HUMOR 9803 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 03/01/98
"Have you made your peace with God?"

"I don't know that we've ever quarreled."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar
with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL'. White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned
to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, .... "Is Nothing Sacred?
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stuart Lyster, via EcuLaugh]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
Forever and ever,
+--------------------------------------+
[from Darren, on Rehu]

Prayer in the 90's 

LORD, HELP ME TO CONTROL MY ANGER!!!!

Lord, help me to show more respect to the chics.

Lord, if you're not too busy, I mean if you really wouldn't mind too much, I
thought it might make my life just a little bit easier if I could just be more
assertive.  If that's ok with you.

Lord, please help me to overcome my impure thoughts; and Lord?  What are you
wearing?

Lord , be a doll and please help me to overcome my effeminate side.

?aixelsyd ym htiw em pleh esaelp uoy nac ,droL

Lord, please help me to watch less tv and - sorry Lord, commercial's over,
talk to you later!!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 03/02/98
[forwarded by Nancy Rice]

 Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


 Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


 Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C",
the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M".
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?


 Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.


 Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do
you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.


 Teaching Math in 1994:

By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price
from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by
exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.


 Teaching Math in 1996:

A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and
when demand for their product is down the logging work force can
easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned
$50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was
outsourcing a good move?


 Teaching Math in 1997:

A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the
higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest
for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It
tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence
of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all
federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying
costs? 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 03/03/98
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Adultery Is In Our Genes
                                    (John, chapter 11, verse 35: "Jesus wept")

The Bishop of Edinburgh, the Most Reverend Richard Holloway, has urged the
Anglican Church to accept that "adultery is caused by our genetics" and not
"condemn affairs as sinful and wrong". A recent cladistic reconstruction of
the gospels casts light on this idea:

1. Jesus went unto the mount of olives; and in his stead he left a man from
the north.
2. And the scribes and the pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in
adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
3. They said unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the
very act.
4. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned; but 
what sayest thou?
5. And he said unto them, is it not written in the book of Darwin that those
who go forth and multiply shall be most blest across the generations?
6. Even as the voice of the turtle is heard in the land of Galapagos.
7. And Darwin begat Dawkins. And Dawkins said, that which prospers is 
the gene, and only the gene.
8. And the gene is selfish.
9. I say unto you, the gene shapes the body, and the doings of the body, 
to its ends; it will go forth multiplying without fear of God.
10. For the Trivers and the Willards have written that the man, being of
greater size, needs must bed many women. And the Wrights and the Ridleys
and their kin have published such, on the shelves and on the coffee tables, 
and in the pages that are called Op Ed.
11. And so, let him among you who has not evolved cast the first stone.
12. For it is human nature.
13. And a bearded pharisee spoke, saying, this is an absurdly reductionist
view of humanity, paying scant heed to the complex interactions of
environment and genetics in human behavioural patterns.
14. Another cried out, you seem not to have grasped the objective nature 
of the evolutionist programme, which is not meant to provide normative
statements about what should be the case, but merely to clarify the 
adaptations the organism has made to date.
15. And a third said, besides which, the concept of original sin has an
established pre-eminence in the church's teaching. To say that the fallen
state is natural makes no difference.
16. And they cast the first stone.
17. And the second, and the third.
18. Until the man of the north was heard no more.
19. And the woman walked off untouched; she kept these things to herself,
and pondered them in her heart.

Reprinted in entirety from THE ECONOMIST, 
vol 335, num 7915, May 20th 1995, p.55
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 03/04/98
[from Naomi, on Rehu]

"Is that a piece of origami paper in your hand?"

"Yes; want to make something of it?"
+--------------------------------------+
[Reported by Dave James, The Daily Weekly, September 17, 1997 daily@walrus.com ]

ARLINGTON, VA (DWPI) -- The Army has launched an ambitious integrity
training program.  "The problem is," a spokesman explained, "soldiers
form a group mentality, stop thinking for themselves and follow the
group, right or wrong.  So, even though they are taught to obey orders
blindly, we will teach them not to necessarily follow orders without
question while still obeying orders completely.  Thinking for themselves
in the context of letting superiors think for them allows soldiers to
express moral judgment while remaining in the judgmental suspended state
needed for battle."  Upon completion of the program, the first group of
grads were put in simulated battle at which point they promptly shot
themselves while muttering "Must destroy logic error.  Must destroy
self."  The Army admits the program needs work.
+--------------------------------------+
[From Nick's Humor List at nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net ]

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was  an island in the middle
of the lake, which the kingdoms had been  fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided
that they  would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for
the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were
busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom  had 20 knights,
and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp  was also busy preparing for battle. At the
camp of the third kingdom,  there was only one knight, with his squire.

This squire took a large  pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself 
preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too
trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only
person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other
two kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires
of the other two sides.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thur 03/05/98
[from the Jewish Humor List]

The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when my
husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem.  As we waited patiently at a
busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the street
against the light.  An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said
sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait
for a light."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to  have indoor plumbing, an English
woman was planning a trip to Germany.  

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.  She was
concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.  In England, a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for water closet.  She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location
of the nearest WC.  

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.
Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to
know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. 
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.  It is located
in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds.  It is capable of holding 229
people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.  As there are many people expected in the summer
months, I suggest you arrive early.  There is, however, plenty of standing room.  This is an
unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she
met her husband.  It was a wonderful event.  There were 10 people in every seat.  It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.  My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go
recently.  It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it.  Others
prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!  I would recommend your ladyship plan to
go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment.  The acoustics are excellent and even the
most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.  The newest addition is a bell which rings every
time a person enters.  We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel
it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by
all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 03/06/98
[from Naomi]

The Boston Globe (Friday, February 13th, 1998, p. B5) reports that the MBTA (our local transit
authority) "faces a 'year-2000' problem. That is when computers programmed only for dates in the
20th century may shut down or go bonkers because they will not recognize the shorthand '00' date
as 2000."

It goes on to report that "the MBTA board directors approved a ...  "five-year program to fix the
problem."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Jennifer Walker, via UGA Humor List]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE WHEN:

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your
       salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not
       married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead
      of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a
      sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front
      of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,
      bourbon, and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about
      grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 03/07/98
I'm not anti-semantic, some of my best friends are words!
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Fillet minyan.
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

This is the Purim Torah of Sushi Purim:

What is Sushi Purim, why do we observe it, and what are its laws and
statutes?

In Chapter 9 of the Mackerilla, the Book of Oyster, we read in v. 18
that "the Jews who were in Sushi had assembled both on the 13th and
14th days of the month (of Adar), and rested on the 15th day, making
that a day of feasting and joy." Our sages understood this verse to
mean that, just as they feasted "in Sushi", they also feasted "on
Sushi". As Sushi was a walled city, those who live in a walled city
must also feast on sushi on this day.

What does it mean to feast on sushi? This means only kosher sushi,
which may be vegetable or fish sushi, nigiri (on bed of rice) or maki
(roll), and either cooked or raw. Some poskim say that sashimi is
also sushi for the purpose of the mitzvah. What is the minimum amount
of sushi to constitute a feast? The majority decision renders, at
least 3 orders of nigiri and 2 of maki, per person. The Rambam
disagrees, stating that there must additionally be at least one
portion of salmon roe, colored purple to recall the cloak of white
linen and purple which Mordecai wore when he left the king's presence
(Book of Oyster, Ch. 8 v. 15). A lengthy explanation of this opinion,
and related hilkhot, can be studied in his famous work, Guide for the
Purple Eggs.

Most authorities agree that the sushi seudah is invalid without the
requisite k'zayis of wasabi (blindingly hot green horseradish).
However, we are cautioned not to say a b'rachah on the wasabi, as one
must not say a b'rachah when ingesting substances which place one's
health in jeopardy.

Each person who participates fully in the sushi seudah, including the
required amount of wasabi, should also say Birkat HaGomel at the
earliest opportunity.

Oyster Ha Malka
The SushiQueen
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 03/08/98
[from Maeve Robertson, via EcuLaugh]
   
   From The MENNONITE REPORTER, "Fly on the newsprint" by Ivan Emke
   (with acknowledgement for inspiration to Rosemary Radfore Ruether.)

   TEN REASONS WHY MEN SHOULD NOT BE ORDAINED

 1.  Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as picking turnips or
de-horning cattle.  It would indeed be "unnatural" for them to do other forms of work.  How can
we argue with the intended order that is instituted and enforced by nature?

 2. For men who have children, their duties as ministers might detract from their responsibilities as
parents.  Instead of teaching their children important life skills like how to make a wiener-roasting
stick, they would be off at some committee meeting or preparing a sermon. Thus these
unfortunate children of ordained men would almost certainly receive less attention from their male
parent.  Some couples might even go so far as to put their children into secular daycare centers to
permit the man to fulfill his duties as a minister.

 3. According to the Genesis account, men were created before women, presumably as a
prototype. It is thus obvious that men represent an experiment, rather than the crowning
achievement of creation.

 4. Men are overly prone to violence.  They are responsible for the vast majority of crime in our
country, especially violent crime. Thus they would be poor role models, as well as being
dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

 5. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus his lack of
faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinate position that all men should
take. The story also illustrates the natural tendency of all men to be either unwilling or unable to
take a stand.  From the Garden of Gethsemane to football locker rooms, men still have this habit
of buckling under the weight of the lowest common denominator. It is expected that even
ordained men would still embarrass themselves with their natural tendency toward a pack
mentality.

 6. Jesus didn't ordain men. He didn't ordain any women either, but two wrongs don't make a
right.

 7. If men got ordained, then they wouldn't be satisfied with that; they'd want more and more
power. Next thing most of the Conference leaders would be men and then where would we be? 
No. The line must be drawn clearly now before it's too late.

 8. Many, if not most, men who seek to be ordained have been influenced by the radical "men's
movement" (or "masculist movement").  How can they be good leaders if their loyalties are
divided between leading a church and championing the masculist drive for men's rights? The tract
writers haven't pronounced on it yet, but the masculist movement is probably profoundly un-
Christian.

 9. To be an ordained pastor is to nurture and strengthen a whole congregation.  But these are not
traditional male roles.  Rather, throughout the history of Christianity, women have been
considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently
attracted to it. Women, the myth goes, are fulfilled and completed only by their service to others. 
This makes them the obvious choice for ordination. But if men try to fit into this nurturing role,
our young people might grow up with Role Confusion Syndrome, which could lead to such
terrible traumas as the Questioning Tradition Syndrome. 

 10. Men can still be involved in Church activities, without having to be ordained. They can still
take up the offering, shovel the sidewalk, and maybe even lead the singing on Father's Day. In
other words, by confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally
important in the life of the Church. Why should they feel left out?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 03/09/98
[from Rodney, via UGA Humor List]

Hubble's photographs of distant galaxies indicate galaxies are colliding.  Of course, astronomers
have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved
resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to
the scene...
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

"Do you believe in life after death?"  the boss asked one of his employees.   

"Yes, Sir."  the new recruit replied.   

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.  "After you left early yesterday to
go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Frank Morris, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

ABOUT MY BOSS...

If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks
he's God.

Someone should tell him the difference between pulling his weight and
throwing it around.

He likes well informed individuals as employees:  those whose views
coincide with his own.

At least his employees don't have to fear automation:  machines can't
listen and nod agreement.

When he brags he's a "Self-made Man," you can't help but wonder who
interrupted him.

But there's a up side to being a "Self-made Man:"  just accept this as
an apology and let it go at that.

Lots of people have success go to their heads -- but his went to his
mouth as well.

I mean this guy is so egotistical:  he even signs his name to anonymous
letters.

I wish he had to pay taxes on what he thinks he's worth:  the National
Debt would all but disappear.

He's always singing his own praises:  odd though, it's an unaccompanied
solo.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 03/10/98
[from Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/rel.htm ]

Jesus and Moses bump into each other in Heaven. They're very solicitous about
complimenting each other.

Moses: "Jesus, you had some truly great miracles back on Earth. I really loved that trick of
feeding the masses by multiplying the bread and fishes."

Jesus: "No, you had the more spectacular ones. All those plagues! They were very
impressive."

Moses: "No, no. When you turned water into wine...that really wowed them. I wish I had
done that."

Jesus: "Well, what about parting the Red Sea. That got everyone's attention. I wish I had seen the
Pharoah's face when you did that. And coming back down the mountain with those
Commandments. I could go on and on."

Moses: "But if I could have walked on water like you did I wouldn't have had to part the
Red Sea."

Jesus looks a little despondent.

Jesus: "Oh, I wish you hadn't mentioned that one. I've tried to do it again and have been
unsuccessful."

Moses looks down thoughtfully and replies, "I see...must be the holes in your feet."
+--------------------------------------+
[By Stan Kegel]

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be
retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils,
locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of
this overwealming evidence of God's intensions, Pharoah refused to let
the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children
was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes.
Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave
slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the
Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would refuse to
release the Jews ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of
research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse,
to find the definative answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years
studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once
found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 03/11/98
[from Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/gro.htm ]

Once upon a time, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went
to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that
would turn the witch into a statue. The townspeople managed to put the potion in the
witch's food. When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late
and the potion worked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration and
parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made her a
perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and even
today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his
time, it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his left
wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle. 

After victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the
rag around Alexander The Great's wrist under the heat of the sun changed
colors every hour thus providing an estimate of the correct time.
According to most historians, from that day on, Macedonaian warriors
wore cloth treated with blood on their left forearms when going into
battle, thus, providing, Alexander's troops with the world's first wrist
watches. ... 

And so they called it, "Alexander's Rag Timeband!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were
attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night,
Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their
way out of the east gate. 

They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As
the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch
us?" 

The German replied,"It's very simple, I can always tell .....
when Irish spies are filing."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 03/12/98
[from Bill's Punch Line]

During a recent visit to the United States,  Bishop Tutu
of South Africa visited some relatives in Tennessee.

Until then, nobody knew that he was a Chattanooga Tutu.
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

During Israel's early years, the Pope paid a visit to the Galilee area and 
was photographed talking with a high Israeli official.  When the photo was
published in the Israeli papers, two friends were talking about the event 
and the picture in the paper.  "Which one is the Pope?" asked one of the 
Israelis.

"He's the one with the yarmulke," said the other.
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Some Jews and Moslems are killed in a bus accident and go to heaven.  St Peter
tells the Moslems that they need to walk down the hall and go into the 3rd
door on the right, and instructs the Jews to enter the 3rd door on the left,
but both had to SWEAR to be REALLY quiet as they pass the 1st door on the
left.  So, everyone begins to walk down the hall, except this old Jewish man
Ira, "Vat?  Why do we have to quiet as we pass the 1st door???" he shouted to
which St Peter replied, "Shhh!  The Christians think they're the only ones up
here!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Entrance to Heaven


A woman knocked on the pearly gates,
Her face was scarred and old,
She trembled and she shook with fear,
She was just about to fold.

"What have you done...", St. Peter asked,
"...to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal AOL user sir,..."
"...for many and many a year."

The pearly gate swung open wide,
St. Peter rung the bell,
"COME IN AND CHOOSE YOUR HARP,..." he said
"...you've had your share of hell.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 03/13/98
[from Linda E. Barbour]

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the
first place.  "I was just stupid," I teased.  When he said he was happy
to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he
said.  "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
+--------------------------------------+
Lou Erste found a computer anagrammer at:
http://www.genius2000.com/anagram.html

which produced a LONG list of anagrams for "Teresa Carrigan".  Two of them are:

     Rare grace saint.
     Ace rearing star.

Hmmmm - am I supposed to try to live up to that?  Or does it mean that a person would have to
be really mixed up to confuse me with either of those?????
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Birrell Walsh, on Rehu]

Remember the old parlor game "Telephone"?  Here are the results of using the computer
translator at:
http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com/cgi-bin/translate?

Original:
"Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip.
That started out from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship."

After being translated into French, back to English, into German, back to English, into Italian,
back to English, Portuguese, English, Spanish, and finally into English one last time - we get:

"Of the rest the piece and the buttock that you feels like to something
a history, a history of a prophetic course. This one external one
began, that one that it eliminates of this tropical furrow, on the
brink of madness this small boat."
+--------------------------------------+
Teresa went to the same place, trying "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

ONE translation, to Spanish and back again, became:
"The alcohol is arranged but the meat is weak."

Too bad Babelfish doesn't do Russian.  I bet it would end up something like:
"The meat is spoiled, but the vodka's pretty good."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 03/14/98
[from Barbara, on Rehu]

"Help me Lord, no one shops here and my inventory pileth up unused."

God replies,"Thou shalt put an alligator on the shirt, and thy business will grow and multiply."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

KEEPING KOSHER

     A dialogue with G-d while Moses is at the top of Sinai....

    G:        And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a  calf in its mother's
milk. It is cruel.

    Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

    G:         No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

    Moses:  Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is   we  should wait six
hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are   not in our stomachs.

    G:          No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!

    Moses:   Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What   you  mean is we
should have a separate set of dishes for milk  and a  separate set for meat and if we make a
mistake we have  to  bury  that  dish outside....

    G:           Ah, do whatever you want........
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

A few Kosher symbols you may have overlooked... 
    
K.O.        -- Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation 
    
DANNY K     -- Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians
    
K SERA SERA -- Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism.

K MART      -- Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to discount their normal fees and
make money through volume.

YUD K, VOV K -- Under Divine Supervision

I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY -- Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 03/15/98
[from LESLIE LORENSON, via EcuLaugh]

Found the following 'Gadgets for God' listed on the *Ship of Fools*
homepage.  Enjoy.

Non-Alcoholic Communion Wine--
The perfect gift for clergypersons who drive from one service to another on
Sundays and who are obliged; by Church Law, no less; to drain the chalice
at each service. This new, fruity, non-alcoholic bouquet prevents the
hapless cleric from reaching each service BOA (bladdered on arrival), while
retaining a flavour close to the real thing. However, we should warn you
that this 'new wine' is proving controversial.  Apparently, four out of
five Anglican ministers *can* tell the difference; and a Campaign for Real
Communion Wine is, we're told, recruiting members fast.

Digital Hymn Player--
Get rid of troublesome organist problems and get your church on  song for
the 21st century with the Digital Hymn Player. Undoubtedly  the
technological innovation of the 1990s, this ecclesiastical  karaoke player
is briefcase-friendly and keyboard-free. At the touch of a remote control
button, Digital Hymn Player instantly launches into any one of 3000 hymns
stored inside on a miracle microchip.  Special features include an optional
'Amen' button to bring each rendition to a fitting close. An extra button
for Toronto-style barking is reportedly in the pipeline.

Praise Workout Video--
Prepare yourself to 'slim for Him' with a workout 'that strengthens the
heart and soul'. This American video (a unique combination of lycra and
liturgy) will help you trim off the pounds and turn you into a firm
believer.The 75-minute workout is accompanied by driving reggae, dance and
techno tracks, followed by a cool-down segment with gentle versions of such
favourites as 'A King is Born', 'We Shall be Satisfied', and most
appropriately of all, 'The Lord is Not Slack'. Neither will you be by the
end of it all.

Repent! Wristwatch--
Our Mormon brethren are, as ever, leading the way with this tastefully
designed item of youth writswear.  Produced by Latter-Day Specialities, the
'Repent: Tough on Sins' timepiece serves as a constant reminder of an
oft-neglected biblical truth: that whatever time it is, *it is always time
to repent*. This point is reinforced by the fact that the watch appears to
have no hands. Only $38, available in screamingly large size only.

The Jesus Doll--
Who's gonna tell Barbie to 'go and sin no more'? Who's gonna say to Ken,
'Leave your ski gear, and come, follow me'? The Jesus Doll, that's who!
Standing a full 25 inches tall, this cuddly icon, made in Ohio, is the
latest new tool for Christian ministry. If your aged aunt is sick in
hospital, or your husband's going on a long business trip, give them the
Jesus Doll. It not only bears an uncanny resemblance to our Lord, but also
behaves just like him: 'It is incredibly huggable,' says the manufacturer.
'And it gives and takes loving, meaningful hugs whenever they are needed!'

The Talking Tombstone--
The ultimate stocking chiller! This State-side (oh, really?) invention
features a standard stone memorial with the bizarre addition of a built-in
speaker. A recorded announcement is triggered by invisible beam, so that
every time a visitor comes near the grave a metallic voice declares from
the headstone:
    'Hi! I was Jane Smith.
    I died at 10.15am, Thursday, November 25th 1994.
    Thanks for coming to see me.
    Have a nice day.'
Shown above is the version with added video, which displays pages of text,
photographs, family trees and all the other things you'd just love to
browse through while sitting on your loved-one's grave. The price for this
tasteful granite-and-bronze memorial? Just $4995.00 (batteries included).<<
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 03/16/98
[from Andy Raush, via EcuLaugh]

 Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
 swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
 Christian.

 Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
 patrolled the area. Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin
 said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was 
 a shark  - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
 As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of
 lightening hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark.

 Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old
 mate.  Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
 becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away
 whenever  he came close to them, Justin hardly realising that his new 
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightening
 force could change him back into a prawn. Lightening never strikes
 twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a
 prawn again, a flash of lightening strikes the water next to Justin and lo
 and  behold, he turns back into a prawn.

 With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims back to his
 friends and buys them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at 
 the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

 "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the 
enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

 Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
 he sets off to Christians house. As he opens the coral gate, the
 memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me. 
Justin - your old friend. Come out and see me again"

 Christian replies, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the
 enemy.  I will not be tricked".

 Justin cries back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......

 (drum roll please)

 I'm  a prawn again Christian...!!!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 03/17/98
[from Stan Kegel]

Anaheim Mighty Duck superstar, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father
see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father
visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion, his good
friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renouned
local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders
Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne's favorite Finnish
dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney
and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked
up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The Orange County
Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of
.... the father, the son and the goalie host.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Leo Archer, via rec.humor ]

AND IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED IRELAND

God disappears for about a week and the angels are sent out to look for
him.  Finally, Micheal, the Arc-Angel, finds God.  "Lord where have you
been?"  God replies, "I've been away on a special project."  Pointing to
the heavens He says, "I've just made a new planet called Earth.  It is
beautiful and lush and everything will be in balance on it."

Micheal gasps in astonishment and says, "Wow, but what do you mean about
balance?"  God responds, "Well, look, I've made a continent, America,
where the northern part is rich and the southern part is poor, and the
area in between is going to be a hot-spot.  Then I've made another
landmass where the people in the north are white and the people in the
south are black.  One thing to balance the other."  Micheal was in awe,
but says, "what about that little green spot, what's that?"  God smiles
and says, "Ah, that's the Emerald Isle, the Jewel in my Crown.  It will
be green and lush with beauty beyond compare.  It will be inhabited with
charming, friendly people, people of great humor and wit.  And they
shall be artisans, playwrights, poets and singers and they shall
entertain the world.  And I shall give them a black nectar which people
from all over the world will come to love.  And the whole world will
want to flock there to experience their warmth."  Micheal is overcome
with awe but then he stops and his brow becomes strained.  God says,
"What's wrong my child?"

Micheal then says, "Lord, you said there would be balance in all things,
but there's no balance there?!"

And God replies with a big smile, "Ah yes, but just wait till you see
the neighbours I am going to give them!!!!!!!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 03/18/98
[from http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/7499/ ]

When I was a little boy, my family did not have a lot of money. My father had a reasonably well
paying job, but with four kids and a dog, money was often tight. This is not to say that we were
deprived or unhappy. Our family did many activities together, but our favorite was camping,
which we did year-round, blazing heat or freezing cold. 

It was a great site to see the whole clan scrambling to get everything together for a weekend trip.
The whole family then piled into our Chevy stationwagon with a dog bigger than the three
smallest children put together. Dad would then tie down our trusty tent to the top of the Chevy
and off we would go. 

Our tent was amazing in and of itself. It was an army surplus tent large enough for the whole
family plus dog. It had survived though rain storms, snow storms, wind storms. It had twice been
uprooted from its stakes in high winds. (Makes me wonder why we went camping in so much
terrible weather.) It had blown off the Chevy a couple of times, but it had always survived. At
least it survived with mother's help at the sewing machine. It had patches over patches but
it was still our faithful camping tent. 

But alas, canvas can only last so long, so after about ten years of steady service, my Dad admitted
one summer that our tent was no longer useable. We didn't go camping at all the following fall.
The only thing that kept us kids controllable was that Dad promised we would get a new tent
at Christmas, and we could go camping all winter. 

So Mom and Dad went on a savings program to get the money for our new tent. They even got
us kids to pitch in a little. Money was tight, but the savings accumulated, and we all had visions of
a great winter outdoors. That is, until disaster struck in late November, and my little bother
Johnny broke his arm. Dad hadn't counted on an emergency, and the hospital and doctor bills
completely depleted our tent saving. We were all downcast at the prospect of no winter camping.
Even I was almost sorry I pushed Johnny off the roof. 

So as Christmas approached, we were all pretty glum. There weren't as many presents around the
tree as usual, because the extra money had gone into my bother's arm. Finally, Christmas Eve was
here, and our month long depression was lifted a little, because we could open our presents. Dad
had to work, but he was late, and hadn't called. Mother began to worry, and just before she called
the police, Dad drove up. We couldn't believe our eyes! There on top of the Chevy was a brand
new shiny tent, even larger than Old Faithful. 

Instantly, five voices started asking Dad question after question, so he ushered us all into the
living room, around the Christmas tree to tell us what happened. It seems that Dad had seen an
advertisement for a store called SURPLUS CITY. Last week he had gone by to see if they had
any tents that we could afford. There was one perfect tent (the only one, actually) for $60. So
Dad worked a little overtime and scrimped a little on his Christmas gifts and he scraped
together about $45. That night he had gone to SURPLUS CITY with his $45 and tried to get a
bargain on the tent. He had managed to bargain the manger down to $50 for the tent, but
from there the manager wouldn't budge. There was no credit or lay-away at SURPLUS CITY,
either, just cold hard cash. 

So Dad went back out to the car, and thought about how hard it would be to come home empty
handed. In a flash of inspiration, he got the spare tire from the car and went back in. He asked the
manager if he would take the spare tire for $5 so he could buy the tent. With that act of
desperation, the managers heart softened. What with it being Christmas and all, and my father
being so intent on getting the tent, and stopping in several times over the past week, he let Dad
have the tent for $40. 

When Dad finished telling this story, we all cheered and hollered and generally made fools of
ourselves. That was the happiest Christmas I have ever had. And that was the best winter of
camping we ever had too, in THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENT. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 03/19/98

[from Al Myers]

When the great detective Sherlock Holmes arrived in heaven, St. Peter
said to him:  "Can you help us solve a mystery?  You see, Adam and Eve
have been missing for the past several thousand years.  Can you find
them for us?"

Holmes began his investigation, and after several days he returned and
told St. Peter:  "You will find Adam and Eve over there beyond the
gate."  He pointed them out.

"How did you find them? St. Peter asked.

"Elementary, my dear St. Peter," Holmes replied.  "They are the only two
up here who have no navels."

  [ - borrowed from the newsletter of Trinity Lutheran Church,
Jeromesville, Ohio, winter, 1998]
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Mica, via UGA Humor List]

A college drama group presented a play during which one character stands on a trapdoor and
announces, "I descend into hell!"  A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.

The play was well received.

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his
place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!", the stagehand pulled the rope and
the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging on the rope
could make him descend.

One student in the balcony yelled:  "Hallelujah!  Hell is full!!!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Cyn MacG, via UGA Humor List]

This is a supposedly true story whose authenticity I cannot
personally vouch for.

A college student was in a philosophy class, where was a class
discussion about wether or not God exists.  The professor had the
following logic:  "Has anyone in this class heard God?"  Nobody
spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. 
"Has anyone in this class seen God?"  When nobody spoke for the third
time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for
permission to speak.  The professor granted it, and the student
stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:  "Has
anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?"  Silence.  "Has
anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"  Absolute
silence.  "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" 
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our
professor has no brain!" The student received an "A" in the class. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 03/20/98
[from Nick's Humor List at nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net ]

* FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE *
=======================
  from R R Neuswanger <rrne@loc.gov>  & Adam the Smile Guy <Adam@smilezone.com>

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself
last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular
cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer
compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out
with a kitchen knife.

ICE CREAM
If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw
BOTH out.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate
outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without
Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Very
carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.

WINE
Should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your
refrigerator to gauge this.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 03/21/98
[forwarded by Moatman, on Rehu]

New from New Age Jewish Press!!

(Adar 14 publication date)

**Dvorah the Druid: A New Interpretation of Classical Texts based on
Documents found at Stonehenge

**Uprooted at Sinai: The Untold Story of the Marrano Plants of the Amazon
Rain Forest

**A Collectors Guide to Amulets (Sephardic and west Coast editions
available)

**Kabbalah for Dummies: A Guide for the Rest of Us!

**The Messiah Next Time by Michael Lerner

**The Post Jewish Renewal Siddur . 54th edition -no prayer left
unchanged, includes:
- kaddish in ebonics
-Mvarchim haetz prayer for welcoming a new tree into the family
-Excorcism ceremony for the politically incorrect
(ritual includes black candles and cream cheese as taught by the
Philadelphia Rebbe)
-transcendental Aliyot (includes instructions for levitation)

**Halachic Issues for the New Age, edited by Dina Scully and Simcha Muldar
includes:
- Does one perform a pidyon haben for the first born child of a alien
father and a bat-Cohen mother?
- Can a deceased Levite receive the second Aliyah? (only if the medium is
a Levite)
- Channeling on shabbat--How far can one go in a seventh day out of the
body experience? includes newly written tshuvot of the Chofetz Chaim,
Elisha ben Abuya and Mordecai Kaplan.

And New on CD or Tape!!!

**Yismach Yasser: Arafat sings Carlbach

**Erotic Chazanut of the 16th Century: Performed by Bette Midler and the
Bnai Brak Boys Choir

TO ORDER: CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TAP YOUR HEELS THREE TIMES AND....
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 03/22/98
[from Swedie, on Rehu]

My little nephew came to church for a family baptism. My sister brought him
to communion with her. Seeing the rail and the kneelers, he said (quiqte
loudly), "I'll just stay here on the porch."

Another little nephew, when accompanying my sister to communion for the
first time, asked loudly, "Can I have another cookie?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Michael Dimond, on Rehu]

Children and Communion

Of all the rituals and colorful ceremonies that children see performed in
church, perhaps the most misunderstood of all is the sacrament of
Communion.  Seeing the bread and wine (or grape juice) used in this rite,
children often think that refreshments are being served.

A boy of three was intrigued by the Communion rite and watched every move
of the priest until he finished by wiping the chalice.  Then the boy
turned
to his mother and said, "He's doing dishes, Mom. . .now can we go home?"

After doing her best to explain the ceremony to her daughter, a young
mother went to the Communion rail.  As she returned, the girl asked,
"When
will it be my turn to eat lunch with God?"

While visiting his aunt in Columbus, Mississippi, a second-grader
attended
the local Methodist Church with her.  After they knelt at the altar and
patook of the Communion bread and wine, the boy asked, "Aunt Audrey, is
that all we'll have to eat up in Heaven?"

Another woman brought her grandson along for Episcopal service.  The boy
watched as the priest at the altar prepared Communion and said, "Look
Grandma. . .God is making Kool-Aid."

When his father returned and knelt in prayer after receiving the Blessed
Host, a 14 year old asked, "They got any chocolate ones up there?"

A boy overheard his parents talking about going to the Lord's Supper and
told his brother, "I hope we have chicken!"

The last word on Communion comes from a foour year old Catholic boy who
told his dad what had happened in church that day: "The Father called on
some of the people to come down front, and he gave them each an Alka
Seltzer!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 03/23/98
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
+--------------------------------------+
God, grant me the serenity 
To accept a post I cannot change, 
Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I'm running late for work, 
And the wisdom to know the difference between "come to bed now"  meaning "lets have some
fun" and "come to bed NOW" meaning that computer has got to go!!
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Dilbert Newsletter]

This tech support tip is based on a true story:

Problem:   My keyboard is missing all its keys!

Solution:  Turn it over.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN.......

A Computer Was Something On Tv
  From A Science Fiction Show
A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean....
And Ram Was The Cousin Of A Goat.....

Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was Your Thumb Upright
Now They All Mean Different Things
And That Mega Bytes

An Application Was For Employment
A Program Was A Tv Show
A Cursor Used Profanity
A Keyboard Was A Piano
 
Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage
Not Something You Did To A File
And If You Unzipped Anything In Public
You'd Be In Jail For A While

Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire
Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road
A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived
And A Backup Happened To Your Commode

Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife
Paste You Did With Glue
A Web Was A Spider's Home
And A Virus Was The Flu

I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Paper
And The Memory In My Head
I Hear Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash
But, When It Happens They Wish They Were Dead
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 03/24/98
[forwarded by GrannyNanny]

HONEST Hymns
   * I Surrender Some
   * There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
   * Fill My Spoon, Lord
   * Oh, How I Like Jesus
   * He's Quite a Bit to Me
   * I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
   * Take My Life and Let Me Be
   * It is My Secret What God Can Do
   * There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
   * Onward, Christian Reserves
   * Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
   * Just As I Pretend to Be
   * When the Saints Go Sneaking In
+--------------------------------------+
[from STEVEN RP WESTON, via EcuLaugh]

More Hymns, the way we'd sing them if we were honest:

   Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
   A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
   Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
   Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
   Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
   Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
   Special, Special, Special
   Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
   Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow
   My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
   O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
   I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
   Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
   All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
   When Peace, Like a Trickle
   I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
   We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
   What an Acquaintence We Have in Jesus
   My Faith Looks Around for Thee
   Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
   Blessed Hunch
   Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
   We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
   Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere Near Me
   Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 03/25/98
[from alt.religion.wicca, via Laren]


Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the old
ways spreading into every corner of America, can it be too long before
EVERY segment of American society is represented in the Pagan
community? Will we someday see REDNECK PAGANS???

Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a redneck Pagan...

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and
"Sweet Cheeks".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood
"Walk Of Fame".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View
wrestling on TV...
You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your children and your dog have the same magical name (Skeeter! Get on
over here and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
You may be a redneck Pagan!

If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900
number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy
500....
You're probably a redneck Pagan!

Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,
Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon
flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket...
You're probably a redneck Pagan.

If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
You might be.........

Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT
neccesarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks,
well......

Now if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a
confederate flag and leg-wrestling...

If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and
tickets to the superbowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a redneck Pagan!

If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's",
or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definately a redneck Pagan!

And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you
raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock......
                                        ...AND FAILED....
You are definately a Redneck Pagan!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 03/26/98
[from http://www.theonion.com/onion3311/microsoftpatents.html ]

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary
step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by
competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero
Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks
of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per
digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its
inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the
overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered
use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace
conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now
leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and
Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic
and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would
bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a
platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a
string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott
McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many
Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every
day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to
convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious
doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling
pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically
revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a
crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose
communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing
fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based
message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new
steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that
ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally
ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit
cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as
'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself
in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by
Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck;
and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness.
Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the
Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in
the world."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 03/27/98
[from Paula & Harvey Fader]

Congregation Ahavas Nashim V'kesef

During the past holiday season, many individuals expressed concern
over seating arrangements in the shul. In order for us to place you
in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the
following questionnaire and return it to the shul office as soon as
possible.
 
   I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone so we can discuss the
   following topics:
     --stock market
     --sports
     --fashion news
     --general gossip
     --my neighbors
     --my relatives
     --the rabbi
     --the chazan
     --the gabbai
     --(other)______________________________
  
    I wish to be seated in a seat where:
     --I can see my spouse over the mechitza
     --I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
     --I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
     --My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse
          over the mechitza
     --No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
     --I can sleep during services
     --I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (additional charges)
   
     I wish to be located next to the following so that I may obtain
free professional advice:
     --Lawyer
     --Doctor
     --Chiropractor
     --Accountant
     --Stockbroker
     --Real estate agent
     --Dentist
     --(other)_________________
    
   Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
  
     __________________________
   
     __________________________
   
     __________________________
   
     __________________________
   
  
    
    Your name ______________________________________
  
    Phone number_____________________
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 03/28/98
[from Nathan D. Richards, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THE PARENTING TEST

"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a
test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?  A test is needed.  And
not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of
vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who
walks 4.3 miles a day?'  No, this test will ask the REAL questions.  Are
you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the
90s?  Get those number two pencils ready.  And let's keep our eyes on
our own papers, people.

THE PARENTING TEST

Section One -- Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is used
per parent per week.  (2 points per question)

 1]  I don't care what the other kids get to do.
 2]  ... and this time I really mean it.
 3]  Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
 4]  See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
 5]  Now we're REALLY going to be late.
 6]  One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
 7]  Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
 8]  Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
 9]  Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10]  Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two -- Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank.  (3 points per question)

 1]  Tickle Me ____________.
 2]  101 _________________.
 3]  The Berenstain _________.
 4]  Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
 5]  _______________ Nuggets.
 6]  _______________ Meals.
 7]  Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three -- Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition.  (4 points per
question).

 1]  Amoxicillin
 2]  Legos
 3]  Pull-Ups
 4]  Push-Ups
 5]  Tubes
******
 A]  Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of
     carpeting.
 B]  Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters,
     but since adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants
     OR that which is placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
 C]  A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's
     diet.
 D]  A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
 E]  A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be
     necessary for a few more weeks.

Section Four -- Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem.  (5 points per question)

 1]  It is 8:50 a.m.  School starts at 9 a.m.  Where are your car
     keys?
 2]  She says that he started it.  He says she started it.  Who's
     right?
 3]  You are attempting to go to the post office with two very
     large packages, two very small children, zero very close
     parking places, and one frazzled parent.  How will you
     accomplish this?
 4]  At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts
     with Carl, and soccer with Susie.  Without any King Soloman
     maneuvers, how will this be done?

Section Five -- Essay

Answer the question and defend your choice.  (19 points)

Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting?

Vacuum cleaners      'Velcro'      or the VCR
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 03/29/98
[an excerpt of a much longer (and offensive in places) joke, available at
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/5655/r0398/0323-3.html ]

THE ROMAN CATHOLIC GEEK CODE Version 1.0 beta 1 [excerpt only]

Created and compiled February 1998 by Brenda Daverin 
(bdaverin@best.com) with help and contributions from DFRAYNE@aol.com 
(name unknown), Walter Snyder, Teresa Carrigan, Barbara Scheele, and 
Donna Willinski. Many thanks to them and the denizens of REHU-L 
for letting us do this in front of their faces.

May be freely distributed if credits are kept intact.

M: Mass Attendance
  The core item of conduct in the life of any Roman Catholic. How
  often do you go?
   M----   I was baptized and that's it.
   M---    I only show up for weddings and funerals.
   M--     I'll still show up for the occasional Midnight Mass.
   M-      Christmas and Easter Catholic.
   M       At least once a month, especially if a Holy Day falls on
           Sunday.
   M+      I make Sundays regularly, and most of the Holy Days.
   M++     I make every Holy Day of Obligation *and* Good Friday. 
   M+++    I go on weekdays. 
   M++++   I've taken Holy Orders. 
   M?      I don't know when Mass is. 
   M!      I can't go to Mass; I can't reach a parish. 
   @M      I'm a shut-in; Mass comes to me. 
   *M      I'm an altar server/choir member/usher. 
   **M     I'm a deacon/choir director/organist.

In-Mass Participation
  While you're there, how much do you participate?

Si: Music/Singing
   Si-----  I don't even take the hymnal out.
   Si----   I hold the hymnal, but keep my mouth SHUT.
   Si---    Tantum ergo makes your hair grow...
   Si--     I sing sometimes, very quietly.
   Si-      I try to sing the songs I like and lip-synch the rest. 
   Si       I try to sing all of the songs whether I know them or 
            not. 
   Si+      I know all of the songs. 
   Si++     I'm a choir member. 
   Si+++    I'm a cantor/organist/musician. 
   Si++++   I'm the choir director.
   Si+++++  I wrote some of the songs printed in the hymnal. 
   !Si      I took a vow of silence.

CR: Congregation Response
   CR-----  What's all this stand up/sit down/kneel business anyway?
            This is a Mass, not a health club!
   CR----   I follow what the guy in front of me does, about 3 beats
            behind.
   CR---    I try to mumble the responses so it looks like I know what
            I'm doing
   CR--     I know most of the responses, but half the time I don't
            bother to recite them.
   CR-      I try to do all the responses, but I need the missalette.
   CR       I know all the responses, and usually manage to catch the
            cues.
   CR+      I respond about one beat AHEAD of everybody else.
   CR++     I can tell when the priest screws it up.
   CR+++    I'm a liturgical minister.
   CR++++   I'm several different KINDS of liturgical minister - often
            in the same Mass!
   CR+++++  I'm ordained.
   *CR      I *write* the liturgies.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 03/30/98
[from Ggbellstx ]

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own
hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following
letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I
understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
+--------------------------------------+
[taken from "Pulpit Helps", 3/94]

MUSINGS OF A COUNTRY PREACHER

  Attendance at worship last Sunday was a mite poorly.  I don't reckon I
ought to grumble, because I had a bunch of sick members; and when you add to
that all of my shut-ins, we don't have a site of pew fillers.  So, I went
ahead and preached to what I had.  Only thing was the echo in the near empty
church building hurt my ears.

  My wife said I needed to get out, ride awhile and let the fresh air clear
my head.  It made me feel real good inside.  What I saw made me rejoice; I
saw miracle after miracle!

  Old Hezekiah who had been deathly sick that morning was roused up and
riding down the highway with his fishing poles.  Nothing but a miracle could
have rescued Hezekiah from the jaws of death in such a short time.

  Now there's Rufe's brother.  Rufe told me Sunday morning his brother's
back was in such foul shape they were afraid that an operation was gonna be
necessary.  Well, we remembered him in our prayer, and lo and behold at two
o'clock there he was at the driving range hitting golf balls.  If that
wasn't quick recovery then I don't know what is.

  All told, about 20 of my sick folks had roused up and was taking
nourishment in some form or other.  But what made me really happy was to see
so many of my shut-ins out riding around and enjoying the world.

  Hezekiah's pa, who don't attend worship "cause he can't stand crowds," was
headed for the baseball game.  Sister Nell's mama, who can't come on account
of her kidneys, stood in line for two hours to get into the picture show.
Yes, sir, it sure thrilled my heart to see what I saw!

  I ought to have a packed house next Sunday with all my sick folks being
healed and my shut-ins set free. I just hope they don't overdo themselves
and have a relapse before next Sunday.

  I gotta go now and play with my smallest young 'un.  He is gonna be a
farmer, and I'm gonna be the goat.  Tin cans will be easy to eat after what
I have swallowed!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 03/31/98
[from JD Stone, via UGA Humor List]

To: All Internet Users
From: Kim Dereksen
      Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
      Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Subject:  Internet Cleaning

PLEASE PASS THIS NOTICE TO OTHER USERS WHO MAY NOT SEE IT!

As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow us to clean it.  The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows
for a better-working and faster internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.
GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2.  During that
24-hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual
internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the
world will search the internet and delete any data that they
find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that
you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
   internet connections.

2. Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the
   internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
   internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any
   way.

5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster
   ovens near your computer modem.

6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments
   because of the possibility of electrical discharge.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet
users, and we apologize.  However, we are certain that any
inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased speed and
efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic
flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others:  Since the last internet cleaning, the number
of internet users has grown dramatically.  Please assist us in
alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting
this message where your users will be able to read it.  Please
pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well.
Thank you.
+--------------------------------------+
