5/1/97

[from http://www.bandersnatch.com/joke.htm]

WHAT IF......?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away? 

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Why do they report power outages on TV? 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them? 

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 
================================================
[from Brian Myers, via Naomi, via REHU]

How to write a Univ. paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with you
friend from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet
either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help
you concentrate.  If your friend shows you his paper, typed,
double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thre plastic
folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened
pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it out of
the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape ond that's it, I mean it,
as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started
writing yet.  Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacker, the
course, the university, the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your
tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt.
Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
        a) Pro Bowler's Tour
        b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roomate's book of pictures from home.  Ask who
everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thing about your plans for the
future. 

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise. 

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 

26. Leap up and write the paper. 

27. Type the paper. 

28.Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write the damn paper. 
================================================
[from Eric Vaughn, via "Just Too Funny!"]

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

 * You consider McDonald's "real food"

 * You actually like doing laundry at home

 * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends

 * It starts getting late on the week nights

 * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

 * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it

 * You'd rather clean than study

 * "Oh fuck how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least
 once a night

 * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

 * Computer Solitaire is more than a game-it's a way of life

 * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

 * You know the pizza boy by name

 * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark

 * You live for getting mail (E-mail included)

 * Looking out the window is a form of entertainment

 * Prank phone calls become funny again

 * It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

 * World War III could take place and you'd be clueless

 * You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

 * Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

 * Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

 * You find out milk crates had so many uses

 * Wal-mart is the coolest store

 * The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to
 Tuesday night)

 * You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been
 in college too long
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all- around babe 
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new 
product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
        "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked 
me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were 
missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit 
without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then 
became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several 
times."
        Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to 
complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
        "We feel that our program designers really understand how the 
poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product 
leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
        Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with 
Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the 
user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough 
money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software 
engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, 
but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click 
Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 
is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user 
can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the 
user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been 
implemented.
        "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No 
button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and 
running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time 
Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
        Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of 
products.
        "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which 
either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee 
Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft 
Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh 
your windows.)
        But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems 
and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their 
own.
        "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you 
get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt 
Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers 
asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines 
asking you for money."
        Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" 
General pandemonium then ensued.
================================================
[from "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink
when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody
near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." 

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt
or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes
that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary." 
================================================
[from Julie, via HAND!]

A PURELY FRENCH SOLUTION TO THE YEAR 2000 PROBLEM

Paris, Tuesday, 1st of April 1997

The French Ministry of Informatics (MOI) today announced that they
have determined that French computer systems will not be affected by
the year 2000 problem.  An extensive series of tests have been run on
a wide range of applications within the country and on no system has
a Y2K problem been apparent.

A spokesman put this good fortune down to a side-effect of the French
number system.  In this system the number eighty is represented by
the composite "quatre vingts" -- literally "four twenties."  French
computer systems represent the "quatre" as a single digit and will
harmlessly roll over to "cinq vingts" or "five twenties" while the
rest of the world collapses.  Thus, "quatre vingts dix neuf" will
increment to "cinq vingts."

French speaking areas of Belgium and Switzerland are bemused by these
developments, because they still use the older "septant, octant,
nonant" system for 70, 80, and 90.  The Belgian government is thought
to be considering an urgent change in the language.  This would
provide a major boost for the less prosperous French speaking part of
the country when computer systems are relocated to French speaking
communes.

Microsoft has announced that it will use similar techniques to
guarantee the PCs will not suffer from such problems, by launching a
new version of their operating system.  "Windows ninety ten" is
expected to be available in the year 2002. 
================================================
[from Gary Hom, via "Just Too Funny!"]

This simple piece of Americana!  Microsoft is at it again!  All my
life, when I read comics, I thought the "zzzz" in those little
balloons indicated someone was sleeping!  Boy, did I miss the boat,
and it took me all these years to figure it out!  All that wasted
time!

With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light
bulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen
the light.  Now, I finally know what all those "sleeping" people in
those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what I'm babbling about, start your Microsoft
Word, type in "zzzz" (without the quotes, of course) and hit the
spell check. Now you too can be enlightened!

+--------------------------------+
Don't have MS Word????  Look below!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.

For those of you who do NOT have access to MS Word, the spell
checker suggests replacing "zzzz" with "sex". 
================================================
[from HAND!]

A collection of Economist Jokes 

these and many more found at:
http://www.etla.fi/pkm/JokEc.html


A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same
job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two
plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer
asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer
incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same
question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On
average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same
question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks
the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and
says "What do you want it to equal?"


Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer.
The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left.
The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the
right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph,
"We got it! We got it!"


Two economist were standing by a bank of elevators on the ground
floor. Three elevators passed them on our way to the basement. The
first one said "I wonder why everybody in the basement wants to go
upstairs." He responded, almost instantly: "You're confusing supply
with demand."


A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours
they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some
time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks,
consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK
see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others
eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'


Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and
broke his neck? He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

And Economist Light Bulb Jokes:
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would          
have already done it.

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light   
bulb? 
A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the 
bulb.

Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light
bulb? 
A: It depends on the wage rate.

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light
bulb? 
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by   
itself.

A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have
caused it to happen.

A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.

A4. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the
conditions for illumination are in place.

A5. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely
getting brighter !!!

A6. None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market
lighting to correct the disequilibrium.

The above light bulb jokes were mostly stolen from an article in
_The_Wharton_Journal_, Feb. 21, 1994, by Selena Maranjian, who
undoubtedly pilfered the humor from someone else. Selena also
suggested (for you B-school types):

Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by
myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience
changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named
to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant
for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm
compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.

Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light
bulb? 
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer
for you in about 5 years.

Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.

The Economist

Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light
bulb? 
A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption,
dislocating the AD (agg. demand) to the right,...

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, plus/minus ten.

Q:How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as
given.

Economists do it with models

True story: The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The
keynote speaker is an eminent economist. The chairman, who sees
himself as a bit of a wag, says,

"I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an
economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into
mathematical laws."

The economist, not to be outdone, replies, "My friend, here, is a
marketer. They reverse the process."


Q. What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man
with Alzheimer's?
A. The economist is the one with the calculator.


I asked an economist for her phone number....and she gave me an
estimate. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian, possibly by Dave Barry?]

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills.  One of our favorite
charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a
computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.

Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in
West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big
grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to
speed up the charcoal-lighting process.

"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told
me in a telephone interview.  "Then we figured out that it would
light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general,
you know what happened: the purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted
from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the
charcoal.

>From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch,
then an acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using compressed pure
oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as
you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid
combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal).  We
discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the
Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those  lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times.  But in the
world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut
the mustard.

Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen.
This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees
below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen.  In terms of
releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the
equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50
million Labrador retrievers.

On Gobel's World Wide Web page (http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/),  you
can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket
attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid
oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of
charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.

What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever
seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached
10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  The charcoal was ready for cooking in
(this has got to be a world record) 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same
technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill.  All that's left
is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. 
"Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble.  "We were thinking of
returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all
choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere
near the engineers' picnic site.  But also, I was proud of my country
for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it
take for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?  Will engineers come up
with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology?  It's
something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside,
chewing our  hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the
direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. 
================================================
[posted on REHU, from the Jewish Humor List]

Joke 5/5/97: Ford

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered
the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic
car-maker, Henry Ford.

"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we
have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile
industry. " Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to
the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to
demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they
brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that
was parked in front of the building.

Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you
crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford,
and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of
freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and
within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite
cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for
the patent?"

Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused,
"And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers
Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a
'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled.
One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be
left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be
forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning
system.

And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will
see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control
panel:

                         HI   NORM   MAX

================================================
[from "Funny Stuff Newsletter".  Not really a joke, but a good 
parable...]

The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Each of the wooden people was
carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill
overlooking their village.

Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large
eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others
wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in
the village.

And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing: They gave
each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers
and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the
city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.

The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got
stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks
gave dots.

The talented ones got stars, too.. Some could lift big sticks high
above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big
words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars.

Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it
made them feel so good that they did something else and got another
star.

Others, though, could do little. They got dots.

Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others,
but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around
and give him dots.

Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would
give him more dots.

He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the
Wemmicks would give him more dots.

After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside.
He was afriad he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or
step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In
fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and
give him one without reason.

"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one
another. "He's not a good wooden person."

After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good wemmick,"
he would say.

The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had
a lot of dots. He felt better around them. 

One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had
no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lucia. It wasn't
that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the
stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lucia for having no dots, so they
would run up and give her a star. But it would fall  off. Some would
look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot.
But it wouldn't stay either.

'That's the way I want ot be,'thought Punchinello. 'I don't want
anyone's marks.' So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it.

"It's easy," Lucia replied. "every day I go see Eli."

"Eli?"

"Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him."

"Why?"

"Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there."
And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away.

"But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out. Lucia didn't
hear. So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the
wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and
dots. "It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he resolved to
go see Eli.

He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into
the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything. The
stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see
the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm.
Punchinello swallowed hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to
leave.

Then he heard his name..

"Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong.

Punchinello stopped.

"Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at
you."

Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman.
"You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked.

"Of course I do. I made you."

Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm,"
the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles.
"Looks like you've been given some bad marks."

"I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard."

"Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care
what the other Wemmicks think."

"You don't?"

"No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots?
They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter,
Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are
pretty special."

Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't
jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"

Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden
shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why
you matter to me."

Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less
his maker. He didn't know what to say.

"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.

"I came because I met someone who had no marks."

"I know. She told me about you."

"Why don't the stickers stay on her?"

"Because she has decided that what I think is more important than
what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."

"What?"

"The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust
my love, the less you care about the stickers."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For
now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I 
care."

Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground.

"Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are
special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think he
really means it."

And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.



Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.
                                (1 Sam. 16:7)

================================================
[forwarded by Maureen Jais-Mick, via REHU]

Pour yourself a Coke.  Throw the can away.  Have some cereal.  Throw
the box away.  Take some aspirin.  Throw the packaging away.  Eat a
candy bar. Throw the wrapper away.  What's wrong with this picture?
According to published reports, recycling is not an economical or
effective way to combat the ecological disaster awaiting America's
disposable, consumerist society.  It's time to change the way goods
are marketed.  That's why Package-Free Food Distributors, Inc. is
proud to announce the grand opening of Chicagoland's first
packageless supermarket--Crazy Eddie's Food Warehouse!  

Crazy Eddie's employs an increasingly popular marketing
tool_environmentally responsible product distribution, which
incorporates our foundational concept--

NO MORE CARTONS!  NO MORE CANS!  NO MORE JARS!  NO MORE PACKAGING,
PERIOD! At Crazy Eddie's, all food products, from soda to frozen
pizza, are sold without packaging!  Not only is this ecologically
sound, it's cheap, so we can pass the savings on to you!  Imagine
the convenience of scooping pork and beans from our Dinty Moore Vat
into your own recyclable container! Fill up your reusable jug from
our famous Tub O' Pepsi!  Take off your shoes and visit The Vineyard
where you stamp your handpicked grapes into wine! Thrust those dirty
fingers into our swimming pool-sized Bread Basket, but dig deep--we
put the freshest loaves on the bottom!  Visit our non-foods
department where you save big when you buy Toilet Paper By The Yard! 
Go ahead, squeeze that Charmin--everyone else did!  You'll be glad
you have hemorrhoids when you enter Tube Island and roll out those
ointments, toothpastes and gels!  Visit Pill Palace and load up on
pain relievers WITHOUT the tamper-resistant seals Grandma complains
about!

Crazy Eddie's is designed like a theme park, so shopping is FUN!
Leave the kids at the Compost Heap O' Fun indoor playground, and
don't worry--Crazy Eddie will keep a good eye on them!  

Be among the first thousand customers and receive a coupon good for
a free all-you-can-eat swim through Campbell's Chunky Homestyle
River! And don't forget to visit the world's only indoor Organic
Forest! Shake a tree and watch Eddie's exotic nuts cascade into your
burlap sack! Crazy Eddie(tm)--"If it's got clean, safe packaging--you
didn't buy it at Eddie's!" 
================================================
[from Barbara, via REHU]

 WANTED: Office Help!

A local business was looking for office help.  They put a sign in
the window, stating the following:  "Help Wanted.  Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and MUST be bilingual.  We are an
Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. 
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.  The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager.  The
manager said "I can't hire you.  The sign says you have to be able
to type."  The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter.  He took out the page and trotted over
to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign also says
you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.  The dog
proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked
flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded!  He looked at
the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and
have some interesting abilities.  However, I *still* can't give you
the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you
have to be bilingual.

The dog looked at that manager calmly and said "Meow." 
================================================
THE 30 BBS COMMANDMENTS

Some very intelligent SysOp gave some great thought to how a BBS
should be operated and came up with these 30 BBS Commandments.

1. Thou shalt love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.

2. Thou shalt remember thy name and thy password.

3. Thou shalt speaketh to the SysOp thy real name.

4. Thou shalt not POST IN ALL CAPS!

5. Thou shalt Honor thy SysOp.

6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor thy neighbor's
real name, computer, software, nor any other thing of thy
neighbor's.

7. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.

8. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have 
no meaning, lest thee be deemed a fop.

9. Thou shalt use the English language properly so that thee may be
deemed wise.

10. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly. Amen.

11. Thou shalt delete thine own mail.

12. Thou shalt delete thine ancient mail.

13. Thou shalt help other users so that thee may be deemed a friend.

14. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

15. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself lest thee be forever
banished.

16. Thou shalt not occupy thy BBS with thine arguments, for Verily, I
say unto thee that thou shalt maketh thyself the charlatan.

17. Woe be unto the user who attempteth to crash thy BBS, for such
shall be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by
doing 40 mega-days and 40 mega-nights of penance in voice-only
communications.

18. Thou shalt first dial BBS number during the day by way of voice
line to assure correct numbers.

19. Thou shalt not post other user's real names.

20. Thou shalt not post messages after imbibing excessively of ale.

21. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests
for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy
hobby; yea, and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst
transgresseth upon these commandments.

22. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, 
then surely thou shalt spill liquid into thy keyboard and shorteth 
out thy central processing unit.

23. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for
membership to thy BBS, for Verily it is Written that whosoever shall
do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be
thus be denied forever and ever.

24. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with thy SysOp's
wishes.

25. Thou shalt observeth BBS time limits.

26. Thou shalt not upload "worm" or "trojan" or "virus-ed" programs.
Amen and Amen, for to do so wilt bringeth foul curses upon thee and
thine, thy children, and thy children's children yea unto the 7th
generation. So shalt it be.

27. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that art already fully
explained in BBS bulletins and instructions.

28. Thou shalt not exchangeth commercial software thru thy BBS.

29. Thou shalt not violate any applicable state/federal/local laws 
and regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thee will face 
the wrath of thy judicial system.

30. Thou shalt not hack. 
================================================
[found at http://www.spiritonline.org/hm.html]

THE POWER OF THOUGHT (told by a Lakota medicine man at a healing
ceremony)

Our ancestors tell us that a very long time ago, there were three
warriors who all died in the same battle. They arrived at the camp
of Grandfather in the next world at the same time. This camp is, of
course, located in the spirit world. As they waited for Grandfather,
they looked down on the world they had left behind, each thinking
their private thoughts, remembering their strengths and weaknesses
in life.

Grandfather soon appeared and welcomed the warriors. "Because you
were brave and sacrificed your lives to protect your people, you each
may choose a new robe of life in which your spirit will continue to
dwell. Step over to the edge of my camp. Down below, you will see
clouds passing by. When a cloud approaches, take courage and jump
into that cloud. At the moment you touch the cloud, call out loudly
the name of the robe you wish to now wear."

The warriors looked at each other. They had not expected this test.
Then the bravest of the three stepped forward. "Grandfather," he
said, "I thank you for this gift, and I am ready." With that, he
stepped to the edge of the camp, and as a cloud passed below, bravely
jumped into it. Just as he touched it, he shouted "EAGLE!" A moment
later, a magnificent spotted eagle soared from the cloud and was
lifted far aloft.

Now the second warrior, who had always preferred following in the
footsteps of others, stepped forward. "Grandfather," he said, "I
thank you for this gift, and I am ready." With that, he stepped to
the edge of the camp, and as a cloud passed below, bravely jumped
into it, following the example of his brother. Just as he touched it,
he shouted "BUFFALO!" A moment later, a splendid bull buffalo
thundered out of the cloud, and across the horizon.

The third warrior, meanwhile, had been watching the others with
mounting anxiety. He was a reluctant warrior, drawn into his final
earthly battle by his even greater fear of being shunned by his
brothers. Now, even in the spirit world, his bravery was still being
tested. Slowly, he stepped forward. "Grandfather," he said, "I thank
you for this gift, and I am ready." With that, he stepped to the
edge of the camp, and as a cloud passed below, he hesitated until the
very last possible second. Then he jumped. Thinking his fear had
caused him to miss the cloud completely, he shouted "SH**!" just as
he was enveloped by the last fragment of cloud. 
================================================
[from HAND!]

Confucious Say:

    -  America good place to put chinese restaurant.
    -  Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
    -  Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    -  Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the 
morning with a solution in hand.
    -  He who refuses to listen is lying.
    -  He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
    -  Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache. 
    -  Wash your face in the morning, neck at night. 
    -  Crowded elevator smells different to midget. 
    -  Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement! 
    -  To make egg roll, push it. 
    -  Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy... 
    -  He who fart in church sit in own pew. 
    -  Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's 
sink. 
    -  Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks. 
    -  Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom. 
    -  All men eat, but Fu Manchu. 
    -  Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner. 
    -  Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus. 
    -  People who make Confucious joke speak bad English. 
    -  Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house. 
    -  Confucious say: I didn't say that!!!

================================================
[from Robert M. Bates, via GEOFF'S JOKE LIST]

New from MATTEL

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees
and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini
bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still
Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she
has taken a vow of silence.

Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah
for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin
Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the
one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the
string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other
dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate
a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and
enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually
goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out
why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff
envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a
liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet
filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which
need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her
back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her
ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie
tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi,
I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." comes with a "One Day at a Time"
bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform
surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales
for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's
aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down
second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and
baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty
of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so,"
"Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to
take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is
hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double
chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that
voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of
dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring,
a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt
reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, an appetite.

Mobile Home Park Barbie: Comes complete with hair in rollers and
pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string
on her back she asks where her gov't support check is. Some Mobile
Home Barbies come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often
give her surprise visits when they come into town. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. 

Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." 
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." 
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." 

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." 

Problem:    "The autopilot doesn't." 
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem:  "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." 
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem:  "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:  "Dead bugs on windshield." 
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem:  "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm 
descent." 
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:  "IFF inoperative." 
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem:  "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." 
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem:  "Number three engine missing." 
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
================================================
[from the "Funny Stuff Newsletter".  And yes, some of the numbers 
are missing - somebody must have censored it en route...]

Horror Film Wisdom 

1) After you've killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really
dead. 

2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who
were mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who
performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 

4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just
gone out. 

5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their
own, shoot them immediatley.

6) Should you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go out
alone. 

7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old
abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if
everyone's planning on having a "good time" and they're all youth
counselors... and especially don't tag along if they're all going as
couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. 

8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead. 

10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediatly. 

11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. 

12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead. 

13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you are doing. 

14) If you're running from the monster, plan on stumbling needlessly
at least two (2) times... more if you are female. 

15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes and/or
slime... immediatley excuse yourself from the conversation and drive
away. 

18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any
device made from their own severed limbs. 

19) Listen closely to the soundtrack. 

20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with icky things because
"there's so much we can learn from them". 

21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things. 

22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do
not try to 'help' them - they will eat you. 

23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out. 

25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help
or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down,
turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible. 

27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer
camps.

28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to. 

34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahnas, Spiders, etc. begin to
exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than
normal, expect to soon find many more. Plan on this. Leave. 

36) Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that
look like eggs, leave them alone. 

37) Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you
have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body. 

42) Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the
monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra
weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy
box, razor confetti, pop tarts, Spam...) 

50) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching,
heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was
dead.

51) DO NOT go into the dark room. 

53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the
house alone.

55) If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die
fast.

56) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds. 

57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap. 

58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs,
and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run
away. 

61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you. 

62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage. 

63) Your dog can take care of itself. 

67) Skeptics are often the first to fall prey to the demon
incarnation of the Anti-Christ. Always believe what the aged priest
says. 

68) If you find yourself often standing in shadows and saying very
little, or especially if you were ever or are currently a "bully",
you are probobly not a main character. Commit suicide at once.

71) Whenever possible, no matter how unnecessary it may seem, always
empty all the bullets you have into the monsters head. 

73) People driven by veangance always die. 

74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything you have to look forward
to, or any loved ones will invariably get you killed. 

77)Feel no guilt.

79) If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you
take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically
possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take, and
to get to the subway you have to go through dark underground
stations. 

80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly
horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only
possessed or absorbed. So cheer up! 

84) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your
friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to
explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your
friend they'll follow.

If not, that's their tough luck. 

87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival.
Remember, good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in
defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away! 

88) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's
end. For fun, kill all people you encounter, except for your
ex-master, whom you will feel strangely compelled to avoid. 

90) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and
rule the world! 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

 You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...

    .....Tech Support calls "You" for help.
    .....Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
    .....You watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on
    .....You have called out someone's screen name while making love
to your significant other.
    .....You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can
hang out"
    .....Three words:  Carpal tunnel syndrome
    .....You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn
on your computer
    .....you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to  meet some folks
face to face
    .....you have to get a second phone line just so you can call
Domino's 
    .....You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (spanish chat room) 
"just to work on my spanish"
    .....you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking   
alone" 
    .....you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail 
letting everyone know you are going to be away
    .....you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it 
    .....you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, 
or complete sentences .
    .....you have met over 100 AOLers
    .....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
    .....when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
    .....you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the 
middle of the night when your spouse is alseep.
    .....you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people 
won't know you are on-line again
    .....you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you
do your own spouses .
    .....you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line 
and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off 
the hook
    .....you have an identity crisis if someone else is using 
an s/n close to your own
    .....you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
    .....you change s/n's so much that you have to get your profile to
see who you are (identity crisis here)
    .....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the
streets to sell your body to get a new one
    .....you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because
they have computers and cool s/n's
    .....your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please
come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
    .....you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own
computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
    .....you type messages to people while  you are on the phone with
them at the same time
    .....you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved
    .....your dog leaves you 
    .....you have to ask what year it is
    .....you are doing things more and more that you swore you would
never, ever do when you first found chat
    .....you write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas!  how r u
doin well i gotta go bbl!"
    .....you name your pets after people you talk to 
    .....you smile sideways
    .....you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who
have you on their buddy lists (::cringe::)
    .....you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where
people you have met are
    .....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your
ignore button handy
    .....you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the puter
    .....your significant other kisses your neck while you are
chatting and you think "uh oh cyber sex pervo"
    .....you have withdrawls if you are away from the puter for more
than a few hours
    .....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have 
one...hehehe)
    .....you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling
    .....your buddy list has over 100 people on it 
    .....your worst comeback to a bully is "I'll slap you with a 
rubber chicken."
    .....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get
on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
    .....you have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake
    .....you have your puter set up so that it goes directly into
AOL's welcome screen
    .....you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to
come home from work
    .....you don't know where the time has gone
    .....you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing
letters in pen/pencil.
    .....your relationship online has gone farther than any real one
you have had 
    .....you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your
computer instead
    .....you spell things outloud instead of actually saying the word
    .....you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
    .....when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}}
or ***Kisses***
    .....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno
and lemme
    .....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your
s/n and I will TTYL"
    .....you type faster than  you think
    .....you got your psychiatrist addicted on AOL too and are now
undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office
    .....you want to be buried with your computer when it dies...or
vice versa
    .....you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted
    .....you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast
that scrolls up your tv-screen at the end of a movie
    .....people say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your
eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable
    .....you dream in text
    .....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult
    .....there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are
really bored
    .....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something
    .....you double click your tv remote
    .....you can now type over 70 wpm
    .....you think about starting a 12 step recovery group for AOL
junkies 
    .....you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something 
else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
    .....you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail
mail 
    .....you go into withdrawals during dinner 
    .....you spend at least 30  minutes making sure you say goodbye 
to everyone in a room
    .....you stop speaking in full sentences
    .....you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers
    .....you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
    .....your last sexual experience was really just a "textual"
experience 
    .....you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because 
you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just 
wanted to see who's on"
    .....you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what
their real name is, so you call them by their s/n 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

     Top Ten Signs That You're Suffering Burnout:

10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get
off my back, bitch!"

8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie
Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care.

6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your
dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.

4. You sleep more in class than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag. 

2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.  

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail    
right now. 
================================================
[a bunch of jokes from "Just Too Funny"]

DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date.  Here are a few things NOT to
say on a date...

"Nice outfit.  Is that a wonder-bra?"

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"No wine for me tonight.  My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin."

"I refuse to get cable.  That's how they keep tabs on you."

"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you NEED a nose job.  I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it."

"Could you excuse me?  My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour."

"I like clay.  It's mushy."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years.  Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face.  But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."

"Dropping my pants just scared them.  But when my underwear hit the
ground... Man!  I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."

Thanks to Sarah W. Soderlund for this one!
-----------------------------------------
Two young brothers are getting ready for bed.  The eleven year old
announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word
the next day. He thinks it will be fun and bring some excitement to
their lives.  The eight year old   decides that he too will use a
swear word the next day.  The eleven year old decides to use "hell";
the eight year old decides to use "ass".

The next morning their mother asks the eleven year old what he wants
for breakfast. "Well, hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some
Cheerios." The mother goes ballistic upon hearing this swear word and
launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words.
When she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and
asks him what he wants for breakfast. "You can bet your ass it won't
be Cheerios!" he tells her.

Thanks to Lyle Worsley for this one!
-----------------------------------------
 A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to
send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business 
site and the owner read the card,  "Rest in Peace".  The owner was 
angry and so call the florist to complain.  After he had told the 
florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist 
said.  "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than 
getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral 
taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 
'Congratulations on your new location'".

Thanks to Susan Polizzi for this one!
---------------------------------------------
YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF...

You have the bladder capacity of twenty people.

You come home from work every day with blue stains on your hands.

You tell your waiter "I like the way you keep my water glass filled!"

You can stare at children you don't know who are doing something wrong
and have them stop dead in their tracks.

You keep a whistle on your key chain.

You sit in a fast food restaurant near the play area and wonder who's
on duty and when the recess bell will ring.

You can recite "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" from memory. Using
voices.

You know at least 10 uses for an egg carton, baby food jar, or meat
tray.

A local emergency occurs [fire, earthquake, etc.] and your first
thought is how you're going to lead the discussion at sharing time in
the morning.      

Thanks to Randall Woodman for this one!
------------------------------------------------
This farmer entered the townsquare; in one hand he carried the bible,
in his other hand a pack of condoms. He looked around as if he was
lost. This local stepped to him and said: 'Can I help you ? What are
you looking for?' 'Well', the man replied, ' they said in town there
are the real girls ! So I brought these condoms to really have a party
!' 'Oke, but why did you bring a bible as well ?' 'if things are as
good as they say, I'll maybe stay until sunday.'

Thanks to Theo Legters for this one!!
================================================
[from Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

   APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job
history, ancestral  lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical
report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________  
DATE OF BIRTH______________

   HEIGHT____________  WEIGHT_____________  IQ__________ 
   GPA_____________

   SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________  
   DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

   BOY SCOUT RANK AND
   BADGES______________________________________________

   HOME ADDRESS__________________________  CITY/STATE___________ 
   ZIP_____

   Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
   ___________________________

   If NO, please explain
   _________________________________________________ 

   _________________________________________________

   Number of years they have been married
   ________________________________

   If less than your age, explain
   ________________________________________

   ________________________________________

   Do you own a van? _____________
   A truck with oversized tires?___________
   A waterbed?_____________
   A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________
   A condom?_______________
   Pornography?_______________
   Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button 
     ring? ______________
   A   tattoo?_____________

   (IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE
   PREMISES)

   In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? 
  
   _____________________________________________________________ 
  
   _____________________________________________________________ 


   In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to
   you? 

   _____________________________________________________________ 

   _____________________________________________________________ 


   In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

   _____________________________________________________________ 

   _____________________________________________________________ 


   Church you attend
   ______________________________________________________  

   How often you attend
   ___________________________________________________

   When would be the best time to interview your:

           father? _____________         priest? _______________

           mother? _____________         parole officer? _______

   Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
   are confidential.


   A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: 

   ___________________________________________________________________


   B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: 

   ___________________________________________________________________

   C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________

   D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

   ___________________________________________________________________


   E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

   ___________________________________________________________________

   NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.  Leaving
   premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion
   is advised.


   What do you want to do IF you grow up?

   _____________________________________________________________ 

   _____________________________________________________________ 


   What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
   _____________________

   Condoms come in packages of (circle one)

           A:  3 
           B:  6 
           C:  9 
           D: 12 
           E: ALL OF THE ABOVE

   How do you know?_______________________________________

   I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
   THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
   NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
   WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


   _______________________________________
   Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

   Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for
   processing.
================================================
[from "Funny Stuff Newsletter"]

A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat
is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line.  He decides to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he
sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is
anyone sitting here?" The man replies no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use
it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the
first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in
1967." 

"Well, that's terribly sad.  But still, couldn't you find someone to
take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral." 
================================================
[found by Kathleen on the web]

DAVE'S COMPARATIVE COMMANDER ANALYSIS
By David Nurenberg, SKIOLD@AOL.COM
Copyright c 1995



Read, laugh, and distribute like CRAZY - just please make sure I get
the credit, I work hard on these! : ) 4/95

No matter what Star Trek subs and message boards you peruse, we
inevitably come upon the question of WHO'S THE BEST CAPTAIN?  We here
at the Skiold Foundation for Comparative Commander Analysis feel it
neccesary to compare each leader in both subjective and objective
contexts - namely, how would each face a situation that another
triumphed over?  Thus, we present four separate questions and
incidents, with responses from our four captains, PLUS, at no extra
charge, feedback from various other commanders we've had a chance to
meet:
_________________________________________________________________

QUESTION #1: Your first officer of 20 years and trusted friend
seemingly dies to save your vessel.  You later discover that he is,
in fact, alive, and being regenerated on a distant planet in a
forbidden zone.  Going afte r him will wind up costing you your
rank, your vessel, and possibly a family member as well.  What do you
do? 

CAPTAIN KIRK "I'd go after Spock, no question - who else in
Starfleet is willing to put up with me?  My ever-loyal bridge crew
would be more than willing to help me steal my old ship and sabotage
any pursuers, and we'd somehow manage to outwit any opposition we'd
encounter, from a single Klingon ship right on up to...hell, right on
up to the planet exploding!  If Starfleet gets angry, I'd just find a
way to save the universe again, and they'd be so grateful they'd
pardon me."

CAPTAIN PICARD "I'd try all the normal, diplomatic channels, of
course. If that failed, I'd send Worf and Data in a shuttlecraft to
effect a rescue, while I monitored from the safety of the
ENTERPRISE. If worst came to worst, Number One is replaceable -
Commander Shelby's much better looking than Will, any day." 

COMMANDER SISKO "I'd sympathize with Major Kira's plight, and do all
I could trough the proper diplomatic channels.  Failing in that,
what more can I do except radio in to Bajor for a replacement?  I'm
used to women being whisked out of my life, you know, and no way am I
going to let Jake-O get killed just to save some Bajoran fanatic who
was living on borrowed time anyway." 

CAPTAIN JANEWAY "The same as Captain Kirk, but I'd take my full
crew, dammit! They knew the risks when they signed aboard!"

CAPTAIN KURN "If my first officer died with honor, like a true
Klingon, than snatching him from the grave would deface him as a
warrior.  If he died a coward, then he is not worth retrieving,
Fek'Lar eat his bones!" 

COMMANDER TOMALAK "I would be very suspicious of the news of my
first officer's revival.  This sounds distinctly like a Federation
trick to lure my ship across the neutral zone." 

GUL DUKAT "I would not take my vessel into any zone that Central
Command has deemed forbidden - to do so would be treason against the
state.  If my first officer has somehow gotten himself into one of
these `forbidden zone,' I question his motives and loyalty. If he
ever showed his face again, I would contact the Obsidian Order
immediately." 

THE GRAND NAGUS: "A planet that resurrects you?  What a find!  I'd
make such a profit, it'd be unbelievable!  Hell, my whole family
could get blown apart if it meant latinum!" 

LOCUTUS, OF BORG: "One life is irrelevant.  If he has left the
collective, he will merely be re-assimilated when we inevitably
conquer that sector."

HAN SOLO "Hey, Chewie's my friend and all, but you said the FALCON
would be destroyed?  Then he's one toasted Wookie - sorry, pal."

Q "What a ridiculous question.  If he died I'd simply bring him back
to life and transport him home, simple as that."
_________________________________________________________________   

QUESTION #2: While disguised on a surveillance mission of a
primitive culture, your advanced, alien nature is exposed, and the
inhabitants start worshipping you as a god.  Their entire societal
development threatens to take a backward turn, plunging them into
the dark ages. To prove them wrong you must be willing to be shot
with an arrow to show you can die.  What do you do?     

CAPTAIN KIRK "Get shot?  Are you out of your mind?  If the damage has
already been done, take advantage of it, man!  Let me tell you, I'd
ask for LOTS of virgin sacrifices, if you know what I mean, heh heh.
If Starfleet found out, I'd have Spock muddle their computers or
something, or else I'd just save the universe again so they'd forgive
me." 

CAPTAIN PICARD "I'd sit down and explain to them in every possible
manner that I am not what they think I am.  If Eventually, though, I
would trust in Beverly to get that damn arrow out of my chest -
assuming Will wasn't available as a better target." 

COMMANDER SISKO "I'd try every possible diplomatic alternative.  The
prime directive, however, has loopholes for the welfare of Starfleet
personnel - no damn way am I taking an arrow.  There's no time like
the present to welcome that primitive culture into the 24th century."

CAPTAIN JANEWAY "Oh, that would be terrible, terrible...we'd have
violated the prime directive, and it wouldn't even be in search of
coffee...I suppose I'd take it, then, and hope that snippy
holographic doctor can sew me up again." 

CAPTAIN KURN "Bah!  Arrows are not a threat.  A true Klingon does not
fear pain nor death, and no honor would be gained in conquering such
primitives.  They can think whatever they want of me, I would leave
to EARN my glory elsewhere" 

COMMANDER TOMALAK "We'd round up all of those who saw us, interrogate
them for just how much they knew, and then bring them back as slaves
to Romulus.  We can't take any chances that a Federation expedition
would arrive and learn any of our carefully guarded secrets through
them." 

GUL DUKAT "What do you mean accidentally?  Cardassians do not make
mistakes.  If anything even close to such an error occurred, we would
simply wipe out the population and strip mine their planet. We
wouldn't go through the effort of building an ore-processing station
above it, though....it didn't turn out too well the last time." 

THE GRAND NAGUS: "What, get shot, and give up a whole race of
worshippers? Free labor!  Profit for all, but mainly for me! 
Hahahaha!"

LOCUTUS, OF BORG "Religion and worship are irrelevant.  Resistance,
through their arrows, would be futile.  We would assimilate them
all." 

HAN SOLO "An arrow?  Are you joking?  Who cares what a buncha spear
wielding furballs think - Chewie and I'd blast outta there like
nobody's business!" 

Q  What's wrong with them worshipping me as a god?
   
_________________________________________________________________

QUESTION#3:  An expedition into an unknown region of space
accidentally yields a hostile, advanced, unrelenting alien empire
who will wipe out your entire society if you don't collapse the
wormhole that leads there.  This, of course, will also deprive you of
the scientific wonders that lay beyond, not to mention your job. 
What do you do? 

CAPTAIN KIRK "Disguise myself as one of them, sneak aboard their
ship, bed the most highly placed female in their military, and, if
all else failed, threaten them with a bluff so ridiculous that they
can't believe it's a bluff, causing them to back off and leave us
alone.   For example, there's this element called Corbomite that we
carry on our ships..." 

CAPTAIN PICARD "There must be some diplomatic way of settling this.
Failing that, collapse the wormhole." 

COMMANDER SISKO: "There must be some diplomatic way of settling this.
Failing that, collapse the wormhole." 

CAPTAIN JANEWAY "Sometimes you just have to punch your way through -
I'd take my ship right into the heart of their space and blow their
command center to smithereens.  Unless they brewed some really great
coffee, in which case we'd tale some of that, first." 

CAPTAIN KURN "Collapse the wormhole?  And deny ourselves years of
glorious battle?  You must be insane!" 

COMMANDER TOMALAK "We would not collapse so strategic a find - let
them attack, they'll not find Romulus wanting." 

GUL DUKAT "Allow an outsider to threaten Cardassian interests?  You
make me laugh.  Moreso, you make me suspicious.  How could you even
suggest such a thing could occur?  It could not, you know.  Are you
harboring any other such notions?" 

THE GRAND NAGUS "What's the big deal?  Bribe the hell out of them -
there's no disagreement in existence that a little latinum won't
smooth over. What do they want?  Starships?  Girls?  Weapons?  Those
cool little communicators with sound boards that actually WORK?"

LOCUTUS, OF BORG "Their resistance would be futile.  They would be
assimilated. You ALL will become one with the Borg." 

HAN SOLO "Start wars?  Collapse wormholes?   Let me tell you, buddy,
the second I saw even one warship bearing down on me I'd hyper out of
there so fast they'd be choking on my engine exhaust....huh? What do
you mean, Chewie, the hyperdrive's not working again?!?" Q Yawn.  I'd
blink and wipe out their entire race.  It worked for Kevin Uxbridge,
right?

_________________________________________________________________

QUESTION#4  While pursing a group of criminals, your ship is
accidentally tossed thousands of light years away, into an uncharted
part of the galaxy.  With no clear way home, how do you prevent
mutiny and despair? 

CAPTAIN KIRK "A whole new quadrant of babes to woo?  Hmmm....tempting
as that may be, I'd have Spock and Scotty figure out some way to get
us home, and maybe even save the universe a few times in the
process." 

CAPTAIN PICARD "I'd get that brat Wesely to call up his friend, the
Travelers, to get us home." 

COMMANDER SISKO: "I'd look for a wormhole.  Hey, if it worked
once..." 

CAPTAIN JANEWAY: "I'd make a highly successful science fiction show
about my adventures that would launch an entire TV network." 

COMMANDER KURN: "New worlds to conquer for the empire?  New
challenges, and opportunities for glory undreampt of!  I would kill
any man that revolted." 

COMMANDER TOMALAK: "Impossible.  There exists no way to cover such a
distance in so little time.  More Federation lies, designed to break
down my resolve! You shall never best us!  Glory to the Praetor!" 

GUL DUKAT "You even suggest that a Cardassian would become lost? Your
loyalty IS in question, then!  Do you know your pledge to the state?
Recite it!  Right now!  Expect a visit from the Obsidian Order VERY
soon, my friend." 

THE GRAND NAGUS: "A whole quadrant that doesn't know our tricks?
Trillions of new suckers to bilk for everything they have? Ha!  Why
would I ever want to leave?

LOCUTUS, OF BORG: "Location is irrelevant.  We would carry on our
directive to assimilate all life.  You WILL become one with the Borg."

HAN SOLO "Chewie?  Is that hyperdrive working yet?"

Q Big deal.  I'd snap my fingers and send myself back home.
_________________________________________________________________

Thus concludes this edition of Dave's Comparative Commander Analysis.
 We part with a final word from Han Solo:

"Chewie...c'mon...I didn't MEAN I would leave you on that planet!
Fix the hyperdrive!  Please!  That Borg ship is getting closer!" 

================================================
 +---------------------------------------
 + Forwarded Message From UMC SC Online   
 + Original Written by Jim Dennis         
 +----------------------------------------

 AFAIK              As Far As I Know
 ASAP               As Soon As Possible
 BBN                Bye Bye Now
 BBS                Be Back Soon
 BRB                Be Right Back
 BTW                By The Way
 BWL                Bursting With Laughter
 C&G                Chuckle and Grin
 CID                Crying In Disgrace
 CNP...             Continued (in my) Next Post
 CP                 Chat Post(a chat message)
 CSG                Chuckle Snicker Grin
 CYA                See You (Seeya)
 CYAL8R             See You Later (Seeyalata)
 DLTBBB             Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite
 EG                 Evil Grin
 EMSG               Email Message
 FYI                For Your Information
 GFN                Gone For Now
 GMTA               Giggling My Butt Off
 GMTA               Great Minds Think Alike
 GTSY               Glad To See You
 H&K                Hug and Kiss
 HABU               Have A Better 'Un
 HAGN               Have A Good Night
 HAGU               Have A Good 'Un
 H&K                Hug and Kiss
 HHIS               Hanging Head in Shame
 IC                 I See
 IGP                I Gotta Pee
 IMO                In My Opinion
 IMHO               In My Humble Opinion
 IWALU              I Will Always Love You
 JMO                Just My Opinion
 JTLYK              Just To Let You Know
 KIT                Keep In Touch
 KOC                Kiss On Cheek
 KOL                Kiss On Lips
 L8R                Later
 L8R G8R            Later 'Gater
 LHM                Lord Help Me
 LHU                Lord Help Us
 LOL                Laugh Out Loud
 LSHMBB             Laughing So Hard My Belly is Bouncing
 LSHMBH             Laughing So Hard My Belly Hurts
 LTNS               Long Time No See
 LTS                Laughing To Self
 LUWAMH             Love You With All My Heart
 LY                 Love Ya
 OIC                Oh, I See
 OL                 Old Lady  (significant other)
 OM                 Old Man (significant other)
 OTTOMH             Off The Top of My Head
 PDS                Please Don't Shoot
 PM                 Private Message
 PMFJI              Pardon Me For Jumping In
 PMP                Peed My Pants
 POAHF              Put On A Happy Face
 QSL                Reply
 QSO                Conversation
 QT                 Cutie
 ROFL               Rolling On Floor Laughing
 ROFLAPMP           ROFL And Peeing My Pants
 ROFLMAO            ROFL My A** Off
 ROFLMAOAY          ROFLMAO At You
 ROFLMAOWTIME       ROFLMAO With Tears In My Eyes
 ROFLUTS            ROFL Unable to Speak
 RTFM               Read The F****** Manual!
 SETE               Smiling Ear To Ear
 SO                 Significant Other
 SWAK               Sealed With A Kiss
 SWL                Screaming with Laughter
 SYS                See You Soon
 TA                 Thanks Again
 TOY                Thinking Of You
 TTFN               Ta Ta For Now
 TTYL               Talk To you Later
 WB                 Welcome Back
 WTH                What/Who The H*** (or sub an 'F' for the 'H') 
 YBS                You'll Be Sorry 
 YG                 Young Gentleman 
 YL                 Young Lady
 YM                 Young Man


 Emoticons and Things

 Emoticons are symbols which indicate
 emotions. This section contains
 emoticons and other symbols used by
 chatters, which are easily made with
 ordinary keyboard characters .


 :-|                Ambivalent
 o:-)               Angelic
 >:-(               Angry|-I                Asleep
 (::()::)           Bandaide
 :-{}               Blowing a Kiss
 \-o                Bored
 :-c                Bummed Out
 |C|                Can of Coke
 |P|                Can of Pepsi
 :( )               Can't Stop Talking
 :*)                Clowning
 :'                 Crying
 :'-)               Crying with Joy
 :'-(               Crying Sadly
 :-9                Delicious,Yummy
 :->                Devilish
 ;->                Devilish Wink
 :P                 Disgusted (sticking out tongue)
 :*)                Drunk
 :-6                Exhausted, Wiped Out
 :(                 Frown
 \~/                Full Glass
 \_/                Glass (drink)
 ^5                 High Five
 (((((name))))      Hug (cyberhug)
 :-I                Indifferent
 :-#                Lips are Sealed
 :~/                Mixed Up
 :-O                Mouth Open (Surprised)
 (_)                Mug (coffee)
 ****               Popcorn
 &&&&               Pretzels
 @--)--)(--         Rose
 :-@                Screaming
 :O                 Shocked
 :)                 Smile
 ^                  Thumbs Up
 :-&                Tongue Tied
 :-\                Undecided
 ;)                 Wink
 |-O                Yawning
================================================
[from Rev. Cheese, on REHU]

    The Top 16 Items in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution

16> Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff per
family, per year.

15> Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks at Hooters!

14> Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less'n he's from New York
(or is otherwise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), or is just kinda
dark or differnt in some way.

13> Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts.

12> Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or belt
buckles.

11> Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned.

10> Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both houses of
legislature.  Either that, or Tom Landry's say-so.

9> The right to bare breasts, but only on cable, dammit -- not in
real life. (bear? bare?)

8> Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person.

7> Freedom of religion: you can worship the Cowboys *or* Willie
Nelson.

6> Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be settled
by a chili cook-off. (or a gane of .44 magnum roulette)

5> Freedom of Delusion.

4> No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries.

3> Cold beer cans can be used as "testicular temperature regulators"
when operating a motor vehicle.

2> State bird:  Raised middle finger.


and the Number 1 Item in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution...


1> You have the right to be on the cover of Trailer Park Trash
Magazine. 
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

Mulla (or Mullah) Nasruddin is a very well known folk hero throughout
the Middle East.  In Turkey or Pakistan, he is a powerful religious
figure, a Sufi sage/fool; in Greece, he is mainly a clever character
in childrens fairy tales, like our Curious George, perhaps.  The
interesting thing about Nasruddin, or "the Mulla," is that he is seen
usually as a fool; yet on other occasions he appears to be a fool at
first, then is shown to be quite wise in the end.  A Jungian
archetypal trickster character, Mulla always adds a twist to things,
and there is always a lesson to be learned.  

Since you were kind enough to bother to send me all that stuff, I'll
write down a few Nasruddin stories that I know, and try to tell them
as best as I can. I'll start with one of my favorites, one I heard
told in a spiritual context of following one's bliss and trusting
one's heart rather than searching for an outside authority:

One evening, Mulla's neighbor saw him crawling around under the
lamppost outside Mulla's house.  "What are you doing?" he asked
Mulla. Looking for a key which I dropped," replied the Mulla. The
neighbor also started search the area.  After several minutes went
by, the neighbor said, "I'm sorry, Mulla, but I just don't see it
anywhere. Do you remember exactly where you were standing when you
dropped your key?" "Oh, yes," replied the Mulla. "I was inside my
house down in the cellar." "Then what on earth are we doing searching
for it out here?" asked the neighbor. "Fool!" replied the Mulla. 
"Can't you see that under the lamppost out here it's brighter and
easier to search for it?"   

Here's a great one on the subject of "denial," or perhaps on the
foolishness of trusting one's head or beliefs over one's instincts:

A neighbor asks to borrow Nasruddin's donkey. Mulla explains to him
that he already lent it to his brother.  As the neighbor is leaving,
he hears the donkey braying in Mulla's backyard. So he goes back and
bangs on Nasrudin's door again, and Nasrudin again tells him the same
thing. The man, quite indignant, says, "but I hear your donkey in the
back yard." Nasrudin, equally indignant, replies to the man, "Who are
you going to believe, me or the donkey?"  

And a couple more gems (this next one tends to offend
Fundamentalists and New-Agers, I have found; apparantly, it is quite
threatening due to the way it exposes a very common logical fallacy,
I suppose - in fact, Nasruddin's stories can have quite a nice bite
to them):

Each day, Mulla Nasruddin was seen sprinkling herbs on the ground at
sunrise. His neighbor, unable to contain his curiosity, came over
one morning and inquired, "Hey Mulla, I just don't get it:  why do
you keep doing that every morning?" Mulla replied, "To keep the
tigers away, Silly." The neighbor shot back, "Oh Mulla, there aren't
any tigers for a thousand miles." "Yes" replied Mulla. "Effective,
isn't it?"

And a classic one about the concrete and the abstract...

Mulla Nasrudin was a the local bar, and was hearing some guys
complain about their controlling and nagging wives.  Mulla, tired of
his whining friends, announced that he was certainly the head of the
household in *his* family, and that he alone made the important
decisions, leaving his wife to only deal with trivial issues. The
guys rallied around the Mullah, and said "way to go" and so forth.
One of the fellows said, "I'm curious, Mullah:  just which trivial
issues do you let her decide on, anyway?" Mullah replied, "well, I
of course solve the *real* issues:  Is there a God; is the universe
ultimately real or a dream or illusion; why is there something
rather than just plain nothing; and where do we go when we die? My
wife, on the other hand, only makes decisions about trivial things,
like where we live, how we spend our money, how we raise the kids,
what we eat, and what friends we should spend our time with, knowing
that the real issues are better left to my wisdom."

The coolest Nasrudin stories, however, are when Mulla turns out to
be the wise sage and comes up with a really nice solution to a
problem. I like Nasruddin stories because they are not moralistic or
preaching, but can reveal incredible experiential insights via
Mulla's brand of crazy wisdom. Here are a couple off the top of my
head:  

One time Mulla went to a bathhouse.  The attendant was slow with the
towels, the food was cold, he was spoken to rudely; but Mulla showed
no irritation.  When the time came to leave he left a whole gold
dinar, a huge tip, and the attendants were amazed at his generosity.
The following week, Nasrudin received the royal treatment from
smiling, fawning attendants.  He smiled and enjoyed himself, and
when it was time to leave, the attendants lined up, expecting that
this time their guest would be even more generous. The Mullah gave
each attendant a copper bit, the smallest of coins; when they
expressed surprise that the previous tip was so large and this one so
small, he told them that the big tip was for *this* time, and that
the small tip was for *that* time.

And I'll end with one of my all-time favorites, again about the
concrete and the abstract:

While fasting, Mulla ate only one large bowl of rice a day at
dinner. One morning, after passing by an expensive, exotic
restaurant and smelling the aromas of what was cooking, Mulla got a
great idea.  That evening, he brought his bowl of rice and ate it
under the kitchen window of the restaurant, so that he could smell
all of the wonderful scents while he ate his humble bowl of rice.
Mulla enjoyed this so much that he got in the habit of continuing
this practice day after day. Finally one day, as Mulla was eating, the
head chef came out, waving his cleaver. "You!" yelled the chef. "You
have been smelling the wonderful scents of the food I prepared
without paying a cent. I demand that you pay me for my smells!"
Mulla, fearing for his life, agreed to pay the chef in full if he
would kindly stop by Mulla's house after closing. Later that night,
the chef came by. Mulla said, "wait here while I get my gold." The
chef displayed a big grin in anticipation when Mulla returned,
carrying in his arms a huge jar full of gold coins. Mulla held the
jar firmly and then he shook it; the gold coins rattled and clanged
against each other.  "There," exclaimed Mulla. "I have paid you in
full for your smells. Now be on your way." 

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