[From Udi's Computer Joke List, via HAND!  To subscribe to the 
computer joke list, send an email message to: 
	MAJORDOMO@why-not.com
message: subscribe computer-jokes]

[And I won't be sending out as many RJs for a little while - I 
finally got the backlog down to a reasonable size!!!]


 Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work:

   1. Strange...
   2. I've never heard about that.
   3. It did work yesterday.
   4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
   5. How is this possible?
   6. The machine seems to be broken.
   7. Has the operating system been updated?
   8. The user has made an error again.
   9. There is something wrong in your test data.
  10. I have not touched that module!
  11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
  12. You must have the wrong executable.
  13. Oh, it's just a feature.
  14. I'm almost ready.
  15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
  16. It will be done in no time at all.
  17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
  18. I can't test everything!
  19. THIS can't do THAT.
  20. Didn't I fix it already?
  21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
  22. It works, but it's not been tested.
  23. Somebody must have changed my code.
  24. There must be a virus in the application software.
  25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
================================================
[My daughter is CRAZY about X-files.  She forwarded this to me.]
------------------------------------------------
DATE:  April 14, 1997

TITLE: NEW: Passing Over

AUTHOR:  Esther Massimini
EMAIL ADDRESS:  emass@primenet.com

DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT:  Archive where ever you would like, just keep
my name with it.

DISCLAIMER:  Moses and Aaron belong to God. I have borrowed from
Exodus 2-4. And since I know God isn't going to sue me, I don't expect
that Chris Carter will either, but just in case... The X-Files and
characters belong to FOX, Chris Carter, 1013.  I am not making any
money from this story. I have a great job as an engineer, thank you! I
am just borrowing these characters because it's Passover.

No infringements are intended.

******

Ramses, Egypt
11:21 on the sun dial, several thousand years Before Common Era


Special Agent Mulder-ath, of the Pharaoanic Bureau, brushed through
the papyrus reeds, looking for his partner, Special Agent Scullypatra.
They were working on a strange new case, and since she was also
trained as a Healer, her wisdom was as always important.  Though,
usually, she ended up applying her skills more in the mummification
room...

Looking over the swaying reeds on the bank of the Nile, he spied a
glimpse of fiery auburn hair. "Scullypatra! It's happened again!"

"What, Mulder-ath?" his partner said, shaking her Cleopatra-
styled hair in exasperation. She was sitting on a rock at river's
edge, beating on some papyrus.

"Just doing the papyrus-work, Mulder-ath," she explained. 

Scullypatra's patience was, as usual, wearing thin with Mulder-ath and
his methods. Just the last moon cycle, he had tied a suspect in the
bowels of a pyramid, leaving him to be eaten by one of the sacred
snakes. And he had been very irritated with her when she had her body
adorned with the symbol of the sacred snake.  And he always was
careless about doing the papyrus-work. By Isis, Grand Vizier Skin-ra
was always on their case about that...

Mulder-ath stared at her. Something was definitely different about
Scullypatra. The kohl! That was it! Her eyes were unusually heavily
rimmed with kohl today. "Hot date tonight with that Pendrellames
fellow?" he leered.

"Muuulllldeeeeeerrr-ath!"

"Look at this, Scullypatra." He handed her a scroll of papyrus, 
covered with hieroglyphs. "Another of 'Miracle Man' Moses' 
predictions has come true again. A real revelation."

Scullypatra rolled her beautiful blue eyes at him, raising her
eyebrow, as he continued.

"We've received disturbing reports from our intelligence sources.
First, Pharaoh was holding his rod at the river's edge when it
suddenly turned into a serpent.   Next, the river turned to blood, all
the fish died... now the Nile has turned foul so that no one can drink
from it."

"Mulder-ath," Scullypatra explained patiently, "there are very
natural explanations for this, ones that even Ptolemy would be 
proud of. Maybe Pharaoh picked up a snake, instead of what he 
thought was his staff -- a snake having a temporary muscle spasm!"

Mulder-ath smirked as she continued to try to come up with a 
rational explanation. He especially liked her swamp-gas 
explanation for what happened to the river. Scullypatra fancied
herself quite the rational skeptic, in the Ptolemaic tradition,
whereas Mulder-ath believed in Isis and the stars and the gods.

"Come on, Scullypatra, let's check this out. I've requisitioned a
barge for us."

"Does Skin-ra know what you're up to?"

"Scullypatra, this is an X-Scroll... He hasn't messed with the
X-Scrolls ever since he reinstated the papyrus."

"OK, Mulder-ath, I hope you know what you're doing. I'm not going in
to Grand Vizier Skin-ra to defend your sorry posterior again. Nor am I
spending time in the royal prison for you..." 

"Look at the evidence, the facts, Scullypatra!" Mulder-ath said,
shoving the huge sheaf of papyrus under her nose. "I'm telling 
you, it's another X-Scroll! Just like the other revelations and 
plagues: the Nile turning red with blood, the unpotable water, 
those terrible boils, Pharaoh's staff turning into a serpent, the
locusts, the gnats..."

Just then, a horde of frogs rose out of the Nile, as far as they
could see, and covered them. Scullypatra, irritated, motioned to the
nearest palm-frond waving slave to remove the frogs from the area. 

"Mulder-ath, frogs just fell from the sky!"

"So, lunch?" Mulder-ath said, once the frogs were cleared.

They walked over to the plain blue barge the Pharaoanic Bureau 
authorized for them, and sailed down the river to the Inn of the
Headless Woman. It was a favorite place for the duo to lunch; just two
moons ago, Mulder-ath had 2 slaves perform the Sacred Ceremony of the
Fireball in honor of Scullypatra's birthday there.

Over lunch, they continued their case discussion.

"Scullypatra, it's just like this Moses predicted."

"You really think this Moses is causing all these strange things to
happen?"

"Someone, or some*thing*. And Scullypatra, he KNOWS something.
He's the Pharaoh's nephew, for Isis' sake!"

"Just what do we know about him?

"Well, about 30 years ago, the Princess found a baby in a basket. She
named him Moses. When he grew up, the Pharaoh wanted to do away with
him, so he ran off, and decided to take care of sheep in the desert.
It's there that he hooked up with his brother and presumed accomplice,
Aaron."

"So, disaffected rich kids go off and find themselves every day,
Mulder-ath," Scullypatra went on.

"But Scullypatra," Mulder-ath said, "He saw a bush. A...
burning bush."

"Swamp gas, Mulder-ath, swamp gas." Scullypatra retorted, 
smirking back at him.

The look on Mulder-ath's face was intense. But in his usual
patient way, he allowed her to expound on her theories.

"The next thing you know, you'll tell me that it talked!"

"Er...ummm... actually it did. Told him to go back to Egypt,
and lead 'his people' away from there, that they must not work
for Pharaoh anymore..."

"Mulder-ath, what you're talking about is treason! Pharaoh did  
mention that Moses has been carrying on about human rights 
violations lately... saying he wants 'his people' to go 
somewhere... Do you think Moses is somehow engineering all these
events? Maybe he's planting the locusts on the rooftops with bits of
food..."

"We haven't been able to determine that yet. Moses has denied any
involvement," Mulder-ath added. "Says he gets his orders from a Higher
Power."

"Have our associates in Alexandria looked into this?"

"Apparently they have responded to the situation in a way that I don't
think any of us would have anticipated."

"How do you mean?" Scullypatra asked.

"I don't have all the details yet but I've asked them to come here and
explain it themselves." 

Lunch was over, and it was time for the mid-day rest. Scullypatra
retired to a cool spot on the barge, laying down on a bed of reeds.
Mulder-ath just slumped on the steps.

********************

Later that evening, after night had fallen, Mulder-ath was back
in his domicile. He was surprised when his slave announced that
Scullypatra was seeking an audience with him.

Mulder-ath dismissed his slave, Frohik-ra, and opened his door, 
candle in hand.

"Greetings, Scullypatra."

Scullypatra responded, in panic, "I want you to look at something."

"Come on in."

Scullypatra entered his dwelling and then, in a surprise to
Mulder-ath, removed her cloak and stood before him, in her
undershift. She was still panicking, and revealed to him some 
small marks on her lower back.  

Mulder-ath leaned in to take a closer look.

"What are they?  Mulder-ath, what are they?"

Scullypatra was frightened of what the marks might be. She was
afraid they might be a reoccurrence of Moses' plague of boils.

Mulder-ath started to smile. "Mosquito bites."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he responded, "by Isis, I got eaten up a lot myself out 
there. They love to breed in the reeds."

Scullypatra pulled her cloak back on and turned to hold Mulder-ath.

"Scullypatra, you ok?"

"Yes."

Scullypatra let go of Mulder-ath and straightened her cloak.

"You're shaking." Mulder-ath noticed.

"I need to sit down," she replied.

"Take your time. Time flies in the night," he leered.

Some time passed, and Scullypatra awoke, lying on a bed of reeds
with a silk cloth over her. Thank Isis,  Mulder-ath was sitting 
on the floor.

"I was twelve when it happened, my sister, Saman-ra, was eight. 
She just disappeared one night. Just gone, vanished, no note, no
hieroglyphs, no evidence of anything."

Scullypatra replied, "You never found her."

"Tore the family apart. No one would talk about it. There were no
facts to confirm, nothing, to offer any hope. That's why I'm with the
Pharaoanic Bureau, with the X-Scrolls."

"And Moses -- fascinates you -- because he also disappeared from
his family. You're hoping that maybe Saman-ra will be found and
returned to her family in the same way," Scullypatra noted with
her usual enigmatic insight.

Mulder-ath reached over and embraced Scullypatra. She returned
the embrace, ruffling his hair.

*******************

Addendum to case number: Ramses-Nefertiti-Ptolemy 3

 In the absence of any official response, I am now 
 petitioning to devote full Pharaoanic Bureau 
 resources to investigate the case of the multiple 
 plagues striking our land.

 Since Agent Mulder-ath's initial questioning of 
 Moses, we have had no success in determining the 
 source of these events. Personally, I believe Moses, 
 and his brother Aaron, are the keys to identifying 
 the larger forces behind the events we are
 investigating. 


Special Agent Scullypatra, scribe.
================================================
[posted on REHU-L by Grady, Grand Inquisitor of Rehu and Duke of 
Grits]

"Form 1040:  Cut, folded, and spindled just right and with careful
application of some spray paint it can be made into a decorative
center piece, especially good for the month of April." --Martha
Steward  (It's a good thing!)

================================================
[posted on REHU-L by Maureen]

Dater Loster (commonly known as "Our Hard Drive")

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.

(Original author unknown)
================================================
(From the "Just 4 Laughs" e-mail list, via "Wit & Wisdom")

DEFINITIONS OF BASIC COOKING TERMS

TONGUE: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

YOGURT: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly
the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a
dish the dog won't eat.

PORRIDGE: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

PREHEAT: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.

OVEN: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.

MICROWAVE OVEN: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.

CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.

ARAB COFFEE: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint. 
================================================
[posted on REHU by The Divine Ms M]

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on
the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.  

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

  1)  It's an incentive to show up.
  2)  It reduces stress.
  3)  It leads to more honest communications.
  4)  It reduces complaints about low pay. 
  5)  It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6)  Employees tell management what they think, not what management
  wants to hear.  
  7)  It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8)  It encourages car-pooling.
  9)  Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you
  don't care.
 10)  It elimintes vacations because people would rather come to work.
 11)  It makes fellow employees look better. 
 12)  It makes the food taste better.  
 13)  Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 
 14)  Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
 15)  Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
 16)  No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
================================================
[posted on REHU]

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned
two of his advisors for a test.  He showed them both a shiny metal
box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever.  "What do
you think this is?"

One advisor, an electrical engineer, answered first.  "It is a
toaster", he said.  The king asked, "How would you design an
embedded computer for it?"  The advisor said, "Using a four-bit
microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the
darkness knob and quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of
darkness, from snow white to coal black.  The program would use that
darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer
values.  Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the
timer with the initial value selected from the table.  At the end of
the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. 
Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a software developer, immediately recognised the
danger of such short-sighted thinking.  He said, "Toasters don't
just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen
waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. 
As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will
demand more capabilities.  They will need a breakfast food cooker
that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs.  A
toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete.  If we don't
look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster
in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to
the problem.  First, create a class of breakfast foods.  Specialise
this class into subclasses:  grains, pork, and poultry.  The
specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into
toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage,
links, and bacon and poultry divided into scrambled eggs,
hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette
classes."

"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention
because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and
poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly
solved without multiple inheritance.  At run time, the program must
create the proper object and send a message to the object that says,
'Cook yourself.'  The semantics of this message depend, of course, on
the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of
toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of
breakfast food.  In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
requirements.  Specifically, we need an object-oriented language
with multiple inheritance.  Of course, users don't want the eggs to
get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is
required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface.  The lever that lowers the
food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing.  Users
won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical
interface.  When t he breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should
see a cowboy boot on the screen.  Users click on it, and the message
'Booting Windows 98' appears on the screen.  (Win98 should be out by
the time the product gets to the market.)  Users can pull down a
menu and click on the foods they want to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in
the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware
platform for the implementation phase.  An Intel Pentium MMX with
48MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SVGA monitor should be
sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language
that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing
the program will be a snap."

The king wisely had the software developer beheaded, and they all
lived happily ever after. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE
IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1.      Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face
and scream "Oh my God!  They've found me!" and bolt.

2.      Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly
stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3.      When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work.  After he/she's turned
it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
good half hour.

4.      Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next
to you evilly.

5.      Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.

6.      Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play
it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7.      Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled
by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8.      Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.

9.      Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't
know.

10.     Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you
turn it on.

11.     Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12.     Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start cursing for 3
minutes at everything bad about your life.  Then stop and continue
typing.

13.     Enter the lab,undress, and start staring at other people as
if they're crazy while typing.

14.     Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.

15.     Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $2.  Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I
forgot."

16.     Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"
when it finishes.

17.     "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18.     Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
friends ).

19.     Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your
pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20.     If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21.     Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor.  Try to seduce it.  Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22.     Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc
drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23.     When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24.     Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its
all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25.     Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. 
After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
next to you.

26.     Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the
person next to you.  Repeat the procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases
tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27.     If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
leave.

28.     Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal
Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29.     Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.  Remove
shoes and place them of top of the monitor.  Remove socks layer by
layer and drape them around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden haiku about
the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30.     Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your
paper like this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
bad working conditions.

31.     Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.

32.     Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.

33.     Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
Flat, etc.)

35.     Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
"Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the
keyboard & taking it.

36.     Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37.     When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.

38.     Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the
lab.

39.     Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over
again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the
space bar so your fill isn't affected).  Then look at your neighbor's
keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire
word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake
your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doin
this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.
Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
space bar this whole time.  No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print
out your document and leave.

40.     Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk.  (For special
effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim
that the computer is drooling.)

41.     Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.  Keep
laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42.     Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up language while
making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two.  Press return or
the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from
under the table, walk back to the computer and say.  "Oh, good.  It
worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43.     Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44.     See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request. 
Talk to them like you've known them all your lives.  Hang up before
they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45.     Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd
sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46.     Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain
that the lead doesn't work.

47.     Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered
species of flowers in your hair.  Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence,
then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the
screen. Repeat this after every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts,
also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer
assistant, and walk out.

48.     Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49.     Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person
and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet
crocodile for the next week".

50.     Two words:  Tesla Coil.


* note:  Some of these will get you kicked out of the lab, banned
from the lab, or even worse, kicked outta school.  Do NOT try them
unless this is your intent.  If you so choose to actually do one of
the above items, you do so AT YOUR OWN RISK.  I will accept NO
responsibility for any action taken against you. 
================================================
[forwarded by David A Danforth on REHU]

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

"You want to be buried or cremated?"  "Surprise me."

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery

Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand

Atheism: A non-prophet organization

Blind Spot: What Dick and Jane did to be cruel

Cat bathing is a martial art

Chirpes: (n.) canarial disease, no tweetment.

Cream rises to the top...so do dead fish.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Define: (n.) De ting you get for breakin de law

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Eagles fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.

Entomology: I fear no weevil.

Experience: what allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.

For sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Hi, my name is Annie Key. Please don't hit me!

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

I can fly! I can fly! I can...oh $****

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one

I tried snorting coke once. I almost drowned.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'm not so much human as cat furniture.

If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

It's not cute being this easy.

Jesus Saves!  Passes to Moses,  He shoots.  He SCORES!

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

Lawyer: The larval form of politicians.

Let the meek inherit the Earth, I want the stars!

LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.

Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

No, I'm not an elitist.  Why do you ask, peasant?

Of course I'm sane.  The voices said so.

Oh sure! But what's the speed of dark?

Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.

Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires."

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Support Capitol punishment - spank your congressman.

System error - press F13 to continue.

The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate.

The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.

Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."

Tuesday is human sacrifice day at the Sizzler.

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen and Stupidity.

Two silkworms were having a race, but it ended in a tie.

Udder failure: A cow that doesn't give milk

Often the best thing about not saying anything is that it can't be
repeated.

"I went to a bookstore today," says comic Brian Kiley, " and I asked
the manager where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you,
that would defeat the whole purpose."
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman
call  in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was
having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware
problem.

  Service Rep:      Sir, something has burned within your power
  			supply.

  Customer:         I bet that there is some command that I can put
			into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

  Service Rep:      There is nothing that software can do to help you
  			with this problem.

  Customer:         I know that there is something I can put in...
  			some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

       [After a few minutes of going round and round]

  Service Rep:      Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but
  			there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
            can use.  I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add 
			the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

        [Customer does this]

  Customer:          It is still smoking.

  Service Rep:       I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask
  			them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

         [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the
          last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

  Service Rep:       Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

  Customer:          I called Microsoft and they said that my power
  			supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I
            need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have 
			that done and how much it will cost.
================================================
[posted by Nancy M. Piatkowski on Rehu]

Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
    to change a light bulb?

A:  1,331:
        1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
          list that the light bulb has been changed
       14 to share similar experiences of changing light
          bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
          changed differently.
        7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
       27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
          changing light bulbs.
       53 to flame the spell checkers
      156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
          the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
          to this mail list.
       41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
      109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
          to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
      203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
          alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
          light bulbs be stopped.
      111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
          are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
          **are** relevant to this mail list.
      306 to debate which method of changing light
          bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
          what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique,
          and what brands are faulty.
       27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
          different light bulbs
       14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
          to post corrected URLs.
        3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
          are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
          relevant to this list.
       33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
          them including all headers and footers, and then
          add "Me Too."
       12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
          because they cannot handle the light bulb
          controversey.
       19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
        4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
        1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
       47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
          was meant for, leave it here.
      143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

================================================
[forwarded by Carl]

                              Quotes From
                             STEPHEN WRIGHT

  I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
  anywhere near the place.

  I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
  I got a full house and four people died.

  Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
  coffee table.  They couldn't help me. 

  What's another word for "thesaurus"? 

  When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if 
I'm leaving. 

  When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was 
an only child . . . eventually. 

  I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to 
buy them again. 

 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.  I put them 
in the same room and let them fight it out. 

 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 
in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in 
France who said, "Cut it out!" 

 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it 
looks like I'm the only one moving. 

  I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new 
song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." 

  I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 
farther, trying to see it clearly) . . .  and says, "Here, you can 
go." 

  I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything 
specific. 

  I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold 
 out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed 
 to be 80 degrees out today."  I said "Oops . . ." 

  I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of 
cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 

  I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone. 

  My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out. 

  I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. 

  I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 

  I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now, but 
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." 

  I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got 
there. 

  A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go. 
You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . 
oohh, that's much better. 

  I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea 
shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe 
you've seen some of it. 

  I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine. 

  Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. 

  My school colors were clear. 

  I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup 
letter. 

  I'm taking La maze classes.  I'm not having a baby, I'm just having 
trouble breathing. 

  When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's 
Dad.  He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."   I said, "the 
middle of August? Cool!" 

  My girlfriend's weird.  One day she asked me, "If you could know 
how  and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"  I 
said, "No."  She said, "Okay, forget it." 

  I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going 
to be gone.  I said, "The whole time." 

  My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.  He was making pennies.  
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the  
wrong sides. 

  He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and
 chain. 

  Hermits have no peer pressure. 

  Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . . 

  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore 
like an idiot. 

  How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? 

  Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? 

  I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me 
are furious. 

  Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . . 

  I remember when the candle shop burned down.   Everyone stood 
around singing "Happy Birthday". 

  I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. 
Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. 

  I got stopped by a cop the other day.   He said, "Why'd you run 
that stop sign?"  I said, "Because I don't believe everything I 
read." 

  It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
 temperature. 

  Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. 

  I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, 
"No thanks - I'm not going that far."

  I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door 
complained.  So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.   

  I'm a peripheral visionary. 

  I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O. 

  Ballerinas are always on their toes.   Why don't they just get 
taller ballerinas? 

  The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,   
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." 

  What a nice night for an evening. 

  Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? 

  When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a 
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
================================================
[from Brian]

 30 Ways to Cope With Stress

  1.   Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.
See how many you can do at a time.
  2.   Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
  3.   Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  4.   When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other
plans.
  5.   Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
  6.   Dance naked in front of your pets.
  7.   Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to
  pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
  8.   Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
  9.   Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from
high places.
  10.  Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the
natives.
  11.  Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
  12.  Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next
day. 
  13.  Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to
your boss's wife.
  14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.
  15.  Drive to work in reverse.
  16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
  17.  Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it
out.
  18.  Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
  19.  Polish your  car with earwax.
  20.  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 
  21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize  it when it comes 
back to you.
  22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.
  23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.
  24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're
in jail.
  25.  Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. 
  26.  Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
in the wrapper.
  27.  Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
  28.  Fill out every credit card application and magazine
subscription you get and have them bill you later.
  29.  Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms
are, and ask for help.
  30.  Do your assignments in binary code.
================================================
[from Geoff Kane via HAND!]

 "Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password"


 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

  9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

  8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups
     like alt.recreational.catnip.

  7. Your web browser has a new home page:
      <http://www.feline.com/>.

  6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma
       of tuna.

  5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their
     release of "CyberDog."

  4 Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial
    scent to it.

  3. You keep finding new software around your house like
     CatinTax and WarCat II.

  2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

  and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

  1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
================================================
[from Lord Pierce, on REHU]

Cultural Differences Between Anglophones Explained
========================================

Aussies:       Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians:     Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans
		when abroad. 
Americans:     Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. 
Brits:         Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when 
		abroad.

Aussies:       Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits:         Believe that you should look out for those people who
		belong to your club. 
Americans:     Believe that people should look out for & take care of 
		themselves. 
Canadians:     Believe that's the government's job.

Aussies:       Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans:     Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively
		patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians:     Can't even agree on the words to their anthem, when
		they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits:         Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to
		perform their anthem.

Americans:     Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians:     Don't, but only because they can't get more American
		channels. 
Brits:         Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. 
Aussies:       Export all their programs, which no-one there watches, 
		to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans:     Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball,
		and basketball. 
Brits:         Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and 
		rugby. 
Canadians:     Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, 
		hockey, hockey, how they beat the Americans twice in baseball,
        and hockey. 
Aussies:       Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the 
		Brits in every sport they play them in.

Americans:     Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits:         Pronounce their words differently, but still call it
		"English". 
Canadians:     Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. 
Aussies:       Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything 
		they say in an attempt to get lucky.

Brits:         Shop at home and have goods imported because they live
		on an island.
Aussies:       Shop at home and have goods imported because they live
		on a continent which is for all intents and purposes an island.
Americans:     Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, &
		liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians:     Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, &
		liquor in a backwards country.

Americans:     Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians:     Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits:         Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies:       Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans:     Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally
		suspect. 
Canadians:     Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally 
		suspect. 
Brits:         Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and 
		failure are inherited things. 
Aussies:       Seem to think that none of this matters if one can 
		have some beer.
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, ANNOY, OR JUST PLAIN weird out YOUR ROOMMATE:

 1.   Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.

 2.   Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is in class.

 3.   Twitch alot.

 4.   Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

 5.   Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer & dump sardines in it. Talk
 to them.

 6.   Become a subgenius.

 7.   Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

 8.   Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float 
up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and 
grin.

 9.   Speak in tongues.

10.  Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.

 11.  Walk and talk backwards.

12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
in the middle of your room. Number them.

13.  Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night.
If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the eye."

14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias
on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
preformance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

 16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.

 17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.

18.  Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it
off when you are.

 19.  Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a few
weeks."

20.  Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend
to masturbate while reading them.

21.  Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.

 22.  Eat glass.

 23.  Smoke ballpoint pens.

 24.  Smile. All the time.

25.  Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
you think the dog ate.

 26.  Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
 suspiciously.

27.  Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, &
eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry,
demand that s/he reimburse you.

28.  Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a
list of grievances.

 29.  Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30.  Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.

 31.  Dye all your underwear lime green.

 32.  Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

 33.  Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34.  Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.

 35.  Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).

 36.  Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37.  Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand
up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up
for three weeks.

38.  Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

 39.  Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40.  Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

 41.  Shave one eyebrow.

42.  Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there
and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.

 43.  Put horseradish in your shoes.

44.  Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

 45.  Always flush the toilet three times.

 46.  Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47.  Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

 48.  Give him/her an allowance.

 49.  Listen to radio static.

50.  Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up. 
================================================
[posted on REHU]

PRANKS TO PULL ON PROGRAMMERS

16.  Using their e-mail address, post a request for penpals to the
     <alt.prison.bodypiercing newsgroup>.
15.  Three words:  electric mouse buzzer.
14.  Assign them to the new "Heaven's Gate" project.
13.  "Look, Bill Gates!!  Ha!  Made ya' look!"
12.  Put them in the same room with a member of the opposite sex. 
11.  "Have you got Prince Albert in a LAN?" 
10.  Tell them that, "Everyone knows 'Star Trek' transporter 
technology is bogus."
 9.  10 GOTO 10
 7.  Swap their monitor for a large cardboard box with handpuppets
then watch the fur fly!
 6.  Announce that annual raises will be based on a subjective test 
of one's ability to "schmooz the way the butt-kissers in marketing    
 do."
 8.  Intercept their daily "Top 5 List", then remove #8 and re-insert 
it between #5 and #6.
 5.  Pretend to "discover" a Fox TV Website with a now-out-of-date
"Win a Weekend with Gillian Anderson of X-Files" contest.
 4.  Every hour, on the hour, forward them a warning about the 
"Good Times" virus.
 3.  Call her up and ask if her program is running, and when she 
says, "Yes", tell her, "Well you better go catch it!"
 2.  Replace all the Jolt in the soda machine with Perrier and V8. 
 1.  Special announcement:  "Forget Java--starting immediately, all   
coding will be done in COBOL."
================================================
[from Bill Townsend, via a bunch of other people, via Amy]

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR AT 200 PARK AVENUE SOUTH 


1)  Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, darn it, all of you just shut UP!"

2)  Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.

3)  Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"

4)  Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.  Wear yours
upside down.

5)  Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off. Every once in a while shuffle your weight back
and forth. 

6)  When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7)  Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
ask them to call you Admiral.

8)  Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then
announce:  "I've got new socks on!"

9)  Meow occasionally. 

10) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 

11) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 

12) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers. 

14) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your
beeper?" 

15) Say "Ding!" at each floor. 

16) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 

17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 

18) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space." 

19) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body." 

20) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 

================================================
[from Beadle, on REHU]

The top 10 reasons that christianity is the best religion to beleive
in.

1. We provide hope for existance after death unlike other religions
such as atheisim and anarchisim and most chaosisim.

2. There is a VERY large variety of variations on the theme and if
you get bored with that you can design a sub-parish of your own
ideals, no-body will notice just one more.

3. you can get higher on the holy spirit than on any drug(and i'ts
legal, doesn't cost anything and even if it wasn't legal, no-one can
raid your stash)

4. Because of Christianity we have many public holidays, such as
easter, christmass and the school holidays(if you aren't convinced
of the last one, just ask me for the proof).

5. Because of christianity we not only get every sunday off(and we
can probably get partial credit for saturdays) but also on this day
your spouse does not(if you are part of the religion) expect you do
do any work! that's 52 days a year not including the other holidays.

6. For those who need a bit of spare cash, the offering bowl is very
handy, just pretend you are stuffing a large wad of notes in and slip
some up your sleve.

7. The bible is one of the few G rated books that gets away with
sexual tension, just wait untill the new version of onan's
adventures comes up in explicit detail.

8. Everyone(including the girls) will beleive that you are a kind,
honest person untill it is too late.

9. The bible explains a wide variety of methods to get a wife,
and(while it tells you not to) provides neumerous examples of people
cheating on their spouses, lovely role model.

10.  Christianity is accredited to creating alcahol(see noah) and
widely promoting it's use(not to mention preventing it being banned
or worse because of it's religious significance)

BEADLE who just wrote this off the top of his head

note: you are only alowed to distribute this message on the following
conditions: 
1. My title(beadle) remains attached to all copys along with this 
message 
2. I cannot be held responsible for anyone taking offence at this 
message 
3. No-one will mention the subject if the fad for putting 
distrobution notices at the end of letters dies overnight 
4. everyone who reads this message, not to mention those who don't, 
enjoy themselves
================================================
[from Robin Lock, on REHU]

CHURCH STAFF JOB DESCRIPTIONS

Pastor:
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  More powerful than a
locomotive.  Faster than a speeding bullet.  Walks on water.  Makes
policy with God.

Church Chairman:
Able to leap short buildings in single bound.  Just as fast as a
speeding bullet.  Walks on water if the sea is calm.  Talks with God.

Worship Leader:
Leaps short buildings with a running start.  Almost as powerful as a
switch engine.  Faster than a speeding BB.  Walks on water if she/he
knows where the stumps are.  Is occasionally addressed by God.

Youth Minister:
Runs into small buildings.  Recognizes locomotives about 2 out of 3
times.  Uses a squirt gun.  Knows how to use the water fountain. 
Mumbles to him/herself.

Church Secretary:
Lifts buildings to walk under them.  Kicks locomotives off the track. 
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth.  Freezes water with a single
glance.  When God speaks says, "Please hold."

================================================
[from The Thaxtons, via Tom Lewis]

I'm Stuck with the Kids - A frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS

{This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last 
year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and 
credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.}

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.  Thank you. 
I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. 
They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these
waifs) know something about them and what to expect over the next
year.  You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate
the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant. Ask her!  I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns.  While she has not had formal training,
it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of other subjects you can
name.  Taxes should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you
will now be responsible for that little expense.  While you mull that
over, keep in mind that she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment
so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense Funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to
school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy.  While she possesses
all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt
it best to occasionally remind he of the virtures of abstinence and in
the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always 
uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in 
the future.  May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had 
a rather good handle on the problem. 

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes are a
little close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first.  In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home.  He and his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the
future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is
purple.  Permanent dye, temporary dye,  what's the big deal?  Learn to
deal with it.  You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of
filing your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he and all
of his friends have raging hormones.  This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home.  DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure you
will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure
to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10
going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive, so the
schools dropped it.  Good News!  You can buy it yourself for half
the amount of the deduction that you are denying!  It's quite obvious
that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped
raise this one to a new level of terror.  She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned
out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak.  I don't. The school  sends her to a speech pathologist
who has her roll her Rs.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to
her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, but I'm sure that you can handle it.  Bring a truck when
you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that
it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is
really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take.  I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free!  If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager.  If you take the two girls, then I won't
feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.  Please let
me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional
tax and make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

You know you are from the Silicon Valley when... 

     You make $100,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
     Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from
work. 
     Stop asking how much things cost but, ask "How long will it
take?" 
     Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, 
but you are living in PST. 
     Know vast differences between Thai, Vietnemese, Chinese, 
Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food. 
     Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not
on the consumer market yet. 
     Go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you 
like your car. 
     Think that "I'm going to Fry's" is an acceptable excuse to leave 
the office for a while, and your boss does too. 
     Lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there. 
     Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a 
fight over what flavor of unix is better.
     Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have 
hardware/software companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered 
stuff.
     You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr are located.
     You know where Woz is. 
     You know 280North runs west, and 680N runs East. 
     Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay
Area, they only work on Powerpoint, and the company is still the 
embodiment of Satan.
     Even if their stock IS worth more than yours. 
     You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't fazed.
     When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just 
walk across the street.
     You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most 
major universities.
     You have to hire security to keep the panhandlers off your     
terrace (Oakland/Berkeley).
     None of the people you work with are bible thumpers.
     You scan yardsales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs".
     Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
     Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural 
twig-bars" right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix.      
     No one brings radios into work - they just use RealAudio and     
listen to thedj.com, rebelradio.com, other out of state stations. 
================================================
[From "Just Too Funny"]

There was an engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the
first time.  It was wonderful, the experience of his life.  He was
being waited on hand and foot.  But, it did not last.  A hurricane
came up unexpectedly.  The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island.  There was nothing else anywhere to be seen.  No person, no
supplies, nothing.  The man looked around.  There were some bananas
and coconuts, but that was it.  He was desperate and forlorn, but
decided to make the best of it.  So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship
to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking
for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.  Could 
it be true, was it a ship?  No, from around the corner of the island 
came this rowboat.  In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever 
seen, or at least seen in 4 months.  She was tall,  tanned, and her 
blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal 
quality.  She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and 
screaming to get her attention.  She rowed her boat towards him.  In 
disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from?  How did you get 
here"?  She sad, "I rowed from the other side of the island.  I 
landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.  How many
of you are there?  Where, did you get the rowboat?  You must have been
really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island",
replied the woman.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from
a eucalyptus tree".

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you
do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.  I found that
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron.  I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware.  But, enough of that", she said.  "Where do you
live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the
beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said.  So they both got into
the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach
to her place.  She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp
rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood
an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home.  Sit down please,
would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said  the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how
about a Pina Colada?"  Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on
the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom."  So, the man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bath room.  There in the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground
edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.  The
man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable."  So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.  After a short time,
the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and
smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time
with no companionship.  You know what I mean.  Have you been lonely,
is there anything that you really miss?  Something that all men and
woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Yes there is!" the man said, as he moved closer to the woman while
fixing a winsome gaze upon her.  "Are you trying to tell me that you
have an Internet connection, too?!"
================================================
[from John Mazarella, via "Just Too Funny"]

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd
be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and 
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage?  If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou,
he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him
to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other
name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he
married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes
Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then 
Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
(This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar
King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married 
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood
Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back
in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers
Lucky Short Guy."
================================================
[From: msthomps@juno.com, forwarded to REHU]

 The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican party is
 genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current
 issue of the journal "Nurture."  Reports of the gene that codes for
 political conservatism, discovered after a long study of quintuplets
 in Orange County, Calif., has sent shock waves through the medical,
 political, and golfing communities.

 Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
 unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from
 unhealthy family life -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans
 had authoritative, domineering fathers and emotionally distant
 mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. But
 biologists  have long suspected that conservatism is inherited.
 "After all," said one author of the "Nurture" article, "It's quite
 common for a Republican to have a brother or a sister who is a
 Republican."

 The finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of
 Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political
 views of otherwise lovable people -- their children, friends, and
 unindicted co-conspirators.

 One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on
 hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said,
 seated beside her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just knew
 that nobody would actually choose that life style!" When asked what
 the Republican life style was, she said, "Well, you can just tell
 from watching TV, like at the convention in Houston: the loud
 outfits, the flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant demagogy -- you
 know."

 Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early
 age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they
 became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

 Despite the near-certainty of the medical community of
 Republicanism's genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The
 "Nurture" article offered no response to the suggestion that the
 startlingly high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could
 result from the fact that they share not only genes but also
 psychological and emotional attitudes, being the products of the same
 parents and family dynamics.

 And it remains to be explained why so many avowed Democrats are known
 to vote Republican occasionally -- or at least to fantasize about
 doing so. Polls show that three out of five Democrats admit to having
 had a Republican experience. In well-adjusted people, however, this
 experimentation rarely outlasts adolescence.

 Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail the findings as a step
 forward rather than as an invitation to more conservophobia. They
 argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their unwholesome life
 style any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they
 shouldn't be denied civil rights to which normal people are entitled.

 Other Republicans, recalling 19th-century scientific studies that
 "proved" the mental inferiority of blacks, find the frenzied search
 for the biological cause of Republicanism pointless, if not downright
 sinister.

 But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a
 brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate
 Republicanism altogether.

 If conservatism is not the result of sheer orneriness (as many
 suspect) but is something Republicans can't help and probably don't
 even like, there's no reasons why we shouldn't tolerate Republicans
 in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't
 flaunt their political beliefs.
================================================
[forwarded by Amy]

PICKUP REBUTTALS

Man:   "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." 

Man:   "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know.  Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man:   "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." 

The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a girl to
dance and she refused: Man:   "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you."
Man:   "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

Man:   "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" 
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man:   "But I don't know your name." 
Woman: "That's in the phone book too." 
Man:   "So what do you do for a living?" 
Woman: "Female impersonator."

And here's one including the correct snappy return 
Man:   "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" 
Woman: "Unfertilized"

After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure." 

A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club
while she was in college with the line, " Where have you been all my
life?"  She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of
it, I probably wasn't born yet."

A friend came up with a very quick response over vacation... We were
walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked
by. She turned around and said "What are you looking at?"  My friend,
walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good
looking, but he was mistaken."
================================================
[from BJ Birdie on REHU]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the
dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

--  Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't
try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.  (A
simple shower curtain will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)

--  Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

--  Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw
the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying on your back in the water.

--  Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if
to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in
fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that
you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C.
Penney.)

--  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
 In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you have him,
however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and
rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water,
thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so don't expect too much.)

--  Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn
out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In
fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
through.  That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed
to your right leg.  You simply pop the drain plug with you foot,
reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.  If this happens, the
best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him
toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is
a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He might even
become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give
him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better. 
================================================
[by Peggy Althoff, via Udi, via HAND!]

              HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into
its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good
cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel
on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist
impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or
woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Pressits
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

ENGLISH

This Crazy Language, English, is the most widely used language in the
history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than
half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in
English. Of all the languages, it has the largest vocabulary perhaps
as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it --- English is
a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented
in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at
a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the
weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where
are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY
hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

                              Author unknown
================================================
