6/16/97

[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]

Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject
turned to their husbands.  One lady said "My husband just won't go to
church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."  This led to talk
around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or
another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.  So, then the
housewives started speculating about themselves.  One woman said "I
try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."  Another one said
"No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."  So, then they noticed
that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything.  And they looked at
her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to
Heaven...?"  She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to
buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"  They were shocked and asked
"Why??"  "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men,
do you??!?" 
================================================
[from Ronnie M, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings.  When
he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there.  The
cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.

The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again.  This time,
it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. 

The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell
rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. 
It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The
gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an
ambulance.  He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.

The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds.  He asks our hero
what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's
attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.  The doctor thinks
for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around." 
================================================
[from Natasha, on REHU]

I don't care if it rains or freezes
long as I've got my plastic Jesus
sitting on the dashboard of my car

Comes in colors pink and pleasant
glows in the dark cause it's irridescent.
Take it with  you when you travel far.

Get yourself a sweet madonna,
rhinestone studded,
sitting on a
pedestel of abalone shell

Going ninety I ain't scary
cause I got the virgin Mary,
assuring me that I won't go to hell

Keep him neat
Keep him clean
He's made of polyethylene
Riding on the dashboard of my car

Ain't he neat,
ain't he purty
wipe him off
when he gets dirty
....

Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Rigin on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials, tribulations,
we will travel every nation.
Me and plastic Jesus will go far

I can go a hundred miles an hour
long as I got the almighty power
sitting on the dashboard of my car

They're so cute and they're so neat
They got magnets on their feet
to keep them on the dashboard of my car.

But I see he's losing power
getting weaker by the hour
sliding from the dashboard of my car

But I know what steps to take
I'll nail him there for all time's sake
Nail him to the dashboard of my car

Besides I paid a lot of lettuce
for this genuine Christian fetish
riding on the dashboard of my car.

But now a voice both loud and shrill
"They're wholesale at Beth Israel,
"Wholesale for the dashboard of your car."
================================================
[from Hal Stein, via HAND!]

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why?!  I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs benedict."  His order comes a while later
and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.  He asks the waiter,
"Whats with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate
like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.  So... the one
flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the
worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets
da woim."

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each
other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 
================================================
[forwarded by Walt, on REHU]

A HYMN FOR THE 150TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE 
LUTHERAN CHURCH--MISSOURI SYNOD
        (to be sung to ST. DENIO (Immortal, Invisible))

Unmoving, Unshaking, and stubborn as mules
'Cause we've set up all sorts of most rigid rules
Don't come to Communion, we'll turn you away--
We're not like those liberals in E-L-C-A

Our women are quiet, the pulpit's for men.
The rooster rules over the nest and the hen.
Don't ask any questions; just do as you're told--
Good Lutherans, like Jello, are made from a mold.

Like Luther, we're grounded in God's Faith and Fear.
We sing Bach with gusto and brew our own beer.
We don't want outsiders; Our church is the best.
We're God's chosen people, the LC-MS.
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking
down the avenue when they observed a very well dressed and
attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One turned to the other
and remarked,"I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that young
lady". To their suprise the young lady overheardd the remark and
turned around and said,"I'll take you up on that". She had a neat
appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend
goodnight, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment, where
they went immediatly to bed.

The following morning he presented with $25.00 as he prepared to
leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating,"If you don't give
me the other $25.00, I will sue you for it". He laughed saying,"I'd
like to see you get it on those grounds". The very next day he was
suprised when he recieved a summons ordering his presence in court as
a defendant of the case. His lawyer said,"She can't possibly get a
judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to
see how the case is presented".

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows:

"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of
time, for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the
property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was
rented, but upon excavating the premises, he paid only $25.00...only
half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it
is restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against
the defendant to assure payment of the balance".

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his
opponent had presented the case, and his defense, therefore, was
somewhat altered from what he had originally planned. "your honor",
he said,"my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property,
and that he did rent said property for a time, and a degree of
pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a
well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a
shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being performed by himself. We
claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset
the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequatly compensated
for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that the
judgement not be granted".

The young lady's lawyer came back with this:  "Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that
he did make improvements such as my opponent described. However, had
the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never rented
the property. Also, upon excavating the premises the defendant
removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took his pump with him.
In doing so, he not only dragged this equipment through the
shrubbery, but left the hole larger than it was prior to this deal.
We, therefore, ask judgement to be granted.

"JUDGEMENT GRANTED TO THE YOUNG LADY... CASE CLOSED.....", said the
Judge. 
================================================
[a couple of short jokes from REHU.  First one is from Dave.]

Carmen, PC Version

[From the English translation....]

CHORUS

Toreador, put down that cheap cigar,
Find who you really are,
Buy a compact car.
And, after you have found your feminine side,
Red meat will have no hold on you!
Your womyn's found her voice, toreador!
Your sexist world is gone...

+----------------------------------------------+

[Richard Sissel wrote:] 

For those of you that are having problems with your windows, I use
Windex and a soft cloth but I hear that newspaper works better.  As I
came in here to do this I read the windows screen which says " Micro
soft " windows.  Is that in contrast to "Micro Hard " Windows? Any
one ever run into a "soft" window? 

[John Beadle replied:]

The microsoft company is named such because that is the conditions of
the designers brains, micro and very soft (those that have any).
Windows is called microsoft windows because they used these micro,
soft brains to copy it off macintosh.  It's amazing how bad a job
they did of it, most people couldn't do that bad a job if their life
depended on it 
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]


Three beautiful blonde women, while bathing at the beach, discover a
mysterious bottle in the sand. Upon opening it, they are surprised to
see a genie slither out in a shroud of smoke. The genie looks with
admiration at the three women and exclaims, "I am pleased to grant
each of you a single wish." Although skeptical, the first woman says,
"You know, I'm tired of all of these 'dumb blonde' jokes. I don't
want to be thought of as a dumb blonde any more, so please change me
into something else." The genie rubs his hands together and a puff of
smoke suddenly appears. It quickly clears, revealing a beautiful
brunette. The second woman points to the brunette, exclaiming, "I
agree with her completely! I too want to be something better." Again,
the genie rubs his hands together and POOF!... a beautiful red-head
appears. The woman smiles appreciatively. The genie then turns to the
third woman, who has remained silent throughout the magical
transformations. "Well," asks the genie, "What can I do for you?"
"Well... Dammit, I like being a blonde!" exclaims the third woman.
"And, in fact, I want to be even blonder and even dumber than I
already am!" "Okay," says the genie. So he rubs his hands together
for a third time. And, when the smoke clears, there stands a blonde
man. 
================================================
[From wildstrawberry@juno.com, via "The Humour List"]

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

 Prove: Barney is Satanic


 The Romans had no letter 'U' and used 'V' instead for printing,
 meaning

 the Roman representation for Barney would be:

 CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

 Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:

 C V V L D I V

 Decimal Equivalents are:

 100 5 5 50 500 1 5

 Adding those numbers produces: 666

 666 is the number of the beast.

 Therefore, Barney is Satan.
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

1.  I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2.  I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.

3.  I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4.  I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect from missing them.

5.  I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6.  I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7.  I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8.  If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9.  I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(The Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
================================================
[posted by Greg on REHU, originally seen in _New Scientist_.  I 
checked the website out - it's for REAL!!!]

Do you feel uneasy when you delete files from your computer? Does it
seem somehow wrong to consign all those once-valued words to a state
of nonexistence, simply by pressing a button on your keyboard?

If so, help is at hand. A Buddhist monk in Japan has set up a virtual
temple on the Internet to take applications to have memorial services
performed for software that has become useless, business projects
that have failed and information that has been "lost" or deleted.

Shokyu Ishiko, who is the chief priest of the Daioh Temple in Kyoto, 
has dedicated the virtual "Information Temple" to Manjusri, the
Buddhist incarnation of wisdom. Ishiko, who also has a doctorate in
agriculture, will host the first of his memorial services for lost
information at his real temple on 24 October. He will also offer
ounselling on spiritual issues at the Internet site.

So long as it hasn't been lost, the virtual temple is here.
[http://www.thezen.or.jp] 
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]

 Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet
 in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the
 Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more.
 None worked.
 
 Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
 noticed a small ad that read:
 
 Lose weight
 Only $1.00 a pound
 Call (202) 555-0238
 
 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A
 voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
 lose?"
 
 The man responded, "Ten pounds."
 
 The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number
 and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the
 morning."
 
 About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the
 door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except
 for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can
 have me."
 
 Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
 sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
 panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was
 through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
 bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed
 to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
 
 That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
 other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
 which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty
 pounds."
 
 "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your
 credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to
 your house in the morning."
 
 At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on
 the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde
 dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck
 stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a
 good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but
 he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him,
 "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to
 the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
 
 "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening
 he called the number again and the voice at the other end
 asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!"
 the man exclaimed.  "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s
 an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied,
 "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have
 your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up
 the phone.
 
 About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
 splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next
 representative.
 
 At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens
 the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his
 neck stating,
 
 "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
================================================
[From Michael J. Irvin, via "Just too Funny!"] 

I'm Hungry - A Teenager's Lament 

I'm hungry, so I think I'll take
A bite or two of lunch,
A pizza and a chocolate cake,
Some peanut butter crunch,
A healthy slice of apple pie,
A pound or so of ham,
A stack of waffles (two feet high)
With boysenberry jam.
I'll follow with a dozen eggs
(I'll scramble them, I guess)
And six or seven turkey legs,
(I could not do with less),
Some rhino roast and hippo stew
And fresh filet of horse,
Then rest a minute (maybe two)
And start the second course.

================================================
[From the JokeMaster Funnies list, via HAND!]

                        A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
                   "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

 CODE WORD.....              MEANS

 40-ish                      48
 Adventurer                  Has had more partners than you ever will
 Affectionate                Possessive 
 Artist                      Unreliable 
 Athletic                    Flat chested 
 Average looking             Ugly 
 Beautiful                   Pathological liar 
 Commitment-minded           Pick out curtains, now! 
 Communication important     Just try to get a word in edgewise 
 Contagious Smile            Bring your penicillin 
 Educated                    College dropout 
 Emotionally Secure          Medicated 
 Employed                    Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at  
                             home 
 Enjoys art and opera        Snob 
 Enjoys Nature               Bring your own granola 
 Exotic Beauty               Would frighten a Martian 
 Feminist                    Fat; ball buster 
 Financially Secure          One paycheck from the street 
 Free spirit                 Substance user 
 Friendship first            Trying to live down reputation as slut 
 Fun                         Annoying 
 Gentle                      Comatose 
 Good Listener               Borderline Autistic 
 Humorous                    Caustic 
 Intuitive                   Your opinion doesn't count 
 In Transition               Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills 
 Light drinker               Lush 
 Looks younger               If viewed from far away in bad light 
 Loves Travel                If you're paying 
 Loves Animals               Cat lady 
 Mature                      Will not let you treat her like a farm   
                             animal in bed, like last boyfriend did 
 New-Age                     All body hair, all the time 
 Non-traditional             Ex-husband lives in the basement 
 Old-fashioned               Lights out, missionary position only 
 Open-minded                 Desperate 
 Outgoing                    Loud 
 Passionate                  Loud 
 Petite                      Wouldn't stand out in a pack of 
                              Munchkins 
 Poet                        Depressive Schizophrenic 
 Professional                Bitch 
 Redhead                     Shops on the Clairol aisle 
 Reliable                    Frumpy 
 Reubenesque                 Grossly Fat 
 Romantic                    Looks better by candle light 
 Self-employed               Jobless 
 Smart                       Insipid 
 Special                     Rode the short schoolbus 
 Spiritual                   Involved with a cult 
 Stable                      Boring 
 Tall, thin                  Anorexic 
 Tan                         Wrinkled 
 Voluptuous                  Very Fat 
 Weight proportional to      Hugely Fat  
    height 
 Wants Soulmate              One step away from stalking 
 Widow                       Nagged first husband to death 
 Writer                      Pompous 
 Young at heart              Toothless crone


Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:

                       A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
                   "MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds


 CODE WORD...                MEANS...

 40-ish                      52 and looking for 25-yr-old
 Affectionate                Needy and looking for mother-figure
 Artist                      Delicate ego badly in need of massage
 Athletic                    Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
 Average looking             Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and
                              back
 Distinguished-looking       Fat, grey, and bald
 Educated                    Will always treat you like an idiot
 Employed                    On management track at Radio Shack
 Financially Secure          I will spend some money on you, in return
                              for which I will expect you to obey my
                              every whim for the duration of your
                              mortal life.
 Free Spirit                 Sleeps with your sister
 Friendship first            As long as friendship involves nudity 
 Fun                         Good with a remote and a six pack 
 Good looking                Arrogant bastard 
 Honest                      Pathological Liar 
 Huggable                    Overweight, more body hair than Gentle
                              Ben
 ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador
                              retriever
 Light drinker               Headed for AA
 Like to cuddle              Insecure, overly dependent
 Like romantic walks on      I read Cosmo and think this is what you
  the beach                   want to hear
 Mature                      Until you get to know him
 Open-minded                 Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
                              not interested
 Physically fit              I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
                              admiring myself
 Poet                        Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
                              constipated
 Professional                Owns a white button down
 Reliable                    Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
 Self-employed               Same as for women and eat nachos all
                              weekend
 Sensitive                   Needy
 Smart                       Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever
                              on TV"
 Spiritual                   Once went to church with his grandmother
                              on Easter
 Stable                      Occasional stalker, but never arrested
 Thoughtful                  Says "Please" when demanding a beer
 Virile                      Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without
                              passing out
 Young at heart              Pedophile
================================================
[posted on REHU by Dickibus, from Joke A Day]

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late
dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with
potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who
lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he
decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite
delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again
the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out
the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were
much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." 
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]

 
 30 Fun Things to do When Driving
 
  1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
  2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to
      headbang.
  3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously
      with a look of fear, lock your doors.
  4. Two words: Chicken suit.
  5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
      The more it looks like blood, the better.
  6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
      seat, when driving alone.
  8. Stop at the green lights.
  9. Go at the red ones.
  11. Eat food that requires silverware.
  12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
  13. Sing without having the radio on.
  14. Honk frequently without motivation.
  15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry
       look and an obscene gesture.
  16. Ask people for Gray Poupon.
  17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
  18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  19. Restart your car at every stop light.
  21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw
       their butts out the window.
  24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
  25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild,
       noisy sex.
  27. Stop and collect roadkill.
  28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
  29. Throw Spam.
  30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ...
       to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
       Throw Spam at them.
 
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]

 LIFESAVERS
 
 A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
 broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.  With
 their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones
 to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
 
 Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of
 lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine.
 "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
 announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to
 identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the
 teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their
 mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
 
 "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
 Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
 
 Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
 mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
 
================================================
[from Lobster]

Q: How many Theravadins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None-Theravadins don't screw..

Q: How many Mahayana practitioners does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? 
A;  Of course- it takes Everybody...

Q How many Tantric practitioners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A;  Shsh-its a Secret..

Q How many DzogChen/Mahamudra practitioners does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? 
A:There's nothing wrong with the lightbulb...

+---------------------------+

Koan:  "How Many Buddhists Does It Take to Screw In A Light Bulb?"

Reply 1. No one will ever know.  To a Buddhist there is always plenty
of light, the light bulb is only an illusion, as is the fact that the
old one burned out, and they have no *desire* to change anything.

Reply 2. One is the answer. And quick, so he'll have time to do more
things for the benefit of all living beings.

Reply 3. In  this case we'll never know. It's Karma that caused it to
blow, and one shouldn't interfere with Karma

Reply 4.   The Light Bulb Sutra;    Of course, in reality the
lightbulb is devoid of inherent existence, there is no changing of the
lightbulb, and no-one who changes it, yet through inaction nothing
remains undone.  The lightbulb does not intend to shine, nor does the
Changer of the Bulb intend to change it.  To have the goal of changing
the bulb ensures that one will never achieve it. Only by non-intention
can the goal, which is a non-goal, be achieved. Yet nothing whatsoever
is achieved;  this is why it is called Supreme Achievement.  It is
only this:  to unscrew one bulb and screw in another. How ordinary! 
How miraculous!  The lightbulb was never extinguished. You are already
in a state of light, and have only to realise it--
================================================
[from Sosimo Sotelo, via "Just Too Funny!"]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. So
He lost the shirt off  his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and the second half of his round trip ticket  If he could just get
to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front
of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained
his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc.
but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you do not have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"  So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to
catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he
see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy
who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.  

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks,"  came the reply. "And
how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the
back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with
the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied
"fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove
slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile
and thumbs up sign to each driver.
================================================
[several jokes from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

The 100 year old man was being interviewed in his nursing home room
by a TV crew. 

Reporter: Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long.

Old Man: I don't ever drink.  I never smoked And I stayed away from
women. 

Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall and a nurse ran by the
door. She was being followed by an agile looking older man with a
foul smelling cigar in his hand and spilling what smelled like whisky
all over the place. 

Reporter: What was that all about. 

Old Man: Please excuse that.  My father gets out of control sometimes

+----------------------------------+
   Where does a roof go to meet dates?
   To a shingles bar.

+----------------------------------+

A duck walks into a restarant and says "Do you have duck food here?"
The proprietor says "No", and the duck leaves. The duck comes back
the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The proprietor
says "I told you no yesterday. If you come back and ask me again, I'm
going to nail your feet to the floor." The duck comes back the next
day and says "Do you have any nails?" The proprietor says "No". The
duck then asks "Well, then do you have any duck food?".

+----------------------------------+

The first settlers of North America were very anxious at the approach
of winter.  This season was unlike anything they had ever lived
before in Europe.  After a few trials and a lot of errors, they
realized that having more than enough wood to burn in the stove or
chimney was important.  So, our newly settled stettler cut down a few
trees in logs but was wondering if it was enough.  He asked the old
Indian wise man if the winter would be long.  He replied that it
would be fairly long. So our hero cuts down a few more trees in logs
to increase his reserve of wood.  He went back to the old Indian wise
man and asked him if the winter would be long.  He replied that it
would be quite long. Panicky,  he chopped down half of his wooden
lot, working day and night, and made up a huge pile of logs to burn.
He returned to see the old Indian wise man and asked him if the
winter was going to be long.  He replied that the coming winter would
be very very long indeed! 'But how can you make such predictions?' 
asked the settler. 'White man cuts very much wood' replied the
Indian...

================================================
[posted on REHU by Moatman]

>From the Letters to the Editor section of the July/August issue of
that respected scientific journal The Annals of Improbable Research.
The letter reads as follows:

I have made a careful study of bandwidths and their influence on
communications. Using a fixed number of trombones (N=76) in each
study, I have determined that the width of the band is actually a
function of the width of the avenue. This correlation is maintained
whether or not there are 110 cornets right behind. There is, on the
other hand, an inverse correlation between bandwidth and bandlength
for different values of N, when avenue remains constant. In avenues
of communication, there are no statistically measurable differences
in band-reception from the standpoint of a streetside audience,
except when band quality is so bad it is poorly received. Researchers
in data communications are cautioned that bandlength can be more
critical than bandwidth. Very long data strings, which I call
"parades," can invoke inattentiveness in the receivers.

(Signed) J. Sousa, Philadelphia, PA
================================================
[from Richard Anderson, via "Just Too Funny!"]

    The Perfect Day According To.......

    HER
    08:45   Wake up to hugs and kisses.
    09:00   5 pounds lighter on the scales. 
    09.30   Light breakfast.
    11:00   Sunbathe.
    12:00   Lunch with best friend at outdoors cafe. 
    1:30    Shopping.
    2:30    Run into boyfriends EX, notice she's gained thirty pounds.
    3:00    Facial, massage and nap. 
    7:00    Candlelit dinner for two and dancing. 
    10:00   Make love. 
    11:00   Pillow talk in his big strong arms.

    Him
    10:00   Wake up.
    10:02   Oral sex.
    10:10   Big breakfast.
    11:30   Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde + big
            hooters. 
    1:00    Make something with hands and wood, grunt. 
    2:15    Enormous lunch. 
    3:00    Oral sex. 
    3:10    Play sports with the guys. 
    4:00    Drink beer with the guys. 
    5:45    Oral sex. 
    6:00    Meet Claudia Schiffer. 
    6:10    Oral sex. 
    6:20    Huge dinner, more beer. 
    8:00    Football with the guys. 
    9:30    Oral sex (at half-time!). 
    11:00   Full on, get down, gorilla sex. 
    11:05   Oral sex. 
    11:10   Sleep

The last 10 things any women would ever say:

10.  Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just
friends. 
9.   Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche 
that way. 
8.   I think hairy butts are really sexy. 
7.   Hey, get a whiff of that one. 
6.   Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the 
armpit are just too cute. 
5.   This diamond is way too big. 
4.   I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. 
3.   Wow, it really is 14 inches! 
2.   Does this thing make my butt look too small? 
1.   I'm wrong, you must be right again.


The last 10 things any man would ever say:

10.  I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother#$%^#*. 
9.   While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8.   I think hairy butts are really sexy. 
7.   Her tits are just too big.
6.   Sometimes I just want to be held.
5.   That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody. 
4.   Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3.   We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
hold your purse. 
2.   Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown. 
1.   I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

================================================
[from Jr "Cheese" Maz, via "Just Too Funny!"]

If Men Got Pregnant:

1.  Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay.
2.  There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
3.  Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4.  Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health
problem. 
5.  All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent 
effectiveness. 
6.  Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet 
trained. 
7.  Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 
8.  They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute. 
9. Fathers  would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00 
pm. 
10.  Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags. 
11.  They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him." 
12.  Paternity suits would be a line of clothes. 
13.  They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months. 
14.  Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as 
entrees. 
15.  Women would rule the world.
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen, from the ASHcan-L Special FTC]

The Lone Ranger and Tanto were captured by Indians.  And the Indian
Chief said "We could kill you now, but before we do, we will grant
you one wish."  The Lone Ranger said "If you don't mind, Sir, I'd
like to speak to my horse."  The Chief thinks that's a strange
request, but he agrees. He whispers to the horse and the Silver takes
off, he's gone.  Five minutes later he comes over the horizon,
followed by hundreds of naked women, as far as the eye can see.  The
Indians go crazy and have a huge orgy.  Everybody has a great time,
the girls get back on the horses and ride off into the sunset.  The
Indian Chief straightens his head dress and says "That was wonderful,
Kimosabe.  I'm still going to kill you. But, since you were so good
to my men, I'll give you one last request, one more time. What's it
gonna be?"  The Lone Ranger says "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like
to whisper something to my horse again."  The Chief thinks it's
strange, but he lets him do it.  The Lone Ranger leans over to the
horse and says "You idiot!!  I said POSSE!!" 
================================================
[forwarded by Maureen, via REHU]

THE 23RD POUND

My appetite is my shepherd.
I always want.
It leadeth me to the refrigerator.
Repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King.
For a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, tho I knoweth I gaineth.
I will not stop eating -- for food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies They comfort me.
When the table is spread before me It exciteth me.
For I know I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth small.
Surely bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my
life ... 
And I shall be ... Fat Forever.



PSALM OF THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR

Dr. ( ) is my professor
I shall not pass.
He maketh me to exhibit mine ignorance before the whole class.
He telleth me more than I can write.
He lowreth mine grades.
Yea, though I walk through the corridors of knowledge, I do not learn.
He tryeth to teach me. 
He writeth equations before me in hopes that I will understand them. 
He bombardeth my head with integrations. 
My calculator freezeth up. 
Surely enthalpies and entropies shall follow me all the days of my 
life 
And I shall dwell in the School of Engineering forever.

(Found in the Colorado Engineer magazine, author unknown)


THE 23rd QUALM

Bill Clinton is my shepherd, whom I do not want.
He maketh many lies about green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubt about the Democratic party.
He leadeth me in the paths of Socialism for his name's sake
Yea, I will walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Debt
And I will fear much evil for he is with me
And Hillary Rodham and her staff they discomfort me
He preparest a tax hike for me
To give presents to mine enemies.
He anointest my wages with inflation so that my
  expenses runneth over my income.
Surely proverty and hard times shall follow me
All the days of his administration,
And I will dwell in the rented HUD house forever.
================================================
[from Richard Dover, via Kathleen M. Murphy]

A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

Indicators              Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood)           Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust                 Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch                  Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture                Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner                 Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car              Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Parking Meter           Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper        Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake               Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever              Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser            Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror        Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt               Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights              Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars)      Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code            Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning             Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam             Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat               Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tyres                   Flahttfarts
Backfire                Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut              Der Fukkengrett Trucken
Accident                Der Bledinmess
Garage                  Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist                 Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid                    Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines      Overtaken und Krunchen
Near Accident           Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen
================================================
[forwarded by Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

     The Top 15 Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us

15.  A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector
set, if you know what I mean.

14.  Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your
head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."

13.  You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled
Lego bricks.

12.  Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl-the-
Stockboy" display.

11.  You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding a
Tonka truck filled with fertilizer.

10.  Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're
the new "Jerry Springer" edition.

9.  The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not
selling.

8.  Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically
correct.

7.  Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs
again.

6.  Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey
the Giraffe.

5.  Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after
you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

4.  Caught hocking phlegm into tikes' hands and telling them it was
"homemade Gack."

3.  Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-
Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2.  Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the
Giraffe in a leather bar.

And the Number 1 Reason For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us.........

1.  Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid... I'm on
break." 
================================================
[from Chuck Palmer, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

The following were found scribbled into the stall wall at Microsoft,
courtest of MAD magazine.


Bill Gates downloads here

Where do you want to go today?
     In the crapper!

Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!

Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!

To flush, press handle.  You do not need to hold Control, ALT and
Delete at the same time.

The Basic Program
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the walls!
Yeah, that's what the internet is for!

Why cant B*ll G*tes get dates?
Becuase he's Microsoft

-Rajeey has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! - Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! - Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS - Fred
-Byte me! - Rajeev and Carl

Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of
her from the web!
================================================
[from Ted Cashion via "A Joke A Day"]

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

  -your twin sister forgets your birthday.
  -you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
  -you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
  -your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  -you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes 
out of your city.
  -you sink your teeth into a thick, juicy steak and they stay there.
  -your son/daughter asks to borrow some of your clothes because it's
Nerd day at school.
  -your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
  -the Fire Department shows up to "help" you blow out the candles on
your birthday cake.
  -you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that
you're no longer funny (And I know THAT will never happen! Yeah
Right!)
  -the organ donation department shows up at your front door and asks
how you are feeling.
  -your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
  -you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that 
reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
  -when someone accuses you of faking humor
  -you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
  -you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned
  chocolate....

   AGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!
================================================
[couple of jokes posted to REHU.  The first is from PADLAD]

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to
each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to
some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his
apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks
would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked
the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh No! thank
you.  I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol". The elderly
doctor promptly handed  back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess
said,"Madam, I did not know there  was a choice."

+-------------------------------------------+

[forwarded by Dickibus, on REHU]

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. 

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you
are having sex?" 

"Well, yes, I did once." 

"Well, how did he look?" 

"Very angry." 

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting 
somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look 
into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your 
husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did 
it occur that you saw his face that time?" 

"He was looking through the window at us."

================================================
[Forwarded by Kathleen M. Murphy]

     WORDS NOT YET IN THE DICTIONARY:

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
`remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen
in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you
at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until
he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
"illegal" side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away. 
================================================
[from Walt, on REHU]

If You're in Education, You Probably...

...think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allowed to reproduce.

...wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

...laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the
lounge.

...believe in aerial spraying of prozac.

...would encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools
or home schooling.

...believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having
taught in an elementary school setting for at least 5 years. 
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

         Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy
 
Where bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., for 73 cents.

Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy.  

Extra special bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the 
U.S. recommended daily allowance for cholesterol.  Yes, that's no 
typo - 1,170 percent.  

Suggested alternative use: Switch label with a fruit cocktail cans
for a horrific lunchbox prank.

Company defense: "People love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman
for Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldn't
discover  the breadth of that love, because she refused to release
sales figures. A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce),
Dedera brushed aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count,
saying, "If you're going to eat brains, you're not going to worry
about cholesterol." Good point. 
================================================
[posted by  Marsha Mundinger on REHU.  Supposedly true...]

Did you know it is illegal to....

Oregon state law prohibts self-service at gas stations.  

If you are headed to the Canyonlands in Utah, beware that birds have
the right of way on the that state's highways.

It is illegal to shave your whiskers while driving in Massachusetts.

It is illegal to walk down the street with your shoelaces untied in
Maine.

Tying or securing a giraffe to a telephone pole in Atlanta is
illegal.

Peeling an orange in California hotel rooms.

Fishing while wearing your pajamas in Chicago.

Shooting open a can of food in Indiana.

Setting fire under a mule in Ohio.

Whistling under water in Vermont.

Breaking more than three dishes a day in Florida

Dressing a mannequin without shutting the window shades in Atlanta.

Trying on more that six dresses in any one store in Joliet, Ill.,
even if you pull the shades.

Connecticut law requires that restaurateurs to offer sections for
nose blowing and nonnose blowing.  

Last one, all public eateries in Bristow, Okla, are required to
serve each patron a peanut in a shell for every glass of water served. 
================================================
[first one is from Aditya, on REHU]

Flying into St. Louis, the pilot radioed the control tower for a
time check.  The tower replied asking what airline.

"What difference does it make who we are?"

"Well, if you're United we would tell you its 1500 hours.  If you are
Continental, the time is 3 PM.  If you are Braniff, then the big
hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  But if you're
Ozark, its Tuesday." 

+-----------------------------------+

[from Ron, on REHU]

On a USAir flight circling Charlotte NC in an interminable holding
pattern, the Captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize
for the delay, but the machine that we use to remove the handles,
name tags, and wheels from your luggage is broken and the attendants
are in the holding area removing them manually.  Thank you for your
patience." 

================================================
[from Ted Cashion, on "A Joke A Day"]

THE HILLBILLY/REDNECK MEDICAL DICTIONARY

ARTERY: The study of painting
BACTERIA: The back door of the cafeteria
BARIUM: What the doctors do when patients die 
BOWEL:  A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESARIAN SECTION: A neighborhood in Rome 
CAT SCAN: Searching for a kitty 
CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with her 
COLIC: A sheep dog
D & C: Where Washington is 
DILATE: To live long 
ENEMA: Not a friend 
FESTER:  Quicker 
G.I. Series:  A Soldiers Ball Game 
HANGNAIL:  A coat hook 
IMPOTENT:  Distinguished, well known 
LABOR PAIN: Getting hurt at work 
MEDICAL STAFF:  A doctor's cane 
MORBID:  A higher offer 
NITRATES: Cheaper than day rates 
NODE: Was aware of 
OUTPATIENT: A patient who fainted 
PELVIS: A cousin to Elvis 
POST OPERATIVE: A letter carrier
RECOVERY ROOM: A place to do reupholstery 
RECTUM: Dang near killed 'em 
SEIZURE: A Roman emperor 
TABLET: A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport 
TUMOR: More than one 
URINE: Opposite of you're out 
VARICOSE: Nearby
================================================
[from Barbara Scheele, via REHU]

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they
come across a lake. the water is enticing and Snow White decides to
take a bath.

Being modest, she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is
preparing to take the bath. The Dwarfs protest until Snow White
relents and says that when I get into the water and you hear the
splash, you can turn around.

So Snow White undresses and is about to jump into water, however, at
that very moment a frog jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow
White standing NAKED.

So, what product is being advertised?



Page down for answer NOW.








                       SEVEN UP
================================================
[from Robert M. Bates, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

MEN BASHING....

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss
them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this |<----------------------| is
12 inches.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able
to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least
then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5,000 miles,
whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will
screw anything.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their
brains.

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men
when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the
first time, you can walk on them for life!
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen M. Murphy]

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
	-On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. 
		O'Ryan's Irish Pub.  Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
	-Perkins Library.  Duke University. 
		Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
	-Houghton Library, Harvard University.  Cambridge, Massachusetts. 

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then 
let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
	-Armand's Pizza.  Washington, D.C. 

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping 
for ice.
	-Smoky Joe's.  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
	-Rest stop off Route 81.  West Virginia.

God made pot.  Man made beer. Who do you trust?
	-The Irish Times.  Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
	-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired 
of putting up with her shit.
	-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill.  
		Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
	-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson,  Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
	-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.  Hell, do both, get married!
	-Women's restroom, The Filling Station.  Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead.  -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead.  -God
	-The Tombs Restaurant.  Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
	-Revolution Books.  New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're going 
to have trouble with it.
	-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort.  Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
	-Men's restroom, American University.  Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
  Congress! 
	-Men's restroom, House of Representatives. 
		Washington, D.C. 

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. 
	-Men's restroom, Lynagh's. Lexington, Kentucky. 

Some come here to scratch their balls,
While others come to write on walls, 
Still others come to sit and think, 
But I just came to shit and stink. 
	-Men's room, Jake's Place, San Francisco, California.

Peace is the interval between wars.

We are the unwilling, 
Being led by the incompetent,
To do the impossible. 
	-Soldiers' Quote from the Vietnam War.

Please, Lord, 
In today's battle, 
I pray that they distribute the bullets
Just like they do the pay - - so that the officers get the most.
	-Soldiers' Quote from World War II.
================================================
[From Aditya, via REHU]

                       Warning Labels That Are P.C.

As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of
warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet
we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really
necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light
of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible professionals and
science enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new
laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably
informative warnings on the packaging of every product in every
category offered for sale. Our suggested list of required warnings
follows.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of
85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May
Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any
Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The
Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience
That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next
Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of
the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a ``Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found
Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is
Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers
No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled
Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to
Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity
Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be
Guaranteed. 
================================================
[from Ted Cashion, of "A Joke A Day" Ministries]

Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and
drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license
plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately. 

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. 

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is.  The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years
in jail. 

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. 

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. 

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it
was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself
stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money
from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through
which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he
located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. 

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

New York City:  You may remember that several years ago, terrorists
bombed the parking garage of the World Trade Center. They had
planted the bomb in a rented van parked in the garage. The terrorists
were apprehended when one of them returned to the rental agency and
attempted to claim the deposit on the van.

(Location Unknown):  A man got busted when he tried to set up a drug
deal by phone and dialed the wrong number. The person he reached was
a police officer in the Narcotics Dept. 

Denmark: A chap was breaking into a police car. Windows of the car
was darkened, so he was not able to notice one little thing: there
was three constables sitting inside the car... 

Texas: Two petty thieves broke into a house and stole a TV,VCR, and a
camcorder. When they went home they thought the camcorder was so
neat, they decided to start filming one another, complete with names
and even a shot of the house they lived in. After getting seriously
drunk,they went to bed. The next day they decided to get a little
cash so they took their ill-gotten loot to a pawn shop and sold
everything. Only one problem, they left the tape in the camcorder!
The trial is this summer. 

(Location Unknown): Seems this guy wanted some Beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block thru the Liquor Store
window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the Liquor Store window was made of Plexi-Glass. 
The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Location Unknown):  As a female shopper exited a conveinence store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran.  The clerk called 911 immediately and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. 
They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store.  The thief
was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID.  To which he replied "Yes Officer..that's her.  That's the lady I
stole the purse from."  Yes...this IS a true story!


Come check out our Website:  
<http://members.aol.com/AJokeADay7/home.html>
A Joke A Day Ministries

And tell all your friends, neighbors, bosses, teachers, cousins,
second cousins, second cousins once removed, fathers, mothers,
children, grandchildren, great-grand children, great-great
grandchildren, postal workers, doctors, co-workers, non-co-workers,
total strangers, fellow inmates, military personel, missionaries,
Church leaders, Church followers, internet pals, buddy lists,
goverment workers, bank personel, wives/ husbands (only one per
taxpayer please), pets, neighbor's pets, strays, local police
officers, hairdressers, convienence store personel, barbers, nurses,
newspaper reporters, pool cleaners, waiters, waitresses, house
painters, space aliens, space aliens who may have abducted you,
pilots, security guards, ... etc. 
================================================
[three short ones.  The first is from George.]

 An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and
 asks, "What's your problem, Soldier?" 
 "Chronic syphillis, Sir"
 "What treatment are you getting?"
 "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 "What's your ambition?" 
 "To get back to the front, Sir."
 "Good man." says the Major.

 He goes to the next bed.
 "What's your problem, Soldier?"
 "Chronic piles, Sir"
 "What treatment are you getting?"
 "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
 "What's your ambition?" 
 "To get back to the front, Sir."
 "Good man." says the Major.

 He goes to the next bed.
 "What's your problem, Soldier?"
 "Chronic gum disease, Sir"
 "What treatment are you getting?"
 "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." 
 "What's your ambition?" 
 "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir" 
+-----------------------------------+
[forwarded by Kathleen M. Murphy]

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work,
she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. 

She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt
to go with it.  She greeted her husband when he came home from work
and sat across from him as they had a drink.  She slowly spread her
legs . . . "Honey would you like some of this . . . ?"

"Hell, no! Look what it's done to your underwear!"
+-----------------------------------+
[forwarded by Kathleen M. Murphy]

This adds a
 new perspective to those "got milk?" ads.

A woman at an interactive advertising agency recently returned from
maternity leave, and sent the following e-mail: 

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the
refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it.  I would find it
forever  difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table while
having a discussion about java applets or brand identity.  Just be
aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you get my drift.
I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee
tasted just a little bit special, you might think of calling your
mom and telling her you love her." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian.  PLEASE keep the credits with it if you pass it 
on!] 

+-----------------------------------------+ 
[Written by Jerry Garrison (June 21, 1997)]

After all the "mess" this week with the Southern Baptist Convention
voting to boycott Disney, I got to thinking "What if Disney bought
the Southern Baptist Convention?". I know it's not possible due to
the autonomy of the Southern Baptist Church, but I thought it would
be fun to image "What if".  So, Here's my Top Ten List.....

The Top Ten Changes to The Southern Baptist Convention and Churches
if bought by Disney.

10) All Saints Sunday would be spent remembering Bambi's mother. 
9) The Doxology would be replaced with "It's a Small World After 
All". 
8) Cruella De Vil would become President of the SBC, succeeding a 
long line of other villains. 
7) Lottie Moon Missionary Offering replaced with Mary Poppins "Feed 
The Birds" Offering. 
6) New feature releases, "The Lion King of Judah", "One Hundred and 
One Damnations", and "Peter Pan Witnesses to the Lost Boys". 
5) Deacons replaced by Seven Dwarfs. 
4) New Baptistery complete with wave pool and water slide. 
3) Communion wafers would be in the shape of cartoon characters. 
2) Vacation Bible School replaced with "Mickey Mouse Club". 
1) Fairies would be welcome in Baptist Churches. 

	- Written by Jerry Garrison (June 21, 1997) 
	  Email - jerryg@waga.net 
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

The following are actual letters to "Dear Abby"...........

Dear Abby:  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out.  Do you think they
could be Lebanese? 
------ 
Dear Abby:  I've been married for six years and have five kids.  No
twins.  My husband still wants to have six every night and sometimes
in the morning, too.  I told him he should get himself a hobby and he
says that is his hobby. 
----- 
I have a man I never could trust.  Why, he cheats so much I'm not 
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
----- 
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill 
for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend 
should share half the cost but I don't know him well enough to 
discuss money with him. 
----- 
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around and when I 
confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it 
would never happen again. 
----- 
Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was 
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 
----- 
I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get 
out? 
----- 
My 40-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every 
week for 2-1/2 years.  He must be crazy. 
----- 
I have met a woman who is perfect for me in every way.  With her I 
can find the happiness I've always dreamed of. However, I still feel 
an obligation to the woman I'm married to. 
----- 
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank 
until one night he came home sober. 
----- 
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? 
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. 
----- 
My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think she is going through 
her mental pause. 
----- 
I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He's the chief petting 
officer. 
----- 
...Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in 
sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in 
sex years ago and he is a doctor.
----- 
This is the second marriage for both of us.  And when my husband said 
"I will" he knew damn well he couldn't. 
----- 
Dear Abby: My husband hates to spend money.  I cut my own hair and 
make my own clothes and I have to account for every nickel I spend. 
Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke 
a cow.  How do I get some money out of him before we are both called 
to our final judgement? He says he's saving for a rainy day.  signed- 
Forty Years Hitched. 

Dear Hitched:  Tell him its raining! 
-----
Dear Abby:  Are birth control pills deductible?  KAY 
Dear Kay:  Only if they don't work. 
----- 
Dear Abby:  Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at 
the same time?  JAKE 

Dear Jake:  Yes, and also hazardous. 
----- 
Dear Abby:  I know boys will be boys, but my "boy" is 73 and he's 
still chasing women.  Any suggestions?  ANNIE 

Dear Annie: Don't worry.  My dog has been chasing cars for years, but 
if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. 
-----
Dear Abby:  I have always wanted to have my family history traced, 
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.  Any 
suggestions?  SAM IN CAL. 

Dear Sam:  Yes.  Run for public office.
----- 
Dear Abby: I am 44 years old and I would like to meet a man my age 
with no bad habits.  ROSE 

Dear Rose:  So would I. 
----- 
Dear Abby:  What's the difference between a wife and a mistriss?  
BESS 

Dear Bess:  Night and Day! 
================================================
