5/8/97

[found by Kathleen, on the web]

Cardassian Warning!

By Esther Findling

It has come to our attention that the Federation has introduced a
potentially toxic substance into the Cardassian food supplies.

Said substance, while not technically addictive, is highly
habit-forming.

While not dangerous is very small amounts, individuals rapidly
develop "cravings" for more and more of this substance.  Habituated
persons have been know to consume enormous quantities at a single
sitting. This substance is known to have some mind- and/or
mood-altering properties. The excessive glucose and lipid content of
the substance also presents health hazards.

Ingestion of this substance is considered by many to be highly
pleasurable.

There are recorded cases of individuals who will actually forego
other foods and other pleasurable activities in favor of ingesting
this substance.  There are studies showing that some persons become
so habituated to this substance that they prefer ingestion of this
substance over sexual activity. It is clear that this substance
presents a threat to the health of Cardassians.  The Ministry hereby
issues a warning to avoid this substance! It can be consumed in a
variety of forms.  It may be drunk as a liquid.  In its powder form,
it can transformed into baked goods.  The liqueur can be molded into
various sizes and shapes. There are several variations on the name of
this substance, but the most common terms are "Choklet" and "Ko-Ko."
We have been reliably informed that two of the more dangerous
manifestations of this substances are known as "Brauniz" and "Fudj."

While "Choklet" is not currently prohibited in the Union, the
Ministry of Health strongly recommends extreme caution when using
this substance.

CHIEF SURGEON OF THE CARDASSIAN UNION
================================================
[forwarded by Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

You might be an X-er if...

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded
up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You remember when Jordache jeans were cool. 

In your fifth grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt
with the collar up

You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song 

The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories 

You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark". 

Three words: "Atari"  "IntelliVision" and "Coleco".   Sound
familiar? 

You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone
for the weekend"

You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV 

A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid" 

While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play
"1999" by Prince over and over again

You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was 

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You
rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind
you. 

You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant
slut."

You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older,
you really understand that it would have been much better had you
known about drugs at the time.

You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the
following phases: - "When I was younger" - "When I was your age" -
"You know, back when..."

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the
English language

You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD
thing, 

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran
Duran, Madonna,or Cyndi Lauper video

The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during
"Crazy for You" by Madonna

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the
streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with
laughter. 

Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON. 

(girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", and lusted after
"Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat

You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50"
age category on most questionnaires

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something
which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think
the creatures are WAY cool.  Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now
in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special
effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one
of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the
theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off
Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt.

You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in
the last five years, okay?

You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that
maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a
bad idea after all

You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major 

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon 

U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now 

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation 

You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from
the first scene.

You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or
Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General
Hospital)

You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there" 

You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided
it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie.  They work for me." 
[and what's more, you know it's WRONG, and what the REAL line was!]

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the
guitar. 

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look
at Tab.

You know all the words to the double album set of Grease. 

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut 

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed
"8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you. 

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history
class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times as
Ridgemont High.

You owned a preppy handbook.

You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to
settle for second hand reports.

You remember when there was only "G, PG and R", none of this PG-13
crap.

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still
carry the emotional scars to this day.

Wonder twin powers, activate!  Form of a an iceberg, shape of a
hammer 

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers
and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

SOME ADDITIONS:

You actually believed everything Leonard Nimoy told you on "In
Search Of..."

The ABC After School Special "My Mom's Having A Baby" actually
taught you stuff you didn't know.

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized"
packages of Bazooka gum.

Bo and Luke Duke.

VCR's cost $1,000.

There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together. 

Rotary dial telephones.
================================================
[From Frank Morris  <Frank's Daily Chuckles - subscribe: 
popu70@rev.net>]

VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...
          ---> U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white...
          ---> Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ...
          ---> Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ...
          ---> Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store...
          ---> Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...
          ---> Verti Go
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
           ---> Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ...
          ---> Wherediddy  Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
          ---> Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative ...
          ---> Grin Gogh
The nephew that drove a stage coach ...
           ---> Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...
          ---> Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...
          ---> Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle ...
          ---> Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ...
          ---> E. Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits ...
          ---> Mang Gogh
And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking... 
          ---> Way Too Gogh 
His bouncy young nephew ... 
		  ---> Poe Gogh 
His Disco-loving sister ... 
   		  ---> Go Gogh
And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ...
          ---> Winnie Bay Gogh
================================================
[from john hanscom, via REHU]

Dakota Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount.  However, in the church we
often try other strategies with dead horses, including the
following:

 1.   buying a strong whip
 2.   trying a new bit or bridle
 3.   changing riders
 4.   moving the horse to a new location
 5.   riding the horse for longer periods of time
 6.   saying things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this
horse." 
 7.   appointing a committee to study the horse
 8.   arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses 
 9.   increasing the standards for riding dead horses
 10.  creating a test for measuring our riding ability
 11.  comparing the state of dead horses today
 12.  complaining about the state of dead horses today
 13.  coming up with new styles of riding dead horses
 14.  blaming the horse's parents
 15.  tightening the cinch
 16.  passing legislation which declares that "this horse is not 
dead!"
 17.  harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed
 18.  trying to resuscitate the dead horse
 19.  praying for the dead horse to be resurrected.
 20.  Ozark Wisdom:  Convince a stranger that the dead horse is 
resting up for the next day's work.
 21.  Ozark Wisdom:  Sell the dead horse to the stranger.

================================================
[from "Just Too Funny"]

Star Trek Rednecks

As a member of StarFleet, you know someone's a redneck when:

His shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month 
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles 
He has a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" 
He refers to Klingons as "Critters" 
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" 

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and 
aluminum foil 

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section 

He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing
frequencies" 

He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen 
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle 
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it 
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage" 
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser 
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" 
He sets the fore view screen to reruns of "Bassmaster" 
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens 
He paints the starship John Deere green 
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" 
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" 
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale 
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen" 
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls 
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge 

His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of
beans and weenies 

He sets phaser to "Cajun" 
================================================
[from Dave Gowan, via HAND!]

Historical and Etymological Origins of an Infamous Anglo-Saxon
Gesture

The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet
Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent
'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt.  The French, who were
overwhelmingly favored to win  the battle, threatened to cut a
certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they
could never fight again.  The English won in a major upset and waved
the body part in question at the French in defiance.  The  puzzler
was: What was this body part?  This is the answer submitted by a
listener:

Dear Click and Clack,

Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound
questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism.  The body
part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after
defeating them was, of  course, the middle finger, without which it
is impossible to draw the renowned  English longbow.

This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so
the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew".  Thus,
when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the
defeated French, they  said, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK
YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like
"pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for
the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f',
and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to  have something to do
with an intimate encounter.  It is also because of the pheasant
feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving
the bird". 

================================================
[from Gary Hom, via "Just Too Funny"]

This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He was
cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. 

Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she
was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day the guy goes to
Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... It's kind of a guy thing,
but I need to ask you a favor." Cindy replied "Okay," and he says,
"Can I borrow your eyebrowpencil?" Cindy looks at him a little funny,
but answers, "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil." 

The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw
a mustache on you?" 

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay." And so the guy
draws a moustache on her. 

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for
you to look more like a man?" Cindy is getting a little disappointed
at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his
clothes.

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?" 

Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you
can call me Fred." 

So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts 

"Fred You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past 4
months!!!"

================================================
[from Rev. Cheese, via REHU]

Top 10 Tourism Slogans for the "Republic of Texas"

10. "Texas is for wackos."

9. "We won't have to hold *you* against your will."

8. "Where the deer and the antelope play...and the weird guy across
the street is probably packin' an automatic rifle."

7. "Get off our land!"

6. "Don't wait for the next comet!  Beam up...to Texas."

5. "Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed stand-offs."

4. "Lien on us."

3. "Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."

2. "Indulge your delusions of grandeur."


...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:

1. "It really *is* a whole 'nother country!" 

================================================
[from Barbara Sheele, via REHU]

HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY (updated version)
--by Cabe Franklin

To GRE or not to GRE, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler, in the grind, to suffer
The slings and arrows of a "real world" fortune
Or take Kaplan against a sea of testing
And by applying end them.  To apply, 'tis cheap
No more--and yet 'tis cheap to say we defer
Our student loan payments, and the thousand hidden costs
The grad is heir to.  'Tis matriculation
Devoutly to be wished.  To apply, 'tis cheap ...
'Tis cheap, and self-esteem:  Ay, there's the rub!
For in those hallowed halls what `steem may come
When we have blow'ed off this admin toil
Must give us pause.  So--it's Respect
That makes uncertainty of this young life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of Time
(The addresser's wrong), the pre-med's contumely,
The pangs of despised internships, the roommate's rent check's delay,
The insolence of cubicles, and the Janes 
Who find some merit in these unworthy Jakes 
When he himself might his own quietus make 
With a fifty buck application fee?  
Who wouldn't this process bear, 
Just call for recs to ditch a weary life, 
But that the threat of something after grad school-- 
The undiscover'd thesis, whose author's calls 
No publisher returns--heightens the bill, 
And makes us rather bear the loans we have 
Than fly to others we know not of? 
Thus balance doth make Bach'lors of us all, 
And the plaintive hue of revolution 
Is sal'ried over, with a veil cast on thought, 
And youngsters of great mirth and portent 
In disregard instead avert their eyes 
And lose the name of degree candidate.  Soft ye now! 
The friendly valet!  Jetta Trek, in thy driver's seat 
Be all my C-minuses remember'd.
================================================
[from Barbara Sheele, via REHU]

So many idiots ... so few comets.

I think that butchers prefer to be known as meat-cutters these days,
unless they have found a more PC term ... animal disassembly
engineers?

I went to my local library and asked where they kept the books on
suicide but was told that they had none.  It seems they always got
checked out but never returned.

English doesn't borrow from other languages.  English follows other
languages down dark alleys, knocks them down, and goes through their
pockets looking for loose grammar.

+----------------------------+
[from Rev. Cheese, via REHU]

This was coined by someone who was born in New Jersey, but now lives
in London:

Three guys, a Texan, a Russian and a guy from New Jersey find
themselves seated at the same table in a restaurant in London, at
the time of the Mad Cow disease scare. 

The waiter says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of beef so you 
can't order steak." 

The Texan asks: "What is a shortage?" 

The Russian asks: "What is a  steak?" 

The guy from New Jersey asks: "What is  excuse me?"

 ><><><><><><><>

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 
+----------------------------+
[from Ron Veenker, via "Just Too Funny"]

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave
9.  Wet bonnet contest
8.  Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7.  Buttermilk keggar
6.  Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
5.  Get a tattoo:  "Born to raise barns"
4.  Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with
zippers
3.  Sleep 'til 6 AM
2.  Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass
1.  Churn butter naked
================================================
[forwarded by Brian.  Don't read if you are easily offended!]

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really
good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after
class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and
there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he
pulls it and music starts playing! 

". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road
again...". The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and
drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the
cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."


The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. 

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy
asked. 

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country
music!" 
================================================
[from Amy]

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENT IF...

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.

...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
progress of your own joke across the internet.

...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your
laptop.

...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while
researching a single paper.

...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider
"yours."

...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche. 

...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the
library.

...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without
the distraction of classes.

...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

...you consider all papers to be works in progress.

...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.

...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the
actual text.

...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now
just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

...you reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you
realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation. 

...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th
grade." 

...you start referring to stories like "Snow White, et al." 

...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without
getting scurvy. 

...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.

...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards. 

...you wonder whether APA style allows you to cite talking to
yourself as "personal communication." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian.  Eventually will make it to the regular humor 
file, but too good not to share NOW!]

Linguistic Lunacy 


Harlez-vous francais? (Can you drive a French motorcycle?) 
Idios amigos. (We're wild and crazy guys.) 
Veni, VIPi, Vici. (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered.)
J'y suis, J'y pestes. (I can stay for the weekend.) 
Cogito Eggo Sum.  (I think, therefore I am a waffle.) 
Rigor Morris. (The cat is dead.) 
Repondez s'il vous plaid. (Honk if you're Scots.) 
Que sera, serf. (Life is feudal.) 
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. (The King is dead. No kidding.) 
Posh mortem. (Death styles of the rich and famous.) 
Pro Bozo publico. (Support your local clown.) 
Mon age a trois. (I am three years old.) 
Felix Navidad. (Our cat has a boat.) 
Haste cuisine. (Fast French food.) 
Veni vidi vice. (I came, I saw, I partied.) 
Quip pro quo. (A fast retort.) 
Aloha oy! (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should 
never know.) 
Mazel ton. (Lots of luck.) 
Apres Moe, le deluge. (Larry and Curly get wet.) 
Porte Kochere. (Sacramental wine.) 
Ich liebe rich. (I'm really crazy about having dough.) 
VISA la France. (Don't leave the chateau without it.) 
Ca va sans dirt. (And that's not gossip.) 
Merci rien. (Thanks for nothin'.) 
Amicus puriae. (Platonic friend.) 
L'etat c'est moo. (I"m bossy around here.) 
L'etat, c'est Moe. (All the world's a stooge.) 
Fui generis. (What's mine is mine.)

================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

25 Snappy Comebacks to the old question "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet. 

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 

3. What?  And spoil my great sex life? 

4. Nobody would believe me in white. 

5. Because I just love hearing this question. 

6. Just lucky, I guess. 

7. It gives my mother something to live for. 

8. My fiance is awaiting parole. 

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo
doll rituals. 

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal
ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been
considering a trial separation. 

25.  Well, you know that k.d. Lang poster I have on my wall?
 
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) 
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. 
================================================
[from Swedie, via REHU]

Three clergymen and their wives were on a picnic and struck by
lightning.

Standing at the pearly portals, they were greeted by St. Peter.
Assuming full well that they would be admitted with no trouble, they
waited eagerly to get in.

St. Peter said, "Not so fast. We don't let just *anyone* in here."

"But we were ministers," they explained.

"Nevertheless, we do background checks on everyone," was the reply.
St. Peter took out a huge ledger.  The Congregational minister was
first. Peter opened the ledger, thumbed through it, and found the
minister's records. "You did pretty well," he said. "But you were a
bit too fond of money. Why, you even married a woman named Penny.
Sorry, that's not good enough, and we can't let you in." The
minister and his wife slunk away in disgrace.

It was the Episcopal priest's turn. "Hmm," said Peter. "You didn't
lead a bad life." The priest preened. "However," St. Peter
continued, "you were a little to fond of drink. In fact, I even see
your wife's name is Sherry.  Sorry -- you can't come in." The priest
and his wife exited dejectedly."

As St. Peter thumbed through the ledger, the Methodist minister
grabed his wife's arm. "Come on, Fanny, we don't stand a chance." 
================================================
[Forwarded from Noelle, a die hard X-phile, via Amy]

 TOP 20 WARNING SIGNS THAT THE BROADCAST SIGNELS FROM
      FOX's `THE X-FILES' AND ABC's `FORREST GUMP'
           GOT ALL MESSED UP SUNDAY NIGHT...

 #20) Scully accidently shoots Mulder in the "Buh-Tocks".
 #19) In the VA Hospital, Lt Dan Psychically Kills his Former COs.
 #18) Mulder tries to comfort Scully with "To Everything there is a
 Purpose, Turn, Turn, Turn..."
 #17) Forrest Gump is chased by Ghostly Coeds.
 #16) In order to get Fox into the FBI Academy, Mrs Mulder has an
 affair with Smoking Man.
 #15) Army PFC F. Gump meets Marine Corps PFC W. Skinner---who's
inhaling....something.
 #14) Forrest Gump wins the championship Rugby game for Oxford.
 #13) "Truth Happens"
 #12) Looking for the White House Men's room, Forrest walks in on the
 CIA meeting to kill JFK. 
 #11) Scully is singing folks songs in the nude.
 #10) "My Name is Fox Mulder. People Call Me Fox Mulder." 
 #9) In Vietnam, Forrest Drops his M-16 a lot.
 #8) Instead of Bowling Scores, Harold is babbling about Shrimp
 scampi, shrimp salad, shrimp po-boys, shrimp cocktail, barbequed 
 shrimp, shrimp chow mein, shrimp soup.... 
 #7) "Just Call me Gump. Ah didn't even let mah Mamma call me
 Forrest..." 
 #6) When Scully shows them a TV Guide, the Psychiatric Hospital 
 patients all argee that Tom Hanks is the murderer.
 #5) Forrest Gump's boat "Jenny" is wreaked by a Lake Monster.
 #4) Jenny's mysterious disease is caused by an alien implant.
 #3) Violence erupts when Smoking Man sits down on that park bench
 next to Forrest Gump & his Box of Chocolates. 
 #2) Mulder goes head to head against the Chinese Army Bowling Champ.

 And the #1 Warning Sign the Broadcast Signels from The X-Files and
 Forrest Gump got Messed up...

 "Spooky is as Spooky Does."


 Comments, critiques, Requests, & pleas to be left alone should be
 sent to me personally. Permission to Forward this list to further 
victi...er, uh, readers, zines, and archives has been authorized. 
"RJ's Top 20 X-Files Top20s Vols 1 & 2" is available, email for 
details. OR check out RJ's Web Site with the ever growing collection 
of Top 20s and whatnot FOR REAL at THIS CORRECT URL:
    http://members.aol.com/RJCHRISTEN/WorldoRJ.html

[NOTE: *THIS* "RJ" is NO RELATION to *OUR* "RJ Group".]

================================================
[from Kathleen Murphy, via REHU]

HUNTING ELEPHANTS 

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a
subordinate exercise. 

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one
unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual
elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. 

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
  1. Go to Africa.
  2. Start at the Cape of Good hope.
  3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
     alternately east and west.
  4. During each traverse pass,
     a. Catch each animal seen.
     b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
     c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. 

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees. 

DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants
when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query: 
   SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS 
   2 WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL' 
   3 AND SIZE = 'LARGE' 
   4 AND COLOR = 'GRAY' 
   5 AND TRUNK ='YES' 
   6 AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus
15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting
elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants
and their environment.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of
hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting
strategies, if some one else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants
you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the
vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to
ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before
the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a
non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will:
   (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
   (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them
as desktop elephants.

GRADUATE STUDENTS don't hunt elephants, but they sure enjoy driving
around in jeeps. 
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis AND David Kimpler]

A ten year old boy was failing math.  His parents tried everything
from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at the insistence
of a  family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private
Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked
in after school  with a stern,  focused and very  determined
expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his
room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books
strewn  about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long
enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight
back to his room,  closed  the door,  and  worked feverishly at his
studies until bedtime.

This  pattern  continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first
quarter report  card.

The boy  walked in  with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on
the dinner  table and went straight to his room.  Cautiously, his
mother opened it,  and  to her amazement, she saw a bright red  "A" 
under the subject of MATH.  Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into
their son's room, thrilled at  his  remarkable progress. 

"Was it the nuns that did it?",  the father  asked.  The boy  only
shook his head and said, "No." 

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" 

"No." 

"The textbooks?  The teachers? The curriculum?" 

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front
door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew
they meant  business!" 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule
violations, so they decided to start a business together. They
travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened
up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she
was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached
out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was
quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to
believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The
woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone
in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of
town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered
outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding
that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the
townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the
friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed
her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a
plant had swallowed her baby.

The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral
shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the
friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the
people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the
floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no
use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They
again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling
and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town.
But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and
began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the
friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately
packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be
heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.  At the fourth house he was met at the door by a
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh-squeezed  orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed
a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  "All
this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw  him. Give him
a dollar.'

The breakfast was my idea."
================================================
[from Emily Carder via "Just Too Funny!"]

Pick-up lines heard round the world and what you could say back to
them

     May I see you pretty soon?
        Don't you think I'm pretty now?

     I know how to please a woman.
        Then please leave me alone.

     I want to give myself to you.
        Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

     Your hair color is fabulous.
        Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

     You look like a dream.
        Go back to sleep.

     I can tell that you want me.
        Yes, I want you to leave.

     Hey, baby, what's your sign?
         Stop.

     I'd go through anything for you.
        Let's start with your bank account.

     May I have the last dance?
        You've just had it.

     I would go to the end of the world for you.
        Yes, but would you stay there?

     Your place or mine?
        Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

     Is this seat empty?
        Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

     What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world?
        What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

     Haven't I seen you someplace before?
        Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

================================================
[from Dave Wigley, via REHU]

The Rat Story...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop
owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You
can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but
every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and
follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at
his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster,
and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No
matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now
not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing
up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is
behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it
with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay
with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and
clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething
tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they
drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah,
so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
Politician?" 
================================================
[From EcuLaugh.  Originally by Freddie Russell of the Nashville
Banner.]

  FREDDIE RUSSELL'S BIBLICAL BALL GAME

The people gathered (Numbers 11.32)
to see the battle (1 Sam. 14.28)
and sat down to eat and drink (Ex. 32.6)
old corn...and (Joshua 15.12)
sweet water.  (James 3.11)
Eli sat upon a seat by a post (1 Sam.1.9)
and he stretched himself (1 Kgs. 17.21)
that he may see good. (Ps. 34.12)
So the people shouted: (Joshua 6.20)
"Where are the nine? (Luke 17.17)
Let the young men now arise and play before us."  (2 Sam. 2.14)
The first came out (Gen. 25.25)
and went into the field (Num. 22.23)
and stood every man in his place. (Jdg. 7.21)
And Peter called, (Mk. 14.72)
whether it be good or bad. (Lev. 27.12)
As one mocketh, another do (Job 13.9)
with loud voices: (Lk. 23:23)
"Thou art blind!" (Rev. 3.17)
And he stooped to (1 Sam. 28.4)
make clean...the platter. (Lk. 11.39)
And the trumpeters sounded: (2 Chron. 29.28)
"Kohath shall pitch." (Num. 3.29)
And Samson went and caught. (Jdg 15:4)
David was up (2 Sam. 24.11)
on the left side (Eze. 1.10)
and he struck it into the pan (1 Sam. 2.14)
foul.  (Matt. 16.3)
The second was offered; (Jdg. 6.28)
he striketh-- (Job 34.26)
he missed! (1 Sam. 20.18)
On the third (Gen. 22.4)
he struck him out!  (2 Sam. 20.10)
So Levite went in; (Jdg. 17.10)
he stood and measured the earth; he beheld, and drove (Hab. 3.6)
for an homer. (Hos. 3.2)
And all the people shouted with a great shout.  (Ezra 3.11)
And Noah went in, (Gen. 7.7)
and did fly (2 Sam. 22.11)
into the field.  (Num. 22.23)
And Jotham ran away (Jdg.9.21)
and looking back (Lk. 9.62)
gathered it.  (Isa. 62.9)
And Aaron went in, (Ex. 5.1)
and he worketh it (Isa. 44.12)
two and two.  (Gen. 7.9)
And Samson said: (Jdg. 15.3)
"Strike it!" (Ex. 12.7)
And Aaron spake: (Ex. 4.30)
"A good man would (Rom. 5.7)
be not one of them that strike."  (Prov. 22.26)
And the man refused to smite. (1 Kgs 20.35)
And Aaron took, (Numbers 16.47)
and he walked. (1 Kgs. 15.3)
Amon sacrificed (2 Chron. 33.22)
and Aaron ran (Num. 16.47)
into the second, (Heb. 9.7)
and overran! (2 Sam. 18.23)
And with the bag (Micah 6.11)
afar off-- (Gen. 22.4)
a good man out.  (Matt. 12.35)
Now Jeremiah came in; (Jer. 37.4)
then he went out, (Gen. 31.33)
being caused to fly, (Daniel 9.21)
And the men of Israel retired.  (Jdg. 20.39)
Then the Philistines went up (Jdg. 15.9)
And Joseph was...captain (Gen. 39.1)
of the Philistines. (Jdg. 3.31)
And Absalom pitched. (2 Sam. 17.26)
Then Joseph commanded to fill their sacks.  (Gen. 42.25)
Shimei came forth (2 Sam. 16.5)
and stood and walked.  (Acts 3.8)
The pitcher (Ecclesiastes 12.6)
looked this way and that; (Ex. 2.12)
He stretched out (Hos. 7.5)
and threw. (Acts 22.23)
And Archers hit.  (1 Sam. 31.3)
And it came to pass on second (Lk. 6.1)
Job caught (Job 38.5)
the line (1 Kgs. 2.28)
and threw (2 Sam. 16.13)
at the first; (Gen. 13.4)
Therefore David ran and stood upon (1 Sam. 17.51)
the first, (Gen. 13.4)
put forth his hand, and caught (Ex. 4.4)
the toss.  (Jer. 5.22)
This is the second death.  (Rev. 20.14)
Then Joseph could not refrain himself, and he cried: (Gen. 45.1)
"Goodness, if thou continue in (Rom. 11.22)
going down, (Gen. 15.12)
our hope is lost (Eze. 37.11)
and my garments (Isa. 63.3)
and job."  (Job 32.3)
And Abram went up (Gen. 13.1)
and Abram drove (Gen. 15.11)
into the air.  (Acts 22.23)
And Judah came in (Gen. 38.8)
under it, (Dan. 4.14)
and through idleness of the hands (Eccl. 10.18)
the fly (Isa. 7.18)
droppeth through (Eccl. 10.18)
giving him a double.  (Lev. 21.17)
Abraham took wood and (Gen. 22.6)
caught hold of (2 Sam. 18.9)
an hard (Matt. 25.24)
and high (Rev. 21.12)
delivery (Isa. 26.17)
and smote it (Jdg. 7.13)
into left. (Lev. 14.15)
Thus and thus (Jdg. 18.4)
Israel fought against (Josh. 10.29)
the Philistines (1 Sam. 19.8)
till the ninth.  (Lev. 25.22)
For each, one (Num. 7.3)
in the first, (Jer. 25.1)
and seven times (Lev. 25.8)
after that they (Eccl. 9.3)
gathereth eggs.  (Isa. 10.14)
In the ninth, (1 Kgs. 25.1)
Israel went out (1 Kgs. 20.21)
in a row, (1 Kgs. 7.3)
and none came in.  (1 Sam. 18.13)
He sent divers sorts of flies among them (Ps. 78.45)
And they caught them every one.  (2 Sam. 2.6)
The first man (1 Cor. 15.45)
for the Philistines (1 Sam. 28.15)
drew the third, (Rev. 12.4)
and the fourth (Dt. 28.20)
came to the outside; (Jdg. 7.19)
he walketh.  (Job 22.14)
The pitcher  (Eccl. 12.6)
climbed up upon (1 Sam. 14.13)
the mount (Dt. 1.7)
and pitched.  (Ex. 19.2)
And Moses put it on a pole (Num. 21.9)
for an homer, (Hos. 3.2)
and Israel was beaten.  (2 Sam. 2.17)

And behold, the man clothed with linen, which had the inkhorn by his
side, reported the matter  (Eze. 9.11) 
and wrote it in a book.  (1 Sam. 10.25)
================================================
[found by Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic, at
http://www.terranet.co.za/guru/orb.htm]

      Special promotion by the Order of the Red Button

                      (O.R.B.)

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Note: Offer is subject to a twelve month air time contract.
LectoPrayersr are Tele-Comm approved.

Copyright by Hans (JD) Pietersen, 1997. All rights reserved. No part
of this message may be retransmitted in any form or manner without
this copyright notice AND a proper reference to this web page. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian & Kathleen]

Lady D.'s Rules of Klingon Etiquette:

1. Targ are always welcome at the table; Starfleet officers must eat
with the children. 

2. Don't use your sleeve as a napkin; use your neighbor's sleeve
instead. 

3. Loud and boisterous behavior is expected when two or more are
gathered to dine. 

4. No mating rituals shall be initiated at the table without mutual
consent. 

5. Each guest is expected to bring his or her own dagger. 

6. All guests are to participate in the obligatory after-dinner
fight. 

7. If your gagh crawls off your plate, it is fair game for whoever
spots it first. 

8. The smoking of really vile cigars is encouraged to provide that
special "atmosphere" to fine dining. 

9. If your medal falls into the punch bowl, remove it (the medal, not
the bowl). 

10. When dining out, ask the manager what his restaurant's latest
health code rating was. If it was below 70, then reserve the place
for your next banquet. 
================================================
[both jokes are from Barbara Sheele, via REHU]

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.  A few
minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he
knows what he wants.  The guy says, "I'd like a quickie."  The
waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny.  Now, what would you
like to order?"  The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie."  The
waitress angrily storms off after this.

Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says
to the guy, "I think that it's pronounced quiche ..."
=============================================================
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during
World War II.  He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was
sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp.  The very first day at
Pensacola, he solos and is the best flier on the base.  All they
could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an
aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Japanese Zeroes.  Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more
Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the
carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.  He threw
back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. 
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first
day?"  The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one
velly impoltant mistake!" 	
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

The OJ Trial as Told by Dr. Seuss 
------------------------------------------------- 
I did not kill my lovely wife. 
I did not slash her with a knife. 
I did not bonk her on the head. 
I did not know that she was dead. 
I stayed at home that fateful night. 
I took a limo, took a flight. 
The bag I had was just for me. 
My Bag! My Bag! Hey, let it be! 

When I came home, I had a gash. 
My hand was cut from broken glass. 
I cut my hand on broken glass. 
A broken glass did cause that gash. 
My friend, he took me for a ride. 
All through LA, from side to side. 
>From north to south, we took a ride. 
But from the cops we could not hide. 

My trial lasted for a year. 
A year! A year! just sitting here! 
The DNA! The Hem! The Haw! 
The circus-hype the viewers saw. 
Did you do this awful crime? 
Did you do this any time? 
I did not do this awful crime. 
I could not, would not, anytime. 
Did you take this person's life? 
I did not do it with a knife. 
I did not, could not, kill my wife. 
I did not do this awful crime. 
I could not, would not any time. 

Did you hit her from above? 
Did you drop this bloody glove? 
I did not hit her from above. 
I cannot even wear that glove! 
The glove, you see, it doesn't fit. 
The lawyer says you must acquit. 
Acquit, acquit, the lawyer cried. 
Acquit because the cops all lied. 

The jury came back, verdict in hand; 
and silence fell across the land. 
Not guilty, not guilty they did decree. 
Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free. 

And now I'm free, I can return 
to my house, for which I yearn. 
And to my family, whom I love. 
Now would you please return my glove! 
================================================
[from Michael Harnois, via EcuLaugh]

"If you want to follow Jesus, you better look good on wood." -- D.
Berrigan

+--------------------------------+
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is
met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed,
however,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination
for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before
you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was
looking forward to this.  Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test
as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest.  But, the test I have for
you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week
begin with
 the letter 'T'?  Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third,
 what
is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and
Tomorrow!" 

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what
I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I
didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a
year?" 

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!  Twelve!  Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" 

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second....."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. 
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind.  I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can
you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.  Everbody probly
knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" 

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer." 

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" 

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, who art in heaven,
Howard be thy name...."
================================================
[from Susan Polizzi via REHU]

In reference to the Amish :  "While others, who were also Old Order
met in meetinghouses and hymnals."

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Neda, who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon, Silvio gets stabbed also and they all live
happily ever after.

Caruso was the first Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings
attached.

The principle singer of 19th-century opera was called pre-Madonna.

At one time singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since
synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

All female parts were sung by castrati.  We don't know exactly what
they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby,
the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter
Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. In defining musical terms,
they also demonstrate that they know their brass from their oboe.

Music sung by two people at the same lime is called a duel; if they
sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

An oboe is an American tramp (written by a British student).

A Stradivarius is a prehistoric animal.

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people
seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

The main trouble with a French horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a
pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of
playing a piece.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd
better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer was opus.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard
of.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large.

Beethoven wrote three symphonies the Third, the Fifth, and the Ninth.
He wrote music even though he was deaf. Beethoven was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired
in 1827 and later died for this. Do you know that if Beethoven were
alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his
death?

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.
================================================
[from Susan Polizzi via REHU]

Found in a British classical music magazine called "BBC Music
Magazine." 

Jargon Busters 
THE ORGAN 
by Gary Cole (a freelance record producer and engineer) 

Church: Building designed to house pipe organ.

Pipe organ: Regarded as "The King of Instruments." Inspires 
irrational fanaticism. 

Electronic organ: Cheap substitute. No pipes but can pick up Radio 4
on a good day. 

Console: Where the organist sits to play. Consists of manuals,
pedals, stop knobs, flashing lights and non optional closed-circuit
TV to see conductor. Consoles of larger organs resemble flight deck
of 747. 

Manuals: Keyboards for the hands, just like a piano. Each manual
controls a separate group of stops called a "division." An organ
often has two or more manuals; this is so you can tell it isn't a
piano. 

Pedals: Keyboard for the feet. The keys are much bigger than those
for the hands, so you would think it would be easier to hit the right
ones... Stop: A set or "rank" of pipes of one particular tone colour,
such as a flute, trumpet or oboe. So-called because pushing a little
knob in "stops" the wind getting to those pipes. The more stops an
organ has the more it gets organists going. 

Registration: The particular stops selected by an organist - always
down to personal taste. 

Great, Swell, Choir, Pedal: Some of the many different "divisions."
Larger organs can have even more, like solo, positive, echo,
bombarde, orchestral, tower, dome, nave...there may even be a phantom
somewhere. 

Swell Box: Imagine a full orchestra playing as loud as possible all
the time, in a soundproof room with the sound let out through a
gigantic Venetian blind. 

Toccata: Piece for organ and maniac. 

Fugue: Organists play lots of these and Organists play lots of these
and Organists play lots of these. 

Voluntary: You don't have to stay and listen. 

Liturgy: Interrupts the flow of the music. 

Hymn: Justifies an organist's existence 

Hymns for weddings: The Lord's My Shepherd, Praise My Soul. 

Hymns for funerals: The Lord's My shepherd, Praise My Soul. 

Choir: Occupational hazard of being a church organist. Ideal
accompaniment to the organ. 

Choir practice: Preparation for going down to the pub. 

Modern hymn: Musically unchallenged tune for the musically
challenged. Limited to about three notes. 

Improvisation: Embarrassing music to fill embarrassing silences.

Organ buff: Train spotter whose continuing mission is to seek out
all organs. Knows stop lists and wind pressures from memory.
Distinguishing features include mad, bulging eyes and sweaty palms.

Organ shoes: Special footwear, invariably fetid. Believed by
organists to facilitate more accurate pedal playing - usually with
very limited success. 

Cathedral organist: Ultimate ambition of many church organists, i.e.
to give up playing the organ. 

Reluctant organist: Someone in a church without an organist who
admits to being able to play the piano. 

Romantic weekend in Paris: Great opportunity to see lots of fabulous
organs. 
================================================
I found some HILARIOUS lyrics at
http://www.infidels.org/library/humor.

What If the Beach Boys Had Made Christian Rock? (1996) by
Todd M. Pence and David R. Feeney

Unfortunately, they are copyrighted with all rights reserved, so I am
too chicken to post them on REHU.  So go and read them at the website
- songs include

   SAVIN' CRUSADE       ("Surfin' Safari")
   PRAYIN' U.S.A.       ("Surfin' U.S.A.")
   CALIFORNIA CULTS     ("California Girls")
   HE IS ALIVE          ("I Get Around")
   TRUE SALVATION       ("Good Vibrations")
   SIN, SIN, SIN        ("Fun, Fun, Fun")
   WOULDN'T IT BE NICE
   BABYLON              ("Barbara Ann")
================================================
Answers to "Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?" [all three
volumes - #3 is NEW!!!!!]

Volume #1:	[forwarded by Brian - appeared previously]
+------------------------------+
Plato:   For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects      "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into
being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus:  For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:  'cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the
(censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:  What road?

John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Sappho:  Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair
than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological
explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with 
sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct 
evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to 
obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in 
sociobiological speculation.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care.  Catch it.  Crack its eggs to make my
omlette.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as
a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but  also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend 
with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Anonymous Aggie: To demonstrate to the armadillo that it COULD be
done!

Volume #2:		[forwarded by Brian - appeared previously]
+------------------------------+
Heisenberg:  Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either
observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do
both.

Xeno:  The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an
infinitessimal number of segments between him and the other side.

Newton:  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion
tend to cross the road.

Plato:  The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road.
Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads,
imperfectly.

Karl Marx:  She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

Aristotle:  It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

Lao Tse:  Those who cluck do not know.  Those who know do not cluck.

Basil Fawlty:  Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.

Sir Edmund Hilary:  Because it's there.

The Kingston Trio:  The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there
is always alone.

Sigmund Freud:  The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like
all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.

Jacques Derrida:  The question admits of limitless answers, since
there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy
over all others.

Oscar Wilde:  This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them
are equally shallow.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
"Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God."

Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
You did not see that auto speeding.
"Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
God just had a Tygerish mood."

Vito Corleone:  We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Jean Paul Sartre:  To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

T.S.Eliot:  To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay
there for a while And then to move onward to a third place.

Thomas Jefferson:  All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God
with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Confucius:  When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence,
and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen
may cross any road in the kingdom safely.

H.P. Lovecraft:  To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of
the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived
save in the dreams of madness.

Friederich Nietzsche:  There was no chicken, no road, no crossing.
There was only an interpretation.

Darth Vader:  She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Raymond Chandler:  She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black
jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew
that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first
opportunity and never look back.

James Joyce:  Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova
eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into
any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.

Newt Gingrich:  The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative
and not wait for a government-funded traffic light program.

Plato:  Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined in
asmuch as they are chickens, to cross roads.

Virgil:  Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the
road To the other side driven by fate, came at last to the foot Of the
"don't walk" sign...

Bill Gates:  To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway
(NOT road) and into a world where there's a computer in every home.
Its just where he wanted to go today.

Lao-tzu:  The chicken both crosses the road and not-crosses the road
because that is the way of Tao.

The Great Gonzo:  Camilla, come back!

Volume #3:		[forwarded by Amy, except for last one, NEW!!!]
+------------------------------+

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed
the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its
own preservation.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously
interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a
phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs,
which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the
road.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?  He's into
that kind of thing, you know.

Groucho Marx: Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I
had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced
him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the
road.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in
1776.  But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie
during the duration.

Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice
to do so* There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique
to each individual.

James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby
tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...

James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated
conscience of its race.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!  (sing that one)

[from Swedie, on REHU]
Jean-Paul Sartre: because there was NO EXIT.

================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen]

AUTHOR: Chris Hadgis (chrish@mincom.com)

CLASSIFICATION: 
Filk of "Modern Major General" from "Pirates of Penzance".

RATING: G

SPOILERS: 
Several episodes mentioned, up to and including "Leonard Betts".

DISCLAIMERS: 
"Modern Major General" belongs to Gilbert and Sullivan.
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind" belongs to Spielberg.
Scully, Mulder, and The X-Files belong to Chris Carter.

DISTRIBUTION:
Anywhere, as long as this document is intact and my name is on it.



                          SPECIAL FBI AGENT

MULDER:
I am the very model of a Special FBI Agent
I've information paranormal, mythical, and alien!
I know where UFOs crash and I quote the sites historical -
from Arecibo to Roswell in order categorical

MULDER:
I'm very well acquainted too with matters most un-natural.
I understand mutations, both the simple and unusual
About liver-eating mutants I am teeming with a lot of news!
With many cheerful facts about the Gregor clone in Syracuse

SCULLY:
I'm very good at finding explanations for nocturnal lights
I know the scientific names of viruses and parasites
In short in matters paranormal, mythical, and alien!
I am the very model of a Special FBI Agent

SCULLY:
I know about astrology, and what was in that Martian rock
I even wrote a paper all about Einstein's Twin Paradox.
I quote - with trepidation - from those X-Files that are dangerous
With science I can floor peculiarities incredulous

MULDER:
I can tell undoubted UFOs from Venus and toys tied on string
I know the Cancerman's policy is to deny everything
Then I can recall facts and figures as the truth I try to find
And whistle that five note tune from "Close Encounters of the Third
Kind"

SCULLY:
Then I can write reports which will debunk outrageous theories.
And give you every detail of deadly bugs which live inside trees. In
short in matters paranormal, mythical, and alien! I am the very model
of a Special FBI Agent

MULDER:
In fact, when I know what is meant by recombinant DNA
When I can tell at sight a "bounty hunter" from a hybrid grey
When evidence of abductions and alien implants I get
When I know precisely what is meant when they say 'the date is set'

MULDER:
When I have learnt what progress has been made in military jets
When I know more of men in black than I do about Leonard Betts 
in short when I've found out why Samantha was taken from me for
you'll say there's never been a better FBI Agent before

MULDER:
For my conspiracy knowledge, though I'm paranoid and so spooky
has only been brought down to me by the Lone Gunmen - they're kooky
But still in matters paranormal, mythical, and alien! I am the very
model of a Special FBI Agent



Chris Hadgis, May 1997
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Three guys go to a job interview.  The man that's giving the job
interview doesn't have any ears.  The first guy goes into the office
for his interview.  The man says to him, "The job that you're
applying for requires powers of observation.  Make one observation
about me." 

So the guy says, "You ain't got no ears!"
    
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
    
So, the next guy gets up and goes in. The interviewer says to the
guy, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of
observation. Make one observation about me." 

The guy says, "You got no ears."
     
"Get out!!!" screams the interviewer again.
     
Then the third guy gets up to go in for his interview. The first two
guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the
interview doesn't have any ears and he's kind of touchy about it." 

"Thanks for the tip" says the third guy.
     
So he goes in for the interview and again the man says, "The job that
you are applying for requires powers of observation. Make one
observation about me." 

So the guy stares at him a while and finally says "You've got contact
lenses". 

The interviewer is impressed and says "Good observation, but how
could you tell?". 

The guys says "Well you couldn't wear glasses, you've got no ears". 
================================================
[from Sue, via HAND!]

BRAIN TEASERS

1. There is one word in the English language that is always
pronounced  incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents.
What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot
apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at
12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the
tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is
a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color
is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken
glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead
on the floor. How did sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that
has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of
water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same
weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same
time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same
question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978,
thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all
in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

13. Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How
is this possible?

14. What has four legs but only one foot?

15. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?

16. Kindly old Grandfather Lunn Is twice as old as his son Twenty-five
years ago Their age ratio Strange enough was three to one When does
Grandfather celebrate his centenary?

17. Said a certain young lady named Gwen 
    Of her tally of smitten young men 
    "one less and three more 
    Divided by four 
    Together give one more than ten" 
    How many boyfriends had she?

18. There was a young fellow named Clive
    Whose bees number ten power five
    The daughters to each son
    Were as nineteen to one,
    A truly remarkable hive.
    How many sons (drones) were in the hive?

19. A team's opening batter named Nero
    Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
    After subtracting his score
    He took off ten and two more
    And the final result was a "zero".
    How many hits did Nero make?

20. Some freshman from Trinity Hall
    Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
    Two times its weight
    Plus weight squared, minus eight,
    Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
    What was the weight of the ball?

21. The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked one
of the stable hands how many men were tending the horses in the
corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor, he replied, "I saw
eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He then walked away, leaving
the dude scratching his head trying to figure it out. How many men
were tending the horses?

22. One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on his
new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over to the
hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his problem. The
manager said, "I know just what you need". He led Paul down some
aisles and stopped in front of some bins. Digging down into some of
the bins, he set something up on the shelf. "I saw your house when it
was built", the manager said. "Here's all that you'll need and how
much it'll cost... five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30
cents, 250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents.
One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid
75 cents! These are black, but they also come in gold and silver."
What was the manager selling?

23. If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to dig
half a hole?

24. What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The
beginning of every end. And the end of every place?


The Answers

1.  Incorrectly.

2.  1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it
between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3.  None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4.  White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north
pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5.  Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you
follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed
before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the
answer is three.

[Alternate answer to #5: YES - it's either 3 or 4!]

6.  Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which
knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.

7.  None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence
of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for
another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement
too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F
water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the
water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question
said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore,
there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
stack.

12. The temperature.

13. The years are in B.C., not A.D. as you probably assumed. Based on
the system we use to number the years, the years counted down in B.C.
(but they weren't counting backwards back then).

14. A bed.

15. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.

16. This year. He is 100, and his son is 50.

17. Gwen had forty-two boyfriends. 42-1=41. 41+3=44. 44/4=11.
11-1=10.

18. Five Thousand. Ten power five = 100,000. Divide that out (it was
a 19:1 ratio) and you get a ratio of 95,000:5,000 (daughters:sons).

19. Four. If you square it, you get 16. Subtract his number of hits
and you get 12. Subtract 10 and then 2 more and you get 0.

20. Two ounces. (Beach ball, or ping-pong ball?) 2x2=4. 4+2^2=8.
8-8=0.

21. Eleven men (and 15 horses). 11 (men) x 2 (feet per man)=22, 15
(horses) x 4 (feet per horse)=60, and 22 (men's feet) + 60 (horse's
feet) = 82 feet. Also, 11 (men) + 15 (horses) = 26 (total heads).

22. House numbers. Each digit costs 15 cents.

23. It's impossible to dig a half of a hole. Either you have a hole,
or you don't.

24. The letter E. 
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