
  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
  _/ From : Neville - Durban, Kwazulu Natal, RSA  _/
  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------+

             The Philosophy Of Drinking

 This little bar song was ripped from a Monty Python
 skit which (hopefully) many fans would recognise.
 Now you can sing along!


 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
 Who was very rarely stable.
 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 
 Who could think you under the table.

 David Hume could out-consume 
 Schopenhauer and Hegel.
 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
 Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

 There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach you 
 *Bout the raising on the wrist.
 Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed...

 John Stuart Mill of his own free will
 After half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
 Plato, they say, could stick it away,
 Half a crate of whiskey every day.

 Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
 Hobbes was fond of his dram.
 And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
 *I drink therefore I am.*

 Then, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed.
 A lovely little thinker... 
 But a bugger when he's pissed!

+---------------------------------------------------+

      _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
      _/ From : Shmang - Calgary, Alberta, Canada _/
      _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/


+-----------------------------------------------------------+

  How Dogs and Men Are the Same

  Both take up too much space on the bed.
  Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  Both are threatened by their own kind.
  Both mark their territory.
  Both are bad at asking you questions.
  Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  Neither does any dishes.
  Both fart shamelessly.
  Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  Both like dominance games.
  Both are suspicious of the postman.
  Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
  Neither understands what you see in cats.

  How Dogs Are Better than Men

  Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
  Dogs don't criticize your friends.
  Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they
    never laugh at how you throw).
  Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
  You can train a dog.
  Dogs are easy to buy for.
  You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
  Dogs understand what no means.
  Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a
     younger owner.
  Dogs admit it when they're lost.
  Dogs are color blind.
  Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
  Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

+-----------------------------------------------------------+

The [fiction] book that I am currently reading mentions a song: "The Frog Who Loved a Cow".  Part of one verse is given, plus a description of another:
        "And *up* he jumped,
         And *up* he jumped,
         And *up* he jumped again - "
  At the end of the verse, the frog collapsed in exhaustion and the cow still didn't know he was there.  The other verse has the frog smearing himself with pitch to stick to the back of the cow.

===========================================

        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
        _/ From : Java - Bangalore, Karnataka, India  _/
        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+-------------------------------------------------------------------+

 A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than
 half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a pushbike
 weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles.

 "Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.

 "It's some crazy politician," replied the kid, "He's lying in the
  middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is
  threatening to set fire to  himself. We're taking up a collection
  for him. Would you like to donate mister?"

 "How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.

 "Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three
  lighters."

+-------------------------------------------------------------------+

WELCOME TO MONDAY - Here are some things you can do in the office
today.  Taken from an article in a Seattle paper.  - By Mike Carter. 
Slightly altered.

* Play a game of Twister.  Rather than spin a needle on a board, spin
your boss around as fast as you can.  If he pukes, everyone gets the day
off.
* Unplug the refrigerator.  Three hours later, award a "Rankest Lunch o'
the Day" trophy.
* Make the guy who's always late eat the smelly lunch for breakfast.
* Lower all the desks to ankle level.
* Post a memo stating that all employees who haven't erased unlicensed
software on their computers _by last Friday_ will be fired.
* Hastily scribble "Lost: Red-and-black boa constrictor" on the
chalkboard.
* Stage a mock murder for the window washer to "accidently" observe.
* Argue over who invented the Macerena dance, the Wave, and how long
before someone combines them into the MacaWave.
* Pants everyone whose last name starts with "T."
* Leave a fake list of salaries in the copier.
* Change the coffee to decaf, and watch everyone become really
irritable.
* Call a meeting and announce "Listen.  This computer thing just isn't
working out.  You'll all have typewriters and White Out on your desks
after lunch."
* Every hour on the hour, scream "Hey Mo!" followed by a low-pitched
"nyuk nyuk."
* Start rumors about the new dress code, "All Fuchsia, all the time."

(Shared by Eric Clark)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                   The Engineer's Song

     (SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES)

   Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
   A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
   But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
   He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
   VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;

   Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
   The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
   They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
   So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
   Motorola that is ...  dry heat ... no amusement parks;

   On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
   Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
   They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
   Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
   OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

   The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
   Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
   They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
   They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
   Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

   Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
   Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
   Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
   Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
   Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...


        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
        _/ From : Minoda - Knoppieslaagte, Gauteng, RSA _/
        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+-------------------------------------------------------------------+

 Van walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he
 looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls
 the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink.

 The bartender says, 'Listen pal, let me save you some trouble.
 She's a lesbian.'

 Van takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says,
 'that's OK, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway.

 So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her
 glass and gives Van a nod of thanks. Van gets up from his bar stool
 and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool
 next to her and says, 'So, what part of Lesbia are you from?'

                   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 Two Irish blokes are out drinking one night and one pipes up with
 'Paddy, me lad, when I die - I want you should pour a jar of you
 best home brew over me grave. Will you do that, Paddy me boy?'

 After thinking it over a bit, Paddy asks, 'do you mind if I pass
 it through my kidneys first?'

                   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 Old farmer John was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
 With a low voice he said to his wife, 'When I'm dead I want you to
 marry farmer Jones.'
 Wife: 'No, I can't marry anyone after YOU.
 John: 'But I want you to.'
 Wife: 'But why?'
 John: 'Jones once cheated ne in a horse deal!'

                   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor
 puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'big breaths.'
 The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'

                   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 A woman opens her front door on Halloween night and finds a little
 boy in a pirate costume, 'oh, what an adorable pirate!' she exclaims,
 'where are your buccaneers?'
 'Under my buccan hat,' he replies.

                   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 How do you tell an Irishman on an oilrig?
 He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

+-------------------------------------------------------------------+

     This and That from the collection of David & Virginia:

On PUNS:
  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten
  different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

On ORIGINS:
  A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie
  theatre. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said,
  "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn
  any  manners? Where did you come from?"
  The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

On DRUMMERS:
  Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. None.  They have machines that do that now.

SING, SING A SONG:
    Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day
  were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
  The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been
  given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the
  participants.
    The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you
  have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love
  dance music. Could you please play The Macarana for me one last time?"
  "Certainly," replied the warden.
   He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you,
   son?  What is your final request?"
  "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

PROGRAMMERS DRINKING SONG:
   100 little bugs in the code,
   100 bugs in the code,
   fix one bug, compile it again,
   101 little bugs in the code.
   101 little bugs in the code.....
   (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

FATHER KNOWS BEST:
  A fellow asks his teenage son to go to the lumber yard
  and to buy some 4 X 2's. When the kid gets to the yard,
  he is told that they have lots of 2 X 4's, but no 4 X 2's.
  "I had better go home and check with my Dad."
  After listening to the tale, the father says "Go ahead
  and get the 2 X 4's, and when you get them home, we can
  turn them around."

HELPFUL DEFINITION:
  Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
  Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
      - Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

================================================
   Sent in by Patricia Thomas who notes:

     Of course no boss (of mine anyway) should take this personally.

        12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on:
                 How to Enhance their Relationship:

    1.  Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 5:00
        and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is
        refreshing.

    2.  If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
        minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.

    3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It
        gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

    4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies,
        don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a
        paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

    5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
        is the priority.  Let me guess.

    6.  Do your best to keep me late.  I like the office and really
        have nowhere to go or anything to do.

    7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  Leaks like that
        could cost me a promotion.

    8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to
        be popular in conversation.

    9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
        down.  If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

   10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  When you refer
        to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

   11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
        really change your life.

   12.  Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and
        it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
>God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
>influential humans:  Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
>
>"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed.  "You each
>have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."  With
>another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
>
>Clinton immediately called his cabinet.  "I have good news and bad
>news," he announced grimly.  "The good news is that there is a God.  The
>bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
>
>In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
>and worse news.  The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a God
>after all.  The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in
>a week."
>
>Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers.  "I have
>good news and better news.  The good news is that God considers me one
>of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed.  "The better
>news is we don't have to fix Windows 95."
>>

=================================================
     Science triumphs once again! Get out your magic marker & edit your 
     periodic table! Two new elements were discovered recently.
     
       
     
     Element:  WOMAN
     
     Symbol:  XX
     
     Atomic weight:  120 (more or less)
     
     Physical properties:  Generally round in form.  Boils at nothing and 
     may freeze anytime.  Melts whenever treated properly.  Very bitter if 
     not used well.
     
     Chemical properties:  Very active.  Possesses strong affinity to gold, 
     silver, platinum, and precious stones.  Violent when left alone.  Able 
     to absorb great amounts of exotic food.  Turns slightly green when 
     placed beside a better specimen.  Ages rapidly.
     
     Usage:  Highly ornamerntal.  An extremely good catalyst for 
     disintegration of wealth.  Probably the most powerful income reducing 
     agent known.
     
     Caution:  Highly explosive in inexperience hands.
     
     -------------------
     
     Yet another New Element on the Periodic Table
     
     Element:  MAN
     
     Symbol:  XY
     
     Common Name(s):  Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
     
     Atomic Weight:  180 +/- 100
     
     Physical Properties:  Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent 
     out of shape.  Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.  Difficult to find a 
     pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct 
     electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
     
     Chemical Properties:  Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get.  
     Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.  Becomes explosive when 
     mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time.  Pretty 
     basic.  Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
     
     Usage:  None really, except methane production.  Good samples are able 
     to produce large quantities on command.
     
     Caution:  In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and 
     begins to smell.

=====================================================
  Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 
     (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). 
     
     Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, 
     it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can 
     do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with 
     Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. 
     
     Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0...
     
  
     - A "Don't remind me again" button
     - Minimize button
     - Shutdown feature
     - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely 
     uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects). 
     
     
     
     I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, 
     they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to 
     uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I 
     tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system 
     directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girlfriend that 
     I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported 
     hardware with gold plated contacts. 
     
     ***** BUG WARNING ******** 
     
     Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 
     before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files 
     before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to 
     install, claiming insufficient resources. 
     
===================================================
>
>  In France, the assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That 
>     is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. 
>     
>     One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have 
>     dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed 
>     how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart 
>     he wondered if there was more between the pastor and his housekeeper 
>     than met the eye. 
>     
>     After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young 
>     priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the 
>     housekeeper and cook and that was that. 
>     
>     About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, 
>     "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been 
>     able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he 
>     took it, do you?" 
>     
>     The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So 
>     he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy 
>     ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the 
>     fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for 
dinner." 
>     
>     The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as 
>     follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the 
>     housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the 
>     housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed 
>     you would find the gravy ladle." 
>
>

         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
         _/ From : Mickey Mouse - Manila, Philippines  _/
         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/


+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+

 Speaking of Flatulence

 An elderly lady was having trouble with intestinal gas, so she decided
 to see her doctor.

 "Doctor", she said "this gas is drivin' me crazy. It doesn't smell, and
 it doesn't make any noise, but it's annoying just the same".

 The doctor nods in understanding, then takes out his prescription pad,
 writes a prescription and hands it to the lady.

 "But doctor" she protests, "aren't you even going to examine me?"
 "That won't be necessary" he replies "just take this medication".
 So the lady gets the prescription filled, and takes it for a few days,
 but notices that the gas attacks are as bad as ever, EXCEPT NOW they
 really SMELL BAD!

 So she goes back to the doctor and explains the new problem. "Doctor",
 she says, "that medicine you gave me didn't help my gas at all. It's
 still so quiet you can't hear it, but it really STINKS now!"

 The doctor nods, and reaches for his prescription pad again. Once again
 the lady protests "But doctor, don't you want to examine me?"

 Once again, he reassures her that it's not necessary to examine her, and
 hands her a new prescription to be filled.

 "Okay", she said reluctantly, taking the prescription from the doctor.
 "By the way, what are these medicines you're prescribing?"

 "Well", he said, "the first one was for your SINUSES, and this one's for
 your HEARING!"

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+


(A UNIX Analog of Desiderata (Max Ehrman, 1927))
                   (mainly as addressed to a network process)

                            Badri Krishnamoorthy
                               badri@srtc.com


- - -----

Route placidly amid channel noise and network failures,
And remember what throughput there may be in executing all alone.

As far as possible, without overflowing buffer
Be on communicative terms with all processes.
Broadcast your data quietly and clearly
And listen(2) to others.
Even to the null and the unreachable,
They too have their requests.
Avoid long and argumentative sessions
They are burdensome to the ether.

If you compare your priority with others'
You may become vain or bitter
For always there will be greater and lesser processes than yourself.

Enjoy your CPUtime as well as your idletime.
Keep cognizance of your portmapper, however low-level
It is a constant port in the changing mappings of the network.

Exercise caution in your execution,
For the kernel is full of traps.
But let this not blind you to what swap space there is;
Many channels strive for high bandwidths, and everywhere
Computing is full of parallelism.

Be yourself.  (Check with getpid(2) frequently)
Especially do not forge NFS file handles.
Neither be cynical about sockets,
For in the face of all congestion and delays
They are as powerful as STREAMS.

Take kindly the influx of new requests,
Gracefully re-prioritizing the older ones.

Nurture support of check-points to rollback from sudden crashes
But do not thrash pages due to imagined pagefaults:
Many core dumps are born of bus error or segmentation faults.

Beyond a nominal consideration,
Be nice(1) to other processes.

You are a child in the kernel space
No less than the daemons and the device drivers,
You have a right to execute here.
And whether or not it is apparent to you
No doubt the kernel is crashing, though it shouldn't.

Therefore be at peace with your programmer
However geeky you think s/he is.
And wherever your read(2)'s and recvfrom(2)'s,
In the noisy communication channels of the network,
Keep a valid (void *) buf available in your address space.
With all its stopped jobs, missing arguments and broken pipes,
It is still a UNIX shell.

Be backward-compatible.
Strive to be up and running always.

- ------- end -------


[Brian found these - some may eventually make it into the humor file, but not right now.]
----------------
Murphy's laws and corollaries

Jump to An Abridged Collection of Interdisciplinary Laws 

MURPHY'S LAWS

   1.Nothing is as easy as it looks. 
   2.Everything takes longer than you think. 
   3.Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. 
   4.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will
cause the most damage
     will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for
something to go wrong, it
     will happen then. 
   5.If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 
   6.If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a
procedure can go wrong, and
     circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly
develop. 
   7.Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 
   8.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something. 
   9.Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 
  10.Mother nature is a bitch. 
  11.It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious. 
  12.Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done
first. 
  13.Every solution breeds new problems. 
Murphy's Law of Research 
     Enough research will tend to support your theory. 
Murphy's Law of Copiers 
     The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance. 
Murphy's Law of the Open Road: 
     When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge
placed at random, and
     there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars
are going in opposite
     directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. 
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics 
     Things get worse under pressure. 
The Murphy Philosophy 
     Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. 
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws 
     Everything goes wrong all at once. 
Murphy's Constant 
     Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value 

Murphy's Corollaries

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious 
Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary): 
     You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter. 
Corollary (Jenning): 
     The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
proportional to the
     cost of the carpet. 

Commentaries

Hill's Commentaries on Murphy's Laws 
   1.If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care. 
   2.If we have nothing to lose by change, relax. 
   3.If we have everything to gain by change, relax. 
   4.If it doesn't matter, it does not matter. 
O'Toole's Commentary 
     Murphy was an optimist. 

NBC's Addendum to Murphy's Law

You never run out of things that can go wrong. 

Murphy's Military Laws

   1.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. 
   2.No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. 
   3.Friendly fire ain't. 
   4.The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a
map. 
   5.The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has
already mined it. 
   6.The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy
somebody else to shoot at. 
   7.The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely
your artillery will shoot
     short. 
   8.Incoming fire has the right of way. 
   9.If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. 
  10.The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. 
  11.If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. 
  12.The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on
abandoned positions. 
  13.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire. 
  14.There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at
you, and miss. 
  15.Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the
combat zone, it draws
     sergeants. 
  16.If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 

Murphy's Technology Laws

   1.You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 
   2.Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence. 
   3.Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something
     which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 
   4.Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not
understand. 
   5.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker
     that came along would destroy civilization. 
   6.The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the
fundamental solvency of the
     firm. 
   7.The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. 
   8.An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until
he knows absolutely
     everything about nothing. 
   9.Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench
     has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. 
  10.All great discoveries are made by mistake. 
  11.Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 
  12.Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 
  13.All's well that ends. 
  14.A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours
are lost. 
  15.The first myth of management is that it exists. 
  16.A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. 
  17.New systems generate new problems. 
  18.To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 
  19.We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 
  20.Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 
  21.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic. 
  22.A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men
working 20 years make. 
  23.Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an
honest day's work. 
  24.Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know
who wrote the book or
     even what book. 
  25.The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult
for the fabricator and
     impossible for the serviceman. 
  26.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the
longest and cost the most.
  27.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 
  28.Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,
two parts which are
     unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. 
  29.A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved
from a simple system that
     works. 
  30.If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number. 
  31.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends
     on human reliability is unreliable. 
  32.Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go
into a "Pearl Harbor File." 
  33.Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity,
     and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. 
  34.If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 
  35.The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the
competition already has
     the order. 
  36.In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be
totalled correctly after
     4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15
a.m. on Monday. 
  37.Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. 
  38.All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. 
  39.The only perfect science is hind-sight. 
  40.Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. 
  41.If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 
  42.If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 
  43.When all else fails, read the instructions. 
  44.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will
cause the most damage
     will be the one to go wrong. 
  45.Everything that goes up must come down. 
  46.Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible
corner. 
  47.Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. 
  48.Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to
use it. 
  49.The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the
level of management. 

Murphy's Love Laws

   1.All the good ones are taken. 
   2.If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1) 
   3.The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. 
   4.Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. 
   5.The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to
how much you love
     them. 
   6.Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

   7.The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it. 
   8.Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. 
   9.Nice guys(girls) finish last. 
  10.If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. 
  11.Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the
minute they find
     someone else. 
=================================================
[Teresa is too chicken to share this with the whole group.]

        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
        _/  From : Sammi's Idol - Calgary, Alberta, Canada  _/
        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+

   The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together
   as they girated to their own tattoo.

   The woman cocked her ear "Quick it's my husband coming through the front
   door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.

   The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and
   as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

   "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

   "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you."
   she repled with a knowing smile.

   "Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in
   two shakes."

   Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the
   lover clapping his hand in mid-air.

   "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

   "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of
   these pesky moths." the lover replied.

   "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

   THe lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said
   "The little bastards."

+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+


 _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
 _/ From : Pam - San Jose, California, USA _/
 _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+----------------------------------------------------------------+

 From the New York Times Bestseller List ...

 DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS >

  1.  The Cat in the Blender
  2.  Are You My Proctologist?
  3.  Fox in Detox
  4.  Who Shat in the Hat?
  5.  Horton Feels a Ho
  6.  The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
  7.  How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  8.  Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
  9.  Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
 10.  One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
 11.  Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
 12.  Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
 13.  The Bitch Set Me Up
 14.  I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
 15.  Yentl the Lentil
 16.  My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
 17.  Aunts in My Pants
 18.  Hop On Mom
 19.  Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff!
 20.  Horton Fakes an Orgasm
 21.  The Grinch's Ten Inches

+----------------------------------------------------------------+
[too computer-technical for main group]

       _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
       _/ From : Wendy - Calgary, Alberta, Canada  _/
       _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+----------------------------------------------------------------+
 
 Top ten reasons compilers must be female.
 
 10. Picky, picky, picky.
 9.  They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
 8.  Beauty is only shell deep.
 7.  When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
 6.  Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
 5.  Always turning simple statements into big productions.
 4.  Smalltalk is important.
 3.  You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
 2.  They make you take the garbage out.
 1.  Miss a period and they go wild

 
 Top 10 reasons computers must be male.
 
 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
 9.  A better model is always just around the corner.
 8.  They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
 7.  It is always necessary to have a backup.
 6.  They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
 5.  The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
 4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 3.  The lights are on but nobody's home.
 2.  Big power surges knock them out for the night.
 1.  Size does matter
+----------------------------------------------------------------+


      _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
      _/ From : Phalax Overlord - Calgary, Alberta, Canada  _/
      _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+

  Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east
  country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless
  remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
  Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and
  are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50
  lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family
  doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in
  their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
  
  Mrs. Mueller is first.
   "What do you wish for yourself?"
   "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
   "Okay, that shall be granted to you."
   Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her
   punishment.  But because the pillow is too small and the executioner
   also
   hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
  
   Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.
   "What do you wish for yourself?"
   "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my
   back before the lashings."
   "Okay, that shall be granted to you."
   The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain
   through the pillows.
  
   Then comes Mueller himself.
   "What do you wish for yourself?"
   "I have two wishes.  Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
   "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes
   for you, as long as they are reasonable."
   "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
   The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies,
   "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you.  And what is
   your second wish?"
   "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
 
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+

        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
        _/ From : Deems - Cape Town, Western Cape, RSA  _/
        _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+

Paddy happens to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day, and in the window
he spots a pair of shoes.  He likes them, so he enters the shop and asks the
shop assistant, "How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?"

"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.

"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."

"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.

Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he leaves the
shop and goes home.  He tells his brother, Mick, about the shoes, and Mick
has a brilliant idea:  "Sure, Paddy, and we should go to Africa and hunt
crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!"

Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa and
they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.

They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you start
hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck."  So off
Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy to get on with the
tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.

A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all
available bottles of Guinness and is running low on cash, so he decides to
go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.

As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere,
stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and
hundreds of crocodiles.

He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then there's
a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes to the surface
clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the shore then clubs to
death.

"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.

"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese
tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"

+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+

 _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
 _/ From : Moi - Johannesburg, Gauteng, RSA  _/
 _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/


+----------------------------------------------------+

 Bohemian Rhapsody (Object-oriented)


 Is this the real world?
 Is this just fantasy?
 Caught in a LAN-slide
 No ESC to reality.
 Open(2) your files,
 look after your whiles() in C;
 It's just a cheap toy, but dearer 
 than Symphony?
 With it's wheezy couhg, noisy beep
 Address ckash, little sleep
 Anything but Windows?,
 nothing beats class lib'ries to me,
 To me

 Mama, Just killed a RAM
 Got some static on its pins,
 Now I don't see the dust bin,
 Mama
 "Write" had just been run,
 but now I've got to throw it all away
 Mama, oooooooh,
 Didn't mean to make it fry
 If I've no stack to overflow tomorrow,
 Carry one, carry one,
 'Cause there's nothing like class lib'ries

 Too Late
 My  time(2) has come
 Send lightning down my line
 Stop my Make(1) before it's time
 Goodbye, everybody,
 I've got to go,
 Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth
 Mama, ooooooh, (anything but Windows)
 I don't want to *sigh*
 I sometimes wish I'd never known Bourne at all,
 I see a little silhouette of a man(1),
 Scaramouche, Scaramouche,
 Did you run the test script yet?
 Thunderbolt and Lightning,
 Blowing up my modem, me,
 Gone away now,,
 Gone away now, Windows froze.

 It's just a cheap toy, ev'ry body has three
 It's just a cheap toy from a chap company
 Spare us our lives from this monstrosity!
 Wheezy cough, noisy beep, will you let us sleep?
 Drink Miller!! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
 Drink Miller!! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
 Drink Miller!! Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
 Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
 Will not let you sleep (let us sleep!)
 GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU,
 GNU, GNU, GNU!
 Oh Mama mia, Mama mia,
 Mama mia, let us sleep!!
 Be-el-ze-Gates has a widget put beside my tree,
 My tree, My tree!

 So you think you can force me to use 95?
 So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
 Oh baby,
 Can't do this to me baby,
 Just gotta -out, just gotta get write(2) out of hete.

 Nothing beats class lib'ries,
 Anything in C,
 Nothing beats class lib'ries
 Nothing beats class lib'ries to me.

 Anything but Windows??

+----------------------------------------------------+

      _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
      _/ From : Phalax Overlord - Calgary, Alberta, Canada  _/
      _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+-----+

  If I ever become an Evil Overlord:


  1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
  visors, not face-concealing ones.

  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
  kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

  4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.

  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
  the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
  Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

  6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
  them.

  7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
  "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply
  will be, "No, just sensible."

  8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
  kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
  say, "No." and shoot him.

  9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
  immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
  three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be
  carried out.

  10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
  necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
  labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".

  11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
  destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

  12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a
  small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

  13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
  need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving
  my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

  14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
  accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies
  wouldn't believe it.

  15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
  "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

  16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
  flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
  implementation.

  17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
  bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
  any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
  aforementioned disposal.

  18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
  members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
  military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

  19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
  any other form of last request.

  20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
  find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
  active when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
  plan into operation.

  21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
  scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
  twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
  he's caused.

  22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
  just one thing I want to you know."

  23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
  their advice.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+-----+



           _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
           _/ From : Pam - San Jose, California, USA _/
           _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+

                              Americans

 A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for
 three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.  He caught a
 supply boat to a supply  base in the south of England, then caught a
 train to London.

 The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.  He was
 dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any
 place to sit down.  Finally he found a compartment with seats facing
 each other; there was room for two people on each seat.  On one side
 sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog
 sitting in the empty seat beside her.

 "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.

 The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude" she said, "can't
 you see my dog is sitting there"?

 He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat.  He
 found himself back at the same place.

 "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to
  hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.

 The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant",
 she said.

 He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
 said,  "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months
 with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there
 and hold your dog?"

 The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
 are also obnoxious."

 With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
 threw it out the window, and sat down.  The lady was speechless.

 An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
 spoke up.

 "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
  description of you or not.  But I do know that you Americans do a
  lot of things wrong.  You drive on the wrong side of the road, you
  hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the
  wrong bitch out of the window."

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+


Sent in by Udi from his .. COMPUTER JOKES List
    to subscribe email:   MAJORDOMO@why-not.com
    in the  body  of message: subscribe computer-jokes


                         WEB BROWSER WARS
(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396 or
higher.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) - Senate Majority Leader Ray
Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order
Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers,
saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped
the American economy of its vitality.

In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate,
Noorda, once a key figure in the information technology industry,
claimed American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading
new browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls
that they no longer have time to produce anything of value or to
consume products.  "We have been transformed from a nation of thinkers
and doers to a nation of downloaders worried about whether we are
keeping up with the technological Joneses," Noorda said.

Noorda's comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407
of its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM
radio from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta
trial, while versions 408, 409, 410 and 411 are in development. 
Microsoft, which has been criticized of late for slipping behind
Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver Version 405 of its
Internet Explorer "before the next major religious holiday," though
company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which religion the
company was referring to.  Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books'
bestselling "Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies", said the continuing
instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of
new applications.  "How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51
days?" asked Gibbs.  "The only apps being developed now are crossword
puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets."

According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC
user now has 62 browsers installed.  That has significantly limited
the usefulness of the desktop machine because each "browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository" consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if
the touchscreen option is disabled).  Intel Corp. recommends the use
of at least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers. 
"There is no capacity left to run any other application," said IDC
Chief Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. "Our PCs, in essence, are
simply containers for browsers."

In the late 1990's, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data
housed on Internet servers.  But the dream of the so-called Internet
device died with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which
cracked the 800M byte storage requirement and supported some 257,462
ActiveX, DirectDraw, VB, DirectX, VisualX++ and InActiveX Controls.

"It's a shame, really," said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who
was a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time.  "We
could have been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun
intended.  But Bill outmanuevered us again," added "Big Larry"
Ellison, who now runs the Used Cars 'R' Us operation on the Auto Mile
in Redwood City, Calif.

In response to Noorda's call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web
site www.bookem.gov.

"We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter of whether
development should continue on Web browsers and servers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>A wife was getting particularly disgusted that her husband kept
>>falling asleep in church,and one Sunday decided to do something
>>about it. As they sat in church that morning listening to the
>>preacher, the wife kept a sharp eye on her husband prepared for him
>>to doze.  As his eyes began to shut she took out a huge hat pin and
>>jabbed him in the buttock just as the preacher shouted out "...and
>>who created the heaven and earth in 6 days?".  The husband came
>>flying out of his pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".  To which
>>the minister replied "That's right, that's right" and went on with
>>his sermon.
>>
>>Not too much longer the husband began too doze again, and again his
>>wife jabbed him with the pin at the same time the preacher asks "And
>>who died on the cross to save us from our sins?"  Jesus Christ!!!!
>>shouted the husband, jumping up and rubbing his rear end.  The
>>minister said "That's right that's right" and went on with his
>>sermon.
>>
>>The husband scrowling at his wife, sat back down grumbling.  Soon
>>after, the wife sees her husband sleeping and jabs the pin deep into
>>his flesh just as the minister asks, "And as preparing to give birth
>>to their secoond child, what did Eve say to her beloved Adam?"
>>
>>In excruating pain, the husband jumps up and shouts at the top of
>>his lungs, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I"ll break it
>>in half!!!!! .
================================================

A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants 
to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you 
do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, 
does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress 
the agent.
        "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for 
ya!  I think I can get you a show on T.V."  (This was the early 
sixties.)  "By the way, what's your name?"

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian".
"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.

"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is
gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

Well,  the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change
his name, so he leaves to find another agent.

A few months later he returns to the same agent.  "Hey kid!  Good to
see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work?  Have
ya changed your name?"

With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in
town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian.  So I've
changed it".

"Great kid, great!  What's your new name?"

"Dick Van Dyke."
================================================
                   _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
                   _/ From : Joan - New York, USA  _/
                   _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+----+

 Teacher gives the class an assignment, and stresses that no excuses
 will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a
 death in the immediate family (with an appropriate note).

 Little Johnny pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, Miss?"

 The class breaks up laughing, then the teacher responds with:

 "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand,
 Johny."
[Language is perfectly clean, but the insinuations aren't.]

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+----+

[courtesy of Tom Lewis.]

USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS

Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan.
"Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun."

Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar.
"I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the
floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart."

Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh gande.
"I agree with everything you have ever said or thought about in your
life."

Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.
"It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
your car."

Fashal-eh tupehman na degat mano goftam cheeshayeh mohemara jebehkeshv
arehman. "If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in
public."

Khrel jepaheh maneh va jayeii amrikahey.
"I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies
traveling as reporters."

Balli balli ballii.
"Whatever you say."

Matfrnier ghermez ahliah, ghorban.
"The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency."

Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram.
"The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.  I must have
the recipe."
================================================

         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
         _/ From : Stephie - New Britain, Connecticut, USA _/
         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+----+

 Guy Talk


 "Woman driver."
  Really means....
 "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures
  and has a better driving record than me."

 "It's a guy thing."
  Really means....
 "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
  no chance at all of making it logical."

 "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
  Really mean....
 Absolutely nothing.  It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
 drooling.

 "My wife doesn't understand me."
  Really means....
 "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

 "It would take too long to explain."
  Really means....
 "I have no idea how it works."

 "I'm getting more exercise lately."
  Really means....
 "The batteries in the remote are dead."

 "I got a lot done."
  Really means....
 "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

 "We're going to be late."
  Really means....
 "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

 "Hey, I've read all the classics."
  Really means....
 "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

 "I was listening to you.  It's just that I have things on my mind."
  Really means....
 "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

 "It's a really good movie."
  Really means....
 "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

 "You know how bad my memory is."
  Really means....
 "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
 girl
  I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car
  I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

 "Football is a man's game."
  Really means....
 "Women are generally too smart to play it."

 "I can't find it."
  Really means....
 "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
 clueless."

 "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
  Really means....
 "You may actually get it to start."

 "I heard you."
  Really means....
 "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
 desperately
  that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
  days yelling at me."

 "We share the housework."
  Really means....
 "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 "I don't need to read the instructions."
  Really means....
 "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

 "We can still be friends."
  Really means....
 "I've found someone else and could care less if you fall off the face
 of
  the earth tomorrow."

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+----+

[I wasn't even going to send this one to YOU guys, but it made me 
laugh so hard I couldn't bear not to send it to SOMEBODY.]


           _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
           _/ From : Zee - Johannesburg, Gauteng, RSA  _/
           _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+

 Dear Sirs

 NOTICE TO INCREASE TAX PAYMENTS

 The only thing that Mr Mandela has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong.

 This is due to the fact that 40% of the time is hanging around
 unemployed, 20% of the time is pissed off, 30% of the time is hard up
 and 10% of the time in the hole. On top of this it has two dependants
 and they are both nuts.

 On 1st March your Ding Dong will be taxed taxed according to its
 size. To determine your category, please insert this information on
 page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard IT12 tax form.

 10 - 12 inches		Luxury Tax		R 50-00
  8 -  10 inches		Pole Tax		R 45-00
  6 -   8 inches		Privilege Tax		R 35-00
  4 -   6 inches		Nuisance Tax		R 25-00

 Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund, anyone exceeding 12
 inches must file under Capital gains. Please do not request for an
 extension.

 Yours Faithfully

 South African Revenue Services
 Inland Revenue 	

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+

[courtesy of Tom Lewis]

Fi Fo Fe   Fi Fe Fe Fo
Do you know what this is?
The Ebonics help line.  

PS: I [Tom Lewis] would have guessed "Mike Tyson's phone number".
================================================
[courtesy of Margaret Karl] 

What did the elephant say to the naked man?  

How do you ever feed yourself with that thing?
================================================

The recent bickering on Center-L makes me wonder whether *some* 
people have misread the word as CONTEMPT-lative.


================================================
[courtesy of Marcella Maguire.]

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"


15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick 
    himself.

14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene 
    Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing 
    immensely.

13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the 
    knee with a light saber.

12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use 
    the Fifth, Luke."

11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza 
    the Hut.

10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

 9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny 
    brass ass.

 8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

 7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has 
    to pee.

 6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

 5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his 
    name.

 4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special 
    attachment.

 3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red 
    paint.

 2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?  Richard Jewell.


    and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...


 1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
    none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

================================================

The British government's policy of socialized medicine has recently 
been  broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".  Under 
the government's plan, any married woman who is unable to become 
pregrant during the first five years of her marriage  may request the 
service of a "Proxy Father," a government employee who attempts to 
solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant. 

The Smiths, a young married couple, have no children and the 
government  man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith, on  leaving, says 
"I'm off, the government man should be here soon."   INSTEAD, 
however, a  door-to-door photographer, who happens to specialize in 
baby pictures, comes to the Smith's trying to sell his services. 


The conversation went as follows:

Ms. Smith:  Good morning.
Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to... 
Ms. Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you 
were coming.

Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a  specialty of babies, 
especially twins.

Ms. Smith: That's what  my husband said. Please sit down. 
Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that ... 
Ms. Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.
Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with 
it.

Ms. Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?
Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the 
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed.  
Sometimes the living room floor works well.

Ms. Smith: Bathroom!! Living room floor!! No wonder it hasn't 
worked for us.
Salesman: Well lady, none of us can  guarantee a good one every 
time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be 
a honey.

Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?
Salesman:  No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a 
hurry. 

Ms. Smith: Well have you had much  sucess with this?
Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at 
these  babies! They're all jobs I've  handled. This one took four 
hours.

Ms. Smith: Yes, this is a  lovely child. 
Salesman: But, if you want to hear about a really  tough assignment, 
look  at this picture. Believe it or not, it was  done on top of  a  
bus in downtown London.

Ms. Smith: OH MY  GOD!!
Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in  town. 
They  turned exceptionally well when you consider that their
mother was hard to work with.

Ms. Smith: Oh, she was?
Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde
Park to get the job done right. People were all around  four and
five deep pushing to get a good look. 

Ms. Smith: Four and five deep!!!
Salesman: Yes, and for more than four hours too. But I  finally got 
a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot  again before 
dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning  to nibble  on 
my equipment and I had to give up.

Ms. Smith: You  mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment? 
Salesman:  Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three long 
years  perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one in 
the  front window of a big department store.

Ms. Smith: I can't  believe it!
Salesman: Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll get my tripod.
Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???!!!
Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.  
It's  much too heavy to hold  in my hand. Ms. Smith ... Ms. Smith... 
Ms. Smith ... Goodness,  she's fainted!!!

================================================
                    _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
                   _/ From : Joan - New York, USA  _/
                  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+--+

   It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a true
   story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be
   the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

   The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon.
   The young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he
   saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man
   walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a
   gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

   Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said,
   "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could
   someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take
   a look at you."

   The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're
   wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed
   holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important
   son is, can you shoot?"

   The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his
   pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link
   off of the piano player's right sleeve.

   Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot
   with you left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy
   had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the
   cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. 

   Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his
   six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked
   Masterson. 

   Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was
   pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that
   myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy
   asked.

   "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and
   ask the cook for a large can of lard.  Then take both guns of yours
   and stick them down deep in the lard." 

   Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.
   Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in
   his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
   the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours
   and stick them right up your ass!"

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
                           *** Attention ***

  It's that time again!

  As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24
  hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which
  eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows
  for a better working and faster Internet.

  This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT
  on February 28 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on February 29 (the time least
  likely to interfere with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period,
  five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will
  search the Internet and delete any data that they find.


  In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you
  do the following:

  1.   Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
  Internet
       connections.

  2.   Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the
  Internet.

  3.   Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
  Internet.

  4.   Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any
  way.

  We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet
  users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any
  inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed
  and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of
  electronic flotsam and jetsam.

  We thank you for your cooperation.

  Kim Dereksen
  Interconnected Network Maintenance staff,
  Main branch,
  Massachusetts Institute of Technology


  Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of
  Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting
  the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message
  where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message
  on to other sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.

================================================

       _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
       _/ From : Deems - Cape Town, Western Cape, RSA  _/
       _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+------------------------------------------------------------------+

 A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and
 asked him what he was doing there.

 The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
 Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance
 proceeds. What are you doing here?"

 The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
 Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the
 flood insurance proceeds."

 The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start
 the flood ?"

                      -----------------------

 Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a
    beach resort?
 A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

+------------------------------------------------------------------+
*File Description: Politically Correct UNIX*


In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible
with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians
have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC
- that is, the "Politically Correct."

Politically Correct UNIX

System VI Release notes

UTILITIES
1)  "man" pages are now called "person" pages.
2)  Similarly, "hangman" is now the
"person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
3)  To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat"
command is now merely "domestic_quadruped." 
4)  To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - 
reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they 
say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, 
along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if 
the "no" is ignored. 
5) The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been 
replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command. 
6)  The "touch" command has been removed from the standard 
distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers. 
7)  "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" 
command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European 
Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather". 
8)  The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the 
Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" 
command. 
9)  The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally 
unfriendly "LaTeX".

SHELL COMMANDS
1)  To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has
been renamed "euthanise." 
2)  The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to 
give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to 
be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged 
users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones. 
3)  "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called 
"herstory." 
4)  "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and 
will be strictly enforced. 
5)  The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."

TERMINOLOGY
1)  From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
"exploitive capitalist text". 
2)  The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such 
processes will now be known as "spiritual guides." 
3)  There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" 
and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable. 
4)  Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was 
white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, 
particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System 
VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while 
"progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background. 
5)  For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of 
"root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship 
of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by 
the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System 
(PC-DOS). 
6)  No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be 
"owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and 
decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users. 
7)  The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window 
System. 
8)  And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively 
Challenged.
================================================

*File Description: Taco Hell*


(Note:  For those of you not familiar with it, the 2-dollar bill was a unit
of US currency that was printed in small quantities compared to other major
bills (1, 5, 10, 20).  They discontinued minting them in the early 80's
because no one used them that much.  There's a slim chance you may still
find one, but most have been snatched up by collectors or pulled out of
circulation.  I don't know when this story takes place.)

                           TACO HELL

                        by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was
happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I
figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny and

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift,
and

IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis]
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm
     and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall
     with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a
     fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so
I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing
at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and
says

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people,
I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.


