HUMOR8 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at	CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 6/1/97	
[From EcuLaugh]

A new pastor out of seminary gave his first sermon to the congregation.  It
was a great sermon on how we as Christians should help the homeless.  After
the sermon the congregation said how great is was.  The next week he gave the
exact same sermon.  The elders thought, well he is new maybe he didn't have
the time to prepare another sermon.  When the pastor gave the same sermon on
the third week, the session called an emergency session meeting and asked the
pastor if he had any other sermons.  

    Pastor responded that he had a whole file of other sermons.  He was
waiting for the congregation to act on the homeless one first.   
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from a post to ProperTalk]
A Roman Catholic, a Baptist and an Episcopalian arrived at the gates of
heaven at the *exact* same moment. Now, it is a little understood provision
 of heaven that in such circumstances, only one person may be admitted (this
 horrible theology is needed to make to joke work and so we will allow it to
 pass without comment). St. Peter explained to the three that Jesus Himself
 would interview them and determine which was to enter His Father's house.
 
 A moment later, there was a sound of trumpets and the voices of the Heavenly
 Hosts sang forth, and out of a bright light walked Jesus. He apologized to
 each of the three men for the situation and said that it was His intention to
 make this interview as brief as possible. 
 
 Turning first to the Catholic, He said "Who do you say that I am?"
 
 The Catholic paused a moment and then said "Well, the Pope says...."
 
 Jesus interupted him. "No. No. Who do *you* say that I am?"
 
 "Vatican II said..."
 
 "That's not what I am asking." Jesus said. And turning to the Baptist He
 said, "Who do you say that I am?"
 
 The Baptist thought a moment and said "The Bible teaches us that..."
 
 Jesus broke in and said, "No. I want to know who *you* say that I am!"
 
 The Baptist began again, "In the Letter to the Romans..."
 
 Giving up, Jesus turned to the Episcopalian and said, "Well, who do you say
 that I am?"
 
 The Episcopalian said, "You are the Son of God, the Word made Flesh, the
 Savior of the World."
 
 Obviously impressed, Jesus said, "Very good."
 
 The Episcopalian responded, "On the other hand...."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 6/2/97	
[posted by Nancy M. Piatkowski on Rehu.  Also sent in or posted by Juanice Myers and Sharon Martin.]

Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  1,331:
        1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
          list that the light bulb has been changed
       14 to share similar experiences of changing light
          bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
          changed differently.
        7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
       27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
          changing light bulbs.
       53 to flame the spell checkers
      156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
          the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
          to this mail list.
       41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
      109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
          to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
      203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
          alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
          light bulbs be stopped.
      111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
          are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
          **are** relevant to this mail list.
      306 to debate which method of changing light
          bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
          what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
          and what brands are faulty.
       27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
          different light bulbs
       14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
          to post corrected URLs.
        3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
          are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
          relevant to this list.
       33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
          them including all headers and footers, and then
          add "Me Too."
       12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
          because they cannot handle the light bulb
          controversey.
       19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
        4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
        1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
       47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
          was meant for, leave it here.
      143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 6/3/97	
[From: "Frank Morris (Frank's Daily Chuckles)"]
 
There's a new sect just for the New Agers.  It's called "Jehovah's Bystanders".  That's a Witness who doesn't want to get involved.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Newspaper announcement, from Roland Wiederaenders   Clifton TX , on EcuLaugh]
The Easter Sunday sunrise service will be conducted by a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
They keep telling me to back up my files, but I can't find reverse on this thing.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[by John Kanary, from "A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul"]

Charlie Boswell has always been one of my heroes.  He has inspired me and thousands of others to rise above circumstances and live our true passion.  Charlie was blinded during World War II while rescuing his friend from a tank that was under fire.  He was a great athlete before his accident and in a testimony to his talent and determination he decided to try a brand new sport, a sport he never imagined playing, even with his eyesight.... GOLF!

Through determination and a deep love for the game he became the National Blind Golf Champion!  He won that honor 13 times.  One of his heroes was the great golfer Ben Hogan, so it truly was an honor for Charlie to win the Ben Hogan Award in 1958.

Upon meeting Ben Hogan, Charlie was awestruck and stated that he had one wish and it was to have one round of golf with the great Ben Hogan.

Mr. Hogan agreed that playing a round together would be an honor for him as well, as he had heard about all of Charlie's accomplishments and truly admired his skills.

"Would you like to play for money, Mr. Hogan?" blurted out Charlie.

"I can't play you for money, it wouldn't be fair!" said Mr. Hogan.

"Aw, come on, Mr. Hogan - $1000 per hole!"

"I can't, what would people think of me, taking advantage of you and your circumstance," replied the sighted golfer.

"Chicken, Mr. Hogan?"

"Okay," blurted a frustrated Hogan, "but I am going to play my best!"

"I wouldn't expect anything else," said the confident Boswell.

"You're on Mr. Boswell, you name the time and the place!"

A very self-assured Boswell responded "10 o'clock ... TONIGHT!"
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**** Wed 6/4/97	
[from The Thaxtons, via Tom Lewis]

I'm Stuck with the Kids - A frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

{This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.}

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.  Thank you.  I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years.  They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) know something about them and what to expect over the next year.  You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate
the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant. Ask her!  I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns.  While she has not had formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of other subjects you can name.  Taxes should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.  While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense Funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy.  While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt
it best to occasionally remind he of the virtures of abstinence and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always  uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in  the future.  May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had  a rather good handle on the problem. 

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes are a little close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first.  In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.  He and his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is purple.  Permanent dye, temporary dye,  what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it.  You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.  This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.  DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10 going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive, so the schools dropped it.  Good News!  You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!  It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.  She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.  I don't. The school  sends her to a speech pathologist
who has her roll her Rs.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure that you can handle it.  Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take.  I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free!  If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.  If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.  Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob
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**** Thu 6/5/97	
[from http://members.aol.com/Grayjackl/index.html]
PREACHING OFF THE CUFF
President Lyndon B Johnson used to tell a story  about a preacher back home in Texas who dropped his notes one day as he was leaving for church, and his dog jumped on them and tore them up. When the preacher stepped into the pulpit, he apologized to his congregation: "I am very sorry that I have no sermon today. I will just have to speak as the Lord directs.  But - I will try to do better next Sunday.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from john hanscom, on REHU]
 Did you hear they came out with a fat free communion waffer?
 They're marketing it as "I Can't Believe It's Really Jesus?"

This reminded me of a REAL conversation with a friend of mine, a Roman Catholic (actually Jesuit, even some in the Latin Church debate the Jesuits) priest named Fr. Jim Laudwein (last name probably misspelled, it is the Latin, fittingly enough, for -- loosely --"Praise the Wine").  

We were discussing the Eucharist, and had covered the two topics in the title [Transubstantiation, Consubstantiation], plus Imputation, plus Real Presence, plus Memorial, plus etc.  

Suddenly Jim held up a communion wafer, and announced that it was far easier for him to believe that it, when consecrated, was "the Body and Blood of Christ" than for him to believe, under any circumstances, that it was "Bread."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by john hanscom, on REHU]
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible: Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: 

"You, Moses, heed me !  I have good news, and bad news."

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If  Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 6/6/97	
[from EcuLaugh]

    One man after reading the 10 commandments sighed: "Well, at least I never made any graven images."
+---------------------------------+
[from  Just Too Funny , and Tom Bombadil]
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.  Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.  Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,  "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.  I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em 
torturing this chick.  Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.  As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron.  Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!  You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!  Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really?  When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[Courtesy of Paul Harmon from Albany, Oregon]
Dirty Water

My sister decided it was time that her three sons get baptised. So, after  weeks of suitable instruction one bright Sunday morning they were on their  way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, would have their sins  washed away. The 9 year old was particularly pensive that day, and when  Ruth Ann asked him what he was thinking about, his reply was in the form of  a question.

"Mom, I want to go first."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't want to be baptised in water that has all of my brother's  sins floating around in it."

They were baptised in birth order. Come to think of it, the oldest one was always my favorite nephew...
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 6/7/97	
[from EcuLaugh]

    Some kids were playing a game where the biggest liar won a dalmation teenie beanie. An adult came by and criticised them saying "You kids should not play a game that forces you to break the ten commandments. I never break the ten commandments!"

    The kids looked at each other and gave him the teenie beanie, "You win."
+---------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]

Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule
violations, so they decided to start a business together. They
travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened
up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she
was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached
out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was
quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to
believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The
woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone
in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of
town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered
outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding
that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the
townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the
friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed
her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a
plant had swallowed her baby.

The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral
shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the
friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the
people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the
floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no
use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They
again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling
and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town.
But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and
began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the
friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately
packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be
heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 6/8/97	
[from EcuLaugh]

 A PRAYER FOR THE DAY

 Dear God, so far today, I've done all right.
 I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
 I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and
 I'm really glad of that!

 But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out
 of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to
 need a lot of help.

 Thank you!   Amen
+---------------------------------+
[from Rainier United Methodist Church Home Page]

Noah's Excuses For Not Completing His Ark On Time

And the Lord said unto Noah: 'Where is the ark which I have commanded thee  to build?'

And Noah said unto the Lord, 'Verily, I have had three carpenters off  ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down---yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do O'Lord?' 

And God said unto Noah: 'I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.'

And Noah said: 'It will be so.' And it was not so.

And the Lord said unto Noah: 'What seemeth to be the trouble this time?' 

And Noah said unto the Lord: 'Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thous commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord, I am undone. '

And the Lord grew angry and said: 'And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed upon the face of the earth?'

And Noah said: 'They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday.

And the Lord said: 'How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven?'

And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: 'Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.' 

And the Lord in his wisdom said: 'Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?' 

And the Lord grew angry.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 6/9/97	
[from Amy]
Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?  [Part 3]

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?  He's into that kind of thing, you know.

Groucho Marx: Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776.  But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice to do so* There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.

James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...

James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its race.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!  (sing that one)
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 6/10/97	
[from Lin Robin]
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. Yep, she has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads:
	Super California Mystic
	    Expert Halitosis
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
 Please, God,  the man prayed,  you know me.  I m always praying to you, and yet I have had nothing but misery, bad luck, and despair.  Look at the butcher next door.  He s never prayed in his life, and he has nothing but prosperity, health, and joy.  How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and the butcher next door is doing so well? 

A voice boomed from beyond,  Because the butcher doesn t bug me, that s why! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
There are a lot of things to be said in favor of religion.   For instance, priests have the lowest divorce rate!
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
I know somebody who is so religious, he wears stained-glass contacts.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
The pastor was lecturing to his audience that Jezebel was more to be pitied than censured, and we should pray for her.  One listener shouted out,  I ve been praying for her for years, but I never got her! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Lee, via EcuLaugh]

There were three men fishing out in the middle of a lake one spring afternoon when they noticed a man walking slowly across the water towards their boat. Upon reaching them he asked the first fisherman "my friend, do you know who I am!" the fisherman replied "yes, you must surely be Jesus Himself!" 

"yes", Jesus said "and by your faith your broken leg is healed, go forth into the town 
and spread the Good News!"   He then walked across the water to the second man and asked again "my friend, do you know who I am?" The fisherman answered "Yes you can be none other than Christ Jesus!" Jesus said "and by your faith and trust your bad back is healed!, swim ashore and tell all the world of the good fortune your love and faith has brought you".  Jesus then walked to the third fisherman and asked once more "my friend, do you know who I am?"

"NO" answered the fisherman, "and don't you dare touch me, I'm on full disability"!! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 6/11/97	
[by Helen Mellincost, via Leo Schulten.  NOT a joke.]
I was regretting the past and fearing the future.  Suddenly God was speaking--    "My name is I am."

 I waited - - - - - God continued:

 "When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard.  I am not there.  My name is not I was."

 "When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard.   I am not there.  My name is not I will be."

 "When you live in this moment, it is not hard.  I am here.  My name is I am."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
"If you want to follow Jesus, you better look good on wood.   -- D. Berrigan
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from http://members.aol.com/Grayjackl/index.html]

A PRAYER FOR THE CHRONOLOGICALLY ENHANCED

"Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older...Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.  Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs.  Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy.  With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from EcuLaugh]
    One time a proud Bostonian was talking about how he was going to go to Mt. Sinai and stand where Moses received the ten commandments.

    Mark Twain interupted him and said: "Why don't you just stay in Boston and keep them?"
+---------------------------------+
[from John Hanscom, via http://members.aol.com/Grayjackl/index.html]

It has been conclusively determined that Jesus was a Democrat. 

How do we know?  Can you envision him riding into Jerusalem on an elephant? 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Dickibus, via  Just Too Funny ]
One Sunday, the pastor preached on the topic of "How to Have a Good Christian Marriage". He said that there were three all important keys.
	1) You have to remember to say "I'm sorry"
	2) You have to remember to say "I Love You"
	3) You have to promise that you will never do it (whatever it is/was)  again

After church a man arrived home and his wife asked what the sermon was about. The man said, "I'm sorry I love you, and I promise never to do it again."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 6/12/97	
[from Leo Schulten]
A grasshopper walks into a bar, orders a beer and strikes up a conversation with the bartender.  After a while, the bartender says to this customer, "Say, did you know we have a drink here named after you?" 

The grasshopper looks a little disconcerted for a couple of seconds then says:  "You have a drink named Robert?? 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from EcuLaugh]
   DAD: "Son don't you know what happens to you when you break one of the ten commandments?"

    SON: "Sure. You have nine left."
+---------------------------------+
SIGNS IN FRONT OF CHURCHES

[from DeAunn Davis]

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
	+----------------+
[from Jerolyn Baldwin, via  Wit & Wisdom ]

When down in the mouth, remember Jonah.  He came out alright.

Fight truth decay. . .study the Bible daily.

Where will you be sitting in eternity?  Smoking or non-smoking?

Come, work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours long and the pay
is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

I was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me.

Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

This is a ch__ch.  What is missing?

It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

K-mart is not the only saving place.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.  Talk to the Shepherd.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 6/13/97	
[From Dave Gowan, via HAND!]

 Problems in Project Management:
 Why the military services have trouble communicating

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather
together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps,
and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble
communicating with each other.  He begins by saying that their first
project task is to "secure" a certain building, and asks each of them
to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management
plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
 Tell those swabs to:
 -- Unplug the coffeepots
 -- Turn off the computers
 -- Turn out the lights
 -- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
 -- Assemble the company
 -- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
 -- Take control of all exits
 -- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
 -- Assemble the platoon and supplies
 -- Approach the building along three axes
 -- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
 -- Assault the building under covering fire
 -- Sequester surviving prisoners
 -- Establish lanes of fire
 -- Prepare artillery calls
 -- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
 -- Contact real estate agent
 -- Negotiate 1-year lease
 -- Be sure to get option to buy
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 6/14/97	
[from EcuLaugh]

Question: Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son Issac when he was 12 years old?

Answer: If he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.
+---------------------------------+
Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?  [Part 4]
[from Swedie, on REHU]
Jean-Paul Sartre: because there was NO EXIT.

[from Johnette Stone, via Tom Lewis]
William Faulkner:  The chicken, weighed down by the burden of a thousand 
chickens before her who in the swirling dust of the lightbespeckled dusk 
of far fields in the long gone time of Gettysburg and Cold Harbor and 
Vicksburg, picked her way through the brown and muddy road as she sought 
to relive the faded glory and dying dreams of Grandmother--Grandmother 
whose eggs were sacrificed in one swirling raid upon the General's tent 
one crisp October morning because Jeb Stuart was lacking coffee.

F. Scott Fiztgerald:  The chicken stood at the side of the road, intent 
upon the green light glowing at day's end.

Flannery O'Connor:  The chicken, tail feathers spread, crossed the road 
seeking the face of God.

Joseph Heller:  The chicken had to cross because not crossing meant he 
would die, a victim Milo's black market.  Of course, crossing meant he 
would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by.  So he could have crossed and 
died. Or he could have stayed put and died.  Those were his only choices, 
so he had to cross.  Or not cross.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from David Simmons, via REHU]
A Baptist minister and an Episcopal priest died and arrived at St. 
Peter's gate at the same time.  A big "Excuse our mess while we remodel" 
sign was hanging on the holy portal, and St. Peter greeted them gravely.  
"I'm sorry folks", intoned St. Peter, "But we're all out of room and the 
workers are behind on the new wing.  You'll have to spend a few days in 
Hell before it opens".  Well, they weren't too happy about it, but after 
all, the Priest beleived that Jesus had spent three days in hell, and the 
Baptist was from Detroit. (Sorry, Michiganders!)

Well, a day had passed, and St. Peter was busy doing some routine 
bookkeeping when there was a loud "Poof" and a smell of brimstone.  Satan 
stood before him, seething.  "Well, what can I do for you, Prince 'O 
'Lies?" asked St. Peter.  "You can take those two ministers out of my 
domain", said the adversary. (Would that be a top-level .hel?) "Why?  
What's the problem?", asked Peter.  "They're WAY too active!  They've 
only been there a day, but the Baptist has already converted 20,000 and 
the Episcopalian has installed air conditioning!!!!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 6/15/97	
[NOT a joke: from the book  Aotearoa Psalms: Prayers of a New People" by Joy Cowley]

"The Bridge"

There are times in life
when we are called to be bridges,
not a great monument spanning a distance
and carrying loads of heavy traffic,
but a simple bridge to help one person from here to there over
some difficulty
such as pain, grief, fear, loneliness,
a bridge which opens the way
for ongoing journey.

When I become a bridge for another.
I bring upon myself a blessing,
for I escape from the small prison of self
and exist for a wider world,
breaking out to be a larger being
who can enter anothers pain
and rejoice in another's triumph.

I know of only one greater blessing
in this life, and that is,
to allow someone else
to be a bridge for me.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Lawrence Wong]
St. Peter halted a man at the entrance of heaven.

"You have told too many lies to be permitted here," he said.

"Have a heart, St. Peter," replied the man. "Remember you were once a
fisherman yourself."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from EcuLaugh]
A little kitty cat died and went to heaven.   When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there.  St. Peter welcomed the little kitty cat and said, "you were such a nice little cat, while on earth, that we would like to make your life as comfortable as we can, here in heaven."  St. Peter asked the cat, "what would make you comfortable and happy, while you are here in heaven?"    The little kitty cat said, "oh, it would be so nice if I could have my own couch to lay on."  St. Peter said that he would see that the kitty cat got a couch.  St. Peter asked the cat if there was anything else he might like.   The kitty cat said, "It sure would be nice to have a television."  St. Peter said, "Yes, you may have a  television."    St. Peter told the cat to : "Go down the hall and take the first left."

Later that day, a nice little family of mice died, and they too went to heaven.  When they arrived, St. Peter complimented them on their sojurn on Earth and told them what a nice family of mice they had been.  St. Peter asked them what they would like to make their lives more comfortable in
heaven.  They all spoke up and said, "Oh, we would like some roller skates !"

"Roller skates?" said St. Peter.    

"Oh yes, our little legs are so tired from running away from cats.  May we have roller skates while we are in heaven?"   St. peter said, "Certainly.   Just go down the hall and take the second left."

A few days later, St. Peter was wandering around the kingdom, when he ran across the little kitty cat.   He asked the cat how everything was going for him.   The little kitty cat said, "Everything is wonderful !   I can lay on the couch all day long and no one shoves me off, and the television is so
clear and sharp.   And St. Peter, you really out did yourself !"

"What do you mean?" asked St. Peter.   

"Wow!  Those meals on wheels were delicious."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 6/16/97	
Three missionaries working in different parts of the world came together one year to compare notes.

 I ve converted seventy-five percent of my tribe s members,  bragged the first one,  and in addition to those saved souls, we ve also built a church and a schoolhouse. 

The second missionary was not to be outdone.   In my area, I ve converted ninety percent of the natives,  he said,  and in addition we ve built a church, a schoolhouse, and a hospital. 

Then they turned to the third missionary.   Aren t you in an area of cannibals?  he was asked.   Have you persuaded them to give it up? 

 Well, it s a long process,  said the third missionary slowly.  Then he brightened.   But I have gotten them to use knives and forks! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Maureen Jais-Mick, via REHU]
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device (BOOK)
  
  It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.  It's so easy to use even a child can operate it.  Just lift its cover. Compact and  portable, it can be used anywhere --even sitting in an armchair by the  fire-- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
  
  Here's how it works:  Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of  information.  These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device  called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  By using  both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your  brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
  
  The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The  "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move  forward or backward as you wish.  Most come with an "index" feature, which  pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant  retrieval.
  
  An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact  place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been  closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark  can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
  
  Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the  future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in  popularity of its programming tool,  Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic  Intercommunication Language Stylus...
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 6/17/97	
[forwarded by BJ Birdie, on REHU]
Cross Bred Dogs

 Pointer + Setter
        Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

  Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
        Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

  Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
        Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

  Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
        Peekasso, an abstract dog

  Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
        Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

  Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
        Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

  Newfoundland + Basset Hound
        Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

  Terrier + Bulldog
        Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

  Bloodhound + Labrador
        Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

  Malamute + Pointer
        Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

  Collie + Malamute
        Commute, a dog that travels to work

  Deerhound + Terrier
        Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

  Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
        Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

  Bull Terrier + Shitzu
        Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[added by Paul Littlefield, on REHU]
Dachsund + Terrier
	Dachter, a good pet for physicians
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 6/18/97	
[from Harold W. Bretz, via "Holy Humor", page 106]

A cake decorator in New Zealand was asked to inscribe 1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear" - on a wedding cake.  The decorator misread the verse, and when the cake arrived at the wedding reception, it was discovered that John 4:18 was inscribed on the cake - "For thou hast had five husbands, and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded to REHU by Curtis Martin]
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing.  Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.  Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
 
 Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.  Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
 
 The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap.  But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.  As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish
in its claws.  The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
 
 Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Tom Bombadil.  NOT a joke.]

The Trouble Tree
   (Author: Unknown)

      The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just
finished a rough first day on the job.  A flat tire made him lose an hour of
work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to
start.  While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.  On arriving, he
invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he
paused briefly at a small tree,  touching the tips of the branches with both
hands.
       When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His
tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and
gave his wife a kiss.  Afterward he walked me to the car.  We passed the
tree and my curiosity got the better of me.  I asked him about what I had
seen him do earlier.
      "Oh, that's my trouble tree", he replied.  "I know I can't help having
troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the
house with my wife and the children.  So I just hang them up on the tree
every night when I come home.  Then in the
morning I pick them up again."
    "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick em
up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before".
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 6/19/97	
The Lord loveth a cheerful giver.  He also accepteth from the grouch.

It s church budget season - time for the Sermon on the Amount.

A lot of people are willing to give God credit, but so few ever give Him cash.

If God is your copilot, trade places.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from  Walt Groff, via Wit & Wisdom]
Three little boys were talking and one boy said:  "My father is the most
important man in the world because he owns the bank!"  The second boy
said:  "No, my dad is the most important man in the world because he
owns a candy store."  The third little boy said:  "My dad is the most
important man in the world because he owns hell."  The other two boys
replied:  "Just because your dad is a minister doesn't mean that he owns
hell."  "Yes he does," replied the third boy, "I heard him tell mommy
last night that the church board gave it to him!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Richard Lewis, P.E., via HAND!]

  An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
  his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the
  wrong place."

  So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
  in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
  they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the
  engineer is a pretty popular guy.

  One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
  "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
  and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
  engineer is going to come up with next."

  God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
  should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

  Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
  I'm keeping him."

  God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
  are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 6/20/97	
    Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

    I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

    When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
A non-Jew was walking down the street on a sunny day in September when he saw a crowd of people standing outside a building.  It was the Jewish New Year, and the building was a synagogue.

When he came nearer, the man saw that everyone was dressed in his or her finest clothing.  Intrigued, he wandered into the building.

There, he was met by the rabbi, who looked splendid dressed in white and gold.   What kind of a show do you have here?  asked the passerby.   Is it good? 

 It should be,  answered the rabbi.   It has been running for nearly six thousand years. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
In the old country, there was a rabbi who traveled from village to village.  In each town he would hold services, and then stay for several hours while the congregation offered him their simple fare and asked questions.

The rabbi s means of transportation was a horse cart, driven by a sturdy, kindly fellow who admired the rabbi greatly.  On every visit, after services, while the rabbi was being surrounded by the congregants, the driver would sit by patiently in the synagogue and listen.

After many years, the driver felt bold enough to ask the rabbi to grant one request.  Just once, he d like to feel the thrill of adulation.  Wouldn t the rabbi trade places with him just once.
The rabbi wanted to please his loyal driver and granted the request.

The next day, the pair visited a new town.  The rabbi and driver exchanged garments.  The rabbi quietly sat in the corner of the synagogue while the crowd gathered around the driver to feed him handsomely, and ask him questions.  The driver handled the services and the questions very well for he had listened to his beloved rabbi for many years and he was entirely familiar with the stock questions.

Suddenly, a student arose and posed a complicated philosophical problem.  The townsfolk turned to the driver, expecting a profound reply.  But the driver knew he was stumped.

He hesitated for just a moment, and then he scoffed,  Young man, I am amazed that you should ask such a simple question.  Why, even my driver, who is not well-versed in the Talmud, can answer that.  And just to show you, we ll ask him! 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 6/21/97	
[from EcuLaugh]
A long-time United Methodist stood up at a small luncheon and proudly
proclaimed, "I was born a Methodist, I retired as a Methodist, and they'll
bury me a Methodist." As he sat down, a Presbyterian minister quickly stood
up and said in a Scottish accent,  "Hoot, man, have you got no ambition?" 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from Walt - who seeks ecumenism through sports, via REHU]

Did you hear that the first Jewish endurance race was getting ready to
be run? They'll circle the track quietly for six days, then on the seventh,
all of them will blow their horns. Move over, 24 Hours of LeMans, here come
the 7 Days of Jericho.

If this works, the NHRA is going to start a new race in South Florida
called the Hebrew Nationals.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
Orating on hell-fire, the minister vividly described the sufferings of the damned.  The congregation sat in rapt attention as he eloquently described Dante s inferno.  At the climax of his sermon, he quoted from the gospel:

 On that day, there will be a weeping and a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. 

In the silence a toothless old lady stood up from one of the pews at the back and shouted,  But some of us have no teeth. 

 On that day,  the minister roared,  teeth will be provided. 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[NOT a joke: by Thich Nhat Hanh, in  _Teachings on Love._ Parallax Press, pub date July 30, 1977.  ms pg 85.]
        "In 1966, a woman poet took me to the Atlanta Airport and then asked, 'Is it all right to hug a Buddhist monk?'  In my country, we wre not used to expressing ourselves that way, but I thought, 'I am a Zen teacher. It should be no problem for me to do that.' So I said, 'Why not?'  and she hugged me, But I was quite stiff. While on the plane, I decided that if I wanted to work with friends in the West, I would have to learn the culture of the West, so I invented hugging meditation.
        Hugging meditation is a combination of East and West. According to the practice, you have to really hug the person you are hugging. You ahve to make him or her very real in your arms, not just for the sake of appearances, patting him on the back to pretend you are there, but breathing consciously and hugging with all your body, spirit, and heart.  Hugging meditation is a practice of mindfullness.  "Breathing in, I know my dear one is in my arms, alive.  Breathing out, she is so precious to me.' If you breathe deeply like that, holding the person you love, the energy of care, love and mindfulness will penetrate into that person and she will be nourished and bloom like a flower."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 6/22/97	
[From Zac Meyer, via EcuLaugh]

     A British bishop was talking with a class of small boys and wanted to
impress them with the importance of prayer and religious conviction.  He
said, "There was once a dormitory for seven boys.  When lights-out time
came, six boys stayed in bed, but one boy got out of bed, knelt down, and
said his prayers.  Now boys, can you think of anything braver than that?" 
"Oh, yes, sir," a member of the class said.  "You can?" said the bishop, a
bit taken aback.  "Well, tell us about it.  "It's this way," the boy said. 
" There was a dormitory with seven bishops in it.  When the lights went
out, six bishops got out of bed, knelt down, and said their prayers, but
one bishop stayed in bed."
+------------------------------------------+
[On 6/2/97, we had the Top Ten Reasons to Join the Choir.  Rosaleen suggests some more...]

MORE REASONS PEOPLE SING IN A CHOIR

The chairs in the choir loft are the most comfortable in the sanctuary

Free Parking!

You've quit smoking and want to find how how you sound.

You can sleep during the sermons without the preacher knowing,

There's always a chance that the soloist will choke on a chicken bone,  and you'll  FINALLY get to sing "Climb Every Mountain" the way YOU want to - as a Polka!

A guaranteed seat on Holydays
Nobody yells "SHUT UP!" after you've sung, like they do everywhere else.

One night a week you get to listen to a nagging choir director instead of a nagging husband/wife.

Better than singing in the shower because you don't get soap in your  eyes

You don't have to look at the Minister during the sermon.

To exercise controll over a group of humans by insisting it be sung the way Dr. So and So taught you back when....

To convince oneself that others sing even worse
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 6/23/97	
[from David & Virginia, via HAND! and "Wit & Wisdom"]

Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business.  These policies
are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:

LODGING:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while
on business.  If weather permits, public areas such as parks should
be used as temporary lodging sites.  Bus terminals, train stations
and office lobbies may also provide shelter in periods of inclement
weather.

TRANSPORTATION:
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial
transport.  Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees
prior to their departure on such travel.  Airline tickets will only
be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be
used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower
fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit
will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum.  It
should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as
Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Costco Club stores
often provide free samples of promotional items.  Entire meals can be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at
their destination.  If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should
utilize all you can eat salad bars.  This is especially effective for
employees traveling together - as one plate can be used to feed the
entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food
on official travel.  Cans of tuna, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed
at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly
preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS:
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an
effort to save our budget dollars.  One enterprising individual has
already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover
period, which could be used to defray expenses.  In support of this
idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers
with their luggage.  Small plastic roses and ball point pens will
also be made available to employees so that sales may be made, as
time permits. 
+------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 6/24/97	
    He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

    She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

    You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be
    misquoted, then used against you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.
+------------------------------------------+
[From Bill Edwards's Humor list at the Univ. of GA., forwarded by Grady on REHU]
  A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
  to inscribe on his tombstone,  "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a
  lawyer."  The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
  confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried
  under the stone.  However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe,
  "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."  That way, whenever
  anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to
  remark: "That's Strange!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[From  Frank Kearney, via EcuLaugh]

John Buchanan, Moderator of the 208th General Assembly of the Presbyterian
Church (USA,) told this joke to the General Assembly Council earlier this
year.

An Elder of the Presbyterian Church (USA) died and, with all the confidence
of one of the chosen, approached the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter nodded to her
and asked if he could be of service to her.  "Oh, yes," she replied, "I'd
like to enter and receive my reward of eternal life in heaven." St.  Peter
smiled gently and asked, "Tell me something about yourself." "Oh, for one
thing," she replied, "I've been a life-long Presbyterian and for many years
I served the church as an Elder." St.  Peter buried his head in the papers
on his desk and muttered, "Please take the elevator on the left and press
the down button." Somewhat dismayed, the Elder stepped back, turned and
walked onto the elevator.  When it stopped and the doors opened, she could
feel the heat and smell the burning sulfur.  As she stepped out she could
see off to the side two very large and substantial wooden chairs that
almost, but not quite, resembled thrones.  As she approached them she
recognized Martin Luther sitting in one chair and John Calvin sitting in
the other.  Bewildered, she looked from one to the other and asked Martin
Luther, "I don't understand.  What are you doing here?" Luther frowned and
nodded to John Calvin and said gruffly, "Ask him." She stepped toward John
Calvin and said, "Dr. Calvin, what does all this mean?  Why are you here?
Please tell me. . .." John Calvin looked at her dourly and answered in a
monotone, "Works count."
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 6/25/97	
[from Jeannette]

If there is no god, who pops up the next Kleenex? 

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 

How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

Do Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

What does Geranamo say when he jumps out of a plane?
+------------------------------------------+
[from  Joke A Day e-mail list, via Wit & Wisdom]
An interoffice softball game was held every year behind the marketing and support staff of one company.  The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.  To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

  "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.  The Support Department,  however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game." 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[from David Kimpler]
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning
service.  After the benediction he had planned to call the couple
down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.  For
the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to
be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he
requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 6/26/97	
Last month we had a set of "Beastly References".  Here are some additions that were sent in by various people:

 * 6.6.6 - Release Version of the Beast
 * 66666-6666 - 9 digit zipcode of the Beast
 * Windows 95.666 - Windows version of the Beast
 * DCLXVI - the Roman Beast
 * Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
 * 0.666 - Number of the millibeast
 * 1010011010 - the binary number of the Beast
 * 666 mg - recommended daily requirement of the Beast
 * 1-666 - Area Code of the Beast
 * 666-66-6666 - The Social Security number of the Beast
 * 6/6/66 -  The birthdate of the Beast
 * 6666  -   The PIN of the Beast
 * 25.806975 -  The square root of the Beast
 * 665.999 - Approximate number of the Beast 
 * 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast 
 * / 666 - Beast Common Denominator 
 * 666 ^^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast 
 * 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast 
 * Route 666 - Highway of the Beast 
 * 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 
 * Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast 
 * Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast 
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
  It gets foggy out there sometimes, but God is still in charge.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[From  Bobholl, via HAND!]

A young boy came to Sunday School late.   His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.   The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.   The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
+------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews e-mail list, via  Wit & Wisdom ]
  Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to
their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His
friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about
their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when
you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
  The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for
you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is
sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got
some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball
in heaven."   "What's the bad news?"   "The bad news is that you're
pitching on Wednesday."  
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 6/27/97	
[From Rod Stafford, via EcuLaugh]

It seems that one Sunday the Sermon topic was how wonderful Heaven must
be.  At the end of the Sermon the Priest asked for anyone who wanted to
go to Heaven to stand up and shout 'Alellulia!'

Well, everyone in the Church stood up except this one gentleman in the
back pew.  After the service the Priest took this man aside and inquired
as to why he did not want to go to Heaven.  The man quickly corrected
the Priest saying that he certainly did want to go to Heaven, but that
he thought the Priest was just taking a load in for the day and he had a
golf tee off time that afternoon.
+------------------------------------------+
[From  PASTORWEIM, via HAND!]

Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.

"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00.  While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungie jumping and I felt it would be nice to fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."

Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."  

Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped.   As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts.  Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!"   The deacons reached out for him but missed.  Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, and screams arose.   As Pasor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.  When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "Guys, what is a Pinata"?
+------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 6/28/97	
[poem by Robert Frost]
Forgive, O Lord
My little jokes on Thee,
And I ll forgive
Thy great big one on me.
+------------------------------------------+
[From  IMC72786, via HAND!]

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. 

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us!  We gained 4 new familes." 

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that!  We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that!  We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
+------------------------------------------+
Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested,  This isn t a man s job. 

 Oh yes, it is,  his wife retorted, quoting 2 Kings 21:13:  I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down. 
+------------------------------------------+
It s hard for churches in Arizona to motivate people with thoughts of the hereafter.  It s so beautiful in the winter that Heaven has no attraction.  And in the summer it s so hot that Hell doesn t scare anybody.
+------------------------------------------+
Top Ten Pick-up Lines at a Singles Church

10.  Hi, is this pew taken?
 9.  My prayers are answered.
 8.  What's a charismatic like you doing in a mainline place like this?
 7.  How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?
 6.  Hi, angel!
 5.  Don't worry, I'm attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.
 4.  I'm Episcopalian.  What's your sign?
 3.  I think you're sitting on my Bible.
 2.  Read any good Bible passages lately?
 1.  So, worship here often?
+------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 6/29/97	
[From  Gmassive, via HAND!]

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.  They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free, " Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to.  They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.  "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?  This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.  This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.  Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.  If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
+------------------------------------------+
The Perfect Pastor [a chain letter]

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect pastor preaches exactly 15 minutes.  S/He condemns sin but never upsets anyone.  S/He works from 8 am until midnight and is also a janitor.  S/He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.  S/He is 28 years old and has been preaching 30 years.  S/He has a burning desire to work with teen-agers and spends all of his/her time with senior citizens.  The perfect pastor smiles all the time with a straight face because s/he has a sense of humor that keeps him/her seriously dedicated to his/her work.  S/He makes 15 calls daily on parish families, shut-ins, and the hospitalized.  S/He spends all of his/her time evangelizing the unchurched and is always in his/her office when needed.  If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other parishes that are tired of their pastor, too.  Then bundle up your pastor and send him/her to the church at the top of the list.  In one week, you will receive 1,643 pastors and one of them should be perfect.  Have faith in this letter.  One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three weeks.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 6/30/97	
"How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew", by David M. Bader (Avon Books, ISBN 0-380-77599-9, $9.00 US/$11.00 Canada). Available in bookstores everywhere, or order online with a discount from Amazon.com Books.  Main website: http://www.extremely.com/
+--------------------------------------+
Excerpts

"He who gives a coin to the poor is rewarded with six blessings, but he who makes a pledge to charity receives a free tote bag." 
               The Extremely Reform Talmud

"Thou shalt not stand outside the synagogue on the High Holy Days scalping thy tickets to the services." 
               The Extremely Reform Ethics of the Fathers

"Among the beasts of the field, ye shall not eat of them that are shown mating on The Discovery Channel." 
               The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"They shall beat their swords into ploughshares, And their spears into pruninghooks, And nation shall not lift up sword against nation, But instead shall clobber one another with ploughshares and pruninghooks." 
               The Extremely Reform Prophecy of Isaiah 

"If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, send me a note or a reminder or something."
               The Extremely Reform Book of Psalms

"And God said unto Moses: 'You shall instruct thy people, "Do not mix meat with milk.  Do not place a non-recyclable product in a recycling receptacle.  Pile your newspapers, magazines, and flattened cardboard boxes in a big bundle, tied with string.  Never put an old car battery out with the garbage."'"
               The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"And God said unto Moses: 'Let thy people build me a sanctuary, that I might dwell amongst them.  And make sure it has a lounge and a community center, that I might have a place to schmooze.  Also, an indoor swimming pool might be nice.'"
               The Extremely Reform Book of Exodus

"And you shall celebrate the New Year in the Seventh Month of the Year, and you shall not find this confusing, and it shall be a day of rest, except that you shall repeatedly blow the ram's horn until you cause an animal stampede."
               The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"Thy God shall be my God and thy people shall be my people.  And thy people on the coast shall be my people on the coast.  And thy people shall call my people and we'll do lunch.  Ciao!"
               The Extremely Reform Book of Ruth

"And God said, 'It is not good that Adam should be alone.  I will make a helpmeet for him.'  And God took a rib from Adam while he slept.  And God said unto Adam, 'Behold, I have made for you a WASP named Katherine.'  And they were both naked, man and wife, and were not ashamed, for they had not either of them any parent threatening to disown them."
               The Extremely Reform Book of Genesis

"Our sins are grievous and the God of Israel is wroth against us.  The great Jewish delicatessens goeth downhill and are frequented not by the old regulars.  The Catskills lie forsaken and desolate, except for 'singles weekends' at the Concord, which the Almighty findeth disgusting.  The people shunneth or eateth most sparingly of the Hebrew National Salami, for, speaking candidly, who needs all that fat and sodium?  The old dwelling places of the Lower East Side of New York are become the habitation of bizarre performance artists, yet South Beach in Miami hath gotten too trendy to retire to and play shuffleboard.  And people wonder why I'm depressed."
               The Extremely Reform Lamentations of Jeremiah

[Enough already.  Go get a copy of the book!!!!]
+--------------------------------------+
