7/6/97

{too good to wait!}

[from Starkey, via EcuLaugh]

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village near
the border between Greece and strife-torn (former) Yugoslavia, a lone
Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.  She is the
last caretaker of the site of significant historical events spanning
more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies,
the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox
Patriarch of Macedonia.  However, that is not likely to happen soon.
Sister Maria, age 53, enjoys excellent health.  By her own estimate
she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which
once served as a base camp of Attila the Hun.  In more ancient times
a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and
used it as a base for his marauding army.  The Huns are believed to
have first collected and then destroyed a large collection of Greek
legal writs at the site.  It is believed that Attila wanted to study
the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents
destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read
them, or because they provided evidence of  democratic government
that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful
tyrant.

When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.

Today, there is only the lone Sister watching over the old Hun
military base.  Amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia remains
this simple remnant of the past.  Thus, that is how it ends, with no
Huns, no writs, no Eros, and Nun left on base. 
================================================
[from GIGGLES@LISTSERV.VT.EDU via "A Joke A Day"]

Oops!

Some are just slips of the tongue

  -Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
  -Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
  -Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  -House passes gas tax onto senate
  -Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
  -Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
  -Milk drinkers are turning to powder
  -Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  -Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
  -Farmer bill dies in house
  -Iraqi head seeks arms

Grammar often botches other headlines

  -Eye drops off shelf
  -Squad helps dog bite victim
  -Dealers will hear car talk at noon
  -Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
  -Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
  -Miners refuse to work after death
  -Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
  -Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter


Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from
the one intended:

  -Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
  -Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
  -Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

  -If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
  -War dims hope for peace
  -Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
  -Cold wave linked to temperatures
  -Child's death ruins couple's holiday
  -Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
  -Man is fatally slain
  -Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  -Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
================================================
[from HAND!]

How To Tell If You Might Be A "High-Tech" Redneck

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and
Wesson"

If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone.

If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you
still don't miss her

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal

If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all" 
================================================
[All of these are from REHU, the first set is from Ron Veenker]
 
 Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
 A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
 A. Shoot one.
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
 A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
 A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
 A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of
the ducks. 
 ------------------------------------------------------
 Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
 A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian 
bagpipes?
 A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
 ----------------------------------------------------
 Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
 A. Gifted.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
 A. You can tune the lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors are upset 
if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Q.  If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for 
directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, 
or Santa Claus?
 A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have 
been hallucinating. 
-------------------------------------------------------
 Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
 A. Add vibrato. 
-------------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
 A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. 
-------------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead 
bagpiper in the road?
 A. Skid marks in front of the snake. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q.  What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a 
dead country singer in the road?
 A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording 
session. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
 A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. 
----------------------------------------------------
 Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
 A. A bagpiper. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q.  What did the bagpiper get on his IQ test?
 A. Drool. 
-----------------------------------------------------
 Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
 A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
 A. Someone is blowing into it. 
-----------------------------------------------------
 Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
 A. Both are offensive and inaccurate. 
-----------------------------------------------------
 Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
 A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- 
it would be a good idea. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
 A. A start. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 Q.  Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
 A. To get away from the sound. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
 Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" 
 Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q.  Why do they call it a "kilt"? 
 A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q.  What's one thing you never hear people say?
 A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. 
------------------------------------------------------
 Q.  What's the definition of "optimism"
 A. A bagpiper with a beeper.

+----------------------------------+
[from Paul Littlefield on REHU]

Did y'all hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the
windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back
seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realized it, but it was too
late--someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car! 

+-----------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth on REHU]

Q:  Why did God give bagpipers a *little* more brains than horses? 
A:  So they don't embarass themselves in a parade.
================================================
[from MariBeth Cline, via "The Humour List"]

Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

1. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use.  After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and  out and think about
several things.  This is particularly important during  very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be
avoided at all costs.

2. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug.  If there is
no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make
sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

3. Bathrooms:  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything -----just sit there and stare.

4. Hampering:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".   Following are
the rules for "hampering"

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at  least
the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often ,
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may
try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to "hamper"
work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammock in spite
of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
tax or christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the
aim.......to "hamper". First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the
best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e)  When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

5. Walking:  As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up
in the morning.  This will help their coordination skills.

6. Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
around.

7. Play:  This is an important part of your life.  Get enough sleep
in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.  Below are
listed several favorite cat games that you can play.  It is
important, though to maintain one's dignity at all times.  If you
should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair,
immediately, wash a part  of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do
that!".  It fools those humans every time.

Favorite Cat Games

"Catch Mouse"; the humans would have you believe that those lumps
under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying.  They are
actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice
in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one.  Rumor
also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long
enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be
the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

"King of The Hill":  This game must be played with at least one other
cat. The more, the merrier!  One or both of the sleeping humans is
Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual
tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING" Playing either one of these games to excess will result in
expulsion from the bed and possibly from the  bedroom. Should the
humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddling up to
them.  This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. 
If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the
round of King of the Hill.

Favorite Cat Toys:  Any small item is a potential toy. If a human
tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy.  Run with
it under the bed.  Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you
and takes it away.  Always watch where it is put so you can steal it
later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and
wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

-Bright shiny things like keys, broaches, or coins should be hidden
so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them.  They are
generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

-Dangly and /or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold
chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys.  They are
favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to
pounce on.  When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug,
it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all
costs.  Take care, though.   Humans are sneaky and will try to make
you lose your dignity.  When your humans have  aparty always look
for the person who is alergic or get to it, a good sit in the lap is
also effective, make one last desparate attempt to convert.!!
================================================
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming
at the top of his lungs,  "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the
man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he
is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to
try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as
humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it." 

Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops
and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly. 

The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher.
Yell louder." So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and
speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am
getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" The man
jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. 

The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the
manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the
manhole. The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began
jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"

+---------------------------------+

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook
it, and said, "I bet I know what it is ... some flowers." "How did
you know?" asked the young fella. "Just a guess," she smiled. 

The candy store owner's daughter gave her a gift. The teacher shook
it. "I can guess ... a box of candy." "Yes!" said the little girl.
"How did you know?" "Just a lucky guess," winked the teacher. 

The liquor store owner's son approached with a large gift. When the
teacher shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her
finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it wine?" The boy shook his
head no. She tasted again. "Champagne?" No, said the boy. "I give
up," said the teacher. "What is it?" Replied the boy: "A puppy!"

+-----------------------------------+ 
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof: No cat has eight tails. 
       A cat has one tail more than no cat.
       Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 
================================================
[forwarded by Swedie, on REHU]

"Several years ago I read a delightful article called "Clergy Birds"
that exemplifies what I mean about being able to laugh at yourself. 
Part of it reads as follows:          

Last year devoted groups of lovers of "clergy birds" banded 
themselves together to form the National Association for Clergy Bird 
Classification and Preservation - the N.A.C.C.P.     

Equally important to  the work of the new society is the
classification of clergy birds.   Some  of the rarest and most
unusual birds in America are to be found among this species.   To
date, the following have been observed:  the two-year church 
switcher; the limp-limbed handgripper; the ivory-tufted hale fellow;
the  double-chinned diet dodger; the Scot mimic-brogue; the
smooth-talking say  nothing; the Fosdick sermon swiper; the
broad-smiling compromiser; the  velvet-robed pomp; the quick-nodding
note watcher; the wide-eyed member  counter; the yellow-bellied
knuckle-under; the preying member snitcher; the  strong-minded
people pusher; the swift-adding money minder; the rosy  do-gooder;
the broad-tailed office percher; the white-collared book  bragger;
the long-faced killjoy; the full-breasted bull shooter; the
chicken-livered issue dodger; the purple-throated pulpit pounder;
the scarlet-crested riot reader; and the speckled deacon sniper.     

The article continued and told about clergy bird nesting habits,
migratory habits and the best time to observe them in their best
plumage -  Sundays, of course." 
================================================
[via "A Joke A Day"]

Big Al
Big Al's Budget Driver Training School

Dear Big Al:

Recently you finished a six week training course with my 15 year old
daughter, the result of which is that she now has a "learner's
permit."  This means by state law she can legally drive an
automobile with me sitting next to her, though my cardiologist has
strongly warned against it.

The grade she received was an "A", so I am going to assume that she
learned some of her more innovative driving techniques from you.  I
would therefore be most interested why you taught my "A" student
driver the following:

Dangerous Situations

Dangerous situations, such as a horse trailer parked sideways across
the country road in front of you, are best handled by applying
pressure to the following (in order:)  1.  The radio control button. 
2. The horn. If, despite the fact that you have changed radio
stations and honked the horn, the horse trailer has not moved out of
your way, your choice is to (a) press on the accelerator and aim for
the space between the front of the horse trailer and the guardrail, a
distance which can not possibly allow more than 4 millimeters
clearance on either side, or (b) wait until the last possible moment
and hit the brakes, painting deep black marks on the pavement.  When
your passenger, who happens to be your father,  complains that he
does not appreciate being so near death that he could hear long dead
relatives urging him to "move into the light," point out very
reasonably that he was never in any real danger because the vehicle
has dual air bags.

The Radio

Each time a song you enjoy comes on the radio, squeal "this is my
favorite" and turn up the volume.  Never under any circumstances
turn the sound back down when the song is over, until incrementally
you have advanced to the very limits of the capacity of the car's
speakers to vibrate everything inside the vehicle.  At this point,
you will not be able to hear your father's terrified screaming
anymore, so now you can relax and drive the way you want.

Other Important Accessories

1.  Aside from the radio, the next most important accessory in the
automobile is the rear view mirror, which should be checked every
few minutes to make sure your makeup is in good condition.  The best
time to do this is when you are merging traffic, because there might
be someone you know in the car you are running off the road, and you
want to look your best.  

2.  The horn is also important, because as you honk it and wave at
the group of boys at the corner it will alert other drivers to the
fact that, as far as you are concerned, whatever happens to traffic
over the course of the next few seconds is out of your hands.  Your
father may lunge for the controls and do his irritating over-reacting
bit again; but you'll be twisted so far around in your seat to hold
the boys in your gaze you won't be affected by his antics.  

3.  The ash tray is a good repository for used chewing gum, though
your father will go berserk when he sees the size of the rock-hard
mass you've accumulated there.  Like, would he rather you be
smoking? Besides, when the ash tray fills with gum it's time to get
a new car.

Stoplights

While it is not always necessary to run down pedestrians, you should
take whatever means at your disposal to avoid stopping for a red
light. Normally, this means accelerating aggressively when
approaching a stoplight, particularly if the light has been yellow for
more than a few moments.

Shouting a joyful "hold on" to your father as you mash the
accelerator is not really necessary, because his fingers are sunk so
far in the dashboard he is practically inside the glove compartment. 
If you DO find yourself halted at a red light, busy yourself with the
radio, searching for the song you've already heard three times in the
past ten minutes.  Don't worry, the cars behind you will honk in a
friendly manner once the light has changed to green, though to be
fair you should give everyone a chance to toot their horns before you
right yourself and sail past the (now yellow) stoplight.

And remember, whatever is the speed limit, you should be moving that
fast just as soon as is mechanically possible, even if your father
complains of blacking out from the G-forces.

Final Thoughts

Having a parent sitting next to you while you drive can be most
distracting, so be prepared to shut him up with the following
responses to his unwarranted exclamations:

Dad:  Slow down!  You're taking this turn on two wheels!
You:  Don't be silly, this car has four wheel drive.

Dad:  Look out for that truck!
You:  What truck?
Dad:  You have to stop, he has right of way.  Stop!  He has right of
      way!  STOP!  Look out!  Didn't you see that guy?  He had right 
      of way!

You:  I know that!
Dad:  Look out for that car!
You:  What car?

So, Big Al, while there are other items I may have overlooked (mainly
because I have my eyes shut much of the time while she is driving)
these are the main ones I'd like to know about.  I'll look forward
to hearing from you.

Yours, 

W. Bruce Cameron

Posted from: [The Cameron Column]
A Free Internet Newsletter 
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
Are you a subscriber to the Cameron Column?  Subscribing is as easy as
sending a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe
cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.
================================================
[From darkking, via "The Humour List".  In Response to Insanity in 
the Workplace.]

INSANITY IN THE HOME.  Not Necessarily healthy. (Could also apply to 
dorms)

Walk thru the house calling out your name, like your trying to find
yourself.

Call out one of your family members names, and when they answer say
"Oh never mind".  Do this several times in a row.

Bring toothpaste to the dinner table and brush your teeth, then
don't spit the toothpaste but swallow.  Proceed to mouth wash, gargle
and spit into your drinking cup.  This is best done when your parents
have guests.

Insist on standing at the dinner table when you eat.

Mix all your dinner into one big mess and then proceed to eat it
rapidly.

Insist on eating breakfast at the dinner table.

Keep getting up and turning the TV louder and louder.  When asked
complan that you can't hear it.

Keep getting up and changing the channel.  Insist that the program
your watching keeps changing stations.

Watch TV with the volume completely off, laugh occasionally,
especially at points when shouldn't and even at commercials.

Watch only the commercials on TV, when a real program comes on
change the channels until find another commercial.

Insist that the water cooler (as opposed to the water heater) is not
working right becuase you're not getting cold enough water.

Occasionally take a shower fully clothed, get out of the shower wrap
a towel around you and then proceed to your room.  Hopefully someone
will notice you if not, talk a walk around the house in the same
condition. Then hang your wet clothes on the shower door/rod.

Walk around your house counting your footsteps, but don't
necessarily count right (i.e. 1,5,A,G,Moon,Red,Fast,Black,Left and
the such)

Walk around your house stomping your feet.

Walk around your house with your shoes on your hands.

Keep insisting the phone is ringing.  Even answer it sometimes. 
Even hand the phone to a family member and tell them it is for them. 
When they hang up tell them that is rude to hang up on people and
insist that they call that person back.

Eat cereal with a fork and knife.  Feel free to cut your cheerios.

(Like the workplace) Switch to decaf, then to expresso.

Make coffee with distilled water.

Add Orange Juice to your coffee rather than milk.

If your family is using 2% Milk buy a bottle of nonfat and pour it
into the milk bottle. Do the opposite if your family is using
nonfat.

Put salt in the sugar container, and sugar in the salt container.

Keep asking "Did you hear that?", "Did you feel that?" over and over.

Insist on shutting off all the lights in the evening and walk around
shining  a flashlight everywhere.

Slam doors whenever you came.  If unsatisfied with the first slam,
slam the door until satisfied.

Wear your clothes backwards.  Sometimes even walk backwards.

Read the junk mail and seem really interested, you could have sworn
you have seen that person somewhere.

Try to synchronize all the clocks in the house, to the exact second.
This may take several hours.

Tell one family member that another one is looking for them.

Try flushing the toilet 2000 times, to see if the "2000 flushes
blue" really lasts that long.

Insist on talking in a very high voice, like you were inhaling
helium.

Scream and then cry at the TV when the coyote gets hit with the
anvil.

Scream loudly and then say  "tension breaker"
================================================
[from Cylyn5, via "A Joke A Day" and "ChristianSingles"]

by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker

Helpful Camping Tips

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them
over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A
hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between
your toes.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an
unlisted number.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
Steer clear of those named for landfills.

Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his
sleeping bag.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss
Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade
functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to
stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch,
however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the
wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove
lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing
into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should
never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan
veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on. 

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by
running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine
a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do
not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side
dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent
hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by
shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband
of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes
excellent kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be
warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly
country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos
of politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate. 
================================================
[from Steven C. Sanderson, via HAND!]

    THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO DECIPHERING APARTMENT ADS


What They Say           What It Means
=============           =============
spacious                hole in the wall to anyone living in their car
                        that's why we're charging $200 above the going
                        rate

easy access to          Particularly in Mountain View and Sunnyvale,
  transportation        this can mean:
                        (a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
                        (b) next to the railroad tracks
                        (c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
                        (d) a&b, b&c, a&c above
                        (e) all of the above

friendly staff          Doberman pincher mentality

free utilities          That's the only way we can entice people in
                        this dump.  Would you pay THIS rent AND the 
                        water & garbage?

heated pool             only when the sun's out and only when there's
                        water in it

great views             reach out and touch your neighbor!
                        overlooking the garbage dumpster
                        overlooking the pool
                        overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment

affordable to:          (a) anyone with an income of $100 K
                        (b) anyone with wealthy parents
                        (c) anyone who is wealthy
                        (d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing

pets welcome            kids aren't we just never got the odor out

AEK                     All Electricity Kancelled. EEk!

W/D                     Will be Disgusted
                        Worried/Depressed people

AC                      Atrocious Carpeting

WWC                     Wall to Wall Crap

great rent bargains!    located in East Palo Alto
                        (Your insurance will not cover bullet holes in
                        car, self-protection devices,frequent theft
                        &/or life insurance)

light and airy          built as cheap as we could, cold and drafty

covered parking         the manager's apartment overlooks the parking
                        lot

secure parking          "No one's been robbed on the street."

move in bonus!          no one else wants it
                        it hasn't been rented in six months
                        includes last tenant's stuffed parrot

rustic                  classic 60's decor
                        nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta

earthquake              outhouse is in the back
                        only one heating vent
================================================
[from Fiona MARSDEN, via "Just Too Funny!"]

>From San Francisco Chronicle, Sunday, November 24, 1996, page 10.

My 6-year-old son and his friend have just left the dining room,
where I am writing.  The boys were wearing black sweat pants and
black turtlenecks they had pulled from Ryan's dresser.  They cinched
the pants at the waist with belts, through which they had slipped
wooden swords.  Then they crept up on me.  When I looked up from my
computer, they ran squealing from the room.

This stunt was repeated about 10 times in eight minutes.  The
repetition did nothing to diminish the hilarity for the two boys (or
increase it for me). The pirate-spy routine had been preceded by
attempts to pogo in the family room, roller blade in the kitchen,
dribble a basketball down the stairs, burp the letters in their names
(my son has shown genius in this area) and play catch in the
stairwell.

I took away the pogo stick, put the roller blades outside, stored
the basketball in a closet, told the boys I'd heard enough burping
for one day and guided the game of catch to the driveway.  Still
ahead: the friend's anguished departure, subtraction homework,
spelling flashcards, dinner, dishes, books and a pokey meander into
bed. During this time I had to finish my column.

Two nights earlier I had dinner with a friend who was in town on
business from Los Angeles.  I drove into the city early so we could
catch up, and we ended up walking through the shops around Union
Square.  She has a 3-year-old boy and a baby due in three months. 
At the Banana Republic, she ran her hands over a soft throw blanket.

"Oh, isn't this wonderful?" she asked.  Then she found a comforter.
"Look at this," she said.  At Saks, she found a flannel nightshirt.
"Feel this," she said.  I looked at her.  "Do you realize everything
you've looked at has to do with sleep?"  Once upon a time her
shopping tastes ran to spike heels and miniskirts.  She laughed. 
"When I get up in the morning," she said, "all I think about is how
many hours until I can get back in."

The next night I sat in a darkened room at a Zen retreat not far
from my house.  The room was packed with people who had come to
meditate then listen to a lecture on spirituality.  The teacher
mentioned how he had traveled to Asia as a young man to learn the
ways of the monks. He sat in a snowy forest for days with little
food, drink or sleep. He sat like a yogi on the bank of the Ganges
River for 20 hours at a stretch though his legs burned with pain and
his eyes longed for rest. He explained that the effort of his mind to
overcome the deprivation and distractions took him to higher states
of clarity and vision and taught him patience.

I was thinking about this, and about my L.A. friend, as my son and
his pal staged a sword fight in the hallway.  The connections of the
last few days began to fall into place.  I thought about the repeated
reminders and admonishments we parents deliver through the day, the
noise, the lack of sleep, the long waits for our child to get
dressed, clean his room or get out of the car.

("C'mon, we're going into the store now.  Put down the soccer ball.
No, we can't take the dog.  What are you doing?  That cookie's
probably been under the seat for a month.  C'mon.  Now.  I mean it. 
Don't worry about the cookie.  We'll throw it out in the store.
*Let's go.*"  The only things children do quickly are go to the
bathroom, eat dessert, open gifts and climb fences separating
playgrounds from deadly freeways.)

Suddenly it clicked.  I understood why monks must sit in snow and on
the banks of the Ganges.  They don't have children!

It occurred to me that, in my search for self-improvement and
spirituality, I had everything I needed in my own home.  Every
parent does.  There are the long painful nights we sit without moving
because one twitch might wake the (potentially) very loud baby in our
arms. There is the excruciating mind and muscle control to stifle a
smile when our child earnestly tells us he didn't pick up his toys
because he got hit with a ball at school and suffered brain damage.

There are the tests of concentration when you're talking to a client
on the phone and your child appears in the doorway in nothing but
boots and a gun belt and acts out the final scene from "High Noon."

There are the years on end of getting to sleep after midnight
because only when the kids are asleep and the phone isn't ringing can
you get your chores finished, then you're up at 6 to make lunches and
get breakfast and shutttle them to school before you go, bleary-eyed,
to work.

Religious students travel the globe to find tests of will, patience,
deprivation and selflessness.  Parents live them every day.  Anyone
looking for a mysterious, contradictory and fulfilling religion
couldn't do much better than child-rearing.  All the components are
there: rituals, generosity, penance, guilt and desperate prayer, all
punctuated by moments of transcendent clarity and unmatched joy.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but I'm wondering if we can get
tax-exempt status. :) 
================================================
[from George]

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear
hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he
and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the
trail, and began tumbling down the mountain-with the bear in hot
pursuit.

Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying
in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in,
the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have
done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a
Christian."

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to
its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food
which I am about to eat." 

*******************

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what
your  motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarassed
about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.  Will you
do it?"

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I
don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick,
and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an
operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a
simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So
while I was operating I also noticed that you had  never been
circumsized, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really 
better for a man to be circumsized, and I hope you don't mind my ..."

"CIRCUMSIZED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!" 
================================================
[From Aditya, via REHU]

A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her
social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on
his workstation:

pearly-gates:~/peter grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status

The computer responded:

212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty

pearly-gates:~/peter

Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a
minivan to hell would be arriving shortly.

Cindy began to protest, "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow
neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person!
Surely there must be a mistake!"

So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold, that
she truly was a kind, warm, gentle person ... until he saw the entry
for Jan 7, 1992-Earth, which read:

**DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69***
Posted irrelevant article to newsgroup.

After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman, "It
seems that on January 7, 1992, you posted an article to
alt.religion.computers.

"This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward
Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of
'hacker'! In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at
all, and discussed, of all things, human religion! There wasn't even
a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming.

"Oh dear, this is terrible. You see, heaven is a perfect  place, and
we only have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the
T-3 line up from New Jersey, we've been particularly harsh on
breakers of netiquette. 

Didn't you read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through
15?"

He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a
few moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It
read:

11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammar.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages
       to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not repost a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading
       a week's worth of posts, thereby avoiding irrelevant articles.

When she was done reading, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter
stopped her, saying "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To
register a complaint, you'll have to send mail to
status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of cherubim
who manage such requests. But don't send it to
status-change@godvax.heaven.com, or your request will be distributed
to the whole mailing list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some
discussion about making that the 16th commandment..."

At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan,
in the form of a Microsoft salesman, stepped out. "Welcome!" he said.
"We've been waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped
into the minivan and was whisked away to the netherworld, a world of
COBOL, System36s, punch cards, incompatible network standards, and
irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled.
"You'll like it here", he said, "We have netnews, but we've greatly
simplified it. We have only one group,it's
alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!" 
================================================
[from Chuck Eklund, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Posted with permission of the author
copyright 1996 Donald E. Lindman


Have you ever noticed that "dog" is "God" spelled backward?  And
those of us who have canine companions understand why...a dog in
many ways is a reflection of the attributes of God, particularly the
attributes of forgiveness, patience, and grace.  I'm particularly
struck by the fact that when I come home beaten by life and by
parishioners, with my family mad at me and me not even feeling very
good about myself, the dog is there to greet me, tail wagging, a
smile on his face, saying with all his body language that "even if
the rest of the world thinks you're junk, I think you're great!"
That's grace!  

Which leads my meandering mind to a story:

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on
the outskirts of town.  He had no family and only a few meager
possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his
dog.  He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually
would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his
master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would
bring in.

The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs
like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it.  When the old man
was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the
house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed
in to town to work.  He had a plumbing repair job in one of the
homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably
pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the
money carefully.  He headed for town with a spring in his step and a
whistle on his lips.

Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag
for his wrench.  To his surprise he didn't feel it.  He dug around
again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench.  He looked in the
bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. 
Reality set in.  Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and
without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone
tomorrow.  

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who
hired him what the situation was.  While she sympathized with his
situation, the job needed to be done.  If the old man couldn't do it,
she would have to hired someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and
shoulders stooped.  The whistle was gone and no longer was there a
spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to
last forever.  But finally the old shack came into view, and there was
Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.

When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling
the old man how glad he was to see him.  Kneeling beside the hound,
the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog
that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow.
What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what
the future held.  It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had
ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass.  As the
old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his
despair turned in an instant to joy!  It was the wrench!  The old
man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have
been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the
house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated
him, and ran into the house.  Reaching for a stub of pencil and the
only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine
companion.

Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is.  One
man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name
recorded in music history.  The old man never did get the credit he
deserved.  But now you on rehu are privileged to read the beginning
line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet
the hound that saved a wrench for me."
================================================
Not a joke.  Here are some websites that people have sent me, 
claiming to be chock-full of "RJ" type humor.  I thought I'd let YOU 
guys send me the cream of the crop to pass around!

Ivan sent:
	http://www.myboss.com

	http://home1.pacific.net.sg/~shafir/mommy.htm (a little nasty on occasion)

	http://www.star.net/people/~masterds/funny/police.htm

Leonard sent:
	http://www.humour-list.com/humring.html 
[which is a linked ring of humor websites]

And here are some that I *have* at least checked out, if not mined 
thoroughly:

http://www.ecunet.org/ecunet/eculaugh/laugh
http://www.servtech.com/public/wkimler/humor/humor.html
http://www.gospelcom.net/rev-fun/rf.shtml
http://guide-p.infoseek.com/Arts_and_Entertainment/Humor_and_fun
http://members.aol.com/Grayjackl/index.html
http://www.intermarket.net/laughweb
http://www.infidels.org/library/humor/
http://members.aol.com/spoons1000/break/index.html
http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/
http://bertha.chattanooga.net/comedy/funsites.htm
http://pilot.msu.edu/~thelenri/laughs/laugh.htm
http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/
http://sobek.colorado.edu/~brumbaug/CHURCH/RES/MISC/humor.html
http://www.dmmw.com/graceland/humor.html
http://www.csv.warwick.ac.uk/~suabk/jokes/long.html
http://www.northpark.edu/~aolson/door/digital/internet.html
http://www.aone.com/~sfrantz/rumc_humor.html
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373
http://www.cs.swarthmore.edu/~binde/religion/humor
http://emporium.turnpike.net/Z/zen/SCA/Auntie.html
http://www.bandersnatch.com/idiot.htm
http://www.wctc.net/~jcgibson/humor.htm
http://www.spacelab.net/~bongo/rules.html
http://members.aol.com/AJokeADay7/home.html
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
http://www.pixelation.com/swaniee/humor.shtml#1
http://www.ecnet.net/users/ugsingle/rweb.htm

================================================
[found at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/9159/funnies3.html]

You know you've bought a BAD computer when...

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's
car.

4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start
howling.

7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

10 You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your
fabulous paperweight collection. 
================================================
[found at
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/9159/funnies12.html]

1. Windows95 - Plug and pray...

2. Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS.

3. Windows - a solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD.

4. Windows - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

5. Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files!

6. If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual?

7. "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"

8. The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches.
It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an
hourglass...")

9. Windows=Waste in DOS WorkSpace.

10. Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows.

11. Alt-F4. Just do it.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows! 

13. Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine.

14. Does someone know the cheats for Windows95?

15. This is an airconditioned room - Do not open Windows!

16. This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x 

17. OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it?"

18. Favorite Windows' game: "Guess what this icon does?"

19. Windows95 - crash compatible on Windows 3.x 

20. Windows NT - Nice Try.

21. Windows - a virus with mouse support.

22. Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done.

23. Windows vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson.

24. The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it
displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.

25. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is
the answer!

26. McAfee-Question: Is Windows a virus?

	No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

	1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 

	2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 

	3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too. 

	4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 

	5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow, (see #2.) And the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's
with Windows, too. 

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences:

	A.) Viruses are well supported by their authors... 

	B.) Are running on most systems... 

	C.) Their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend
to become more sophisticated as they mature. 

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

27. Last words of a Windows user: 
	A. Why does that work now? 
	B. Where do I have to click now? - There? 
	C. Message box: "Data not completely delete? Yes - No" 
		--- User: "No - ey - Yes"

28. Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house.

29. How do Microsoft employees exchange a bulb? Not at all...
They/Bill Gates declare(s) darkness as a standard.

30. Some windows were made to be broken.

31. Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:

32. Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS!"

33. Bugs come in through open Windows.

34. Windows '96 will also have artificial intelligence, e.g.: 

	Unable to FORMAT A: Having a go at C: 

	Can't Compress Hard Drive but don't worry I'll delete all files over
size 50,000 that'll give you some space.

35. How do you make Windows faster? --- Throw it harder! 

***** ERROR MESSAGES *****

36. DOS Error #01: Windows loading, come back tomorrow.

37. DOS Error #02: Windows loaded. System in danger.

38. DOS Error #03: Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

39. DOS Error #04: Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell
yes!

40. Windows Error #01: No error......yet.

41. Windows Error #02: Multitasking attempted. System confused.

42. Windows Error #03: Unexplaind error.

43. Windows Error #04: Reserved for future mistakes.

44. Windows Error #05: Nonexisent error. This cannot really be
happening.

45. Windows Error #06: Unable to exit windows. Try the door.

46. Windows Error #07: Door locked. Try control-alt-delete.

47. Windows Error #08: Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think
of.

48. Windows Error #09: Mouse not found. Press mouse button to
continue.

49. Windows Error #10: Game Over. Exiting Windows.

50. Win95 Error #01: Insufficient money spent in hardware.

51. Error: [Microsoft] [ODBC Microsoft Access 7.0 Driver] Error
reservado; no hay mensaje para este error. It says: Reserved error;
There is no message for this error.

52. Windows95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)

53. Windows95: New look, same multicrashing.

54. Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes
loading.

55. Windows95 - Every function is a restart function...

56. Windows95 does really have preemptive Multitasking: It can boot
and crash at the same time.

57. Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to
empty.

58. Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so...

59. Windows - Just another pain in the glass.

60. Windows - The Gates of hell.

61. Windows - From the people who brought you EDLIN!

62. If Windows sucked it would be good for something...

63. DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell.

64. Windows Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

65. Windows found - remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K.

66. Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time!

67. If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse!

68. Microsoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware".

69. Have you crashed your Windows today?

70. Relax... you are entering a windows free zone...

71. OS/2... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

72. New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs.

73. New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++

74. My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows.

75. If Windows 95 doesn't start shipping soon, it might be Curtains
95.

76. Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile!

77. I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...

78. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.

79. I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows.

80. Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows...

81. Exhibitionists love Windows.

82. Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven!

83. Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...

84. Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!

85. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

86. Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.

87. Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows.

88. Time on your hands? Get Windows!

89. Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95.

90. What's the best of Windows95? The deinstaller!

91. Why is the Pentium 166 so fast? - It's for booting faster, if
Windows crashed again.

92. What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? - One
is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric
information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven
Spielberg movie.

93. How many Windows PC owners does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, as long as you explain it's Plug'n'Play... they get
confused if it doesn't come with a driver disk...

94. Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house.

95. Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!

96. Mouse not present - click twice to continue...

97. Who the heck is General Failure? And why is he reading my
harddisk?

98. What's the difference between Windows '95 and highly destructive
unstoppable virus? About 90 Megs of hard disk space.

99. Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows.

100. I got two Windows hardware emulators! Really! They work much
more reliable than the original: one for Windows 3.11, one for
Windows95. Unfortunately they have superscriped the emulator keys
wrongly, so that on the Windows 3.11 emulator key "TURBO" and on the
Windows 95 emulator is written "RESET"... But doesn't matter, works
great.

101. Windows, it's not pretty, it's not ugly, but it's pretty ugly

102. In Independence day when pilot uploads the virus to the aliens
main computer, the Pilot's Father asks that if he created the virus
all by himself, the pilot answers:

"No, Microsoft did it. It's called Windows 95. When I installed it to
the aliens main computer, the chaos was born instantly!"

103. And last, but not least, a pictures about the real solution. ;-)

================================================
[found at http://www.masterm.com/humor.html]

                          College vs Real Life

Computer Science:
------------------
College -- Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing XTrek
and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via
the 'net if you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in
the continuing IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate. 

Real Life -- Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing
Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an
hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via
e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over
who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you
told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. 

Psychology
----------
College -- Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing with
rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all
night with the rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to
analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the
continuing debate over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp
sci major. 

Real Life -- Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and
living in a cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed
to CS instead of the rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to
social work majors. 

Economics
-------------
College -- Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room full of
charts and graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and
demand, prime rates, supply and demand, inflation, and supply and
demand. 

Real Life -- Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government
office with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote
in college because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch
newscaster explain your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to
President explain that the economy sucks because of unemployed
psychologists. 

Philosophy
-------------
College -- Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling
alone in a forest will say, "Oh, sh*t! Not again!" Consider the
ethical problems in the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed
by prof for not liking correct dead guy. 

Real Life -- Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing
Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an
hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via
e-mail. Become assionately involved in the continuing debate over
who pays when the schedule slips, hich wasn't your fault because you
told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be
thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays better than being a
dead philosopher. 

Math
-------
College -- Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about
polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other
mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work.
Be a social outcast. 

Real Life -- See above. You work for the university. 
================================================
[found at
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/9159/funnies19.html]

Toddler Help Line

A phone rings...

Operator: Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline. How may I help you?

Parent: Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit. I have reason to
believe that it is malfunctioning.

Operator: Could you please state the nature of the problem?

Parent: State the nature of the problem? You asked for it. My toddler
is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!

Operator: Okay sir, please calm down, you don't need to shout. Now,
I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist you fully.
Number one, do have the boy or the girl unit?

Parent: A boy unit, why?

Operator: Okay, I see. Number two, is your boy toddler unit just TIED
to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling with the wiring? Oh
yes, and one other minor detail, is the ceiling fan turned ON?

Parent: No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned
on. He is tied to the stupid fan! Why does any of that matter? He is
TIED TO A CEILING FAN. Neither my wife nor I put him there, and he is
an ONLY UNIT. The dog lacks the know-how to put him there, so
obviously the unit is malfunctioning!

Operator: Listen sir, I am really sorry. But if you have a boy
toddler unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there
is absolutely nothing wrong with your unit. It's functioning up to
specs! Aren't these boy models clever?

Parent: Now YOU listen to me lady! I spent a lot of money on this
model, and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone
in technical support!

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our entire technical support staff is on
an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the Marquis de
Sade.

Parent: Sheesh. If you can't help me, then I want to order an
instruction manual!

Operator: Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to
order a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too
difficult for you to comprehend with!

Parent: Ahhh! Then just tell me where the stinkin off switch is! You
can do that, can't you?

Operator: Sorry, sir. No can do! Only product development knows where
that is, and they're not telling!

Parent: Okay Smart-Alek, I want a REFUND, PRONTO!

Operator: I am truly sorry sir, but all units are custom-made and
totally NON-REFUNDABLE!

Parent: Hmm. Can I at least exchange it for another model?

Operator: No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are
just as much trouble. They are more expensive to maintain. And the
whining, well, let's just say you got off easy with the boy model.
You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire, but I am afraid your
boy model is a keeper!

Parent: Great, just GREAT. NOW what am I supposed to do?

Operator: Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were
YOU, I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call the
doctor and make an appointment, for YOU! You sound stressed, stress
can kill!

Parent: Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to
me first! Geez Lady, thanks for NOTHING!!

Operator: Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent
budget cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is
required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call. Have a nice
day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.

The scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching
his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WEEEEEEEEE! as the
fan slowly turns around and around and around.... 
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of Gay,
got on a plane using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.
However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being
occupied by a paying passenger.  So, not to make a fuss, he simply
chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced
mechanical problems.  The passengers of this other flight were being
rerouted to various airplanes.  A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight
and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped."

Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket
holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders.  Of
course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may
remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was
supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?".
The man shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then
you will have to get off the plane".

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to
clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man.  I'm Gay!"  This
caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too!  They
can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more an more passengers
began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their
flights. 
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss,
"Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe
him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but 
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then 
Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.
"Tom  Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!"
but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we 
were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. 
Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes 
"Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 
minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well 
that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba 
says "OK, pick somebody else!" 

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do!
Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss
says "No you weren't!" and  Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to
Washington and they catch up with the President at a press
conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's
close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the
President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and
catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't
believe it.  But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one
country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so
he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world
spectrum and I know them!"  

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do
not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!"
and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!"
so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of
hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the
crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna
get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll
work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows
you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and
waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the
Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.  Bubba comes back and
finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says  "Boss! Boss! Wake
up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I
can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when
somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?'
that's a little more than I can take! --"
================================================
Rick Cook wrote a series of books about a computer programmer who
gets snatched into a world where magic works [and there are NO
computers]. The kind of guy who names a hashing subroutine
"corned_beef".  Hilarious!  Most of it is too complicated to make
sense or be funny but there are a few lines that I'd like to share
with you.

>From "Wizard's Bane", (c) 1989.
--------------------------------
"Always use the right tool for the job.  The right tool to repair a
television set is a television repairman."

>From "The Wizardry Compiled", (c) 1990.
--------------------------------------
"Magic is real - unless declared integer."

"Sleep?  Isn't that a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine?"

>From "The Wizardry Cursed", (c) 1991.
-------------------------------------
"Reverse engineering is the sincerest form of flattery."

>From "The Wizardry Consulted", (c) 1995.
-----------------------------------------
"Never tell them the truth until you check to find out what the truth
is today."

"Just because a person is hard-working and ambitious doesn't mean that
person has the least idea what is going on."

"Expert: Anyone more than 100 miles from home carrying a briefcase."

"Utter incompetence never kept anyone from underbidding  and
over-promising to get the job."

>From "The Wizardry Quested", (c) 1996.
----------------------------------------
"You would think that a 20-foot dragon walking down the street of an
American city would attract at least *some* attention.  You would be
wrong.  Anyone who has been in Las Vegas more than 48 hours has seen
stranger things than that on the breakfast buffet."
================================================
[found at http://www.masterm.com/humor.html]

If the Beatles were Programmers (Author Unknown)

Eleanor Rigby
----------------
Eleanor Rigby
     Sits at the keyboard
          And waits for a line on the screen
               Lives in a dream
                    Waits for a signal
               Finding some code
          That will make the machine do some more.
     What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
     All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
     Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
          Isn't it fun?
               Look at him working,
          Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
     It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
     All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
     Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
          Feels like a jerk.
               Guru MacKenzie
          Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
     Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
     All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
====================================================

Something
-----------
Something in the way it fails,
     Defies the algorithm's logic!
          Something in the way it coredumps...

I don't want to leave it now
     I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
     A pointer's got to be corrupted.
          Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
     I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
     I don't know, I don't know...
          What sequence causes it to blow?
               I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?
     And all I have to do is think of it!
          Something in the listing will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
     I'll fix this tonight I vow!
====================================================
Unix Man
----------
He's a real UNIX Man
  Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
  For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
  Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
  And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
  My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
  The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
  Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
  At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
  Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
  The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
  Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
  For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans
  For nobody.
====================================================
Write in C
------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

You've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

 Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your
 software development team:

10) "This code is a piece of crap!  You have no honor!"
 9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
 8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare
to die!"
 7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?!  I should kill you
where you stand!"
 6) "Our competitors are without honor!"
 5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
 4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH!  I need dual Pentium
processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
 3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die!  I say we ship it!"
 2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
 1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis!  The greatest Klingon code
warrior that ever lived!"
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

MICROSOFT AND ICOS DISCOVER MACINTOSH GENE
Genetic Breakthrough Points to Cure for Apple Users

Redmond, WA /DenounceNewswire/ -- September 31, 1996 --
In a joint press conference today, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ:
MSFT) and Icos Corporation (NASDAQ: ICOS) today announced the
discovery of a gene sequence in humans that is commonly present in
Apple Macintosh users. "People who have this gene are 96% more likely
to buy and use Apple Macintosh products than those who lack the
gene," says Microsoft Corporation's Bill Gates, a director and
investor in Icos.

"With this discovery, we can isolate at an early age those humans
who are most susceptible to the Macintosh Way, and nip them in the
bud, so to speak," Gates said, adding, "We also believe this will
greatly help productivity in corporations, by preventing the hiring
of Mac-susceptible applicants before it's too late."

"Microsoft Corporation plans to begin testing for the gene sequence
in school students across the country next year," said Veni Vidivici,
head of Genetic Demographics Marketing at Microsoft. Students who
are found to have the gene sequence will be added to a top secret
list and will be monitored by Microsoft undercover personnel to make
sure they're not exposed to Apple products, a spokesman added.

More than 20 million Apple computers have been sold over the past 10
years, Microsoft and Icos claim, and the vast majority of Apple's
customers suffer from this so-called "genetic signature." Microsoft
also announced plans to license an anti-Apple vaccine from Icos as
soon as it passes FDA certification.

In a related development, Icos and Microsoft also announced an
ongoing project to detect what is being termed "the Netscape gene" --
a genetic sequence found,  the two companies believe, in buyers and
users of Netscape products.

About Icos Corporation:
Icos Corporation secretly designs, develops, and markets
pharmaceuticals for Microsoft Corporation's use in curbing
competition. 
================================================
[from Hugh Horan, via REHU]

- - As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my
Inner Sociopath.

- - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.

- - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 

- - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
over others.

- - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. 

- - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.

- - Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.

- - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.
But not nearly as gratifying.

- - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,
to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me
nice things. 

- - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a
gun.

- - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.

- - I am at one with my duality.

- - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
knots. 

- - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday. 

- - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.

- - I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.

- - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there
are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- - False hope is nicer than no hope at all. 

- - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem. 

- - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. 

- - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a
minute...I'll find someone.

- - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?

- - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.

- - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
sabotage. 

- - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step
-- blaming my parents.

- - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn from them. 
================================================
[from Greg Singleton, via REHU]

WELCOME TO CULTMASTER 2000

The power of modern computer technology joins the ancient battle
against cults!

Have you ever felt like you were the only authentic Christian left?
Now you can prove it, with the new CultMaster 2000 CD-Rom package.
CultMaster 2000 is produced by Kingdom of the Kults, Inc., a business
founded by experienced professional cult-fighters who now make their
skills available to you. For just $99.99, the CultMaster 2000 will
let you prove that anyone who doesn't see things your way is any of
the following:
      * non-Christian
      * a member of a cult
      * a heretic
      * a Satan worshipper
      * plotting to take over the world
      * brainwashed
      * fanatic
      * overweight
      * a Republican

The patented CultMaster software includes two major modules. First,
there is the Cult Exposer module, which contains explosive
documentation on the doctrinal absurdities and historical scandals
behind over 3,000 religious denominations, including every major
Christian denomination in the United States except yours (all
negative information about your denomination of choice is deleted
during the initial installation of the software). For example, if
your denomination is Methodist, you can access Cult Exposer to print
out detailed briefs showing why Lutherans, Catholics, and
Presbyterians are pitiful, deluded followers of a lie, adhering to
doctrines that clearly make them non-Christian cultists. Cult Exposer
is customizable, allowing you to classify others as falling into any
or all of the categories listed above (non-Christian, cult member,
brainwashed, etc.). You make the allegations, we provide the
evidence, drawing upon a vast library of Biblical commentary,
anti-religious writings, historical information, and scandalous
quotes from past leaders and members of the accused organization.
Catholics, watch your Lutheran friends tremble as they learn that
Martin Luther advocated bigamy for Henry VIII (clearly making him a
non-Christian!). Lutherans, stun your Catholic neighbors with the
solid Biblical evidence that only Lutherans are Christian. And
Mormons will be pleased to learn that they are the only ones who are
NOT members of a cult! Cultmaster 2000 is so powerful that it can
make a non-Christian pagan out of anybody.

For those rare cases where the Cult Exposer module doesn't offer just
what you're looking for, or for those times when you must denounce
someone who doesn't fit neatly into the 3000 denominations covered,
the Custom Cult Slayer module has just what you need. Custom Cult
Slayer allow you to choose from over 500 crucial doctrinal issues
which might differentiate your beliefs from those of someone else.
Once you've selected a group of beliefs where you differ from others,
Custom Cult Slayer uses those beliefs to create an exclusionary
definition of "Christian" to show why you are one and others aren't.
This is a powerful technique which Kingdom of the Kults, Inc., and
others have used successfully in books and pamphlets for years. For
the first time, this method - known as "Semantic Redefinition for
Exclusivity" - is now available for domestic use, thanks to
CultMaster 2000.

This exclusive software, so powerful that it can exclude almost
anyone from Christianity except you, has years of research and
evidence sifting behind it. But now you can be a cult expert in only
minutes! Pick the target, click the mouse, and watch as CultMaster
2000 provides solid proof of scandal, occultic practices, and
non-Christian beliefs. With CultMaster 2000 as your theological
watchdog, it's just "Pick, Click, and Sick" every time.

As a public service, CultMaster 2000 offers a Netscape-enhanced form
to help you experience the Cultmaster 2000's Custom Cult Slayer
concept - in a primitive, public domain form (you've got to buy the
software to get the real thing!). Try it out!

If your local bookstore doesn't carry CultMaster 2000, they've
probably been infiltrated by a cult. In that case, order direct by
calling 1-800-HEL-FIRE and start putting the heat on the cultists
around you!

UPDATE NOTICE: Version 1.1 of CultMaster 2000 is now available,
correcting a serious deficiency in version 1.0. Although everything
in version 1.0 was theologicaly sound, we had failed to include the
dangerous cult system of the martial arts. CultMaster 2000 now
provides information about the martial arts as a cult, based on the
powerful expose in Bob Larson's outstanding book, Larson's Book of
Cults, Tyndale House Publ., Wheaton, 1983, page 27. It sure makes
sense that those in the martial arts are cultists. They wear
exclusive uniforms, have strict rules and codes they must follow,
give allegiance to human leaders, have varying levels or degrees in
their priesthood-like system of advancement, and jump around while
shouting strange words. (And when a human body flies twenty feet
through the air after getting a mild bump from a typical ninja in the
movies, you know demonic power must be involved.) The martial arts -
self defense or Satanic threat? Now you've got proof with CultMaster
2000. (But if you are a martial arts specialist, don't worry!
CultMaster 2000 will delete the arguments against your healthy hobby
and provide a two-page document explaining why martial arts is
obviously not a cult, and why those who don't enjoy martial arts will
be damned.) Version 1.1 is avaialble as a free update to registered
owners of version 1.0. The CultSlayer demo letter has also been
updated to reflect the threat of martial arts cults. 
================================================
