HUMOR300 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at   CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

201. From HAND! "Have a Nice Day" #0323.  To subscribe to HAND list, send message to
     majordomo@bapp.com, in body type: subscribe HAND

     a.   A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.  He eats the sandwich,
          pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.  As the panda stands up to go, the
          bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?  You just shot my waiter and you
          didn't pay for your sandwich!"  The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man,
          I'm a PANDA!  Look it up!"

          The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A
          tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white
          coloring.  Eats shoots and leaves".

     b.   Q: How do you milk a caterpillar? A: First, you get a very low stool........

     c.   Two friends are  piloting a plane, when they discover that they must make an
          emergency landing.  Luckily  enough, there is a nearby (unused) airstrip, so they
          decide to land there.

          As they fly over it, one says, "that's an awfully short runway; I don't know  if we
          can  land on  it."  The  other points out  that there's no choice, so they have to try.

          They bring the  plane in as slowly  as possible,  touching wheels right  at the
          beginning of the  runway,  and immediately hit  the brakes.  The plane slides to a
          halt with the front wheels hanging  off the runway's end.

          One friend turns to the other and says, "We made it,  but this is the 
          *SHORTEST* runway I've ever  seen."   The other says, "Yeah, but it must be at
          least two miles *wide*."

202. [courtesy of Dockers]  A drunk, having all he could do just to walk vertically, was
     negotiating his way down the sidewalk in a large city when he spotted something up ahead
     of him coming towards him.  In reality, it was two nuns in their dress just ajabbering away
     as they were walking down the sidewalk in a hurry on their way back to the church.  As
     they approached the drunk in front of them, they went, one on each side, around him and
     kept on going.  The drunk stopped and stood there a second or two, looked back; then
     exclaimed out loud . . . "Omygawd . . . I think I just ran over a penguin!"

203. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] In your land it is regarded as a
     miracle if God does someone's will.  In our country it is regarded as a miracle if someone
     does the will of God.

204. There has been a big debate on Center-L lately about male vs. female concepts of God,
     what pronoun to use in referring to God, etc.  One I read actually used "He/She/It".  I
     have been having a VERY hard time not suggesting a nice short combination of parts of
     those words to use as a pronoun: the S in She, the H in He, followed by IT.  

205. [courtesy of Brian] The "Concept of God" thread on Center-L is giving me an image of
     God as a small pink bunny with a drum. [It keeps going, and going, and going... ]

206. [courtesy of Dockers]    "A cowboy by the name of Roy Randall lived with his beautiful
     bride Alice on a nice ranch out on the Colorado prairie.  They had a few head of cattle,
     some horses, chickens, you know, the usual for a young cowboy and his young bride.

     Well, the day arrived for Roy's big birthday and his beautiful bride Alice had a neat
     surprise for him.  She had ordered a great pair of cowboy boots which cost a small
     fortune, completely unbeknownst to Roy.  After all, it was his birthday, and Alice had
     scrimped and saved and ratpacked the money away for almost an entire year to buy him
     the boots, something he had always talked about but never had owned . . . his very own
     set of cowboy boots, tailor made especially for him.

     That evening, after a fine dinner, Alice brought out a huge gift-wrapped box and placed it
     in Roy's lap, complete with a huge red bow on it.  He looked at her as she was smiling at
     him and unwrapped the huge box.  There they were!  His very own cowboy boots,
     complete with sterling silver trim and spurs; the works!  They even had his initials "RR"
     tooled into the leather on each side of the upper boot!  What a nifty present!!  He was
     absolutely thrilled at his birthday present.

     After they retired for the evening and proceeded to go to sleep, all of a sudden there was a
     terrible noise coming from the barn which woke them both up.  Roy got up and looked
     out the window and listened some more.  He recognized the dreaded sound.  It seems a
     large mountain lion had gotten into the barn and was raising a real ruckus with the horses,
     scaring the heck out of them.  Without thinking, Roy reached over and put on his new
     boots, thinking they were his regular cowboy boots, 'cause they fit like a glove.  He threw
     on a pair of trousers, grabbed his trusty rifle and raced down the stairs heading straight for
     the barn.

     It was a large cougar alright.  Huge, yellow, with large flashing sharp white teeth and it
     was cowering in a corner near the horse stalls hissing and scratching its paws on the floor. 
     Roy ran over and tried to get as close to the cougar as he could so he could get a good
     aim with his rifle.  In doing so, he stepped in some fresh horse manure and scraped his new
     boots against a board with its nail heads exposed, gouging the side of one boot.  Roy
     looked down and to his disappointment, he noticed he had his new boots on instead of his
     old knockarounds.  He swiftly took them off and carefully tossed them over on the hay out
     of the way.  The cougar was extremely fast.  It proceeded to run around Roy, bite into
     both of his new boots, dragging them with him out the door of the barn.  When our hero
     saw this he became extremely upset, grabbed his horse Clyde, mounting him without any
     saddle and headed after the cougar. 

     The cougar, with Roys new birthday present dragging and tumbling as they were being
     held by the cougars sharp teeth, headed straight for a box canyon, a place Roy was hoping
     for, since there was no way out of the canyon with its almost sheer, vertical walls.  The
     cougar, with his new boots still being tightly held in its jaws, ran to the farthest and
     narrowest part of the box canyon, completely trapping itself there.

     Roy was right on its heels.  When the cougar stopped and turned around, it started
     snarling at Roy and Clyde, and while doing so it continued to bite and chew at Roys new
     boots, still intact in its powerful jaws.  When it appeared the cougar was going to try an
     end run around Roy as it had done earlier in the barn, Roy drew a bead on the couger,
     took careful aim and fired one shot, dropping the cougar dead where it stood.  Roy shot it
     one more time to make sure it was dead. 

     He went over and rolled the cougar over, pried its mouth open to enable him to remove
     the boots.  They were really a mess; in fact, they were almost ruined.  Roy loaded the dead
     cougar across the front of Clyde, then climbed up behind the cougar holding his boots and
     slowly rode back to the ranch thinking "What am I going to say to Alice after all this?
     What am I gonna say?"

     It was a full moon-lit night.  The weather was calm, the sky in all its splendor with the
     entire Milky Way over head with nary a cloud in the sky.  Just a beautiful night.  Roy
     almost forgot why he was out there.  But what a way to be out there.  When he looked
     down at the dead cougar straddled across Clyde in front of him, he thought that this was
     absolutely no cause for celebration, for sure.

     As he rode under the large log with the name of his ranch proudly displayed on its face, his
     beautiful wife was still upstairs, looking out at her wonderful cowboy husband as he
     approached their home, stopping directly under their upstairs bedroom window.  Alice
     looked down at Roy, Clyde, the very sad look on their faces, then the boots or what was
     left of them being held in one hand by Roy.  It was then her eyes caught a glimpse of the
     cougar that had raised so much havoc earlier.  She looked back at Roy and said . . .
     "Pardon me Roy . . . is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

207. From "The Comedy Quote Dictionary", by Ronald L. Smith
     a.   [by Mark Russell] A rabbi on the West Coast was very discouraged.  Half of his
          congregation had turned Quaker.  Or as he put it, "Some of my best Jews are
          Friends."

     b.   [by Ronnie Shakes] I fear that one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze, and I won't
          know what to say.

     c.   [by Rita Rudner] How come when you mix water and flour together you get
          glue... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?  Where does the glue
          go?

     d.   [by Lily Tomlin] The formula for water is H2O.  Is the formula for an ice cube
          H2O squared?

     e.   [by Red Skelton] People in Hell - where do they tell people to go?

     f.   [by Red Skelton] There was a big flood in Louisiana.  This guy is standing in water
          up to his knees.  They came by in a rowboat and said, "Get in."  He said, "Oh no,
          the Lord will take care of me."
               A few minutes later he's up on the porch, the water's up to his waist. 
          Another rowboat comes by, they say, "Get in."  He says, "Oh no, the Lord will
          take care of me."
               Now he's up on the roof.  The water's up to his neck.  A helicopter comes
          by.  He says, "No, no, the Lord will take care of me."
               Well, he drowned.  He gets up to heaven, he meets the Lord, he says,
          "What happened?"  The Lord says, "I don't know what happened - I sent two
          rowboats and a helicopter for you!"

     g.   [by James Komack] They're now desecrating the Christian Science churches. 
          Little kids are running around writing Rx.

     h.   [by Mort Sahl] Most people past college age are not atheists.  It's too hard to be in
          society, for one thing.  Because you don't get any days off.  And if you're an
          agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

     i.   [by Lenny Bruce] Every day, people are straying away from the church and going
          back to God.

     j.   [by John Wing] Our church was so poor we didn't have an organ.  We had an
          accordion.  But I'll never forget Our Lady of Spain.  We were skeptical Catholics. 
          We believed that Jesus walked on the water.  We just figured it was probably
          winter.

     k.   [by Rick Corso] When I was a kid my mother switched religions from Catholic to
          Episcopalian.  Which is what, Catholic Lite?  One third less guilt than the regular
          religion!  You could eat meat on Friday but not a really good cut.

     l.   [by Jane Curtin] Following the Vatican declaration that women cannot become
          priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources report that Colonel Sanders
          has declared that he will not employ anyone who doesn't resemble a chicken.

     m.   [by Austin O'Malley] God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he
          selects to receive it.

208. From HAND! "Have a Nice Day" #0325.  To subscribe to HAND list, send message to
     majordomo@bapp.com, in body type: subscribe HAND

               THE ETIOLOGY & TREATMENT OF CHILDHOOD

                             Jordan W. Smoller
                        University of Pennsylvania

     Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from
     clinicians.  The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent.  As early as the 8th century,
     the Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well
     have been what we now call "children."  The treatment of children, however, was
     unknown until this century, when so-called "child psychologists" and"child psychiatrists"
     became common.  Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well
     over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). 
     In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on
     self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.

     The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the
     proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
     Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association
     (1990).  Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significant clinical features of
     childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core
     features:

          1. Congenital onset
          2. Dwarfism
          3. Emotional lability and immaturity
          4. Knowledge deficits
          5. Legume anorexia

Clinical Features of Childhood

Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional treatment of childhood, the five
clinical markers mentioned above merit further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient
population. 

CONGENITAL ONSET

     In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple-Black (1982) has noted
     that childhood is almost always present at birth, although it may go undetected for years
     or even remain subclinical indefinitely.  This observation has led some investigators to
     speculate on a biological contribution to childhood.  As one psychologist has put it, "we
     may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood"
     (Rogers, 1979).

DWARFISM

     This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood.  It is widely known that children
     are physically short relative to the population at large.  Indeed, common clinical wisdom
     suggests that the treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult.
     These children are known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of
     insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967).

EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY

     This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's diagnosis.  As a result,
     many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as children and must suffer the
     unnecessary social stigma of being labeled a "child" by professionals and friends alike.

KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS

     While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all will manifest
     knowledge deficits...  Anyone who has known a real child has experienced the frustration
     of trying to discuss any topic that requires some general knowledge.  Children seem to
     have little knowledge about the world they live in.  Politics, art, and science -- children are
     largely ignorant of these.  Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad fact is that
     most children have few friends who are not, themselves, children.

LEGUME ANOREXIA

     This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom is supported by
     empirical observation -- children will rarely eat their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for
     review).

                            Causes of Childhood

     Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood?  Recent
     years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives.  Some
     of the most prominent are reviewed below. Sociological Model Emile Durkind was
     perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood.  He points out two
     key observations about children:
          1) the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
          2) children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.

     In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth
     grade education.    Clearly, children are an "out-group."  Because of their intellectual
     handicap, children are even denied the right to vote.  From the sociologist's perspective,
     treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society.
     Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply
     not competent to work.  One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978)
     has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.

Biological Model

     The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a
     biological contribution.  An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated
     that childhood runs in families.  Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed
     that over half contained more than one child.  Further investigation revealed that even
     most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point.  Cross-cultural
     studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that family childhood is even more prevalent
     in the Far East.  For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four
     family members may have childhood.    Impressive evidence of a genetic component of
     childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972).  These
     authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. 
     Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when
     one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well.

Psychological Models

     A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood
     exist.  They are too numerous to review here..Among the more familiar models are
     Seligman's "learned childishness"model.  According to this model, individuals who are
     treated like children eventually give up and become children.  As a counterpoint to such
     theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist.  Szasz (1980) has
     called "childhood" an expedient label.  In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom
     we find unruly or too short to deal with by labeling them "children."


Treatment of Childhood

     Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself.  Only in modern times,
     however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been applied.  In part, this
     increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering
     from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive
     today than at any time in our history.  To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born
     every minute."     The overwhelming number of children has made government
     intervention inevitable.  The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the
     largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called"public schools."  Under
     this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity
     of their condition.  For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a
     "kindergarten" program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally
     immature, and intellectually deficient.  Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially
     one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g.
     finger-painting). Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only
     is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising
     incidence of childhood.    Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood,
     mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of
     childhood.  Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood,
     child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical interventions.
     By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned.  Even after years of costly
     analysis, many victims remained children.  The following case (taken from Gumbie &
     Pokey 1957) is typical.

     Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents.  Billy's affliction was painfully
     obvious.  He stood only 4'3"high and weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate
     voraciously.  Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms.  His voice was noticeably
     high for a man.  He displayed legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often
     refused to bathe.  His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had little
     general knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence.  Social skills were also 
     deficient.  He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour."  His sexual
     experience was non-existent.  Indeed, Billy considered women "icky."  His parents
     reported that his condition had been present from birth, improving gradually after he was
     placed in a school at age 5.  The diagnosis was "primary childhood."  After years of
     painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually.  At age 11, his height and weight have
     increased, his social skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a
     "paper route."    After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to
     light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom.  A
     critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack
     careful follow-up.  Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a
     large-scale longitudinal study.  These investigators studied two groups.  The first group
     consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. 
     The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been
     diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4
     years.    At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is
     a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only
     slightly better off than the controls.    The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up
     were startling.  The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly , & Shemp, 1984) assessed the
     original cohort on a variety of measures.  General knowledge and emotional maturity were
     assessed with standard measures.  Height was assessed by the"metric system" (see Ruler,
     1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye
     (1968).  Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures.  Indeed, in
     most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free.  Moe et al. report a spontaneous
     remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to
     childhood.    These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood may
     not be so bad as we have feared.  We must not, however, become too complacent. 
     Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one of the most
     serious and rapidly growing disorders facing mental health professional today.  And,
     beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of
     physical disorders.  Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated
     a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children as compared
     with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk
     of accidents--compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more likely to
     scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes.

     Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of
     victims wracked by this insidious disorder. 

209. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] 'I wish to become a teacher of the
     Truth.'  "Are you prepared to be ridiculed, ignored and starving till you are forty-five?"  'I
     am.  But tell me: What will happen after I am forty-five?'  "You will have grown
     accustomed to it."

210. [Brian found this one] How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?  
     One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

211. Vodka and orange juice is called a "Screwdriver".  So what's vodka and milk of
     magnesia? ..... A "Phillips screwdriver".

212. A father sent his two sons into the hills on a cold night to herd sheep.  Later he went out
     to see how they were getting along.  He found one son dutifully watching the sheep, and
     asked, "How are you?"

     "Fine, Father," replied the son, "but my lamp has gone out and I am cold."

     Whereupon the father saw his second son who was fast asleep under a tree.  He woke him
     up and asked, "How are you?"  The boy replied, "I am cold, Father, and need a new wick
     for my lamp."  The father shook his head and said, "You shall not have it.  There is no
     wick for the rested."

213. Long, long ago, when Aesop died, he went to heaven and there became a saintly waiter. 
     One day, several angels were seated around a table regaling one another with stories when
     one beckoned to Aesop.  "Come on over and tell us a Mother Goose yarn," he called. 
     "I'm sorry," replied Aesop coldly, "but that's not my fable."

214. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] The Master became a legend in his
     lifetime.  It was said that God once sought his advice.  "I want to play a game of hide-and-seek with humankind.  I've asked my Angels what the best place is to hide in.  Some say
     the depth of the ocean.  Others the top of the highest mountain.  Others still the far side of
     the moon or a distant star.  What do you suggest?"  Said the Master, "Hide in the human
     heart.  That's the last place they will think of!"

215. A one-L lama is a Tibetan priest.  A two-L llama is a South American beast.  But a
     THREE-L lllama is one B*I*G fire!

216. Another Spider Robinson groaner.  [Ever hear about Richard Adam's book "Shardik"?  It
     was about an ancient empire ruled by an enormous, semimythical bear.]

     The only way to become a knight in Shardik's empire was to apply for a personal interview
     with the bear.  This had its drawbacks.  If he liked your audition, you were knighted on
     the spot - but if you failed, Lord Shardik was quite likely to club your head off your
     shoulders with one mighty paw.  Even so, there were many applicants - for the peasantry
     were poor, and if a candidate failed for knighthood, his family received, by way of a
     booby-prize, a valuable sheepdog from the Royal Kennels.  This consoled them, for truly it
     is written: "For the mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
     hit you."

217. Three Indian women are sitting side by side.  The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son
     who weighs 170 pounds.  The second, sitting on the deerskin, has a son who weighs 130
     pounds.  The third is sitting on a hippopotamus hide.  How much does she weigh?.... 300
     pounds, because the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the
     other two hides.

218. Trigonometry for farmers: Swine and Cowswine.

219. Three animals of the forest were arguing among themselves as to which of them was the
     most feared.  The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack
     anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.  The second, a lion, based
     his claim on his strength - none in the forest dared to challenge him.  The third, a skunk,
     insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

     As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk,
     lion, and stinker!

220. Nobody really dies - they just leave *here*...

221. A farmer decided to get a Clydesdale horse to keep him company and to sort of dress up
     his farm, so went into town and came home with a brand new Clydesdale pulling the
     buckboard he was riding in.  To help the horse become acquainted with his farm, a rather
     large spread, he took it out into the field several miles from the farm house and turned him
     loose to graze on the nice tall grass there.  There was a nice brook which meandered
     through his property so the horse had plenty of fresh water to enjoy whenever the urge
     kicked in to do so.

     Well, about a week later, the farmer was out and about test-driving a new Massey
     Ferguson farm tractor he was thinking about purchasing when he decided to check up on
     his new Clydesdale horse.  He drove for a ways and looked in the distance and there it
     was, just standing there in the pasture, however it appeared it was having some sort of
     problem.

     He could hear the horse neighing very loud, shaking its head and stomping its feet as it
     turned around in very tight circles.  So, the farmer decided he had better investigate what
     was going on.  He drove as fast as the tractor could carry him and got up close to the
     horse.  He jumped off the tractor and went over next to the horse and noticed a large flock
     of small birds flying around in a tight circle next to the horses mane.

     The farmer, upon closer examination, noticed the birds had built a nice, tight nest in the
     horses mane.  The farmer got out his Swiss Army knife and proceeded to cut out the nest,
     throwing it on the ground and stomping on it several times, destroying it.  The farmer
     checked the horse thoroughly and could see no physical damage other than the fact the
     horse was wild-eyed from all this terrible excitement.  The farmer then left the horse there,
     returning to the farm house.

     A week had gone by and the farmer was out in the field test-driving a new John Deere
     tractor this time when he decided at the spur of the moment to check up on his beautiful
     Clydesdale horse again.  He drove for a ways and looked in the distance and there it was,
     just standing there in the pasture, however it appeared it was having some sort of problem
     again.

     He could hear the horse neighing very loud, shaking its head and stomping its feet as it
     turned in very tight circles.  The farmer decided he had better investigate what was going
     on.  He drove as fast as the tractor could carry him and got up close to the horse.  He
     jumped off the tractor and ran over next to the horse.  Sure enough!  Another large flock
     of small birds were flying around in a tight circle next to the horses mane.  Again!

     They had built a nice, tight nest in the horses mane.  The farmer took out his knife, cut out
     the nest, throwing it on the ground and stomped on it, checked the horse thoroughly for
     any signs of physical damage or injury and hooked the horse up to the back of his tractor,
     returning to the farm house.

     He placed the horse in his corral and went in the house and called a new vet in town, a
     recent graduate from a fine veterinary college up state.  After explaining his dilemma to
     the new vet, a very young sounding man, the vet asked, "Farmer Jones, does your wife
     bake bread?"  The farmer quizzically answered, "Yes, why?"  To this the vet said, "Then,
     that means you probably have some yeast around the house, right?"  The farmer, still
     dumbfounded to all this line of questioning said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I go into town
     at least once a month and buy her a huge supply of it since she does all our baking here . .
     . what do you mean by . . . "  The vet interrupted him and said, "Look, I have another long
     distance call on hold, a very important call.  All you have to do is rub some yeast on the
     horse's mane and your problems will be solved.   Goodbye Farmer Jones."  Then abruptly
     hung up.

     The farmer sat there at a complete loss for words.  What did the vet mean by all that
     jibberish and his ridiculous answer?  The longer he sat there, the madder he became.  So,
     finally, he just couldn't take it any longer and called the young vet back, demanding to
     speak with him right away, literally shouting over the telephone.  The vet promptly came
     back on the line and in a calm, gentle voice answered, "This is Dr. Smith . . . Farmer
     Jones, is that you?  What can I do to help you this time?"  The farmer took a couple of
     deep breaths to regain his composure and then blurted into the telephone, "Look Dr.
     Smith, I can judge by your voice that I've been farming a helluva lot longer than you've
     been doctoring and I want, in fact, I demand an explanation for the recommendation you
     gave me.  What do you mean by all that 'placing yeast on the horses mane' stuff, anyhow?"

     The vet promptly apologized and then said to the farmer, "Look, Farmer Jones, I'm very
     sorry that you think I was rude to you in our last telephone call.  Please accept my
     apology.  Here's what I meant when I made my recommendation to you.  If you take some
     of the yeast and gently rub it on the horses mane it will solve the bird problem entirely.  In
     fact, I doubt if the bird problem will ever present itself again after you do this.  Because
     Farmer Jones, after all, when you do that . . . "Yeast is yeast, nest is nest . . . and never the
     mane shall tweet!"

222. [Brian found these] 
     a.   I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.  -- Winston
          Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

     b.   Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
          country.  -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

     c.   Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued...
          Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1,1976.  --
          Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

     d.   The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.  --
          Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

     e.   I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
          underpolluted.  -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank,
          explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

     f.   After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board
          is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.  --
          Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

     g.   The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.  -- Dizzy Dean explaining how
          he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

223. From HAND! "Have a Nice Day".  To subscribe to HAND list, send message to
     majordomo@bapp.com, in body type: subscribe HAND

     [The following bit of satire is floating around the net.  To those unfamiliar, the following
     satirical pieces, are based on the current controversy here in the United States over
     Ebonics - a form of English which is often spoken by Blacks. Recently there are people
     trying to get  it classified as a language. Here's the satire:]

     In non-discriminatory fashion the following news items may be of interest to  those who
     are not totally politically correct - -

 PORTLAND, MAINE., Dec. 30.
   In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of  Education announced
today that, beginning January 1, all Portland schools  would provide teacher and parent training in
Yankee English, or so-called  Yankonics, recognize Yankonics as distinct from standard English,
and help  Yankee children  who use Yankonics to master standard English.
   In its resolution, the Portland school board described Yankee English  as a distinct language,
rather than a dialect of standard English.    The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived
from the words  Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to  classify
Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain  federal funds.
   Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved  quickly to attack the
announcement, with the Administration emphasizing  that it would refuse to grant special funding.
   In Augusta, Gov. Angus King (Ind.) defended the resolution.  "They're not  trying to teach
Yankee English as a standard language.  They're looking for  tools to teach children standard
English so they might be competitive," King  told reporters.
    An estimated 53 per cent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee  English at home and
district officials say they have the lowest average  grade point averages in the district.
    Reaction in the city was guarded, but supportive. Lobsterman John Nadeau,  43, of Fore St.
said, "Every yeah it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids  to get the jawbs they need.  I cahn't say if
this will wohk oah nawt, but  at least its a staht."
    The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position.  Mary Lamoreaux, 54,  of Falmouth
Foreside concurred.  "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom  cahn undahstahnd hahlf the
things they heah on TV.  Something needs to be  done."
    Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's  found his linguistic
heritage a difficult cross to bear at times.  "I went  down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some
meetins.  It took me close to two  to  days figuah out what people weah tahlking about.  Rest
assuahed, I was wicked  confused when I gawt bahck."
    Some, however, were not convinced.  Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw  artist in the Old
Port said, "Deah Gawd.  Yeahs ago no one cahed so much  about this soht of thing, we just went
on about ouah business.  I don't see  much use in this.  If people from away cahn't understahnd
what weah saying,  then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyevah they came
 frawm." 
  Asked if he'd lived in Portland all is life, Wentworth replied, "not yet." 

Today's NYTimes contains the following news item:

  Hebonics, or The Jewish Grandmother's language: (Jewish English or   "Hebonics") The Encino
(CA) School Board has declared Jewish English   a second language. Backers of the move say the
district is the first   in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's
  Jews.  Therefore, hereafter teachers will recognize, study and accept   Hebonics as another
language. Following are just a few descriptions of   the characteristics of the language and
samples of phrases in standard   English and Jewish English.

  Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics:
     Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.   Thus, "hand"
becomes "handt."
     The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus   "walking" becomes "valking"
     "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually   impossible to spell in
English. It is "ghraining" "algheady" 

  Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics
  Questions are always answered with questions:
     Question: "How do you feel?"  Hebonics response: "How should I feel?
     The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun   has been used at the
beginning:  "She dances beautifully, that girl."
     The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used   for emphasis:
       mountains becomes "shmountains -  turtle becomes "shmurtle"
  "Th" is pronounced as a "d" or a "t", as in: "De Dodgers shoulda never   went to Elay." or
"Help! Dere's a mot in de sveaters!"

                        Sample Usage Comparisons

  Standard English Phrase                      Hebonics Phrase

  "He walks slow"                      -  "Like he's in deep mud, he valks."
  "Sorry, I don't know the time"       -  "What do I look like, a clock? "
  "I hope things turn out for the best -  "You should BE so lucky"
  "Anything can happen"          -  "It is never so bad, it can't get verse"

  Please be sensitive to those speakers of Hebonics. Since it is its own   language, do not attempt
to correct its speakers, but, like Ebonics and   Yankonics, you should make every effort to learn
and use it.

224. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] The Master had no use at all for
     scholarly discourses.  He called them "pearls of wisdom."  "But if they are pearls, why do
     you scorn them?" said the disciples.  "Have you ever known pearls to grow when planted
     in a field?" was the reply.

225. [courtesy of Art Lytle]  If you have a good voice, sing loudly in praise of God.  If you
     have a lousy voice, sing loudly anyway... its your chance to get back at Him.

226. There's a very old story about a workman on a scaffold high above the nave of a cathedral
     who looked down and saw a woman praying.  As a joke, the workman whispered, "Lady,
     this is Jesus."  The woman ignored him.  The workman whispered again, more loudly:
     "Lady, this is Jesus."  Again, the woman ignored him.

     Finally, he said aloud, "Lady, don't you hear me?  This is Jesus."  At which time, the
     woman looked up at the crucifix and said, "Be still now, I'm talking to your mother."

227. [found on LaughWeb] WASHINGTON, D.C (AP) - In a suprise move today, Judaism
     filed suit against the Catholic Church, claiming Catholisism copied the "look and feel" of
     the religion. Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a mono-theistic  religion
     for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh(R), The Old Testament(C), and
     the use of "CH"(tm) for the "H" sound, is suing for 2000 years of back royalties. They are
     also asking that the court disallow the use of the term "Judeo-Christian" from all
     textbooks.The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokeman from the Vatican
     stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by the two religions
     has long expired, and that the suit violates the separation of church and state.  More news
     as the case develops.

228. From "The World's Worst Jokes", by Al Boliska:

     a.   Do you know how Noah spent his time in the ark?  Well, he couldn't play cards. 
          An elephant stood on the deck!

     b.   Who was the first to come out of the ark when it stopped raining and the floods
          subsided?  Noah?  Nope... the Bible says Noah came "forth".

     c.   After it was all over, and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to
          leave, he told the animals "to go forth and multiply."  All the animals left except
          two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark.  "Why can't you go forth and
          multiply?" demanded Noah.  "We can't," answered the snakes.  "We're adders."

     d.   Sign over Adam's house: "We're Never Clothed."

     e.   Is a minister rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?

     f.   Then there is the preacher who keeps bragging that his sermons are well timed. 
          The congregation keeps looking at their watches.

     g.   "Sects!  Sects!  Sects!" said one monk to another.  "Is that all you think about?"

229. [found on LaughWeb] QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE

     a.   Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it
          holds the universe together...."

     b.   Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
          exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and
          be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
          theory which states that this has already happened."

     c.   Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
          and I'm not sure about the former."

     d.   Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought
          for those people who can't remember where they leave things."

     e.   Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the
          modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen
          from time to time."

     f.   John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one
          trifling exception, is composed of others."

     g.   Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't
          have to experience it."

     h.   Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

     i.   Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's
          hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

     j.   Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
          of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

     k.   William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe
          seems to be missing."

     l.   Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
          build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce
          bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

     m.   Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what
          it's a plan for."

     n.   Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

     o.   Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but
          not signed."

     p.   Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not
          holding a charge."

     q.   Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists
          elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

230. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] To the disciple's delight the Master
     said he wanted a new shirt for his birthday.  The finest cloth was bought.  The village
     tailor came in to have the Master measured, and promised, by the will of God, to make the
     shirt within a week.

     A week went by and a disciple was dispatched to the tailor while the Master excitedly
     waited for his shirt.  Said the tailor, "There has been a slight delay.  But, by the will of
     God, it will be ready by tomorrow."

     Next day the tailor said, "I'm sorry it isn't done.  Try again tomorrow and, if God so wills,
     it will certainly be ready."  The following day the Master said, "Ask him how long it will
     take if he keeps God out of it."

231. Have you heard the one about the guy at the Weight Watcher's meeting?  Halfway
     through, he nudged the girl sitting next to him and said, "Why don't we split and go see an
     X-rated show?"   "Which one?" she asked.   "The Galloping Gourmet," he replied.

232. "A person will be called to account on Judgment Day for every permissible thing he or she
     might have enjoyed but did not." -- Talmud

233. Another Spider Robinson groaner.  [If you weren't into health food a decade or so ago,
     this one may go over your head.  If so, count your blessings.]

     Until very recently, a tribe of killer monkeys lived undetected beneath Greenwich Village. 
     To some extent it was not surprising that they escaped notice for so long.  They had
     extremely odd sleeping habits, hibernating for 364 days out of the year (365 in leap years)
     and emerging from the caverns of the Village sewers only on Christmas Day.  Even so,
     one might have thought they could hardly help but cause talk, since they tended to awake
     to be enormous, ferocious, carnivorous, and *extremely* hungry.  Yet in Greenwich
     Village, of all places on Earth, they went unnoticed until last year, when they were finally
     destroyed.  Everyone KNOWS that Yule Gibbons ate only nuts and fruits...

234. If you can't face the future with fortitude, then use the next best thing:  three-and-a-half-titude.

235. Sign on a venetian-blind dealer's car: WATCH OUT!  BLIND MAN DRIVING!

236. [Brian found this one] HERE ARE SOME WAYS TO MAKE A REALLY LONG AND
     BORING SERMON MORE FUN:
* Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
* See if a yawn really is contagious
* Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the
priest/preacher
* Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
* Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the
alphabet. You may get stuck on 'Q' unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
* Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service,
credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front
* Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a
collection of paper airplanes.
* Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews,
without being noticed.
* Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
* Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet
out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
*  Chew gum.  If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
* Pretend to be 4 years old
* Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
* By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt around backwards.
* Try to raise one eyebrow
* Crack your knuckles
* Think about your chin for an entire minute
* Twiddle your thumbs
* Twiddle your neighbors thumbs
* Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
* Practice smiling insincerely

237. [by Spider Robinson]  I commanded a submarine in Her Majesty's Navy during the last
     World War, and had at least one secret mission.  The famous spy Harry Lime, the
     celebrated Third Man, had developed a sudden and severe case of astigmatism - and many
     of his espionage activities forbade dependence on spectacles.  At that time only one
     visionary in the world was working on the development of a practical contact lens: a
     specialist at Sir Walter Reed Hospital in America.  I was ordered to convey Harry Lime
     there in utmost secrecy, then fetch him home again.  Lime was an excellent actor, of
     course, but I began to suspect that there was nothing at all wrong with his vision.  I
     learned that he had an old girlfriend who lived twenty miles from the hospital.  So I called
     him into my cabin.  "I can't prove a thing against you," I said, "but I'm ordering you to go
     directly from the sub, Lime, to the Reed oculist."

238. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] "Calamities can bring growth and
     Enlightenment," said the Master.  And he explained it thus:

     "Each day a bird would shelter in the withered branches of a tree that stood in the middle
     of a vast deserted plain.  One day a whirlwind uprooted the tree, forcing the poor bird to
     fly a hundred miles in search of shelter - till it finally came to a forest of fruit-laden trees."

     And he concluded: "If the withered tree had survived, nothing would have induced the
     bird to give up its security and fly."

239. The college freshman had gone to sleep in the English class, so the professor threw a book
     at him.  "What hit me?" asked the freshman, startled.  "That," replied the professor, "was
     a flying Chaucer."

240. [Found on another list serv, author unknown.  NOT a joke!] "Comes the Dawn......"

     After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, and you begin to
learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your
defeats with your head up and eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, and
you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain, for plan
and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight.

     After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring your flowers,
and you learn that you really can endure, that you really do have worth, and you learn and
learn......

          with every good-bye you learn.

241. An Oriental named Chan sold teak carvings.  He noticed they were being pilfered and
     spotted small tracks, like those of a barefoot boy, outside his shop.  He concealed himself
     one night and observed a bear, with extremely small feet, enter the shop and steal two of
     the teak carvings.
        
     Chan was enraged and stood up and shouted, "Where you go, boy-foot bear with teaks of
     Chan?"

242. A marine biologist discovered a secret way of making porpoises live forever.  His only
     problem was that he had to feed them baby sea gulls which were on the endangered
     species list in his state.  One night, while driving home with a fresh load of food, he ran
     over a lion who was reposing in the middle of the highway, smoking a corncob pipe and
     reading a book.  A highway patrolman saw this and he was arrested and booked for
     transporting under-aged gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

243. A zoo acquired a gnu and placed it in a section that was not quite completed.  About two-thirds of the cage area had been tiled, and the remainder of the tile was stacked in the
     corner.  Next morning, the zookeeper was astonished to find that the rest of the tile had
     been laid, apparently by the new gnu.

     The keeper was anxious to find out if the gnu had actually laid the tile, so he placed the
     animal in another unfinished cage with a stack of tile.  The gnu laid the tile perfectly in a
     matter of minutes.

     The zookeeper called a press conference to tell of this astonishing gnu feat.  When a
     reporter asked him how he would describe the animal, the keeper thought for a moment,
     then said, "He's a typical gnu and tiler, too."

244.  [from LaughNet]  THE CREATION:
In the beginning there was the computer.  And God said
%>Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%>God
#Enter password.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect.  Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect.  Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command.  Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command.  Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear
and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the
waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl  after its kind. And God saw there were 0
errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish
of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95.  Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG
OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be
created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%>Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.


245. [from "One Minute Wisdom", by Anthony de Mello] Everyone was surprised by the
     Master's updated metaphor: "Life is like a motor car."  They waited in silence, knowing
     that an explanation would not be long in coming.

     "Oh, yes," he said at length.  "A motor car can be used to travel to the heights."  Another
     silence.  "But most people lie in front of it, allow it to run over them, then blame it for the
     accident."

246. Several stories about Randall Garrett.  All names mentioned are science fiction writers
     [including Garrett].

     a.   Ben Bova once bought Randy a beer, and Randy raised his glass and toasted: "Deo
          gratias".  Ben responded, "Thank God?"  "Yes," said Randall, drinking his beer.
          "Is that what you usually say when you drink?"  "No.  Only when an Italian is
          picking up the check.... My dear old Pappy told me many years ago, 'Never let a
          day go by without thanking God.'" ['Never let a dago buy...'  Strangely enough,
          they remained friends... ]

     b.   Isaac Asimov and Randy were at a SF convention and Harlan Ellison referred to
          them as Tweedledee and Tweedledum.  They raced each other to see which could
          say "I'm Dee" first.  [Asimov won.]

     c.   The day of Randy's wedding,  he announced at a party that evening: "But I want
          to tell you that I will continue to write under my maiden name."

247. A whole bunch of questions from Dockers:

-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
-Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
-If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
-If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
-If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
-If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
-You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the protocol if the package says,
"Open somewhere else"?
-Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
-Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you
transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
-You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the
whole plane out of the same substance?
-Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the
radio?

248. [courtesy of Jeannette]  To the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic with a Canadian
     twist:

Jesus puts His money in the bank of Montreal [3x]
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.

Jesus shops at Steinbergs just like all the other Jews [3x]
Jesus saves, etc.

Jesus walks on water, He's a lifeguard at our pool [3x]
Jesus saves, etc.

249. [courtesy of Greg Haysom]  A young seminarian went to his novice master saying, "Father
     I have been entertaining sexual fantasies."  To which the older priest replied, "My son,
     they should be entertaining you!"

250. [courtesy of Jo Lynn Cunningham]  This is a column from the Louisville (KY?) Courier
     Journal, Feb. 6, 1996.  It was written by Loyal Jones of Berea, KY.

UNWELCOME CHRISTIAN
By Loyal Jones

Let's imagine the Second Coming.  Jesus has arrived in Washington to survey the chaos in
governments, here and abroad, prior to taking over for His 1,000-year reign.

Watching TV and scanning the papers, He notes that the Christian Right is prominent in affairs
and that a youthful and honest-looking face appears time and again--that of the executive director
of the Christian Coalition.

"Ah," says Jesus, "verily this is a band I must join to help me to bring 1,000 years of perfect
government, for they speak often in My Name of family values, wholesome entertainment, and
much prayer in schools."

So He sends off His membership application.  Forthwith comes a return letter:

"Dear Mr. Christ:

"Mr. [Pat] Robertson and I have conferred over your letter of application, and we regret to inform
you that we are unable to accept you, but I should explain why we feel you are not fit for our
organization.

"Simply put, you are too liberal.

"First of all, you have often talked about and identified with the poor, and you actually suggested
that people of means ought to give something to them.  Surely you know that unearned
remuneration to people, even children, corrupts them and makes them dependent.

"This has already happened here in the U.S. of A., and today people who are smart enough and
blest enough to invest and save a wad have to pay some of it in taxes to take care of them.

"Welfare, according to Speaker Newt, has caused all of our problems.  Many are fooled by
innocent-looking children, especially if they are ill-clothed and hungry, but we have to be careful
not to corrupt them by helping them.

"You also told that rich young ruler to take what he had and give it to the poor.  It is a liberal
fallacy that the rich ought to share their wealth, or that their money might even keep them from
being good Christians.  We know that having a lot of money has not been a hindrance to most of
our members.  Just look at Mr. Robertson.

"In addition, your 'render unto Caesar what is Caesar's' statement implies that the government is
due some amount of money from those who have it. Ronald Reagan taught us conservatives that
such a policy creates a big government and that government is the problem.  He also taught us
that taxes are bad, except for building more prisons, buying more funny-looking airplanes, and
floating mirrors in the sky. 

"We also noted St. Paul's suggestion that your Father made of one blood all nations.  That sounds
suspiciously like support of the United Nations, to which we have blindly yielded our sovereignty. 
While this statement is not directly attributed to you, we feel that it is, nevertheless, your
sentiment.

"I could go on.  You once actually suggested leniency for an adulterous woman, implying to those
who were standing up for law and order that maybe they also had sinned.  I assure you that Mr.
Robertson would have cast that first stone.  You never did properly condemn sin in the manner of
your Father, like in Sodom and Gomorrah.

"In our book, you are too hung up on forgiveness.

"Finally, it is true that you said we should pray without ceasing, but nowhere have I found where
you said that we ought to do it in school.

"We are sorry.  I suggest that you join the Americans for Democratic Action."

Sincerely,
Ralph Reed
Executive Director
The Christian Coalition

251.  [courtesy of Carl Nelson]  No doubt some Bible societies will feel compelled to publish a
     new translation of the Holy Scriptures in the newly discovered language of Ebonics. 
     Here's a head start for them.

EBONICS                                          ENGLISH

Big Daddy's Rap               The Lord's Prayer
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,       Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin                Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood            Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it         Thy will be done
In this here hood and yo's         On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats               Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood  And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me    As we forgive those who trespasses against us
don't be pushing me into no jive   And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away       But deliver us from evil
'Cause you always be da Man        For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever
                                   and ever.
Aaa-men                  Amen


252. From HAND! "Have a Nice Day".  To subscribe to HAND list, send message to
     majordomo@bapp.com, in body type: subscribe HAND

     a.   There was an island just off the SW coast of France populated by Basques.  Only
          one bridge connected the island to the mainland. A second bridge was  requested
          but, for both political and economic reasons, it was never built.  Eventually,
          disaster struck. A fire that started near the entrance to the  bridge burned across
          the entire island, killing most of the Basques who  lived there. The moral of this
          story is: Don't put all of your Basques  in one exit.

     b.   A victorious African chieftan was an avid collector of thrones. After  defeating a
          neighboring tribe, his warriors would bring back the throne  of its chieftan. These
          thrones were stored on the upper floor of the  victorious chieftan's 2-story grass
          hut. Finally, disaster struck. The  hut collapsed under the weight of the thrones,
          killing the victorious  chieftan. The moral of this story is: People who live in grass
          houses  shouldn't stow thrones.

     c.   For the entymologists in the crowd, Izzy offers the origin of the term shaggy dog
          (story):   < Hebrew shin-gimel-gimel shegeg = error, mistake  + taf-aiyin-heh
          ta(g)ah = to stray, wander, be led astray :     shgg tgh --> shgy dg

     d.   When the old rancher died, he left the spread to his three sons who, as he had
          hoped, continued to run the ranch. However, they decided to change the cattle
          brand to reflect the fact that the ranch was now under "new management".

          The three sons went to their mother, the widow, and asked her to design the new
          brand. She promptly sketched 3 circles in a triangular arrangement with lines
          radiating outward. Those lines which lay along the paths from each circle's center
          to the center of the other two circles were extended until they intersected. This
          gave the appearance of a triangle with a "sun" superimposed over and centered  
          on each corner.

          When her sons asked, "What's the meaning of this design?", their mother  replied,
          "This is where the 3 sun's rays meet.  And this is where my 3 sons raise meat."

253. The orchestra was playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.  Two of the bass singers slipped
     out to the bar beside the orchestra house, figuring that they would be able to get back in
     during a pause in the music.  They had tied a piece of string to the music, the score and the
     music stand.  Why were they fired?  'They were in the last of the ninth, the basses were
     loaded, and the score was tied.'

254. [Brian found these] Answers to "Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?"
     a.   Plato:   For the greater good.
     b.   Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
     c.   Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
     d.   Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
          take.
     e.   Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
     f.   Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
          across you.
     g.   Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
     h.   Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
          individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore
          synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
     i.   Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
          found it necessary to cross the road.
     j.   Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects     
          "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the
          actualization of this potential occurrence.
     k.   Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the     
          chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
     l.   Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.
     m.   Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
     n.   Salvador Dali: The Fish.
     o.   Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
     p.   Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.
     q.   Epicurus:  For fun.
     r.   Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
     s.   Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
     t.   Ernest Hemingway:  To die. In the rain.
     u.   Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
          but it was moving very fast.
     v.   David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.
     w.   Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite      
          justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
     x.   Jack Nicholson:  'cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.
     y.   Pyrrho the Skeptic:  What road?
     z.   John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,      
          so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the  opportunity.
     aa.  The Sphinx: You tell me.
     bb.  Sappho:  Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of
          Hellas' fine armies.
     cc.  Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
     dd.  Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
     ee.  Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for      
          it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the
          fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do
          not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently
          in sociobiological speculation.
     ff.  Joseph Stalin: I don't care.  Catch it.  Crack its eggs to make my omlette.
     gg.  Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
     hh.  Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken      
          which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but  also with fear, for
          whom among them has the strength to contend  with such a paragon of avian
          virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
     ii.  Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
     jj.  Anonymous Aggie: To demonstrate to the armadillo that it COULD be done!

255. [courtesy of Brian]  Hello, Tech Support? 

This is Tech Support. How can I help you? 

     Yes, I just bought my computer a few months ago, so it's still under warranty. My
     cup-holder's broken off and I'd like to replace it. 

Cup-holder? What do you mean cup-holder? Did you get it at a trade show as a promotional
item? Does it have any markings on it? 

     No, it came it with my computer. I just push the little button and out slides a little tray to
     set my coffee cup on.  It just says "4x" on the front of it. 

At this point, the tech support guy has to put the customer on hold because he's laughing
hysterically.  He just realized that the customer has been using his CD-ROM drive tray as a coffee
cup holder and it had broken off from the weight of the cup.

256. The previous item reminds me of some classic tech support stories:

     a.   "Please turn to page 3 of the installation handbook.  There's an illustration there." 
          And the tech support guy hears the sound of shrink-wrap being ripped....

     b.   "The computer says to press any key to continue.  Where's the ANY key?"

     c.   "I can't get my computer to turn on.  I push the foot pedal and nothing happens!"
          [Well, I guess the mouse DOES look sorta like a sewing machine's foot pedal.]

     d.   "My mouse is broken.  When I push forward, the arrow goes DOWN, and when I
          push to the right the arrow goes LEFT."  Uh - the cord is supposed to be away
          from the palm of your hand, not toward it.

257. [Brian found this one] Computer Terms in the South
     a.   "Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a
          trailer load of fertilizer.
     b.   "Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
     c.   "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
     d.   "Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.
     e.   "Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
     f.   "ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
     g.   "Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
     h.   "Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
     i.   "Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
     j.   "Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beerbottle in order to get a free case.
     k.   "LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
     l.   "Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife or girlfriend.
     m.   "bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch
          longways."
     n.   "digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
     o.   "packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

258. [courtesy of Dee Christian, forwarded from Ahmad Nawaz]  Bill Gates dies in a car
     accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

     "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
     Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home
     in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've
     never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

     Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to
     let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

     "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

     So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of
     bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. 
     The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

     "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine,"
     said St. Peter, and off they went.

     Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and
     singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

     Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm.  I think I'd prefer
     Hell," he told St. Peter.

     "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

     So Bill Gates went to Hell.

     Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
     doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot
     flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

     "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

     Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This
     is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What
     happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing
     in the water?!???"

     "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

259. [courtesy of Doris A. Smith]  There's a small island, named Mercy, just off the west coast
     of Australia.  It's a lovely little place to visit:  all crags and high peaks.  (One of  your
     original "wouldn't want to live there" type of places, of course.)  In particular, one of the
     best known places to visit is a tea shop high on a hill overlooking the Pacific.  The
     proprietor names her teas after Australian flora and fauna, so that the menu has Kangaroo
     Tea, Kiwi Tea, etc.

     One day, a visitor, somewhat bemused by this little conceit, orders the Koala Tea.  When
     it arrives, though, there are bits of tea leaf floating in his tea, and he calls the waitress over
     to complain.

     Gently, but firmly, she explains to him, "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

260. Once there was a baby bird who fell out of its nest.  The night was very chilly, and the bird
     was about to freeze to death when a horse came by and dropped a load of fresh manure on
     it.  "Oh, great!" thought the bird.  "It's not bad enough that I fall out of my nest, and I'm
     freezing, but I have to die in the middle of a pile of horseshit!"

     But the fresh manure was nice and warm, and so the bird survived the night.  In the
     morning, the bird was still trapped in the manure, but all kinds of insects were attracted to
     it, and the bird could reach its head far enough to catch enough for a good breakfast. 
     Then a dog came by and started digging the bird out of the manure.  "Saved at last!"
     thought the bird happily.  When the bird was free it turned to thank the dog, who promptly
     ate it, for that was why the dog had bothered to free the bird in the first place.

     The moral of this story is: "Not everyone who dumps a pile of shit on you is your enemy. 
     Not everyone who gets you out of a pile of shit is your friend."

261. [Brian found this one]  Thoughts to Get You Through the Day
     a.   Indecision is the key to flexibility. 
     b.   You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 
     c.   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 
     d.   Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 
     e.   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
     f.   The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 
     g.   The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 
     h.   Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 
     i.   Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 
     j.   Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 
     k.   Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 
     l.   Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 
     m.   I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 
     n.   Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 
     o.   All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 
     p.   If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 
     q.   One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 
     r.   By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
     s.   Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
     t.   There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
     u.   This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 
     v.   Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 
     w.   The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it     
          yourself' thing. 
     x.   All problems can be resolved with the proper application of high explosives. 

262. [courtesy of Brian]  A guy leaves the bar and staggers to his car.  A patrol officer is
     watching from across the bar as the guy tries to open his door.  After dropping his keys a
     couple times, he gets into his car and drives off.  The cop follows the guy for a while and
     then pulls him over after he sees the guy swerving in his lane.

     The cop asks if the guy has been drinking, and the guy says "Hey, that's none of your
     business, buddy".  The cop than asks if the guy would take a breathalizer test, and the guy
     says "I ain't gonna do nothin'".  Now the cop is really pissed, so he arrests the guy and
     takes him to the station.

     At the station, the cop finally finishes the paperwork and tells the guy "Now you have a
     choice - you can take the breathalizer or a blood test.  Or you can spend the night in jail". 
     So the guy says "ok ok, I'll take the damn breathalizer test".

     As the guy is blowing into the tube, the cop looks at readout - 0.00. So the cop says "You
     haven't had a drop to drink at all tonight".  And the guy says "That's right, Tonight I was
     the DD".  The cop says "DD, you mean designated driver?"  The guy says "no, Designated
     Decoy.  All my buddies should be home from the bar by now".

263. [courtesy of Jeannette]  "If your neighbour does you harm, show your desire to be his
     friend by buying his child a drum" --  Herbert V. Prochnow

264. [by Ann Devendorf in "Arizona Highways"] Our friends retired to a small Arizona ranch
     and acquired a few sheep.  At lambing time, it was necessary to bring two newborns into
     the house for care and bottle-feeding.  As the lambs grew, they began to follow the
     rancher's wife around the farm.  "What did you name them?"  I asked her while visiting
     one day.  "Goodness and Mercy," she replied with a sigh.  [And surely Goodness and
     Mercy shall follow her, all the days of her life...]

265. A distant cousin of Syngman Rhee from Korea got a job on "Life" magazine.  He came to
     work one day, and on the second day failed to show up.  A week went by, and he didn't
     show.  Fellow workers phoned his hotel, checked all possible points where he could be
     visiting.  Finally, they organized posses and began combing the city block by block.

     One searcher entered a certain bar, and there, on a stool, was his man.  Overcome with joy
     and relief, the searcher rushed up and exclaimed: "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee, of 'Life', at last
     I've found you!"

266. A woman in Texas who couldn't afford new curtains decided to dye her old ones.  She got
     out her old black vat, mixed some brilliant blue dye and set to work.  While the woman
     was hanging her curtains on the line, a little white lamb, gamboling in the yard, fell into the
     vat.  He was fished out, unhurt, and went scurrying off to dry in the sun.  A passing
     motorist observed the bright blue lamb, thought he'd discovered a new species, and came
     up offering twice the market price.  The woman decided she had a pretty good thing. 
     Next day, she dyed a second lamb.  It, too, sold almost immediately at a fancy price. 
     From this start she developed quite a business; buying, dyeing, and selling lambs.  She
     turned out to be the biggest lamb-dyer in Texas!

267. Show me a man or woman with head held high, and I'll show you someone who can't get
     used to bifocals.

268. [courtesy of Dee Christian] From The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final
     Edition

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for
common products.  We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:  "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."  We
were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub:  Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary
Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as
substitute for human companionship.  (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball:  Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck
Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers:  Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen,
Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool
before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

    Honorable Mentions

On a Pentium chip:  If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2
shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.  (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On a refrigerator:  Refrigerate after opening.  (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a disposable razor:  Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun:  Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.  (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

On pantyhose:  Not to be used in the commission of a felony.  (Judith Daniel, Washington)

On a piano:  Harmful or fatal if swallowed.  (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine:  This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to
cause cancer in laboratory rats.  (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature:  Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid
lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking  at? Quit staring at me.  (Meg Sullivan,
Potomac)

On work gloves:  For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover
Hills)

On a palm sander:  Not to be used to sand palms.  (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)

On a calendar:  Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or
implied.  (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters:  Do not eat.  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole:  WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim,
Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender:  Not for use as an aquarium.  (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine:  WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked
buttocks.  Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac:  Caution: May cause vomiting.  (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door:  Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith,
Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks:  Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences
that may be deemed offensive.  (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)

On a wet suit:  Capacity, 1.  (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last:  On The Washington Post:  Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm,
Washington).

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave
unsaid the wrong thing in the tempting place.   -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

269.  [from LaughNet, by John Leo]  "Jesus and the Elves"

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great
with child.  And she brought forth a son and  wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a
manger because there was no room for them in the inn.  And the angel of the Lord spoke to the
shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy.  Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ
the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by.  As he
explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said
sadly.  "That's a no-no, too."  Joseph had a bright idea.  "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a
savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland
creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and
snowmen, too," he said.  "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward
religion.  Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.  Mary
complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture.  "Artistic license," he
said.  "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in
winter," he quipped.  "We're not haggard or homeless.  The inn was just full," said Mary. 
"Whatever," said the painter.  Two women began to argue fiercely.  One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood."  The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if
they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well,
then, she was all for them.  "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a
third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the
natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and
Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how
many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for
the infant's unfortunate religious character. 

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an
elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as
picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. 
He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other
arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. 
He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass
and ox.  Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.  Mary was exasperated.  "And what
about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman.  "Are you here to attack the
shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies
us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and
joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."  Sure
enough, the three wise men rode up.  The crowd gasped, "They're all male!"  And "Not very
multicultural!"  "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.  "Yes, but how many of you are
gay or disabled?" someone shouted.  A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished
lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the
world."  At last, a sane person, Mary thought.  She turned to see a radiant and confident female
face.  The woman spoke again:  "There is one thing, though.  Religious holidays are important,
but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this
business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's
winter'?"  "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in
midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far.  Centuries from now, in nations
yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. 
That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

270. AADS: Acquired Amusement Deficiency Syndrome.  Best treatment is regular doses of
     humor and exercising the inner organs with belly laughs.

271. [Shared by Jack Kolb via the Humor Digest and Wit & Wisdom] 

AFTER SPECTACULAR RISE, NOTED DOUGH BOY HAS FALLEN

  Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, 71, died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection,
complicated by obesity and hot air retention.  He was cremated, (of course), and his remains were
sealed in a  greased loaf pan shaped urn and buried Friday in the Manna Memorial  Gardens, near
Bakersfield, California.  Dozens of celebrities attended his funeral, including his longtime  friends,
Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Little Debbie, Sara Lee,
and the Hostess Twinkies.
  The grave side was piled high with flours as his godmother, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. 
With her tears flowing like syrup, she said, "Pop N. never knew he was kneaded, but he always
held a warm place in all our hearts.  Who else could have spent his whole life naked, with the
exception of wearing that cute little baker's hat, and still been so accepted by so many?"
  Fresh rose quickly in show business, and although his later life was filled with turnovers, he
refused to be flattened by fate.  He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his
dough on half-baked schemes.  Still, even as a crusty old biscuit, he was a roll model to millions.
  Fresh was preceded in death by two wives, Sugar (who succumbed to diabetes in 1953) and
Butterball (who died tragically in a fire in 1962) and is survived by his third wife, Honey.  They
had two children, Peanut and Chip, and one in the oven.

272. What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean. -- Christopher Fry

273. Think Spring -- THINK HARDER!

274. The weatherman was so often wrong in his predictions that he became the laughingstock
     of the community.  Finally, he wrote to the headquarters of the TV network he worked for
     and asked for a transfer.  "Why?"  "Because the weather here just doesn't agree with me."

275. You KNOW you are middle aged when you need to inspect the roof and chimney and you
     reach for field glasses instead of a ladder.

276. [by Juliana Lewis in "Our Family"] When the grades on my son Bill's January report card
     were lower than the previous ones, I wondered why.  "Too much excitement over the
     holidays?" I asked.  "Well, you know how it is, Mom," explained Bill.  "Just about
     everything's marked down after Christmas."

277. On a housewife's gravestone: "Big deal!  I'm used to dust."

278. From "FutureSpeak", by Roberta Rogow [a guide to the language of science fiction
     fandom]
     a.   FIAWOL: Fandom is a way of life
     b.   FIJAGDH: Fandom is just a g**d*** hobby
     c.   Filk: songs such as "Gimme that REAL Old Time Religion"
     d.   GAFIA: Get away from it all [verb is "Gafiate"]
     e.   OOPS: A privately operated rival to the U.S. Post Awful
     f.   Peanut butter: any unpleasant, dangerous or disgusting material used for costume
          purposes [REAL peanut butter was once used by a fan, and it dripped
          EVERYWHERE]
     g.   RSN: Real soon now [related to "Manana", but without the urgency]
     h.   TANJ: There Ain't No Justice! [nice all-purpose expletive]
     i.   TANSTAAFL: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch

279. Larry Niven [yet another science fiction writer] once had dinner with friends and they all
     ordered lobster Savannah.  The lobster is cut open along the back; the meat is cooked,
     chopped and mixed with herbs, then put back.  Lobster Savannah lookes like it could
     *heal*.  These beasts ran three pounds each.  Larry started talking to his dinner:

     "Doctor McCoy will see you now."
     "The Federation doesn't think you can defend yourselves without our aid."
     "Now, wretched bottom-feeder, you will tell us of your troop movements!"

     By dinner's end, Larry had arranged a mutual defense treaty with the baked Alaska.  And
     by the time they reached the hotel, Larry had been dubbed "Speaker-to-Seafood".

280. [courtesy of Jo Lynn Cunningham] "In the Beginning...",  author unknown
                                      
   God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to
file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but
was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
   Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began His earthly project in the first place. He
replied that He just liked to be creative.
   Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the
light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained
that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that He would obtain a
building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and
said He would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not
interested in semantics.
   God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so
long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having
life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society.   
   Everything was O.K. until God said He wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials
said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that
there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
   At this point God created Hell.

281. From "Life's Little Instruction Book" by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
     a.   Be brave.  Even if you're not, pretend to be.  No one can tell the difference.
     b.   Learn to listen.  Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.
     c.   Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.
     d.   Don't worry about not having enough money.  Limited funds are a blessing, not a
          curse.  Nothing encourages creative thinking in quite the same way.
     e.   Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
     f.   Don't major in minor things.
     g.   When facing a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail.  If you're going
          after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce.
     h.   Remember that overnight success usually takes about fifteen years.
     i.   Watch for big problems.  They disguise big opportunities.

282. Assorted quotes from Analog:
     a.   [by Samuel Butler] Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense
          to know how to lie well.
     b.   [by Thomas Fuller] If you leap into a well, Providence is not bound to fetch you
          out.
     c.   [by George P. Burnham] "I can't do it" never accomplished anything; "I will try"
          has performed wonders.
     d.   [by William E. Gladstone] No man ever became great or good except through
          many and great mistakes.
     e.   [by Ogden Nash] People could survive their natural trouble all right if it weren't
          for the trouble they make for themselves.

283. One Liners from various places
     a.   Old florists never die; they just make other arrangements.
     b.   Matchbooks put out by the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service bear the
          legend: "Call us before striking."
     c.   Sign at a French restaurant: "Mai oui serve vous?"
     d.   The "Vincent Van Gogh Memorial Coffee Mug": the handle is an ear, and on the
          opposite side there is a bandaid.
     e.   Federal Express is merging with UPS.  The new company will be called Fed UP.
     f.   Axiomatic: somebody chopping firewood without being told.
     g.   Sign in a craft shop: "Warning: unattended children will be captured and sold as
          slaves."
     h.   Did I ever tell you, I finished my first novel at 6? Oh, alright, so maybe it was 6:15.
     i.   Work should be pleasure - for when you are older, even your pleasure will be
          work.
     j.   These days it is now the custom to go out to dinner and stay home to watch a
          movie.
     k.   How much gray matter does it take to realize that not everything is black and
          white?
     l.   When your dreams turn to dust, you know it's time to vacuum.
     m.   Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm.

284. Oliver Wendall Holmes once mistook a mental institution for a college.  When the
     gatekeeper informed him of his mistake, Holmes said with a smile, "Well, I guess there
     isn't much difference between them anyhow."  "There certainly is," replied the gatekeeper. 
     "You must show a lot of improvement before you can get out of THIS place."

285. Nero was talking finances with one of his officers in the amphitheater in Rome.  "We
     aren't making much money from this building," Nero said.  "Any idea why?"  "Yes, I
     know," replied the officer.  "The lions are eating up all the prophets."

286. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -
     proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

287. An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost
     which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.  Not wanting to frighten off the
     ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. 
     The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot.  The happy
     photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture.  After dashing into his
     studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned.  It was underexposed and
     completely blank.  The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

288. [courtesy of Mary Sheridan]  A young man once asked God how long a million years was
     to Him.  God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." 
     Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.  God replied, "A
     million dollars to me is just like a single penny."  Then the young man got up his courage
     and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"  God smiled and replied, "Certainly,
     just a second."

289. [courtesy of Tom Lewis] A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is
     God male or female?"  After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,"Well God is
     both male and female."  This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" 

     "Well, God is both black and white."  This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God
     gay or straight?"   At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, 
     "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

     At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...  "Is God
     Michael Jackson?

290. "Whenever you make a mistake that impedes another person or that causes someone to
     lose an opportunity, your Inner Gilligan has arisen... Whenever you're struggling with
     feelings of retaliation against someone whose Inner Gilligan has interrupted your life, it's
     your Inner Skipper that's rising." -- psychologist Will Miller, in Psychology Today.

291. [Shared by Andrew Smith via Roshan's Humour List and Wit & Wisdom]  A man was
     taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of
     control and crashed.  Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
     world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. 

     He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is
     fine and you have a son and a daughter.  But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the
     birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for
     you."  

     The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well
     what did you name them?"  

     The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

     The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" 
     The brother replied, "Denephew."

292. From "Disgracefully Yours", by The Hen Co-op.

     a.   [by Edna Ferber] Living in the past is a dull and lonely business, looking back
          strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way.

     b.   [by Margaret Millar] Life is something that happens to you while you're making
          other plans.

     c.   [by Gloria Steinem] I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
          marriage and a career.

     d.   [by Nancy, Lady Astor] I used to dread getting older because I thought I would
          not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I
          don't want to do them.

     e.   Put all the "can't"s in one heap and make room for one "CAN".

     f.   [by Glenda Jackson] The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. 
          If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.

     g.   [by Dorothy Rowe] Don't burden yourself with stupid, wrong notions about age
          and time.  Don't tell yourself you've got to have made it by the time you're thirty,
          or that you're finished at forty, or a fossil at fifty.  If you want a quiet life and to
          pass peacefully into gentle old age, do just that.  And NEVER apologize for
          existing.

     h.   [by Barbara, with apologies to Wordsworth!] I wandered lonely as a cloud - but
          loneliness is such a bore....

     i.   [by Ingrid Bergman] Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

     j.   [by Barbara] I make lists as well as I'm able, then leave them behind on the table. 
          My mind's like the Tower of Babel...

     k.   [by Germaine Greer] The best time of life is always now because it is the only time
          there is.  You can't live regretting what's past, and you can't live anticipating the
          future.  If you spend any amount of time doing either of these things you'll never
          live at all.

     l.   Recipe for a disgraceful life: Take 3 old life assumptions and break them.  Whisk
          vigorously.


293. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge, is
     shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." -- Albert Einstein

294. "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.  Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. 
     Walk beside me, and just be my friend." - -  Albert Camus

295. From HAND! "Have a Nice Day".  To subscribe to HAND list, send message to
     majordomo@bapp.com, in body type: subscribe HAND

  Another from the collection of Mark Freed:

              Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

     If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an
Oriental rug. Shag is good!

     Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening.

     He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat
food on your breath, so much the better.

     For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.

     Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and
stare.

     For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or
a quick nip on the ankles.

     Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your
mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about
several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

     If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.  For book readers, get in close
under the chin, unless you can lie across the  book itself.

     For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then  reach out and slap knitting
needles sharply. This is what she calls a  dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

     For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the
second time, push anything movable off  the table -- pens,  pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

     Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4
a.m.

296. [courtesy of Brian] A kid asked God why it [the earth] is raining. God said 'Because it is
     crying.' The kid then asked, 'Why is it crying?' God's reply? 'It was probably because of
     something you did.'

297. A young Jewish boy was listening to his Hebrew teacher quote Scripture.  "The Lord our
     God is One," the teacher declared.  "When will He be two?" the youngster asked.

298. This was supposedly first printed in the Vancouver Sun and contains real answers given on
     a Bible knowledge test.
     a.   Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
     b.   Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
     c.   Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
     d.   The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
     e.   Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
     f.   Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
     g.   The people who followed Jesus were the 12 Decibels.
     h.   The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
     i.   One of the oppossums was St. Matthew.
     j.   Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Harrod's.
     k.   Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
     l.   David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
     m.   The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.
     n.   A Christian should have only one wife.  This is called monotony.

299.  [from LaughNet]  How I Got Into Heaven...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy
day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so
today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man
hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on
him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand
that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but
okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over
the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I
had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for
his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.  Well, this morning I must have slipped or
something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on
the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out
onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter
explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

300. [courtesy of Dee Christian, forwarded from Ahmad Nawaz] THIS IS AN ACTUAL
     LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the
clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of
the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
have tipped you off to its modern origin:

    1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
 
    2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

    3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common
domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed
the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather
heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

        A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

        B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen
carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best
of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to
produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the
National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one,
fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down
because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.
 
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the
great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have
previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly
anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us
are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on
your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix"
that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
