6/27/97

[found at http://www.epix.net/~mcdowell/cowpie97.html]

6th ANNUAL COW PIE BINGO

                     AMERICAN LEGION - POST 510

                                P.O. BOX 1

                         LACEYVILLE, PA. 18623

                                    AND

             ST. JOACHIM'S - ST. BONAVENTURE'S PARISH

                     P.O. BOX 67 STERLING STREET

                          MESHOPPEN, PA. 18630



We are proud to announce the 6th Annual Cow Pie Bingo on Saturday,
July 19th, 1997, at the American Legion Hall, Post 510, Black
Walnut, Pa. St. Joachim's - St. Bonaventure's Parish will be joining
with the Black Walnut American Legion in this fund-raising venture. 

This year there will be music all day: "Stanky and The Coal Miners"
(Polka) from Noon until 3:00, "Victor Caines (D.J.)" from Noon until
??? and "Northern Lights" from 7:00 until 10:00. Also, there will be
a "FREE MONEY GRAB" every hour starting at 12:30 for those 18 and
older. As usual, we plan a large Car Show, Arts and Crafts displays
and games and rides for the kids. Also planned is a horse shoe
tournament. There will be plenty of food and drink for all,
especially our favorite Chicken Barbeque and Roast Beef Sandwiches. 

There will be grid squares marked off on the Cow Pie Bingo Field.
Those who purchase a ticket will be assigned one of those "squares"
and will be eligible for all eight (8) prizes - starting at $250.00
when the first cow "places her pie" on the field at 12:00 Noon and
ending at $2,000.00 when the eighth cow makes her contribution. 

We invite all who are interested to join us that day or, if you
prefer, you can support our parish and Legion by purchasing a $10.00
ticket. If you want tickets, you can call the Legion Hall
(869-9996), Bell Brothers (833-4170), John Stahl (869-2856), Jewelry
World in Tunkhannock (836-1458), Chuck Bullock (833-4017) or St.
Joachim's Rectory (833-2114). 
================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen M. Murphy]

Remedial driver-training

The following is from the March 1996 issue of Car and Driver 
magazine, page 32:

The following test questions from a California remedial
driver-training class reportedly are real.  Incredibly, so are the
answers, drawn from tests taken by drivers who had been cited for
moving violations and ordered to attend the Saturday sessions.

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? 
A. What for?  He can't see my license plate. 

Q. Who has the right-of-way when four cars approach a four-way stop 
at the same time? 
A. The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying 
"Guns don't kill people.  I do."

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use? 
A. Your car. 

Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? 
A. Be too blitzed to find your keys.

Q. What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk 
driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer 
drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a 
flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.

Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic? 
A. Heavy psychedelics. 

Q. What can you use to help ease a heavy traffic problem? 
A. Carry loaded weapons.
================================================
[from Sosimo Sotelo, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Author is apparently Joe  Mullich, as published in AmericanWay
Magazine, 15 November 1994.

You might be a computer geek if:

1.  Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address
book.  The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two
on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across
the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.  In essence,
you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is
letterhead.

2.  You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at
least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3.  You have to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you
can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only
computers with laser printers.

4.  You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you
forget to send your father a birthday card.

5.  You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.  When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a
salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him
and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions,
while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7.  You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation
without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.  You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say
the phrase "digital compression."  Everyone understands what you
mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have
to explain it.

9.  You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up
your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice
number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house
are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke
symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13.  You back up your data every day.

14.  Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the
store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15.  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.  On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the
pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.  The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18.  You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19.  You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the
exhibit hall in advance.  But you cannot give someone directions to
your house without looking up the street names.

20.  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.  You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell
you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and
demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive
more information about the product it is selling.

22.  You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter
and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23.  Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24.  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know
where they are.

25.  While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26.  You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure
enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology
question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27.  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires.

28.  You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster
you own turns bread into charcoal.

29.  You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track ad.

30.  You understand all the jokes in this message.  If so, my
friend, technology has taken over your life.  We suggest, for your
own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku.  And don't
use a laptop.

31.  You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd
never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to
them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these
people face-to-face.
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

TOP TEN REASONS THE BAPTISTS ARE BOYCOTTING DISNEY: 

10) Disney is open on Sundays.

9)   Mice don't tithe.

8)   Disney is anti-family: any kid given a choice of going to
church or going to Disney World will choose the Mouse.

7)   Almost as many people go to Disney World as to 1st Baptist
Church Anytown, USA. 

6)   Baptists don't understand Disney movies.

5)   Baptists tend to confuse heaven with Disney World.

4)   The water rides don't completely immerse the patrons.

3)   Baptists thought the movie was "101 Damnations."

2)   Baptists think Mickey is a Jewish name; a good Baptist would be
named Mike.

1)   Those little talking animals are unnatural and against God's
plan. 
================================================
[from Walter Snyder, via REHU]

You might be in education if [part 2] ....

...you think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

...you know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I
have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"

...you smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says,
"Oh, you must have such fun every day. It must be like playtime for
you."

...your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card
time.

...meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "why is
this kid like this?". 
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who
would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the
body, he should be boss.  The legs argued that since they took man
wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.  The stomach countered
with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should
be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so
they should be boss.

Then the asshole applied for the job.  The other parts of the body
laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days . . . The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the
stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They
all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss . . . 
================================================
[from Ted Cashion via "A Joke A Day"]

Gene Pool Needs A Little Chlorine

**Sign in a gas station:  Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar

**I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I
signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it,
they matched.

**Warning! At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit
card/bank card readers at the checkout stands.  If you don't know
how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout
person will say, "Strip down, face toward me." Editor's Note:  Am I
wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

**A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."  The owner
responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and
large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a
rather well-dressed business type,  disappointedly said, "Okay, I
guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

Idiots and Geography:
**After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots:
**An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees."  "Blink your eyelids periodically to
lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood
**I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal of
the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:  Many deer were being
hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers:
**My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a
woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"

Idiots Are Easy To Please
**I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner
became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her
that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Idiots In Food Services
**My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math:
**A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to
visit her for the holidays.  Someone asked how old her sister was, at
which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half
as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay,
it was me) said, "That's neat...  So every year that you age, she
only ages half a year?"  My co-worker thought about that, and then
said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years." 
================================================
[From Bill Edwards's HUMOR list on the University of Georgia's List
Server.  Posted by Grady, on REHU]

A woman has twins and she gives them up for adoption.  One goes to
Egypt and is named Amal by the couple that adopts him.  The other
goes to Mexico and is named Juan by his new parents.

Years later, Juan makes contact with his biological mother.  He
sends her a picture of himself.  She tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of her other son.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal." 
+---------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dickibus, via REHU]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.  The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. 

The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place
suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested
that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate
matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever did
before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her
youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for
what he did.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me!  There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!! 
+--------------------------------------+
[from Dick Gorrell]

A plane carrying religious leaders coming home from a conference was
forced to make an emergency landing in a cornfield.

Sliding down a chute, a priest was surprised to see a rabbi pick
himself up, dust himself off, and then begin crossing himself
repeatedly.

Approaching the rabbi, the priest asked, "Excuse me, rabbi, but I
couldn't help noticing that you are crossing yourself, which I
understood was not part of your faith. Why are you doing that?"

"Crossing, schmossing!" the rabbi replied, continuing the
up-and-down, left-to-right movements. "Spectacles, testicles, heart,
and vallet!" 
================================================
[from ASHcan-L e-mail list, via HAND!]

TOP REASONS TO GET A NEW CAR

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your
steering wheel.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

15 Minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car 3 days.

Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct tape that
windshield for you?"

While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was
hurt.

You never seem to get an answer at the AMC Gremlin help desk.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom
vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

You keep losing dates on left turns.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing
morning tie-ups. 
================================================
[from several people on REHU.  The first is from Walt]

THE TOP SURPRISES IN THE NEW "CAPTAIN KANGAROO" SHOW..

Photo of Mr. Rogers on the dart board.  

After his trip to Sweden, Mr. Greenjeans is now Ms. Jean Greene.

Strung-out Bunny Rabbit finally loses it and Uzi's the entire
Treasure House.

Moustache and red jacket replaced by goatee and flannel shirt.

Mister Moose's ping pong balls replaced with bowling balls and the
Captain is relentlessly pounded through the floorboards.

Grandfather Clock announces engagement to Anna Nicole Smith.

Show's new motto: "50% less creepy than Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood!"

And the Number 1 Surprise in the New "Captain Kangaroo" Show...Bunny
Rabbit accidentally becomes an entree during a guest appearance by
Wolfgang Puck. 

[from Swedie]
Grandfather Clock keeps playing with his pendulum.

[from Chris]
Captain keeps on "losing" things In Mrs. Kangaroo's pouch 

================================================
[from Ronald A. Veenker, via REHU]

Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine

GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down.  I
propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will
hover, spinning inches above the ground.  With a giant buttered cat
array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

RUNNERS-UP:
#1     If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an
infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all
the world's great literary works in Braille.

#2     Why Yawning Is Contagious:  You yawn to equalize the pressure
on your eardrums.  This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it
out.

#3     Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they
have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate
ideas at a faster rate.

#4     The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are
brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our
planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.  If
omitted in one place, they turn up in another.  When a Bostonian
"pahks" his "cah,"the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to
"warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." 
================================================
[from Ted Cashion, via "A Joke A Day"]

Politically Correct Statements For A  90's Student

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed
bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciosness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrone."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic
footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
descreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of
near-factual information."

And finally...

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."
================================================
[found on the net by Daniel Walker, forwarded to Ronald A. 
Veenker, who posted it on REHU]

Where do you want to go today?

Straight to hell, apparently.

The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime
choral music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs
through the Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet
Explorer. The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do
you want to go today?" and a final, furious blast of music. It's a
very cool effect. But if you dig a little deeper...

As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's
Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which
accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are actually
"confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..." In English:
"When the damned are confounded, and consigned to sharp flames...";
which describes exactly where I want to go today.

Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the
upgrade to purgatory is pretty steep.
================================================
[from angelpcp, via "A Joke A Day"]

Does Your Campground Have A BC?

The Story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always
quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.  She and her
husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a
particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't
quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.  She just
couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. 
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned
term BATHROOM COMMODE.  But when she wrote that down, she thought she
was being to forward.  So she started all over again, rewrote the
entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the
"BC".  "Does the campground have its own BC ?" is what she actually
wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he
got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking
about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it
for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't
figure out what the lady meant either.  So the campground owner
finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about
the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady the following
reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles
north of the campground as is capable of seating 250 people at one
time. 

I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late.  It is such a beautiful facility
and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can
be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so
crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may
interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to
raise money to buy more seats.  They are going to hold it in the
basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more
regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow
older it seems to be more of an effort , particularly in cold
weather. If you decide to came down to our campground, perhaps I
could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce
you to all the other folks.

(Remember, this is a friendly community.) 
================================================
                    THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR OUR TIME

                               Jennifer Hatte

                           Queen Bishop of Rehu-l

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before the gods of political
correctness, postmodernism and materialism. Thou shalt love the last
of these gods with all thine heart, and shalt pretend to love the
other two equally.

2. Thou shalt not make for thyself a graven image, or any likeness of
anything that is in the known universe. Thou mayest sculpt rock and
twist metal into distorted shapes, and thou mayest daub paint on
canvas, and thou mayest name these things after the name of anything
in the known universe, but any likeness there shall not be.
Otherwise, they shall not sell.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of any minority group in vain,
neither shalt thou take the name of Jacques Derrida & Co in vain.
Thou hast no need to understand anything of either.

4. Observe the sabbath day, to keep it filled with fitness-inducing
leisure pursuits or income generating activity. Six days shalt thou
labour and do thy work, and seven if necessary, but watch thy
blood-pressure.

5. Honour those who parented thee by persuading them into the most
expensive retirement village they can afford. Become not a 'carer' in
thine own home, so that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go
well with thee, in the six-bedroom (two with ensuite), double-garage
house which thy one true god should have provided by now if thou hast
kept these commandments.

6. Thou shalt not kill except in the name of thy government or if
thou hast an excellent lawyer.

7. Thou shalt not adulterate the history or culture of any minority
group with outmoded Euro/phallocentrism. This will ease thy
conscience so that thou mayest avoid all concrete expressions of
compassion.

8. Neither shalt thou steal, unless thou art feeling particularly
oppressed that day. Thou mayest, however, commit crimes galore in the
name of business, government and/or if thou canst afford an excellent
lawyer.

9. Thou shalt bear false witness against thy neighbour only by
innuendo, unless thou workest for a newspaper with an excellent legal
team.

10. Thou shalt not waste time coveting thy neighbour's spouse: go for
it. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's house as much as thou likest;
also his/her patio and swimming-pool, his/her au pair, his her
thoroughbred race-horse, his her pedigree dog or anything that is thy
neighbours. Thou shalt check out local laws carefully, however,
before admitting to coveting his ass. 
================================================
[forwarded by Grady to REHU]

Family Definitions

grandfather--a man whose daughter once married someone who was
vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to
unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

grandmother--a babysitter who doesnb't hang around the refrigerator.

father--someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for
snapshots.

mother--the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

child--a lump bred up in darkness.

aunt--the only person who would have made a better mother than your
mother.

uncle--a relative who only seem to like you when he needs something
done for him.

son--the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

daughter--a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he
married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds
her of why her husband married her.

cousin--the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

mother-in-law--a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice,
history, and judgements.

father-in-law--the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the
wedding because now his wife has another man to harrass. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

The Top 15 Other Boycotts of the Southern Baptists

15> Christmas carols, for promoting gay apparel

14> The Food Channel, because of repeated use of the terms "Beef
Tenderloins" and "Chicken Breast"

13> Devils Food Chocolate Birthday Cakes--oh, what the heck,
birthdays, too!

12> Richard Simmons, because "There's something just not quite right
about that man."

11> McDonald's, because "They're Irish."

10> "Poblec Skools"

9> No more Marilyn Manson concerts performed in Disney-owned venues

8> Pink Panther - gay or communist, hard to tell, doesn't matter

7> Warner Brothers for putting a talking, naked-from-the-waist- down
pig in their cartoons

6> Ben-Gay Ointment

5> Marvin Gaye records

4> The Smithsonian's Homo Erectus exhibit

3> Mentos?  The *Devil's* candy!

2> Federal Express - no respectable company says "package" in public


 and the Number 1 Other Boycott of the Southern Baptists...


1> The New York Yankees, because George Steinbrenner is an assho --
Uh, a wretched sinner 
================================================
[From Robin Lock, via REHU]

What If Mother Goose Had Tendencies And Propensities Toward
Verbosity And Prolixity, And Employed Polysyllabical Profundities In
The Communication Of Vital Impart?


Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
   ozocitereous structure.


Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries, 
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
   pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
   precipitation,
And to each point in space to which Mary would venture,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of
   certainty.


Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry. 
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus, 
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"


Lilliputian damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
 arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as to
 induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.
================================================
[from Tina Gunther, via Barbara Sheele on REHU]

Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head.
God bless mom and dad and the children too,
And God there's just one more thing I wish you would do--
If you don't mind my asking, just bless my 'puter, too?
Now I know that it's not normal to bless a small machine
But listen just a second and I'll try to explain.
You see, that little metal box holds more than odds and ends:
Inside those small components rests a hundred loving friends.

Some it's true I've never seen and most I've never met.
We've never shaken hands or ever truly hugged, and yet,
I know for sure they love me by the kindnesses they give
And this little scrap of metal is how I get to where they live.
By faith is how I know them much the same as I know You.
A share of life brings them close to me so if it's OK with You . .
Just take an extra minute from Your duties up above 
To bless this little hunk of steel that's filled with so much love.
================================================
[from Dickibus, on REHU]

In case you didn't get today's Classified Ads:

*Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

*Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

*Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.

*Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

*Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing
to travel.

*Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

*Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

*3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.

*Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.

*Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion.  Blue Cross and salary.

*Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

*For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.

*Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

*We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it
carefully by hand.

*For sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

*Great Dames for sale.

*Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.

*Tired of cleaning yourself.  Let me do it.

*Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here
first.

*Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
person.

*Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
drink.

*We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
home for $1.00.
================================================
[from Natasha, via REHU]

 Top 17 changes to Microsoft if it were based in Alabama.

1.  Their number one product would hence forth be known as "Winders
95". 

2.  Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle 

3.  Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a
hefty bag and some duct tape. 

4.  Dialog boxes would give you the choices of "Ahh-right","Naw" or
"Git" instead of "yes" "No" or "Cancel" 

5.  Instead of Ta-Da! the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. 

6.  The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse. 

7.  Whenever you pulled up the sound player, you'd hear a digitized
drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 

8.  Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be
"Achey Breaky Heart" 

9.  Powerpoint would hence forth be named "ParPawnt" 

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul
C++". 

11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the confederate flag. 

12. Instead of "VP', Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" 

13.   Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 

14. Four words:  Daisy Duke Screen Saver 

15. "Well, the first thing you know, ole Bill's a billionaire.." 

16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. 

17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (aka Bubba) Gates. 
================================================
[From Jim Taggart, via EcuLaugh]

The Lord is my modem; I shall not want higher bandwidth.

He maketh my wrist to lie down on a green wristpad;

He leadeth me by cool web-sites.

He restoreth my connection;

He leadeth me in the URL's of righteousness for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of hackers,

I will fear no flaming; for Thy firewall art with me;

Thy Java and ActiveX controls they comfort me.

Thou preparest an HTML-table before me 

In the presence of mine email messages.

Thou anointest my trackball with oil;

My cache runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;

And I shall dwell at the home page of the Lord forever.
================================================
[From Michael Harnois, via REHU]

HONESTY UNIVERSITY has *Vacancy*
Dean, College of Increasingly Fragmented Studies

Honesty University, a public, almost comprehensive institution of
hopefully higher education, seeks someone desperate enough to fill a
vacancy created by the gleeful departure of the previous dean for a
better-paying, less-stressful job.  Honesty University is located in
the State of Flux, and receives a pitifully small annual subsidy
from a state legislature which would rather spend tax dollars on
prisons, highways, and tax breaks (AKA, bribes) to large
corporations.  The University is comprised of six colleges:  the
College of Corporate Greed (our largest); the College of Incompetent
Instructional Training; the College of Science (our smallest); the
College of Small Appliance Repair, Plumbing, and Technical
Matriculation; the College of Computer Worship (our best endowed);
and the College of Increasingly Fragmented Studies (IFS).

The College of IFS is comprised of the following units:  the Center
for Interdisciplinary Studies; the Center for International Studies;
the Center for Diversity Studies; the Center for Interpersonal
Studies; the Center for Cultural Studies; the Center for
Intercultural Studies; the Institute of Political Correctness; the
Center for the Politically Incorrect; the Department of
Cross-Disciplinary Deconstruction; the Institute for the
Resource-Challenged; the Department of Idiosyncrasy; the Department
of Ideologic Eccentricity; and the Institute for Providing Jobs for
Faculty Who Got Tenure & Don't Like Their Disciplines Any More.  The
College also houses a small instructional laboratory staffed entirely
by adjuncts which provides classes in English Composition, Public
Speaking, Logic, Basic Mathematics, Reading, and Appreciation of the
Arts.  The Dean is the chief administrator of the College, and
supervises a small, overworked, poorly-paid staff.  The Dean reports
directly to the Provost, who wishes the College of IFS didn't exist.

RESPONSIBILITIES:  The Dean of IFS is responsible for the
administration of all the programs listed above, but is expected to
have no opinions whatsoever about their daily operations.  As chief
fiscal officer of the College, the Dean is expected to acquire
unprecedented funding from the central administration, and turn it
all over to the unit which yells the loudest or considers its
educational mission The Only One That Really Matters.  The Dean will
also be the College's chief fund-raiser, and is expected to enlarge
our endowment (presently valued at $7,438.27) by $14.75 million
within the next two years.  The Dean will also:  sit on 137
committees; handle all faculty, staff, and student grievances with
the wisdom of Solomon; approve, in writing, every trivial thing
anyone can think of; teach for free; approve, in writing, significant
departmental changes, major plans, and hair-brained schemes without
reading any of them; grant all leaves, promotions, and tenure awards
without question; maintain a significant program of scholarly
research worth $12.5 million in annual grants to Honesty U.

QUALIFICATIONS: 
--a terminal degree in one of the disciplines represented within the 
College, or equivalent professional credentials (e.g., blood 
relationship with a member of our Board of Regents or State 
Legislature) 
--a record of teaching, research, and service that would earn an 
endowed chair at Harvard 
--legal skills and knowledge that could get you admitted to most 
state bar associations 
--demonstrated ideologic purity and absolutely correct politics 
(although we will not tell you what these are) 
--an administrative track record that would qualify you as a CEO for 
any Fortune 500 corporation 
--the teaching and negotiating skills of Jesus of Nazareth 
--demonstrated ability to "please all of the people all of the time"

To apply, submit the following materials:
--a letter of application which demonstrates that you have lost every
last vestige of self-respect 
--five current letters of reference from people who will be utterly 
crushed to find out you wish to leave your present position 
--original transcripts from every school you ever attended (although, 
of course, these will be "filed" in the nearest wastebasket) 
--your resume (preferably, 50+ pages litho-printed on museum-quality 
parchment) 
--a "brief" autobiographical sketch, clearly demonstrating what an 
egotistical, ambitious, Machiavellian you are
--a book-length "vision plan" for the College of IFS, detailing how 
you will turn a second-rate collection of misfits and prima donnas 
into a world-class center of learning--on less money than it takes to 
operate your average car wash)

Application Deadline:  72 hours from the time you first read this.

NB--Honesty University is an EEE (Equal Everything Employer)
institution.  Do not apply if some factor of your identity is not
politically in fashion (this list subject to frequent, random
changes).
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for
speeding.  The officer stepped out his patrol car, pulled up his gun
holster, adjusted his mirror sunglasses, and swaggered up to the
young man's window.

"What chew driving so fast for boy?  You going to a fire?  Let me
see ya license boy."  The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the young man's car
was full of big knives.  The officer said, " Tell me boy, why you got
them knives on that there back seat?"   The young man replied, "Well
Sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spit some tobacco juice out the side
of his mouth and then he said, " A juggler; well you don't say.  Boy
put cha hands on the trunk of your car;  you going to jail."

The young man pleaded to the officer not to take him to jail.  The
young man offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by
way of a demonstration.  The young man said, "You can even hold me at
gun point while I juggle for you."  The officer reluctantly allowed
the young man to prove his point while he held him at gun point.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Jim Billy James drinking it
up with his favorite drinking buddy Homer T. Ratcliff.  Jim Billy
was heading out the door to go home to his wife.  He slumbered to his
rusty old 1976 Ford truck and crawled in.

Jim Billy was driving down highway 442, and trying his best to stay
on his side of the road.  Then all of a sudden Jim Billy saw the most
unbelievable sight of his life.  Jim Billy tried his best to keep
that pickup on the road.  Later down the road, Jim Billy stopped at
the first pay phone he saw.

He dialed the number to Joe!' Tavern and asked for Homer T.
Ratcliff. When Homer picked up the phone Jim Billy said, "Homer what
ever you do when you leave that there tavern, don't go north on
highway 442.  The state police is giving a sobriety test that can't
nobody pass." 
================================================
[from HAND!]

           IF....... (part 1)

  If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your
     program, wake him up.
  If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams
    to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a
    success unexpected in common hours.  - Henry David Thoreau
  If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless,
    it will be documented.
  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
 If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care
anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from
folks who didn't succeed either.

  If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
  If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
     the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by
     statistical methods.
  If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong
  lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what
is  going on.

  If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
  If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you
will break it.

  If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
  If it doesn't work, expand it.
  If it happens, it must be possible.
  If it is good, they will stop making it.
  If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
  If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
  If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
  If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
 If it works, don't fix it!
  If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one
will be at fault.

  If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
  If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until
     he submerges.
  If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something
     will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
================================================
[from HAND!]

           IF....... (part 2)

  If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
     unreasonable.
  If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be
  enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on
vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy
machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory'
would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be
very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near
zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen
exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times
out of 10 it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an
education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there
are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

  If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
  If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
  If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.  If
you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to
blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.  - Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you
are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand,
someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.
If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will
follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances
are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of
being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if
you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear
work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you
good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can
go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in
trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

ESPN had thousands of suggestions for the slogan of a 3rd fight
between Holyfield and Tyson. A blue ribbon committee selected what
they thought to be the best 10. And here they are:

10. The Third Gogh Around

9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer

8. The Last Supper

7. Ear-Reconcilable Differences  (my personal favorite)

6. Grazing Bull 

5. You Wanna Piece of Me? 

4. Blood, Sweat, and Ears 

3. No Lobe Lost

2. Bite of the Century

1. Because you're dumb enough to pay for it 

Bonus suggestion: "You taste sooooooo good!"
================================================
[from JokeADay, via Dickibus on REHU]

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the
door.  A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a
truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling:  "you sign,
you sign". 

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great
man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: 
"you sign, you sign".  Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day
he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that
the president sign for the goods.

Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do
you understand?  You have the wrong name".

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not
Nissan Maindealer?"
================================================
[from SUSPECTS via HAND!]

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's
not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to
stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer,
agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early
and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and
his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering
blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two
huge bears, a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him
and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore
into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch
with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!"
cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits
from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
took  his gun, careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer,"I said he was in the
other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the male?" 
================================================
[TWO sets of jokes here!  The first is forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

How do you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get your fingers between his neck and the rope.

Why should all lawyers be 6 Feet under?
Because deep down, they're nice guys.

Why is five lawyers in a buick going off a cliff a sad thing? A
buick holds six.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.

Why are research scientists now using lawyers instead of rats in
laboratory experiments?

1. There are more lawyers than rats.
2. The scientists were becoming too attached to the rats.
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe.

Q: What form of birth control do lawyers use?
A: Their personalities.

+-----------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
              Shoot the lawyer, twice.


What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
          A tick falls  off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
        To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
      Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
      There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
             A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
        One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? 
  They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure
  out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:  A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
      Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?  
	Skeet shooting.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are 
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
     The old drunk, of course; the  other three are mythical
creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a
      lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

The Top 10 Effects of the Baptists' Boycott of Disney

10. Children in deep south begin mass conversion to Judaism.

9. Athletes now heard saying, "I'm going to Disneyland, and then to
Hell!"

8. Disneyland courts atheists with new slogan: "The closest place to
heaven YOU'LL ever see." 

7. Hellfire and animation!

6. Reduced pressure to put pants on Donald Duck.

5. Neighborhood "working girls" can no longer count on generous tips
from visiting televangelists.

4. Crowds at DollyWood soar into the dozens.

3. Baptists now must visit Disney World in same disguise they wear
to the liquor store.

2. Chip & Dale land on the cover of "Out" magazine.

And, the Number 1 Effect of the Baptists' Boycott of Disney is...

1. Absolutely nothing! 
================================================
[I don't have Excel for Windows 95, so I can't confirm that this 
works.  From Ernie Dobkins, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

1.  Open Excel for Windows 95 with a blank worksheet 

2.  Scroll down to row 95

3.  Click on the number 95 to select the whole row. 

4.  Press Tab once to move to column B

5.  Select the Menu Help...About MicroSoft Excel

6.  Hold down Ctrl+Alt+Shift and click on the Tech Support button   
 
7.  A window labeled Hall of Tortured Souls appears 

8.  Directly ahead of you are stairs with a scrolling cast list -- go
up and take a look around - use cursor keys

9.  But there's more!  Turn around, go back down the stairs and type
"excelkfa" (no quotes)

10. The wall disappears, and there's a winding path to navigate to
see pictures.  Tread carefully! 
================================================
[from Martin Dufresne via HAND!]

          ~~~~~~~ Astrological Lightbulb Changers ~~~~~~~~~

What's your sign?  How many of you does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one
is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. 
Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical
Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out lightbulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy,
so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb? 
================================================
[from FunkEChicN via The Humour List]

Women's Guide to Driving Men Crazy

Do not say what you mean. Ever.

Be ambiguous. Always.

Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
decades ago...or with other boyfriends.

Make them apologize for everything.

Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books
as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.

Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know"... loud. Look at them.
Smile. Say...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Look them in the eye and start laughing.

Get mad at them for everything.

Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

Hold grudges.

Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't
comply.

When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face
value. 

Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick
trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.

Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.

Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.
Independence is a sign of weakness.

Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary
of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes.
Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they
are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

Correct their grammar.

Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or
little sister.

Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their
answer. 

Leave out the good parts in stories.

Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship
group. 

Make sure to cause trouble.

Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

Declare that you are not wacko.

Criticize the way they dress.

Criticize the music they listen to.

Criticize their hair.

Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they
don't know, you're not going to tell them.

Try to change them.

Try to mold them.

Try to get them to dance.

Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when
confronted.

When they screw up, never let them forget it.

Make them stay at religious services until they are close to
fainting...just because.

Blame everything on PMS.

Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half
inch.

Over-analyze everything.

Make it your goal to make them cry
================================================
[from FunkEChicN via The Humour List]

85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN

Don't call. EVER.

If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.

Lie.

Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "Spike"

Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.

Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt
will do. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what,
it isn't your fault.

Lie.

Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help...don't
ask. People will think you have no penis.

Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)

Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name with
urine. 

One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up
on her. 

Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

Lie.

Deny everything. Everything.

If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them...you're a man remember?) They really want to
know.

Don't have a clue.

If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

No means yes.

Yes means no.

If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You
may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.

If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. 

Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.

Feelings? What feelings?

Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.

Lie I tell you!!

DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up
with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Q:
"Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" A: "Yes, if you
can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual
meaning. Twist. 

At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a
replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).

Lie.

"Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her
again. Repeatcycle.

Lie.

Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.

If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
you.

It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

Lie.

Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.

Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.

If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired reaction.

You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

You are male, therefore you are superior.

Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you. Don't ever notice anything.

If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her. 

Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. Basic
fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 

Lie.

If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.

Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have
to cry about, anyway?

If the question begins with "Why", the answer is, "I don't know."

Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase
and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be
it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
your skills. 

Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. 

Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.

Lie.

If anyone asks you for a favor...make a big deal about how hard it
is for you to do it, and then...remind them of this huge favor you've
done for them at least every five minutes for the rest of their
life.

69

If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to
you, casually ask, "Is something wrong?"

Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if your mad at me, so
I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

Lie.

If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a
few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on
the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go
check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)

If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one
who wanted to end the relationship. 

The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on
top.

Default facial expression: Blank stare. 

Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of
your ass. 

If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first
try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead
and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know
how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little
part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the
most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you
I couldn't do it."  Eventually, people will stop asking you to do
things.

Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies. 

Beer. Then more beer.

One word: FOOTBALL!

Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

Discuss your pecs at every opportunity

LIE.
================================================
[From Aditya, via REHU]

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged
in.

That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy. 

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me!  Good
job!

That uniform makes your ass look really big. 

Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated? 

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
Police Officer.

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad Cop! No Donut! 

Your not gonna check the trunk, are you? 

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 

Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer
test, now stick this in your mouth and blow

Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy?

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend 's
nightstand.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the
camcorder.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. 

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work
at McDonalds?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking
to you.

So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Gee, officer!  That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

Aren't you the guy from the village people?

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes I know there is no other 
car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with
your gun when you were little?

Sorry I can't hear you over the radio.  No I am not turning it down,
I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.

What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, man, you want a hit?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? 
================================================
