6/9/97

[forwarded by Mark Huth, via REHU.  Unfortunately, the answer key 
and scoring info is missing.  Anybody else have it????  It's funny 
enough just reading it!]

               J O K E M A S T E R ' S   H U R R I C A N E
                        S U R V I V A L   Q U I Z

  1. How are hurricane's names selected?
    a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
    b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
    c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
    d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them

  2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
    a. Category 5
    b. Red Alert
    c. Costly
    d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

  3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
     Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling
     West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH
     leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would
     they meet?
    a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
    b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a
       blowhard like Guido
    c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop
       and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
    d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West

  4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and
     see a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing you 
     think?    
    a. It's got the right of way!  It's got the right of way!    
    b. This is the last time I fly no-frills.    
    c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!    
    d. I gotta change my shorts!

  5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
    a. you get in its way
    b. it's had a REALLY bad day
    c. you try to stop it to ask directions
    d. you do not yield right of way

  6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
    a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
    b. They have REALLY good binoculars
    c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
    d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings

  7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
    a. Sell it - QUICK
    b. Bury it and dig it up later
    c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
    d. Two words -- Duct tape

  8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is 
     confirmed to be heading in your direction?
    a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
    b. Air drop a roadmap into the eye, of another area
    c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
    d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building

  9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
    a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
    b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
    c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
    d. Go on a picnic, to the beach

  10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
    a. When the water level reaches the roof
    b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
    c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
    d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls

  11. Where should you evacuate?
    a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
    b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or Florida's
       mountains
    c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
    d. Out to sea on a small craft

  12. Why should you not stay close to the beach
    a. All the best spots are probably taken
    b. Track in too much sand
    c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
    d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves

  13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not...
    a. stare; it's impolite
    b. make direct eye contact
    c. offer it some Visine
    d. ask if it's seen Dorthy and Toto

  14. What happens after the eye passes?
    a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you
    b. It can't see you any more
    c. You can expect the nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
    d. It winks and waves good-bye

  15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
    a. Locate your computer
    b. Determine if your computer is operational
    c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer 
    d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to
       your computer

  16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
    a. Local government     (also blown away)
    b. State government     (can't afford to help)
    c. Federal government   (doesn't care)
    d. Foreign governments  (the Japanese are looking for investments)

  17. What services should you expect to be without, after a 
      hurricane?    
    a. Electricity     (no cold beer)
    b. Telephone       (no modem)
    c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
    d. Call girls/guys (pray the rebuilding begins soon)

  18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane?
    a. Still looking for pieces of your house
    b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
    c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
    d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you
       need no emergency help

10 points if you don't live on the East coast
-2 if you're unsure
 2 if you can spell hurricane
================================================
[forwarded by Moatman, via REHU]

Heres how to unsubscribe:

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To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in
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On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see
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illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the
desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe
normally.

The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless
you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up.
When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release
button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the
velcro slippers and place them in their container.

If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The
knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings,
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After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
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may now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit
light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door
behind you. 
================================================
[from Amy]

'Twas the night before Solstice
    by James Finn Garner

Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op
Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up.
the children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.
We'd welcomed the winter that day after school
By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,
A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet
Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,
Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it
And dress it all up like a seasonal strumpet.
My lifemate and I, having turned down the heat,
Slipped under the covers for a well-deserved sleep,
When from out on the lawn there came such a roar
I fell from my futon and rolled to the floor.
I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch,
And muttered, "Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?"
I saw there below through the murk of the night
A sleigh and eight reindeer of nonstandard height.
At the reins of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave
Who treated each deer like his persunal slave.
I'd seen him before in some ads for car loans,
Plus fast food and soft drinks and cellular phones.
He must have cashed in from his mercantile chores,
Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores.
He called each by name, as if he were right
To treat them like humans, entrenching his might:
"Now Donder, now Blitzen," and other such aliases,
Showing his true Eurocentrical biases.
With a snap of his fingers away they all flew,
Like lumberjacks served up a plate of tofu.
Up to the rooftop they carried the sleigh
(The holes in the shingles are there to this day).
Out bounded the man, who sent straight to the flue.
I knew in an instant just what I should do.
After donning my slippers, downstairs did I dash
to see this trespasser emerge from the ash.
His clothes were all covered with soot, but of course,
>From our wood-fueled alternative energy source.
Through the grime I distinguished the make of his duds--
He was dressed all in fur, fairly dripping with blood.
"We're a cruelty-free house!" I proclaimed with such heat
He was startled and tripped on the logs at his feet.
He stood back up dazed, but with mirth in his eyes.
It was then that I noticed his unhealthy size.
He was almost as wide as when standing erect,
A lover of fatty fried foods, I suspect.
But that wasn't all to make sane persuns choke:
In his teeth sat a pipe that was belching out smoke!
I could scarcely believe what invaded our house.
This carcinogenic and overweight louse
Was so red in the face from his energy spent,
I expected a heart attack right there and then.
Behind him he toted a red velvet bag
Full to exploding with sinister swag.
He asked, "Where is your tree?" with a face somewhat long.
I said, "Out in the yard, which is where it belongs."
"But where will I put all the presents I've brought?"
I looked at him squarely and said, "Take the lot
"To some frivolous people who think that they need
to succumb to the sickness of commerce and greed,
"Whose only joy comes from the act of consuming,
Thus sending the stock of the retailers booming."
He blinked and said, "Ho, ho, ho! But you're kidding."
I gave him a stare that was stern and forbidding.
"Surely children need something with which to have fun?
It's like childhood's over before it's begun."
He looked in my eyes for some sign of assent,
But  I strengthened my will and refused to relent.
"They have plenty of fun," I cut to the gist,
"And your mindless distractions have never been missed.
"They take CPR so that they can save lives,
And go door-to-door for the used clothing drives.
"They recycle, renew, reuse--and reveal
For saving the planet a laudable zeal.
"When they padlock themselves to a fence to protest
Against nuclear power, we think they're the best."
He said, "But they're children--lo, when do they play?"
I countered, "Is that why you've driven your sleigh,
"To bring joy to the hearts of each child and tot?
All right, open your bag; let's see what you've got."
He sheepishly did as I'd asked and behold!
A Malibu Barbie in a skirt made of gold.
"You think that my girls will like playing with this,
An icon of sexist, consumerist kitsch?
"With it's unnatural figure and airheaded grin,
This trollop make every girl yearn to be thin,
"And take up fad diets and bingeing and purging
Instead of respecting her own body's urging
"To welcome the shape that her body has found
And rejoice to be lanky, short, skinny, or round."
Deep in his satchel he searched for a toy,
Saying, "This is a hit with most little boys."
And what did he put in my trembling hand
But a gun from the BrainBlaster Power Command!
"It's a 'hit,' to be sure," I sneered in his face,
"And a plague to infect the whole human race!
"How 'bout grenades or some working bazookas
To turn all of our kids into half-wit palookas?"
I seized on his bag just to see for myself
The filth being spread by this odious elf.
An Easy-Bake Oven--ah, goddess, what perfidy!
To hoodwink young girls into household captivity!
Plus an archer play set with shafts that fly out,
The very thing needed to put your eye out.
And toy metal tractors, steam shovels, and cranes
For tearing down woodlands and scarring the plains,
Plus "games" like Monopoly, Pay Day, Tycoon,
As if lessons in greed can't start up too soon.
And even more weapons from BrainBlastersCo.,
Like cannons and nunchucks and ray guns that glow.
That's all I could find in his red velvet sack--
Perverseness and mayhem to set us all back.
(But I did find one book that caused me to ponder--
Some fine bedtime tales by a fellow named Garner.)
"We need none of this," I announced in a huff,
"No 'business-as-usual' holiday stuff.
"We sow in our offspring more virtue than this.
Your 'toys' offer some things they never will miss."
The big man's expression was a trifle bereaved
As he shouldered his pack and got ready to leave.
"I pity the kids who grow up around here,
Who're never permitted to be of good cheer,
"Who aren't allowed leisure for leisure's own sake,
But must fret every minute--it makes my heart break!"
"Enough histrionics! Don't pity our kids
If they don't do as Macy's or Toys 'R' Us bids.
"They live by their principles first and foremost
And know what's important," to him did I boast.
"Pray, could I meet them?"  "Oh no, they're not here.
They're up on the roof, liberating your deer!"
Then Santa Claus sputtered and pointed his finger
But, mad as he was, he had no time to linger.
He flew up the chimney like smoke from a fire,
And up on the roof I heard voices get higher.
I ran outside the co-op to see him react
To my children's responsible, kindhearted act.
He chased them away, and disheartened, dismayed,
He rehitched his reindeer (who'd docilely stayed).
I watched with delight as he scooted off then.
He'd be too embarrassed to come back again.
But with parting disdain, do you know what he said,
When this overweight huckster took off in his sled?
This reindeer enslaver, this exploiter of elves?
"Happy Christmas to all, but get over yourselves!!"

================================================
[from http://www.bridge.net/~jokester]

   Have you ever noticed the similarities between some TV shows?


    The U.S.S. Enterprise                    The Love Boat
    ---------------------                    -------------

 Bald Captain                       Bald Captain

 Young Wesley is related to a       Young Vicki is related to a
 crewmember and works on the ship   crewmember and works on the ship

 Ship's doctor is a main character  Ship's doctor is a main character

 Troi, ship's counselor is sexy,    Julie the cruise director is sexy,
 but annoying                       but annoying

 Actors stand in front of screen,   Actors stand in front of screen,
 upon which is projected            upon which is projected background
 background of open space           of open sea

 A dumping ground for second-rate   A dumping ground for second-rate
 washed-up guest stars              washed-up guest stars

 Going to strange new worlds        Going to strange new ports-of-call

 Cheesy opening song                Cheesy opening song

 Too many scenes of self-indulgent  Too many scenes of self-indulgent
 crap in the holodeck               crap in the lounge

 Socially retarded character with   Socially retarded character with
 job description for name  (Data)   job description for name (Gopher)

 In late-night syndication          In late-night syndication

 Bad 2-hour pilot                   Bad 2-hour pilot

 Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and   Love Boat has lifeboats and
 detaching saucer section           flotation devices

 Scenes linked by ship shots        Scenes linked by ship shots

 One character inexplicably         One character inexplicably
 replaced then returned (Crusher)   replaced, then returned (Julie)

 After-the-fact bed scenes with     After-the-fact bed scenes with
 pointless discussion               pointless discussion

 Captain straightens uniform when   Captain straightens uniform when
 disgusted/angry/nervous            disgusted/angry/nervous

 Final scene takes place on trans-  Final scene takes place on loading
 porter; crew waves good-bye        dock; crew waves good-bye

 Gene Roddenberry ruled with iron   Aaron Spelling rules with iron
 fist, annoying die-hard fans       fist, annoying die-hard fans

 At conventions, everyone is        At conventions, everyone is
 dressed like Mr. Spock             dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker

 Captain Picard has useless         Isaac the Bartender has useless
 gesture, pointing slightly         gesture, pointing slightly forward
 forward

 Intercrew friction always          Intercrew friction always
 resolved within allotted 1 hour    resolved within allotted 1 hour
 time slot                          time slot
================================================
[from http://www.bridge.net/~jokester]


                        U.S. Regional Differences
                        -------------------------

    NEW ENGLANDERS:
    *       Resharpen their disposable razors.
    *       Consider credit cards "tools of the devil."
    *       Refuse to buy paper clips without a 90 day warranty.
    *       Call their parents, "Mr.____" and "Mrs.___."
    *       Regard second generation Americans as immigrants.
    *       Believe the decline in morality began with the phasing
            out of suspenders.

       New Yorkers:
*       Organize vigilante groups to patrol inside their apartments. 
*       Greet their party guests only after they've passed through a 
metal detector.
    *       Freebase soot.
    *       Frisk their children.
    *       Yell, "Hurry Up!" during funeral eulogies.
*       Check to see if their wallets are still there while attending
religious services.
    *       Eat their young.

    MIDWESTERNERS:
    *       Polka in discos.
    *       Polka in weddings.
    *       Entertain visitors with home videos of their garage sales.
    *       Own "His" and "Hers" manure spreaders. 
*       Snore with a twang. 
*       Hang out the American Flag on William McKinley's birthday. 
*       Regard K-Mart as a designer label.

    SOUTHERNERS:
    *       Would like to vaccinate visiting Northerners.
*      Learn "Possum Cuisine" in High School Home Economics classes.
*      Share the chewing tobacco on their honeymoons. 
*      Bury their hound dogs in Confederate Flag shrouds. 
*      Soak their dentures overnight in glasses of Jack Daniels. 
*      Carry on feuds over swamp rights. 
*      Regional delicacy: Barbecued Spam. 
*      Regard Goodwill as a designer label. 
*      Don't know the meaning of surrender; can't spell it either.

       West Virginians:
    *       Consider Spam a miracle food.
    *       Pets ARE family members.
    *       Family trees rarely fork.
    *       If a couple gets divorced, they are still siblings.
    *       High school proms provided babysitters.
    *       Weed-eaters are used indoors.
    *       Jack Daniels is considered a saint.
    *       Beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

       Floridians:
*    State law requires left turn signal be on while driving. 
*    Federal law requires citizens over 65 move to Miami Beach. 
*    Bathing suit must be worn under street clothes. 
*    Residents must show "Gold Plus Plan" ID to enter state. 
*    Car phone: mandatory vehicle accessory. 
*    Car FAX machine: recommended vehicle accessory. 
*    VCRs with flashing "12:00" are considered legal. 
*    Pet alligators are required home security. 
*    Large snakes are considered appropriate child control. 
*    Illnesses costing less than $100,000 require home remedy. 
*    Hurricanes: Nature's way of taking out the trash.

    SOUTHWESTERNERS:
    *       Close schools for Apache holidays.
    *       Train lizards to handle minor household chores.
    *       Hold Tupperware parties in abandoned cliff dwellings. 
*       Name their children after obscure igneous rocks. 
*       Rate a man by the horsepower of his pickup truck.

       Texans:
*       Believe that owning more than two 747's is pretentious. 
*       Refer to anyone less than six feet four as, "Shorty." 
*       Protect their ranches with MX missiles. 
*       Have unlisted area codes. 
*       Rent Oklahoma for picnics and family gatherings. 
*       Refuse to recognize the existence of Alaska.

       Nevadans:
    *       Propose double or nothing bets during IRS audits.
    *       Get rid of children they feel are unlucky.
*       Offer "Black Jack Card Counting" as a high school elective. 
*       Take odds on total highway deaths on major holidays. 
*       Take out medical insurance to cover "Slot Machine Elbow." 
*       Fast on Jimmy-The-Greek's birthday.

       Californians:
    *       Apply Grecian Formula to their aging poodles.
    *       Freeze-dry cocaine.
    *       Consider it trendy to jog during earthquakes.
    *       Lame' their frisbees.
    *       Cast horoscopes for their cars.
    *       Honor their dead with designer tombstones.
    *       Consider earthquakes, exercise.
    *       Do not recognize the existence of the other 49 states.

       LAites:
    *       Enforce the shooting and non-shooting freeway lanes.
    *       If it's further than 100', drive.
*       No fear of chemical attacks; chemicals are allergic to smog. 
*       Rate a person by amount owed on their vehicle. 
*    Consider their pets, family members. 
*       Regard sand as a part of religious ritual. 
*       Earthquakes: For the movers & shakers. 
*       Consider mudslides in-house entertainment.
================================================
[forwarded by Amy]

 CHRISTMAS POLITICALLY CORRECT BY FRANZ CONSTANCIO 
               TRANSLATE THESE TITLES INTO CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in
their behalf.
 2. Listen,the celestial cherubs produce harmonious sounds.
 3. Nocturnal hours whose stillness is unbroken.
4. An emotion excited by the acquisitions or expectations of good
given to the terrestrial sphere.
 5. Embellish the interior passageways.
 6. Exalted heavenly beings to whom harkened.
 7. Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.
 8.The Christmas preceding all others.
 9. Small municipality in Judea southeast of Jerusalem.
 10. Diminuative masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic
 cylinders. 
11. Omnipotent Supreme Being elicit respite to ecstatic distinguished
males. 
12. Swift quadruped with leadership capabilities and an incandescent
probocis of crimson.
 13. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute
     crystals of frozen water.
14. Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine,
perennial gift giver.
 15. Natal celebration devoid of color.
 16. In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.
 17. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature's
dormancy.
 18. The first person nominative plural of the triumirate of Oriental
     monarchs.
 19. Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic,
     resonant cups.
20. In a distant location the existence of an improved unit of
newborn children's slumber furniture.

Teresa's answers below [not necessarily correct!] .....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
3. Silent Night
4. Joy To The World
5. Deck The Halls
6. Angels We Have Heard on High
7. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
8. The First Noel
9. O Little Town of Bethlehem
10. The Little Drummer-Boy
11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
12. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
13. Frosty the Snowman
14. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
15. White Christmas
16. O Holy Night
17. Winter Wonderland
18. We Three Kings of Orient Are
19. [not sure - something like The Bells Ring Out?????]
20. Away In a Manger

================================================
[from Robin Lock, via REHU]

One Friday night, there came a knock at the door.  The farmer opens
the door, and standing there is a strapping young man.  

The young man says: 

Hi, my name is Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're gonna take in a show.
Is she ready to go?

The farmer calls out -- "FLO!"  Flo comes to the door and the two
young people leave for their date..

Ten minutes later, there's another knock at the door. The farmer
opens the door, and standing there is a strapping young man.  The
young man says: 

Hi, my name is Freddie.
I'm here for Betty.
We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
Is she ready?

The farmer calls out -- "BETTY!"  Betty comes to the door and the
two young people leave for their date.

Ten minutes later, there's a third knock at the door. The farmer
opens the door, and standing there is a strapping young man.  The
young man says: 

Hi, my name is Chuck.
So the farmer shot him.
================================================
[from Dave Gowan, via HAND!]

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans
Administration loan for a client.  He was told that the loan would be
approved if he could provide  proof of clear title to the property
offered as collateral.  The title for the  property in question was
complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all
pertinent documents back to 1803.  Satisfied with the depth and
expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.

He soon received a reply from the VA.:

"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for
your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms
are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year
1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be
accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be
cleared back before that year."

Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.:

"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received.  I note that
you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your
attention is invited to the following information to update your
records for the property prior to 1803:

a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the
United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803.
This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known
as The Louisiana Purchase.

b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from
Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).

c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery
in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus.  He was acting on
behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim
newly discovered lands for Spain.

d) The good Queen,  being a pious woman and careful about titles -
almost as careful as the V.A.- took  the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.

e) The Pope is a servant of  God; God created the world.

f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created
title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the
original holder of the property in question. 
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis.  He didn't explain what SNERT means....]

 101 ways to SNERT in real life...
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
 consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
 while talking to others.

 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV
 and then pointing it at the screen.

 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
 announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
 paper, 99 copies.

 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

 12. Sniffle incessantly.

 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

 14. Name your dog "Dog."

 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
 weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
 "astronaut training."

 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
 neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it
 was a "real hoot."

 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
 with a can of Lysol.

 21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:"
 them to your boss.

 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
 people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell
 the neighbors you are a "spider person."

 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
 prophesy."

 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
 awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
 moment.

 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
 your ears.

 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
 across the room.

 31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
 Howard Cosell voice.

 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
 insist to others that you "like it that way."

 34. Drum on every available surface.

 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
 warnings.

 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

 41. Set alarms for random times.

 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
 noise.

 45. Honk and wave to strangers.

 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
 rental movies.

 49. Wear your pants backwards.

 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
 complimentary mints by the cash register.

 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

 53. only type in lowercase.

 54. dont use any punctuation either

 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
 streets.

 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's
 roadmaps.

 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
 assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
 that?" "What?"  "Never mind, it's gone now."

 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their
 parsley.

 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
 physically restrained.

 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
 your chin.  When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up,"
 and repeat.

 73. Drive half a block.

 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

 75. Ask people what gender they are.

 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
 back in the tray.

 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent.  If Norwegian, affect a Southern
 drawl.

 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious
 that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
 brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr.
 Rogers theme song.

 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
 parakeet.

 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

 83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of
 being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand
 that people pronounce each "a."

 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to
 see if they slow down.

 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

 86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster
 speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

 88. Sing along at the opera.

 89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their
 answers in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological
 profiles."

 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
 picture."

 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

 96. Never make eye contact.

 97. Never break eye contact.

 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with
 it, announcing the results.

 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

================================================
[forwarded by Nancy M. Rice]

If you write a book called "How to Fail" and it doesn't sell well, is
it a success?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

Why isn't phonics spelled like it sounds?

If a multiple-personality person threatened to commit suicide, would
it be considered a hostage situation?

What is the speed of dark?

What happened to Preparations A thru G?

Wouldn't a better word for hemorrhoid be asteroid?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Q: do you know why most Polish names end with ski?
A: Toboggan is too hard to spell.

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a deaf child swears does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

If you were traveling in your car at the speed of light-and you
turned your headlights on--Would they do anything?

If you're in a car going the speed of light...are you really at all
concerned with what your headlights are doing?

Why don't the Psychic friends group know when to call me?

Where is the other half of a semi?

If a trees falls in the forest and hits a Mime does anyone hear it?

Why is the word "short" longer than the word "long"?

If the little black box on the plane is so indestructible, why don't
they make the whole plane out of the same thing??

What happens if you get scared half to death,.....twice?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are
Girls Scout cookies made out of? 

What kind of person answers "yes" to the question: "Are you a
pathological liar?"

What do French restaurants do with all those frogs arms?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, what does the rest of the team
do?

What did tornadoes sound like before freight trains existed?

Why is a boxing ring square?

If Beethoven spent 25 years composing, and 150 years decomposing, why
is there still some of his music around?

Why is it that everybody knows about the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,
but almost no one knows about the Tomb of the Known Soldier?
================================================
[from MR MICHAEL JACKMAN, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry.  So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each
of them spends it. 

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."  

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.  She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests
the rest.  She says, "I am  investing the rest of the money for our
future because I love you so much." 

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. 
================================================
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]

An ornithologist I know, both a lover as well as an expert on all
birds, claims that all too often the stork is held responsible for
circumstances which might better be attributed to a lark.
--------------------------------------------

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
-------------------------------------------

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above
the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

Immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered
"Thoap!"

+---------------------------------------+
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to
power, he forebade the killing of animals.

Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out
of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans. 
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they
began nibbling on natives.

The terrified populace petitioned their leader to recind his edict,
but he refused:  thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the
chief. Not only was the revolt successful, it was the first time in
history that a reign was called on account of game. 

================================================
[forwarded by Naomi, via REHU.  WARNING: there is something here to 
offend just about EVERYBODY!!!!]

You're becoming TOO fundamentalist when:

You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
Your daughter's beehive hairdo matches your wifes.
You think Jesus is liberal.
You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
You know God on a first name basis.	
You have your application in for the Trinity.
You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
You think hair tonic is Biblical.
You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.
You find June Cleaver attractive.
You believe Moses could have shaved.
You have a portrait of Sodom and Gommorrah the day after it was nuked.
You pronounce it "Bab-tist." 
You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn't so bad till he got caught up 
with those "wimmin." 
You think "dike" is a big wall in Holland. 
You insist on using "gay" to describe your night out with the boys. 
You know the three greek words for love. 
You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys. 
You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie. 
You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy 
You called your teacher "the Beast" as a child. 
You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner. 
You've ever attended a book burning. 
You built your own ark model. 
You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis. 
You think Monopoly teaches greed. 
You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case. 
You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the 
airplane by saying, "Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go 
to heaven?" 
You support Hare Krishna's in the airport because it means your 
denomination can have a booth across the hall. 
You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar. 
You think Mormon's are mistaken but they sure do dress nice. 
You think genuflect is a type of mirror. 
You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep. 
You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan. 
You can prove that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan." 
You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a 
tree anyway. 
You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row. 
You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the 
Anti-Christ. 
You think that bar codes are demonic. 
You enjoy Wal Mart. 
You sneak a peek at Madonna's Album covers and claim you're doing 
research. 
You take national geographic and draw bikini's on all the naked 
people. 
You think People Magazine is pornography. 
You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service. 
You found back masking on Amy Grant's albums that chant. 
You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil 
You think laughter is a tool of the devil. 
You think that tools are tools of the devil. 
You think that tools are devils. 
You buy everything at Sears. 
You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy. 
You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy. 
You know the writing on the statue of liberty's tablet was put there 
by a Mason. 
You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill. 
You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president. 
You think Jerry Falwell is liberal. 
You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting 
away on wild weekends at Cannes. 
You say "Darn." 
You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations. 
You enjoy Muzak. 
Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar. 
If you've ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay 
under water longer. 
You won't wear a robe even in the bathroom. 
You won't wear colored underwear. 
You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy. 
You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf 
tournaments is liberal. 
You think the NEA is a tool of the devil. 
You won't go to a museum because they have pictures of nekked wimmin. 
You won't go to a park because they have statues of nekked wimmin. 
You won't go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nekked. 
You don't have children because it means you and your wife would have 
to get nekked. . .a little. 
A modem is a tool of the devil. 
You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati. 
You like Spam. 
You think Stuckey's is a great american institution. 
You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it 
over. 
You think, "I wouldn't be caught dead gambling,"  as you purchase 
your lottery ticket as an investment. 
You think Bill Clinton is the Devil. 
You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil. 
You call Israel the Holy Land. 
You enjoy using flannel art. 
You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments. . . but 
you repent of  watching it because movies are a tool of the devil. 
You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee- paint." 
You say Amen more than once an hour. 
You pray so long your food gets cold. 
You think Doctors are a tool of the devil. 
You think teachers are a tool of the devil. 
You think science is a tool of the devil. 
You think humor is a tool of the devil. 
You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood. 
You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit. . . but 
you repent of  watching it because movies are a tool of the devil. 
You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won't get pissed 
off at you because  you are working on the Lord's day. 
You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and 
your briefcase. 
Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch. 
You become an Amway dealer to evangelise in disguise. 
You like being an Amway dealer. 
You think A.A. is liberal. 
You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight. 
You have your name stamped on all your Bibles. 
You have more than 10 Bibles. 
You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues. 
You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in 
an Illuminati conspiracy. 
You think Amy Grant is a tool of the devil. 
You think underneath the Pope's skull cap is the mark of the beast. 
You have evidence "They" are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem. 
You name your children after the apostles. 
You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel. 
You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily. 
You like all that country living paraphenalia crap. 
You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National enquirer 
at the check-out line. 
You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy. 
You won't own a credit card because "they" might use to give you a 
"mark of the beast." 
You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your 
own neck. 
You always bring bean cassarole to a church pot-luck.

[added by Paul, on REHU]
You pronounce "believe" as "buh - lee - heeve."
You think that if the King James Version was good enough for our
Lord, it ought to be good enough for us. 
You suspect that someone, somewhere, might actually be enjoying 
himself. 
You believe that asking the saints to intercede is idolatry, even 
though 	you talk to your own dear, departed mother every night. 
You disapprove of sex standing up . . . because it might lead to 
dancing.

[added by Swedie]
You pronounce "Jesus" as "Je-HEAY-sus."
================================================
[from http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html]

The Bumper Sticker & The Holidays

Don't y'all just love the holidays, when everyone is just so full of
the spirit of the season and joy and good will towards men ? As a
plain old country boy, now living in the big city, I wanted to share
the warmth and joy I felt with all these nice city folk.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, to locate
something to share with others, and while I couldn't find any with a
Christmas theme, I saw a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car; tell y'all what,
I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the upcoming Holidays and all, and didn't notice that the light
had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I easily found several
people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like
crazy. He must really love the Lord because, he leaned out his window
and even yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could.

Others started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and
smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there, because I could hear him yelling something about a
"sunny beach", and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air.

Luckily, I had just asked my two kids just the other week what that
meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, and told me that
it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. What a joy to share.

Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,
"Mother trucker." How nice that the industry is finally accepting
women drivers and all. He must be really proud of his Ma, to share the
news like that, I mean. What joyful times we live in.

Then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And
a good thing I did too, because I was the only one to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them, leaned way out the window, gave
them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove
away. Praise the Lord. I drove on, my faith renewed for being able to
share my Holiday joy with such wonderful folk.

Tell ya what y'all. Until all this happened, I thought that "City of
Brotherly Love" stuff was just that -- stuff ! May you all find ways
to share and express the spirit of the season, or just general good
will and love toward everyone anytime, just like I did.
================================================
[forwarded by Amy, from her daughter Noelle]

The X-phile's 12 (or more) Step plan to recovery
       By Noelle Lundgren

 I hereby promise...

...I will not sleep in my "X-Files" T-shirts, with my "X-Files"
trading cards under my pillow.

...I will not send anymore mail to the FoX executives saying, "We
Know Who You Really ARE."

...when writing or typing, I will not capitalize X's in the middle
of words, such as, eXceptional, eXpierence, boX, anXious, CloroX, and
eXposure.

...I will not replace "cks" or "ks" in words with an X, for
eXample...sox, pix, rox, mox, talx, walx, stalx...etc.

...I will not hold on-line "funerals" for dead characters on the
show. 

...I will not cut things out of magizines because they contain David
Duchovny and/or Gillian Anderson's name. 

...I will not tape hours of TV just to see a fifteen second "X-Files"
story on the news. 

...I will not jump up and shout at the TV during "The Flied Where I
Died." 

...I will not read or write stupid FanFiction. 

...I will not jump up and pelt the TV with eggs and tomatoes during
the last scene of "Never Again." 

...I will NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES watch MillenniuM. 

...I will not cry during "that scene" in "Small Potatoes" when the
REAL Mulder walks in.

================================================
[from COMICKAZE, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in
a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I
smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm,
I smell pancakes." 

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't
because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing
I can smell is molasses." 
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a
ringing sound. The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag,  pulls out his
cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office.  "Very
important to be in touch these days," he says. "Yes," his golfing
partners agree.

A little bit later another, a different ring is heard, and the
American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate
talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real
conversation.

After the call he explains to his friends, "It's the very latest in
cellular technology--a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a
microphone to my pinky. You can't even tell I have it on."

A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard,
and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins
talking, again an obviously real conversation. When finished he
explains, "This really is the latest in cellular technology. A
speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of
a front tooth. I just stand at attention to talk."

Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game. Suddenly, the
Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush.  After he
doesn't re-appear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to
make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down
with his pants around his ankles.

"Is everything okay?" asks the American.

"Yes," replies the Japanese golfer, "If you could just give me a
minute here, I'm expecting a fax..." 
================================================
[from Maureen, via REHU]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a
cigarette.  It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her
purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea!  What is it
that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom?  Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase
condoms at the pharmacy.  When the two old ladies arrived downtown,
the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked
the pharmacist if he sold condoms.  The pharmacist said yes, but
looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in
condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a
Camel!"
================================================
[from Amy]

18 UNNATURAL LAWS
===================
Have you ever received a phone call the minute you stepped outside
your door?  Has the bus you were waiting for ever appeared from behind
a parked truck the instant you light up a cigarette?  Certain astute
individuals have noticed that such events are not the exception but,
rather, the rule.  Men like Murphy, Peter and Parkinson have made it
their life work to ferret out the operating principles - the laws that
govern the frustrating lives that we mortals live.  Here is a small
sampling of these laws. 

MURPHY'S LAW 
------------- 
If anything can go wrong, it will. 

O'TOOL'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW
------------------------------------ 
Murphy was an optimist. 

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW 
-------------------- 
As soon as you mention something .... ... if it's good, it goes away 
... if it's bad, it happens. 

NONRECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS 
-----------------------------------
Negative expectations yield negative results.  Positive expectations 
yield negative results. 

HOWE'S LAW 
----------- 
Every man has a scheme that will not work. 

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS
------------------------------------------------- 
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a 
larger can. 

ETORRE'S OBSERVATION 
--------------------- 
The other line moves faster. 

SKINNER'S CONSTANT (FLANAGAN'S FINAGLING FACTOR)
------------------------------------------------- 
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or 
subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 
have got. 

MURPHY'S LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY 
---------------------------------- 
An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 

JENNING'S COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
--------------------------------------------------------- 
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 

GORDON'S FIRST LAW
------------------- 
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth 
doing well. 

MAIER'S LAW 
------------ 
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 

HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS 
------------------------------ 
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 

BOREN'S FIRST LAW
------------------ 
When in doubt, mumble. 

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 
------------------------------------- 
Whoever has the gold makes the rules. 

BARTH'S DISTINCTION 
-------------------- 
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 
types, and those who don't 

SEGAL'S LAW 
------------ 
A man with one watch knows what time it is.  A man with two watches 
is never sure. 

THE NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES 
--------------------------------------------
The first 90 % of the task takes 90 % of the time, and the last 10 % 
takes the other 90 % 

FARBER'S FOURTH LAW 
--------------------
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

================================================
[from Ted Cashion, via "A Joke A Day"]

For those of us who are slightly "Fluffy" around the edges...

General Rules For Dieting

1.) If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no
calories. 
2.) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the 
candy are cancelled out by the diet soda. 
3.) When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't 
eat more than they do. 
4.) Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot 
chocolate and brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake. 
5.) If you fatten up everyone else around you then you'll get 
thinner. 
6.) Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they 
are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal 
fuel.  This includes such things as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, etc. 
7.) Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking them 
causes calorie leakage. 
8.) Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are 
in the process of preparing something.  Examples: peanut butter on a 
knife while making a sandwich, and ice cream or chocolate sauce on a 
spoon while making a sundae. 
9.) Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. 
Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream and mushrooms and white 
chocolate. 
10.) Foods consumed standing by the sink have no calories as the 
water disintegrates any calorie content. 
11.) Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are 
units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.*

* I used this one personally to sell desserts to my tables at The
Olive Garden. It never failed! - Ted Cashion

================================================
[from Gary Hom, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Politically correct usage for us married people

     She does not:
     GET PMS
     She becomes:
     HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

     She does not have:
     A KILLER BODY
     She is:
     TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

     She is not:
     A BAD COOK
     She is:
     MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

     She is not:
     A BAD DRIVER
     She is:
     AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

     She is not a:
     PERFECT 10
     She is:
     NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

     She is not:
     EASY
     She is:
     HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

     She does not:
     HATE SPORTS ON TV
     She is:
     ATHLETICALLY BIASED

     She does not have:
     SEXY LIPS
     She is:
     COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

     She does not get:
     DRUNK
     She is:
     ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

     You do not ask her:
     TO DANCE
     You request a:
     PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

     She is not:
     A GOSSIP
     She is a:
     VERBAL TERMINATOR

     She does not:
     WORK OUT TOO MUCH
     She is an:
     ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

     She does not have:
     A GREAT BUTT
     She is:
     GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

     She is not:
     HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
     She is:
     MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

     She is not:
     COLD OR FRIGID
     She is:
     THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

     She does not:
     WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
     She is:
     COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

     She does not have:
     GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
     Her breasts are:
     CENTRALLY LOCATED

     She will never:
     GAIN WEIGHT
     She will become:
     A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

     She is not:
     A SCREAMER OR MOANER
     She is:
     VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

     She does not:
     SHAVE HER LEGS
     She experiences:
     TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

     She does not have:
     A HARD BODY
     She is:
     ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

     She does not:
     SUN BATHE
     She experiences:
     SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

     Her breast will never:
     SAG
     They will:
     LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

     She does not:
     SHOP TOO MUCH
     She is:
     OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

     She does not:
     CUT YOU OFF
     She becomes:
     HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

     She does not have:
     BIG HAIR
     She is:
     OVERLY AEROSOLED

     She does not:
     SNORE
     She is:
     NASALLY REPETITIVE

     She does not:
     GET DRUNK
     She becomes:
     VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

     She does not have:
     BIG HOOTERS
     Her:
     CUPS RUNNETH OVER

     She is not:
     TOO SKINNY
     She is:
     SKELETALLY PROMINENT
================================================
[From George Wambaugh, via "The Humour List"]

Jock College Entrance Exam

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

   1. What language is spoken in France?

   2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
      particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
      social conditions
      -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

   3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
      (a) build a bridge
      (b) sail the ocean
      (c) lead an army or
      (d) WRITE A PLAY

   4. What religion is the Pope?
      (a) Jewish
      (b) Catholic
      (c) Hindu
      (d) Polish
      (e) Agnostic (check only one)

   5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

   6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
      little hand is on the 5?

   7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

   8. What are people in America's far north called?
      (a) Westerners
      (b) Southerners
      (c) Northerners

   9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

   10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
       being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

   11. Where does rain come from?
      (a) Macy's
      (b) a 7-11
      (c) Canada
      (d) the sky

   12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
      (a) yes
      (b) no

   13. What are coat hangers used for?

   14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
       country?

   15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
       -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

   16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

   17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) New York
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin

   18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do
       you have?

   19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp) stand for?

   20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
    (approximately)?
    (a) B.C.
    (b) A.D.
    (c) still waiting.
================================================
[from Dickibus, via "Just Too Funny!"]

I SHOT A QUERY INTO THE NET

I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;

A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, "Please
Don't send such drivel overseas";

A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;

One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each "Subject" line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...
================================================
[from Barbara Scheele, via REHU]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has
to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear.  The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! 
================================================
[from Dickibus, via REHU]

This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive
around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and
plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art,
computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.

She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the
radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles
with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally
gives up. Can't find the damned thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the
salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into
the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He
demonstrates: "Classical", he says.

*click*

The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth
Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night
they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis
snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying
much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her
off.

"ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.

*click*

"Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show" 
================================================
[a couple of jokes from REHU.  The first is from Zim]

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York,
and sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had
a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he
asked, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on
backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered, but politely answered, "I wear
this collar because I am a Father."  

The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I'm also a father,
but I wear my collar front-ways.  Why do you wear your collar so
differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am a father for
many."  

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many.  I have
four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I
wear my collar like everyone else does.  Why do you wear it your
way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then
blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of
people."

The old man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he
got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and
said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

+------------------------------------------------+
[from Walt]

True story: The former Episcopal priest in Jasper was meeting with
students of the lower grades near the beginning of school. Most of
the membership is non-Episcopal, and vestments et al. are unfamiliar.
He asked the group why they thought it was that he wore his
(wraparound/Anglican) collar. One little boy excitedly responded, "I
know! I know! Kills fleas and ticks for four months!" 

================================================
[from Barbara, on REHU]

IS THERE A GOD?

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one of each of every computer
model ever built.  Finally the big day was at hand.  All the
computers were linked together.  They asked the question, "IS THERE
A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of
silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the
scientists to be one large computer in the place of many smaller
ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output
its answer:  "THERE IS NOW" 
================================================
[from John "King Cheese" Mazarella, via "Just Too Funny!"]

                      The Minnesotan's Guide to
                           Computer Lingo

 Modem:         What you did to the hay fields.

 Dot Matrix:    Farmer Matrix's Old Lady.

 Printer:       Someone who can't write in cursive.

 Lap Top:       Where little kids feel comfy

 Keyboard:      Where you hang your keys.

 Electronic Mail: Bathroom readin' material.

 Log On:        Makin' the wood stove hotter.

 Log Off:       Don't add wood.

 Monitor:       Keep an eye on the wood stove.

 Download:      Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

 Mega Hertz:    When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)

 Floppy Disk:   Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood.

 Disk Operating System:
                The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy
				disk.

 RAM:           The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

 Software:      Them plastic eatin' utensils.

 Hard Drive:    Gettin' home in mud season.

 Prompt:        What you wish the mail was in mud season.

 486 MB:        One of them fancy impoted cars.

 Mouse:         What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

 Main Frame:    The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

 Windows:       What to shut when it's 30 below.

 Screen:        What you need for black fly season.

 Byte:          What black flies do.

 Port:          Fancy wine.

 Enter:         C'mon in!

 Random Access Memory:
                You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when
                your wife asks.

 Digital:       Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.

 Apple:         If you don't know, I ain't tellin'.

 Program:       What's on TV when there's reception.

 FAX:           Dunno... Ma would never talk to us about it.

 CD ROM:        The furrnier at the bank that sells retirement 
				accounts.

 DIN:           The noise at the barn dance.

 Chip:          What to munch on.

 Micro Chip:    What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.

 Laser:         Someone less ambitious than you.

 Infrared:      Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.

 Line In:       1. Whatcha do when you go fishin'
                2. Whacha dry yer laundry on.

================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]

 Tim Miller knows the best way to start out a day is with
 break_fasting...
 ********************************************************
 
 The Top 19 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Ideas.
 
      19  Beerios
      18  Kevorkian Krispies
      17  Honeymoon Nuts
      16  Chernobyl Charms
      15  Eboli-O's
      14  Cap'n Crack
      13  Kellogg's Ganja Puffs
      12  Lucky Tabs O' Acid
      11  Colostomy Crunch
      10  Phil Graham Crackers
       9  Fruit & Fabio
       8  Look Again -- Them Ain't Raisins!
       7  Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs
       6  Limbaugh Logs
       5  Kellogg's "None of Your Goddam Business"
       4  Special AK47
       3  UnaBran
       2  Nut 'N' Bitch
 
      and the Number 1 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Idea...
 
       1  CaCa Puffs
 
================================================
