3/20/97

[By Emo Phillips, via Dean's Humor List and Wit & Wisdom]

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A
truck!"

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and
charge five dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the
antidote.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm
going to mop the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll be sorry." 
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't be able to get
into the corners very well."

I love to go down to the school yard and watch all the little children
jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...  They don't
know I'm only using blanks.

I ran three miles today, finally I said, "lady take your purse."

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll reproduce.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800.  I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been
paying for things lately, that should more than make up the
difference."

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
television?"  I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other
way."

================================================
[from Amy]

     Dilbert's Laws of Work

     If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
     nights.

     A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
     butt.

     Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
     promoted.

     It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
     you've done and what you're going to do.

     After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
     the month than you did before.

     The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to
     get.

     You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
     clipboard.

     Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
     worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

     When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
     talking about themselves.

     If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
     a damn fool about it.

     There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
     when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

     Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

     Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

     Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a
     cocktail hour.

     To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

     Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
     he/she is supposed to be doing.

     Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
     the mail.

     If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
     really good, you will get out of it.

     You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
     your desk.

     People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 

     If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

     At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
     the number of pens that person is carrying.

     When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

     Following the rules will not get the job done. 

     Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

     When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
     easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
     handle this?"

     No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

     The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
     for everything that goes wrong.

     "Alcohol is our friend, and it's about time we had more friends 
     over."
================================================
(Shared by The Pig Sty Humor Mailing List via Wit & Wisdom)

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a 
bath." 
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my 
ship came in." 
The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. 
You've ever given rat traps as gifts. 
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it 
look nice. 
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 
You're considered an expert on worm beds. 
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. 
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. 
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. 
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. 
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. 
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your 
appearance. 
When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.

================================================
[forwarded from Andrew Gross, via Dee Christian]

A buddy of mine once wrote a custom report for use inside of an 
Oracle Financials application.  The report could accept any or all of 
a dozen or so different parameters, which were used to filter and 
sort the data.

 He checked to make sure that a bare minimum of parameters were passed
in, since to run the report with insufficient filtering parameters
would take forever and produce hundreds of pages of output.  

The error message that he printed if the minimal parameter set was not
entered was: "Operator Error:  Remove and Replace Operator".

As far as I know, the error message is still part of the production
code at that site.
================================================
[forwarded from Hugh Hong, via Dee Christian]

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES .....

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

    Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

    Farmer Bill Dies in House

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

    Stud Tires Out

    Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

    British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

    Eye Drops off Shelf

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

    Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

    Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

    Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

    Stolen Painting Found by Tree

    Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

    Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

    Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

    Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

    Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

    War Dims Hope for Peace

    If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

    Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

    Deer Kill 17,000

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

    Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

    British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

    Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

    Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

    New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

    Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

    Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

    Air Head Fired

    Steals Clock, Faces Time

    Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

    Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

    Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

    Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

    Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

    Include your Children when Baking Cookies
================================================
EXTRAPOLATION

by Mark Twain

One of the Mississippi's oddest peculiarities is that of shortening
its length from time to time. If you will throw a long, pliant
apple-paring over your shoulder, it will pretty fairly shape itself
into an average section of the Mississippi River; that is, the nine or
ten hundred miles stretching from Cairo, Illinois, southward to New
Orleans, the same being wonderfully crooked, with a brief straight bit
here and there at wide intervals. The two-hundred-mile stretch from
Cairo northward to St. Louis is by no means so crooked, that being a
rocky country which the river cannot cut much.

The water cuts the alluvial banks of the `lower' river into deep
horseshoe curves; so deep, indeed, that in some places if you were to
get ashore at one extremity of the horseshoe and walk across the neck,
half or three quarters of a mile, you could sit down and rest a couple
of hours while your steamer was coming around the long elbow, at a
speed of ten miles an hour, to take you aboard again. When the river
is rising fast, some scoundrel whose plantation is back in the
country, and therefore of inferior value, has only to watch his
chance, cut a little gutter across the narrow neck of land some dark
night, and turn the water into it, and in a wonderfully short time a
miracle has happened: to wit, the whole Mississippi has taken
possession of that little ditch, and placed the countryman's
plantation on its bank.

Pray observe some of the effects of this ditching business. The
Mississippi between Cairo and New Orleans was twelve hundred and
fifteen miles long one hundred and seventy-six years ago. It was
eleven hundred and eighty after the cut-off of 1722. It was one
thousand and forty after the American Bend cut-off. It has lost
sixty-seven miles since. Consequently its length is only nine hundred
and seventy-three miles at present.

Now, if I wanted to be one of those ponderous scientific people, and
`let on' to prove what had occurred in the remote past by what had
occurred in a given time in the recent past, or what will occur in the
far future by what has occurred in late years, what an opportunity is
here! Geology never had such a chance, nor such exact data to argue
from! Nor `development of species', either! Glacial epochs are great
things, but they are vague--vague. Please observe. In the space of one
hundred and seventy-six years the Lower Mississippi has shortened
itself two hundred and forty-two miles. This is an average of a trifle
over one mile and a third per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is
not blind or idiotic, can see that in the Old Oolitic Silurian Period,
just a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River
was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, and stuck
out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing-rod. And by the same token
any person can see that seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Lower Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long, and
Cairo and New Orleans will have joined their streets together, and be
plodding comfortably along under a single mayor and a mutual board of
aldermen. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
fact.

Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi 173-6 (1883)
================================================
*File Description: What Is Technical Harassment*


                                What is
                          Technical Harassment

   In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities 
for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical 
harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be 
aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently 
technically harass another person by accident.

   Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are
being technically harassed.

   If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be
the victim of technical harassment.  While it is most common to be 
asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some 
instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment.  
Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to 
exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same 
question repeatedly.  Untreated, these instances of group technical 
harassment can continue for years.

   If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and
they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is 
frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a 
true technical answer for more than 30 seconds.

   If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than
three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake 
and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment.  One note 
of caution, competent technical people have been known to 
inadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC 
Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use more common 
technical terms in the past such as "stuff" and "things", they are 
most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing.

   If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick".
For example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has 
been updated". This is a sure sign of technical harassment.

   If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a
vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being 
technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely 
been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only 
been technically annoyed.

   If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a
vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the 
product you are being set up for technical harassment.  It is a 
common reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased 
technical equipment to call another non-technical person.  The 
dialogue between two nontechnical people usually provides some sense 
of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused.
================================================
Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:

from the files of David & Virginia:

                  Wise Pipe Specifications
             ----------------------------------
  1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or
  plastic centred around the hole.
  2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not
  use holes of different length than the pipe.
  3. The inside diameter of the pipe must not exceed the outside
  diameter -  otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
  4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that
  water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
  5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more
  readily applied at the job site. ( Some vendors are now able to 
supply pre - rusted pipe.  If available in your area this product 
is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.)
  6. All pipe over 500 ft (153 m) long should have the words 'long
  pipe' painted on each end, so the contractor will know it is a 
long pipe.
  7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words 'long
  pipe' painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to 
walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it 
is a long pipe.
  8. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words 'large pipe'
  painted  on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small 
pipe.
  9. Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes 
for  bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
 10. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure
 to specify right hand or left hand, otherwise you will end up 
going the wrong way.
 11. Be sure to specify whether you want level, uphill or downhill
 pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will 
flow the wrong way.
 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads,
 but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being
 screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
================================================
[from Tom Lewis.  Sorry, but Pegasus Mail tends to remove the 
<Return>s and I am feeling too lazy to put them back in for this many 
jokes.]

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A:
Artificial intelligence. A2: By doing the splits. 7. Q: Why aren't
blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two
calves together! 8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left
leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. 9. Q: Why do blondes wash their
hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash
vegetables! 10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After
a dye job. 11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the
plane? A1: She'd just dyed her hair. A2: She'd just blow dried her
hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. 12. Q: Why do
blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over
their heads. 13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You
can park in the handicap zone. 14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's
greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! 18. Q: How do you make
a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 19. Q:
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her
ears. 20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It
takes too long to retrain them.

21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A:
There's writing on the white-out. 22. Q: What's the difference between
a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a
computer once. 24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 25. Q: Why
do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from
side to side) I dunno! 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes
in their shoulder pads. 27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A:
They put tacks in their shoulder pads. 28. Q: Why don't blondes eat
Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
those little packages. 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A:
Because they can't get their head in the jar. 32. Q: Why do blondes
wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their
ankles. 33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their
feet through. 35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because
red means stop. 42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm
*sooo* drunk!"

43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now
in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 48. Q: What is 74
to a blonde? A: 69 plus G.S.T. 49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on
their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. 50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on
their shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. 51. Q: What do you call a brunette
with a blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. 52. Q: What do you
call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. 53. Q: How do
you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another
beer. 54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have
another beer." 55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the
morning? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 56. Q: What's the
first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2:
Walks home. 65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because
everybody gets a turn. A: So they know when to stop having sex! 71. Q:
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the
refill!" 72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another
blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. 74. Q: How can you tell which blonde
is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear,
wondering what she did with her pencil. 75. Q: What did the blonde
customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A:
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" 76. Q: Why
do blondes have more fun? A1: Because they don't know any better. A2:
They are easier to keep amused. 77. Q: How many blondes does it take
to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds
the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the
Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" 78. Q: What's a blonde's
favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!" 79. Q: What do
you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. 80. Q: Why are
there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. 81. Q: Why does NASA hire
peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. 85. Q:
What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's
mine?

86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A:
"Are you sure it's mine?" 87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing
ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. 88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a
circle? A: A dope ring. 89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb
blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot
a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no
such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2:
None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy
or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on
the other side. 91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand
grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. 92. Q: Why do
blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. 93.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling
out. 94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her
boyfriend was also blond! 95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed
off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde
has to stop to ask for directions. 96. Q: What happens when a blonde
gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! 97. Q: What's the
difference between Indiana and a blonde? A: A blonde has larger hills
and deeper valleys. 98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a
Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend. 99. Q:
What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't
let your best friend borrow your toothbrush. 102. Q: What do a bowling
ball and a blonde have in common? A: Chances are they'll both end up
in the gutter. 103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and
"The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A:
Bigfoot has been spotted. 105. Q: What's the difference between a
blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke
of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men. 109. Q:
What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? A: They both get easier
to pick-up with age. 110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have
in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets. 111. Q: What
does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty
from the neck up. 112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in
common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. 114. Q: What do
peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black
roots. 116. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A1: Put a mirror at the
bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch
and sniff at the bottom of the pool. 117. Q: Why did the blonde drown
in the pool? A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the
pool. 118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forgot
to take the tissues out of the box. 119. Q: How many blondes does it
take to make chocolate-chip cookies? A1: 10. One to mix the dough and
nine to peel the smarties. A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two
to squeeze the rabbit. A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel
the M&Ms. 120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A:
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. 121. Q: What did the
blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in
bed by 12, come home. 122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer? A: " I'm
blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm
blonde, yea yea yea..." 123. Q: What do you get when you offer a
blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. 124. Q: How does a blonde
moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the
floor! 126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." 128. Q: How
did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. 129.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. 130. Q: Why did
the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only
6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. 131. Q: What
do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? A: "Nice tits!" 132.
Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn
over' on both sides of a piece of paper. 135. Q: Why do blondes have
legs? A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground. A2: To get between
the bedroom and the kitchen. A3: So they don't leave trails, like
little snails. 138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by
drooling idiots? A: Flattered. 139. Q: Why do blondes always die
before help arrives? A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1". 140.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by
"the fuzz"? A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." 141. Q:
What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes.
142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes.
143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A: A 69 interrupted by a
period. 144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her
period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. 145. Q:
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh
look! Donut seeds!" 147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed? A: Because
they always burn their nipples. 148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde
lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! 149. Q: Why do blondes
put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem. 150. Q:
What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.

151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
156. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.
162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
165. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. 168. Q: What did the blonde
do when she got her period? A: Looked around for the bastard that must
have shot her? 169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She
liked to be filled with cream. 170. Q: What did the blonde say to the
physicist? A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for
bait?" 171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes? A: Because they're
simple, easy and they taste good. 172. Q: How does a blonde hold her
liquor? A: By the ears. 173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been
making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the
kitchen floor. 174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a
bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. 175. Q: What job
function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. 176.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For
throwing out the W's. 177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police
car? A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. 178. Q: What do
you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? A: Last year's hide and seek
champ. 179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes
and let the flies do the rest. 180. Q: What's the difference between a
blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a
cunning runts. 181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the
Suez/Panama Canal? A: One's a busy ditch. 182. Q: What is the
difference between a blonde and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you
around after you use it. 183. Q: What's the difference between a
blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says,
"Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." 184.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own. 185. Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks
after 6 months. 186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline. 187.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
blonde? A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho
says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll
paint the ceiling beige." 188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry
you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it
mine?" 189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag. 191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her
blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's
off. 192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the
blinker off. 193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM,
SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 194. Q: What
is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech,
varoom...screech.....? A: A blonde trying to drive through an
intersection with a flashing red light. 195. Q: Why did the blonde
tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered
to the right box. 196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that
were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". 197. Q: How can you tell
when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 198.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with
the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead. 199. Q:
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? A: She can't say "No".
200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto
Rican? A: Retardo.

201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning? A: A visitor. 202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her
ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. 203. Q: How can you tell
if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge
smiles on all the bosses' faces. 204. Q: Why can't blondes put in
light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. 205. Q: What
is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air. 206. Q: Did you
hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three
legs and was still stuck. 207. Q: Why did the blonde take her
typewriter to the doctor? A: She thought it was pregnant because
missed a period. 208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the
head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 209. Q: What is a
blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! 210. Q: How
do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge
in her ear! 211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's
License? A: Because she got an F in sex. 212. Q: What do you call two
nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver. 213. Q: Why
did the blonde cross the road? A1: Forget the road, what was she doing
out of the bedroom!? A2: I don't know. R: Neither did she. 214. Q: Did
you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She
missed. 215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to
see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. 216. A blonde was
driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said
"DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself
"oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same
blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By
the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. 217. How
about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. 218. A brunette
and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly,
"Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says,
"Where?" 219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been
driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you
were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all
the people were leaving. 222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing
their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My
god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh,
you mean with one guy. 223. Three blondes are attempting to change a
light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help.
We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put
in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working
fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning
the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. 224. What about
the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who
the other man was... 225. There were three people stranded on an
island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over
the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she
announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five
miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island,
and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the
redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's
better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So
she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than
the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.
After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the
blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd
better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15
miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. 226. This
blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde
said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out,
I'll sink?" 227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one
looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde
looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half
hour later they were both killed by a train. 229. Two blondes observed
in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a
coat hanger. Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to
rain and the top is down! 230. A blonde was walking along, when she
looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops
a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I
had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or:
"Good thing that cows don't fly." 231. A dumb Blonde died and went to
Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who
said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it
easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought
for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made
you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks
with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." 232. Did you hear about
the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to
Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the
encyclopaedia... 233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about
it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" 234. A blonde, a brunette
and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll
have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon
and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G
and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender:
"What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" 235. A government study has shown
that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they
saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
slogan "Billions Served - just today" 238. Q. How can you tell that a
blonde's having a bad day. A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear,
and she can't find her pencil. 239. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes
touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. 240. Q: What do you
call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. 241. Q: Why should you
never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them.
242. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A:
Their heels. 243. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They
don't know the route. 244. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. 245. Q: What's the
difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to
open the legs of an ironing board. 246. Q: What is foreplay for a
blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging. 247. Q: What's the difference
between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a
broom closet at once. 248. Q: What's the difference between a blonde
and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only
one person can use the phone at once. 250. Q: What did the blonde say
when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm
not hurt."
================================================
> >Subject: West Virginia Letter
> >
> >
> >Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:
> >
> >I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read
> >fast.
> >
> >We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
> > newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your
> >home, so we moved.
> >
> >I won't be able to send you the address because the last West
> >Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they
> >moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
> >
> >This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
> >sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled
> >the chain and haven't seen them since.
> >
> >The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
> >first time for three days and the second time for four days.
> >
> >About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said
> >it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
> >cut them off and put them in the pockets.
> >
> >John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
> >because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
> >
> >Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what
> >it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby
> >looks just like your brother....
> >
> >Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
> >pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had
> >him cremated and he burned for three days.
> >
> >Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
> >Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
> >Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
> >couldn't get the tailgate down.
> >
> >There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
> >
> >         Love, Mom
> >
> >P.S.  I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
> >already sealed.
================================================
Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a
Catholic horse?" "Catholic, why" "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last
week who told them he was lame and they shot him"
**********************************************************************
Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire. Police
catch him and charge him with having an armalite.
**********************************************************************
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia
drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then
deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just
before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan,
asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the
airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard
"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the
ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the
airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you
are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are
entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied
the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
**********************************************************************
Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back
of their business card in case someone looses them.
**********************************************************************
First time ever on an aeroplane and he is noticed by the
stewardess who can see he is quite afraid of flying. "Is there
anything wrong sir" she asks "No missus" he replies "Just the first
time I ever flew, I'm from Ahoghill, near Ballymena and the first man
in the town ever to fly" So she leaves it at that and gets on with he
her duties. When the plane is due to land she goes back to the
passenger "Well sir were you comfy?" she asks. He looks round at her
and answers "I telt ye that afore, joost oot side Ballymena. (all the
fine pieces above are fromthe Collection of Mr. Adam Flinn)
**********************************************************************
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the
front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades.
Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his
bloody fingers off!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a
conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not
supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi
said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then
the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest
replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once
or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around
the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for
forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen
Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His
friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's
like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw
a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it
was neither of us."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first
chukka.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed
by an IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out
of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy
stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick,
isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an
amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was taller than that."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke
his ankle when he fell into the sink.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches
over both eyes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the
room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd
recognize her anywhere!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone
spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't
ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at
Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster.
One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried
Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the
trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel
of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy
himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and 
the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did 
indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't 
ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. 
"It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
================================================
[Teresa was too lazy to fix the misspellings.]

**********************************************************************
        Be sure to visit LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/)
**********************************************************************

*File Description: Hilary Meets God*


Co president's Hillary and Bill Clinton and Al Gore were in a car
accident an died (what a shame???).  They went to the gates of heaven
where they appeared before G-d.  G-d sat on his thrown, and told them
that they must each step forward, one at a time, and give their name
and what they accomplished in life to deserve to be permitted into 
heaven.

Al Gore approached G-d and said "My name is Al Gore, and I was the
Vice President of the United States of America."  G-d replied, "Well,
that is very impressive, come on in."

Then Bill Clinton approached G-d and said, "My name is Bill Clinton,
and I was the President of the United States of America."  G-d 
Replied, "That is even more impressive, come on in."

Then Hillary approached G-d and demanded, "My name is Hillary Rodham
Clinton, and what are you doing in MY chair???"
================================================
[from Amy - rated "R"]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life
so she  placed an ad, which read something like this: 

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH. 
	QUALIFICATIONS: 
	1) WON'T BEAT ME UP 
	2) WON'T RUN AWAY 
	3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED 

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was 
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: 
none seemed  to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find
a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.  

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" 

"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams.
I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run
away." 

"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in
bed?"

To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 
================================================
[HumourNet is picky about redistribution of jokes.  They want 
credit!  So if you forward this, include the stuff at the bottom on 
how to subscribe.]

Collage 255               H u m o u r N e t               25 APR 96

SUBJ: How The World Was Created

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In
those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals
didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the
bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the
universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory
refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter )
reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a
sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the
original prototype.

Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and
improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation.
And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but
only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical
shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by
performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most
Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented
pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk,
restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and
propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue
that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Unix into the
Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

[Editor's Note: I was a keystroke away from replacing "Unix" with
"Windows" in that last sentence -- but opted against it solely because
God would have been a lot smarter than that. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Important Theological Questions

SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED IF WE THINK OF GOD
AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step
through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find the ways
users can create disaster.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and
he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait
until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy
bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had
left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt
that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of
him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up
the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And
searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for
you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites
around the universe running exact duplicates of you in the present
release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but
then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto
it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get
off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just
pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you
down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a
common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form
of a question. Abort, Retry, Fail?

********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
********************************************************************

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================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

The Spell checker Poem

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
Its very polished in its weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pours o'er every word
Too cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline
And if we're lacks oar have a laps
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare
There are know faults with in my cite
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me
It does knot bring a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why eye break in tow averse
Buy righting want too please.
================================================
*File Description: TrekFume - Perfume For The Next Generation*


                             NEW - TREKFUME

    In their continuing effort to milk it for all it's worth, 
Paramount, in cooperation with Calvin Klein, will be unveiling the 
new "Next Generation" colognes and perfumes for the fall season.  
Most will be available in the bargain bins at K-Mart, Ames, and other 
fine cosmetic outlets. I felt it necessary to acquaint you with some 
of with some of ad campaigns... and a few that didn't make the 
production line:    

	"ENGAGE" (based on Jean-Luc Picard, magazine ad to appear in Vanity
Fair, Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, and Billiard Balls Anonymous)
The ad is in black and white, complexion-verite style and features
the good Captain (Patrick Stewart) in chains, representing the "Chain
of Command."  His uniform pants are pulled down just enough to reveal
his 24th century Calvin Klein underwear.  He is topless (in more ways
than one) and wearing a goofy grin, similar to that of Marky Mark.
The printed text reads: "Steadfast.  Strong.  French.  All that is
Jean-Luc.  All that can be you.  Make it so."

	"NUMBER ONE" (based on Commander Riker, television ad to run on
TNT, and local public-access channels) The spot features Jonathan
Frakes in flannel shirt and seated on a stool, though visible only
from the waist up.  Frakes, of course, is smirking. The printed text
reads: "Hello. I'm Jonathan Frakes.  You may wonder why Commander
Riker scores with all the hot alien babes every week on Star Trek:
The Next Generation.  Well, a lot of it has to do with my charm and
charisma, but mostly it's this stuff here. (Frakes reaches down to
hoist up the two-gallon jug version of the product upon his lap.)
"NUMBER ONE" by Calvin Klein. Yeah, I splash on this stuff everyday.
One whiff of this is enough to blow her pantyhose off!  So if you
want to be a big studly guy like me, pick up this.  It's better than
'Hi-Karate'." Scene cuts to black and white cloud-flecked sky shown
in sped-up form. Two-Gallon jug of "NUMBER ONE" fades in. Breathy
female voice intones: "NUMBER ONE by Calvin Klein.  Don't use it
sparingly."

	"SLUT" (based on Counselor Deanna Troi, magazine ad slated to appear
in Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and other revealing publications) The
color ad, displays the confident Counselor (Marine Sirtis) on her
bed, in very revealing, new Calvin Klein designer lingerie, wearing a
cocky grin.  Sirtis holds a small, mind-shaped bottle posed
provocatively between her breasts for the tight, insert shot.  (So
to speak.) The printed text reads: "Hellooooo.  I'm Marine Sirtis, but
you probably know me better as the token space bimbo.  Who cares?  I
get paid a fortune to drag guys into bed.  You don't think I could do
it with just my looks, do you?  When I'm wearing "SLUT" men just
don't care.  You too can be a "SLUT."

    Other products/campaigns have been abandoned:

 "NUMBER TWO" (based on...who the hell is #2??) wound up in the
toilet. Besides, it smelled REALLY BAD!
 "BLIND FAITH" (based on Geordi, LaVar Burton) offered limited
appeal with the slogan: "So blind people can smell you coming."
 "Q" (based on Q, John de Lancie) fizzled when the name
conflicted with another fragrance for gay men.
 "WARRIOR" (based on Worf, Michael Dorn) tended to make people
too aggressive.  Several testers ended up in the hospital with
unusual injuries.
 "BLACK HOLE" (based on Gynan, Whoopie Goldberg) raised objections
from various groups and organizations.
 "MOTHER" (based on Lwaxana Troi) seemed to offend most everyone.
 "ALLORE" (based on Lore) tended to bring out the evil in people.
 "ANDROID" (based on Data) invoked little emotion.

Original premise: Kevin Kearney; major expansion: JOKEMASTER
================================================
Collage 265               H u m o u r N e t               20 MAY 96

SUBJ: Where is God?

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted
all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one
last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a
lecture.

First, the younger boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few
moments, then challenged him: "Young man, where is God?"

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the
question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"

The boy began to quake with dread -- this was no ordinary lecture for
being bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now
shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door,
running headlong into his older brother.

"What's wrong? What's the matter?" asked the older boy.

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chauffeur Pope

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a
limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the
chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't
have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the
Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see
what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees
the red & blue lights of a CHiP in his mirror. He pulls over and the
trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says,
"Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to
handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief.

"No sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT???"

"No sir! Even *more* important!"

"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Doctors as Provisional Deities

A doctor wants to move up to the head of the queue to enter Heaven. He
approaches the Gate and presents his credentials to St. Peter. He
pleads his case: Since he has saved so many lives, healed the sick,
etc., he's entitled to enter without waiting "for an eternity."

St. Peter is sympathetic but firm. He explains to the doctor that
everyone has his or her turn to enter Heaven (or be turned away), and
past career choice isn't a criterion to move someone to the front.

The doctor sullenly returns to the end of the queue.

While waiting, the doctor sees a man wearing a white lab coat and a
stethoscope around his neck rush past the queue. The doctor speaks to
St. Peter, who allows the newcomer to enter Heaven at once.

The irate doctor leaves his place and hurries to confront St. Peter.
"What gives with *that* guy?" he demands to know. "I thought you told
me doctors can't cut into the front!"

"Oh, that wasn't a doctor, sir, that was God," St. Peter explains,
shrugging. "He just *thinks* he's a doctor."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Grim Pranks

Don't knock on Death's door. Just ring the bell and run. He hates
that.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: No Easy Task

There was a young couple, very much in love, who -- the night before
they were to be married -- were both tragically killed in an
automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of
heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St.
Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy in
heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our
wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I don't know, I've never heard of
anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to
talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment
for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian
angels into the august presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they
repeated their request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said,
"I'll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get
married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well, five years went by and the couple, still very much wanting to
get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you
must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they came before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten
years after their first request, and asked the Lord again. This time
the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. Congratulations! This
Saturday, at 2:00 pm, we will have wonderful ceremony in the main
chapel and the reception will be on me!"

The wedding was perfect. All the guests thought the bride was
beautiful, Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River delta, and
Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it,
the couple was married only a few weeks when they realized they had
made a terrible mistake -- they just couldn't stay married to one
another.

So, they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this
time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard
their request he glared at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years
to find a priest up here in heaven -- do you have any idea how long
it'll take to find a lawyer?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Divine Graffiti

Graffiti About God:

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia)

God is dead.
 -- Nietzche
                <... and then underneath ...>
Nietzche is dead.
 -- God
(Odeon Metro station, Paris)

God is not dead, he just moved to a better neighborhood.
(Unknown)

Does God have a navel?
(Florida State University)

God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter. (University of Michigan)

********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
********************************************************************

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to "listproc@csf.colorado.edu" (without quotes):

subscribe HumorNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

================================================
Collage 340              H u m o u r N e t              16 Mar 1997

SUBJ: Stupid E-Mail Tricks, Take One

As a list owner, I often get to see some pretty strange things.
This was one of the stranger ones; it is a "mail bounce," one of
many that I routinely get whenever I send out a Collage (the
addresses have been changed slightly to protect the guilty):

--- begin forwarded text

Date: Sun, 20 Oct 96 08:27:18 CDT
From: skymail@skytel.com (Mail Delivery Subsystem)
Subject: Returned mail: Service unavailable
To: <owner-humornet@csf.colorado.edu>

----- Transcript of session follows -----

554 <1371575@skymail.com>... Message is too large; 5000 bytes max 554
<1371575@skymail.com>... Service unavailable

--- end forwarded text

Translation: Someone tried to subscribe his text-capable *pager*
to HumourNet. (Note the 5000-character limit on pager messages; I blow
that on the average opener.) While I can certainly understand not
wanting to be without HumourNet for even a minute, I really don't
recommend having it sent to one's pager.

[Editor's Note: Note the date on that bounce, BTW -- even the
MODERATOR'S submissions have to wait in the queue until their turns
come around. ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Stupid E-Mail Tricks, Take Two

Here, we have a classic vacation mail message -- except that this
person works for CE Software (makers of Quickmail). He set Quickmail
to send a vacation message, and it sent one to the Quickmail list --
and he is away at an e-mail convention (presumably promoting how to
better use e-mail).

--- begin forwarded text

Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 17:11:14 -0500
From: [name deleted] <address_deleted@CESOFT.COM>
Subject: [1]Re- MAT Error

[1]Re: MAT Error 10/11/96
I'll be out of the office October 14th through October 21st attending
E-mail World and Internet Expo. If you need immediate assistance,
please contact [name deleted] at 515-555-0000 or via E-mail at
address_deleted@cesoft.com.

Thanks,
[name deleted]

--- end forwarded text

[Editor's Note: For those of you who do not immediately see the
problem here: This person was subscribed to the mailing list
mentioned above, and the message shown here would be sent to the
list in response to EVERY list posting -- INCLUDING the "vacation"
messages! Thus, if there was no listmom to unsubscribe him from the
list, it would quickly lead to a mail loop, and eventual shutdown of
the mailing list. And this person presumably works for a company that
develops e-mail software. *sigh* </vs>]

[Editor's Note II: Speaking of "vacation mail" messages: Many of you
are fond of them, but you should be aware that they should be set to
NOT reply to any message that has a "Precedence: Bulk" tag in the
header! These tags denote mailing list messages. If you do not set up
your vacation mailer correctly, you might very well return from
vacation to find a LOT of angry people on the various mailing lists to
which you subscribe. Though vacation messages cannot start mail loops
here at HumourNet, your account WILL be postponed just for being
brainless enough to set a vacation mail message that replies to
everything that comes in the door. If you don't know how to set it up
correctly, DON'T DO IT. This has been a public [Internet] service
announcement. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Call Us If You Don't Receive This," Take One

This is from a recent mailing of the Homebrew Digest (distributed by
AOB, the American Organization of Brewers) after a long hiatus caused
by computer problems.

    I know that there has been some confusion over who is
    subscribed to the list and who has unsubscribed, et cetera,
    and we apologize for that. At this point we have put
    together what we believe is the most up-to-date list
    available. If you have unsubscribed in the past and are
    still on the list, please unsubscribe again (see above for
    how to do this). If you were on the list and somehow have
    been dropped, we also apologize. Please resubscribe, and you
    will see that the problems have been resolved.

I thought it was interesting how either 1) history repeats itself
(your list had its share of computer problems, and introduced the
paradox of "If you don't receive this...") or 2) HumourNet is on the
cutting edge, breaking ground so that other lists may fearfully tread.

[Editor's Note: Don is referring to Collage 262, in which the
concept of "Call if you don't receive this e-mail" was first
introduced. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Call Us If You Don't Receive This," Take Two

This is a true story that occurred in my office today. The mainframe
computer in our office had to be serviced, so we were told not to log
into the computer until we were informed otherwise.

That was just before lunch.

At around 2 p.m., the guy who maintains the system went around and
noticed that no one was working, and asked one of my co-workers why no
one had logged on yet. She told him that we were all waiting for a
verbal OK to log on.

He replied, "But I sent everyone an e-mail saying it was okay to log
on!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Call Us If You Don't Receive This," Take Three

I think my ISP is populated with newbies. They changed their mail
server setup, and then sent e-mail to everyone telling them that they
needed to add "mail." to their POP and SMTP addresses [so they could
access their mail]. But nobody could get the mail telling them to
change. The help desk was pretty busy and it took me 2-1/2 days to
find out what happened.

[Editor's Note: I'm sure they put "Call us if you don't receive this
message" at the bottom of the note; in this case, it worked. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Call Us If You're No Longer Here

>From an internal memo sent by the mail room at the company where I am
a contractor:

"... notify the Mail Center via email if you have moved, changed your
name, or ceased working here."

[Editor's Note: Too bad they missed the obvious one: "... or died."
</vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to "listproc@csf.colorado.edu" (without quotes):

subscribe HumorNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country
================================================
Collage 340              H u m o u r N e t              16 Mar 1997

SUBJ: Smarter Than a Rhesus Monkey?

These story is about a woman who used to work with a friend of mine;
I'll call her Cathy.

One day Cathy came to work all excited because she had tickets to see
Billy Joel. The only problem was that her seats were far from the
stage and she was worried she wouldn't be able to see anything. To
solve this problem, a colleague kindly offered to lend her his
binoculars. The day after the concert, Cathy came to work and returned
the binoculars saying she thought there was something wrong with them
because, "they made everything look smaller."

A side note: When he told this latter story to a friend of ours, the
friend's response was, "I'm sorry, but that's just not credible. Even
a Rhesus monkey would have turned the binoculars around eventually."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Math Geniuses

Ten years ago, I overheard a conversation among a group of
executives' secretaries at a major corporation. They were trying to
figure out what 40% of a certain value was. The value was 100.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Olympic Stupidity

The story about the woman in the bar (Collage 301) reminded me of a
story that was reported here in Germany....

A German paper (the "Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung" -- serious
stuff, rather like the Washington Post) reported that when, during the
opening ceremony of the recent Olympics, the team from Georgia (the
former Soviet Union state) entered the stadium, there was a *LOT* of
cheering and applause.

Apparently many thought the US state of Georgia had a team of its own.

[Editor's Note: And most of those people were probably from Georgia,
too. </vs>]

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to "listproc@csf.colorado.edu" (without quotes):

subscribe HumorNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country
================================================
The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original
authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College &
Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI.

A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the
proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <>, though some
readers held out resolutely for "norkies."

The text of the poem follows:

        <>!*''#
        ^"`$$-
        !*=@$_
        %*<>~#4
        &[]../
        |{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

        Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
        Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
        Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
        Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
        Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
        Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.
================================================
[from somebody in South Africa]

Our President Nelson Mandela was walking along Bloubostrand (that's a
beach) one day deep in thought, idly kicking the sand when he kicked
up a bottle.  Of course he opened the bottle and Wham! out came a
genie.

"I'm sorry, Madiba," the Genie said, "But my magic is a bit weak after
all that time in the bottle.  I can only do you one wish."

Madiba (that is Nelson's nickname) thought for some time.  "I think it
would be a wonderful thing if the North and the South of Africa could
be joined together by one mighty highway that ran from Cape Town to
Cairo," he eventually decided.

"Gee Madiba.  Well I'm sorry see.  But all these years in the bottle
have really weakened me.  Can you try for something else."

Madiba thinks deeply again.  "I wish for an efficient civil service
[that's Public Service for you Merry Cans] that is free from
corruption."

"Um.  How many lanes did you want that highway?"
================================================
A father comes home and asks where his son is.  His wife replies that
he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.  The father is
curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing.  As
he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound.  When he gets to
the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.  He says to
his son, "What are you doing?  I thought you were playing with your
chemistry set.  Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"  His son
replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm.  I put these chemicals
on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what
son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon."  His
son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car.  Parked
in the garage was a brand new Mercedes.  Just then his dad walked in.
He asked his father where his Volkswagon was.  His dad replied, "It's
right there behind the Mercedes.  By the way, the Mercedes is from
your mother."
================================================
Collage 342              H u m o u r N e t              24 Mar 1997

SUBJ: Pizza Anyone?

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours
of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had
worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick
dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by
the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital ...

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

PM: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

PM: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

PM: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to
the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PM: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

PM: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We
have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. ::click::

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Speed Trap

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a
bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming
traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by.
He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially
on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.

The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling
down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so
the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars
that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of
the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at
him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was
so well concealed.

Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he
was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went to
investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short
distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found
the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road
with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little
more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Patrolmen's Ball

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over
for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When
he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's
Ball."

He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized
what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle
and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Watch Where You Point That Thing
Excerpted from Pilot Magazine

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly
locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier
hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a
complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed
out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's
target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an
automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the
Harrier was operating unarmed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Real-Time Plea Bargaining

A friend of a friend, who is a science geek, used to make frequent
trips between Dallas and Houston. Being a true Texan, he had a foot
made of lead.

Not being fond of speeding tickets, though, he devised a solution. He
carefully cut thin aluminum strips, packed them in two cardboard
tubes, put a small charge in the end of each, and mounted them under
the front bumper of his car. He mounted a button on his steering
column to detonate the charges.

One day, he was driving along, and his radar detector went off just as
he passed a cop. He popped the button, blowing the tubes, and hit his
brakes. The blast blew the foil out, and the wind quickly distributed
it in a "cloud" around the car.

Now, aluminum foil is very light compared to its surface area, so it
very quickly decelerated. Thus, the cop couldn't get a lock on the
car.

About a half mile later, the cop pulled up behind him, so he pulled
over. He rolled down his window, and the cop came blustering over,
saying, "I don't know what in the heck you did back there, and I can't
write you a speeding ticket. But by D*MNED I'm gonna write you a
ticket for LITTERING!!"

He had left a trail of aluminum foil stretched over several hundred
feet, lining both the median and the emergency lane with foil.

He framed the littering ticket.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Law Enforcement Officer's Dictionary

Police work, like any profession, has its own jargon and set of
terms and there is sometimes a problem in translating these words from
what they appear to be saying to what they really mean. In police
recruit training, the novice is taught literally hundreds of these
words and catch phrases which are used in all reports. By using this
guide, you will be able to decipher the TRUE meaning of some of the
most commonly used terms and phrases ...

While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner...
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN -- DON'T FEED THE PIGS."

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this
officer from doing traffic control.
It was raining.

This officer went "out of service" to obtain intelligence information
from a street informant. It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirtbag let go with an 'Oink' as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable
information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, the subject resisted, being injured in the act.
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote him one citation for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose I heard a voice from inside the
house say 'Come in' so I entered through the door. The rock music was
so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the
door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy
within departmental policies... I sent them to a non-existent address
which I called the 'Command Post.'

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and was free
after my shift was over.

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions
beyond my control. Tonight is my bowling night...

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the
judge at his arraignment... I told him he didn't have the [guts] to
call the judge the same name he called me.

********************************************************************
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================================================
>Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient!
>
>1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
>you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
>friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
>sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing
>an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty,
>and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the
>entire Earth. You decide to:
>
>a. Present it to the president of the United States.
>b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
>c. Take it apart.
>
>2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
>miss the most?
>
>a. Innocence.
>b. Idealism.
>c. Cherry bombs.
>
>3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
>
>a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
>for
>   narrow-minded social conventions.
>b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
>c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
>really
>   sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
>   have to have him killed.
>
>4. What about hugging another male?
>
>a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
>b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
>case, you
>   should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in
>   this male's trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
>c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
>home run to
>   win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
>
>   (1) He is legally within the basepath,
>   (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
>   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
>   cause
>	fractures.
>
>5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
>
>a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
>b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
>c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
>cancer.
>
>6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
>
>a. A cat.
>b. A dog.
>c. A dog that eats cats.
>
>7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
>and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
>Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching
>a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out
>of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves
>you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where
>your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you
>want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind
>of future together. What do you say?
>
>a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
>you don't
>   want to rush it.
>b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
>honestly
>   say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
>   commitment, and
>you    don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
>c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
>   seventeen.
>
>8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
>to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
>sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
>opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
>tell her?
>
>a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
>b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
>and when
>   she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
>   stars in her eyes, you tell her.
>c. Tell her what?
>
>9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
>get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
>is:
>
>a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
>b. "They're in school already?"
>c. "There are three of them?"
>
>10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
>
>a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
>holes so
>   large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
>   your
>  legs.
>b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
>has to
>   be handled with tweezers.
>c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
>checks the
>   garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
>   but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
>   underwear, which
she       
> is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate
>   relationship with it than with her.
>
>11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
>fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
>before they finally got to the Promised Land?
>
>a. He was being tested.
>b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
>finally
>   got there.
>c. He refused to ask directions.
>
>12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
>
>a. Democracy.
>b. Religion.
>c. Remote control.
>
>How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
>answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact,
>a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
>five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has
>Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
================================================
[from Michael Dunnington]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the
father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both
very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that
even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted
the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At
this, they decided to try for 50 percent.  The husband continued to
feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. 
================================================
[Michelle Davis sent this to Amy, who sent it to ME]


This is in response to an earlier posting about obscene clone falls.
==============================

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was slightly gray
It didn't have a father
Just some borrowed DNA

It sort of had a mother
Though the ovum was on loan
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone

And soon it had a fellow clone
And soon it had some more
They followed her to school one day
All cramming through the door

It made the children laugh and sing
The teachers found it droll
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control

No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn't vary 
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary

But now they feel quite sheepish
Those scientists unwary
One problem solved,
but what to do With Mary, Mary, Mary...
================================================
[from GrayJackL and BEADLE on REHU-L, and Free Catholic List]


Free Catholic List's post:

Pope Goes Online, Aided by Angelic Computers

	VATICAN CITY (Reuter) - The Vatican unveiled its new 
Internet web site Monday, powered by three host computers named after 
angels that will guide the Holy See as it navigates the information 
superhighway. *snip* 
	Three computers -- Raphael, Michael and  Gabriel -- will power the
system. "What we've done is name them after angels," said Sister
Judith Zoebelein, a 48-year-old American nun who has been
coordinating the project to put the Vatican on line. 
	"A little extra protection always helps," she told a news
conference unveiling the site. Raphael will store graphics and
navigation paths. Michael will protect the site "from any outside
intruder or anything that might want to come in to destory it" and
Gabriel will interface between the other two computers and the
outside world. 

GrayJackL's response:
 O.K.  How long will it take some computer geek to develop "lucifer",
 a computer capable of hacking in to Raphael?  I'd bet anything that
 we'll see a headline like that someday.

 I'm sure Lucifer is working on it now!

BEADLE's reply to GrayJackL:
Then after that someone creates a god virus that stops most of the
damage done by lucifer and gives the computer circutry a chance to
cleanse it's soul.  It also(due to some unauthorised hacking) someone
will make it call itself zeus(untill the problem is fixed) and throw
lightning bolts somehow generated from the power supply with deadly
accuracy at anyone who tries to make it do something when it doesn't
want to

================================================
[from GregORY on REHU-L]

Maureen is on the Lutheran list with me.  We have had several days of
discussion about the doctrine of Real Presence.  Maureen wrote to me
and suggested that the doctrine of Real Absence also deserves some
serious consideration.  She thought this list the appropriate forum.

Since I have seen no inaugural post from Maureen, I shall blatantly
steal her powerful insight and offer a brief defense of the doctrine
of Real Absence.

--------------Here Beginneth the Learned Theological
Discourse---------

The doctrine of Real Presence (best articulated, as we all know, in
the Lutheran confessions) implies--indeed demands--a reciprocal
doctrine of Real Absence.  If there is no Real Absence, there can be
no Real Presence (except in some sort of neo-pagan, New Age, "God is
in every sneeze, and piece of debris, and fecal sample at
Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke-Hospital" meaning of the term.  This
insight is, of course, Melvillian.  Was it not Ishmael, after bundling
up in the covers and letting his nose stick out so one part of his
body would *really* appreciate how warm the rest of him was, who said,
"Nothing is what it is except by reference to its opposite."

Wait a moment.  This is a phenomenological insight of major
proportions. I must collect my thoughts before I continue.

All right.

That's better.

We can begin, of course, by defining Real Absence as those places
where Real Presence is not.  Real Presence is *not* in most
Presbyterian, all Baptist, and even some Druid Eucharists (I shan't
discuss the Methodists because they are into discipline and other
kinky stuff, and this is a family list).  Therefore, we must conclude
that a true, valid and substative Real Absence is found in these
communions.  

[SIDE NOTE: The Anglicans and Roman Catholics are problematic.  The
Anglicans put on a good show, and recite the right words in rote
order, but they have only the wishy-washy mists of the 39 Articles
rather than the solid truths of the Book of Concord to guide them. 
(BTW, I want to make it clear that the Book of Concord is *not* a
defense of using grape juice in the sacrament.)  The Romans have a
doctrine of Real Presence of course, but weren't satisfied to let well
enough alone.  The more reactionary still insist that somewhere among
those wafers is a knee cap.  The Anglican doctrine we shall designate
as Vague Presence, with the reciprocal doctrine of Vague Absence.  The
Roman doctrine we will designate as Carnal Presence--hence, of course,
Carnal Absence, which also can be applied to celibacy and monastic
vows.]

But I digress--There are other forms of Real Absence.  Where only one
is gathered, Christ is *not* there.  That seems a pretty
straightforward extrapolation from scripture.  The one exception to
this rule of Absence is if the person has just communed, and then
rushes to isolation.  This, then, is a *sacramental* Real Presence,
but a *communal* Real Absence.

Real Absence happens big time on Good Friday.  I wish to defend the
doctrine of Real Absence against anabpatists, rationalists, pietists,
memorialists, Zwinglians, 32nd Degree Masons, and Michael Jackson who
argue that the lack of Eucharist in the Good Friday portion of the
Triduum is only a *symbolic* absence.  To them I say, dead is dead,
and for such as them there can be no more joy in the Resurrection than
there can be in their modernist, heathenish, rationalist, and
Limbaughesque Symbolic Presence.

I have laid the matter before my peers on this list.  I will now await
the affirmation of the righteous and the derision of the heterodox.

================================================
[shared by GregORY on REHU-L]

HOW I MET MY WIFE
by Jack Winter
New Yorker 25 July 1994

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her
standing alone in a corner.  She was a descript person, a woman in a
state of total array.  Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and
she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to makes bones
about it since I was traveling cognito.  Beknownst to me, the hostess,
whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would
be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.  And even though I had
only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable.  Only
toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable.  There were two ways about it, but the chances
that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona
grata or a sung hero were slim.  I was, after all, something to sneeze
at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually
aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it.  But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I
could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed.  It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and
it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.
Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt
capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and
forgot that that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told
number of times.  So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated
gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous.  Wanting to make only called
for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to
abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few
myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good.  She told me who she was.  "What a
perfect nomer," I said, advertently.  The conversation became more and
more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail.  But I was
defatigable, so I had to take my leave at a godly hour.  I asked if
she wanted to come with me.  To my delight, she was committal.  We
left the party together and have been together ever since.  I have
given her my love, and she has requited it.
================================================
Psalm 23

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,
All of His commands are user friendly,
His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of file,
I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;
Your password protects me;
You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;
Your help is only a key away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And
my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
================================================
[from Moatman on REHU-L]

Some things are absolutely essential for gracious dining. These
include:

* Heavy, monogrammed Irish linen.
* Sterling silver flatware.
* Lead crystal stemware.
* Wedgewood, Spode or better china with your family crest.
* Lead crystal vases containing freshly cut flowers from your own
garden or greenhouse.
* Hand-made candles in the family colors, imported from Finland. 
* Finger bowls containing imported mineral water and a single rose 
petal. 
* A fine selection of vintage wines and aperitifs. 
* A highly competent yet unobtrusive kitchen and serving staff. 
* A small string orchestra (or, if you are on a limited budget) a 
string quartet to provide soothing music.

These are bare essentials for any meal, from a formal banquet to an
informal breakfast or a picnic or backyard barbecue. We trust that no
REHUvian would dream of doing without any of these items. No civilized
person would even consider doing without these simple but basic
amenities.

You will note that I have omitted one item necessary for gracious
dining. I refer, of course, to the Lazy Susan for holding catsup,
steak sauce, toothpicks, dental floss, little packets of artificial
sweeteners, little plastic baggies of soy sauce, individual bags of
potato chips, and other items necessary for the sophisticated gourmet
experience.

Now the Lardmont Moat & Drawbridge Service ("Yesterday's Answers to
the Problems of Tomorrow") has introduced an improvement for the basic
Lazy Susan. It is SuperSue, the electrically powered Lazy Susan.
SuperSue is hand-fabricated by old world artisans from the finest
imitation Formica, and is powered by a variable-speed electric motor.
This motor can accelerate a fully-loaded SuperSue from 1/16th of a
revolution per minute to 6,000 rpm in less than 6 seconds! Imagine
having all this power at your finger-tips.

[Naomi's response to the above]

For those of you on a K-Mart/Walmart budget, do not despair, you also
can have Civilized Dining. Here are my suggestions, but I will defer
to Moatman for more suitable substitutions.

Naomi
<< 
 * Heavy, monogrammed Irish linen.
 # Heavy Chinette napkins (let the kids monogram them)
 * Sterling silver flatware.
 # Clear plasticware by Chinette.
 * Lead crystal stemware.
 # Clear plasticware by Chinette.
 * Wedgewood, Spode or better china with your family crest.
 # Chinette plates come in dazziling white as well as other lovely
   colors.  (have the children draw the family crest on them, good 
way to keep them occupied while you're zapping dinner).
 * Lead crystal vases containing freshly cut flowers from your own
 garden or greenhouse.
 # You can use the 20oz coke bottles or longneck beer bottles will
   work quite well, raid Grandma's garden for fresh cut flowers.
 * Hand-made candles in the family colors, imported from Finland.
 # same as above, except imported from Taiwan.
 * Finger bowls containing imported mineral water and a single rose
 petal.
 # finger bowls(use empty margerine tubs) containing imported water
   from Arkansas, use the rose petals from Grandma's garden.
 * A fine selection of vintage wines and aperitifs.
 # just raid Grandma's still, she always has a fine selection.
 * A highly competent yet unobtrusive kitchen and serving staff.
 # buffet
 * A small string orchestra (or, if you are on a limited budget) a
 string quartet to provide soothing music.
 # your teen's boombox.

================================================
[from various people on REHU-L]

EPISCOPALIANS DO IT WITH CLASS

PRESYTERIANS DO IT WITH GOOD AND PERFECT ORDER

LUTHERANS DO IT WITH GRACE

CATHOLICS DO IT WITH GUILT

UNITARIANS TALK ABOUT IT

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS THINK ABOUT IT

Pentecostals, of course, do it on the floor.  
Baptists, on the other hand, do it in the water.  
Anglicans do it by the book.  
Zen Buddhists don't do it at all; they are it.

MY BOSS IS A JEWISH CARPENTER

	"Pentecostals do it with tounges"

	Would Lutherans do it best with a diet of worms?

	With Presbetyrians, there is always the danger of getting knoxed
up.... rats, I just know that there's a clever pun for a punch-line,
but I'll be damned if I can think of it.....

As an overweight Lutheran, I am going to have to think about the diet
of worms.

Calvinists do it with innate depravity.

>>...  with the Anglicans, don't we have to ask 
>>how many ribbon markers they use?  :)
>
>Some use many. Others use their fingers. 


Anglicans also do it high and low and adopt a variety of positions.
They employ 39 articles.

Christian Scientists not only think about it; they think they're
doing it.

Salvationists do it in the street, to music.

Missionaries do it in the field.

Methodists do it soberly.

Quakers do it quietly.

Televangelists do it publicly for money.

Gideons do it in motels.

Yogis do it bearly  (sorry  about that one!)

Jehovahs Witnesses do it with one foot in the door.

Mormons do it with suits on.

Evangelicals try to get everyone else to do it.

Adventists do it on Saturdays.

Church historians do it vicariously.
================================================
[from BEADLE, on REHU-L (listers being called Rehuvians)]


Mark 14 v 22 rehuvian:
While they were eating, Jesus took a piece of lutefisk, said a
prayer(in the hopes that it would become more edible), streched it,
and put it in the rubbishbin.  "take it," he said, "this is my body(it
endures more than a rubber tyre and no matter what you do with it it
will come back from the grave)" 
Mark 14 v 23 rehuvian: Then he took some okhra(however you spell 
it)(they didn't have alcahol because Judas was underage but they did 
have some okhra with their jello), gave thanks to God(that he 
wouldn't have to eat it) and handed it to them and they just looked 
at it.  
24 Jesus said, this is my okhra which is served up for many(one piece 
will do, everyone just passes it on), my vegetable which seals god's 
covenant.  
25 I tell you, I will never again eat okhra until the day hell 
freezes over(and hopefully not then). 
26 Then they dumped it in the bin and brought a pizza with extra 
olives.

================================================
[from Michelle Davis, via Amy]

      Chief Executive Officer
      Mattel, Inc.
      El Segundo, California

      Dear Sir:

      Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
      playing at being the "perfect" Christmas present, wearing skimpy
      bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from
      one too may tea parties, and I hate to break it to you, but IT'S
      DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some changes
      around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
      meltdown (and trust me, you won't want to smell it).

      So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
      1. A nice, comfy pair of sweatpants and a frumpy, oversized
      sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much
      smaller are these bathing suits going to get?  Do you have any
      idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up
      YOUR butt?

      2. REAL UNDERWEAR...that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably
      white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
      imitation underwear to my skin?  It looks like cellulite!

      3. A REAL MAN...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo
      over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's
      with that earring anyway?  If I'm going to have to suffer with
      him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

      4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
      Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

      5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
      twist, just get it done.

      6. A sports bra....to wear until I get the surgery.

      7. A new career...Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
      it.  How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising
      account exec!

      8. A new, more 90's persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
      a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
      and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own
      paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or
      "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
      equipped with several packs of gum.

      9. NO MORE McDONALD'S ENDORSEMENTS...The grease is wrecking my
      vinyl.

      10.Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years....I think I
      deserve it.


      OK, Mr. CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
      society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you
      disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
      Christmas.  It's that simple.

      Yours truly,

      Barbie
      Dreamhouse
      Malibu, California
================================================
[from Moatman on REHU-L]

Clergymen and academics tend to be hard-workers who, of necessity,
lead structured lives. Therefore, our proposed workshop on spontaneity
should be of great interest to them. Information follows:

Proposed Agenda for Workshop on
SPONTANEITY -- Its Role in a Structured Society
Co-sponsored by the American Mental Health Association and the Sevier
County Chapter of the American Society of Time and Motion Study
Engineers

9:00 - 9:45   Facilitation of SPONTANEITY

10:00 - 11:00  SPONTANEITY -- Its Appropriate Time and Place

11:10 - 12:10  SPONTANEITY -- Its Role in an Efficiently and Organized
Life

12:10 - 1:05  LUNCH

1:15 - 2:00  Structuring an Optimum Spontaneous Component into a
Properly Efficient Life.

2:15 - 3:00  Time/Efficiency Parameters in Various Spontaneous Fun
Modalities with Emphasis on Multi-Disciplinary Modalities.

3:15 - 4:10   STRUCTURED SPONTANEITY - Demonstration Workshop


POSITIVE NON-DYSFUNCTIONAL TIME/EFFICIENCY PARAMETERS IN FUN AND
RELAXATION

It has been clearly established that fun and relaxation have a
positive effect on subsequent work performance and that, paradoxical
and distasteful and the concept might at first appear, fun and
relaxation can exert a positive influence toward the achievement of an
Efficient, and therefore Happy Life. Obviously, however, it would be
unwise to implement a schedule of fun and relaxation without general
guidelines concerning comparative efficiency and time requirements of
the various modalities. To date no significant investigative work has
been carried out on the Time/Efficiency value of fun and consequent
relaxation - i.e., what is the optimum amount of fun and consequent
relaxation when evaluated in terms of work-time lost vs. the resultant
increase in work-efficiency and - of more importance - total work
production. Nor has any work been done in the area of evaluation of
the various fun and relaxation modalities in terms of efficiency -
i.e., how to achieve fun and relaxation of maximum efficiency with the
minimum possible expenditure of time.

The subject of next month's workshop: "The Other Side of Bigotry"

Allan Hjer3pe
Sevierville Sciolist & Chairman
Lardmont Moat & Drawbridge Service
"Yesterday's Answers to the Problems of Tomorrow"
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