HUMOR13 file - for updates email Teresa Carrigan at	CARRIGAN@WEBMART.NET

+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 11/1/97	[recycled Saint jokes for All Saints Day]
 Saint under construction ... please excuse the mess. 

 Holy cards are worth more if they are autographed. 

 From silly devotions and sad-faced saints, O Lord, deliver me.  -- St. Teresa of Avila

"If this is the way you treat your friends, Lord, it's no wonder you have so few of them!" -- St. Teresa of Avila
+--------------------------------------+
[from Barbara, via REHU]
St. Teresa of Avila loved food and cooking.  She was jovially preparing a partridge dish one day when one of the more nunny nuns commented on her excess enthusiasm.  She replied:  "When I pray, I pray.  When I partridge, I partridge!" and continued dancing around the kitchen.
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly 
gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into 
heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a 
certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When 
you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and 
never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" 
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported 
its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point." 
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and 
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven 
is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
**** Sun 11/2/97	
[from Dennis M. Henley via EcuLaugh]
   
        A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived
at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired.  As they moved along
the conveyor belt to the shredder they struck up a conversation.  The
twenty reminised abo ut its travels all over the county.  "I've had a
pretty good life", the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and
Atlantic City, the finest restaraunts in New York, performances on
Broadway, and even a cruise from Miami."  
   
        "Wow!", said the single, "you really have gotten around."  
   
        "So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"
   
         "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist  Church, the
Lutheran Church ...." 

[and the twenty says, "What's a church?"]
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0330 ]

OLD TESTAMENT ROAD SIGNS 
 
At the Sinai desert: 
        "Winding road next 40 years" 
 
At the Red Sea: 
        "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding" 
 
At Jericho: 
        "Sound horn for service" 
 
At Sodom and Gomorrah: 
        "Watch for falling rocks" 

NEW TESTAMENT ROAD SIGNS 
 
At the wide gate: 
        "Wrong way!  Do not enter!" 
 
At the Via Dolorosa: 
        "Yield to cross traffic ahead" 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 11/3/97	
[from http://www2.hmc.edu/~dgibson/math.html ]

                 THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS
                            IN THE
                     HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS

  In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that....

  1) Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."

  2) Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his daughter "Tootsie."

  3) William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his friends.

  4) The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."

  5) Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."

  6) Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."

  7) There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine, and if there was, the motto of their mathematics department would not be "Secant ye shall find."

  8) Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.

  9) Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself."

10) Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

11) It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could only see one side to every question.

12) It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that after his lecture the first three questions he was asked were "What is elliptical?" "What is an orbit?" and "What is a planet?"

13) It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics.  For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is dependent upon government assistance, which is not always forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government at half-price, and the government passed them onto the northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples:  "He who has a Tait's is lost."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 11/4/97	
[from Cyn MacGregor via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God
make you, Grandpa?"     

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.     

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God
make me too?"     

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.  For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.  At last she spoke up.    

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."   
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dave Wigley, on REHU]

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.  But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.  After awhile he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do; it is the Bible."

He said, "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah.  Yes I believe that; it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him,"  replied the lady.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 11/5/97	
[from Richard Wimer, via JOKES@why-not.com and HAND!]

     To Compute...
     Or Not To Compute...
     That Is The Question...
     Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..
     To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...
     ...Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of..Transistors,
     Or Rather Transponders...
     Transcondu--
     Trans...
     Er...           Oh, To Hack With It.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

During a recent flood in the Kentucky lowlands, one family sent its little boy
to stay with an uncle in another part of the state, accompanied by a letter
explaining the reason for the nephew's sudden and unexpected visit.  Two days
later the parents received a telegram: "Am returning boy. Send the flood." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dawn LaFalce, via GCFL]

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and
began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels,
bridges and traffic jams.  To make the task less onerous, he invited
several of his coworkers to share the ride.

He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more
stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.  He consulted
the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges,
in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to
bathe all week long.  But when I get in the tunnels and I've got
those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and
dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the
ailment.

"What is it, Doc?  Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy.  You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me!  What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 11/6/97	
[from Michael Pollak, via UGA Humor List; modified by Grady Lacy]

On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant
atheist.  But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its
denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.  After
a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you
know what _Trinity_ means?  It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy
Ghost."

The father can barely control his rage.  He seizes his son by the
shoulders and declares, "Hear this, Danny, the LORD our God, the LORD is one,
and we don't believe in him!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.  "How was your
summer?"asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea.  "Hey, why don't you go down the corner
and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers
and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?" 

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a 
wasp." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tina Gunther via Bill's Punch Line and "Wit & Wisdom"]

I dreamed death came the other night
And heaven's gate swung wide.
With kindly grace an angel
Ushered me inside.

And there to my astonishment
Stood folks I'd known on earth,
Some I'd judged and labeled
Unfit, of little worth.
Indignant words rose to my lips
But never were set free--
For every face showed stunned surprise,
Not one expected me!
- Unknown
+------------------------------------+
**** Fri 11/7/97	
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth --
But most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
	-Winston Churchill
+------------------------------------+
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor ]

 An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."  He knocked.  The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.  "Could ye spare some victuals?"

     The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes.  "No!" she shouted.

     "Could I have a pint of ale?"

     "No!" she shouted.

     "Could I at least use your privvy?"

     "No!" she shouted again.

     The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"

     "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

     "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jennifer L. Dular, via Geoff's Joke List]

This frog was really down on his luck.  All he had left in the world was this little ceramic figurine his mother had willed him when she croaked.  So he decided he'd go to the bank and get a loan so he could improve his lot in life.  He wrapped up the figurine and hopped on down to the local bank.  When he got to the bank, the bank receptionist directed him to a loan officer by the name of Mr. Paddywack.  Mr. Paddywack took one look at the frog and knew his day was ruined.  "Ok, he said, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I'd like a small loan," the frog said, "So I can get back on my feet."

"We don't usually loan money to frogs," Paddywack said.  "Do you have anything in the way of collateral?"

The frog held up the figurine and said, "Well, I have this."

Paddywack rolled his eyes and said, "I'm going to have to ask my manager."

He went to find the manager, and told him, "You're not going to believe this.  There's this frog out here, who wants money.  He has this," he holds up the figurine, "for collateral.  Have you ever
heard of something so dumb?"

The manager scowled at him and said, "For God's sake, it's a knicknack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 11/8/97	
[forwarded by Bill Koch, via EcuLaugh]

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named,
predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to
consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from
God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's
new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more
accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him,
making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." 

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: 

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah. 

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God
with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord
accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser
interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including
Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the
poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server. 

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this
product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a
minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed
delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards
enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum
learning curve. 
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval,
the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a
clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God
server. 

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance
the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based  on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is
expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism,
Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. 

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning
to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt
to render Microsoft God installations inoperable. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 11/9/97	
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor ]

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so went to the local priest.
    "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my
attic."
    "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
    "But I charged him for 20 Gulden for every week he stayed there."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
    "Yes, but I haven't told him that the war is over."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Susan Polizzi, via REHU]

There was an Irishman who was a faithful Catholic, but who had one short-coming:he could not abstain from eating meat on Fridays.

He went to the priest to confess that terrible compulsion.  The priest, being
a compassionate sort, offered him absolution and said to him, "You CAN resist
this temptation.  Just keep repeating to yourself, 'I am NOT a heathen I am a
Catholic.  I am NOT a heathen, I am a Catholic."

The next Friday the priest stopped by the mans house to see how he was doing.
Wafting out through the window was the unmistakable smell of beef.  The
priest went up to the open window, looked through and saw the man standing at
the stove, pointing his finger at the frying pan and saying, "You are NOT a
steak, you are a mackerel..."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Pastor Paul W. Kummer, Grace Lutheran Church, Destin, Florida, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

NOAH'S TOP 10
by Cal and Rose Samra from "More Holy Humor - Inspirational Wit and Cartoons "

10. Strange! We haven't seen another boat for weeks. 

9. If only I'd brought along more rhino litter! 

8. How many times around this place makes a mile? 

7. I never want to sleep in a waterbed again. 

6. I wonder what my friends are doing right now. 

5. An outboard motor would have made this more exciting! 

4. Fish for supper--again? 

3. Does anyone have more Dramamine? 

2. What? You don't have film to photograph the rainbow? 

1. I should have killed those darn mosquitoes when I had the chance! 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 11/10/97	
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

BASIC RULES FOR DOGS

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a
lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house.  Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds.  There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark,
bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor.  It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite---
catch  them. It spoils all the fun.  >^,,^<

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 11/11/97	
[from  http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor ]

        A large metropolitan church literally revolved around its music 
program.  It was plain to see that music was the number-one priority of this 
particular church. 
 
        At a business meeting, each member of the staff took his or her turn 
expressing their displeasure with their meager salaries which were being 
sacrificed at the altar of the church's music program. 
 
        Music was so popular in the church that, as each staff member spoke, 
he did so in a sing-song Gregorian chant. 
 
        The janitor stood up first and chanted to the congregation, "I'm the 
janitor of this church, and I make just $10,000 a year and I want to 
say---THAT'S NOT MUCH TO LIVE ON!" 
 
        The secretary of the church stood and sang, "I'm the secretary of 
this church, and I make just $5,000 a year, and I want to say---I DON'T GET 
PAID ENOUGH!" 
 
        The pastor stood and sang out even more strongly than the others, 
"I'm the pastor of this church and I make just $20,000 a year, and I want 
to say --- I COULD SURE USE MORE MONEY!" 
 
        Then, the music director stood and there was a fanfare played by the 
church orchestra.  He cleared his voice and boomed loudly, "I'm the music 
director of this church, and I make $70,000 a year and I just want to say 
--- THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS!" 
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg, on REHU]

Newly discovered verses for the traditional yet cutting-edge and ever-popular
tune, "Gather Us In." [*O Herr, versammle uns,* attr. Martinus Haugenensis,
*Filistinisches Gesangbuch,* c. 1975.]

"Gather us in at Good Shepherd"

Here in this place babies are screaming,
Shouldn't they all be banished away?
Some folks are late and other are dreaming;
Celebrate life, don't get carried away.
     Gather us in, the bored and the dozer,
     Blather us in with music inane;
     Call to us now and call the composer,
     We shall arise at the sound of his name.

We are the old, we yearn for a face lift,
We are the young, our lives are a mess,
We can't remember English or hist'ry,
Poetry, schmoetry, we could care less.
     Gather us in, the rich and the naughty,
     Blather us in, there's no right and wrong;
     Give us a break and send us a ticket
     Light-years away from the sound of our song.

                 -- S. & S. Krantz, late XX Century.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 11/12/97	
[from David A. Rinke II, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THE BABY TECH SUPPORT LINE [long but worth it!]

Ring Ring Ring

Hello!  And thank you for calling the Baby Technical Support Line at
Saguaro General Hospital.  For Imminent Baby Delivery, please press 1,
For regular Pediatric Questions, please press 2, For Sales and Service,
please press 3, for Technical Questions regarding the Care and Upkeep of
your Baby, please press 4.

Beep.

Ring Ring Ring

Hello, this is Mary with Saguaro General Hospital Baby Technical
Support.  How can I help you today?

Yes.  Ahh.  I'm having problems with my new baby and my wife is out at
the moment.  We had our baby delivered at Saguaro about 4 months ago.

Yes sir.  What seems to be the problem?

Well, I'm kinda new to this, you know?  I mean, I'm here alone with the
kid and I'm not sure what to do next.

OK.  Tell me where you're at.  What kind of model do you have?

Model?

Yes sir.

Well.  It's a baby.  And she's been crying for a while now.

What I mean is, can you tell me what obvious features the baby has?
Does she have any defects?  Is she missing any fingers, toes?  Things
like that?
What?  Oh no!  She's just your basic baby, I guess.

OK.  Sounds like our Performa Model.  How is the baby behaving now?

Well, she's not eating, and she's been throwing things around and
crying.  In other words, she's acting normal.

All right.  Have you tried Awaking her without any Extensions?

What are those?

Extensions would be any outside disturbances, such as a lot of noise,
loud pets; a nice quiet environment.  She needs no extra stimuli when
she wakes up.  She'll be in a lot better mood.

Well, I'll try that.

Have you Rebuilt the Baby lately?

What?

Sir, babies need a lot of care and attention.

That's what my wife keeps telling me.  I guess I should start paying
more attention to her.

That's good.

Well, what can I do now?

Well, sir, Rebuilding the Baby is really very simple once you've done
it.  You're going to have to sit down in front of the baby and do the
following.  After you wake her without any Extensions, give the baby a
bath and wash her carefully.  Make sure when you wash her to not let go
of her hand until you see the smiling face!

OK.  Sounds good.

Then, dry her carefully and dust her.

Dust?

Baby Powder, sir.

Oh.  OK.
Then, place a clean, fresh diaper on the baby.

A diaper.

Yes, sir.

How do you put those things on?

It's all explained very clearly in the manual we sent to you when the
baby was delivered.

I don't think we got that.

Did you inspect your shipping container carefully?

Just a second.  Let me look.

(A few minutes later)

Yes!  Here it is.  Hey, it's got pictures and everything.

Yes sir, we go through a lot of trouble to produce those manuals.
You'll find all the instructions you'll need in there.  Plus we've
included many tips.

OK.  I'll read it tonight.

Good.  Can I have your name and number please?

Jay Pegg, 555-6001.

OK.  Mr. Pegg, can I have the serial number of the baby, please?

Serial number?

Yes sir.  We place a bar code on each baby which helps us keep track of
them.  It's very helpful to us when they come in for maintenance.

(Some crying in the background)

Well, I've got her upside down and every which way, but I see no serial
number.

Sir, the serial number is very small and is usually placed on top of her
skull.
Isn't that dangerous?

Oh no.  Not at all.  Eventually it just fades away.  Just brush her hair
aside and it should be there.

Just a second and I'll look.

(A lot of crying and screaming now)

Uh.  I've got her in my lap now.  She's very strong, you know.

I can imagine, sir.

Well, let's see here.  It looks like S-G-H-3-9-8 Ow!  Honey, don't poke
daddy like that!

Are you all right sir?

Huh?  Oh, just fine.  Let's see S-G-H-3 Damn!  Why you little!

(A LOT of crying now)

Hello?  Sir?

Just a second.  Let me take this plastic dino away from her.

(Not as much crying)

OK.  Here we go.  It looks like, yes!  666!

Sir?

Hah!  Just kidding.  OK, the real number is SGH35671-1/22/94.  Wheh!
There.

OK.  I've got the number.  Just let me look up that number.  OK Mr.
Pegg, we have you listed as living in Tempe?  Is that correct?

Yes.  That's right.

(Crying coming back strong)

We have no name for the baby listed.  What is her name?

Uhh.  Actually we haven't named her yet.
Well.  It's very simple.  Simply Select the Baby and type in her new
name.

Really?

Yep.  That's all there is to it.

Where do I type?

Well, included with your manual is a key pad which has many different
functions.

Let me look.  Hey!  You're right.  This will be a big help.

The manual explains everything in great detail, and if you still have
problems with your baby, just call us anytime and we'll help.

Sounds great.  While I have you on the line, the baby keeps crying all
the time when the mother isn't here.  What can I do?

Have you tried a Scream Saver, sir?

Scream Saver?

Yes.  We recommend Scream Savers for saving your baby's voice.  We have
had a lot of success with sitting the child in front of a TV and turning
it to C-SPAN.

Hmm.  I'll try that.  What do you recommend when the kid just doesn't
want to go to bed?  We've tried playing with her to the point were we
are both worn out and the baby just keeps going.

Sir, if you look on the key pad, you'll see a small cover which opens
up.  There we have installed additional options.  Try setting the Sleep
Mode to what ever time at night you want the child to sleep.  If you
have other times when you wish the baby to be sleeping, such as during
Friday rush hour traffic, simply press the Sleep Now mode and the child
will stop screaming in your ears, and fall peacefully to sleep.

Hey!  Now that's a great idea.

Yes sir.  It's amazing what they are doing nowadays.

Well.  Thanks Mary for all your help and I'll be sure and ask especially
for you if we need more help.
Thank you for calling the Baby Technical Support Line.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 11/13/97	
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor ]

FROM READER'S DIGEST
 My sister attended Olivet Nazarene University, in Kankakee, Ill.  In the
 girls lavatory in her dorm, there were three totally enclosed toilets,
 plus one with no privacy door.  She dashed into the lavatory one morning
 to find them labeled:  I John, II John, III John and Revelation.
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor ]

The monastery was very strict.  The abbot allowed no discourse except for
business, and then in a chant.  A monk walking through the garden one
evening was shocked to hear another monk chant a greeting, "Evening."
Horrors!  Out from a shadow came the abbot, who accused, "Someone chanted
"Evening!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Caroline Engelbrecht, via EcuLaugh]

It seems that the Dominicans, Franciscians, and Benedictines (I hope I haven't misspelled.) were
quarreling about which order was the greatest.  Finally an answer came down from heaven:

Dear Brothers:

    What is this I hear about you quarreling among yourselves?  Remember you are all my children, and I love you equally.

Yours,
God, S.J.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Graham Fowler, via EcuLaugh]

        I understand that some Church of England and some Church of Scotland
ministers were talking about communion, arguing over which way was the right
way, coming to the altar or serving it in the pews with the tiny glasses. 
Finally the CofE minister said, "We have communion with God.  You have
cocktails with God."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Roshan's Humour List, via GCFL]

   One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford,
Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: "I enjoyed
your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend.
I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it."

   "You have not," said the indignant Dr. Doane.

   "I have so," countered Twain.

   "Then send it to me. I'd very much like to see it."

   "I'll send it," promised Mark and the following day he sent the
Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 11/14/97	
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                 Extinction In Relationship to the Moon

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List]

You know you are no longer a kid when.....

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again,
'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

Two words: parachute pants

Naps are good.

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You've bought an album on vinyl.

You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 11/15/97	
[from HAND!]

  RULES OF JUDAISM:
  - If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  - If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
  - After the destruction of the Second Temple, God
    created Loehmann's.
  - No one looks good in a yarmulke.
  - Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
  - WASPs leave and never say good-bye.  Jews say
    good-bye and never leave.
  - Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off
    is a mitzvah.
  - There's nothing like a good belch.
  - Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the
    land of milk of magnesia.
  - Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a
    nice hors d'oeuvre.
  - The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with
    marijuana.
  - And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
  - If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
  - Always whisper the names of diseases.
  - One mitzvah can change the world; two will just
    make you tired.
  - If you don't eat, it will kill me.
  - Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  - Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
  - Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
  - Next year in Jerusalem.  The year after that, how
    about a nice cruise?
  - Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
  - Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
  - The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
    alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
  - A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  - Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
  - Before you read the menu, read the prices.
  - There comes a time in every man's life when he must
    stand up and tell his mother he's an adult.  This
    usually happens at around age 45.
  - If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure
    it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
  - No meal is complete without leftovers.
  - If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
    But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody
    what you paid.
  - The only thing more important than a good education
    is a good parking spot at the mall.
  - Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big
    Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 11/16/97	
[from Rev. Michael R. Rothaar, via EcuLaugh]

I once inadvertantly convinced a whole congregation that since the kid who carried the processional cross was the crucifer, the kid who carries the candles was our lucifer.
+--------------------------------------+
A Buddhist was getting annoyed at a Christian co-worker's insistence that she needed to be "born again."  Finally she responded that she HAD been born again four or five thousand times, but felt that Nirvana was still far beyond her.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List] 

Mrs JimJr is such an eagle eye.  After Church one Sunday, she said to me on the way home, "I noticed you slipped an extra twenty into the collection plate.  Exactly what have you done now ?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Walt on REHU]

Okay, kiddies. You get to play detective and figure out who was done in and how. The deceased will give you a clue or two, and the Bible references follow.

1. Let me give you a hand--it's about all I have left.

2. We're sorry now we mocked his hair,
   Our "pun"-ishment was great to bear.

3. I got the point!

4. Dang me, dang me,
   They oughta take a rope and hang me.

5. I bought the farm centuries ago.

6. We couldn't reconcile ourselves to becoming communists.

7. They say, "Acorns don't fall farm from the tree."
   Well, all I know is that an oak got me.

8. The prostitutes later bathed where I fell, giving new meaning to the
term "blood-bath."

9. I didn't rock the boat, but the Ark rocked me.




1. (2 Kings 9)
2. (2 Kings 2)
3. (Judges 4-5)
4. (Esther 7)
5. (Matthew 27)
6. (Acts 5)
7. (2 Samuel 18)
8. (1 Kings 22)
9. (1 Chronicles 13)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 11/17/97	
[from Theodora]

Irish diplomacy: the ability to tell a man to go to Hell in such a way that he looks forward to the trip!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List]

On his way to Wyoming for visit with Grandma, Billy spotted a bowlegged cowboy.  "Look at dat dare bowlegged cowboy.  I ain't never seen nuttin like dat no how."  Grandma was shocked and made Billy read Shakespeare every day for a month.  On the way home he saw a whole bunch of bowlegged cowboys.  Says Billy, "Behold! What manner of men are these, who wear their legs in parentheses?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Santasam, via HAND!]

 Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

     One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

     The second lady says, "You think that's bad?  The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

     The third lady smiles smugly.  "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood."  She raps the table.  With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local
police station where they saw picture tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked it if really was
the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," answered the policeman.

"Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 11/18/97	
[forwarded by Barbara on REHU]

While waiting in the car for my husband to come out of the post office,
I was playing the "What does this animal say?" game with my three-year
old daughter, Madison Joy.

"What does the birdy say?"
"Tweet, tweet."
"What does the lion say?"
"Roaarrr"
"And what does the snake say, Madison?"
Mimicking her Sunday school teacher, Madison replied in a sinister
voice, "Go ahead, you can eat the apple!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from David Danforth, on REHU]
                    POLITICALLY CORRECT LORD'S PRAYER

  Our (mis)Concept of Patriarchal Authority, who, it can be said,
  inhabits the metaphysical sphere, privileged be your signifier.

  May your social structure achieve dominance.

  May the enactment of your desire be manifested throughout the
  physical-metaphysical dichotomy.

  Empower us this day with the means of material production,

  And refuse to enforce sanctions against our behavior which some see
  as subversions of a moral perspective, just as we refuse to
  marginalize the moral perspectives of others who have exerted their
  individuality.

  Don't lead us into situation that some would (mis)understand as
  detrimental to the full expression of our humanness, but liberate us
  from the concept of "evil."

  For yours is the hegemony, and the dominance, and perceived
  mystification wihtin the entire continuum of the Western concept of
  linear time.

  Amen.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 11/19/97	
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
+--------------------------------------+
[the first is from Nick's Humor List]

A boy sacking groceries at the supermarket watched with fascination as
the store installed a huge new machine for squeezing fresh orange
juice. The boy was captivated by the contraption and begged to be
trained to use it. "Sorry, kid." the store manager said. "Baggers
can't be juicers." 
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Nancy]

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.  So one 
night,  he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge
chair.   He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" 

There was no response. 

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" 

Still, there was no response.  Finally he moved right next her and
said, "Honey, can you hear me?" 

She looked up and replied, "For the third time, yes, I can!" 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Anonymous Meetings

I was gonna go to Procrastinators Anonymous, but they keep delaying
having a meeting.

Then I wanted to try Paranoids Anonymous, but they wouldn't tell me
where the meetings were.

So I went to Ranters Anonymous, but i couldn't get a word in edgewise.

I went to Control Freaks Anonymous, but they wouldn't let me in the
room.

I went to Blacks & Whites together, but they said I was too gray.

I went to Anonymous Anonymous, but they wanted to know my name.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 11/20/97	
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List] 

*   A young Priest, fresh out of a seminary in Madrid, was assigned  to a parish in Rio de Janeiro.  Since he spoke only Spanish or  English, he was assigned to assist the tourists with their worship.

    After hearing his first confession, the young curate went to an  older Priest and asked, "Well Father, how did I make out ?"

    "My son," said the older, wiser Priest, "you did very well.  But  one suggestion: When you hear the confessions of these pretty  young women, it would be a bit more seemly if you went 'Tsk Tsk'  or some other mild admonishment rather than 'Wow...' 'Far out...'  'No Way...' and so on."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Nancy Carson, via "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"]

Elsa had a new neighbor with whom she became quite friendly.  In a discussion over coffee, the neighbor told Elsa how much she admired her husband's piety.  "I watch him every morning when he gets in your car to drive to the office," the neighbor said.  "He's so pious and starts his day with a blessing."

"Thank you so much," Elsa said to her neighbor, "but you got it all wrong.  What my husband does, when he gets in the car, is not a blessing, but a check to see that he's got his glasses, his cigarettes, and that he's zipped."
+--------------------------------------+
[from RevTonyAG, via HAND!]

  Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when one mentioned that he had a belly ache.  The other cannibal asked "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"

  "No", replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary."

 "Hmm", said the second, "And how did you cook him?"

 "I boiled him as usual" replied the first.

 The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a white collar?"

 "No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown robe."

 "Aha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't have boiled him, that was a Friar!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 11/21/97	
[from Funny Pages Mailing List]

REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST'S BALL

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply:  "I'll be there on the dot.  Can't stop now must dash."

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space
in his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

[added by Brenda on REHU]

Tesla said he'd be there, but he'd have to alternate between the ball and another commitment he was coiled up in.

Edison lit up and said he'd be there directly.

[added by Swedie on REHU]

Volta couldn't decide who to bring, being AC/DC.
Anybody invite the Carthusian monks?

This is a good thread, Teresa. Look at the response it's generated! I'm
having quite a time trying to keep current.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 11/22/97	
[from JOHN SALMON, via EcuLaugh]

The family was gathered at the table ready to eat the freshly prepared meal.  The young boy became the one designated to offer thanks for the food.  Everyone bowed their heads and sat in silence.  After a moment the boy looked up and said, "If I thank God for the broccoli won't He know I'm lying?" 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Melanie Aultman, via "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"]

A Catholic sits down in a restaurant on a Friday.  He asks the waiter:
"Have you any whale?"

"No, Sir."

"Shark, then?"

"Sorry."

"Well, bring me a steak, then.  Lord knows I asked for fish!"
+--------------------------------------+
[from David Danforth, on REHU]

                       THE PSYCHIATRIST'S 23RD PSALM

  The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
  I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers
  or my need-dispositions.
  He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with
  affective significance,
  He positions me in a non-decisional situation,
  He maximizes my adjustment.
  Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I
  will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
  His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
  He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my
  Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
  He promotes my group identification.
  My personality is totally integrated.
  Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function
  of time
  And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically
  secure forever.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 11/23/97	
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List] 

*   A woman tourist visiting the Holy Land went to a tourist office  for information on the roads.  Told that it was now possible to go  by car all the way from Dan to Beersheba, she confessed, "You know,  I never knew that Dan and Beersheba were places.  I always thought  they were husband and wife, you know, like Sodom and Gomorrah."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Ron on REHU]

The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed

15. Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."

14. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.

13. Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.

12. Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the night-life!" T-shirt.

11. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.

10. Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur."

 9. As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back."

 8. Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.

 7. She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.

 6. Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."

 5. Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.

 4. Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.

 3. His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.

 2. "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of summer."

        and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed...

 1. Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 11/24/97	
[from UGA Humor List]

Sun vs. Microsoft

As you may know, Sun Microsystems has sued Microsoft over a licensing
disagreement regarding Java. Sun claims Microsoft has violated its
Java development license by extending Java in such a way that it is
not platform independent; Microsoft's version of Java can only work in
a Windows NT environment.

There has been speculation to the effect that it would be more cost
effective for Microsoft simply to purchase Sun, rather than become
involved in a possibly lengthy court battle.

So picture this: You're standing on a street corner by a newspaper
vending machine. People walk by, see the headline on the paper, and
turn their eyes worriedly toward the sky.  The headline read
"Microsoft buys Sun", and the people are wondering when it's going to
crash!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                        WHY FIRE ENGINES ARE RED:
                           A Geometric Theory

Fire engines are red.
   Newspapers are read too.
Two times two makes four.
   Three times four makes twelve.
There are twelve inches in a foot.
   A foot is also a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ruler.
   Queen Mary was also a ship.
Ships sail on the ocean.
   Fish swim in the ocean.
Fish have fins.
   The Finnes fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
   Fire Engines are always a-rushin'...
THAT'S why fire engines are red!
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 11/25/97	
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the  Frenchman disagrees.  "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.  They are Russian."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Naomi, on REHU]

Ole was walking through the mountains of Norway on his way to visit Lena and he was thinking more about the supper she had planned instead of were he was walking.  All of a sudden he slipped and slid over the edge of the cliff beside his mountain path.  About 20 feet down and with several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed onto a bush that moved but held for the moment.

There he was, hanging by a bush above certain death and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately.  "Is anyone up there?" Ole hollered.

"I'm here Ole." Came the deep voice from above.
"Who's there? Can you help me?" Ole yelled back.
The voice answered, "It's the Lord Ole,  Let go and I will save you."

Ole looked down and he looked up and he looked at his slipping hands and he looked down again and he looked up again.  Finally he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up there?"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tim Cooper, via UGA Humor List] 

A Chorister's Confession

Almighty and most merciful Conductor,
We have erred and strayed from Thy beat like lost sheep;
We have followed too much the intonations and tempi of our own hearts.
We have offended against Thy dynamic markings.
We have left unsung those notes which we ought to have sung
And we have sung those notes which we ought not to have sung
And there is no support in us.

But Thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us, miserable singers;
Succour the chorally challenged;
Restore Thou them that need sectionals;
Spare Thou them that have pencils.
Pardon our mistakes, and have faith that hereafter we will follow Thy
directions
And sing together in perfect harmony.

anonymous (although whoever wrote it deserves the credit-any thoughts?)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 11/26/97	
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.
+--------------------------------------+
[from UGA Humor List]

Back in the ancient days before e-mail, people used to send messages by what they quaintly called a telegram.  Charges were by the word, regardless of the length of the word.

An infatuated young man was sending a message to his girlfriend.  The message read:

      "Oozie loves Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie"

"You can have up to 9 words for the same rate," said the Western Union telegraph operator.  "Why not add another "Woozie"; it won't cost you any more."

"No, thanks," replied the young man.  "I think that would sound rather silly."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

 TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something, and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours. (No, the pieces are probably still mine.)
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thur 11/27/97	[recycled Thanksgiving jokes]
Father, bless us according to our thankLESSness, lest Thou bless us according to our thankfulness, and we starve.
+--------------------------------------+
    The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was
informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to
attend.  He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed,
and began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."
+--------------------------------------+
[ From Rev. Floyd W. Churn, via EcuLaugh]

   The Belated Blessing (for meals already underway)
   
   The bride and groom had asked me to say the blessing at their wedding reception. The smooth DJ/MC forgot...went right on to the best man's toast. About halfway through the meal, a family
member realized no blessing had been said over the food that was being eaten. The DJ was informed and apologetically came to me and asked if it were too late for me to have the blessing.
   
   "Not at all." (But I scrapped the blessing I had prepared and went to plan B): "We thank you tonight, Lord, in the words of the Psalmist: 'Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name.'" 
+--------------------------------------+
[found on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

Now as we all know, Grace is an important part of every good Christian's meal. But what about Atheists? What do they do when meal time comes around? Here we have a sort of Grace for those who are less under grace than those good Christians:

"Now let us all join hands and say Grace.

     Oh gracious (insert name of supermarket here), we thank thee for thy bountiful gifts. Tonight we feast on generous helpings of food that were purchased from your glourious shelves. You graced us with sales on this leg of lamb for us to feast on, and two-for-one specials on macaroni and cheese. And we will try, in your name, to buy healthy food, so we do not succumb to the evils of the fat demons. For we know if we are wicked and eat too much of the brownies we recieved, we will be under the power of the devilish personal trainer for eternity. We must withstand Fat's temptation and defeat him with regular exercise. In (insert name of supermarket here)'s name,

Dig in."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 11/28/97	
All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun.  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
          -- Steven Wright
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

Back before men were allowed anywhere near a delivery room, one executive, never one to waste time, took his paperwork with him to the waiting room in the hospital's Maternity Ward.  As the other expectant Fathers paced, he sat there buried in paper.

Several hours later a Nurse appeared and spoke to him, "It's a boy, sir." she announced.

"Well !?!?" snapped the exec, without even looking up from his work, "Find out what he wants.  I'm busy !"
+--------------------------------------+
[from Greg, via "Just Too Funny!"]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT.

Life is hard, then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day
annoy them. 

Climb your way to the top-that's why the drapes are there.

Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. 

Find your place in the sun-especially if it happens to be on that nice
pile of warm, clean laundry. 

Make your mark in the world-or at least spray in each corner. 
When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or
thirty times. 

If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several
expensive antique lamps. 

Always give generously-a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells
them, "I care." 

When you go out in the world, remember: being placed on a pedestal is
a right, not a privilege.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 11/29/97	
[from Christopher Alexander North-Keys, Rob Mayoff, & Keith Bostic via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE PRAYERS

ISTJ
    Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow
    at 11:41.23 am e.s.t.

ISTP
    God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE
    hypersensitive.

ESTP
    God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though
    they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ
    God, help me to not try to RUN everything.  But, if You need some
    help, just ask.

ISFJ
    Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY
    right.

ISFP:
    Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my
    asking).

ESFP:
    God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and
    dancing.
ESFJ:
    God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

INFJ:
    Lord help me not be a perfectionist.  (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP:
    God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP:
    God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing at a
    time.

ENFJ:
    God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest.
    Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ:
    Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

INTP:
    Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP:
    Lord help me follow established procedures today.
    On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ:
    Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwatIdo.

Amen.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 11/30/97	
[from JEFF THOMPSON, via EcuLaugh]

At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to
become nuns the bishop presiding noticed two rabbis enter the church right
before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary
and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire
before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements his
curiousity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see
two ribbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were
present at this occasion where the young ladies were become the "brides of
Christ."

The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of
the Groom."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

A nun was driving home to the convent from her daily rounds at the local hospital when her car ran out of gas.  The only container she had was a large bedpan.

She toted it over to the nearest gas station and had it filled with gas.  Arriving back, she began to dispense it into the gas tank of her car.

Two priests driving by saw what the nun was doing, and the older priest said to the younger seminarian, "Now, Father, that's absolute faith in the Lord for you."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.    One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.

The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was.  She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
+--------------------------------------+
