HUMOR 9804 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 04/01/98
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s. 
          The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
        "Hello?"
        "Hello, is this KGB?"
        "Yes. What do you want?"
        "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of
the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
        "This will be noted."
         Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood,
find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.  
        The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
        "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
        "Yes."
        "Did they chop your firewood?"
        "Yes, they did."
        "Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
+--------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

'Internet Cleaning Announcement' was a joke. It reminded Craig Jones of

  " .. an incident from many years ago when B.C. Tel (British Columbia
   Telephone) perpetuated a little fraud by letting it be known that
   on the morning of April 1st (the date should have given it away)
   they were going to blow high pressure air through the province's
   phone lines to blow out the accumulated dust.

   Subscribers were encouraged to place their phones in plastic or
   paper bags between the hours of 10:00 and 10:15 in the morning.
   They were also warned that sometimes high pressure air cleaning can
   cause the bell to vibrate -- in other words ring -- but that if
   someone was careless enough to answer the ring they were likely to
   get a mouth and earful of telephone line dust.

   So ... on the date in question hundreds of thousands, perhaps
   millions of people, dared not touch their phones between the
   appointed times. I know the scam was widespread in the lower
   mainland -- mostly Vancouver and Victoria -- but I don't know how
   far inland the deception spread. In any event it was a good gag.
   Today, of course, it would inspire lawsuits."

Naturally this reminds me of the kids prank of calling people on the
phone and telling them you are from the phone company and someone is
working on the telephone line. Please don't answer the phone for 20
minutes.  Then the person is called back, a short while later..and
often unable to resist the temptation of the ringing phone answers it 
and hears an ear piercing scream of AHHHH (from the kid pretending to
be electrocuted)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 04/02/98
Why did Jesus wait until he was 30 to begin his ministry?

Well, after the trip to Jerusalem when he was 12, his parents grounded him for 18 years.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

It seems when the pope visited Havana, someone at the Vatican made a mistake.  There weren't
enough service books printed. 

I guess you could call it the CUBAN MISSAL CRISIS!
+--------------------------------------+
[from dogbyte@netzone.com ]

TOP WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT
 IF IT WERE WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS

 12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.

 11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

 10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and
     written in a large font.

 9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

 8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

 7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes
    Paul's E-Mail To: abuse@romans.gov

 6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

 5. The place where the end of the world occurs:
    Finals, not Armageddon.

 4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

 3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
    They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

 2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
    seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was
    due and then pulled an all-nighter.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 04/03/98
[from Maria Rocco.  Written by the late Lewis Grizzard, from "Shoot Low, Boys, They're
Riding Shetland Ponies"]

O Lord, hear my anxious plea.
Algebra is killing me. 
I know not of "x" or "y,"
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me at this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot,
Just help me find one square root.

Latin and Grammar are also trouble.
Guide me through this daily double.
And, Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in Chemstry.

Lord, why am I such a dope in school?
My teachers think I'm such a fool.
One said, "Son, you're a horried flop
You bent the saw and failed at shop."
My days in class are filled with remorse.
I can't even pass the easiest course.
I hunkered down and bowed my neck, 
But I burnt the cake and flagged Home Ec.

In English Lit, I studied hard
And read all the words of the Bard.
But my mind is like a hateful Judas.
It couldn't recall, "Et tu, Brutus?"

Lord, will there ever be
A tougher subject than History?
Into the past I steadfastly delve, 
From Plymouth Rock to 1812.
I learn of all those patriotic folk, 
From John Q. Adams to James K. Polk.
But test time comes and I fall on my tail.
Was it Patrick Henry or Nathan Hale?

Lord, must I offer an apology
For three times failing Biology?
Why is it I'm in such a fog
Concerning the innards of a frog?
I push and strive and strain and grope
To come to terms with the microscope.
Lord, please forgive my derision, 
But who gives a hoot for cellular division?

Lord, I wish that I could vanish
When the teacher calls on me in Spanish.
And I promise, it's a cinch,
I'll never learn a word of French.

Down in gym I take P.E.
Calisthenics will be the death of me.
I have all the grace of a mop.
I made an "F" in side straddle hop.

Lord, is there anything I can't flub?
Will I ever be in Beta Club?
I have never found the key to knowledge,
And my folks want me to go to college.
Oh, such a thing I constantly dread.
I'd as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all this time.
If you will help, I'll give my all, 
And won't even chew gum in study hall.
Please lead me out of this constant coma,
And give me a chance at my diploma.
Let others fight for church and state.
I pray only to graduate.

Amen.

+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 04/04/98
[from CaliMan]

 Recently a support person, somebody who will remain unknown, deleted  all the files on a floppy
disk by accident.  In response to this  unfortunate incident his fellow co-workers put together this
helpful  guide.

Deleting Files From Disks 

I. File Deletion: Benefits
Deleting files can be considered a valuable tool for support personnel. Besides maximizing free
space on fixed and network drives, deletion can do the following:

Remove corrupt files
Remove viruses
Maximum defragmentation
Refreshing the file allocation table

II. Deletion Methodologies
There are several methods to use this powerful tool.

Type DEL *.* at the DOS prompt
Type DELTREE <directory name> at the DOS prompt (this even deletes
subdirectories - remember: deletion is all about maximizing!)
FORMAT <drive letter>. Use the /Q /U to QUICKLY remove files with no
chance of recovery (that's the U command).
File Manager can delete too. Use the SHIFT and / key. Push the DELETE
key to remove all files. If confirmations are turned on, you will be
asked if you want to delete the files. Always say YES. Be sure to
remove the confirmations when you complete this operation.
FDISK can maximize the free space on your hard drive. It even removes
the DOS system files. Users like to see this command used because it
can give them the most free disk space possible.
Remember that Novell network drives require you to type PURGE /A at
the DOS prompt. Novell is against free disk space, which is the main
reason it is losing market share dramatically.

III. Try it On the PC Next to Yours Now
File deletion is not dangerous like non-computer users will tell you.
It is a powerful ally in the hands of support personnel. The reasons
to use these commands and clear. People always need more space on disk
drives, and it is the duty of the support staff to provide timely and
applicable solutions.

Do not give any second thoughts to using any of the commands listed in
Section II.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 04/05/98
[from Greg Singleton, on Rehu]

In Defense of the Doctrine of Real Absence

The doctrine of Real Presence (best articulated, as we all know, in the Lutheran confessions)
implies--indeed demands--a reciprocal doctrine of Real Absence.  If there is no Real Absence,
there can be no Real Presence (except in some sort of neo-pagan, New Age, "God is in every
sneeze, and piece of debris, and fecal sample at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke-Hospital" meaning of
the term.  This insight is, of course, Melvillian.  Was it not Ishmael, after bundling up in the
covers and letting his nose stick out so one part of his body would *really* appreciate how warm
the rest of him was, who said, "Nothing is what it is except by reference to its opposite."

Wait a moment.  This is a phenomenological insight of major proportions. I must collect my
thoughts before I continue.

All right.

That's better.

We can begin, of course, by defining Real Absence as those places where Real Presence is not. 
Real Presence is *not* in most Presbyterian, all Baptist, and even some Druid Eucharists (I shan't
discuss the Methodists because they are into discipline and other kinky stuff, and this is a family
list).  Therefore, we must conclude that a true, valid and substative Real Absence is found in these
communions.

[SIDE NOTE: The Anglicans and Roman Catholics are problematic.  The Anglicans put on a
good show, and recite the right words in rote order, but they have only the wishy-washy mists of
the 39 Articles rather than the solid truths of the Book of Concord to guide them.  (BTW, I want
to make it clear that the Book of Concord is *not* a defense of using grape juice in the
sacrament.) The Romans have a doctrine of Real Presence of course, but weren't satisfied to let
well enough alone.  The more reactionary still insist that somewhere among those wafers is a knee
cap.  The Anglican doctrine we shall designate as Vague Presence, with the reciprocal doctrine of
Vague Absence.  The Roman doctrine we will designate as Carnal Presence--hence, of course,
Carnal Absence, which also can be applied to celibacy and monastic vows.] 

But I digress--There are other forms of Real Absence.  Where only one is gathered, Christ is
*not* there.  That seems a pretty straightforward extrapolation from scripture.  The one
exception to this rule of Absence is if the person has just communed, and then rushes to isolation. 
This, then, is a *sacramental* Real Presence, but a *communal* Real Absence.

Real Absence happens big time on Good Friday.  I wish to defend the doctrine of Real Absence
against anabpatists, rationalists, pietists, memorialists, Zwinglians, 32nd Degree Masons, and
Michael Jackson who argue that the lack of Eucharist in the Good Friday portion of the
Triduum is only a *symbolic* absence.  To them I say, dead is dead, and for such as them there
can be no more joy in the Resurrection than there can be in their modernist, heathenish,
rationalist, and Limbaughesque Symbolic Presence.

I have laid the matter before my peers on this list.  I will now await the affirmation of the
righteous and the derision of the heterodox.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 04/06/98
[from Birrell, on Rehu]

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.  The
hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.  And the hot dog vendor responds:  "Change must
come from within."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

This is a true story. A friend of mine has a little boy, Michael, who was maybe four or five when
this happened.

Michael had been told the story of Passover, and about saving a place at the table for Elijah. He
and a little friend waited for Elijah to arrive, watching for him at the window. 
  
After a few minutes--a very long time by kid standards--a little-kid voice was heard to say, 

" ... do you think that's his car?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List]

Our Passover Things
    (tune of:My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music)

  Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
  Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
  Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
  These are a few of our Passover things.
  
  Matzah and karpas and chopped up haroset
  Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
  Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
  These are a few of our Passover things.
  
  Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
  Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
  Matzah balls floating and eggshell that clings
  These are a few of our Passover things.
  
  When the plagues strike
  When the lice bite
  When we're feeling sad
  We simply remember our Passover things
  And then we don't feel so bad. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 04/07/98
[from the Jewish Humor List]

This is an official notification from the Cyber Rav:
benzev@kinneret.co.il

It has come to my attention in these busy days before Passover that many
Jews of all persuations are busily cleaning up and kashering their homes
and businesses from chometz (leaven foods) and are missing one of the most
important places to be concerned about.  

That of cyberspace and their personal websites!!!

As it is written in our holy Torah: (Shmot 12 verse 18-22)

"Seven days shall there be no leaven found in your houses: for whosoever
eateth that which leaveneth, even that soul shall be cut off from the
congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger or a native of the land".

Our Rabbis of blessed memory defined "houses" to also include businesses
and ALL of our possessions.  This also includes cyberspace.  For as we know
most of us are living and working here more than anywhere else.   AND for
those of you who cannot bring themselves to sell and close off their
cyberspace home for eight days, you MUST clean, and check thoroughly in its
entirety all of your personal webspace.

What does this include?  As we know that chometz gamor cannot as yet exist
in cyberspace, we must check for the next best thing which is VIRTUAL
CHOMETZ (vc) or all words, pictures and sounds that pertain to chometz.  

To help out everyone in this tremendous endeavor, we have made available
virtual chometz checking kits (vcck) that can be sent directly to your
e-mail box.  These kits include a virtual feather, beeswax candle, bag,
wooden spoon, and match.   

For those of you too busy or not conversant in cyberspace cleaning, we have
automatic search engines set up twenty-four hours a day (excluding Shabbat
and holidays) to search for chometz.  You will be notified of which chometz
you possess and asked if you wish to sell it or have it removed and
destroyed.  Please also let us know if you allow leugems (kitniot), or
gebrachts. 

If you wish to have it sold, it will be sold to a non-Jew and stored in his
personal ftp site until after the eighth day and then returned.  Send us
your address for the virtual contract at: benzev@kinneret.co.il 

For those of you not wanting to have to worry about surfing and finding
yourself in a non-Passover setting, we are now proud to offer you MATZONET.
 MATZONET is the work of many fine yeshivah boys surfing the net and
identifying sites of questionable content.  When you sign up and log on
with MATZONET, you will be kept out of websites not certified Kosher for
Passover again depending upon your level of kashruth. 

Coming next time;

The requirement of placing a mezuzah on the entrance to your website.

Chag Kosher v'Sameach!!!!!!!!!!! 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 04/08/98
[from James B Churchill, via EcuLaugh]

When  pair of my nieces where young (about 6 or 7 and 5 or 6) their father claimed to be antheist
but allowed the girls to go to Sunday School with friends.  One attended the Episcopal Church
and the other Methodist (or Presbyterian I forget which).

One day they were overheard discussing which of their two churches was the"Holiest'.  The
young lady that attended the Episcopal Church was very positive that her's was the Holiest. 
When questioned as to why she was so sure, her reply was: "Well right across the front of the
Altar it says "HOLY+HOLY+HOLY"
+--------------------------------------+
An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning,
startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not
see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of
you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Nancy Hodapp]

Several years ago when one of my cousins celebrated the 25th anniversary of his ordination into
the priesthood, he did so in the small town where most of his family lived.

The church was already filled with family and friends when the 4th Degree Knights of Columbus
marched in, clad in all their finery.

My 4-year-old niece, who had not been raised as a Catholic, grabbed my daughter's hand and
loudly exclaimed, "Look, Cindy! Pirates!"    
+--------------------------------------+
[by Alan Combs, via Stan Kegel]

It's funny how these things come to me. I was watching Tim Allen's TV show the other night. We
all know how he gets off on implements and tools. I easily could imagine him building a
marvelous tool shed in the back yard, a tool shed that is the primary attraction and center of
attention when looking out through the large bay window in his living room. Then, I can see him
standing in the living room, looking out upon his work, and rejoicing, ... "Lord, what tools these
portals see."
+--------------------------------------+
[from ROGER  PARRISH, via EcuLaugh]

   A four-year-old child playing outside in a small plastic pool half
filled with water.  The young one was happily walking back and forth across
the pool, making big splashes.  Suddenly, the child stopped, stepped out of
the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out?" the parent asked.

"'Cause my teacher said Jesus walked on water.  And this water won't work,"
the child replied.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 04/09/98
[from a bunch of people, but Naomi sent it in first]

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and
ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition.
Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly
after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He
is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a
silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an
ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches
out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires,
taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is
elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to
him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but
they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was 
shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but,
as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.  

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics 
are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between
us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you,
what is it all about?"  

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. 
The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history." 

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of 
wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and 
discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed. 

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the
curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi
reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.They both
gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.
+--------------------------------------+
Jesus was having dinner with his disciples one time and as they gathered reverentially about him,
more or less in the attitudes since immortalized by Leonardo da Vinci, he looked about at them.

There, on one direction, he saw Judas Iscariot, who, he well knew, would betray him to the
authorities before three hours had passed.  On the other side was Peter, the prince of the disciples,
who, as he well knew, would deny him thrice ere the cock crowed.  And almost immediately
opposite him was Thomas, who, on a crucial occasion, would express doubts.

There seemed only one thing to do.  Jesus called over the head-waiter.  "Max," he said, "separate
checks."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 04/10/98
[from Aditya Mishra, on REHU-L]

In Sunday School, I was taught that there are actually three Fridays: 

Good Friday, so-called because that's the shopping day before you get to dress your kids up in
expensive new clothes and parade them at church on Easter Sunday, showing what a fine parent
you are. (Of course, you won't be back 'till next Easter!) 

Better Friday was the Friday before your annual vacation. 

Best Friday was the last work day before your retirement. 
+--------------------------------------+
[traditional folk tale]

                           THE THREE TREES

Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become
when they grew up.  The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure.  I
want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones.  I'll be the most beautiful treasure
chest in the world!"  The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way
to the ocean.  "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings.  I'll be the
strongest ship in the world!"  The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy
men and women worked in a busy town.  "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all.  I want to
grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of
God.  I will be the tallest tree in the world."

Years passed.  The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall.  One day three
woodcutters climbed the mountain.  The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This
tree is beautiful.  It is perfect for me."  With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell.  "Now I
shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!"  The first tree said.

The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong.  It is perfect for
me."  With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell.  "Now I shall sail mighty waters!"
thought the second tree.  "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way.  She stood straight and
tall and pointed bravely to heaven.  But the woodcutter never even looked up.  "Any kind of tree
will do for me."  He muttered.  With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop.  But the carpenter
fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals.  The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold,
with treasure.  She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals.

The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship
was made that day.  Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing
boat.  She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river; instead she was taken
to a little lake.

The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a
lumberyard.  "What happened?"  The once tall tree wondered.  "All I ever wanted was to stay on
the mountain top and point to God..."

Many many days and nights passed.  The three trees nearly forgot their dreams.  But one night,
golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the
feedbox.  "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered.  The mother squeezed
his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood.  "This manger is
beautiful." she said.  And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the
world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat.  The traveler fell
asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake.  Soon a thundering and thrashing storm
arose. The little tree shuddered.  She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many
passengers safely through with the wind and the rain.  The tired man awakened.  He stood up,
stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun.  And
suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten
woodpile.  She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd.  She shuddered when
soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.  She felt ugly and harsh and cruel.  But on Sunday morning,
when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love
had changed everything.  It had made the third tree strong.  And every time people thought of the
third tree, they would think of God.  That was better than being the tallest tree in the world. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 04/11/98
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
        Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Paul Littlefield, on Rehu]

V.  "Knock, knock!"
R.  "Who's there?"
V.  "Ether."
R.  "Ether who?"
V.  "It'th the Ether bunny."

V.  "Knock, knock!"
R.  "Who's there?"
V.  "Cargo."
R.  "Cargo who?"
V.  "Cargo beep-beep and run over all the Ether bunnies."

V.  "Knock, knock!"
R.  "Who's there?"
V.  "Boo."
R.  "Boo who?"
V.  "Don't cry--all the Ether bunnies will be back again next year!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://downtime.stanford.edu/topten/old/list10.html, via Maria Rocco]

Top Ten Reasons the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

  10. Tax Write-off (Glen Overman)

   9. Who wants Easter Bricks? (Real funny guy)

   8. Consider all of the varieties: Scrambled, over easy, hard boiled    (Chad Howat)

   7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens (spiff)

   6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose (the gimp)

   5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board (winthepooh)

   4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny    (Jorge)

   3. Would you want to hunt for waffles? (winthepooh)

   2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year (The Conclave)

   1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job. (Rod)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 04/12/98
[from Lynne Spencer-Smith, on EcuLaugh]

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and
the surrounding villages.  John finds Peter and runs up to him.  Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! 
I've got some good news and some bad news."  

Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John.  What is it?  What's the good
news?"  

John says, "The good news is Christ is risen."  

Peter says, "That's great!  But, what's the bad news?" 

John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Shared by "lewlaw" via Laugh Works, via Wit & Wisdom]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the
door as he always is to shake hands.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. 
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"  

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."  

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"  

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from REHU-L]

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can
enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats
turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS
EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree,
exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks,
"WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration
of Passover.  Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and
turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.  The Romans took Him to be crucified and was
stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross.  He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.  Every year the boulder is moved
aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of
winter."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
                         Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate
                          Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

  10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

   9. You look really, really good in yellow.

   8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 

   7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.

   6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

   5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

   4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

   3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion
Play."

  2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a
shot. 

  1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 04/13/98
[from The Thaxtons, via Tom Lewis]

I'm Stuck with the Kids - A frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

{This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of
dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.}

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on
my 1994 Federal Tax return.  Thank you.  I have questioned whether these are my children or not
for years.  They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who
evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) know something about them and what to
expect over the next year.  You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate
the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant. Ask her!  I suggest you put her to work in your
office where she can answer people's questions about their returns.  While she has not had formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of other subjects you can name.  Taxes
should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that
little expense.  While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the
moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense Funds
to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy. 
While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt
it best to occasionally remind he of the virtures of abstinence and in the face of overwhelming
passion, safe sex. This is always  uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
in  the future.  May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had  a rather good handle on
the problem. 

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes are a little close together for
normal people.  He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first.  In
February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. 
He and his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the future would you like him delivered to the local
IRS office or to Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is purple. 
Permanent dye, temporary dye,  what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it.  You'll have plenty of
time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of filing
your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones.  This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home.  DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure you will find telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year.  I'm sure
this one is yours.  She is 10 going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising
my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is
expensive, so the schools dropped it.  Good News!  You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
the deduction that you are denying!  It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.  She cannot speak English. Most
people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.  I don't. The school  sends her to a speech pathologist
who has her roll her Rs.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination
with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure that you can handle it.  Bring a truck when you come to
get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. 
I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! 
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager.  If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
academy.  Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 04/14/98
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light."
And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dickibus, on Rehu]

WHAT IF GOD HAD AN ANSWERING MACHINE? 
by Reverend Paul Kummer for his column for The Destine Log: 

I have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part of
modernization. But I've often wondered --- what if God decided to
install an answering machine? Imagine praying, then hearing this: 

"Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please press 1 for a
request. Press 2 for a thanksgiving. Press 3 to complain. For all
other inquiries, press 4." 

So I press 1 and I hear:  "We're sorry. Due to heavier than expected
volume we are unable to make a connection with God; please try again
later. Your business is important to us." 

What if God used the familiar excuse: "All of the angels are helping
other souls right now. Please stay on the line and your call will be
answered in the order it was received." 

Can you imagine these kinds of recorded responses as you call on God
in prayer: 

     "To find you how many angels dance on the head of a pin, press 4." 

     "If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6." 

     "to find out if your relative is here , enter the date they departed 
and listen for the list that follow." 

     "To confirm your reservations at My Father's House, press the
letters J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6." 

     "To find out what you pastor is doing at the moment, press 7." 

     "If you want to know what I think of American  politics, don't press
anything. Hang up and listen for laughter." 

     "for the answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of 
the earth, or where Noah's Ark is...wait till you get here!"

     "Our computers indicate you've called once today, already. Please
hang up immediately." 

     "This office is closed for the weekend. Please call Monday." 

Thank God we can call on him anytime, and the line is never busy. God
takes each call personally, and we'll never be put on "hold"! Best of
all, God often calls on us. Are you waiting for His call? If you
listen carefully, you just might hear music in the background and God
sing, "I just called to say 'I love you!' I just called to say how
much I care..." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 04/15/98
[from Bill's Punch Line]

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands
flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk
about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Joe Hickman, via UGA Humor List]

   Important questions all American taxpayers must answer before midnight tonight:

   - Did you attach your check or money order made payable to Internal
Revenue Service? And if so, do you know where your next meal is coming
from?

   - Did you attach your Forms W-2 to your return? Did you also attach
the shirt off your back and your Underalls?

   - Did you use your preprinted label? If not, just who do you think
you are and which day next week can you come in for an audit?

   - Did you place proper postage in the little box on the front of the
envelope where it says "Place Stamp Here?" Did you also have sense
enough to lick the stamp even though the IRS didn't remind you to do it?
+--------------------------------------+
[from Wit & Wisdom]

TAX DEDUCTIONS I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE  - Part 1 of 2
by Joni Hilton in Family Circle

- All money lost while playing Monopoly (double if lost to one's teenager,
for "humiliation compensation").

- All money spent on chocolate (which act as an antidepressant and should be
a deductible medical expense).

- $10 for every cookbook you own beyond the three you really use.

- $100 for every day your life had been turned upside-down as workmen
overrun you home doing a remodeling job.  (Call it "workers' comp," even
though there's no compensation large enough for this special kind of
suffering.)

- $25 per minute for listening to any explanations or promises by a
politician during an election year (call it an "entertainment deduction").

- $50 for every diet you have tried this past year that didn't work) a new
kind of "capital gains" deduction).

- School materials fee, if the only thing your child learned this year was
the Batman version of "Jingle Bells."

- Gas and travel expense for attending important one-day-only sales.

- Cost of any horn or drum lessons for your kids, during the first six years
of study (additional $5 earplug and aspirin deduction).

- The cost of your husband's exercise equipment that he never uses ($10 per
pound of equipment, plus $10 per pound of husband).

- $100 for all worthless items purchased at a garage sale, which you them
have to unload at your own sale.

- $50 per missed message when the answering machine, through no fault of
your own, fails to convince callers to leave their names and numbers ($500
if you finally give up and sell your machine at that garage sale).
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 04/16/98
[from Sheila]

A dog looks at his owner who feeds him, protects him, and cares for
him, and says to himself, "He must be a god."

A cat looks at his owner who feeds him, protects him, and cares for
him, and says to himself, "I must be a god."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Barbara, on Rehu]

 There is apocryphal gossip about Tallulah Bankhead attending a Christmas service in an RC
Cathedral. She walked past a particularly gruesome statue of Christ crucified and said, "Smile,
dahling. It's  your birthday!"

Another one:
She was sitting on the aisle of a very 'high' church as a long formal procession began
gathering. She turned to one fellow and said, "I like your dress, dahling, but your purse is on fire."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark, on Rehu]

I was once forbidden by the Pastor of my last church job to play the family requested "In the
Garden," saying that in seminary he was told the hymn had sexual connotations.  

Oh dear, they'll be saying that marriage has sexual connotations next.

At a Baptist wedding I was best man at, the Pastor in his sermon likened a marriage to a couple
moving together in a dance. Good simple simile but he ruined it by adding "that's not to deny, of
course, that dancing is a sin"...
+--------------------------------------+
[from Cincnnati, on Rehu] 

A little grey haired grandmother got on a plane leaving for Chicago and sat
down next to a priest who was dutifully reading his daily office.

Horrible weather for a flight, isn't it she said.  Yes it is,he said.

As they took off and climbed to altitude, the plane hit heavy turbulence and
the woman said to the priest, this weather is frightening. Certainly is, said
the priest.

Just then the plane was struck by lightning and the lady said, father you have
to do something about this weather and being a man of the cloth, your word
must be important to God.  The priest gazed for moment at the frightened woman
and said, Mam, I  can't do anything about it because I am in sales, not
management.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 04/17/98
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

Contemporary Aphorisms

   Here's a little info that should be right down your modem:

 1. Home is where you hang your @

 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail..

 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click..

 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks..

 5. Great groups from little icons grow..

 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone..

 7. C:\ is the root of all directories..

 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page..

 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish..

 10. The modem is the message..

 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse..

 12. The geek shall inherit the earth..

 13. A chat has nine lives..

 14. Don't byte off more than you can view..

 15. FAX is stranger than fiction..

 16. What boots up must come down..

 17. Windows will never cease..

 18. In Gates we trust..

 19. Virtual reality is its own reward..

 20. Modulation in all things..

 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted..

 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com

 23. Know what to expect before you connect..

 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice...

 25. Speed thrills..

                        And, finally...

 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
     Web and he won't bother you for weeks.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 04/18/98
[from David Roschke, via EcuLaugh]

Someone said to Joseph of Arimathea, "That was such a beautiful, costly,
hand-hewn tomb.  Why did you give it to someone else to be interred in?"

"Oh," said Joseph, "he only needed it for the weekend."
+--------------------------------------+
[from John Butterfield]

A young female Salvation army officer was collecting on the streets of
Glasgow. As she saw an elderly a Highland gentlemen approaching she asked
him "Can you give me 10 pence for the Lord Please?"  

The elderly gentleman asked her "How old are you young lady?" 

"I'm 22" she replied. 

"I'm 84" he replied, "And as I am certain that I will see the Lord before
you do, I'll hang on to my ten pence and give it to him myself!" 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

I recently returned from a trip to the Middle East. It was an experience I
will long remember. I had expected to find nomads living in the middle
ages. Instead I found the area to be firmly in the twentieth century. I
remember most the faithful Muslims being called to prayer. They now use
microphones. They have become ... Mecca-nized
+--------------------------------------+
[from Birrell, on Rehu]

A missionary family in Burma had hired a houseboy from the village and the woman of the pair
was instructing him in dishwashing, American style.

"You have to wash each dish with soap and then rinse it in this boiling water," she said.  The
Burmese kid looked puzzled, so she asked him why.  And he asked "Well, I was wondering why
we do this."

"Because," she said, "there are little tiny beings, so small you can't see them.  If we don't do this
they will make us sick."

"Oh, ma'am," replied the boy, "we Christians don't believe in *them*, do we?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, on Rehu]

 A young man is playing golf with a priest.  At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going
to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father.  How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green.  The priest tops his 7 iron and
dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep
our head down."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 04/19/98
On a Sunday a pastor was giving an especially fiery sermon. All of a sudden the preacher burst
into flames, the victim of spontaneous combustion. Later, two members were discussing what had
happened to the pastor. One said that God obviously did not want that person working as a
pastor. 

"Why is that so," asked the other. "Well, God fired him didn't he?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he
had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day.  He put
on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's
Baptist Church.  The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task.

Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning
the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber
shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to
find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the
barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great
job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You
were shaved by Grace.  Once shaved, always shaved."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Michael Dimond on Rehu]

                    How to liven up your church

- Wear a spiffy pair of skin-tight leather pants.

- Shout "Boy howdy!" instead of saying "Amen."

- Volunteer to teach a homemaking mini-class on the fine art of  breastfeeding in public.

- Drop monopoly money in the collection plate. When someone  complains, say loudly, "Well, it
was REAL money when I sealed the  envelope!"

- Put a sign on the minister's/priest's office that reads, "Sorry,  I'm out playing golf today."

- Put a sign on all of the outside doors that say, "Welcome! Use  other door."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 04/20/98
[from Nick's Humor List at nickhumor-owner@Listservice.net ]

In a friendly card game at The Philosopher's Club,
you just might hear someone say "Deal DESCARTES!"

   Do you have a response for that pun?
   Well, I KANT think of any.
   But here's a story for you.

Oedipus met Diogenes one day, and said, "Dio, why are you walking around
holding a lantern?"  Dio replied, "Well, I'm looking for an honest man, and
to tell you the truth, until I find one, there will be no rest for the wick, Oed."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.  Glancing at the car, he was
astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"No," the woman yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

APHORISMS FOR THE 90'S....
  * All that glitters is not...necessarily something you want
   your daughter sticking through a hole in her nose.

 * A penny saved is...something you could've invested in the
   biggest bull market in history, if only you hadn't
   listened to your brother-in-law.

 * The early bird catches...heat from the union.

 * If you can't stand the heat...hire an assistant.

 * The squeaky wheel...got to be lead singer in my son's
   rock group.

 * It's always darkest just before...you try to find your seat
   in a movie theater.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 04/21/98
[from Rich Hill, via EcuLaugh]

Top ten duties not assigned to ushers at Hope Lutheran Church, Selden, N.Y.

10. Validate parking for worshipers who stay for more than two services on
    Sunday morning.

 9. Record the number of people who do not open the Lutheran Book of
    Worship even once during a service.

 8. Watch the weather channel during the 8:00 service to find out whether
    it will be raining after the service is over.

 7. Lift up short acolytes weighing over 50 pounds so they can get a sense
    of accomplishment by being able to light the candles by themselves.

 6. Confiscate trashy novels from parents who come to church only to hear
    their children sing in the Children's Choir.

 5. Check younger communicants for proof when they come forward to receive
    Holy Communion.

 4. Put offering envelopes in numerical order after each service before
    placing them in the offering box.

 3. Inform the pastor by flashing the chancel lights when the sermon is
    going more than eighteen minutes overtime.

 2. Check the handbags of visitors as they enter for concealed weapons,
    mace cannisters, tire chains, or copies of the King James Bible.

 1. Collect and save the pieces of used chewing gum found under the rear
    pews after services when the Adult Choir has sung an anthem.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 04/22/98
[from the Jewish Humor List]

An old man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children,  grandchildren - came to see him
but only one was allowed in the room at a time.

Grandson Ben went in first.    "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"   

"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Grandma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver."

Ben went out and told Grandma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any
chopped liver. It would kill him."  

Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Grandma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying
anyway and it won't make any difference."

Ben went and told Grandma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The
chopped liver is for the shiva."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via Jewish Humor List]

On a sunny Shabboth afternoon in Miami Beach, two old friends met for the first time in years.
After exchange of the usual amenities, as they sat on a beachfront bench, Jacob's expression grew
somber, and he said, "Shmuel, people are telling me you don't go to shul any more. Can it be
true that you no longer believe in God?" Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the
subject. The next afternoon, the old friends met on the beach again."You must tell me, Shmuel,"
he said, "Don't you believe in our God any more?" Shmuel replied, "Here is a straight answer
to a straight question. No, I don't." Jacob asked, "Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?' Shmuel,
deeply shocked, exclaimed, "God forbid - on Shabboth?"
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Sheila]

Two Jewish gentlemen, long-time friends, happened to meet, and one 
noticed that the other seemed depressed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"There's terrible trouble in my family, " the first fellow said. "I
sent my son to Israel so that he would come home a better Jew and
believe it or not, he came home a Christian."

"It's funny that you should mention that," said the second man.  "Exactly
the same thing happened to me.  I sent my son to Israel so that he'd become
a better Jew, and he too, came home a Christian."

They both decided to seek the advice of their rabbi.  They went and
told their rabbi what had happened in their families.

"It's funny that you should mention that," said the rabbi, "because
exactly the same thing happened in our family.  I sent my only son
to Israel in hope that he would become a better Jew, and, believe it  or
not, he also came home a Christian."

At that, the three men fell to their knees, and with tears streaming 
down their faces, addressed God the Father Almighty directly.  When each of
them told the Lord their stories, they heard a voice from heaven reply:
"It's funny that you should mention that . . ."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 04/23/98
[from Steven & Susan, via UGA Humor List]

Fish
><{{{{">

Foolish fish
          |
><{{{{"< ~J

Fish fillets
{ { { { {

Pirhanna
><{{{{"{ ~
+--------------------------------------+
[from Randy]

  - Martini
  - Champagne
  - Candle to light the room
  - beer (non alcoholic of .................... course  NOT!)
 - cherry
  - and of course you can't forget the 'binky' for the youngsters!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

10 TYPES OF NEWSGROUP USERS

The Lurker -- Never posts, never replys just observes.

The Vulture -- Never posts, but ready and waiting to point out any fault in
your post.

The Knit Picker -- Never posts but will break down, question and analize
your post until it is no longer funny.

The Poacher -- Never posts, but will reply to another post with a better or
different punchline, stealing the laugh.

The Flame Fodder -- Usually a newbie who asked a lame question, usually in
the wrong group.  No mercy is shown.

The News Cop -- Only ever post to tell people they are in the wrong group
or to stop spamming etc.

The Wacko -- Will often post a message or joke which makes no sense.  The
wacko will never post again.  Strange.

The Spammer -- we all HATE the spammer!!!!

The Stealth Spammer -- Post Spams that need to be read before you can tell
its a spam.

The Hero -- This brave person often posts at the mercy of the Vultures,
knit pickers and the pouchers.

Which are you?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 04/24/98
[from the archives of Rehu]

Gimme That Old Time Religion

Refrain:
Gimme that old time religion
Gimme that old time religion
Gimme that REAL OLD TIME religion
It's good enough for me!

A few of the over 650 verses:
-------------------
Let us worship Aphrodite,
    Though we hear she's rather flighty
    Still she wears a see-through nightie
    And that's good enough for me.

We will pray to Father Zeus
    In his temple we'll hang loose
    Eating roast beef au jus,
    And that's good enough for me.

Let us worship like the Druids
    Drinking strange fermented fluids
    Running naked through the wo-ods,
    And that's good enough for me.

My roommate worships Buddha.
    There is no idol cuter.
    Comes in copper, bronze, and pewter,
    And that's good enough for me.

Let us pray to Zarathustra
    Let us pray just like we useta
    I'm a Zarathustra boosta
    It's good enough for me.

Let us pray like the Egyptians
    Build pyramids to put our crypts in
    Fill our subways with inscriptions
    It's good enough for me.

Montezuma used to start out
    He would rip a certain part out
    You would really eat your heart out
    And he's good enough for me.

We will sing a song of Mithras
    Let us sing a song of Mithras
    But there is no rhyme for Mithras!
    Still he's good enough for me.

We will go to worship Kali
    She will help us in our folly
    She'd be quite an armful, golly!
    And she's good enough for me.

Let us worship old Jehovah
    All you other gods move ovah
    Cause the one God's takin' over
    And it's good enough for me

Let us sing the praise of Loki,
    He's the old Norse God of Chaos
    Which is why this verse doesn't particularly
     rhyme or scan or anything like that,
    But it's good enough for me!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 04/25/98
[from Jewish Humor List]

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not
to good. I've been very weak." 

The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?" 

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?" 

She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

"Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his
father as he returned from work.

Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said:
"Look, son, not even your mother knows that.  Don't bother me now, I'm
tired."

"But Daddy, just tell me please!  How much do you make an hour?" the
boy insisted.  The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars
per hour."

"Okay, Daddy.  Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked.

Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled:
"So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right?  Go to sleep
and don't bother me anymore!"

It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he said and
was feeling guilty.  Maybe he thought, his son wanted to buy
something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his
son's room.

"Are you asleep, son?" asked the father.

"No, Daddy.  Why?" replied the boy, partially asleep.

"Here's the money asked for earlier, " the father said.

"Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his
pillow and removing some money.

"Now I have enough!  Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his
father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just
said. "Daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 04/26/98
For all those who *loved* the "Gimme That Old Time Religion" verses, I just found a website
with an ENORMOUS collection of them - even larger than the one I sent via email to those of
you who wrote asking for more!

Trouble is, the url won't fit on a single line.  I'm breaking it up, and you will have to splice it
together again.....
       http://weygold.tierranet.com/Book_of_Shadows/
Music_and_Poetry/Real_Old_Time_Religion.html 

Enjoy - but be warned that some get pretty risque....
+--------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do
something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said, "Brothers
and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an
affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will
reveal his name."

Later, as he counted the money, he found 21 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that
read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tigerman]

Top Ten Reasons For Sitting At The Front Of The Church

10. Statistics show that the front of the church building is the
safest in the event of a natural disaster.

9. You can see if anything's caught between the Rector's teeth. Then
watch him as you smile and point.

8. There's still lots of padding in these kneelers since they are
almost like new.

7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of
your shirt.

6. It's easier to trip the Wardens and Sidespersons

5. No one will hear your stomach make those 'alien' noises.

4. You're the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.

3. You want to justify that feeling you've always had that every
ones looking at you.

2. You're mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one
sits beside you.

And the #1 reason for sitting at the front of the church is.......

1. You actually love worshipping God and feeding on His Word and
Sacrament! 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 04/27/98
[from Swedie, Barbara, and Natasha on Rehu]

Ecumenical Ice Cream Flavors

Episcopalian -- Brand name: Tasteful Traditions

Toffeenose
Bluenose Bloody Mary
Yummy Eucharist
Harvey's Bristol Cream
Suffragan Succotash
Prayerbook Parfait (1982 version)
Plain Vanilla, III
Coffee Hour Crunch
Mitre Melon
Bishop's Blend
Pears of the People
Practice What You Peach
St. Swithun's Swirl
Canterberries 'n' Cream


Lutheran -- Brand name: 95 Flavors, No Bull (or, the Augsburg Concession)

Bavarian Indulgence
Grace Krispies
Poor, Wretched Cinnamon
Martin's Melange
He Is Raisin
Katherine von Berry
Caramel Chorale
Saved by Grape
Wittenberg Wanilla

For the RC tradition, the companies are The One True Dairy (softserve)
and MIB (Men in Black), inc. (hardball division)

Flavors include:

Romana Banana
Peter'n'Praline
Kiwi A Liaison
Chocolate Pagan Baby
Confessional Coconut Fudge
Mad Monk Mocha
Flying Nun Frappe
Rosarybead Crunch

you have forgotten the alltime liturgical church favorite ice cream- thurible
swirl.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 04/28/98
[from Stan Kegel]

I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local park. My seven year old
was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. 

     "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." 
     "Godown the slide while sitting only." 
     "Only one child on a swing at a time."

There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and
let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and
their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good
and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. 

When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how
reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed
instructions. That is, all but one. 

They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angerly, I
picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old
read it aloud again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old
answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. ... No one uses a slide rule anymore."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Chalapathi, via UGA Humor List]

Lateral Puzzles

This kind of puzzle teaches you to check your assumptions about any situation. You need to be
open-minded, flexible and creative in your questioning and able to put lots of different clues and
pieces of information together. Once you reach a viable solution you keep going in order to refine
it or replace it with a better solution. This is lateral thinking!

#1  Friday

     A man rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three nights and then
     left on Friday. How come?

#2 The Deadly Party

     A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left
     early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch
     subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

#3 The Blind Beggar

     A blind beggar had a brother who died. What relation was the blind
     beggar to the brother who died? (Brother is not the answer).

#4 The Elder Twin

     One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older
     twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

Answers

1.  The man's horse was called Friday.

2.  The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes.
    When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually
    it melted, poisoning the punch.

3.  The blind beggar was the sister of her brother who died.

4.  At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin,
Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or any
time zone line)  and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the
younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 04/29/98
[from Stan Lewis and The Good People at WGM, via Maria Rocco]

You Might be a Preacher If............

You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.

You ever talked to a person who was sitting on a bedpan.

You find yourself counting people at a sports event.

You've spoken for free, and are worth every penny of it!

You've ever wanted to punch out a council member.

You received an anonymous U-Haul gift certificate.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

  You Might be a Southern Baptist...
  
               ...if you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
 
               ...if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
 
               ...if you think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem. 
 
               ...if the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
 
               ...if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the
preacher.
 
               ...if your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
 
               ...if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.
 
               ...if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English
 
               ...if you think worship service music has to be loud.
 
               ...if you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
 
               ...if you think preachers who wear robes are in Cahoots with the communists.
 
               ...if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service.
 
               And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and
interpret that feeling as a call to preach, you might be a Southern Baptist.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 04/30/98
[from http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/98/Apr/relspt.html ]

Ring ring...

God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner:  I seem to have lost my faith.

God:  Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a catholic Minister?

Sinner:  Ummm...  lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a priest.

God:  And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?

Sinner:  Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few
other Weekly Services here and there.

God:  Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?

Sinner:  Not that I can think of..

God:  Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies
(c)*(Microsoft) or Street Retoric (Internet).  Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be
construed as corrupting?

Sinner:  Well I did listed to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who
believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.

God:  What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you
have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a
Goto Hell.  Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner:  And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God:  Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM) and recall the passages
that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the  passages about Judas.ini (c).   you can also find
some help in the  Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be  used with
a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner:  And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

God:  Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,  Lotus Devout(TM),
Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter  Browser(TM).  If you use these products
and not download data from know  corrupting sources, you should be fine.

Sinner:  Well thank you very much God, This should help out allot, I  should be believing in you
without a doubt in no time.

God:  Go in Peace(TM) my son.

Ring ring...

God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner:  Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...
+--------------------------------------+
