4/22/97
[from Uncle Scott, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major
status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this
and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she
realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so
she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she
was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the
snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water
just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked
up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted
afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he
woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He
gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,
and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where
he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps,
then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!" 
================================================
[From George Burns' last book, "100 Years, 100 Stories", via HAND!, 
via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

Eighty-four

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.  On one
visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities
through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going
to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he
said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night
of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.  Thank you, old
sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other
honorees went before the queen.  Finally they called his name.  He
knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and
then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight
different from all other knights?" 
================================================
[from the David & Virginia files, via HAND!]

  Q. What's the range of a tuba?
  A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

+------------------------------------+

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never
received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He
called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our
research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and
yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you
have to say for yourself?"  The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my
mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are
several times her annual income?  Do you know about my brother, the
disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair?  Do you know
about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving
her with three children?"  The charity solicitor admitted that he had
no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to
them, why should I give any to you?"

+------------------------------------+

A guy dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes
to a lawyer, explaining the problem. Lawyer says, "Hmm, so your
husband died without writing a will. Did he say anything to you
before he died?" "Yeah, he said 'Mary, you can't hit the broad side
of a barn with that thing, so put it down.'"

+------------------------------------+

A man came into a bar and ordered a beer. The waiter put a coaster
and a beer on the table. Ten minutes later the man ordered another
beer. The waiter brought him the beer and saw that the coaster had
disappeared. So he fetched another one.. Ten minutes later, another
beer. And again the coaster was missing. This time the waiter decided
he would not lay down another coaster.. "Hey" the man said, "where's
my cookie ?" 
================================================
[posted by BJ Birdie, on REHU]

>From the Strange but True archives

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked
out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken
ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man
they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck
the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel
within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air
Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one
of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge
of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and
hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to
manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and
themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they
crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet. 
================================================
[By Deborah and Loren Haarsma December, 1996]
(Copyright reserved by Deborah and Loren Haarsma. May be freely
distributed electronically in whole or in part, but please keep this
notice attached and do not alter the text.)

Parables for Modern Academia

The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who went off on a long
sabbatical. Before he left, he called together his graduate students
and gave each of them projects to work on; to one he gave five
projects, to another two, and to another one, each according to
their ability. The one who received five projects immediately went to
work, designing experiments, building equipment, and analyzing data.
She worked long and hard, and eventually she achieved good results on
each project. Likewise, the one who received two projects immediately
went to work, and eventually got results as well. But the student who
received one project was easily discouraged, got distracted by her
coursework, and eventually gave up.

After a very long time, the professor returned to settle accounts
with his students. The first student said, "Professor, you gave me
these projects to work on, and see, here are the results." And the
professor answered, "Well done, good and faithful graduate student.
You have been faithful over five projects. You shall be co-author on
five publications and receive a Ph.D.! (And you can expect a good
letter of recommendation, too!)" Likewise the second student showed
his results, and the professor said, "Well done, good and faithful
student. You have been faithful over two projects. You will be
co-author on two publications, and receive a Master's degree." 

But the third student came and said, "Professor, I know that you are
a harsh man, publishing where you did not labor, and claiming credit
where you did not contribute, and I was afraid. So I kept the lab
locked up and I didn't let anyone borrow any equipment. See,
everything is just the way you left it." Then the professor
answered, "You wicked and slothful graduate student! I will judge you
by your own words. So, you knew that I was a harsh man, publishing
where I did not labor, and claiming credit where I did not
contribute; well then, you should have at least gotten a teaching
fellowship so that I wouldn't have had to pay your salary out of my
research grants! Now depart from me and from this institution ... out
into the REAL world, and try to find a job. There you will have
weeping and gnashing of teeth."

For to everyone who has, more will be given. But to him who has not,
even what little he has will be taken away. (Matthew 25:14-30)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The kingdom of heaven is like an original manuscript in a used book
store. When a historian found it, she sold all her other books to buy
the manuscript. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a scientist
looking for new projects. When he found one theory of great promise,
he joyfully gave up all his other projects to focus on it. (Matthew
13:44-46)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Suppose one of you wants to start a research project. Will he not
first sit down and estimate if his grant is large enough to cover
the cost of equipment, salaries, and overhead? For if his grant runs
out halfway through, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying,
"This fellow began a project and was not able to finish." In the
same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be
Jesus' disciple. (Luke 14:28-29, 33)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The dean was speaking at a faculty meeting. One of the professors
stood up and asked, "What must I do to get tenure?" The dean replied,
"What does the faculty manual say?" The professor answered, "Do good
research, teach well, and mentor students." "You have answered
correctly," the dean replied. "Do this and you will get tenure."

But the professor wanted to justify himself, so he asked the dean,
"What does it mean to mentor students?" In reply the dean said: "One
term there was a student who was struggling in his courses. He went
to talk about it to the professor of one of his classes, but the
professor brushed him off with, "If you can't handle the work, you
should drop the course." The student then went to his academic
advisor, but she was on her way out the door to the airport and
didn't have time to talk. A custodian overheard the conversation,
and, seeing the discouragement of the student, invited him out for a
cup of coffee. It turned out the student was dealing with the death
of a family member, and the stress was affecting his personal life
as much as his studies. The custodian walked him to the counseling
center and arranged an appointment for him. He called the student
several times in the next few weeks to see how things were going,
and helped him think through whether to drop the courses or not. Now,
which one of these was the true mentor to the student?" The
professor replied, "The one who had mercy on him." The dean told him,
"Go and do likewise." (Luke 10:25-37)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 When you are writing a paper about exciting new data, do not
overstate the impact of your result. Someone else may come along
later with better data and prove you wrong, and then you will be
humiliated and your colleagues will not respect your work. But when
you have an exciting new result, be modest about its implications.
Then when the review paper comes out, it will say, "This is an
important piece of work," and you will be honored in the presence of
all your colleagues. For everyone who exalts himself will be
humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 14:7-11)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Obedience: There was a professor who had two grad students. She went
to the first and said, "Take care of this project for me." "I will
not," he answered, but later he changed his mind and did it. Then the
advisor went to the other grad student and said the same thing. She
answered, "I will do it," but she did not. Which of the two did what
the advisor wanted? (Mathew 21:28-31)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Appropriate religious observance: No one runs untested code on a
network server, for the code may crash and take down the server.
Likewise, no one puts old format data files into new databases. The
new database will be corrupted, and the data will be lost. No, you
put new-format data into new databases. (Mathew 9:14-17)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Responses to the gospel: A researcher published an exciting new
theory. Some readers didn't understand it, and quickly forgot it.
Other readers were too busy with their own work to test the new
theory. Others immediately went to work and got preliminary results,
but the difficulties of performing the proper controls and testing
for systematic errors discouraged them. Still others tested the
theory and produced not only confirming data, but also new data and
new theories to test. (Mathew 13:3-8, 18-23)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The kingdom of heaven is like a department chair checking on the
progress of the graduate students. She came to a graduate student
who was supposed to turn in his thesis that week, but had
procrastinated and hadn't started to analyze data yet. The department
chair reminded him that there was no more funding for him after this
term. The grad student pleaded with her. "Be patient with me," he
begged, "and I will finish the thesis by the deadline." The
department chair took pity on him, and told him she would let him
re-enroll and would find money somewhere for another term. But when
the graduate student went out, he ran into one of the undergraduates
in the course he was grading. He yelled at the student, "Where is
your homework? It's a day late!" The undergraduate begged him, "Be
patient with me, and I will turn it in tomorrow." But the grad
student refused and said, "No. I'm giving you a zero and you're
failing the course!" When the other students saw what had happened,
they were greatly distressed and went and told the department chair
everything that had happened. Then the chair called the graduate
student in. "You wicked student," she said, "I forgave you for
procrastinating on your thesis because you begged me. Shouldn't you
have had mercy on the undergraduate just as I had on you?" In anger
the chair expelled him from the department, to find a job until he
could finish his thesis. This is how the heavenly Father will treat
each of us unless we forgive our brothers from the heart. (Mathew
18:23-35)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 In a certain department there was a chairman who neither feared God
nor cared about students. There was a student in that department who
kept coming to him with the plea, "Grant me justice in my petition."
For some time he refused, but finally he said to himself, "Even
though I don't fear God or care about students, yet because this
student keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that
she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!" Listen to what the
unjust department chair says. Will not God bring about justice for
his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep
putting them off? I tell you he will see that they get justice, and
quickly. (Luke 18:2-8)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The kingdom of heaven is like a student who left one research group
to work in another. His former advisor was demanding and
manipulative; she coerced the student to continue to work on her
projects without pay, threatening not to acknowledge his work in the
publication. The student's new advisor called a group meeting, but
the student was too ashamed to come. He had no new results to
report, for he had spent all his time on the old advisor's projects.
When the professor asked where he was, the other students explained.
The professor was frustrated and said, "This has been going on for
months! He'll never be able to pull away on his own. Tell him that
if he has any trouble with the other professor, I will handle it. I'm
paying his salary and I want him to spend his time working for me."
(based on a true story)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 There was a biology professor whose graduate student was accused of
wasting time. So she called him in and asked him, "What is this I
hear about you? Give an account of what you have done because you
cannot be my student any longer."

The student said to himself, "What shall I do now? My professor is
taking away my funding. I don't have good enough work habits to get
a real job, and I'm too proud to move back in with my parents. I know
what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, other research groups
will hire me as a technician."

So he called each of his professor's competitors. He asked the
first, "How much of that gene have you cloned so far?" "Only about 40
percent," she replied. The student answered, "I'll tell you the
parts that you're missing." Then he asked the second, "Have you
decided what experiments you're going to do next?" "We're still
deciding that," the second replied. The student answered, "I'll tell
you what ideas we've discussed in our lab."

The professor commended the dishonest student because he had acted
shrewdly. For the people of light should be just as shrewd in doing
good as the people of this world are in doing evil. (Luke 16:1-8,
Mathew 10:16)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The grant proposals of a certain professor were all approved. She
thought to herself, "What shall I do? My lab space isn't big enough
for all these projects." Then she said, "This is what I'll do. I'll
get brand new lab space and hire many new post-docs and graduate
students. And I'll say to myself, 'You have tenure and many research
projects which will produce papers for years to come. Take life easy;
go to conferences and take sabbaticals.'"

But God said to her, "You fool! This very night your life will be
demanded of you. Then who will get what you have prepared for
yourself?" This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things
for himself but is not rich towards God. (Luke 12:16-21)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The kingdom of heaven is like an array of sensors left to monitor an
experiment. When the experiment was over, the scientists downloaded
the data. They saved the data from the good sensors for further
analysis, and threw away the data from the bad sensors. This is how
it will be at the end of the age. (Mathew 13:47-50)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a programmer who started many
processes on her computer. While everyone was sleeping, a hacker
broke in and started some counterfeit jobs, which began using some
of the CPU time. The programmer's assistants said, "Didn't you start
useful jobs on the computer? Where then did these counterfeits come
from?" "A hacker did this, " she replied. The assistants asked her,
"Do you want us to kill the jobs?" "No," she answered, "because
while you are killing them, some good processes might be interrupted
by accident. Let them all go to completion. Then we will purge every
counterfeit process from the disk and memory, and save the results
of every good process onto permanent tape." (Mathew 13:24-30)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who had many papers to
grade. She asked her teaching assistants to start helping her early
in the morning, and agreed to take them all out to dinner when the
grading was finished. About mid-morning she realized she would need
more help, so when she saw other graduate students standing in the
hallway doing nothing, she asked them to help her, and agreed to
reward them appropriately. Again at noon she found other graduate
students eating lunch, and got them to help her, and again at
mid-afternoon. About 5 p.m. she found still others and asked, "Why
are you standing around doing nothing? Come and help me grade my
papers."

When they were finished grading, the professor took them all to a
restaurant. When she paid for the dinners of those who had started
work at 5 o'clock, those who started early in the morning expected
to receive more. But when she only paid for their dinner too, they
began to grumble, "These others who only worked one hour got just as
much as we did, who slaved all day over those papers." But the
professor answered, "I am not being unfair to you. You got what we
agreed upon. I want to give the students who only graded one hour as
much as I gave you. Don't I have that right? Or are you envious
because I am generous?"

So the last will be first and the first will be last. (Mathew
20:1-16)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 The kingdom of heaven is like a college president who was hosting a
banquet for an important donor. He sent announcements to all the
important administrators and faculty, but they all began to make
excuses. The first said, "I just received some new lab equipment, and
I want to try it out, so I cannot come." Another said, "My book just
got published, and I must make sure the bookstores and libraries have
copies, so I cannot come." Still another said, "I'm on sabbatical, so
I cannot come."

When the RSVP's came back, the president was angry and told his
assistant, "Go quickly into the classrooms, dorms, and offices and
bring in the graduate students, undergraduates, and staff." "Sir,"
said the assistant, "what you ordered has been done, but the banquet
hall still isn't full." Then the president said, "Go to other
colleges down the road, and invite them to come! The banquet hall
must be filled! I tell you, not one of those who were invited first
will be let in the door." (Luke 14:16-24)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 How can a student, whom her professor put in charge of his research
projects, be faithful and wise? It will be good if the professor
finds the research assistant working hard when he returns; surely, he
will give her an excellent recommendation. But suppose that research
assistant is wicked and says to herself, "My professor is staying
away a long time," and she begins to misuse the equipment and spend
her time surfing the web. The professor will walk into the lab on a
day she does not expect and at an hour when she is not aware. He will
reprimand and humiliate the student and take away her funding; then
there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Mathew 24:45-51)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten students waiting
for a professor to return to his office. They needed his signature
to add his course, and the forms were due early the next day. Five
were wise and five were foolish. The wise ones brought something to
eat while they waited, but the foolish ones did not. The professor
was a long time in coming, and as they waited all afternoon, they got
very hungry. The foolish ones said, "Give us some of your food." But
the wise ones answered, "No, we only brought enough for ourselves,
and there isn't enough to share. Go to the cafeteria and buy
something." But while they were on their way to the cafeteria, the
professor arrived. He signed the forms of those who were waiting,
then locked his office and went home. Later that evening, the others
telephoned him at home and said, "Sir! Sir! Come back and sign our
forms." But he replied, "I tell you the truth, you are not my
students." Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or
the hour. (Mathew 25:1-13)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
 Therefore, whoever hears these teachings and puts them into practice
is like a wise scholar who built his theory upon data. The criticisms
came down, the controversies rose, and the counter-arguments blew and
beat against the theory, but it did not fall apart, because it had
its foundation in data. But whoever hears these teachings and does
not put them into practice is like a foolish scholar who built his
theory upon conjecture. The criticisms came down, the controversies
rose, and the counter-arguments blew and beat against the theory, and
it failed spectacularly. (Mathew 7:24-27)

(Copyright reserved by Deborah and Loren Haarsma. May be freely
distributed electronically in whole or in part, but please keep this
notice attached and do not alter the text.) 
================================================
[from Lord Pierce, on REHU]


It started out innocently enough.  I began to think at parties now and
then to loosen up.  Inevitably though,  one thought led to another,
and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
wasn't true.  Thinking became more and more important to me, and
finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.  I began to avoid friends at
lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.  I would return to the
office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are
doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either.  One evening I had
turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.  She
spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.  One day the boss called
me in.

He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't stop thinking on
the job, you'll have to find another job."  This gave me a lot to
think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" 

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." 

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.  "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so
if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to
cry. I'd had enough.  "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I
stomped out the door.  I headed for the library, in the mood for
some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio.  I roared into the
parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. 
The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me
that night.  As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.  You
probably recognize that line.  It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.  I never
miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."  Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot
better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I
stopped thinking. 
================================================
[from Moatman, on REHU]

The Last Will and Testament as a Heuristic Device

I have nothing but contempt for parents who attempt to buy the love
of their children. This is fruitless and un-Christian -- nay,
irreligious. On the other hand, one would be remiss in raising
children who do not know where the bottom line is. Therefore, I
commend to your our method. 

We have advised out two sons that our will is written to give our
entire estate to one of them, with not one red cent to the other. We
have told them that our will is changed approximately 20 times per
year, at random intervals, and that they will not be told when such
revisions take place. And finally, we have told them that our will
leaves everything to the son who has been most helpful, attentive,
and loving RECENTLY. Past records do not count. Only RECENT conduct.

It is simply amazing how loving, helpful, and attentive those boys
have become. 
================================================
[posted on REHU]

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The '90s
 by Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
 
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans-that sort of person. But a growing number
are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say
they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays
home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction? 

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a
single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less
important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to
a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
 
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people,
each with its own evolutionary destiny:

Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work
in tech support).

Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use
hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This
group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and
operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct. 

Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists. Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide
which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't
want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You
want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with
evolution potential. 

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better
if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll
ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's
say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh
month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great
listener for the next 70 years. 

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still
look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy
glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen. 

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I
realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's
the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their
hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness-a sign of
elevated testosterone-or (2) unkempt jungle hair-the kind you see
only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If
this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone. 

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at
tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question:
everybody but the tourists.) 

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according
to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
aphrodisiac. You could argue with me-I'm just a cartoonist-but it's
hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about
satisfying women. 

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice. 

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's
stupid, I've got 100 words to go. 

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA
monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then
I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use
the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in
front of a PC in his underwear. 

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. 
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article. 

================================================
[from GreGORY, on REHU]

The Washington Post contest:  Best Reasons for not coming to work

- If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work.  The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).  I
was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. 
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

- My stigmata's acting up.

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T, but thank you for
calling.

- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth.  Legally, I
shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain
false information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me
this  jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace.  One day should do it.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house  is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange
for helicopter transportation.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with
our  sick son.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a
commuter tax.  I insist on paying my fair share.

- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning.  You sure I should
come in? 
================================================
[from jr mazarella, via "Just Too Funny"]

A CIA agent is suspeted of passing important secrets to the
Russians. Great. Now EVERYBODY's going to know how to sell crack.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My grandma was cleaning out her house a couple of months ago and she
found this on an ancient piece of paper, so it is very hard for me
to read and it may or may not make sense at times.

        "An Essay on Donkeys"

Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man,
and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that
they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they
can't keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly
called an ass.  Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look
at twice, others have extraordinary asses.  The mayor has an ass that
nobody looks at twice, but his wife has a beautiful ass.  People who
really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses that they
have ever seen.  Men often stop her on the way to the market to pat
her ass.  On Sunday they all go to church on their asses.  Sometimes
the girls ride the boys asses and somtimes the boys ride the girls
asses. Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave
immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it
handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window.  During the
service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass.  The
preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but
there was a big hole and he fell inot it --- Which goes to show that
even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has
collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books
- Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a
few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some
transquips:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
   first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
   pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
   first name!
 --------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
 --------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
 --------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 --------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
 --------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
 --------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
 --------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
   Cherney, and said he was really good.
 --------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
 --------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
 --------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
 --------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
 --------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
   influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
 --------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me." 
Q. Did he kill you? 
A. No.
 --------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
 --------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
           information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
 --------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
 --------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
   able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
   go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
   him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
 --------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?  What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
 --------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
 --------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there
   was a victim?
 --------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
 --------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
   indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
 --------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
   observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.
 --------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
 --------
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
   defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch -
   and she did!
 --------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
 --------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
 --------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
 --------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
 --------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
   witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
 --------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
 --------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
 --------
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

================================================
[from Tom Lewis]

Jesus vs. Elvis 


Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) 
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) 

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. 
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. 

Jesus was part of the Trinity. 
Elvis' first band was a trio. 

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) 
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) 

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. 
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. 

Jesus was resurrected. 
Elvis had a famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. 

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."
(John 7:37) 
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) 

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. 
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for 
breakfast) 

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) 
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) 

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to 
Matthew) 
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden 
Tribute) 

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as
snow." (Matthew 28:3) 
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. 
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. 

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate        
Conception. 
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate 
Conception High School. 

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. 
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still 
considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere. 
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. 

Jesus wore a crown of thorns. 
Elvis wore a Royal Crown hair style.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters. 

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for. 
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or       
"Aaron". 

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a 
gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold
through TV. 

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." 
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. 
================================================
[from "Laugh Of The Day", via "Wit & Wisdom"]

SIGNS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BAD DAY

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

 . . . you wake up face down on the pavement.

 . . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

 . . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

 . . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes
out of your city.

 . . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you
realize that you don't have a water bed.

 . . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

 . . . you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that
reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

 . . . You wake up and your braces are locked together.

 . . . You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of
your business

 . . . Your income tax refund check bounces.

 . . . You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

 . . . Your pet rock snaps at you.

================================================
[from Jan, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

     Piles
     -----

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.  The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and
says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the
Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy,
"And you're in charge of supplies."

"Now, I have to leave for a little while.  I expect you guys to make
a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched.  He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you
sweep any of it?"  The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You
said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared
and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't
shovel.  The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You
left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile
of sand looking for the Chinese guy.  Just then, the Chinese guy
springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!" 
================================================
[from Naomi, via "Just Too Funny!"] - this one's going in the regular 
file eventually, but I'm out of RJs, so .....

During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated
herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with
the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

"Excuse me," she said to the manager.  "My name is Mrs. Goldstein,
and I'd like a small room for two weeks."

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are
occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein.  "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, Madam.  I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.  No
Jews allowed."

"Jewish?  Who's Jewish?  I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe.  Let me ask you, who was the Son of
God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."

"Where was he born?"

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his
hotel!" 
================================================
[from Susan Smith, via RISG-L, via REHU]

**** MARRIAGE ***

A successful man is one who makes more money
 than his wife can spend.
A successful woman in one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
    engagement ring
    wedding ring
    suffering

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I  don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie.  The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.  The man thinks
for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat
me half to death."

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be
late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the
microwave.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelery.

How do most men define marriage?  A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
for it."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!"  The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I
wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.

Cosmetics:  A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the
lines.

Words to live by :  Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute. 

Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life
begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves
out and the dog he left behind dies.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I
got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you
were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health start failing, you were
still by my side. When I think about it now..... I think you bring me
bad luck!"

Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?"
Bored wife: "Because I married the wrong man."

First Guy (proudly):  "My wife's an angel!"   
Second Guy: "You're lucky...mine's still alive."

Marriage is grand......and divorce is about 10 grand.

Married life is very frustrating.  In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.  In the second year, the woman 
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and 
the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of 
one thing;  either the car is new or the wife.

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy
say to his wife: "Pass the sugar, Honey" and "Pass the honey, Sugar."
He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.  So, the morning when
he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the
bacon, Pig."

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your
bags, I've won the lottery!"  The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack
clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack 'em all....you're
leaving!"

A couple came upon a wishing well.  The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too.  But
she leaned over too much, fell into the well and drowned. The husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works." 

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you
finish.
================================================
[from HAND!]

     Which of These Guys is The Biggest Jerk?

                      "555-4822" by Patrick Hanifin

Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it.  A man
answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick
Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"  Suddenly the
phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be
that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She
had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
there on my desk.  I decided to call it again.  When the same person
once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to
his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
'You're a jerk!"  It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the
phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a real disappointment
for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an
idea.  I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up
a name.  "Hi.  This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just
calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He
went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it.  Just dial 555-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave.  Finally
her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall.  I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out.  Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started honking my
horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.  I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me.  He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks
in this world.  I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window
of his car.  I wrote down the number.  Then I hunted for another
place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 555-4822 and yelling, "You're a
jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial).  I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
street.  It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I
said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good
time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can
I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!"  And I slammed
the phone down.  After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my
speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had
a problem I had two jerks to call.  Then after several months of
calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to
seem like an obligation.  It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to
be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk
said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling
me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don
Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow
house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over
right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like
I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street.  After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house.  There were two guys fighting out
front.  Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.
The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they
said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of
jerks!" 
================================================
[from Aditya Mishra, on REHU]

Dear John,

As you know, We've been working real hard in our town to get prayer
back in our schools. Finally, the school board approved a plan of
teacher-led prayer with the children participating at their own
option. Children not wishing to participate were to be allowed to
stand out in the hallway during prayer time. We hoped someone would
sue us so we could go all the way to the supreme court and get the
old devil-inspired ruling reversed.

Naturally, we were all excited by the school board action. As you
know, our own little Billy (not so little, any more though) is now in
the second grade. Of course, Margaret and I explained to him no
matter what the other kids did, he was going to stay in the classroom
and participate.

After the first day of school, I asked him "how did the prayer time
go?" "Fine. "Did many kids go out into the hallway?" "Two. "Excellent.
How did you like your teachers prayer?" "It was different, dad. Real
different from the way you pray." "Oh? Like how?" "She said,'Hail Mary
mother of God, pray for us sinners...'"

The next day I talked with the principal. I politely explained I
wasn't prejudiced against Catholics but I would appreciate Billy
being transferred to a non-Catholic teacher. The principal said it
would be done right away.

At supper that evening I asked Billy to say the blessings. He slipped
out of his chair, sat cross-legged, closed his eyes, raised his hand
palms up in the air and began to hum.

You'd better believe I was at the principal's office at eight o'clock
the next morning. "Look," I said. 'I don't really know much about
these Transcendental Meditationists, but I would feel a lot more
comfortable If you could move Billy to a room where the teacher
practices an older, more established religion.

That afternoon I met Billy as soon as he walked in the door after
school.

"I don't think you're going to like Mrs. Nakasone's prayer, either,
Dad." "Out with it." "She kept calling O Great Buddha..."

The following morning I was waiting for the principal in the school
parking lot.

"Look, I don't want my son praying to the Eternal Spirit of whatever
to Buddha. I want him to have a teacher who prays in Jesus' name!"
"What about Bertha Smith?" "Excellent."

I could hardly wait to hear about Mrs. Smith's prayer. I was standing
on the front steps of the school when the final bell rang.

"Well?" I asked Billy as we walked towards the car.

"Okay." 
"Okay what?" 
"Mrs. Smith asked God to bless us and ended her prayer in Jesus' 
name, amen just like you."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Now we're getting some place."

"She even taught us a verse of scripture about prayer," said Billy.

I beamed. "Wonderful. What was the verse?"

"Lets see..." he mused for a moment. "And behold, they began to pray;
and they did pray unto Jesus, calling him their Lord and their God."

We had reached the car. "Fantastic," I said reaching for the door
handle. Then paused. I couldn't place the scripture. "Billy, did Mrs.
Smith say what book that verse was from?"

"Third Nephi, chapter 19, verse 18."
"Nephi what?"
"Nephi," he said. "It's in the Book of Mormon.

The school board doesn't meet for a month. I've given Billy very
definite instructions that at prayer time each day he's to go out
into the hallway. I plan to be at that board meeting. If they don't
do something about this situation, I'LL sue. I'LL take it all the way
to the Supreme Court if I have to. I don't need schools or anybody
else teaching my son about religion. We can take care of that
ourselves at home and at church, thank you very much.

Give my love to Sandi and the boys.

Your buddy,
Juan
CALVARY BAPTIST CHURCH
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch offices. The person who wrote it was very serious, but
the rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it preform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off
method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of
ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel or removing these
necessary items.

To reorder, specify one of the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
================================================
[from karl on REHU.  Not very funny, but a good story nevertheless.]

Lorenzo Dow was a colorful preacher of the family of Christ a century
and a half ago or so, I believe.

It seems he was going to preach in South Carolina, under a large
spruce tree, when he found a boy blowing a long tin horn, and was
pretty good at it.  

Dow:  What's your name, young man?

Boy:  Gabriel, sir.

Dow:  Have you been to Church Hill?

Gab:  Yes sir, many times.

Dow:  Do you remember a big spruce pine tree on that hill?

Gab:  Yes, I know the tree.

Dow:  Did you know that Lorenzo Dow will preach under that tree
tomorrow?

Gab:  Oh, yes, everybody knows that.

Dow:  Well, Gabriel, I am Lorenzo Dow, and if you'll take your horn
and go tomorrow morning, and climb up into that pine tree and hide
yourself among the branches before the people begin to gather, and
wait there till I call your name, and then blow such a blast with
your horn as I heard you blow a minute ago, I'll give you a dollar. 
Will you do it, Gabriel?

Gab:  Yes, Mr. Dow, I'll take the dollar.

Gabriel was hid away in the tree top in due time.  An immense
congregation of all sizes and colors assembled at the hour, and Dow
preached on the judgment of the last day.  By his words he brought
the crowd up to the opening scenes of resurrection, ready for the
trumpet calls to wake the sleeping nations.  

Dow:  Then supposing, my dying friends, that this should be the
hour. Suppose you should hear at this moment the sound of Gabriel's
trumpet?

Sure enough, at that moment the trumpet sounded.  Women screamed,
and fainted.  Men sprang up and just looked bewildered and
frightened. Some ran, some cried and begged for mercy.

Dow just watched the scene until some astute person spied the boy in
the tree, and started after him.

Dow:  I forbid all persons present from touching that boy up there.
If a boy with a tin horn can frighten you almost out of your wits,
what will you do when you hear the trumpet thunder of the archangel?
How will you be able to stand in the great day of the wrath of God? 
================================================
[found by Brian]

"Sincerity is the most important thing in all relationships. Once
you can fake that, you've got it made." - Oscar Wilde 

"And I gave him the best two weeks of my life." - Joe Tully 

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." -
Anonymous 

"I used to think I never made mistakes, but I was mystaken." -
Anonymous 

"[Sir, you're drunk!] Yes, madam, but in the morning I'll be sober
and you'll still be ugly!" - Winston Churchill 

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." - Tom Servo 

"If you don't grow up by age 35, you don't have to." - James Gurney 

"If God had meant us to be naked, we would have been born that way"
- Craig Taverner 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." -
Tom Waits 

"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but
in practice there is." - Rico Cozzio

"There is nothing to it. You only have to hit the right note at the
right time, and the instrument plays itself." - Johann Sebastian
Bach 

"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no
singers!" - Gioacchino Rossini 

"Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of
dying, he sings." - Robert Benchley 

"In opera, there is always too much singing." - Claude Debussy 

"Wagner's music is actually better than it sounds." - Mark Twain 

"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and
I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time." - Gioacchino
Rossini

"A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well
that no one would find fault with what he had done." - Cardinal
Newman 

"When I feed the poor, they call me saint. When I ask why the poor
do not have food, they call me communist." - Archbishop Camaran 

"The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and
stupidity." - Anonymous 

=================================
Finally, a bunch on computational chemistry.  Take careful note of 
WHO said these and WHEN! 

Computational Chemistry

"We are perhaps not far removed from the time when we shall be able
to submit the bulk of chemical phenomena to calculation." - Joseph
Louis Gay-Lussac, Memoires de la Societe d'Arcueil 2:207 (1808) 

"Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of
chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and
contrary to the spirit of chemistry. If mathematical analysis should
ever hold a prominent place in chemistry - an aberration which is
happily almost impossible - it would occasion a rapid and widespread
degeneration of that science." - A. Comte, Philosophie Positive,
1830. 

"All of chemistry, and with it crystallography, would become a
branch of mathematical analysis which, like astronomy, taking its
constants from observation, would enable us to predict the character
of any new compound and possibly the source from which its formation
might be anticipated." - Charles Babbage, 1838 

"The underlying physical laws necessary for the mathematical theory
of a large part of physics and the whole of chemistry are thus
completely known, and the difficulty is only that the application of
these laws leads to equations much too complicated to be soluble." -
P. Dirac, Proc. Roy. Soc (London) 123:714 (1929) 
================================================
[from Nancy M. Piatkowski, on REHU]

Thirteen Burning Questions:

1.  If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby
OJ Simpson, could we then get an actual guilty verdict?

2.  Are the Pope and his clone both infallible? What if they
disagree on something?

3.  If you cloned a prehistoric monster that destroyed Tokyo,
wouldn't that be playing Godzilla?

4.  Should we clone Generation Xers so there will be enough of them
to support Social Security when I retire?

5.  If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV, Jr, or
Henry IV Part II?

6.  If Hare Krishnas started cloning themselves, how would the rest
of us know?

7.  Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and
"irregulars"?

8.  Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our Founding
Fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme
park called Clonial Williamsburg?

9. Is it true that if I clone myself four times, one of us will be
Chinese? (One in five people on the planet is Chinese.)

10. So... say I secretly cloned Bill Gates and raised the clone to
trust me completely and then I killed Bill Gates and replaced him
with the clone and then I had the clone make me his sole beneficiary
and then I killed the clone. Would this be a bad thing to do?

11. If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show,
wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we all can look
forward to?

12. Could they clone Al Gore or would he have to be grafted?

13. Some people might keep a clone of themselves in deep freeze, for
organ transplants. How many Boris Yeltsins would be needed for an
adequate supply of livers? 
================================================
[from REHU]

My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in
the band."         -- Steven Wright
+------------------------------+
[from Amy]

If Heidi Fleiss married (yeah sure!) Don Ho, she'd be Heidi Ho.

If Pearl Buck married Red Buttons she'd be Pearl Buttons.

+------------------------------+
[from jr mazarella on REHU]

During a long car trip several of us were discussing the
pre-millenium tendenacy for suicides.  Some one asked me why and I
said that before the last millenium some committed suicide because
they feared the end of the world was coming and they wanted to beat
the rush into heaven; that there might be so many souls trying to get
into heaven at the end of the world that there would be a crowd and
many souls would be trampled in the mob.

My friend Darlene turned to me and asked "So what happens if you're
trampled trying to get into heaven, do you wake up at a Who concert?" 
+------------------------------+ 
[from Brian]

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the
bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off." 
+------------------------------+ 
[forwarded by Brian]

> If a man speaks in the forrest and a woman is not present...
>   Is the man still wrong?

Of course he is.  Don't you know that?  It's on the first page of
the married man's handbook, which of course has been backordered for
zillions of years, so I'm not surprised you didn't get that one ....

The one you should know as a weapon is the two All Purpose Excuses,
which work.  Try them some time ....

The woman's all purpose excuse is "I was hungry."
The man's all purpose excuse is "I'm stupid."

Ex.
 Why did you buy that dress when you know we're nearly overdrawn? 
  "I was hungry."
 Why did you run over the cat? 
  "I was hungry."
 Why did you bash the car into the tree?
  "I was hungry."
 Why don't you lay down when you have a headache?
  "Because I'm hungry."

It works every time.

Now for the man:

 "Why didn't you mow the lawn this morning?"
  "I'm stupid."
 "Why do you want to pile yourself in front of the ...."
  "I'm stupid."
 "Why don't you ever listen to me?"
  "I'm stupid."
+------------------------------+ 
[posted on AngFran-L by Joy Antonio]

YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
WHEN...

- He/she names his Hamsters "I", "B", "M"

- He's been in bed all week with a computer virus

- During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel

- He calls you "www dot daddy dot com"  or "www dot mommy dot com"

			Forward me to www dot God! 
				Joy
+------------------------------+ 
The DWORD for Friday, April 25th 1997:

DWORD:   Under Mouse Arrest

Meaning: Getting busted for violating an online service's 
         rule of conduct.

Source:  Giggles mailing list

================================================
[from the http://www.bandersnatch.com website]

                             SCHOOL OF DIVINITY


The General Delivery University School of Divinity is affiliated
with the First Church of Generic Beliefs. The First Church of Generic
Beliefs is committed to ending religious-based conflict by merging
the best of all known religions into one generic religion that
everyone can belong to. The First Church of Generic Beliefs is in the
process of completing its first important religious document, which
is a "best of" compilation from the Old Testament, the New Testament,
the Koran, and other important religious works. Due to potential
disagreement over the selection of materials for this document, the
authors have insisted on remaining anonymous.

People who wish to obtain a Doctor of Divinity Degree from GDU
merely have to send $25 by money order or cashier's check, made
payable to the GDU.

GENERIC RELIGIOUS STUDIES PROGRAM

GENREL 102: HELL Virtually all religions have some defined
unpleasant place where the wicked are punished for the misdeeds.
Various forms of Hell will be studied, ranging from Dante's Inferno
to having to watch a shopping channel on cable tv. Fee: Your soul.

GENREL 103: COMMUNICATIONS FROM GOD Most religions are centered
around communications from God, which generally focus on individuals
who then must spread the word around (making one wonder why, if God
is almighty, he needs messengers). How to determine whether God is
speaking to you, or do you need to increase your medication. Fee:
$50,000.00. [Creation of Web Page optional]

GENREL 104: BINGO An almost universal attribute of religions are
their diverse ways of raising funds. Bingo, selling seats for the
High Holy Days, and other fund-raising programs are covered. Fee: 10%
of your annual income.

GENREL 105: CREATION All religions have creation stories. This
comprehensive course will review as many creation stories as
possible, including those which end with the garbage left over from
the creation process becoming the enemies of the people with the
creation story. Also, a good chance to study the origin of gender
conflict. Fee: $50.00. 
================================================
[from the http://www.bandersnatch.com website]


                              THE CREATION OF

                    THE FIRST CHURCH OF GENERIC BELIEFS

                                By Joe Sam

The following is a Revelation. Unlike past Revelations which were
associated with burning bushes, thunder, or long periods of
starvation, this Revelation occurred while walking past a home that
had been converted into a church of vague denomination, which had two
brand new Cadillacs in the garage.

                                   * * *

The history of religion has been like the growth of a tree, with new
branches, sects, and splinters peeling and growing away from a former
creed. Or seeds falling on the ground growing into new dogmas.

This constant process of fission has spawned innumerable Protestant
churches as well as a wide spectrum of virtually every possible
religious belief that someone could write down or broadcast. It is
time to reverse the trend, and bring all religions back under the
same umbrella. Instead of concentrating on the differences between
one belief and another (which is often fatal in places like Northern
Ireland) there should be one all-embracing religion that concentrates
on the good stuff from all beliefs, and avoids the sorts of
differences in theology that leads to violence.

There should be the First Church of Generic Beliefs whose principal
creed is Eclecticism.

Diety: One basic unifying factor of all religions is the belief in a
Diety. All religions acknowledge the existence of a Diety--they just
disagree on what he or she looks like, and what language the Diety
prefers to speak.

In truth, God is so far beyond the comprehension of mere humans that
the Diety can be whatever one wishes. If God doesn't like a
particular personification, He/She can set the matter straight by
some Divine Intervention (such as having your tax-exempt status
revoked). Thus the first creed of the First Church of Generic Beliefs
shall be that there is a Diety, the definition of which is left up to
one's own particular imagination and ability to relate to that Diety.

Good and Evil: The second common element of religions involves the
concept of Good and Evil. Good and Evil are often personified by the
Diety on the good side, and Satan or his equivalent on the Evil side.

One of the major purposes of a religion is to define Good and Evil,
and thus set some standards for people so they know the difference
between the two.

The second creed of the First Church of Generic Beliefs shall be that
there is Good and there is Evil. One should aspire to being Good, and
avoid Evil insofar as possible. The specifics of what constitutes
"Good" as opposed to "Evil" is left to the individual, though all
religions provide excellent examples of each. Pick the ones that suit
you, though it's hard to beat the Ten Commandments.

One can personify "Good" and "Evil" in many ways. Gandhi and Rush
Limbaugh are examples of "Good" to some people". Network television
executives, lawyers and Rush Limbaugh are examples of "Evil" to
other people.

"Good" can be seen in a society which nurtures its children, and
"Evil" is often associated with allowing guns to be carried by
children.

                                   * * *

Beyond the essential ingredients of an all-purpose religion, there
are many operational and functional matters to consider.

One must never confuse belief in a Religion with belief in a Diety,
as the former always requires some kind of donation. (cf. Mark Twain)
However, for any self-respecting Church to spread the Word, it must
have a means to transfer some of the wealth of its flock to the
Church.

The First Church of Generic Beliefs has available to it the most
effective means of fund raising from a host of existing religions,
including tithes, selling seats for services on major holidays, and
bingo. People have been exceedingly creative in religious
fund-raising.

Another aspect of a Church that must be addressed is how to
distinguish the clergy from the congregation. Most religions use some
sort of costume, such as robes, pointed hats or leisure suits, to
identify their priesthood or equivalent. The First Church of Generic
Beliefs shall adopt the concept of costuming its shepherds, leaving
the appropriate mode of dress for the individual cleric.

A common feature of most religions is some sort of initiation
ceremony. You can't just say "I'm a member" and expect to use the
costly facilities housing the Church. The First Church of Generic
Beliefs shall provide that all would-be members must go through some
sort of initiation, just so long as the process is not fatal. A
generous contribution to the Church should qualify most initiates.

Religions also usually have a means to disaffiliate someone who
commits heresy. Heresy is usually defined as a point of view
differing from that of whomever is running the religion at the time.
The First Church of Generic Beliefs shall recognize the potential for
heresy, but leave the specifics to a future time and circumstance
(though it is hard to imagine anyone being able to advocate heresy in
a generic religion). All that is required is that any excommunication
process not be fatal to the parties involved, and that someone can be
reinstated with a modest contribution to the Church Building Fund.

Religions also use symbols as a sort of trademark to differentiate
one brand of religion from another. Over the millennia various
religions have used stone idols, people stapled to trees, and stars
to identify themselves.

The First Church of Generic Beliefs shall have two trademarks: the
Umbrella, and the uniform computer pricing code.

There are important tasks to be performed to establish the First
Church of Generic Beliefs.

First, you must get a tax exemption from the Internal Revenue
Service. Though God Almighty Himself may be the founder of a true
religion, unless you can get a tax exemption from the United States
of America even the Lord cannot help you raise money. It is wise not
to own bowling alleys and shopping malls, at least during the initial
phase of establishing the Church.

Second, you must form a committee and establish a series of Generic
Religious Holidays. There should be a minimum of at least one happy
holiday around the Winter Solstice celebrating the New Year, a
holiday celebrating the return of Spring, and at least one holiday of
at least a day's duration during which members indulge in
retrospection about how rotten they've been the previous year, after
which they say they are sorry and perform good deeds as penance.
Several holidays involving fasting can be thrown in to attract the
weight conscious.

Third, you must buy a television station and lease a satellite
transponder so you can offer 24 hour a day Generic Religious
Programming on cable systems. Not only is this an excellent way to
raise money, given the competition for cable channels, the Generic
Religious Channel may be the only one a cable system has space for.
God may have invented the Heavens, but people figured out how to use
the skies to raise bucks.

Finally, and most importantly, the First Church of Generic Beliefs
must have a website.

Go forth and battle with the daemons of cyberspace.

And thus endeth the Revelation. 
================================================
[from the http://www.bandersnatch.com website]

                       THE 12 COMMANDMENTS OF FLAMING

                             by Chris Rolleston
                         (with slight modification)

1. Make things up about your opponent : It's important to make your
lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly".  
Eg. "Clearly, Major Bozo is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist : You're a smart person. You've heard
of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyse your opponent. "Jim Applegood (God Bless
You!), by using the word 'zucchini' in his posting, shows he has a
bad case of......"

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for 
the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION
to EZ-READER to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their  
breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that your're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a
conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a
favour by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
Yin and Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered
to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in
court, Didley."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Guido Milano states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should  
demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on  
Guido's pasta preferences, then Guido's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases : French is good, but Latin is the lingua
franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least
three times per article. Other favourite Latin phrases are "ad
nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," "fettucini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you are : Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell
them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got
an 800 on my SATs, LSATs,GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word
'premeiotic.' "

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an
American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as
guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit
your cross-posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a
communist, a fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence : You've never actually seen your opponent, 
have you? And since you're the center of the Universe, you should 
have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! 
This is the beauty of flamer's logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

12. When in doubt, insult : If you forget the other 11 rules,
remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a
flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
better than you. 
================================================
[from Kris Kettner via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

                       ** Internet vs Interstate **

There it is again.  Some clueless FOOL talking about the "Information
Superhighway."  They don't know JACK about the net.  It's NOTHING
like a Superhighway. That's a BAD metaphor.

Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the OTHER direction.  Suppose
the HIGHWAYS were like the NET. All right!  Severe craziness.  A
highway HUNDREDS of lanes wide.  Most with potholes.  Privately
operated bridges and overpasses.  No highway patrol.  A couple of
rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member VIGILANTE
POSSES with nuclear weapons. 237 ON RAMPS at every intersection.  NO
SIGNS. Wanna get to Ensenada?  Holler out the window at a passing
truck to ask directions. AD HOC traffic laws. Some lanes would VOTE
to make use by a single-occupant-vehicle a CAPITAL OFFENSE on Monday
through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00.  Other lanes would just SHOOT
you without a trial for talking on a car phone.

AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking BUS with hundreds of EBOLA
victims and a TOILET spewing out on the road behind it.  Throwing
DEAD WOMBATS and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have
been ASSEMBLED AT HOME from kits.  Some are 2.5 horsepower LAWNMOWER
ENGINES with a top speed of nine miles an hour.  Others burn
NITROGLYCERINE and IDLE at 120.

No license tags.  World War II BOMBER NOSE ART instead.  Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or VAMPIRE EAGLES.  Bumper mounted MACHINE
GUNS.  Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a WHITE
PHOSPHORUS GRENADE up your tailpipe.  Flatbed trucks with
ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILE BATTERIES to shoot down the WTCX Traffic Watch
helicopter.  A little kid on a tricycle with a squirt gun filled with
HYDROCHLORIC ACID.

NO OFFRAMPS.

Now THAT'S the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
================================================
[from http://www.cs.swarthmore.edu/~binde/religion/humor]

The Exegesis of Stop Signs

Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do
you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign with his bumper, ending
forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west
traffic. 

2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class
conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road
and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road. 

3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand
the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their
tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it
too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously
either. 

4. An average Catholic doesn't bother to read the sign, but he'll
stop if the car in front of him does. 

5. A fundamentalist, allowing the text to interpret itself, stops at
the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go. 

6. A suburban preacher looks up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and
discovers that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such
as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from
closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The
main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when
you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally
clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car. 

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: 

    1) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so 
that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law. 

    2) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, 
king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," 
wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidently, 
the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir 
says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: 
Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon 
ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave 
us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: 
Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord 
at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God." 
R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the 
Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run 
out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop 
at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For 
this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was 
judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. 
Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents 
tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. 
One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the 
sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began 
reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of 
the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come 
from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word 
is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs 
created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as 
signs." R. Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages] 

8. A Karaite does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he
waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with
1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated
whenever he touches the brake pedal. 

9. A Unitarian concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtably was
never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of
the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic
in its parking lot. 

10. A divinity professor notices that there is no stop sign on Mark
street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes
that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign
on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent
300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs
and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street
in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately
omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to
explain what the text means. 

11. A tenured divinity professor points out that there are a number
of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the
passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5
line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one
line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is
different from the author for the first part and probably lived
hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second
half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of
similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P". 

12. A rival scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would
fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he
neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to
its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the
intersection as though the stop sign were not there. 

13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, a later scholar
emends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to
understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of
stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occured because
"SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that
it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be
interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. 
================================================
[from http://www.bandersnatch.com/joke.htm]

                     TOASTERS

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people
bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim
a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. 

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would
jam your bread for you. 

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster,
but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to
build your own toaster. 

If University of Waterloo made toasters... They would immediately
spin off a company called WatToast. 

If ParcPlace made toasters... Their OO building block system would
be called EGGO. 

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible
with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd
discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant
Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance
was just blowing smoke. 

If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could
get a really good cuppa Java. 

Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the
'80s, didn't they? 

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse
Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. 

If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and
if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new
one. 

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast
64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. 

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be
faster than any there single-slice toaster in the world. 

If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large,
perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would
be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would
be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an
episode about it. 

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap
door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at
your toast for reasons of national security. 

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger
than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt. 

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small
quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on
toasting. 

If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a
hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a
Jack-in-the-box. 

If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive
another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted
Civil War pewter toaster. 

If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you
bought a six-pack of 'em. 

And, of course, If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a
loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to
take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works
with their toasters. 

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft
toaster does, but 5 years earlier. 
================================================
[from http://www.bandersnatch.com/joke.htm]

America is brimming with weird cults that defy logic. Yet they
attract believers like a fire attracts moths. Here is our Official
Guide to American Cults, so you'll know them when you encounter them:

2ND AMENDMENT This cult believes that it is a constitutional right to
carry semi-automatic weapons.Also known as the NRA. Probably would
die for their cause. 

MAC USERS A slowly dwindling group, strongly believes that Apple
computers are far superior to anything else on the planet. Only
suicidal if Apple goes out of business. 

CUBS FANS The word "fanatics" best describes these endlessly hopeful
followers of the Chicago Cubs.If the Cubs were to win the World
Series, many elderly members of this cult could die of heart attacks.

MICROSOFT EMPLOYEES An increasingly large group, this cult seeks to
dominate the world by following their maximum leader Bill Gates.
Mostly responsible for the deaths of millions of hard drives. 

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS IN THE US HOUSE Led by the charismatic Newt
Gingrich, these mindless clones believe that a new world order will
dawn once they destroy liberalism. Many Democrats wish this group was
suicidal. 

SUBURBAN OWNERS The owners Chevvy Suburbans think they rule the
world, and drive like everyone else should immediately get out of the
way. Are clearly suicidal. 

NEWSGROUPIES Relentlessly defensive about their definition of the
cyberworld of their newsgroup, the newsgroupie is insanely outraged
at spam, cross-postings, or the posting of graphics in text-only
groups. More likely to kill a spammer than to self-destruct. 

NETTIES Regular users of the Internet, these people are freaking out
over the sudden noteriety of the Net and the invasion of their
cyberworld by a lot of web illiterate people who don't know html from
a hot meal. Recently heard to claim >there is no way a webcrawler
could be downloaded into a cult, no way, click 

NAVIGATORS and EXPLORERS With the entry of Microsoft into the web
browser war, the Netties are dividing up between those who favor
Netscape's Navigator and those who think Explorer is the ultimate
window to the Web. Clearly the goal of each group's guru to wipe out
the other group. 

MEN OVER 50 WEARING MADRAS SHIRTS Have you noticed that men over 50
have an inordinant fondness for wearing madras type shirts and light
colored slacks on the weekend? This is an extremely dangerous cult in
the making.  
================================================
[from http://www.bandersnatch.com/joke.htm]

NEW VIRUSES

WARNING! there are some new viruses circulating... please beware of
them when loading files...

1. BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

2. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. 

3. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

4. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack... once if by LAN,
twice if by C:/

5. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

6. RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
of how old it is. If you attampt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

8. SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back.

9. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

10. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.

11. O.J. VIRUS : It claims that it did not, could not and would not
delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. 

12. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS : Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

13. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.

14. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
================================================
Punctuation's Hard to Do

   (to "Breaking Up is Hard To Do" by Neil Sedaka)
     Copyright 1993 Lynn Gold

Noun, subject, verb, noun, noun
Comma, comma, noun, subject, verb, noun, noun
Comma, comma, noun, subject, verb, noun, noun
Punctuation's hard to do

Don't take these words away from me
Don't you leave my phrase adjective free
Without these words I can't be blue
And punctuation's hard to do

Remember when you said "good night"
You used an adjective and noun all right
Dangling participles aren't good for you
And punctuation's hard to do

You know that punctuation's hard to do
When I quote, I know that it's true
Periods don't go at the end
They go inside the quotes unless the clause continues on again!

I beg of you, please give a try
Don't split infinitives just to get by
Use prepositions to get through
'Cause punctuation's hard to do

Noun, subject, verb, noun, noun
Comma, comma, noun, subject, verb, noun, noun
Comma, comma, noun, subject, verb, noun, noun
Punctuation's hard to do
================================================
[from http://jubal.westnet.com/hyperdiscordia/sacred_heart_elvis.html]

{Hey, guys - check that website out!  The "holy card" pictures are
AWESOME!}

The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis


``For unto you is born this day in the city of Memphis a
      Presley, which is Elvis the King.'' 



And Elvis saw them berating the poor recording artist, whose music was
terrible and lyrics insipid, and Lo, the King said unto the mob:
  `Let him who is without bad singles cast the first rhinestone.' And
the mob turned down their eyes, each considering his own Don't Worry
Be Happy or Man in the Mirror, and shuffled off.
  `Thank you,' said Elvis. `Thank you very much.' 


And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I
saw seven golden records; and in the midst of the seven golden records
one like unto the Son of Zeke, clothed with a jumpsuit down to the
foot, and girthed...er...girt about the paunch with rhinestones. His
hairs were black like vinyl, as black as Brilcream; and his eyes, how
they twinkled, his dimples, how merry... 
  ``Who is this King of Rock-n-Roll? The Lord of Hostess, he is the
  King of Rock-n-Roll. Shaboom.'' 


And Elvis so loved the world that he died, fat and bloated, in a
bathroom.  He very pointedly did not rise from the dead three days
later, but was nonetheless seen across the world by various and sundry
housewives. 

Create your own Ain't Nuthin' Butta Hound-Dogmas, but be sure to stay
out of the Sacred Heartbreak Hotel, where damned souls twinkle like
stars in the night, each a Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love. 
  ``Return, we beseech the, O Lord of Hostess: look down from Heaven,
  and behold, and visit this mall...'' 
================================================
[from http://www.bandersnatch.com/joke.htm]

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN OAKLAND

    African-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" + "Phonics")
    Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
    Native-American Speak -- Kemosabics
    Italian-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
    Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
    Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-sanics
    Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
    Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
    Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
    Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
    Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
    Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
    French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)
    German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
================================================
[from Dennis "Can I Touch You" Trowbridge, via "Just Too Funny!"]

 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
 Star Wars Character : The Emperor

The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people
just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at
the center of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys
being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also
helps him with this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
 Star Wars Character : Chewbacca

Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn.
He likes material possessions and loves to win at games. He tends to
hate being bossed around or losing and he may succumb to his
physical strength when upset.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
 Star Wars Character : Ewok

Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's. They tend to be
extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short
attention spans. For the most part they are charming and lovable
beings but they can seem scattered and high-strung at times.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
 Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker

Luke seemed to be somewhat whiney sometimes but he eventually
developed the thick hard shell of a cancer. He is strong willed and
persistent to get what he wants. He never shys away from a fight at
the first sign of danger. Not to mention he began to master the
element of mind manipulation.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
 Star Wars Character : Princess Leia

Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident
in Leos. She is a nurturing person with great physical strength. Like
many Leos she will see that her mission for good is completed and she
is very optimistic about the outcome.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
 Star Wars Character : C3P0

C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good cause but he tends
to be a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the
ordinary. Like many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and
he does well at picking up minute details.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
 Star Wars Character : "Obi Wan" Kenobie

As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he
is determined to succeed. He conveys his art of persuasion through
the force. He displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented
in obtaining balance between himself and his surroundings.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
 Star Wars Character : Han Solo

Han is a powerful character. He also tends to be possessive and lusty
which would explain Han's greedy nature. He feels threatened by
Leia's attempt to order him around which displays the disliking
scorpios have for people who try to control them. He is often prone
to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the empire strikes back.
However, his resiliance and passion lead him to get what he wants.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
 Star Wars Character : Yoda

Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom
widely. He seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his
teachings too lightly. As always his philosophical side always peeks
through.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
 Star Wars Character : R2D2

R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their
goals/destination is rarely fulfilled. This causes resentment
towards winners. He is a very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths
to help someone out. He is a very social unit winning the hearts of
many with his cute personality, however close friends are few.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
 Star Wars Character : Darth Vader

Vader can be cruel and torment people who disagree with him but deep
down there is a peace-loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack
for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during
battle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
 Star Wars Character : Lando

Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is
self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He
became fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also posses as
a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.

================================================
