HUMOR14 [h9712] file

+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 12/1/97    
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably
be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at
his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned,
all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put
it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But
how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did
look, but your client didn't." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                       Fishing with Ruth Ginsberg

Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend
invited her on a fishing trip.  They got to the lake and he suggested
they rent a rowboat.

"No, lets just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she
said. He continued arguing for a while on the merits of both having a
day in the rowboat together.

Finally, she answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading
boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it."

"Why so emotional about a rowboat?" her friend asked.

Justice Ginsberg said:  "I think its long past the time to put the
Rowe vs. Wade argument behind us!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 12/2/97    
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List] 

A young California couple took a visiting Aunt for a drive, and pointed out a fig tree as one of the
sights.    "Fig tree ?" exclaimed the elderly woman.  "That cannot be a fig tree for goodness
sakes."

"Certainly is." replied her Niece.  "What makes you think it's not a fig tree ?"

"well..." said the Aunt, subsiding a little, "I just thought... surely...  the leaves must be bigger than
that."
+--------------------------------------+
[from dphenry via Bill's Punch Line and "Wit & Wisdom"]

It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment.  We can sympathize with
the chap who met an old friend after many years.   

 "How is your wife?"  

"She is in heaven," replied the friend. 

 "Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap.  Then he realized this was not the thing to say.  "I mean,"
he stammered, "I'm glad."  That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is,
I'm surprised."
+--------------------------------------+
[from "A Joke A Day"]

          As children bring their broken toys
          With tears for us to mend,

          I brought my broken dreams to God 
          Because He is my one true friend.

          But then instead of leaving Him 
          In peace to work alone,

          I hung around and tried to help 
          With ways that were my own.

          At last I snatched them back and cried, 
          "How could you be slow" --

          "My child", He said, "What could I do? 
          You never did let go."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 12/3/97    
[from GrannyNanny]

If evolution is true, how come mothers still have only two hands?
+--------------------------------------+
[from several places, including "Wit & Wisdom"]

Dear Sir,

 While working with Mr. Murphy, I have always found him

 working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

 gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

 wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

 finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be

 deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

 found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

 vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

 knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

 classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

 dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murphy should be

 pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

 sent as soon as possible.

 Sd/-
 Branch Manager

PS:  MURPHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU
TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TRUE
ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS

 Sd/-
 Branch Manager
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 12/4/97    
[from Prayer Works! and "Wit & Wisdom"]

EXPLAINING GOD
- written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for
his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God"
 
  "One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace
the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of
things here on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think
because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have
to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can
just leave that to mothers and fathers.

  God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful
lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things,
pray at  times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the
radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only
prayers,  there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He
has thought of a way to turn it off.

  God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which
keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going
over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't
have.

  Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there
are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our
church. 

  Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on
water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who
didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him
preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind
like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they
were doing and to  forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God)
appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth
so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could
stay in heaven. So He did.  And now He helps His Dad out by listening
to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care
of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother
God. Like a secretary, only more  important, of course. You can pray
anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it
worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

  You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy,
and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip
church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the
beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the
beach until noon anyway.

  If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be
very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like
to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're
scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown
into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think
of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take
me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 12/5/97    
[from CathyinTX via HAND!]

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She
excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone,
he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back
in.  He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "OOHH..
.oooh... .I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen toget an ashtray."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau, via UGA Humor List]

HOLLYWOOD YES MEN

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose
job it is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB," "Right,
CB" and so on.  Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in
fact that he was unable to function.  So he consulted a psychiatrist. 
The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man
that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings, and say
"No."

"But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.

The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to
the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can
yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser."

Well, the Yes Man decided to try it.  He went to the Grand Canyon and
found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said,
"no."  It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No."  Even
better!  Soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of
his lungs and feeling great.

He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the
proper enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand
Canyon and say "NO!"  Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon
every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"

A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a
release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of
them seemed to be taken.  He hunted and hunted, but every place he
found was already taken by another Yes Man.

Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of
its size.  Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said
"No." It felt great!  So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!"
and in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death.  Which just
goes to prove "A Little No Ledge Can Be a Dangerous Thing."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 12/6/97    
[from Heidi and Anthony Callahan, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

CHRISTIANS AND COMPUTERS
by Anthony Callahan

Being in the technical support industry, you get to experience some of
the most amazing and hilarious examples of human stupidity.  Most
everyone has heard about the Macintosh "cupholder" incident, as well as
the mouse "footpedal" FUBAR.  I, myself have a favorite story about a
man who called himself a "hacker" who managed to delete his system.ini
from Windows 3.1.  (For those of you that are uninitiated, the
system.ini file is required for Windows 3.1 to be able to run at all_)

Recently I have heard a rash of stories about fundamental Christians who
have had some serious spiritual problems with their computers.  A woman
called a friend of mine in tears because her computer was "possessed."
She told him that all she was trying to do was install some new
software, when suddenly a robed character calling himself "The Setup
Wizard" appeared on her screen.  Of course, this must have been a
demonic minion of Satan!  More likely, a demonic minion of Bill Gates.
You form your own conclusions.

Another call I heard about was a man raising Hell wanting to know why he
had all these icons on his screen.  When the agent tried to explain why
they were there, the man informed him of what a good, God-fearing
Protestant he was, and how he did not hold with all this icon business.

It seems to me that these people would do better to call a priest than a
technician.  Their problems, after all, are spiritual, not technical.
You wouldn't call a plumber to fix your car, would you?  And it's not as
if the clergy knows nothing about technology -- the order of monks that
originally transcribed the Bible from Hebrew to Latin have now made it
their business to code the holy tome into HTML.  I know for a fact that
the Pope has been spotted in chat, and several of the churches in my
area even have their own web sites.

Wouldn't it be great if you could just have your minister come by and
bless away the bugs in Windows 95?  Or if prayer could improve your
connection speed on the Internet?  Unfortunately, though, I don't think
God ever intended a 56kbps connection.  It should be clear that the
ability to type 80 words per minute is a sin punishable by carpal tunnel
syndrome.  Even the forbidden fruit was an Apple.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is either that deeply religious
people should never involve themselves in computing, or that local
churches should establish their own help desks.  While it might
entertain me immensely to help someone remove a fetish bundle from their
floppy drive, it's obvious that the pious have no need for an instrument
can calculate the Nth digit of Pi.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 12/7/97    
[forwarded by Scott Reeves]

Lord bend me to Your will,
point me in any direction you would have me go,
let me serve mankind in any way You desire; but Lord, 
You and I both know I could best serve. . .
in an executive capacity.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

How many members of OSL does it take to change a light bulb?

"Only the Abbot may change a light bulb.  However, this must be done in consultation with the
Prior General and at least two Regional Formation Officers, after all initial paperwork is
completed and submitted to the Executive Council for review and approval.  In some
circumstances, light bulbs may choose simply to have their status recognized or to affirm that
they indeed are light bulbs.  Light bulb changing shall be done in a special service.  The color shall
be red.  There shall be an annual accountability of all light bulbs changed, to assure their
conformity with the Light Bulb Rule."  (quoted from "Guidelines for the Changing of a Light
Bulb," as approved by the Executive Council, October, 1991)

With apologies (or not),

Br. O. French Ball, OSL
+--------------------------------------+
[from First Lutheran Glasgow]

The Stewardship Song

Joyful, joyful we ignore Thee, God we're busy, God we're tired.
We have fishing, we have bowling, visit friends, in hobbies mired.
TV football, earn a living, raise the kids and mow the lawn.
When it comes to Sunday morning, all our energy is gone.

We speak at the local school board, when our taxes are misued.
At the Lions' lunch we read minutes, when the clerk has been excused.
At the game we hand out programs, in the shower we love to sing.
When it comes to Sunday morning, we can't seem to do a thing.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 12/8/97    
[from Jim Moore Jr via UGA Humor List]

Called out of town, an executive for a parts company dictated an e-mail to Allis-Chalmers (an
equipment company) in Milwaukee saying that he'd be unable to keep their appointment on
Friday.

Upon his return, he found a print-out of the message on his desk:
        "Dear Alice,
            I'm off to Texas and afraid I can't keep our date..."

He immediately telephoned the purchasing agent and said, "I should like to explain my e-mail."

The agent said, "Explain it ???  It's been on the bulletin board for a week."
+--------------------------------------+
[from the "Manchester Guardian", via HAND!]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam",
he replied courteously. "Is the resturant open still?" inquired
Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all
night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and tood the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he
replied. "And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple
of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order,
Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night
passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check
out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep
well?"  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food  to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really
weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well,
perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest  Comments
Book. We are always looking to improve our srevice and would value
your opinion," said the receptionist. "Ok I will...thanks!" replied
Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment
into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written.  Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!'' 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 12/9/97    
[from  Barcillo, via UGA Humor List]

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. 
Eve got angry and yeld at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.  "What the heck
are you doing?" he asked

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded
+--------------------------------------+
[from Paul Frazier, via UGA Humor List]

A travelling minister came upon a small farmhouse as night fell.  Since he
had no place to spend the night, he knocked on the door to ask if he could
stay at the farm.  The older, religious couple welcomed him in with open
arms.  To celebrate his arrival, he slaughtered one of his prize turkeys
and she roasted it for dinner.

The next morning, she made turkey hash and pancakes for breakfast.  After
eating, the minister went out to preach to the nearby town, and returned to
the farm for the night.

Once again, in the morning, the old woman made turkey hash and pancakes for
breakfast.  The minister mumbled "Hebrews 13:8" as he left, but since the
couple were hard of hearing, they didn't understand him.

The next morning, she made turkey hash and pancakes again.  The minister
refused to eat, yelling "Hebrews 13:8!" and stomping out the door.  The old
couple understood him this time, and dug out the family Bible to look it
up.  It said, "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever."
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg, on REHU]

You Know You're Lutheran When...

...the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60
minutes.

...you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles
because they're not so messy then.

...you don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because
you think it's impolite.

...your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.

...you don't know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 12/10/97   
[from Alan Edmonds via "Geoff's Joke List"]

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they
decided to go by airplane.  When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons.   "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she
asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures.  "They're carrion." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Roger Taranto, via UGA Humor List]

 Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks
away when his Econoline ran out of gas.  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied:

 "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley]

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute
that all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok
life could be so sweet
if we had those special keys
ctrl-and alt-delete

Your boss is mad your bills not paid
your wife, well she's just mute.
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot.

You'd like to have another job
you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew
     ctrl and alt delete

-- Author Unknown
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 12/11/97   
[from Kitty's Daily Mews archives]

Clam Heaven 

This poor wee little clam died, but fortunately went to heaven. Of course,
he received the standard issue Harp. 

Some of the other clams in heaven befriended him and tried to make him feel
at home. After a couple weeks, some of the other clams asked the newest
little clam if he'd like to join them for the evening. They planned to
sneak out and go to Hell. Heaven was a lovely place, but not terribly
exciting. He agreed. They decided to visit an old clam friend in Hell. Sam
Clam. Sam ran a little dance place down in hell and the heavenly clams
thought they would take in some wine, girl clams, and song. 

Off they go. They have a great time. But, oops, it's getting late and the
gates of Heaven will be closing for the night. So they decide to high tail
it back to heaven. As they approach the gates, the newest little clam is
suddenly struck by a thought: he exclaims, oh lord, how am i ever going to
explain that "I left my Harp in Sam Clam's Disco?" 

+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Susan Polizzi, on REHU]

MANUFACTURER'S NOTICE:

It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was
shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect
necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance
of your unit.

1.  It is necessary to inform her/him of any members who are
hospitalized.

2.  It is necessary to inform him/her of any members who should be
added to the "shut-in" list.

3.  If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor's
prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the
prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or she/he won't
know.

4.  If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service
from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him/her.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause.  If these special
procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit
back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as
one becomes available. 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 12/12/97   
[forwarded by Maria Rocco]

Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

 The Best and Worst Comments Received
 ====================================

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all
on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?  That's the
way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. 
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
class."

"Help!  I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"Recitation was great.  It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then
solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching.  My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in
all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have
used the text."

"What's the quality of the text?  Text is printed on high quality
paper."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 12/13/97   
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

THE NIGHTS OF CHANUKAH

On the first night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
A warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the second night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
2 matzah balls and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the third night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
3 golden latkes,
2 matzah balls,
And a warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the fourth night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
4 pounds of corned beef,
3 golden latkes,
2 matzah balls,
And a warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the fifth night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
5 kosher dills,
4 pounds of corned beef,
3 golden latkes,
2 matzah balls,
And a warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the sixth night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
6 grandmas cooking,
5 kosher dills,
4 pounds of corned beef,
3 golden latkes,
2 matzah balls,
And a warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the seventh night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
7 rabbis dancing,
6 grandmas cooking,
5 kosher dills,
4 pounds of corned beef,
3 golden latkes,
2 matzah balls,
And a warm bagel topped with cream cheese...

On the eight night of Chanukah my true love gave to me,
8 fiddlers fiddling,
7 rabbis dancing,
6 grandmas cooking,
5 kosher dills,
4 pounds of corned beef,
3 golden latkes,
2 matzah balls,
And a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 12/14/97   
[from Lela Lowe, on REHU]

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.  If authentic, it would shed light on
the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday.  Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me
to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will
know I love you, even when you cannot see me.   Regardless of how selfish and
childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.   And it was a good
animal.  And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.  And
Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new
animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.  And Adam
was comforted.  And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like
a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him
forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 12/15/97   
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

Name That Christmas Tune #3 [The RJ group got the other two sets]

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in
their belief.

2. Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.

3. Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness.

4. An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good give
to the terrestrial sphere.

5. Embellish the interior passageways.

6. Exalted heavenly beings to whom harkened from above.

7. Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.

8. The Christmas preceding all others.

9. Small municipality in Judea southeast of Jerusalem.

10. Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic
cylinders.

11. Omnipotent supreme being who relaxes into ecstasy distinguished
males.

12. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute
crystals.

13. Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine
perennial gift-giver.

14. Natal Celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as a
hallucinatory phenomenon for me.

15. In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.

16. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature's
dormancy.

17. The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of Far
eastern heads of state.

18. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic,
resonant cups.

19. In a distant location, the existence of an improvised unit of
newborn children's slumber furniture.

20. Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological Alpine
formation.

21. Jovial Yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural
by us.

Answers:
1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
3. Silent Night
4. Joy to the World
5. Deck the Halls
6. Angels We Have Heard on High
7. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
8. The First Noel
9. O Little Town of Bethlehem
10. Little Drummer Boy
11. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
12. Frosty the Snowman
13. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
14. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
15. O Holy Night
16. Winter Wonderland
17. We Three Kings
18. Jingle Bells
19. Away in a Manger
20. Go Tell It On the Mountain
21. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 12/16/97   
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night,
they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom.  She'll tell you it's
much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
+--------------------------------------+
[attributed to Bill Cosby's book "Fatherhood"]

THE FIRST PARENT

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.  After
creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he
said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making
the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was
angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the first parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I don't know," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.  But there is a
reassurance In this story.  If you have persistently and lovingly tried to
give them wisdom and they haven't taken it don't be hard on yourself.  If
God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece
of cake for you?
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 12/17/97   
[from Mike Dimond, via Rehu]

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first---it wet the bed.

                 -author unknown
+--------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]
  Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats.
Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.

 Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for
Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"

 Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you
know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"

 Darth Vader shot Luke an icey glare, "I felt your presents."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau, via UGA Humor List]

Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility
to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents.  People who, by
their nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than are
those who are consistently grumpy malcontents.  Thus, the surly bird
gets the germ.
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jonathan Colan, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE RUBBER SOUL

NEW YORK (DWPI) -- For decades, conventional wisdom has held that
chicken soup could help alleviate symptoms of a cold, but a new study
has revealed that soup made from a rubber chicken actually cures a cold
entirely and immunizes the user against ever contracting a cold again.
Researchers at Guffaw University have long hypothesized that if condoms
can help prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, then
rubber chickens should provide even stronger protection against the cold
virus than conventional organic chickens.  A spokesman for the rubber
chicken industry said, "Thank God!  Our sales never recovered from the
death of Henny Youngman."  Mr. Youngman, who now lives in California,
had no comment.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 12/18/97   
[from Stan Kegel]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a
minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his
study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could
discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking
about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long
hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!
+--------------------------------------+
[from Brenda Daverin, on Rehu]
  1997 Brenda Daverin. Please do not distribute without this notice.

The San Franciscan 23rd Psalm

The Deity is my self-esteem facilitator,
I shall not want for Prozac.
He/She/It guides me through the open space preserves,
He/She/It leads me beside the seasonal creek bed,
He/She/It restores my inner child.
He/She/It sets before me a low-fat vegan banquet
Which I share with my support group.
He/She/It anoints my head with Rogaine
My recycling bin overflows.
Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of weight gain,
I shall fear no obesity
For his/her/its goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days that I exercise
And I shall soak in the hot tub of the Deity forever.

(c) 1997 Brenda Daverin. Please do not distribute without this notice.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 12/19/97   
[from "Parables, Etc."]

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the
Christmas story.  He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus.  He was so excited he just had to tell his
parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first
Christmas!  There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny
guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"

And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there
yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way
around."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

Young lad on knee of a department-store Santa: "Please notice one thing -- I'm adequately
clothed."
                                - - - - -

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to
the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that
looked strangely like a bullet.

She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat
pine tree.

"It's not a Christmas tree." he said.  "It's a cartridge in a pear tree."
                                - - - - -
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,  "And what would you like for
Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,  then gasped: "Didn't you get my
letter ?"
                                - - - - -

At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", a little boy said to
his sister, "Listen Jean !  They're  playing our song."
                                - - - - -

A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: "And I want to thank you for all the presents
you have sent in the past, as well  as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 12/20/97   
[from Marsha, via HAND!]

My chanukah cards this year were all environmentally correct, they were made from recycled
christmas trees...
+--------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS

 10.  There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special".

  9.  Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).

  8.  No need to clean the chimney.

  7.  There's no latke-nog.

  6.  Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.

  5.  You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

  4.  You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."

  3.  No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."

  2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Hanukkah is better than Christmas...

  1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Len Campbell.  Similar one forwarded by Dave Wigley.]

WARNING ......WARNING ADVENT VIRUS IS GOING OUT

I received the following through cyberspace:

Be on the alert for symptoms of inner HOPE, PEACE, JOY AND LOVE.
The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to this virus and
it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in
epidemic proportions.  This could pose a serious threat to what has,
up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of THE ADVENT VIRUS:
+  A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears
based on past experiences.
+  An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
+  A loss of interest in judging other people.
+  A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
+  A loss of interest in conflict.
+  A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
+  Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
+  Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
+  Frequent attacks of smiling.
+  An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them
   happen.
+  An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as
   well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Please send this warning out to all your friends.  This virus can and
has affected many systems.  Some systems have been completely cleaned
out because of it.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 12/21/97   
[from David J. Silvester, via Reader's Digest]

A friend's daughter works in a large bookstore and is often amused by the combinations of books
customers choose.  She found it particularly funny when a woman approached the checkout
counter with two best-sellers.  The first was titled "Conversations With God."  The second? 
"How to Argue and Win Every Time."
+--------------------------------------+
[from David E Flavell, via EcuLaugh]

   An evangelist and a pastor are out hunting, when suddenly, out of
nowhere, a grizzly bear appears. They sprint back to their hut as
fast as they can, with the bear in close pursuit.

   The evangelist gets there first and pulls open the door. The pastor goes
hurtling inside with the bear right behind, whereupon the evangelist slams
the door shut from the outside.

   There is an anguished cry as the pastor screams "What are you doing?"

   To which the evangelist replies: "I just bring them in - once they're
inside, they're your responsibility!" 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Hank Snedeker-Meier, via EcuLaugh]

Presbyterians have basically two strategies for evangelism.

The first is the "Little Bopeep" Strategy:  "Leave them alone, and they'll
come home, wagging their tails behind them."

The second is the "Field of Dreams" strategy:  "If we build it, they will
come."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Jimmy Pitson, via EcuLaugh]

  A very timid gentleman had heard his pastor preach over and over again
about boldness in sharing Jesus with the lost.  This man began to pray
for the Lord to give him a sign as to when he was to witness.  The next
day he got on the bus to ride to work.  Just as he sat down the biggest,
meanest looking man he had ever seen got on the bus, walked down the
aisle, and sat next to him.  When the man sat down he began to weep.
He turned to the timid man and said "I'm lost and don't know how to be
saved.  I need someone to tell me about Jesus.  Are you a Christian?"
The timid gentleman immediately bowed his head and prayed "Lord, is
this a sign?"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 12/22/97   
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Night before Christmas for MOMs

       It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
    Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
       The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
  While visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

                 The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
              With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
           So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
              Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

           With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
             She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
      He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
      "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

            "Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
              "Your gift was especially difficult to make."
           "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
            "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

                "A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
             Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
                The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
             Same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, "

           She'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy,
     Watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
              "My dream come true! "I'll shop. I'll read.,
                   I'll sleep a whole night through! "

            From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
                   "Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."
              The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
              "Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

           The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
             as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
             "You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
             The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

           The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
             That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
            Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
                Only one loving mother, is needed here."

           The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
                "Thank you, Santa,  for clearing my head.
               I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
              When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

                 The clock on the mantle began to chime.
          Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
           With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
               Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 12/23/97   
[from Chris Anderson, via EcuLaugh]

A girl was running to church with her new dress. She kept on praying on
the way "Don't make me late Lord. Don't make me late Lord."

    As she was crossing the street she tripped and fell both ripping her
dress and getting dirty. Then she prayed "Don't make me late, Lord, but
don't push either!"
+--------------------------------------+

[from Hannelore Dill, via Wit & Wisdom]

  Stephen Palmer, curate at St. John's church in Cardiff, Wales was calling around collecting
Christian Aid envelopes he had delivered a few days earlier.  He knocked at one door and a little
old lady answered, "Good day," said the cleric brightly, "I've come for the Christian Aid
envelope."

  "I'm awfully sorry," replied the old dear, "but the dog ate it."   The young priest who had a dog
himself, smiled broadly and nodded knowingly. 

"Would you like another envelope?"  He asked.  The old lady shook her head and in all
seriousness said: "No thanks, the first one made him sick." 
+--------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

THE TOP 10 MOVIES TO RENT DURING HANUKKAH:

     10. The Rocky Hora Picture Show

      9. Yenta in a Blue Dress

      8. Rabbi Scissorhands

      7. Seven - but for you, 6.50

      6. Matzo Impossible

      5. Goy Story

      4. Mensch and Menschability

      3. The Mirror Has Two Faces - but for you, 1-3/4

      2. The Hunchback of Temple Beth Israel

    and, for the second year in a row, number 1 remains

         Prelude to a Briss
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 12/24/97   
[forwarded by Dave Wigley, on Rehu]

All stations are to be on the lookout for the following individual(s) that are WANTED by an
agency(ies) within the United States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest
in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the world.
NAME: Kringle, Christopher
Also Known As: Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick
Race: Unknown
Height: 6' 0"
Weight: 320 lbs
Scars/tattoos: Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas
Last seen wearing Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear.  Red hat with white
tassel. Known to be driving a 1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle
was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law.

Wanted for the following criminal violations:
Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone,
Breaking and entering dwellings, leaving un-addressed packages in violation of US Postal Laws,
Intentional dumping of reindeer feces in sewer drains in violation of US EPA Laws,
Unlawful crossing of US Borders without reporting the crossing to US Customs,
Failure to obtain a non-resident work permit from INS,
Operating a motor vehicle that is not in compliance with US DOT regulations,
Unlawful work practice in violation of the Equal Opportunity laws of the USA (Will not employ
people taller then 4 ),
Excess noise from motor vehicle in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic laws (Sound
of HO HO HO coming from vehicle),
Failure to respond to repeated request for Identification by FAA Flight controllers, 
Violation of the sovereign airspace of the United States of America.

Individual is known to force Goodwill and Peace among all men/women. Has been know to
assault people with vicious bouts of laugh and fun.  If contact is made with above individual,
caution should be taken as to not become happy and gay, especial with thoughts of sugar plums.
Detain individual and contact either Detective Grinch, North Pole Police Dept., Alaska, OR
Special Agent Scrooge of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

All persons are reminded to HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY SAFE AND
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

******* Please disseminate as far and wide as possible *******

To All our Friends and Business Associates:
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanakah, and Warmest Wishes for a Healthy and Prosperous New
Year...
From All the folks at the Emergency Response & Research Institute
EmergencyNet News Service
Emergency BBS On-Line Services
+--------------------------------------+
**** Thu 12/25/97   
[from LaughNet, by John Leo] 

 "Jesus and the Elves"

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great
with child.  And she brought forth a son and  wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a
manger because there was no room for them in the inn.  And the angel of the Lord spoke to the
shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy.  Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ
the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by.  As he
explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said
sadly.  "That's a no-no, too."  Joseph had a bright idea.  "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a
savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland
creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and
snowmen, too," he said.  "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward
religion.  Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.  Mary
complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture.  "Artistic license," he 
said.  "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in
winter," he quipped.  "We're not haggard or homeless.  The inn was just full," said Mary.
"Whatever," said the painter.  Two women began to argue fiercely.  One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood."  The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if
they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well,
then, she was all for them.  "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a
third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the
natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and
Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how
many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for
the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an
elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as
picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance.
He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other
arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will.
He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass
and ox.  Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.  Mary was exasperated.  "And what
about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman.  "Are you here to attack the
shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies
us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and
joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."  Sure
enough, the three wise men rode up.  The crowd gasped, "They're all male!"  And "Not very
multicultural!"  "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.  "Yes, but how many of you are
gay or disabled?" someone shouted.  A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished
lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the
world."  At last, a sane person, Mary thought.  She turned to see a radiant and confident female
face.  The woman spoke again:  "There is one thing, though.  Religious holidays are important,
but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this
business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's
winter'?"  "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in
midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far.  Centuries from now, in nations
yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday.
That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Fri 12/26/97   
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.  She had explained
about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  Now it was
question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things. What am
I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
+--------------------------------------+

[from Phil Corless, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the
classified ad department of a newspaper.  She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged
Caumeneur."  The ad taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion
of French words into the local vocabulary.  "Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "c-o-w m-a-n-u-r-e."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Steve Sanderson, via HAND!]

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended
up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby
bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge
wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with
either of his parents. 

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly." 

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother,
right?" 

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear
does." 

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to
do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives
you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. 

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in
Chicago." 

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the
judge. 

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat
anybody." 
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sat 12/27/97   
Q. How do you tell an atheist at a ball game?  
A. They are the ones singing "Hmmmm bless America."
+--------------------------------------+
Christian: I understand you converted and are longer an atheist.  Why did you convert?
Atheist: No holidays!
+--------------------------------------+
An athiest is an individual with no invisible strings attached.
+--------------------------------------+
A woman, newly married, comes home from her honeymoon crying to her mother: "Alfed is an
athiest and he doesn't believe in hell."

Said her mother, "Don't worry, between the two of us, we will show him what hell is like."
+--------------------------------------+
[from Tidbits, via A Joke A Day]

Prayer and the Athiest 

 There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday,
 when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to
 himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she
 know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to
 her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time?
 Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
 
 One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord
 explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.  AS
 USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph...I'll
 fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries,
 took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door
 bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the
 door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart,
 jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere!
 
 The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady,
 God didn't buy you those groceries, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I bought those groceries!"
 
 Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
 praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem
 was...She said, "I  KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME 
 GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL 
 PAY FOR THEM!"
+--------------------------------------+
**** Sun 12/28/97   
[from Jean, on Rehu]

"A Child, a Child, shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold,
Let us bring him silver and gold."

Last night in the midst of our festivities, the kids brought up the irrational character of these lines
from a carol.  Elizabeth thought a blanket would have been more appropriate for a child shivering
in the cold.
+--------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Naomi, on Rehu]

I took a friend of mine who is visually impaired to church with me this
morning. Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated with
her Braille Bible. One of the adults came over to see what the kids were
so excited about, and Ellen told the woman, "Oh, well, I was telling them
how bumpy the road to salvation is."
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/4824/ ]

A Pastor's Job Description

As nearly everyone knows, the Pastor has practically nothing to do except -

Decide what is to be done;

Tell somebody to do it;

Listen to reasons why it should not be done;

Listen to reasons why it should be done by someone else;

Listen to reasons why it should be done in a different way;

Follow up to see if the thing has been done;

Discover that it has not;

Inquire why;

Listen to excuses from the person who should have done it;

Follow up again to see if the thing has been done, only to 

Discover that it has been done incorrectly;

Point out how it should have been done;

Conclude that as long as it has been done, though incorrectly, it may as well be left as it is;

Wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing right;

Reflect that certainly any successor would be just as bad, or even maybe worse;

Consider how much simpler and better the thing would have been done if one had done it himself
in the first place;

Reflect sadly that one could have done it right in twenty minutes, and as things turned out, one
has to spend two days to find out why it has taken three weeks for somebody else to do it wrong.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Mon 12/29/97   
[from Stan Kegel]

An astronaut became stranded on a planet of giants. The 
astronaut needed shelter from the harsh conditions on the 
planet, so one of the giants said he could live in his hollowed 
out tooth in exchange for cleaning the giant's teeth after each 
meal. There's some that think this made theastronaut the giant's 
slave... .but in reality he was just an indentured servant. 
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://members.aol.com/grannyx7/DGF.html]

 1. What do you call Sitting Bull's daughter?
 2. What's a young Oriental?
 3. What's a city in outer space?
 4. What are worms to a fisherman?
 5. What do you use to shoot pool?
 6. What's a spouse you're tired of?
 7. What does a belly dancer practice?
 8. Where did Cleopatra live?
 9. What's a thirsty surgeon?
10. What's a quick lawsuit?
11.. What's automatic drive?
12. What's a bargain called?
13. What's a rich eccentric?
14. What are stubby fingers?
15. What's a make-believe ache?
16. What's a talent for fibbing?
17. What's a canine parent?
18. What's a small nail?
 
 Answers:

 1.  Mischief
 2.  Asia minor
 3. University
 4.  Debate
 5. Acoustic
 6. Stalemate
 7. Naval maneuvers
 8. Denial
 9. Drydock
10. Brief case
11. Shiftless
12. Good-by
13. Doughnut
14. Shorthand
15. Champagne
16. Liability
17. Dogma
18. Attack
+--------------------------------------+
**** Tue 12/30/97   
[from the Jewish Humor List.  This is just an excerpt from a VERY long joke, which is on the
website at http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/5655/rj/1228-3.html ]

+----------------------------------------------------+
: THIS PARODY IS INTENDED ONLY FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES.:
: IF ANYONE IS OFFENDED, WE APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.    :
: WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS, COMPLAINTS,   :
: AND SUGGESTIONS. PLEASE SEND THEM TO:              :
: KennethGMiller@juno.com or IleneMM@juno.com        :
:                                                    :
: (c) 1997 Akiva and Ilene Miller. Permission is     :
: granted to copy and recirculate, but only for      :
: free, and only if we get the credit (or blame!)    :
:                                                    :
: To get the nicely-formatted Word6 version,         :
: write me at KGMiller@DatacorInc.com                :
+----------------------------------------------------+

Have you ever wondered what Xmas would be like it if were a Jewish
holiday?....

Laws regarding Xmas Trees

1. ANY SPECIES OF TREE IS KOSHER FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE, PROVIDED THAT
IT HAS NEEDLES AND NOT LEAVES. IN OUR LANDS IT IS CUSTOMARY TO USE A
FIR TREE.(7) IT SHOULD BE REASONABLY FRESH, BUT NOT TOO FRESH, IN
ACCORDANCE WITH THE PRINCIPLE "A XMAS TREE WITH NO FALLEN NEEDLES IS
LIKE A SUKKAH WITH NO BUZZING BEES."

(7) If the lady of the house already has a fur, then any evergreen may be used.

2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS
TREE; IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT
FOR GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS
TREE, SOME AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN
TREE IS NOT VALID FOR THE MITZVAH.(8) FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO
CHOP HIS OWN TREE HIMSELF.(9)

(8) One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission from the landowner to do
so. Ideally, cut only from one's own backyard. A tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the
county park (which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as stolen and pasul.
(9) One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase it from a reputable
dealer, or one who is certified by a national kashrus organization.

3. DURING THE SHMITTA YEAR, A JEW MAY NOT CUT THE TREE DOWN, BUT IT
SHOULD BE DONE BY A GENTILE. HOWEVER, SINCE THE TREE IS INEDIBLE, THE
PROBLEMS OF "KEDUSHAS SHVIIS" WHICH APPLY TO THE ESROG DO NOT APPLY
TO THE XMAS TREE.

4. THE TREE MUST BE BRIGHT GREEN. BRIGHT RED, OR A MIXTURE OF GREEN
AND RED, IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE FOR A XMAS TREE(10), BUT BROWN IS NOT.
THERE MAY BE ONE BROWN SPOT NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE,(11) BUT IN
THE TOP HALF OF THE TREE, EVEN ONE BROWN SPOT WILL PASSUL THE TREE. A
TRULY PIOUS PERSON WILL MAKE SURE TO BRING ALONG A XMAS TREE EXPERT
WHEN HE GOES TO LOOK FOR HIS TREE.(12)

(10) Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many Sefaradim adorn the tree with red
poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer poinsettas. (11) Or even two, provided they are on
opposite sides so they cannot be both seen at the same time. (12) But it is more macho to pretend
to be an expert and pick the tree out himself.

5. THE REQUIRED HEIGHT OF THE TREE IS SUBJECT TO MANY RULES. AN INDOOR
TREE MUST BE TALL ENOUGH SO THAT IT REACHES WITHIN 3 TEFACHIM OF THE
CEILING.(13) AN OUTDOOR TREE MUST BE AT LEAST 20 AMOS TALL.

(13) Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a smaller tree - even a bonsai -
may be used, provided it has toy people around it who will make it appear tall.

6. THE LAW IS "ETZ ISH U'BEITO" - ONE TREE FOR A MAN AND HIS HOME. THIS
TEACHES THAT INDIVIDUALS MUST HAVE A XMAS TREE AT THEIR HOME, AND
THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE TREE IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE FAMILY,
BUT PUBLIC PLACES ARE EXEMPT. IF ONE WISHES TO PLACE HIS PERSONAL
TREE IN A PUBLIC LOCATION HE MAY DO SO, BUT HE WILL NOT HAVE
FULFILLED HIS OBLIGATION UNLESS IT IS TRULY SEEN BY THE PUBLIC. IN THIS
CASE, "SEEN BY THE PUBLIC" MEANS THAT THE TREE IS LARGE ENOUGH THAT
IT IS SHOWN ON THE LOCAL TV NEWS REPORTS.(14)

(14) This is the origin of the custom of the great tree in Rockefeller Center, where a shaliach from
Lubavitch lights the tree just before sunset on Erev Xmas, and is then returned to Crown Heights
by an NYPD helicopter in time for the dinner meal.

7. IN RECENT YEARS, THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT CONTROVERSY OVER THE USE
OF MANUFACTURED TREES. L'HALACHA, SOME HOLD THEY ARE PASUL,(15)
WHILE OTHER AUTHORITIES HOLD THEY ARE VALID.(16)  L'MAASEH, HOWEVER,
EVEN THE LENIENT OPINIONS HOLD THAT ARTIFICIAL TREES ARE TOO TACKY,
AND THUS VIOLATE THE PRINCIPLE OF "HADAR". BUT IF ONE HAS ALREADY MET
HIS OBLIGATION BY DISPLAYING AT LEAST ONE KOSHER XMAS TREE, HE MAY
HAVE ADDITIONAL TREES OF ANY KIND, NATURAL OR NOT.(17)

(15) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("A tree is alive"), teaching
that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it
was alive at some point. (16) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("It
is a tree of life"), teaching that some trees have life, and others do
not necessarily have life. (17) Similarly, manufactured trees are
acceptable in malls, offices, and other exempt public places.

8. ORIGINALLY, THE LAW WAS THAT THE TREE MUST BE DISPLAYED SO THAT IT
WOULD BE VISIBLE TO PASSERS-BY OUTSIDE THE HOME. OVER THE CENTURIES,
AS PERSECUTIONS INCREASED, THE PEOPLE INSIDE THE HOME BECAME THE
MAIN AUDIENCE. EVEN SO, IT SHOULD BE DISPLAYED IN A PROMINENT AREA OF
THE HOUSE, TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THIS MITZVAH. WHEN POSSIBLE, IT SHOULD
PREFERABLY BE BY A WINDOW WHERE IT COULD BE VIEWED FROM THE
STREET, TO CONTINUE THE ORIGINAL PRACTICE.
+--------------------------------------+
**** Wed 12/31/97   
My New Year's Resolution is:     1024x768
+--------------------------------------+
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor ]

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 
 
As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so 
important New Year's Resolutions.  I have faithfully made such resolutions in 
the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my 
best to continue making progress on them year after year. 
 
Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 1996 Edition": 
 
Resolution #1 
  1993: I will not let my boss push me around. 
  1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 
  1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 
  1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. 
 
Resolution #2 
  1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 
  1994: I will read at least 10 books a year. 
  1995: I will read 5 books a year. 
  1996: I will finish The Pelican Brief 
 
Resolution #3 
  1993: I will not get upset when Dave and Aaron make jokes about my baldness. 
  1994: I will not get annoyed when  Dave and  Aaron kid me about my toupee. 
  1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 
  1996: I will not speak to Dave and  Aaron 
 
Resolution #4 
  1993: I will get my weight down below 180. 
  1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 
  1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 
  1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 
 
Resolution #5 
  1993: I will not spend my money frivolously. 
  1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 
  1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 
  1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999. 
 
Resolution #6 
  1993: I will see my dentist this year. 
  1994: I will have my cavities filled this year. 
  1995: I will have my root canal work done this year. 
  1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. 
+--------------------------------------+
[from William Conway, via HAND!]

Martha Stewart's January Calendar

Jan. 1 1998
   Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.
Jan. 3
    Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Jan. 5
    Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan. 7
    Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8
    Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 10
    Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan. 13
    Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their
dismissal notes.
Jan. 15
    MLK birthday.  Find out who MLK is.
Jan. 16
    Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan. 20
    Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 21
    Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 23
    Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Jan. 25
    Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 26
    Review the Christmas '96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even
though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan. 28
    Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 31
    Gild lilies.
