[to math-oriented]

    _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
   _/ From : Manny - Montreal, Quebec, Canada  _/
  _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------+

 When Mathematics gets out of bound


When 1 becomes 2
=================

Let x = y
Consider
   ( x^2 - y^2 )  = (x + y) (x -  y)

since x = y, then we can write

   ( x^2 - xy)    =  (x + y) (x - y)
    x (x - y)     =  (x + y) (x - y)

since (x - y) is common to both sides of the equation, then we can
cancel (x - y)

    x (x - y)     =  (x + y) (x - y)
    ----------       ----------------
     (x - y)              (x - y)

         x        =     (x + y)

but x = y, so

  x        =     (x + x)
         x        =     2x

common factor being x, so

         x        =     2x
        ----          ------
         x               x

leaving us with

          1       =     2

Hence, one is equal to two
==========================

When Half becomes Full
======================

Consider a 10 ml cylinder containing 5 ml of water:

   1.  We say that the cylinder is half-empty
   2.  We also say that the cylinder is half-full.

Since we pertain to the same thing, then they are the same. In Math,
we say they are equal

       1/2 empty  =  1/2 full

then we can factor out 1/2, giving us


       1/2 empty  =  1/2 full
       ----------    ---------
          1/2           1/2

leaving us with

           empty  =   full

Hence, empty is also equal to full
======================================================================

   _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
   _/ From : Laura - Los Angeles, California, USA  _/
   _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+-------------------------------------------------------+

               ***The Stages of Life***


 THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

 AGE        DRINK

 17         beer
 25         beer
 35         vodka
 48         double vodka
 66         Maalox

 SEDUCTION LINE

 17         My parents are away for the weekend.
 25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
 35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
 48         My wife is away for the weekend.
 66         My second wife is dead.

 FAVORITE SPORT
 17         sex
 25         sex
 35         sex
 48         sex
 66         napping

 DRUG
 17         pot
 25         coke
 35         really good coke
 48         power
 66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

 DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
 17         "tongue"
 25         "breakfast"
 35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
 48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
 66         "Got home alive."

 FAVORITE FANTASY
 17         getting to third
 25         airplane sex
 35         menage a trois
 48         taking the company public
 66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

 HOUSE PET
 17         roaches
 25         stoned-out college roommate
 35         black lab
 48         children from his first marriage
 66         Barbi

 WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 17         25
 25         35
 35         48
 48         66
 66         17

 IDEAL DATE
 17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
 25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
 35         "Just come over."
 48         "Just come over and cook."
 66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

         ------------------------------------------

          THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

 AGE        DRINK

 17         Wine Coolers
 25         White wine
 35         Red wine
 48         Dom Perignon
 66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

 EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

 17         Need to wash my hair
 25         Need to need wash and condition my hair
 35         Need to color my hair
 48         Need to have Francois color my hair
 66         Need to have Francois color my wig

 FAVORITE SPORT

 17         shopping
 25         shopping
 35         shopping
 48         shopping
 66         shopping

 DRUG

 17         shopping
 25         shopping
 35         shopping
 48         shopping
 66         shopping

 DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

 17         "Burger King"
 25         "Free meal"
 35         "A diamond"
 48         "A bigger diamond"
 66         "Home Alone"

 FAVORITE FANTASY

 17         tall, dark and handsome
 25         tall, dark and handsome with money
 35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
 48         a man with hair
 66         a man

 HOUSE PET

 17         Muffy the cat
 25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
 35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
 48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
 66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
            Muffy the Cat

 WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

 17         17
 25         25
 35         35
 48         48
 66         66

 IDEAL DATE

 17         He offers to pay
 25         He pays
 35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
 48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
 66         He can chew breakfast

+-------------------------------------------------------+
[interesting, but not really funny.  Thought it was worth sharing, 
though.]

 An Exam to your WITS

 This test does not measure your intelligence, your fluency with words
 and certainly not your mathematical ability. It will, however, give
 you some gauge of your mental flexibility and creativity. In the
 three years since the test was developed, few people could solve more
 than half the 23 questions on the first try. Many, however, reported
 getting answers long after the test had been set aside, particularly
 at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed; and some
 reported solving all the questions over a period of several days.


 INSTRUCTIONS:   Each question below contains the initial of words
 that
                 will make it correct. Find the missing words.


 Example:   16 = O in a P.  Ounces in a Pound

 1.   26 = L of the A 
 2.   1001 = A N
 3.   7 = W of the W
 4.   12 = S of the Z
 5.   54 = C in a D (with the J)
 6.   9 = P in the S S
 7.   88 = P K
 8.   13 = S on the A F
 9.             32 = D F at which W F 
 10.            18 = H on a G C
 11.            90 = D in a R A
 12.            200 = D for P G in M
 13.            8 = S on a S S
 14.            3 = B M  ( S H T R )
 15.            4 = Q in a G
 16.            24 = H in a D
 17.            1 = W on a U
 18.            5 = D in a Z C
 19.            57 = H V
 20.            11 = P on a F T
 21.            1000 = W that a P is W 
 22.            29 = D in F in a L Y
 23.            64 = S on a C

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+---+

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 *

 1.  26 letters of the alphabet
 2.  1001 Arabian nights
 3.  7 wonders of the world
 4.  12 signs of the zodiac
 5.  54 cards in a deck (with the jack)
 6.  9 planets in the Solar System
 7.  88 piano keys
 8.  13 stripes on the American Flag
 9.  32 degrees at which water freezes
 10.  18 holes on a golf course
 11.  90 degrees in a right angle
 12.  200 dollars for passing go in Monopoly
 13.  8 sides on a stop sign
 14.  3 blind mice (see how they run)
 15.  4 quarters in a game
 16.  24 hours in a day
 17.  1 wheel on a unicycle
 18.  5 digits in a zip code
 19.  57 Heinz varieties
 20.  11 players on a football team
 21.  1000 words that a picture is worth
 22.  29 days in February in a Leap Year
 23  64 squares on a checkerboard

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
[offensive language]

*File Description: Understanding Cause And Effect*


A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in
the river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".

Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and
he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach
out my paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".

Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the
river and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the
blue bottle to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the
bear will reach out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and
shoot the bear as a trophy".

Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also
saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly
down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the
bear and I will grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".

Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also
saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly
down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the
bear, the mouse will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I
will jump on the mouse".

So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught
the fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the
hunter rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich
from the hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the
river.

The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.
================================================
[from HAND!  Not quite funny enough, but amusing.]

'Internet Cleaning Announcement' was a joke. It reminded
Craig Jones of
  " .. an incident from many years ago when B.C. Tel (British Columbia
   Telephone) perpetuated a little fraud by letting it be known that
   on the morning of April 1st (the date should have given it away)
   they were going to blow high pressure air through the provinceUs
   phone lines to blow out the accumulated dust.

   Subscribers were encouraged to place their phones in plastic or
   paper bags between the hours of 10:00 and 10:15 in the morning. 
   They were also warned that sometimes high pressure air cleaning can
   cause the bell to vibrate -- in other words ring -- but that if
   someone was careless enough to answer the ring they were likely to
   get a mouth and earful of telephone line dust.

   So ... on the date in question hundreds of thousands, perhaps
   millions of people, dared not touch their phones between the
   appointed times. I know the scam was widespread in the lower
   mainland -- mostly Vancouver and Victoria -- but I don't know how
   far inland the deception spread. In any event it was a good gag. 
   Today, of course, it would inspire lawsuits."

Naturally this reminds me of the kids prank of calling people on the
phone and telling them you are from the phone company and someone is
working on the telephone line. Please don't answer the phone for 20
minutes.  Then the person is called back, a short while later..and
often unable to resist the temptation of the ringing phone answers it
and hears an ear piercing scream of AHHHH (from the kid pretending to
be electrocuted)

and now Todd Louis Green contribution:
  his sig line:  On your tombstone will be two dates, separated by a
  dash.
                         That dash was your life.


                     How Specs Live Forever

   The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
   feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that
   gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and
   the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the
   English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines
   were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,
   and that's the gauge they used.

   Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built
   the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for
   building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the
   wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any
   other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long
   distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

   So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance
   roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
   their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?
   The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
   destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
   Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all
   alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

   Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United
   State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from
   the original specification  for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
   Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are
   handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it,
   you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
   made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war
   horses.
================================================
A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that 
he is  unable to get any women to have sex with him.  "They all tell 
me  that my  penis is too long."

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can
shorten  it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I
do  know this witch who may be able to help you."  So the doctor 
gives him directions to the witch.  The man calls upon the witch and 
relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get 
any women to have  sex with me.  Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it."  The man
uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches
her  head,  and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your
problem.  What  you have  to do is go to this pond deep in the forest.
 In the pond you will see a  frog sitting on a log who can help solve
your dilemma.  First you must ask  the frog, will you marry me?  Each
time the frog declines your proposal,  your penis will be ten inches
shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.  He came upon
the  pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log.  He called 
out to the frog, "will you marry me?"  The frog looked at him 
dejectedly and replied, "NO".  The man looked down and suddenly his 
penis was 10 inches shorter.  "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is 
great!!  But it's still too long  at  40 inches, so I'll ask the frog 
to marry me again. "

"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted.  The frog rolled its eyes
back  in its head and screamed back, "NO!"  The man felt another 
twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 10 inches 
shorter.  The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected  for
a moment.  Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would
be ideal.  So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.  
Grinning, he looked  across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you   
marry  me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,
"NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO."
================================================
[too computer-technical]

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s.  For the
sake of this story, we'll call him Goovoo.  After years of being taken
for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers,
Goovoo was finally getting some respect.  He'd become a private
consultant specialising in Year 2000 conversions.  He was working
short-term assignments for prestige companies, travelling all over the
world on different assignments, and making more money than he'd ever
dreamed of.

He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Soon he could retire.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Goovoo.  He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
about the Year 2000.  It had reached a point where even the thought of
the year 2000 made him nearly violent.  He must have suffered some
sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could
avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Goovoo decided to contact a company that specialised in cryogenics. 
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000.  This
was a very expensive process and totally automated.  He was thrilled. 
The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after
the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Goovoo saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people.  They were all shouting "I can't believe
it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!".  There were cameras
(unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward.

Goovoo couldn't contain his enthusiasm.  "It is over?" he asked.  "Is
2000 already here?  Are all the millennial parties and promotions and
crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that 2000 had gone, but that there had been a
problem with the programming of the timer on Goovoo's cryogenic
receptacle - it hadn't been year 2000 compliant, and it was now March
15th of 2099, not 2000.  But the spokesman told Goovoo that he
shouldn't get excited as someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates.  This man was Prime Minister of
Earth.

He told Goovoo not to be upset.  That this was a wonderful time to be
alive.  That there was world peace and no more starvation.  That the
space programme had been reinstated and there were colonies on the
moon and on Mars.  That technology had advanced to such a degree that
everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Goovoo.  "But I'm curious.  Why is 
everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister.  "2100 is just around the corner, and
it says in your files that you know COBOL".
================================================
<<Courtesy of Eric Scott, via Dee Christian>>

You might be from Seattle if you...


1.    Feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.
2.    Use the words "sun breaks" and know what it means.
3.    Know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
4.    Obey all traffic laws EXCEPT "keep right unless passing."
5.    Never go camping without waterproof matches and ponchos.
6.    Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7.    Hear the word "ferry" and think of boats-and long waits.
8.    Know more people who own boats than own air conditioners.
9.    Stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the
	light  to change.
10.   Know at least eight people who work for either Microsoft or
Boeing. 
11.   Are amazed by an accurate weather forecast. 
12.   Consider if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently 
erupted,  regardless of altitude, it is a "hill" not a "mountain". 
13.   Only honk your car horn if a collision is imminent. 
14.   Invite twice as many people as you really want to a party 
since only  half will actually show up.
15.   Consider etiquette a foreign word.
16.   Bitch about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice
      what what you paid for it.
17.   Know what Lutefiske is.
18.   Consider floating bridges a pain in the ass, not an engineering
      marvel.
19.   Find a wallet with $500 in it, and give it all back to the
owner. 
20.   Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye
Salmon. 
21.   Know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."
22.   Used to live somewhere else, but don't admit it in
public. 
23.   Consider swimming an indoor sport. 
24.   Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai 
food. 
25.   Are currently working as a computer consultant in  Portland. 
26.   In winter, go to work in the dark and go home in the dark, but 
only have an eight hour day.


================================================
[too computer-oriented]

*File Description: Lightbulb Jokes II*


Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a
light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now
exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things
wrong...have you tried the light switch?

--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a
faucet.

--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?

A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft
gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change
the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous
test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call
before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed
overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand
corner of the light bulb box.

--------------

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it
would be for a Mac user.

--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

-------------

Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new 
industry standard.
================================================
[a Valentine's Day present(?) to the RJ group]

           _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
          _/ From : Wendy - Calgary, Alberta, Canada  _/
         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+-+

 DICTIONARY OF DATING ========================== 

 DATING:  The process of spending enormous amounts of money,  time,
 and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
 especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
 the future.

 EASY:  A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

 EYE CONTACT:  A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
 man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,
 many women have difficulty looking  a man directly in the eyes, not
 necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
 woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

 FRIEND:  A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
 some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

 INDIFFERENCE:  A woman's feeling towards a man, which is  interpreted
 by the man as "playing hard to get."

 IRRITATING HABIT:  What the endearing little qualities that initially
 attract two people to each other turn into after a few months
 together.

 NYMPHOMANIAC:  A man's term for a woman who wants to do it  more
 often than he does.

 SOBER:  A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

 ATTRACTION:  The act of associating horniness with a particular
 person.

 LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:  What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
 entirely choosy people meet.

 LAW OF RELATIVITY:  How attractive a given person appears to be is
 directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
[maybe Teresa is just in a bad mood today?]

         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
        _/ From : Bob - Hudson, New Hampshire, USA  _/
       _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+------------------------------------------------------------+

 From a Paul Harvey broadcast:

 A woman, worried about crime, started to carry a hand-gun. 
 Five months after she'd begun carrying her gun she came out
 to her car in a dark parking lot and found it occupied by
 four men. She ordered them out. They refused to move; she
 pulled her gun. Instantly four doors popped open and the
 occupants fled into the night.

 Then, as she started to load her groceries into the car,
 she noticed another car of the same make, model, and color
 - parked three spots away.

 And the end of the story is : Yes, it was hers.

+------------------------------------------------------------+

 A ferry is cutting through the Themes river in Britain.
 There are only two people standing on deck; a well dressed
 Englishman and a cockney lady.

 Suddenly, there is a strong breeze that lifts the lady's gown 
 revealing her. The gentleman is obviously embarrassed and to 
 divert to an acceptable topic says, " Airy, isn't it?"

 The lady retorts :

 "Well, what do ya hexpect ??  Hostrich feathers??!!"

+------------------------------------------------------------+

 One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.
 He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out
 along the big highway for a while, then, got off and drove
 along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country.

 After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the
 fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't
 seem to be wearing any pants.

 "Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"

 "Well, city boy,  th' other day I went out a-workin' in the
  fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to
  th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a
  oak-wood board.  Now... this here's mah wife's idea."

+------------------------------------------------------------+

 A professor had been lecturing on the doppler effect to a
 really, really dead class.  Finally, in sheer exasperation,
 he pointed to the equations on the board, to be more precise,
 at the (speed.of.sound-speed.of.object) in the denominator
 and said: 

   "This particular portion of the equation shows where the
    sonic boom comes from.  As the speed of the object
    approaches the speed of sound in air, this part slowly
    goes to zero.  Finally, when the object hits the speed of
    sound, a division by zero error occurs, reality rips, and 
    all of the air in the surrounding area pours out into the
    4th dimension."

   The class took notes....

+------------------------------------------------------------+
[too computer-technical]

Watch out for these telltale signs that your children are learning 
Dweebonics:

10.	They tilt their heads sideways to smile.
9.	When you ground them, they say, "Your UI could really use some 
work."
8.	They say, "My dad can beat your dad at Quake."
7.	Instead of laughing, they say, "LOL".
6.	They insult kids by saying, "And you've got limited bandwidth!"
5.	They change the answering machine message to "BRB, leave your URL, 
and we'll TTYL."
4.	This is how they ask someone out on a date: "Umm, uh, well ... see 
ya!"
3.	Calling from camp, your homesick child says, "I'm roaming outside 
my service area!"
2.	When you ask if they've finished their book report, they say, 
"It's in beta, but it'll ship in time."
1.	You're telling them something they don't want to hear.  They're 
saying "NAK, NAK, NAK" the whole time.

[and Teresa isn't dweeb enough to understand that last one!]

================================================
[found on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

1.	I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates
gets a cut of the profits  therefrom.
2.	Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking,
standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS 
network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that 
would be a gross hack.   
3.	Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't   
need that much space anyway.
4.	Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM.
After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy 
this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device  drivers, memory 
managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
5.	Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy
directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even  
though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar.
Standardization on where that character is located on a computer
keyboard is right out.
6.	Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and
AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of 
you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.
7.	Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward
compatibility to the holy 2.0  version, blindly ignoring 
opportunities to become compatible with things created in the 
latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0
8.	Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that
JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago 
regarding the tax deductible contribution that you  made to her 
organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as 
he stands  over you demanding proof.
9.	Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them
shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate 
branches of the directory tree, either.  
10.	Learn well the Vulcan  Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be 
thy saviour on many an  occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone 
reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first 
place.

[found on http://www.infidels.org/library/humor]

Autopriest v3.5 Release DELAYED

Officials representing the joint McChurch/MicroSoul project to make
forgiveness of sins available to the public at affordable prices have
again been delayed due to a combination of software and hardware
problems.

"It was frustrating," said beta-tester Azreth Coleman. "I drove up to
the plastic jesus- head, made my confession, and drove up to the
window. I'd ordered a Seven-Deadly Sins Seven-In-One Forgiveness
Dispenser -- You just can't beat that deal! -- But all I got was a
crummy Angel-Gabriel Action Figure. Sure, it's fun to pull the string
and watch him Smite innocent passersby, but I do not feel spiritually
satisfied. Hell, the "bless-you" light didn't even flash!"

Numerous complaints have also been lodged against the stationary units
(many of which are disguised to look like Tyme machines). Most
notably, the sin-parser has not yet been debugged, causing one young
woman's confession of "impure thoughts" to be interpreted as
"Worshipping the sacred cow-god. All kneel before the all- holy
guernsey. Moo! Moo!"

Finally, the Vatican today announced that it would not condone any
Autopriest using software written by a female programmer. "We are
concerned that widespread Autopriest use may lead our followers to
believe that females are human beings. Such gross impiety will not be
condoned by the Vatican."

Officials outside the McChurch/MicroSoul organization also want to
make sure that the AutoPriest v3.5 will not supplant the enormously
succesful Zealotry for Windows v3.4 which has already posted over
34,000 YOU WILL BURN IN HELL messages to the internet.

Despite such concerns, the release date for Autopriest v3.5 has been
set for February 24, 1995. Project director Kent Donovan noted, "We
are infallible. We say that AP-35 was released several months ago, and
therefore it was. Do not question the ways of MicroSoul. Moo."

- Lars Bacteriophage

[mostly I am over-stocked on one-liners, but some of these are a bit 
gross...]

If you throw a cat out of a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from?

How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When you choke a smurf what color does it turn?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

(Shared by John Stone via Humor Digest)

[from somewhere else]

 Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one be sufficient.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply.

Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key 

Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.

 <-------- The information went data way -------->

Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

E Pluribus Modem

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

 CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

 Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate
errors.

 Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

 Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Hit any user to continue.

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

 Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

 Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with inanimate objects.

 Real programmers don't document.  If it was hard to write, it
 should be hard to understand.

================================================
[from Arkadash, via HAND!]

        Increase the subway fare?

   I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
   accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. 
   For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages
   that can't be measured in monetary terms.

   Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
   have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I
   came by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if
   Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would
   instantly understand his long delay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
	   Help feed an AA pilot

It's just not right.  Thousands of pilots in our very own country are
living at or just below the six figure salary line.  And if that
weren't bad enough, many of them may  go several weeks or months
without a paycheck if they are forced by American Airlines management
to strike.

But now you can help.  For about three hundred dollars a day ~ that's
less than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a
pilot economically viable during their time of need.

Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, 
but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation
fishing in Florida or a Mediteranean cruise.

For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's
rent or mortgage payment.  But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day
will almost replace his or her salary.

Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her
home computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month
old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The
Mansion.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I"M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the crew
member you sponsor.  Detailed information about his or her
stocks,bonds,401K, and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your
home.  You will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow.  You'll
also get information on how they chose to invest their 1.2 million
dollar lump sum they get upon their retirement.

"HOW WIILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your pilot will be told that her or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just
wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will
be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in
case they need more funds.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
----- I want to help!!  In the event of a strike by the APA, I would
like to sponsor the crew member listed below.  I would like to sponsor
(circle your selection/s):

___CAPTAIN                        ___F-100 CREW MEMBER
___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW          ___A300 CREW MEMBER
___FIRST OFFICER                  ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
___NAVIGATOR                      ___727 CREW MEMBER
___767 CREW MEMBER                ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER

___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.

Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or  $350.29
for MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike.  Please send
me a picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of
"wings" and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies
last)

<> Mastercard   <> Visa   <> American Express    <> Diner's Club
<> AAsset Card   <> Discover Card
Account Number:________________________________
Expiration Date:_________________________
Signature:______________________________________

       Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone:
       (97X)-988-3188

Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their
families in person or by other means including, but not limited to,
phone calls, letters, email, or third parties.  Contributions made are
not tax deductible.  In the event of no strike action taken, sponsors
agree to a one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover
administration costs of this program.
================================================

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
_/ From : Wendy - Calgary, Alberta, Canada  _/
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+----------------------------------------+

 The Night Before Finals!

 `Twas the night before finals,
 And all through the college,
 The students were praying
 For last minute knowledge.

 Most were quite sleepy,
 But none touched their beds,
 While visions of essays
 Danced in their heads.

 Out in the taverns,
 A few still were drinking,
 And hoping that liquor
 Would loosen up their thinking.

 In my own apartment,
 I had been pacing,
 And dreading exams
 I soon would be facing.

 My roommate was speechless,
 His nose in his books,  
 And my comments to him
 Drew unfriendly looks.

 I drained all the coffee,
 And brewed a new pot,
 No longer caring
 That my nerves were shot.

 I stared at my notes,  
 But my thoughts were muddy,
 My eyes went ablur,
 I just couldn't study.

 "Some pizza might help,"
 I said with a shiver,
 But each place I called
 Refused to deliver.

 I'd nearly concluded
 That life was too cruel,
 With futures depending
 On grades had in school.

 When all of a sudden,
 Our door opened wide,
 And Patron Saint Put It Off
 Ambled inside.

 His spirit was careless,
 His manner was mellow,
 He started to bellow:

 "What kind of a student
 Would make such a fuss,
 To toss back at teachers
 What they tossed at us?"

 "On Cliff Notes!  On Crib Notes!
 On Last Year's Exams!
 On Wingit and Slingit,
 And last Minute Crams!"

 His message delivered,
 He vanished from sight,
 But we heard him laughing
 Outside in the night.

 "Your teachers have pegged you,
 So just do your best.
 Happy Finals to All,
 And to All, a good test."
================================================

         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
         _/ From : Bob - Hudson, New Hampshire, USA  _/
         _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
++

 A member of congress said to his son, "In the first place, my son,
 honesty is the best policy.  However, if you study the law carefully,
 you'll be astonished at some of the things that are considered
 honest.

  <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

 A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that he had
 learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear name "Gladly".  It took
 his mother awhile before she realized that the hymn was really
 "Gladly, The Cross I'd Bear."

  <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

 A little boy prayed and prayed to God for a bike. But, then, he
 realized that God doesn't work that way. So, he stole a bike and
 prayed for forgiveness.

  <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

 A kid got separated from his parents at the beach and asked a
 lifeguard to help find them.  He said, "I don't know kid, there are
 so many places they could hide."

  <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

 "Gimme a double whiskey!" the little 12 year old boy yelled to the
  barmaid as he entered the saloon.

 "Do you want to get me in trouble?!!" she asked.

 The lad replied, "Maybe later, but right now -- I just want a drink."

  <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

 One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father
 asked "What is the Gross National Product?".

 The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach!?".

  <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <-> <->

 Pre-teen Son: "Dad, you should have been at the game today.  We
 literally tore their heads off." 

 Father: "Son, do you know what the word 'literally' means?"

 Son: "No."

 Father: "Good!"
================================================
[too lazy to try to fix this so it looks right - weirdnesses with the 
fonts...]
==============================
Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:

  comes from Madrid, Spain (or Espa=F1a),  sent in by Javier C=E1mara
  Melgos=a
  below it is something from  Gary Threadgold of Switzerland
      (if you dont like drunk humor, skip this one)

  The first made me laugh, and hopefully y'all will like it too. My
  main hesitation in sending it, is that it works best if you have
  your email settings to a monospaced font (non-proportional) like
  courier.  AOL people=,   you have to change your settings. If you 
dont feel like it, then the  pictures that look like jumbled lines, 
imagine them to be a person  with arms and legs in various positions. 
This thought reminds me of  a long-ago friend's drawing when he was 
drunk.. so  I also included  for you The Drinker's Fault-Finding 
Guide below it.

          RUSSIAN SOLDIERS...

  There was a group of russian soldiers close to a high ravine. The
  sergeant goes close to the edge, looks down, then turns around and
  says:

     - Soldier Ivanov!
     - Sir!
     - Put yourself in this position:

                              O
                      *--------------.
                             |  |    |
                             |  |    |
                             |  |    *
                             |  |
                        ,--------
                        |       |
                        |       |
                                |
                                |
      - Yes sir!
      - Now jump!
      - I'm sorry!!???
      - I said JUMP, soldier!
      - Yes sir!, (and jumps)


   The Sergeant looks down to the abyss again, thinks for a while and
   says:

      - Soldier Pyetrov!
      - Sir!
      - Move a little to your left!
      - Yes sir!
      - Put yourself in this position:

                                 *
                                 |
                                 |
                                 |
                              O  |
                           ,-----'
                           | |  |
                           | |  |
                      *----' |  |
                             |--|
                             |  |
                             |  |
                             |  `-----
                             |
                             |
                             |

      - Yes sir!
      - Now jump!
      - Yes sir!, (and jumps to the void...)


    Again the sergeant looks down, thinks and  yells:

      - Soldier Sidorov!
      - Sir!
      - Move yourself a little to the right and kneel!
      - Yes sir!
      - Jump!
      - Yes sir!, (and jumps)

  The Sergeant analyses again the situation and  says:

      - Soldier Strogoff!
      - Sir!
      - Put yourself in this position:
                              O
                      *-----------.
                             |  | |
                             |  | |
                             |  | |
                             |  | *
                        ,-----------.
                        |           |
                        |           |

  At that moment a jeep stops. The Captain gets up and yells:

   - Sergeant Tchebychevich!!!, this is the last time that I warn you!
     The next time I find you playing Tetris with the soldiers I'm
     going to send you to Court Martial!

Thanks, Javier C=E1mara Melgosa! He adds in case you don't know it,
Tetris was invented in Russia...

And now from Geneva, Switzerland --  Gary Threadgold ( who received it
from Helen Griffin') thinks it to be a Campaign for Real Ale poster in
the UK.

                DRINKER'S FAULT-FINDING GUIDE

SYMPTOM:         Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer
                     is unusually pale and clear.
=46AULT:           Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:         Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and
                    the front of your shirt is wet.
=46AULT:           Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
                    wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink
                    as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM:         Feet cold and wet.
=46AULT:           Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
                    toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:         Feet warm and wet.
=46AULT:           Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
to
                    the owner about its lack of house training and
                    demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM:         Floor blurred.
=46AULT:           You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:         Floor swaying.
=46AULT:           Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
game
                    in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM:         Floor moving.
=46AULT:           You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
                    complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM:         Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
fluorescent
                    light strip across it.
=46AULT:           You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
                    drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to
                    help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM:         Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette
butts. =46AULT:           You have fallen forward. ACTION REQUIRED:
See above.

SYMPTOM:         Everything has gone dark.
=46AULT:           The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM:         You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.  You
                    cannot see your bedroom.
=46AULT:           You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If
not,
                    treat yourself to a lie-in.
================================================
                  REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:

  Some folks have it, some don't.  Those who have it would be
  devastated if it were ever cut off.  They think that those who don't
  have it are somehow inferior.  They think it gives them power.  They
  are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy,
  but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
  about it.  Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try
  it.

  It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
  hard to get any real work done.

  In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
  information considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some
  people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but
  most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

  Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people
  would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

  It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take
  this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. 
  Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with
  until it's too late.

  If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
  spread viruses.

  It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it
  too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
  coherently.

  We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
  size and influence warrant.

  If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
  trouble.

  It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
  it will warp you behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
  did I do that?"

  It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it
  will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
================================================

              _____________________________________
     ________|             Sebastian's             |________
    \        |       H U M O R   G R O U P         |       /
     \       |             Sent in by              |      /
      >  19  |  Pam : San Jose, California, USA    | 97  <
     /       |_____________________________________|      \
    /___________)                               (__________\

+-------------------------------------------------------------------+

               Contrast & Compare -:- Drug Dealers

 ----------------------------      ---------------------------
 Drug dealers                      Software developers
 ----------------------------      ---------------------------

 Refer to their clients            Refer to their clients
 as "users".                       as "users".

 "The first one's free!"           "Download a free trial version..."

 Have important South-East         Have important South-East
 Asian connections                 Asian connections
 (to help move the stuff).         (to help debug the code).

 Strange jargon:                   Strange jargon:
 "Stick," "Rock,"                  "SCSI," "RTFM,"
 "Dime bag," "E".                  "Java," "ISDN".

 Realize that there's              Realize that there's
 tons of cash in the               tons of cash in the
 14- to 25-year-old                14- to 25-year-old
 market.                           market.

 Job is assisted by the            Job is assisted by
 industry's producing              industry's producing
 newer, more potent mixes.         newer, faster machines.

 Often seen in the company         Often seen in the company of
 of pimps and hustlers.            marketing people and venture
                                   capitalists.

 Their product causes              DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem
 3D. unhealthy addictions.             'Nuff said.

 Do your job well, and             Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
 you can sleep with
 sexy movie stars who
 depend on you.
================================================
[offensive language]

              _______________________________________
     ________|             Sebastian's               |________
    \        |       H U M O R   G R O U P           |       /
     \       |             Sent in by                |      /
      >  19  |From: CaliMan - Brooklyn, New York, USA| 97  <
     /       |_______________________________________|      \
    /___________)                               (____________\

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+

 Finally you too can be down with the homies!!!!

 I will teach you the basic rules of ebonics. Now you can be part of
 the plague hitting America. Prepare to cross unchartered territory
 with yo phat-ass skilz.

 Rule #1:  Remove all forms of the verb "to be" from your sentences
           Examples: "He sick today."; "They talkin about yo ass."
 Rule #2:  Repeat noun subjects with a pronoun
           Example: My fatha (father), he smoke blunts.
 Rule #3:  Omit forms of "do" from most of your questions
           Example: What you say about my mama?
 Rule #4:  Use the same form of a noun for singular and plural
           Example: One joint, Two joint, Three joint.
 Rule #5:  Disregard verb tense in your sentences
           Example: I know it good shit when she tell me.
 Rule #6:  Use the same verb form for all subjects
           Example: I go, he/she go
 Rule #7:  Use few consonant pairs
           Examples: Jus(for just); chil(for child, not be confused
           with chill)
 Rule #8:  Use few long vowels or diphthongs
           Examples: Alhiht(for alright); tahm(for time)
 Rule #9:  Omit the "r" sound
           Examples: Mo(for more); reefa(for reefer); masta or mastah
           (for master)
 Rule #10: Replace "z" for "s" at the end of a word
           Examples: skilz(for skills); wheelz(for wheels)
 Rule #11: Replace the "th" sound with a"f" or "d" sound
           Examples: dis(for this); dat(for that); souf(for south)

 Now ya don't hafta front when yo chillin wit yo peps (There is no
 need to be ashamed now when you are in the presence of people fluent
 in ebonics).

 Dis here be a chain lettah. Yo best be sendin dis shit to 20 of yo
 boys in 72 hours o yo sorry-ass gonna hav some foul-ass luk. Rememba
 to use da skilz yo gots now. Piece out to my peps representin s.p.
 fam (people from South Plainfield) to da fullest. One love mutha
 fugga!!!! I see ya when I se ya!!!!!

================================================

             _____________________________________
    ________|             Sebastian's             |________
   \        |       H U M O R   G R O U P         |       /
    \       |             Sent in by              |      /
     >      |Andrew: Westville, KwaZulu Natal, RSA|     <
    /       |_____________________________________|      \
   /___________)                               (__________\

+-------------------------------------------------------------+

 Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
 Here's What You Do

     Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone 
problem.     But unlike most people she did something about it.

     The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and 
had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

     From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls 
not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt 
that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its    
number.

     Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not 
change its stationery.

     The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a 
number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's    
calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas 
fell on deaf  ears, Leola  decided to take matters into her own 
hands.

     At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis  was 
calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. 
Leoloa said, "No problem.   How many nights?"

     A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary  wanted a 
suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the
Presidential Suite on  the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. 
The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel 
wanted a deposit.  "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said.  "We 
trust you."

     The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning,  she 
booked an  electric appliance manufacturers' convention for   
Memorial Day weekend, a  college prom and a reunion of the 82nd 
Airborne  veterans from World War II.

     She turned on her answering machine during  lunchtime so 
that she  could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest    
challenge came in the  afternoon when a mother called to book the 
ballroom for her daughter's  wedding in June.

     Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem  and 
asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the   
hotel to take care of  it. The mother said that she would prefer the 
hotel to handle the floral  arrangements. Then the question of  valet 
parking came  up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge 
for valet parking, but  we always recommend  that the client tips the 
drivers."

     Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a  disaster 
area.

     People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs,  and 
Sweet Sixteen  parties and were all told there were no such events.

     Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local    
paper that the  motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an    
executive from Marriott  said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 
for the  motel."

     Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the     
telephone  number."
================================================

             ________________________________________________
    ________|                   Sebastian's                  |________
   \        |             H U M O R   G R O U P              |       /
    \       |                   Sent in by                   |      /
     >  19  |Primal Void Engineer, Claremont, California, USA| 97  <
    /       |________________________________________________|      \
   /___________)                                          (__________\

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+-----+

Jonathan P. Bernick
Copyright January 28, 1997.

 Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government OfficialTM.
With regular maintenance your Government OfficialTM should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services.  Before you begin using your
product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out
this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any
other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling
your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary  - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary  - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government OfficialTM?  Please check
all
   that apply.
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government OfficialTM?  (Please check
all that apply.) __ Obtain lucrative government contracts. __ Have my
prejudices turned into law. __ Obtain diplomatic concessions. __
Obtain trade concessions. __ Have embargo lifted from own nation /
ally. __ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious
infidels. __ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress. __
Forestall military action against self / allies. __ Instigate military
action against internal enemies / aggressors /
   targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates /
spouse. __ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse. __ Inflict
punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
   groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
   exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase?  (Please check all that
apply.) __ Performance of currently owned model. __ Reputation. __
Price. __ Appearance. __ Party affiliation. __ Professed beliefs of
Government OfficialTM. __ Actual beliefs of Government OfficialTM. __
Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government. __
Blackmail. __ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government OfficialTM? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate
your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
        __ Dead.
        __ Senile.
        __ Indicted.
        __ Convicted.
        __ Resigned in disgrace.
        __ Switched parties / beliefs.
        __ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government OfficialTM you have chosen the best politician that money
can buy.
================================================
Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:

  Sent in by George:

                    Important Latin Phrases . .

  Die dulci fruere.
    Have a nice day.

  Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus
  alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
    If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the
    fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

  Sona si Latine loqueris.
    Honk if you speak Latin.

  Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
    Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

  Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput
  tuum saxum immane mittam.
    I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling
    an enormous rock at your head.

  Gramen artificiosum odi.
    I hate Astroturf.

  Furnulum pani nolo.
    I don't want a toaster.

  Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
    I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

  Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
    Don't call me, I'll call you.

  Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
    If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

  Canis meus id comedit.
    My dog ate it.

  Illiud Latine dici non potest.
    You can't say that in Latin.

  Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
    Seen any good movies lately?

  Nullo metro compositum est.
    It doesn't rhyme.

  Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
    I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

  Fac ut gaudeam.
    Make my day.

  Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica
  Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
    Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt
    and the plaid jacket!

  Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
    Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

  Re vera, potas bene.
    Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

  Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
    May barbarians invade your personal space!

  Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
    May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

  Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
    May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

  Radix lecti
    Couch potato

  Quo signo nata es?
    What's your sign?

  Spero nos familiares mansuros.
    I hope we'll still be friends.

  Mellita, domi adsum.
    Honey, I'm home.

  Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
    I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

  Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
    Go with the flow.

  Te precor dulcissime supplex!
    Pretty please with a cherry on top!

  Magister Mundi sum!
    I am the Master of the Universe!

  Fac me cocleario vomere!
    Gag me with a spoon!

  Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
    I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

  Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax
  materiam possit materiari?
     How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
     could chuck wood?

  Nihil est--in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
     That's nothing--in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

  Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
     Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

  Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
     Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

  Fac ut vivas.
     Get a life.

  Insula Gilliganis
     Gilligan's Island

HAND! Have A Nice Day!
DDF!  Die Dulci Fruere!
================================================
               _____________________________________
      ________|             Sebastian's             |________
     \        |       H U M O R   G R O U P         |       /
      \       |             Sent in by              |      /
       >  19  | Stephen : Calgary, Alberta, Canada  |  97 <
      /       |_____________________________________|      \
     /___________)                               (__________\

+--------------------------------------------------------------------+

 --"Men get laid, but women get screwed"-Quentin Crisp (english 
 writer)

 --"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. 
 A woman already knows"-Frederick Ryder

 --"Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place."-Billy
 Crystal.

 --"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll
 only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?"-Berverly
 Mickins (American comedienne)

 --"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So
 that we may love you instead of laugh at you."-Mrs. Patrick Campbell 
 (English actress)

 --"Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a 
 majorette."-Ernestyne White

 --"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire,
 four times; her intelligence, eight times."-Sanskrit proverb

 --"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
 think there's a lot they don't know.  Women do.  Women want to learn.
 
  Men think, 'I know what i'm doing, just show me somebody 
 naked."-Jerry  Seinfeld

 --"We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to
 free his hands for masturbation."-Jane Wagner

 --"MARCH ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT'S IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A
 LAMB."-Anonymous

 --" You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would
 have made sperm taste like chocolate."-Carrie Snow

 --"Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the
 last."-Remy de Gourmant (french writer)

 --"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman
 loses hers after four kisses"-H.L. Mencken (American writer,
 1888-1956)

 --"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. 
 When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of
 commitment"-Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

 --"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.  One is to
 let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her
 have it."-Lyndon B. Johnson

 --"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single
 and make thousands miserable?"-Carrie Snow

 --"God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer
 for her first question"-Anonymous
================================================
[Dockers sent this one in]

"How To Install Software A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry from his 
book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"

  1.  Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
  box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the 
software.  It should  look something like this:

        SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:

        2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
        628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
        719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
        3546 MB RAM
        432323 MB ROM
        05948737 MB RPM
        ANTI-LOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
        2 TURTLE DOVES

        NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

  2.  Open the software packaging and remove the manual.  This will
  contain detailed  instructions on installing, operating, and 
troubleshooting the software.  Throw it away.

  3.  Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either
  a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a 
sealed envelope that says:

               LICENSING AGREEMENT:

        By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by
        all the terms and  conditions of the following agreement that 
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. 
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective 
Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and 
imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and 
appropriate,  including the right to come to the user's home and 
examine the  user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear 
drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us 
part, one  nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders   
keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and     
don't forget to tip your servers.

      4.  Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,
      "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

      5.  If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software
      in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the 
Enter key.

      6.  Turn the computer on, you idiot.

      7.  Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

      8.  You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while,
      after which the following message should appear on 
your screen:

        The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
        what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK 
with you?  Choose  one, and be honest:

                          +-------+      +--------+
                          |  YES  |      |  SURE  |
                          +-------+      +--------+

      9.  After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
      whirring for a very long time while the installation 
program does God knows what in   there.  Some installation 
programs can actually alter   molecular structures, so that 
when they're done, your  computer has been transformed  into 
an entirely new device, such as a food processor.  At the 
very least, the  installation program will create many new 
directories,  sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your 
hard drive and  fill them with thousands of mysterious files 
with names like  "puree.exe,"  "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

      10. When the installation program is finished, your screen
      should display the following  message:

                    CONGRATULATIONS

        The installation program cannot think of anything else to do
        to your computer and has grown bored.  You may now 
attempt to run your software.  If you experience any problems, 
electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal 
discharge, or intestinal parasites,  you should immediately 
*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

      11. At this point your computer system should become less
      functional than the federal  government, refusing to 
respond even when struck with  furniture.

      12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed
      on the package and wait  on the line for a representative, who 
will explain to you,  in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a 
child aged 3 through 12.
================================================
