6/1/97

[forwarded by David Kimpler]

MARRIAGE QUIPS

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  --David Bissonette

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
--Noel Coward, 1956

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.  --Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in
Europe.  --Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out.  --Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together.  --Hemant
Joshi

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 
KID VIEWS ON MARRIAGE

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her
back to her parents."  --Eric, Age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the
girl.  He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least
until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular
thing for me.'"  Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the
thing is and whether it's naughty or not.  She can't wait to find
out." --Anita, Age 9

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."  --Kally, Age 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll
do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." --Carolyn,
Age 8

CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED.

"Eighty-four.  Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
--Carolyn, Age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
--Bert, Age 5

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house.  Then they went for
a drive, but their car broke down.  It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values."  --Lottie, Age 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.  They won't
tell me what kind."  --Jeremy, Age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."  --Martin, Age
10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love." --Craig, Age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her
a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."  --Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people.  It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you.  If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."  --Kally, Age 9

THE GREAT DEBATE:  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan."  --Kirsten, Age 10

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys.  Boys need
somebody to clean up after them."  --Anita, Age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.  I'm just a kid. 
I don't need that kind of trouble."  --Will, Age 7

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 
FORMALITY

A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realize this is only
a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"

"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.

"Her obstetrician," replied the young man.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 
WANTING TO GET MARRIED

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning
service.  After the benediction he had planned to call the couple
down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.  For
the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to
be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he
requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.

================================================
[from HAND!]

Samuel Goldwyn Quotes (he was a famous maker of films in Hollywood)

Samuel Goldwyn, when told his son was getting married: "Thank
heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."

A hospital is no place to be sick.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

I can give you a definite perhaps.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn, when told a script was full of old cliches: "Let's
have some new cliches."

Reporter: You say you've never made a picture before? 
Samuel Goldwyn: Yes, but that's our strongest weak point.

Gentleman, include me out.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on. --  Samuel
Goldwyn

I can tell you in two words: im possible.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn, on being told that a friend had named his son Sam,
after him: "Why did you do that?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named
Sam!"

I paid too much for it, but its worth it.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. --
Samuel Goldwyn

I read part of it all the way through.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. --
Samuel Goldwyn

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five
years.   -- Samuel Goldwyn

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century
dialogue.    -- Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do?
Associate: Modern dancing. 
Samuel Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old 
fashioned.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after
they're dead.  -- Samuel Goldwyn

Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no
longer need.  May I have your permission to destroy all records
before 1945? 
Goldwyn:    Certainly.  Just be sure to keep a copy of everything.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. --
Samuel Goldwyn

(On a film set of a tenement) 
Goldwyn  : Why is everything so dirty here? 
Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. 
Goldwyn  : Well, this slum cost a lot of money.  It should look 
better than an ordinary slum.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

That's the trouble with directors -- always biting the hand that lays
the golden egg.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin.  --  Samuel Goldwyn

"...We have that Indian scene.  We can get the Indians from the
reservoir."   -- Samuel Goldwyn

(In discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") 
Goldwyn :  Maybe we ought to buy it? 
Associate:  Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. 
Goldwyn  :  That's okay, we'll make them Americans.

Don't worry about the war.  It's all over but the shooting. -- Samuel
Goldwyn

Associate:  It's to caustic for film. 
Goldwyn  :  To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make 
it.

================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

 Cajun's Understanding of Computer Terms
 
 Apple - Tante Nah-Nah's favorite pie
 Auxiliary Power - A shot of Jack Daniel's before having sex
 Backup - When you run across a skunk in the woods
 Barcode - Fighting rules at the City Bar in Thibodeaux
 Boot up - Where to kick the guy you're fighting with
 Bug - Reason you give when you call in sick
 Byte - What your pit bull did to Cousin Cooter
 Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
 Chip - Pasture muffins you try not to step in
 Computer Terminal - Time to call Melancon Funeral Home
 Crash - When you go to T-Boy's party uninvited
 Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
 Diskette - Female disco dancer
 FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
 Floppy - What you don't want to see on your honeymoon
 Hacker - Your uncle after 53 years of smoking
 Hard Copy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
 IBM - Inherited Birth Mark
 Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
 Keyboard - Where you hang up the John Deere keys
 Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
 Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
 Modem - What to do when your grass gets too high
 Mousepad - Where Mickey & Minnie live
 Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the hook
 On-Line - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
 Optic Fiber - Food to make you see better in the restroom
 PC - Pork Chops
 Remote - Changing the water around the castle
 ROM - Where the Pope lives
 Screen - Helps keep the mosquitoes off the back porch
 Serial Port - Red wine you drink for breakfast
 Silicon Valley - Where Pamela Anderson lives
 Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the Year
 Windows - What you throw rocks at for kicks

================================================
[posted by Tigerman, on REHU]

***Smile--Flasher Exposed By Womans Camera*** 
REDONDO BEACH, Calif. (AP) -- He flashed. She snapped. Police 
developed the case from there.

**Colonel Mustard in the Kitchen with a frog disembowler...** 

                     ASSOCIATED PRESS

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- The frogs are DOA in Christine Karlberg's class.
Her students' task is to find out why they croaked.

Mrs. Karlberg tries to make frog dissection more interesting and
educational for her students by placing the dead, preserved frogs in
miniature "crime scenes" and assigning the seventh-graders to solve
the whodunit. The approach has delighted students and offended
animal-rights activists.

The frogs are posed in doll furniture and given toe tags. Stray
hairs, fake blood, footprints, fingerprints and other evidence are
left at the scene.

The late D. Frog, for example, was found dead in a bathtub. The
erstwhile T. Tadpolian bought the farm in bed. A certain K.C.
Amphibious had a stab wound inflicted by some pond scum.

At Hewes Middle School in Orange County last week, the student
forensic sleuths were ribeted by the exercise.

"It was laying on its back and there were blood spatters on the
wall," Robert Washington, 13, said of his frog. "I was the
criminalist."

Robert said the frog had been done in by a teacher. "She took a
pencil and she stabbed it in the throat," he said. What was the first
clue? "We had pencil fibers and pencil erasings." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

If you think you're having a bad day, consider these poor souls...  

* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb  out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
him. 

* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. 

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure  his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured
skull. 

* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly 
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to
search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing 
him.  

* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled
forward and crushed him to death. 

* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and
found himself in the city prison. 

* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and
flung  over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay
stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the
gutter. It too  drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine
the magnetic  Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
leaving in its wake  three injured bystanders and an even more
battered Bob Finnegan. When  a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one  person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the
space of two minutes Finnegan  suffered a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other  assorted injuries. Hospital officials
said he would recover. 

* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo
Falatti  came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were
coming down.  While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a
goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments
later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short
order by a man in a  sports car. When the train roared through the
crossing, the horse  startled and  bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man
to be trifled with,  Falatti responded  by punching the horse in the
head. In consequence  the horse's owner jumped down from his cart
and began scuffling with  the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not
up to this sort of  excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the
cart into the sports-  car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out
of his car and joined  the fray. The farmer came forward to try to
pacify the three flailing  men. As he did so, the crossing gates
rose and his goat was strangled.  At last report, the insurance
companies were still trying to sort out  the claims. 

* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision
in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his
car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of
impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked
together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries.
Their cars weren't scratched. 

* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four
years  in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that
started  when one of the men threw a french fry at another while
they stood  waiting for a train. 

* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant 
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When
his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the
room,  her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
stoutly  in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she
dropped dead of a  heart attack.  Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he  and his wife were reconciled. 

So... cheer up!  It could be worse.  
================================================
[shared by Nancy, via HAND!  Not exactly funny, but a good story...]

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.........By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate.  He was always in a good
mood and always had something positive to say.  When someone would 
ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I
would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had
followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the
waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural
motivator.   If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there
telling the employee  how to look on the positive side of the
situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person
all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I
wake up and  say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today.  You
can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad
mood.' I choose to be in a  good mood. Each time something bad
happens, I can choose to be a victim or  I can choose to learn from
it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me
complaining, I can choose to accept their  complaining   or I can
point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side  of
life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you  cut
away  all the junk, every situation is a choice.  You choose how you
react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You
choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice
how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said.  Soon thereafter, I left the
restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I
often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of
reacting to  it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are  never
supposed to do in a restaurant business:  he left the back door open
one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.

While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness,
slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.
Luckily, Jerry  was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local
trauma center. After  18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive
care, Jerry was released from  the hospital with fragments of the
bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him
how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna
see my scars?"   I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what
had gone through his  mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have
locked the back door," Jerry replied.  "Then, as I lay on the floor,
I remembered that I had two choices:  I could choose to live, or I
could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared?  Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry
continued, "The paramedics were great.  They kept telling me I was
going  to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room
and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I
got really scared.   In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew
I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me,"  said
Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied.
The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply..
I took  a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!'  Over their laughter, I
told them, 'I  am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive,
not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because  of
his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the
choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. 

================================================
               CARSTIANITY
[Author Unknown, supposedly on the CarTalk website
[www.cartalk.msn.com], but I can't find it there.  
WARNING: *Really* bad car puns!]

 "Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

 Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our
 Four-door, who art in Half-ton.

 I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.

 He is the Alfa and the Romeo.

 He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille,
 and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

 He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.

 Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but
 turn the other Cherokee.

 If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.

 He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

 He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of
 Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the
 Motocross.

 But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

 Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the
 Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur.

 I shall not Walk. He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.

 Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I
 shall Fiero no Eagle.

 Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi
 Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of
 Delorean, Four-cylinder."

 Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

 GM.
================================================
[forwarded by Amy.  Some overlap with recent stuff, but some is new 
as well.]

Marriage Humor: 
--------------- 

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to
his success.  - Jim Backus 

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That  
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  - David Bissonette 

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - 
Noel Coward, 1956 

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is 
finished.  - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

I'm an excellent housekeeper.  Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let 
him keep her.  - Sacha Guitry 

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.  -
Lisa Hoffman 

She's a lovely person.  She deserves a good husband. Marry her  
before she finds one.  - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting    
Harpo's fiancee  

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in  
Europe- Jackie Mason 

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out.  - Montaigne 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant 
Joshi  

By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good 
thing for any man.  - Socrates 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can  
spend.  A  successful woman is one who can find such a man.  - Lana 
Turner 

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an       
institution.- Mae West 

[the authors of the following are not known] 

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and 
suffering. 

Marriage is bliss.  Ignorance is bliss.  Therefore ...  

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.  

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.  

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts  
when they try to decide which one. 

Marriages are made in heaven.  But so again, are thunder and    
lightning. 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only
marry someone that you cannot live without. 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.  

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 
word you say, talk in your sleep 
================================================
[posted on REHU.  I don't think the year can be right.  In any case, 
it's too weird for JP/JO.]

Lost diary of Noah:

At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April
11 to May 1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an
ancient ship-like wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately
below the mountain of Al Judi, named by the Koran as the final
resting place of the Ark" by Professor Horace Ventor (no origin or
organization given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a leading Italian
archaeologist and linguistic expert".

----------------------------------------------------------------- 
425 b.c. Day One

Dear Diary,

First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals
seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become
restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and
elephants on the starboard side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and
hamsters port. Took some work to 'straighten" that one out, har har.
Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get Him started about the furies
of His judgement, and He just goes on and on...) So, off to bed...

425 b.c. Day Three

Dear Diary,


Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left
to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a
pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle.
Sure glad I read those books about building my own shelter and
surviving the Apocalypse; now if I can figure out what "canned
rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean, I'll be in business.

Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided
food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost
eat if you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it,
though, and the koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.

425 b.c. Day Seven

Dear Diary,

Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.

425 b.c. Day Seventeen

Dear Diary,

God decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the
animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples,
forced to live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over
how much yummy white powder mixed with sea water they get to have.
They also whine about how good they used to have it, on the green
earth, eating trees and nuts and berries and each other. Can't sleep
at night.

425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two

Dear Diary,

Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns.
This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale
among the cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. God has helped the
situation somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates,
thus keeping them from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem
is that they know they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear
are anguished cries of "What are they _doing_ to us?" Meat was
stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal thongs.

425 b.c., Day Thirty

Dear Diary

Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as
an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based
upon the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked
whale off port bow excited animals into thinking that God had sent
it to destroy me and my family.  The night has a thousand phantoms
that torment my soul.

425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight

Dear Diary,

I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that
rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walked over to where
Sondra and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean
movie with him! God, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_!
(And I know she digs guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went
to see "Wild One" something like twenty jillion times? She's gonna
grow up to be a skag, doncha know...) So now she's mad a me, but I
gotta get some new crinolines because my old ones got chocolate syrup
poured on them last week at the drive-in, so....

425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine

Dear Diary,

Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read
yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it. Had vision
of strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope:
God has forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin
putting the animals out of their misery, and ending this charade once
and for all. I shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.... 
================================================
[from Richard Sissel, via REHU.  I'm too lazy to edit it.]

You Know Your Getting Old When

( a list taken from the net,categorized by age and added to by Richard
Sissel)

In your fifties
You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer After
painting the town red, you have to wait before applying the second
coat Your back goes out more often than you do You start reading the
cereal box labels again, dietary info on fiber content, rough stuff
The word grand parent comes into your vocabulary Certain medical
terminology appears and creates great joy, like proctology, breast
X-ray, acid stomach You stop doing more than you start doing

In your sixties
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been any where
Your children begin to look middle aged
A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urges
Your favorite part of the newspaper is " twety five years ago"
You turn out the light for econominc reasons rather than romantic ones
Your knees buckle and your belt won't You have too much room in the
house and not enough in the medicine cabinet You eat half as much as
you did at thirty and still gain weight You add a magnifying glass to
your bifocals "Grand" children takes on new meaning Rather than "run"
the apporopriate word is "walk" You can still do the things you could
do at fifty but, when you consider the consequences, you often don't
do them. Another joyful medical word joins your vocabulary "surgeon"
often attached to the thrilling word, "bills" Conversation with your
peers and sibs , rather than what you will do, becomes what you have
done

In your seventies
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You're still chasing women but do not remember why
You know all of the answers but nobody ever asks the questions
You look forward to a dull evening
You just can't stand people who are intolerant
The best part of your day ends when the alarm clock goes off
You burn the midnight oil until 9PM
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
You rarely remember where you are or why you are there
If your spouse is as old as you are and their memory gets as bad as
yours, you are never able to find anything "Children" what does that
word mean "walk" becomes "shuffle" It seems you have stopped doing
almost everything The little grey haired lady you are helping across
the street is your wife


In your eighties
The one being helped across the street is you
You get winded playing chess
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going
Dialing long distance wears you out
A fortune teller offers to read your face

As an observation added in the original list, when reality hits you
hard in the face, it is easier to laugh than cry. Richard who matches
the Bible in length, 66 books of life
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF. . . .

1.  Your wealthiest relative buys a new house. . .and you help him
take the wheels off.

2.  The primary color of your vehicle is Bond-O.

3.  You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

4.  Fewer than 50% of the vehicles you own actually run.

5.  You have refused to watch the Academy Awards ever since the year
Smokey and the Bandid didn't win Best Picture.

6.  The souvenir(s) you bought at Graceland are displayed in a setting
in your home that in any other home would be called a "shrine!"

7.  There is a stuffed raccoon or 'possum mounted anywhere in your
house.

8.  You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality
entertainment.

9.  Never in your life have you been too busy to not go huntin' or
fishin'.

10.  You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

11.  You have a toothpick in your mouth in all your wedding pictures.

12.  You think venison jerky and soda pop are two of the major food
groups.

13.  You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and
a three-day-old growth of beard.

14.  Your only diploma is from the "Trucking Institute." 

15.  You think the styrofoam beverage cooler is the greatest invention
of all time.

16.  Your lifetime goals are to own a fireworks stand and your own
still.
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen M. Murphy]

> :  Accountants do it with Double Entry
> :  Actors do it in the Lime Light
> :  Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
> :  Ambulance driver comes quicker
> :  Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus
> :  Australians do it Down Under
> :  Bach did it with the organ
> :  Bankers do it with interest
> :  Bartenders do it on the Rocks
> :  Batman does it with Robin
> :  Bookeepers do it for the record
> :  Bookworms only read about it
> :  Bosses delegate the task to others
> :  Chess players check their Mates
> :  Consultants tell other people how to do it
> :  Cops do it with cuffs
> :  DJs do it on request
> :  Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
> :  Dentist do it orally
> :  Detectives do it under cover
> :  Doctors do it with patience
> :  Dont's do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
> :  Drummers do it with both hands and feet
> :  Elevator men do it up and down
> :  Engineers do it to specifications
> :  Engineers do it to a first order approximation
> :  English do it with an accent
> :  Firemen do it with a big hose
> :  Frank Sinatra does it his way
> :  Garbagemen come twice a week
> :  Gardeners do it on the bushes
> :  Gas attendants Pump all day
> :  Golfers do it in 18 holes
> :  Landlords do it every 1st of the month
> :  Managers make others do it
> :  Marketing reps do it on comission
> :  Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
> :  Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
> :  Zoologists do it with animals
================================================
[from several people on REHU.  The first part is from Moatman.]

A fact well known to gun enthusiasts but little known among
theologians and musicologists is that the hymn "O Magnum Mysterium"
was composed by Clint Eastwood to celebrate the manifold virtues of
the .357 Magnum.

I am, by the way, a marksman of some note. You have no doubt heard of
people who can't hit the broad side of a barn. Well, I CAN hit the
broad side of a barn. Most of the time. Eventually I plan to attempt
this from outside the barn.

+---------------------------------+
[from Swedie]

Actually, it has botanical origins: "O Magnum Wisterium."

Or was it sung to women during PMS to propitiate them: "O Magnum
Menstruum"?

+---------------------------------+
[from Dave]

Or was it a twelfth-centrury joke book, the "Magnum Hysterium"?

================================================
[from Moatman, on REHU.  No idea where the first half is...]

Hard Hearted Henna
Lie Down Honey
Outigo Indigo
Mood Indigo
Kiddledy Ivy
Hill Mob Lavender
Blind Date Lemon
Lilac a Trooper
Harry Lime
Mason Dixon Lime
My Funny Valiant Lime
Quick Lime
Sub Lime
Free Loden
Impenetrable Maize
Willie Maize
Sweet Molly Maroon
Your Mauve
Afterdinner Mint
Establish Mint
U.S. Mint
Shotan Mist
Mickey Moss
Go-Easy-on-the-Mustard
Plastered Mustard
Army Navy
Swiss Navy
Uncommitted Neutral
God's Little Ochre
Medi Ocre
Wicked Ochre
Strip Ochre
Tappi Ochre
Bringemback Olive
Navel Orange
Im Peach
Com Pewter
Lydia Pink
Politcal Plum
Tuckered Out Plum
Illanimous Puce
People Eater Purple
Unpertur Purple
Silly Putty
Better Dead Than Red
Blooded American Boy Red
Light District Red
Sea Red
Thorob Red
Well Red
Shad Rose
Billy Rose
Cost-of-living Rose
Gypsy Rose
Hackles Rose
Hedge Rose
Glasses Colored Rose
Tokyo Rose
Abie's Irish Rose
Braint Rust
Implicit Rust
Livery Sable
Old Chinese Sage
Polish Sauce Sage
Leapin' Lizards Sandy
Hells Saphire
Lawsy Miss Scarlet
Hi  ho Silver
Bipartisan Slate
Last Straw
Outright Steel
Eppy Taffy
Barroom Tan
Charla Tan
Fan Tan
Convertible Taupe
Room at the Taupe
Tip Taupe
Unsafe Topaz
Down Umber
Unshrinking Violet
Bled White
Civil White
Inalienable White
'Enry 'Iggins Just You White
Fwanklloyd White
Hepple White
Hereford Faced White
White Urp
Whizzer White
Follow the Brick Road Yellow
Stonepark Yellow 
================================================
[from "The Humour List"]

Computer Demonstration Exposition, or Comdex, the number one computer
show of the year is being held in Las Vegas this year, combining
gambling of two kinds of chips: IC and Poker.  While these geek
hunting grounds pour undersocialized techie undulates amid the glitter
of chorus girls, I bring you the following humor from the Internet,
author unknown...


        The Top 15 Things Overheard at Comdex


15> "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's ass any day of the week!"

14> "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"

13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5
minimum tables are over there."

12> "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling
debts."

11> "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"

10> "Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 183!  Pass it on!"

 9> "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split
 that
dollar tip nine ways."

 8> "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique'
better."

 7> "...so Dilbert says to Wally..."

 6> "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd
 take
away my Nintendo."

5> "...and *I* said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my
self-modulating subroutine.'  But seriously, folks..."

4> "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."

3> "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to know
what time you'll be home for dinner..."

 2> "They call this a breakfast buffet?  Where's the Jolt Cola and
 Doritos?"


    and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at Comdex...


 1> "Hey -- where are all the chicks??"
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

A farmer named Clancey lived alone in the Irish countryside except
for a pet dog he cherished. The dog grew old and died. Clancey went
to the priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly
be saying a mass for the poor creature?"  Father Mike told the
farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church;
however, there's a new denomination down the road a piece...not sure
of their beliefs...but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Clancey said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000
is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Mike replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?" 
================================================
[From H. R. Stockert, via EcuLaugh.  Will appear in JP/JO in a few 
weeks, but too good not to pass around NOW.]

FLEECEM, FLEECEM & RUNNE 
Solicitors 
Lugdinium-on-Thames, Sussex 
England 0M0 J0J 


Dies Quadragesimo 
Anno Trigesimo AOC 
(Ab Orbe Condito)


SHUSTER, SHYSTER, SUSHI AND POLLOCK, ATTORNEYS 
3rd Arch Along 
Limepit Viaduct 
Ur-of-the-Chaldees
Re: Creation Contract 

Sumer                                     Bio-Tech Labs, Inc. 
                                          Project ADAM & EVE

Gentlemen: 

Concerning the matter of the lawsuit demanding specific performance
in reference to the contract specifying Mammalia of the Higher Order,
Genus Homo, Species Sapiens sapiens: 

We concede the facts of the case:  i.e.,  that the original models
were lacking in a design specific (navels),  but we wish to point
out that in the progeny of the self-replicating models we sent you
for delivery to the Garden of Eden the design specific (navels) are,
indeed, present. We discussed the matter at the time with your
client, GOD, and have an annotated design alteration accepting the
change to permit a reduced cost for the production of the prototype
and the navel function to be produced in the  self-replicated models
of second, third and future generation. This permitted the
significant reduction in the developmental costs of the original
prototypes and reduced the time necessary for beta-testing and for
program debugging.


We categorically reject the charge that program deficiency was  the
cause of the fiasco in the Garden vis-a-vis the serpent inter alia,
and hold, on the contrary that it was a consequence of operator
error, in that the operator deliberately  and of His own free will
chose to present  TWO  acceptable alternatives  to  the  prototypes,
quite contrary to the specific injunction prohibiting that on page
MCDLIX of the Operator's guide.  We refer you to that section.
(Kindly note the disclaimer in the footnote at the bottom.) 

We reject (and are prepared to defend against in court) your  charge
that the navel is non-functional. We agreed to your client's
proposal to provide the switching module for insertion at that
location. He has failed to provide the module, and we had no option
but to deliver the prototypes "as is" with no further provision for
the switching. 

We had at that time proffered to your client, GOD, a design for a
switching mechanism which would provide the following functions: (a)
an on/off toggle switch,  (b) a volume control,  c a cyclic damper
to control the rate of response to stimulus,  (d) a pain/pleasure
center for use as a behavioral modification device, and (e) a
rheostat to provide a user-friendly control to adjust gratitude
levels to optimal circumstantial requirements.  We offered this at a
price we considered more than fair, and invested heavily in terms of
finance and research capability.  While we accept the right of your
client to have made other arrangements,  we DO think a kind word of
thanks for our pains might have been in order,  and that to find
ourselves now blamed for a choice wholly within the scope of your own
client's scope is going just a bit too far.  It begins to verge on
the sleazy. 

Might we suggest a meeting at,  say,  Tanis-on-the-Nile?  Or,
perhaps, Edessa (we find that a bit more convenient...travelling
North in Mesopotamia is considerably easier than moving West across
the Wilderness of Sin. We are more than willing to reach an
accommodation that is fair both to your client and ours,  considering
the exorbitant costs of trials in the Courts of Sumer, and the
notable eccentricities of His Majesty (glory to his name), Hammurabi
(blessings be upon his name) in matters such as this.  We shall await
an early and (we hope) favorable and affirmative reply to our
suggestion. 

                    Sincerely, 



                    Ken I. Runne, partner 
                    FLEECEM, FLEECEM & RUNNE 
                    Attorneys 

OER/CC/ENCLOSURES (12) 
================================================
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on REHU]

An update from "Jargon Watch" on new lingo flowing out of the Silicon
Valley and corporate jungles....

 "batmobiling"
 Putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers
the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started
batmobiling"

 "prairie dogging"
 In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and
everyone pops up to look

 "ribs 'n' dick"
  A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're
supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"

 "betamaxed"
 When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but
better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out
of the market"

 "generica"
 Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so
lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

 "going postal"
 Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on
shooting rampages

 "high dome"
 Egghead, scientist, PhD

 "irritainment"
 Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial

 "meatspace"
 The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon
community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

 "percussive maintenance"
  The fine art of whacking a device to get it working

 "siliwood"
  The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also
"hollywired"

 "square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend)
 Computer

 "treeware"
 Manuals and documentation

 "umfriend"
 Sexual relationship; "this is Dale, my...um...friend"

 "yuppie food coupons"
  Twenty dollar bills from an ATM
================================================
[a recent thread on REHU, from several people.  The first one is from 
Barbara Sheele]

Mammograms require your breast to go gymnastic.  If you have
extremely agile breasts, you should do fine.  Most breasts however,
pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular, so they are
woefully unprepared.

But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple
exercises.

EXERCISE 1:  Refrigerate two bookends overnight.  Lay one of your
breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookend together as hard as you can.  Repeat three times daily.

EXERCISE 2:  Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer.  Feed the
breast into the machine and start cranking.  Repeat twice daily.

EXERCISE 3:  (Advanced)  Situate yourself comfortably on your side on
the garage floor.  Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear
tire of the family van.  When you give the signal, hubby will slowly
ease the car into reverse.  Hold for five seconds.  Repeat on the
other side.

+---------------------------------------+
[from Swedie]

Thank you, Barbara, for keeping me abreast.  Next time I go for one,
I won't feel like a total boob.

At my first mammogram, the technician asked me if there were any
history of breast cancer in my family. "No," I told her. "There's no
history of any *breasts* in my family." 
+---------------------------------------+
[from Spider Robinson's "Time Travelers Strictly Cash"]

The last time I was at Callahans, Fast Eddie brought in a jug of his
moonshine to pass around.  He said he called it Mother's Milk.  As he
was setting it down on the bar, the jug slipped from his fingers and
headed for the floor.  Fast Eddie is fast, but it was Doc Webster who
caught the jug - and in the stop-frame stillness that usually follows
such events, he sang clearly, "Catch that paps-y spirit...."

Actually there are NINE puns that could have been made here - but the
Doc lactate.  Just as well - one shouldn't milk a joke, if he wishes
to put his breast-feed forward.
+---------------------------------------+
[from Swedie]

Ah, but this discussion has been most titillating.

================================================
[from Swedie, via REHU]

Three priests -- one just recently out of seminary, one a little
more seasoned, and one quite a bit older -- needed to go to a
religious convention in Pittsburgh.  They had to take the train from
Grand Central Station.

In the lobby, the young priest was delegated the responsibility of
purchasing the tickets. As he approached the ticket window, he
noticed that the clerk was not only female and well-endowed, but
dressed to display it. Although he had taken his vows, his hormones
still worked, and he couldn't help but stare. He got flustered.
"Three pickets to Titsburgh," he fumbled. Realizing what he said,
blushing profusely, he left the window without buying the tickets.
Sheepishly, he approached the other two priests and told them what
had happened.

"Never mind," said the middle-aged priest. "I'm seasoned. I can
handle it." So, taking the money, he approached the ticket window. He
found, however, that he was not as jaded or prepared as he thought.
He, too, was distracted by the display. "Two tickets to Pittsburgh,
please," he managed. But he, too, lost it: "I'd like my change in
nipples and dimes." Realizing his gaffe, he was mortified and left
his change at the window.

It was his turn to approach his fellow priests and explain what
happened. The older priest sighed and said, "My sons, in my 40 years
of priesthood, I have seen just about everything, and I can handle
anything with composure." He took the money and stepped up to the
booth. He saw the problem and was ready to deal with it head-on.
"Young lady," he admonished, "I see that God has given you . . . er
. . . certain gifts. However, your immodesty is unbecoming, and
dressing as you do is sure to bring you nothing but trouble. In fact,
when you get to heaven, I am sure that Saint Finger will be pointing
his peter at you!" 

================================================
[from CathyinTX, via HAND!]

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet?  Have
your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your
computer monitor?  How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and
losing touch with reality?  Take the Net Addict's Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your
score to see if you should be concerned:
 ------------------------------------------------------------------ 
 1.  What do you think are good names for children?
        a) Scott and Jenny.
        b) Bill Gates IV.
        c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

 2.  What's a telephone?
        a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
        b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
        c) Something you plug into a modem.

 3.  Which punctuation is most correct?
        a) I had a wonderful day!
        b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
        c) I had a wonderful day :-)

 4.  You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
        a) Visit the washroom.
        b) Raid the fridge.
        c) Check your E-mail.

 5.  What are RAM and ROM?
        a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
        b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
        c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

 6.  To avoid a virus you should:
        a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
        b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
        c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

 7.  When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
        a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
        b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
        c) Go to Yahoo!

 8.  When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
        a) Call the retailer.
        b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
        c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

 9.  When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
        a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
        b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
        c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

 10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
        a) Hi, I'm Jane!
        b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
        c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

 11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
        a) Tell me more about yourself.
        b) What's your star sign?
        c) What's your Profile?

 12. If you really like the person, you say:
        a) Could you tell me your phone number?
        b) What's your E-mail address?
        c) Let's chat Private.

 13. When I say spam, you think:
        a) Ham in a can.
        b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
        c) I mailbomb all spammers!

 14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
        a) I don't need another mug coaster.
        b) Great!  I'll reformat and use it for backups.
        c) Great!  I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50
        hours.

 15. When you want to research a reference you:
        a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
        b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
        c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

 16. When you write a letter you:
        a) Put pencil to paper.
        b) Open Eudora.
        c) Ask: What's a letter?  Is it like E-mail?

 17. Different types of text formatting include:
        a) Writing and printing.
        b) Underline and double-strike.
        c) Bold and italic.

 18. You correct errors using:
        a) An eraser.
        b) White-out.
        c) Backspace or delete.

 19. You sign your name:
        a) Best regards, John Smith.
        b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
        c) Check out my home page for the cool links,
        johnsmith@aol.com.

 20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
        a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
        b) Take it to the photocopier.
        c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

 SCORING:  Give yourself zero points for each "a" response,
      five for each "b"  and 10 for each "c".

 If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more
     hours in real life.

 If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix
 of Net and reality.

 If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
================================================
[posted on REHU]

Hardware Download Satire Backfires
By Jon Motavalli
June 3, 1997 12:10 PM PDT
Yahoo! Internet Life 



Want to download some free hardware? Impossible you say? Well, a
columnist at PC World magazine's Web site found out the hard way
that some people don't see the humor in this playful prank.

Last month, Gil Bates, a PC World columnist, wrote a column about a
brand-new system called Shardware (shared hardware). This
revolutionary system was said to enable users to download the "Haze
56.6Kbps modem" or the "SeaQuest 2.1GB hard disk" over the Internet.

According to "Bates," who prefers not to give out his real name,
1,200 people tried to download the hard drive, and 1,600 tried to
download the modem, during the first few days the piece appeared.
What they got for their trouble was a message that told them they
were too late, the beta period had run out for the product. What did
Bates get? Lots of angry e-mail messages.

We asked Bates what was his motivation for this bit of satire. "My
motivation? Malice! No, seriously, what motivated me? It was just a
joke," Bates said. "I've done six or seven columns under the banner
'PC Warped.' The whole premise is poking fun at various Web
conventions." 

The problem was that some people didn't see the humor. "A surprising
number of people didn't get it," said Bates. "The problem was because
the links to the column were not labeled 'satire' or had little
smiles. People don't necessarily register irony and humor on the
Web." Bates said he responds quickly to the "negative" e-mail
messages and explains that it was a joke. He makes no apology for
the joke, but apologizes "for any inconvenience" that he may have
caused. "My heart goes out to some people who were genuinely
distressed." 

But get this. Bates also claims to have received positive feedback,
as well, including an e-mail message informing him that a modem had
been successfully downloaded and was "working wonderfully." 

Has Bates been deterred from doing other satires? "Everyone seems to
want to download free stuff, so it occurred to me, why not hardware?
I'm thinking of putting up a Monitor available through download, to
see just how far people are willing to go," Bates said. 
================================================
[another one too good to wait!]

[forwarded by Reverend Orme, via REHU]

There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a
large,  well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been
there for many  years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was
very full of  himself. having taken a number of prizes for preaching
in seminary he was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit.
Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject
in the world that I could, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical
text for and then be able to preach a sermon." The senior priest
decided to put his young charge to the test. "Well, my boy," he said,
"don't you be preparing any sermon for mass next Sunday. Instead,
when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope which I
will have put there. Inside the envelope there will be a single sheet
of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to
find any kind of text that will fit." The young priest looked forward
to the test with relish. The day came. He ascended the stairs into
the pulpit. His boss was squirming with anticipation. The young man
opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of paper on which was
written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed: "And Moses took
the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
+------------------------------------------+ 
[reply to above, from Swedie] 

"For my sighing comes as my bread, and my groanings are poured out
like water." Job 3:24

"The crowd standing by heard it and said that it had thundered." John
(appropriately) 12:29 

================================================
[too good to wait for JP/JO!]

>From "How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew", by David M. Bader (Avon 
Books, ISBN 0-380-77599-9, $9.00 US/$11.00 Canada). Available in 
bookstores everywhere, or order online with a discount from 
Amazon.com Books. Also available by phone or mail. U.S. Orders: Dial 
1(800)223-0690 and press "4." International Orders: (201)967-5810

Main website: http://www.extremely.com/
+--------------------------------------+
Excerpts

"He who gives a coin to the poor is rewarded with six blessings, but
he who makes a pledge to charity receives a free tote bag." 
               The Extremely Reform Talmud

"Thou shalt not stand outside the synagogue on the High Holy Days
scalping thy tickets to the services." 
               The Extremely Reform Ethics of the Fathers

"Among the beasts of the field, ye shall not eat of them that are
shown mating on The Discovery Channel." 
               The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"They shall beat their swords into ploughshares, And their spears into
pruninghooks, And nation shall not lift up sword against nation, But
instead shall clobber one another with ploughshares and pruninghooks."

               The Extremely Reform Prophecy of Isaiah 

"If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, send me a note or a reminder or
something."
               The Extremely Reform Book of Psalms

"And God said unto Moses: 'You shall instruct thy people, "Do not mix
meat with milk.  Do not place a non-recyclable product in a recycling
receptacle.  Pile your newspapers, magazines, and flattened cardboard
boxes in a big bundle, tied with string.  Never put an old car battery
out with the garbage."'"
               The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"And God said unto Moses: 'Let thy people build me a sanctuary, that I
might dwell amongst them.  And make sure it has a lounge and a
community center, that I might have a place to schmooze.  Also, an
indoor swimming pool might be nice.'"
               The Extremely Reform Book of Exodus

"And you shall celebrate the New Year in the Seventh Month of the
Year, and you shall not find this confusing, and it shall be a day of
rest, except that you shall repeatedly blow the ram's horn until you
cause an animal stampede."
               The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"Thy God shall be my God and thy people shall be my people.  And thy
people on the coast shall be my people on the coast.  And thy people
shall call my people and we'll do lunch.  Ciao!"
               The Extremely Reform Book of Ruth

"And God said, 'It is not good that Adam should be alone.  I will make
a helpmeet for him.'  And God took a rib from Adam while he slept. 
And God said unto Adam, 'Behold, I have made for you a WASP named
Katherine.'  And they were both naked, man and wife, and were not
ashamed, for they had not either of them any parent threatening to
disown them."
               The Extremely Reform Book of Genesis

"Our sins are grievous and the God of Israel is wroth against us. 
The great Jewish delicatessens goeth downhill and are frequented not
by the old regulars.  The Catskills lie forsaken and desolate, except
for 'singles weekends' at the Concord, which the Almighty findeth
disgusting.  The people shunneth or eateth most sparingly of the
Hebrew National Salami, for, speaking candidly, who needs all that
fat and sodium?  The old dwelling places of the Lower East Side of
New York are become the habitation of bizarre performance artists,
yet South Beach in Miami hath gotten too trendy to retire to and play
shuffleboard.  And people wonder why I'm depressed."
               The Extremely Reform Lamentations of Jeremiah


[Enough already.  Go get a copy of the book!!!!]
================================================
[from THE HUMOUR LIST]

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In
Victoria's Secret:

     #10    Does this come in children's sizes?
     #9     No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
     #8     I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
     #7     Mom will love this.
     #6     Oh the size won't matter.  She's inflateable.
     #5     No need to wrap it up.  I'll eat it here.
     #4     Will you model this for me???
     #3     The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 
	 #2     45 bucks??  You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud
in Victoria's Secret:

     #1     Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

================================================
more from 
"How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew", by David M. Bader (Avon Books,
ISBN 0-380-77599-9, $9.00 US/$11.00 Canada). Available in bookstores
everywhere, or order online with a discount from Amazon.com Books.
Also available by phone or mail. U.S. Orders: Dial 1(800)223-0690
and press "4." International Orders: (201)967-5810

Main website: http://www.extremely.com/
+--------------------------------------+

Extremely Reform Diaspora Travel Tips
(Hassle-Free ways to be a Migrant People)

RULE 1
        Learn an easily transportable trade (e.g. moneylender,
        hairstylist, persecution consultant)

RULE 2
        Sew name tags into all your yarmulkes

RULE 3
		Travel light.  The following basic items may be all you need:

* Toothbrush
* Change of underwear
* Drip-dry prayer shawl
* Torah scroll (with Itty Bitty Book light)
* Toilet paper (if fleeing to Eastern Europe)

RULE 4
        Save your receipts.  You may qualify for the "International
        Social Pariah Tax Credit."

+--------------------------+

Diaspora: a Greek term meaning "migration to countries where
everyone hates you"

THE TALMUD

While some Jews ran for their lives, others stayed in the Holy Land
and wrote a comprehensive code of Jewish law, the Talmud.  This task
took centuries, hindered by persecution, writer's cramp, and a
running debate over whether the Talmud should prohibit snacks between
meals.

Why did generations of Jewish scholars consecrate their lives to
Talmudic study?  Possibly, the endorsements.  ("A long day of
circular reasoning can give a great sage a terrible headache.  That's
why Rabbi Joshua gives his blessing to Talmudic Strength Excedrin.") 
It took rabbis 300 years to compile the Jerusalem Talmud and 200 more
to finish the Babylonian Talmud.  Extremely Reform rabbis have spent
the last thousand years trying to sell the movie rights. 
================================================
[posted on REHU by Barbara, but originally from who knows?]

      Ode To A Mammogram


For years 'n years, they told me
"Be careful of your breasts
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law. . .
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a MAMMOGRAM
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," the nurse said,
As she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My BOOB was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched 'n stretched
>From way up by my chin,
And my poor TIT was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip....
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!!!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now, let's get the other one,"
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now,
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped...Ker-Pow!!!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "WITHOUT".


 * AmyBW v2.11 *
... Fifo: Common Name For A Dog.

================================================
[from Rosita Peralta]

The Pope and a Republican died on the same day, therefore arrived at
the Pearly Gates together.  St. Peter was already there, waiting to
scort them into their respective rooms.

They walked  the Pope to his room first.  It is a big, brightly lit
room, queen size bed, TV, cassette player, lots of books, a desk and
a few other things.

When they get to the Republican's room he is shock.  It is a HUGE
room, full of crystal lamps, BIG SCREEN TV, a CD player, all sorts
of games, a jacuzzi, a refrigerator, a small bar, and a lot of fruit,
snacks, etc., etc.

Surprised, he asked St. Peter:  Why is my room better than the
Pope's?

St. Peter replied:  My Son, we have sooooo many Popes here,   on the
other hand, you are the FIRST Republican to make into Heaven!! 
================================================
[from HAND!]

             Postmaster General Warning...

The Postmaster General released a warning last Wednesday concerning
a matter of major importance to anyone who ever uses the USPS.
Apparently, a new paper virus has been engineered by someone at
Dartmouth that is unparalleled in its destructive capability.

What makes this virus so terrifying, said the U.S. Postal Service,
is the fact that no genetic material needs to be exchanged for
someone new to be infected.  It can be spread through the existing
mail systems of the world.  Once a person is infected, one of several
things can happen.  If the person has a sex drive, that will most
likely be destroyed.  If the virus is not stopped, it can place the
person's nervous system in an nth-complexity infinite binary
loop--which can severely damage neurons if it is not stopped before
long.  Unfortunately, most novice mail users will not realize what
is happening before it is too late.

Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as
the "Million Dollar" virus.  It always travels to new hosts the same
way: in a large envelope with the text "You May Have Already Won One
Million Dollars" on the envelope.

Avoiding infection is easy once the letter has been received--don't
read it.  The act of opening the envelope releases pheromones that
cause a hypnotic-like response as the virus takes over the reader's
central nervous system.  The virus is highly intelligent--it will
force the victim to make copies of itself and mail them to everyone
whose mailing address is contained in an address book or on a piece
of received mail, if it can find one.  It will then proceed to trash
the nervous system it has taken over.

The bottom line here is--if you receive a piece of mail with "You
May Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on it, throw it out
immediately! Do not read it!  Rest assured that whoever's name was in
the return address was surely struck by the virus.

Warn your friends and local mail users of this newest threat to
their health! It could save them a lot of time and money. 
================================================
and even more from 
"How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew", by David M. Bader (Avon Books,
ISBN 0-380-77599-9, $9.00 US/$11.00 Canada). Available in bookstores
everywhere, or order online with a discount from Amazon.com Books.
Also available by phone or mail. U.S. Orders: Dial 1(800)223-0690 and
press "4." International Orders: (201)967-5810

Main website: http://www.extremely.com/
[because I *REALLY* like this book!!!!!]
+--------------------------------------+
Exodus Timeline

Birth of Moses.  Infant Moses is hidden in bulrushes, found and raised
by royal family.

Birth of Shirley MacLaine (in a previous life).

Moses slays a cruel Egyptian slavemaster.  Flees country after being
profiled on "Egypt's Most Wanted."

Working as shepherd in desert, Moses sees burning bush and interprets
divine message: Breed flame-retardant sheep.

God tells Moses, "You cannot see My face, for man cannot see Me and
live."  Moses gathers that God looks like a blind date he once had.

Hoping to free the Jews, Moses tries to frighten Pharaoh by performing
magic and miracles with shepherd's staff.  Pharaoh is unmoved.

Moses calls a shepherd's staff meeting.  Moses' Vice President for
Signs and Wonders and his Administrative Assistant for Plague
Implementation make strong presentations.

Plagues ensue.  In case death of Egyptian first-born doesn't persuade
Pharaoh, Moses has backup plan: spontaneous combustion of second-born.

Pharaoh is convinced.  Tells Israelites to depart by 11 am, so rooms
can be readied for afternoon slave arrivals.

Pharaoh changes mind and chases Israelites to Red Sea.  Ignores metro
traffic report: "Red Sea is closing in, with both lanes coming to a
complete halt and massive drowning likely."

Egyptian chariots become tangled in beach towels and volleyball nets
and are unable to escape total destruction.
================================================
[from BJ Birdie, on REHU.  A couple of Auditor jokes.]

A new version of the STANDARD AUDITORS' REPORT


We have eyeballed the ball park figures on the balance sheet as of
December 31, 19X1, and the related statements of lies, retained
deficits and flows of executive petty cash for the year then ended.
These financial statements are the responsibility of the Company's
earnings management department. Our responsibility is to make sure we
have some justification for their accounting in case we get hauled
into court.

We conducted our audit in accordance with generally accepted auditing
standards (mindful of the fact that we'd better not lose this
account). Those standards require that we plan and perform the audit
to obtain a fuzzy feeling about whether the financial statements
represent anything close to reality. An audit includes a general
rationalization of the so-called accounting policies and such tests of
the accounting records and other unsupported entries as we considered
unavoidable, subject to the constraints of our time budget and audit
fee.

Our gut feeling is that these ball park figures are not too far out
in left field and we feel fit to roll with them as the financial
position of the Company as of December 31, 19X1, having been prepared
in accordance with generally accepted corporate memos applied
randomly on a basis consistent with that of producing a satisfactory
profit for the year.

Take Care

AU Ditor

+--------------------------------------------+

The snake and the bunny rabbit are both walking (and slithering)
through the forest when they bump into one another. They are both a
little on the blind side and therefore do not realise who they
bumped into.

SNAKE :   "Hello little animal.  I do not know what you are!  Would
you mind if I wrap myself around you so as to feel what you are?"

RABBIT :  "No problem!!"

The snake coiled around the rabbit.

SNAKE :   "Well, you have a cold little nose, long, fluffy ears, and a
fluffy tail.  You must be a bunny rabbit!"

RABBIT :  "You are so clever other animal.  Can I now touch you and
feel what you are?"

SNAKE :   "Of course bunny!"

The rabbit touches the snake all over.

RABBIT :  "You have a forked tongue, a scaly skin, round small eyes
and feel very cold. Mmmm, what the hell are you...?"

SNAKE :   "An audit partner of course!!"
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID.

A FRIEND OF MINE, IN THE INTEREST OF KEEPING ME OUT OF TROUBLE, SENT
ME THIS LIST OF 36 POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID.

A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
A few clowns short of a circus.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
An experiment in artificial stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his Corn Flakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of two, but it takes three to grunt.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slink's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart
than most.
================================================
