HUMOR9 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at	CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 7/1/97	
Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thou bless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
+--------------------------------------+
A keynote speaker at a convention of priests came to the podium, shuffled his notes, scanned his audience, amd said, thoughfully:  Where to begin?  Where to begin? 

A voice in the crowd yelled:  As close to the end as possible. 
+------------------------------------------+
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens!  Have we come to this?" said the woman.  "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.
+--------------------------------------+
When the Bishop of Chester, England, declared that there should be a religious message on Christmas stamps, "Punch" magazine suggested "Lord *deliver* us" as an appropriate message.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dickibus, via "Just Too Funny"
I SHOT A QUERY INTO THE NET

I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;

A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, "Please
Don't send such drivel overseas";

A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;

One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each "Subject" line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 7/2/97	
[from Mark, via REHU]
What did Moses say to the children of Israel after bringing the tablets down from the mountain?

"No, you can't wait until it comes out in paperback."
+------------------------------------------+
I stopped going to bars because......
	... Every time I went there they asked for money.
	... The bartender was the only one who spoke to me.
	... Some of the people who go there are hypocrites.
	... They don t sing the kind of songs I like.
	... My dad made me go with him when I was a kid.
	... You don t have to go to bars to be inebriated.
+------------------------------------------+
[From Rev. Michael A. Weber, Montrose NY, via EcuLaugh]

A local congregation wanted to build a new sanctuary.  They didn't have
much money, but one of the members was a successful contractor.  The
contractor offered not only to build the sanctuary, but also to pay for
it so long as the board agreed to two conditions: 1) the contractor
could build it any way he sought fit and 2) no one would be permitted
into the building until the day of dedication.

After much discussion, the board agreed to his conditions.

As the work progressed, everyone could see that the contractor was doing
a fine job, but since he wouldn't let anyone into the building, they
were all eager for the day of dedication. 

The day finally arrived, and as the first few people walked into the
sanctuary, they could see that the contractor had used only the best
materials. However there was something peculiar about the sanctuary--it
only had one row of pews at the very back of the church. 

The early comers realized that they had better act fast, if they were
going to get a seat.  But when they sat down, the contractor walked over
to a control panel and pushed a button.  Slowly and gracefully the row
of pews moved all the way to the front of the church and another row of
pews popped up at the back, ready for the next worshipper.

Well, you can imagine that the preacher was very excited, not only to
have a new sanctuary but also to have all the members right up front
where he could see them.  But in his enthusiasm he got a little long
winded and so after 30 minutes of sermonizing the contractor walked back
to the control panel, pushed another button and the pulpit slowly
descended into the floor.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 7/3/97	
"I guess, therefore I might be." -- Werner Heisenberg
+------------------------------------------+
Metaphors be with you!
+------------------------------------------+
[from Rev. Charles B. Hastie]
A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit."  After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem.  I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."

After the second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next six months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.  Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.
+------------------------------------------+
[from Jeris Bragan]
An old, retired professor of church history at Yale was on his death bed.  Waiting relatives anxiously gathered around him.

After a time of silence one man quietly said: "I think he's gone."

Another relative, standing at the end of the bed, felt the old man's feet and said, "No, his feet are still warm.  No one ever dies with warm feet."

The eyes of the old professor blinked open.  He raised his head up from the bed and looked around at his family.  "Joan of Arc did!" he whispered.  He gave a little chuckle and died.
+------------------------------------------+
The Top Ten Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn

10. The pot roast.
 9. What does pastor were under robes?
 8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
 7. 90 minutes until kickoff.
 6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
 5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
 4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
 3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
 2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
 1. How many more verses?
+------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 7/4/97	
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]
A minister, preaching a sermon on the dangers of compromise, was condemning
the attitude of so many Christians who believe certain things very strongly
concerning their faith; but in actual practice will say, "Yes, but ...".

Almost at the end of the sermon, he said, "Yes, my friends, there are
thousands upon thousands of Christians who are sliding directly to Hell on
their 'buts' ".

The congregation went into gales of laughter, whereupon the red-faced
minister promptly closed the sermon with a benediction.
+--------------------------------------+
The following two jokes remind me of a song I used to hear on the Country & Western stations a couple of decades ago: "Dropkick Me Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life"....
+--------------------------------------+
Reasons I Stopped Attending Football Games

1.  Every time I went, they asked me for money.
2.  The people sitting next to me  didn't seem very friendly.
3.  The seats were too hard.
4.  The coach never came to call on me.
5.  The referee made a decision I disagreed with.
6.  I was sitting with hypocrites - they came only to see what others were wearing.
7.  Some of the games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
8.  The band played songs I didn't like.
9.  The games were scheduled when I wanted to do other things.
10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
11. Since I read a book about football, I know more than the coaches, anyhow.
12. I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.
+------------------------------------------+
Football Religion:

Bench warmer: An inactive church member.

Quarterback sneak: Sunday school teachers entering the church building five minutes after Sunday school begins.

Fumble: A lousy sermon.

Halftime:  The Choir Anthem/Offertory
Two-minute warning: The chairman of the board sitting in a front-row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.

Illegal motion: Leaving before the benediction.

Blocking: Standing inside the church door complaining to the pastor about the sermon.

Extra point: What you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 7/5/97	
[from Tom Bombadil]

A neighbor asks to borrow Nasruddin's donkey. Mulla explains to him
that he already lent it to his brother.  As the neighbor is leaving,
he hears the donkey braying in Mulla's backyard. So he goes back and
bangs on Nasrudin's door again, and Nasrudin again tells him the same
thing. The man, quite indignant, says, "but I hear your donkey in the
back yard." Nasrudin, equally indignant, replies to the man, "Who are
you going to believe, me or the donkey?"  
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dave Simmons, on REHU]

My stepfather, who was a church organist for various denominations for 
years told me a story about a mixup in the bulletin one Sunday.  The 
choir was very amused to read that due to a secretarial error, the anthem 
they were now singing was entitled "Surely He Hath Worn our Briefs".

What would be the theological ramifications of that?  Are the briefs 
simply a metaphorical staetment to the effect of "Walking a mile in 
another man's shoes"?

If you take it literally, it could lead to a Roman doctrine of 
transundification, that when a priest performs a mass, his underwear 
become the ACTUAL underwear of Christ, and is only an accident that they 
retain the hearts, moons, pink clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, 
etc. of the original garment.  How would you dispose of them?  The 
traditional means of disposing of additional hosts would be undesirable 
(and not very tasty), and the aumbry would fill up pretty fast, 
especially if it didn't have a hanging rack....

Now the Lutherans would say that it is instead conundification, that the 
presence of Christ resides around, outside and inside the aforementioned 
garments, but that gets a LITTLE graphic....

Anabaptists would say that it is but a memorial, that we wear briefs only 
in memory of those originals.  All those who wear boxers would obviously 
be heathen and unsaved.

And where does this leave us with women's issues?  Panties are not 
mentioned in the bible, and the twelve disciples certainly never wore 
them (that we know of, but there is that thorn in the side of Paul, 
Hmmm).  Obviously this inferrs that women are not to wear them at all!!!

I guess we Anglicans would maintain that a real presence exists in the 
undies, but that we refuse to define how.  (Maybe we would be better off 
that way.  Thank God for the Via Media!!!!)
+------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 7/6/97	
(From the Baptist New Mexican via "Funny Pages Mailing List", via "Wit & Wisdom")
A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when some calamity would come his way.  One day a friend said to him, "I've something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase.  I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell."    

"It might be worse," said the preacher.  

"Man alive, how could it be worse?"   

"It might be true." 
+------------------------------------------+
Eager to improve his sermons, a young pastor bought a tape recorder and recorded one of his Sunday morning services.  After dinner, he put the cassette in the recorder, sat on the sofa, and listened to the tape.

The opening prayer, scripture readings, and hymns came forth nicely.  Then came the sermon.

When he awoke some time later, the choir was singing the closing hymn.
+------------------------------------------+
Noah lived for 950 years.  He built an Ark, but it took him a hundred years.  Apparently it was a government contract.

950 years old.  How does that work?  Do you look like you re 100 for 850 years?  Or do you look like you re 50 at 500?

Do you go through a series of mid-life crises, or just the big one at 400?  You known wearing gold chains and driving a sports chariot, carrying on with a 200 year old blonde?

(I can hear the neighbors now:  She s young enough to be your great-great-granddaughter! )

Can you imagine Noah at 400 having a mid-life crisis discussion with his wife? 	

 You know, honey, I just want to do something different with my life. 

 But, dear, you talk to God. 

 Yeah, but so does Pat Robertson.  I mean something really different. 

 Well, you can always finish that boat. 

 Get off my back! 

And what do you say to a guy who s 950 years old?   Noah, man, you look great!  Don t look a day over 800!  It s that fat-free diet, right? 

And what do you say at his funeral?   Finally! 
+------------------------------------------+
**** Mon 7/7/97	
Sign on a restroom stall door, Trinity College library, Dublin:

 This is a new door.  The previous door, due to its literary capacity having been reached, was designated ISBN 0-37-078945-A and taken away for binding.  It will shortly be published in paperback. 
+------------------------------------------+
[From Earl and Judy Pike, via EcuLaugh]

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."  Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!" 

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?" 

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you." 
+------------------------------------------+
[NOT really a joke.  By Saskia Davis]

SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.

A loss of interest in judging other people.

A loss of interest in judging self.

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

A loss of the ability to worry.

Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

Frequent attacks of smiling.

An increasing tendency to let things happen.

An increased susceptibility to LOVE extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Tue 7/8/97	
[From H. R. Stockert, via EcuLaugh]

FLEECEM, FLEECEM & RUNNE 
Solicitors 
Lugdinium-on-Thames, Sussex 
England 0M0 J0J 
  
Dies Quadragesimo 
Anno Trigesimo AOC 
(Ab Orbe Condito)
  
  
SHUSTER, SHYSTER, SUSHI AND POLLOCK, ATTORNEYS 
3rd Arch Along 
Limepit Viaduct 
Ur-of-the-Chaldees
Re: Creation Contract 

Sumer                                                  Bio-Tech Labs, Inc. 
                                                        Project ADAM & EVE
                                                                 
Gentlemen: 

Concerning the matter of the lawsuit demanding specific performance in
reference to the contract specifying Mammalia of the Higher Order, Genus
Homo, Species Sapiens sapiens: 

We concede the facts of the case:  i.e.,  that the original models were
lacking in a design specific (navels),  but we wish to point out that in the
progeny of the self-replicating models we sent you for delivery to the
Garden of Eden the design specific (navels) are, indeed, present. We
discussed the matter at the time with your client, GOD, and have an
annotated design alteration accepting the change to permit a reduced cost
for the production of the prototype and the navel function to be produced in
the  self-replicated models of second, third and future generation. This
permitted the significant reduction in the developmental costs of 
the original prototypes and reduced the time necessary for beta-testing and
for program debugging. 
 
We categorically reject the charge that program deficiency was  the cause of
the fiasco in the Garden vis-a-vis the serpent inter alia,  and hold, on the
contrary that it was a consequence of operator error,  in that the operator
deliberately  and of His own free will  chose  to present  TWO  acceptable
alternatives  to  the  prototypes,  quite contrary to the specific
injunction prohibiting that on page MCDLIX of the Operator's guide.  We
refer you to that section.  (Kindly note the disclaimer in the footnote at
the bottom.) 

We reject (and are prepared to defend against in court) your  charge that
the navel is non-functional. We agreed to your client's proposal to provide
the switching module for insertion at that location. He has failed to
provide the module, and we had no option but to deliver the prototypes "as
is" with no further provision for the switching. 

We had at that time proffered to your client, GOD, a design for a switching
mechanism which would provide the following functions: (a) an on/off toggle
switch,  (b) a volume control,  c a cyclic damper to control the rate of
response to stimulus,  (d) a pain/pleasure center for use as a behavioral
modification device, and (e) a rheostat to provide a user-friendly control
to adjust gratitude levels to optimal circumstantial requirements.  We
offered this at a price we considered more than fair, and invested heavily
in terms of finance and research capability.  While we accept the right of
your client to have made other arrangements,  we DO think a kind word of
thanks for our pains might have been in order,  and that to find ourselves
now blamed for a choice wholly within the scope of your own client's scope
is going just a bit too far.  It begins to verge on the sleazy. 

Might we suggest a meeting at,  say,  Tanis-on-the-Nile?  Or, perhaps,
Edessa (we find that a bit more convenient...travelling North in Mesopotamia
is considerably easier than moving West across the Wilderness of Sin. We are
more than willing to reach an accommodation that is fair both to your client
and ours,  considering the exorbitant costs of trials in the Courts of
Sumer, and the notable eccentricities of His Majesty (glory to his name),
Hammurabi (blessings be upon his name) in matters such as this.  We shall
await an early and (we hope)  favorable and affirmative reply to our
suggestion. 

                    Sincerely, 

 
 
                    Ken I. Runne, partner 
                    FLEECEM, FLEECEM & RUNNE 
                    Attorneys 

OER/CC/ENCLOSURES (12) 
+------------------------------------------+
**** Wed 7/9/97	
Woman to pastor:  You don t know how much your sermons have meant to my husband since he lost his mind. 
+------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Reverend Orme, via REHU]

There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large,  well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many  years and was steeped in wisom. The young priest was very full of  himself. having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary he was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit. Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in the world that I could, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for and then be able to preach a sermon." The senior priest decided to put his young charge to the test. "Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit." The young priest looked forward to the test with relish. The day came. He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation. The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
+------------------------------------------+
[reply to above, from Swedie]
"For my sighing comes as my bread, and my groanings are poured out like
water."
	Job 3:24

"The crowd standing by heard it and said that it had thundered."
	John (appropriately) 12:29
+------------------------------------------+
[reply to above, from Ted]
"For we have great joy and consolation in thy love, because the bowels of the
saints are refreshed by thee, brother." Philemon 1:7 (KJV)

"But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and
shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God
in him?"  1 John 3:17

"Yet his meat in his bowels is turned, it is the gall of asps within him."
Job 20:14 (KJV)

"My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me." Job
30:27 (KJV)

"And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy
belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen."
Numbers 5:22 (KJV)
+------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 7/10/97	
[from Tom Bombadil]

A monk bragged to Nasruddin: "I am so detached, you see, that I never
think of myself, only of others." The Mulla replied: "Well, I am so
objective that I can look at myself as if I were another person; so I
can afford to think of myself."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Hal Stein, via HAND!]

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why?!  I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs benedict."  His order comes a while later
and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.  He asks the waiter,
"Whats with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate
like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.  So... the one
flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the
worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets
da woim."

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each
other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 7/11/97	
A paramedic was asked:  What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call? 

 Recently, we got a call from a church.  A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead.  The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing. 

 What was so unusual and demanding about that call? 

 Well, we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead. 
+------------------------------------------+
 Religion will disappear.  -- Karl Marx

 Karl Marx has disappeared.  -- God
+------------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

Mulla Nasrudin used to stand in the street begging on market-days,
only to be pointed out as an idiot.  People would bring their friends
and say, "Watch this:" and then offer the Mulla a choice or a
large-valued or a smaller-valued coin.  Without fail, Mulla would each
time chose the smaller-valued piece.  He would comment how much
shinier it was, or how beautiful was its color.  Even rich school
children would bring their schoolmates after school and perform this
trick and laugh at the Mulla.  

One day a monk happened to be walking through town and saw this
happening. Now the monk knew what a spiritual man Nasrudin was, and so
he became angry at the way such a wise, kind man like the Mulla was
being exploited for his lack of worldly knowledge. "Mulla," the monk
explained, "you should take coin of greater monetary value, regardless
of its shininess, color, or other superficial quality.  For you will
thus possess more money to spend on other things, and people will no
longer be able to make a laughing-stock of you."

"Oh kind and compassionate monk," replied Nasrudin with a grin,
"things are seldom just as they appear.  You see, old friend, were I
to accept the larger of the coins, people would stop offering me money
to prove that I am more idiotic than they are.  I would cease to
puzzle them so, and be considered to be just another bothersome fool
looking for pity.  And then I would have very little money at all."

[There is a Zen saying along these lines as well:  "If you aim
directly at the target, you will surely miss."]
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 7/12/97	
more from 
"How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew", by David M. Bader (Avon Books, ISBN
0-380-77599-9, $9.00 US/$11.00 Canada). Available in bookstores everywhere,
or order online with a discount from Amazon.com Books. Also available by
phone or mail. U.S. Orders: Dial 1(800)223-0690 and press "4." International
Orders: (201)967-5810

Main website: http://www.extremely.com/
+--------------------------------------+

Extremely Reform Diaspora Travel Tips
(Hassle-Free ways to be a Migrant People)

RULE 1
        Learn an easily transportable trade (e.g. moneylender, hairstylist, persecution consultant)

RULE 2
        Sew name tags into all your yarmulkes

RULE 3
        Travel light.  The following basic items may be all you need:
* Toothbrush
* Change of underwear
* Drip-dry prayer shawl
* Torah scroll (with Itty Bitty Book light)
* Toilet paper (if fleeing to Eastern Europe)

RULE 4
        Save your receipts.  You may qualify for the "International Social Pariah Tax Credit."
+--------------------------+

Diaspora: a Greek term meaning "migration to countries where everyone hates you"

THE TALMUD

While some Jews ran for their lives, others stayed in the Holy Land and wrote a comprehensive code of Jewish law, the Talmud.  This task took centuries, hindered by persecution, writer's cramp, and a running debate over whether the Talmud should prohibit snacks between meals.

Why did generations of Jewish scholars consecrate their lives to Talmudic study?  Possibly, the endorsements.  ("A long day of circular reasoning can give a great sage a terrible headache.  That's why Rabbi Joshua gives his blessing to Talmudic Strength Excedrin.")  It took rabbis 300 years to compile the Jerusalem Talmud and 200 more to finish the Babylonian Talmud.  Extremely Reform rabbis have spent the last thousand years trying to sell the movie rights.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 7/13/97	
[from Troy Church of the Brethren, via EcuLaugh]

A potentially dangerous situation has developed in the church sanctuary.  The pews, which are as old as the church, have begun to dry out.  This loss of moisture, and the subsequent loss of weight, has led to the distinct possibility that they might float free. 
 
This presents the possibility that during worship, a free-floating pew could damage a member or guest.  Further, it is believed that even if a member or a guest were able successfully to dodge an oncoming free-floating pew, the evasive action would certainly disrupt the spiritual tranquility of the worshiping dodger. 
 
The problem was brought before a committee in the latter part of last year. The committee first considered using steel cables to anchor the pews to bedrock, which is 247 feet beneath the church.  After receiving the cost estimate of $14,912.77 and extensive consultations with engineers, this idea was abandoned. The committee, after deliberating, deciding that adding weight to the pews would be a better solution to the problem.  The committee considered using brass scrap or lead ingots but they proved to be too expensive.  Pig iron was found to be cheaper, but it, like brass and lead, had a certain lifeless quality.  The committee searched for a medium density object which was both sparkling and vibrant. 
 
After sifting through all of the possibilities, the committee has opted to use warm bodies to weigh down the pews, and the committee is asking the membership to provide the necessary weight.  This can be done by coming to church and, if possible, by bringing a medium density object (in the form of a friend or neighbor) with you. 
+------------------------------------------------+ 
[from  Rev. Andrew T. Gerns, via EcuLaugh]

               10 More Ways To Know You're in The *WRONG* Church

10. Gun rack in the church van
9. Church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor 
8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Suess version
7. ATM in the lobby
6. Choir wears leather robes
5. Services are BYOS: Bring Your Own Snake!
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two drink mimimum
3. Karaoke worship time
2. Ushers ask, smoking or non-smoking
1. The only song the organist knows is 'Inna-gadda-da-vida'
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 7/14/97	
[from John Ramsey, via EcuLaugh]

Two men with the same name lived near each other in the same town.  
One was a pastor, the other a salesman.  One day, the salesman left on a
trip to Florida, and the pastor died on the same day.  When the salesman 
arrived in Florida, he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had 
arrived safely.  By mistake, the telegram was delivered to the pastor's
wife.

 The telegram said "Arrived safely.  Heat here is awful."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Ron Veenker, on REHU]

 AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH

 Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced
 as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert,
 outside of Ares Vallis on Friday.  Appearing at a press conference
 today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in
 fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien
 spacecraft".

 The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby
 Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily
 Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which
 allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times
  before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien
 gases".  Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the
 Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

 General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a
 detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant
 fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas.  But the
 general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation
 of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly"
 nature of the crash debris.  Conspiracy theorists have condemned
 Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government
 cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 7/15/97	
    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

    Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

    Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
+--------------------------------------+
[From Charles L. Trotter, via EcuLaugh]

Joe Smith died and found himself at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter greeted him with a hearty greeting and welcomed him to Heaven, saying, "Welcome.  You are qualified to come in.  An angel will take you to your Heavenly abode."

Joe entered the gates and he and the angel started walking on a pathway which took them past some of the most beautiful mansions Joe had ever seen.  They took his breath away.  After a while, Joe began to see that the mansions were growing smaller and smaller.  Pretty soon, the dwellings became ordinary houses, and then little shacks.  Finally, at the end of the path, the angel walked up to a one room, cardboard box-like structure which had straw on the floor over the bare ground, and said to Joe, "This is your home for eternity."  Joe was speechless for a minute, and then said, "But it can't be!  What happened to the beautiful mansions?"  The angel replied, "I'm sorry that you don't like your accommodations, but this is all we could build with the materials you sent ahead of your arrival."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Lobster]

Koan:  "How Many Buddhists Does It Take to Screw In A Light Bulb?"

Reply 1. No one will ever know.  To a Buddhist there is always plenty of light, the light bulb is only an illusion, as is the fact that the old one burned out, and they have no *desire* to change anything.

Reply 2. One is the answer. And quick, so he'll have time to do more things for the benefit of all living beings.

Reply 3. In  this case we'll never know. It's Karma that caused it to blow, and one shouldn't interfere with Karma

Reply 4.   The Light Bulb Sutra;    Of course, in reality the lightbulb is devoid of inherent existence, there is no changing of the lightbulb, and no-one who changes it, yet through inaction nothing remains undone.  The lightbulb does not intend to shine, nor does the Changer of the Bulb
intend to change it.  To have the goal of changing the bulb ensures that one will never achieve it. Only by non-intention can the goal, which is a non-goal, be achieved. Yet nothing whatsoever is achieved;  this is why it is called Supreme Achievement.  It is only this:  to unscrew one bulb and screw in another. How ordinary!  How miraculous!  The lightbulb was never extinguished. You are already in a state of light, and have only to realise it--
+---------------------------+
**** Wed 7/16/97	
and even more from 
"How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew", by David M. Bader (Avon Books, ISBN
0-380-77599-9, $9.00 US/$11.00 Canada). Available in bookstores everywhere,
or order online with a discount from Amazon.com Books. Also available by
phone or mail. U.S. Orders: Dial 1(800)223-0690 and press "4." International
Orders: (201)967-5810

Main website: http://www.extremely.com/
[because I *REALLY* like this book!!!!!]
+--------------------------------------+
Exodus Timeline

Birth of Moses.  Infant Moses is hidden in bulrushes, found and raised by royal family.

Birth of Shirley MacLaine (in a previous life).

Moses slays a cruel Egyptian slavemaster.  Flees country after being profiled on "Egypt's Most Wanted."

Working as shepherd in desert, Moses sees burning bush and interprets divine message: Breed flame-retardant sheep.

God tells Moses, "You cannot see My face, for man cannot see Me and live."  Moses gathers that God looks like a blind date he once had.

Hoping to free the Jews, Moses tries to frighten Pharaoh by performing magic and miracles with shepherd's staff.  Pharaoh is unmoved.

Moses calls a shepherd's staff meeting.  Moses' Vice President for Signs and Wonders and his Administrative Assistant for Plague Implementation make strong presentations.

Plagues ensue.  In case death of Egyptian first-born doesn't persuade Pharaoh, Moses has backup plan: spontaneous combustion of second-born.

Pharaoh is convinced.  Tells Israelites to depart by 11 am, so rooms can be readied for afternoon slave arrivals.

Pharaoh changes mind and chases Israelites to Red Sea.  Ignores metro traffic report: "Red Sea is closing in, with both lanes coming to a complete halt and massive drowning likely."

Egyptian chariots become tangled in beach towels and volleyball nets and are unable to escape total destruction.
+------------------------------------------------+
**** Thu 7/17/97	
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    Change is inevitable.  Except from a vending machine.
+------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]
             Postmaster General Warning...

The Postmaster General released a warning last Wednesday concerning a
matter of major importance to anyone who ever uses the USPS.  Apparently,
a new paper virus has been engineered by someone at Dartmouth that is
unparalleled in its destructive capability.

What makes this virus so terrifying, said the U.S. Postal Service, is
the fact that no genetic material needs to be exchanged for someone new
to be infected.  It can be spread through the existing mail systems of
the world.  Once a person is infected, one of several things can
happen.  If the person has a sex drive, that will most likely be
destroyed.  If the virus is not stopped, it can place the person's
nervous system in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop--which can
severely damage neurons if it is not stopped before long.  Unfortunately,
most novice mail users will not realize what is happening before it is
too late.

Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the
"Million Dollar" virus.  It always travels to new hosts the same way:
in a large envelope with the text "You May Have Already Won One Million
Dollars" on the envelope.

Avoiding infection is easy once the letter has been received--don't
read it.  The act of opening the envelope releases pheromones that
cause a hypnotic-like response as the virus takes over the reader's
central nervous system.  The virus is highly intelligent--it will
force the victim to make copies of itself and mail them to everyone
whose mailing address is contained in an address book or on a piece
of received mail, if it can find one.  It will then proceed to trash
the nervous system it has taken over.

The bottom line here is--if you receive a piece of mail with "You May
Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on it, throw it out immediately!
Do not read it!  Rest assured that whoever's name was in the return
address was surely struck by the virus.

Warn your friends and local mail users of this newest threat to their
health! It could save them a lot of time and money.
+------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 7/18/97	
Eleventh commandement: Thou shalt not committee.
+------------------------------------------+
Three ministers were talking over lunch and before long found themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.  The first minister says, "I draw a circle on the floor, and throw the money in the air.  Whatever lands in the circle is mine, and whatever lands outside the circle is God's."

The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "Whatever lands inside the circle goes to the Lord and whatever lands outside it is mine."  They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. 

"Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.  

"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab and I keep whatever hits the floor."
+--------------------------------------+
[from The Baylor University Alumni Association Humor Conference, via EcuLaugh]

 "YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST ..."

 1. If you believe you're supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die;

 2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn;

 3. If you have ever put an IOU in the offering plate;

 4. If you think someone who says "amen" while the pastor is preaching might be a charismatic;

 5. If you complained because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long;

 6. If you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week;

 7. If you woke up one morning craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach;

 8. If you think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles;

 9. If you are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote into the senior adult Sunday School department;

 10. If you think the Holy Land is Nashville.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 7/19/97	
[from Jon Wong, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
     
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
     
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
     
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
     
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
     
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
     
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13
     
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15
     
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
     
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
     
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15
     
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
     
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
     
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there
was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
     
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
     
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
     
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
     
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
     
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
     
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
     
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.  So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
     
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 7/20/97	
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]

The Minister faced the Congregation, gave the offering plates to the ushers
and said, "And now brethren, let us give not only in accordance with our
bounty, what God has so graciously given us, but as per that which we all
reported on our Form 1040's."
+--------------------------------------+
Our minister once illustrated a point in his sermon by saying that
we have to know where best to plant our seeds.  For example, he went
on, a rose needs sunlight, but fuchsias need a shady nook to flourish.
On the way out this one woman couldn't stop complimenting the Pastor
on his wisdom.  Finally she said, "All these years, I've been unable
to determine what was the matter with my fuchsias."
+--------------------------------------+
A Minister from North Dakota had died and was being introduced around
Heaven.  His favorite topic of conversation was the faith required to
shepherd his little flock thru the floods this past year.

He was telling one scholarly looking gentleman that they really ought
to get together some time so he could explain how difficult his last
months on earth were.

"Yes, I would enjoy that." replied the man.  "Permit me to introduce
myself, I'm known as Noah."
+--------------------------------------+
[From  H. R. Stockert, via EcuLaugh]

Hagiological Notes - St. Lukewarm of Laodicea, Martyr

St. Lukewarm was a magistrate in the city of Laodicea under Claudius (Emp.
AD 41-54).  He was so broadminded as to offer asylum and patronage to every
kind of religious cult, however unorthodox or repulsive, saying in answer
to all remonstrances: " There is always some truth in everything."  This
liberality earned for him the surname of  "The Tolerator."  At length he
fell into the hands of a sect of Anthropophagi (for whom he had erected a
sacred kitchen and cooking stove at the public expense), and was duly set
on to stew with the appropriate ceremonies. By miraculous intervention,
however, the water continually went off the boil; and when he was finally
served up, his flesh was found to be so tough anda tasteless that the Chief
Anthropojphagus spat out the unpalatable morsel, exclaiming *Tolerator non
tolerandus!" (A garbled Christian version of this legend is preserved in
Rev. iii. 16).

St. Lukewarm is the patron saint of railway caterers, and is usually
depicted holding a cooking pot.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 7/21/97	
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why ?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Nancy Rice]

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat
belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth woman!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 7/22/97	
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forebade the killing of animals.

Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.  Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives.

The terrified populace petitioned their leader to recind his edict, but he refused:  thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief. Not only was the revolt successful, it was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game. 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via DWORD]

Olduploadmania:  A computer related disorder, when you are unable to resist the urge to repost old jokes and/or files.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Rich McLawhorn via Daily Wisdom and "Wit & Wisdom"]
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY

A bold pastor sent the following notice to his congregation in the weekly church bulletin:  To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."  Special arrangements include the following--

*Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

*Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

*Murine will be available for those with tired eyes from watching television too late on Saturday night.

*Blankets will be provided for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who think the church is too hot. 

*We will have hearing aids for those who say, "The Pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. 

*Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

*There will be 100 T.V. dinners for those who cannot go to church and cook dinner also.

*We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

*Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 7/23/97	
Actual tv commercial recently seen:

"Jesus is coming soon -- perhaps tomorrow! Send $10 for a video that will explain the Second Coming of Jesus Christ! Please allow six weeks for delivery."
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the
sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

Immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered "Thoap!"
+---------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

One evening, Mulla's neighbor saw him crawling around under the
lamppost outside Mulla's house.  "What are you doing?" he asked
Mulla. Looking for a key which I dropped," replied the Mulla. The
neighbor also started search the area.  After several minutes went
by, the neighbor said, "I'm sorry, Mulla, but I just don't see it
anywhere. Do you remember exactly where you were standing when you
dropped your key?" "Oh, yes," replied the Mulla. "I was inside my
house down in the cellar." "Then what on earth are we doing searching
for it out here?" asked the neighbor. "Fool!" replied the Mulla. 
"Can't you see that under the lamppost out here it's brighter and
easier to search for it?"   
+--------------------------------------+
[from Grayjackl, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Three priests, a Domincan, a Franciscan and a Jesuit, were in the same
hospice.  All were near death.  One evening, the Angel of Death appeared
before them and informed them that it was their time.  He said, however, that
each could have a final request before accompanying him from this world.

The Dominican went first and he asked to gaze upon the face of his 
Saviour.  In an instant the face of Christ appeared before him,. He was
satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets.

The Franciscan was next.  He asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet
of Jesus before he died. No sooner than Christ appeared and invited him, as
he did Thomas, to examine His wounds.  The dying priest touched Christ's
hands and feet, wept with joy and was content and at peace.

 Finally the Angel of Death turned to the Jesuit and asked his final 
request .  Without hesitation the Jesuit replied: "I'd like a second
opinion." 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 7/24/97	
[from Walt Groff, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

WHAT I LEARNED IN COLLEGE

 ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.

 ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

 ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES 
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of  Jefferson Airplane".  If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

 ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King,
3/8/90

 ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble
a nail.  -- Abraham Maslow

 ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

 ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were catholic!

 ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

 ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

 ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING 
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. --
English Professor, Ohio University

 ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

 ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

 ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
      -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

 ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office.

 ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

 ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown
with great force.  -- Dorothy Parker

 ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

 ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh

 ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 7/25/97	
[from Tom Bombadil]

Nasrudin went into a bank with a check to cash. "Can you identify
yourself?" asked the clerk. Nasrudin took out a mirror and peered
into it. "Yes, that's definitely me, all right."
+--------------------------------------+
Sometimes the written word is so much safer.  The Minister told the
Secretary to change the sign for his upcoming sermon to "Are Ministers
Cracking Up ?"  Although puzzled, within a few minutes the large sign
in front of the church announced for all the world to see to come in
next Sunday and hear "Our Minister's Cracking Up."
+--------------------------------------+
[from an Ann Landers newspaper column]
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.  Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years.  "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey.  "Ten years is plenty."  Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?"  The monkey agreed.

The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years.  The lion, too, wanted only 10.  Again, Man spoke up.  "May I have the other 10 years?"  "Of course," said the lion.

Then came the donkey, who was also give 20 years.  Like the others, 10 years were enough for him.  Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Linda Lemons, via EcuLaugh]

The bishop and the rabbi had lived across the street from each other for many years.  Over the course of time they had developed a close friendship, but also a friendly rivalry, always trying to "one up" each other.  When the bishop got new window drapes for his house, the rabbi got new drapes *and* new carpet....  And so it went for many years.  

One day the rabbi looked out his window and saw that the bishop had bought a new Buick, so, not to be outdone, the rabbi went out and bought a new Cadillac.  The rabbi, on his way to synagogue the next Sabbath, was amazed to see the bishop sprinkling his new car with holy water.  The bishop was amazed when he saw the rabbi with a hacksaw cutting off a portion of the tail pipe of the new Cadillac.  He sauntered across the street and, trying to be casual, asked what in the world the rabbi was doing.

"Well," said the rabbi, "if you can baptize your car, why shouldn't mine have a bris?"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 7/26/97	
[from GCFL Humor List via "A Joke A Day"]
 Mom's Brownie Recipe

* Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
* Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
* Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
* Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
* Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
* Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
* Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
* Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
  shortening from cat's tail.
* Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.  Take
  smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for
  ventilation.
* Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the
  call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed
  call removed from bill.
* Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
* Let cat out of refrigerator.
* Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
* Bake 25 minutes.
* Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you
  have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while
  there's still time and he's still able to run away.


FROSTING

* Mix the following in saucepan:

     1 cup sugar
     1 oz unsweetened chocolate
     1/4 cup margarine

* Take the teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away.
* Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you
  didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the
  street. Put Jr in playpen.
* Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
  minutes.
* Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a
  garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for
  ruined carpet.
* Tie Billy to clothesline.
* Remove burned brownies from oven.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 7/27/97	
I know how hard it is to raise funds for almost anything these days. A member of our Church contacted me and said they were having a benefit on June 28.  I said I was sorry that we'd be unable to make it due to a prior commitment, but I would be there "in spirit" with them. Undaunted, he cheerfully replied, "Great !  I have $10, $15 and $20 tickets.  Where would you like your 'spirit' to sit ?"
+--------------------------------------+
Q:  What does the soloist sing at a Jewish-Roman Catholic wedding?

A:  oi vey Maria!
+--------------------------------------+
[From the Baptist New Mexican via "Funny Pages Mailing List" and "Wit & Wisdom"]

The choir had come out of rehearsal.   "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Bill Garrison asked a fellow choir member, Roy Greene.  "Yes, I sing a lot.  I use my voice just to kill time," said Roy.  Bill nodded.  "You certainly have a fine weapon."
+--------------------------------------+
[From  Bill, via EcuLaugh]
"You Might Be A Preacher If..."

* You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were*

* You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times*

* You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday*

* A church picnic is no picnic*

* You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny*

* It's Sunday, but Monday's coming!*

* You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer*

* Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."*

* You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion*

* You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed*

* You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck*
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 7/28/97	
[from Tom Bombadil]

Mulla Nasrudin was a the local bar, and was hearing some guys
complain about their controlling and nagging wives.  Mulla, tired of
his whining friends, announced that he was certainly the head of the
household in *his* family, and that he alone made the important
decisions, leaving his wife to only deal with trivial issues. The
guys rallied around the Mullah, and said "way to go" and so forth.
One of the fellows said, "I'm curious, Mullah:  just which trivial
issues do you let her decide on, anyway?" Mullah replied, "well, I
of course solve the *real* issues:  Is there a God; is the universe
ultimately real or a dream or illusion; why is there something
rather than just plain nothing; and where do we go when we die? My
wife, on the other hand, only makes decisions about trivial things,
like where we live, how we spend our money, how we raise the kids,
what we eat, and what friends we should spend our time with, knowing
that the real issues are better left to my wisdom."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dave, via REHU]

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
     
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
     
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
     
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
     
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
     
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
     
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
     
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
     
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
     
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
     
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
     
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.
     
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 7/29/97	
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]
I met this over-zealous evangelist one time while recovering in the
hospital from a heart attack. After listening politely for a over a half
hour on how thankful I should be to have been spared, and how I should
repent at once, he asked if all my sins had flashed before my eyes during
the heart attack.

I told him not to be ridiculous, the attack had only lasted 6 hours.
+--------------------------------------+
I saw a rather clever fund-raising appeal in front of one church not
long ago: "You Can't Take it With Ya -- So Send it On Ahead !"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Leo E Schulten]

The rain it raineth on the just-
	And also on the unjust fella-
But chiefly on the just, because-
	The unjust steals the just's umbrella !
		- Anonymous
+--------------------------------------+

[from Bosco Peters]

There was a tradesman working on parish property.
He was warned by a parishioner that the Vicar might ask some tricky
questions like:
"Where was baby Jesus born?"... "Tokyo?" answered the tradesman hesitantly
"No Bethlehem"
"Who parted the Red Sea?" ....."Father Christmas?"
"No Moses"
The parishioner suggested he write the answers on his drill.
Along comes the Vicar later and meets the new tradesman...
"Well I'd just like to ask a few questions: Where was baby Jesus born?"
Tradesman looks down at his drill..."Bethlehem"
"Great and who parted the Red Sea?"
"Moses"
"And who were the first man and woman in the Bible?"
Tradesman looks down at his drill
"Black & Decker?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Ken Farrar via Bill's Punch Line e-mail list and "Wit & Wisdom"]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the  minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had
read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 7/30/97	
[from a "Shoe" cartoon]

"Wasn't it this joint that had the big seafood poisoning scare?"

"Yup..... We like to call it 'The Dark Night of The Sole'."
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]

An ornithologist I know, both a lover as well as an expert on all birds,
claims that all too often the stork is held responsible for circumstances
which might better be attributed to a lark.
+--------------------------------------+
The sincerest form of flattery is copyright infringement.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jane, via EcuLaugh]

The setting is a small town at the turn of the century (the last one, not
the one coming up!).  The owner of the local general store fancies himself
a biblical scholar, and has a quote from the good book after every customer
leaves the store, which he shares with the group of fellows clustered
around the checker board on top of the pickle barrel.  One day, a lady came
in needing to match a button she lost from her best dress.  After much
searching through the button drawer, a match was found.  "Seek and ye shall
find!" quoted the shopkeeper as he joined his friends around the checker
board.  Later, a little boy came in, wanting some candy.  The piece he
wanted cost 2 cents, but the little boy only had one.  "No problem," said
the shopkeeper as he gave the boy the candy and took his penny.  "Suffer
the little children . . ." quoted the shopkeeper as he again joined the
checker game.  A short while later, a young man came in.  None of the folks
in the store knew this fellow, but he said, "I'm new in town, and I am
about to become engaged to be married to the prettiest girl in town.  I
want to give her more than a ring as a present, and I know she loves
horses.  Please let me see your horse blankets."  The shopkeeper went to
the back room of the store and discovered he had only one blanket left in
stock.  He took it to the young man and told him it was $5.  "I need a
better blanket than that!"  exclaimed the young man.  The shopkeeper went
back to the back room, rummaged around and put the same blanket into a
fancy box, brought it out and told the young fellow he had this one for
$10.  "Not good enough!  Bring me your best blanket!" he exclaimed.  So the
shopkeeper went back again, put tissue paper in the box around the blanket
and put a big red bow on the box.  He took it out and told the fellow,
"This is the best blanket I have.  It's $50."  "Great!" said the young man,
"I'll take it!"  He paid the money and left the store.  The gentlemen
around the checker board had been stifling chuckles all through the
exchange, wondering what biblical quote the shopkeeper would come up with
for this situation.  He came back to them muttering, "He was a stranger,
and I took him in!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 7/31/97	
[from SUSPECTS, via HAND!]

  A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
  country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
  summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's
  not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
  happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

  On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
  stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
  Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and
  living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his
  Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning
  breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries
  and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears,
  a male and a female.

  Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
  His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him
  and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore
  into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
  The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch
  with the lawyer.

  Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried
  the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his
  friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

  The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
  took  his gun, careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

  "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer,"I said he was in the other!"

  "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
   told you that the Czech was in the male?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tina Gunther, via Barbara Sheele on REHU]

Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head.
God bless mom and dad and the children too,
And God there's just one more thing I wish you would do--
If you don't mind my asking, just bless my 'puter, too?
Now I know that it's not normal to bless a small machine
But listen just a second and I'll try to explain.
You see, that little metal box holds more than odds and ends:
Inside those small components rests a hundred loving friends.

Some it's true I've never seen and most I've never met.
We've never shaken hands or ever truly hugged, and yet,
I know for sure they love me by the kindnesses they give
And this little scrap of metal is how I get to where they live.
By faith is how I know them much the same as I know You.
A share of life brings them close to me so if it's OK with You . .
Just take an extra minute from Your duties up above 
To bless this little hunk of steel that's filled with so much love.
+--------------------------------------+
