HUMOR 9801 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 01/01/98   
[from HAND!]

     ARE YOU A CANDIDATE FOR THE BURNOUT CLUB?
          By Mershon Shrigley

  With the holiday season upon us,  business people are particularly
  susceptible to a common malady - burnout. In fact, this disease is
  so common that those who contract it could be part of their own
  club - the Burnout Club.

  Being overachievers, members of the Burnout Club have crafted a
  set of rules and regulations that members must follow in order to
  remain in good standing. If you comply with all or many of the
  following rules, you could be a member too :)

        The 10  Rules and Regulations to join the Burnout Club

  1. Be a perfectionist, never accept anything that is less than
     perfect...especially in yourself.

  2. Always eat "fast foods", candy bars and caffeinated beverages for
     that quick energy you need to "stay ahead".

  3. Work at least 10 hours a day and as many holidays and weekends as
     possible.

  4. Assume responsibility for solving the problems of all your friends,
     co-workers and family.

  5. Try not to delegate any responsibilities. However, if you must, be
     sure to micro-manage the project.

  6. Never "waste time" relaxing (in case you forgot i.e. contemplating
     by the fire or taking a bubble bath).

  7. Never say "no" as this may not please all the people all of the time.
     Remember to put everyone else's needs before yours.

  8. Never "waste time" exercising.

  9. Never take time off for yourself...rarely take a vacation...and
     when you do, be sure to feel as guilty as possible.

 10. Get emotionally involved in everything you do.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 01/02/98   
[from Paul & Joan Blumstein, via the Jewish Humor List]

A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi
friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their
religion.

When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them the following card:

"Season's Greetings!

Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish;
When the Messiah comes,
you'll wish you were Jewish!!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Lela Lowe, via Rehu]

There was a poor Preacher's wife who came home with a dress that was very expensive and more
than they really could afford.  The wife said that the temptation was really more than she could
bear and she bought the dress.

Husband, "Did you tell Satan to get behind you?"

Wife, "I did, and he said it looked marvelous from the back as well."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara Sheele, on Rehu]

A DAY AT THE RACES

A rabbi is walking slowly out of a shul in New York when a gust of wind
blows his hat down the street.  He is an old man with a cane and can't
walk fast enough to catch his hat.  Across the street a man sees what
has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the
rabbi.  "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat", the
rabbi says, "thank you very much."  The rabbi places his hand on the
fellow's shoulder and says, "May G-d bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi, this
must be my lucky day!"  So he goes to the racetrack and in the first
race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1.  He bets $50 and
sure enough the horse comes in first.  In the second race he sees a
horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse also
comes in first.

Finally, at the end of the day, he returns home to his wife who asks him
where he's been.  He explains how he caught the rabbi's hat and was
blessed by him and he went to the track and started winning on horses
that had a hat in their names.  "So, where's the money?" she asks.  "I
lost it all in the ninth race.  I bet on a horse named Chateau and it
lost."  "You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat."  "It
doesn't matter", he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named
Yarmulka."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 01/03/98   
Give a man a fish, he has a meal.  *Teach* a man to fish, and you both
get out of work around the house for at least a weekend, maybe two. 
--Jim Rosenberg
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside,
and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up
debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be
blown away.

My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes
when she went outside to work. The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, now I
weigh me down to sweep?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Susan O'Shea, via EcuLaugh]

Once, in ancient times, there were two neighboring kingdoms who had, since
Time Immemorial, continued a border war. No one could be found in either
the Kingdom of Tar or the Kingdom of Ory to tell why the war continued or
why it had be begun in the first place, except to say that the two kingdoms
were implacable enemies.

In the spring of one year, both kingdoms had much more rain than usual. Day
after day of rain saturated the farm lands of both Tar and Ory, and an
enormous crop of weeds sprang up, hindering the spring planting and
threatening both kingdoms with starvation. Something had to be done.

Emissaries were sent to arrange a truce between the two kingdoms so that
the soldiers could help with ridding the fields of each kingdom of the
plague of weeds. The truce went so well that the emissaries agreed that the
soldiers of each country would help the other get rid of their weeds.
Suddenly the thoughts of war were over for the first time in living memory,
the weeds were destroyed, and the two kings held a great celebration in
which their peoples found out they rather liked each other after all.

So, replacing the tradition of war between the two kings, the great spring
celebration was held every year thereafter and they became known as
                         (drum roll, please)
                   The Weed-free Kings of Ory and Tar.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 01/04/98   
[forwarded by Stuart Lyster, via EcuLaugh]

I noticed the other day that the guy who wrote the song "Hokey-Pokey"
recently passed away. Although saddened by his death, I was glad to be
reminded of the song. It was the first song I learned in Sunday school,
along with "Climb Up Sunshine Mountain." I think that's one of the problems
the Sunday school movement is facing today: no hokey-pokey.

So I thought as a kind of memorial I'd offer an exegetical piece on it.
Because much of what I know about theology, I learned from Hokey-Pokey.
"You put your right foot in." No surprise here. Some of the
literal- minded among us used to wonder "in what?"; but most children of
goodwill got the general idea. "You take your right foot out."

Why not? You put it in in the first place. You give, and then you take.
Here we have an almost Johannine dualism that echoes the classic rhythms of
life and death, love and hate, network and cable. You share, then you
withdraw. You are neither enmeshed nor engaged. No co-dependents allowed in
this game.

Here we learn about boundaries. It's my foot, and if I say "in," then
"in" it is, but I can "out" at any time. (Some redaction critics see 
here the influence of the so-called "deutero-Hokey" Minirth-Meier" 
tradition.)

"You put your right foot in." Here's the element of surprise. Nobody
could have seen this one coming. The right foot was gone, and we had no
reason to hope it should ever be back. But just when it seemed darkest, 
there's the right foot--in again. It's the motif of the Prodigal 
Foot--first at home (in); then off to a distant country (out); then it 
"comes to its senses and returns home" (in). This time we know it's
home to stay. And so we "shake it all about." Of course. Who could
hold it still?

The next phrase is shrouded in mystery. "Do the Hokey-Pokey and turn
yourself around." The difficulty here, of course, is the term and. For the
only motion involved is "turning yourself around," so what precisely does
it mean to "do the Hokey-Pokey"? Perhaps it is an internal thing. Maybe you
do it in your heart. Some hokeyologists say this is supported by the fact
that "turn," in the original Greek, is epistrepho--the same word used for
"conversion." This may be why at the end of the song you must "put your
whole self in"--climaxing a subtle movement through the whole piece toward
a call for existential abandonment and commitment.

(Even the phrase "Hokey-Pokey" itself is a little obscure, when you stop
to think about it. Is "hokey" to be taken as an adjective, telling us that
"pokey" is a little on the tacky side, as opposed to some more glamorous
pokey? We don't know and probably never will.) "That's what it's all
about." There's clarity for you. So many people wonder: "What's it all
about?" The Hokey-Pokey doesn't shilly-shally on this one--comes right out
and tells you. They don't write them like that anymore.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 01/05/98   
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

At a pharmacy, a woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. 
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's
weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother
alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. 
"I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://dolphin.upenn.edu/~prentice/swjokes.html ]

Happiness is a Psychiatric Disorder

Happiness meets all reasonable criteria for a psychiatric disorder. It 
is statistically abnormal, consists of a discrete cluster of symptoms, 
there is at least some evidence that it reflects the abnormal 
functioning of the central nervous system, and it is associated with 
various cognitive abnormalities--in particular, a lack of contact with 
reality. Acceptance of these arguments leads to the obvious conclusion 
that happiness should be included in future taxonomies of mental 
illness, probably as a form of affective [mood] disorder. This would 
place it on Axis I of the American Psychiatric Association's "Diagnostic 
and Statistical Manual." With this prospect in mind, I humbly suggest 
that the ordinary language term "happiness" be replaced by the more 
formal description,

Major affective disorder, pleasant type.

in the interest of scientific precision and in the hope of reducing any 
possible diagnostic ambiguities...

Once the debilitating consequences of happiness become widely recognized 
it is likely that psychiatrists, social workers, and other mental health 
professionals will begin to devise treatments for the condition and we 
can expect the emergence of happiness clinics and anti-happiness 
medications in the not too distant future.


Richard P. Bentall, Journal of Medical Ethics, June 1992.

Included in Bender, D., and Leone, B. (1995). Mental Illness: Opposing 
Viewpoints. Sand Diego, CA: Greenhaven Press.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 01/06/98   
[from http://www.zip.com.au/~lyallg/virus.html ]

BEWARE - 

   Buddhist Viruses are Lurking

                         on the Web

Professor Richard P.Hayes of McGill University in Canada has compiled a list of
known viruses inhabiting Buddhist's computers. These viruses have been around
for thousands of years and they even defy the skills of McAffey.

THERAVADA TERROR (often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known as
BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU. While
relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has the effect of making
your computer refuse to intake or process any hard data after noon. (Female
scholars need not be concerned about this virus, since female CPUs are not entitled
to receive full ordination.)

MADHYAMAKA MONSTER: systematically replaces all data on the hard drive by
a bit having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not neither 1 nor 0. The
screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the operator taps a key, an information
box pops up saying "There are no statements in this information box."

VIJNANAVADA VEXATION: is the only known computer virus that has no effect
whatsoever on your software. It does, however, make all the hardware and
peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software that there is no real
distinction between a computer program and the data it processes. One extreme
version of this viral scourge (also known as SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of
making your software believe that it is the only software in the universe.

VAJRAYANA VIRUS: attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to emit a
radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's heart. The computer itself
sustains no damage, but the operator's mind is transformed into mush with the
inane message "The passions themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation itself is
data." The operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to upload billions
of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of incomprehensible mandalas onto Web
sites around the world, for the benefit of all sentient machines.

INDRAJALA INFECTION: which causes all sentient beings to be networked, all
information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is removed from the
network neither it nor its previous context can be said to exist. (Also known as the
'ten coins terror'). Rumour has it this was the by-product of a marketing slogan
coined by a lama doing contract work for Sun Microsystems, "the network is the
operator". Once this virus has infected any machine, everything is instantly
affected, and it is no longer posible to conceive of the universe in the absence of
the virus.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 01/07/98   
[from Brenda Daverin, on Rehu]

Winston Churchill once attended a dinner with Eamon DeValera. Churchill was dressed in the
uniform of an Elder Brethren of Trinity House. DeValera asked what the uniform was, and
Churchill responded, "Je suis le frre de la Trinit." DeValera answered, "My God, what
influence!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from jokeaday <jokeaday@jokeaday.com>]

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending
the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong
Ding Dong Bell Bill.
+--------------------------------------+
QUIDQUID LATINE DICTUM SIT, PROFUNDUM VIDITUR

(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound)
+--------------------------------------+
Oft-times thou feelest like unto a nut,
And yet, M'lord, anon, feel'st thou not so.
Yon Almond Joy these selfsame nuts doth have.
Whereas contrary Mounds doth have them not.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Lee, on Rehu]

A Trio of Sightless Rodents

A trio of sigtless rodents
A trio of sightless rodents
Observe how they locomote
Observe how they locomote
The all motivated after the agriculturalist's spouse
So removed their rear appendages with a carving utensil
Have you ever observed such a spectlae in your existance span as a trio of sightless rodents?
+--------------------------------------+
[from Donna, on Rehu]

(to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat)

Propel, propel, propel your craft
Gently down the soulution
Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically
Life is but a delusion.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 01/08/98   
[from Bill's Punch Line]

Why was Moses the most wicked man? 
  (He broke all 10 commandments at once.)

 What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? 
  (Flood lights)

How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi? 
  (Lawyers study the law and the profits)

What are the 2 smallest insects in the Bible? 
  (The widow's mite (Mark 12:42) and the wicked flea (Proverbs 28:1))

Who was the most ambitious man in the Bible? 
  (Jonah-even a whale couldn't keep him down)

Who was the first canning factory run by? 
  (Noah-he had a boatful of preserved pairs)

Why was Noah like a hungry cat? 
  (He went 150 days without finding Ararat)

What is it that Adam never saw or had, yet left 2 of them for his children?
  (Parents)

What Bible character may have only been a foot tall? 
  (Nicodemus-he was a ruler)

What did Jesus have in common with the fish that swallowed Jonah? 
  (Jesus had dinner with a sinner, and the fish had a sinner for dinner)

How do we know Isaiah's parents were good business people? 
  (They both raised a prophet)

During what season did Eve eat the forbidden fruit? 
  (Early in the fall)

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? 
  (Noah was sitting on the deck)

Why did poor Job land in bed with a cold? 
  (He had poor comforters)

How are rollerbladers like the fruit in the Garden of Eden? 
  (They come before the fall)

Who introduced salted meat to the Navy? 
  (Noah-he took Ham on the ark)

Who slept five in a bed? 
  (David-he slept with his forefathers)

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? 
  (They kept saying neigh)

How do we know Abraham was smart? 
  (He knew a Lot)

What was one of the first example of math in the Bible? 
  (God told Adam to go forth and multiply)

Why couldn't Cain please God with his offering? 
  (He just wasn't Abel)

How did God keep the oceans clean? 
  (With Tide)

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? 
  ("Now I herd everything")

 What was the name of Isaiah's horse? 
  (Isme - He said "Whoa, is me!")

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? 
  (No, he came forth out of the ark)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 01/09/98   
[from Bill's Punch Line]

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of
joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be 'giddy up,' sir!".....
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

The Olympic Games in Atlanta were tuff to get tickets to.  Three  locals struck upon a scheme to
sneak in pretending to be athletes.

    The first grabbed a long pipe off his plumber's van and entered,  telling the security officer:
"Johnson, pole vault."

    The second grabbed a hub cap out of his truck, and ran past the  guard shouting: "Billy Joe
Anderson, discus."

    The last got a large roll of barbed wire from his truck, but was  stopped at the gate when he
said: "Smith -- fencing."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Cedar Valley Green Scene, via Danny Gleeson and "Wit & Wisdom"]

 All I Need To Know About Life I learned From Trees

It's important to have roots.
In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
Don't pine away over old flames.
If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
Grow where you're planted.
It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
If the party gets boring, just leaf.
You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
It's more important to be honest than poplar.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 01/10/98   
[from Chris Anderson, via EcuLaugh]

One young pastor called another pastor friend. He said "How are you?"
    
The other pastor responded. "Oh, I am great. I just visited ten homes and led all of the families to
the Lord. My church is bursting with so many new people. My children have all felt the call into
the ministry and I just got published in a major Christian Magazine."

The first pastor responded "Oh - you're not alone. Well I'll call you back when your visitors have
left."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Sean Aaron Osborne, via Jewish Humor List]

Riding on a bus full of tourists through the Galilee region, a Christian tour guide was giving the
usual spiel about all the sites mentioned in the New Testament, finishing up with the words, "any
questions?" A sweet, matronly woman raised her hand. 

"Yes?"

"There's just one thing I don't understand," she said, quite seriously. "Why are there so many
Jewish people living in this country?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Susan Polizzi, via Rehu]

I always remember the story of the preacher who had a very busy
week...Didn't quite get around to doing more than a cursory reading
of the assigned readings for the week, kept getting sidetracked with
other preacher-type activities.  Finally, late Saturday night, she
was so exhausted, she fell into bed thinking, "I will just have to
trust the Holy Spirit and wait for a word from God."

The next morning she got up, got in the shower, thinking "Surely, the
word will come to me as I'm getting ready."

She got dressed, got in the car to drive to the church, thinking, "I
know the Spirit will speak to me if I can just empty my mind."

She got to the church, went into her study to pray for guideance. Met
with the choir to pray, thinking, "Please, God, send me your word."

Finally, as they were entering the chancel, the Word of the Lord
came to her and the Holy Spirit spoke, saying, "YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN
TIME TO PREPARE YOUR SERMON!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 01/11/98   
[from Randy Wood]

A farmer was finishing his planting one Sunday morning as the pastor of the local church
came by. 

"Brother," the pastor lectured him, "don't you know that God made the world in six days and
rested on the seventh?"

"Yes," said the farmer, looking uneasily at the rain clouds in the sky.  "I know all about that, but
He got done and I didn't."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Chuck, on Rehu]

 The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.  The Rabbi notices an unusually
fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.

 "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

 "It's my direct line to the Lord!"

 The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out,
and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.  The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.  After
hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great!  But listen, I want to pay for my
phone charges." The Pope, of course  refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff
gives in.

 He checks the counter on the phone and says:  "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."

 The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

 A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official "visit".  In the Chief Rabbi's chambers
he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.  The Pope remembers
he has an urgent matter that requires divine  consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

 The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.  After hanging up, the
Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.

 The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!"

 The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!"

 The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 01/12/98   
[from Nick's Humor List]

   Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the
son of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four sheep.

  The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that separated
the two tribes.  Pop and his daughter showed up at the appointed time, only
to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the
stream.

   The father grunted, "The fool doesn't know which side his bride is
bartered on."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

If a swamp frog goes ribb-it...ribb-it...ribb-it;

and a Busch frog goes bud...wis...er;

What does a Windows 95 frog sound like?

Re-boot    Re-boot    Re-boot
+--------------------------------------+
[from Mike Dimond, on Rehu]

 Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
 Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
 The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
 At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
 When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
 When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
 I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
 The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
 The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
 And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
 As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
 And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
 I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

 So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
 Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
 Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
 "Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
 I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
 I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
 I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
 I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
 I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
 But isn't that what January is for?
 Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
 Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 01/13/98   
[from http://www.serve.com/cmtan/buddhism/Lighter/funny.qna.html ]

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments. 

(Contributed by Randy Jewett) 

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness 

(Contributed by Geichle) 

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb. 

(Contributed by J Arkle) 

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it. 

(Contributed by Graeme Dawes) 

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest. 

(Contributed by Will Sandstead) 

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working
with?
A: He enters Nerdvana. 

(Contributed by Toh Han Shih) 

Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you." 

(Contributed by Zach Rosen) 

Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?" 
Master: "Ask that post over there." 
Disciple: "I don't understand" 
Master: "Neither do I." 

(Contributed by Thomas Asche) 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 01/14/98   
[from Granny's Funnies]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a
schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher
to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will
not pass through a red light' five hundred times." 
+--------------------------------------+
A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and
became lost.  After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an
exit, he spotted a woman at the end of
a corridor.

"How do I get outside?" he asked.

"Dial 9," she replied.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line, edited by Teresa]

An unemployed choir director was desperate to find a job. He finally inquired at a home for the
"mentally challenged", asking if they could use his services.

Well, they decided to give him a chance, even though they'd never had a choir before. So, he
enthusiastically set about forming a first-class choir. They became so good that he even began
taking them on short tours.

He soon found that by giving each singer a Coke and a candy bar after each performance, he was
able to encourage them to do even better each time. But alas, the caretakers soon approached him
with a problem. It seems that all the extra calories from the Cokes and candy bars were causing
the choir members to be so hyper that they were almost uncontrollable. A suggestion was made
that he come up with a more suitable reward program, involving less calories, which he took to
heart.

He changed to diet drinks and pieces of fruit. From then on, they were billed as the "Moron
Tab-n-Apple Choir"!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 01/15/98   
[forwarded by Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

Bigger in Texas

As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas. The roads are bigger, the trees are bigger, and
the wide open spaces are, well, wider. Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive
the biggest cars.

One day, a Texan died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by none other than St.
Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour of the wonders of heaven.

The Texan, however, was not impressed. St. Peter showed him the most beautiful rivers, and the
Texan said that they were bigger in Texas. St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but
the Texan reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in Texas. St. Peter
showed him the glory of the stars (they shine brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you
haven't seen it until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a fawn drinking
at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana, only not as pretty). There was nothing St.
Peter could do to overcome the man's opinion of his home state.

Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven, and they both looked down.
From there one could see all the way down into Hell. They could see the fire and the brimstone
and the agony ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight.

St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have anything like THAT down in
Texas?"

The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple old boys down in Houston who will
put that out for ya."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Lee Sissel, via Rehu]

We had a Texan here at Metlakatla this last year as an interim minister for the Assembly of God
church and he had a little trouble at first with the idea that Alaska is bigger than texas.  In fact cut
us in half and Texas would then be the third largest state.  He wanted to convey this message to
his friends in Texas when he got home. There is a type of "hardtack" or dry cracker that is
popular here called "Pilot Bread", it is round and about 5 or 6 inches across.  He took some home
and when talking about the size of Alaska he would pull it out in the pulpit and show it to his
audience and say: "This is what they use for communion wafers in Alaska." (Many churches
do, they break it up)   After waiting a beat he would say, "And you should see the size of the jugs
they drink out of."  We Alaskans truly liked  this humble Texan (usually an oxymoron).
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 01/16/98   
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

I've been thinking about a remake of The Music Man set in the 90s. The character of Marian
Paroo would no longer be a librarian but would be an unfulfilled bikini model in beer ads, a sadder
Budweiser girl.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on Rehu]

I am, therefore I think. That's putting Descartes before the horse.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes says, "I think not." Descartes disappears.

Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him into the Seine: "I
sink, therefore I swam."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Theresa Peters Casper, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

After putting on weight, I mentioned to my family that I would be
wearing a one-piece bathing suit instead of my usual two-piece suit.  My
five-year-old son was shocked.  He asked, "Which piece are you going to
wear, Mom?"
+--------------------------------------+
  At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young player,
"Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?"  The little boy
nodded in the affirmative.  "Do you understand that what matters is whether
we win together as a team?"   The little boy nodded yes.  "So," the coach
continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't
argue or curse or attack the umpire.  Do you understand all that?"  Again
the little boy nodded.   "Good," said the coach.  "Now go over there and
explain it to your mother."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

About a year ago, one of my co-workers started laughing  uncontrollably.
Once calming him down, he bagan to explain why. Both of us being in
System Development for a large retailer, understood the stupidity that
was encountered every day when called for support.

He had just received a phone call from a very irritated user. This user
had told him - "I pressed the 'F1' key for help ... but it's been over
half an hour & still nobody has come to help me.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 01/17/98   
[from Jewish Humor List]

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20  "gates" in the fastest
time.
 
 Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world  and had great expecxtations
for an Olympic gold medal.  Came the day of  the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.  The
French champion sped  down the course in 38 seconds.  The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German 
in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of  the Israeli...the crowd
waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!!
 
 "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally  arrived. Replied the
exausted Israeli: "Which of those @#$%^&! fixed a  mezuzah to each gate?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

   Jazzier, More 'With-It' New Jewish Traditions

 YOM KIPPURIM: Consolidation of all Jewish
   holidays from Autumn to Spring, for those too busy
   to celebrate individual Yom Tovs

 WORSHIPPING AT THE WALLSTREET: On
   October 29 Jews everywhere pray for market
   stability.

 PASSOVARY: The holiday of fertility doctors.

 GHETTOSBURG ADDRESS: Everybody's
   moving to Boro Park.

 FARRAKHANUKAH: Celebrated in February, it
   provides an occasion for Rev. Louis Farrakhan to
   apologize for his misunderstood statements of the
   previous year.

SHPIELKES TORAH: New, five-minute services,
   so on-the-go professional Jews, too, can return to
   tradition!

DATING SHIKSAS: The ultimate holiday,
   celebrated every 10 yr

SHOV-U-OUT - Observed at the Wall whenever
   a non-Orthodox group wants to pray there together.

RUSH HASHANAH: A year-long festival of
   right-wing talk radio shows

TZOM WHERE OVER THE RAINBOW: A fast
   day on eve of celebration of death of Wicked Witch
   (first celebrated by Amos Oz)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 01/18/98   
[from Chris Anderson, via EcuLaugh]

Years ago the late Bishop Fulton Sheen was at a TV awards ceremony and
he followed someone who had just taken time to thank his writers. Bishop
Sheen therefore said "I would also like to thank my four writers: Matthew,
Mark, Luke and John."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line, edited by Teresa]

A minister of music was working on a "prospect" for the church choir, but
the man protested, "Reverend, for me, being in the choir would be like
being in jail."   The minister of music was shocked - "How is that?"  "Oh,
I would always be behind a few bars, looking for the right key."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Paul, on Rehu]

You know what I'm trying to figure out? I was looking over the
order's Ordo (try saying *that* 6 times really fast) the other day
and noticed that one of the major feast days on the calendar com-
memorates the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Now, in grammar school they taught us not to assume things, but
to look them up.  They even made us join a fictitious organization
called the "We Don't Guess, We Look It Up" Club.  (I'm not
making this up, you know!)

Isn't it, therefore, setting a dangerous example to have a feast day
that celebrates someone's making an assumption?  I mean, why
couldn't Mary have looked it up in the Encyclopaedia Palestiniana?
That would have set a much more wholesome example for the
youth of today. Besides, most of the knowledge found in encyclo-
pedias today was discovered much more recently than 2000 years
ago, so the encyclopedias in those days were probably only a couple
of pages long.  How much time could it have taken to look it up?

Not only that, but if it was a really important thing that she was
assuming--something worth making a major feast day out of--surely
it would have been worth it for everyone's peace of mind to be sure
of the facts.  And if she was making a trivial assumption, why should
we make such a big deal out of it?

All you liturgical experts out there:  how come we don't observe the
Feast of the Fact-Checking of the Blessed Virgin?  Enquiring minds
need to know.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 01/19/98   
[from Bill's Punch Line]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.  "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"  A few hours later
the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when
he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.  "I'm the groom."
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.angelfire.com/ca/beaufus/b11198.html ]

UNITED STATES FOREST SERVICE ORDERED TO INVESTIGATE TREES

Due to the recent deaths of Michael Kennedy and Congressman Sonny Bono,
President Clinton has ordered the Secretary of the Interior to have the
U.S. Forest Service investigate the trees that were involved in the
deaths.

A panel is being formed to determine if these were isolated incidents or
if the latest tragedies are connected to the deaths of other, relatively
unknown, skiers in the past few years.  A source close to the
investigation has informed this reporter that satellite photos taken two
days prior to each incident do not show the trees that were involved.
The questions being looked into are, where did the trees come from and
how did they get there?  Also, it is speculated that there is a militant
group of trees involved, stalking the ski slopes in the U.S. and
attacking unsuspecting skiers.

Park Police and Forest Rangers are warning skiers and hikers not to hug
any trees they do not know.

Vice President AL Gore declined to comment on the possibility of a Tree
Militia being involved in the deaths.  Mr. Gore also denied being at a
fund raiser with Joe Cedar, Mike Pine, John Redwood, Tom Oak and Robert
Aspen.  He stated that he only got contributions from Buddhist nuns and
drug dealers.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 01/20/98   [patience]
[from Donna Wilinski, on Rehu]

Parent hood is indeed a spiritual experience.  A priest once pointed out to me (when the kids were
Preschoolers) that 24 hours a day, I was clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, and giving drink
to the thirsty,,,
+--------------------------------------+
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to Him.  God
replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."

Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.  God
replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny."  

Then the young man got up his courage and asked, "God, could I have one of your
pennies?"  

God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."
+-------------------------------+
Lord, grant me patience - right NOW!
+-------------------------------+
Patience is the ability to stand something as long as it happens to the
other fellow.
+-------------------------------+
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
+-------------------------------+
AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION, a woman persuaded a friend of mine to attend a
meeting of her club. My friend said he didn't want to be out too late,
though, because he lived a good distance away.

"Don't worry," she assured him. "We'll be through by eight o'clock at the
latest."

Eight o'clock came and went, and the meeting dragged on. My friend sat
patiently. It was past midnight when he was asked to close the meeting with a
benediction. Bowing his head, he began, "Excuse me, Lord, but I hope I
didn't wake you..."
+---------------------------------------------------------+
  A mother in Pittsburgh tells of having dinner with her little son and
daughter. It had been a long, trying day at home, and her husband was still
at the office. Both children were fussy and didn't want to eat, and her
patience had reached it's limit. She looked up and sighed, "Oh, God, help me
with these children." Immediately her four-year-old daughter bowed her head
and was silent. the mother was delighted, thinking the girl was asking God
to help her be good. But then the girl looked up at her and said, "I just
asked Him not to help you."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 01/21/98   
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Internet FAQ

Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online,
which will give you their program disks for free.  Or, if you just
leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install
their programs on your computer when you're sleeping.  They really
want your business.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer
experience - to provide the online services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course!  You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out.  Some of us have been trying
for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we
do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.  We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to
the online service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm
connected to an online service? 
A. Millions of things!  An incredible array of things!  No end of 
things!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK!  I have one!  You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat.  I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all
over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom
are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great!  How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. 
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People,
Homosexuals, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of
course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports.  At any given
moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who
use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real
identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages,
in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from
writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking
to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No.  You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old  boys.  But they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of
who is entering and leaving the chat area.  A secondary, but equally
fascinating, topic is where everybody lives.  Also, for a change of
pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a
hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 01/22/98   
[from several people on EcuLaugh]

   "Does anyone know where my wife is?" Boaz asked ruthlessly.
   
   "This communion grape juice has fermented!" Tom whined.
   
   "Who was pope before John Paul I?" Tom asked piously.
   
   "Hallelujah!" Tom said handily.
   
   "Can I go look for the holy grail again?" Tom requested.
   
   "The number of students not attending Sunday School class today really bothers me," the
teacher said absent-mindedly.

   "I hope I can still play the guitar," the youth minister fretted.

"Oh, Lord help us... it's a letter from Hell itself!" said Tom dismissively.

"Not long till Christmas now!" said Tom adventitiously.

"Let's see, that was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John," said Tom evangelistically.

"Tell me more about the living waters," Tom said thirstily.   

"Also, explain again about the third person of the Trinity," he  added spiritually.  

"Surely salvation must be earned?", he questioned gracefully.   

"I know everything about the first person of the Trinity," Tom presented patronizingly.

"Jesus is the Son of God!" he beamed sunnily.

"At least we were able to save a few of these sinners," the evangelist said winsomely.
   
"Now how does the 23rd Psalm begin?" Tom asked sheepishly.
   
"Jericho hardly even put up a fight!" Joshua trumpeted.
   
"Yo'..Israelites! We're going to be doing a lot of camping on this wilderness sojourn," Moses said
intensely.
   
"I know just how to fix that Samson," Delilah said barbarously.
   
"A robe! Sandals! And look what they've put on my finger!" said the prodigal son with abandon.
   
"It's time to pack up the whole family and go down to Egypt," said Jacob senilely.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 01/23/98   
[forwarded by Dave Wigley, on Rehu]

   This week I am at home & playing house husband.  My wife left a list of things I need to do.
This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

   1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight.
 Forget that Scratch one.

   2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night,  I don't see any dog poop, kids do you
see any dog poop?  Scratch two.

   3). Drop her skirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch
three.

   This is easy, whats the fuss. Think I'll go on the Net for a while.

  4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will
keep them closed. Scratch four.

   5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to
me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She  just loves rolling in the snow.

   6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.
  Scratch six.

 This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the Net

   7). Vacuum the carpets...... Thats a hard one.......  Hey kids wanna have some more FUN. 
Scratch seven.

   8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too ? YESSSS Scratch
eight !!!!!!

   9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the
closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.

   Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat.Taaa daaa no
lunch dishes !!!

   10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on the Net.  Scratch ten.

   11). Fold laundry......  Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually
wears. Gonna have to ask why she buys me pale  pink underwear ??  Check this out, a cashmere
barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.

   12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve.

   13). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......  These old newspapers will do, besides, that's
recycling & that's good for the earth....  Scratch fourteen.

   14). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally
pay to drop them back off. They'll be back.  Scratch fifteen.

   15). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need
more dinner tomorrow".  Scratch sixteen.

   16). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.  
Scratch seventeen.

   WOW all done. Still time for some Internet & a nap....... Man this is sooooo easy.  I don't know
why people complain about housework.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 01/24/98   
[from GCFL]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a
mummy.  After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.  "I've
just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist
exclaimed.  To which the curator replied, "Bring him in.  We'll check it out." A week later, the
amazed curator called the archaeologist.  "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of
death.  How in the world did you know?"

"Easy.  There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

 So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments,
  and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd  rabbi
  out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that  signified
  that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

  "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are
  wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

  It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer,
  a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
  dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
  three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

  So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
  right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

  This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one
  big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

  "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that
  nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

  The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he
  said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep,
  booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

  The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said,
  "Well?"

  "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 01/25/98   
[from Just Too Funny!]

A Christian dies and goes up to heaven.  He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and is taken into
paradise.  Anyway, he's being guided around heaven and can't help noticing people who are
obviously not Christian - he sees Hindus, Sikhs, Muslims, Buddhists; every possible religion
except one.  So he has to ask: "St Peter, this is heaven right?"

"Sure is" replies the Saint

"Well, where are all the Christians?"

"We keep em' segregated behind a big wall.  They prefer it that way."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

Now Available! REVISED GOSPEL HYMNS for the narcissistic "me-first" generation
of modern churchgoers. The old favorites can be sung without guilt, conviction, or discomfort.

Hundreds of your old favorites made comfortable. Some of the titles include:

o  I Surrender Some

o  Standing on the Premises

o  Sweet Minute of Prayer

o  Blessed Insurance

o  Come We That Like the Lord

o  Onward, Social Workers

o  Avoid the Good Fight

o  The Gold-Plated Cross

o  Some for Jesus

o  I Have My Own Way

and the all-time children's favorite:

   I Love Me

Write:
Rose-Colored Hymns
Earthly Home, ME
or call 1-800 ME FIRST
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 01/26/98   [Mother jokes]
[from Jim Mica, via UGA Humor List]

It's a couple of days before a big wedding.  The Bride comes up with some bad
news for her mother:  she's found out that the young Step-Mother of the Groom
has bought the exact same dress to wear to the Wedding that she (the mother of
the Bride) is planning to wear.

The Bride's Mother tells her not to worry because she will just go and buy
another dress to wear to the ceremony.

"But mother," asks the Bride, "What will you do with the dress that you've
already bought?"

"Well," says mom, "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+--------------------------------------+
Do you know why Peter denied that he knows Jesus?

Because Jesus had healed Peter's mother in-law...
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

Picture these mothers with these famous offspring:

     Alexander the Great's mother:  "How many times do I have to tell you
you can't have everything you want in this world!"

     Franz Schubert'mother: "Take my advice, son.  Never start anything
you can't finish."

     Achilles' mother: "Stop imagining things.  There's nothing wrong
with your heel."

     Madame de Pompadour's mother: "For heaven's sake, child, do something
about your hair!"

     Sigmund Freud's mother:  "Stop pestering me!  I've told you a
hundred times the stork brought you!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 01/27/98   
[forwarded by Lela, on Rehu - Parts 2 and 3 will come tomorrow] 

Education for Ministry-Final Exam

PART I. Multiple Choice-50 points

1.      When Aaron saw Moses coming down from the  mountain with the ten
commandments he cried out, Holy _______________
        A. Moses!
        B. Cow!
        C. Calf!

2.      "Soloman in all his glory is not arrayed as one of these." Jesus
refers in this passage to
        A. Lilies of the Field
        B. bleeding heart liberals
        C. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders

3.      Cain took care of his brother
        A. as he was best Abel.
        B. because he had always wanted to be an only child.
        C. with a no. 4 rock.

4.      Mary and Joseph stopped at a stable because
        A. there was no room at the inn.
        B. there was no room in the Old Testament.
        C. they wanted to rake hay while their son shined.

5.      God created the universe
        A. for the hell of it.
        B. for the heaven of it.
        C. but refused to take the blame for Detroit.

6.      Job suffered unhappiness and great loss because
        A. he was loved by God.
        B. he was loved by God.
        C. he was loved by God.

7.      Joshua crumbled the walls of Jericho by playing
        A. melancholy favorites from the thirties.
        B. John Philip Sousa tunes over and over and over and over and ...
        C. only the flat notes.
        D. with dynamite.

8.      Abraham's son was
        A. lucky.
        B. never quite at ease again around his Father.
        C. really happy when his Father quit making sacrifices for him.

9.      The most important aspect of early church teachings was
        A. the prophets.
        B. the profits.
        C. early church students.

10.     When Moses saw the burning bush,
        A. he called to God.
        B. he called the EPA.
        C. he called for a marshmallow.

11.     How did the little drummer boy sound?
        A. Pa-rump-pa-bump-bum
        B. Ta-rah-rah-boom-dee-aaay
        C. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, mau mau

12.     Delilah cut Samson's hair because
        A. she couldn't do a thing with it.
        B. he couldn't do a thing without it.
        C. this was as Old World custom to show unity and physiological
compatibility.

13.     God sent plagues against Pharaoh because
        A. He didn't like Pharaoh.
        B. He didn't like Yul Brynner.
        C. He was getting warmed up for Job.

14.     The "Lost Tribe" of Israel has long been thought to be in fact
        A. the American Indians
        B. the Cleveland Indians
        C. the New Orleans Saints

15.     The "Songs of Soloman" were
        A. pre-Christian erotica.
        B. much too long.
        C. slipped into the Bible by Soloman's agent.
        D. recently recorded by Madonna.

16.     While in the wilderness, Jesus was tempted by Satan with
        A. wealth, power and fame.
        B. a double cheeseburger, a beef burrito and a chocolate malt.
        C. small, unmarked dinarae.

17.     Man can attain his own salvation with
        A. None of the above.
        B. All of the above.
        C. 7/10's of the above.
        D. nothing at all of the Below.

18.     The star of Bethlehem probably was not
        A. the result of the conjunction of several planets.
        B. a communications satellite.
        C. George Jessel.

19.     Death is
        A. nature's way of telling us to  slow down.
        B. the Big Check-out Time.
        C. preferable to living in Milwaukee.

20.     The only good Philistine is
        A. a dead Philistine.
        B. a short Philistine.
        C. a Philistine who prefers the liberal arts.

21.     Paul was
        A. a woman hater.
        B. a woman despiser.
        C. a Good Ole Boy.

22.     What did Adam say to Eve in the Garden of Eden?
        A. "Lunch was the pits."
        B. "Want to see my scar?"
        C. "Let's turn over a new leaf."

23.     What's a metaphor?
        A. to graze sheep
        B. to compare two dissimilar concepts with semantic subterfuge,
             thereby utterly muddling a previously simple situation
        C. far beyond my mortal comprehension

24.     A millennia is
        A. something like "this will only take a minute."
        B. a good start on the Twelfth of Never.
        C. the time interval for Sewanee staff cost-of-living raises.

25.     Revelation listed the several dangers of
        A. genetic tomfoolery.
        B. addiction to anything stronger than warm goat's  milk.
        C. extended metaphor.

[to be continued tomorrow]
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 01/28/98   
[forwarded by Lela, on Rehu - continued from yesterday] 

Education for Ministry-Final Exam

PART II-Short Answer-20 points
(Choose any four of the five questions below.  Keep your answers brief and to
the point.)

1.      God.
        Discuss.

2.      By the time Jesus got to Lazarus' tomb, Lazarus had been lying in
there for three days in the middle of summer.  Can you imagine what it
must have smelled like in there? Oh, come on, try.

3.      Why would Noah ever want to save big, hairy, disgusting spiders
that jump at you?

4.      Recent theological and archaeological findings have revealed
        that Hell might indeed be located in the suburbs of Duluth. Assuming
        that this evidence is correct, how much does this intensify your
        desire to save mankind?

5.      How many camels can go through the eye of a needle. (You may
        use your calculators for this.)  For extra credit, how many
Marlboros?


PART III-Essay-30 Points

1.      Please explicate with whatever details you might know, the
       Biblical concept and/or process of "begetting".  Be specific.

2.      Salvation, as we have learned, is not attainable by a person's
       efforts and good works and supplications, but by the sheer
       grace of God. If this is so, please tell me how in the world you
       think your pet guppy will reach the Pearly Gates.

3.      Job was reproved by his "friends" for his obvious disfavor
         in the Lord's eyes.  Discuss their several arguments for Job's
         misfortune and throw in some of your own.  Come on, let's make
        Job grovel!


+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 01/29/98   
[From Frank Morris ]

VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...
          ---> U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white...
          ---> Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ...
          ---> Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ...
          ---> Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store...
          ---> Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...
          ---> Verti Go
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
           ---> Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ...
          ---> Wherediddy  Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
          ---> Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative ...
          ---> Grin Gogh
The nephew that drove a stage coach ...
           ---> Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...
          ---> Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...
          ---> Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle ...
          ---> Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ...
          ---> E. Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits ...
          ---> Mang Gogh
And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking... 
          ---> Way Too Gogh 
His bouncy young nephew ... 
            ---> Poe Gogh 
His Disco-loving sister ... 
            ---> Go Gogh
And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ...
          ---> Winnie Bay Gogh
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 01/30/98   
[from Just Too Funny!]

Christian Pick-Up Lines

1)  Nice bible.

2)  I would like to pray with you.

3)  You know Jesus?  Hey, me too!

4)  God told me to come talk to you.

5)  I know a church where we could go and talk.

6)  How about a hug, sister/brother?

7)  Do you need help carrying your bible?  It looks heavy.

8)  Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!

9)  Oh you are cold,  Ecclesiastes 4:11.

10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

11) What are your plans for tonight?  Feel like a bible study?

12) I am here for you.

13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the
hungry"; how about dinner?

14) You don't have an accountability partner?  Me neither.

15) You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?

16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

17) Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love
with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

18) Nice braclet.  What would Jesus date?  I mean "do".

19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?

20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?

21) (For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a
really nice person.  I think you know him.  Jesus, yeah, that's his
name.

23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you
have dated a christian.

24) Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.

25) What?   Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 01/31/98   
[from GCFL]
 
Q.  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a crow?
A.  Downed power lines.
+--------------------------------------+
Bill Stains  (noted folksinger and songwriter) tells this one:

Two mice are being chased across a field by a wolf.  They duck into a small space between a
couple of rocks and find themselves in a large cave.  As their eyes get used to the dim light one of
them looks up at the high ceiling and sees that it's covered with bats.  He tugs on his companion's
shoulder and says, "Look!  Angels."
+--------------------------------------+
[from George Gregory]

     A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.  Frightened for his
life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave.  He is
horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the
man is trapped.  

     He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma  Yisrael" in anticipation of
his final moments.  

     When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in
front of him with his eyes closed - also praying.  The man thinks to 
himself, "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish
bear!  We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"

      He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...hamotzi lechem min
haaretz."
 
(For all you non-Jews out there - that's the prayer before meals!)
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the 
Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included 
in a Federal Park. The problem was what to do with the other mills, 
and how to attract more tourists to the area. 

One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel
with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make the
mills into canine hotels? he suggested. 

The plan was adopted on a trial basis, but not without some
skepticism. Several months later, the skeptics approached the young
man to ask how the experiement was going. 

"Just listen!" he said. "The Mills are alive with the hounds of
Munich!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
