HUMOR10 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at	CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 8/1/97	
[from Kitty's Daily Mews e-mail list, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

A college graduate applies for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he is given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.  As soon as the young man is alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the packet.  Inside, a message reads:  "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from ASHcan-L e-mail list, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire.  He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic.  Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the passenger compartment with a parachute strapped to his back. "Don't worry, folks," he said cheerfully.  "I'm going for help." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

Each day, Mulla Nasruddin was seen sprinkling herbs on the ground at sunrise. His neighbor, unable to contain his curiosity, came over one morning and inquired, "Hey Mulla, I just don't get it:  why do you keep doing that every morning?" 

Mulla replied, "To keep the tigers away, Silly." 

The neighbor shot back, "Oh Mulla, there aren't any tigers for a thousand miles." 

"Yes" replied Mulla. "Effective, isn't it?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Antonio Oliveros Fernandez, via REHU]

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?"

 "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

 "Can you pay in cash?"

 "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

 "Do you have any close relatives, then?"

 "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

 "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

 "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 8/2/97	
[from angelpcp, via "A Joke A Day"]

Does Your Campground Have A BC?

The Story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always
quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.  She and her
husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a
particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't
quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.  She just
couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. 
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned
term BATHROOM COMMODE.  But when she wrote that down, she thought she
was being to forward.  So she started all over again, rewrote the
entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the
"BC".  "Does the campground have its own BC ?" is what she actually
wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he
got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking
about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it
for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't
figure out what the lady meant either.  So the campground owner
finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about
the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady the following
reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles
north of the campground as is capable of seating 250 people at one
time. 

I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late.  It is such a beautiful facility
and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can
be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so
crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may
interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to
raise money to buy more seats.  They are going to hold it in the
basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more
regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow
older it seems to be more of an effort , particularly in cold
weather. If you decide to came down to our campground, perhaps I
could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce
you to all the other folks.

(Remember, this is a friendly community.) 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 8/3/97	
[from Larry Reed, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

 A woman was talking to her pastor one day and said, "You know pastor, I don't bother God with the  little problems  when I pray, I try to take care of them myself."  

"Then you don't talk to God do you?" was the pastors reply. "Because to God there are no big problems!"
+--------------------------------------+
There was a man who died and found himself in a beautiful place, surrounded by every conceivable comfort.  A white-jacketed man came to him and said, "You may have anything you choose - any food - any pleasure - any kind of entertainment."

The man was delighted, and for days he sampled all the delicacies and experiences of which he had dreamed on earth.  But one day he grew bored with all of it, and calling the attendant to him, he said, "I'm tired of all this.  I need something to do.  What kind of work can you give me?"

The attendant sadly shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  That's the one thing we can't do for you.  There is no work here for you."

To which the man answered, "That's a fine thing.  I might as well be in hell."

The attendant said softly, "Where do you think you are?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from The Rev. Andrew T. Gerns, via EcuLaugh]

Top Ten Reasons Why God Would Make a Terrible Boyfriend...

10 - He's WAY too old.

9 - What's with all those old men in robes he hangs out with?

8 - Everyone is always asking him for favors...

7 - That bright thing around his head draws moths..

6 - Talk about CONTROL FREAK!

5 - All those aliases are a bit suspicious....

4 - You can't keep any secrets from him.

3 - Those doves flying around him all the time can really get annoying.

2 - He is SUCH a know-it-all.

And the NUMBER ONE reason that God would make a Terrible Boyfriend is....

#1 -  Watch out for his temper - One word: LOCUSTS!!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 8/4/97	
[from a "Curtis" cartoon]

Mother speaking to kids about to leave: "Don't get in any stranger's car... Don't accept candy or money from strangers... Don't let anyone touch you in any way that feels wrong... Say "no" to anyone who offers you drugs, even a friend!  And if you hear gunfire, head for shelter or crouch down on the floor!"

And after the kids have left: "Whatever happened to the good ol' days when all you had to tell your kids was 'Look both ways before you cross the streets' ?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Martin Dufresne via HAND!]

          ~~~~~~~ Astrological Lightbulb Changers ~~~~~~~~~

What's your sign?  How many of you does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one
is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. 
Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical
Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out lightbulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy,
so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb? 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 8/5/97	
[forwarded by Grady, via REHU]
Grady, Grand Inquisitor of Rehu, Duke of Grits, Margrave of Lowndes

The tourist was attempting to sneak several quarts of tequila,  an expensive import in the US, back from Mexico.  The border guard asked what was in the bottles.

The fellow replied, "That's Holy Water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary."

The guard opened one of the bottles, poured a drop on his finger,  and tasted it.  "This is tequila!" he said sternly.

"My heavens." gasped the tourist. "Another miracle !!!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from John Salmon, via EcuLaugh]

    The story is told--apparently true--I believe it was Henry Ford, who was in England, and was asked to make a donation to a hospital having a fund drive.  He agreed to give them $15,000, but when the article came out in the newspaper, it said he had agreed to donate $50,000.  The people from the hospital came to see Ford immediately, very apologetic, and said he wouild not, of course, be expected to give more than he had agreed on.  He told them, No, he would give the $50,000, but only on the condition that a plaque be placed above the entrance to the hospital. It was, and supposedly remains to this day: "I was a stranger, and you took me in."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

One time Mulla went to a bathhouse.  The attendant was slow with the towels, the food was cold, he was spoken to rudely; but Mulla showed no irritation.  When the time came to leave he left a whole gold dinar, a huge tip, and the attendants were amazed at his generosity. The following week, Nasrudin received the royal treatment from smiling, fawning attendants.  He smiled and enjoyed himself, and when it was time to leave, the attendants lined up, expecting that this time their guest would be even more generous. The Mullah gave each attendant a copper bit, the smallest of coins; when they expressed surprise that the previous tip was so large and this one so
small, he told them that the big tip was for *this* time, and that the small tip was for *that* time.
+--------------------------------------+
A Hasid complained to Rabbi Wolf that certain persons were turning night into day, playing cards.  "That is good," said the zaddik.  "Like all people they want to serve God and don't know how.  But now they are learning to stay awake and persist in doing something.  When they have become perfect in this, all they need to do is turn to God - and what excellent servants they will make for him then!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr. via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.  She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting."  

"It was postponed." he replied.  "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight." 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 8/6/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]

The Vicar inherited a battered old car from his maiden aunt.  The following Sunday he announced the first hymn as: "Crock of ages left for me".
+--------------------------------------+
[from "A Treasury of Humor", via Zac Meyer and EcuLaugh]

A deaf old lady had a tendency to shout when she went to confession.  When the priest asked her to speak more quietly, since everyone in the church could hear her, she shouted, "What did you say?" So he carefully told her that she should write down what she had to say, in advance. 

At her next confession, she knelt and handed a piece of paper to the priest.  He looked at it and said, "What is this?  It looks like a grocery list." 

"Mother of God!" shouted the lady.  " I must have left my sins at the A & P!!!!
+--------------------------------------+
[not a joke]

	AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
		by Portia Nelson

                         I

I walk down the street.
	There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
	I fall in
	I am lost... I am helpless
		It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

		II

I walk down the same street.
	There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
	I pretend  I don't see it,
	I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place,
		but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

		III

I walk down the same street.
	There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
	I see it is there.
	I still fall in... it's a habit,
		my eyes are open.
		I know where I am.
	It is my fault.
	I get out immediately.

		IV

I walk down the same street.
	There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
	I walk around it.

		V

I walk down another street.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 8/7/97	
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

  A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid!  Tetanus!  Measles!"

  The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

  The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Starkey, via EcuLaugh]

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village near
the border between Greece and strife-torn (former) Yugoslavia, a lone
Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.  She is the
last caretaker of the site of significant historical events spanning
more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies,
the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox
Patriarch of Macedonia.  However, that is not likely to happen soon.
Sister Maria, age 53, enjoys excellent health.  By her own estimate
she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which
once served as a base camp of Attila the Hun.  In more ancient times
a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and
used it as a base for his marauding army.  The Huns are believed to
have first collected and then destroyed a large collection of Greek
legal writs at the site.  It is believed that Attila wanted to study
the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents
destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read
them, or because they provided evidence of  democratic government
that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful
tyrant.

When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.

Today, there is only the lone Sister watching over the old Hun
military base.  Amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia remains
this simple remnant of the past.  Thus, that is how it ends, with no
Huns, no writs, no Eros, and Nun left on base. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 8/8/97	
[from Fiona MARSDEN, via "Just Too Funny!"]

From San Francisco Chronicle, Sunday, November 24, 1996, page 10.

My 6-year-old son and his friend have just left the dining room,
where I am writing.  The boys were wearing black sweat pants and
black turtlenecks they had pulled from Ryan's dresser.  They cinched
the pants at the waist with belts, through which they had slipped
wooden swords.  Then they crept up on me.  When I looked up from my
computer, they ran squealing from the room.

This stunt was repeated about 10 times in eight minutes.  The
repetition did nothing to diminish the hilarity for the two boys (or
increase it for me). The pirate-spy routine had been preceded by
attempts to pogo in the family room, roller blade in the kitchen,
dribble a basketball down the stairs, burp the letters in their names
(my son has shown genius in this area) and play catch in the
stairwell.

I took away the pogo stick, put the roller blades outside, stored
the basketball in a closet, told the boys I'd heard enough burping
for one day and guided the game of catch to the driveway.  Still
ahead: the friend's anguished departure, subtraction homework,
spelling flashcards, dinner, dishes, books and a pokey meander into
bed. During this time I had to finish my column.

Two nights earlier I had dinner with a friend who was in town on
business from Los Angeles.  I drove into the city early so we could
catch up, and we ended up walking through the shops around Union
Square.  She has a 3-year-old boy and a baby due in three months. 
At the Banana Republic, she ran her hands over a soft throw blanket.

"Oh, isn't this wonderful?" she asked.  Then she found a comforter.
"Look at this," she said.  At Saks, she found a flannel nightshirt.
"Feel this," she said.  I looked at her.  "Do you realize everything
you've looked at has to do with sleep?"  Once upon a time her
shopping tastes ran to spike heels and miniskirts.  She laughed. 
"When I get up in the morning," she said, "all I think about is how
many hours until I can get back in."

The next night I sat in a darkened room at a Zen retreat not far
from my house.  The room was packed with people who had come to
meditate then listen to a lecture on spirituality.  The teacher
mentioned how he had traveled to Asia as a young man to learn the
ways of the monks. He sat in a snowy forest for days with little
food, drink or sleep. He sat like a yogi on the bank of the Ganges
River for 20 hours at a stretch though his legs burned with pain and
his eyes longed for rest. He explained that the effort of his mind to
overcome the deprivation and distractions took him to higher states
of clarity and vision and taught him patience.

I was thinking about this, and about my L.A. friend, as my son and
his pal staged a sword fight in the hallway.  The connections of the
last few days began to fall into place.  I thought about the repeated
reminders and admonishments we parents deliver through the day, the
noise, the lack of sleep, the long waits for our child to get
dressed, clean his room or get out of the car.

("C'mon, we're going into the store now.  Put down the soccer ball.
No, we can't take the dog.  What are you doing?  That cookie's
probably been under the seat for a month.  C'mon.  Now.  I mean it. 
Don't worry about the cookie.  We'll throw it out in the store.
*Let's go.*"  The only things children do quickly are go to the
bathroom, eat dessert, open gifts and climb fences separating
playgrounds from deadly freeways.)

Suddenly it clicked.  I understood why monks must sit in snow and on
the banks of the Ganges.  They don't have children!

It occurred to me that, in my search for self-improvement and
spirituality, I had everything I needed in my own home.  Every
parent does.  There are the long painful nights we sit without moving
because one twitch might wake the (potentially) very loud baby in our
arms. There is the excruciating mind and muscle control to stifle a
smile when our child earnestly tells us he didn't pick up his toys
because he got hit with a ball at school and suffered brain damage.

There are the tests of concentration when you're talking to a client
on the phone and your child appears in the doorway in nothing but
boots and a gun belt and acts out the final scene from "High Noon."

There are the years on end of getting to sleep after midnight
because only when the kids are asleep and the phone isn't ringing can
you get your chores finished, then you're up at 6 to make lunches and
get breakfast and shutttle them to school before you go, bleary-eyed,
to work.

Religious students travel the globe to find tests of will, patience,
deprivation and selflessness.  Parents live them every day.  Anyone
looking for a mysterious, contradictory and fulfilling religion
couldn't do much better than child-rearing.  All the components are
there: rituals, generosity, penance, guilt and desperate prayer, all
punctuated by moments of transcendent clarity and unmatched joy.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but I'm wondering if we can get
tax-exempt status. :) 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 8/9/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]

An atheist was lying in the funeral parlour.  As he put the finishing touches to the body the mortician sighed: "Look at him - all dressed up and nowhere to go!"
+--------------------------------------+
[From  Pete Bennett, via EcuLaugh]

Oral Roberts got the CALL to go to heaven and upon arriving at the
Pearlie Gates St. Peter asks him who he is and he says Oral Roberts. 
THE Oral Roberts, St Peter replys. Yes he says.  St. Peter says, you
must have been called by someone higher up then me, speak with Jesus. 
Jesus asks him who he is and he says Oral Roberts.  THE Oral Roberts,
Jesus replys.  Yes he says.  Jesus says, you must have been called by
someone higher up then me, speak with GOD.  GOD asks him who he is and
he says Oral Roberts.  THE Oral Roberts, GOD replys. Yes he says.  And
GOD says, I've had this pain, here in my neck, for about a month.  Could
you.....?
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

Nasrudin opened a booth in the marketplace with a sign above it, not
unlike Lucy's Psychiatrist stand in old "Peanuts" cartoons:

ANY TWO QUESTIONS ANSWERED FOR 5 GOLD COINS.

Now everybody smiled or laughed as they walked by, for the coins in
those days were quite large, and 5 coins was quite a substantial sum.
Furthermore, everyone knew of the Mulla's reputation as a trickster
and fool, dispite the religious authorities' claims that he was a
great wise man to save face after one-upping them with his tricky
crazy wisdom.

Finally, a very wealthy man, after passing the Mulla by several times,
said, "Oh all right, I can't resist."  Everyone gathered around as the
rich man place five large coins, one by one, in front of the Mulla, so
that they might hear what kind of wisdom - or wise crack - Nasrudin
was going to share for such a price, hoping to get enlightened
themselves, or at least satisfy their curiosity.

The rich man sighed as he place the last coin on the table, whining,
"'Five pounds is rather expensive for two questions, isn't it?" "Yes,"
replied Nasrudin, "and the second question, please?" "What?" cried the
man.  "You mean THAT counts as one of my questions?" "Yes," replied
the Mulla again.  "Have a good day, sir.  Next!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 8/10/97	
One rebellious soul wished to reject the faith of his fathers so completely that he felt he had to break all the rules of the religion he'd been taught.

Having been brought up in the Jewish faith, the man found ways to go against every teaching of the Torah.  Finally, he went to see his rabbi to tell him what he'd done.

Realizing how determined the rebel was, the rabbi could only ask, "Well, what do you want of me?"

"I'll enumerate all the commandments I have transgressed," said the sinner, "and if you find that I have forgotten any, tell me so I can break them, too."

A long recitation of evil deeds followed.

When it was over, the rabbi said sharply, "There is just one more sin you will have to commit to make your record complete."

"Fine!" said the man vehemently.  "Tell me what it is and I'll do it!"

"You forgot the injunction against suicide!"
+--------------------------------------+
[From  Wayne Dobratz, via EcuLaugh]

This appeared in the May issue of the Iowa District East Newsletter of The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE GETTING ENOUGH OF GOD'S WORD:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians....and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob had a few hits during the 60's.

8) You open to Luke and a WWII Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in the Concordance.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand:  "Who gave you this trash?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story:  "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 8/11/97	
[from HAND!]

   Why did the chicken cross the road?
   To show the armadillo/raccoon that it was possible.

   But why did the chicken cross the road again?
   Because it was a double-crosser.

   Why did the chicken cross the playground?
   To get to the other slide.

   Why did the chicken cross the beach?
   To get to the other tide.

   Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
   Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

   Why did the turtle cross the road?
   To get to the Shell station!

   Why did the scientist cross the road?
   To invent the other side.

   Why did the lawyer cross the road?
   To get to the car accident on the other side.

   Why did Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
   To help the patient find the other side.

   Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
   To break on through to the other side.


    A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public
   library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.'   The librarian decides that the
   chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens
   leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return
   to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!'
   The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books
   and gives it to them.  The chickens leave as before. The two chickens
   return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian,
   looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!'  The
   librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens.  She gives
   them what they request, and decides to follow them.  She followed
   them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park.  At this
   point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.  She saw the
   two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the
   frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

   A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to
   make a long-distance caw.

   A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign.
      "Free Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over."

   What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
   Look at the orange mama laid.  (pronounce it like 'marmalade')

   What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
   A peeping tom.

   Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
   Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
   Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
   Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

   Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
   Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
   Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
   Sister: Three years.  We would have come in sooner, but we
         needed the eggs.

   Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
   Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

   Diner: I can't eat this chicken.  Call the manager.
   Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

   Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
   The outside.

   What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
   A walkie-talkie, of course.

   Why do hens lay eggs?
   If they dropped them, they'd break.

   Why do seagulls live near the sea?
   Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 8/12/97	
LUTEFISK:  The piece of cod which passeth all understanding!
			--- Phil. 4:7
+--------------------------------------+
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
+--------------------------------------+
[from Trefor, via REHU]

A mother was convinced that her wayward son would become a Christian.  She
pleaded with him to come to the faith, she sent him little cards with Bible
verses on, tapes with sermons, spiritual books, but all to no avail.

One day she fell to her knees and prayed fervently to God that he would
totally remove the obstacle to her son's conversion.

There was a blinding flash and she vanished.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth
to a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line.
The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the
truth -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said
Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very
well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the
truth!" "Exactly," replied Nasrudin, "your truth."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kristine Payne, via EcuLaugh]

COOKIE CHURCH

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."  One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"

A shy six-year-old raised his hand.  "Six less grams of fat," he replied.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 8/13/97	
[from Chuck Eklund, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Posted with permission of the author
copyright 1996 Donald E. Lindman

Have you ever noticed that "dog" is "God" spelled backward?  And
those of us who have canine companions understand why...a dog in
many ways is a reflection of the attributes of God, particularly the
attributes of forgiveness, patience, and grace.  I'm particularly
struck by the fact that when I come home beaten by life and by
parishioners, with my family mad at me and me not even feeling very
good about myself, the dog is there to greet me, tail wagging, a
smile on his face, saying with all his body language that "even if
the rest of the world thinks you're junk, I think you're great!"
That's grace!  

Which leads my meandering mind to a story:

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on
the outskirts of town.  He had no family and only a few meager
possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his
dog.  He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually
would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his
master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would
bring in.

The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs
like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it.  When the old man
was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the
house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed
in to town to work.  He had a plumbing repair job in one of the
homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably
pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the
money carefully.  He headed for town with a spring in his step and a
whistle on his lips.

Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag
for his wrench.  To his surprise he didn't feel it.  He dug around
again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench.  He looked in the
bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. 
Reality set in.  Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and
without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone
tomorrow.  

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who
hired him what the situation was.  While she sympathized with his
situation, the job needed to be done.  If the old man couldn't do it,
she would have to hired someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and
shoulders stooped.  The whistle was gone and no longer was there a
spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to
last forever.  But finally the old shack came into view, and there was
Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.

When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling
the old man how glad he was to see him.  Kneeling beside the hound,
the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog
that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow.
What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what
the future held.  It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had
ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.  As the
old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his
despair turned in an instant to joy!  It was the wrench!  The old
man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have
been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the
house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated
him, and ran into the house.  Reaching for a stub of pencil and the
only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine
companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.  One
man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name
recorded in music history.  The old man never did get the credit he
deserved.  But now you on rehu are privileged to read the beginning
line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet
the hound that saved a wrench for me."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 8/14/97	
[forwarded by Mark Huth, via REHU]

This is an actual essay written by a university applicant. The 
author, Graham Gallagher, now attends Southampton University {SIC, 
SIC, SIC}.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR UNIVERSITY TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in
Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on
Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern
Europe with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65
secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had
time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location
of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four
course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 8/15/97	
[from Tom Roush]

A nun walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I have this terrible habit..." 
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Grady, via REHU]

     PROFESSOR:
         Although in modern English the double negative is usually
         taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double
         negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is
         _always_ an intensified affirmative.  There is no known case of a
         double affirmative being used as a negative.

     STUDENT:  Yeah, right.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Paul, via REHU]

Q. How can you tell when you're attending Mass at an Episcopal church?

A. You know for sure if the priest sends the wine back at Communion.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dee Christian]

Q: Did you hear about the female cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

A: She had mittens!
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mary Sheridan]

There was an old monk who had a lifetime's practice in contemplation.  A young man asked him, "Do you still wrestle with the devil?"  The old monk answered that he had not done so for many years, now he wrestled with God.  The young man said, "do you hope to win?"

"No," said the old monk, "I hope to lose."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Antonio Oliveros Fernandez via "HUMOR Digest" and "Wit & Wisdom"]

The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while. The priest asks him:  "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"

"No, I'm just waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"Wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 8/16/97	
[from "The Humour List"]
50 Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!" 

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus  the overhead projector. 

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!" 

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch. 

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units. 

13. Sing your questions. 

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme. 

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry." 

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it. 

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". 

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken. 

21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips. 

22. Address the professor as "your excellency". 

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking. 
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture. 

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face. 

26. Ask whether you have to come to class. 

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket. 

28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class. 

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.   

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers. 

31. Watch the professor through binoculars. 

32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall. 

33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout. 

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!" 

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering. 

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway. 

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book. 

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream  "IMPOSTER!" 

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students. 

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room. 

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers. 

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud". 

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?" 

45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat. 

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes. 

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts. 

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell. 

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 8/17/97	
Excerpts from the book "Faith, Hope and Hilarity: The Child's Eye View of Religion." by Dick Van Dyke
                           
  A little boy who prayed for a bicycle had an even more startling
surprise instead-a baby sister. That night he had a talk with God about
His delivery service.  "I got a sister instead of a bike," he explained
to God.  "Maybe some other kid wanted a sister and got my bike. Is there
any chance we can keep the girl and get me a bike, too.?"

  One of the most effective ways of sharing the feeling of God's daily
presence with the family is to have the children ask the blessing for
the evening meal. But, of course, many families don't have this custom,
which accounts for the puzzlement of a little boy who went to dinner
with his parents at the home of a very elderly gentleman. After watching
the old
man bow his head and speak in hushed tones, the boy asked his mother,
"What did Mr. Bryan say to his plate?" 

  A mother in Pittsburgh tells of having dinner with her little son and
daughter. It had been a long, trying day at home, and her husband was
still at the office. Both children were fussy and didn't want to eat,
and her patience had reached it's limit. She looked up and sighed, "Oh,
God, help me with these children." Immediately her four-year-old
daughter bowed her head and was silent. the mother was delighted,
thinking the girl was asking God to help her be good. But then the girl
looked up at her and said, "I just asked Him not to help you."

  Three-year-old Laurie was delighted with the reception she got at
church. She told her mother, "They sang a whole song just for
me...'Laurie, Laurie Hallelujah'."
   
  Instead of singing the Doxology phrase "Praise all creatures here
below," a little girl sang instead, "Praise all preachers, here we go."
It made sense to her because everybody sang it at the end of the
service, just as they were leaving.

  A tiny boy of four was warned by his slightly older sister that he
wouldn't be allowed to talk in church. "They just won't let you say a
word," she said. "Who won't?" the boy asked. "The hushers," she replied.
  
  The small son of a football coach in Ft. Worth, Texas, was dragging
his feet on Sunday morning because he didn't like Sunday school. Finally
his mother said, "Hurry up," and he said, "Aw...let's wait and go at
half time."

  In Littleton, Colorado, a girl watching her mother shell hard boiled
eggs said, "Jesus must like these a lot."   "Why do you say that?" asked
the mother, and the girl explained:  "Last week in church we sang 'Hard
Eggs, Take Them All To Jesus.' "
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 8/18/97	
[From  Dean Mead, via EcuLaugh]

This story is basically true- But, I must admit to a little embellishment over the years.

I love trains- anything from the small electric trains that run around my study, to Amtrack.

Of course, I have many friends, who are train-lovers, also.  

I had one friend, with whom I would often have coffee, and we would share our enthusiasm of the railroads.  I often invited him to church, and, like many people, he made a promise to come, but somehow found something else to do on Sunday.

I did pursuade him to read the Bible, though.

One day, he showed up at Church.  He then came every Sunday.  He made a profession of faith in Christ, and became a very active member in the church.

I finally asked him what it was that made him change.  He told me it was the Bible reading.  

He said, "I was reading through the Old Testament, and I came to Isaiah, 6:1, where it said, 'I saw the Lord, sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple'.  I figured, if the Lord has trains in His temple, then that's the place for me!"
To this day, I have not bothered to correct his theology.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Maureen, on REHU]

> I'm trying to find an English translation to a text from the Liber
> Usualis--"Plange quasi virgo" from the Holy Saturday service:

EASY!!

> Plange quasi virgo, plebs mea:
"This Waterslide is sort of for inexperienced users, first-year
students like me"

> ululate pastores in cinere et cilicio:
"You will scream like a heroine barbarian at shepards at a movie
eating cilantro"

> Quia venit dies Domini magna et amara valde.
"He who wins at dice and dominoes is a big shot and loves money"

>Accingite vos sacerdotes,
>et plangite ministri altaris,
>aspergite vos cinere.
"Accepting a note from your sacred idols, you must administer the
alteration of the waterslide to look like asparagus from a movie"

I'd forgotten how much fun this translation stuff can be!! 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 8/19/97	
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss,
"Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe
him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but 
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then 
Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.
"Tom  Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!"
but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we 
were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. 
Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes 
"Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 
minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well 
that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba 
says "OK, pick somebody else!" 

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do!
Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss
says "No you weren't!" and  Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to
Washington and they catch up with the President at a press
conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's
close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the
President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and
catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't
believe it.  But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one
country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so
he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world
spectrum and I know them!"  

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do
not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!"
and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!"
so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of
hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the
crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna
get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll
work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows
you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and
waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the
Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.  Bubba comes back and
finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says  "Boss! Boss! Wake
up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I
can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when
somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?'
that's a little more than I can take! --"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 8/20/97	
[from Tom Roush]

A nun goes to the mother superior, terrified that she's ruined her habit
by spilling bleach on it.  She's tried and tried to make it black again,
all to no avail.  The mother superior calms her down, "I know, I know,
Old habits dye hard..."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dee Christian]

An office coworker and I were discussing boyfriends. I was telling her 
all the wonderful qualities of several different boyfriends and 
wishing that I could merge them into one person. She said, "Yeah, we 
can do mail merge, why can't we do MALE merge?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

Back in high school, I worked part-time in the front office delivering mail. One day a package arrived addressed to "Effison Frank A.R.A" at the school address. Not having anyone by that name, the package sat in the front office waiting for someone to claim it.

The mystery was unsolved for several weeks until I happened to overhear a phone conversation. "Yes, this is Mrs. Fara. I ordered a package several weeks ago and it hasn't arrived yet. Fara: F as in Frank, A - R - A."   Mystery solved. 
+--------------------------------------+
[from  SUNDAY FUNNIES AND THOUGHTS, via "Wit & Wisdom"]
  I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
   
  You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
  
  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
  
  Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!
  
  I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
  
  If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 8/21/97	
[from Swedie, via REHU]

Tintinnabulating with excitement. Does that ring a bell?
Ululating. What a howl!
Onanism. How seedy!
Titillating. Just make a clean breast of it . . . 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Trefor, via REHU]

An American evangelist once had wires connected to all the seats in his
church.

"All those who are willing to give one hundred dollars to the Lord stand
up!"

As he said this he pressed a button and electricity zapped through the
seats.  The response was really tremendous.  Later, however, the sidesman
found three dead Scotsmen clinging to their pews.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

 Feeling Stressed Out?
 
 Picture yourself near a stream.
 
 Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
 
 Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
 
 You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
 
 The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
 of serenity.
 
 The water is clear.
 
 You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
 holding under the water.
 
 Look.  It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first
 place.
 
 What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
 breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
 
 You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
 
 There now... feeling better?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 8/22/97	
[from Paul Uzell, via EcuLaugh]

My spouse and I were discussing the brilliant little piece about a week ago, concerning the Physics of Hell. In it, an assumption by the student scientist was made that spirits or souls have mass, since they exist (this, of course, is the grand assumption of all: that nothing exists unless it
has mass, physical existence.)  In our conversation, I referred to the passage in scripture where we find that "God is a spirit".  My spouse replied that that was true, even by our student scientist's "tests", since God DOES have Mass: every weekday morning, usually once or twice on Saturday evenings, and maybe three times on Sunday morning!
+--------------------------------------+
[Story by Indries Shah, sent in by Tom Bombadil]

There was once a dervish devotee who believed his task was to reproach those who did evil things and to enjoin upon them spiritual thoughts so that they might find the right path. What this dervish did not know, however, was that a teacher is not one who only tells others to do things by acting through fixed principles. Unless the teacher knows exactly what the inner situation is, with each student, the teacher may suffer the reverse of what he desires.

However, this devotee one day found a man who gambled excessively, and did not know how to cure the habit. The dervish took up his position outside the man's house. Every time he left for the gambling house, the dervish placed a stone to mark each sin upon a pile which he was accumulating as a visible reminder of evil.

Each time the other man went out he felt guilty. Each time he came back he saw another stone on the pile. Each time he put a stone on  the pile the devotee felt anger at the gambler and personal pleasure (which he called 'Godliness") in having recorded his sin.

This process continued for twenty years. Each time the gambler saw the devotee, he said to himself: 'Would that I understand goodness! How that saintly man works for my redemption! Would that I could repent, let alone become like him, for he is sure of a place among the elect when the time of requital arrives.'

It so happened that, through a natural catastrophe, both men died at the same time. An angel came to take the soul of the gambler, and said to him gently: 'You are to come with me to paradise.'

'But,' said the gambler, 'how can that be?' I am a sinner, and must go to hell. Surely you are looking for the devotee, who sat opposite my house, who has tried to reform me for two decades?'

'The devotee?' said the angel, 'No, he is being taken to the lower regions, since he is to be roasted on a spit."

'What justice is this?' shouted the gambler, forgetting his situation, 'you must have got the instructions reversed.'
'Not so,' said the angel, 'as I shall explain to you. It is thuswise: the devotee has been indulging himself for twenty years with feelings of superiority and merit. Now it is his turn to redress the balance. He really put those stones on the pile for himself, not for you.'

'And what about my reward, what have I earned?' asked the gambler. 

'You are to be rewarded because, every time you passed the dervish, you thought first of goodness and secondly of the dervish. It is goodness not man, which is rewarding you for your fidelity.'
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 8/23/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]

Mick had been drinking all night.  He had also been smoking all night and
he had also tried to get off with his pal's girlfriend.

This caused a terrible fight and his parish priest came upon the scene.

"Mick" he shouted - you must learn to love your enemies!"

"Dat's moi problem Father," Mick replied, "me worst enemies are whiskey,
tobacco and women - and oi love dem all..."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dickibus, via REHU]

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit
his parishioners.  All went well until he came to one house.  It was
obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after
he had knocked several times.  Finally he took out his card, wrote on
the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the
collection plate.  Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
	######
Rev 3:20:-  "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock:  if any man hear my
voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, 
and he with me."

Genesis 3:10:-  "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid, because I was naked:  and I hid myself.
Authorised Version, KGV
+--------------------------------------+
   Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?

   Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
   Minister: You do? Tell me.

   Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
      a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a
      Pizza Hut coupon.
+--------------------------------------+
[from MiguelPyro, via "A Joke A Day"]

A boy decided to take his girlfriend to a basketball game.  During half-time, he decided to talk to her a bit.  "See that big fellow on the bench?  He's only a freshman this year, but I think he's going to be our best man next year."

Suprised and excitedly, she responded, "Oh, darling, this is so sudden!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 8/24/97	
Our church welcomes ALL denominations. [But ones are a lot more common than tens and twenties....]
+--------------------------------------+
[from Trefor, via REHU]

Billy Graham was walking along a road when a friend pointed out a drunk and
cynically observed: "That's one of your converts."

"That's as maybe," Graham replied, "but it's certainly not one of God's!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

Walking home with a horrible hangover one Sunday morning after a long night on the town, a man discovered that he had lost his hat. He decide that the easiest way to replace it was to slip into the nearest church and steal one from the entry.   Once inside however, he heard the minister deliver a sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After the service, he said to the minister, "I want you to know that you saved me from crime. I came here intending to steal a hat, but after hearing you, I decided not to."

"Wonderful!" exclaimed the minister, "What moved you? Was it when I spoke about  Thou shalt not steal?' "

"Not exactly," said the man. "But when you got to the part about  'Thou shalt not commit  adultery,' I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Amanda Robinson, via REHU]

Last Sunday, the priest at our local Catholic church began his sermon with a supposedly true story...
"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.  As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the stewardesses began to look concerned.  Finally, one of them came over to me and said, "Father, this is really frightening.  Do you suppose you could... I don't know... 'Do something Catholic?'"

"So I took up a collection."
+--------------------------------------+
There's the story about a devout old man who prayed all his life for God to help him win the lottery. One day in prayer he became enraged at God.

"For years and years, I've prayed and prayed and You haven't answered my prayers."

Then the heavens opened up and God answered, "My son, meet me half-way. At least buy a ticket!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 8/25/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]

A correspondent to Crusade magazine condemns the title "Reverend" as having
no scriptural authority.  He argues that the Hebrew word "yare" is
ranslated only once as "reverend" in Psalm 111:9 - "Holy and Reverend is
his name".  Elsewhere it is translated as "terrible", "dreadfully" and in
one place "fearfully".

He suggests that for the title "Rev" we substitute "The Terrible"; "Very
Revs" should be addressed as "The Terribly Dreadful" and "Right Revs" as
"Fearfully & Terribly Dreadful".
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dee Christian]

Q:  What do Winnie-the-Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A:  Their middle name.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Beth Kaeser, via HAND!]

  A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping  across the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting the  rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car  and was hit.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an  animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out  to see what had become of the rabbit.

  Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.  The driver felt so  awful he began to cry.

  A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side  of the road and pulled over.  She stepped out of her car and asked  the man what was wrong.
  "I feel terrible," he explained.  "I accidently hit this rabbit  and killed it."

  The woman told the man not to worry.  She knew what to do.  She  went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.  She walked over  to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto  the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved  its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.  50 metres away  the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped  down the road another  50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another  50 metres.

  The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out what substance could  be in the woman's spray can!  He ran over to the woman and demanded,  " What was in your spray can?  What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

  The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said:  "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 8/26/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]
epitaph on a real tombstone:

Alfred Halstead, Book Editor
Lent Sept 28th 1852
Returned May 14th 1907

(hope he did not have to pay a horrific fine)!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dickibus, on REHU]

Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.  First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'" 

Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'" 

Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'" 

The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle.  When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Duane E. Berry, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

A squirrel is just a rat with good P.R.

Help, I've fallen and I can't....Hey, nice carpet!

A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with a large hammer.

Toad: what happens to an illegally parked frog.

Guillotine operator wanted. Chance to get ahead.

Compost!  A rind is a terrible thing to waste!

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone......

Dijon vu: the feeling you've tasted that mustard before.

Tactics: breath freshener for dyslexics.

Smith & Wesson: the original "point and click" interface.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 8/27/97	
[from Arlene E. Jacobs, via HAND!]

            "Oh, Now I get it"
             by Janet Konttinen,
            San Francisco Chronicle, July 22, 1997.

I remember seeing a kid in the grocery store with dirt and old food on his face, wearing a filthy T-shirt, barefoot and eating a two-pound candy bar.  I couldn't imagine why his mother had brought him to the store looking that way and why she would give him a candy bar at 10 in the morning.  That was before I had four kids.  Now I know why. 

His face was dirty because he was going through a phase in which having his face wiped seemed worse to him than getting beaten.  She chose not to do either.  His T-shirt was filthy becasuse it was his favorite one.  He wore it every day and every night.  Just as they were walking out the door to go to the store, he had pulled it out of the clothes hamper and surpised her with it at the front door.  By then she didn't dare risk interrupting the momentum she'd built toward the car by going back into the house to get a clean one.  He had shoes on when they left for the store, but he took them of in the car and threw one out the window on the freeway.  She was relieved it was the left shoe, since he'd thrown a right one out the window the week before.  He was eating a big candy bar because she had promised him he could pick out his own treat at the store if he didn't throw the cat into the pool for a whole week.  She was desperate because it was the neighbor's cat and couldn't swim. 

I used to think that my children would eat only fresh, organic fruits and vegetables and free-range chicken.  Now I look forward to our semiweekly luncheon at McDonald's. I have acquired a genuine love for secret sauce, and relish the fact that my kids can't do anything wrong there.  This includes drenching their french fries in ketchup, then spitting their cola out on top of the fries, molding the whole mess into a big ball, then throwing it at one another.

Before, when I would see a woman wheeling a kid around in a dirty stroller, I'd ask myself, "Why did she give birth to that child if she didn't plan to keep the stroller clean?"  The other week at my annual stroller washing party, I found ground cover growing in the storage compartment of one of mine. 

When I would see children throwing fits in public, I would wonder why the parents didn't just tie the kids' arms and legs together and put them in the trunk of the car until they had finished shopping.  Now I know it's because they left the rope at home.

When several children were screaming in an airplane, I'd wonder why there wasn't a separate airplane, and a separate planet, for kids.  I know now that their parents wish the same thing and that they had to take the kids to attend the family reunion at Aunt Lois' so they could see Uncle George before he kicked the bucket.

The kids were crying because their parents wouldn't let them eat the headset, stick their fingers in the ear of the lady in front of them, or press the attendant call button for the 100th time.  The parents were preoccupied with trying to decide where to change the really smelly diaper.  Should they change it on the seat next to the couple on their honeymoon, or on the floor in the back where five perky flight attendants were playing bumper cars with those one-ton food carts? Forget the bathroom.  They were designed to hold one person with short legs.  The parents feared that the smell would cause a panicky passenger to pull open the emergency exit in order to trigger the release of the oxygen masks, and they'd all be sucked out of the airplane.

Now when I see a little girl wearing cowboy boots  on the wrong feet, a pink bathing suit on backward and Army helmet, I think "She IS absolutely sure that her shoes are on the right feet, and she likes the way the helmet looks with the swimsuit.  And, no, she doesn't want to wear a jacket because 'she likes to be cold'.  She is happy."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thur 8/28/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]

Or how about the original response of the Rabbi who heard that Jehovah's
Witnesses were at the door:

"Wonderful! Let's hope he wins his case!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Greg, on REHU]

Windows95: <win-DOZ-nin-tee-FIV> n.

A 32 bit extension and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
+--------------------------------------+
[From NRJMWS, via REHU]

A journalist visits a monastery where he is friends with the abbot,
the leader of the order. The abbot is the only one in the order
allowed to speak. The journalist says "hey, its all very serene and
stuff, but doesn't it get boring, what do these guys do to lighten up
a bit" 

"Oh its not boring at all" the abbot replies, "why, after dinner on
Sundays we have a real laugh with a joke telling session" 

"hows that then?" 

"I give a special dispensation to say one word, that word is a
number, the number of a previously learnt joke... they remember the
joke and have a real laugh" 

Well, not surprisingly the journalist can hardly believe this and
asks to see it all "No problem" says the abbot 

Sure enough, after Sunday lunch in the refectory, the tables are
cleared, then a monk goes to the front of the hall and calls out
"12"... and the monks fall about laughing. The monk sits down, then
another gets up goes to the front, calls out "21" and the monks have
a good laugh. 

So it went on and the journalist is so fascinated he asks the abbot
"can I have a go?" "sure" came the reply so he went to the front of
the room and called "47" this time the monks really fell about
laughing, clutching their stomachs and gasping for breath Back at the
table the journalist says, "wow, that must have been a good one" 

The abbot replied "Yes.. they haven't heard that one before" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 8/29/97	
[from Trefor, via REHU]

Adolf Hitler was fond of consulting palmists soothsayers and astrologers.

One of the most fanous soothsayers in Germany offered to predict the day of
his death.  Hitler thought if he knew the exact day he could take measures
to defend himself.

"You will die," the Seer assured him, "on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one imbecile?! Hitler shouted as he beat him about the face.

The soothsayer calmly replied: "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Curtis Pettijohn, via "Just Too Funny!"]
If Lawyers are disbarred. and ministers are defrocked, then are: 
 
 Cowboys deranged?
 Song leaders disbanded?
 Songwriters decomposed?
 Cobblers defeated?
 Paralegals debriefed?
 Dry cleaners depressed?
 Soft drink bottlers depopulated?
 Hitch hikers derided?
 Twins despaired?
 Pirates dispatched?
 James Bond despised?
 Students detested?
 RR Conductors detracted?
 Ebonic indigents depot(ed)?
 Models deposed?
 Orchard owners depicted?
 Castle owners demoted?
 Teachers declassified?
 Organ donors delivered?
 Electricians delighted?
 Phobics defrayed?
 Card sharks deduced?
 Furnace installers deducted?
 Manic depressives decried?
 Fishermen debated?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 8/30/97	
[from LOTS of places, including Greg on REHU, Dick Gorrell, and HAND!]

An imaginary 1997 Commencement Address, by Mary Schmich

  Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

  Wear sunscreen.

  If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen
  would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been
  proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no
  basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
  I will dispense this advice now.

  Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.  Oh, never mind.
  You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
  until they've faded.  But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look
  back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp
  now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you
  really looked.  You are not as fat as you imagine.

  Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying
  is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by
  chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to
  be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that
  blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

  Do one thing every day that scares you.

  Sing.

  Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up
  with people who are reckless with yours.

  Floss.

  Don't waste your time on jealousy.  Sometimes you're ahead,
  sometimes you're behind.  The race is long and, in the end,
  it's only with yourself.

  Remember compliments you receive.  Forget the insults.
  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

  Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

  Stretch.

  Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with
  your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what
  they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting
  40-year-olds I know still don't.

  Get plenty of calcium.  Be kind to your knees.  You'll miss
  them when they're gone.

  Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have children,
  maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the
  funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.  Whatever you do,
  don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. 
  Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

  Enjoy your body.  Use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it
  or of what other people think of it.  It's the greatest instrument
  you'll ever own.

  Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

  Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

  Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

  Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone
  for good.  Be nice to your siblings.  They're your best link
  to your past and the people most likely to stick with you
  in the future.

  Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few
  you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography
  and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need
  the people who knew you when you were young.

  Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live
  in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 
  Travel.

  Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians
  will philander.  You, too, will get old.  And when you do, you'll
  fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable,
  politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

  Respect your elders.

  Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust
  fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when
  either one might run out.

  Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40
  it will look 85.

  Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
  supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a
  way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting
  over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

  But trust me on the sunscreen.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 8/31/97	
[from Grady, on REHU]

A Catholic man was friendly with a Jewish man, so when his son became a priest, he was eager to share the good news with his friend.  "My son just entered the priesthood!" he told his Jewish friend excitedly.

     "Ehhh . . . that's nice," the Jewish man said with complacency.

     "Don't you get it . . . he could one day become a monsignor," the Catholic insisted.

     "Mmm . . . that's nice," the Jewish man repeated, maddeningly unenthusiastic.

     "But one day he might become a bishop!"

     "That's nice."

     "An archbishop!  My son . . . my little boy . . . could one day be an archbishop!" the Catholic man exclaimed, frustrated by his friend's utter lack of zeal for the news.

     "An archbishop . . . that's nice."

     "A cardinal.  My boy, my boy who you knew when he was just a little squirt, he could be a cardinal some day maybe."

     "That's nice," the Jewish man repeated.

     "Well, one day he could become the pope.  The pope!"

     But still the Jewish man only repeatedly blandly, "Ehhh . . . that's nice."

     Finally the Catholic had reached the end of his rope.  "What do you want him to be?!" he exclaimed in a loud, exasperated voice, "Jesus Christ?"

     Replied the Jew, "One of our boys already made it!"
+--------------------------------------+
[From George Garin, via EcuLaugh]

   The Creation Story according to DOG
   
   On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
   
   On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
   
   On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the dog.
   
   On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for
the good of the dog.
   
   On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or
might not retrieve it.
   
   On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy
and the man broke.
   
   On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
