[forwarded by Brian]

IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame
Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known
to  be dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert --
long time  friend, roommate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird
is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near
Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the
building.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead
at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with the New
York City  Police. Kermit-the-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the
scene, reports that  as police stormed the five story tenament
building where the bird was  holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out
an upper story window at them in  a kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT
units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead
are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no
information available concerning Maria.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big
Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a
killing spree  on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the
ordeal, has survived  unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the
bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly,  pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar
the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the
famous gay paper clip collector and  pigeon friend). Authorities in
the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local
Hooper's.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay
away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the
muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and
at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to
bystanders on  the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalufagus pleaded with
police to be allowed  to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed
the building with deadly  results. Ernie is said to be despondent at
the loss of his good buddy Bert.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five
o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a
sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets
became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the
streets  and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case,
ten muppets  pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large,
styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At
this hour, quiet is restored  --  but tensions are very high.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame
Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere.
Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in
height are looting  Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire
neighborhood. Orange and blue  firelight is rising over many
buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and  storehouses full of
numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets  are taunting
firemen and police from windows high above the street with  counting
and alphabet songs.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame
Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On
the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the
night of wild  outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been
shot to death by  Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a
muppet--still animated with  life--can be seen staring at the
wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the  rubble. The Count was
reported running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, ten
lifeless muppet bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting,
although several people reported rug-burns.

	NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered
muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at
a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of
his address:
	"I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders.  Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on
Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to
for advice. It was Bert  who told us all, 'anyone who can hang as
many paperclips together as Bill  Clinton, can certainly run the
country.'"

	"I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
creature.  His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met
him, but it was  his innocent and curious nature which taught us all
to love him. Bird  wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to
memorialize him, with  violence. All he ever wanted was for all
creatures to 'just get along' with  each other. Big Bird has come to
a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad
seed."

      brought to you by the letter A and the number 7.

================================================
REHU-L is running a thread about idiots that keep asking to be
unsubscribed.  This was prompted by one person who has asked time and
again, AFTER plenty of people sent instructions off-list.  Here are
the funniest posts - you can easily alter these to fit other list 
servs!


> hi there!
> i have been trying to unsubscribe to this list but some how i keep
getting
> these messages could you help me to unsubscribe. thanks.
-------------------------------------------
From
Susan P., Dr. Rehu
Private Personal Secretary to the Queen Bish
The Mosesest

Okay, now all together...to the tune of" Jesus Walked This Lonesome
Valley"

If you want to exit Rehu
You have to do it by yourself....
Oh, nobody else can do it for you;
You have to do it by yourself.

We didn't make you join our mail list
You had to do it by yourself...
Now buck up and read FAQ
You have to do it by yourself.


Next verse?

--------------------------------------
From
Barbara, Dr.Rehu, Official Thurifer, and Goddess du Jour

We really hate to exorcise you;
Pressing albs is such a drag.
Throwing rubber chickens at you?
Tacky! How our spirits sag.  (ok, so I lied a little)

Be a mensch and read the FAQ--you
owe it to your self-esteem.
Don't let surly Rehus sack you:
Strut your stuff on your own steam!

Some among you grow to like us.
"Unsubscribe. Who, me? I'm home!"
Even though you finally get it,
You're hooked on us--we sing Shalom!

--------------------------------------
From
Grady, Grand Inquisitor of Rehu and Duke of Grits

You don't necessarily have to do it by yourself.  You can fill out the
following form and return it to the appropriate authority--the Holy
Farter who will send it to us Grand Inquisitors.  We, in turn, send it
to the Queen Bishop, who will pass judgement on whether one is worthy
of being unsubscribed, and issue a decree to those who hold the Keys
of the Kingdom. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------
------
   REQUEST FOR UNSUBSCRIPTION AND VOLUNTARY EXCOMMUNICATION FROM
   REHU-L


NAME:

E-ADDRESS:

I REQUEST UNSUBSCRIPTION AND VOLUNTARY EXCOMMUNICATION FOR THE
FOLLOWING REASON(S) [PLEASE CHECK ALL APPLICABLE REASONS]:

RELIGIOUS       MORAL      FRIVOLOUS     ACADEMIC     POLITICAL

PRAGMATIC    MEDICAL      OTHER (specify)_________________________


GIVE US A DETAILED AND CONVINCING ELABORATION ON THE GENERIC REASON
FOR THIS REQUEST (no longer than 50K):

[PLEASE NOTE:  WE DEDUCT POINTS FOR GROVELING OR GRATUITOUS RUDENESS]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
------

The completed form is returned to me.  I make a recommendation to the
Grand Inquisitors, the Grand Inquisitors make a recommendation to the
Queen Bishop who may grant the unsubscription outright, or, in cases
where she feels that an anathematization is also appropriate, she may
submit it to the list for a vote.  Conversely, the Queen Bishop may
refuse the unsubscription.  She may also refuse the unsubscription,
but recommend anathematization.  Casting into outer darkness requires
a majority of 50.1% of all members who elect to exercise their
franchise.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
[from Randy Walker, via HAND!]

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

  Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

  Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

  Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

  Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

  Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff  before?

  Rats, there go the lights again...

  Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got
  two of 'em.

  Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

  Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
  concentration off!

  What's this doing here?

  That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

  I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

  Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

  Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

  Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

  OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak
  of nature.

  Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

  Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

  She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

  Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

  FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

================================================
[Michael Harnois posted this on REHU-L]

		  THE TOP FIFTEEN RIDICULOUSLY LONG
			    BIBLICAL NAMES

Okay, you free-love atheist swine. It's time to put down your filthy
bitmapped bimbos and your smutty newsgroups and sit up straight.
Pastor Stephan is going to save your miserable asses from eternal
damnation. You can buy me large plots of land later.

For todays lesson we will be covering a topic of historic and
lexicographic interest. As you know, in ancient and Biblical times
the inhabitants of the Middle East had a lot of time on their hands.
(Hence the Sons of Abraham-- three faiths [Judaism, Christianity,
Islam] sharing theology, prophets, sacred sites, and even sacred
texts-- and yet each works for the destruction and expulsion of the
other two!) A side effect of this was tolerance for extremely long
proper names.

Amazingly enough, many of these names have entered the English
language. And so, in the interest of spiritual enlightenment and
building power vocabularies, allow me to present...

	   THE TOP FIFTEEN RIDICULOUSLY LONG BIBLICAL NAMES

15) Abelbethmaachah: Kings 1 15:20, Kings 2 15:29. A city in
    Israel.

    MODERN USAGE: Euphemism to describe two people you don't know
    making love.

    EXAMPLE: "Yeah, that Earth First! rally was disgusting. Never
    seen so much sleeping-bag abelbethmaachah in my life."

14) Almondiblathaim: Numbers 33:46-47. Another Israeli settlement.

    MODERN USAGE: Insult. The literal translation out of the Hebrew
    is "Place of men who blather about almonds all the time"; thus,
    almondiblathaim is used to mean people who go on and on about
    something you could give a hoot about.

    EXAMPLE: "Oh, great, the programmers are coming over. Don't ask
    them how work is going; instant almondiblathaim."

13) Apharsathchites: Ezra 4:9. Inhabitants of yet another city.

    MODERN USE: Geological techspeak.

    EXAMPLE: "No, you knucklehead. Apharsathchites have don't mica
    inclusions, now, do they? Which means this is? Think... come
    on... Christ! It's GRANITE, you pinhead!"

12) Berodachbaladan: Kings 2 20:12. King of Babylon.

    MODERN USAGE: Medical assistant techspeak. Used to describe the
    sound a full bedpan makes when dropped.

11) Helkathhazzurim: Samuel 2 2:16. Battlefield in Gibeon.

    MODERN USAGE: Onomatopoetic description of accidental death
    resulting from a stream of urine striking an electrified third
    rail.

10) Merodachbaladan: Isaiah 39:1. Another spelling of
Berodachbaladan, King of Babylon.

    MODERN USAGE: Medical assistant techspeak: Used to describe the
    sound a full bedpan makes when dropped on a doctor's foot.

9) Ramathaimzophim: Samuel 1 1:1. Samuel's home town on Mount
Ephraim.

   MODERN USAGE: Stew produced by a collective.

   EXAMPLE: "Hey, I bet some crab meat would go really well in this!"
   "Go ahead, Al! It's a ramathaimzophim!"

8) Tilgathpilneser: Chronicles 1 5:6, 5:20; Chronicles 2 28:20. King
   of Assyria.

   MODERN USE: A specific type of potent Czechoslovakian pilsner
   prepared with ox tails.

7) Zaphnathpaaneah: Genesis 41:45. Joseph's Egyptian name.

   MODERN USAGE: The practice of freebasing mothballs. 

6) Bashanhavothjair: Deuteronomy 3:14. The name Jair son of Manasseh
   gave to the country of Argob.

   MODERN USAGE: The practice of achieving hegemony over a patch of
   land the size of an olive pit, naming it after yourself with a
   five syllable jawbreaker, and then proceeding straight into
   historical oblivion.

5) Chepharhaammonai: Joshua 18:24. Still another Israeli city.

   MODERN USAGE: The practice of pretending ham is chipped beef,
   still practiced by guilty members of the faithful to this day.

4) Kibrothhattaavah: Numbers 11:34-35, 33:16-17; Deuteronomy 9:22. A
   cute bit in the wandering of the Jews in the desert. Chapter 11:
   Everybody's in the desert. They're getting sick of manna. People
   start wondering why they left Egypt; they ask Moses for flesh.
   Moses talks to YHVH. YHVH promises 30 days of flesh. YHVH send a
   great cloud of quails. People pig out. And then:

   11:33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was
   chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and
   the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

   11:34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah:
   because there they buried the people that lusted. 

   MODERN USAGE: Fast food meat contaminated with feces. 

3) Selahammahlekoth: Samuel 1 23:28. Where Saul laid off the pursuit
   of David and went off to beat up the Philistines.

   MODERN USAGE: the amount of sexual humor one can make in the
   workplace without being hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit. 

2) Chushanrishathaim: Judges 3:8-10. King of Mesopotamia. YHVH got
   ticked at the Jews because they "served Baalim and the groves"
   [Judges 3:7] and so Chushanrishathaim got to enslave them for
   eight years.

   MODERN USAGE: A guy who could have been a contender for serious
   fame, but wasn't allowed to be evil long enough to ensure his
   reputation.

1) Mahershalalhashbaz: Isaiah 8:1, 8:3. The child of Isaiah and "the
   prophetess." No other mention is made of this woman. The child is
   used in Isaiah 8:4 as a measure of time ("For before the child
   shall have knowledge to cry, My father, and my mother, the riches
   of Damascus and the spoil of Samaria shall be taken away before
   the king of Assyria")-- and is never mentioned again.

   MODERN USAGE: Fruit of a sexual relationship between a famous
   person and a bimbo-- when the famous person SWEARS the
   relationship was purely a professional one.
================================================
[posted on REHU-L by The Divine Ms M]

To everyone who knows what a "Redneck" is 

         Personal Hygiene
  Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
  hand-me-down item.

  While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
  be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

  Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. 
  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

   Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
   tend to detract from a woman's jewerly and alter the tastes of 
   finger foods.

   Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-comsuming work.  A cigarette
   lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same 
   goal and save hours.  Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water 
   handy when using this method.


              Dining Out

  When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
  slowly so as not to 'bruise" the fruit of the vine.  If drinking 
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering 
the label.

  Remember to leave a generous tip for good service.  After all, their
  mobile home costs just as much as yours.  

          Entertaining in your home

  A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

  Do not allow the dog to eat at the table....  no matter how good his
manners are.

   Be considerate of your guests.  Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

  If your dog fails in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
  leave them alone for a few minutes.


       Dating   (Outside the Family)

  Always offer to bait your dates's hook, especially on the first
  date.

  No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
  stolen from a cemetery.

  Be aggressive.  Let her know you are interested:  "I've been wanting
  to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom 
wall two years ago."

  Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some
  will say 10:00.  Others might say "Monday."   If the latter is the 
answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.  

  If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
  tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in 
frustration.

  Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad for your
reputation.


      Theater Etiquette

  Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
  after the movie has ended.

   Refrain from talking to characters on the screen..  Tests have
   proven they can't hear you.


       Weddings

  Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

  Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  Not if you are the groom.

  When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

  A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
  also a proven fly deterrent.

  For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a
  cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. 
 Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special 
occasion.


         Driving Etiquette

  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
  loaded and the deer is in sight.

  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
  always has the right of way.

  Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
  to ask her to bring back beer.

  Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
  driving 

  Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit
  in.

  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.  


        Tips for all occasions

  Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

  Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

  Always say "Excuse me"  after getting sick in someone else's car.

  It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

  Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
  considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

  The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
  escpecially if other people are around.

  If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

  Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.


================================================
[posted on REHU-L]

DWORD:   Mustcrust

Meaning: The little dried chucks found on the outside nozzle of a
         mustard squeeze bottle.

Author:  Alcott Barclay Smith
------------------------------------

DWORD:   Burgacide

Meaning: When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself

         through the grill into the coals.

Source:  The HAND Mailing List
-------------------------------------------------------

DWORD:   Emailaise

Meaning: A vague feeling of discomfort or unease caused by 
         reading and writing too much email.

Author:  Israel Cohen
-----------------------------------------------

DWORD:   Ohnosecond

Meaning: The infinitesimal period of time between hitting the 
         return key and realizing you should not have.

Submitted by:  H.A. Kippenhan Jr.
-------------------------------------------------

DWORD:   Halebopp

Meaning: The sudden pain you get in the rear end after falling over 
         backwards whilst looking at comets in the sky.

Author:  Terence Grantham
--------------------------------------------
DWORD:   Epochodor	

Meaning: The smell of history found at museums.

Author:  Alcott Barclay Smith
--------------------------------------------------
================================================
[from David Danforth, via REHU-L]

AT THE C PROMPT ...

USER-FRIENDLY
-------------
C:\> DUR
Command not found.  Try retyping.

USER-HELPFUL
------------
C:\> DUR
I don't understand DUR.  Do you mean DIR?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
---------------
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR

USER-HOSTILE
------------
C:\> DUR
Ha!  A mistake!  I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll
do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
----------------
C:\> DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONISING
----------------
C:\> DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it?  Let's try again; this time, use
the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
---------------
C:\> DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was
my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
--------------
C:\> DUR
Well, look who's made a mistake then.  Very unusual, I don't think.

USER-INSULTING
--------------
C:\> DUR
S*d off.
C:\> DIR
S*d off.

USER-SMUG
---------
C:\> DUR
No.
C:\> DOR
Nope.
C:\> HELP
No.
C:\> PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\> B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere.

USER-ANALYTICAL
---------------
C:\> DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\> A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\> BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\> I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
-------------
May I help you please?
C:\> DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time.  Have a nice
day. 
C:\> DIR 
Will that be an MS-DOS directory? 
C:\> YES 
To read here, or for printout to take away? 
C:\> HERE 
Thank you.  Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
-----------------
C:\> DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests.  I'm busy.
================================================
[from the Theological Comic Relief site:
<http://www.webcom.com/~ctt/comic.html>]

Monolithic Biavicide updated 12/92
===============================================================

Agametic pusillanimity ...................................... Faint
heart never won fair lady

Amedical diurnal pomiance .............................. An apple a
day keeps the doctor away

Amorous terricircumflexion ................................... Love
makes the world go around

Arboreal silvanoscope ............................. What to see the
forest for the trees with

Autoproctolepsy ............................................. Make an
rear of oneself

Bimanual ablutionary reciprocity ..................................
One hand washes the other

Bonumeration ...................................... Count your
blessings

Chronocide ............................................. Killing time

Chronopantraumatherapy ......................... Time heals all wounds

Contralaterograminal hyperviridiance ................. The grass is
greener on the other side

Cornotaural tenacity ................................... Taking the
bull by the horns

Dorsal mordancy ................................... Backbiting

Dorsoreciprocal abrasion ............................... You scratch
my back, I scratch yours

Eluopetric abryolexy ............................... A rolling stone
gathers no moss

Equidulcent rosaliance ................................... A rose by
any other name

Equinavicularity ............................. To be in the same boat
with

Equine chromatic disparity .......................................
Horse of a different color

Excapillary homolavation ....................... I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair

Exocardial autoprandiation ............................ Eat your heart
out

Exsartagous inflagration ........................... Out of the frying
pan, into the fire

Extritial neo-adventism ............................. Out with the
old, in with the new

Fabial effusion ..................................... Spill the beans

Felinolingual seizure ................................ Cat got your
tongue

Felinophonic similitude ................................ The cat's
meow

Fumoincendiary juxtaposition .............................. Where
there's smoke, there's fire

Hippospectral diversion ............................ Horse of a
different color

Horticultural circumflagellation ....................................
Beating around the bush

Hyperculinary putrefaction .............................. Too many
cooks spoil the broth

Hypermordant mandency ......................... Biting off more than
you can chew

Hypoclimatosis ................................. Under the weather

Infracaninophilia ........................... Love of the underdog

Lactoprofundant lachrymosis ............................ Crying over
spilled milk

Literolachrolepsy ................................. Read 'em and weep

Maternocaligal calceation ...................................... Your
mother wears army boots

Monolithic biavicide ......................... Killing two birds with
one stone

Nondissipatory nonpenuriance .............................. Waste not,
want not

Nonparticipatory nonsuperance ............................... Nothing
ventured, nothing gained

Octoglobular postolepsy .................................. Behind the
eightball

Optical simiomimicry ............................. Monkey see, monkey
do

Opticredulous equivalence ............................ Seeing is
believing

Ortectomy .............................. Taking out the garbage

Ovular polycorbulation ............................. Putting your eggs
in many baskets

Pedal endojugulepsy .......................... Putting your foot in
your mouth

Postovular gallinomics ......................... Counting your
chickens before they hatch

Presaltoscope ......................... What you look thru before you
leap

Proctalgia .......................... A pain in the rear

Rubrocervix ........................................ Redneck

Saxovolvant amuscation ................... A rolling stone gathers no
moss

Scapular frigidity ...................................... Cold
shoulder

Scapulorotary apposition ................................... Shoulder
to the wheel

Simioavunculosis ...................................... A monkey's
uncle

Simioluminosity ................................... Monkeyshines

Superaquatic hemoviscosity ........................ Blood is thicker
than water

Ultimoglobular succulence ................................ Good to the
last drop

Unifacial millenavicular ejaculation ........................ The face
that launched a thousand ships

Vitrodomopetrojection ..................... Throwing a stone from a
glass house

Xanthodorsal striatosis ......................... A yellow stripe down
one's back

Xanthogaster .............................. Yellowbelly
================================================
[from CrazyFerJC, on REHU-L]

If at 1st you don't succeed, then cheat.

That's right, send a self-abused stomped elephant

Want to own a small business? Buy a big one and wait! 

Did you see that?  Neither did I.

Don't use that kind of language, you little @%#$^&%*$^$!@!

It is strictly forbidden to read this joke.
  Violators will be dealt with harshly.

On the other hand...     
You have different fingers.

If you love something, set it free; if it comes back,it's yours; If it
doesn't... hunt it down and kill it!

Go that way-really fast.  
If something gets in the way, turn.

For the next minute, try not to think of a white bear.

A bird in the hand is better than one overhead.

4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.

Turn Your 386DX into an XT, Install WINDOWS!

If you're not the lead dog, everything looks the same!

Windows NT: Only 16 megs needed to play Minesweeper!

Function call to load Windows: 
here_piggy_piggy_piggy_piggy

A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.

4 out of 5 people think the 5th is an idiot.

If at first you don't succeed, 
skydiving isn't for you.

What's the definition of bad acne?
You wake up to find a blind man reading your face.

Spilled spot remover on my dog. 
Poor Spot.....he's gone now.

Know what I like about Windows? 
NOTHING!

Boycott shampoo - Demand REAL poo

Exactly what time were you born yesterday?

If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.

Ren & Stimpy kick Barney's big purple butt!
More at 6:00.

Cats know how we feel ... 
They just don't give a damn.

Skeleton in closet = 1969 hide and go seek world champion.

Friends don't let friends use Windows.

If speed kills, Windows users may live forever.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Windows 95 - At least it's not New Technology!

Studies show that 51% of Americans are in the majority.

I Xeroxed my watch.  
Now I have time to spare.

1024x768x256.... 
Sounds like one mean woman.

Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.

What is a vegetarian with diarrhea?
 A SALAD SHOOTER!

How many Windows jokes are there? 
None! It's all true.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I kept putting it off.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? 
 Neither did I.

I'd like to be an optimist, but I doubt it'd work out.

Cats are not pets, they own the house and let you live there.

Have you ever wondered what your computer thinks of you?

Do files get embarrassed by being unZIPped?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Born again?  Nope, I got it right the first time.

Windows users prefer to be called Technically Challenged

Geoworks: Everything Windows WANTED to be!

"Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it!

Shin - Device for finding furniture in Dark.

Microsoft Motto: "Wait for us, we're the leaders!"

If it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it.

I'm not as think as you confused I am.

Microsoft Windows: It just keeps getting beta and beta.

The only place I want data loss is on my credit card!!!

Give, & you might receive. 
Take, and be sure of it!

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Took an hour to bury the cat.  
Silly thing kept moving..

You can't drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk.

AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Where ever you go, there you are.

The worst thing about censorship is .         

It's not whether you win or lose.
It's whether *I* win or lose.

Air is water with holes in it.

Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was
yesterday?

Mr. Bullfrog sez:  Time is fun when you're having flies.

Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!

Snackmosphere:  The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. 
Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)

Volcano:  A mountain with hiccups.

We aren't sure how clouds form.  But they know, that is what counts.

What is orange and goes "click, click"? 
 A ball point carrot

When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your
nose..

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When it's you against the world, bet on the world. 

What is mind?  No matter.  
What is matter?  Never mind.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the
allegators.

Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?

Grasshoppotamus:  A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... 
once.
================================================
Recently posted in the humor room of JungleBBS (jungle.olivet.edu)

_________________________________________________
Tue Apr  8, 1997 (12:58) from Gwark
Methods of Proof:

Proof by Example:  The author gives only the case n=2 and suggests
that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

Proof by Intimidation: "Trivial."

Proof by Cumbersome Notation: Best done with access to at least four
alphabets and special symbols.

Proof by Exhaustion:  An issue or two of a journal devoted to your
proof is useful.

Proof by Omission:  "The reader may supply the details."  "The other
253 cases are analogous."

Proof by Obfuscation:  A long plotless sequence of true and/or
meaningless syntactically related statements.

Proof by Wishful Citation:  The author cites a negation, converse, or
generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

Proof by Funding:  How could nine different government agencies be
wrong?

Proof by Picture:  A more convincing form of proof by example.  Works
well with proof by omission.

Proof by Vehement Assertion:  It is useful to have some kind of
authority relation to the audience.

Proof by Ghost Reference:  Nothing even remotely resembling the cited
Theorem appears in the reference given.

Proof by Forward Reference:  Reference is usually to a forthcoming
paper of the author, which is not often as forthcoming as the first.

Proof by Semantic Shift:  Some standard but inconvenient definitions
are changed for the statement of the result.

Proof by Appeal to Intuition:  Cloud shaped drawings frequently help
here.

Proof by Elimination of the Counter-Example:  "Assume for the moment
that the hypothesis is true.  Now let's suppose we find a
counter-example.  so what?  QED"

Proof by Assumption:  "For the last century no one acquainted with the
facts has disputed..."  an equivalent statement is, "I did not look up
the actual facts but since most people I know think this way, it
follows that everyone else does too."

Proof by Funding:  How could nine different government agencies be
wrong?

Proof by Eminent Authority:  "I saw Karp in the elevator and he said
it was probably NP-complete."

Proof by Personal Communication:  "Eight-dimensional colored cycle
stripping is NP-complete."  [Karp, personal communication]

Proof by Reduction to the Wrong Problem: "To see that
infinite-dimensional colored-cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce
it to the halting problem."

Proof by Reference to Inaccessible Literature:  The author sites a
simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated
memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.

Proof by Importance:  A large body of useful consequences all follow
from the proposition in question.

Proof by Accumulated Evidence:  Long and diligent search has not
revealed a counter-example.

Proof by Mutual Reference:  In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to
follow from Theorem 3 in Reference B, which is shown to follow from
Corollary 6.2 in Reference C which is an easy consequence of Theorem
A.


Proof by Metaproof:  A method is given to construct the desired proof.
The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.
================================================
Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:

sent in by Marsha Gainey:


                          CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ
                             ----------------
                              by Chris Gahan

 Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder"
 (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us
 to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction;
 the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of
 millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of
 Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that
 you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer
 from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.
 The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine
 your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No
 answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention
 is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.


 1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

 2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

 3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

 4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to
 sleep?

 5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
    b) Right out of the pot?

 6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee
    related products?

 7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

 8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

 9. Do you need coffee:
    a) ...to get up in the morning?
    b) ...to get out of bed?
    c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

 10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a
 coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a 
straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for 
hands-free drinking.)

 11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you
     "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?

 12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as
     well as by its frequency?

 13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to
     get your fix for the day?

 14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into
     your heart?

 15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your
 house?
     b) ...in more than five?
     c) ...in your bathroom?

 16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee
        cards anymore?
     b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
     c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

 17. Do you grind your own coffee?

 18. Do you grow your own coffee?

 19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking
 their profits"?

 20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
     b) ...and his donkey?
     c) ...intimately?

 21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

 22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
     b) ...that you don't like?
     c) ...because it's too frustrating?


--------------+
Response Ratio|                   Addiction Factor(TM)
==================================================================
 Yes   | No   |                         Analysis:
==================================================================
 20-22 | 0-2  | You are a well-rounded member of society with a love
       |      | for life and you are very wise.
-------+------+----------------------------------------------------
 17-19 | 3-5  | You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's
       |      | okay but it could be better and you are relatively
       |      | naive.
-------+------+-------------------------------------------------------
 0-16  | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?
       |      | Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some
       |      | more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?

================================================
(Shared via "Just 4 Laughs" e-mail list)

  This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario about 
a repair call he handled while living in England.  It's common 
practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage 
across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in 
England).  When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the 
two wire circuit for the conversation.  This method allows two 
parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each 
other.  Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that 
her telephone often failed to ring when her friends called; and that 
on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.  
Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
  He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and 
dialed the subscriber's house.  The phone didn't ring.  He tried 
again.   The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.  
Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:

a. The telephone system's ground was disconnected from the ground post
and used to restrain the dog via an iron chain and collar.

b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.

c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating
on the ground.

d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

================================================
[posted by karl on REHU-L]

What do they do just before they ship Tickle-Me-Elmo out of the
factory? 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
give him a couple little test-tickles
================================================
[from Amy]

Subject: Lettuce

-----------------------------------------
A young guy, Bob, is working his new job in the produce department of
a grocery store, when a customer approaches and says, "I'd like a half
a head of lettuce, please."  "Just a half of a head?"  Bob asks.
"Yes," says the customer.  "Half a head."  Bob mutters to himself, but
plucks a fresh head of lettuce and heads for the back of the store. In
the rear warehouse he picks up a big knife, and starts to cut the
lettuce in half.  

"What's that for?" says a supervisor walking by.
"Some asshole customer wants a half a head of lettuce."
"Uh, Bob," says the super, "...the same customer who followed you in
here?" 

Bob looks around to see the man right behind him.  "Uh, no," he says
quickly, "...THIS gentlemen here wants the OTHER half."  He finishes
the cut and hands the lettuce to the departing man.

After he leaves, the supervisor says, "That was pretty quick thinking,
Bob.  You avoided an ugly situation.  I think you might be management
material.  How'd you like to go to our manager training facility in
Montreal?"

"Well," says Bob, "I'd like the training opportunity, but, MONTREAL?
Montreal is all prostitutes and hockey players." "Bob," says the
super, "...my MOTHER happens to be from Montreal!" "Cool," says Bob,
"what position does she play?"
================================================
[several jokes from The Divine Ms M, posted on REHU-L]

There three boys were walking home from school.  All of a sudden, they
saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look.  Then,
right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.  The next
day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off
running.  On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still
there.  But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends
grap him by the arm, and they ask him, "What's the matter, don't you
like looking at naked women?"

And the kid replies, "Yea, by my mommy told me that if I look at a
naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone.  And I felt something
getting hard."

          ___________________________________________________


A drunk decided to go ice fishing, so he gathered his gear and went
walking arond until he found a big patch of ice.  He headed into the
center of the ice and began to saw a hole.

Suddenly, a loud booming voice came out of the sky.  "You will find no
fish under that ice."  The drunk looked around, but saw no one.  He
started sawing again.  Again, the voice spoke, "As I said before,
there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looked all around, high and low, but couldn't find a single
soul.
 He picked up the saw and tried one more time to finish.  Before he
 could
even start cutting, the huge voice interrupted, "I have warned you
three times now.  There are no fish!"

The drunk was now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asked the
voice, "How do you know ther are no fish?  Are you God trying to warn
me?" 

"No," the voice replied.
"Who are you then?"  asked the drunk.    "I am the manager of this
hockey rink."

                  ____________________________________

Bumper Sticker:  IRS:  We 've got what it takes to take what you've
got.

                 _______________________________________

Q:  What do you call a rabbit with a lot of fur?
A:   A million-hare.

                ______________________________________
================================================
[posted by Dickibus on REHU-L]

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the 
sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you  
have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit
the candle', you come onstage and light all the candles." 

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be 
the one picked. 

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir
was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of
unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest
angel made his interest. 

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the
choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant
"...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for
the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and
gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the
angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No
little boy. 

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping 
gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled
slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!" 

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice
floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the
matches!"
================================================
[posted on REHU-L]

>From the South Africa Bird List -

Someone picked this up while surfing the net in Canada and e-mailed it
through to me.

Thought it made interesting trivial birding reading so am forwarding
it:

     Great Tits Cause Big Boobs for Internet Users!

     Bird On! News

     Ornithologist Chris Mead was amazed when he heard that the World
Wide Web pages that he writes for Bird On! - about feathered birds -
were suddenly being looked at by thousands of new readers. 

     From 2,000 or 3,000 readers a week it suddenly increased to that
amount per day! It turned out that the interest all came from an
American Web access provider that had clearly just indexed Bird On!
The references being looked at so avidly were 'tits', 'big tits',
'chicks', 'fat chicks' etc. All of these referred to research work on
the survival of young Great Tits in the nest. 

     Clearly there are lots of people who use the net who are not
interested in feathered birds because, once they found out these tits
lacked boobs, they decided they had boobed and went to look elsewhere.
If you are interested in feathered birds Bird On! is the place to look
for news, pictures and much more about real birds. 
================================================
[from HAND!]

         Who Says Computing Isn't Any Fun?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

..Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet:  a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN

<-------- The information went data way --------

Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

.. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

definition of Ethernet: Something used to catch the Etherbunny

Headline reads 'World Wide Web broken: Spiderman at large'

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
programming must be the process of putting them in.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
conversing with inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document.  If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand.
================================================
[posted on REHU-L]


FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the
cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
     
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers, You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the
regulations say you should need.
    
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them. and sells you the milk.
    
PURE COMMUNISM
You share 2 cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors
bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most
"need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
    
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you
can and sell it on the black market.
    
PERESTROIKA
You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia
takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and
sell it on the "free" market.
    
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
    
DICTATORSHIP
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
    
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
     
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.
     
BUREAUCRACY
You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain.   Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cow.
    
CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy
cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
    
PURE ANARCHY
You have 2 cows, Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
    
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
     
SURREALISM
You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
     
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have 2 cows, 1 American, 1 Chinese. With the help of trilling
violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh
narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the
agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents,
then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every
day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered
before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely
spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a
multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese
cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government
officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the
meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
================================================
Who Was That Guy Really?

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1.	He went into his father's business
2.	He lived at home until the age of 33
3.	He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure
 he was God

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:
1.	He never got married
2.	He never held a steady job
3.	His last request was a drink

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:
1.	His first name was Jesus
2.	He was always in trouble with the law
3.	His mother did not know who his father was

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:
1.	He talked with his hands
2.	He had wine with every meal
3.	He worked in the building trades

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:
1.	He called everybody brother
2.	He had no permanent address
3.	Nobody would hire him

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:
1.	He never cut his hair
2.	He walked around barefoot
3.	He invented a new religion

>>
Three Proofs that Jesus was a Redneck:
1.   He never had a car that would run
2.   He didn't finish high school
3.   He always had dirty feet

Three Proofs Jesus was a Republican:
1.   He inherited his father's business
2.   He said the "poor will always be with us".
3.   He claimed the government was corrupt

Three Proofs Jesus was a Democrat:
1.   He was always telling stories
2.   He liked dinner parties
3.   He always blamed the other guy

================================================
"Hyperbolic God"
By Vince Sabio
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>

... I have decided to put to rest, once and for all, the dispute
between Science and Theology on the subject of God, by proposing an
all-encompassing and self-consistent theory on the relationships among
God, Heaven, and the Universe. I propose to accomplish this task in
such a manner as to keep anyone from ever asking my opinion on God
again.

I. I Have Seen God, and He Is Large

First of all, a colleague of mine informed me that God is large. I
rather liked this idea, since it greatly simplifies future postulates
(be patient, gentle reader, there will be lots of them). Since 'large'
is a relative term (when I was younger, it meant anything over four
feet tall), we'll simply assume here that it means God is larger than
the scope of our imagination -- e.g., larger than the national
deficit.

II. God is All-Knowing

Secondly, I was informed that God is all-knowing. This implies that He
knows what is going on at the intersection of Broadway and the Avenue
of the Americas at 3:00 Monday morning just as well as what's
happening in the Red Square in Moscow at 2:00 Friday afternoon. Thus,
He must be in all places at all times, which helps support assumption
(I), that God is large.

III. God Is Everywhere

This is almost a direct result of assumption (II), the result being
that God is in all places at all times. Assumption (III), however,
extends this from our sphere of experience (and observation) to
include the entire Universe. In other words, God is in all places at
all times in the Universe. Thus, God is a four-dimensional being,
which helps support assumption (I), and also why my catechism nuns
(who seemed to have enough trouble with two-dimensional Euclidean
geometry) finally gave up and decided that He resembled Man (or vice
versa).

IV. God Is Self-Evident

In response to query of proof of God (on which to base my theory), my
colleague informed me that God is self-evident -- that is, everywhere
one looks, there is proof of God. I, being of a rather simple-minded
nature, accepted this at face value, and concluded the following: If
God is everywhere I look, then He is more than just IN all place AT
all times -- He IS all places AND all times. And since all places and
all times implies the entire Universe, then God *is* the entire
Universe.

V. God Is Large -- and Quite Curved

Since God is the Universe, and the Universe is assumed to be
homogeneous and isotropic at all places, then God must be
homogeneous and isotropic at all places. Thus, He is either
spherical, flat or hyperbolic (since these are the only geometries
that support the homogeneity and isotropy conditions). To help decide
which of these geometries represents our Universe, we need another
basic assumption about God, namely that "God has infinite wisdom."
(This assumption was not supplied by my colleague, since she left soon
after I postulated that God is curved, but was instead given to me by
Sister Francine during catechism in 1969.) This is really quite a lot
of wisdom, and a simple, finite Universe just couldn't contain it all,
so the Universe must be infinite (which rules out a spherical God). We
can extrapolate from this conclusion that He is either flat or
divergent. Since the majority of the data gathered points toward a
hyperbolic (open) universe, we will assume that God is divergent --
which is a convenient assumption, since no one wants a flat God. From
this, we quite straightforwardly conclude that He is five-dimensional
and curved -- specifically, *hyperbolic*.

VI. Heaven Is 16-Dimensional Hyperbolic Space, and I'm Going To Hell

Since God's mailing address is "Heaven," it is evident that our
Universe (God) actually resides within a higher-dimensional space. In
(III), God was shown to be intrinsically four-dimensional, but (V)
showed that He is actually curved and five-dimensional. If Heaven is
to be represented as a higher-dimensional continuum within which our
Universe exists, then it must have 15 dimensions if it is flat, or 16
dimensions if it is hyperbolic. Though it is not conclusive, the
implication that God is hyperbolic suggests that Heaven should also be
divergently curved -- and, thus, requires a total of 16 dimensions for
a complete projection. This makes sense, too, since it is common
knowledge that Everything actually exists intrinsically in hexadecimal
(and c.g.s. units), as evidenced by the fact that the Universe was
created in sixteen days.

Note: The fact that the Bible CLAIMS the Universe was created in six
days -- plus one to rest -- and not 16 (as we would expect) is
actually the result of a mathematical error made by Archbishop James
Ussher during the seventeenth century. While attempting to establish
the date of Creation, Ussher -- who was not very good at math --
mistakenly took hexadecimal to mean "base six," and thus miscalculated
the Creation of the Universe by 10 days; it was actually created on
Wednesday, November 2. God created Saturday before Monday because He's
a party animal, and has an obvious affinity for weekends as opposed to
weekdays. (The astute observer will note that His son gained fame by
turning water into wine). Why He created five weekdays and just two
days per weekend can only be speculated upon -- and is, in fact, the
subject of *another* one of my theories....)

Editor's Note: The piece continues from there, but does little more
than ensure my seat near the front, right up by the flames. The only
other entry worth noting here is the conclusion:

... Thus, it is entirely possible that the existence of God will
fall quite naturally out of a Unified Field Theory, should such a
mathematical construct ever be developed. However, even in the event
that the existence of a higher being is proven mathematically, we
still must note that God DOES, in fact, play with dice.

Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Hyperbolic God," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright
statement are included.


NOTE FROM ORACLE: An extra special thanks to Vince Sabio of the
HumourNet mailing list for providing this message and allowing me to
send it.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to "listproc@csf.colorado.edu" (without quotes):

subscribe HumorNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country
================================================
[posted by The Divine Ms M on REHU-L]

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If....... 

 Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color. 

 You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
 Strawberry Hill

 You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth. 

 At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored 

 There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder 

 You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder 

 You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok 

 You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks 

 You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
 sheets

 You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. 

 You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to
 spit.

 The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. 

 Wookies are offended by your B.O. 

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you 
 didn't have to wait for a commercial.

 You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 

 You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a 
 non-twist-off bottle of beer.

 Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the
 dark side...it'll be a hoot."

 You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
 thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
================================================
[from HAND!]

As told by a 2nd Lieutenant from an Air Force Base in Texas:

 Every second lieutenant acquires embarrassing memories when he wears
 gold bars; it seems to come with the job.The first time the Air Force
 sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most
 embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in  opes that other
 butter bars out there won't make the same mistake. I was traveling
 from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB  CA one spring, and
 the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in  the St. Louis MO
 airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and  bought a  cup of coffee,
 a package of Oreos and a newspaper.  After giving the  cashier the 
nine bucks or so these items cost, I  scanned the crowded  sitting 
area for a place to relax.  The lounge was crowded, but there 
appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of 
some sort.  "Great!" I thought, "another soldier.  Maybe he can tell 
me about life in the forces.,, With my coffee on the right side of 
the table, my newspaper on the left and my oreos in the center, I sat 
down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me.  He 
was a Marine corps brigadier general -a mean-looking man with no 
hair, an honest-to-God scar on his forehead and about six rows of 
ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster.  To me, the 
general had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long,  pointed tail as 
well. I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to 
bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good  morning, sir," 
before sitting down.  I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and 
was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much 
like the crinkling of cellophane.  I looked up out of the corner of 
my eye to discover the general had reached across the center of the 
table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out  one and was eating it. 
 Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy,  I was not familiar 
with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as 
what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off 
one of your cookies.  Several responses came to mind, but none of 
these seemed entirely appropriate. I realized that the honor of the 
Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here.   I certainly couldn't 
let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport 
prices, one oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a 
second lieutenant.  The only response I  could make was to reach 
across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package 
(trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open 
somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.  "There," 
I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, 
and he should go buy his own."  Marines are known for many qualities, 
but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for 
another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the 
middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said 
anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now.
  The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself.  We 
wound up alternating through the entire package.  For an instant our 
eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of 
us said a word.  After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced 
something over the public address system.

  The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked
  up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs 
neatly off the table and left.  I sat there marveling at his gall and 
feeling very foolish. A few minutes later, they announced my flight.  
I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the 
cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal ... my Oreos! Today, two 
of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story,  
but only one of us has the punch line.   And general, if you are 
reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a 
case of Oreos.
================================================
[posted on REHU-L]

HOW TO TALK TEXAN (in one easy lesson)

Aigg:  what a hen lays
Aints:  he's got aints in his pants
Are:  what you shoot with a bow
Bag:  he bagged her to marry him
Bub:  the light bub burned out
Cheer:  what you set in
Daintz:  Sattiday night entertainment
Dinner:  what you eat at noon
Drass:  she drassed fit to kill
Dreckly:  i'll get to it dreckly
Ellum:  a gracefull tree
Fance:  what's around a hog lot
Farred:  he got farred from his job
Flar:  a rose is a purty flar
Furriners:  ALL NON-TEXANS
Grain:  she was grain with envy
Hail:  wher the bad people go
Hep:  lend a hepping hand
Hern:  it ain't her'n its his'n
Hillbilly:  people in the next county
Holt:  he grub a holt of the fance
Laig:  most folks have 2 of 'em
Lak:  similar to
Lar:  one who don't tell the truth
Mere:  what you see yorself in
Minners:  live bait
Mizrus:  a married woman
Nack:  yore haid sets on it
Nar:  opposite of wide
Nup:  no
Ormy:  what the sojers are in
Orrel:  them hinges need orrel
Pank:  a light red collar
Poke salit:  vegetable
Puppet:  what a preacher is in
Purdy:  she's as purdy as a pitcher
Rah cheer:  i was borned rah cheer in this town
Rang:  you war it on your fanger
Rat:  do it rat now
Roont:  she plum roont her shoes
Salary:  a white stringy vegetable
Shar:  a light rain
Shurf:  the shurf put joe bob in jail
Sofy:  you set on it (also die-van)
Sour deans:  small canned fish
Sprang:  water out of the ground
Strang:  twine
Tar:  his core blew two tars
Tard:  plum tuckered out
Thanks:  he thanks he's smart
Thow:  thow me the ball
Turd floater:  a heavy rain
Turpin:  a land turtle
War:  as in bobbed war fance
Worsh:  go worsh yore face
Yurp:  a continent overseas
================================================
[from various people on REHU-L]

[first the religious ones]
Anglican condoms: One size fits all . .for the high, low and broad
Anglican condoms: For use only after a consensus on their use has 
been reached by the Vestry and Synod after a ten year period of 
study.
Catholic condoms: "Here Comes Everybody" [James Joyce]

[now the commercial ones]
Nike Condoms:  Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:  Oh What a feeling. 
Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby. 
Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop. 
Mentos Condoms:  The freshmaker. 
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. 
Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a 
woman. 
MacIntosh Condoms:  It does more, it costs less, its that simple. 
Ford Condoms:  The best never rest. 
Chevy Condoms:  Like a Rock 
Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it?  Don't you wish everybody 
did? 
New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey-- you never know. 
California Lotto Condoms:  Who's Next? 
Avis Condoms:  Trying Harder than ever. 
KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good. 
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. 
Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one. 
Cambells Soup Condoms:  Mm, mm Good. 
The Carl's Jr. Condom:  If it doesn't get all over the place, it 
doesn't belong in your face.. 
General Electric:  We Bring good things to life! 
AT & T Condom:  "Reach out and touch someone" 
Sprint Condom:  You get more for less. 
Bounty Condom:  The quicker picker upper 
Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? 
Energizer Condom:  It keeps going and going and going.... 
M&M Condom:  "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!" 
Chevron Condom:  "Use Them?  People Do." 
Taco Bell Condom: Get Some, MAke a run for the border. 
MCI Condom: "For Friends and Family" 
Double Mint Condom:  Doube your pleasure, double your fun! 
The Sears latex condom:  One coat is good for the entire winter 
Delta Airlines Travel Pack:  Delta's ready when you are. 
United Airlines Travel Pack:  Fly United 
The Star Trek Condom:  To Boldly Go Where No Man has Gone Before... 
The Royal Candian Mounted Police Condom:  We always get our man!. 
 
Disclaimer:

These comments have not been endorsed by any of the firms listed 
above....
================================================
