HUMOR100 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at   CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

1.   From an email message posted by Michael G. Dunnington:

     I was interested in your comments about playing tag with God.  It put me in mind of
     something I read on another list I subscribe to ("Propertalk," which is a discussion of
     upcoming propers for preaching ideas.)  Anyway, the writer quoted Robert Capon's book,
     Parables of Judgment, and he said, "The history of salvation is slapstick all the way, right
     up to and including the end.  It's the Three Stooges working only for laughs.  God isn't
     trying to hurt anyone; he's not even mad at anyone.  There are no lengths to which God
     won't go to prove there are no restrictions on the joy he wants to share with us.  If you
     were never afraid of Curley, Larry and Moe, you don't need to be afraid of the Trinity
     either."

2.   Don't "Should" on yourself today!

3.   From Robert Fulghum's "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten":
          Better than hide-and-seek, I like the game called Sardines.  In Sardines the person
          who is It goes and hides, and everybody goes looking for him.  When you find him,
          you get in with him and hide there with him.  Pretty soon everybody is hiding
          together, all stacked in a small space like puppies in a pile.  And pretty soon
          somebody giggles and somebody laughs and everybody gets found.

          Medieval theologians even described God in hide-and-seek terms, calling him Deus
          Absconditus.  But me, I think old God is a Sardine player.  And will be found the
          same way everybody gets found in Sardines -- by the sound of laughter of those
          heaped together at the end...... To all those who have hid too good:  Get found,
          kid! 

4.   "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."

5.   Read Robert Fulgham's "It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It", especially the story
     starting on page 7.  Read that one out loud, preferably with your spouse.  It is impossible
     for me to keep a straight face even thinking about it!

6.   "Holy cards are worth more if they are autographed."

7.   "Jesus saves ... the rest of us better make backups."

8.   "Saint under construction ... please excuse the mess."

9.   I found Carey Landry's "Lay Your Hands" on the "Abba! Father!" tape, and once when I
     was feeling pretty down, I decided to fix my meditation on healing tape to include it.  My
     kindergartner had been messing with the dubbing speed, so when it started playing, it
     sounded like the Chipmunks.  I hadn't laughed that hard in days!  I enjoyed it so much I
     did it on purpose, with almost the whole tape.  The fast songs were even funnier.

10.  'It is God's table.  What gives us the right to check the guest list?' -- Madeleine L'Engle

11.  My darling husband, an astrophysicist with atrocious taste in puns has figured out what
     has been happening to me the past two months.  Dark nights are supposed to last weeks,
     months or even years.  I get the symptoms, but it is over in a few days.  Brian explains that
     the moon has gone in front of the sun, producing instead of a dark night, a "soular"
     eclipse.  You now have permission to flee the room holding your nose.

12.  From an email posted by "Doc" E Karlbom:

     Question:  "How do you drive an old Buick into a Toyota carport?"
     Answer:   "You just grip the steering wheel, close your eyes and gun it and say out loud as
     you are moving forward, "Screw guilt! The neighbors aren't going to understand me or
     why I'm doing what I am doing anyway."

     [ also known as "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"]

13.  From a posting on CINMAIN, [original message was addressed to All]
 =============================================================
##
# If Saint Paul had been a computer techie, he would have:
#
#    -  Networked the seven churches mentioned in Revelation.
     I would hope that he would solve the knotty problem related to this: Ring or Hub-spoke
 #    -  Made sure his spiritual armor included a virus checker.
     And release it to the public domain...
 #    -  Sent his letters to all the churches using Mail Merge.
     cc e-mail would seem more efficient...
 #    -  Used "Find" and "Replace" to change his name from Saul to Paul.
     And maybe a footnote or two explaining when and why then....
 #    -  Used mapping software to make his Missionary Journeys more efficient.
          Conferencing video over Internet ... more Churches, shorter time, instant response.
 #    -  Sold tents to buy a Mac.
          I thoght you said something about heresy checkers? <g>...
 #    -  Created a "Heresy Check" macro for his Word Processor.
     Ah! But a basic heresy seems to have slipped by...
 #    -  Made Software Piracy a sin with an 11th Commandment.
     Or made sure that the community really did follow the injunction to share all things in
     common....
 #    -  Told us to "Compuserve one another."
     I do not think he would be so cruel....
 #    -  Replaced "Christ is the vine, we are the branches" with "Christ is the Network Server, we
are the nodes."
     Ok ....
 =============================================================

14.  Yet another posting from CINMAIN:
     
     And Abraham said unto Isaac, come with me, my son, and we will upgrade my computer. 
     And Isaac said unto Abraham, O my father, whence shall we upgrade it?  And Abraham
     said unto Isaac, my son, we shall upgrade it unto Windows 95.  And Isaac said unto
     Abraham, O my father, this is surely too great a task for us to embark upon, for your
     computer lacketh the resources for so lofty an upgrade. Its processor is barely capable; its
     hard disk is far smaller than optimum, and its memory is sorely lacking even the minimum
     required.  And Abraham said unto Isaac, yet even so my son we shall make the  attempt. 
     And Isaac said unto Abraham, yea, but we are here in the wilderness, far from CompUSA
     and Best Buy.  Where shall we find the hardware needed to meet minimum specifications? 
     And Abraham said unto Isaac, fear not, my son:  for God will provide the RAM.

15.  From a posting from CINPRAY:

                           THE THREE TREES
> 
>     ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
> 
     Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to
     become when they grew up.  The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to
     hold treasure.  I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones.  I'll be the
     most beautiful treasure chest in the world!"  The second little tree looked out at the small
     stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean.  "I want to be traveling mighty waters and
     carrying powerful kings.  I'll be the strongest ship in the world!"  The third little tree
     looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. 
     "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all.  I want to grow so tall that when people
     stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God.  I will be the tallest
     tree in the world."

     Years passed.  The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall.  One day three
     woodcutters climbed the mountain.  The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said,
     "This tree is beautiful.  It is perfect for me."  With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree
     fell.  "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!"  The
     first tree said.

     The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong.  It is
     perfect for me."  With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell.  "Now I shall sail
     mighty waters!" thought the second tree.  "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"


     The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way.  She stood
     straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven.  But the woodcutter never even looked up. 
     "Any kind of tree will do for me."  He muttered.  With a swoop of his shining axe, the
     third tree fell.

     The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop.  But the
     carpenter fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals.  The once beautiful tree was not
     covered with gold, with treasure.  She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for
     hungry farm animals.

     The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing
     ship was made that day.  Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a
     simple fishing boat.  She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river;
     instead she was taken to a little lake.

     The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in
     a lumberyard.  "What happened?"  The once tall tree wondered.  "All I ever wanted was to
     stay on the mountain top and point to God..."

     Many many days and nights passed.  The three trees nearly forgot their dreams.  But one
     night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn
     baby in the feedbox.  "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered.  The
     mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy
     wood.  "This manger is beautiful." she said.  And suddenly the first tree knew he was
     holding the greatest treasure in the world.

     One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat.  The traveler
     fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake.  Soon a thundering and
     thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered.  She knew she did not have the strength
     to carry so many passengers safely through with the wind and the rain.  The tired man
     awakened.  He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as
     quickly as it had begun.  And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of
     heaven and earth.

     One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the
     forgotten woodpile.  She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd.  She
     shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her.  She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. 
     But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her,
     the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything.  It had made the third tree
     strong.  And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.  That
     was better than being the tallest tree in the world. 


16.  May those who love us, love us.  And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts;
     and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their
     limping.

17.  I am Woman.  I am Invincible. ...................... I am Tired.

18.  Oh, no!  Not ANOTHER learning experience!

19.  And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts.... except, of course, for cats. 
     Felines:12-15.

20.  Many are chosen, but few come when you call them.  Canines:3-5.

21.  My rod and my reel, they comfort me.  St. Pete:12 lb. Test.

22.  Make thy ball lie in green pastures, not in still waters.  Arnie -3:par 72.

23.  Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

24.  One thing about this choir called Life . . . you don't have to know the words.  God accepts
     those who try to hum just the same.

25.  My mind is like a bad neighborhood . . . I don't dare go in there alone!

26.  Lord, grant me patience - right NOW!

27.  Some days, you're the windshield, and some days . . . the bug!

28.  I found a Christmas card at the grocery store that I couldn't pass up.  It had a picture of
     three people singing "Leon Leon Leon".  The caption was "Dyslexic Carolers".  Reminds
     me of the Christmas card I sent Brian the Christmas between first meeting him and then
     marrying him - that one had three guys singing on a stage in silly angel costumes with the
     word "Harold" on their chests, no caption.  The inside said something like "I'll spare you
     the pun.  Merry Christmas!"  Brian didn't get it!!!!  [I won't ask whether you did, it's
     "Hark! The 'Harold' Angels Sing!"].

29.  Are you familiar with the filk song "Give Me That Real Old Time Religion"?  I saw about
     a dozen verses of it years ago in a nonfiction book about science fiction, and I heard
     several verses of it on a Pete Seeger tape I checked out of the library.  I understand there
     are supposed to be over 600 verses floating around.  Let's see whether I can dredge some
     out of my brain:

Refrain:       Gimme that old time religion
               Gimme that old time religion
               Gimme that REAL old time religion
               It's good enough for me!

        We will worship Aphrodite, though she's rather young and flighty
        And she wears that see-through nightie, but she's good enough for me!    R.

        We will now go pray to Loki, he's the old Norse god of chaos
        Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme or scan, but it's good enough for me!  R.

        We will worship with the Druids drinking strange fermented fluids
        Running naked through the wo-oods, and that's good enough for me!   R.

        We will now go pray to Buddha, of all gods there is none cuter
        Comes in silver, brass or pewter, and that's good enough for me!    R.

        We will worship Zarathustra, we will worship Zarathustra
        I'm a Zarathustra boostah, cuz he's good enough for me!         R.

30.  My husband has a xerox of a very severe warning about the dangers of DiHydrogen
     Monoxide.  We could try to scan it and send you the file which you could FAX yourself,
     or you could send me your snail address.  It's hilarious!  SO many people think that it is
     totally serious!!! [see item #70]

31.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom] Upon awakening, I look down at my hands, and if I am
     not holding on to a bouquet of flowers, I look for a lit candelabra in the room I'm in.  If I
     don't see one, I then listen for organ music and if I don't hear any, the last thing I look for
     is a lid in the "up" position on the left side of my bed.  If I don't see or hear any of these
     things, then I know that God has given me another day, to be His servant in whatever way
     He chooses for me to be. 

32.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom] Years ago, while singing in a small church choir in
     Oregon,  one Sunday morning our choir was marching up the aisle towards the front of
     the church where the choir loft was and we were singing the same hymn the congregation
     was singing, as always.  I mean, we did this every Sunday, only it was a different song
     every time.

     Well, this one particular Sunday we were singing "Crown Him With Many Crowns," one
     of my favorites.  I decided to sing my own version of it, sort of making up the words on
     the fly as we marched in a forwardly direction.  The choir member marching in front of me
     was a dentist, specializing as a Periodontist.  Visualize us marching along and me being
     the good Tenor, belting out my own version.  Here are the words . . .

     "Crown Him with many crowns,
          and then send him the bill.
     Some folks will gripe while others'll groan,
          You know they always will.

     If they refuse to pay . . .
          and when the payment lags . . .
               just strap 'em in and gas 'em out
                   yank all remaining snags!"

     Teresa, this young dentist marching in front of me starting chuckling, then he started
     snickering, then he started to laugh, then he was just roaring!  It was embarassing!  I
     thought to myself, "Oh Dockers, you did it THIS time, for sure!"  The minister kept
     looking over at all of us, wondering what happened and why the dentist was just losing it
     up there in the choir loft.  Then the congregation started to nervously laugh while
     watching us and when they gave up and cut loose with loud laughter, the minister started
     to snicker; then he got the hiccups began laughing and hiccuping all at the same time. 
     Upon observing all of this, our organist, usually very reserved and proper started laughing. 
     It was one of the greatest mornings I think all of us ever had.  I was so afraid that
     someone would say, "It was all Doc's fault!" that I wanted to make like a small church
     mouse and run and hide until many hours later after everyone left!  Ha! Ha!  Fun!!

     When it began to quiet down, that is, after several minutes had gone by, the minister
     changed his entire sermon that morning and talked to us instead about why God gave each
     of us the ability to laugh, especially at ourselves, and not to take Life so seriously all the
     time.  It was fun! 


   33.    [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom] I have a button I wear around Christmas time and all it
          says on it is "HO3".  Folks look at that and they say to me, "What's that mean, Doc,
          Hydrogen Trioxide?"  One guy said,  "Ho three?  What's that mean?"  Another said,
          "Ummm, isn't the formula for 'water' supposed to be H2O?"  I'll tell you, I have had more
          fun with that one!  I'll see if you can figure what that means!  [HO HO HO]

34.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom] When I was little, whenever I said the Lords Prayer, I
     thought it started out, "Our Father, Who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."  So, for
     many years I said the same prayer every time the same way.  Even today, with almost
     twenty-seven years in recovery, I talk about turning my life over to my Higher Power,
     "Howard."  "Cause I figure if that's Howard's will, that's His will and I won't question
     that!"

35.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom] Mine eyes have seen the Glory of the coming of the Lord,
     He was screaming down the freeway in a green and yellow Ford . . . 

36.  Voice mail options: If you are a homicidal maniac, put down the axe and press 1.  For
     Oedipus complex, get your mother to help you press 2.  If you are paranoid, make sure
     nobody is looking and then press 3.  For codependency, press 4 if that is okay with
     everybody else.

37.  THE LESSON

     Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, He taught
     them saying:

     Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
     Blessed are the meek.
     Blessed are they that mourn.
     Blessed are the merciful.
     Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
     Blessed are you when persecuted.
     Blessed are you when you suffer.
     Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven. . .

     Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
     And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
     And James said, "Will we have a test on it?"
     And Phillip said, "What if we don't know it?"
     And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
     And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!"
     And Matthew said, "When do we get out of here?"
     And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

     Then one of the pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his
     terminal objectives in the cognitive domain. . .

     And Jesus wept.

38.  I heard this one on an Arlo Guthrie tape a while back, from a song written by his father
     Woody Guthrie, called "The Ladies' Auxilliary":
          Oh the Ladies' auxilliary
          Is a very fine auxilliary
          The finest auxilliary
          You ever did see
          So if you need an auxilliary
          Try the Ladies' auxilliary
          That's the Ladies'... Aux-il-lia-ry.

39.  Michael G. Dunnington asked if it was okay to put these items in his church newsletter. 
     Far as I know, it is, but you would have to have a VERY liberal church membership for
     "Old Time Religion"!  The little old ladies (of both sexes) down at St. Patrick's would
     have a fit!

40.  John sent these next ones:
     1.   These cookies are like the 10 Commandments, they're all broken.
     2.   Q: How do they make Holy Water in the Catholic church?
          A: They boil  the hell out of it!
     3.   Q: What did Noah say to the fishes before he put them into the Ark?
          A: Go easy on the bait guys, there's only 2 worms.
     4.   Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
          A: Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.
     5.   Q: What do you call a nun that sleep walks?
          A: A Roamin' Catholic.

     6.   Did you hear the story about the mother who was angry because her son wouldn't
          go to church? One Sunday morning she walked right into his bedroom & said,
          "Son, I want you to get out of bed, & go to church!"  "But I don't want to go to
          church!" he said.  "Get up & go to church!"  "Nobody loves me at church! Nobody
          cares about me at church!" he protested.  "That's no excuse, I want you to go to
          church!" she retorted.  "Give me two reasons for going to church," he scoffed. 
          "Number one," she replied, "You're 51 years old! Number two, you're the pastor!"

41.  Mark Whiting claims that someone put up a bumper sticker in the back of his Church
     (Episcopal) which reads: "If you love Jesus, Tithe...   anyone can honk!"

42.  [courtesy Ginny] A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.  After requesting a
     tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they
     have larger runways on their ranches....  They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor
     bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor,
     and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy."  The Sydney-
     Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn. "Is this a road, or a track?"  So when a
     kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the
     brakes, the driver couldn't help himself -  "Stupid grass hoppers!"

43.  Keating's "Invitation To Love" has a LOT of good humor in it. [paperback, about $11 -
     get it!!!] Fr. Keating's Lenten fast, where he was told to GAIN 20 pounds, is on pages 35-36.  The chapter about Bernie, pages 50-57, is chock full of hilarious images - you will
     NEVER forget that guy, I guarantee! [Of course the serious stuff is superb as well.]

44.  Computer acronym definitions:
     1.   PCMCIA    People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
     2.   ISDN      It Still Does Nothing
     3.   Apple          Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
     4.   SCSI      System Can't See It
     5.   DOS       Defunct Operating System
     6.   Basic          Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
     7.   IBM       I Blame Microsoft
     8.   DEC       Do Expect Cuts
     9.   CD-ROM    Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
     10.  OS/2      Obsolete Soon, Too
     11.  WWW  World Wide Wait     [too true!]
     12.  Macintosh Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs

45.  [courtesy of Gus]  Can you imagine the drama of the moment when this young kid, barely
     30, stood looking out at fishermen on the Galilee and the sight sparked an allegorical
     experience:  Not Fishermen, but Fishers of men.  Can you imagine the spark in that young
     man's face when that connection was made?  The humor and the enthusiasm that made
     him shout at them or respond to them when they shouted.  

46.  A representative of a fried chicken chain had an audience with the pope, and asked if he
     would change the Lord's Prayer for $5 million.  The specific change: replace "daily bread"
     with "daily chicken."  An annoyed pope asked the man to leave.  A month later, the offer
     was upped to $100 million, but again it was denied.  Several months passed and the rep
     made a final offer: $1 billion.  The pope said he'd discuss it with the cardinals.  Prefacing
     the request, the pope told the group that he had both good and bad news.  "The good
     news is we have a chance to make $1 billion," the pontiff said.  "The bad news is we may
     lose the Wonder Bread account."

47.  An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the
     Loch Ness monster.  In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. 
     Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.  As the man sailed head over heels, he cried
     out, "Oh my God!  Help me!"  At once the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as
     the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you
     didn't believe in me!"  "Come on, God, give me a break," the man pleaded.  "I didn't
     believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

48.  My pastor, Fr. Don Wolford, recounted one Pentecost Sunday about 5 years ago.  At the
     end of each Mass, Fr. Don processed out holding the lit Easter candle, as a symbol that
     Easter season was over.  He got through every single Mass without spilling a single drop
     of hot wax, including the 8th grade graduation Mass in the afternoon.  Just after the final
     procession, someone remarked on this, and Fr. Don replied something on the order of
     God being good to him that day.  During this, he unconciously leaned back a bit, and ALL
     the hot wax fell right on top of his head, plastering his hair.  He looked VERY strange for
     the 8th grade graduation pictures, and his sister spent two hours with an iron trying to get
     the wax out of his hair.  The vestments still haven't been cleaned!

49.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom]  All of us know what F.I.N.E. means.  Fouled up,
     Insecure, Neurotic, Emotionally unstable!

50.  [courtesy of Loren & Cathy Amdall]  When the end of the world arrives how will the
     media report it?

     1.        USA Today:          WE'RE DEAD
     2.        The Wall Street Journal:    DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
     3.        National Enquirer:             O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
     4.        Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
     5.        Victoria's Secret Catalog:    OUR FINAL SALE
     6.        Sports Illustrated:              GAME OVER
     7.        Wired:                               THE LAST NEW THING
     8.        Rolling Stone:                   THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
     9.        Readers Digest:                 'BYE
     10.       Discover Magazine:           HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE
          AS WE KNOW IT  AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
     11.       TV Guide:        DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
     12.       Lady's Home Journal:      LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR
          NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
     13.       America Online:      SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.  TRY CALLING
          BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
     14.       Inc. magazine:      TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE
          APOCALYPSE
     15.       Microsoft's Web Site:      IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
      DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
     16.       Sun:      ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

51.  [courtesy of George Baseheart]  "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

52.  Yet ANOTHER person has asked for my HUMOR file, so Brian just remarked that I am
     the "Good Humor lady".

53.  [courtesy of Doris A. Smith]  There is a a little known sidelight to the story of the woman
     taken in adultery.  After the Pharisees brought her before Jesus for judgment and he
     pronounced, "Let that person who is without sin cast the first stone", a stone was hurled
     from the crowd.  Christ looked up, frowned slightly, and said, "Do you mind, mother?  I
     am trying to make a point, here."

54.  [courtesy of Jim Walkup]  Lilly Tomlin asks the question: "Why is it when we talk to God
     it's called prayer but when God talks to us it's called psychotic?"

55.  [courtesy of Tom Lewis]  During the penitential rite, some respond morosely and with
     great angst "Lord have mercy".  I grew up in the South and we had a maid who, when
     something extraordinary would happen, would exclaim "Lord have MERCY!".  I much
     prefer her phraseology and have adopted it though I occasionally get odd looks from some
     of the other parishioners.

56.  [courtesy of Tom Lewis] Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline:  If you are
     obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.  If you are co-dependent, please ask
     someone to press 2.  If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.  If you
     are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.  If
     you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer. 
     If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Just stay on the line so we
     can trace the call.

57.  A man, fervently praying, asks God: "Lord, what can I do to get closer to you?"  Before
     long, he heard a voice say, "Hold your breath for twenty minutes.  That oughta do it."

58.  The pen is mightier than the sword - but only if it's a really BIG pen.

59.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom]  "If you have read this and have detected some errors in
     word usage or some mispelled words, please don't fret.  After all, some people out there
     always look for mistakes in anything they read or see and mistakes, errors or omissions
     were purposefully placed here for your benefit.  If you are one of those persons,
     congratulations if you spotted all of them.  Enjoy!"

60.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom]   
     1.   "Pobody's Nerfect!"
     2.   "Making misteaks at this newspaper is not aceptable."

61.  [courtesy of Michael G. Dunnington]   (Heard from a Roman Catholic friend of mine)
     Someone asked Pope John Paul II when he would approve the ordination of women; the
     Pope replied, "Not in my lifetime."  Sometime later, the Pope was praying and asked God,
     "When will there be another Polish Pope?"  God replied, "Not in my lifetime!"

62.  [courtesy of Michael G. Dunnington]  A recently retired Episcopal priest asked his wife
     about the beautiful wooden box she always kept in her dresser, but would never let him
     look into.  She said, "Well, OK, now that you're retired, go ahead and look."  He looked
     into the box and saw there four eggs and $5,000 in cash.  When he asked his wife for an
     explanation, she replied, "Well, whenever you preached a bad sermon, I put an egg into
     the box."  He thought to himself, "Well, that's not too bad -- just four eggs!"  So he asked
     her, "I understand about the eggs, but what about the $5,000?"  His wife replied,
     "Whenever I got a dozen, I sold them!"

63.  [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom]  We certainly learn alot from our children, don't we?  I
     recall  one evening in particular when the three of us were having a nice dinner in a large
     chain-style restaurant here in North Denver.  It was on a Friday evening and the place was
     jumping.  I'm sure you have been in a similar situation when everything is real noisy and all
     of a sudden, it's quiet.  I guess that's when everyone's catching their breath at the same
     time.

     Well, anyway, out of the blue, Harmoni looked at her mother and said, "Boy Mom, things
     are sure alot better around our house since Dad got aids, huh mom!"  Teresa, you could
     hear a pin drop in there.  People were all starting to stare at our table, when I jumped up
     on my chair and announced, "That's right, ladies and gentlemen (while pointing at both of
     my ears), "boomers in both ears - they're not Belltones, but they are both battery-powered
     and you're all coming in loud and clear!"  The place just roared!  People started clapping
     and laughing and even the dining room crew came around and presented me with a
     birthday cake with a sparkler on it to add to the festive mood (it wasn't my birthday!)! 

64.  [my husband found this one]  A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an
     electrical manfunction disabled all the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
     equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's 
     position and course to steer to the airport.  The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
     circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.  The pilot's sign
     said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
     aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.  Their sign said, "YOU ARE
     IN A HELICOPTER."   The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the
     course to steer, and returned safely to SEATAC airport.  After they were on the ground,
     the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped
     determine their position.  The pilot responded, "I knew that it had to be the MICROSOFT
     building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

65.  [my husband found these on the net]  Best Bumper Stickers:
     1.   TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
     2.   I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A
          VEGETARIAN.
     3.   YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN
          IDIOT
     4.   FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.
     5.   THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.
     6.   I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
     7.   IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
     8.   LOVE:  TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
     9.   ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
     10.  SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL
          THEM.
     11.  PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE.  VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
     12.  FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN
          SIGNAL.
     13.  WARNING:  DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
     14.  WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART."
     15.  MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
     16.  HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
     17.  ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
     18.  LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.
     19.  VERY FUNNY SCOTTY.  NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.
     20.  PURITANISM:  THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE
          MAY BE HAPPY.
     21.  CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
     22.  WE ARE MICROSOFT.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE
          ASSIMILATED.
     23.  3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO
          CAN'T.
     24.  WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?
     25.  EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
     26.  DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN
          FIND A ROCK.
     27.  I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH
          SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
     28.  "AUNTIE EM:  HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -
          DOROTHY
     29.  LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
     30.  IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE
          WITH MEAT?
     31.  Make certain that brain is engaged before placing mouth in gear. 

66.  [courtesy of Linda Hartley]  25 years ago back in my college days when I was living in a
     off-campus residence for women maintained by an order of nuns (my Jesuit college let
     guys live in the on-campus dorms but was too uptight to let the girls in the dorm too), a
     bunch of us moved some large (4 foot) statues of Mary and Joseph onto the hall couch
     and covered them up with a blanket.  [And we were all told that we were going straight to
     hell for doing it, too.]

67.  I just put a stew in the oven, which reminded me of our standard household recipe for
     "Bat Wing Stew" [hunch over, wiggle your eyebrows,  and talk like an old witch while
     you say this]: "There's eye of newt in there, tree mold, old lizard brains, and scales from a
     rancid sea serpent."  Eye of newt = peas, tree mold = mushrooms, and I'll let you guess
     the rest! [inspired by watching the movie "Neverending Story"]

68.  [courtesy of Judy Andrews]  A retreatant was enjoying Friday night dinner at the
     monastery.  They served fish and chips.  It was the best fish and chips he'd ever eaten so
     he asked the abbot if he could go out to the kitchen and thank the cook.  He was given
     permission and when he entered the kitchen he saw a man sitting there. He said, "Are you
     the fish fryer?"  Reply: "No, I'm the Chip Monk!" 

69.  "Do you believe in infant baptism?"  "Believe in it?  I've seen it DONE!"



70.       BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!
               THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, and tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of
people every year.  Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the
dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.  Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes
severe sweating and tissue damage.  Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte
imbalance.  For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

     Dihydrogen monoxide:
     * is the major component of acid rain.
     * contributes to the "greenhouse effect".
     * may cause severe burns.
     * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
     * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
     * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
     * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in
America today.  But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic
ice.  In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage.

     Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
     * as an industrial solvent and coolant.
     * in nuclear power plants.
     * in the production of Styrofoam.
     * as a fire retardant.
     * in many forms of cruel animal research.
     * in the distribution of pesticides.  Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by
this chemical.
     * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them
because this practice is still legal.  The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to
ignore it any longer!

     THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging
chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation."  In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations.  Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network.  Many store
large quantities for later use.

     IT'S NOT TOO LATE

Act NOW to prevent further contamination.  Find out more about this dangerous chemical.  What
you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.  Send e-mail to
no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:
     Coalition to Ban DHMO
     211 Pearl St.
     Santa Cruz, CA 95060




71.  Chris Brey is a seminarian who spent the summer at our parish.  Yesterday he was
     ordained a permanent deacon.  One of the duties/privileges of a deacon is to say "The
     Mass is ended.  Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord." at the end of Mass.  Yesterday,
     Chris jumped right in, but the Bishop wasn't quite through.  Chris: "The Mass is ended - " 
     Bishop: "No it isn't."  Everyone cracked up.

72.  [courtesy of Doris Smith] From Rumer Godden's **In This House of Brede**:

     'Weren't you surprised that God should have chosen you?' a young woman reporter,
     writing a piece on vocations, had asked her.  'Yes,'  Dame Perpetua had answered, 'but not
     nearly as surprised as that he should have chosen some of the others  -- but then God's not
     as fastidious as we are,' said Dame Perpetua.

73.  [courtesy of Jane Halsey]  What did the Buddhist say to the pizza chef?  Make me one
     with everything.

74.  Here are just a FEW of the good parts of Barbara Johnson's "I'm So Glad You Told Me
     What I Didn't Wanna Hear".  This is one FANTASTIC book, in paperback, and I guess
     I'll be buying several copies as Christmas presents.
     1.   The truth will set you free .... but first it will make you miserable.
     2.   Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most.
     3.   I thought I had a handle on life, but then it fell off.
     4.   I'd like to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
     5.   One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into full hysteria.
     6.   Mental floss regularly with God's Word to avoid truth decay.
     7.   Warning!  Humor may be hazardous to your depression!
     8.   When I die, I want to die peacefully, like my grandfather did, in his sleep ... not
          screaming, like the passengers in his car!
     9.   You and Job have so much in common ... henceforth you will be called Jobella!
     10.  You've heard about the Twelve-Step program, but have you ever heard about the
          ONE-Step program?  "WHAM!  Get over it!"
     11.  The secret of dealing successfully with a child ... is NOT to be his parent!
     12.  I'm lost.  I've gone to look for myself.  If I should return before I get back, please
          ask me to wait.
     13.  God loves me so much that He will accept me just as I am ... but He loves me too
          much to leave me that way!
     14.  I know these trials are supposed to make me strong - but I'm not sure I WANT to
          be a SAMSON!
     15.  Blessed are they that have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.
     16.  Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
     17.  If you tied jellied toast to the back of a cat and dropped the cat from the roof,
          would the toast land jelly-side down, or would the cat land on its feet?
     18.  Can it be an accident that STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards?

75.  From Spider Robinson's "Callahan's Legacy" [not ALL the verses]:
     
     God has a sense of humor, but it's often rather crude
     What He thinks is a howler, you or I would say is rude
     But cursing Him is not a real productive attitude
     Just laugh - you might as well, my friend,
     'Cause either way you're screwed
          I know: it sounds so simple, and it's so hard to do
          To laugh when the joke's on you.
     ....
     It can be hard to force a smile, as you get along in years
     It isn't easy laughin at your deepest secret fears
     But try to find your funny bone, and have a couple beers:
     If it don't come out in laughter, man, it's comin out in tears
          I said it sounds so simple, and it's so hard to do
          To laugh when the joke's on you.

76.  Excerpt from Spider Robinson's "Callahan's Legacy":

     We had even had a brief spell of weather indoors: at about nine o'clock one of the very
     few tornadoes in Long Island's history had suddenly sprung up out of nowhere and lifted
     the roof clear off the place, neat as you please, and scaled it away into the night like a
     Frisbee.  The noise and suddenness of the roof's departure startled us a bit, naturally (Doc
     Webster, though, rising to the occasion as he so often does, glanced up nonchalantly and
     said, raising his voice over the howling wind, "A Gable roof, I see - gone with the wind."),
     and there can't be many sights sillier than a roomful of people gaping up at rain falling on
     their faces... we simply covered our drinks with our hands to prevent their dilution and
     waited it out.  Sure enough, another roof came along in a few minutes.  It was a good
     enough fit, and apparently it arrived with all its nails bristling because it installed itself with
     a solidity that we could hear and feel was reliable.  Indeed, it turned out to be slightly
     BETTER than the roof I'd traded for it ...

77.  Excerpts from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love":
     1.   There is no conclusive evidence of life after death.  But there is no evidence of any
          sort against it.  Soon enough you will KNOW.  So why fret about it?
     2.   Delusions are often functional.  A mother's opinions about her children's beauty,
          intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseum, keep her from drowning them at
          birth.
     3.   It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
     4.   If you don't like yourself, you CAN'T like other people.
     5.   Your enemy is never a villian in his own eyes.  Keep this in mind; it may offer a
          way to make him your friend.  If not, you can kill him without hate - and quickly.
     6.   An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
     7.   The more you love, the more you CAN love - and the more intensely you love. 
          Nor is there any limit on how MANY you can love.  If a person had time enough,
          he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.
     8.   Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of - but do it in private and
          wash your hands afterwards.
     9.   Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
     10.  In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once!
     11.  "God split himself into a myriad of parts that he might have friends."
     12.  Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss.
     13.  Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.  For a
          first offense, that is.
     14.  Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
     15.  A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

78.  Yet another good part from Spider Robinson's "Callahan's Legacy":  There is something
     fundamentally satisfying about folding a hundred-dollar bill into a paper airplane and then
     sailing it gracefully into a large fire.

79.  Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased. --- Spider Robinson.

80.  And another good part from Spider Robinson's "Callahan's Legacy": "Puns on cars, eh?"
     the Doc said thoughtfully.  "Hey, you can't exhaust that one: there are manifold puns on a
     topic like that.  Wheel never use it up.  It's universal: you just put your mind in gear, and
     as long as you don't clutch up, the transmission of standard puns becomes automatic."
     [this actually continues for a FULL page, but I'll spare you the rest.]

81.  [courtesy of Helen Jenner]  I am reminded of the story about a group of English clergy
     who all had problems with bats in their churches. The first clergy person said he had tried
     putting up baits, but that bats seemed to enjoy them and were not the least deterred. The
     second said that they held a prayer meeting, but the bats didn't repond. The third said,"I
     found out how to deal with them. I baptized them and had them confirmed and they've
     never been seen since."  A fourth clergyman later reported "I've tried this with bats,
     cockroaches, mice, starlings and crows in one of my churches.  Unfortunately it isn't 100%
     surefire successful. 1 bat, 2 cockroaches, 3 mice, a starling and a crow have returned in
     their middle age, complete with their families.  I'll have to talk to the Bishop about another
     Confirmation."

82.  Brian found these posted on another list service:
     1.   I think animal testing is a terrible idea;  they get all nervous and give the wrong
          answers.    -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
     2.   A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
     3.   The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,  involved in
          many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the
          "Four F's": 1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3. feeding; and  4. mating.  -- Psychology
          professor in neuropsychology intro course
     4.   What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the
          unnecessary.    -- Richard Harkness,  The New York Times, 1960
     5.   Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations
          in Chicago...we're one of them."
     6.   With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer
          to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some
          misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.  -- Ransom K.
          Ferm
     7.   Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
     8.   Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
          correct screw.
     9.   The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
          The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
          The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
          The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
     10.  Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of
          training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the
          history of the world. -- Dave Barry
     11.  I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;  I am a vegetarian because I hate
          plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown
     12.  A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their
          prejudices.  -- William James
     13.  Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down
          the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum
     14.  We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and
          stop there;  lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never
          sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well;  but also she will never sit
          down on a cold one anymore.    -- Mark Twain
     15.  There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the streets? --
          Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
     16.  If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
          will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on
          base. -- Dave Barry
     17.  I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole
          accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their
          residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
          dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of the Limerick Times
          (Limerick, Ireland)
     18.  When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
     19.  Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your triumphs or how
          tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
     20.  668: The Neighbor of the Beast
     21.  Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.  -- Emo
          Phillips
     22.  Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
     23.  Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you
          make it again.  -- F. P. Jones
     24.  Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
          experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
          -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_
     25.  As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you
          understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.  What's
          important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan
          Attorney
     26.  When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the
          audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of
          the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"  -- Quentin Crisp
     27.  Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations,
          separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. --
          Ambrose Bierce,  The Devil's  Dictionary
     28.  I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told
          that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. 
          I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!  -- Monty Python
     29.  May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George
          Carlin
     30.  Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
     31.  Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
          inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy
     32.  Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I
          disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
     33.  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh
          Brilliant
     34.  Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
     35.  Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
     36.  Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
     37.  Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
          Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
          1.   Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 
          2.   Advising the President.
          3.   Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
                              --David Letterman
     38.  Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will
          die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends,
          sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
     39.  For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
          taper off.  -- Johnny Carson
     40.  I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game
          five.  -- Charles Barkley
     41.  My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized
          that I had no character.  -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim
          herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
     42.  The most important thing in the programming language is the name.  A language
          will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name
          and now I am looking for a suitable language.  -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
     43.  A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
          it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the
          August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive
          maintenance
     44.  An Animated Cartoon Theology:
>       1. People are animals.
>       2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 
>       3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
>       4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned,
>          bombed, and plucked for music.
>       5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by
>          their own cunning.
>       6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed
>          by their own momentum.
>       7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion
>          supports us.
>                 -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
     45.  Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I
          repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
     46.  Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how
          hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper
          supposed to be in the front?
     47.  On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I
          deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but
          unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
     48.  The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number
          of legs.  -- E. Grebenik
     49.  Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
     50.  Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.  -- Old
          Farmer's Almanac
     51.  G:   "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
          EB:  "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter
          oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
     52.  The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch
     53.  Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"  Then a
          voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown,
          _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
     54.  The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador
          Dali
     55.  What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child
          and the feeble mentality of the average  adult.    -- Sigmund Freud
     56.  I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
          always worked for me.  -- Hunter S. Thompson
     57.  Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain
     58.  "Time's fun when you're having flies."  -- Kermit the Frog

83.  [courtesy of  Mark Whiting] These following expressions to God have been collected from
     children around the world, they are those beliefs, desires, questions, and doubts that are
     urgent and common to all children.  They are full of hope and trust to God, with the
     spelling and grammar have not been corrected.....for what they say they say better as they 
     are.
===================================================
Dear God,
Can you really do everything ? I wish I could to.
Marvin

"Bless my mommy and daddy....and dear God, take good care of yourself.
If anything happens to you, we're sunk."

Dear God,
I love you because you are so good. I try to be good like you. I am good
to all people. My mother and father. And two sisters. It must be fun to
be God and have everybody love you.
Yours sincerely, Thomas.

Dear God,
I saw Saint Patrick church last week when we went to New York. You live
in a nice house.
Frank.

Dear God,
Last week it rained three days. We thought it would be like Noah's ark.
But it wasn't. I'm glad because you could only take two of things,
remember,  and we have three cats.
Goodbye now, Donna.

Dear God, Are you real ?
Some people don't not believe it. If you are you better do something
quick.
Harriet Ann.

Dear God,
When you wrote the bible you made up all the words and spelled them the
way you like. That is great.
Most of the time I do it like that, but I am not doing so good.
Ron.

Dear God,
Did you have as much trouble learning Hebrew as I am ? Are there any easy
ways to do it ? I know you talk English too so, I am writing in English.
Respectfully, Jerome.

Dear Mr. God,
How do you feel about people who don't believe in you ? Somebody else
wants to know.
A friend, Neil.

Dear God,
Are boys better than girls. I know you are one but try to be fair.
Sylvia.

Dear God,
If you do all these things you are pretty busy. Now here is my question.
When is the best time I can talk to you. I know you are always listening
but when will you be listening hard in Troy, New york.
Sincerly yours, Allen.

Dear God,
What is it like when you die. Nobody will tell me. I just want to know, I
don't want to do it.
Your friend, Mike.

Dear God,
My name is Robert. I want a baby brother. My mother said to ask my
father. My father said to ask you. Do you think you can do it. Good luck,
Robert.

Dear God,
My little brother is four years old. I wish you could please get him to
stop driving me crazy. Your friend Mark age 7 1/2.

Dear God,
My teacher read us the part where all the jews went through where the
water was and got away. Keep up the good work. I am Jewish.
Love, Paula.

Dear God,
I am the only one in my class who is Chinese. They all say that you are
american but, I am too, so you could be Chinese right ?
Your friend, Kim.

Dear God,
Do you get your angels to do all the work ? Mommy says we are her angels
and we have to do everything.
Love, Maria.

Dear God,
Are you as big as the whole sky and as strong as the whole world ? That's
a good thing.
Very much, Dean.

Dear God,
My friend Arthur says you make all the flowers. I don't believe it.
Best wishes, Benjamin.

To god Dear sir.
The reason I am writing is this. My mommy and I are going to spend Easter
with my Aunt Bea. My daddy can't come. We are supposed to fly but my
mommy is scared to go. Maybe you better come with us. Morton.

Dear God,
count me in.
Your friend, Herbie.

Dear God, your nice.
Your friend, Allen.

=============================

84.  [From "Why Not Be a Mystic?" by Frank X. Tuoti] Toward the end of his rich and
     productive life, Jung was interviewed by the BBC.  The interviewer asked: "Dr. Jung, you
     are the son of a Protestant minister.  Do you still believe in God?"  Jung calmly took a
     long puff from his curled pipe and replied: "No."  One could almost hear a collective gasp
     among the TV viewing audience.  Jung paused again, taking a long draught from his pipe. 
     Quite matter of factly he added: "I know."

85.  [I found this image to be amusing.  It is from "Last of the Soft Things", by s.c. virtes] As a
     child he had wanted to be an astronaut, like all the other kids, but after way too much
     school, the National Astronaut Waiting List was 10,000 pages long and there hadn't been
     a mission in years.  So he had to swallow his pride and get a real job.  The first few years
     were rough, and he ended up living off of his doctoral thesis, which wasn't so bad with
     milk and strawberries on it.  He always thought of it as corn flakes with little letters typed
     on the back.

86.  Learn from the mistakes of others - you can never live long enough to make them all
     yourself.

87.  Good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do
     today.

88.  A young sentry, on guard duty for the first time, had orders not to admit any car unless it
     had a special identification seal.. The first unmarked car the sentry stopped contained a
     general.  When the officer told his driver to go right on through, the sentry politely said,
     "I'm new at this, sir.  Who do I shoot first, you or the driver?"

89.  God gave us two ears but only one mouth.  Some people say that's because He wanted us
     to spend twice as much time listening as talking.  Others claim it's because He knew
     listening was twice as hard as talking.

90.  An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and overheard her
     repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.  "What on earth are you up to?" he
     asked.  "I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl.  "But I can't think of exactly the
     right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters.  God will put them together for me,
     because He knows what I'm thinking."

91.  [Brian found this one on another list service] An Impatient Letter to All of Us From God
From: GOD
To: My Children on Earth
RE Idiotic Religious

My Dear Children (and believe me, that's all of you), I consider myself a pretty patient guy. I
mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution?
Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place, cell by cell, and
gene by gene. I've been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the
countless ways you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.

But on this occasion of My Son's birthday, I want to let you know about some of the things that
are starting to tick me off.  First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough
already! Let's get one thing straight. These are YOUR religions, not Mine. I'm the whole
enchilada; I'm beyond them all. Every one of your religions claims there's only one of Me (which
by the way, is absolutely true). But in the very next breath, each religion claims it's My favourite
one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all the other bible's are
man-made. Oh Me. How do I even begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

Okay, listen up now. I'm your Father AND Mother, and I don't play favourites among My
children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always
been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bible's, were written by men
and women. There were inspired, remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there.
I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word more than your own living
heart.

You see, one human being to me -- even a bum on the street -- is worth more than all the Holy
Books in the world. That's just the kind of guy I am. My Spirit is not an historical thing, it alive
right here, right now, as fresh as your next breath.

Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but not more so than the least of you.
They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other,
and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your
religions to stick up for Me or win souls; for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favours. I can
stand quite well on my own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me, and I don't need constant
credit. I just want you to be good to each other.

And another thing: I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name
into your dramas. For example, I swear to Me that I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode
in any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royces. I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I've never
EVER had a conversation with Jim Baker, Jerry Falwell, or Jimmy Swaggart! Of course,
come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to...

The thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of loyalty pledge to Me. The true
purpose of your religions is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way
around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you
with no strings attached. Lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion is best for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your
Scriptures and say, Well, if THIS is the truth, then THAT can't be But instead of trying to figure
out My Paradoxes and Unfathomable Nature--which by the way, you NEVER will--why not open
your hearts to the simple common threads in every religion?

You know what I'm talking about: Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or
confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I am always with you. Learn how to be quiet,
so you can hear My still, small voice (I don't like to shout). Leave the world a better place by
living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My Own Child. Hold back nothing
from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't
worry, be happy (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but who do you think gave it to him
in the first place?)

Simple stuff. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an
excuse to be upset. And I'm very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether
you call me Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Wakantonka, Brahma, Father, Mother or even the Void of
Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My special children you feel closest to--Jesus, Mary,
Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? You can call Me and My Special Ones
any name you choose, if only you would go about My business of loving one another as I love
you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple? 

I'm not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions, honour them, learn from them,
just as you should enjoy, honour, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling
everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always
have the most special place in your heart; I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine
all the Great Traditions in One Big Mess. Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique
style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children--the ones that
your religions revolve around--all live in the same place (My heart) and they get along perfectly,
I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries
and confusion. The whole planet is connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax
machines, rock concerts, diseases, and mutual needs and concerns. Get with the program! If you
really want to help Me celebrate the birthday of My Son Jesus, then commit yourselves to
figuring out how to feed your hungry, clothe your naked, protect your abused, and shelter your
poor. And just as importantly, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and
good humour. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each
other and begin living, loving, and laughing together.

Finally, My Children everywhere, remember whose birth is honoured on December 25th, and the
fearlessness with which He chose to live and die. As I love Him, so do I love each one of you. I'm
not really ticked off, I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I
gave you free will, so what can I do now other than to try to influence you through reason,
persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? After all, I AM the original Jewish
Mother. I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the Dark.

I really Am, indeed, I swear, with you always. Always. Trust in Me. 
 
Your One and Only,
God
=================================================
92.  The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills.  It was labeled: Due Unto Others.

93.  Seen at a construction site at Grace United in Lamont, Iowa: Pardon Our Metho-dust!

94.  Slogan for a church stewardship campaign: A Penny for Your Oughts.

95.  A man should live forever... or die trying.

96.  [From "A Voice Is Heard In Ramah ...", by Spider Robinson] The Middle East finally
     achieved a kind of uneasy stability,  Israel and the Pan-Arabian nations maintaining a
     fragile truce.  Then one day the Arabian ambassador to Israel, Opinh Bom Bay, chanced to
     spy a carousel in the market place and, being intrigued by this Westernish recreation,
     decided to try it.  Being a neophyte, he became extremely dizzy, dismounted from his
     wooden steed with great difficulty, and reeled out of the square.  A Chinese shepherd
     called Ewe Hu was passing through Jerusalem at that time with three fine sheep, and Bom
     Bay staggered into their midst.  The middle sheep promptly ate him.  Horrific visions of
     the war that would inevitably ensue racing through his mind, Ewe Hu flung up his hands
     and cried, "Middle lamb, you've had a dizzy Bey!' "

97.  Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change, and when we are right, make us
     easy to live with. -- Peter Marshall.

98.  Work for the Lord.  The pay isn't much, but His retirement plan is out of this world!

99.  The only people you should get even with are those who helped you.

100. [From "Fivesight", by Spider Robinson] "This happened to me just last week.  I went into
     the city for a party, and I left it too late, and it was the WRONG neighborhood of New
     York for a civilian to be in at that time of night, right?  A dreadful error!  Never been so
     scared in my life.  I'm walking on tippy-toe, looking in every doorway I pass and trying to
     look insolvent, and the burning question in my mind is, 'Are the crosstown buses still
     running?'  Because if they are, I can catch one a block away that'll take me to bright lights
     and safety - but I've forgotten how late the crosstown bus keeps running in this part of
     town.  It's my only hope.  I keep on walking, scared as hell.  And when I get to the bus
     stop, there, leaning up against a mailbox, is the biggest, meanest-looking, ugliest, blackest
     man I have ever seen in my life.  Head shaved, three day's worth of beard, big scar on his
     face, hands in his pockets.... So the essential thing is not to let them know you're scared. 
     I put a big grin on my face, and I walk right up to him and I stammer, 'Uh ... crosstown
     buses run all night long?'  And the fella goes ..."  Tommy mimed a ferocious-looking giant
     with his hands in his pockets.  Then suddenly he yanked them out, clapped them
     rhythmically, and sang: "DOO-dah, DOO-dah!"  [to the tune of "Camptown Ladies"]