HUMOR12 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at	CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 10/1/97	
from a thread on REHU

[unmarked parts are from Elizabeth, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & 
Weird List, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

BIRTHDAY BELIEF SYSTEMS

IDEALISM:  Happy Birthday.

CAPITALISM:  I shopped all day for your birthday.

COMMUNISM:  We only celebrate Lenin's birthday. (Trefor)

CORPORATE AMERICA:  Happy birthday. You're fired. (John B.)

AGNOSTICISM:  I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not. (Trefor)

ATHEISM:  I can't believe it's your birthday.

HINDUISM:  Holy Cow!  Is it your birthday?

HINDUISM:  Ever get that feeling you've been born before? (Barbara)

TAOISM:  It's everybody's birthday.

BUDDHISM:  If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody
came... would it make a sound?

CATHOLICISM:   Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes. (Trefor)

CATHOLICISM:  If your parents used birth control, you wouldn't
              even _have_ a birthday, so there! (Barbara)

CATHOLICISM:  It's your birthday but you don't deserve a cake
              or even this greeting card. (Barbara)

EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you!
                 Care for some Dry Sack?      (Swedie)

LUTHERANISM:  I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't
				need to send cards and gifts, right?  (Barbara)
EXISTENTIALISM:  Your birthday means nothing to me.

FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?  (Susan P)

SARCASM:  You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:  Knock! Knock!  Happy Birthday!  (Teresa)

MORMONS:  Which birthday are we talking about?
          the spirit world or the current one?  (Trefor)

QUAKERS:  I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday. (Brenda)

UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS:  Have any kind of birthday you want. (Brenda)

WICCANS:  Have the Earth Mother of all birthdays! (David S)

SATANIC CHURCH OF AMERICA:  It's not my birthday, so screw off! 
		(David S)

GNOSTICS:  It's your birthday, but don't tell anyone--
         It's a secret! (David S)

KABBALISTS:  Another step on the tree of life? Geez,
             how many branches up are you?           (David S)

MASONS:  I'll wish you a happy birthday, but first
         --show me the sign.              (David S)

LEWIS CARROLL:  A very happy unbirthday to you! 
		(and you and you and you).		(Trefor)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thur 10/2/97	
[first set is forwarded by RONALD A. VEENKER, via REHU]

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the
house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious insensitivity.  Instead,
this coming Rosh Hashannah, consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than 18 minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davening off tune, Flat Bread
For acting holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

[added by Swedie]

For sins of pettiness and meanness, Crumb Buns
For watching too many porn films, Cherry Danish
For the sin of masturbation, Pita or Hot Dog Rolls
For abstinence, Naan
For lame excuses, Limpa
For womanizing, Tarts
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 10/3/97	
[from Mark Huth, via REHU]

I am Popeye of Borg.  Prepare to be askimilgrated.

Borger King.  We do it our way.  Yours is irrelevant.

I got assimilated by the Borg and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.
+--------------------------------------+
[from InJesusName, via "A Joke A Day"]

  How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
  when someone threw a gun at him?

  If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many 
  clothes?

  Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?

  Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?

  What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

  IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of
  PROGRESS?

  Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISHWASHING 
  LIQUID contains real lemons.

  How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it.

  Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of.

  Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it.

  Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?

  Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.

  Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"

  Whose cruel idea was it for the word  "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

  What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 10/4/97	
[ From Rev. Floyd W. Churn, via EcuLaugh]

   The Belated Blessing (for meals already underway)
   
   The bride and groom had asked me to say the blessing at their wedding reception. The smooth DJ/MC forgot...went right on to the best man's toast. About halfway through the meal, a family
member realized no blessing had been said over the food that was being eaten. The DJ was informed and apologetically came to me and asked if it were too late for me to have the blessing.
   
   "Not at all." (But I scrapped the blessing I had prepared and went to plan B): "We thank you tonight, Lord, in the words of the Psalmist: 'Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name.'" 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Naomi, on REHU]

Why am I always tired???

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. the leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that
leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there just reading your email.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 10/5/97	
[From RONALD A. VEENKER, via REHU]

WE ARE THE VERY MODEL OF TODAY'S EPISCOPALIAN
(Tune: Gilbert & Sullivan, "I am the Very Model of a Modern
Major-General")

We are the very model of today's Episcopalian,
We're broad and high and low and wide and somewhat Bacchanalian;
We're mystic and political, and secular and clerical;
We may be charismatic, but we seldom get hysterical.
We're traditonal and radical and socialist-monarchical;
We're protestant and catholic, but please, not too hierarchical.
About a woman Bishop we are split with lots of different views,
As well as on the Prayer Book that our rectors say we gotta use!

Chorus (3 times):
As well as on the Prayer Book that our rectors say we gotta use!

We're prosperous: by daily work; our affluence is merited,
Abetted by the little bit that some of us inherited.
The portion that we give the Church is best described as comical;
But please don't call us stingy, we are simply economical

Chorus:
The portion that we give the Church is best described as comical;
But please don't call us stingy, we are simply economical.
We are the very model of today's Episcopalian!

We do our work while modestly proclaiming our own praises in
Committee and Convention. We're a competent and cheerful band
We always have a fifth around when three or four are near at hand.
We're known for our diversity and heterogeneity.
(Please don't confuse that funny word with sex and spontaneity!)
On subjects controversial you won't find many who agree,
Since each Episcopalian's sure he's got God's own authority

Chorus (3 times):
Since each Episcopalian's sure he's got God's own authority.

We're educated, talented, creative and professional;
So sure of our salvation that we don't need the Confessional.
Polite and openminded towards believers strange and alien,
We save up our intolerance for other 'Piscopalians!

Chorus:
Polite and openminded towards believers strange and alien,
We save up our intolerance for other 'Piscopalians.


We're sophisticated talkers now on matters ecumenical,
In spite of being vague about our vows catechumenical.
The Anglican tradition is to most of us a mystery:
How can we glitter socially and still find time for history?
Don't ask us what we signify with chants doxicological.
They sound so grand it must be something deeply theological!
We try to carry on with just the Parables and Golden Rule,
While hoping in the future we'll find time to teach in Sunday School.

Chorus (3 times):
While hoping in the future we'll find time to teach in Sunday School.

Our clergy do our ministries and actions apostolical,
While we argue over liturgy and colors all aesthetical,
Yet, every day, everywhere, dapper or tatterdemalion
You'll see us modeling the best:  today's Episcopalian.

Chorus:
Yet, every day, everywhere, dapper or tatterdemalion
You'll see us modeling the best:  today's Episcopalian.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 10/6/97	
[from Lynn]

You Know You're a Mother When . . . .

  1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're
      equal.

  2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time.

  3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

  4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.

  5. Some one else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

  6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

  7. You've mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes and eggs
      on a plate without anything touching.

  8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby
      of Grand Central Station and you do it.

  9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, your child chews his
      toast into the shape of a gun.

 10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

 11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

 12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

 13. You find yourself cutting your husbands' sandwiches into cute shapes.

 14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

 15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
      "NOT in your good clothes!"

 16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

 17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

 18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages,
      then spend half the night checking on the kids.

 19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

 20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know
      you wouldn't trade it for anything.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 10/7/97	
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they
deserve everything they've stolen
       Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
       Milton Berle
+--------------------------------------+
[from a bunch of people, but Naomi sent it in first]

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and
ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition.
Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly
after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He
is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a
silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an
ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches
out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires,
taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is
elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to
him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but
they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was 
shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but,
as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.  

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics 
are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between
us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you,
what is it all about?"  

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. 
The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history." 

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of 
wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and 
discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed. 

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the
curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi
reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.They both
gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 10/8/97	
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
      (uncredited)

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth
even if it costs them their jobs.
       Sam Goldwyn
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

 Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

14. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

13. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.  

12. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.   

11. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 
  
10. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.    

9. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing       
www.pethouse.com instead of working.    

8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.   

7. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.    

6. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail       
wagging.    

5. Three words Carpal Paw Syndrome.     

4. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...     

3. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the        
question!     

2. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver     

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.        
(Too D@#$ Hard To Type with paws!)   
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 10/9/97	
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

These student bloopers are genuine, authentic & untouched.  (None, of course, was written by your child or any youngster in your school district, at least I don't think so.)  It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world, or old scholars in the nursing homes.
 
 In the first book of the Bible, GUNINESSIS, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.  Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.  Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.  Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.  Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
 
 The Jews were a proud people & throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.  Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.  Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
 
 Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments (some adults think it was ten suggestions). The
 1st Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.  The 5th Commandment is humor thy father & mother.  The 7th Commandment is thou shall not ADMIT adultery.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.
 
 David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who live in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives & 700 porcupines.  When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.  When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.  St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
 
 Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.  He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."  It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead & managed to get the tomb stone off  the entrance.
 
 The people who followed the Load were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.  One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.  St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.  A Christian should have only one wife.  This is called monotony.
 
 Jesus taught His followers to pray. "Gives us this day our jelly bread" and we should "forgive the truck passes as the truck passes forgives us for passing them."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 10/10/97	
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

Now I lay me down to study,
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
If I should fail to learn this junk,
I pray the lord I will not flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all,
Just lay my bones down in the study hall.
Tell my teacher I did my best,
Then pile my books upon my chest.
Now I lay me down to rest,
And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Bits & Pieces, September 15, 1994, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

 After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the
victim.  She was asked to step aside by a man who step back please!  I
have had a course in First Aid."  The woman watched his procedures for a
few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.  "When you get to the part
about calling a doctor," she said, "I am already here." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from OwenKL@aol.com, via GCFL]

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer.
The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids.
 No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made
of brown wrapping paper.  Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and
vest were also made of paper.  As were his chaps, pants, and even his
boots, including the paper spurs.  Truth be told, even the saddle,
blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
.
.
.
.
.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 10/11/97	
[from JOHN SALMON, via EcuLaugh]

    The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was
informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to
attend.  He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed,
and began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Richard Hunt, via EcuLaugh]

   While vacationing in Michigan, my wife and I observed a bumper sticker
that gave us a good laugh.  In very large beautiful letters it proclaimed:
"J E S U S    L O V E S     Y O U !" Below, in very small letters, it
added:  "Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!"

   Now, when someone does something really bad or stupid, we just smile
knowingly and say, "O well, Jesus loves him/her!"
   Perhaps it isn't a bad thing that we get reminded when we are being the
"jerk" that Jesus still loves us.
+--------------------------------------+
[from John Hankums via REHU]

Sing to the tune "God Bless America":

I am an Anglican,
I am P-E.
Not a high church,
Not a low church,
But protestant, Episcopal, and free.
Not a Presby,
Not a Lutheran,
Not a Baptist----
White with foam!
I am an Anglican
Just one step from Rome---
I am an Anglican,
Just one step from Rome.
(But what a step--doo wah)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 10/12/97	
[from Emily Carder, via REHU]

        God is odd,
        Just like me.
        He is one,
        And He is three.

        But how grand
        It is to be
        An odd like me
        Held in His hand.
+--------------------------------------+
[from John Ramsey, via EcuLaugh]

Does your church practice "Football Christianity"?


THE QUARTERBACK SNEAK:  People who leave Mass before it s over without 
grave reason. 

DRAFT CHOICE: Choose a seat near the back door. 

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their 
bulletins during Mass. 

BENCH WARMER: Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday 
Mass. 

BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making two or three trips outside the Church during 
Mass. 

STAY IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the 
Church. 

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty 
minutes. 

THE BLITZ: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are 
closed. 
+---------------------------------+
**** Mon 10/13/97	
[found on the back of a box of Kroger Frosted Flakes.  Where THEY got them????  Supposedly all were at one time true, some are still current.]

No catching whales in Oklahoma.

Spitting against the wind in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan, is unlawful.

It is an infraction of the law to let rubbish collect on your roof in St. Louis, Missouri.

It is against the law to sleep in a refrigerator in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Startling a baby is illegal in Molie, Missouri.

In Louisiana, it is against the law to whistle on Sunday.

There was once a law in Iowa against women wearing corsets, and an official job of corset inspector, who went around poking women in the ribs to make sure they weren't wearing one!

It is illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room in California.

In Gary, Indiana, you're breaking the law if you attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.

You may not take your shoes off in a public theater in Winnetka, Illinois.

A son or daughter could receive the death penalty for disobeying a parent in 17th century Connecticut.

In Pocatello, Idaho, it is illegal to look unhappy.

You can spend a night or two in the Dunn, North Carolina, jail if you snore loud enough to disturb your neighbors.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road in Quitman, Georgia?  Because it's illegal.  [I assume for chickens....]

After dark in Berea, Ohio, dogs and cats must wear a red tail light.

It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in Massachusetts.  [However, if they call it something ELSE, I suppose....]

In Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are not allowed to eat onions during working hours.

No drawing funny faces on your window shades in Garfield County, Montana.

You are disobeying the law in Alabama if you wear a false mustache to church and it makes people laugh.

A legal kiss on the lips in Riverside, California, would require both parties to first wipe their lips with carbolized rose water.

In New Orleans, a fire engine must stop for a red light, even if it's on its way to a fire.

It is against the law to put pennies in your ears in Hawaii.

If you win the game, you can't keep the marbles in Ashland, Wisconsin.

You may not shoot clay pigeons during the breeding season in Kentucky.

Carry an unwrapped ukelele on the street in Salt Lake City, Utah, and you're breaking the law.

It is against the law for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub in Brooklyn, New York.

You cannot fish for trout from the back of a giraffe in Idaho.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 10/14/97	
[first part is from Allan, on REHU]

A note of scientific interest appears in the book London Under 
London, by Richard Trench and Ellis Hillman.

The first recorded use of electricity was in April 1746, when the
Abbe Nollet wired up a number of Carthusian monks in a 5400-foot
circle. The contortions on the faces of the monks, all of whom had
taken their Vow of Obedience, were judged sufficient proof that power
could be transmitted.

Obviously, further research is called for. Would the electrical
transmission have worked as well with Capuchin monks? Would it work
at all with Jesuits? With Anglicans? Primitive Baptist preachers? In
any event, subsequent research appears to have demonstrated that
copper is a somewhat more efficient transmitter of electricity than
Carthusian monks. Furthermore, copper is less expensive, even making
allowance for the Carthusian Vow of Poverty. Consider, for example,
the number of monks it would require to supply electricity to a city
of moderate size, such as Knoxville. In a way, this is a pity. It
would be inspiring to see the streets of Pigeon Forge bordered with
Carthusian monks, with lines of monks stretching along country
roads, bringing light (both electrical and spiritual) to the most
isolated farm-house. 
+-------------------------------------------+
[rest are from Swedie, on REHU]

Actually, they were *conducting* a prayer meeting. ;)
	------------------
I think it would have worked very well with Baptists. Imagine a couple
hundred gathered in one big circle, shouting, "I see the LIGHT!"

The Pentecostals would be pretty similar, but shouting instead (while
dancing to the volts): "I've got the POWER!"

Lutherans: "But we've ALWAYS used Carthusian monks."

Anglicans (high churh) would probably be standing ankle-deep in holy
water. Today's episcopalians would compare the conductive powers of
copper with, say, Harvey's Bristol Cream or Bloodies.

Methodists: "I want to be PERSONALLY wired. I don't need a group to
get turned on."

Jews: "Can we do this on the Sabbath? Let's check the Talmud."

Unitarians: "What turns YOU on?"

Catholics: Standing in a giant circle with the longest string of
rosary beads you can imagine . . .
Eastern/Greek Orthodox: Can you imagine standing like that for 5
HOURS?
	-----------------
> Would it work at all with Jesuits?

Absolutely. They are so well grounded in their faith.

For obvious reasons, it would NEVER work with the Amish.
+--------------------------------------+
[another from Swedie, on REHU]

Suppose those monks were engaged in a research study testing the effect
of prayer and conductivity on a light bulb.

Imagine a hundred monks gathered in a circle, each one grasping on to
the copper wire that made a circuit around the room. At the end of this
wire there is a light bulb.

They pray hard, they concentrate, the wire carries the impulses . . .
and the light goes on!!

The researcher would publish a paper in a leading journal:" Many Hands
Make Light Work."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 10/15/97	
[from TrekkerO, via "A Joke A Day"]

The Bell Ringer

Jean-Luc saw that there was an opening at Notre Dame for a bell ringer, so he
went to apply for the job.  When he arrived, the head bell ringer said, "How
can you do this job?  You have no arms!"  

"Where it is true I have no arms, I have taught myself to do wonderful things
without them.  All I do is get a running start and crash into the bell with
my head."

The head bell ringer thought this was very inventive and asked Jean-Luc to
give him a demonstration.  They climbed to the top of the bell tower, and,
just as he said, Jean-Luc backed up as far as he could and ran towards the
bells.  Unfortunately, he missed the bell and went hurtling down the bell
shaft where he hit the ground and was instantly killed.  A crowd gathered.
 "Who is he?  Who is he?" was the question everyone was asking.  Finally some
said, "I don't know who he is, but his face sure rings a bell."

The next day, Robert, Jean-Luc's twin brother, appears at Notre Dame to apply
for the bell ringer postion.  He also was without arms, but assured the head
bell ringer that he could do the job, and he was much more adept at ringing
bells than his late brother.  The head bell ringer thought that a
demonstration was in order, so they climbed to the top of the bell tower,
Robert backed up as far as he could, and ran as fast as he could towards the
bell.  The same thing happened as happened to Jean-Luc.  As the crowd
gathered at the bottom of the bell shaft asking who was he, the same person
spoke up and said, "I don't know who he is, but he's a dead ringer for the
guy who was here yesterday."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Brenda, on REHU]

Why did the chicken cross the road? [Babylon 5 answers]

G'KAR: To free Narn from Centauri oppression.

IVANOVA: No crossing today, crossing tomorrow. There's always a
crossing tomorrow.

KOSH: When the crossing has already started, it is too late for the
chicken to vote.

LONDO: For the glory of the Centauri Empire.

MORDEN: My associates had what it wanted on the other side. Pity it
didn't see the car.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 10/16/97	
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
       Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
       George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
       Henry Kissinger
+--------------------------------------+
[from  Dan Eggleston via Bill's Punch Line and "Wit & Wisdom"]

 "Just the same," snapped Noah's wife as she boarded the ark, "I'd feel much safer is those termites were locked up in a box!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Anne Chamberlain, on REHU]

HYMNS
Religious songs sung in church. Generally divided into two categories: "old favourites" and "that awful new stuff."
+--------------------------------------+
[From P. Christopher, via EcuLaugh]

   The parish priest was hearing confessions of his altar boys one 
   Saturday.  A little voice from the other side whispered, "Bless me, 
   Father, for I have sinned.  I threw peanuts into the holy water 
   fountain."  The priest reprimanded the young lad and gave him a 
   penance.
   
   The next young voice begins, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  I
   threw peanuts into the holy water fountain."  The priest, a little
   startled that two boys had committed the same indiscretion, again 
   reprimanded the boy and gave him a penance.
   
   A third penantant whispered, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  I
   threw peanuts into the holy water fountain."  By now the priest has
   become very irritated that such an act is being committed so frequently
   in his church.  He gives the boy a very stiff penance.
   
   The priest braces himself as a fourth boy begins whispering, "Bless
   me, Father, for I have sinned.  My name is Peanuts."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 10/17/97	
[from Brian]

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
+----------------------------------+
[from several people, but Mark Huth on REHU was first]

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

Author unknown
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 10/18/97	
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/ ]

   The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge 
University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor 
to bring him Cakes and Ale. The folowing dialog ensued: 
 
Proctor: I beg your pardon? 
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. 
Proctor: Sorry, no. 
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that 
you bring me Cakes and Ale. 
 
   At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old 
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and 
pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): 
  "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". 
 
   Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student 
sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. 
 
   Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds for not 
wearing a sword to the examination. 
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/ ]

Some people think that the poems of Emily Dickinson are majorly dreary and 
depressing.  But most of her stuff perks right up if you sing it to the 
"Gilligan's Island" theme. 
 
Give it a try: 
 
        Because I could not stop for Death, 
        He kindly stopped for me; 
        The carriage held but just ourselves 
        And immortality. 
 
Or try this one: 
 
        I heard a fly buzz when I died; 
        The stillness round my form 
        Was like the stillness in the air 
        Between the heaves of storm. 
+--------------------------------------+
In response to the joke above, Lee writes: "try singing "Amazing Grace" to the same tune.  Not just the beginig lines but the whole hymn to the whols theme song, including the thunder effects.  It fits and it is fun, freaks out many an old Baptist though."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 10/19/97	
[from http://edmonton.shaw.wave.ca/fowler/dcf/Think53a.htm ]

1. Can God make a rock so big that even he cannot lift it? 
2. Can God undo the past? 
3. Did God have permission to experiment with DNA? (Jacob) 
4. Did God make man superior to woman because she was made from     
the rib, a cheaper cut? (RSK) 
5. How could God make man in his own image, if mirrors weren't
invented then? 
6. How did Noah get the whales down from the top of the mountain? 
(Bill F.) 
7. If God is everywhere and everything, what need is there for God to
have consciousness? 
8. If God sneezes... what should you say? 
9. If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 
10. If God was a Japanese auto designer would an Elephant be a Mouse? 
(Neil Enns) 
11. If Jesus is the answer, what is the question? (jb)
12. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the
box? 
13. If there's Life after Death, are we going to die or have we
died already? 
14. If you are religious, why is it that kneeling keeps you in good 
standing? (rlr) 
15. If you were accused of being a Christian, would there be enough 
evidence to prove it? (rlr) 
16. If you worship the devil but don't do a very good job of it, do 
you go to heaven? 
17. Is it true that all monks think about is Sects? 
(Vanbooven) 
18. Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, does that make my pet dog 
Satan? (Vanbooven) 
19. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"? 
20. When the Bible was written was the whole story included? 
21. Who created God? 
22. Who did Cain and Abel marry? (Bill F.) 
23. Why are some Catholic churches named "Our Lady of Perpetual Help" 
not open 24 hours? (Lynn S) 
24. Why be Born Again? Couldn't we just grow up? 
25. Why did Noah only allow two of every other kind of animal except 
humans? Was this the first discrimination? (ryoga) 
26. Why did Noah put WATER based animals into the Ark? Surely not to 
protect them from more water. (Bill F.) 
27. Why do Christians worship a God who violated a virgin's civil 
rights? 
28. Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know 
what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon? 
29. Why do they ask you to give your money to God, but then give you 
THEIR address? (Vanbooven) 
30. Why do they call it a Holy Bible? Does this mean there is an 
Unholy Bible? (Pat F.) 
31. Why does the Vatican have Lightning Rods? 
32. Why does the word "girl" appear only once in the Bible? 
33. Why is it that everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants 
to die? 
34. Can God create a square circle? 
35. Is it possible for God to commit self-destruction? 
36. Did God really create the world in 6 days, or did he goof off for 
5 and then pull an all-nighter? 
37. God made pleasurable things sinful! Isn't that strange? Why 
didn't He just make them unpleasurable? 
38. If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 
39. Is it true that God made man before woman to give him time to 
think of an answer for her first question? 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 10/20/97	
[from "Kitty's Daily Mews"]

    What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula? -
                              autoexec.bat
+--------------------------------------+
[from Lynne Hough, via EcuLaugh]

As an Episcopal chaplain, I was taking communion to one of my REHAB patients. 
Her Presbyterian room mate asked if she and her family could participate as
well and of course I said, "Yes."

I got the group together and read the brief service and distributed the bread
and wine.  

As I was leaving one of the guests of the Presbyterian patient called me aside
and said very sweetly, "Honey I think you need to check your grape juice.  It
tastes like it might be fermenting!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dee Christian]

It's tricky getting the translations just right.

For example, Microsoft's "Where do you want to go today?"
translates in Japanese to: "If you don't know where you want to go
today, we'll be sure you get taken."

"Come alive with the Pepsi generation."
Taiwanese translation: "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the
dead."

An American ad for a European vacuum cleaner: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."

English ad by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send
them in all directions."

Air conditioner instructions in Japan: "Cooles and Heates: If you want
just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 10/21/97	
[from Aditya, on REHU]

 One day God was looking down on the Earth and realized it was
 overrun with bad people.  So God wrote a letter to the few good
 people left telling them how to turn all the bad people into good
 people like themselves.


 What do you mean, "what did it say?"   ... Didn't you get one?
+--------------------------------------+
[from Rich Ajer, via EcuLaugh]

To live above with the saints we love, 
Ah, that is highest glory;
But, to live below with the saints we know, 
Now that is another story.
+--------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new
drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a
convent.

The FDA refused to licence it, though...seems it was habit-forming.
+--------------------------------------+
[from John Ramsey, via EcuLaugh]
Non-quoted portions *Copyright 1997 by John Ramsey* - COPYRIGHTS Note #20
 Advance permission given for non-profit use, include *Copyright* above.

Our Evolution, who art in nature,
 unquestioned be thy theory,
 thy five kingdoms come,
 all but the fittest be done,
 on a earth indifferent to heaven.

Give us this day our daily prey

And dismiss our doubts as we dismiss our doubters

Lead us not into morality
 and deliver us from the food chain

For thy is the kingdom, the phylum, the class, the order and the family
 until something better comes along.
+-----------------------------------------+
**** Wed 10/22/97	
[from JR Cheese, on REHU]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night, the princess had frogs legs for dinner.
+--------------------------------------+
[from JOHN SALMON, via EcuLaugh]

Sven and Ole were sitting on the front porch one evening, at opposite ends.
Sven was listening to the sounds of the choir rehearsing at the Lutheran
Church down the street, while Ole was listening to the crickets in the
vacant lot next door.  After a while, Sven broke the silence, saying,
"Isn't that beautiful?"  And Ole answered, "Yep, and to think they do it
all by rubbing their legs together."
+-------------------------------------+
[from "Wit & Wisdom"]

  At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate
41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would
in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and
returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address
voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

  Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it
was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. And he was
concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he
said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." And she was able to do so.

  Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was
watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said
to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 10/23/97	
[from EcuLaugh]

                        THE COMPLEAT NEW LITURGIST

[Reprinted, with permission of the editors, from the July 1997 
edition of CATHOLIC WORLD REPORT.  All rights reserved].
                                  ______

        By: Diogenes [Through a knowledgeable friend (who wishes to remain 
anonymous), I recently obtained a copy of a set of liturgical guidelines 
published by an organization known as the Group for Liturgical Art and 
Dance (GLAD). These particular directives are aimed at reducing the sense 
of solemnity within the liturgy, so that the Mass might be "as happy and 
noisy as any other family celebration." I have reproduced some excerpts 
from those guidelines below.

        Although GLAD appears in none of the standard ecclesial 
directories, and these guidelines do not bear the approval of any bishop, 
in practice the GLAD directives seem to carry a remarkable authority.  As 
a matter of fact, I have noticed that the priests in my parish adhere to 
these guidelines much more closely than to the General Instruction of the 
Roman Missal (GIRM).

        If GLAD is a powerful conspiracy, working for change within the 
Church without revealing its own presence, CWR readers should be aware of 
its influence.  And if the organization is *not* a formidable force of
change, can anyone explain the widespread obedience to its guidelines?]

        PUTTING THE CONGREGATION AT EASE

        Before beginning the liturgy, the presider should make sure that 
everyone is at ease.  The best way to open the proceedings is with a smile 
and a loud, "Good morning, everyone!"

        On special occasions, in order to enhance the sense of community 
among parishioners, the presider may invite members of the congregation to 
introduce themselves to their neighbors.

        The presider and/or music minister may encourage the congregation 
to play a more active part in the ministry of song by offering a friendly 
critique of their involvement. "I'm sure we can do better than that!" is a 
gentle invitation to more vigorous participation.

        THE HOMILY

        Priests should learn from the example of politicians and other 
popular speakers, who always begin their remarks with one or more jokes to 
"break the ice." 

        While it may be useful for preachers to find a theme for the 
homily in the Scripture readings for the day, it is also important to 
offer an original approach.  Educated Catholics are already well 
acquainted with the Gospel stories, and the ambitious preacher will look 
for new ways to convey a positive message.  Rather than explaining 
parables - which are based on the cultural patterns of life in an ancient 
foreign society - the homilist should use more contemporary metaphors. An 
original story about workers in an auto-repair shop may be more relevant 
than a reference to the work of agricultural workers or fisherpersons.

        The homily should unite, rather than divide, the congregation. 
Preachers should show their sensitivity toward the parishioners who may be 
experiencing marital difficulties, or problems with addiction, by avoiding 
any mention of these topics.  Under no circumstances should the preacher 
mention issues which might cause controversy within the assembly, such as 
abortion, contraception, or the status of women within the Church.

        THE LITURGIST'S LITANY

        It is important to involve the greatest number of parishioners in 
the distribution of the Eucharist.  Since women are not yet allowed to 
function as presiders under current Vatican restrictions, they should be 
given first precedence in the selection of Eucharistic ministers.  
Ordained priests - other than the presider - need not participate in the 
distribution of the Eucharist; they should make themselves ready to greet 
parishioners outside the church upon the conclusion of the assembly.

        Immediately after the distribution of the Eucharist, the presider 
should address the assembly, commenting on the quality of the liturgy and 
making announcements about the activities of the parish community. Some 
members of the congregation, motivated by older liturgical models, may 
seek some privacy during these moments; it is important to prod them 
toward more active participation in the community celebration.

        In addition to announcing any upcoming community events, the 
presider should use this opportunity to acknowledge everyone who played a 
role in the liturgy: the Eucharistic ministers, music ministers, altar 
servers, lectors, greeters, custodians, etc. It is important to mention 
*everyone* involved in parish ministry. This list of acknowledgments 
should conclude with an invitation for applause from the congregation.

        After inviting all members of the congregation to share coffee and 
doughnuts in the parish center, the presider should end the liturgical 
celebration as it began, with a broad smile and a positive message: "Have 
a nice day."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 10/24/97	
Police today arrested the man who delivered five hundred pounds of 
celery to the doorstep of his former girlfriend.  Officers said it 
was the worst case of stalking they'd ever seen. 
+--------------------------------------+
[from "Kitty's Daily Mews"]

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies

10.  Veterinarians have evening hours.

9.   Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater
with its crying.  Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with
you, and if you don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether
or not the sitter is available tonight. 

8.   Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes
within three months. 

7.   Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month. 

6.   You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you
are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school)
education. 

5.   No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't
want to breast feed your kitten. 

4.   No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you
fondle your kitten. 
3.   Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of
the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten.  In
fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is. 

2.   No one will question your abilities to function normally at your
job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the BEST reason:

You only have to change a litter box once a day. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 10/25/97	
[from Chris Ewing, via EcuLaugh]

    Seems a minister was talking with the children about the importance of
living right, and he wrapped up with the challenge, "Now, if all the good
people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what colour
would you be?"

    To which one tot thouhtfully replied, "I'd be streaky."
+---------------------------------------+
[from Susan Polizzi, on REHU]

    A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing.  Several people
hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come
to the choir.  The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

    "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said.  "If you
don't, I'm going to resign.  The choir members are going to quit too.
Please do something."

    So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should
leave the choir."

    "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.

    "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."

    "That's nothing," the man snorted.  "Fifty people have told me that
you can't preach!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Stanley Baldwin, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

A newly converted hippie was very interestedly reading the Bible while
waiting for transportation and every now and then would exclaim,
"Alleluia, Praise the Lord, Amen" and on and on as he read on.  A
skeptic heard him and came and asked what he was reading.  He answered" 
I am reading how God parted the Red Sea and let the Israelites go
through--that is a miracle!"  The skeptic explained "Do not believe
everything the Bible tells you.  The truth of the matter is that that
body of water was only really 6 inches deep - so it was not miracle." 
The hippie nodded in disappointment but kept on reading as the skeptic
was walking away feeling proud that he had set the hippie straight.  All
of a sudden the skeptic heard the hippie let out a big "Alleluia, PTL".
At this the skeptic came back to him and asked, "What is it this time?" 
The hippie said excitedly in one breath, "This one is a real miracle,
God drowned the whole Egyptian army in 6 inches of water!!!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 10/26/97	
[from Jim Bier]

A priest was visiting her brother, and arriving at the house from the
airport took off her clerical collar.  A young child was watching and on
examining it wanted to know what the printed message (WASH IN MILD SOAPY
WATER) said.  The priest, wanting to engage the child in conversation,
asked "What do you 'think' it says?"  The child replied "PROTECTS
AGAINST FLEAS FOR SIX MONTHS."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Mary Felix]

 About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the  Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
            
 The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.  It was too risky. So they finally  picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.  He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
            
 The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he  sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
  
 The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can  stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.  Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an  apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
  
 Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! . 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'
 
'And  then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch
 and I took out mine.'
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 10/27/97	
[from Francesbel, via Leonard Stafford's The Humour List]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
You lick your coffeepot clean. 
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 
Your T-shirt says, "Decaf is the devil's coffee." 
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. 
All your kids are named "Joe." 
You don't need a hammer to pound nails. 
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet and Low." 
You don't sweat, you percolate. 
You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug. 
You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers. 
People get dizzy just watching you. 
People can test their batteries in your ears. 
When someone asks you," How are you?", you say," Good to the last 
	drop."
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. 
You speak perfect Arabic without even taking a lesson. 
Your Thermos is on wheels. 
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny. 
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 
You think being called a drip is a compliment. 
You don't tan, you roast. 
You don't get mad, you get steamed. 
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. 
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. 
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 10/28/97	
[from Joel Heck, via EcuLaugh]

   Some years ago, when my two oldest children were four and five years 
of age and the season of Advent was upon us, the Sunday school lesson
was about Zechariah in the temple and his hesitance to believe the
angel who told him that he would have a son to be named John.
   
   The following Saturday morning, my wife overheard Peter say, very 
seriously, to his younger sister, "If an angel comes, I'm going to
try real hard to believe him, 'cause I don't want my mouth shut for
a year!"
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on REHU]

   A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and
  fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.

    Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her
  from the Church steps.  "Are you OK ?" he asked.

    "Yes, but is Mass out ?" she asked.

    "No ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Trefor, on REHU]

A man, curious about Catholicism, approaches a Dominican.  He asks the
Dominican about various subjects, and eventually the conversation
turns to religious orders.

         "So, you're a Dominican?"
         "Yes."

         "What can you tell me about the Dominicans?"

         "Well, in short, we were founded by St. Dominic as an aswer
to the Albigensians."

         "I see.  What about the Jesuits I keep hearing about?"

         "They were founded by St. Ignatius of Loyala as a response to
to the Protestant Reformation."

         "Hmmm...so which is the greatest order?"

The Dominican ponders this question for a second, and replies: "Well,
when was the last time you met an Albigensian?" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 10/29/97	
[from Dickibus on REHU]

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food
establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's
available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING  UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would
be  "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 10/30/97	
[from Neil, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Moses had a press agent named Sam.  When he and his
people got to the Red Sea with the Pharaoh's armies in hot
pursuit, he called for Sam and asked: "Where are the boats?"

  "Oh, I'm sorry, Moses, " Sam said. "I was so busy with the
press releases, newspapers and bookings, I forgot to order
the boats."

  "You idiot!" Moses exclaimed.  "What do you want me to
do---raise my staff and ask God to part the Red Sea?"

  "Hey, boss," Sam said, "If you can do that, I could get you
two pages in the Old Testament."
+--------------------------------------+
[From the Mallard Fillmore comic strip,  by Bruce Tinsley, for 9/30/97]

two people in Hollywood talking on the telephone:

#1:     I don't care what all the other networks are doing!  I'm uncomfortable promoting that LIFESTYLE!

#2:     Don't be so closed-minded, Morty!  The BANDWAGON'S leaving without us!

#3:     Fine.  YOU tell the stockholders our new show's gonna have an OPENLY RELIGIOUS main character....
+--------------------------------------+
[from Ron, on REHU]

 A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood.   Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:

  ....."Born a Jew
  ......Raised a Jew
  ......Now a Catholic."

 The Catholics are ecstatic.  No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening.  But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood.  The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.  They see him standing over the cooking steak.  He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:

  ....."Born a cow
  ......Raised a cow
  ......Now a fish."
+-----------------------------------------------+
**** Fri 10/31/97	
[from http://www.theriver.com/mixfm/bob_961028.html#thursday ]

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
-They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? 
-No body

What do skeleton say before they begin dining? 
-Bone appetit...
What kind of monsters do you find hanging around laundromats? 
-Wash and werewolves

What do ghosts wear to protect themselves while driving? 
-Sheet belts

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? 
-Dayscare centers

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? 
-His ghoul friend.

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? 
-Benjamin Frankenstein

What do ghosts serve for dessert? 
-Ice Scream

What's a monsters favorite play? 
-Romeo and Ghouliet

What do witches put on their hair? 
-Scare spray

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? 
-Bamboo

What's a haunted chicken? 
-a poultry-geist

How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
- He has a big D on his pajamas

What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
- Grandma monster

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
- Because he was in need of a light snack

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
- Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
- Boo boos

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? 
-Because of his coffin

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
- They're good at keeping things under wraps

What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
- Ghost-Toasties

Mommy, mommy, teacher keeps saying I look like a werewolf.
- Be quiet, dear, and go and comb your face

What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
- A wash and wear wolf

What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
- they boo-kle their seatbelts

Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
- Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
- Count Duckula

What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?
- Swallow the leader

Where do vampires send their dirty clothes?
- To the dry screamers 
