HUMOR 9802 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 02/01/98   
[from Bob Crawford, via Bill's Punch Line]

Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. 
"They couldn't get a baby-sitter" a  small child replied.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Burt, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

  One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister.   A
member of an official board undergoing this painful process finally lost
patience. He'd just witnessed the Pastoral Relations Committee reject
applicant after applicant for some minor fault - real or imagined.  It was
time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he stood
up and read this letter purporting to be from another applicant.

Gentlemen:

  Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the
position. I have many qualifications. I've been a preacher with much success
and also had some success as a writer. Some say I'm a good organizer. I've
been a leader most places I've been.

  I'm over 50 years of age and have never preached in one place for more
than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused
riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four
times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.

  My health is not too good, though I still accomplish a great deal. The
churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large
cities.

  I've not gotten along well with religious leaders in the towns where I
have preached. In fact, some have threatened me, and even attacked me
physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to
forget whom I have baptized.  However, if you can use me, I promise to do my
best for you.

  The board member turned to the committee and said, "Well, what do you
think? Shall we call him?"  The good church folks were appalled!  Consider a
sickly, trouble-making, absent-minded ex-jailbird?  Was the board member
crazy?  Who signed the application? Who had such colossal nerve?

  The board member eyed them all keenly before he replied, "It's signed,
'The Apostle Paul.'"  - Author Unknown
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 02/02/98   
After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the
United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency
specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space
on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:  "SUPER CALIFORNIA
MYSTIC, EXPERT HALITOSIS."
+--------------------------------------+
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
woman who will want to know everything about you."  

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" 

"No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tim Hart, via Reader's Digest]

Did you hear about the psychic who was involved in a fender bender?

He had an auto-body experience.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

When to start worrying about the quality of your Psychic:

Keeps shaking black "crystal ball," then saying, "Ask again later."

Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and
women's clothing.

His spoon bending requires two pliers.

Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes.'"

During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your
mom.

Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 02/03/98   
[from Mary C. Lowe, via Reader's Digest]

One Sunday my teenage son was in church.  When the collection plate was passed around, he
pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in.

Just at that moment the person behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. 
Secretly admiring the man's generosity, my son placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on.  Then
he felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son, that was your $20.  It fell out of your
pocket."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

 An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do
you expect to get into heaven?"    

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Randy Wood]

A mother and her 3 year old daughter were riding in a car when suddenly the
little girl put her head on her mother's chest and began to listen.

"What are you doing?" mom asked.  "I'm listening for Jesus in your heart,"
was the reply.

"Well what do you hear?"  The innocent child looked up with the satisfied
look of discovery in her eyes and said, "Sounds like he's making coffee to me!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Walton Ekundayo Gilpin, via EcuLaugh]

   A little boy always went next door to play even though his mom had
warned him against doing so.  This worried the mom so badly that she asked
him why he was so disobedient.

He replied that satan tempted him so bad and he did not know what to do.

The mom then advised him to say 'get behind me satan' whenever he was
tempted.  She then build a fence around the house.
   
   This worked for a week, then one sunny afternoon the mom looked over the
window and there was her son playing on the neighbours lawn having cut a
hole in the fench. "John", she yelled, "come here!" She then said "did I
not tell you to say 'get thee behind me satan' whenever he tempted you?"

"Yes", the boy replied, "I said, 'get thee behind me satan', then he went
behind me and pushed me through the hole in the fence."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 02/04/98   
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

A Paronomastic's Dictionary

Allege: A high rock shelf
Arson: Our daughter's brother
Author: A person who is usually write
Autobiography: A history of cars
Avowal: a, e, I, o, u, and sometimes y

Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
Belong: To take your time

Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
Coffee: Break Fluid
Comma: What a medium falls into
Complaint: A grief resume
Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

Deduce: De lowest card in de deck
Denounce: Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.
Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
Dogma: A mother dog

Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge
Earthquake: A topographical error

Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster
Feast: An eat wave
Flattery: Phony express
Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey

Gentle:  (1) Reproductive organ
                (2) Non-Jewish
Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire

Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
Hanging: A suspended sentence
Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig
Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler
Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone
Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone

Indecision: Under the whether
Intense: Where campers sleep

Ketchup: What the runners behind in a race want to do
Kinship: Your brother's boat

Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
Legend: The edge of a cliff

Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
Minimum: A very small mother

Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance

Observatory: What Washington asked his spies to do

Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
Paradox: Two physicians
Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
Paralyze: Two untruths
Praise: Letting off esteem
Protein: (1) An advocate of teen-agers rights
                (2)  Lady of the street too young to vote

Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep

Sarcasm: Quip lash
Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event
Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
Sleet: A slipcover
Stirrup: What you do with cake batter
Subsidy: A town underneath another town

Tenure: A year after nineure
Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day

Unabated: A fishhook without a worm

Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks
Violinist: A high-strung musician

Warehouse: What you ask when you're lost
Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully
Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 02/05/98   
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version

[An excerpt from "Mother Goose:The King James Version", a work in progress by
Meryl Arbing & Lorne Brown <marbing@ican.net> sponsored by The
Storytellers School of Toronto. Feel free to distribute it as long as you let
people know where it came from.]

1. And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.
2. And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even]
upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his
arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man
arose, and didst say:
3. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I
will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up
his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath]
not another to help him up.
4. And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are
the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall.
5. And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as
the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the
heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:
6. I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken
me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?
7. When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore
troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king
ariseth, and thus did say:
8. I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy
remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock
in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
multitude of] my men.
9. And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength
and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command,
that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the
base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.
10. But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even
unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence
thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the
wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.
11. And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to
where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid,
for they knew not whether  twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it
had been in the beginning.
12. And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the
fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought
together again.
13. When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with
great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was
stilled.
14. Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What
man has rent asunder, let no god join together.
15. For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty
spirit before a fall.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 02/06/98   
[from Brian Myers, via UGA Humor List]

The Toddler Diet

An individual residing somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic,
and suffering from that most American of diseases, obesity, reached
the point of despair recently.  Having tried almost every diet going
(and being unwilling to haul themself off their oversized arse to do
some exercise), this individual decided to try a different approach
to development of a dieting plan.

So was born the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years it had been
noticed that most two-year-olds are trim.  After consultation with
paediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, the new diet
was formulated.  It is inexpensive, offers great variety and
sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on this diet, however, be
sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see
him afterward.  Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with apricot jam.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jam over your face and clothes.

Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of pre-crushed crisps,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a 5p, 4 sips of stale beer.  

Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen    
floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to
be eaten, not smoked).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack - Lick a lollipop until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril.  Pour coke over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub
in hair.  Glass of milk:  drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. 
After breakfast, pick up yesterday's lolly from rug, lick off fuzz,
and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jam sandwich.  Spit several
bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
half-cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to dog.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that lolly and finish eating it.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball  
on plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 02/07/98   
[from the Jewish Humor List]

        There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.  In Jewish tradition the
fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

 "The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the Hebrew teacher informed
his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th.  What does this mean to
you ?"

    After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do
without Chinese food for 1063 years."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in
the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the
evening of the Sabbath.  The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.
Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they
deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and
brought back two bags of dried peas.  "Put these in your shoes," he told
them, "and walk on them for a week, to remiond yourself how hard life can
be when you turn away from  the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark
circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he
had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't
you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."

"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He
started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Mouse Problem

        A Priest , Minister, and Rabbi were having lunch. The Priest was complaining about a
problem he was having with mice in his Church.  The Minister said he had the same problem and 
called professional exterminators to get rid of the mice but they had no success.

        The Rabbi said he once had the same problem but it no longer is a problem.

        "How did you get rid of them?" asked the Priest and the Minister.

        "Simple," said the Rabbi, " I put some cheese on top of the Dais, and when the mice came to
eat the cheese, I Bar Mitzvah'd them. That was the last time I ever saw them!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 02/08/98   
[from Bill's Punch Line]

WHY I DO NOT ATTEND MOVIES

1. The manager of the theater never called on me.

2. I did go a few times, but no one spoke to me.

3. Every time I go they ask me for money -- they mention it even before I
get in.

4. Many of the folks who attend do not live up to the moral standards of
the films.

5. I went so much as a child I've had all the entertainment I need.

6. The performance lasts too long -- I can't sit still for a couple of
hours or longer.

7. I don't always agree with what I see and hear.

8. I don't think that they have very good music.

9. The thermostat is always too high or too low, and the lighting is
terrible.

10. The shows are usually in the evenings, and that's the only time I am
able to be at home with my family.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Joy of Coffee

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:  it leadeth me beyond the
sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:  it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for
its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will
fear no Equal (tm):  for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they
comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez: thou
anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I
will dwell in the House of Maxwell for ever.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 02/09/98   
[from Megan L. Self, via Reader's Digest]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."  Lately, though, this hasn't
seemed to work.  Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke.  We have Pepsi,
Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier.  So one day I simply
asked the snackbar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Ma'am, would you like a cylindrical
plastic sucking device with that?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Seshadri Narasimhan, via UGA Humor List]

If a studio called Universal Pictures were to go bankrupt and, after a few years, it were to emerge
from bankruptcy as a whole company would this be an appropriate headline?

"Scientists delighted at discovery: Universal solvent"
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

you might be an accountant if....

1. Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card 

2. You refer to your child as Deduction 214 

3. You deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses" 

4. At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation 

5. You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======" 

6. You have no idea that GAP (sic) is also a clothing store
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 02/10/98   
[from Bill's Punch Line]

There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose wornout body
began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three
times a day, to relax her. 

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily
declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So
she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several
sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she
wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Tonya, on Rehu]

YOU MAY BE A PREACHER IF...

* You've ever lied to the choir director about how good the cantata
  sounded.

* Your wife has amassed a huge collection of unsolicited casserole
  recipes.

* You'd like to put on the gloves and go a few rounds with Benny Hinn.

* You think Exegesis should be an Olympic Event.

* You love to eat lunch alone so you don't have to say grace out loud.

* You sort of enjoy inviting the Mormons in to "talk."

* People apologize to you after they use profanity.

* While shaving, you've pointed at yourself in the mirror and shouted,
  "REPENT!" just to see what you look like doing it.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 02/11/98   
[from Scott P. Herzig, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge.  When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge
school that could present the best claim for the honor.  

Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education
in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge
leading into Cambridge named for the institution.  

MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of
defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.
+--------------------------------------+
[From Nick's Humor List at <nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net> ]

Join the Club!
-------------

The Yoko Club?                  Oh no.

The German philosophy club?     I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?            Pardon me?

The Arafat club?                Yessir.

The Procrastinator's Club       Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders        They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Prayer Group                God willing!

The Alzheimer's club?           Forget it.

The anti-perspirant club?       Sure.

The pregancy club?              Conceivably.

The Agoraphobics Society        Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club          Can I bring a friend?

The Siskel&Ebert movie club?    Roger.

The Japanese theater club?      Noh.

The quarterback club?           I'll pass.

The Spanish optometrists club?  Si.

The Groucho Marx club?          You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?             Never. Never.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 02/12/98   
[from EcuLaugh]

At the evening worship service, attendance was slim, the offering, the
minister could see as he held the plates, was skimpy.
   
   He began his dedicatory prayer: "O Lord, thou knowest that there aren't
many of us out tonight... and those who are out aren't out very much..."
+--------------------------------------+
[from EcuLaugh]
   
   A lady in a particular congregation was given to much enthusiasm in the
worship -- shouting, crying out loud "Amen!"s, and disrupting the decency
and orderly Presbyterian service. Finally it took two ushers to carry her
out. As she was f orcibly being led down the aisle, she was heard to
exclaim, " I can't stand the honor! I can't stand the honor!"

   Someone asked her what she meant.

   She cried out, " My Lord was carried into Jerusalem on the back of one
jackass. I have the honor of being carried out by two!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Randy Wood]

An angry wife yelling at her husband as they were leaving church:  "Don't get huffy because the
pastor couldn't remember your name...you couldn't even remember where the church was!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from F.I. Goldhaber, via UGA Humor List]

A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line
for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through
the line, were able to go through heaven's gates. Others were lining
up behind satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires
of hell.  Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul
into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for
hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and
went over and tapped satan on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment
(didn't want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been
condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these
people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?"

"Oh," satan said with a snicker. "Those are Oregonians. They're too
wet to burn."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 02/13/98   
[from Bill's Punch Line]

 Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

 Income Tax: Capital punishment.

 A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

 Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

 To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

  Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

  Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

 Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

 Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
 A: They both involve sandy claws.

 Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

 Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

 Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

 Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

I quit smoking cold turkey.
It was too hard cramming it into my pipe.

Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinions of the
flag that she had made. It was the first flag poll.

Employees at AAMCO Mufflers complain that it is exhausting work.

When the first marble building was built, everyone took it for
granite.

The Janitors Union went on strike demanding sweeping reforms.
The Baker's Union, however, wanted more dough.

William Canby is credited with inventing the first computing
scales, which proves that where there's a Will, there is a
weigh.
 
Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging
machine which revolutionized commercial sales in 1924. He was
known as Jack the Wrapper and he made a bundle.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 02/14/98   [Valentine's Day]
[from Stan Kegel]

Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her eyelashes that I never saw her
wear before. I asked her if she ever used it before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I
asked her why, and she said... "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List]

Definition of A Kiss:

Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.

Prof. of Algebra:     Kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:    Kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:     Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:   Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between  two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:     Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:  Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of
contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:   Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:   Kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:  Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Philosophy:  Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for
the old.
Prof. of English:     Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it
is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all
Prof. of Engineering  What is a Kiss?

"A Kiss is that you cannot give without taking, and cannot take without giving. It is a course of
procedure cunningly devised for the mutual stoppage of speech for a moment when words are
superfluous. It is lip-service to love and the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris
muscles in a state of contraction.

    A Kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets
it for nothing, the young man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. It is the baby's right,
the lover's privilege, and the hypocrite's mask. To young girl, faith; married woman, hope; old
maid, charity. A Kiss can be a comma, quotation mark or an exclamation point. It is also a
pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one."

A Kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition.

Kissing a pretty girl is like opening a bottle of olives. After the first one the rest come easy.

"Am I the first girl you ever Kissed ?"
"Might be -- your face looks familiar."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 02/15/98   
Pity the confused history student who thought that the Calvinists were a group of Swiss yuppies
who worshipped designer jeans.
+--------------------------------------+
Pagans make the best friends. They worship the ground you walk on!!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Paul Littlefield, on Rehu]

The Warm and Fuzzy, Inclusive, Non-Abusive, God-Loves-My-Inner-Child Hymn Sing

Hymn #1

The God of Sarah praise,
Who lies abed above,
Ancient of ever laid-back days,
And God of Love.
To God uplift your voice,
At whose polite request
From earth we rise and seek the joys
At Her left hand.


Hymn #2

Faith of our parents!  living still
In spite of rehab, shame, and guilt;
O how our hearts are warm with joy,
When e'er we hear the glorious word:
Faith of our parents, holy faith!
We will be true at least a month.


Hymn #3

A cozy cottage is our God
A pain-pill never failing;
Our helper He amid the flood
Of all our primal wailing.
For still our pathology,
In spite of CPE,
Does seek to do us in.
Is this what you call sin?
No therapy His equal.


Hymn #4

Lie down, lie down for Jesus,
Ye folks that need a rest;
Put down that royal banner,
Our fiath is no stress test.
From naptime to vacation,
Our comfort God shall heed;
Till every jaw unclenches,
And we relax indeed.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 02/16/98   
[from Jennifer Selke, via UGA Humor List]

SCHOOL REPORT CARDS: What we really mean when we write:



Satisfactory progress: either:  I can't think of a single interesting thing to write about him.   Or:     
I don't know this child.

Good Progress:         If you think his work is bad now, you should have seen it a year ago!

Easy-going:    Bone Idle

Lively:          Thoroughly disruptive

Helpful:       A creep

Reliable:     Grasses on his mates

Friendly:     Never shuts up.

Determined:     Completely lacking all scruples.

Imaginative:    Lies and cheats regularly.

Adventurous:     Will probably break his neck before the year is our if we don't do it for him.

Independent-minded"    Thoroughly obstinate

A sensitive child:     He never stops whining.

A born leader:         He runs a protection racket.

A vivid imagination:   Always has an excuse.

Easily distracted:     Hasn't produced a single piece of work all year.

Easily influenced:     The class fall guy.

Expresses himself confidently:           Cheeky little ******.

Expresses himself clearly:        Foul-mouthed.

Has many minor illnesses:             A truant.

Enjoys PE:     A thug.

Good with his hands:   Light-fingered

Works better in a small group:    Daren't take my eyes off him for a second.

Needs praise and encouragement:         Thick as two short planks.

All his work is of a high standard:       He has ambitious middle-class parents.

Keen to do well:       Self-centred and egotistical.

Is easily upset:       Spoilt rotten.

Often appears tired:   either  Solvent abuser Or  Stays up all night watching video nasties.

Works better at practical activities:  Totally illiterate.

Inclined to day-dream: Never listens to a word I say.

Good sense of humour:  Teases other kids unmercifully.

Reads aloud well:      In love with the sound of his own voice

Often needs guidance:  Frequently sent to the Headmaster.

Chooses his friendscarefully:     Member of the national front

Resents authority:     Father is doing time.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 02/17/98   
[from the Jewish Humor List] - long

The Jewish Olympics

                            by Stuart Spector


         After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was
         found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.
         Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the
         world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the
         following:

         Decathlon:
         Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's
         decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the
         group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.
         Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no
         longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva
         buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have
         promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem
         for this particular event.

         Oyga Vault:
         A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the
         bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights
         cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be
         added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz
         mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in
         the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"

         Synchronized Swimming:
         Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make
         a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has
         finished?

         Synchronized Tanning:
         Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten
         minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two
         rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose.
         An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional
         points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be
         deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.

         Team Handball:
         The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team
         will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The
         three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the
         infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put
         competition.

         Triathlon:
         This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a
         serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes
         (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second
         part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets
         to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be
         required to run the marathon.

         In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will
         feature some experimental, non-medal competition:

         Bagel Toss:
         A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands
         a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.

         Balance Beam:
         The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in
         the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.

         Challah Chap:
         How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house
         before Pesach?  In this competition, each participant must rid a
         miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.

         Dream Team:
         This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored
         men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of
         psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to
         analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.

         Moyl Marathon:
         Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each
         kilometer mark.  This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the
         babies of course.

         Naches Shlep:
         Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have
         two minutes to boast about their einiklach.

         Rings:
         No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to
         newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth
         fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color,
         clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's":
         smile, sophistication, and simchas.

        Shochet Slaughter:
        Not for the weak of stomach or for animal rights activists, the shochet has
        twenty minutes to bless and slaughter as many cows as possible.  The meat
        from the slaughter will be fed to the weight lifters and  wrestlers.

        Enjoy the Olympics in Atlanta. Remember, none of these events, (with the
        exception of the Torah reading), will be held on Shabbes.   Some events may
        require the separation of men and women.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 02/18/98   
[from Naomi, on Rehu]

Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child

 Feeling the Baby Move


 First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could
 for two months waiting for that first time when I  could feel the baby
 move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt
 this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them
 about the blessed experience.

 Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office.
  I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We  included the
 experience in all of our letters to our family.

 Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it
 our during the next commercial break. I missed out  because her mother
 called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football.
 By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

 Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to
 her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to
 sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for
 a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.


 The Trip to the Hospital

 First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we
 rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her
 down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

 Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in
 thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat,
 with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her
 feet.

 Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having
 regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we
 went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

 Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she
 was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to
 drive herself because I didn't want her bleeding on the carpet.


 Pacifier Falls on Floor

 First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it
 by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten
 minutes, she gives it back to the child.

 Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on
 it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child

 Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to
 the child.

 Fourth child: Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back
 to the child.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 02/19/98   
[from Don Mullings, via EcuLaugh]

     The Pope was on a state visit to the US. As is the custom in his
   country when going to dinner at someone's home, he requested that he
   be allowed to personally prepare one of the dishes to be served at
   the official state dinner to be held in his honor that evening.
    Of course, he was allowed to do this, and he used the White House's
   kitchen facilities to prepare the well known Polish delicacy known as
    "pierogi", a potato and cheese filled dumpling.

     That evening after the Pope and the Presidential party enjoyed a
    fine meal, the President rose to give the traditional toast in honor
    of the Pope. As the President reached the end of his toast, he
   didn't want to miss the opportunity to compliment the Pope on his
   culinary skills. "Your Holiness," the President continued, "we are so
    honored to have you with us this evening. We have most especially
    enjoyed the pierogi that you prepared for us and want to thank for
   sharing this delicacy with us. I must know; where did you learn to
   prepare pierogi so well?"

   As is customary, the Pope rose to return the President's toast.
    After the necessary diplomatic pleasantries, the Pope turned to
   the subject of the meal. "And finally Mr. President, thank you for
    your compliments about my pierogi. Where did I learn to prepare them
    so well? Well it is simple. As Pope, it shouldn't be so surprising
   that as a young boy, I went to pierogial school, of course."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jewish Humor List]

Rabbinical Supervision

Rabbi Friedman, quite Orthodox did a double-take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through
the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam
chowder the waitress was setting before him. As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish,
jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the
president ate his way through his dinner. As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him saying:
"you, you of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you
eat such traife!?"

The president replied: "you saw me eat the soup? And the shrimp?"

"Yes, and yes" came the reply.

"Then there is no problem - I ate my food under rabbinical supervision!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 02/20/98   
[from Stan Kegel]

Peek-A-Boo Street, the Olympic Gold Medalist in Skiing, has made quite a
name for herself since her initial assault for the Gold in Lillehammer.
Thru endoresments and other perks, she has amassed a tidy sum for a
young lady.  In her quest for sharing her good fortune with people in
her community, and, because she had spent so much time in the local
hospital with multiple suguries for knee injuries, she donated a sizable
amount of money to said hospital to be used at their discretion.  In
need of better facilities in their Intensive Care Unit, the hospital put
her money in a new area now known as the Peek-A-Boo I. C. U.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bob, via UGA Humor List]

A famous producer chose to make a movie about famous composers.
For some reason, he decided to cast famous action-adventure heroes
to  play the lead roles.

When asked whom he would like to play, Sly Stalone said, "I've
always admired Mozart, and even though they've already made a
movie about him, I'd like to play that composer."

Van Damm said, "Beethoven was a heroic figure. Even when deaf, he
created masterpieces and then conducted them. I'll be Beethoven."

And Arnie said, "I'll be Bach."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Funny Bone]

 Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck
 slammed into one of them.  An ambulance was called and they rushed the
 little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours
 of surgery.  Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot
 who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.  "Tell me Doc, how
 is he?"

 The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news.  The
 good news is he's going to live.  The bad news is we're pretty sure he's
 going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 02/21/98   
[from Natasha, on Rehu]

Shrove Tuesday Ritual #1

 What happens during a solemn pancake procession when it passes by an
International House of Pancakes (IHOP):

I spent a little more time in researching this than I should have, but I ended
up consulting my copy of Ritual Notes, Interim Edition, which is an unpublished
edition that was compiled for specific London parishes' use during the Second
World War.  While RN/IE doesn't specifically mention the IHOP, it does treat of
the subject in general terms:

PANCAKE PROCESSIONS: Encountering a Pancake Restaurant.
In certain neighbourhoods, the solemn pancake procession will of necessity pass
by a restaurant whose speciality is pancakes, flapjacks, or crepes.
Extraordinary means are not to be taken to avoid this situation, unless a
detour would add dignity and not unreasonable length to the route.  Traditional
ceremonies are to be observed while passing before such an establishment.

When the restaurant is sighted by the verger, he shall signal to the acolyte,
who shall ring the bell thrice. The procession shall continue, but the serving
of pancakes shall cease until the restaurant has been passed by.  On hearing
the bell, the clergy and lay ministers in procession shall turn their heads so
as to face the establishment directly whilst they continue forward.  Upon a
single stroke of the bell, all shall stop and turn to face the restaurant.  The
sacred ministers shall remove their birettas, taking care not to drop the syrup
pitcher as they do so.  The lay ministers shall take the birettas and pitcher.
The sacred ministers shall then double-genuflect, first bringing the right knee
to the ground and then the left knee to join the right one on the ground.  All
others shall bow low.  The celebrant shall chant the collect for Shrove
Tuesday.  This completed, all shall rise, and the celebrant shall cover and
resume the pitcher. A single stroke of the bell shall signal the resumption of
the procession.

--RITUAL NOTES, Interim Edition, Morehouse-Barlow, 1941

[Catholics will want to include the lovely Latin hymn, 'Pancake Angelicus.']
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 02/22/98
[from various folks on Rehu]

Shrove Tuesday Ritual #2

It is that time of the year again.  You have planned everything you need
to plan up through the Feast of the Resurrection--or so you think.  You
look at your liturgical calendar again and--GASP!--you have, yet again,
neglected Shrove Tuesday.

For your edification and education, I hereby resurrect some materials from
the archives of the Religious Humor List to make a few suggestions.  Those
of you who are modernist relativizers will undoubtedly go with the
Australian secular celebration.  Those of you who know and love the
Lutheran Confessions will undoubtedly stick with the orthodox liturgy.
Here follows the material, arranged into the following sections:

(1) a brief introduction,

(2) an example of the ghastly secularization of Shrove practices
in Australia.

(3) an outline of the orthodox and valid liturgy of Shove Tuesday,

(4) an Antipodian rejoinder to the orthodox position.


   As Lent approached in the Winter of 1994, several members of the
   Religious Humor List joined in an ongoing discussion of Shrove Tuesday.
   Since this is an open list, and we let anybody on, several Unitarians
   were utterly confused.  What, they demanded to know, is this Shrove
   business?  One member from Australia presented the highly secularized
   practices of Antipodian Shroving.  A good conservative Midwestern
   Lutheran upheld the traditional religious meaning of the Feast.
     _________________________________________________________________

   Thus wrote the Antipodian:

Took my baby to the shrive-in
Took my baby to the shrive-in
Took my baby to the shrive-in
An' we played hunt the shrove

Chased that shrove in the front  seat
Chased that shrove in the front seat
Caught that shrove in the back seat
An' put him in a paper bag

CHORUS

Shrived the shriven shrewish shroves
Shaved the shaven shortish coves
Cleaved the cloven Clovis cloves
All in a paper bag

Well, as you see from the above fragment of a traditional Aussie
Shrove-Hunting Song that's how we do it hereabouts ...

Jenny
jhatte@metz.une.edu.au
     _________________________________________________________________

   Respondeth the Lutheran:

Jenny has given us evidence of the extent to which Shrove Tuesday has
become a secular event in Australia.

Among High Liturgical Lutherans in the Midwest USA, however, Shrove
Tuesday is still treated with reverence.  On February 28 next, we will
gather in the court yards of our parish churches, and after the bidding
prayer will sing

Bringing in the Shroves,
Bringing in the Shroves,
We shall go rejoicing,
Bringing in the Shroves.

We will then form a solemn procession behind the thurifer, crucifer and
torch bearers and enter the church, waving our Shroves triumphantly over
our heads and singing

Brightest and best of the Shroves of the morning,
Shrove on our darkness and lend us thine aid:
Shrove of the east, the horizon adorning,
Guide where our Shroves will lead to thine aid.

Once in the nave, we place all of our Shroves in a large metal basin
(the technical term for which is Shrovorium).  When we have shriven
ourselves of all of our Shroves, the torch bearers ignite the collected
Shrovarim (as they are technically called in the rubrics) as we sing,

All God's Children are shriven toda-ay
A-A-A-A-A-le-i-loo-oo-yah!
No more Shroves for days and da-ays
A-A-A-A-A-le-i-loo-oo-yah!
Forty days is not so long
A-A-A-A-A-le-i-loo-oo-yah!
Burn your Shroves, you can't go wrong
A-A-A-A-A-le-i-loo-oo-yah!

We solemnly leave after the last Shrove is consumed by fire, and return
the next day when ashes from the burned Shroves are imposed on our
foreheads in what is know as the Grand Imposition.

It is a beautiful and meaningful part of the ritual life of the Church.
I can hardly contain my tears as I write about it, and I am sorry that
our Antipodian friends have chosen to ignore the rich religious meaning
behind the day and have made of it a secular travesty.

GREGORY HOLMES SINGLETON
     _________________________________________________________________

   Rejoindeth the Antipod:

Oh Gregory, Gregory, how you do misunderstand ...

I quote with commentary from your post:

>Jenny has given us evidence of the extent to which Shrove Tuesday has
>become a secular event in Australia.

Yes, and with good reason.
...
... > singing
>
>Brightest and best of the Shroves of the morning,
>Shrove on our darkness and lend us thine aid:

Can you not see the danger of shrovolatry in this practice?
...
>... when ashes from the burned Shroves are imposed on our
>foreheads in what is know as the Grand Imposition.

Not to mention cruelty to shroves!
>
>It is a beautiful and meaningful part of the ritual life of the Church.
>I can hardly contain my tears as I write about it, and I am sorry that
>our Antipodian friends have chosen to ignore the rich religious meaning
>behind the day and have made of it a secular travesty.

After much prayer, meditation and the laying on of shrews, the Combined
Churches  of Australia, while recognising the 'rich religious meaning' of
the original 'shrove hunt' (here of course it is the marsupial shrove), the
waving of shroves and the Grand Imposition (in Australia the Beaut
Benediction), concluded that the ceremony had little Christian meaning left
for the  surfies, cockies, wrinklies, yuppies, New Australians etc. who
make up the majority of the  population.  New Age Shrovist sects were
springing up, including the now notorious Temple of  the Shrove Within, at
Nimbin, NSW.  People were hanging dried shroves from their car mirrors as
good-luck charms.  Manufacturers were making millions selling plastic
shroves to children and teenagers, after the cartoon series "Teenage Lenten
Shrovesons" and the successful advertising campaign:  "Get a life.  Get a
shrove". In the bush, the by now highly profitable practice of commercial
shrove hunting was becoming a massacre.
                The churches dissociated themselves forthwith from all
manifestations of shrovism and shrovolatry, choosing on Shrove Tuesday to
replace the old ceremony with a simple service of thanks for the shrove as
representative of all God's creatures.  They successfully campaigned to
have the marsupial shrove declared a protected animal.
        The secular shrove hunt, which had always existed along with the
religious ceremony,  survived:  pure harmless fun, involving the release of
a clockwork shrove within a car, in the dark.  The dubious practices which
sprang out of the original Christian Ceremony are now, I'm glad to say,
dying out.

        I'm happy that in the Midwest the Shrove has retained its original
significance.  I just hope that the ritual's continuation never leads where
it led here.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 02/23/98
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Sadie, the mother of two teenages, said to her friend, Mona, "I'm worried about my kids' failing
eyesight.  My daughter can't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and my son can't find
anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food."

+--------------------------------------+
[from Michael Dimond, on Rehu]

Famous People's Next Job Interview

Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot of office politics and back
stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James - I can list among my experience and skills: leadership,
extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate
understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at
numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette - My management style has been criticized, but I'd like
to think of my self as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company a head start on the
competition.

Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the
department, our competition just seemed to drop out of
sight one by one.

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new
things.

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I
downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of
several countries.

MacBeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy
who would knock off his boss for a promotion.

Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis - My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 02/24/98
[from Naomi, on Rehu]

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.

"What's the matter with you?"  he said.  "Born in a barn?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jewish Humor List]

 What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the
Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
   they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Horseradish for Passover

The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops.

A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish
it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended. The
community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they
tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply "Sorry! No can do." 

In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv - who happened to be the
second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the despatch of a crate
of Israeli horseradish roots, by air-freight to Madrid. It took the friend two days to organize, and
two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly
loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs,
he was informed that an unforseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the
airport's Transport and General Workers Union, and no shipments would be unloaded for at least
four days. 

So you see, "the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 02/25/98
[from Just Too Funny!]

Best viewed with a fixed font like courier.

    HAVE YOU HUGGED SOMEONE TODAY?


      .""""".        ."""".
     ."."":."""""""""::"".".
     :."::"            ":".:
      ":"   ..    ..    ":"         .................
      ."   : #:  : #:    ".      .:'                 :
      :     ""....""      :  ....:    H u g   m e !  :
      ".    :. ": .:      :       `:.................:
     ...:.    "::"     ..:...
    :   .::"........."::.    :
    :   ..:           :..    :
    ":...:             :....:"
     ."":  :"".   ."":  :"".
     :   ""   :   :   ""   :
     :        :   :        :
      "......"""""""......"


     I LIKE HUGS

     It's wonderous what a hug can do,
     A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
     A hug can say, I love you so
     Or, I hate to see you go.
     A hug is 'Welcome back again!'
     And 'Great to see you!' or
     'Where've you been?'
     A hug can soothe a child's pain,
     And bring a rainbow after rain.
     The hug! There's just no doubt about it,
     We scarcely could survive without it.
     A hug delights and warms and charms.
     It must be why God gave us arms.

     Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
     Sweet for sisters, even for brothers,
     And chances are, some favorite aunts
     Love them more than potted plants.
     Kittens crave them, Puppies love them,
     Heads of state are not above them.
     A hug can break the language barrier,
     And make the dullest day seem merrier.
     No need to fret about the store of 'em:
     The more you give,
     The more there are of 'em.
     So stretch those arms without delay
     And give someone a hug today.

      _   _    _   _    _   _
     (~._.~)  (~,_,~)  (~._.~)
     _{ Y }_  _{ Y }_  _{ Y }_
    ()_~~~_()()_~~~_()()_~~~_()
   "Friendship is Love with Understanding."
     (_)-(_)  (_)-(_)  (_)-(_)



                ( ^ )_( ^ )( ^ )_( ^)
                /     o  o)(o  o   \
            _ /     (     | |  )     \_
          (_ /         *      *       (_ )
          /                           |\
           |              |         |  | |
          |    |        |          \__/ |
            \__/         |               |
             |            |              |
              >           \             /
             <___,_,__| __/ |___><___/
                      HUG O' WAR

             I will not play Tug O' War,
             I'd rather play Hug O' War;
         Where everyone hugs, instead of tugs,
      And everyone giggles and rolls on the rug.
              Where everyone kisses,
                and everyone grins;
                  everyone cuddles,
                  and everyone wins.

   *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*          *Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*       *Hug* *Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*      *Hug*   *Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*     *Hug*
   *Hug**Hug**Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*
   *Hug**Hug**Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*    *Hug**Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*    *Hug*     *Hug*     *Hug*     *Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*     *Hug*   *Hug*       *Hug*   *Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*      *Hug* *Hug*         *Hug* *Hug*
   *Hug*     *Hug*         *Hug*               *Hug*

                                <HUG>
                  You have just been hugged!!
     That's right, there's no getting out of it this time!!
       This is the start of a full-scale Hug O' War!
                So hug everyone you know!!!

                         So here you go.
        All I can say it will do is brighten someone's day.
             I mean, we all need a hug once in awhile.
                  So send this on if you'd like,
                   to anyone who may need a hug,
                Send it back to whoever sent it to you,
                      Send it back to me!!
       Goodness knows, we could all REALLY use a hug sometimes.
       So send this on and SHOW someone YOU really "DO CARE"!!!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 02/26/98
I practice achieving serenity by contemplating the rising of bread dough. This is known as the
Wisdom of the Yeast.
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

How many does it take to change a light bulb?

Jewish mother:
That's OK, I'll just sit here in the dark...

Shul president:
You want I should change the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light
bulb!!!!

How many Jewish Princesses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.  One to hold the diet coke and one to call Daddy.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Natasha, on Rehu]

>  Q:  How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>  A:  Two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to say how much they
>      miss the old bulb.

Get real. The answer is: 300

A sexton to change the bulb.

The rector, assistant rector, deacon, and seminarian to lead the ceremony
blessing the new bulb.

The church secretary to make up the special bulletin insert with the
bulb-blessing ceremony, including congregational responses: "Do you, the
People of St. Swithin's-on-the-Grunge, promise to support this bulb in its
work on behalf of this church?" "We do!"

The choirmaster/organist to write and arrange a special Blessing of the Bulb
anthem -- the "Phos 100-Watt GE Soft White" -- and 12 choir members to sing it.

An acolyte and two torch-bearers to sit around looking bored and making faces
at each other.

And 278 people in the pews thinking to themselves, "Is this service EVER going
to end?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 02/27/98
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your
midsection unprotected.
        -- Robert Orben
+--------------------------------------+
[from squiffy, via UGA Humor List]

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Crawley. The teacher asked the children their
names one at a time. She came to a little Pakastani boy and asked his name :

"Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.

"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me" said the little boy.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

 A second grader arrived home after school and shocked his mother by announcing, "Today we
learned how to make babies."

 Risking further embarrassment, the mother ask for details on how to make babies."

 "It's simple, the boy replied, "Just drop the 'y' and add 'ies."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via the Jewish Humor List]

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to
her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the
mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" 

An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish
instead of Hebrew?" 

Replied the mother, "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

 A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he
 looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Then something fell out of
 the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old
 leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.  
 
 "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.  
 
 "What have you got there?" his mother asked.  With astonishment in the
 young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 02/28/98
[from  http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/3984/ ]

Spielbergian Apologists of Pittsburgh

As you all probably know, the faith of the true Spielbergian lies in the knowledge of the absolute
truth contained in every one of the Spielbergian Gospels. But recently, people of many
denominations, specially [Tim] Burtonians, have started to promote the disbelief of Spielbergism
by making the preposterous charge that the Spielbergian Gospels contain contradictions. The
target of their most recent and incisive attacks have been two of the most sacred gospels for any
Spielbergian: the gospel according to Michael [Crichton, writer of the Jurasik Park book], and the
gospel according to Steven [the Jurasik Park movie]. They claim that the accounts contained in
these gospels are different, that there is no possible way to harmonize them, and thus Spielbergism
must be false. 

Oh, I pity those poor souls who need to resort to such ludicrous claims to promote their own
disbelief and to childishly avoid the obvious conclusion that Spielbergism is The One True Faith.  

In order to dismantle such absurd claims, I have written this short document to answer all such
claims of contradictions in the Spielbergian gospels and to utterly demonstrate that it is only their
own foolish denial what makes them look like contradictions. 

     Claim: In the JP [Jurasik Park] movie, the girl was about fourteen while in the book she was
only seven. 

     Answer: there are several way to harmonize this apparent contradiction: 
        1.Some Old-School Spielbergian Apologists claim that Michael was nearsighted, and that he
could only hear the girl's voice while he was writing his gospel, so he didn't actually see how old
the girl was and he simply assumed she was seven when she really was fourteen. Most modern
Spielbergian apologists reject this harmonization because it undermines Michael's descriptions of
the time and other people. 

        2.The book of Michael, as everyone knows, was originally written in the language of
Indianian (also know as Jonesian), which was the language spoken by the Jaws (God's chosen
people) of the time, and it's the language in which most of the E.T. (Elder Testament) was
written. In this ancient language, the word seven is written "euchnia" and the word fourteen is
written "euchniat." As you can see, the words are quite similar so it is possible that the apparent
contradiction is only a typo, proving the gospel is inerrant. 

        3.But the best harmonization is this one: the gospel according to Steven does not mention
the girl's age. So the girl could be seven years old but she just happened to suffer from a glandular
problem that made her look like a fourteen-year-old girl. 

     Claim: In the book, the chaotician and Hammond die, while in the movie they don't. And the
hunter lives in the book, but dies in the movie. 

     Answer: In regard to the people who supposedly die, the word that Michael used here was
"siniea" which was mistranslated as "to die." But the word could also be translated as "to fall
asleep", "to count sheep" or "to pee in the bushes." Any of those translations seem more
appropriate than "to die" when you read them in context. In regard to the hunter's death, that just
never happened. In the movie, he's attacked by a raptor, but just because you see his body pieces
flying around and a growing pool of blood doesn't mean he actually dies. 

     Claim: In the movie, the girl is the one who knows about computers and the boy hates them,
while in the book it's the boy who knows about them and the girl hates them. 

     Answer: Both of them know about computers and both of them hate them. It's a state that
psychologists qualify as "a state of partial denial of one's own ability which conveys a propensity
to express dislike toward that ability. This state is usually caused by using computers with a
Microsoft Operating System in them." So no contradiction here. 

     Claim: The book ends with the island being attacked by the Costa Rican armed forces, while
the movie makes no mention of this... There's a character called Ed Regis in the book, but not in
the movie... In the movie, the helicopter that leaves the island isn't carrying the hunter whom you
just said had survived the raptor attack... etc. 

     Answer: This is pathetic. The good old "argument from silence." This one should deserve the
Golden Duh Award for the most ridiculous attempt of contradiction ever made. Well kids, just
because one gospel doesn't mention a part of the story doesn't mean it never happened. You see,
that's why we have so many gospels, because the God Spielberg knew that giving you an
absolutely complete version of the story would be boring, so he turned the story into some sort of
a jigsaw puzzle so you can have fun putting the different pieces together, while as the same time,
you're receiving the valuable moral lessons instilled in them. 

These are just a few examples of the ridiculous claims made by Burtonians. As you can clearly
see, it is so easy to dismantle them that one wonders why did they bother coming up with them in
the first place. I can only suppose that the desperation of their denial is so great as to force them
to use any weapon at hand, no matter how useless such weapon might prove to be. 

If there's any other alleged contradiction that you find troubling, faith shaking, or down right
funny, please do not hesitate and send it our way so we can give an answer to those fools who
pretend to undermine the validity of our faith. We still don't have an e-mail address of our own,
but you can send your comments to The CHOKE's address (biohistorian@hotmail.com). Just
make sure to mention Spielbergian Apologists of Pittsburgh (or SAP) on the Subject header. 

Greetings, 

Francis Marshall, 

President of Spielbergian Apologists of Pittsburgh. 
+--------------------------------------+
