HUMOR11 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at    CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 9/1/97     
[from HAND!]
  Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six

   - 14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
        denying that the bulb is burned out.

   - 8 White House aides to blame the previous administration
   - 4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
   - 243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of
        burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
            Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness
   - 1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.
   - 9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
        movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
   - 15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
   - 103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
        really knows how to change a light bulb.
   - 1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
     federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
     has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
     childhood in Arkansas.
   - 42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb. - 1
   campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs. - 1 Vice
   President to inform us of the environmental impact of
        changing a light bulb.
   - 2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
        able to change their own light bulbs.
   - 1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
        can't be pinned on the Republicans.
   - 1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no
       one else knows anything about.
   - 5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
       correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the
       environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't
       harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945
       specifications for light bulbs.


Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A: Four hundred and seventy one:

   - 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure
       of the old bulb;

   - 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

   - 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

   - 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs; - 9
   to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start
        buying more 110-volt bulbs;
   - 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb; -
   41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
        the building with night-vision gear instead;

   - And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs,
        or screwing anything, on the Internet.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 9/2/97     
[from Trefor, via REHU]

Another tombstone:

Erected to the memory of J. Macfarlane
Drowned in the Water of Leith

By a few affectionate friends.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Mary Sheridan]

A priest died, and came to the pearly gates to meet with St. Peter.  St.
P. said, "you must have twenty points to enter."  The priest thought this
would be easy.  "Well," he replied, "I said Mass daily for forty years,
and twice every Sunday."  "That's worth five points," St. P. said.  The
priest was surprised to get so few points, and protested, but to no
avail.  So he continued.  "I sat with the dying at the hospital day and
night."  "Two points."  "I administered all the other sacraments."
"Three points."  And on and on, until the priest realized that even all the
things he had done would not be enough to get him into heaven.  When this
realization hit him, he cried in despair, "Jesus, have mercy on me!"
"Ten thousand points," St. Peter said, and welcomed the priest into heaven.
+--------------------------------------+
                THE STUDENT MIND DURING A FINAL EXAM
                ------------------------------------
        the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity

        *  10%   The prof. never covered this section!
        *  10%   Actual knowledge on the subject.
        *  10%   The T.A.'s kinda cute!
        *  10%   I knew I should have read the book!
        *  10%   Soon this will all be behind me!
        *  10%   I hope the curve is really low!
        *  10%   PANIC ZONE!
        *  10%   Prayers for a miracle flood, fire, tornado,
                 hurricane, earthquake...etc...
        *  10%   Eeny, meeny, miny moe...
        *  10%   Summer break!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 9/3/97     
[found at
http://www.smu.edu/~mbonilla/stories/storys2/cartoondrugs.html ]

Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)

Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to
do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway? 

9. Olive Oyl

Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?!
She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her
friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? What is it her personality? NOT! 

8. Snagglepuss

Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
suspicious. 

7. He-Man

This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF
ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle,
hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in
his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse". 

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo

We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to
the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look
at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that..... 

4. Droopy

The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an
upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he
sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder. 

3. Dopey Dwarf

He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are
under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra
scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat. 

2. Daffy Duck

If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work
for him. 

1. Shaggy

By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy
converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per
episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way
him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 9/4/97     
[from Leo E Schulten]

They say that curiosity killed the cat.  I mean, what the heck does a cat want to know?  

They also say cats have nine lives.  Big deal------ a frog croaks every night.
+--------------------------------------+
When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the
cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.

And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.

Then God said to him, "Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their
condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Naomi, via REHU]

Transparent -  A guardian who willingly, but most often unwillingly, drives their children, friends
               of their children, cousins of friends of their children, and strangers (who just
               happened to appear in the car at the same time said parent was taking children to
               someplace) anywhere and almost everywhere.
+--------------------------------------+
Then there were the two fashion designers in a hot theological argument about whether Jesus
is truly divine or simply stunning.
+--------------------------------------+
[A True Story sent in by Bob Sinclair, via HAND!]

           Pretty Bird
               by Bob Sinclair

Recently I was reminded of a story which my mother swears is true
(though she doesn't call me Bobby much anymore): Back in 1958, when I
was just past four years old,  my parents gave me a young parakeet .
My mother determined that our parakeet would learn to talk,  and to
this end sat at the microphone of a borrowed tape recorder for a full
1/2 hour, saying over and over again:  "Pretty bird ! Pretty bird !
Pretty bird ! Pretty bird !...." and so on. The resulting taped
message was played for our parakeet at least once per day. For weeks.

One of Mom's friends often dropped by for an early morning cup of
coffee, and was well aware (due to the incessant taped message) of
her attempts to teach our bird to talk. And one day, while the friend
was at the kitchen table, the bird began to speak, but very quietly
and indistinctly.  She excitedly called my mother into the room, and
told her that the bird was trying to say something. The two women
carefully leaned  toward the parakeet's cage, and heard him say, very
clearly now - "Bobby!  Stop that!" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 9/5/97     
[from Trefor, via REHU]

First man: "I have nothing but praise for the new minister."

Second man: "So I noticed when the collection plate came round."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Moatman, on REHU]

A nice cartoon in the New Yorker last week showed several of the Greek gods standing on a
cloud and chatting. One of them was saying: "They call it monotheism, but it looks like
downsizing to me."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Doug McNees via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (but probably wishes he had)

--Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if 
  they already know everything

--Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs
  $10 just to repair

--A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell

--The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep

--Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer.  It's
  called a clothes line

--Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others

--Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the
  bill for them

--Four-word story of failure:  Hired, tired, mired, fired

--For every judge operating in an official capacity, there
  are 100 who are self-appointed

--It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are
  most likely to be remembered

--The more you know, the more you know you ought to know

--The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet

--The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 9/6/97     
Len Campbell writes: "Mother Teresa had a dream:  she died and went
to heaven, but St. Peter sent her back saying, "There are no slums in
heaven."  I think that THIS time, he'll keep her!
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Theodora Davitt-Cornyn]

Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier [part one]


Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not
in the living room.

Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in
the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of
all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may
eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may
drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any
food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
eat in the living room.


Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.  Neither
raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
abomination to me.  Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will
dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to
make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say
unto you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same
to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.
 I say again unto you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with
it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.  And
though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them
upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed me; for if you sit like
that, your hair will go into the syrup.  And now behold, even as I have
said, it has come to pass.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 9/7/97     
[forwarded by Theodora Davitt-Cornyn]

Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier [part two]


Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.  But of
the unclean plate, the laws are these:

If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each
bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas,
eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your
potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you
shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still
you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork,
that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into
iniquity.  And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.


On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.  If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say unto you, scream not,
only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to
you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain
from screaming.  Though the vileness overwhelms you, and causes you a faint
unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your
face, nor press your fingers to your nose.  For even I have made the fish as
it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.


Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
that I may more easily wash you off.  For the stains are upon you; even to
the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.  And in the breast pocket
of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.  Give each finger in its turn
for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.  Lo, how iniquitous they
appear.  What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have
done.


Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.  Neither drink of your own bath
water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
it with tape?  And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between the light and the book.  Indeed, you will drive me to madness.  Nor
forget what I said about the tape.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 9/8/97     
[from HAND!] On Lawyers and Politics

  My Attorney is brilliant. He didn't bother graduating from law
  school. He settled out of class !!!

  Only a lawyer could write documents with more than ten thousand
  words and call them briefs !!!

  "Do you believe in capital punishment ???"
  "Only if it's not to severe !!!"

  A Lawyer comes in handy when a felon needs a friend.

  A man walks past a grave and reads the writing on the tombstone. It
  says, "Here lies an attorney and an honest man." The man muses, "How
  did they get two of them in one Grave ???"

  One lawyer's client believed in reincarnation. In his will he left
  everything to himself !!!

  The most important thing in a campaigning is sincerity,
  whether you mean it or not !

  "Sir, if elected, what will you do about the prostitution bill ?"
  "I'll pay it !!!"

  A political machine is a device invented by men who
  don't like to work !

  You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time.
  During an election is just about often enough.

  It was shortly before the election. Reporters seemed
  to be having trouble getting one candidate to give straight
  answerers to questions. Finally they corned him and
  demanded a straight response to any question, not
  necessarily even a political question. One reporter asked,
  "What is your favorite color ? You can give us a straight
  answer to that, can't you ?"
     The candidate said, "Certainly. My favorite color is plaid !"

  Our candidate for Congress always puts his best
  foot forward -- as soon as he can get it out of his
  mouth !

  Nowadays a politician is a guy who divides his time
  between running for office and running for cover.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 9/9/97     
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
       Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true, of an all-Yiddish
speaking Canada.
       David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...they have no holidays.
       Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So,
for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and
amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
       Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will
not bar a man from the White House, unless of course the man is Jewish.
       Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic; if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you
live in Butte Montana you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
       Lenny Bruce
+--------------------------------------+
[From anola, via EcuLaugh]

   After God created the world, s/he came down to check out his/her
creations in the Garden of Eden. S/he came across 2 snakes, one was male
and the other female, but still they weren't rejoicing. So S/he asked them,
"Come on, now, why are you not being fruitful and multiplying?"
   
   To which the snakes replied, "Well, you see, sir/Mam, we are adders, and
therefore we do not know how to multiply!"
   
   God said, "I see." And s/he sat and thought.
   
   Suddenly, s/he jumped up and declared, "I have an idea!"  With that,
s/he disappeared around a few trees and for 6 more days and 6 more nights,
the two snakes heard sawing and hammering and all sorts of industrious
sounds.
   Finally, God reappeared to the 2 snakes and placed in front of them a
well-built surface with legs of the sturdy branches of the indigenous trees.
   
   S/he announced, "There,now!  With a log table, even adders can
multiply!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 9/10/97    
[from STEPHEN SMITH, via EcuLaugh]

From a friend of our church secretary:


I have noticed with growing alarm a growing state of confusion
surrounding the distribution of communion.  As someone with a keen
interest in the correct  and  proper procedures, let me take a few
moments and explain EXACTLY how things are supposed to work.

All baptized persons are welcome to receive  Holy Communion as long as
they believe in the Real Presence of Christ as either Risen Lord,
Rabbinic Authority, Holy Spirit Person, or Great Ethical Teacher.

After this is confirmed by recitation of the Catechism and Augsberg
Confession  from memory, you may proceed to the altar rail.

If  you  prefer  to  receive communion under the conventional species
of Bread (St. Mary's   Convent,   Wahoo, Nebraska) and Wine (Ernest
and Julio Gallo  Classic  Port, California, 1994) please stand or
kneel with your hands by your sides at the rail.

If the nitrates in the port induce nasal congestion a light Chablis
(Sutter Home, 1993) or Zinfandel Paul Mason, April) is offered
depending on availability. Please indicate this preference by placing
your right hand behind your head.

Two  non-alcoholic  selections options are also offered. For red grape
juice (Tucker's Berry Farms), place your  left hand behind your head.
If you prefer a white, pasteurized grape juice product, kindly place
both hands behind your head.  To express solidarity with oppressed
farm workers in the grape industry, place both hands tightly over your
mouth and hum "Les Marseille".

To receive an ordinary, unleavened communion wafer kindly wink your
right eye as the minister approaches. For a certified organic,
whole-grain wafer, wink your left eye. For low salt, low fat bread,
close both eyes for the remainder of the service. For gluten-free
bread, blink both eyes rapidly while staring at the ceiling.

Children may receive a blessed animal cracker by showing the minister
that they can cross their eyes. Parents who are concerned about the
violence implied in eating animal shaped foods may join a support
session that will try, to lobby the church for change. It meets in the
Parish Hail on Tuesday evenings after the C.S. Lewis Reading Group.

Unfortunately, we have had to discontinue the distribution of blessed
Gummy Bears to the children after Billy Watson's recent diagnosis of
A.D.D.   We are sure everyone understands how traumatic it would be
for him to receive his toasted rice cake while all other children were
chewing their Gummy Bears.

Next, a word on consumption of the host.  If it is your custom and
preference to have the Precious Body placed in your hands, please cup
them together in front of you. If you are expressing a wine
preference, the minister will allow you ample time change  postures.  
If you  feel uncomfortable holding the Lord in your hands, simple
assume the baby bird  position  as  the  minister approaches. Be sure
not to extend your neck so far that the server cannot see your eyelids
by which you will express your bread preference.

Finally, for those with airborne allergies you should know that the
Associate Rector wears large amounts of Royal Copenhagen given to him
by his mother at Christmas.. The Rector may or may not be wearing
cologne, but her mother has been known to wash her cassock in scented
laundry detergent and dry it with a Downy sheet in the machine. The
Deacon is wearing all cotton garments washed in pure, organic soap and
rinsed with mountain spring water. She is wearing no scented products
and  scrubs  her  hands  with antibacterial soap approved for use in
neonatal intensive care nurseries.

At St. George's it is our commitment to see that the worship
experience will be as meaningful, efficient, and error free as
possible.  In this vein, an electronic billboard will soon be
installed in over the altar outlining these instructions.  Please note
that traditional options flash in blue and organic food options flash
in orange for easy reference.

If anyone has any additional questions about worship, please join me
for coffee in the Parish Hall where I will be beginning a 32 week
series entitled "Identifying 13th Century Monastic Communities Through
Hair and Garment Analysis"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 9/11/97    
God I know we are your chosen people but couldn't you choose somebody
else for a change?
       Shalom Aleichem

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
       Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty
years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the middle east
that has no oil!
       Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother
       Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
       Fran Lebowitz

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
       Benjamin Disreali

Its so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then
 don't say it.
       Sam Levenson
+--------------------------------------+
A young female disciple undertook to develop the meditation on loving-kindness.  Sitting in her
small room, she would fill her heart with loving-kindness for all beings yet each day as she went to
the bazaar to gather her food, she would find her loving-kindness sorely tested by one shopkeeper
who would daily subject her to unwelcome caresses.  One day she could stand no more and began
to chase the shopkeeper down the road with her upraised umbrella.  To her mortification she
passed her teacher standing on the side of the road observing this spectacle.  Shame-faced she
went to stand before him expecting to be rebuked for her anger.

"What you should do," her teacher kindly advised her, "is to fill your heart with loving-kindness,
and with as much mindfulness as you can muster, hit this unruly fellow over the head with your
umbrella."
+--------------------------------------+
[from LORD PICO via "Geoff's Joke List"]

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed.  His  mother is very
concerned about how he will take the news.  Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and
tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." 

To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 9/12/97    
[from  Kitty's Daily Mews, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

  This amateur astronomer was very frustrated by his neighbor Lorraine who would insist of
burning her garden waste late in the evening so smoke from her fire drifted across the sky in front
of his telescope.

  Eventually she moved, so now he's happy and as he gazes at the heavens he sings quietly to
himself:  "I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone".
+--------------------------------------+
[from Ernest Dobkins, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

 ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
     
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you.

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not
sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the
machine did not work.

"Hi. Now you say something."

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and try again.

This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up
on you if leave a boring message.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at
home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on
and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say
is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep
mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller,  that you will never
have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you
call me...
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 9/13/97    
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

BTW I assume you heard the news that Intel and Hershey have merged.  The first new product
will be an 8 meg chocolate chip.  The initial applications will be in eat-only memories.
+--------------------------------------+
[by Sarah McClellan]

Learn to listen like a Teddy Bear,
With ears open and mouth closed tight.
Learn to forgive like a Teddy Bear,
With hearts open, not caring who is right.
Learn to love like a Teddy Bear,
With arms open and imperfect sight!
+--------------------------------------+
A certain conqueror said to Nasrudin: "Mulla, all the great rulers of the past had honorific titles
with the name of God in them: there was, for instance, God-Gifted, and God-Accepted, and so
on.  How about some such name for me?"

"God Forbid," said Nasrudin.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Gregory Singleton, via REHU]

How long, O Sysop?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide my URLs from me?
How long shall I have perplexity in my
Netscape And grief in my TCP, day after day?
How long shall "Forbidden" triumph over me?

Look upon me and answer me, O Sysop;
Give permission to my pages, less I sleep in death;

Lest those who seek me on the Web say,
"Netscape has prevailed over him"
and my foes rejoice that I am "Forbidden."

But I put my trust in your mercy;
My heart is joyful because of your saving help.

I will sing to the Sysop,
For he has dealt with me richly;
I will praise his name.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 9/14/97    
A century ago, a young student at the great Oxford University in England was taking an
important examination in religious studies.  The examination question for this day was to write
about the religious and spiritual meaning in the miracle of Christ turning water into wine.  For two
hours he sat in the crowded classroom while other students filled their pages with long essays, to
show their understanding.  The exam time was almost over and this one student had not written a
single word.  The proctor came over to him and insisted that he commit something to the paper
before turning it in.  The young Lord Byron simply picked up his hand and penned the following
line:
        "The water met its Master, and blushed."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Mike Porter, via HAND!]

  Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century

  Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
  Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
  Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
  Anglican - They were our toys first.
  Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
  Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
  Atheism - There is no toy maker. 
  Polytheism - There are many toy makers. 
  Evolutionism - The toys made themselves. 
  Church of Christ,  Scientist - We are the toys. 
  Communism - Everyone gets the same  number of toys, and you go
    straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
  B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
  Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
  Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
  Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
  Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
  Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
  Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
  7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
  Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses. 
  Baptist - Once played, always played. 
  Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, 
    wins. 
  Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins. 
  Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
  Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer
    dry. 
  Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from,
    let's just play with them.
  Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
    difference.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 9/15/97    
   Have you heard about the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac who stayed awake
nights wondering if there really was a DOG? 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

Portion of court transcript from a murder trial:

Defense Attorney interrogating witness (the coroner):  Before you signed the
death certificate, did you check the man's pulse?

Coroner:  No.

Attny:  Before you signed the death certificate, did you check the man's
breathing?

Coroner:  No.

Attny:  Before you signed the death certificate, did you check the man's
heart?

Coroner:  No.

Attny:  Then can't we safely assume that when you signed the death
certificate, you were not really sure if the man was, in fact, dead?

Coroner:  Well.......his brain was in a jar on my table....BUT!!---I suppose
it could be possible that he was still alive and impersonating an
attorney.....
+--------------------------------------+
[from Ken Brousseau Sr. via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

MUSINGS
by George Carling

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the
Caesarian Section.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.

George Washington's brother was the Uncle of Our Country.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less
crowded, and has a better view.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 9/16/97    
[from  Bits & Pieces, August 18, 1994, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano.  His
friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate.  He pounded
out a crashing march.  Immediately there came a banging on the wall and
a shrill voice screamed, "Stop that noise.  Don't you know it's 1:30 in
the morning?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Hoyt Sherwin, via EcuLaugh]

The Catholic Chaplain left the Chapel doors open during his evening
service and a stray cat came in.  Overnight it left an offering in the
middle of the floor.

After discovering things the next day,  it took the Protestant Chaplain, a
plumber and a maintenance man to capture and remove the wild cat.

The Protestant Chaplain told the Catholic Chaplain he could keep the
offering since the cat had attended  the Catholic service.  However, he
wondered if he died from the bites and scratches if there should be a
Protestant service or a Catholic service.

The Catholic Chaplain responded it would have to be a cat-lick service.
+--------------------------------------+
[From David Sprang, via EcuLaugh]

THE TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU VISITED THE WRONG CHURCH ON SUMMER
VACATION

10) The sancturary has only entrances, no "exits"!
9)  The offering plate is passed three times and the sermon hasn't even
     begun yet.
8)  The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"!
7)  The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.
6)  The bulletin had advertizments for THE GUNS AND GUTS TAVERN with the
     the Sunday ROAD KILL Buffett!
5)  The acolyte is the youngest member of the congregation, and she is
     78.
4)  The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you  about my book."
3)  The pastor announces that the liturgy will be sung to the tune of
     either:  "Wagner's Etude in F sharp minor and raises his baton"
     OR "Jesus is a friend just like my pickup and hound dog"
2)  The pastor announces that the sancturary is too warm for robes and
     removes hers, and she is wearing a halter top and hot pants.
1)  When the choir sings the dogs outside begin to howl, and they sound
     better!!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 9/17/97    
Don't be humble, you are not that great.
       Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's his business.
       Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen
days I had lost exactly two weeks.
       Joe E. Lewis
+----------------------------------------+
[from Diana M. Hagewood Smith, via EcuLaugh]
   
   A couple had a well-loved dog who died.  They wanted to get another
well-trained dog, so when the husband  saw an ad for a well-trained dog for
$400, he decided to respond.  The ad said to send the $400 to Oral Roberts.
This seemed a lit tle odd, but the man wanted the dog, so he did it, and
got a beautiful Great Dane.  The first time he took the dog for a
 walk, he said, "Heel!"  The dog jumped up and put both paws on his head. 
+----------------------------------------+
[from Max, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids.
The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain.
The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.  They thought one
of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.  So a group of
Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say
one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the
Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another
delagation, this time led by the local priest.  But alas, as they approached
the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish.
Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another
land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.  The Rabbi
arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.  The ogre saw them
coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.  The
Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone
had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.  The ogre
laughed and replied:

      "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 9/18/97    
When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the
cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.

And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.

Then God said to him, "Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their
condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

 Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough  to take the trucking
company (responsible for the accident) to court.In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was
questioning farmer Joe.

 Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded,
"Well I'll tell you what happened.  I had  just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

 "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."  "Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

 Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

 The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene
of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several  weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he  is a fraud. Please tell
him to simply answer the question."

 By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer  and said to the lawyer, "I'd
like to hear what he has to say about his  favorite mule Bessie."

 Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

 Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her then he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.

 Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

 He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 9/19/97    
[From EcuLaugh]

  A State Senator asked an influential Pastor, "What can the government do to help the Church?"
   The Pastor replied, "Quit printing One Dollar bills!" 
+-------------------------------+
 [From "The most IrReverent" John Barkett, via EcuLaugh]

A new elder, recently ordained, decided it was time to get involved in a little evangelical work. So
he went out and hit the streets. He came upon a very mature (old if you are politically incorrect) 
gentleman sitting on the porch in his rocking chair . . . 
   
   Elder: Sir, Are you a Christian?
   Gentleman: No, I'm a Smith. The Christians live two doors down.
   Elder: I mean are you lost?
   Gentleman: Sonny, I couldn't be lost. I've lived her over 27 years.
   Elder: But aren't you concerned about the judgement day?
   Gentleman: When's that gonna be?
   Elder: It could be today, or it could be tommorrow.
   Gentleman: Now don't tell my wife, she will want to go both days. 
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg, on REHU]

I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:

"I have good news, and I have bad news.
First, the bad news: we need a new roof.
Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!
(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)
Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dave Young, via GCFL]

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.  When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the
cup.  She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking
up is soldiers in your cup!'"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 9/20/97    
[from "A Joke A Day"]

911 Call

     A  911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything.
Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the
phone in whispering  voice ...

[barely audible] Hello!

(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?

[barely audible] "No."

(Operator) "Why not?"

[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"

(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"

[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"

(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Talking to the police."

(Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?"

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?"

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) "Why not?"

[barely audible] "Because they are really busy."

(Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Talking to the firemen."

(Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?"

[barely audible] "No."

(Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?"

[barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!"

(Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Looking for me!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 9/21/97    
[From "GIGGLES" via "A Joke A Day"]

Hymn Happy 

  The Dentist's Hymn
  "Crown Him with Many Crowns"

  The TV Weatherman's Hymn
  "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"

  The Contractor's Hymn
  "The Church's one Foundation"

  The Tailor's Hymn
  "Holy, Holy, Holy"

  The Golfer's Hymn
  "There is a Green Hill Far Away"

  The Politician's Hymn
  "Standing on the Promises"

  The Optometrist's Hymn
  "Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"

  The IRS Hymn
  "All to Thee"

  The Gossiper's Hymn
  "Pass it On"

  The Electrician's Hymn
  "Send the Light"

  The Shopper's Hymn
  "Sweet by and by"

 If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:

  at 45 mph....
  "God Will Take Care of Me"

  at 55 mph....
  "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"

  at 65 mph....
  "Nearer My God to Thee"

  at 75 mph...
  "Nearer Still Nearer"

  at 85 mph...
 "This World is not my Home"

  at 95 mph....
  "Lord, I'm Coming Home"

  at 100 mph....
  "Precious Memories"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 9/22/97    
[from HAND!]

              High School Vs College

25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college,
    food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder;
    in college, on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer
    without looking at the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents.
    In college, you get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain
    lunch line to be cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't
    heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take.
    In college, you get to choose; that is, as long
    as the classes don't conflict and you have the
    prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and
    you've paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually
    sweet-talk your way out of it. In college,
    you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration;
    in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when
    the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your
     grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you
    mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning,"
    you write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,
    senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
    schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure
    out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to
    find them there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much
   more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you
   know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three
   meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from
   Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't
   need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh,
   sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not
   allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you
   can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 9/23/97    
[from Audrey Nickel, via EcuLaugh]

   Three men languished in Purgatory.  After a while, they began talking to
one another.  Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by
internees everywhere: "Whaddya in for?"
   
   The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said "Allah forgive
me!  I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch."
   
   The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said "May the
Master of the Universe be truly merciful!  I am a Jew, and I had a
ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch."
   
   The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in
abject misery.  The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to
shaking him, shouting "Come on man!  What did you do that was so awful?"
   
   The third guy, choking back a sob, said "I guess I may as well tell you
guys...you've been so honest with me.  I'm an Episcopalian and, God help
me, I used the wrong fork!" 
+--------------------------------------+
[from JOHN RAMSEY, via EcuLaugh]
 
CONCORDAT HEARING--August 15, 1997, 8:30 p.m.
ELCA CHURCHWIDE ASSEMBLY
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Opening remarks by Richard Jeske--

[There is] Holy Trinity on East Side (Episc) and Holy Trinity of which he
was pastor. [They] started to have joint services on the nonSunday
festivals.  After the All Saints services they would sit down together.
One Lutheran septuagenarian, Astrid Bliss, "Oh yes, all saints, when I lose
something I pray to St. Anthony I find it."  Silent.  "Two weeks ago I
prayed to him and I found my wallet."  Someone said, "Now we don't agree
you pray to the saints, do we, as Lutherans?"  And quickly, the response
came: "Yes, well, we just pray to Jesus and he asks St. Anthony to find it
for us."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 9/24/97    
[from NickNack82, via "A Joke A Day"]

     The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the
preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils
involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

     "I'm going to describe something to you.  Let's see if you can guess what it
is.   First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

     The children looked at her blanky.

     "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

     No response.  This wasn't going well at all!

     "I'm usually brown or gray, but sometimes I can be black or red."

     Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good
about coming up with the answers.  "Michelle, what do you think?"

     Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the
answer has to be Jesus-but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Seshadri Narasimhan via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

Why did Mickey Mouse go to space?
To find Pluto!

What do Disney toons drive in?
A mini van.

Why did the giraffe cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida!

Why did the clown tell jokes to the egg?
Because he wanted to crack it up!

Why do golfers bring an extra pair of pants?
Just in case one of them gets a hole in one!

Once a man put broccoli up his nose, cucumber on his eyes and carrots in
his ears. Then he went to his doctor and said, "I don't feel well".  The
doctor said, "That's because you're eating wrong!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 9/25/97    
[from Paul Reps' _Zen Flesh, Zen Bones_, via Tom Bombadil]

Provided he makes and wins an argument about Buddhism with those who
live there, any wandering monk can remain in a Zen temple. If he is
defeated, he has to move on.

In a temple in the northern part of Japan, two brother monks were
dwelling together. The elder one was learned, but the younger one
was stupid and had but one eye.

A wandering monk came and asked for lodging, properly challenging
them to a debate about the sublime teaching. The elder brother, tired
that day from much studying, told the younger one to take his place.
"Go and request the dialogue in silence," he cautioned.

So the young monk and the stranger went to the shrine and sat down.

Shortly afterwards, the traveler rose and went in to the elder
brother and said: "Your young brother is a wonderful fellow. He
defeated me."

"Relate the dialogue to me," said the elder one.

"Well," explained the traveler, "first I held up one finger,
representing Buddha, the enlightened one.  So he held up two
fingers, signifying Buddha and his teaching. I then held up three
fingers, representing Buddha, his teaching, and his followers, living
the harmonious life. Then he shook his clenched fist in my face,
indicating that all three come from one realization. Thus he won and
so I have no right to remain here." 

With this, the traveler left.

"Where is that fellow?" asked the younger one, running in to his
elder brother.

"I understand you won the debate."

"Won nothing. I'm going to beat him up."

"Tell me the subject of the debate," asked the elder one.

"Why, the minute he saw me, he held up one finger, insulting me by
insinuating that I have only one eye! Since he was a stranger, I
thought I would be polite to him. So I held up two fingers,
congratulating him that he has two eyes. Then the impolite wretch
held up three fingers, suggesting that between us we only have three
eyes. So I got mad and started to punch him, but he ran out, and that
ended it!" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 9/26/97    
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your
pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
       Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
       Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy
something.
       Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve imortality through my work. I want to achieve
imortality through not dying.
       Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
institution?
       Groucho Marx
+--------------------------------------+
[from "A Joke A Day"]

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived
in a small town to preach a sermon.  Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a
young boy where the post office was.  When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham
thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you
can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

     "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.  "You don't even know your way
to the post office."
+--------------------------------------+
[from JOHN SALMON, via EcuLaugh]

    Down in Kentucky, a visitor stopped in the local library and said she'd
like a good book on Kentucky.  

    The librarian thought about a book named for the state bird and said,
"I would suggest "A Kentucky Cardinal", by James Lane Allen. 

    "Oh, I don't want a book on church history," said the woman. 

    "But this cardinal was a bird," the librarian answered.  

    The woman shot back, "Well, I certainly don't want a book on church
scandal!"
+-------------------------------------------+
**** Sat 9/27/97    
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
+--------------------------------------+
Real Trekkers work out at the He's Dead Gym.
+--------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

Townsend, the developer of the laser, was once asked if he didn't
have a tremendous sense of achievement in all he had accomplished
with his invention; such as methods for precision measurements, laser
disc, weapons technology, etc.

He remarked not really, he said that he could easily identify with
the beaver and relayed the following story:

The beaver and chipmunk happened upon the Hoover Dam while out
strolling one day. They were caught off-guard, completely overwhelmed
with amazement and awe at the size and magnificence of this
structure.

Once the beaver recovered, he remarked, "well, actually, I didn't
build it myself,  but it's based upon an idea of mine."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Liz on REHU]

Catalogers have no humor, it is often said, but I just looked at the book _The encyclopedia of
snakes_ and it is QL666!  The number of the beast, for snakes.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Clark Kilgard, via EcuLaugh]

There was this man that had difficulty making descisions:

1. His parents asked him whether he wanted to go to public or private
school.  He decided to go private...hated it.

2. On to college: Harvard or Yale? Harvard or Yale?  He became a
Yalie...hated it.

3. He thought about getting married: Blonde or Rehead? etc. Finally decided
on the redhead...it was terrible, ended in divorce.

4. He has to travel across country on business:  Which airline?  American
or TWA?  He chooses American.  Somewhere over Nebraska, the engines fall
off, the pilot announces that they are going down.  The man who hates
decisions begins to pray: "Saint Francis...save me!"

A voice comes from heaven: "Saint Francis of Assisi or St. Francis Xavier?"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 9/28/97    
[from Jim Newman, via EcuLaugh]
  The Book of Creation, Chapter 1
   
1    In the beginning God created Dates.
   
2    And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
   
3    And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there
     was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to
     work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
   
4    And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
     limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and
     Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and
     those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first
     Work Day.
   
5    And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had
     not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided
     from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have
     made in the earth; but not too deep.
   
6    And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.
   
7    And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
   
8    And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and
     that was that.
   
9    And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the
     Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
     through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
     carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter;
     and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
   
10   And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
     from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like
     manganese nodules, for instance.
   
11   And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
     Wednesday.
   
12   And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
     creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without
     wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now;
     and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make
     whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
   
13   And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and
     small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet
     and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
     brontosauruses.
   
14   But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve
     Not.
   
15   And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth
     was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species
     compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And
     the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping
     things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
     dinosaurs and God was pleased.
   
16   And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
     mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took
     every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become
     fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
  
17   And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt
     God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.
 
18   And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had
     put in another good day's work.
   
19   And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which
     is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make
     monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and
     ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the
     monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or
     otherwise.
   
20   So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of
     hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
   
21   And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which
     is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it
     giveth you ideas.
   
22   And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have
     given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
     they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the
     flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus
     shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
   
23   And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
     and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
     accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
     billions of years.
   
24   And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day
     yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.
   
   Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain without the
express written consent of the Lord thy God. The name "the Lord thy God" 
is the sole property of the Lord thy God. Any use of the name of the Lord 
thy God without the express written consent of the Lord thy God is 
unauthorised and illegal and shall be punish by the Lord thy God.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 9/29/97    
[from ELLIS KECK, via Eculaugh]

A personable young divinity student went fishing one day, accompanied by
two extremely pretty young ladies.  A old fisherman down stream noticed
that they hadn't had as much as a nibble in two hours and commented,
"You're not catching many are you?"  The Divinity student explained rather
sharply, "I am, sir, a fisher of men."  The old man nodded and remarked,
"Well, son, you certainly have the right bait."
+--------------------------------------+
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
       Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to
it.
       Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know hwo to run this country are busy
driving taxis and cutting hair.
       George Burns
+--------------------------------------+
[from Walt, on REHU]

"Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they have six bullets of .45 caliber."
+--------------------------------------+
About all I can say about the United States Senate is that it opens with
a prayer, and closes with an investigation.  --Will Rogers

Question:  Why did the Israelites wander 40 years in the desert?
Answer:  Even then the men would not stop and ask for directions.

Preacher:  a person who talks is someone else's sleep.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they
should be as close together as possible.  --George Burns

Few sinners are saved after the first 20 minutes of a sermon.  --Mark
Twain

If God can make it on 10%, why not the government?  --Spotted on a
bumper sticker by Bob Heltman
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 9/30/97    
[from Mary Felix]

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of
being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, take out 10% of the beans.  Men: to prepare for paternity, go
to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter,
and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go
home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the
last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.
At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to
sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up
again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until
4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful!!

4. Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fishstick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick  your fingers
in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons.  How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all
morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last,
take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco
Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations.
You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Corvette and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them
down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue
and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've
had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare
at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about
ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
soggy Zweiback crackers and attempt to spoon them into the swaying
melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the
Zweibacks are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a
lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month
old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam
and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
+--------------------------------------+
