HUMOR7 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at     CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 5/1/97
[from a 15 year-old, in a youth contest "The Deep Thoughts of Jack Handey"]
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry
because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[posted by Alan T Perry on CANANG-L, then forwarded to REHU-L]
I have it on good authority that Canon Chicken has just been elected to the newly-founded
Anglican Diocese of Ukraine, and is henceforth to be referred to as either Bishop Chicken, or
+Chicken :Kiev
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Ecunet, posted by John Hanscom on REHU-L]
How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but his heart must be strangely moved.

How many Pentecostalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  They just lay on hands and pray for healing.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to call the electrician and one to pay the bill.

How many Jesuits does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.  One to change the light bulb, two to discuss the theological
implications, and one to moderate the discussion.

How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
They were never sure it ever worked anyhow.

How many theology professors does it take to change a light bulb?
It had better be one, otherwise the matter will be hotly debated and no
light will be forthcoming.

How many Metropolitan Community Church members does it take to change a
light bulb?
Is that a technical question?

How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  Darkness is only a state of mind.

How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
"How can I convince you that you should glow?"

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
If you were predestined to do so, then do it!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Fr Dave Dean (an Anglican), posted on REHU-L]
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?

CHANGE!!!!!!!!

How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three!  One to put in the bulb and two to discuss how much better the 1962
version is.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Swedie, posted on REHU-L]
Q. How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. CHANGE it?!!!  We've ALWAYS used that light Bulb!!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic, posted on REHU-L]

Q. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether
   changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.

Q. How many televangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Honestly, we're not sure. But for the message of change to continue
   to go out, please keep those letters and checks coming.

Q. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to
   pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old lightbulb.

Q. How many United Church of Christ members does it take to change a
   lightbulb?
A. Eleven. One to change the lightbulb. And ten more to organize a
   covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb
service.

Q. How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that
   they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back to
   their next meeting.

Q. How many Charismatic does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the spirit of
   darkness in the room.

Q. How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Are you kidding? They don't change burned out light bulbs. After
   all, it was predestined to burn out. How can you fight
   predestination?

Q. How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What's a lightbulb?

Q.  How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  300--12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and
Personnel  Committee.  5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel
Committee which appoints the House Committee.  8 to sit on the House
Committees which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.  4 to sit
on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the
Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods"
while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes
100 individuals  to complain about the method of installation and
another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at
all.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 5/2/97
A profit is not without honor, save when it's not in YOUR pocket.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
        God is like Coke... He's the real thing.

        God is like General Electric... He lights your path.

        God is like Bayer Aspirin... He works wonders.

        God is like Hallmark... He cares enough to send the very best.

        God is like Tide... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

        God is like VO5 Hair Spray... He holds through all kinds of weather.

        God is like Dial Soap... Aren't you glad you know Him?  Don't you wish everyone did?

        God is like Sears... He has everything.

        God is like Alka Seltzer... Try Him.  You'll like Him.

        God is like Scotch Tape... You can't see Him, but you know he's there, holding things
together.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Susan Polizzi on REHU-L]
Don Kerr's Top Ten Reasons to Join the Choir
 
 10 Long, flowing choir robes cover nasty armpit stains, wrinkled sports shirts and mismatched
outfits.
 
 9  Choir members take communion first, thus avoiding long, thumb-twiddling wait experienced
by lowly congregation.
 
 8  Large music folders easily conceal crossword puzzle book, Soap Opera Digest, Sports
Illustrated and other periodicals needed during long sermons.
 
 7  Choir exits church from chancel area, thereby bypassing the narthex and those uncomfortable,
forced-smile meetings with new members, the pastor and church members you'd really rather not
see.
 
 6  10:30 Sunday morning call means choir members get early reprieve from Sunday School.
 
 5  Keeping a running count of those dozing in the congregation helps service pass quickly.
 
 4  Choir members share 50% of tip money earned by organist at his/her other, more lucrative job
as pianist at the Highland Mall food court.
 
 3  Wednesday night rehearsals provide a relaxing couple of hours away from grumpy spouse and
wild kids.
 
 2  Can't read music?  Can't carry a tune?  Two words:  Tenor Section!
 
 And the #1 reason to join the Church Choir...
 
 1  Offering plate is never passed in the choir loft!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 5/3/97
[posted on REHU, from a letter to the National Catholic Reporter 4/11/97]
   "I see no reason to assume that the moral rigorists in the church will be the ones most opposed
to cloning.  It seems to me they would welcome this new development for definitively disproving
the slogan popular in Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults circles:
   "Shepherds don't make sheep--sheep make sheep."
From now on shepherds will indeed be able to make sheep.  For those god-players who desire a
church full of ideological clones, it must seem like an answer to prayer!"
(Peter Jeffery, Guilford Ct.)
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Mountain climbers always rope themselves together, probably to prevent the ones with sense from
going home.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Chuck Larkin, via REHU-L]
Charles Smith died and went to Heaven, there he met St. Peter.  "Welcome," said St. Peter, "let
me show you around.  He first took him to a small group of people.  "Here," he said," is a group
of Catholics, fine bunch they are."

 They went a little futher and Charles saw  a huge group of people.  "Who are they?" he asked. 
"Oh!" said St. Peter, "those are Methodist and Protestants, they all hang together.  They walked a
little futher and came to a hugh brick wall.  "Why would Heaven have a brick wall ?" asked
Charles. "Well you see," said St. Peter, "that's where we put the Baptists, they
think they're the only ones here !"
==============================
[from Fr. Kidd, on REHU]
Back in my first year of seminary, I was running late on a bunch of papers.  I'd left a paper on the
creed for a systematic theology class just sitting on my computer, where my nutso roomates could
fiddle with it while I was innocently out relieving myself or some such thing.

I came back, and one of them (they never did admit to which one) had used the search and replace
function to turn all references to "God" to read "Gord" and all references to "Jesus" to read
"Bob."

     I believe in Gord,
     the Father almighty,
     creator of heaven and earth...

     I believe in Bob, his only Son our Lord...

It was even funnier when I got around to talking about the historical Bob vs the Bob of faith, and
whether we could be expected to tell the difference.

Gord save me, I almost printed it off and handed it in without looking at it.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 5/4/97
Each class in the Church School was asked to select a Bible verse that somehow reflected the
theme and character of the class -- even the church nursery was asked to participate. This
assignment puzzled the nursery workers...until they lit upon 1 Corinthians 15:51 -- "We will not
all sleep, but we will all be changed..." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
'HOLY WARS'

The following excerpts are from an English translation of Umberto Eco's 
back-page column, "La bustina di Minerva," in the Italian news weekly 
"Espresso," September 30, 1994.

.."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground 
religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of 
mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately 
agree with me.

"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh 
computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the 
opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant. Indeed, 
the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by the 'ratio 
studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, conciliatory, it tells 
the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach--if not the 
Kingdom of Heaven--the moment in which their document is printed. It is 
catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via simple formulae 
and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.

"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation of 
scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle 
hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can 
reach salvation. To make the system work you need to interpret the program 
yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revellers, the user is 
closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.

"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe has 
come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of the 
Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big 
ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a 
return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions; when 
it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and gays to be ministers 
if you want to.

"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments, if you 
prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is talmudic and 
cabalistic..."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 5/5/97
[from Chuck Larkin, via REHU-L]
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in
with the "Gummit" by labeling Black slang as a language, "Ebonics,"
has decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline
through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics,"
as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts
from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi.
                Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My
                brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hotlanta.
                Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
                Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,
                and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them
                N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I think I left
                my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
                from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my
                brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
                Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all
                            in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
                Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words
                and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
                Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh
                don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
                Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do
                hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
                Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
                Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms
                are tarred."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle
                or combat.
ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of "we" used as a predicate
                adjective.
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are
                willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
                Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be
                from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
                Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "
                He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - adjective/noun combo. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "
                Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
                Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job
                with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
                Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense of "see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
                Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew
                me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit
                boys shore are ignert."
====================================>
**** Tue 5/6/97     
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of "Being and Nothingness."  He says
to the waitress "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."  To which the waitress replies
"I'm sorry, monsieur, we're out of cream.  How about with no milk?"
+----------------------------------------------------------+
Psalm 23

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,
All of His commands are user friendly,
His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of file,
I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;
Your password protects me;
You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;
Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
**********************************************************
[from Chuck Larkin, via REHU-L]
     You might be a Yankee if..
      1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 
      2) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of 
      the same prep school in Connecticut. 
      3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire 
      sauce"correctly. 
      4) You don't see anything wrong with putting a 
      sweater on a poodle.  
      5) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.  
      6) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to 
      gethis own TV fishing show.  
      7) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all,"you call them 
      "you guys," even if both of them are women. 
      8) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.  
      9) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
     10)   None of your fur coats are homemade. 
      11) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife 
      show. 
      12) You think more money should go to important scientific research at 
      your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
      13) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 
      14) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the 
      house. 
      15) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from 
      getting on an on-ramp on the highway. 
      16) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it 
      goes over your head. 
      17) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 
      18) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at 
      Neiman Marcus. 
      19) You call binoculars opera glasses. 
      20) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side 
      of the road and stopping .
====================================
**** Wed 5/7/97     
[from http://www.cs.swarthmore.edu/~binde/religion/humor/misc/stop-signs.html]

The Exegesis of Stop Signs

Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

     1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign with his bumper, ending forever the tyranny of the
north-south traffic over the east-west traffic. 

     2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the
bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west
road. 

     3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from
its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the nterpretive community doesn't
take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either. 

     4. An average Catholic doesn't bother to read the sign, but he'll stop if the car in front of him
does. 

     5. A fundamentalist, allowing the text to interpret itself, stops at the stop sign and waits for it
to tell him to go. 

     6. A suburban preacher looks up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discovers that it can
mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that
prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main
point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place
where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car. 

     7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: 

          1) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk
of disobeying the Law. 

          2) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who
hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then
proceed. Incidently, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says:
He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three
before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He,
gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three
patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and
know that I am God." R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites,
the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his
daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come
out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his
transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a
word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll.
One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out:
"Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written:
"Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the
sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says:
When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." R.
Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages] 

     8. A Karaite does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead
of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it
is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal. 

     9. A Unitarian concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtably was never uttered by Jesus
himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first
confronted by traffic in its parking lot. 

     10. A divinity professor notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on
Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both
copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page
discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop
signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an
unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to explain what
the text means. 

     11. A tenured divinity professor points out that there are a number of stylistic differences
between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed
areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination.
He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and
probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself
actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O"
and the "P". 

     12. A rival scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context
three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was
moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the
stop sign were not there. 

     13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, a later scholar emends the text, changing "T"
to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity
of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occured because "SHOP" is so similar to
"STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the
sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 5/8/97     
[from Chuck Larkin, via REHU-L]
 Do you know why Baptist don't have sex in public?  It looks too much like dancing.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. -- G.K. Chesterton
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Psalm 23 for Students

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk; 
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. 
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; 
He restores my faith in study guides. 
He leads me to better study habits 
For my grades' sake. 

Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades, 
I will not have a nervous breakdown; 
For Thou art with me; 
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. 
Thou givest me the answers in moments of blankness; 
Thou anointest my head with understanding, 
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize. 

Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me 
All the days of examinations; 
And I shall not have to dwell in this university forever! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
God and Adam in the garden

Well, God and Adam were walking in the garden, and God was stoked. He was 
really excited about what he had made.....

...And while God was walking around bragging, he finally noticed that Adam 
wasn't as excited as he.....

...So he asked Adam what was wrong... and Adam said, "well look God, I mean 
I really like being alive and all..and the garden is cool, but all the 
other animals have mates....

...The cows have thier mates and the horses have theirs, but I only have 
myself...

....So God said..."well, I've got a deal for you Adam...I 'll make you a 
mate that will darn your socks, wash you clothes, and be there at your 
beckoning call...

...And Adam said, "Wow! How much wil it cost me God?"

..God said "It'll cost you and arm and a leg."

...Adam said, "Ooooooo. Man, I donno...... What can I get for a rib?" 
**********************************************************
**** Fri 5/9/97     
Happiness usually adds and multiplies if divided with others.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
A pessimist is one who, when he has the choice ot two evils, chooses both. -- Oscar Wilde
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The Pope and the Police

Recently the Pope decided that he could save some expenses at the Vatican 
by learning how to drive himself. That way they would not need to pay for a 
driver everywhere he went.

The following month, there were two motorcycle police in Washington D.C. 
who were on traffic patrol when they saw a white limosine blasting down the 
expressway.

The younger wanted to catch the speeder, but the older one said, "Forget 
it. It's probably some big shot politician who will just get the ticket 
fixed."

Not to be discouraged, the younger gave chase. He returned a short time 
later, rather more quiet then when he had left.

"Well, did you write the citation?" asked the other officer. 

"No."

"Was he some big shot, like I told you?"

"Yeah. I think he was."

"I'll bet he was some Senator or something. Right?"

"I, uh, don't think so. I think he was bigger than that."

"You telling me that was the Vice President?"

"No, I, uh, he was bigger thah that."

"Don't tell me you stopped the President!"

"No. I think he was a lot bigger than that!"

"Just who do you think is bigger than the President?"

"Well," replied the younger, "I couldn't see who was in the back seat, but 
he had the Pope driving for him!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 5/10/97    
[From margarete brandenburg, via sermonshop, via REHU]
 For all the moms out there, they finally got the definitions right! 
 -------------------------------------- 
 
 ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several 
 hours of talking in small words about topics like "who touched who 
 first." 
 
 AIRPLANE:What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets. 
 
 ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a 
 child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. 
 
 APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for 
 cupcakes. 
 
 BABY: 1. Dad,when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 
 42. 
 
 BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom 
 to be self-cleaning. 
 
 BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained 
 logically. 
 
 BED AND BREAKFAST:  Two things the kids will never make for themselves. 
 
 CARPET:  Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off 
 shoes. 
 
 CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up 
 going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most 
 sugar. 
 
 CHINA:  Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love 
 leftover vegetables. 
 
 COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name. 
 
 COUCH POTATO:  What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat 
 dinner. 
 
 DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the 
 kids in a different setting. 
 
 DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge. 
 
 DUST:  Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a 
 battle zone. 
 
 DUST RAGS:  See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR." 
 
 EAR: A place where kids store dirt. 
 
 EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them. 
 
 EMPTY NEST:  See"Wishful THINKING." 
 
 ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until 
 asked to do something. 
 
 "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past 
 times by children. 
 
 EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be 
 "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled 
 butter knife. 
 
 FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. 
 
 FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's 
 for dinner tonight?" See"SARCASM" 
 
 FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her 
 daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle. 
 
 GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom 
 assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing 
 herself. 
 
 GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids. 
 
 GUM: Adhesive for the hair. 
 
 HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not 
 containing, dirty clothing. 
 
 HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves,drapes,etc. 
 
 HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and 
 sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the 
 evening meal. 
 
 HINDSIGHT:  What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. 
 
 HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the 
 Golden Fleece. 
 
 ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if 
 kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them 
 back in the freezer empty. 
 
 INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom 
 has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside. 
 
 "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom 
 
 JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night. 
 
 JEANS:  Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any 
 occasion, including church and funerals. 
 
 "JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do 
 to embarrass me in front of my friends?" 
 
 JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids. 
 
 JUNK: Dad's stuff. 
 
 KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that 
 Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just 
 right. 
 
 KISS: Mom medicine. 
 
 LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends 
 do so. 
 
 LEMONADE STAND:  Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered 
 mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, 
 pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net 
 a profit of 15 cents. 
 
 LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's paper-mache 
 volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a 
 full-ride scholarship to Harvard. 
 
 LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends." 
 
 MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look 
 better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." 
 
 MAYBE: No. 
 
 MILK:  A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's 
 turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa. 
 
 "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something. 
 
 MUSH:  1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main 
 element of Mom's favorite movies. 
 
 NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never 
 have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening 
 stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men 
 and/or doll clothing. 
 
 PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops. 
 
 OCEAN:  What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, 
 assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy 
 boats, cars and animals. 
 
 OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of 
 company. 
 
 OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. 
 
 PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean 
 their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom. 
 
 PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have 
 someone else to clean up after. 
 
 PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of 
 dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse 
 to play in front of company. 
 
 PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can 
 never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic 
 container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy 
 bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated 
 coupons. 
 
 QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of 
 the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for 
 college. 
 
 RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, 
 rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a 
 book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing." 
 
 Refrigerator: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the 
 kitchen. 
 
 ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a 
 mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. 
 
 SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from 
 watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous 
 historic events. 
 
 SCREAMING: Home P.A. system. 
 
 SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and 
 snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the 
 cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom. 
 
 SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her 
 kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel. 
 
 SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces. 
 
 SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with 
 Grandma. 
 
 SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, 
 and even pneumonia. 
 
 SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric 
 which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice. 
 
 TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to 
 understand her child's "special needs." 
 
 TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer. 
 
 "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know What's good for 
 them. Also applies to how they talk. 
 
 TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS" 
 
 TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks. 
 
 TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in. 
 
 UMPTEENTH:  Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must 
 instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done. 
 
 UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the 
 wearer will never have an accident. 
 
 UTOPIA: See"BUBBLE BATH" 
 
 VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to 
 find it there, too. 
 
 VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each 
 morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just 
 like Daddy." 
 
 WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every 
 room. 
 
 WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent 
 ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum. 
 
 "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime 
 and punishment. 
 
 XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing 
 note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. 
 
 XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children 
 who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over 
 and over, all day long!  See also "DRUMS" 
 
 YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell 
 kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are 
 treasured mementos she can't bear to part with. 
 
 "YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was 
 changed to 12 months.  See also "YAHOO!" 
 
 ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already 
 this week. 
 
 ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before 
 kids refuse to eat it. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 5/11/97    
Pearly Gates Story

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly 
gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into 
heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a 
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When 
you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and 
never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" 
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported 
its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point." 
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and 
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven 
is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
HYMNS FOR THE CHURCH OF THE LOW SELF-ESTEEM

All Things Dull and Boring
Ah, Lowly Pastor, How Hast Thou Offended?
Awake, Awake to Drudge and Toil
Come Christians, Mumble, Sing
Come, Thou Non-Expected Jesus
Come Ye Thankless People Come
Deck Myself, My Church with Drabness
For the Bread Which Now is Molden
Go Tell it By the Fountain
I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say, "Go 'Way, Go 'Way"
I Think that My Redeememr Lives
Just As I Am I Think I'll Stay
Let Us With An Empty Mind
Lord Dismiss Us, Leave Us Guessing
Mournful, Mournful, We Ignore Thee
Oh Day of Test and Sadness
O Why Should We be Dealt This Hand
Downward, Christian Soldiers
Ride On, Ride On in Mediocrity
Rock of Ages, Fell on Me
Savior, Like McDonald's Feed Us
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
The Lord's My Shepherd, But More I Want
The Strife is O'er, We've Come Undone
There's a Smell in the Air
This is Great Grandma's Pew
Watchman, Please Turn Off that Light
We Slipped and Fell Down Jacob's Ladder
We Gather Together Now Don't You Come Join Us
We Weren't There When They Crucified Our Lord
We Botchers and We Lowly Ones
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 5/12/97    
[From George Burns' last book, "100 Years, 100 Stories", via HAND!, 
via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

Eighty-four

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.  On one
visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities
through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going
to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he
said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night
of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.  Thank you, old
sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other
honorees went before the queen.  Finally they called his name.  He
knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and
then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight
different from all other knights?" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from "Just Too Funny!"]
This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God.  She asked him, "How
much time do I have to live?"  He said, "You have 35 years left."

So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose
reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to
live another 35 years she was going to look young again.

After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.

When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened?  I thought
you said I had another 35 years."

God replied,  "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tues 5/13/97   
[from Naomi, via "Just Too Funny!"]
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real
vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North
Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for
two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man
came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein.  "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, Madam.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.  No Jews allowed."

"Jewish?  Who's Jewish?  I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe.  Let me ask you, who was the Son of  God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Sheryl Renshaw, on the net]
The Silent Monk

There was a man, approaching middle age, whose life was comfortable, but he 
felt an emptiness inside, a longing. So he decide to join a monastery. 

The head monk told him that the road ahead was difficult, he would have to 
give up all earthly possessions, pray constantly, and he would have to be 
totally silent. In fact, he could not speak at all, to anyone. He was 
allowed only to say two words every five years.

So the man joins and becomes a monk, and he is silent. Five years goes by, 
and the Pope comes to visit. The man is summoned before the pope, and he is 
asked "so, how is everything?" The man answers "bed hard". The Pope 
replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we didn't know. We'll take care of that right 
away. You should be comfortable in bed." And the bed is fixed. 

Another five years goes by, the man is silent, and again, the Pope comes to 
visit. He again asks "How are you, my son, is all OK?" The man replies to 
the Pope "Food cold", to which the Pope replies, "Oh, my, that is no good, 
we will take care of that problem right away. No more cold food." 

Again, five more years goes by, the man is the ideal monk, he prays, he is 
silent. This time, the Pope can't visit, so he the man is called before his 
superior, who asks "How are you, are you OK? To which the man replies "I 
quit".

So his superior says, in surprise, "Well, of course you quit, you've been 
here for fifteen years and all you've done is complain!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 5/14/97    
[from Dickibus, on REHU]
Looking out into the congregation, the young minister noted that the bishop was in attendance.
After the service was over, the minister was shaking hands as the bishop exited.
     "How did you like my sermon, Bishop," the young man asked.
     "Young man, it was like the peace and mercy of God," replied the bishop. "It was like his
peace in that it passed all understanding and like his mercy in that I thought it would endure
forever."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[NOT a joke.  From  Shane Kirkpatrick, via "Wit & Wisdom"]
     A mother wishing to encourage her young son's progress at the piano bought tickets to a
Paderewski performance. When the evening arrived, they found their seats near the front of the
concert hall and eyed the majestic Steinway waiting on stage. Soon the mother found a friend to
talk to, and the boy slipped away. At eight o'clock, the lights in the auditorium began to dim, the
spotlights came on, and only then did they notice the boy, ...up on the bench, innocently picking
out "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
        His mother gasped, ....but before she could retrieve her son, the master appeared on the
stage and quickly moved to the keyboard.  He whispered to the boy: "Don't quit--keep playing."
Leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon
his right arm reached around the other side, improvised a delightful obligato. Together, the old
master and the young novice held the crowd mesmerized.
        In our lives, unpolished though they may be, it is The Master who surrounds us and whispers
in our ear time and again: "Don't quit--keep playing". And, as we do, he augments and
supplements until work of amazing beauty is created.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.

As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says
"Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this !"

"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here
ten years sooner."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Thanks to Mark D. Hodges]
The Clergy and the Barber

A Rabbi went to the barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber
said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a
loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step.

A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and
the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found
a bottle of wine outside his front door step.

A couple of days later the Baptist preacher came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to
pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." So the next
morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their hair cut! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 5/15/97    
[from Rosita Peralta]
A Mexican and an American were in a boat.  Suddenly, they hear a loud explosion and found
themselves in the water, hanging from a piece of  wood.

The Mexican crosses himself and says:  "Virgen de Guadalupe, Salvame!"  The Virgin appears,
takes him in her arms and takes him to dry land.

Tha American sees this and decides to do the same.  One minor problem:  He does not speak
Spanish.  He decides to try anyway and says:  "Virgin of Guadalupe, please save".  The Virgin
appears one more time and says:  "Sorry, Me no speako English."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[posted on REHU]
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 Take naps and stretch before rising.

 Run, romp and play daily.

 Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

 Be loyal.

 Never pretend to be something you're not.

 If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

 When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and
make friends.

 Bond with your pack.

 Delight in the simple joy of  a long walk.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 5/16/97    
[from Barbara, via REHU]
St. Teresa of Avila loved food and cooking.  She was jovially preparing a partridge dish one day
when one of the more nunny nuns commented on her excess enthusiasm.  She replied:  "When I
pray, I pray.  When I partridge, I partridge!" and continued dancing around the kitchen.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Lin Robin]
How many popes does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  Once a light bulb has been infallibly installed, it cannot be changed, even if we're all left in
the dark.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Henry D.W. Burt, Diocese of Virginia, via EcuLaugh]
Q:  Why does it take three bishops to consecrate a fourth person bishop?

A:  Two to hold him down.  One to rip out his (or her) backbone.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a large 
audience. Toward the end, hesqueezed the juice from a lemon between his 
hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the 
audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.

A thin scholarly looking man came forward, picked up the lemon, strained 
hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the man 
and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?"

"Practice," the man answered. "I was the treasurer of the Methodist Church 
for thirty-two years!.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The Rabbi, Vicar and Priest by the River

A Rabbi, a Vicar and a Priest went fishing one day, they patiently sat on 
the river bank waiting for a bite, after a few hours the Rabbi stood up and 
said, "I don't think we are to get anywhere here so I'm going to cross the 
river and try up stream". The Priest pointed out that the nearest bridge 
was 3 miles away. "No problem" replied the Rabbi who knelt down and prayed 
for a few seconds, then he stood up and walked across the water! The Vicar 
started packing away his fishing equipment and shouted to the Rabbi to wait 
for him. The Vicar knelt down said a quick prayer and walked across the 
river to join the Rabbi. The Priest thought to himself if they can do it so 
can I. "Wait for me" the Priest called, "There's no point in me staying 
here on my own", the Priest knelt down and said a prayer stood up walked to 
the river bank took one step out into the river then vanished beneath the 
surface. On the other bank the Vicar turned to the Rabbi "Do you think we 
should of told him about the stepping stones"?
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 5/17/97    
"If this is the way you treat your friends, Lord, it's no wonder you have so few of them!" -- St.
Teresa of Avila
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Members of one church were getting carried away in Worship one evening. The 
tambourines a shaking, the drums a rocking and choruses and prayers 
asscended to Heaven in an never ending stream. Amidst the sighs and 
ecstatic shouts of joy, one old man was truly overcome with emotion: 

"Ah Lord, Thoust can see we are having a blessed time this evening, but 
this is nothing, Lord, Thoust should have been here at the meeting last 
week, Lord!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[by Susan E Marlin, from Reader's Digest Interactive (http://www.readersdigest.com)]

      AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION, a woman persuaded a friend of mine to attend a meeting of
her club. My friend said he didn't want to be out too late, though, because he lived a good
distance away.      "Don't worry," she assured him. "We'll be through by eight o'clock at the
latest."      Eight o'clock came and went, and the meeting dragged on. My friend sat patiently.
It was past midnight when he was asked to close the meeting with a benediction. Bowing his
head, he began, "Excuse me, Lord, but I hope I didn't wake you..." 
+---------------------------------------------------------+
The Bishop and the Pastor

The pastor in a small village church was renowned for his boring speeches, 
so the congregation quite often fell asleep during his sermons. When the 
bishop visited him, he complained of this to him.

- Well, the bishop said. From time to time I have had the same problem. I 
then start to tell them that one time in my life I have been lying at the 
breast of a woman who was not my wife... When they look at me with large 
eyes, I say to them : It was when I was a baby and was lying at my mothers 
breast.

The pastor found this to be a good advice, and thought he would use it the 
next time.

True enough, the next sunday, the congregation drifted into half sleep, and 
the pastor said :

- One time in my life I have been lying at the breast of a woman who was 
not my wife..., and the congregation looked at him in astonishment. 

..... but now I cannot remember who ......???

.... - Oh yes, It was the bishops mother!!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 5/18/97    
'ARE YOU LOOKING BUSY?'

Father Fizbin, the new Vicar at the Mission Church of St. Swithin, was
sitting in his office early one Sunday morning. Suddenly he saw a mist
forming in the cornerof the room. As he watched the mist began to coalesce
and he saw the form of a young middle-eastern man taking shape. The man had
on a bright white robe and his features seemed to radiate light.

Father Fizbin, recognizing that he was witnessing an awesome event grabbed
the telephone and called Father Bigmann, the Archdeacon. When the
Archdeacon answered, Father Fizbin excitedly said: "This is Father Fizbin
at St. Swithin's; our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! What should
I do??"

Father Bigmann rolled his eyes and suggested that such news should be
reported straight to the Bishop. He encouraged Father Fizbin to do just
that.

So Father Fizbin called the Diocesan offices and asked to speak to the
Bishop. The Bishop's Secretary wanted to know what was so important. So
Father Fizbin again said: "Our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! I
need to know what to do!" The Bishop's Secretary had little patience for

such things on a Sunday morning so she put the call through. "He's got the
theology degrees," she said "let him handle it."

The Bishop picked up the phone and asked what he could do. Father Fizbin,
really excited at this point because the figure was now quite distinct,
said: "Bishop! Our Lord is manifesting Himself in my office! Please tell me
what to do!!"

The Bishop thought for a moment, and then said: "Try to look busy."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Rainier United Methodist Church Home Page]
The Lord's Lottery

A Sure Fire Stewardship Program Designed And Developed By Dale Vitalis 

Theological Basis: 'As a man winneth so will he giveth.' Hez 6:15 

Purpose: The 'BLT' (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its 
way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.

Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:


  1. When the ushers bring the offering plates to the altar the pastor will 
     place all the offering envelopes in a big round tumbler on the altar. 

  2. One of the acolytes will step forward and draw out one of the offering 
     envelopes from the big round tumbler on the altar.

  3. The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will 
     receive DOUBLE THEIR MONEY BACK!!

Benefits: Fee-nominal!! Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits 
blessings, if you serve a 'spiritual' congregation) from this 'Lord's 
Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program'

  1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes. 

  2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to members you 
     will be astounded at how your membership will grow.

  3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if 
     their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate 
     the intelligence of your members).

  4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can 
     imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope 
     is drawn.

  5. You will have no trouble lining up acolytes because of the excitement, 
     honor, and prestige that comes with the job.

  6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying 
     those expensive offering envelope boxes. When this new program catches 
     on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also 
     discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call 
     this the 'bingo syndrome.'

  7. Pastors will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as 
     that will no longer be the 'main event.'

WARNING! REMEMBER JIM AND TAMMY.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 5/19/97    
[special thanks to Andy Kerr and Deborah Renaud and the participants of 
MKNet.  And actually, a LOT of these work on my own "Air Force Brat" childhood!]

'MISSIONARY'S KID'

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN MK WHEN...

- You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"

- You speak two languages, but can't spell either.

- You flew before you could walk.

- The U.S. is a foreign country.

- You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.

- The Oklahoma City bombing seemed normal to you.

- You have a passport, but no driver's license.

- You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone. 

- You have a time zone map next to your telephone.

- You don't know how to play Pac-Man.

- You would rather eat seaweed than cafeteria food.

- Your life story uses the phrase, "Then we went to..." five times. 

- You speak to different ethnic groups in their own language. 

- You think in grams, meters, and liters.

- You speak with authority on the quality of airline travel. 

- You go to the U.S., and get sick from a mosquito bite.


- You send your family peanut butter and Kool-Aid for Christmas. 

- You worry about fitting in, and wear a native wrap around the dorm. 

- National Geographic makes you homesick.

- You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.

- People simply don't understand.

- You live at school, work in the tropics, and go home for vacation. 

- You don't know where home is.

- Strangers say they can remember you when you were "this tall." 

- You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

- You do your devotions in another language.

- You sort your friends by continent.

- You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.

- You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get big. 

- "Where are you from?" has more than one reasonable answer. 

- The nationals say, "Oh, I knew an American once..." and then ask if you 
know him or her.

- You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of the U.S. Postal Service. 

- You realize that furlough is not a vacation.

- You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.

- You've spoken in dozens of churches, but aren't a pastor. 

- Furlough means that you are stuffed every night... and have to eat it all 
to seem polite.

- Your parents decline your cousin's offer to let them use his BMW, and 
stuff all six of you into an old VW Beetle instead.

- You stockpile mangoes.

- You know what REAL coffee tastes like.

- The majority of your friends don't speak English as a first language. 

- Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the sport wrong. 

- You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted 
ball.

- You know there is no such thing as an international language. 

- You know the difference between patriotism and nationalism. 

- You tell Americans that democracy isn't the only viable form of 
government.

- You realize what a small world it is, after all.

- You never take anything for granted.

- You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the 
nationals are REALLY saying into the camera.

- You know how to pack.

- All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin roof. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 5/20/97    
'MOSES JOKES'

Then there's the joke about the haughty New England dowager from 
Massachusetts seated next to the local rabbi at a big town dinner 
celebrating the town's 350th anniversary or some such, and she says, 
snobbishly, "I'll have you know, Rabbi, that my family not only has been in 
this town since the beginning, but my ancestors wrote the Mayflower 
Compact." To which the rabbi, twinkle in his eyes, says, "That's nothing, 
madam. MY ancestors wrote the Ten Commandments."
* * * * * * *
And the one where Moses ascends Mt. Sinai and says, "Oy vey, God, have I 
got a headache. Can you help me?" To which God replies, "Sure, Moses, take 
two tablets and call me in the morning."
* * * * * *
Did you know that Pharaoh's daughter was one of the financial geniuses in 
the Bible?

She pulled a prophet from the rush on the bank.
* * * * * * *
I recall someone, I think it was Malcom Muggeridge, saying that he felt the 
Church of England was beginning to treat the Ten Commandments as if they 
were part of a university exam: "Choose eight of the following ten..." 
* * * * *
from a cartoon in the new yorker . . .

red sea parted on each side
moses leading the way with his staff
turns to the person behind him:
"Yes, it is a little damp underfoot,
but under the circumstances it seems a little petty!"
* * * * * * *
This Sunday's text (Exodus 17:1-7) on Moses striking the stone to get 
water: Moses complains that the people are complaining. Everyone is 
complaining and God says to Moses to get the staff he used to strick the 
Nile. Which only goes to show that:

" With the right staff you can work miracles"
* * * * * * *
JOKES about the 10 Commandments? I am shocked! . Let's see: I think Mel 
Brooks tells the one about how there were orginally 15 commandments, but 
Moses was a hard bargainer and got God down to ten.

Something along the lines of good news, bad news, as I recall. The good 
news, I got Him to come down to ten. The bad news, adultery is still in 
there.
* * * * * * *
Not a joke, per se. But during Scripture & Interp. with Tiede and Fretheim 
(Luther Seminary, early 80s) we heard a story of a Literalist, listening to 
a deconstructionist lecture on the Exodus.

Teacher: And God parted the water, allowing Israel to pass through. 

Literalist: Praise God! A Miracle!

Teacher: But it wasn't really a miracle. It was actually The Reed Sea, only 
a few inches deep, and it was wind that blew it back.

Literalist: Praise God! A Miracle!

Teacher: What do you mean? Didn't you understand? The wind simply blew the 
water aside.

Literalist: No. The miracle was that God was able to drown Pharaoh's whole 
army in just a couple inches of water.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 5/21/97    
[by Christine Fodera, from Reader's Digest Interactive (http://www.readersdigest.com)]

      BECAUSE our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent
on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to
rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar
and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I
waited in a pew.  Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule.
They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband, I
looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam -- are you up there? Did you make it okay?" 
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I
made it up here just fine!"  
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. 

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." 
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." 
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." 

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." 

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't." 
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." 
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield." 
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm 
descent." 
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative." 
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." 
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem:  "Number three engine missing." 
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 5/22/97    
[forwarded by john hanscom, on REHU]
    In a small college town, a tavern frequented by students ran the
following ad in the campus paper during the days before Parents' Weekend:
"Bring Your Parents for Lunch Saturday.  We'll Pretend We Don't Know You."
    The ad was soon challenged by the college chaplain, who posted a
revised version on the campus bulletin board.  It read: "Bring Your Parents
to Chapel Sunday.  We'll Pretend We Know You Well."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from  Rev. John L. Mand, "Holy Humor", via "Wit & Wisdom"]
"I want to tithe," a man told his pastor, "I want to give 10 percent of my income to my church. 
When my income was $50 a week, I gave $5 to the church every week.  When I was successful in
business and my weekly income rose to $500 a week, I gave $50 to my church every week.  But
now my income has gone to $5,000 a week, and I just can't bring myself to give $500 to the
church every week."   The pastor said, "Why don't we pray over this?"  The pastor began to pray,
"Dear God, please make this man's weekly income $500 a week so that he can tithe..." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[by C L Brooke, from Reader's Digest Interactive (http://www.readersdigest.com)]

       OUR CHURCH CHOIR was raising money to attend a music competition and decided to
have a car wash. To our dismay, after a busy morning, the rain began pouring down in
midafternoon, and the customers stopped coming.  Finally one of the women printed this poster:
"WE WASH," (and with an arrow pointed skyward) "HE RINSES!"      Business was soon
booming once again.  
+---------------------------------------------------------+
[from Helen Jenner]
     The Universal Rx
    
    No moving parts, no batteries.
    No monthly payments and no fees;
    Inflation proof, non-taxable,
    In fact, it's quite relaxable;
   
    It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
    One size fits all, do not dilute.
    It uses little energy,
    But yields results enormously.
   
    Relieves your tension and your stress,
    Invigorate your happiness;
    Combats depression, makes you beam,
    And elevates your self esteem!
   
    Your circulation it corrects
    Without unpleasant side effects
    It is, I think, the perfect drug:
    May I prescribe, my friend,... the hug!
   
    (and, of course, fully returnable!)
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 5/23/97    
[from "Just Too Funny"]
Visiting a big city, a Christian farmer entered a fancy restaurant for lunch.  When his meal was
served, he bowed his head and quietly gave thanks to God for the food.  There was a group of
rowdy teenagers at a nearby table, and one of them taunted him in a loud voice:
  "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that where you live?"
The old farmer looked at the young man and calmly said:
  "No, son, the pigs don't."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Greg Singleton, on REHU]
A rather pompous man considered himself a good Christian because he faithfully attended church
on Sundays.  One week he was asked to address a children's Sunday School class, and he began 
by asking, "Do you know why people say that I am a Christian?"  Following a long, awkward
silence, a small voice ventured, "Maybe they don't know you."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Greg Singleton, on REHU]
A boy was watching his father writing a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.
"Why, God tells me," the father replied. "Oh," said the boy. "But then why do you keep crossing
things out?"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[found at http://www.spiritonline.org/hm.html]
PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC

ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now?

TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.

GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER: Dear God!!!

LEO: Yes?

VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.

LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is
best?

SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the low-life
scum don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop
exaggerating.

CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely
on anyone else!

AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!

PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the
stimulation for Thy glory.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 5/24/97    
[from Fred Carlin, via HAND!]
      A man went to his priest and said he wanted to contribute to the bulding of a Protestant
Church to which a friend of his belonged. His priest said: "Well, a Catholic really shouldn't
contribute to the building of a Protestant Church." The man looked rather dejected and the
priested asked, "Tell me, what is going to happen to the _old_ church?" The man replied: "Well,
it's going to be torn down and then the new church will be built on the same site." The priest then
said to the man,"Well, the tearing down of the existing church will cost money and there's no 
prohibition against a Catholic's contributing to the _destruction_ of a Protestant Church- so, you
can certainly contribute to the _first_ phase of the project with an absolutely clear conscience."

And that's precisely what the man did.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]
Linguistic Lunacy 


Harlez-vous francais? (Can you drive a French motorcycle?) 
Idios amigos. (We're wild and crazy guys.) 
Veni, VIPi, Vici. (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered.) 
J'y suis, J'y pestes. (I can stay for the weekend.) 
Cogito Eggo Sum. (I think, therefore I am a waffle.) 
Rigor Morris. (The cat is dead.) 
Repondez s'il vous plaid. (Honk if you're Scots.) 
Que sera, serf. (Life is feudal.) 
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. (The King is dead. No kidding.) 
Posh mortem. (Death styles of the rich and famous.) 
Pro Bozo publico. (Support your local clown.) 
Mon age a trois. (I am three years old.) 
Felix Navidad. (Our cat has a boat.) 
Haste cuisine. (Fast French food.) 
Veni vidi vice. (I came, I saw, I partied.) 
Quip pro quo. (A fast retort.) 
Aloha oy! (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never 
know.) 
Mazel ton. (Lots of luck.) 
Apres Moe, le deluge. (Larry and Curly get wet.) 
Porte Kochere. (Sacramental wine.) 
Ich liebe rich. (I'm really crazy about having dough.) 
VISA la France. (Don't leave the chateau without it.) 
Ca va sans dirt. (And that's not gossip.) 
Merci rien. (Thanks for nothin'.) 
Amicus puriae. (Platonic friend.) 
L'etat c'est moo. (I"m bossy around here.) 
L'etat, c'est Moe. (All the world's a stooge.) 
Fui generis. (What's mine is mine.)
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 5/25/97    
[from David Danforth, via REHU]
St. Peter and Jesus went to Elma meadows to play a round of golf. They were both doing fairly
well except for the 5th hole. The way it's set up is the fairway curves around a lake so you have to
hit the ball on 1 side and then you can hit the green. So Peter hits it over on the side and Jesus
came to the tee. Peter said "Jesus this happens every time we golf here, you have to hit it over
there be the edge of the water and then you can hit the green". Hey, I know what I'm doing, Jesus
said, last year Tiger Woods made the green from the tee so can I! OK, but you'll never make it.
Jesus hits it and sure enough it lands in the water. Jesus walks on to the water and gets the ball,
and goes to hit the tee shot again. I'm telling you Jesus you can't make the green on the tee shot!
Hey, If Tiger Woods can do it I can do it! So he hits it again, and sure enough it lands in the
water, Jesus walks on to the water and gets the ball. Well by then the next group caught up to
them and saw Jesus out on the water, "Who does he think he is Jesus?" they say. St. Peter replies
"No, the sad thing is he thinks he's Tiger Woods"!!!!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Jesus at the Pearly Gates

One day Jesus was staffing the Pearly Gates for St. Peter when a soul 
arrived:

Jesus to man: Welcome. It is our custom to ask new arrivals if there is any 
unfinished business on earth they would like to see completed before 
entering into heaven.

Man: Well actually there is. You see, a number of years ago I was separated 
from my son and I hear different stories but I don't know for sure exactly 
what happened to him.

Jesus: Well it shouldn't be too hard to find out. Let's start with your 
name.

Man: Well, I was named after Jacob's son Joseph.

Jesus: Hm, Well OK. Where did you live?

Man: In a small fishing village near the Mediterranean Sea. 
Jesus: Hmm. And your occupation?

Man: Why, I was a carpenter.

Jesus: Hmmm. Anything special you can tell me about your son? 
Man: Oh, yes. My son was very special. God himself gave him life. There 
never has been nor will there ever be another like him.

Jesus: Wait! You're the carpenter Joseph from a fishing village with a very 
special son?

Man: Yes, that's right.

Jesus: Oh my, my. Why your MY father. (Throwing his arms around the man) 
Oh, father, father.

Man: (Tearfully embracing Jesus) Oh, my son, my son, my long lost son, 
Pinochio! Pinochio!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 5/26/97    
[from EcuLaugh]
The confirmation class at our church has just completed their year's work,
and we (the Elders) met with them yesterday to evaluate and pass on their
being confirmed as members of the church.  The pastor indicated that one of
their last activities was going around to all the stained glass windows of
the church and talk about the Biblical stories depicted there.  I asked him
if one of the windows had a picture of Martin Luther nailing his theses to
the Wittenberg church door.  Puzzled, he asked, "No, why?"  "Because", I
replied, "then you would have an example of Windows 95."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Tom Lewis]
The next Windows release is scheduled for the year 2003. It will be called  Windows 3 .. of
course the bug fix release will be called Windows 3.1
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Rainier United Methodist Church Home Page]

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know: 

   * $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

   * $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax

   * $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul 

   * $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast

   * 00666 - Zip code of the Beast

   * 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only 
     $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

   * Route 666 - Highway of the Beast

   * 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

   * 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

   * 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 
     minimum deposit.


   * i66686 - CPU of the Beast

   * 666i - BMW of the Beast

   * DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 

   * 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

   * a+rw - The file permissions of the Beast
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from  John Hedtke, via HAND!]
       BEASTLY REFERENCES

  666                             -Dewey call number of the beast

  HL666                           -LC call number of the beast

  666@hell.org                    -E-mail of the beast

  http://666.hell.org/~beast      -Home page of the beast

  666 666 666 6666                -Visa Number of the Beast
                                  (It's everywhere he wants to be)

  6/66                            -Expiration date (the card, not him)

  66.6 C                          -Temperature of the beast

  "Hell" v.6 n.66, pp. 6-66       -Citation of the beast

  Hell in A Major (op.66, no.6)   -Etude of the Beast

  6,6,6                 -exact fertilizer needed to make the Beast bloom

  1666                            -The Beast "redecorates" London
                                  (The year of the great fire of London)

  thickth, thickth, thickth  - Cindy Brady (with lithp) referring to the Beast

  666 6th AVE #666                -Mailing address of the Beast

  666                             -Exact number of licks it takes to get to
                                    the Tootsie Roll Center of the Beast

  666                        The number that all VCR clocks flash in HELL

  6.66%                      % of fat of "lean" Beast prior to cooking
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 5/27/97    
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough,
out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."
The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked. 

The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive
DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. 

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. 

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. 

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his
feet.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. 

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to
donate a kidney...."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from John Hanscom, via REHU]
      An engaged couple go to their priest to plan their wedding.  The 
priest asks,  "Do you wish me to perform the contemporary service or the 
traditional service?"  The couple agree that they prefer the contemporary service.
       On the day of the wedding there is a tremendous thunder storm.  The
groom is running a bit late as he cannot find a parking place close to the
church.  Finally, he decides to park in the midst of a large puddle.  He
pulls his pant legs up and tiptoes through the water.  Upon entering the
church he is immediately ushered to the front and finds himself standing 
next to the priest.
       Just as the bride is beginning to walk down the aisle the priest 
leans over and says,  "Son, you need to pull your pants down."  The young groom is
quite flustered by the request and leans over to the priest and says,
 "Excuse me father, but I've changed my mind, I think we would prefer the
traditional service!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from "Just Too Funny"]
A bus driver went to a church for the first time and sat in the first row.  After his sermon, the
pastor went to the man and asked him why he sat in the front row alone.  "Well," the driver said,
"I just sat up here to see what you did to make everyone move to the back."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 5/28/97    
[from "Just Too Funny"]
Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill.  After awhile, they rose to leave and
told her; "We will keep you in our prayers."  "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing
woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
I don't mind those who are born again, just as long as they don't think that they get twice as many
rights.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from EcuLaugh]
    A man sat between a rabbi and a Protestant minister at a banquet. He said "I feel like I am
between the Old and the New testamemt."
    The rabbi replied "That page is usually blank."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Nov/Dec "Reminisce" magazine]
Occupational Hymns

      Astronaut - "Nearer My God, to Thee" 
      Baker - "I Need Thee Every Hour" 
      Baseball batter - "Seek Thee First" 
      Builder - "How Firm a Foundation" 
      Canoeist - "Flow River, Flow" 
      Dentist - "Crown Him with Many Crowns" 
      Electrician - "O Joyful Light" 
      Fisherman - "Shall We Gather at the River?" 
      Gossip - "It Is No Secret" 
      IRS or (Revenue Canada)- "All to Thee" (I Owe) 
      Jogger - "The Path of Life" 
      Lifeguard - "Come to the Water" 
      Sailboater - "Deep River" 
      Stonecutter - "Rock of Ages" 
      Watchman - "Silent Night" 
      Weatherman - "There Shall Be Showers of Blessings" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from John Hanscom, via REHU]
HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR PREACHER...
   1. Look him straight in the eye and say "Amen" once in awhile. He'll
preach himself to death within a few weeks.
   2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to 
death.
   3. Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages
for so long he'll eat himself to death.
   4. Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. 
He'll probably die of heart failure.
   5. Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become
so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 5/29/97    
[from John Hanscom, via REHU]
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else
shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.  -- Steven
Wright
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from "Just Too Funny"]
After a pastor's wife took her overworked husband to the family physician, the physician took the
wife aside and whispered:  "I don't like the way your husband looks."  "I don't either," she replied,
"but he's always been a good father to the children."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
(From the "Just 4 Laughs" e-mail list, via "Wit & Wisdom")

DEFINITIONS OF BASIC COOKING TERMS

TONGUE: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the
line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

YOGURT: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly 
the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
 
RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog
won't eat.
 
PORRIDGE: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children
were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation
of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
 
PREHEAT: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put
in, as well as when it is removed.

OVEN: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.

MICROWAVE OVEN: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.
 
CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
food.
 
ARAB COFFEE: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny
cups at gunpoint.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 5/30/97    
[From: mark@freenet.uwm.edu (Mark Hopkins)]
'THE UNTOLD TRUTH ABOUT CREATION'

(Originally meant to answer the question of why the speed of light is 
finite).

Actually, light speed is infinite. No matter how fast you move to catch up 
to it, it's still infinite. However, God made a mistake when He let light 
come into being, ended up being about 10% off in His calculations, like any 
good engineer ought to be, and lo and behold infinity accidentally turned 
out to be 186,282 miles per second. And so 186,282 miles per second is 
actually an infinite speed. To cover up His tracks, He forced motion to 
exist in such a way that no matter who measured the distance, X, traversed 
by the moving object, and the time, T, the object took to move that 
distance, the result would always be that X^2 - (c T)^2 would come out the 
same, where c is light speed. Later on, when He brought planets and stars 
into being and created gravity and inertia, He had to make a few 
adjustments to account for acceleration and the inflience of gravity. It 
was really a mess. He decided that as long as He was at it, He might as 
well just simply equate one second to 186.282 times the square root of -1 
miles, and then He could explain His mistake by saying "It's the 
Pythagorean Theorem now, see?", and so it was that Complex Numbers were 
invented along with their first Physical embodiment.

This is apparently not the only time He botched things up. The first time 
He said "Let there be Life" He ended up getting these real tiny slimy 
things, like pond scum, and they infested the water. Once the deed was 
done, it was too late. So in order to cover His tracks, He decided, like 
any good engineer, just to tinker about for a while making a few changes 
here and there until He worked His way up to humans. Well anyway, in the 
Specs, He originally estimated that He could fix the problems in a few 
days, and really it only seemed like a few days passed (it's always like 
that when you get into heavy projects), but it took a while longer. 
Nevertheless, here we are. Since nobody else was around He decided to tell 
a little fib, exaggerate a little (after all, it SEEMED like only a day or 
two and who was going to argue with Him), and proclaim that Creation lasted 
a mere week. The problem is that He didn't cover up His tracks too well, 
ended up leaving some of the remains of His prior work lying about, and to 
this day keeps trying to sneak in changes while we're not looking. Anyhow, 
He's been getting tired of playing the Life game, and so decided to teach 
us how to do it, retire and let us take on the task.

There was another time when He screwed up. When God made Math, He forgot to 
finish the job. You see, He made the apparatus of arithmetic and the theory 
of recursive functions so powerful that the very logic used to prop up 
these edifices could be mirrored faithfully by arithmetic computations and 
functions within. Unfortunately, around this time, one of His assistants (I 
won't name any names here) got the idea to stick in a math problem that 
mirrored the statement, "This statement can't be proven true", and made it 
impossible for God to finish His job. Anyhow, God was in the process of 
enumerating all the logically possible computations arbitrarily judging 
them to be true or false (and in His Divine Wisdom always doing it 
consistently). When He ran into this little gem, literally, all hell broke 
loose. He tried to fix it by changing the Axioms around, adding a few here, 
taking away a few, and the same problem kept coming up. And so it was that 
at the same time, Hell came into being and the first Persian Flaw too. 

Another case: Christian legend has it that almost 2000 years ago, He was 
experimenting with the idea of Divine Infusion and ended up accidentally 
cramming the entirety of His Infinite Presence into a finite, mortal body 
for about 30 years. The Universe had to be run on autopilot in the 
intervening period. It's a good thing it only happened here on Earth, Lord 
only knows what manner of chaos would ensue were He to have pulled off that 
same stunt on each of the other billion some-odd alien worlds out there for 
30 years apiece. He wouldn't even have any time left to take care of all 
those God-like things, He's supposed to do. To this day, scientists cannot 
explain how it was accomplished...
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 5/31/97    
[From Philip R. Cooke, via EcuLaugh]

An organist-choir master had a brilliant tenor, Felix, who would only 
show up to church half of the time. He repeatedly emphasized to Felix 
that he needed him to be in church each Sunday, but Felix still was a 
part time church goer.  Finally, the frustrated choir master presented 
his attendance problem to the rector and the rector said that he would 
speak to Felix.

Rector:Felix, Why is that you only come to church every other Sunday.  We 
sure miss your singing when you're not here.

Felix: Father, Do you respect the authority of the great church father, 
St. Augustine?

Rector:Well yes, I sure do!

Felix:St. Augustine said, "The person who sings, prays twice."  So, I 
figure that I only have to come to church half as much as the rest and 
still have the same tally in total prayers.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
RELIGION AS BASEBALL

- Calvinists believe the game is fixed. 

- Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper. 

- Quakers won't swing. 

- Unitarians can catch anything. 

- Amish walk a lot. 

- Pagans sacrifice. 

- Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often. 

- Televangelists get caught stealing. 

- Episcopalians pass the plate. 

- Evangelicals make effective pitches. 

- Fundamentalists balk. 

- Mormons are in left field. 

- Dunkers are down by three. 

- Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch. 

- Atheists refuse to have an Umpire. 

- Baptists want to play hardball. 

- Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness. 

- The Pope claims never to have committed an error. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
