HUMOR200 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at   CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

101. Does a skinny ballerina wear a one-one?

102. [From the end of a speech given by Spider Robinson] In closing, I would like to thank you
     for your attention.  But your at-ease was disgraceful, and your parade-rest was barely
     better than parading around UNDrest.  I hope we don't fall out over this, I'm rather
     sensitive about face, and I'm certain that eyes right.  Nonetheless I love you all.  Let's go
     somewhere else and put on even funnier clothes than these and have a good time.

103. The evolutionary forebears of all the poisonous snakes now living were a pair of adders
     who managed to book passage with Noah during the Flood.  They were not permitted
     aboard the Ark itself, however.  The little dinghy full of skunks traditionally seen trailing
     from the stern of the Ark in cartoons was in fact one of a whole flotilla of makeshift rafts
     on which animals noxious to man were towed to Ararat.  The one the snakes drew was a
     crude table carved from a single, massive log.  It perfectly suited their dimensions, of
     course, but its enforced restriction of position had an inevitable consequence.  On the third
     day of the voyage, Noah, who was teaching a mathematics class on the fantail to alleviate
     shipboard ennui, noticed that a number of his students were not paying attention; they
     kept glancing furtively over the stern and giggling.  Noah soon spied the source of their
     amusement: the two snakes were making enthusiastic and acrobatic love.  "There, you
     see?" cried Noah, seizing a chance to underscore a lesson.  "Even adders can multiply on a
     log table!"

104. Running Nose, the toughest Indian in the tribe, showed up for sick call at the medicine
     man's tent, complaining of persistent diarrhea.  Leaping Fees, the withered shaman, gave
     him a single strip of rawhide by way of prescription.  "Bite an inch off this each day," he
     intoned.  "Chew it well and swallow.  The hide is cured; you will be too.  That'll be three
     buffaloes."  Nose went away well pleased, although three buffaloes cleaned him out.  But
     a week later he returned in a Fury (or perhaps it was a Corvair...), one hand on his belly
     and the other on his tomahawk.  Plainly, Running Nose was still running.  Leaping Fees
     sat down at once and began to sing his death song.  And its first line was "The thong is
     ended/but the malady lingers on..."

105. And in the Silly Weapons category, we have found the following:
     a.   The Bullista: a weapon of admittedly limited range which attempted to sow
          confusion among the enemy by firing live cows into their midst, placing them upon
          a dilemma of the horns.  (Also called the Cattling Gun.)
     b.   The Arbalust: a modification of the bullista, which sought to demoralize and
          distract the enemy with pornographic pictures and literature - yet another dilemma
          of the horns.
     c.   The Blunderbus: a hunter-seeker weapon which destroys the steering box in
          surface mass transit.
     d.   The Guided Missal: originally developed as a specific deterrent to the Arbalust; as,
          however, it is hellishly more destructive, its use is now restricted by international
          convention to Sundays.

106. Here are just a FEW of the good parts of Barbara Johnson's "Mama, Get the Hammer! 
     There's a Fly on Papa's Head!":
     a.   Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.
     b.   I know a little suffering is good for the soul, but somebody must be trying to make
          a saint out of me!
     c.   Babies and other hazards of sex: how to make a tiny person in nine months with
          tools you probably have around the house.
     d.   Laughter is like premium gasoline: it helps take the knock out of living!
     e.   A bird in the hand will poop in your palm.
     f.   I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
     g.   If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone else in mind to
          blame.
     h.   Into each life a little rain must fall... but we could use a little less snow.
     i.   I tried relaxing, but I don't know ... I feel more comfortable being tense.
     j.   When you're in a jam, good friends will bring you bread with peanut butter on it.
     k.   Relax!  You are NOT responsible for everything in the universe.  That's still MY
          job.  Love, God.
     l.   We've been through so much together, and most of it was YOUR fault.
     m.   Some folks cause happiness wherever they go, others WHENever they go.
     n.   Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
     o.   Due to the current budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned
          off until further notice.

107. [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom] "Why my HP never received tenure at any University"        
        
     He had only one major publication.  It was in Hebrew.  It had no references.  It wasn't
     published in a referred journal.  Some doubt He wrote it Himself. He may have created the
     world, but some say, "What has He done since?"  The scientific community can't replicate
     His results.  He never got permission from the ethics board to use human  subjects.  When
     one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.  He rarely
     came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."  Some say He had His son teach
     the class.  He expelled His first two students. His office hours were irregular and
     sometimes held on a mountain top. Although there were only ten requirements . . . most
     students failed.

108. [courtesy of Helen Jenner]  The following humor is taken from Connections (a preaching
     resource published by Media Works of Londonberry, N.H.)  

     Brother Andrew, a monk all of his adult life, was responsible for training young monks in
     the art of hand-lettering and copying the Sacred Writings.  One day a novice monk asked
     Brother Andrew if anyone had ever made a mistake.

     "Oh, no!"  Brother Andrew assured his young confrere.  "These words have been correctly
     copied from generation to generation."  Skeptical, the young monk asked Brother Andrew
     how he knew. 

     "Let me get you the first volume ever written."  Brother Andrew said, "and you will see
     that it is just as correct today as it was then."

     Many hours passed, but Brother Andrew had not returned.  The novice decided he had
     better check on the elderly monk.  When he reached the monastery library, the novice saw
     Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his weathered
     cheeks.  "Brother Andrew, is everything all right?"

     Brother Andrew looked up from the old manuscript.  "I can't believe it," the old monk
     said, his voice quivering with emotion.  "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"

109. [courtesy of "Doc" E Karlbom, who was suffering from chapped lips at the time] 
     Q.  What did the cow say when it had a giant case of chapped lips?
     A.  "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

     Q.  How can you tell when your dog has a case of chapped lips?
     A.   When it goes . . . "Ark . . . Ark!"

110. [Brian found this one from Ontario] The Early Reindeer Retirement Press Release

     The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer
     retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be
     replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

     Streamlining was appropriate in the view of the reality that the North Pole no longer
     dominates the season's gift distribution business.  Home shopping channels and mail order
     catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and they could not sit idly by and permit
     further erosion of the profit picture.  After all the WWW is here to stay!!!

     The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
     sled for the CEO's annual trip.  Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who
     summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack
     with no discernable loss of service.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
     environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable
     press.

     I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.  Tradition
     still counts for something at the North Pole.  Management denies, in the strongest possible
     language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
     substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his
     fair share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
     taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under excessive stress.

     As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to
     look for better, more competitive steps.  Effective immediately, the following economy
     measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

     1.  The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop
     forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in
     maintenance.

     2.  The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.  In
     addition their romance during working hours could not be condoned.  The positions are
     therefore eliminated.

     3.  The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves the French.

     4.  The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call
     waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
     how often and how long they talked.

     5.  The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.  Maintaining a
     portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
     investors.  Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high
     technology stocks appear to be in order.

     6.  The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.  It has
     long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the
     decline in productivity.  Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
     procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will
     be a good one.

     7.  The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.  The
     function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on order.  The current swans will
     be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

     8.  As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the
     EEOC.  A male/female balance in the work force is being sought.  The more militant
     maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process
     may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

     9.  Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will be phased out
     as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

     10.  Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high costs of Lords plus the expense of
     international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this
     group with ten out-of-work members of parliament.  While leaping ability may be
     somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
     unemployed members of parliament this year.

     11.  Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the getting
     too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
     produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

     We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other
     expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
     is inefficient.  If we can drop shipping to one day, service level will be improved.

     Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the
     legal profession (thirteen lawyer-a-suing), action is pending.

     Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to
     stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will request management scrutinize the
     Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

111. [courtesy of Judy Andrews]  These are from NCR's sic column a while back:
     a.   "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." 
     b.   "If you can't get the work done in the first 24 hours, work nights." 
     c.   "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." 
     d.   "Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before." 
     e.   "A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn." 
     f.   "Always remember to pillage before you burn."
     g.   "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
          man can see better than he can think." 
     h.   "A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to &@!* and make you feel happy
          to be on your way." 
     i.   "Law of probability dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
          distributed." 
     j.   "The first 90 percent of a project takes 90 percent of the time, and the last 10
          percent takes the other 90 percent of the time."

112. [Brian found this on another list service] GoodTimes Email Virus FAQ:

     Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that
     are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so
     all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw
     up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's
     you try to play.

     It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your
     fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's
     company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants
     and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

     Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about
     circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while
     dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your
     Discover card. 

     It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of
     Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

     It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog.
     It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and
     subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of
     mauve.

     Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a
     batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while
     it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

     Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.  It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am
     sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If
     anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will B*L*E*E*P
     [you really DON'T want to know what the guy said he would do - and the virus really is a
     hoax]

113. [courtesy of Jeannette] Q. What's a Catholic's second worst fear?  A. That s/he has died,
     is standing before the pearly gates and Mother Teresa is in front of her/him.
     Q. What's a Catholic's worst fear? A. S/he overhears St. Peter saying to Mother Teresa,
     "haven't you done more than that?"

114. [Brian found this on the net] The Twelve Days Of Christmas For The Politically Correct

     On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in
     a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me ...

     TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

     ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good
     standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though
     they will not be asked to play a note),

     TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system
     leaping,

     NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

     EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved
     Bovine-Americans,

     SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

     SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

     FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: 
     after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my
     computer, the calling birds, French  hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their
     native habitat.  To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift
     package has  been revised.)

     FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

     THREE deconstructionist poets,

     TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,

     AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.


115. [Found this one on the net myself] Alchemical Research Center: How to think without
     using your mind

     ARC believes that all paths lead to the top of the mountain. However there is no mountain
     to those travelling in the opposite direction. We do not accept beginners or the spiritually
     advanced. Please try and keep an open mind so that we can fill it. Please note that anyone
     wishing to engage in our studies will have to be certified by an existing member. 

     ARC is not affiliated to any body registered or unregistered and any mind states achieved
     by ARC techniques are not the responsibility of practitioners.  All ARC teachings are
     based on ignorance. What you do not know may harm you. By keeping people informed
     we hope to make them independent, able people. Of course we offer the opposite service
     for those who prefer this. We can not be held responsible for anything that coincides with
     any belief, disbelief or reality. All ARC teachings are based on genuine esoteric teachings
     some of which are so secret even we don't know what they are! All our knowledge is a
     complete amalgamation of anything that takes our fancy. We expect complete obedience
     and a suspension of 'common sense'.  Progress is assured but can not be guaranteed.

     Due to the unchanging planetary influences ARC is offering the following information.
     Those interested in joining our course of studies please contact the above:

     As a member of the OC cult, ARC is a highly disorganised fragmented group that remains
     hidden because the cold light of day is too strong for its ridiculous pretensions. It has
     therefore decided to be more open.

     Gurus,  Adepts, Masters and other assorted light bringers are unable to help ARC
     members due to their deplorable lack of spiritual insight. However ARC is making
     considerable progress in completely the wrong direction.

     Real enlightenment is such a rarity some people would rather believe that it is a myth.
     ARC is happy to remove such additions.

     ARC is pleased to announce its new course of studies which started two centuries ago.
     Those attending will be more than welcome elsewhere.
     
     ARC would offer the following advice:
     
     1. Hold onto your wallet
     2. Hold onto common sense
     3. Let go of progress - aim for simplicity
     4. Things that make you more [e.g.. more compassionate, more loving]
          are adding good on bad
     Things that make you less [less gullible, less contrived, less certain]
          are driving you to the source
     5. ARC is always wrong.

     ARC is holding the following courses in the new year none of which will be available:

     1. Being in the wrong place at the right time (averting disaster for beginners)
     2. New Age Thinking - when will it start?
     3. Complimentary Medicine - why is it not free?
     4. Spiritual practise - when will they get it right?
     5. Non addictive meditation techniques
     
     ARC is pleased to offer these services. A small donation is normally given - if we can
     afford it.

Also:
     1. How to communicate with dead people
     2. Crop circles; Have they had their weetabix
     3. Mental illness as complimentary psychiatry
     4. Was the CIA involved in espionage
     5. Thinking for yourself; we point out the dangers

Advanced courses:

     1.  Becoming enlightened the only way (constant awareness, self discipline and years of effort)
     2.  The teachings of alchemy encrypted
     3.  Closing chakras, killing the kundalini serpent power and reversing the enlightenment
process
     4.  How to think without using your mind
     5.  How to exorcise the Holy Ghost and other benign spirits.
     6.  Truth and how to avoid it. Self deception as a form of happiness
     7.  How to worship inanimate and animate objects including goats, vegetation and sculpture
     8.  Why sitting around all day is a form of meditation
     9   How to develop occult powers to prove your advanced status
     10. How to mystify people by knowing things they do not
     11. Satori can it cure everything?
     12. Part time mysticism and spiritual paths of your choice
     13. Powerful techniques taught at complete random
     14. Recognising a teacher by behaviour and other superficialities
     
Introduction courses:

     1.  How to ignore science and progress. What do they really know anyway?
     2.  How to interpret anything to your point of view
     3.  Magic and confused thinking, we refuse to differentiate
     4.  Becoming enlightened the quick way (believe the impossible, do the ridiculous, total self
absorption in ten minutes a day)
     5.  How dangerous is common sense? How many mountains has faith actually moved?
     6.  Things you do need like a whole in the head  (trepanning holes resealed)
     7.  Brainwashing for beginners - how to have a really clean mind
     8.  Why the best Guru is a dead Guru
     9.  Selling your soul? We tell you how to get the best price
     10. Is Lucifer redeemable? Missionary work in Hell
     11. Free Freemasonry? How much does it cost? How much does it pay?
     12. Atheistic spirituality for Agnostics, Gnostics and Biscuits

Lectures:

     1.  Physical projection (similar to astral travelling but the mind stays and the body leaves)
     2.  Immortality for beginners, how to fly, become invisible etc.
     3.  Why the Buddha never went back to his wife and child (how enlightened was he really?)
     4.  Was Jesus really a carpenter? (did he ever make a table?)
     5.  How to have visions without drugs or psychiatric repercussions
     6.  Is Freemasonry compatible with veganism?
     7.  Conspiracy theories - how to join them
     8.  Anti-gravity, time machines and how to build a Golem
     9.  How thinking can improve your mind. How to think without a mind
     10. Ritual magic for a sense of the dramatic 
     11. Advanced forms of diet from frutarian to breatherian to living on moon beams
     12. Getting high on meditation and how to deal with withdrawal
     13. How to create overlays and ignore underlying causalities


Practical courses:

     1. Orgasmic telepathy and occult power
     2. Having sex with your ego
     3. Esoteric materialism
     4. Harnessing deviancy
     5. Unreality as a way to truth

News
     
     1. Crazy wisdom is it curable?
     2. Alien abductions, we provide the ransom note
     3. The Akashic record finally available on CD
     4. Pint of milk swallows statue

none of this is available at:
Alchemical Research Center
http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/town/place/vv60/


116. From "Splashes of Joy in the Cesspool of Life" by Barbara Johnson:
     a.   Smile!  It kills time between disasters.
     b.   An optimist looks at an oyster and expects to find a pearl.  A pessimist looks at an
          oyster and expects ptomaine poisoning.
     c.   A pessimist is someone who feels bad when she feels good for fear she will feel
          worse when she feels better.
     d.   Can this really be my life or has there been some mistake?
     e.   We are always in the forge, or on the anvil; by trials God is shaping us for higher
          things.
     f.   Wherever I go, there I am.
     g.   I used to be apathetic.  Now I just don't care!
     h.   Cheer up!  Tomorrow will be different.... not better, just different!
     i.   Don't lose your head in the battle... you won't have any place to put your helmet.
     j.   These days it takes nerves of steel just to be neurotic.
     k.   When I woke up this morning I had one nerve left... and now you're getting on it!
     l.   There will be no crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
     m.   I try to take just one day at a time... but lately several days have attacked me at
          once.
     n.   School days can be the happiest days of your life... providing the children are old
          enough to go.
     o.   O Lord, let my words be tender and sweet, for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
     p.   Due to the shortage of trained trumpeters, the end of the world will be postponed
          three months.

117. From "Splashes of Joy in the Cesspool of Life" by Barbara Johnson

     A freshman entering a Bible college was asked what part of the Bible he liked best.
     "Well, I like the New Testament best," he answered.
     "What book in the New Testament do you like?" the interviewer wanted to know.
     "Oh, by far, I like the Book of Parables best," the freshman replied.
     "Would you kindly relate one of those parables to me?" the interviewer asked.
     The freshman complied, saying, "Once upon a time, a man went down from Jerusalem to
Jericho and fell among thieves.  And the thorns grew up and choked that man.  And he went on
and met the Queen of Sheba and she gave that man a thousand talents of gold and silver and a
hundred changes of raiment.  And he got in his chariot and drove furiously, and as he was driving
under a big tree his hair got caught in a limb and left him hanging there.
     "And he hung there many days and many nights and the ravens brought him food to eat
and water to drink.  And one night while he was hanging there asleep, his wife, Delilah, came
along and cut off his hair.  And he dropped and fell on stony ground.  And it began to rain, and it
rained forty days and forty nights.  And he hid himself in a cave.  And he went out and met a man
and said, 'Come and take supper with me in my cave.'  But the man answered, 'I cannot for I have
married a wife.'  And the cave-dweller went out into the highways and byways and compelled
people to come in.
     "And he went on and came to Jericho and he saw Queen Jezebel sitting high up in a
window and when she saw him she laughed.  And he said, 'Throw her down.'  He said, 'Throw
her down' again.  And they threw her down seventy times seven.  And of the fragments they
picked up twelve baskets.  And now, what I want to know is, Whose wife will she be on the day
of resurrection?"

118. From "Splashes of Joy in the Cesspool of Life" by Barbara Johnson
     A set of small-town newspaper want ads:
     (Monday) FOR SALE - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 555-0707
after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
      (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R.D. Jones's ad yesterday.  It should
have read: One sewing machine for sale.  Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with
him after 7 p.m.
      (Wednesday) NOTICE - R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday.  His ad
stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Cheap. 
Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
     (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R.D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale.  I SMASHED IT. 
Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected.  I have NOT been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly.  Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

119. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] Rabbi Feldman had been having trouble
     with his congregation.  It seemed they could agree upon nothing, and controversy filled
     the air until the Sabbath itself became an area of conflict and unhappiness filled the
     synagogue.

     The president of the congregation said, "Rabbi, this cannot be allowed to continue. 
     Come, there must be a conference, and we must settle all areas of dispute once and for
     all."

     "Agreed," said the rabbi.

     At the appointed time, therefore, the rabbi, the president, and ten elders met in the
     conference room of the synagogue, sitting about a magnificent mahogany table.

     One by one the issues were dealt with and on each issue, it became more and more
     apparent that the rabbi was a lonely voice in the wilderness.

     The president said, "Come, Rabbi, enough of this.  Let us vote and allow the majority to
     rule."

     He passed out the slips of paper and each man made his mark.  The slips were collected
     and the president said, "You may examine them, Rabbi.  It is eleven to one against you. 
     We have the majority."

     Whereupon the rabbi rose to his feet in offended majesty.  "So," he said, "you now think
     because of the vote that you are right and I am wrong.  Well, that is not so.  I stand here"
     - and he raised his arms impressively - "and call upon the Holy One of Israel to give us a
     sign that I am right and you are wrong."

     And as he said so, there came a frightful crack of thunder and a brilliant flash of lightning
     that struck the mahogany table and cracked it in two.  The room was filled with smoke
     and fumes and the president and the elders were hurled to the floor.

     Through the carnage, the rabbi remained erect and untouched, his eyes flashing and a grim
     smile on his face.

     Slowly, the president lifted himself about what was left of the table.  His hair was singed,
     his glasses were hanging from one ear, his clothing was in disarray.

     He said, "All right, eleven to two.  We still have the majority."

     [And Asimov notes: "My personal belief is that God himself would laugh at that joke." 
     I'll second the notion.]

120. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] A rabbi who was seriously ill in the
     hospital received a large vase of flowers, along with a message which read: "The
     congregation wishes you a speedy and complete recovery by a vote of 212 to 74."

121. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] What is chicken teriyaki?  The name of
     the only living Japanese kamikaze pilot.

122. [From "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy!" by Barbara Johnson.
     a.   It's always darkest just before it goes totally black.
     b.   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
     c.   I feel so much better now that I've given up hope.
     d.   Only some of us learn by other people's mistakes; the rest of us have to be the
          other people.
     e.   What light?  I'm still looking for the tunnel!
     f.   Be grateful for husbands who attack small repair jobs around the house.  They
          usually make them big enough to call in professionals.
     g.   Be grateful for children who put away their things and clean up after themselves. 
          They're such a joy you hate to see them go home to their own parents.
     h.   My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
     i.   I love you more today than yesterday.  Yesterday you really got on my nerves!
     j.   If you love something, set it free.  If it returns, you haven't lost it.  If it disappears
          and never comes back, it wasn't truly yours to begin with.... And if it just sits there
          watching television, unaware that it's been set free, you probably already married
          it.
     k.   Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
     l.   Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you
          the rest of the day!

123. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] Once Horace Gold [editor] went too
     far.  He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious."  The word is from the
     Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting
     my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was
     too lazy to write a good one.  (This was not true, by the way.  This particular story was
     sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)

     Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"

     Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully,
     "Meretricious!"

     Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."
     
124. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] As Mr. Jones looked over the world
     and found it utterly dissatisfying, he felt himself sneering at those who felt it to be in the
     care of a Creator, one who obviously cared so little for his creation.

     Whereupon he said loudly, "At least I'm not like that.  Thank God I'm an atheist."

125. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] The habit of asking God to prevent
     calamities is a hard one to break.  Thus, it came about that one Jewish businessman, driven
     to distraction by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, "You should only
     drop dead - God forbid."

126. [From "Pack Up Your Gloomees in a Great Big Box, Then Sit on the Lid and Laugh!" by
     Barbara Johnson:
     a.   If it's free, it's advice.  If you pay for it, it's counseling.  If you can use either one,
          it's a miracle!
     b.   Life is a sexually transmitted, terminal disease.
     c.   At day's end, I turn all my problems over to God... He's going to be up all night
          anyway.
     d.   Please spare me the ghastly details of your happiness!
     e.   God said it, I believe it, and that settles it.  (Then why doesn't it make sense?)
     f.   I'd unscramble the eggs if you'd read me the recipe backwards.
     g.   I'm perfectly willing to compromise, but God wants to have everything His own
          way!
     h.   When your dreams turn to dust - vacuum!
     i.   Life is like an ice cream cone.  Just when you think you've got it licked, it drips all
          over you!
     j.   If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
     k.   The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
     l.   I can no longer face life, so I have decided to go through the rest of it backwards.
     m.   If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
     n.   What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?  A
          person who lies awake all night trying to decide if there really is a doG.
     o.   Every woman KNOWS that one special way to drive a man WILD... (hide the TV
          remote control)
     p.   If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
     q.   Things aren't as bad as they seem... they're worse!
     r.   Confidence is what you have when you don't really understand the situation.

127. Honest hymn and gospel songs:
     a.   I Surrender Some
     b.   Oh, How I Like Jesus
     c.   He's Quite a Bit To Me
     d.   Take My Life and Let Me Be
     e.   There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
     f.   Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
     g.   Just As I Pretend To Be
     h.   When the Saints Go Sneaking In
     i.   O Come, All Ye Marginally Faithful
     j.   Now Thank We Some Our God
     k.   Indifferently, Lord, We Worship You
     l.   Some Creatures of Our God and King
     m.   From Few That Dwell Below the Skies
     n.   I'm Pretty Sure That My Redeemer Lives
     o.   Come a Bit Later, Almighty King

128. Jesus was having dinner with his disciples one time and as they gathered reverentially
     about him, more or less in the attitudes since immortalized by Leonardo da Vinci, he
     looked about at them.

     There, on one direction, he saw Judas Iscariot, who, he well knew, would betray him to
     the authorities before three hours had passed.  On the other side was Peter, the prince of
     the disciples, who, as he well knew, would deny him thrice ere the cock crowed.  And
     almost immediately opposite him was Thomas, who, on a crucial occasion, would express
     doubts.

     There seemed only one thing to do.  Jesus called over the head-waiter.  "Max," he said,
     "separate checks."

129. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] The Pope had called together a meeting
     of the cardinals and said, "I have some good news for you and some bad news.  The good
     news is this.  Our blessed Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, has returned to earth for the long-awaited Second Coming, and the Day of Judgement is at hand."

     There was an exalted silence for a few moments and then one cardinal said, "But Holy
     Father, with good news like that, what's the bad news?"

     The Pope mopped his forehead with his handkerchief and said, "The information has
     reached us from Salt Lake City."

     [addendum courtesy of Doris Smith] Meanwhile, the president of the Mormon church has
     convened the elders, and announced, "I have good news for you, and bad news.  The good
     news is that God is here in Salt Lake City, and the Day of Judgment is at hand."  There is
     much rejoicing and jubilation until one of the elders thinks to ask, "But, what about the
     bad news?".  "Well, for one thing, She's black....."

130. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] I was speaking at a Catholic college
     once, and the priest who was showing me around motioned me into an elevator ahead of
     him.  In a fit of politeness, I motioned him, and we went into the Alphonse and Gaston
     routine of each trying to have the other go first.  Finally the priest stepped into the
     elevator and said to me, "All right, you win the humility sweepstakes this time."

     I told the previous tale to another priest once, and he said, "Ah, yes, we call it the 'I am
     the humblest man in the room, and I am proud of it' syndrome."

131. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] I was on [a talk show] and David Frost
     initiated the proceedings by saying, "Dr. Asimov, do you believe in God?"

     I had not yet reached the point where I was willing to admit my atheism to a large
     television audience, so I stalled by saying, "Whose?"

     He said, "I mean the Judeo-Christian God of Western tradition.  You know that very well,
     Dr. Asimov."

     I stalled again.  "I haven't given it much thought."

     Said Frost, "I don't believe that.  I'm sure a person of your wide knowledge and
     attainments would have sought to find God."

     Whereupon I saw my chance and seized it.  I said, "God is smarted than I am.  Let him try
     to find me."

     In the laughter that followed, the subject was dropped.

     That wasn't the end of it, however.  I was quite certain that God, even if he existed, would
     not mind an honest atheist.  He might, however, grow irritated over a wiseguy atheist.  My
     talk with Frost had only been a taping.  What would happen on the day it was really to
     appear?

     I found out on that day.  For twenty-one years I had suffered occasionally from the fearful
     pain of kidney stones and the day on which I appeared on television with my wiseguy
     crack about God finding me, I had my worst (and last) attack.

     There's no use trying to describe the bitter, unrelenting pain one experiences in such an
     attack.  All I could do was clutch my abdomen, stagger about, and gasp, "All right, God. 
     You've found me.  Now let me go."

     Eventually he did, and the pain subsided just in time for me to catch the program.  The Old
     Man may be short-tempered, but he's never been malignant - at least not to me, and not so
     far.

132. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] There's a story about Thurgood
     Marshall, the first black member of the Supreme Court, that I hope is true.

     He was mowing the lawn at his posh residence in a Washington suburb when a car
     stopped in the street.  The woman driving the car noted a black man mowing a lawn and
     called out, "How much do you charge for mowing a lawn, my good man?"

     Marshall hesitated, and the woman said, "Well, what does the lady of the house pay you?"

     And Marshall said, "She doesn't pay me anything, ma'am.  She just lets me sleep with her
     every night."

133. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] Golda Meir, the prime minister of Israel
     in the early seventies, had as her foreign minister Abba Eban, who spoke perfect English
     (better than mine, by far).  At the time, President Nixon's secretary of state was Henry
     Kissinger, a German-born American who spoke English that was far worse than mine.

     One time, Nixon said to Meir, "We both have Jewish foreign secretaries, Madame Meir."

     "Yes," said Meir, "but mine speaks English."

134. [From "Asimov Laughs Again", by Isaac Asimov] When I was teaching, I loved giving the
     lectures, but I hated marking papers.  I was always afraid I would have to fail someone. 
     The head of my department, when I told him of my worries, was quite unsympathetic.  He
     said that failing people was my job - if they deserved it.

     Of course, if the student made it easy, that was different.

     A student, despairing of a certain question, stared at his blank examination booklet and
     finally wrote, "God knows the answer to this question."

     It came back with the notation: "God gets an A; you get an F."

135. [From a spoof advertisement created by Gerry Mooney] Not enough hours in the day? 
     Time in a Bottle brand time capsules let you accomplish so much more.  And, they're self-synchronizing and buffered for gentleness.  Available in 8-hour, 24-hour and new "Lost
     Weekend" strength.  Take only as directed.

136. [From "Great Mysteries Explained", by John Sladek] Is the Turin shroud genuine?  Light
     may be shed on this mystery by the recent discovery of a similar relic, the Neapolitan
     shroud.  This is very like the Turin object, but comes in three colors.  Tourists maintain it
     is the burial shroud of Christ; skeptics insist it is an old beach towel.

     Science at first did little to help resolve the controversy.  Carbon-14 tests established its
     date as A.D. 1953 plus or minus 18 million years.  X-ray analysis showed the shroud to
     have an abcess in an upper left incisor that needs immediate attention.  For chemical
     analysis one corner was removed and the remainder burnt - revealing it to be woven of
     some kind of fiber.

     The big breakthrough was the discovery of a curious symbol on the surviviing corner. 
     Scholars now believe it is the authentic laundry mark of Joseph of Arimathea.  Tough
     luck, Turin.

137. [From the "Philadelphia Inquirer", as reported by Debra Nussbaum] Checking, With
     Interest: Ever have trouble finding that photo ID?

     Trying to cash a check, Carolyn Johnson pulled up to a bank drive-up window but wasn't
     able to find her license anywhere in her massive purse.  As it happened, Johnson was five
     months pregnant and had just had an ultrasound.  Desperate to get the cash and move on,
     she handed the teller the photo of her son (in utero).

     It was a picture, and it had her name on it.  "The teller just shook her head," Johnson says,
     and looked at her abdomen.

     "No one," the teller said, "could make this up."

     They cashed the check.

138. It is said that the FBI has over 780 million fingerprints.  So has every home with small
     children.

139. [by Ron Dentinger] I learned how to meditate in grade school, thanks to all the teachers
     who were constantly telling me to sit down and be quiet.

140. Excerpts from "Grunt", by Sandra Boynton. [Pigorian Chant from Snouto Domoinko de
     Silo]
     a.   Each of the twelve events of the Pigs' day is heralded by the tolling of a gently
          irksome bell; each has its own particular accompanying Pigchant - evocative,
          unadorned, strictly modal unison chant, intoned in the traditional Pig Latin.  The
          interspersed exhortations of the weary farmer are similarly plain, though here the
          text is in ordinary Latin.
     b.   Tempus Porco Nihil Est. [Time to a pig means zilch.]
     c.   Omnes Gallinae in partes tres divisae sunt. [All chickens are divided into three
          parts.]
     d.   Vox spiritus fundi summus.  Dormiunt omnes.  Stertunt Porci clari.  Auscultate.
          [We are the voice of the spirit of the farm.  Everyone is asleep.  The famous Pigs
          are snoring.  Listen.]
     e.   Rooster: Coccadoodul du.  Ego dixi: Coccadoodul du.
          Chickens: O, primam lucem.  Sol surgit.  Gallus magnifice incedens exclamat. 
          Nunc venit agricola.
          Solo chicken: Ecce Macdonaldus Senex, qui fundum habet.  E-I-E-I-O.
          Cows: Et in hoc fundo, nonnullas boves domesticas habet.  E-I-E-I-O.  Cum moo
          moo hic, cum moo moo ibi.  Hic una moo, ibi una moo, ubique una moo moo.
          [I'm sure you recognize Old Macdonald's Farm, so I won't bother to translate that
          part.  The rooster said : Cockadoodle doo.  I said: Cockadoodle doo.  The
          chickens said: O, first light!  The sun is rising.  The strutting rooster calls.  Now
          comes the farmer.]
     f.   Farmer: Tempus dormitum ire est. [It's time to go to sleep.]
          Sheep: Oves et agni sumus.  Numerate nos: Unus. Duo. Tres. [We are sheep and
          lambs.  Count us.  One, two, three...]
     g.   [back to me] Christmas Day I listened to this CD and then went to church, where
          [of course] we sang "Angels We Have Heard On High".  I kept cracking up at the
          refrain, remembering the chickens' words: "Gloria in eggshells each day-o!".

141. [by Steven Leuthold in "Perception for the Professional"] Taking the Tire Test: Two
     college students had an American history final at 8 am on Monday.  Instead of studying
     the prior Sunday evening, however, they partied late into the night.  Of course, both
     overslept and missed the exam.

     So they told the professor that they had been out of town on Sunday and, while driving
     back late Sunday night, they had a flat and it took hours and hours to change it.  The
     students then requested permission to make up the exam on Tuesday morning.

     "That's fine," the professor said.  "I'll see you at 8:30 Tuesday morning."

     Beginning Monday afternoon, the students studied late into Monday night, arrived at 8:30
     am on Tuesday, and received from the professor one envelope each.  "Go into separate
     rooms," the professor instructed, "and take the exam inside this envelope."

     Each complied.  On opening their envelopes, both students found the following exam: 1)
     For 5 percent of your grade, what was the most significant event in American History
     during the last 50 years and explain why you think so in 25 words or less.  2) For 95
     percent of your grade, which tire?

142. [Brian found this one on another list serv]  Universal Grade Change Form:
>>
>>To: (professor/teacher)__________From:__________
>>
>>I think my grade in your course,__________, should be changed
>>from___to___for the following reasons:
>>
>>__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
>>__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
>>__3. This course will lower my GPA and I won't get into: __Med School
>>      __Dental School  __Grad School __Mickey Mouse Club
>>__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in  ___________.
>>__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
>>__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my coach couldn't find a copy of
>>        your exam.
>>__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not
>>         cover the material asked for on the exam.
>>__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little  fact.
>>__9. I studied the facts and definitions but the exam asked about general
>>        principles.
>>__10. You are prejudiced against: __Males   __Females  __Protestants
>>        __Chicanos  __Jews __Catholics  __Moslems  __People  __Blacks
>>        __Whites __Minorities  __Students  __Young people  __Old people
>>__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at  least cut
>>        my allowance.
>>__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following:
>>        __acute alcoholism   __drug addiction  __VD/STD __broken baby finger
>>        __pregnancy   __fatherhood     __mono
>>__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how  you
>>   wanted that done.
>>__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
>>__15. The lectures were:  __too detailed to pick out important points
>>        __too boring __not explained in sufficient detail  __all jokes
>>        and no material
>>__16. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
>>__17. This course was:  __too early, I was not awake. __to
>>         late, I was tired __at lunchtime, I was hungry.
>>__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil)(ate, wet on, threw up on) my
>>        (book, notes, paper) for this course.

143. From "Wit and Wisdom" by Charlie T. Jones & Bob Phillips
     a.   An agnostic is a person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you
          agree with him, he becomes angry.
     b.   The number one problem in our country is apathy.... but who cares!
     c.   When was the Apostle Paul a baker?  When he went to Phillippi.
     d.   While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses,
          each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.  I asked one nurse
          what the pin signified.  "Nothing," she said with a smile.  "It's just to keep the
          doctors away."
     e.   An archaeologist is a man whose career lies in ruins.
     f.   Christ sends none away empty but those who are full of themselves.
     g.   Christ never wrote a tract, but He went about doing good.
     h.   The trouble with some of us is that we have been innoculated with small doses of
          Christianity which keeps us from catching the real thing.
     i.   A Christian is someone who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
          book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors.
     j.   The only advice I get about raising children is to be consistent.  But how can I be
          consistent?  They never do the same thing twice!
     k.   Experience is the wonderful knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake
          when you make it again.
     l.   Does your uncle carry life insurance?  No, he just carries fire insurance.  He knows
          where he is going.
     m.   You might describe my financial situation as fluid.  Which is a sort of nice way of
          saying I'm going down the drain.
     n.   Government is a large plant that needs more pruning and less grafting.

144. Feelings are neither right nor wrong - they just are.  We shouldn't wallow in self-pity, but
     every so often, it's OK to swish our feet a little.

145. You want to make God laugh?  Tell Him your plans.

146. From signs in front of churches:
     a.   You are not too bad to come in.  You are not too good to stay out.
     b.   Come in and have your faith lifted.
     c.   Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
     d.   A miser is a rich pauper.
     e.   Ask about our pray-as-you-go plan.
     f.   We hold sit-in demonstrations every Sunday.
     g.   No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won't get better.
     h.   Start living to beat hell.
     i.   If some people lived up to their ideals they would be stooping.
     j.   Everything you always wanted to know about heaven and hell but were afraid to
          ask.
     k.   Pray up in advance.
     l.   Patience is the ability to stand something as long as it happens to the other fellow.
     m.   [At an Arizona church in August] You think it's hot HERE?
     n.   What on earth are you doing for heaven's sake?
     o.   Will it take six strong pall-bearers to bring you back?

147. [courtesy of Lee Partin] From "Once Upon A Pew", by Ken Alley, 'Out of the Mouths of
     Typewriters' Chapter.  The following paragraphs are taken from church bulletins.
     a.   This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. 
          Children will be baptized at both ends.
     b.   Tuesday at 4 p.m., there will be an ice cream social.  All mothers giving milk,
          please come early.
     c.   The Ladies Liturgy Society will meet on Wednesday.  Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
          Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
     d.   Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club.  All those
          wishing to become little mothers, please meet with the minister in his study.
     e.   This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an
          egg on the altar.
     f.   The services will close with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the ladies will start
          quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
     g.   On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new
          carpet.  All wishing to do something on the new carpet come forward and get a
          piece of paper.
     h.   The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen
          in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
     i.   A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.  Music will
          follow.
     j.   Thank you for your sympathy and the lovely pot plant.
     k.   Adult dinner menu:  Road beef, potatoes and gravy.

148. From "Off the Wall at Callahan's", by Spider Robinson:
     a.   The church is near but the road is icy.  The tavern is far but I will walk carefully.
     b.   If you've got a hurt and I've got a hurt and we share them, some crazy how-or-other, we each end up with less than half a hurt apiece.
     c.   Be a rapturist - the backward of a terrorist.  Commit random acts of senseless
          kindness, whenever possible.
     d.   The only kind of payment that always guarantees a handsome return is paying
          attention.
     e.   People who wear glasses are lucky; we have stars on rainy nights.
     f.   I LIKE fashion - and Porsches, and Rolexes - all that stuff!  How nice of the
          morons and drones to wear uniforms, so one can avoid them...
     g.   Sometimes, just naming your burden helps.
     h.   Usually if you've got the guilts, it's because you did a disservice to someone or
          something you care about.  So what you want to do is go and do a service for
          someone or something you care about.  It doesn't have to be the SAME someone. 
          It's best, but sometimes the guilt is nonspecific and it can't be.  And sometimes it's
          too late.  That doesn't matter so much.  The point is just to release the pressure -
          equal and opposite reaction.  Slow and steady, ideally.  What I'm aiming for myself
          is to achieve balance, equilibrium, about half an hour before I die.
     i.   Vengeance is counterproductive.  Not to mention the fact that it gets your soul all
          sticky.
     j.   Don't belittle yourself.  If it truly needs doing, let someone else do it.  There'll be
          no shortage of volunteers.
     k.   What shall it profit a man if he gaineth the whole world, yet he hath no allowable
          deductions?
     l.   There aren't many things a man can do as noble as passing up a chance to show
          how smart he is.

149. [Brian found this one]  The Dress Code of the Lord
     a.   Thou shalt not rend thy garments in order to be trendy.
     b.   Thou shalt not dress to kill except on the weekends.
     c.   The fashion sins of the father shall not be handed down to the son.
     d.   Thou shalt not be cloaked in T-shirts with funny sayings.  These are abominations
          and are tired unto the Lord.
     e.   Thou shalt not wear baseball caps advertising beer companies.
     f.   Those of you without taste will wear stone-washed jeans.
     g.   Thou shalt not wear bicycle shorts if thou needest bicycle shorts built for two.

150. There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.
151. Confessional: a Catholic fire escape.
152. Old coupon clippers never die; they just expire.
153. You are a Child of God.  Please call home.
154. Noah was the first great financier.  Wisely, he floated his stock while everyone else was
     being liquidated.
155. Pity the man who told his boss he was going to church for a funeral but went instead to
     the golf course and shot his first hole-in-one.
156. You can always tell the golfers in church.  They are the ones who use interlocking grips
     when they put their hands together to pray.
157. A New Yorker was passing through the town of Waxahachie, Texas, which is south of
     Dallas.  He whipped into a drive-in restaurant and asked the waitress urgently, "How do
     you pronounce the name of this place?"  She looked at him with a pitying glance and
     drawled as patiently as she could, "Daaarry Kweeeeeeen."
158. People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
159. The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
160. It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

161. [From a '70s ad for Streetside Records, in St. Louis] With this coupon you can pay $1
     more on the record of your choice at Streetside Records.
162.  Why is abbreviation such a long word?
163. Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
164. Sign on a door: "Do Not Disturb [I'm disturbed enough already]"
165. There seems to be some question as to whether more gifts are exchanged on Christmas or
     the day after.
166. The fire at the manufacturing plant was due to friction caused by a large inventory rubbing
     up against an insurance policy.
167. A lot of people can cover their mistakes, but not teachers.  Teachers' mistakes grow up
     and become school board members.
168. Virus: Latin word used by doctors, meaning "your guess is as good as mine."
169. Most people want to serve God - in an advisory capacity.
170. "You couldn't PAY me to take a vow of poverty!"
171. When you are in trouble, remember God's 911 number - that's Psalms 91:1, or better yet,
     the entire 91st psalm.

172. A diplomat from a small South American country was asked by an American what his
     country's favorite pastime was.  "Bullfighting."  "Bullfighting!  We think that's revolting!"
     replied the American.  "No, revolting is our SECOND favorite pastime."

173. After a promising two-year basketball career at a large state university, a young man's
     right leg had been amputated due to an automobile accident.  The fellow adapted well to
     an artificial limb, and transferred to a small Catholic liberal arts college.  He decided to try
     out for the basketball team.  He couldn't jump or move quickly, but his flatfooted shot
     wasn't bad, and he did play with enthusiasm.  After the tryouts, the new recruit phoned
     home.  "I have some good news and some bads news," he told his folks.  "The good news
     is I made the basketball team.  The bad news is I'm one of their best players!"

174. A mother and her little girl were standing in line at the Vatican, waiting to have an
     audience with the Pope.  Ahead of them in line were many priests and nuns.  Before going
     through the door to see the Pope, visitors had to register in a large book.  The little girl
     kept running ahead, wanting to get to the head of the line - and her mother said, "No,
     dear.  Wait 'til the nuns sign, Shelly."

175. A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were having a chat, when the lights went out. 
     Undeterred by the darkness, the Dominican said, "Let's discuss Light and Darkness, and
     the Nature thereof."  The Franciscan said, "No, let's sing a hymn about the 'Little Sister
     Darkness.'" Finally, the Jesuit said, "You guys stay here.  I'll go change the fuse."

176. [courtesy of Helen Jenner]  A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in
     his mouth.  The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six
     months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" 

     The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some
     asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious --Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so
     much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." 

     "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.  Hollandaise sauce is made with lots
     of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a
     new plate, and this time I'll use chrome." 

     "Why chrome?" asks the patient. 

     To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for
     the Hollandaise!" 

177. "God commands you to pray, but he forbids you to WORRY." -- John Vianney

178. "The distance on the scale between lousy and excellent is NOTHING compared to the
     distance between excellent and perfect."  -- Spider Robinson

179. Laugh and the class laughs with you, but you go to the principal's office alone.
180. St. Teresa of Avila said: "From silly devotions and sad-faced saints, O Lord, deliver me."
*
181. [From "Off the Wall at Callahan's", by Spider Robinson] The average human in the best of
     circumstances spends a hell of a lot of attention and energy on monitoring the body's
     thousand and one aches and pains and twinges and other sudden, small alarms.  At least as
     much energy and time goes into constantly combing the environment for immediate
     dangers or enemies.  And as much again is spent on worry about impending or chronic
     problems, the struggle to stay afloat, the need to be loved, and the underlying awareness
     of mortality.  No wonder we're all so GRUMPY so much of the time..."

182. [Another Spider Robinson quote, to be spoken with a strong Irish brogue] "Faith and
     Gomorrah!  May the saints add preservatives to us!"

183. One of our family in-jokes is to say "Italian sportscar soap" when turning on the lights.
     [Fiat lux = "Let there be light".  We have a STRANGE family!]

184. [Brian found this one] One of the more bizarre rules ... in Leviticus [19:19] against
     wearing fabrics woven from two different types of material.  What a useless rule!  First of
     all, what would the punishment be for disobeying?  Would God thunder at us, "Thy
     laundry shall be accursed, and thy colors shall bleed unto they whites"? ... In our opinion,
     the whole idea that God would be particularly interested in our clothing is totally absurd. 
     There are, after all, more important things for God to do, like keeping his eye on the
     planets or watching out for Newt Gingrich.

185. From "Games Christians Play", by Judi Culbertson and Patti Bard
     a.   Baptists: Sometimes frighten other Protestants by the number of Bible verses they
          know and the gusto with which they sing.
     b.   Buddhists: Those people who wear sandals and speak Zen.
     c.   Catholics: Those people who have little statues on their dashboards and play Bingo
          in church.
     d.   Episcopalians: Spend the entire service getting up and down.  Sing strange and
          mournful things called "Psalms".  All are rich.
     e.   Evangelical: A son of a Fundamentalist.
     f.   Everyday Christianity: Driving your next-door neighbor to the beauty parlor.
     g.   Exemplary Christian: Well-bred, prosperous, charming, and handsome individual
          who never breaks the rules of the established church.  Eliminate Francis of Assisi,
          Blaise Pascal, John Wesley, Martin Luther, St. Paul, Jesus Christ, et al.
     h.   Fast: Roman Catholics fast only because the Church tells them to.  Liberal
          Protestants fast only because they need to lose weight.  Pentecostals fast only
          because they are "fanatical".  Fundamentalists eat all the time.
     i.   Jews:   Used to be God's chosen people.
     j.   Lutherans: All Germans.
     k.   Magnificent: Adjective reserved for cathedrals.  Protestant churches may cost as
          much to build, but never are.
     l.   Methodists: All are middle class, temperate, and given to worry about which
          ministers will be moved at the next Conference.
     m.   Pacifist: Someone who takes the Sermon on the Mount literally.
     n.   Presbyterians: Once were a dignified people, but now hold services in jazz.
     o.   Sabbath: Day of Rest that for active Christians begins with Sunday School and
          ends with exhaustion.

186. The following punfest comes from Spider Robinson's "The Callahan Touch", and should
     be "sung" to the tune of "That's Amore!".  

     When-a you swim inna da sea, an' a eel bites-a you knee, dat's a moray -
     A New Zealander man with a permanent tan, that's a Maori -
     When two patterns combine, in a way serpentine, that's a moire -
     He tells jokes, he's a ham; his last name's Amsterdam - dat's-a Morey!
     If yer vitamins be mostly C, D and E ... take some more A -
     Oh, you play 'What I Say' very gay - won't you play that some more, Ray? -
     When a Canadian shows you his mother, he goes: Dat's my mawr, eh? -
     With the high price of feed, it's for farmers in need that some mow hay -
     My new ray-gun here tries to put out both your eyes: it's a Moe Ray -
     If "King Kong" has gone flat, rent the flick "Vampire Bat": that's some more Wray -

187. Would anyone like to sign a petition for pun control?

188. [courtesy of Dee Christian] "Lord let me live so that when I die / The wicked will laugh /
     And the poor will cry."

189. [by Woody Allen] To you I'm an athiest.  To God I'm the loyal opposition.

190. Seen on a T-shirt: Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes [If you know how  to read
     this you have too much education]

191. Did you hear about the Twelve Step program for people who can't stop talking?  It's
     called On and On Anon.  Then there's the one for folks who are also compulsive "Told
     You So's!": Nya Nya NyaNyaNon. [second one is courtesy of Dockers]

192. "God does not require us to succeed.  He only requires us to try." -- Mother Teresa

193. From "2100 Laughs for All Occasions", by Robert Orben
     a.   There are some who feel that on the seventh day God shouldn't have rested.  He
          should have erased.

     b.   Bumper sticker: Honk if you love quiet!

     c.   They really had some weird gifts in the stores this Christmas.  For $200 you could
          buy a remote control fire hydrant.  It's for people who always wanted to see a
          hydrant sprinkle a dog.

     d.   I wonder if God ever looked a tree with tinsel on it and said, "This is an
          improvement?"

     e.   My ten-year-old daughter is suffering from the heartbreak of psoriasis... It was the
          first word on her spelling test!

     f.   My kids are starting a brand new philosophical movement.  It's called
          Transcendental Aggravation.

     g.   Don't give till it hurts.  Give till it feels good!

194. From "2100 Laughs for All Occasions", by Robert Orben

     a.   It's all right to wrestle with your conscience, but don't make it two falls out of
          three.

     b.   I never pray for money.  I figure the Lord is my shepherd, not my banker.

     c.   Last night I got the ultimate rejection.  I was in church praying for divine help and
          a deep majestic voice answered, "Take two aspirins and call Me in the morning."

     d.   Two priests met on the street.  One said, "I'm Father Vincent.  Haven't we met
          before?"  The other replied, "I don't remember the name, but the faith is familiar."

     e.   Have you heard about the new religion for people who have really had it?  It's
          called the Church of the Last Straw.

     f.   I go to a church that's so liberal it's only open on Tuesdays.

     g.   A toast: To the machines of war wherever they are - may they rust in peace!

195. Keeping the "SON" in your eyes will keep you from seeing the shadows. The more "SON"
     you get the less likely you'll burn.

196. Four leaf clovers! [Well, not *really* clovers, more like florist's shamrocks.] Got my
     Jung's catalog recently, and yep, they still carry "Good Luck Oxalis", which comes as
     bulbs you plant in the spring.  I've had a lot of success with these, not to mention startled
     looks and "Can I have one??".  Cheap, too.  The  phone number is 1-800-247-5864, item
     # 40760.  And yes, the company's name really IS "Jung Seed Co."!!!  I for one could use
     a little more "good luck"...

197. [courtesy of Karen Silver] Gather as many recipes as you can for roasted crow so that
     when you have to eat it, it goes down better than you expected. I find it helps to singe the
     pinfeathers.

198. There's a free Windows screensaver on the web called "Hey, Macaroni!".  Little elbow
     macaroni guys do the Macarena complete with music and words - except the words have
     been changed to different forms of pasta.  The ZIP file is about 1 Mb, so it will take a
     LONG time to download, but you can find it at:
          http://www.risoftsystems.com

199. In "The Sparrow", by Mary Doria Russell, a "nice Jewish girl" agrees to learn to sing
     Handel's "Messiah": "It's quite nice music.  I have no objection to learning it in
     anticipation of the appearance of the Messiah.  I simply argue that Handel was somewhat
     premature."

     In the same book another character says: "I'm not a complete jerk, but I could be if I
     made an honest effort."

200. From "The Comedy Quote Dictionary", by Ronald L. Smith

     a.   "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to
          read." -- Groucho Marx

     b.   "I was thrown out of NYU.  On my metaphysics final I looked within the soul of
          the boy sitting next to me." -- Woody Allen

     c.   "In this best of all possible worlds, everything is in a hell of a mess." -- Brother
          Theodore

     d.   "As long as the world is turning and spinning we're gonna be dizzy and we're
          gonna make mistakes." -- Mel Brooks

     e.   "Limbo: a place where arms and legs go when they die." -- Ray Hand

     f.   "Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh." -- H.L. Mencken

     g.   "The meek shall inherit the earth.  They won't have the nerve to refuse it." --
          Jackie Vernon

     h.   [by Jules Feiffer] Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom
          meaningless by not committing them?

     i.   [by Tom Lehrer] I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow
          human beings and I hate people like that!

     j.   [by Allen Sherman] Exactly what Adam and Eve were ashamed of is never clearly
          explained, anywhere.  And why did they cover their loins?  Why not their noses or
          elbows or big toes?  And what does God wear - a Pierre Cardin suit?  (And why
          fig leaves?  Fig leaves were intended to cover up figs.)  The mind boggles: If I
          accept the anti-nude morality, I must be ashamed of my own body.  But where can
          I go without it?  Personally, I think God is losing a lot in translation.  I can't
          imagine him being ashamed of anybody's nude body.  On the contrary, he must
          think it's pretty peculiar when he sees us killing other animals and wearing THEIR 
          skins.

     k.   [by George Grizzard] "Naked" means you ain't got no clothes on.  "Nekkid"
          means you ain't got no clothes on and you up to somethin'!

     l.   [by Gary Larson] Luposlipophobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves
          around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.

     m.   [by Will Cuppy] The beaver is very industrious, but he is still a beaver.

     n.   [by Peter de Vries] The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination, but
          the combination is locked up in the safe.