5/17/97

Why did the chicken cross the road?	[Star Trek version]


Chakotay:  Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect
its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix:  Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens
in this system.  But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker:  I don't know why, but I know how:  with pleasure, sir.

Worf:  KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc:  How should I know?  No one tells me anything around here.  I
didn't even know we added chickens to the crew.  All I know is that it
would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the
road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher:  If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be
something wrong with the universe.

Dr. Soran:  His heart just wasn't in it.  (Scenes of chicken torture
with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Scotty:  Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo:  I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark:  Who, me?

Charlie X:  Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

Kirk:  You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD,
you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Troi:  I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira:  It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones:  Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data:  The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of
the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate
goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by
an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am
unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to
perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage
of...yes, sir.

Dr. Bashir:  It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to
mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

The Borg:  Crossing the road is irrelevant.  The chicken will be
assimilated.

Hugh the Borg:  Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna:  I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations
of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard:  There are four lights!

Q:  Wouldn't you like to know?  Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't
be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura:  Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha:  That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov:  It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for
the billionth time..did I scream this time?

Khan:  With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry:  I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris:  Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're
wearing.

Harvey Mudd:  Chicken?  I don't remember any chicken.  No no no,
there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway:  Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha
Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel:  Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana:  Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock:  Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger:  To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus:  Stupid chicken!  You don't cross the road all at
once!  You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat:  Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can
work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will
be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes:  It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed
roads all the time!  They lost those abilities because they stopped
using them!

O'Brien:  No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley:  I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these
systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal
whootchacallit on the computers and...

Sisko:  It was seeking deeper meaning.  Jake, do you see what we've
learned from all this?

Jake:  Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Geordi:  Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with
women than I do.

Sulu:  Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek:  Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax:  To get to the other side.  Kurzon might have disagreed with me,
Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...

Tuvok:  That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior
officer.  It makes the junior officers nervous.

Gene Roddenberry:  To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.
================================================
[From Dave Gowan, via HAND!]

 Problems in Project Management:
 Why the military services have trouble communicating

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather
together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps,
and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble
communicating with each other.  He begins by saying that their first
project task is to "secure" a certain building, and asks each of them
to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management
plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
 Tell those swabs to:
 -- Unplug the coffeepots
 -- Turn off the computers
 -- Turn out the lights
 -- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
 -- Assemble the company
 -- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
 -- Take control of all exits
 -- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
 -- Assemble the platoon and supplies
 -- Approach the building along three axes
 -- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
 -- Assault the building under covering fire
 -- Sequester surviving prisoners
 -- Establish lanes of fire
 -- Prepare artillery calls
 -- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
 -- Contact real estate agent
 -- Negotiate 1-year lease
 -- Be sure to get option to buy
================================================
[from BJ Birdie, via REHU]

THE MAGICIAN

A MAGICIAN WAS working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once
he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look,
it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the
table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found      
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the
parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not
utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After
a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" 
================================================
[posted on REHU]

               HOW TO SPEAK AND WRITE POSTMODERN
         by Stephen Katz, Associate Professor, Sociology
                         Trent University
                   Peterborough, Ontario, Canada

THE RULES


1.  First, you need to remember that plainly expressed language is
out of the question.  It is too realist, modernist and obvious.
Postmodern language requires that one uses play, parody and
indeterminacy as critical techniques to point this out. Often this is
quite a difficult requirement, so obscurity is a well-acknowledged
substitute.

For example, let's imagine you want to say something like, "We should
listen to the views of people outside of Western society in order to
learn about the cultural biases that affect us". This is honest but
dull. Take the word "views."  Postmodernspeak would change that to
"voices," or better, "vocalities." or even better, "multivocalities."
 Add an adjective like "intertextual," and you're covered. "People
outside" is also too plain.  How about "postcolonial others"?

To speak postmodern properly one must master a bevy of biases besides
the familiar racism, sexism, ageism, etc.

For example, phallogocentricism (male-centredness combined with
rationalistic forms of binary logic).  Finally "affect us" sounds
like plaid pajamas.  Use more obscure verbs and phrases, like
"mediate our identities."

So, the final statement should say, "We should listen to the
intertextual, multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of
Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases
that mediate our identities."  Now you're talking postmodern!

2.   Sometimes you might be in a hurry and won't have the time to
muster even the minimum number of postmodern synonyms and neologisms
needed to avoid public disgrace.  Remember, saying the wrong thing is
acceptable if you say it the right way.

This brings me to a second important strategy in speaking postmodern
-- which is to use as many suffixes, prefixes, hyphens, slashes,
underlinings and anything else your computer (an absolute must to
write postmodern) can dish out.

You can make a quick reference chart to avoid time delays.  Make
three columns.  In column A put your prefixes: post-, hyper-, pre-,
de-, dis-, re-, ex-, and counter-.  In column B go your suffixes and
related endings: -ism, -itis, -iality, -ation, -itivity, and
-tricity.  In column C add a series of well-respected names that make
for impressive adjectives or schools of thought, for example, Barthes
(Barthesian), Foucault (Foucauldian, Foucauldianism), Derrida
(Derridean, Derrideanism).

Now for the test. You want to say or write something like,
"Contemporary buildings are alienating."  This is a good thought,
but, of course, a non-starter.  You wouldn't even get offered a
second round of crackers and cheese at a conference reception with
such a line. In fact, after saying this, you might get asked to stay
and clean up the crackers and cheese after the reception. Go to your
three columns. 

First, the prefix. Pre- is useful, as is post-, or several prefixes
at once is terrific. Rather than "contemporary buildings," be
creative. "The Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural
hyper-contemporaneity" is promising.  You would have to drop the weak
and dated term "alienating" with some well suffixed words from column
B. How about "antisociality", or be more postmodern and introduce
ambiguity with the linked phrase, "antisociality/seductivity."

Now, go to column C and grab a few names whose work everyone will
agree is important and hardly anyone has had the time or the
inclination to read.  Continental European theorists are best, when
in doubt.  I recommend the sociologist Jean Baudrillard since he has
written a great deal of difficult material about postmodern space. 
Don't forget to make some mention of gender. Finally, add a few
smoothing out words to tie the whole garbled mess together and don't
forget to pack in the hyphens, slashes and parentheses. 

What do you get? "Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural
hyper-contemporaneity (re)commits us to an ambivalent
recurrentiality of antisociality/seductivity, one enunciated in a
de/gendered-Baudrillardian discourse of granulated subjectivity." You
should be able to hear a postindustrial pin drop on the retrocultural
floor.

3.  At some point someone may actually ask you what you're talking
about. This risk faces all those who would speak postmodern and must
be  carefully avoided.  You must always give the questioner the
impression that they have missed the point, and so send another
verbose salvo of postmodernspeak in their direction as a
"simplification" or "clarification" of your original statement. 

If that doesn't work, you might be left with the terribly modernist
thought of, "I don't know."  Don't worry, just say, "The instability
of your question leaves me with several contradictorily layered
responses whose interconnectivity cannot express the logocentric
coherency you seek.  I can only say that reality is more uneven and
its (mis)representations more untrustworthy than we have time here to
explore."  Any more questions?  No, then pass the cheese and
crackers. 
================================================
[from Brian Kauk, via REHU]

Here it is --- the latest news from Europe

The Times-Colonist has received this bulletin from our
Brussels-based news service

The European Union commisioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro
for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k".  Not only will this
klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f".  This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that
the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they
would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such a replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli senisibl riten style.  Zer vil
be no mor truble or difikultis and evrivon vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kumn tru. 
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny"]

                           Grant me the serenity
                           to accept the things I
                               cannot change.
                          The courage to change the
                           things I cannot accept,
                           and the wisdom to hide
                         the bodies of those people
                            I had to kill today
                                  because
                            they pissed me off
                                 and also,
                         help me to be careful of
                         the toes I step on today,
                         as they may be connected
                           to the ass that I may
                                have to kiss
                                  tomorrow.
================================================
[from Amy]

Foreign Signs written in English


Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered in many countries of the world: On the menu of a Swiss
restaurant:	"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Rome laundry: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
AFTERNOON HAVING GOOD TIME."

In a Japanese hotel: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR LADIES WITH NUTS."

In a Belgrade hotel: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS
THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Outside a Paris shop: "DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE
ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the office of a Roman doctor: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER
DISEASES."

In a Bankok cleaner: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

In an Acapulco hotel: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL WATER
SERVED HERE." 

In a Zurich hotel: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE
USED FOR THAT PURPOSE." 

In an Austrian hotel (catering to skiers): "NOT TO PERAMBULATE IN THE
CORRIDORS DURING THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT
DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from the monastary: "YOU ARE
WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETARY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN COMPOSERS, ARTISTS
AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO
RUSSIA, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

On the menu of a Polish hotel: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE: LIMPID RED
BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK
LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION." 

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: "COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM IN
YOUR ROOM PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF."

In a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "WHEN PASSENGER OF
FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT
FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH
VIGOR."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY--NO ICE CREAM."

>From the Soviet weekly: "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY
150 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER
THE PAST FEW YEARS."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND
THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR." 
================================================
[from Dickibus, via REHU]

Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one
of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other
one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.
The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then
vice president and president of the company. Before long, his
business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while,
he became president of the parent company.

One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy
died, and the funeral is Friday."

He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger
meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy
the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least
I can do."

Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful
brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following
month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something,
he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid
that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he
called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills.

"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy
all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that
polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since
you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

The graduate with a Science degree asks "Why does it work?". 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks "How does it work?". 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks "How much will it cost?". 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks "Do you want fries with
that?".

     -----------------------------------------------------------

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.

     -----------------------------------------------------------

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the
other side of the street. First they see 2 people going into the
house. Time passes. After a while they notice 3 persons coming out of
the house. 

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." 
The Biologist: "They have reproduced." 
The Mathematician:  "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it 
will be empty again."

     --------------------------------------------------

An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.   The Engineer is first. He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best
solution."

The Physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the
herd, declaring "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd."

The Mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought,
he puts a small fence around himself and then declares "I define
myself to be on the outside!"

     -----------------------------------------------------------

An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the Engineer says "I don't understand why I lost all my
money.  I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run ...".

The Physicist interrupts him: "... but you didn't take individual
variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning."

"So if you're so hot, why are you broke?" asked the Engineer.

But before the argument can grow, the Mathematician takes out his
pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously
here was a man who knew something about horses. They both demanded to
know his secret. "Well", he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I
assumed all the horses were identical and spherical ...".

     -----------------------------------------------------------

As an experiment, an Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are
placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can
opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, 1 by 1.

In the 1st room, the Engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened,
and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he
beat the can to its failure point.

In the 2nd room, the Physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can
popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got
hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure,
and "pop!".

In the 3rd room, the mathematician is found gaunt and sweating,
mumbling to himself "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open
...". 
================================================
[from the Star Trek: Next Generation episode, "Schisms"]

Data's "Ode to Spot" 

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature;
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skill and natural defenses.

I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communication
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilections
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents,
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotions.

Oh Spot, the complex level of behavior you display
Connotes a fairly well-developed cognitive array;
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

================================================
[found at http://www.off-road.com/~beck/henry/commandments.html]

10 COMMANDMENTS OF CRUISERDOM

1. Thou shalt not take the Land Cruiser Gods's word in vain 
2. Thou shalt not say the J**P word 
3. Thou shalt respect and honor the TLCA 
4. Thou shalt take the word of the holy DGTLCB as the one and only
truth 
5. Thou shalt not lie about thy Cruiser's modifications 
6. Thou shalt love thy Cruiser most out of all your earthly 
possessions   
7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Cruiser 
8. Thou shalt not kill thy Cruiser with Chrome accessories 
9. Thou shalt not speak foul of Diesel/Petrol Cruisers 
10. Thou shalt make the holy pilgrimage to the Rubithon at least once
in your lifetime 

Brother Henry (Cubillan) 

And here are a few quotes translated from the TRUE Landcruiser Bible 

"...knowing that Noah had been faithful, God told him to put a
snorkel on his Cruiser and seal the distributor...." DGTLCB, 14, 21

"...and when his wife disobeyed and turned around, the Lord turned
Lot's Cruiser into a pillar of rust..." DGTLCB, 14, 25 

"...when Moses came down the Mountain with the 10 Cruiser
Commandments, he found them worshipping a golden flatfender, and in
his fury he struck down the tablets, shattering them..." DGTLCB, 17, 7

"...Knowing his CJ7 was inferior, Cain coveted his brother's Cruiser,
and in a fit of rage struck him down with a Hi-Lift Jack..." DGTLCB,
21, 13 

"...Even though it had been rolled, Lazarus's faith brought his
Cruiser back to life..." DGTLCB, 45, 6 

"...Thou shalt not look at thy neighbor's Jeep..." 

"...Thou shalt honor the TLCA..." 

"...Thou shalt not kill....your Cruiser..." 

"...Thou shalt not steal parts from other Cruisers..." 

"...Thou shalt make the holy pilgrimage to the Rubithon at least once
in your lifetime..." 

These are just some of the basic tenets of Cruiserdom... :) 

================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

The closest thing to a counterpart that the West has to offer to
Mulla the Sufi sage/fool is Groucho Marx.  I can't imagine how
wonderful Groucho would have been telling Nasruddin stories.  Once I
made the connection, in fact, I have since had a hard time reading
Nasruddin strories without hearing Groucho's voice and picturing the
Mulla with a big mustache and cigar. These "Quickies" have an
especially "Marxist" flavor to them (of the Groucho variety). - Tom

------------------------------------------------------

Nasrudin went into a bank with a check to cash. "Can you identify
yourself?" asked the clerk. Nasrudin took out a mirror and peered
into it. "Yes, that's definitely me, all right."
------------------------------------------------------

"Mulla, your donkey has disappeared."
"Well, thank goodness I wasn't on it at the time: otherwise I might 
have disappeared as well!"

-------------------------------------------------------

A monk bragged to Nasruddin: "I am so detached, you see, that I never
think of myself, only of others." The Mulla replied: "Well, I am so
objective that I can look at myself as if I were another person; so I
can afford to think of myself."

--------------------------------------------------------

A group of Seekers who had come to hear the Mulla's teachings
complained about the Mulla's constant wise cracks and elusive
comments, demanding that he tell them the truth.  "If you want
truth," Nasrudin replied, "you will have to pay me a huge sum of
money." "But why should you have to pay for something like truth?"
one of them asked. "Haven't you ever noticed," the Mulla explained,
"that it is the scarcity of a thing which determines its value?"

------------------------------------------------------

Nasrudin, starving with hunger after wandering through the forest
for days, stumbled into a small town and immediately entered a cafe
and started to fill his mouth with food, using both hands. An
arrogant monk frowned at the Mulla from across the room, and finally
walked over to the Mulla's table. "Why do you eat with two hands,
stranger?" "Because I haven't got three, that's why!"

-------------------------------------------------------

Nasrudin had saved a lot of money. Some friends asked him to go with
them to a fashion show. Afterwards he was asked how he liked it.
"It's a complete swindle!" Puzzled by this typical Nasruddin
response, they inquired further. "They show you the women," explained
the Mulla, "and then they just try to sell you the clothes!"

------------------------------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin went to see a psychiatrist. He said:
'My trouble is that I can't remember anything.'
'When did this start?' asked the doctor.
'When did what start?' said Nasrudin.

------------------------------------------------------

Nasrudin came late among the crowd waiting for the doctor's
attentions. He was repeating in a loud voice, over and over again:
"I hope I'm very ill, I hope I'm very ill!" He so demoralized the
other sufferers by chanting this that they insisted on his going in
to see the physician first. "Why on earth would you hope you are
ill?" inquired the doctor. "Well, I'd hate to think that anyone who
suffers like I do was really fit and well!"

------------------------------------------------------

The Mulla had taken a job in a factory. The foreman saw him lay down
his tools and start to walk towards the door. 'What do you think you
are doing?' 'I am going to have my hair cut.' 'You can't have your
hair cut in the Company's time!' 'But I grew it in the Company's
time.' 'Not all of it, you didn't.' 'All right, then, I won't have
all of it off.' 

-----------------------------------------------------

"Can you do something about My clock, Mulla?" an impatient man
asked. Mulla inquired further. "Well, it is never right, you see; it
is always slow, so that I can't keep up with my busy schedule. 
Anything would be an improvement on that." "Anything?" asked the
Mulla.  The man nodded, so Nasrudin pulled out a hammer and hit the
clock quite hard. It stopped. "You are right, you know," the Mulla
said, "this is going to be a big improvement." Angered, the man
complained, "I did not mean literally anything. How can it be better
now than it was before?" "Well, you see, before I stopped it, the
clock was never right. Now it's right twice a day, isn't it?"

------------------------------------------------------

"They have an interesting custom in England which I would surely
like to adopt" said Nasrudin to friends after a trip to Europe.  They
asked of which custom, exactly, had the Mulla become so fond?
"Businessmen take their secretaries to Paris and pretend that they
are their wives." "But Mulla," they replied, "you are a simple
religious man. Why, you haven't ever had a secretary!" Mulla
replied, "Oh, I've thought of that, of course. You see, what I plan
to do to make the trip romantic is to take my wife to Paris and then
tell everyone she's my secretary." 

------------------------------------------------------

[And finally, an old Nasruddin story, which I have modernized for the
maximum "Groucho" effect, about people who take religious scriptures
too literally.] 

A guide was taking a party round the British Museum.
"This sarcophagus is five thousand years old."

A figure with a turban and mustache who was smoking a cigar stepped
forward and exclaimed, "You are mistaken." The Mulla continued, "for
in fact, the sarcophagus in question is five thousand three years
old." Everyone was impressed with the Mulla except the guide, who
was rather annoyed by the remark. They passed into another room.
"This vase," explained the guide, "is two thousand five hundred years
old." "Wrong again," intoned the Mulla.  "Two thousand five hundred
and three." "Now see here," said the guide, "I don't care if you do
come from the East: people just don't know things like that. Would
you mind telling us just how you claim to be able to date things so
precisely?" "Why Soitenly," replied the Mulla, as he flicked the
ashes of his cigar into the priceless vase. "I was last here three
years ago: at that time you said the vase was two thousand five
hundred years old." 
================================================
[both of these are from EcuLaugh]

Favorite "Back Door" comment:

"I do declare, Father.  Each one of your sermons is better than the
next."

Bruce Green
Grace Episcopal Church
Carthage, MO

+-----------------------------------+ 

From:     "Philip R. Cooke" 
Subject:  New Liturgical gestures

A preacher was distracted in his sermon one Sunday when he observed
some curious Christian aerobics being performed by an old member of
his parish.  He was rather concerned that these new liturgical
gestures might gain some currency and replace the liturgical bow,
the genuflection, or the sign of the cross.

After the service, he greeted the old member, Sam at the door.  He
said, "Sam, I observed some of your behavior during the sermon and I
just want to see if you were OK. Why were you lifting your elbow
during the sermon? Did you hurt it playing golf?"  Sam replied, "No,
I was checking my watch."  The preacher said, "Why were you rubbing
the top of your head during the sermon?"  Sam said, "Well, everytime
I don't understand something I have habit of saluting the top of my
head and saying, Zing!" Finally the preacher said, "Sam, I saw you
pinching the air during the sermon.  Were you trying to catch
mosquitoes?"  Sam said, "No padre, I suffer from remote control
reflex... I am always trying to change the channel, turn down the
volume, or turn it off."

The preacher opined: I hope these new liturgical gestures don't make
the rubrics of the new Prayer Book.

================================================
[From  Knotfil@aol.com, via "Humour List"]


                          McDonnell Douglas
                   AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

                        Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to
develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____
Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________

Altitude________________________

Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth 
  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number__________-_____________-______-__________-___

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

 _Received as Gift
 _Aid Package
 _Catalog Showroom
 _Sleazy Arms Broker
 _Mail Order
 _Discount Store
 _Government Surplus
 _Classified
  _Not(Stolen)

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally/enemy
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
_Blackmail

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Venus
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to
purchase in the near future:

Product 				                Own     Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon(s)

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Qbit
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation                    You     Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest                   You     Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Practicing Qbism
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, FBI, CIA, and mysterious consorta.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

================================================
[from Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

Subject: Very Important Pig (VIP)..... <Offensive to Pig Lovers>

A traveling salesman (who else?) is driving down a country road on a
beautiful sunny day in the summertime when he glances into a field a
sees a very large pig with a wooden leg.

He pulls his vehicle over, stops, gets out of his car and walks over
to the fence to get a better look at the pig.  While he is looking
this oddity over, a farmer approaches him and asks if there is
anything wrong or if he can help him in any way.  

The salesman says, "Well, I was driving down this road and I saw
that pig with a wooden leg and frankly,I was just simply amazed by
this!" "How on earth did the pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer says,  "One night my wife and I were in bed, sound asleep
and all of a sudden I was awakened by that pig licking my face. The
pig had smelled smoke coming from the house, crashed through one of
the downstairs windows, came into our bedroom to wake us in time to
get out of the house and call the fire department from the neighbors
house.

"The fire department managed to get here in time to save the house
with minimal damage," the farmer says."  "Thank God that pig was
around - he saved our lives and our homestead."

The salesman says, "Well, that's great, but how did the pig get the
wooden leg?"  

The farmer started in again,  "Another time, I was out here in this
field on my tractor doing some plowing.I hit a big hole in the
ground, the tractor went over and pinned me under it. That pig was
out here with me. Without a word from me, he trotted as fast as he
could back to the house and alerted my wife.She came out to see what
was wrong and ended up calling the fire and police departments to
rescue me.  

"They got to me very quickly," the farmer said, "and I was
transported to the local hospital where I made a complete recovery.
Once again, I have to say that the pig saved my life."

The salesman was getting a little bit agitated.  He says, "Gee,
that's excellent, but listen, will you please answer me this
question?  How did the pig get the wooden leg??!!"

The farmer just smiled and said, "Look fella, a pig like that - you
just don't eat all at once!!" 
================================================
{NOTE: Please tell me why this one is supposedly funny.  I don't get 
it. -- Teresa.}


[from Swedie, via REHU]

Three women -- one Catholic, one Protestant, and one Jewish -- died
and were standing at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asked for the usual accounting of their lives.

The Catholic woman went first. "I attended Mass every Sunday, usually
at least twice during the week, observed the High Holy Days, tithed,
and went on three pilgrimages to Lourdes," she said. 

"Fine," replied St. Peter. "Go down the hall and turn right."

The Protestant woman said, "I went to church every week, tithed,
taught Sunday School, sang in the choir, and went to Bible Study."

"Good," said St. Peter. "Go down the hall and turn right."

It was the Jewish woman's turn. "I went to temple reguarly, was active
in the Sisterhood, helped with the bulletin every week for 10 years,
and contributed to charity," she said.

"Good," replied St. Peter. "Go down the hall and turn left."

"Left?" she exlaimed. "You just told the other two to turn right. So
what's wrong? Don't I get to stay?"

"Yes," answered St. Peter, "but don't you want to get your hair done
first?"
================================================
[from Berny, via HAND!]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food.  The
waiter says, "No way.  I don't think you can pay for it."  The guy
says, "You're right.  I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?" 
"Deal!"

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.  He
puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the
room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing
Gershwin songs.  And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, "You're right.  I've never seen anything like that
before.  That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the
hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.  "Money or
another miracle," says the waiter. The guy reaches into his coat
again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the
frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch.  A
fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and
offers him $300 for the frog.  The guy says, "It's a deal."  He takes
the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.  The stranger runs
out of the restaurant. The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy? 
You sold a singing frog for $300?  It must have been worth millions."
"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

================================================
[from Beth Carr, via HAND!]

  .. just got a haircut...

  Women's version:

  Woman2: Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

  Woman1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
  mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

  Woman2: Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut
  like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck
  with this stuff I think.

  Woman1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you
  could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I
  think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it
  would accent my long neck.

  Woman2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!
  Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a
  shoulder line.

  Woman1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have
  your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean,
  look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had your
  shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

  Men's version:

  Man2:   Haircut?
  Man1:   Yeah.


================================================
[from Katie Caldwell, via HAND!]

"Two engineers were standing in the park.  One had a new bike. The
other said, "Nice bike.  How much?"  The first said , "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the
bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off
all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted." The
other engineer said, "Good move!  Her clothes wouldn't have fit you
anyway"

+-----------------------------------+

One day in a nursing home an old woman and an old man were sitting
at the   coffee table talking. Out of nowhere the woman said to the
old man "I bet   I can guess your age." The old man replied, "No
way." So the woman continues "OK, take off your pants."  The old man
takes his pants off.  "Now turn around" says the old woman.  The old
man turns  around, and she checks him out, and and continues, "OK,
turn back around   ... you're 84 years old." The old man is in shock
and says "How'd you know that?" The old woman replies, "You told me
yesterday."


================================================
[posted on REHU, from issue 906, July, 96; St. Albion's Parish News]

                     That New
                   Rocky Horror
                Non-Gender-Oriented
              Hades-Free Creed in Full


The President:  We believe in God The Parent and in its Only
                 Offspring Who Became a Human Being And
                Went about Doing Good And Fighting For The
                Underprivileged, e.g. Gay Men, Lesbians And
                The Disable.  And This Person Was Oppressed
                By the Colonialist Regime Typified By Pontius
                Pilate And Put to Death.  The Person in Question
                Descended Into a State of Nothingness For Three
                Days, After Which The Person Returned In a State
                Which Cannot Be Defined.  We Don't Believe In
                Very Much Else.  Apersons.

================================================
[forwarded by Maureen Jais-Mick, via REHU]

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device
(BOOK)

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on.  It's so easy to use even a child can operate it.  Just lift its
cover. Compact and  portable, it can be used anywhere --even sitting
in an armchair by the  fire-- yet it is powerful enough to hold as
much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works:  Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially
numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding
thousands of bits of  information.  These pages are locked together
with a custom-fit device  called a binder which keeps the sheets in
their correct sequence.  By using  both sides of each sheet,
manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.  Each sheet is scanned
optically, registering information directly into your  brain.  A
flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
The  "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and
move  forward or backward as you wish.  Most come with an "index"
feature, which  pinpoints the exact location of any selected
information for instant  retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the
exact  place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK
has been  closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a
single BOOKmark  can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave
of the  future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the
surge in  popularity of its programming tool,  Portable Erasable-Nib
Cryptic  Intercommunication Language Stylus...

================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

Some more tales from the Sufi Saint/Trickster Mulla Nasrudin.

----
Often we make a superficial judgment about what is "obviously"
happening in a given situation, and miss the deeper truth underneath. 
Stories where Nasrudin is depicted as a beggar or town idiot or jestor
tend to address this topic...

Mulla Nasrudin used to stand in the street begging on market-days,
only to be pointed out as an idiot.  People would bring their friends
and say, "Watch this:" and then offer the Mulla a choice or a
large-valued or a smaller-valued coin.  Without fail, Mulla would each
time chose the smaller-valued piece.  He would comment how much
shinier it was, or how beautiful was its color.  Even rich school
children would bring their schoolmates after school and perform this
trick and laugh at the Mulla.  

One day a monk happened to be walking through town and saw this
happening. Now the monk knew what a spiritual man Nasrudin was, and so
he became angry at the way such a wise, kind man like the Mulla was
being exploited for his lack of worldly knowledge. "Mulla," the monk
explained, "you should take coin of greater monetary value, regardless
of its shininess, color, or other superficial quality.  For you will
thus possess more money to spend on other things, and people will no
longer be able to make a laughing-stock of you."

"Oh kind and compassionate monk," replied Nasrudin with a grin,
"things are seldom just as they appear.  You see, old friend, were I
to accept the larger of the coins, people would stop offering me money
to prove that I am more idiotic than they are.  I would cease to
puzzle them so, and be considered to be just another bothersome fool
looking for pity.  And then I would have very little money at all."

[There is a Zen saying along these lines as well:  "If you aim
directly at the target, you will surely miss."]
----------------------------------------------------

Nasrudin heard of a banguet being held in the nearby town, and that
everyone was invited. Tired of begging, the Mulla made his way there
as quickly as he could. When the Master of Ceremonies saw the Mulla
dressed in his ragged cloak, he seated him in the most inconspicuous
place, far from the great table where the most important people were
being waited on hand and foot. 

Mulla saw that it would be an hour at last before the waiters reached
where he was sitting. So he got up and went home. He dressed himself
in a magnificent sable cloak and turban, and then returned to feast.
As soon as the heralds of the Emir, his host, saw this splendid sight,
they started to beat the drum of welcome and sound the trumpets in a
manner befitting a visitor of high rank.

The Chamberlain came out of the palace himself, and conducted the
magnificent Mulla to a place at the Emir's table. A dish of wonderful
food was immediatly placed before him. Without a pause, Nasruddin
began to rub handfuls of it into his turban and cloak. "Your
Eminence," remarked the utterly confounded prince with the utmost
diplomacy, "I am curious as to your eating habits, which are new to
me."

"Nothing special," replied the Mulla. "The cloak get me in here and
the cloak got me the food. Surely it deserves its portion, don't you
agree?"

-----------------------------------------------------------
Nasrudin opened a booth in the marketplace with a sign above it, not
unlike Lucy's Psychiatrist stand in old "Peanuts" cartoons:

ANY TWO QUESTIONS ANSWERED FOR 5 GOLD COINS.

Now everybody smiled or laughed as they walked by, for the coins in
those days were quite large, and 5 coins was quite a substantial sum.
Furthermore, everyone knew of the Mulla's reputation as a trickster
and fool, dispite the religious authorities' claims that he was a
great wise man to save face after one-upping them with his tricky
crazy wisdom.

Finally, a very wealthy man, after passing the Mulla by several times,
said, "Oh all right, I can't resist."  Everyone gathered around as the
rich man place five large coins, one by one, in front of the Mulla, so
that they might hear what kind of wisdom - or wise crack - Nasrudin
was going to share for such a price, hoping to get enlightened
themselves, or at least satisfy their curiosity.

The rich man sighed as he place the last coin on the table, whining,
"'Five pounds is rather expensive for two questions, isn't it?" "Yes,"
replied Nasrudin, "and the second question, please?" "What?" cried the
man.  "You mean THAT counts as one of my questions?" "Yes," replied
the Mulla again.  "Have a good day, sir.  Next!"
-------------------------------------------

One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth
to a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line.
The captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the
truth -- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said
Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very
well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the
truth!" "Exactly," replied Nasrudin, "your truth."
-------------------------------------------
================================================
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the
domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled
a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the company's 1997 cars.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president
of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997
sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag
Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super
Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said
Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday 
when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph
and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling
down the  embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think
about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read
that airbag!"

"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie 
Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in
critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured
right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those
Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to
win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as
she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and
drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's
understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, 
sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when
you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean
serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the
event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be
awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest
rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass
Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the
real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in
the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first
place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a
prize each time you step in   your car are more like 1 in 31
trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no
guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a
drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry
Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car
that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me
is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front
of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate.
That's just wrong." 

================================================
[by Swedie [aka Bonnie], on REHU]

The guy I used to work for -- the man of a thousand plaids -- was
conspicuaously lacking in the "human touch" department.  I had been
sick for a long time, and I was doing my best to just get through my
day. In 1990, at the age of 38, I had a total hysterectomy. I was
relieved to be better, but the surgery and the illness of several
years had been painful, uncomfortable, and draining.

While I was out of work, the printer's sales rep visited the office.
When he asked how I was doing, the boss said, "Her illness has been
a drain on all of us."

Gee, thanks . . . It had been so much *fun* for me.

The only thing that got me through that whole time was the ability
to laugh.

In fact, for my surgery, I decded to put everyone in a good mood and
generate good vibes in the OR. So, I did a little sticker number, so
they'd find a few little funnies after I'd been knocked out.

First, just under my throat was a smiley face.  Then, about
mid-sternum, the sticker said, "Are we having fun yet?"

The third, just above belly-button level, announced: "Now playing:
Bonnie G. in A WOMB WITH A VIEW."

Just below the belly-button: "Final Clearance. Everything Must Go." 

================================================
[forwarded by Barbara Sheele, on REHU]

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

This assignment was turned in by two of my English students:

 Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
 English 44A
 SMU
 Creative Writing
 Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. 
The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth.  Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.

--------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him much her asthma started acting up again.  So
camomile was out of the question.

------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

-------------------------------------------------------------

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel." Laurie read in her news- paper one morning.  The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Little did she know she had fewer than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first
of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours after
the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.  The
President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the
ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow
this!  I'm going to veto that treaty!  Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Asshole.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Bitch.

================================================
[from Carol Chan, via the Humour List.  I've tried to weed out the 
ones that we have seen before...]


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.  One said, ``It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous
systems' many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about
to be guillotined.  The priest puts his head on the block, they pull
the rope and nothing happens.  He declares that he's been saved by
divine intervention and he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block,
and again the rope doesn't release the blade.  He claims he can't be
executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.  They grab
the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at
the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your
problem..."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Guide to Understanding Engineers

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people
who have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with
technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.  This
chapter will teach you everything you need to know.  I learned their
customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall
learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. 
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. 
The word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this
test to discern the truth.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You... A.  Straighten it. B.  Ignore it. C.  Buy a CAD system and
spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting
picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C."  Partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes, "It depends" in the margin of the test, or simply blames
the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."


                  SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic
things from social interaction.  Some of these might be: 
        * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation.
        * Important social contacts.
        *A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions.  They strive to:
        *Get it over with as soon as possible.
        *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
        *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.


                  FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories: 
	(1)  things that need to be fixed, and 
	(2)  things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few 
minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems.  If there are no problems
immediately available, they will create their own problems.  Normal
people don't understand this concept. They believe that if it ain't
broke, don't fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it
doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take
a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary.  To the engineer, the world is a toy box full
of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

                  FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met.  Anything else is a waste.


                  LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's small wonder since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This
is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which
consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the
participation of other life forms.


                  DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false
impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing
appearance above function.  Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the
hole.  They are widely recognized as superior marriage material:
intelligent, dependable, employed, honest and handy around the house.
 While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an
engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with
them, thus producing  engineerlike children who will have high-paying
jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid
thirties to late-forties.

 Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in 
technical professions:
  * Bill Gates
  * MacGyver
  * etc.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and
remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical
death. Longer if it's a warm day.


                  HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships.  That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away
from customers, romantic interests and other people who can't 
handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. 
They say things that sound like lies but technically are not, because
nobody could be expected to believe them.  The complete list of
engineer lies is listed below.  "I won't change anything without
asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I
have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your
new computer."


                  FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness
or mean spirit, it is simply because every spending situation is a
problem inoptimization, i.e., "How can I escape this situation while
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"


                  POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the
ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of
everything else in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers
to be pronounced dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech
areas have started checking resumes before processing bodies. Anybody
with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer
programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if
he or she snaps  out of it.


                  RISK

Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.


                  EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

    * Hindenberg
    * Space Shuttle Challenger
    * SPANet (tm)
    * Hubble space telescope
    * Apollo 13
    * Titanic
    * Ford Pinto
    * Corvair

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

   RISK:  Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent
people     
   REWARD:  A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to
avoid risk is by advising that any given activity is technically
impossible for reasons far too complicated to explain.  If that
approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will
fall back to a second line of defense:  "It's technically possible,
but  it will cost too much."


                  EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
   * How smart they are
   * How many cool devices they own

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case.  These types of
challenges quickly become a personal battle between the engineer and
the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and  neglect hygiene for days to
solve a problem (other times, they just forget).  Once they succeed
in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is 
better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people
are involved.  Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the
suggestion that somebody has more technical skill.   Normal people
sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from
the engineer.

When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase
that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have
learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity
and say something like, "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how
to solve difficult technical problems."

At this point it is a good idea for the normal person not to stand
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon
the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

================================================
[Words and music by Frederick Silver.  Sung in a rather operatic
style.]

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight.
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtledoves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene.
The five gold rings where completely fake
And they turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
I gave the whole darn gaggle to
The A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day what a mess I found
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
        eight maids a-milking
        nine pipers piping
        ten ladies dancing
        eleven lords a-leaping
        twelve drummers drumming

[Well actually I kept one of the drummers]

And sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love"
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were
For the birds"

[Four calling birds, three French hens, 
Two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.]

================================================
[forwarded by Maria Rocco.  Probably TRUE, too, unfortunately!]

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a
popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and
got pregnant anyway.

And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent
chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we
not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a
vaginal gel will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of
noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we
waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help
our public relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked
and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she
has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the
spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because
they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.

"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why
can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for
the hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who
was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.

"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food
section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used
vaginally with a condom.

"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days -
especially when you're sexually aroused?

"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't
sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that
eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the
lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits,"
said another attorney.

"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups,
the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring
legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like
this." 
================================================
