7/13/97

[forwarded by Brian]

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The
woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told
him what colors she wanted for each room.  As they walked through
the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a
cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened
it  and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and
continued following the woman to the next room.  The woman looked
confused, but  proceeded with her tour.  "In this room, I was
thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went
to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the
next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose
color.  And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled,
"Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why
do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell
you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street." 
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

       PREDICTING THE FUTURE (PG)
        -Submitted by Warren Abrhams
   --------------------------------
This has been around for a while, but since most of you have never
heard the story, I think you will appreciate it.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man,  One Giant
Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual
com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky."  Many people at NASA thought it was a
casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon
checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American
space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a  reporter brought up the 26 year old
question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with
a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in
the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. &
Mrs. Gorsky.   As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.

"Oral sex!  You want oral sex?!  You'll get oral sex when the kid
next door walks on the moon!" 
================================================
[forwarded by Naomi, via REHU]

Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for
a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as
simple as a couple AA batteries?  I think we should inconvenience
these people as much as they do us.  A while ago I was in Enid
buying a printer cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?"  he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified

"Once more?"  he asked

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson"

"Could you please spell that?"  he asked, glancing at the half dozen
people waiting behind me.

"Oh...  just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly.

Putting down "Johnson", he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E.  Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3,
Building O, Appt.  1382b," I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said "Or did you mean
current address?"

Stoping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes.  Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S.  Tinatonabee Avenue,
Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee
Avenue."  Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?"  he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and
address, look at the damned credit card receipt."

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me...  at
least, none that had been to Radio Shack. 
================================================
[via HAND!]

On computer upgrades from Udi's Computer Jokes : <Email:
MAJORDOMO@why-not.com , Message: subscribe computer-jokes>

who found it contributed by: Robert Riddle on Roshan's Humour List
<Email: rhl-request@dilithium.mit.edu , Message: subscribe>

A 486 TOWER SYSTEM (and earlier and other kinds)

IF YOU STILL USE IT AND/OR YOU'RE TRYING TO GET THE BOSS TO UPGRADE

1. Successfully think it is a faster unit by slowing down YOUR
thought processes by 75%.
2. Post a sign on it that reads "Caution: SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
3. Use the 4x CD tray as a Mega-Cup holder.
4. Draw a bulls-eye on the side and toss powerful magnets at it. 
5. Set that leaking paper cup of hot coffee on top of it. 
6. Drill a hole in the face and install a battery clock that operates 
at half speed. 
7. Install a 56k modem in it and watch the whole works go up in 
smoke. 
8. Suggest to the boss he donate it to the archeology department of a 
local university as a specimen. 
9. Trade it in for one gross (144) of pre-formatted floppies. 
10. A little changing around inside and hey, you have a desk side     
microwave. 
11. Resign yourself to slow loading, and sign up for AOL. 
12. Lift that monitor up to eye level. 
13. Use it as a footrest under the desk.


IF YOU'VE UPGRADED AND CAN'T STAND TO PART WITH IT

1. Use it as a decoy for burglars. 
2. Bronze it. 
3. Hollow it out and:
   a.  use it to grow mushrooms. 
   b.  build little shelves in it to store CDs. 
   c.  use it as bait box. 
   d.  A tool box for your deepwell socket set. 
   e.  Play  "cover the cat" with it. 
   f.  Hinge the front cover to hide that bottle of Jack Daniels. 
   g.  use the memory and processor chips and: 
       * paint them to look like caterpillars and bugs for your 
desktop. 
       * make a mobile for your workspace. 
   h.  Invert it and use it as: 
       * a saddlebag for your mountain bike. 
       * a recycling bin for the weeks newspapers 
       * a magazine rack. 
   i.  Cover the Surge Control device so you don't kick the switch. 
   j.  Convert it to a hampster cage, complete with squeaky wheel.

4. Use the sides as extra space for Post-its.
5. Nice flat surface for folding socks and underwear.
6. Keep it in the family, give it to your parents, it's fast enough
for them.

HAND! Editors Note:  if you really do have old computers sitting 
around, and want to donate them to some disabled and other folks in 
medical need of internet access, please let me know. I know some 
folks who don't have to blaze trails online, they'd be happy to poke 
along.  Old modems are also welcome. Thanks <smiles@bapp.com>
================================================
[From FranCMT, via "The Humour List"]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became
frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red
shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate
boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew,
the pirates were repelled.

The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events
when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you
call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain,  giving the
ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am
wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, and thus
you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, 
marveling at the courage of such a man.

The next morning, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once
again, the battle was on, and the Captain and his crew repelled both
boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.  

Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate
ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men
became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual
command.  The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, " Bring me my brown
pants ! " 
================================================
[From NRJMWS via REHU]

Cigarette Warnings Suggested by Tobacco Executives
Proposed new warnings for U.S. cigarette packs:

* Medical studies have proven you can still live with only one lung.

* Most forms of cancer are treatable at least for a while.

* This is only one of hundreds of products that are slowly killing
you.

* Smoking does not affect the fetuses of women who aren't pregnant.

* Refusing to inhale drastically reduces risk of lung cancer.

[Editor's note: However, it increases the chance of election. </jm>]

* Go ahead and drive or operate heavy machinery. It's perfectly fine.

* Secondhand smoke only affects those who might breath it.

* Cigarettes don't kill, matches do.

* Nicotine is not addictive because you know you could quit if you
really wanted to.

* There have been no medical tests to conclusively prove smoking is
a teeth-staining, smelly, pukey habit. And we're not all that ready
to concede the tumor-causing part either. 
================================================
[from HAND!]

 Taglines:   WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, WHY, HOW

  What are you doing?!? The message is over,GO AWAY!
  What can you do for me?
  What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.
  What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
  What could possibly go wrong.
  What do batteries run on?
  What do you mean that 2 years have passed??
  What do you think?
  What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?
  What does ignorant mean?
  What does this red button do?
  What else can you do at 3:00 am?
  What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
  What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
  What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
  What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
  What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'furniture.
  What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
  What's brown and sticky? A stick!

  When in doubt, think.
  When shooting a mime, do you use a silencer?
  When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs
      began to suspect "Hungry"
  When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the
  IRS).
  When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
  When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
  When your opponent is down, kick him.

  Where does weight go when you lose it?
  Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

  Who cares how it plays in Peoria?
  Who cares who's on board?
  Who glued the cup to the table?
  Who is "they" anyway?
  Whoever has the most when he dies... WINS!
  Whoever has the most when he dies... IS DEAD!
  Whoops, stepped on a frog.
  Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.

  Why am I asking all these things?
  Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
  Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
  Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
  Why aren't there many Hannukah specials on tv?
  Why be a man when you can be a success?
  Why can't we just spell it orderves?
  Why did the Albanion working class revolt?
  Why did you read this?
  Why do people cry when they're sad?
  Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
  Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them?
  Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
  Why do you think they call it "find"?
  Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
  Why does the beginning of your sentence end up in the middle of 
mine?
  Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
  Why don't tomb, comb,  and bomb sound alike?
  Why get even, when you can get odd?
  Why is  "abbreviated" such a long word?
  Why isn't "palindrome" spelled  "palindromeemordnilap"?

  How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
  How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  How do I set my laser printer for stun?
  How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it!
  How do you know it's summer in Seattle?  Rain's warm!
  How do you make Windows faster ?  Throw it harder
  How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
  How does one expect the unexpected?
  How long is a short story?
  How long will a floating point operation float?
  How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
  How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise MY hand!
  How many weeks are there in a light year?
  How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
  How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
================================================
[From hankums4, via REHU]

Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis.
Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.  If you are
Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.  If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.  If
you are Reform, press any button you like.  If you are
Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. If you are Lubavitch,
please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.

(Beep) Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.  The answer to
your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the Torah.  If
you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.

(Beep) Hello, you have reached the  Conservative Rabbi.  The answer
to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is
acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of
us. We hope that this has been helpful.  If you wish to change your
affiliation, press 1, 8.

(Beep) Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi.  The answer to your
question is: If you want to, sure!  Why not? Who are we to say?
However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.

(Beep) Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi.  The
answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have
not decided that issue yet.  However, my role is to empower you to
answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please
hang up....if you are still there. (Click) 
================================================
[Well, *I* think this is funny.  It's from the book "Escape 
Velocity", by Christopher Stasheff, (c) 1983.]

He wore a dark robe belted with a length of coaxial cable; the crown 
of his head was shaved in a neat circle.  The yellow handle of a 
small screwdriver peeked out from his breast pocket....

".... What's O.S.V.?"

"The Order of Saint Vincent of Cathode," the friar answered.  "We're 
a society of Roman Catholic engineers and scientists."

"..... isn't that something of a paradox?"

"What, having a priest who's a scientist?  Not really.  Any conflict 
between science and religion is simply the result of clergy who don't 
understand science, and scientists who don't understand religion."

"Wouldn't a scientist-religious tend to be a bit skeptical about 
both?"

"Indeed he would."  The priest grinned.  "The Vatican's habitually 
annoyed with us - we tend to keep asking new questions."

"Then why do they let you keep going?"

"Because they need us."  Father Marco shrugged.  "Even the Vatican 
has plumbing."
================================================
[from John Hedke, via HAND!]

After intensive investigation on the parts of both Russia and the US,
spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for
the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel
in jeopardy.

In terse statements at a recent press conference, Russian and US
space agency spokespersons said Thursday, "We have concluded joint
investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each
nation's team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for
this incident."

"The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
.
.
.
.
        OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

Here's a piece of the script from the enhanced Microsoft Geek version
of the Star Wars Trilogy:

Luke:   "You used to program."
Ben:    "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
Luke:   "My father wasn't a software engineer.  He was a custodian at
         Lockheed-Martin."
Ben:    "That's what your Uncle told you.  He didn't hold with your
         father's ideals.  He thought he should go to work. Not gotten
         a degree."
Luke:   "I wish I had known him."
Ben:    "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best
         systems programmer in the galaxy.  I understand you've 
         become quite a good hacker yourself.  And he was a good 
         friend.  For over ten years the systems programmers created 
         user interfaces.  Before the dark times.  Before Microsoft."
Luke:   "How did my father die?"
Ben:    "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a
         student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, 
         founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user 
         interface.  He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates 
         was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."
Luke:   "Money?"
Ben:    "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an
         exchange system created by human beings.  It surrounds us.
         Works for us.  Binds the economy together.  Which reminds me.

         Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough,
         but your Uncle wouldn't allow it.  He thought you'd follow
         old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."
Luke:   "What is it?"
Ben:    "It's an object modeling tool.  The weapon of a systems
         programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An
         elegant compiler for a more civilized age."
================================================
[from David Danforth, via REHU]

HOW TO GO CAMPING WITHOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE

1. Scatter small sharp objects onto floor. Pitch tent over them

2. Poke a medium-sized hole in screen door, Position a bright light
next to door to encourage the arrival of winged insects. 

3. without opening flue, light fire in fireplace. Bask in the woodsy
smell.

4. Douse socks in cold dishwater wring our lightly and apply to
feet.

5. Eat pasta with salt & butter. Swear it is the best pasta you've
ever had, and wonder why you don't always eat pasta like that. 
+-------------------------------------+
[From NRJMWS, via REHU]
- a supposedly true story :

One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government
farm.  Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate
tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask
the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. 
"Dozens of times," was the reply.  "Please tell that to the
President," Mrs. Coolidge requested.

When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters,
he asked, "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different
one each time."  The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that
to Mrs. Coolidge." 
================================================
[from Steve G Weiss via "Sixth Sense", "Wit & Wisdom", and
"A Joke A Day"]

Tooth Fairy Standard Rejection Letter

Dear <fill in blank> :

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found

( ) it was not a human tooth

( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate action 

( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy 

( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received 

( ) the tooth is still in your mouth 

( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of
our visit 

( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit 

( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing 

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
        [  ] string
        [  ] pliers
        [  ] gunpowder
        [  ] hammer marks
        [  ] chisel
        [  ] part of skull attached to tooth
        [  ] no dental care

( ) other: <fill in blank>

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely,


The Tooth Fairy
================================================
[from John Hedtke, via HAND!] DNA from the programming perspective

DNA Revealed

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact
that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful
function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is
that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin
as follows:

   ===
   /* HUMAN_DNA.H
    *
    * Human Genome
    * Version 2.1
    *
    * (C) God
    */

   /* Revision history:
    *
    * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
    * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
    * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit
    *                        messy -- will require a rewrite later on
    *                        to make it neater.
    * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took
    *                        code from elephant-dna.c
    * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail. 
    * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. 
    * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() 
    *                        routine. 
    * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin 
    *                        colour made darker to match my own image. 
    * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 
    *                        'wisdom' teeth. Must remember to make 
    *                        mouth bigger to compensate.
    * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
    * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high 
    *                        population density, to try and slow the 
    *                        overpopulation problem.    
    * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in  
    *                        centre of CD.
    */

   /* Standard definitions
    */

   #define SEX male
   #define HEIGHT 1.84
   #define MASS 68
   #define RACE caucasian

   /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
    *
    * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide
    * proper inheritance features.
    */

   #include "mother.h"
   #include "father.h"

   #infndef FATHER
   #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
   #include "bastard.h"
   #endif

   /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
    */
   #include

   /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a
    * proper library sometime soon.
    */
   struct genitals
      {
   #ifdef MALE
      Penis *jt;
   #endif
      /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
   #ifdef FEMALE
      Vagina *p;
   #endif
      }

   /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA
    * duplication.  Allocates buffers and sets up protein file 
    * pointers
    */
   DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

   /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
    *
    * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the
    * organism to display at birth.
    * 
    * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. 
    */
   Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
   ===

   ...and so on.

   [ Note that God uses two-space tabs ]
================================================
[from Dickibus, via REHU]

The Haggadah In Computer Command Language

(Although a version of this joke appeared in a previous issue of
Jewish Humor; it is being reissued before Pessach by popular
demand!)

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

Set ISRAEL;mode=master

Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL

Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

Command ignored

Load Moshe

Done

Deactivate Pharaoh

Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

For i=1 to 10 do plagues

Are you sure? Y

Done

Release ISRAEL

error: ISRAEL uninitialized

Set ISRAEL = 600,000

Done

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL released

Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

Save ISRAEL

Specify save device

Save ISRAEL with miracle

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
active golden calf routine

Destroy calf

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

Move ISRAEL to desert

Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

Done

Build Mishkan

Syntax error

Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel

Done

Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

Warning: operand terms must be unique

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

Done

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Done
================================================
[forwarded by Maureen, via REHU]

FLYING SAUCER CRASHES, ARES VALLIS RANCHER SAYS

Rawzwell, Ares Vallis, July 4,  (United Martian Press)

RANCHER REPORTS FLYING SAUCER CRASHES IN ARES VALLIS

In what is being billed as perhaps the most convincing evidence yet
that extramartianial life does indeed exist, we have today learned
of a report by a rancher in Ares Vallis that he came upon the
wreckage of a flying saucer that appears to have crashed yesterday on
a lonely outpost of his ranch.

Rancher Macks Brassel says that he and his wife were enjoying a
romantic walk in the rocks when they saw what he describes as "this
gigantic baggie" falling out of the sky.  When he went to
investigate, he found "a bunch of bubble wrap, pieces of cloth,
sticks with strange markings on them, and this little alien that
freaked out when we approached.  He looked like he kept trying to get
away, but he seemed to be stuck.  We didn't want to upset him any
further, so we left him there and went back to the ranch house to
call the authorities."

He described the alien as a small, flat, silvery creature that
seemed to have little wheels for legs.  Its head was a flat black
panel.  It was only a couple inches tall, but long and flat.   It had
very hard skin, kind of like rocks, but shiny.  It appeared to be
trapped in some of the bubble wrap and was beeping a lot, like it was
hurt, Brassel says.

After being alerted, the 509th Martian Army headquarters immediately
issued a press release stating that the debris was simply a weather
balloon that crashed, there was nothing for us to get upset about,
and if any Martian thought this was evidence of visitation from
another planet or something like that, well, that would be really,
really silly.

Nonetheless, this reporter noticed the base commander seeming to
border on becoming hysterical when we tried to question him.  Plus,
we overheard him say on the phone to the President, "weather balloon,
yeah, that'll work, yeah, that's the ticket."  We saw highly unusual
activity throughout the entire Army base, and heard reports that a
special recovery team would soon be sent out to the ranch to recover
the "weather balloon" (yeah, right) debris.

"This was no weather balloon", Brassel insists, "I know what a
weather balloon looks like and this was made of stuff I've never seen
anyplace else on Mars."   

Brassel has been ordered to report to the government's Attitude
Adjustment Center later this afternoon.  He promised to give us
further details when he is released, which is expected to be in a
couple of weeks.

We will keep you posted as further news breaks in this exciting
story.

Focks Smolder
Reporter
================================================
[from Ken Brousseau Sr. via "Just too Funny!"]

You May Be an Engineer if . . .

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero   *** <----- ***

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says
CONCENTRATE

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack
================================================
[from E-Funnies Mailing List, via "The Good, Clean Funnies List"]

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN ON STAR TREK

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that
it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of
scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called
Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything
is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a
silly hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague,
for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.

7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as
a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.

8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a
computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge
protection feature called a 'fuse'.

9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another
without serious incident.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien
intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it
on in the end.

13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien
intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon,
which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.

17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny,
day.

19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is
discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful,
"would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the
quadrant."

20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck
without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.

25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's
position.

26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate
Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you
love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27. When Worf tells the bride officers that something is entering
visual range no one says "On screen."

28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to
respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't
done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without
rewinding the tape).

30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his
own age for a change.

31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.

33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and it works
better than ever.

34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without
having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the
room.

35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy
routine.

36. Data falls in love with the replicator.

37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he
visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the
episode.

38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less
advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet
Prime Directive.

39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives
to tell the tale.

40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.

41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive
episode.

42. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
================================================
[forwarded by Maureen, on REHU]

> I'm trying to find an English translation to a text from the Liber
> Usualis--"Plange quasi virgo" from the Holy Saturday service:

EASY!!

> Plange quasi virgo, plebs mea:
"This Waterslide is sort of for inexperienced users, first-year
students like me"

> ululate pastores in cinere et cilicio:
"You will scream like a heroine barbarian at shepards at a movie
eating cilantro"

> Quia venit dies Domini magna et amara valde.
"He who wins at dice and dominoes is a big shot and loves money"

>Accingite vos sacerdotes,
>et plangite ministri altaris,
>aspergite vos cinere.
"Accepting a note from your sacred idols, you must administer the
alteration of the waterslide to look like asparagus from a movie"

I'd forgotten how much fun this translation stuff can be!! 
================================================
[forwarded by Maureen, via REHU]

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness.  Copyright United Media, 1997.  Please keep this
notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
.......................................................... 
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate
vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the
stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. 
Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek
vision.

Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of
your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in
novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of
their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into
my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came
to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for
my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick
out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.


If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before
anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,'
because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right
out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for
furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would
ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could
keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter:
the holodeck.

Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck
can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real
thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation
during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a
holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of
exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but
in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her
simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks
to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about
it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
---------------

According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard
enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong
move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to
stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance
anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and
what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

        Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
        -----------------------------------

        Me:      May I touch that?

        Alien:  That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
                separate corporeal being that has been
                attached to my body for six hundred years.

        Me:     It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
                have sex with it.

        Alien:  That's exactly what I said six hundred
                years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve.
Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times
a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd
zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me
at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers.
It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were
possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible
defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world
where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.

Criminal:  Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
           I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
           by an evil alien entity.

Officer:         Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to
stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence
and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the
bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's
dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him
barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean
shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise,
so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and
I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll
explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog,
a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.

And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a
tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg,
I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set.
That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg
concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think
you'd use most.

I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked
at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd
program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message
would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That
way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when
people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding
subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my
head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge
rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it
for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology
has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine
everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and
you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of
the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized
by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it
to the service.

Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to
my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if
I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect
the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I
could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever
crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in
the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

             Shopping with Shields Up
             ------------------------


        Me:          Ring this up for me, you
                     unpleasant cretin.

        Saleswoman:  I oughta slug you!

        Me:          Try it. My shields are up.

        Saleswoman:  Damn!

        Me:          There's nothing you can do to
                     harm me.

        Saleswoman:  I guess you're right. Would you like
                     to open a charge account? Our interest
                     rates are very reasonable.

        Me:          Nice try.


Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan
for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You
could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport
yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in
his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered
him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.

'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing
other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of
getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and
virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and
right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the
office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most
common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't
give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness.  Copyright United Media, 1997.  Please keep this
notice with the text.
..........................................................
================================================
[Aditya found this at http://www.speakeasy.org/~wes/divine.html]

On Divinely Inspired Mutilation 

So Abram says to this god, he says, "What's your name?" 
And the god says "I AM what I AM, AbraHAM." 
And Abram, he says, "Hey, that's Abram, OK?" 
And the god says, "I AM and YOU ARE ABRAHAM." 
And Abram says, "Whatever..." 
And then the god says, "I AM taking you and your progeny as
mine... 
... and YOU ARE AbraHAM." 
So Abram says, "ME, you've got, 
but you don't see any progeny around here, do you?" 
And the god says, "Remove your foreskin and you will have
children, 
and you will remove their foreskins, 
and they will remove the foreskins of THEIR children, 
who will remove the foreskins of THEIR children, 
who will remove the foreskins of THEIR children, 
So Abram interrupts and says, "Say what?" 
And the god says, "For I AM what I AM." 
And Abram says, "Well sure, that's plain." 
So Abram becomes AbraHAM and removes his foreskin and has
children, 
and he removes his children's foreskins, 
and his children remove THEIR children's foreskins, 
who remove THEIR children's foreskins, 
who remove THEIR children's foreskins, 
And *I* must interrupt to admit that I don't know 
where in hell all this is going, 
but I feel at this point 
I have to say, though: 
while I do greatly admire your faith AbraHAM, 
couldn't you have JUST SAID NO? 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Musicals That Never Made It!!!
---------------------------

Fiddler N' Da Hood

Beauty And The Beastie Boys

Guys & Inflatable Dolls

A Streetcar Named K.I.T.T.

Gangsta's Paradise in D Minor

Hellen Keller Sings

Mimes

Gallegher's Abortion Clinic (Warning: Don't sit in the first five
rows)

Cop Rock

Hitler: A Chorus Line

The Crips And The Bloods Star in West Side Story

C3PO on Broadway
================================================
[From DaKuda, via "The Humour List", and also "Just Too Funny!"]

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
================================================
[a recent thread on REHU]

	Moatman wrote:
You are all, I trust, familiar with Alfred E. Newman. His book "Quid?
Me Vexare?" pretty well established that man was predestined to have
free will, and his brother Randy was a noted composer of religious
music. My question: Just when did Afred E. Newman become a cardinal?

	Dave replied:
Was he associated with the Oxford Lampoon movement?  Was he a Pie
Churchman? (cream, preferably...)

	Dickibus [long-winded]:
Surely the cardinal point here is not when but if he became a
gentleman of the Catholic Church.   With bookish productions like
that, and Catholic Connexions, surely they would have to be in Latin? 
 Which would mean the he could be a cardinal, since the word cardinal
does not exist in colloquial Latin, merely in Church heirarchy.

Then again, if he wrote in English, or any other current language of
Europe or indeed the world, then he could not be considered to be
writing for the Church, since only Latin is the universal language of
all the Church, and without a Latin version, they will have to be
translated into every language in the world so that all catholics can
have informed consciences. 

 But even the RCC does not neccessarily have the means to perform such
massive tasks, so the question comes open.  Was he a catholic, and
could he become a crdinal?

Indeed, the more I consider the point, the more I realise that the
cardinal points of the compass direct us in all directions but upwards
towards Heaven.   So surely Cardinal is the wrong name for the top
rank of the RCC anyway - they don't point us towards Heaven.   What do
tthey point us towards, then, I wonder to myself - the answer, my
friend, is blowing in the wind.   And in the strength of our faith.

	AceUMC gave the final solution:
When he was signed by St. Louis
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

 Feeling Stressed Out?

 Picture yourself near a stream.

 Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

 Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

 You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

 The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
 of serenity.

 The water is clear.

 You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
 holding under the water.

 Look.  It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first
 place.

 What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
 breath... then ploop!...back under they go...

 You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

 There now... feeling better?
================================================
[from Ron Erickson, via "INSPIRE"]

OFFICE LINGO IN THE AGE OF THE INTERNET

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why
a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was 
responsible

Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics
who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively

Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to 
reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles

Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and
so on, looking for references to one's own name

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- 
Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web 
error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested 
document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him,
he's 404.

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea
generators running

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch
potato

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize you've just made a big mistake

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, 
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
Mortgage

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out
and whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just
to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious
students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired

Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
a workplace
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

A small fire breaks out in the dean's office in a waste basket.  A
physicist, a chemist and a statistician come running to the dean's
rescue. An argument ensues:

The physicist argues that they should measure the heat of the fire,
then apply sufficient cold to lower the temperature below the
ignition point.

The chemist argues they should assay the material in the
wastebasket, and identify a suitable reagent to neutralize the
oxidation reaction. 

The statistician meanwhile has been off setting fire to all the
other wastebaskets in the office.  When confronted by the incredulous
arguees as to why he did such a thing, she replied "to get
sufficient sample size, of course"

I got this joke from a statistics listserv a few years ago.  I
mainly get groans when I tell it in class.

Royce Simpson, Ph.D
================================================
[from Tigerman, via REHU]

    Top Ten Reasons For Tithing

10. Your church started a new stewardship drive....every time you
give your chances of winning increase!

9.  The choir has started wearing their bathrobes during the   
service.

8.  The last few Sunday's the Treasurer has gotten up halfway through
the service and turned the heat off.

7.  The Rector has worn the same suit every Sunday for the past three
years.

6.  The Wardens are starting to growl as they collect the offering!

5.  The silver offering plates have been sold and replaced with
Chapman's ice cream buckets.

4.  The Treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes

3.  You tried to call the Church Office last week but found that the
phone has been disconnected.

2.  Parking meters had to be installed in the Church parking lot.

And the number one reason for tithing.....

1.  As a Christian you understand the privilege it is to have a
partnership in the Gospel! 
================================================
[from The Good, Clean Funnies List (GCFL)]

Questions posed to rangers at National Parks:

Grand Canyon National Park:

Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
So where are the faces of the president?
Why did the Indians only build ruins?

Everglades National Park:

Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verda National Park:

Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns:

How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:

Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:

What time do you feed the bears?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
What time do they let the animals out in the park?

Yellowstone National Park:

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?


Thanx to Wade Schofield.

-=+=-

     We may not imagine how our lives could be
     more frustrating and complex- But Congress can.

                           -Cullen Hightower
-=+=- -=+=- -=+=-

================================================
[from Hal Stein, via HAND!]

Outsourcing Our Future

CANBERRA, ACT - Peter Fyfe, Director, Residences at the University of
Canberra  and father of two, has announced plans to outsource his
children to a private enterprise specializing in child rearing as
part of his family's cost saving effort. Fyfe said that his request
for proposals will go out very soon, and that he hopes that a
contractor will be in place by Christmas 1997.

Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing
expenses by hiring a company which specializes in the field. He
believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and
tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other
expenses such as school and activities, he should be able to pay a
private firm about 75% of what he currently spends on his children.

Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by
non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of
their current privileges, Fyfe has worked to alleviate their fears.
He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the
kids that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the
kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the
street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A professional
child rearing service would already know how to raise children and
not make the mistakes of a rookie parent.

The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children
with benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at
home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while
others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain
"core" benefits, such as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves
the non-core (music, sport, television) at the discretion of the
contractor.

The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the
children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and
sleeping at their parent's home; but, as space becomes available
offsite, the children will begin spending all their time away from
home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example,
when the yard needs "patrolling").

The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but
Fyfe told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to
retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, 'perform' on their
musical instruments or talk to, their parents. This would also allow
the kids to visit their pet (one dog), at least until phase 2 of
Fyfe's cost cutting spree, which includes outsourcing the family pet.
Fyfe would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the
children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a
discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise
the family in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode.

Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised
offsite, Fyfe convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was
eligible for "outsourcing." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brenda Daverin via REHU]

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater
Idaho  Falls Science Fair, April 26.  He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science
and spreading fear of everything in our environment.  In his project
he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total
elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."  And for plenty
of good reasons, since it can

    1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
    2. it is a major component in acid rain
    3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
    4. accidental inhalation can kill you
    5. it contributes to erosion
    6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
    7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the
chemical was water.  The title of his prize winning project was,
"How Gullible Are We?"  He feels the conclusion is obvious. 

[Note: Humor file #1 contains a LARGE hilarious joke about the 
dangers of dihydrogen monoxide.]

================================================
[from Tigerman, via REHU]

Top Ten Reasons For Sitting At The Front Of The Church

10. Statistics show that the front of the church building is the
safest in the event of a natural disaster.

9. You can see if anything's caught between the Rector's teeth. Then
watch him as you smile and point.

8. There's still lots of padding in these kneelers since they are
almost like new.

7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of
your shirt.

6. It's easier to trip the Wardens and Sidespersons

5. No one will hear your stomach make those 'alien' noises.

4. You're the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.

3. You want to justify that feeling you've always had that every
ones looking at you.

2. You're mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one
sits beside you.

And the #1 reason for sitting at the front of the church is.......

1. You actually love worshipping God and feeding on His Word and
Sacrament! 
================================================
[From hankums4 on REHU, who claims that "This was published in the 
Companion to the United Methodist Hymnal 1989."!!!!]

Onward Christian Rambos
Spoiling for a fight!
Wave the Flag of Jesus
Knowing that we're right
Spread the Gospel nerve gas
throw grenades of prayer,
blast the spirit's napalm
evil's ever there.
(Refrain of first 4 lines)

Like a panzer army
we shall blitz the foe
Rugged Cross, old glory,
lead us as we go!
Hail or heil your leader
Christians do or die
schooled and drilled for combat
never asking why -
(Refrain)

Feel the thrill of bloodshed
guns and holy wars
We don't really mean it
its all metaphors.
Nuke the Devil's empire
for in God we trust.
We wil love our en-e-mies
when they bite the dust

(Refrain)
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new plant-wide
software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will
contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as
the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show
MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month
so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at
MIASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the program, I
have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one
person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS
expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and
was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat
afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information
into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous,
I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her
through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it
was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to
doing it again.  She went so far as to say that after using SAP and
Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS
upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MIASS.  In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated
with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want into MIASS.  As MIASS grows larger, we envision
a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a
manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in
MIASS."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain
historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how
quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could
be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated
"Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS". 
================================================
[forwarded by Maureen on REHU]

A Californian, an Oregonian and good ol' boy from Tennessee were
camping in the woods.  By the campfire after dark,  the Tennessean
opened up a bottle of Jack Daniels, took a swig, threw the bottle in
the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and blew the nearly
full bottle to pieces. 

The others both looked at him and asked, "Why didn't you finish it?"
The Tennessean replied, "It's okay, we've got plenty more where I
come from."

The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Chardonnay,  took a sip,
then threw the rest in the air, pulled out a .38 special, and shot
the bottle. He looked around and said, "We got plenty more where I
come from."

The Oregonian, not to be out done, then pulled out a bottle of
Micro-brew, slowly drank the entire bottle, tossed the empty bottle
into the air, pulled out a pistol, shot the Californian and caught
the bottle before it hit the ground. 

He looked over at the Tennessean and said "It's okay, we got plenty
more Californians where I come from, but I still have to recycle the
bottle." 
================================================
[forwarded by Bill Cairns, on REHU]

>From "Anglican News" - the Diocese of Natal newspaper -

MEET THE 'TATE' FAMILY

The Patronal Festival of St Columba, Greenwood Park, Durban, was held
on 8 June.

In her sermon the guest preacher, the Revd May Laban of the Cathedral
in Pietermaritzburg, introduced the congregation to the "Tate
family": Firstly there is the old man, Dic-Tate who wants to run
everything in the church, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change
everything. Then there is Sister Agi-Tate who stirs up trouble,
especially with the help of her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new
projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vegi-Tate, want to
wait till next year. And Aunt Imi-Tate wants our church to be like
all the others. We also have nephew Devas-Tate who provides the voice
of doom, while Potent-Tate wants to be the big shot. 

But not all the members of the Tate family are bad. There is brother
Facili-Tate who is quite helpful in church matters and a very
delightful, happy member is Miss Felici-Tate. We appreciate cousin
Medi-Tate who always thinks things over and lends a hand. And, or
course, there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has
cut himself off completely from the church. 

By Cliff Joshua 
================================================
[From Haryanti Arif, via "The Humour List"]

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was
sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of
the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and
correct the error

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye
as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop
to chat.

Pope:  Sorry about the mix up.

President Clinton:  No problem.

Pope:  Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

President Clinton:  Why's that?

Pope:  All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: You're a day late.
================================================
[first is from NRJMWS, via REHU]

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be
confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums. 
+-----------------------------------------+
[From TriciaHH, via REHU]

Three guys were about to be shot in a prison camp. The first one
thought, "If I could find a distraction maybe I could get away." Just
as the squad leader said, "Ready, aim..." The guy said, "Tornado!" 
The squad all looked and the guy got away.

The second one thought he'd try the same thing.  The squad leader
said, "Ready, aim..."  The second guy yelled, "Flood!"  The squad
all looked and the guy got away. 

The third guy thought he could do it too.  But when the leader said,
"Ready, aim..."  The third guy yelled, "Fire!" 
+-------------------------------------------+
[from Naomi, via REHU]

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's
cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong
tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious
expression. Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his
cage and ate you up .." "Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished. 
+-------------------------------------------+
[from Barbara Henry, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

A bus loaded with politicians was driving down a country road when it
crashed into a tree in a farmer's field.  The old farmer walked
over, looked around, then started digging a hole to bury the
politicians. When the sheriff came by, he said to the farmer, "My,
what a shame. They were all dead, huh?"  The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't - but you know how them
politicians lie."  
================================================
[from GCFL, who claims it was found at 
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Set/6993 ]

Writing Home the Easy Way

Date: ___________



Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics
of interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!


Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ??? 
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
__ All of the above

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit
   limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Grades:

__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS
(Blue)

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,



__________________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X").
================================================
[from Tom McEachern, via REHU.  Some of these are DEFINITELY repeats, 
but I'm feeling too lazy to weed them out.]

1.  How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.


2.  How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  God has predestined when the lights will be on.  Or...
Calvinists do not change light bulbs.  They simply read out the
instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.

3.  How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

CHANGE???????


4.  How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows.  They can't tell the difference between light and
darkness.


5.  How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten.   One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.


6.  How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.  But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation
today.


7.  How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to
change a light bulb?

Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards
of light would slip.


8.  How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?

At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the
light bulb exists.  Even if they can agree upon the existence of the
light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those
who might use other forms of light.


9.  How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a
lightbulb?

None.  They always use candles.


10.  How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change
lightbulb?

One.  But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.


11.  How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten.  One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they
liked the old one.


12.  How many United Methodists does it take to change a lightbulb?

We choose not to make a statement of either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb, however, if in your own journey you have
found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine.  You are invited
to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our
annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number
of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent,
three-way, long-life, and tinted; all of which are equally valid
paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ. 
================================================
