[Brian found this one]

How to identify where a driver is from:

 One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:  New York

 One hand on wheel, one finger out window:  Chicago

 One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
 accelerator:  Boston

 One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone,
 brick on accelerator:  California*
    *with gun in lap: L.A.

 Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
 terror:  Ohio, but driving in California.

 Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
 head turned to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy

 One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
 brake, mind on game:  Seattle

 One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
 both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
 McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

 One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
 steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming
 around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the
 road: Texas country male

 One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
 different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
 brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the
 accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother
 of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

 Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
 checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
 their own or another's car: Colorado

 One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand
 waving gun  out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a
 careful eye out  for landmarks along the way so as to be able
 to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other
 motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting
 a car with Texas plates.
================================================
[too dangerous for general distribution - somebody might not realize 
it's a joke!]
                  _____________________________________
         ________|             Sebastian's             |________
        \        |       H U M O R   G R O U P         |       /
         \       |             Sent in by              |      /
          >  19  |  CaliMan : Brooklyn, New York, USA  |  97 <
         /       |_____________________________________|      \
        /___________)                               (__________\

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
+-------+

 Recently a support personn, somebody who will remain unknown, deleted
 all the files on a floppy disk by accident.  In response to this
 unfortunate incident his fellow co-workers put together this helpful
 guide.  


Deleting Files From Disks

I. File Deletion: Benefits
Deleting files can be considered a valuable tool for support
personnel. Besides maximizing free space on fixed and network drives,
deletion can do the following:

Remove corrupt files
Remove viruses
Maximum defragmentation
Refreshing the file allocation table

II. Deletion Methodologies
There are several methods to use this powerful tool.

Type DEL *.* at the DOS prompt
Type DELTREE <directory name> at the DOS prompt (this even deletes
subdirectories - remember: deletion is all about maximizing!) 
FORMAT <drive letter>. Use the /Q /U to QUICKLY remove files with no 
chance of recovery (that's the U command). 
File Manager can delete too. Use the SHIFT and / key. Push the DELETE 
key to remove all files. If confirmations are turned on, you will be 
asked if you want to delete the files. Always say YES. Be sure to 
remove the confirmations when you complete this operation. 
FDISK can maximize the free space on your hard drive. It even removes 
the DOS system files. Users like to see this command used because it 
can give them the most free disk space possible. 
Remember that Novell network drives require you to type PURGE /A at 
the DOS prompt. Novell is against free disk space, which is the main 
reason it is losing market share dramatically.

III. Try it On the PC Next to Yours Now
File deletion is not dangerous like non-computer users will tell you.
It is a powerful ally in the hands of support personnel. The reasons
to use these commands and clear. People always need more space on disk
drives, and it is the duty of the support staff to provide timely and
applicable solutions. 

Do not give any second thoughts to using any of the commands listed in
Section II.

+---------------------------------------------------------------------
From HAND!

 First another disclaimer:
 The note about the Internet shutting down Was A JOKE. Do NOT turn off
 your computers this weekend.. (unless of course you want to)

        WHERE DO CHARACTERS GO WHEN YOU DELETE THEM

QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key on
my PC?

ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending
on whom you ask:

1)  The Catholic's approach to characters:

 The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good.  The
 characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles
 are soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out
 bottle in sight.  Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those
 that have never been, er, involved with other characters.  Often,
 you'll see A's or I's with N's or T's.  These are characters in love:
  monogamous on the page, together again after deletion.  You'll see
 quite a few Q's too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no
 good reason.

 The naughty characters are punished for their sins.  In case you were
 wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty
 character is, I'll tell you.  Naughty characters are those involved
 in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex,"
 "objectivity," and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism,"
 "reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science."  You may ask,
 and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for the words they
 assemble, when in fact they are not responsible for their own
 configuration.  But we feel that a character has an obligation to
 oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration.  If it truly felt
 guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.

2) The Buddhist Explanation:

 If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after
 it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
 character.  Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard
 will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters
 will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters
 will become C's.  Why C, you ask?  Who knows, but C it is!  If a
 character's karma is not so good, then it will move down the above
 scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

 Who cares?  All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
 meaningless nothingness.  It doesn't really matter if they're on the
 page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc.  It's all the same.  More
 characters should delete themselves.  (nihilist characters are easy
 to identify.  They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)

4) The Mac user's explanation:

 All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC
 hell.  If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted
 characters, because you're in PC hell also.

5) Stephen King's explanation:

 Every time you hit the  key you unleash a tiny monster inside the
 cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks
 their blood, then eats them, bones and all.  Hah, hah, hah!

6) Dave Barry's explanation:

 The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
 they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are
 so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable.  I'm not
 making any of this up.

 7) IBM's explanation:

 The characters are not real.  They exist only on the screen when they
 are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
 de-conceptualize them.  Get a life.

 8) Environmentalist's Explanation:

 You've been DELETING them????  Can't you hear them SCREAMING???  Why
 don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!!

================================================
   COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

    1.  Describe your problem:
        ____________________________________________

    2.  Now, describe the problem accurately:
        ____________________________________________

    3.  Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
        ____________________________________________

    4.  Problem Severity:
        A. Minor__
        B. Minor__
        C. Minor__
        D. Trivial__

    5.  Nature of the problem:
        A. Locked Up__
        B. Frozen__
        C. Hung__
        D. Shot__

    6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

    7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

    8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

    9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

   10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

   11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

   12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

   13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

   14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
       ____________________________________________

   15. How tall are you?  Are you above this line? _______

   16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
       occurred?
       _____________________________________________

   17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
       _____________________________________________

   18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

   19. How does this problem make you feel?
       ____________________________________________

   20. Tell me about your childhood
       ____________________________________________

   21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__
   No__

   22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
================================================

These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become
secret agents. They finally get through all their written and
physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors 
who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking 
into another room. 

They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there.  
The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the
first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years."  The trainee
takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 
minute later and says "I can't do it."  The instructor replies, 
"Then you fail - get out." 

They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her
there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it 
to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years."  The 
trainee takes the weapon , goes into the next room but comes back 
out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it."  The instructor 
replies, "Then you fail - get out." 

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her 
there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it 
to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years."  The 
trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is 
silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds 
followed by a huge commotion in the room.  The third man came out 
finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, stupid!  You gave 
me blanks - I had to choke her to death!"
================================================
 You know you've been on the computer too long when...

 ...asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

 ...your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come
 to 
    bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for
    for omitting the "else" clause.

 ...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the 
    next page.

 ...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the
 phone
    and start dialing an IP number...

 ...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor 
    you want.

 ...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, 
    but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

 ...you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

 ...you desperately need an undo button after breaking a vase.

================================================
There was a nurse working in the hospital and she was what you would
 call "a disaster on two feet". She got all her tasks mixed up and she
 basically could not do anything right. The other hospital staff tried
 to give her only the simplest tasks that they thought could cause the
 least damage when not done correctly. Obviously this nurse was not
 very busy.

 One day she was standing around again, waiting to cause havoc, when a
 doctor came to her. He gave her, what he thought was an extremely
 simple task to do, and then he walked away. He was only a short
 distance down the corridor when a naked male patient came charging
 past him. The patient had only a small towel in front of him and he
 was running for his life. The doctor stopped dead, watching as this
 nurse came charging after the patient with a big pot of boiling hot
 water in her hands.

 It was then that the doctor screamed at the nurse :

 "Nurse, nurse, I said 'PRICK his BOIL' !!!"
================================================
*File Description: Diary Of A Digital Homeowner*


The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:

Nov 28, 1995:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked.  The cable TV is connected to our phone, which
is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power
lines, all the appliances and the security system.  Everything runs
off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used.
Programming is a snap.  I'm like, totally wired.

Nov 30:  Hot Stuff!  Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy
when I arrived.  Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically
attached.

Dec 1:  Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth
problems.  The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on
the phone.  They insist it's a problem with the cable company's
compression algorithms.  How do they expect me to order things from
the Home Shopping Channel?

Dec 8:  Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
surprised.  I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
washing machine interface when I'm not here.  She must be downloading
one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet
charges were through the roof on the invoice.

Dec 3:  Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED.  Freak event.  As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew.  Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
 Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances.  Nothing.

Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone).  They refer
me to the utility.  The utility insists that the problem is in the
software.  So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics
via my house processor.  Their expert system claims it has to be the
utility's fault.  I don't care, I just want my kitchen back.  More
phone calls; more remote diag's.

Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode":  The network
had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So
the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down
the entire kitchen.  But because sensor memory confirmed that there
hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was
confused and it couldn't do a standard restart.  The utility guy
swears this was the first time this has ever happened.  Rebooting the
kitchen took over an hour.

Dec 7:  The police are not happy.  Our house keeps calling them for
help.  We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified
when they hit the window.  When these vibrations mix with a gust of
wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer
concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.

Another glitch:  Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.  That
means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels
by hand.  The software and the utility people say this flaw will be
fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1.  But it's not ready yet.

Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning
into the cable system to watch Bay Watch.  The unit is completely
inoperable during that same hour.  I guess I can live with that.  At
least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.

Dec 9:  I just bought the new Microsoft Home.  Took 93 gigabytes of
storage, but it will be worth it, I think.  The house should be much
easier to use and should really do everything.  I had to sign a second
mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind:  I don't really own my
house now--it's really the bank.  Let them deal with Microsoft.

Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House.  I keep
getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the
dishwasher.

Dec 12:  This is a nightmare.  There's a virus in the house.  My
personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access
network.  I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom
windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the
washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up
and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel.  Through-
out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode
from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere.  Of course, the security
sensors detect nothing.

I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!!  NOW THE FUN BEGINS ...  (Be it ever so
humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).

Dec 18:  They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
place is a shambles.  Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure
we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless,
the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
themselves) are confident the worst is over.  "HomeWrecker is pretty
bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get
PolterGeist.  That one is really evil."

Dec 19:  Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses.  "Fires and
mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster.  "Viruses, no."  My
agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims
and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my
house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line
service.  Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to
anticipate every virus that might be created.

We call our lawyer.  He laughs.  He's excited!

Dec 21:  I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special
holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for
the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to
meet the programmers personally.  "Sure," I tell him.
================================================

 A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.  Within a
 few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
 handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the
 problem: shewas in heat. What to do? There was no male of this
 species available.

 While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
 Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
 Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
 and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
 might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
 female gorilla.

 So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw
 the  gorilla -- for five hundred bucks?  Mike replied that he might
 be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

 The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
 but only under three conditions:

 "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
  want nothing to do with any off spring that may result from this
  union."

 The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
 could be the third?  "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another
 week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
================================================
[from Amy]

 A few rejected state mottos:

      Alabama:
      "Literasy Ain't Everthing"

      Arkansas:
      "At Least We're not Mississippi"

      Illinois:
      "Gateway to Iowa"

      Kentucky:
      "Tobacco is a Vegetable"

      Minnesota:
      "For Sale"

      Mississippi:
      "Ignrint -- and Proud of it"

      Montana:
      "Land of the Big Sky, Unabomer, and Very Little Else"

      New Jersey:
      "You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
 Attorney..."

      New Mexico:
      "Lizards Make Excellent Pets"

      North Carolina:
      "Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names"

      Ohio:
      "Don't Judge Us by Cleveland"

      Pennsylvania:
      "Cook With Coal"

      South Dakota:
      "Closer Than North Dakota"

      Tennessee:
      "The Educashun State"

      Texas:
      "Se Habla Ingles"

      California:
      "Se Habla Ingles, Tambien!"

      Utah:
      "Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus"

      West Virginia:
      "One Big Happy Family -- Really!"
================================================
ANNOUNCING -- BrainDoubler 1.0

               (From the developers of ConflictDoubler)

You've doubled your RAM, you've doubled your speed, you've even
doubled your CPU.  You're still hungry for more.  What to do next?

                          DOUBLE YOUR BRAIN!

Since the introduction of the Altair in the mid-1970s, the power of
the average personal computer has grown at an exponential rate. 
Today's notebook computer possesses orders of magnitude more
processing power than the Apollo astronauts took with them to the
moon.  You and I wouldn't think of booting up with less than a PowerPC
or Pentium; Neil Armstrong cruised a half-million miles and made One
Giant Leap(tm) with TTL circuitry!

Despite the explosion in processing power and the accompanying plunge
in costs for RAM and hard disk storage, many computer users are still
disappointed with the performance of their personal computer systems

"In 1985, when I bought my Mac 512K and an ImageWriter II," says Roy  
Cardiff, an early Mac adopter, "it took me about a day to write and
edit a 10 page memo.  Now that I have a Mac 8500 32/1080MB and a color
laser printer, it takes me... about a day to type and edit a 10 page
memo."

Indeed, our detailed analyses show that over the course of a 24 hour  
period, 99.94% of all processor cycles are spent waiting for you, the
computer user, to do something.  In other words, the bottleneck today
is not in your computer--it is in your head.

The lesson is plain.  If you want to get more out of your computer,  
you're going to have to improve *your* performance.  To help you
along, we've developed BrainDoubler.

In our beta testing, we have found that BrainDoubler significantly  
increases the rate at which experienced users are able to get work
done with their computers:


Good Ideas per hour:

    w/o BrainDoubler  ******************
     w/ BrainDoubler  **********************************


Bad Ideas per hour:

     w/o BrainDoubler  ********
      w/ BrainDoubler  ***************


Coherent Sentences per hour:

    w/o BrainDoubler  **********
     w/ BrainDoubler  *****************


(Your results may vary.  We've noticed that people with a general
propensity for bad ideas produce a majority of bad ideas with
BrainDoubler.  We're working on a fix.  In the meantime, we do not
recommend BrainDoubler for idiots, MBAs or government employees.)

Look for BrainDoubler at your local retailer/mail order house.
Available soon!


By: Paul E Parsons
================================================
[from Amy]

Short Books

1)  A Guide to Arab Democracies
2)  A Journey through the Mind of a Squid
3)  Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4)  Career Opportunities for History Majors
5)  Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6)  Detroit - A Travel Guide
7)  Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8)  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 
9)  Easy UNIX 
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 
11) Everything Men Know About Women 
12) French Hospitality 
13) George Bush: The Wild Years 
15) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 
16) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 
17) Mormon Divorce Lawyers 
18) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 
19) Popular Lawyers 
20) Reasons Not To Have Sex 
21) Staple Your Way to Success 
22) Tasty Bile Recipes 
23) The Amish Phone Book 
25) The Who's Who of Great Republican Humanitarians 
26) The Who's Who of Great Liberal Thinkers 
27) The Virtues of Being a Political Moderate 
28) The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle 
29) All Glasses Are Made to Hold Vodka - The Russian Guide to Table 
Manners
30) Bill Clinton's Tax Cut Plan
================================================
***** H.A.N.D. is generously sponsored by 1-800-SEND-123 **********

Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:

sent in by Michele Larger:

          If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What
                seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it
                 with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind
                  of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
                 problem;  how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with
                  the fly in my soup?

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
                  the fly in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the
    Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running
              late now.

    [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the
    check.]

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

     [Waiter leaves.]

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
          ----------
          The check:

     Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00

     Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50

     Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00


Editors Note:
      Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge
       (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

================================================
 A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a
 small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
 The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

 "Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of
  all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion,
  you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

 On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is
 mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant
 snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a
 dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari
 wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a
 corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.

 The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't
 know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
================================================
*File Description: Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex*


Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
--------------------------------

1.  You can GET chocolate.
2.  "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning
        with chocolate.
3.  Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4.  You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5.  You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6.  You can have chocolate in front of your grandma.
7.  If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8.  Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
        called nasty names.
9.  The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
        working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
        face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20.
With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
================================================
[by Steve Dolan, via Brian]

(Sung to the tune of the Irish Washerwoman)
I eat critters for breakfast all covered with gore,
My knuckles are hairy and drag on the floor,
I'm a typical member of our human race,
The meanest damn species that ever did space.

You may think my accent is just a bit strange,
The cause of it is just a wee bit deranged,
Me father was Irish, me mom from the Moon,
And so you can see that I'm pure Irish Loon.

I was raised up on Venus, took schoolin' on Mars,
Shipped out to Pluto, from there to the stars,
I can swear in low Vulcan and High Klingonese,
So my accent you see is the pure Brooklynese.
================================================
St. Patrick's is the day on which the Irish march up Fifth Avenue and 
stagger down Sixth Avenue.

"What's an Irish seven-course dinner?"
"A boiled potato and a six-pack of beer."

"How do you tell a bride at an Irish wedding?"
"She's the one in the maternity dress."

An Irishwoman who had reached the age of 102 was giving an interview 
about her longevity, when one of the reporters asker her if she had 
ever been bedridden.  "Oh yis," she answered, "many times, me bye -- 
and once on a sleigh."

In the late 60's, a young college co-ed named Erin was deciding 
whether or not to join FemLib.  Isaac Asimov gave HIS opinion: "Erin 
- go braless!"		[Erin go bragh = Ireland forever]

Isaac Asimov wrote a filk song to the tune of the "Irish 
Washerwoman":
	Para-di-methyl-amino-benzaldehyde
	Sodium citrate, ammonium cyanide.... 
	[for several verses. About committing suicide, actually.]
Anyway, he was once singing this happily to himself while walking the 
streets of Brooklyn.  A woman of obvious Irish descent remarked on 
it: "Sure and isn't that The Irish Washerwoman - and in the original 
Gaelic no less!"
================================================
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful
reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have
I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor
questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The
solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no,"
said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in
for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything
about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out
are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone
grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you
need reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold
an intelligent conversation."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? 
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a
pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of
their pints and stuck in the creamy heads.

The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded
to order another pint.

The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and
proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over
his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU #@$%&*!!!"
**********************************************************
   Pat and Mike left their favorite bar in Belfast after a full    
evening of drinking.  It was very, very late.  On their way home, the 
wind was ablowin' real strong, strong enough to sort of push them off 
the beaten path they'd always taken back to their country homes, 
gently moving them over onto the railroad tracks.  They walked and 
walked and walked for hours.

   Finally, Pat said to Mike, "Hey Mikey me lad . . . this has just  
got to be the longest stairway I've ever climbed, don't you agree?"

   Mike looked back at his old boozin' buddy Pat and he said, "Ohhh,
Patrick . . . I don't mind the stairs so much, but it's these damned
low handrails . . . they be akillin' me back!"
================================================
[from Nancy Rice, who IS a lawyer!]

     A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers 
he would see walking down the side of the road.  Every time he 
would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit 
him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back 
on the road.
    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest 
hitchhiking.  He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck 
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"  "I'm going 
to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.  "No 
problem, Father. I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck." The 
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued 
down the road.
    Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and 
instinctively swerved to hit him.  Then he remembered he had a priest 
in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the 
road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was 
certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."  Not 
understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors 
and, not seeing anything, tuned to the priest and said,"I'm sorry, 
Father, I almost hit that lawyer."
    "That's OK," replied the priest.  "I got him with the door."

[Actually, (1) very few lawyers walk down "roads", and (2) very few 
priests hitchhike!]

================================================
*File Description: If other famous computers had Pentiums...*



OTHER PENTIUM BASED COMPUTERS (by Patsyann)

Marvin, the Paranoid Android

""Don't blame you,' said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety
seven point three two six billion sheep before falling asleep again
point 98756 seconds later."

Deep Thought, the second greatest computer in the history of the
Universe.

"'The Answer to the Great Question...'
'Yes...!'
'Of Life, the Universe and Everything...' said Deep Thought.
'Yes...!'
'Is...'
'Yes...!!!...?'
'Forty-one point seven nine two,' said Deep Thought, with infinite
majesty and calm."


Lieutenant Commander Data, USS Enterprise NC 1701-D

Lieutenant Worf: "Romulan Bird of Prey decloaking directly ahead,
Captain." Captain Jean-Luc Picard: "Raise shields!" Worf: "The
Romulans are firing their phasers, Captain!" Picard: "Mr. Data! Time
to impact!" Data: "Precisely 11.83765 seconds to impact, sir!" Picard:
"That's exactly enough time for me to tug down my tunic, point my
finger and shout, fire photon torpedos! Fire photon tor--" Worf:
"Direct hit on the port nacelle sir!" Picard: "Fire photon torpedos!"
Worf: "Photon torpedos away, sir!" Picard: "Time to impact!" Data:
"Precisely 6.345612 seconds to impact, sir!" Commander William Riker:
"No, they've already hit! Somebody find me a woman!" Worf: "The
Romulans are firing again, sir!" Data: "Precisely 2.90859825
(interrupted by bursts striking the Enterprise) oh, well..."
Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge (on communicator): "We have a core
breach in progress! I've tried rerouting, reformatting and
reconfiguring, but no matter how fast I roll my chair around nothing
works! I dinna know how much longer I can hold her together, Captian!"
Data: "The Enterprise will explode in precisely 15.9038209...no, wait,
I mean 12.85729857...no, wait..." Counselor Deanna Troi: "Data, I'm
sensing great confusion from you." Data: "Do not worry about me,
Counselor. I calculate that I have a 99.4721984 percent chance of
going directly to Silicon Heaven when the Enterprise is destroyed.
5.2109483 seconds to core breach." Picard: "I thought you were only
supposed to make one mistake in every 27,000 calculations, you
mechanical moron!" Data: "Oh, no, Captain. Somebody at the Intel
Corporation just made that up to keep you from all going nuts."

Holly, a tenth generation artifically intelligent hologrammatic
computer attached to the mining ship Red Dwarf:

No change.


**********************************************************************
 A Diplomat is a person who:

 -always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
 -can always make himself misunderstood.
 -can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length
 sable. -can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold
 issue. -can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
 -can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests. -can make his
 wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat. -can make nothing
 sound like something. -can put his best foot forward when he doesn't
 have a leg to stand on. -can put his foot down without stepping on
 someone's toes. -can say the nastiest things in the nicest way. -can
 tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
 -can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the
 trip. -comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with
 you. -divides his time between running for office and running for
 cover. -has a straightforward way of dodging issues. -lets you do all
 the talking while he gets what he wants. -puts his cards on the
 table, but still has some up each sleeve. -straddles an issue
 whenever he isn't dodging one. -will approach every question with an
 open mouth. -will lay down your life for his country. -will refuse to
 answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

------------------------------

 An eccentric elderly woman:

        -Even her hot flashes are lukewarm.
        -Her age is her business, but she never talks about business.
        -Her birthday cake has been declared a fire hazard. -Her last
        birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. -Her real age is the
        only secret she would keep. -Her Social Security number is 2.
        -Her teeth are the only things she has that aren't wrinkled.
        -It took her ten minutes to blow out all her candles on her
        last
birthday.
        -She admits approaching 30.  I wonder from which direction.
        -She doesn't learn history.  She remembers it. -She gets
        winded playing checkers. -She gets winded watching television.
        -She had a driver's license for covered wagons. -She had the
        lemon concession at the Boston Tea Party. -She has more
        wrinkles than a pound of prunes. -She has more wrinkles than a
        road map. -She remembers when Heinz had only three varieties.
        -She was born in the year only the Lord knows. -The last time
        she lit all her candles she needed ten matches. -The only time
        she will see 60 again is on a speed limit sign. -When I asked
        her to pass the salt and the pepper, she had to make
two trips.
        -Whenever someone asks her for her real age she only tells
        half of it.

------------------------------

 An Old Timer is a person who remembers when:

        -a day's work took a day and not a week.
        -a dishwasher had to be married and not bought.
        -a dollar was worth fifty cents.
        -a hero meant a person, not a sandwich.
        -a wife put food in cans instead of taking it out.
        -a wife's meals were carefully thought out rather than thawed
        out. -a woman married a man for his money instead of divorcing
        him for it. -air was clean and sex was dirty. -baby sitters
        were called mothers. -campers were people and not trucks.
        -girls stayed home because they had nothing to wear. -health
        foods were whatever your mother said you'd better eat or else.
        -it took a whole week to spend a week's pay. -people aimed to
        get to Heaven instead of the moon. -people stopped spending
        when they ran out of money. -sex education was learning to
        kiss without bumping noses. -the only garbage problem was
        getting your husband to put it out. -we sat down at the table
        and counted our blessings instead of
calories.
        -you were only broke the day before payday.

------------------------------

 A Husband is a man who:

        -gave up privileges he never knew he had.
        -is spouse-broken.
        -lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.
        -made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.

------------------------------

 A Wife is a woman who:

        -can dish it out but can't cook it.
        -dresses to kill and cooks the same way.
        -has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up
        bills,
         and has a fed-up husband.
        -is a dish-jockey.
        -is a husband's bitter half.
        -sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would
        never
         have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.

================================================
