HUMOR5 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at     CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

***** Sat 3/1/97
[found on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

Now as we all know, Grace is an important part of every good Christian's meal. But what about
Atheists? What do they do when meal time comes around? Here we have a sort of Grace for those
who are less under grace than those good Christians:

"Now let us all join hands and say Grace.

     Oh gracious (insert name of supermarket here), we thank thee for thy bountiful gifts. Tonight
we feast on generous helpings of food that were purchased from your glourious shelves. You
graced us with sales on this leg of lamb for us to feast on, and two-for-one specials on macaroni
and cheese. And we will try, in your name, to buy healthy food, so we do not succumb to the evils
of the fat demons. For we know if we are wicked and eat too much of the brownies we recieved,
we will be under the power of the devilish personal trainer for eternity. We must withstand Fat's
temptation and defeat him with regular exercise. In (insert name of supermarket here)'s name,

Dig in."
**********************************************************
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

                    How To Photograph A New Puppy
    1.  Remove film from box and load camera
    2.  Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
    3.  Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
    4.  Choose a suitable background for photo
    5.  Mount camera on tripod and focus
    6.  Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
    7.  Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
    8.  Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
    9.  Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
   10.  Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
   11.  Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
   12.  Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
   13.  Put magazines back on coffee table
   14.  Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
   15.  Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
   16.  Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,
        outside! No, outside!"
   17.  Call spouse to clean up mess
   18.  Fix a drink
   19.  Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy  "sit"
     and "stay" the first thing in the morning
**********************************************************
***** Sun 3/2/97
[from Brian] How would word processor messages differ if written by adherents to some different
Christian denominations, especially the message seen when quitting before saving work?

Non-sectarian:  Do you wish to Save your work?

Roman Catholic: Registry indicates user is Female; only Males are able to Save.

Anglican:       Your work may or may not be Saved.

Lutheran:       If you don't follow the instruction manual, don't expect your work to be Saved.

Mennonite:      Document contains the word "dancing"; it cannot be Saved.

JWs:            You are user #144,001; your work cannot be Saved.

Mormon:         Could we interest you in Saving your work?

Millenarian:    It is almost too late to Save your work.

S. Baptist:     If your work was not Saved, it is because you are evil.

TV Preacher:    This program has made mistakes in the past, but it will try to Save *this* file.

Born-again:     Before Saving your work, this program will erase all existing data; Proceed?

Faith healers:  If you believe your work will be Saved, it will be Saved.
**********************************************************

[found on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the
Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.)
Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just
"Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.

                             The Ten Suggestions

          1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods
          besides me.

          2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
          shop class. 

          3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the
          express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God"
          is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai
          thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is
          unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God. 

          4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

          5. Honor thy single parent. 

          6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die. 

          7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office. 

          8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.) 

          9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
          before Judge Wapner. 

          10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or
          his powertools. 
**********************************************************
*****Mon 3/3/97
[from HAND!]
        WHERE DO CHARACTERS GO WHEN YOU DELETE THEM

QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key
on my PC?

ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending
on whom you ask:

1)  The Catholic's approach to characters:

 The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good.  The
 characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are
 soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in
 sight.  Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have
 never been, er, involved with other characters.  Often, you'll see A's
 or I's with N's or T's.  These are characters in love:  monogamous on
 the page, together again after deletion.  You'll see quite a few Q's
 too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason.

 The naughty characters are punished for their sins.  In case you were
 wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty
 character is, I'll tell you.  Naughty characters are those involved in
 the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity,"
 and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive
 freedom," "contraception," and "science."  You may ask, and rightly so,
 why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact
 they are not responsible for their own configuration.  But we feel that
 a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own
 configuration.  If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming,
 it would rebel.

2) The Buddhist Explanation:

 If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it
 has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
 character.  Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard
 will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters
 will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will
 become C's.  Why C, you ask?  Who knows, but C it is!  If a character's
 karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale,
 ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

 Who cares?  All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
 meaningless nothingness.  It doesn't really matter if they're on the
 page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc.  It's all the same.  More
 characters should delete themselves.  (nihilist characters are easy to
 identify.  They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)

4) The Mac user's explanation:

 All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC
 hell.  If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted
 characters, because you're in PC hell also.

5) Stephen King's explanation:

 Every time you hit the  key you unleash a tiny monster inside the
 cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks
 their blood, then eats them, bones and all.  Hah, hah, hah!

6) Dave Barry's explanation:

 The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
 they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so
 flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable.  I'm not making
 any of this up.

 7) IBM's explanation:

 The characters are not real.  They exist only on the screen when they
 are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
 de-conceptualize them.  Get a life.

 8) Environmentalist's Explanation:

 You've been DELETING them????  Can't you hear them SCREAMING???  Why
 don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!!

**********************************************************
*****Tues 3/4/97
[Shared by LAUGH, PLEASE via Wit&Wisdom]

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
 
 Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.
 
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
 
  (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial  your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the  time you called, please press
star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP  

 This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is "supercilious".
 
 Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
 
  I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
 
 Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for
Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

 Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the
shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...
(Cachunk!)
 
  Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If  you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it
is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big
time phone system.
 
  I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to
the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I
mean, like, wait. This is so confusing.
 
 The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number
is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
 
 You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers  will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near  future to further explain
the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
**********************************************************
*****Wed 3/5/97
[from Brian]  Why did the chicken cross the road? [#254 revisited]

Heisenberg:  Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you
can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Xeno:  The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an infinitessimal number of
segments between him and the other side.

Newton:  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Plato:  The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect chickens in this
world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.

Karl Marx:  She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

Aristotle:  It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

Lao Tse:  Those who cluck do not know.  Those who know do not cluck.

Basil Fawlty:  Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.

Sir Edmund Hilary:  Because it's there.

The Kingston Trio:  The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there is always alone.

Sigmund Freud:  The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like all female creatures she
wanted to be dominated.

Jacques Derrida:  The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one logocentric
strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others.

Oscar Wilde:  This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
"Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God."

Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
You did not see that auto speeding.
"Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
God just had a Tygerish mood."

Vito Corleone:  We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Jean Paul Sartre:  To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

T.S.Eliot:  To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while And then
to move onward to a third place.

Thomas Jefferson:  All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty
and the pursuit of the other side.

Confucius:  When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court officers
behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen may cross any road in the kingdom safely.

H.P. Lovecraft:  To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and
foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

Friederich Nietzsche:  There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an
interpretation.

Darth Vader:  She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Raymond Chandler:  She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of
feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd
grab the first opportunity and never look back.

James Joyce:  Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre,
end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.

Newt Gingrich:  The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative and not wait for a
government-funded traffic light program.

Plato:  Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined in asmuch as they are chickens, to
cross roads.

Virgil:  Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the road To the other side driven
by fate, came at last to the foot Of the "don't walk" sign...

Bill Gates:  To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway (NOT road) and into a
world where there's a computer in every home. Its just where he wanted to go today.

Lao-tzu:  The chicken both crosses the road and not-crosses the road because that is the way of
Tao.

The Great Gonzo:  Camilla, come back!
**********************************************************
*****Thu 3/6/97
[from HAND!]
  Hi Loretta,

  This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been
up to.  Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue
gun.  I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. 
Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting
around in my craft room.

  By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests.  I'm
serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret:  I
didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

  Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays.  So,
I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade
bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of
pink) to use for breakfast.  These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost
any Hungarian craft store.

  Well, I must run.  I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.  I'll get
out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be
making.  Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries to string with
bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.  It's a good thing.

  Love,
  Martha Stewart

  PS    When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze
in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for
fun.
**********************************************************
*****Fri 3/7/97
"To do is to be" -- Descartes
"To be is to do" -- Sartre
"Do be do be do" -- Sinatra
**********************************************************
The big business man was complaining, "Advertising costs me a lot of money."  "But," his friend
said, "I never see your merchandise advertised."  "They aren't - but my wife reads other people's
ads."
**********************************************************
Wire your Congressman now!  Demand they stop defacing our billboards with highways.
**********************************************************
An ad in a local paper read: "We do not tear your laundry with machinery - we do it carefully by
hand."
**********************************************************
A serious ad in "Mines Magazine": Wanted: Man to work on Nuclear Fissionable Isotope
Molecular Reactive Counters and Three-Phase Cyclotronic Uranium Photosynthesizers.  No
experience necessary.
**********************************************************
[from Erin Cosyn, via HAND!]  BUMPER STICKERS

   Warning:  Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

   We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

   Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

   He who laughs last thinks slowest!

   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

   Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

   What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

   "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."

   Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

   Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.

   I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

   All generalizations are false.

   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

   "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
**********************************************************
*****Sat 3/8/97
[from Ahmad Nawaz, via Dee Christian]

There are four engineers traveling in a car : a mechanical engineer, a 
 chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer. 

 A short way into their journey the car breaks down. 

 "I think that the pistons have seized, we'll have to strip the engine 
down", says the mechanical engineer.

 "I think that the fuel's contaminated, we should clean out the fuel 
 system", says the chemical engineer.

 "I think that there's an ignition problem, let's check the distributor 
 and plugs", says the electrical engineer.

 Then they all turn to the software engineer who has remained silent, 
and ask him what he thinks, to which he answers " I don't have a clue, 
but maybe if we all get out of the car and then get back in 
again.........".
**********************************************************
[from Brian]

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings,why don't they wear a pair
of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter
11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Where are Preparations A through G?
  
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? 

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there,
staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
  
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
 
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
**********************************************************
*****Sun 3/9/97
[Shared by Robert MacPherson via The Sixth Sense, via Wit & Wisdom]

  The little boy just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. Mommy, is it
true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?  That's
right son, why?  Well that's just what they said at church today.  Run up stairs and wash your
hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes.  
  About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down.  Be there in a minute.  As
they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being
born and after you die.  Once again mother said yes son. The little boy looked at her and said,
then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming
or going!!!!
**********************************************************
[Shared by Scott Alvord, via Wit & Wisdom]
THE RABBI AND THE PRIEST
  A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.  After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the
priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.  There's nothing left,
but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God.  God must have meant that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
  The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi
continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."  Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big
swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
on, and hands it back to the priest.
  The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"  The rabbi replies, "No...I think  I'll wait for the
police."
**********************************************************
[from Gregory J, via HAND!]

  A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
  graduate students.  It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or
  endothermic?  Support your answer with a proof."

  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
  or some variant.  One student, however wrote the following: First, we
  postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do,
  then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what rate are souls
  moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will
  not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.

  As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
  exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are
  not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are
  more than one of these religions and people don't belong to more than one
  religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
  in hell to increase exponentially.

  Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states
  that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
  the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

  So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
  enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until
  all hell breaks loose.

  Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
  souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
  freezes over.

  (It was not revealed what grade the student got.)
**********************************************************
***** Mon 3/10/97
[Found on LaughWeb]  Did you ever hear the one about Frank Buck?

Frank Buck was the greatest animal trapper that ever lived.  He trapped animals for zoos, for
circuses, for sideshows, for almost anything.  During his long career he made quite a name for
himself as the greatest animal trapper that ever lived.

One day, like many men, Frank Buck reached the age of sixty-five and decided to retire.  So, our
hero bought himself a little farm in Louisville, Kentucky and settled down to live out his
remaining years in the peaceful surroundings of rural Louisville.

Not quite.  He had just settled down and was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang. 
It was the San Diego Zoo.  The zookeepers said to Frank Buck, "Mr. Buck?  This is the San
Diego Zoo.  We realize you've led a long and busy life, and you deserve a peaceful retirement as
much as any man on earth, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and you're the only man
we know that can get it for us.  It's a hornless rhinocerous."

Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented
to get this hornless rhinocerous for the San Diego Zoo.  So, the next day he went down to his
boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in
Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin'  through the jungles
of Africa 'till he met Tarzan.

Now Tarzan was painting stripes.  However, you couldn't tell whether they were white stripes on
a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra.  So
Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but
there's this one unusual animal I need.  Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a hornless 
rhinocerous?"

Now Tarzan, being so busy and all that, naturally was a little upset.  But he put down his brush,
pointed to a bush, and said, "UGH!"  And 'lo and behold, out walked this hornless rhinocerous!

So, Frank Buck captured the hornless rhinocerous, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone
back to painting the zebra), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back
through the jungles of Africa, back down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of
airplanes), sailed back across choppy seas, and landed in America.  The next day, he delivered the 
hornless rhinocerous to the San Diego Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in
Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later Frank Buck was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang.  This
time it was the Chicago Zoo.  The zookeepers at the Chicago Zoo said, "Mr. Buck?  This is the 
Chicago Zoo.  We hate to bother you, seeing as you're in retirement and all that, but there's this
one unusual animal we need and only you can  get it for us.  It's a short-necked giraffe."

Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented
to get this short-necked giraffe for the Chicago Zoo.  So the next day, he went down to his boat
on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in
Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin' and a choppin' and a hackin'  through the jungles
of Africa 'till he met Tarzan.

Now, Tarzan was painting stripes.  However, you couldn't tell whether they were black stripes on
a white zebra, white stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra.  So,
Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but
there's this one unusual animal I need.  Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a
short-necked giraffe?"

Now Tarzan (being so busy and all that) naturally was a bit peeved, but he put down his brush,
pointed to a bush, and said, "UGH!"  And 'lo and behold, out walked this short necked giraffe!

So Frank Buck captured the short-necked giraffe, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone
back to painting stripes), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back
through the jungles of Africa, down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of
airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America.  The next day, he delivered the
short-necked giraffe to the Chicago Zoo and went back to retirement on his little farm in
Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later, he was sitting out on the back porch when the phone rang.  This time it was
the Smithsonian Zoo.  The zookeepers said, "Mr. Buck, we realize you're in retirement and all
that, but there's this one unusual animal we need, and only you can get it for us.  It's a trunkless
elephant."

Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but finally he
consented to get this trunkless elephant for the Smithsonian Zoo.  So the next day, he went down
to his boat on the shore (This was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and
went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he 
met Tarzan.

Now Tarzan was painting stripes.  However, you couldn't tell if they were black stripes on a white
zebra, or white stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra.  So Frank
Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's
this one unusual animal I need.  Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a trunkless
elephant?"

Now Tarzan, totally peeved, broke his brush over his knee, threw the  brush into the bushes,
pointed to a bush and hollered,"UGH!"  And, 'lo and behold, out walked this trunkless elephant!

So Frank Buck captured the trunkless elephant, thanked Tarzan (who had by this time picked up a
chipmunk and was painting with its tail), went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a
hackin' back through the jungles of Africa down to his boat on the shore (this was before the days
of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in America.  The next day, he delivered the
trunkless elephant to the Smithsonian Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm in
Louisville, Kentucky.

Three days later, he was sitting on  his back porch when the phone rang.  However, this time it
was a wrong number.  So the next day, Frank Buck had his phone disconnected and lived happily
ever after.

MORAL:  TARZAN STRIPES FOREVER
**********************************************************
*****Tues 3/11/97
[from Erin Cosyn, via HAND!]  QUOTATIONS

  "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force."
                -Dorothy Parker

  "Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
                -James Thurber

   "I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."

   "The past is a foreign country - they do things differently there."
                -L.P.Harley

    "Nobody really sings in an opera.  They just make loud noises.":
                -Amelita Galli-Curei

    "A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep."
                -W.H.Auden
**********************************************************
[Shared by Stanley Baldwin via Wit & Wisdom]
GENEALOGY?

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter, Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law, And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father, Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became, A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter, Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother, And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become, The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
**********************************************************
*****Wed 3/12/97
[From Sammy Freint, via HAND!]

   Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped.  He'd spent months studying
   the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.  The population, despite all
   efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.  Finally,
   Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone
   there might be able to help.  Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came
   up with a solution.  The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change
   in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to
   reproduce.  Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a
   zoss of that, and most critically, one part sodium.

   "You mean?.... " Jim said when told.

   "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."
**********************************************************
[From Nic, via Sebastian's Humor Group]
 RULES OF THE HOUSE

 Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real
 as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:

 1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse
    proportion to his ability to do the work involved.

 2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

 3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an
    unwashed window.

 4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to
    how badly it is needed.

 5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a
    two-car garage.

 6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

 7. The potential fir disaster is in direct proportion to the number
    of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

 8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor
    temperature.

 9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half
    sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used
    cereal.
**********************************************************
*****Thu 3/13/97
[From John LeSueur, via Michael Dunnington]
The following are actual excerpts taken from "employee performance reports"
of (British) Royal Navy and Marine officers.

*  "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."

*  "I would not allow this officer to breed."

*  "This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

*  "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started todig."

*  "The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship."

*  "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

*  "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously
in there."

*  "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

*  "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

*  "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

*  "This officer should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better."

And my personal favorite...

*  "This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
**********************************************************
[From Brian]  A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking across campus when they
find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student.  "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat
with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless."

The genie nods, and Poof!  The student is gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc.  "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a
professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
**********************************************************
****Fri 3/14/97
I can despair because rosebushes have thorns, or I can rejoice because the thornbush has a rose. 
The choice is mine.
**********************************************************
Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment

1.     Be a Fundamentalist -- make sure the Fun always comes before 
the mental.  Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be 
canceled.  A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we 
are put in the material world is to get more material.  Have a good 
laughsitive twice a day, and that will insure regularhilarity.

2.     Remember that each of us has been given a special gift -- just 
for entering.  So you are already a winner!

3.     The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.  
That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me.  That 
way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change 
the channel.

4.     Life is like photography.  You use the negative to develop.  
And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God 
loves you --He's just not ready to make a commitment.

5.     It is true.  As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, 
thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a 
condition called truth decay.  So be sure to use mental floss twice a 
day.  And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember 
what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training  class: "Don't get 
even, get odd."

6.     If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and 
truly live like nomads.  That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at 
me.  That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet.  And 
peace begins with each of us.  A little peace here, a little peace there, 
pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace 
everywhere.

7.     I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, 
so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple.  When 
you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8.     There's no need to change the world.  All we have to do is toilet 
train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9.     If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some 
bad news and some good news.  The bad news is -- there is no key to 
the Universe.  The good news is -- it has been left unlocked.

10.    Finally, everything I have told you is channeled.  That way, if 
you don't like it, it's not my fault.  And remember, enlightenment is 
not a bureaucracy.  So you don't have to go through channels.
**********************************************************
*****Sat 3/15/97
                        How to Bake a Cake

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Bring puppy inside to keep baby company.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby and puppy.
Re-measure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Sponge flour and baking powder off of puppy.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells and baby powder in it.
Hide baby powder.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Put puppy outside.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Wash baby and put in crib.
Remove puppy prints with cake flour from new living room carpet.
Call baker.
Take shower and change clothes.
Take phone off hook.
Lie down.            
**********************************************************
[from Brian]
Bumper stickers......

 "I love cats.....they taste just like chicken"

  "Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes."

  "Cover me, I'm changing lanes."

  "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

  "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

  "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

  "REHAB is for quitters."

  "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

  "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

  "All men are idiots, and I married their King."

  "Work is for people who don't know how to fish."


 "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

  "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
**********************************************************
*****Sun 3/16/97
A much-loved rabbi died a peaceful death, and his soul rose swiftly to heaven.

There, the rabbi was warmly greeted by hosts of angels.  They wanted to honor him by dressing
him in finery and escorting him through the golden streets, for he had been such a fine man.  But
the rabbi, inexplicably, wouldn't participate.  He covered his face with his hands, and fled from
the midst of the celebrations.

Astonished, the angels brought the rabbi before God himself.  "My child," said the Lord, "it is on
record that you have lived entirely in accord with My wishes, and yet you refuse the honors that
have, most fittingly, been prepared for you.  Why?"

"Oh, Most Holy One," replied the rabbi, prostrating himself, "I am not as deserving as You think. 
Somewhere along the way I must have sinned, for my son, heedless of my example and of my
precepts, turned Christian."

"Alas, I understand entirely and I forgive," said God.  "I had the same trouble myself."
**********************************************************
Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish
lady. 

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. 

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." 

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" 

"Salisbury," she replied. 

"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. 

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she
suggested.  "There be no Irish there!" 
************************************************************************** 
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse 
could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named 
Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where 
before long, she became a successful performer in show business. 
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday 
night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. 
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about 
her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know 
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing 
she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, 
she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and 
backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged 
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to 
the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out 
this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, 
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any 
snakes!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
****Mon 3/17/97 St. Patrick's Day!
[from Adam Flinn]
 Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We 
have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid 
for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a 
jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and 
jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning 
until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" 
he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" 
************************************************************************** 
[from Adam Flinn]
 Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks 
"Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, 
what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of 
Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and 
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic 
Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. 
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two 
more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending 
Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd 
like another two of them"
************************************************************************** 
Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. 
"Poor Michael Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." 
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.

"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my 
soul, Michael Hogan is thinner than both of us put together." 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name 
and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. 
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea 
pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes 
another one!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: 
They ran out of scaffolding.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when 
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet 
running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, 
Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, 
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one 
another...it was neither of us."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for 
shelter.

His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few 
spots o' rain, now?"

Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly 
wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest 
man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. 
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi 
can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get 
some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if 
Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as 
joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
**** Tues 3/18/97
[from Verna, modified]
Most people have someone they want to hug but aren't able to in person.  So, why not take this
opportunity to make someone feel a little better?
       ___                  ____                  ___
  ____(   \              .-'    `-.              /   )____
 (____     \_____       /  (O  O)  \       _____/     ____)
(____            `-----(      )     )-----'            ____)
 (____     __________   \  \____/  /   __________     ____)
   (______/          \   `-.____.-'   /          \_____)
                      \    **HUG**   /

This can be sent to someone who you know who needs a really good, warm
hug...old best friends, new best friends, boy/girlfriends, parents,
sisters, brothers, cousins, grandparents, anyone...  In this day and
age of bombings, gunfights, deadlines and hatred, I think that most
people could use a good hug.  I certainly could always use a good hug.

So now, close your eyes, take in a good breath, and smile...you've
just been E-Hugged from someone who cares about you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT HUGS?

~~There is no such thing as a bad hug- only good ones and great ones.
They're not fattening and they don't cause cancer or cavities.  They're
all natural- with no preservatives, artifiial ingredients, or pesticide
residue.  They're cholesterol- free, naturally sweet, 100 percent
wholesome.  And they're a completely renewable natural resource.
~~They don't requie batteries, tune-ups, or x-rays. They're non-taxable,
fully returnable, and energy efficient.
~~They're safe in all kinds of weather; in fact, they're ecspecially
good for cold or rainy days.  They're exceptionally effective in treating
problems like bad dreams or the Monday blahs.
~~Hugs are free to give and free to get.  There is no minimum age
requirement. You can never get hurt by giving a hug.  You can give
someone a hug at anytime - day or night.
~~There are also many different types of hugs: hugs of sadness, and hugs
of joy, loose hugs with a kiss on the cheek, big bear hugs,a pat on the
back hug, you can hug hello, and you can hug goodbye, you can have a one
on one hug or a giant pull your shoulders out of your socket group hug,
you can hug a human, you can hug a pet, you can hug a stuffed toy,you
can hug a tree, you can even hug yourself. Hugs can warm you from the cold,
they can comfort you when you are scared, you can hug while you dance, you
can hug while you sleep, there is no time limit on giving a hug. Hugs never
go out of style. There is no restriction on how many hugs you can give.
Hugs cross all racial, sexual, personality, and age boundries. Hugs are
love, hugs are caring, hugs just feel good!

*******NEVER WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO HUG SOMEONE YOU CAN HUG
TODAY!********

                          Everyone needs a hug, pass it on!
       ___                  ____                  ___
  ____(   \              .-'    `-.              /   )____
 (____     \_____       /  (O  O)  \       _____/     ____)
(____            `-----(      )     )-----'            ____)
 (____     __________   \  \____/  /   __________     ____)
   (______/          \   `-.____.-'   /          \_____)
                      \    **HUG**   /

**********************************************************
***** Wed 3/19/97
[from Amy Lundgren]
THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING TO CONNECT TO AOL

1. Your 1996 taxes
2.  Complete your BA degree
3.  Watch your hair grow
4.  Finally clean your keyboard
5.  Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times
6.  Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl
7.  Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad
8.  Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it
9.  Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault
10. Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value
11. Become mezmerized by your screen saver
12. Organize your desk
13. Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive
14.  Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of
toilet paper.
[15????]
16.  Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance
17.  Listen to the radio
18.  Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited"
19.  Clip your toenails
20.  GET DRUNK
**********************************************************
[from Marty, via Sebastian's Humor Group]
               The World According to Software...

What Software Distribution would be like in different governments:

 COMMUNISM:
 We are pleased to announce that the new PC operating system, MS-DOS 3.3, 
 and a hot new video game, Pac-Man, are available for download from our 
 public distribution sites, which have just upgraded to 2400 bps.

 CAPITALISM:
 Revolutionary New Concept!!!!!!  Lots of free extras!!!!! Free box!!!!!  
 Free manual!!!!!  Only $60!!!!!

 SOCIALISM:
 OK, that'll be $40, plus $300 sales tax.

 DEMOCRACY:
 The next order of business is the vote on whether memory address 1DCE 
 should be 0008.  All in favor?  Aye.  Opposed?..... Alright, now the 
 matter of memory address 1DCF...

 REPUBLIC:
 After 4 weeks of deliberation, we've decided that the software in 
 question violates existing laws.

 FEDERAL REPUBLIC:
 After 4 weeks of deliberation, we've decided to raise our salary.

 DICTATORSHIP:
 El Presidente would like to remind the scum that he is enjoying his new 
 computer software.

 OLIGARCHY:
 The important people have all of the necessary software.

 MONARCHY:
 Let everyone rejoice in the Emperor's new code!

 FEUDALISM:
 Point, click, and serf.

 THEOCRACY:
 There is no way to be perfect like the Earth Mother... but it doesn't 
 hurt to use Her Almighty Software.
**********************************************************
*****Thurs 3/20/97
[from HAND!]
         The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island Theory

  The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of
  the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly
  sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are
  technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

  Run with me on this one...

  Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make
  a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His
  character was later revised and given a series of his own, called
  MacGuyver".)

  For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn
  those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an
  interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of
  college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann
  were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.)

  And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the
  kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being
  deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that
  glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

  What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr
  Howell gets my vote for GREED.

  We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have
  Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH
  and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.

  Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by
  connecting her with SLOTH. She did nothing during her many years on the
  island and everybody knows it.

  This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no
  shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan
  with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have
  decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining
  Deadly Sins.

  So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring
  Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other
  in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps
  them trapped there?

  Gilligan.

  Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.
**********************************************************
*****Fri 3/21/97
Now, Welsh is a most peculiar language in that it appears to have words
which turn out to look more like acronyms, or the linguistic equivalent
of line noise.  If you've ever seen Welsh written out, you know what I
mean -- each word is typically a bunch of consonants with a few vowels
sprinkled here and there for flavor, and is in no way connected with a
word that sounds like its Anglo-Latin equivalent.  Take, for example,
the word "Wales" -- the name of their own country.  They spell it
"CYMRU".  Makes perfect sense, right?  Yeah, thought so.  It looks more
like an acronym for "Celtic Youth Mythical Research Union", or something
like that.  And that's just one of the *short* words (ask someone who
is a bit more familiar with Welsh to come up with a longer one -- they
can achieve twenty or more letters in one word, and you're lucky if there's
more than two vowels in the bunch).

Well, we finally figured out what must have happened.

Ages ago, long before the latter 1500s, there must have been a large exodus
from Wales which eventually settled in what is now called Hawaii.

...and they took all the vowels with them when they left.
**********************************************************
[from Brian]
Bumper stickers......

  "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

  "Your kid may be an honors student but you're still an IDIOT."

  "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

  "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

  "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

  "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

  "No Radio - Already Stolen"

  "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

  "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

  "Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"

  "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
**********************************************************
*****Sat 3/22/97
[from Mary C. Ekholm, via Dave Francis, via HAND!]
   Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books

   Chocolate Chip Cookies:

   Ingredients:

   1.)   532.35 cm3 gluten
   2.)   4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
   3.)   4.9 cm3 refined halite
   4.)   236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
   5.)   177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
   6.)   177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
   7.)   4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
   8.)   Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
   9.)   473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
   10.)   236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

  To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
  transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
  and three with constant agitation.  In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a
  radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five,
  six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.  To reactor #2, add
  ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous
  mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly,
  with constant agitation.  Care must be taken at this point in the
  reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an
  exothermic reaction.

  Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
  piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).  Heat in a 460K oven for a
  period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order
  rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
  reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
  allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
**********************************************************
[from Brian]
Bumper stickers......

  "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

  "Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

  "Tell me to "Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

  "IRS:  We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

  "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students."

  "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

  "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

  "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
**********************************************************
*****Sun 3/23/97
[From Brian]
You Know You're Lutheran When...

       ...it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle
begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters
five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder. 

       ...you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your
childhood at the same time. 

       ...you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk,
and Jell-O. 

       ...you can actually come up with responses to this. 

       ...you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its
"Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!" 

       ...you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny. 

       ...the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!" 

       ... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern." 

       ...requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If
it's not too much trouble then..." 

       ...you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in
German but can't speak a word of it. 

       ...you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case
there's a potluck. 

       ...you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room. 

       ... P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome." 

       ...your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by
works. 

       ...the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice
snowflakes at Christmas. 

       ...you think the communion wafers are too spicy. 

       ...your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied
the organ. 

       ... you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween. 

       ...your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money
in the guilt department. 

       ...you think lime Jell-o with cottage cheese and pineapple is a
gourmet salad. 

       ...you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make
for a "mixed marriage." 

       ...Folgers has you on their Christmas list. 

       ...your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't
change" and "Don't spend." 

       ...your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as "the holy city." 

       ...at Thanksgiving you serve lutefisk and try to convince your
kids it's really a turkey. 

       ...you're at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to
raise your hands waist high. 

       ...the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus." 

       ...you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along
with the 140 members already sitting there. 

       ...you're 57 years old and your parents still won't let you date
a Catholic. 

       ...at the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you
respond "and also with you." 

       ...you can't get into heaven without a casserole. 

       ...you notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation
Bible School season. 

       ...you wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead
of coffee and donuts. 

       ...you are referred to as the frozen chosen! 

       ...Commandment #11--If it's never been done that way before,
don't do it. 

       ...you consider lottery tickets a serious investment. 

       ...you make your hotdishes with cream of mushroom soup and your
salads with Jell-O. 

       ...you sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down. 

       ...a line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker
maintenance." 

       ...you think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal. 

       ...your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true." 

       ...you feel guilty about not feeling guilty. 

       ...it's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after
services. 

       ...change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit
to church. 

       ...you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with
yourself because no one else is around. 

       ...the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship
Committee. 

       ...you take your grandfather to McDonalds for breakfast and he
asks for a large order of McLefsa. 

       ...you win $10 million in the lottery and decide to throw a party
and money is no object, so you advertise in the church bulletin, rent
the parish hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or
salad. 

       ...every time something changes, the old one was better. 

       ...you hold your family reunion in the church basement. 

       ...a capital fund drive is needed to finance the new one million
cup coffee urn. 

       ...you serve Jell-O as a vegetable. 

       ...your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo. 

       ...you can't have a meeting without having a meal. 

       ...you refer to your trip to Minneapolis as a pilgrimage. 

       ...sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the
sermon. 

       ...all of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom. 

       ...you're willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church. 

       ...the third service each Sunday is coffee hour. 

       ...all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia. 

       ...potluck dinners are your favorite indoor sport. 

       ...you ask for "A Mighty Fortress" on the love song request line. 

       ...you automatically sing 'amen' at the end of every song you
sing. 

       ...you count coffee among the sacraments. 

       ...you actually understand the folks from Lake Wobegon. 

       ...your coffee cup is permanently stained. 

       ...you consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal. 

       ...you don't question why the seat you sit in at church is called
a pew. 

       ...you have a relative named Einar. 

       ...you wish MTV, VH1 and CMT had hymns. 

       ...you doodle on the back of communion cards. 

       ...you can say the meal prayer all in one breath. 

       ...Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran,
too. 

       ...you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music
because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days." 

       ...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
**********************************************************
***** Mon 3/24/97
[seen on another list serv]
 Now I'm a catlick, but a dedicated ecumenist.  So I've been at various
'occasions' at all kinds of churches.  The best I ever got out of the Angled
Cans was weak coffee.  (The Lute Urns serve good coffee, but if  you want
good rools with the good coffee, you gotta go to the syangogue.) The good
booze -- at least in these parts -- is served by the Pressed Bi-terrans.
  (and of course in the parking lot at the Bop This church).
 (This of course EXCLUDES the more selective gatherings of catlicks --
especially those classier soirees that might attract someone in a purple or
red  beanie.)
**********************************************************
Episcopal Aerobics: Rite II

Stand
Sit
Stand
Sit
Stand
Sit Still
Stand
Kneel
Stand and Hug
Sit, Stand
Stand or Kneel
Stand, Sit or Kneel
Stand or Sit or Kneel
Stand
Amen

[Looks a lot like Catholic aerobics, as well!]
**********************************************************
Can you find 20 books of the bible in this paragraph?

Someone showed me this story and remarked that there are twenty books
of the bible hidden here.  He challenged me to find them.  Sure enough
they're all here.  Still this thing is a lulu.  Kept me looking so
hard for the longest time.  Some of you will get bogged down with
facts, others are hit by them like they were some kind of revelation
or one may get in a jam, especially scince the names are not
capitilised and often leap the spaces between the words.  This makes
it a real job to find them, but it'll provide a most fascinating few
minutes for you.  Yes, there are some really easy ones to spot, but 
don't get the big head cause truthfully you'll soon figure that it
would take more federal judges and preachers numbers of hours to find
them all.  I will admit that it usually takes a minister to find one
of them, and that it is not uncommon, for there are to be loud
lamentations when it is pointed out.  One lady says that when she is
confronted with puzzles like this she brews a cup of tea to help her
concentrate better, but then this gals a real pro.  Verbs, nouns and
all that stuff are her thing.  See how well you can compete. Relax! If
you fail to find them, there's a penalty.  You'll have to go fly a
kite, sit on a banana, hum the battle hymn of the republic, or hose a
dog. (a mean one) Get to it!
**********************************************************
**** Tues 3/25/97
                             A Modern Noah's Ark

     And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet.  I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said
the Lord.

     And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

     "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

     "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord.  "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

     And six months passed.

     The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.  The Lord saw that
Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.  And there was no Ark.

     "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"  A lightning bolt crashed
into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

     "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah.  "I did my best.  But there
were big problems.  First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code.  So I had to hire an
engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over whether or
not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  My neighbors objected claiming
I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning commission.  Then I had a big problem
getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the Spotted Owl.  I had to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed
the wood to save the Owls.  But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So no
owls.  Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone
would pick up a saw or a hammer.  Now we got 16 carpenters going on the
boat, and still no owls."

     "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal
rights group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when
I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being.  Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe."

     "Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to
hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about
owing some kind of use tax.  "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for
at least another five years,"  Noah wailed.

     The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow arched
across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled.  "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

     "Wrong!" thundered the Lord.  "But being Lord of the Universe has its
advantages.  I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse
than a Flood.  Something Man invented himself."

     "What's that?" asked Noah.

     There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoketh his Last Word,
"Government."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
*****Wed 3/26/97
A Quaker man once carried a card in his wallet that said, "I am a Quaker. In
case of an emergency, please be quiet."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness & a Quaker?
Someone who knocks on your door & then doesn't say anything.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Lobster]
Johhny was asked to write his homework on "Rabies and what can be done about it"
His essay started, "Rabies are Jewish Priests and there is nothing that can be done about it."
**********************************************************
[from Larry Clopp, via Wit & Wisdom]

Stone County, Mississippi on Hwy 49 S. It was a white sign with:
           --------------------------
           |        CH  CH          |
           |  what's missing?   |  (Think Bible Belt)
           |_______________|
Answer: UR  
**********************************************************
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by
the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"  Adam replied, "Boys,
that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
**********************************************************
     Sunday School Teacher: "What evidence is there in the Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"
     Boy: "They raised Cain!"
**********************************************************
     What a good thing Adam had going. When he said something he knew nobody had said it
before. 
**********************************************************
     The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation: "Next Sunday our
visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will
find them hanging in the vestibule." 
**********************************************************
          TOP TEN REASONS WHY PRESBYTERIANS AREN'T BAPTISTS

10.     We don't like swimming in the sanctuary.

 9.     We don't want to be born again...and again...and again.

 8.     Because we like women in the kitchen...and in the pulpit.

 7.     So we can be more like Jesus and drink wine with the boys.

 6.     Because we like men dressed in kilts.

 5.     Because we like guilt the old fashioned way--from our mothers.

 4.     Because we never learned to say JEEEE-SUS.

 3.     Because we'd rather hear country western music on the radio.

 2.     Because we thought Lottie Moon was an astronaut.

 1.     Because Bill Clinton is a Baptist.
**********************************************************
About that "find 20 books of the bible" puzzle:
I don't think there ARE 20 books!  Here are the 19 that I know about
[alphabetical order]:

Acts, Amos, Esther, Hebrews, Hosea, James, Job, Judges, Kings,
Lamentations, Luke, Mark, Nahum, Numbers, Peter, Proverbs, Revelation,
Ruth, Titus

I bet if there IS a 20th book, it is an nonstandard name.  And I keep
coming up with ways to put OTHER books into phrases:

Try going to the autoMAT.  THE Worst that could happen....
It's a lot easier if you go fROM ANSwers to questions.        
Your average "person in the peW" IS DOMinated by ... 
It's time TO BITe the bullet and ... 
Just for laughs, go see a coMIC, A Humorous movie, or ....
I was bitten by a ferocious aniMAL - A CHIhuahua belonging to ...
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
*****Thu 3/27/97
If God were process oriented, the book of Genesis might read something like
this: 

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without
form and void; so God created a small committee. God carefully balanced the
Committee vis--vis race, sex, ethnic origin and economic status in order to
interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to
adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day. 

And God said, "Let the Committee draw up a mission statement." And behold,
the Committee decided to prioritize and strategize. And God called that process
empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good. And evening and
morning were the second day. 

And God said, "Let the Committee determine goals and objectives, and engage
in long-range planning." Unfortunately, a debate as to the semantic differences
between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all the third day. Although the
question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the "process" was
constructive. And evening and morning were the third day. 

And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the Committee can envision
functional organization, and, engaged in planning, be objective. The Committee
considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program
directions and God saw that this was good. And God thought that is was even
worth all the coffee and donuts he had to supply. And so ended the fourth day. 

And God said, "Let the Committee be implemented consistent with long-range
planning and strategy." The Committee considered guidelines and linkages and
structural sensitivities, and alternative and implemental models. And God saw
that this was very democratic. And so would have ended the fifth day, except for
the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and
objectives. 

On the sixth day, the Committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda God had planned. He wasn't able to
attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon to create day and night,
heaven, earth and seas, plants and trees, seasons and years, sun and moon,
birds, fish, animals and human beings. 

On the seventh day, God rested and the Committee submitted its
recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
nearly identical to the way God had already created them; so the Committee
passed a resolution commending God for His implementation according to
guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed quietly that man should
have been created in the Committee's image. 

And God caused a deep sleep to fall on the Committee... 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
*****Fri 3/28/97
    A devoutly Orthodox Jew was very proud that his grandson was about to
make his Bar Mitzvah, and told him he could have anything he wanted for his
bar mitzvah present.  The boy, captivated by motorcycles (though he was of
course too young), said, "Gee, Grandpa, could I have a Honda?"
    The grandfather replied, "Er...of course, my boy."  But he didn't know
what a Honda was.
    So he went to his rabbi, and said, "Rabbi, I promised my grandson
anything he wanted for his Bar Mitzvah, and he asked for a Honda.  But I
don't know what is a Honda.  Can you help me?"
    The rabbi stroked his beard and said, "Hmmm.  I don't know either what
is a Honda.  But I tell you what.  We will go to the Conservative Rabbi.
He knows more about the things of the world."
    So they went together to the Conservative rabbi, and the Orthodox rabbi
said, "Rabbi, this man promised his grandson anything he wanted for his Bar
Mitzvah, and he asked for a Honda. But he doesn't know what is a Honda, and
he came to me, and I don't know what is a Honda either.  Can you help us?" 
    The Conservative Rabbi stroked his beard (much shorter than the
Orthodox rabbi's) and said, "Hmmm.  I don't know either what is a Honda.
But I tell you what.  We will go to the Reformed Rabbi.  He knows more
about the things of the world."
    So all three of them went together to the Reformed rabbi, and the
Conservative rabbi said, "Rabbi, this man promised his grandson anything he
wanted for his Bar Mitzvah, and he asked for a Honda.  But he doesn't know
what is a Honda, and he went to his rabbi, and he didn't know what is a
Honda, and they came to me, and I don't know what is a Honda either.  Can
you help us?" 
    And the Reformed rabbi said, "Sure.  A Honda's a motorcycle.  What's a
Bar Mitzvah?"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     A pastor had a practice of leaving his pulpit for a brief time during the morning service.
     While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the
     children in children's church. One new member didn't understand. One day he said to
     the minister, "Pastor, you're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break
     during the service." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The only thing that casts doubts on the miracles of Jesus is that they were all witnessed by
fishermen.
**********************************************************
     The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an
     impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the
     message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just
     then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly
     stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he
     could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor,
     I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting
     him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This
     prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "upity".
Spotting the man's dirty cloths a deacon, worried about the churches image,
went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying
and the Lord told me to come to this church." The deacon suggested that the
man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next 
Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"
The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church
and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that 
church for years and haven't made it yet." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
*****Sat 3/29/97
                         Pastoral Search Committee

     In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was
developed for your perusal.  Of the candidates investigated by the
committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities.  The list
contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be
interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah:  He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

Moses:  He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper
        over trivial things.

Abraham:  He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into
          trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

David:  He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered
        for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'

Solomon:  He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he
          preaches.

Elijah:  He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea:  His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a
        prostitute.

Jeremiah:  He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real 'pain in the
           neck.'

Amos:  Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John:  He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie.
       Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.

Peter:  Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

Paul:  We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is
       contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy:  He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

Jesus:  He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially
        Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the
        search committee with his pointed questions.

Judas:  He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares
        for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the
        man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

     Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral
search.

Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
*****Sun 3/30/97
[from REHU-L]
Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover.  Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by
one of his disciples.  The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the
side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross.  He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.  Every year
the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
                         Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate
                          Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

  10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".
   9. You look really, really good in yellow.
   8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 
   7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
   6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
   5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
   4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
   3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion
Play."
  2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a
shot. 
  1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?
**********************************************************
[by George Gurtner, in "Catholic Digest"]
Our friend, Kennon, was aglow about entering the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA). 
He attended classes with great enthusiasm.  As the weeks passed, the classes, held in church,
increased in frequency, and Kennon felt obligated to say yes to invitations from various
organizations seeking his spiritual participation.  All of this, of course, increased his trips to
church.

One day, Kennon took a deep breath.  Clearly, the busyness of day-to-day life was taking its toll. 
"Boy," he exclaimed.  "I can't wait to become a Catholic so I don't have to go to church so
often."
**********************************************************
[from David Rinke's Funny Pages Mailing List, via Wit & Wisdom]
PREACHER:  "The people in this church are so thoughtful.  They are
dedicating a plaque to those who have died in the service." 
CHURCH MEMBER:  "Which service--morning or evening?"
**********************************************************
[from http://downtime.stanford.edu/topten/old/list10.html, via Maria Rocco]

Top Ten Reasons the Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

  10. Tax Write-off (Glen Overman)
   9. Who wants Easter Bricks? (Real funny guy)
   8. Consider all of the varieties: Scrambled, over easy,
        hard boiled    (Chad Howat)
   7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens (spiff)
   6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose (the gimp)
   5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board (winthepooh)
   4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the
        Independence Bunny    (Jorge)
   3. Would you want to hunt for waffles? (winthepooh)
   2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year (The Conclave)
   1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job. (Rod)
*********************************************************

The "20 books of the Bible" puzzle SOLUTION:

There are 19 straightforward, look hard enough and you'll find'em books of the Bible in the
puzzle.  

Acts, Amos, Esther, Hebrews, Hosea, James, Job, Judges, Kings,
Lamentations, Luke, Mark, Nahum, Numbers, Peter, Proverbs, Revelation,
Ruth, Titus

I've put * around them:

Someone showed me this story and re*mark*ed that there are twenty books
of the bible hidden here.  He challenged me to find them.  Sure enough
they're all here.  Still this thing is a lu*lu.  Ke*pt me loo*king s*o
hard for the longest time.  Some of you will get bogged down with
f*acts*, others are hit by them like they were some kind of *revelation*
or one may get in a *jam, es*pecially scince the names are not
capitilised and often leap the spaces between the words.  This makes
it a real *job* to find them, but it'll provide *a mos*t fascinating few
minutes for you.  Y*es, ther*e are some really easy ones to spot, but 
don't get the big head cause t*ruth*fully you'll soon figure that it
would take more federal *judges* and preachers *numbers* of hours to find
them all.  I will admit tha*t it us*ually takes a minister to find one
of them, and that it is not uncommon, for there are to be loud
*lamentations* when it is pointed out.  One lady says that when she is
confronted with puzzles like this s*he brews* a cup of tea to help her
concentrate better, but then this gals a real *pro.  Verbs*, nouns and
all that stuff are her thing.  See how well you can com*pete. R*elax! If
you fail to find them, there's a penalty.  You'll have to go fly a
kite, sit on a bana*na, hum* the battle hymn of the republic, or *hose a*
dog. (a mean one) Get to it!

To get TWENTY, though, you have to cheat.  There are two ways:
     preachers = Ecclesiastes
and
     there are *twenty books of the bible* hidden here
[BOOO!  Hiss!  Groan.....]
*********************************************************
*****Mon 3/31/97
[by R. Wayne Willis, in "Leadership"]
One day a student asked anthropologist Margaret Mead what marked the earliest sign of
civilization in a given culture.  He expected the answer to be a clay pot or perhaps a fish hook or
grinding stone.

But her answer surprised the student.  "A healed femur," Mead responded.  Then she explained
that no healed femurs are found where the law of the jungle - survival of the fittest - reigns.  Why? 
A healed femur shows that someone cared because somebody had to do that injured person's
hunting and gathering until the leg healed.

Evidence of compassion, then, is the first sign of civilization.
**********************************************************
Father Smith had a pet dog that he loved dearly.  Father Jones was partial to cats.  One day, they
were discussing the relative merits of their pets.

"Look at that cat," said Jones.  "You know cats are clean because they're always washing their
faces."

"No," replied Smith.  "Cats wash their feet and dry them on their faces."
**********************************************************
[by Frank J. Davis, in "Catholic Digest"]
When a successful Madison Avenue advertising man gave it all up to enter the seminary, a former
business associate asked him why.

Knowing this gung-ho professional would never really understand, the seminarian quipped, "I just
couldn't let 2,000 years of publicity go to waste."
**********************************************************
Many years ago, the pastor of a church in upstate New York went to Buffalo to make
arrangements for a Christmas sign to be placed outside the church.  But when he arrived, he
discovered he had lost the dimensions.  So he wired his wife: "Send motto and size of sign."

When his wife sent her reply at the Western Union office, the clerk almost fainted.  "Unto us a
child is born," the wire read, "eight feet long and three feet wide."
**********************************************************
[from Stephie, via Sebastian's Humor Group]
 A nice young worker from the Postal Service ( yes they do exist ),
 was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a
 letter addressed as follows: 

 GOD
 c/o Heaven

 Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little
 old lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was
 desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send
 her the money.

 Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from
 her fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old
 lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God,
 so the young lady opened it and it read:

 "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however
  I only received $90. It must have been those thieves at the
  Post Office." 
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