HUMOR4 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at     CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

**** Tuesday 2/11/97

George Washington Carver, the great botanist and educator who died more than 50 years ago,
often summarized his view of life with this story:

"When I was young, I said to God, 'Tell me the mystery of the universe.'  But God answered,
'That knowledge is reserved for Me alone.'  So I said, 'God, tell me the mystery of the peanut.'

"Then God said, 'Well, George, that's more nearly your size.'  And He told me."
**********************************************************
W.C. Fields, the comedian, was wealthy and very successful.  His lifestyle was often at variance
with Gospel living.  Toward the end of his life, however, he spent a lot of time reading the Bible. 
Someone asked him why he did this, and he replied, "I'm looking for any loopholes I can find!"
**********************************************************
[From Dr. Frasier Crane - Richmond, Virginia, USA, via Sebastian's Humor Service] 

MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...
 
Amnesia?-------------What did you just ask me?
Apathy? ---------------I don't care.
Bigotry? ---------------I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Dyslexia? -------------Beeing Sackwards
Egotistical? ----------I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive?--------------Go do your homework.
Flatulent?-------------That question really stinks!
Hostility?--------------If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you !
Ignorance?------------I don't know.
Indifference?---------It doesn't matter.
Influenza?-------------You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia?-------------I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent?----------- I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Narcissism?----------Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective?--- I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid?------------You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination?---- I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive?-----------I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered?------Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious?----------Why are you asking me all these questions? 
**********************************************************
[Shared by Roshan's Humour List via Wit & Wisdom]  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train
station is where a train stops.  On my desk I have a workstation........


**** Wed 2/12/97

[courtesy of Brian]  RTFM - Read the manual Please

I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it arrived with this article in
the packaging. No kidding!

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of
years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical
bone-head consumer maneuvour. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE
KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST
FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT
AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP
THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective"
merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertent-ly bathed the device in acid for six
days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than
to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS
MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee,
Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question.
It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY
OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store
personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should also contain: 

* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A little plastic packet
containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way
through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because
nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation
Group, which, in a contin-uing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where
One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a
damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT
DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth
section may cause a large occur-rence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very
maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts
thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between
now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no
charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves
and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the
attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER  HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

**** Thurs 2/13/97

-> Isaiah's Rough Draft <-

"The people who walk in darkness....
     use less electricity.....[no]
     stub their toes a lot....[no]
     spend most of the time sleeping....[no]
     are usually burglars....[no]
     could really use a flashlight....[no]
          AHA!
     have seen a great light!" -- Isaiah 9:1
**********************************************************
[courtesy of Yosef Krinsky of Israel, via HAND!]

The little Orthodox Jewish boy, David was having trouble at school, in fact he was kicked out of
the school.  His parents not knowing what to do asked a social worker.  She said, "for the good
of the child he must go to a public school, you see he needs more freedom to express himself!"
The parents are in shock, our boy in a public school???!!

In the end, they sent David to the school.  The second day this third grader was expelled.  The
parents returned to the social worker asking what to do now. "You see," the social worker says,
"David really needs more structure, and it was my mistake.  You must send him to a military
academy."  "What our son in the army..."

They send him to the academy and after 2 days he's courtmartialed and expelled. Not knowing
what to do they go back to the social worker. She says, "there is only one alternative, that's a
Catholic school."

The parents are in shock, "our child David, going to them!!"  But in the end they send him.  David
becomes the perfect student.  At the end of the year the seniors ask him to speak to the
graduating class.

First, the parents ask him, "nu, David, first our school, then the public school, then the military
school, nothing worked.  Why all of a sudden, with the Catholics you become the model
student??"

David looks at his father and says "Dad, the first day the mother superior sat me down in the chair
and pointed above the chalkboard and said, 'see that, that's the last Jewish boy that misbehaved
here'".
**********************************************************
[from El Phantasmo, via Sebastian's Humor Group]   A Kentucky family took a vacation to New
York City. One day, the father  took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by
everything  they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like
this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel
chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles
of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction.   The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." 

**** Fri 2/14/97

[From Royalty6, via HAND!]   A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found
the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.  "Listen," said the CEO,
"this is important, and my secretary has left.  Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.   He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.  "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 
"I just need one copy."
**********************************************************
[From from David & Virginia, via HAND!]    An Indian, a Mexican and an Irishman were
stranded on a desert island after their ship sank in a storm. A few weeks had passed when a
strange bottle washed ashore. The Indian picked it up and rubbed the sand off its surface.
Suddenly there was a flash and a large genie appeared before them. The genie granted each man
one wish.  "Oh, please," said the Indian, "I want to go home to India!" In an instant he was gone. 
"I want to go back to Mexico City!" The Mexican pleaded. In a flash  he too disappeared. There
stood the Irishman, alone with the genie.  "Gosh, it sure is lonely around here," the Irishman
said."I wish I had my two friends back!"
**********************************************************
[courtesy of Dee Christian]  Subject: Rules for GOOD writing.  Here are several very important
but often forgotten rules of English:
     a.   Avoid alliteration.  Always.
     b.   Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
     c.   Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat.)
     d.   Employ the vernacular.
     e.   Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
     f.   Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
     g.   It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
     h.   Contractions aren't necessary.
     i.   Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
     j.   One should never generalize.
     k.   Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. 
          Tell me what you know."
     l.   Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
     m.   Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
     n.   Profanity sucks.
     o.   Be more or less specific.
     p.   Understatement is always best.
     q.   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
     r.   One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
     s.   Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
     t.   The passive voice is to be avoided.
     u.   Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
     v.   Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
     w.   Who needs rhetorical questions?
**********************************************************
[From Royalty6, via HAND!]    This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to
where to report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell.  He sees one sign that says "
For Women" and then notices a sign that says "For Men." As he  approaches the aisle for men, he
sees one window with a sign "For men who were dominated by women in life" and the line of men
standing in that line was very long.  Then he saw another sign that said "For men who dominated
women."  He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.  At the window, God
approached him and remarked " Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred
years - you must be a tough person."  The man said  "Not really, my wife asked me to stand in this
line."

**** Sat 2/15/97

[From someone who wishes to remain anonymous!]  An American is traveling in Ireland.  One
night, in Belfast, he is making his way back to his hotel from a pub.  Someone grabs him, pulls
him into a doorway, holds a knife at his throat, and demands, "Quick, now:  Are ye Catlick, or
Prootestant?" [that's an attempt to portray an Irish brogue]  The American responds, "Neither
one; I'm Jewish!!"  And the assailant says, "Ah, by all the saints, I'm the luckiest Arab in all of
Ireland!!"
**********************************************************
[courtesy of Amy Lundgren]  Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!
**********************************************************
[From Brian]  At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were
given an awkward question to answer.  "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that
your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you
would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
onboard.  With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the
runway, let alone takeoff.
**********************************************************
Tom Murphy's "Illustrated Guide to Breaking Your Computer" can be found on the net at
http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html
**********************************************************
[From Brian]  Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed
when your friends or co-workders start spouting reams and reams of technical jargon that you will
never understand? Then this article is for you! We'll help you get over your fear of technical
terminology by tickling your funny bone.  We'll start with some definitions that SHOULD be true,
and we hope are entertaining.
     a.   486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
     b.   State - of - the - art - Any computer you can't afford.
     c.   Obsolete - Any computer you own.
     d.   Microsecond - The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become
          obsolete.
     e.   Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
     f.   GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your
          coffee on it.
     g.   Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while
          programming.
     h.   Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
     i.   Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
     j.   Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
     k.   Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
     l.   Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on
          vacation and on business trips.
     m.   Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
     n.   Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
     o.   System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

**** Sunday 2/16/97

[Shared by "lewlaw" via Laugh Works, via Wit & Wisdom] A friend was in front of me coming
out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. 
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.  Pastor said, "You need to join the Army
of the Lord!"  My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."  Pastor questioned,
"How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"  He whispered back, "I'm in the
secret service."
**********************************************************
[by Tracey Keating in "Catholic Digest"] My husband and I greatly enjoy our work with Engaged
Encounter, a weekend retreat that enables engaged couples to develop a deeper relationship with
each other and with God.  It truly is a spiritual and emotional experience.  Few couples leave
without having laughed, cried, and prayed together.

Consequently, the members of the Engaged Encounter community are quite generous with their
time and talents.  One priest, in particular, will be remembered fondly by the couples who
attended his weekend.  On Saturday night, during a time of candlelight prayer, his pager went off. 
"I told God," he explained, "where to reach me tonight!"
**********************************************************
After church, a woman shook the pastor's hand at the door and went on and on in her praise. 
"That sermon," she exclaimed, "was one of the most wonderful I've ever heard!"  The humble
pastor couldn't accept such a great compliment.  "Oh, it really wasn't me," he said, "It was all the
Lord."  "Oh, no," she quickly assured him, "it wasn't THAT good."
**********************************************************
[by Colleen Stavioha in "Catholic Digest"] At our parish festival and fund-raiser, the pastor won
the job of drawing names from a barrel for the raffle.  First, he drew fifth prize and announced the
winner, then fourth prize and so on.  Finally, he reached the grand prize, a new car.  "This is
wonderful," he said, drawing a name from the barrel and smiling.  "The new car goes to Nancy
Perkins, whom I had the pleasure of marrying just three months ago!"

Our 6-year-old looked stunned but said not a word.  The rest of the afternoon he was unusually
quiet.  On the way home in the car, he opened his mouth for the first time.  "Am I the only one,"
he asked, "who thinks it's weird that Father John's wife just happened to be the one who won the
car?"
**********************************************************
[by Mary Catherine Ahearn, in "Catholic Digest"] As I approached the church entrance a friend
stepped aside and held the door for me.  "Thank you, Bill," I said as I walked through.  "Is there a
tip involved?"  "Oh, no, Mary Catherine," he answered.  "My mother taught me never to be good
for money, but always to be good for nothing."
**********************************************************
[From Sweet-Low, via Sebastian's Humor Group]   Top ten ways the Bible would have been
different if written  by college students.

10).   Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
 9).   Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written
in a large font, they look like ten.
 8).   Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
 7).   Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
 6).   Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
 5).   The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
 4).   Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
 3).   Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask
directions and look like a Freshman.
 2).   Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
 1).   Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put
it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

**** Monday 2/17/97

[From Primal Void Engineer, via Sebastian's Humor Group]  MacGyver Cookie Recipe

Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myself for you the way Paul Newman
does, so I just wrote up this cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I
make'em in my own kitchen at home.

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
   Frequent flier coupons
   One medium paperclip (not plastic coated)
   One movie ticket stub

Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind of food, so
the first thing you'll want to do to make them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and
relax.  Ecuador is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip ticket there.
The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to
need those for the cookies.

You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at Cornell; she'll
explain that she's going to Ecuador to try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles
in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride,
well known in archaeological circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who,
according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of
powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day,
were pretty darn all-around nifty.

Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal, discovered
that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was really
an advanced space traveller with comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost
pyramid of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his
world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to
save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--the woman next to you will be
too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead
and keep her crackers too.

When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of  the airport and try to locate a
cab. There won't be any, for some  reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where
transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him,
you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly
shaking hand, he'll thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be
careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe
waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the way, though, be sure to
stop at the concession stand and ask for a half-pound of chocolate chips.  The clerk will measure
the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the
handful of change you pull from your pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and
then surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then
hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."

At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse before a swarthy man with a
mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk
will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on the plane drives
up in her rental car and offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the
mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot
and on your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first
one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle backfiring. She'll
be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank
first to take care of a little business. While she's talking with the bank representative, you casually
wander back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a
fair sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine
lotion; take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box.
Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.

Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of paper--it's a map
leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle.  Look more closely at it just as your
companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and exclaims "That's my
father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle
with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the
hidden temple and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.

There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in
his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until
softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir
until creamed. And two eggs from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and
two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was
hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips
from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss army knife
spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol.

Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but in doing so
will bump against the gold torch held in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding
sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab slides out of the way
and you'll see her father chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers.
While they're having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room
and bring it into the lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the
cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father
will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in question is
clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting
device--except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning
the front partial mirror. 

Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss army knife to
realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect
the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the
high-powered laser to cut through the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on
the other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the
room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on
and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in particular--with high-energy
radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second
brief romantic moment where you kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running
around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all" the cookies should be
done.

Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system for the laser
has failed and it's about to explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the
pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will
be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing
them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just
moments before the entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along
with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.

By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat.. Enjoy. Your companions will have a few too,
wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie
and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the plans for what appear to
be some sort of space drive.

Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever tried-- I've made it dozens of times
and haven't had a single bad batch yet.

**********************************************************
***** Tues 2/18/97

[by John M. Ford] "$TAR WAR$"
Evil threatens a rebel uprising!
Well - the plot contains nothing surprising:
    Let your lightsaber guide you,
    The Force is behind you - 
And ten million in post-merchandising.
**********************************************************
[From Tej, via Sebastian's Humor Group]    The Lone Bat

     A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave discovers a single bat STANDING upright
underneath on the floor of the cave.   Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow:
     "What the hell are you doing down there?"
     And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!" 
**********************************************************
[From Bob, via Sebastian's Humor Group]  Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around
their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked,  "Did you call
me?"   "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."
**********************************************************
[courtesy of Anne Robin]  What's the difference between a cat and a comma? --  a cat has claws
at the end of its pause, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.
**********************************************************
[courtesy of Tom Lewis] What's the difference between heaven and hell?

In heaven,
   the British are the police,
   the French are the cooks,
   the Italians are the lovers,
   and the entire affair is organized by the Germans.

In hell,
   the French are the police,
   the British are the cooks,
   the Germans are the lovers,
   and the entire affair is organized by the Italians.

[Did I fail to offend anyone?]
**********************************************************
A little boy, concerned that he might not get the bicycle he wanted so badly for his birthday,
decided to take matters into his own hands.  He took a small statue of the Blessed Virgin, tucked
it in a shoebox, and put it under his bed.  Then, kneeling beside his bed, he prayed, "Dear Jesus, if
you ever want to see your mother again..."

**********************************************************
Everyone in town knew Grandpa was getting a little forgetful, so Grandma wasn't surprised when
he came home announcing that he had lost his umbrella.  "When did you first miss it?"  she asked. 
"Just this minute," he replied.  "The rain stopped and when I reached up to close it, it was gone!"

**********************************************************

***** Wed 2/19/97

[From Mats Elmeskog, via HAND!]    A store in the outskirts of San Fransisco had been
burglarized several times in the past year. One of the owners decided it would be a good  idea to
get a guard-dog. He told his partner that he would invest in one and he went off to buy it.

  Somehow he managed to end up in Chinatown, and he found a petshop that boasted to have the
best guard-dogs money could buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the
dogs he could see were Pekingese.

  "Excuse me", he said to the manager, "But the sign outside says you sell guarddogs. Where are
they?"  The manager, an elderly chinese, replied: "Oh, but these are highly trained guard-dogs.
They all know karate."

  "Karate!! No way."  "I show you", the shopowner says.  He takes one of the pekingese out on
the backyard, and he puts the pekingese in front of a brick. The dog stand absolutely still. The
shopkeepers gives a command: "Karate! Brick!"  And with complete astonishment the would be
buyer sees the little dog perform a perfect karatechop, splitting the brick in half. Totally amazed
he buys the dog, and returns to his own store.

  When he shows the guarddog pekingese to his partner, the partner thinks he is completely mad,
and tells him to return the pekingese immediately.  "But, he is a trained guard dog", the buyer
says.  "Yeah sure", his partner replies.  The buyer puts the pekingese on the floor and says: "He
knows karate!!"

  With a sneer his partner retorts: "Karate! My Foot!"
**********************************************************

[From Primal Void Engineer, via Sebastian's Humor Group]  Procrastinator's Calender

     NEG  FRI  FRI  FRI  THU  WED  TUE
     8    7    6    5    4    3    2
     16   15   14   12   11   10   9
     23   22   21   20   19   18   17
     32   30   28   27   26   25   24
     39   38   37   36   35   34   33


 1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush
    jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or
    project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

 2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three
    Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those
    persons who are paid on Fridays.

 3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for
    month-end panic jobs.

 4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery
    of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

 5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with
    non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

 6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping
    the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

***** Thurs 2/20/97
[From Jeannette Schiff]  
SYMPTOMS OF INTERNET ADDICTION
==========================
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
      your e-mail on the way back to bed.
 
2. You get a tattoo that reads "This person best viewed with Netscape
      Navigator 1.1 or higher."
 
3. You name your children after famous email artists.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
      lap checking your email and your child in the overhead
      compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
      just for the free internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.

8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.  You
      start to twitch.  You pick up the phone and manually dial your
      ISP's access number.  You try to hum songs to communicate with
      the modem. And you succeed.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
      a word processor.com
 
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

12. You start introducing yourself as "Tony at I-I-Net dot net dot com"

13. All of your close friends have an @ in their names.

14. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
 
15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
      again.

16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
 
17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because
      they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
 
18. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
      landscape.

19. You tell the cab driver you live at
      http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
 
20. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
**********************************************************
***** Fri  2/21/97

[From Skip, via HAND!]  PHILOSOPHIES

 *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 *  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 *  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 *  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 *  He who hesitates is probably right.
 *  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 *  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 *  The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
 *  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
 *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 *  Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
 *  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 *  Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
 *  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 *  The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
**********************************************************
[From Soo Lee, via Sebastian's Humor Group]   Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the
rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
among  them.

 First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed
on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to
get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

 Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my
right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M
KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

 Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to
"take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply
MUST keep all MY cows."

 They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the
pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever
seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the
breaking point.

 First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my
cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

 Second Bull:  "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the
pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

 They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his
horns, and snorting.

 First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and
live to tell about it."

 Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
**********************************************************
***** Sat  2/22/97
[courtesy of Lobster]  A Rabbi dies and goes up to heaven.  At the gates St Peter bars his
entrance.  "But I was a man of God and preached his word."  St Peter does not let him in.  Then a
reckless bus driver who the rabbi knows comes to the gates . . . and is waved on in.  "What is the
meaning of this - why is that life endangering bus driver let in,  when I a man of God am not?" 
splutters the enfuriated Rabbi.  Finally St Peter says, "When you were preaching - people were
sleeping, but when he was driving - EVERYONE was praying . . ."
**********************************************************
Somebody said about the big-headed actor, "I hear he's changing his faith."  "You mean," asked
somebody else, "he no longer believes he's God?"
**********************************************************
[from Michael G. Dunnington]  How would the Church of England deal with "the cat sat on the
mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of  course mean that the cat
literally sat on the mat.  Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and
anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make an essential
condition of faith that a real physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus
species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its
whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor but not of
the floor.  The expression "on the floor but not of the floor" would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed
Cat.  This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread
before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven.  This is commemorated by the singing
of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.

This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes tradition requires Holy Cats
Day [as it is colloquially known], to be marked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four
times.  This would partly be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional
validity of each.

Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline
Sedentation.  It would explain, traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped
superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface.  For determining its salvific and
eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with
the Canine Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas].  And so on, for another 210 pages.

The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to
explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat.
**********************************************************
***** Sun  2/23/97
How do you get fresh air in a Russian church?
Click on an icon to open a window!
**********************************************************
[found by Jeannette on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs,
She asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need
not disclose your name or address even if you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

        __ Newspaper                    __ Other Book
        __ Television                        __ Divine Inspiration
        __ Word of mouth                     __ Near Death Experience
        __ Bible                                  __ Other
        __ Torah                                  (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God?  Please check all that apply.

        __ Tarot                             __ Lottery
        __ Horoscope                         __ Television
        __ Fortune cookies                   __ Ann Landers
        __ Self-help books                   __ Sex
        __ Biorythms                         __ Alcohol or drugs
        __ Mantras                           __ Other: _____________________
        __ Insurance policies                __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
prefer (circle one)?

                a. More Divine Intervention
                b. Less Divine Intervention
                c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
                d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 her handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

        a. Disasters (flood, famine,
             earthquake, war)                 1   2   3   4   5

        b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous
             remission of disease, sports
             upsets)                          1   2   3   4   5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if
necessary):  _________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________


                             Thank you!
**********************************************************
***** Mon  2/24/97

[courtesy of Tom Lewis]  Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid
holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!!  Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
**********************************************************
[from HAND!]   quoted from the signature line of an engineer:

DISCLAIMER:
This Email message does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my
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second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text used in this email message is made from
100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of this
message; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if
symptoms persist consult a humorologist; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible
penalties for early withdrawal; allow four to six weeks for delivery; disclaimer does not cover
hurricane, lightening, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of
God, misuse neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, typos, misspelled
words, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations,
electomagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in this
Email message, and incidents owing to motor vehicle accidents, airplane crash, ship sinking, leaky
roof, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, broken glass, flying projectiles, or dropping the item;
other restrictions may apply.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...
If something offends you, lighten up, get a life and move on.
**********************************************************
***** Tue  2/25/97

THE BIG PICTURE 

Once upon a time in a tropical land, there lived a king who had an optimistic advisor.  This
lieutenant was so positive, in fact, that the king was often annoyed by his practice of constantly
finding good in everything.

One day while the king and the lieutenant were on a journey through the jungle, the king was
chopping a fresh coconut for breakfast, and his machete slipped, cutting off his toe.  The aching
monarch limped to show his misfortune to the lieutenant, who exclaimed, "That's wonderful!"

"What did you say?" asked the king, astonished.

"This is a real blessing!"

Hearing this response, the king became very angry; this man was obviously poking fun at his
mishap.  

"Take it from me," the lieutenant exhorted, "behind this apparent accident there is some good we
do not see."

That was the last straw!  Furious, the king picked up the lieutenant and hurled him into a dry well. 
Then he set out to find his way back to his castle.

En route, the king was apprehended by a band of headhunters who decided that he would make
an excellent sacrifice for this month's offering to the volcano.  The warriors took him to the tribal
priest, who prepared him for the dubious honor.

As the holy man was anointing the reluctant sacrifice, he noticed that the king was missing a toe. 
"I'm sorry," the priest informed the king, "we cannot use you -- the volcano goddess accepts only
full-bodied sacrifices; you are free to go."

Overjoyed, the king hobbled out of the tribal camp.  Suddenly it dawned on him that the
lieutenant had been correct -- there was indeed a hidden blessing behind this seeming misfortune!

As quickly as he could, the king found his way back to the well where he had left the lieutenant. 
To the ruler's delight, his companion was still sitting in the well, whistling happily.  (He was
indeed a positive thinker!)  The king offered the lieutenant a hand, pulled him out of the well, and
apologized profusely.

"I am terribly sorry I threw you in there!" the king confessed, as he dusted his advisor's shoulders. 
"I was taken prisoner by some wild natives who were about to cast me into the volcano.  But
when they saw my toe was missing, they let me go.  It was actually a miracle, which you foretold
-- and I so thoughtlessly cast you into this pit!  Can you ever forgive me?"

"No apology necessary," replied the lieutenant.  "It was also a blessing that you left me in the
well." 

"Now how are you going to make something positive out of that?" quieried the king.

"Because," the lieutenant explained, "if I was with you, they would have taken me for the
sacrifice!"

**********************************************************
***** Wed  2/26/97
[From Primal Void Engineer, via Sebastian's Humor Group]  Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's
Dictionary", by Henry Bread and Roy McKie

Alp:
     One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
     Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
     One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
     timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard, First
     Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
     Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
     a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
     across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
     There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however;
     the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
     Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.  It's good exercise,
     doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets.  It has no crowds or
     lines.  See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
     Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
     snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
     nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and
     the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder
     of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
     A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
        1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
        2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
           skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
        3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
           then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
     Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
     but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
     should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
     dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
    One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
    The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
    the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
    electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
    ski-resort parking lots.  See Inertia.

Inertia:
    Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
    due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along with
    these other physical laws:
       1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
          the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger
          hospital and home care bills.
       2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
          out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
          our universe.
       3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree")

Prejump:
     Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead
     of a bump.  Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
     losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
     a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

Shin:
     The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
     where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
     from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!:
     A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
     hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
     (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

Skier:
     One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
     Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
     straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
     forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
     little crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should be
     quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor:
     The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse:
     To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
     methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
     The other method of reducing speed.
**********************************************************
***** Thu  2/27/97

[found on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

Ted Vogel says the burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of
opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video
outfit.  All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way. 

The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the
goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly
wait. 

That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the
doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. 

It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into
the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. 

"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. 

The burglar froze in his tracks. 

"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. 

When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of
the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. 

"I see you and Jesus sees you." 

The burglar laughed. 

"Just a dumb bird," he said. 

The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean
looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. 

"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said. 
**********************************************************
[Shared by Sebastian's Humor List, via Wit & Wisdom]
HEY !!!   CHEER UP...

*  The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

*  They say the house didn't float very far at all.

*  We're all amazed that you go on living each day.

*  Well, at least the operation was a partial success.

*  The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.

*  With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.

*  The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.

*  At least the passenger side air bag inflated.

*  The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

*  At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.

*  The insurance pays the full book value ($ 312) for your 1956 T Bird.

*  The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

*  Those Grand Juries always over-react.  Don't worry about it.

*  The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
**********************************************************
***** Fri  2/28/97
The two assassins were lying in wait for their "hit", who came that way every day at the same
time.  When he didn't show after two hours, one said to the other, gun in hand: "I can't
understand what happened to him.  I hope he didn't have an accident."
**********************************************************

Teacher: Johnny, would you like to go to heaven?
Johnny: Yes, but Mother told me to come home right after school.
**********************************************************
[courtesy of Dee Christian]  The Poet and the Scientist

There were once two people traveling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the
same compartment.  They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation
between the two.  The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty
of the passing terrain.  The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so
he could try to figure them out.

After a while, the scientist was getting bored, so he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a
game?"

The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the
window, humming quietly to himself.  This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again,
"Hey, you, do you want to play a game?  I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give
me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was
obviously a very bright man.  He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, very frustrated at this point, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if
you can't answer it, you give me $5.  Them you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll
give you $50!"

Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid.  He readily accepted
the offer.

"Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. 
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.  The scientist happily accepted
the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three
legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face.  He thought about this for a long time,
taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations.  Then he gave up on his notepad and
took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.

After about an hour of this, with the poet quietly watching the mountain scenery go by the whole
time, the scientist finally gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.  The poet accepted it
graciously, and turned back to the window.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted.  "You can't do this to me!  What's the answer??"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
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