7/31/97

[from Heather l Barrett, via "Just Too Funny"]

A Flock of Sheep...

A blither of idiots
A brace of suspenders
A clutch of co-dependents
A crop of dominatrices
A defenestration of agents
An embarrassment of Richards
A flourish of strumpets
A gathering of seamstresses
A grunge of rock stars
A hunk of beefcake
A knot of Windsors
A lick of sycophants
A lot of salt
A matter of faxes
A number of accountants
A pack of lice
A pier group of fishermen
A plethera of misspellings
A propos of nothing
A ragman's ream of anagrammers
A scarf of gourmands
A sheetload of Klansmen
A shul of gefilte fish
A slew of murderers
A yawl of Southerners
A !*&)*& *& of euphemisms
================================================
[From Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

SHRIEEEEEE-E--E------EEEEEK!!!

It's an actual excerpt from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended
to prepare high school girls for married life.

Here we go:

1.  Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good
meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2.  Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your
hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work- weary
people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day
may need a lift.

3.  Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your
husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it
will give you a lift, too. 

4.  Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.

5.  Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm
smile and be glad to see him.

6.  Some Dont's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7.  Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink
ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing and  pleasant voice. Allow him to
relax and unwind.

8.  Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9.  Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out
to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and
relax.

10.  The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax. 
================================================
[three short ones.  The first is from Barbara Scheele, via REHU]

It seems there was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit
to a 92-year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor.
While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump
organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was half
filled with water, and a condom was floating on top of it.  He dare
not say anything!

But after tea, curiosity got the better of him and he asked her
about it.  She said, "While in town I found a little foil package on
the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said 'keep
wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.'  And you know, I
think it works.  I haven't had a cold all winter." 
+-----------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

A salesman is driving down a country road when he spots a chicken
sitting in the middle of the road.  He honks the horn to chase it off
the road, but instead of running to the side, the chicken takes off
running down the middle of the road, and quite fast.  The curious man
steps on the gas to check this chicken out.

As he gets closer, he swear he sees 3 legs coming out from under the
hot-footing chicken.  The chicken accelerates and begins pulling away
from the car again.  The man checks his speedometer.  "Wow, 40 MPH!"

He accelerates again, catching up to the chicken, who accelerates
again and leaves him in his dust.

The man keeps speeding up, as does the chicken, up to 65 MHP, and
he's amazed.  Just then the chicken veers off the road onto a dirt
road, leading up to a farmhouse.

The man skids to a stop, backs up and drives up to the house, where
an old man greets him at the front door.  "Sir, that your chicken
over there?  It's quite a runner!  Do I actually see 3 legs coming
out of it???"

"That's right, son," says the farmer. "We breed 'em like that. You
see, my wife, my son and myself all love drumsticks.  So we breed 'em
with 3 legs."

"Wow, that's amazing.  Tell me something- do the 3-legged ones taste
any different?"

"Dunno, " says the farmer.  "...we ain't caught one yet."
+-----------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, via REHU]

BUFFERS=7  FILES=5, 2nd Down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go...

================================================
[forwarded by Kathleen]

Why did the chicken cross the road [revisited yet again]

 Fox Mulder:
 You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
 have to cross the road before you believe it?

 Richard M. Nixon:
 The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not*
 cross the road

 Jerry Seinfeld:
 Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think
 to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all
 over the place anyway?"

 Bill Gates:
 I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only
 cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND
 balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets
 1.4999999999.

 Oliver Stone:
 The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?  "But is
 rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
 overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

 Darwin:
 Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
 such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross
 roads.

 Louis Farrakhan:
 The road, you will see, represents the black man.  The chicken
 crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

 Martin Luther King, Jr.:
 I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
 without having their motives called into question.

 Grandpa:
 In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone
 told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
 enough for us.

 Machiavelli:
 The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
 end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

 Albert Einstein:
 Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
 chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 Buddha:
 Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

 Ralph Waldo Emerson:
 The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.

 Ernest Hemingway:
 To die. In the rain.

 Colonel Sanders:
 I missed one?
================================================
[forwarded by Gregory Singleton, via REHU]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT.

Life is hard, then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day
annoy them. 

Climb your way to the top-that's why the drapes are there.

Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. 

Find your place in the sun-especially if it happens to be on that 
nice pile of warm, clean laundry. 

Make your mark in the world-or at least spray in each corner. 

When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or 
thirty times. 

If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several 
expensive antique lamps. 

Always give generously-a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells 
them, "I care." 

When you go out in the world, remember: being placed on a pedestal is 
a right, not a privilege.
================================================
[from Arlene E. Jacobs, via HAND!]

            "Oh, Now I get it"
             by Janet Konttinen,
            San Francisco Chronicle, July 22, 1997.

I remember seeing a kid in the grocery store with dirt and old food on
his face, wearing a filthy T-shirt, barefoot and eating a two-pound
candy bar.  I couldn't imagine why his mother had brought him to the
store looking that way and why she would give him a candy bar at 10 in
the morning.  That was before I had four kids.  Now I know why.

His face was dirty because he was going through a phase in which
having his face wiped seemed worse to him than getting beaten.  She
chose not to do either.  His T-shirt was filthy becasuse it was his
favorite one.  He wore it every day and every night.  Just as they
were walking out the door to go to the store, he had pulled it out of
the clothes hamper and surpised her with it at the front door.  By
then she didn't dare risk interrupting the momentum she'd built toward
the car by going back into the house to get a clean one.  He had shoes
on when they left for the store, but he took them of in the car and
threw one out the window on the freeway.  She was relieved it was the
left shoe, since he'd thrown a right one out the window the week
before.  He was eating a big candy bar because she had promised him he
could pick out his own treat at the store if he didn't throw the cat
into the pool for a whole week.  She was desperate because it was the
neighbor's cat and couldn't swim.

I used to think that my children would eat only fresh, organic fruits
and vegetables and free-range chicken.  Now I look forward to our
semiweekly luncheon at McDonald's. I have acquired a genuine love for
secret sauce, and relish the fact that my kids can't do anything wrong
there.  This includes drenching their french fries in ketchup, then
spitting their cola out on top of the fries, molding the whole mess
into a big ball, then throwing it at one another.

Before, when I would see a woman wheeling a kid around in a dirty
stroller, I'd ask myself, "Why did she give birth to that child if she
didn't plan to keep the stroller clean?"  The other week at my annual
stroller washing party, I found ground cover growing in the storage
compartment of one of mine.

When I would see children throwing fits in public, I would wonder why
the parents didn't just tie the kids' arms and legs toegether and put
them in the trunk of the car until they had finished shopping.  Now I
know it's because they left the rope at home.

When several children were screaming in an airplane, I'd wonder why
there wasn't a separate airplane, and a separate planet, for kids.  I
know now that their parents wish the same thing and that they had to
take the kids to attend the family reunion at Aunt Lois' so they could
see Uncle George before he kicked the bucket.

The kids were crying because their parents wouldn't let them eat the
headset, stick their fingers in the ear of the lady in front of them,
or press the attendant call button for the 100th time.  The parents
were preoccupied with trying to decide where to change the really
smelly diaper.  Should they change it on the seat next to the couple
on their honeymoon, or on the floor in the back where five perky
flight attendants were playing bumper cars with those one-ton food
carts? Forget the bathroom.  They were designed to hold one person
with short legs.  The parents feared that the smell would cause a
panicky passenger to pull open the emergency exit in order to trigger
the release of the oxygen masks, and they'd all be sucked out of the
airplane.

Now when I see a little girl wearing cowboy boots  on the wrong feet,
a pink bathing suit on backward and Army helmet, I think "She IS
absolutely sure that her shoes are on the right feet, and she likes
the way the helmet looks with the swimsuit.  And, no, she doesn't want
to wear a jacket because 'she likes to be cold'.  She is happy."
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

God heals -- doctor's just send the bills.

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what
they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
   I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
   He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
   I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any
   more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
                 --or--
    I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
    you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
     Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
     cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
     I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
     He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
     I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
     I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
     Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
     I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
     The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
     stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
     Rats!  I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
     I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
     solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
     My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn
     something about this.

 "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
      I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off
      next week.
================================================
[From NRJMWS, via REHU]

A journalist visits a monastery where he is friends with the abbot,
the leader of the order. The abbot is the only one in the order
allowed to speak. The journalist says "hey, its all very serene and
stuff, but doesn't it get boring, what do these guys do to lighten up
a bit" 

"Oh its not boring at all" the abbot replies, "why, after dinner on
Sundays we have a real laugh with a joke telling session" 

"hows that then?" 

"I give a special dispensation to say one word, that word is a
number, the number of a previously learnt joke... they remember the
joke and have a real laugh" 

Well, not surprisingly the journalist can hardly believe this and
asks to see it all "No problem" says the abbot 

Sure enough, after Sunday lunch in the refectory, the tables are
cleared, then a monk goes to the front of the hall and calls out
"12"... and the monks fall about laughing. The monk sits down, then
another gets up goes to the front, calls out "21" and the monks have
a good laugh. 

So it went on and the journalist is so fascinated he asks the abbot
"can I have a go?" "sure" came the reply so he went to the front of
the room and called "47" this time the monks really fell about
laughing, clutching their stomachs and gasping for breath Back at the
table the journalist says, "wow, that must have been a good one" 

The abbot replied "Yes.. they haven't heard that one before" 
+-------------------------------------+
[from Grady, on REHU]

A Catholic man was friendly with a Jewish man, so when his son became
a priest, he was eager to share the good news with his friend.  "My
son just entered the priesthood!" he told his Jewish friend excitedly.

"Ehhh . . . that's nice," the Jewish man said with complacency.

"Don't you get it . . . he could one day become a monsignor," the
Catholic insisted.

"Mmm . . . that's nice," the Jewish man repeated, maddeningly
unenthusiastic.

"But one day he might become a bishop!"

"That's nice."

"An archbishop!  My son . . . my little boy . . . could one day be an
archbishop!" the Catholic man exclaimed, frustrated by his friend's
utter lack of zeal for the news.

"An archbishop . . . that's nice."

"A cardinal.  My boy, my boy who you knew when he was just a little
squirt, he could be a cardinal some day maybe."

"That's nice," the Jewish man repeated.

"Well, one day he could become the pope.  The pope!"

But still the Jewish man only repeatedly blandly, "Ehhh . . . that's
nice."

Finally the Catholic had reached the end of his rope.  "What do you
want him to be?!" he exclaimed in a loud, exasperated voice, "Jesus
Christ?"

Replied the Jew, "One of our boys already made it!" 
================================================
Tom Roush found a small executable [that he can't figure out how to
send to me as an attached file - thing keeps coming embedded]. His
description of what happens when you run it is hilarious!
---------------------------- 
okay, what happens is there's this picture of the golden gate
bridge, and the note, "remember, life is a bridge from birth to
death.

Try not to get stopped on it at rush hour...

then there's this little exit button. 

So you click it, and start getting these little windows:

Click 1:
"do you really want to exit?"

Click 2:
Are you positive?

Click 3:
You definitely want to do this, right?

Click 4:
Warning! you are about to exit the program.

Click 5:
(lo-o-o-o-ng pause)
Are you absolutely SURE you want to take this important step?

Click 6:
Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Click 7:
Remember, you said you wanted to do this.

Click 8:
It's not my fault if you change your mind later.

Click 9:
This is a pretty serious decision, you know...

Click 10:
You could be sorry later.

Click 11:
You know, snap decisions hurt everyone.  Why don't you give this some
more thought?

Click 12:
I can tell you 're the sort of person who doesn't make many mistakes,
still, you might be making one now...

Click 13:
Hasty actions are the mark of an impatient person.  Think about what
you're doing.

Click 14:
You're certain this is the correct course of action?

Click 15:
Your mind is made up then?

Click 16:
That's it then. The program will exit.
L-o-o-o-ong pause...
The program is about to exit.  Is this your wish?

Click 17
If you're having second thoughts, now is the tiem to change your mind.

Click 18
Exiting is so final you know...

Click 19
Is it your intention to exit the program at this time?

Click 20
Do you understand that the program will stop if you click the yes
button?

Click 21
Please do not click the mouse so hard.  You may injure the hardware,
or yourself.

Click 22.
Okay, that's it.  Your mind is obviously made up.  Have it your way.

Click 23
--"Fatal System Error" 
(you figure it out)
================================================
[two "tacky" jokes forwarded by Barbara Scheele, on REHU]

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station.  The Aliens 
waddle out of their ship and look around.  The first thing they see 
that resembles a being is the Gas pump.  The two Aliens approach. 
The first one says "Earthling take me to your leader!" 

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then
addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"
Still no response. 

The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If this Earthling
doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!" . 

The second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on
the next block." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits
for the other to waddle to the next block.  He then addresses the
pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the
explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the
block to his buddy,  He then says to the second Alien "If you knew
that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?" 

The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm
not going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground,
wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"

==================================================================
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

Elvis, Liberace and John Belushi are sitting around in Heaven bored
out of their heavenly lives.  They go to Gabriel and ask if there's
any way they can get out.  Apprehensively, he agrees to let them
return to Earth for a short while, telling them that if they even
*think* of committing a sin, they'll go straight to Hell.

So, zap, they're back on Hollywood Boulevard.  As they're walking,
Elvis sees a bar.  He heads towards the door and the moment he
touches it, poof!, he's gone.  The other two realize that Gabriel was
serious.

A little while later, John Belushi sees a little packet of white
powder lying in the gutter.  He thinks for a moment, bends over to
pick it up and poof! Liberace disappears. 
================================================
[three short ones from various places.  First is forwarded by 
Brian]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes.  Well, when the man sat
down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items
on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber
glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first
exam ... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is
for ... but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said 'a BUTT LIGHT'!!!" 
+----------------------------------------------+
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a
full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands
in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If
you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the
years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
+-------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Kathleen]

 Top Ten Advertising Slogans For Star Trek IX
 Author: Trek Tech

 10. "You've read the script, now see the movie!"
  9. "The best underbudgeted rush job around!"
  8. "Enterprise-E. Take a good look. It may be your last."
  7. "More fun than a barrel of pink flamingos going over Niagra
  Falls!" 
  6. "We're really only in this for the money, but we know you'll see
it anyway!"
  5. "Come on, you don't really believe that 'odd-number = flop'
superstition do you?"
  4. "You've bought the Hamilton plates, the Hallmark ornaments, the
Novelization, and the Costume; now see the movie!"
  3. "Starring William Shatner as Barney II - the son of Barney!" 
  2. "Star Trek IX: The Choice of the Next Generation" 
  1. "The sooner you watch this, the sooner we can make a good
even-numbered movie!"
================================================
[from LOTS of places, including Greg on REHU, and HAND!]

An imaginary commencement address, by Mary Schmich.

  Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

  Wear sunscreen.

  If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen
  would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been
  proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no
  basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
  I will dispense this advice now.

  Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.  Oh, never mind.
  You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
  until they've faded.  But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look
  back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp
  now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you
  really looked.  You are not as fat as you imagine.

  Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying
  is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by
  chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to
  be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that
  blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

  Do one thing every day that scares you.

  Sing.

  Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up
  with people who are reckless with yours.

  Floss.

  Don't waste your time on jealousy.  Sometimes you're ahead,
  sometimes you're behind.  The race is long and, in the end,
  it's only with yourself.

  Remember compliments you receive.  Forget the insults.
  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

  Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

  Stretch.

  Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with
  your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what
  they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting
  40-year-olds I know still don't.

  Get plenty of calcium.  Be kind to your knees.  You'll miss
  them when they're gone.

  Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have children,
  maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the
  funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.  Whatever you do,
  don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. 
  Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

  Enjoy your body.  Use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it
  or of what other people think of it.  It's the greatest instrument
  you'll ever own.

  Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

  Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

  Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

  Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone
  for good.  Be nice to your siblings.  They're your best link
  to your past and the people most likely to stick with you
  in the future.

  Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few
  you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography
  and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need
  the people who knew you when you were young.

  Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live
  in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 
  Travel.

  Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians
  will philander.  You, too, will get old.  And when you do, you'll
  fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable,
  politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

  Respect your elders.

  Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust
  fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when
  either one might run out.

  Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40
  it will look 85.

  Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who
  supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a
  way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting
  over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

  But trust me on the sunscreen.
================================================
[from Tina Gunther, via HAND!]

         A BIRD-WATCHER'S GUIDE TO MOTORISTS:

  Gleeful Splatter-dasher: Loves to douse pedestrians.

  Head-turning Chatterbird: Seldom keeps his eyes front.

  Hill-passing Swift: Ignores "No Passing" signs on hills.

  Migratory Weaverbird: Constantly jumps lanes in traffic.

  Ruffle-fendered Tail-gater: Bears marks of too-close contact.

  Addlepated Honker: Always sounds off without reason.

  Nocturnal Dimwit: Drives in the dark with parking lights.

  Torpid Highway Creeper: A menance to all other road runners.

  One-eyed Nighthawk: Ignores his burned-out headlight.

  Gawking Booby: Gazes around while driving.
   [A species related to the Head-turning Chatterbird, above]

  Crosswalk Creeper: Can't resist cheating on the takeoff.

  Unfortunately, these species are not extinct, so while you're
  driving, keep a sharp lookout for these birds - and be sure no
  one thinks you're one of them.
================================================
[from Greg, via REHU]

Windows95: <win-DOZ-nin-tee-FIV> n.

A 32 bit extension and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written
by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
+-----------------------------------+
[from Barbara Scheele, via REHU]

Top 15 Things People Think the '95' in 'Windows95' Really Stands For

15. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.

14. Bill Gates' age when it ships.

13. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.

12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.

11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

10. The number of floppies it will ship in.

9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.

6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the
new OS.

5. The number of minutes to install.

4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

1. The year it was due to ship. 
+----------------------------------+
[from Barbara Scheele, via REHU]

Redneck Dictionary of Computer Terms:

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods 
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern 
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick 
Byte - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro 
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps 
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in 
Crash- When you go to Junior's party uninvited 
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers 
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS 
Hacker -Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking 
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos 
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair 
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere 
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food 
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers 
Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high 
Network -Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line 
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test 
ROM - Where the pope lives 
Screen- Helps keep the skeeters off the porch 
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year 
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Dead Men Read No Mail
By Scott Hanson; excerpted from the Orlando Sentinel Star newspaper

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much
really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank,
insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their
customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of
correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for
months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from
companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined
to contact him anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's
bank.

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft
    protection on your checking account. Efforts to
    contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we
    are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00
    service charge from you account. Please adjust your
    records accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    The Phoenix Branch

    Dear Phoenix Branch,
    This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died
    Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be
    overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and
    adjust your books accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hansom

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance
company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain
terms of his death.

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To
    continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this
    office immediately. Failure to do so will result in
    the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of
    your coverage.
    Sincerely,
    Your Insurance Agent

    Dear Insurance Agent,
    This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead
    since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in
    a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the
    policy, and adjust your books accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it
    is very important that you contact me immediately. I
    sense that you are about to enter a time of
    unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the
    enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how
    best to take full advantage of the opportunities that
    are coming your way.
    Sincerely,
    Your Psychic Reader

    Dear Psychic Reader,
    My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900
    number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know
    my father is dead, and had been for more that three
    weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my
    father would be more than happy to take you up on your
    offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet
    with him personally.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson
    P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the
    future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car
    insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for
    overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts
    to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay
    the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make
    other arrangements.
    We appreciate your business and look forward to serving
    all of your future borrowing needs.
    Sincerely,
    Your Bank's San Diego
    District Office

    Dear San Diego District Office,
    I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you
    my father died in January. Since then, the number of
    checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being
    dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection
    or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no
    longer needs.
    As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your
    breath.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your
    insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven
    unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned
    over to us for collection.
    Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we
    will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.
    Sincerely,
    Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

    Dear Collection Agency,
    I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead.
    He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead,
    dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that.
    Please adjust your books accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued
    for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our
    efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful.
    Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the
    matter will be turned over to a collection agency.
    Such action will adversely affect your credit history.
    Sincerely,
    Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office

    Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
    I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person
    at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father
    passed away in January.
    Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of
    amazement and amusement as your bank continues to
    transact business with him. Now, you are even
    threatening his credit history.
    It should come as no surprise that you have received
    little response from my deceased father. It should
    also be small news that his credit history is of minor
    importance to him now.
    For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books
    accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    This is your final notice of payment due to your
    insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment
    of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter.
    Please contact us at once.
    Sincerely,
    Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

    Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
    You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these
firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my
father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving
similar correspondence.

Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them
would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead
are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put
business correspondence in its proper perspective.

Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post
office there.

(Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in
Orlando.)
================================================
[From "Davis, Amn Stephen", via "The Humour List"]

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10.     Nuts...my shaft is bent
9.      After 18 holes I can barely walk
8.      You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7.      Look at the size of his putter
6.      Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5.      Mind if I join your threesome?
4.      Stand with your back turned and drop it
3.      My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2.      Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1.      Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
+-------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, via REHU]

A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf
every day.

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front.  He sees that this is a woman and,
as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very
attractive.  He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of
the round together.

She agrees and a very close match ensues.  She turns out also to be a
very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last
hole.  He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give
her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car.  All in all it's been
a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and
competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course
for a long time.  He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows
him her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again.  He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day.  Again they have a magnificent
day,  enjoying each other's company and playing a tight competitive
round of golf.

Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and
again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This
is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home
from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a
fine week that he has a surprise planned:  dinner for two at a fancy
candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse
apartment of a city hotel.  Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and
says she can't agree to this.  He can't figure out what the fuss is
about but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast.  He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard.
You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"
================================================
[forwarded by RONALD A. VEENKER, via REHU]

I'm adopting my new signature as (_x_) when emailing people I
dislike......... We all know those cute little computer symbols
called "emoticons," where:) means a smile and :( is a frown. 
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.  Well,
how about some "ass icons"?

Here goes:

 (_!_)      a regular ass

 (__!__)    a fat ass

 (!)        a tight ass

 (_._)     a flat ass

 (_^_)      a bubble ass

 (_*_)      a sore ass

 (_!__)     a lop-sided ass

 {_!_}       a swishy ass

 (_o_)      an ass that's been around

 (_O_)     and ass that's been around even more

 (_x_)     kiss my ass

 (_X_)     leave my ass alone

 (_zzz_)    a tired ass

 (_o^o_)   a wise ass

 (_13_)     an unlucky ass
================================================
[posted by Maureen on Rehu, apparently from
 Jokes For the Jolly
http://www.cyberhighway.net/~transnet/humor.htm ]

My animal guide is The Cookie Monster.

A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS

1.  DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement
with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable
scientific objectivity.

2.  BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying
life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3.  TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4.  DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must
believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true
nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
disability you may have experienced.

5.  NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS
DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters
could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6.  SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the
surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper
will surely be of widespread interest.

7.  PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should
consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8.  DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer
arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9.  NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN
THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor
relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to
protect him from exposure.

10.  NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT
CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and
embarrassment. 
================================================
[from Marianne Watson, via GCFL]

The Dying Man's Wish

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside
his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I
know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you.  But who knows? 
Suppose they're mistaken.  I'd like to have something with me, just in
case.  So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred
thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would
put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's
useful, I'll have something.  They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away.  At his
funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into
the coffin.  After the burial, as the three are walking away together,
the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a
confession to make.  As you know, at the hospital we are desperate
because of the cutbacks in funding.  Our CAT SCAN machine broke down
and we haven't be able to get a new one.  So, I took $20,000 of our
friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he
asked."

At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make.  As you
know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless.
The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn.  So I took
$50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in
the coffin as our friend requested."

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished
and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn
undertaking to our friend.  I want you to know that I placed in his
coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
================================================
[from HAND!  --- Have I sent this one out already???]

            All Purpose Excuse Form

All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've
gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works
best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective
this form can be!

  Dear

     a)  Mom
     b)  Dad
     c)  love of my life
     d)  Assistant Principal
     e)  Local Police Chief,

  Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

     a)  Car
     b)  House
     c)  Pet
     d)  Espresso maker
     e)  Left arm

  was severely damaged by my

     a)  infantile
     b)  puerile
     c)  inept
     d)  comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
     e)  woefully under appreciated

  prank.

  How could I have known that the

     a)  car
     b)  jet ski
     c)  large helium balloon
     d)  rodent driven sledge
     e)  Zamboni

  I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true
  that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

     a)  house
     b)  wife
     c)  Cub Scout troop
     d)  1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
         with lightbulb in the torch
     e)  priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

  you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
  carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

    a)  imagine
    b)  fathom
    c)  comprehend
    d)  appreciate
    e)  pay for,

  and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
  that you are perfectly within your rights to

    a)  hate me
    b)  sue me
    c)  spank me
    d)  take my firstborn
    e)  gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
        fish in your koi pond,

  but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
  joshing around at

    a)  school
    b)  work
    c)  church
    d)  the bowling alley
    e)  the municipal jail,

  and to remember that I am first and foremost your

    a)  friend
    b)  child
    c)  sibling
    d)  lease co-signer
    e)  only possible match should you ever need a
        bone marrow transplant.

  I think that counts for more than one prank, especially
  one that
    a)  was so stupid
    b)  was so silly
    c)  would have been funny if it worked
    d)  you would have done, if you had thought of it first
    e)  I'm going to use again on someone else.

  Sincerely,

    Me.
================================================
[from Howard Campbell, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg done the highway
one day,  when he spoots a cat lying in the middle of the road.  The
biker thinks to himself, " I'll cut that cat in two" and he bears
down oon it hard.  As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's
not a cat, it's a large peace of metal laying in the road. Too late! 
His frount wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the
handlebars into the road at 80 MPH. 

Well , when he arrives in Hell, sho should be welcoming the new
arrivals but the Devil himself.  As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's
hand he asks mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"  The biker
replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"  The old Devil was just a
little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crak up the
thermostat a notch.  

The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do
you like it now?"  Still the biker responds by saying, "This is
great! Reminds me ot those drug runs to Sonora during the hot
afternoons in Augest."  Naturally, the Devil is only more angred, and
cranks the heat up as far as it can go.  The next day, Hell is as hot
as it gets.

The devil again asks the biker how he likes it.  Undaunted, the
biker proclaims, "It's almot as hot as the time I beat and robbes
thow vacationers out in Death Valley. I loce it!"

Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turnds the thermostat all
the way down.  The next morning, he finds the barker again and ask,
"OK smart-**S, who do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging for every part of his body, the biker inpuires,
"W-w-w-waht h-h-happened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win
the Super Bowl?" 
================================================
[from Dickibus, via REHU]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  The girl announces to her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.   
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there
is to know about condoms and sex.       

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets
his  girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my 
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner 
table where the girl's parents are seated.       

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute 
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally 
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were
this  religious."       

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a 
pharmacist. 
+---------------------------------+
[from Rob Wilkinson, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on
the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.  She fetched
her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat, he said, as gently
as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked
Lucy as she fought back the tears.  

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs
are pointing  straight up in the air so that it will be easier for
Jesus to float him up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her cat's death quite well. However, two
days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in
her eyes and said:"Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl
and shouted, "What do you mean, Lucy?"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I
saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't
been for the milkman holding her down, she definitely would have
gone, Daddy".
================================================
[posted by Tom Bombadil on a Buddhist list serv, and then forwarded 
to me]

The following snip by Tracy Cochran was submitted to the list: 

> Meditating at the Pentagon is a way of being sane in the midst of
> madness. Approaching the chaplain's conference room, where the
> meditation club meets during the noon lunch hour each Friday, Ives
> explains, "What I'm interested in now is usinf meditation as a
> vehicle to get in touch with my soul or my cosmic consciousness. A
> lot of the pieces of the puzzle would fall into place if we could
> make that connection with our eternal nature. So I'm trying to use
> meditation to make that contact or build that bridge."
>
> Based on the Christian Centering Prayer, the idea for the 
> "Peace Shield Meditation" came to Winchester in a flash of 
> inspiration one day in 1986. It quickly  became the crux of 
> an ambitious "spiritual defense initiative" that sought to 
> link people inside the Pentagon and around the world in a
> unified force field of loving awareness. 
> After a period of time in which we are to repeat our 
> "favorite name of God or Creator, Source, the Universe, etc.," 

Sure, there is something appealing to this, but something a 
little naive and wacko as well. I would trust an ecumenical 
meditation on world peace led by a reputable teacher like 
Thich Nhat Hahn, who talks beautifully in non-exclusive language.

Yet when you round up these people using various religious terms, each
off in their own Private Idahos, yet convinced that everyone else is
off in the same fantasy as theirs and so together are somehow
achieving Cosmic One-Ness -- well, I'd call it the "Grand Delusion."

I hate to think of people who are talking about 'force fields of
Awareness' and 'Christian Centering Prayer' even being *allowed in*
the Pentagon. Jerry Falwell has been trying to get his foot in the
door for years, claiming that God is on his side, whatever that is. 

Another similar article concerning this matter brings up an even
more formidable problem (from today's political news - no kidding):

> According to the 1997 platform of the Natural Law Party 
> (based on teachings of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi) in Canada, 
> released in May, people should stop using the south and west 
> entrances to their homes because they are inharmonious, and 
> should instead use north and east entrances.  Furthermore, 
> Canadians entering the U.S. should do so from Niagara Falls, 
> whose entrance (from the east) is the only non-southward entrance in
> the country.  The Party proposes to eliminate the federal deficit by
> "eliminating problems" and to create an "invincible" national
> defense through yogic flying (which resembles hopping like a frog). 
> The Party got 84,000 votes in 1993. 

Assuming that the 'Frog-Hopping "Invincible" National Defense' is 'At
One With' the 'United Force Field of Loving Awareness' above, we seem
to be faced with a serious dilemma:  The Pentagon is just that: a
five-sided building without clearly marked west and south sides.

Isn't this going to mean that cosmic prayer in the Pentagon is
going to end up producing all sorts of Negative Energies, and as
a result, might even launch us into WWIII?  The idea is frightening.
Not to mention what could be conjured up inside a National Pentagram,
especially if the combined worshipers' ages happened to sum to 666.

Like, does ANYONE ELSE share my worries here?

With cosmic concern,

Tom

================================================
[from Gary Hom, via "Just Too Funny!"]

An annotated thermometer

     70 - Hawaiians put on pants

     60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their
          wardrobe),
          Hawaiians buy heaters (from the mainland)

     50 - Miami residents turn on the heat

     40 - You can see your breath,
          Californians shiver uncontrollably,
          Minnesotans go swimming,
          Hawaiians freeze

     35 - Italian cars don't start

     32 - Water freezes,
          Hawaiians cease to exist

     30 - You plan your vacation to Australia,
          Minnesotans put on T-shirts,
          Politicians begin to worry about the homeless,
          British cars don't start

     25 - Boston water freezes,
          Californians weep pitiably,
          Minnesotans eat ice cream,
          Canadians go swimming

     20 - You can hear your breath,
          Politicians begin to talk about the homeless,
          New York City water freezes,
          Miami residents plan vacation further South

     15 - French cars don't start,
          You plan a vacation in Mexico,
          Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

     10 - Too cold to ski,
          You need jumper cables to get the car going

     5  - You plan your vacation in Houston,
          American cars don't start

     0  - Alaskans put on T-shirts,
          Too cold to skate

     -10 - German cars don't start,
           Eyes freeze shut when you blink

     -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo,
           Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects,
           Miami residents cease to exist

     -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you,
           Politicians actually do something about the homeless,
           Minnesotans shovel snow off roof,
           Japanese cars don't start

     -25 - Too cold to think,
           You need jumper cables to get the driver going

     -30 - You plan a two week hot bath,
           The Mighty Monongahela freezes,
           Swedish cars don't start

     -40 - Californians disappear,
           Minnesotans button top button,
           Canadians put on sweaters,
           Your car helps you plan your trip South

     -50 - Congressional hot air freezes,
           Alaskans close the bathroom window

     -80 - Hell freezes over, Polar bears move south

     -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
================================================
[from Neal Drabbe, via "Just Too Funny!"]

 You never get a second chance to make a first impression....

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to
plant you right here!

2. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to
be.

3. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.

4. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone
beat me to it.

5. Do you clean your clothes in Windex? Because I can see myself in
your pants.

6. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

7. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

8. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" 
   Girl: "I don't really like this song and really don't want to 
dance with you." 
   Guy:  "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look 
fat in those pants"

9. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost
mine.

10. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

11. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

12. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

13. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

14. Do you have a quarter?  My mother told me to call home when I
met the girl of my dreams.

15. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?" 
    Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
================================================
[found at http://www.cyberhighway.net/~transnet/humor/sshroud.htm ]

The Turing Shroud

A recent sensational discovery may shed some light on a mystery which
has baffled computer scientists (or 'hackers' as they prefer to be
called) for decades. Although held as an article of faith by most
hackers, the existence of the fabled 'Universal Turing Machine' has
never been proved, and many ordinary people find the whole idea
difficult to swallow. The only comparable machine in antiquity, the
Analytical Engine of Charles Babbage, was only partially constructed
and never lived up to its specification; in which respect, hackers
say, it resembles modern machines such as the IBM 3086. 

Heretofore, the only evidence for the Turing Machine's existence has
been in the form of documents written by the Venerable Alan Turing
himself, when he was involved in the development of computing science
theory between the wars.

In these papers, St. Turing described (in great detail) the Universal
Machine and how it was programmed. Implicit in his arguments was that
the Machine itself was built and used, but the complete lack of
supporting evidence, despite exhaustive searches after his Ascension
into Heaven, has tended to confirm the sceptics' view that it never
existed as a physical entity. They point to the fact that, after the
war, St. Turing worked for some years at the National Physical
Laboratory trying to build a Universal Machine, suggesting that no
earlier version ever existed. Zealots have countered by saying that
the pre-war machine _was_ built, but was confiscated (in total
secrecy) by the Allies to aid in the war effort, and was never
returned to its inventor. They argue that the machine was destroyed in
an air raid. St. Turing therefore had to start from scratch after the
war and attempt to reconstruct a Machine using the then new-fangled
valve technology. As we know, this attempt was abandoned in the face
of competition from the USA, and he was forced to work, in Manchester,
on an economy model computer, often referred to contemptuously by
hackers as the Provincial Turing Machine.

The recent furor stems from archaeological work carried out by
dedicated hackers at a site near Cambridge. It is well known that St.
Turing bought two silver bars in the Thirties as a hedge against
inflation. Not trusting the banks, he buried both bars and drew maps
with cryptic instructions indicating their whereabouts. Unfortunately,
after the war, when he came to retrieve the bars, he only managed to
find one. The two intrepid hackers subjected the map and instructions
to a sophisticated computer analysis. After several fruitless months
they gave up, and by scribbling a few calculations on the back of an
old envelope (known in the business as the ICL approach), managed to
locate the site of the missing bar in a matter of minutes. Late last
Tuesday evening, they dug down to a depth of six feet before
encountering a metal box.  Excitedly, they smashed the lock with their
spades and opened the lid. Inside, as they had hoped, they found a
silver bar wrapped in a dirty piece of cloth.

It was only when they brought the find home, however, that they
realized the full significance of the piece of cloth, or 'Turing
Shroud' as it has already been dubbed. When stretched out, the Shroud
clearly bears the imprint, in oil, of a machine of great complexity.
Isotopic measurements of the oil and cloth definitively show both to
date from before the war. Followers of St. Turing are convinced that
the Shroud is no more or less than the original wrapping of the
Universal Turing Machine, and that its historical value far exceeds
that of the silver bar it enfolded. Already, hackers are working day
and night, using photographs of the Shroud as blueprints, to build a
replica of the Machine.

The entrepreneur and electronics innovator Sir Clive Sinclair, 59, who
was quickly on the scene, has expressed great interest, and is giving
his full financial support. "If it works, it will make even my
wonderful electric car look like nothing more than an expensive toy",
he commented.

LATE NEWS: The Xerox corporation has announced that it is issuing a
pre-emptive priority lawsuit against the Shroud's discoverers in case
the machine should ever be completed.
================================================
[From Steve Urquhart, via "The Humour List"]

18 ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight

1.  Find common interests.  Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection
Program too?"

2.  Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms
were out-of-order.  Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts
are a natural diuretic?"  Smile.

3.  Call the stewardess "nurse".

4.  Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles.  Speak in a low voice into
a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941.  I was
not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be
ours...."

5.  Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

6.  Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello.  H-e-l-l-o.  Hello.  Nice
weather we're having isn't it?  Weather.  W-e-a-t-h-e-r.  Weather."

7.  Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that
never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started
singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it
forever justbecause, this is the song that never ends...."  Suddenly
realize that you can never stop singing.  Become very panicky. 
Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person
sitting next to you.  Claw at your throat and thrash around in the
seat.  Never stop singing. 

8.  Continually offer to share your "Beano".

9.  Decorate.  Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies.  Hang a "Home
Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you.  Invite
your fellow passengers in for tea.

10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on.  Ask if the pilot
would mind going back so you can check.

11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor.  Place it on
your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand.  Wait.  Push the return
key a few times.  Yell out "Yes!  Alright!  I told them I didn't need
a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.

12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls,
construction paper, etc.  Organize a "Kraft Korner".  Make a craft
likeness of the person sitting next to you.  Give yourself an "F".

13. Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its
wings?"  Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

14. Snap Polaroids of him or her.  Pull out an empty photo album and
arrange the pictures inside it.  Tuck the album under your jacket and
say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a
person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling
maniacally. 

15. Bring a cellular phone.  Call God.  Say, "The reception is much
clearer up here...."

16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent.  Call the person
"mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are
from "Down Under".  Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee,"
such as "That's not a knife!  That's a knife!", until they are
forced to yell at you that you are not Australian.  Call them
prejudiced. 

17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you.  Read every
single wor daloud and attempt to use it in a sentence.  Use them all
incorrectly. "?My, youhave a very irate home,' she said
governessly." 

18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and
exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?" 
================================================
[from CathyinTX, via HAND!]

      YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you
and suggest that you should get some rest.

You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before.

The Sun is too loud.

Trees begin chasing you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up
an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step
for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things becomes "Very Clear".

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can
get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and
Channelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though
you are the only one in the room.

Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You have great revelations concerning:
Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't
quite find the words for them before the white glow
disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You can travel without moving.

Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the
people you are talking to.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not
realizing that you have said it before...

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your
head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
================================================
[forwarded by Maria Rocco]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz,
rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade,
spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist,
pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste,
nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean
floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky,
crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing,
slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry,
knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back,
Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.
================================================
Hmmmm... Have I sent this one out before?????

[From Galon, via "The Humour List"]

For those people who believe in a daily spiritual discipline...

INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS:

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my
Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring 
levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that
are someone else's fault.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things. 

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. 

- I am at one with my duality.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to
incessant nagging?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the 
conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as 
sabotage. 

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --
blaming my parents.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can
laugh at.
================================================
[from Imoan, on REHU]

"Commonly Asked Questions About Men...And Their Answers"
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter? Hormone modifies
behavior. We're just misunderstood.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all
the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
Besides, women do it as well.  Women are just much better at not
getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later
reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus. ------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much
of the world nowadays.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when
we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel.

Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why can't men just say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
fire way to get into your pants.  Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite well.
------------------------------------------------------ 
What does it mean when men say "I Love You?

1 Please sleep with me.
2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6 Stop nagging me.
7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
------------------------------------------------------
Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.
------------------------------------------------------ 
What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet
seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet
seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent
sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the
proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat.
Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that
have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually
lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote
control is to arm wrestle for it.
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel?
We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also:
Why do men fear commitment?)
------------------------------------------------------ 
Why do men fear commitment?

Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what "commitment" means
and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how
good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with
newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be
expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit
and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with
a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It
simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...
err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come
with fun extras like dual air bags.
------------------------------------------------------ 
What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a 
relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough
so that we want to see you repeatedly. 
================================================
[from StarFyter, via "A Joke A Day"]

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death.  The family called their pastor to stand with them.  As the
pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. 
He said, "you know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.  I
haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of
inspiration there for us all".  He opened the note, and read,
"you're standing on my oxygen tube!" 
+------------------------------------------+
[from George Gregory]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed a frog by the side
of the road.  The frog looked up at him and said, "I am actually a
princess, and if you kiss me on my tummy I will give you the best
sex you ever had." Upon hearing this, the man bent down, picked up
the frog, and put it in his coat pocket.  The frog looked at him
inquisitively, so the man said, "At my age a talking frog is far
more interesting." 
+------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by AceUMC, via REHU]

Phyllis, Evelyn, Tish and I (freda, that is)  had lunch at Marie
Calendar's(a restaurant, that is)  the other day.  The Chopstick
Salad sounded good, and they offered it in not only the regular size,
but a small size for a bit less money.  Evelyn ordered the Chopstick
Salad, then I said to the waitress (obviously before putting much
thought into it)  "What is the difference between the large Chopstick
Salad and the small."  She looked at me and said, "Size."  I took a
quick look at her face to see if she was serious, and, yes, she was. 
Oh, my!  Evelyn then decided we had just come up with a new party
game.  She suggested--"What is the difference between and boy and a
girl?" "Gender" 

We did finally get a general idea of the size of the small salad, but
it took a heck of a lot of dialogue and several hand signals. 
================================================
