HUMOR6 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at     CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+------------------------------------------------------------------+
***** Tues 4/1/97
[from Amy AND Brian (separately)]
How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity in the Office

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be [women] "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" or [men]
"god_of_fire@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all
present.

Come to work in your pajamas. 

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point Sparky."   "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. 

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports
that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." 

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office.  Talk in
a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. 

Talk into your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm
feeling a bit tired and grumpy today."  "On a personal note, I'm pleased to
announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as
special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.  Try
to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
**********************************************************
**** Wed 4/2/97
There were two skeletons standing in a closet.  One of them turned to the other, and said "You
know, if we had any GUTS we'd get OUT of here..."
**********************************************************
(Shared by Carlos Arruda Accioly via HUMOR Digest and Wit & Wisdom)
Actual sign on a pylon:
             BEWARE!
TO TOUCH THESE WIRES IS INSTANT DEATH
Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an
     envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday he
     announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign
     their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and
     had forgotten to write a letter." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     Pastor's Announcement Before Offering
     "I would like to remind you that what your are about to give is deductible, cannot be
     taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
(Shared by JUST 4 LAUGHS e-mail list and Wit & Wisdom)

Response to an Employment Rejection Letter:

[Today's Date]
 
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
 
Thank you for your letter of March 20.  After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer 
me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly 
fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. 
With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals.
 
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with
my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your
firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you
then.
 
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
 
Sincerely,

[Your Name]
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thurs 4/3/97
     "There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the
     pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium
     for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor
     who had never attended their church before. "My friend," asked the pastor, did you
     understand that this is a meeting of the Board?" "Yes," said the visitor, "and after that
     sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     From a church bulletin: "A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the
     church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Morgan D. Hartt's  Just 4 Laughs!  Humor List, via Wit & Wisdom]

FAMILY STRESS TEST
   ------------------

   Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

  1.____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we
can talk."

  2.____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

  3.____ The cat is on Valium.

  4.____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.

  5.____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

  6.____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the
number of people in the family.

  7.____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.

  8.____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement
officials.

  9.____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take
out the trash.

 10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

    Scoring:
    30      - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
    20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
                going on in your life. Crank it up.
    10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-
                filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you
                considered a parallel career path?
    0-9    - Enjoying all that extra time?  What do you _do_ anyway?
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 4/4/97
A preacher decided that he wanted to go golfing one Sunday. So he
called his secretary and told her that he was sick and traveled to a
golf course that was way out of town so that no one was recognise him.
An Angel and God were watching this and the angel became very angry. He
asked God if he was going to let this happen. God sat there calmly and
said, "watch and wait". Well, the preacher made it safely to the golf
course and the angel was very confused, especially when God sat there so
calmly. The angel asked God again if he was going to do anything about
it, and God said "watch and wait" The preacher tees up and makes a hole
in one.
 The angel is surprised and turns to God and asks Him just what He is
doing, and God says, " He just made a hole in one and he can't tell
anyone about it!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[by Ron Dentinger, in "Catholic Digest"]
My ingenious neighbor has a rather weird sense of humor.  This summer he put a birdhouse and a
birdbath in his yard and busily rigged up some mysterious wiring.  Now, whenever a bird gets into
the birdbath, a telephone rings in the birdhouse.
**********************************************************
Sign in an antique store: We know your children are a joy to behold.  Please beholding on to them 
while in this store.
**********************************************************
Two-thirds of the US now live in or near big cities.  The other third are on the expressway
looking for the exit.
**********************************************************
After burying the hatchet, don't mark the spot.
**********************************************************
[from Billy Joe Crawford via Dean's Humor List and Wit & Wisdom]

FAMOUS LAST WORDS:

Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
Don't worry, it's not used any more.
Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.
I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.
I thought it tasted rather strange.
Well *I've* never seen one that big.
Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
You have driven this before, haven't you?
And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
I've never had one of these fail to open before.
Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?
Say, what's that faint ticking noise?
It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.
**********************************************************
**** Sat 4/5/97
[from Lobster]
The below is a true story - I was that man.

A man walks into a shop with his dog and says, "The sign in the window?"
"Yes . . ."
"It says you have found some glasses left in the shop?"
"That's right."
"Were they Sunglasses?" asks the man.
"No."
The man turns to the dog and says, "There I told you they were not yours."
**********************************************************
     A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the
     error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I
     sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a
     Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Primal Void Engineer, via Sebastian's Humor Group]
New Chemical Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major US research university.  The element,
tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus
has an atomic number of 0.  However, it does have one neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons,
which gives it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like
particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.  However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have
normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons
exchange places.  Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities.  It
can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained
buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic
at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to
determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.
**********************************************************
***** Sun 4/6/97
The umpteenth commandment: Thou shalt not make up strange words to symbolise numbers.
**********************************************************
The square root of -1st commandment: thou shalt not use non-existant numbers ANYWHERE
unless it is to absolutely confuse a maths teacher
**********************************************************
Why do so many church socials involve alcoholic beverages?  "Wherever two or three are
gathered in His name, there will also be a fifth!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, "Good grief, preacher, I
     forgot to remove my wallet from these trousers. It's dripping wet." "Hallelujah," exulted
     the preacher, "We could stand more baptized wallets." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     The parson had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader. "We shall now
     read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is always by
     'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures,' please wait a minute until we
     catch up?" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
St. Paul's Chain Letter To The Corinthians

   1.The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians. With charity all things are
     possible. This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts
     will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter - providing you in turn send
     it on.

   2.This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the Gentiles or superstituous peoples of
     other denominations you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things.
     Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.

   3.While visiting the household of Stephanas, a Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and
     was greeted by his brethren by a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as
     sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.

   4.Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited
     him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the
     unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.

   5.Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all
     knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could remove mountains. But he forgot that the epistle
     had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing.

   6.In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and
     send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once
     she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last day of these occasions, she spent
     a night and day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was
     raised incorruptible.

   7.Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth.

St. Paul 
**********************************************************
***** Mon 4/7/97
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient
manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
     
     Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second
     part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein
     the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
     of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
     otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way,
     terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
     carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of  the party of the second part (Light
     Bulb) and not required by the  aforementioned agreement between the parties.  The
     aforementioned removal  transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 

          1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option,
          by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party
          of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
          a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable.   Said grasping and
          rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party
          of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part
          (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light
          Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
          (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.  The
          foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the
          party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure
          to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless
          for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the
          non-negotiable directional codicil  (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the
          first part (Lawyer) throughout. 

          2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes
          separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part
          (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
          in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 

          3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first  part
          (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth
          part("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
          reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being
          careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction
          also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part
(Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons
authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate
vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue
for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
**********************************************************
**** Tues 4/8/97
A Crazy Preacher and a Wise Farmer 

A country farmer was plowing his fields when he heard a car speeding
up the dirt road next to his field. He watched as the car spun off the road
on a sharp curve. Quite concerned, the farmer ran to the driver's aid quickly
inquiring as to his well being. The man answered, "I'm OK. I'm a preacher
and I have the Lord riding with me". To which the farmer replied, "Well, you'd
better let him ride with me; you're going to kill him!" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Karl & Donella Evans, via REHU-L] 
 {This is told from a Black person's view.}
 
 When I was born - I was Black
 When I grew up - I was Black
 When I am sick - I'm Black
 When I go out in the sun - I am Black
 When I go out in the cold - I am Black
 When I die - I am Black
 
 But you White people:
 When you are born - You are Pink
 When you grow up - You are White
 When you are sick - You are Green
 When you go out in the sun - You are Red
 When you go out in the cold - You are Blue
 When you die - You turn Purple
 
 And you have the nerve to call me "Colored"!!!!
**********************************************************
"Proverbs"

It is possible for a person to conduct an *Equus caballus* close to a collection of thirst-quenching
colorless liquid, except it is not possible to insist that the said non-winged Pegasus imbibe its
contents.

Data acquired through the application of visual sensing engender in us an attitude amenable to
accepting such data as fact.

Inquisitive nosings in and about distinctly caused extinction for creatures of genus *Felix*.

At no point should one speak the singular of dice.

When the slip-on slips on, slip it on.

[ask Teresa if you need translations!]
**********************************************************
**** Wed 4/9/97
"THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN"

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A magnifying glass can start a fire, even on an overcast day.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
Super glue is forever.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
Marbles in gas tanks makes lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of most four year olds.
Quiet does not necessarily mean, don't worry.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -  it explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy
wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36 year old man says they can only do
it in the movies.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
The same applies to wet kittys and Microwaves.
Tongues DO stick to frozen doorknobs & door locks, ice-cube trays, and flag poles.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Chewing gum found under restaurant booths or tables is always free.
Toasters do not like wet baseball cards, or wet anythings for that matter.
The fire department in most cities has, at least, an 18-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats will throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
To tease now, means getting teased back later on . . . in spades.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
+------------------------------------------------+
Translations of yesterday's Proverbs:

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Seeing is believing.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Never say die.

If the shoe fits, wear it.
**********************************************************
**** Thurs 4/10/97  
[from S C Stoner]

 FRIEDMAN'S TOP 10 TIPS
  
 1.  Plan ahead.  It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!
 
 2.  Exercise.  If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live?
 
 3.  Embrace life's thunderstorms.  No rain, no rainbows.
 
 4.  Find the time.  When values are clear, time appears.
 
 5.  Tell the Truth.  That way you have a lot less to remember.
 
 6.  Keep an open mind.  Something good may just fall in.
 
 7.  Never underestimate willpower.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
 8.  Tempt Fate.  Even fate needs a good push once in awhile.
 
 9.  Shine your light.  A day without sunshine is like night.
 
 10. Laughter is contagious.  Now go!  Infect the whole block.
**********************************************************
     A small boy's prayer: "Dear God, I hope you take care of yourself. 'Cause if anything
     happens to you, we would all be in a terrible mess." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
     The Sunday School teacher was teaching a lesson on creation to a class of children.
     "Now, children," she said, "Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the
     seed?" "God does it," answered on little girl, "but fertilizer helps."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash

In one parish, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the
years as to why people don't go to church, included "Ten Reasons Why I Never
Wash" in the Sunday bulletin: 

  1. I was forced to as a child. 
  2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than
     everybody else. 
  3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
  4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. 
  5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. 
  6. None of my friends wash. 
  7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 
  8. I can't spare the time. 
  9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. 
 10. People who make soap are only after your money. 
**********************************************************
**** Fri 4/11/97
My young brother asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we
 get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess
 I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn
 eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.   [boy, age 10]
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[From Stanley Baldwin, via Wit & Wisdom]
WAYS BIBLE CHARACTERS ACQUIRED A WIFE

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

3. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

4. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

5. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

6. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

7. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis
4:16-17)

8. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - 
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

9. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson
(Judges 14:1-3)

10. Wait for your brother to die. Marry his widow. (It's not just a good
idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example
in Ruth)

11. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1
Kings 11:1-3)

12. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
**********************************************************
**** Sat 4/12/97
Experience 

      Experience is what enables you to make the same mistake next time. 

      Experience is the name you give to your mistakes. 

      Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from LUTHERAN LIFE, October 1995, page 2 ]
The problem of using computers...

The age of the computer brings much each and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders.
Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the
computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it's done.

But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a
funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and
changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has
just passed away.

Very simply.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following
the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the
computer to change all "Marys" to Ednas." And so it was.

Image the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read:
"He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna."
**********************************************************
[reply to the above joke, posted on REHU-L]
Ha Ha. Mind, I could see that one coming. Should have done it like a mail merge!
Or used Filemaker Pro. I can just imagine Peter up at the pearly gates....
refering to the database of the dead instead of the book of the dead.

Peter.... "Err, Lord, can I have a quick word...."
God...... "Yes, Peter"
Peter.... "It's about the records of the dead.... They're gone.... The Windows 95 glitch I'm afraid, it's
corrupted all the files.... I can't tell whose dead and whose not."
God...... "Well, didn't you have a backup?"
etc.
**********************************************************
Dieter's Psalm 

My weight is my shepherd;
I shall not want low-calorie foods.
It maketh me to munch on potato chips and bean dip;
It leadeth me into 31 Flavors;
It restoreth my soul food;
It leadeth me in the paths of cream puffs in bakeries.
Yea, though I waddle through the valley of weight watchers,
I will fear no skimmed milk;
For my appetite is with me;
My Hostess "Twinkies" and "Ding Dongs," they comfort me;
They anointeth my body with calories;
My scale tippeth over!
Surely chubbiness and contentment shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of Marie Calender Pies...........forever! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 4/13/97
If Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time for everything, there must be a time not to do certain things.

Call it what you will - Basil Fawlty syndrome, foot-in-mouth disease - we're all guilty of saying the
wrong thing at the wrong time. It may have happened to you in worship: you encouraged people to
shut their eyes while they sang "Open your eyes"; or told them to remain seated to sing "Stand up,
stand up for Jesus". Andrew Sutton gives us a few potential disasters to avoid (some drawn from
real-life experiences):

At weddings

   1.  "Fight the good fight" - a well-known un-favourite to begin a life of marital bliss. 
   2.  "I will change your name"
   3.  "Rescue the perishing"
   4.  "I'll fly away"
   5.  "You shall go out with Joy" - unless her name is Joy, of course. 
   6.  "Isn't he beautiful?" - potentially embarrassing for the bridegroom. 
   7.  "O holy night"
   8.  "You're alive" - Graham Kendrick's seemingly innocuous song was actually requested by one
     couple for the entry of the bride. The significance of the first line was only realized when the
     congregation began to sing 'Led like a lamb to the slaughter ...' 
   9.  "Everything I do (I do it for you)" - Brian Adams' huge hit was the theme tune for the film
     "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves". One bride, who loved the film, asked the organist to play the
     theme tune for her entry and procession. The unfortunate organist had never heard of the song
     or the film, but dutifully went down to her local music shop to find the sheet music. Come the
     glorious day, she surprised everyone with that other great Robin Hood theme, "Robin Hood,
     Robin Hood, riding through the glen..."

At funerals

Clearly, funerals are occasions when you need great sensitivity. Therefore, under no circumstances
use:

   1.  "It's a happy day"
   2.  "It's no longer I that liveth"
   3.  "Be still"


At baptisms

   1.  "River, wash over me"
   2.  "Eternal Father, strong to save" - at outdoor baptisms, it's a little depressing to sing the last
     line: 'O hear us when we cry to Thee for those in peril on the sea'. 

During the collection

   1.  "Freely, freely"
   2.  "The price is paid"
   3.  "I hear the sound of rustling"
   4.  "Take our bread"

Before the sermon

   1.  "Make me, Lord, a dreamer"
   2.  "Do something new"

After the sermon

   1.  "Christians, awake"
   2.  "I waited patiently"
   3.  "The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended"
   4.  "Who can ever say they understand?"

As the choir processes

   1.  "Where you go, I will go"
   2.  "Who is he in yonder stall?"

I also had some suggestions for unlikely worship situations. I pass them on in case the situation
arises:

At the dentist

     "You are crowned with many crowns"
     "Ahhh Lord God"

In the car

     "In Christ there is no east or west"
     "I do not know what lies ahead"
     "I lift my hands"  (when driving)
     "Clear the road"
     "Guide me, O Thou Great Jehovah"

At the pyromaniacs' convention

     "Light up the fire"
     "It only takes a spark"

In bad weather

     "Send the rain"
     "O Lord, the clouds are gathering"
     "In the bleak midwinter" 
     "Hail to the Lord's Anointed" 

At Christmastime

      "Do you see what I see?" - Playing this Christmas song over PA systems should be avoided, if
     such systems are "piped" into the men's and/or ladies' rooms. 

On Mother's Day

     "Rise Up, O Men of God" 
     "Come, Labor On" - unless it's all too approriate... 

At the Weight Watchers' convention

      "And Can It Be, that I Should Gain..."
**********************************************************
**** Mon 4/14/97
Love 

      The biggest drawback to budding love is that it leads to blooming expense. 

      A good quality diamond will cut into anything---like a man's bank account. 

      Love is an ocean of emotion surrounded by expanses of expenses. 

      Love is that feeling that you get when you feel you're about to feel a feeling you've never felt
     before. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]
A snail walked into a BMW showroom and wanted to buy the most expensive sports car they had. 
He took out a wad of $1,000 bills, approached the salesman and said, "I want your most spectacular
car and I'm prepared to give you $500,000 for it."  The salesman gulped and showed the snail a most
magnificent BMW.  "Well," said the snail, "I like it, but I want the outside of both doors painted with
a big red 'S' on it."   "Gladly," said the saleman and he directed his men to paint a big S on either side
of the car.

On the way out, curiosity got the better of the salesman and he asked the snail why on earth would
he want an S painted on either side of such a beautiful car.

"Simple," said the snail.  I want to ride this baby down the boulevard and have people on either side
of me stare and say, 'Look at that S-car go.'"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Thanks to Don R. Rogers]
Town Drunk Dies

A man who had been quite a boozer and ran with the ladies, passed away. His 
wealthy brother said to the Minister: "I hope you won't be too hard on my 
brother. In fact if you would refer to my brother as a Saint, I'll make a 
$10,000 donation to your Church."

The Minister said he would have to think about it.

At the funeral service, the Minister said: "We all know that Charlie was a 
terrible boozer and was unfaithful to his wife, but compared to his brother 
here, he was almost a saint."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Rob Wilkinson on REHU-L]
As it turns out, we were observing one of our resident squirrels just the
other day: this squirrel is big enough to reach over the tipping shelf of
the bird feeder and help himself to the "all you can eat" buffet therein;
the mourning doves are fond of this squirrel, too, because he knocks almost
as much seed out of the feeder as he eats.  We decided to name him "Onan"
precisely because of all the seed he spills upon the ground.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Don't be afraid your life will end:  Be afraid that it will never begin.
                                      --Grace Hansen
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 4/15/97
[from Aditya Mishra, on REHU-L]
Why do they call it "Good" Friday?

In Sunday School, I was taught that there are actually three Fridays:

Good Friday, so-called because that's the shopping day before you get to
dress your kids up in expensive new clothes and parade them at church on
Easter Sunday, showing what a fine parent you are. (Of course, you won't
be back 'till next Easter!)

Better Friday was the Friday before your annual vacation.

Best Friday was the last work day before your retirement.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[This real-life excerpt is from the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a
  humor magazine for nurses, via HAND!]

  "A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough,"
  a nurse writes. "She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was
  trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, 'Shhh, I have to
  see if Barney is in there.' The child looked at me and calmly stated,
  'I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.' "
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Randy Walker's, via HAND!]
  As the pastor shook hands with the congregation leaving the church a
  little boy looked up with a closed fist said, "Here, I have something
  for you."  The pastor opened his hand and the little boy dropped a
  quarter in the pastor's hand.  Not wanting to hurt the boy's feeling
  he simply smiled and said, "Thank you."  Well, it did not end, the
  next Sunday and the next -- the same thing.  Finally, the pastor could
  not take it any more; he had to know what was up.  He called the boy
  aside and talked with him, "I really appreciate the gifts but why are
  you doing it?"  "Well" said the boy, "I just wanted to help you --- my
  dad says you are the poorest preacher we have ever had."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Mark Freed, via HAND!]

   A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

  "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
  2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
  1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
  1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
  1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
  1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
  2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 4/16/97
[from AMERICA'S DUMBEST CRIMINALS, Shared by Rod Keen, via Wit & Wisdom]
DRIVE AROUND, PLEASE

  One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was
involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in
marijuana sales.  He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle"
fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them.  Local uniformed
officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.
  Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the
suspect.  Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without
incident.  Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and
finishing up at the scene.
  As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck
parked behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. 
Two long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the
police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and
his partner.
  "Hey man, he still selling pot?"  Roberts looked at his partner, then
back at the guy.  "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back
door."  "Cool."  The two men nodded and walked on.
  Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around
to the rear of the house.  Roberts radioed the officers still inside the
house that they had customers at the back door.
  The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes
detective answered the door.  The new customers asked where the old
owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but
that he could help them.
  They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana.  The officer went to
the next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot
they had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag.  The two
customers were ecstatic.  They thanked the officer for his generosity.
  Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the
black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests,
when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the
uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.
  Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested
them.  The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just
as another prospective customer pulled up.
  Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore.  "We moved the two
cruisers and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back.  We
make about fourteen more sales and arrests that night.  By the time we
were through, the backyard was filled with cars.  It was the darnedest
impromptu sting I've ever seen."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Marsha Mundinger, on REHU-L]
            The Building is on Fire.
  During an ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, "The
building  is on fire!"
 
 The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
 The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?".
 The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings.
 The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
 The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate.
 The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
 The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass.
 The CONGREGATIONLISTS shouted, "Every man for himself...."
 The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted.  "It's the vengeance of God!".
 The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fire.
 The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to
 look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly.
 +------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 4/17/97
[from Rainier United Methodist Church Home Page]

Why We Oppose Men's Ordination

  1. Because man's place is in the army.

  2. Because no really manly man wants to settle disputes otherwise than by 
     fighting about it.

  3. Women would not respect men dressed in skirts.

  4. Because men are too emotional to be priests. Their conduct at football 
     matches, in the army, at political conventions shows this, while their 
     innate tendency to appeal to force and violence renders them unfit to 
     represent Jesus.

  5. Because some men are so handsome they will distract women worshipers. 

  6. If the Church is the Bride of Christ, and bishops are as husbands to 
     the Church, all priests should be female.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]
Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business
     
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
     
9.  We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
     
8.  The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for
    Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very 
    slowly.
     
7.  The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced
    by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
     
6.  Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as
    reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the 
    roads.
     
5.  You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
     
4.  You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you
    bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more 
    seats and a new engine.
     
3.  Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you
    would have to restart it.  Strangely, you would just accept this as 
    normal.
     
2.  Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to
    buy a new car.
     
1.  People would get excited about the new features of the latest
    Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been 
    available from other car makers for years.
 +------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 4/18/97
[posted on REHU-L]
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.  "Show the
lady your finest mink!"  the fellow exclaims.  So the owner of the shop
goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length
coat.  As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem!  I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir."  says the shop owner.  "Today is Saturday.  You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.  On Monday, the fellow returns.  The
store owner is outraged:  "How dare you show your face in here?!  There
wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Lynne Spencer-Smith, on EcuLaugh]
It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat
scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages.  John finds Peter
and runs up to him.  Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter!  I've got some good
news and some bad news."  Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down.
"Take it easy, John.  What is it?  What's the good news?"  John says, "The
good news is Christ is risen."  Peter says, "That's great!  But, what's the
bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last
Friday."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[posted on REHU-L by Maureen]

Dater Loster (commonly known as "Our Hard Drive")

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.

(Original author unknown)
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 4/19/97
Do you like ASCII Art? [Put some in your sig file!] There's TONS of the stuff at
     http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Thanks Karrisa for this gem! (from Bags O Laughs)]

             2 Lamentations (Mom's Bible) - PART I

                         Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, 
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. 

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of 
your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less 
than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you 
have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls 
eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser 
number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have 
dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall 
not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a 
fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall 
into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert. 


                             Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater 
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither 
raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an 
abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, 
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. 

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor 
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will 
dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. 

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do 
not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order 
to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away. 

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, 
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I 
say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the 
same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the 
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your 
lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. 

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not 
with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is 
why.

And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand 
them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. 

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor 
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like 
that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have 
said, it has come to pass.

[continued tomorrow]
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 4/20/97
[Thanks Karrisa for this gem! (from Bags O Laughs)]
{continued from yesterday}

             2 Lamentations (Mom's Bible) - PART II


                                On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a 
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching 
each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the 
offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, 
only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the 
fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of 
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is 
loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from 
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto 
death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your 
face, nor press your fingers to you nose. For even not I have made the fish 
as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.


                          Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods 
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. 

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not 
in the living room.

Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in 
the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of 
all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may 
eat, but not in the living room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may 
eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you 
may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. 
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of 
any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. 

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may 
you eat in the living room.


                         Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, 
that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to 
the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, 
rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. 

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn 
for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they 
appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have 
done.


                Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances 

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath 
water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even 
if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any 
building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict 
it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand 
between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor 
forget what I said about the tape.


                        Complaints and Lamentations

O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, 
you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not 
accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometime do you spit, 
and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall 
and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.

And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more 
minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so 
mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask 
straight-away, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out." 
And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again 
a third time, then you may come out.


Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, 
even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than 
before.

For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty 
talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen 
hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. 
And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many 
medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is 
in my mind, for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of 
the month with the bills and a great whining and moan.

And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of 
it, and mourn and rend my receipts.

And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you 
are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 4/21/97
[from Robert Pierce, on REHU-L]
Ever have a real boring service, that seemed would never end???

Well, here is a piece that will definitely awaken any congregation ---

========================================
             ALL THINGS DULL & UGLY
========================================

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

AMEN.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Brian]
Bumper stickers......

  "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."

  "Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have."

  "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

  "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

  "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

  "i souport publik edekasion"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 4/22/97    
[Courtesy of Howard Chapman]
Church-Lite

Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try 
us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have 
shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to 
trim off guilt, becuase we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We are the 
home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35 minute worship servies, with 7 minute 
sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 
500.

We have only 6 Commandments-- Your choice!! We use just 3 gospels in our 
contemporary New Testament *Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings*. We 
take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of 
course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800 year 
Millenium.

Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you 
are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The Secret of Antigravity

     Ever notice that when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side
     down? And what about cats? Cats always land on their feet, right? So, the
     question is, what would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped
     it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped the cat from any local
     precipice?

The results are obvious! The laws of butterology demand that the butter
must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics
demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. 

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. 

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released,
quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter
repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by
scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the
cat's limbs, allowing descent. 

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard
by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 4/23/97    
Shocking Truth About Cloning

     Several years ago there was an incredibly rich man...... but he was also
     incredibly lonely because he never knew if anyone liked him for himself or just
     for his money. He hired a group of the worlds foremost geneticists to make a
     clone of himself to relieve him of his loneliness. When they had succeeded, it was
     perfect.....the clone looked like him, talked like him, had the same
     preferences.....they were real pals. 

     After a few years of great friendship, the clone developed a genetic defect.
     Wherever they happened to be, without warning, the clone would completely
     disrobe. Of course, that was very embarrassing to the rich man because he was
     constantly accompanied by newspaper reporters and they all thought it was him. 

     So he talked to the clone about it and the clone promised to not do it again...but
     he would do it again and again and again. It happened in shopping malls, the
     most exclusive shops, everywhere. This went on for a few more years and the
     rich man and the clone started to lose their friendship because of this aberration. 

     After a while the rich man could not take the clone anywhere in public for fear of
     embarrassment. One day they went for a walk in the woods. They happened to
     be by a cliff when the clone did it again. He just stood there stark naked,
     laughing. The rich man lost his temper and pushed the clone off the cliff. The
     clone fell a hundred feet onto the rocks below and died instantly. 

     The police came to the scene and arrested the man for murder, but he was soon
     freed. His attorney pointed out that the clone was not a "human" that it was just a
     genetic reproduction, therefore had no rights, and "murder" was out of the
     question since there were no laws on the books prohibiting the killing of a clone.
     The police and the District attorney were furious at this miscarriage of justice and
     vowed to "get him" somehow. They searched the law books for a couple of
     years and then finally found an answer. 

     They re-arrested the rich man and charged him with: "Making an obscene clone
     fall"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Brian]
Bumper stickers......

  "We are Microsoft.  Resistance is Futile.  You Will Be Assimilated."

  "Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."

  "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder....."

  "3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't"

  "I killed a 6-pack just to watch is die.:

  "Auntie Em, Hate you, Hate Kansas Taking the dog. - Dorothy"

  "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

  "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

  "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

  "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

  "Generally, all generalizations are false."
**********************************************************
**** Thu 4/24/97
[from David Danworth on REHU-L]
Three teenagers are walking down the beach when they see a man drowning in the ocean.  The
three of them dive in and save him. To their surprise they find they have saved the President.
When he can talk, Pres. Clinton says he will give each of them anything they want for saving his
life. The first asks for a million dollars, Clinton says no problem. The second asks for an F-16
Clinton says he can arrange that too.  The third guy asks to be put in the Witness Protection
program. When Clinton asks why he wants that the teen replies "Because when my Dad finds out
what I've done he is going to kill me!!!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Courtesy of Christiaan A. Brugman, Albemarle Road Presbyterian Church, 
Charlotte, NC]
Near Perfect Attendance

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to 
synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of 
faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent 
health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see 
you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he 
whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then 
I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and 
must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]
The Top 15 Signs the Pope is Your Secret Admirer

15. You receive a "Get out of Hell Free" card in the mail.

14. Confesses he gets a "resurrection" just thinking about you.

13. Replaces your communion wafer with a Godiva chocolate.

12. No matter what the sin: 3 Hail Marys and a back massage.

11. When you ask if he likes you, responds with, "Am I Catholic?"

10. Changes "Hail Mary" to "Hail Kathy." Your name? Kathy.

9. Anonymous, racy e-mail traced to "bigcheese@vatican.org."

8. "Except With the Pope" is added to the end of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery."

7. Keeps wanting to introduce you to "Pope Johnson."

6. "Mirrors on the ceiling? That's kid stuff. I'm talkin' Michelangelo, Baby!"

5. During confession, keeps saying, "What do you like best about the church? Me?"

4. Envelopes arrive marked, "You May Already Be A Saint."

3. Sends a Cardinal to find out if you like him.

2. Trades in the pope-mobile for a Trans Am.

1. You start receiving woolen unmentionables from Frederick's of Warsaw.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 4/25/97
[forwarded by Ronald A. Veenker, on REHU-L]
Scene: the philosophers' bar -- every philosopher down through the ages is there.  The bartender
says, "Last call!  Anyone want another round?"  Descartes says, "I think not."  

And he disappears.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in
the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911
words.
*********************************************************
Virtues are almost always learned at your mother's knee.  Vices are generally picked up at other
joints.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Ronald A. Veenker, on REHU-L]
A man dies and goes to hell.  The devil is giving him the grand tour of the place, and they pass a
pit full of people writhing in agony.  "Who are they?" asks the man.  "Those are Catholics who
ate meat on Friday," says the devil.  A little further on they come to another pit of tormented
people.  "Who are they?" asks the man.  The devil says, "Those are Baptists who went out
dancing."  After a while they come to a third pit of people in anguish.  "And these?" asks the
man.  "Oh," says the devil, "those are Episcopalians who used their dessert fork on the salad."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" 

11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." 

10. "So -- what are you wearing?" 

9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 

8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." 

7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 

6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." 

5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 

4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 

3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 

2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics." 

1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 4/26/97
[Jerry Taylor of Greece, New York has been collecting computer-related parodies of classical
book titles.]

 1. A Tale of Two CDs 

2. Cacher in the Rye 

3. Charlotte's Web-site 

4. Gates of Wrath 

5. Gone with the Windows 

6. Green Eggs and RAM 

7. Moby Disk 

8. The Wizard of OS 

9. Pride and Prejudisk 

10. War and PC 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are
generally the same people." --Mark Twain
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972]
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our authority 
is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of 
the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven 
days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from 
the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the 
Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 
of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The 
radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by 
radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven 
loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann 
law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the 
earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell cannot 
be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and 
unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire 
and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must 
be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We have, then, that Heaven, at 
525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
********************************************************
**** Sun 4/27/97    
'IF JESUS WAS BORN TODAY:'

Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when 
they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child's father) in a 
barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect. 

Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to 
represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out 
of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established 
within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA 
testing. (97% probablilty that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent 
divine intervention, that couldn't happen, hmmm?) He would be excluded from 
juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for 
possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be 
told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father 
of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they 
had not yet consummated their union).

The Division of Children and Familly Services would ask the court to order 
Mary to take parenting classes, and the Court would order that homemaker 
services be provided as well, since obviously Mary can't keep house 
properly (the place where the DHS workers forund the child was kept 
remarkably like a barn). Mary would be allowed to have one visit with Jesus 
per week at the Centers for Youth and Families. The visit would be one hour 
long, and supervised by a therapist since Jesus would no doubt be put in 
therapeutic foster care to prevent psychological damage resulting from the 
horrible lack of civilization to which he had been exposed at such a tender 
age.

At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would consider 
terminating parental rights because of Mary's refusal to bring a paternity 
suit against Jesus' true biological father (or even to identify him to the 
satisfaction of the Court). The Court would be appalled at the life choices 
Mary would have made: she would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that 
suspected sexual deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously 
contrary to Jesus' best interest. Since Mary and Joseph had fled the 
jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the authorities, 
they would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious plans to abscond with 
the Ward of the State to Egypt again, where they would possibly engage in 
dangerous and illegal activities with him. Parental rights would be 
terminated, and Jesus would be put up for adoption.

He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically 
powerful family, who have been searching for just such a child as Jesus. Of 
course, Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive family, because 
that's all they wanted him for in the first place. Social services will NOT 
have intervened prior to his death because the state social workers could 
never imagine someone as highly placed as the Herods exploiting children or 
torturing them to death. The political ramifications for the Herods would 
have been too severe. In all likelihood, the social service agencies would 
cover up the death as one occurring from accident, and Herod's good name 
will be preserved.

The Pope will be out of work, and pagan deities will dance on the head of a 
pin.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 4/28/97
[from Brian]
Seems there was a young farmer -- somewhere in Minnesota -- who was milking his favorite cow
early one morning when he noticed a fly going into the ear of the giving animal.  Next thing he
looks down at the milk pail and -- lo and behold -- he notices that the fly is in the milk pail.  Then
he realized what had happened to the cow: in one ear and out the udder.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[posted by John Berggren on REHU-L]
 Reminds me of the fella who was hired to paint the Porch - Later, when the owner asked him if
he had finished he replied, "Yes, but it wasn't a porsche, it was a bmw."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[found on the net somewhere]
As you might imagine, the following true story has provided a jumping-off 
point for more than one sermon...

About 3 years ago, when my son was six years old, he became quite 
fascinated with baptism and quizzed my wife one day after church. She 
explained that the people baptized that day, that she, that he and everyone 
created by God are God's children. "The children of God are everywhere!" 
she exclaimed.

And with a puzzled look he asked, "Then where are all the ADULTS of God?" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church

   1. The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to
     "witness"

   2. New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.

   3. Pastor regularly attends meeting at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

   4. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".

   5. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.

   6. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.

   7. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.

   8. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them
     part of the doctrinal statement.

   9. The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.

  10. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one
     good candidate-she's divorced.
**********************************************************
**** Tue 4/29/97
Jesus Saves!  Passes to Moses,  He shoots.  He SCORES!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Posted on REHU-L by "The Divine Ms M".  Most of the Rehuvians use STRANGE names....]
FRIENDS WITHOUT FACES

 We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
 We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.

 With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
 Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.

 We chat with each other, we type all our woes
 Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.

 We wait for somebody, to type out our name
 We want recognition, but it is always the same.

 We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
 In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.

 We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
 But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.

 Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
 Telling our secrets, that have never been told.

 Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
 With those we can't see, as though we were blind.

 The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
 We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.

 We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must
 So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.

 Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
 They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The Minster and the Paint

A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was 
getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint, but by 
that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and noted that it 
was water based paint, so they added water to thin the paint and finished 
the job.

That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint which 
wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the morning all 
the paint to which they had added water was washed from the house. At that 
moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a voice from above. It said 
"Repaint and thin no more."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 4/30/97
[from Chuck Larkin, via REHU-L]
Preacher driving had a blow-out. Entered adjacent bar - used phone - called triple A to change
tire.  Decided to dring a coke and saw Bill one of his parishioners at the bar really looking bad,
bad, bad.  Went over sat next to Bill ordered a Coke.  "Bill what has happened to you?  Have'n't
seen you in church and you look and smell awfull.  Bill when you go home to night. Take down
your Bible, blow off the dust. set it on it's binding, let the good book fall open, close your eyes
and place your finger on the page and read the message there to you from the Lord! , Will you do
that Bill and come on back to the fold come back to your church."  "Ohhhh Keyyy Preacheeer
I'lll, iI'll, I'll do it."   A few weeks later as the service was getting started Preacher looked out and
saw a stretch limo pull into the parking lot and "mercy thankye lord" out stepped Bill.  Dressed to
the nines down to Gouchee shoes sat in a back pew.  Preacher couldn't hardly wait to talk to Bill. 
Finally services were over and the preacher said,"Bill welcome home the Lord spoke to you."  
"Yes Preacher, I did as you said.  went home took down my Bible, blew off the dust, set her up
on the bindings and let her fall open, closed my eyes and placed my finger on the page."  "And
Bill what was the Lord's word to you?"  "I opened my eyes Preacher and my finger was on
Chapter 11."
=============================
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough,
out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."
The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked. 
The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive
DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. 
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. 
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. 
"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his
feet.
"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. 
"What is your final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to
donate a kidney...."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
President George Bush and Moses

After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and goes 
to Heaven.

Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the streets 
of gold. Thinking to himself: "It would be intresting to compare notes, 
head-of-state to head-of-state." he approaches Moses.

Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way! 

Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise. 

A few hundred years pass, and George again sees Moses walking the streets 
of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses 
notices him.

George asks: "Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each 
other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state 
with you."

Moses replies: "Well, the last time I spoke to a 'Bush', I wound up 
spending 40 years in the wilderness!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
