8/8/97

[forwarded by Brian]

        EXECUTIVE, LEGISLATIVE, JUDICIAL BRANCHES MERGE 

WASHINGTON, DC--Seeking to streamline federal affairs and give the
government a much-needed shot in the arm, the three federal branches
inked an unprecedented $12 trillion merger deal Monday. "No more
will the three branches bicker and argue and overrule each other,"
President Clinton said of the merger, reportedly the largest of its
kind since last year's ABC-Disney deal. "This merger should give the
federal government tremendous synergy, a kind of
'cross-pollinization' that the framers of the Constitution never
envisioned when they developed the now-antiquated system of 'checks
and balances' so long ago." In the first major move since the
merger's announcement, on Tuesday Supreme Court Justice Stephen
Breyer ordered mandatory military conscription for all adult males
in preparation for a September invasion of Iraq.

================================================
[excerpts from the Dilbert Newsletter 16.0.  If you would like to 
subscribe to this, Teresa has instructions.]             

Induhviduals continue to amuse us.  These reports are just in from
DNRC operatives in the field:

-----

A few months ago I went to a deli during my lunch break. Guess what
the special was?  A "bowel" of soup -- only $1.00!  I asked if it was
pea soup, but the conversation with the owner went downhill from
there.

-----

I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the phone with
a customer who was asking us about her network connection. She
insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not powerful enough for her
needs and that she had "looked into it" and had decided she wanted a
4com card instead as they were obviously better.

-----

This report is from a DNRC operative in a high school physics class:

Two girls working on a lab project were trying unsuccessfully to
light their alcohol burner.  My lab partner and I offered our
assistance.  One of the girls asked why her burner didn't have a
"fuzzy thing" (referring to the wick) like all the others.  I took it
out of her hands, and removed the cap that goes on the wick during
storage.  She had been trying to light a piece of steel on fire for
five minutes.

-----

We were watching TV when an ad came on for "The Club" car theft
prevention device.  The Individual in the room said, "Who would want
to steal a steering wheel?"

------

I work in tech support.  An end-user called and reported, "My
computer is making a strange noise."  We visited the site and
identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in his drawer.  

[Editor's note:  Later that day he called the Men's Wearhouse 800
number to report that his pants were making a strange noise.]

------

Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over the money slot.
The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the piece of paper, and inserted
his dollar. He was still cursing the machine for stealing his money
as I walked back to my office.

[Editor's note: Induhviduals are an excellent way to keep your "cost
of goods sold" expenses low.]

------

One of our departments here at Microsoft ordered a new computer for
one of our projects.  It gets shipped with MICROSOFT in prominent
letters on the shipping label. Imagine our surprise when we found a
bootleg copy of Microsoft Windows preinstalled onthe machine.  Talk
about a feat truly worthy of Induhvidualness.

------

My co-worker asked our new Admin Assistant to schedule a meeting with
a group of people.  The Admin scheduled the meeting but didn't
invite the person who had asked her to set up the meeting.

[Editor's note:  Hey, she's not a mind reader.]

------

This one's a double sighting:

I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car.  I pumped in
$18.50 worth of gas and went to pay.  In front of me in line was a
guy (obviously from out of town) asking for directions and signing a
VISA slip.  When that guy left, the fun began:

CLERK: "Can I help you?"

ME: "I'm the $18.50 charge."

CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the computer.  But I
just charged that last guy $18.50."

ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?" 

CLERK: "No, he was just in here asking for directions."

ME: "Then why did you charge him $18.50."

CLERK: "Ummmm...excuse me!"

Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other Induhvidual had
left.  I wonder if the other Induhvidual thinks people in my city
always charge $18.50 for directions.

[Editor's Note:  The lesson here is that if someone asks you for
directions, ask for their credit card and charge them.  You might get
lucky.  In fact, it's a safe bet that the Induhvidual in the story is
still lost, and that's easy money for whoever runs into that person
next.]


------

I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local universities.  I
order a BLT.  The Induhvidual behind the counter asked if I would
like lettuce and tomato with that.  

I suppose I *could* have just wanted a B.

[Editor's note:  I think a BLT should be called a BLTT to include the
"toast" in the recipe.  That would clear up a lot of confusion.]

------

My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said, "individual" is
spelled wrong all over this document.

[Editor's Note:  It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as you're
only doing it for the laughs.] 

------


My science class teacher was going to show us an x-ray of a man's
chest.  Before he placed it on the overhead projector, he cautioned
us that the long white line attached to the solid white disk was NOT
a yo-yo that the person had swallowed.  It was a pacemaker.  After
the x-ray had been on the overhead a couple of seconds, the most
outspoken Induhvidual in the class asked in a perplexed tone, "He
swallowed a PACEMAKER?"

-------

Our company requires us to fill out weekly time sheets and turn them
in to the Executive VP (a practice going back 8+ years).  It turns
out he never wanted them, so he made a rule today that we need to
give them directly to the VP of Development.  The VP of Development
does not want them.  The company policy of filling out timesheets will
not change in the near future.   So now we are required to fill out
timesheets fully, and then throw them out.

[Editor's Note:  A good way to identify Induhviduals in your company
is by looking for the people who do the most thorough job of
recording their time.]

-------

The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says:

"We have tacos."

I went in to verify this fact for myself.  It turns out that they do
sell tacos, never bells.  The sign was very helpful.

-------

Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes, and an
Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out, "hello, hello?" 

But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk. Two seconds
later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the same guy, calling
"hello, hello?" 

Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all the way down
the hall from his office, bumps into the receptionist, and tells her
her intercom doesn't work.

He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?" 

She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back down the hall
to her desk to tell her it works now, it must be fixed! She looks at
him funny, and he goes all the way back to his office, then buzzes
her again, "Hello, hello?"

"Yes," she replies. 

"Can you bring me that file from your desk?"


Tips for Induhviduals
----------------------

Tip:  If a customs officer asks for your visa, don't say, "I have
cash.  Do you take that?"

In fact, most countries don't charge a cover fee.  And only France
has a two drink minimum.


Prank Report
------------

Just when you think the educational system is in decay, along comes
an inspirational story like this one:


Dear Scott, 

Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played on the
faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area). The idea came from
your newsletter which suggested "converting" a copier to voice
activation. The faculty copiers already have electronic boxes which
require a password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice
activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty
workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the following
instructions: This copier control is now voice activated. Please
state your name and department in a loud, clear voice into the
microphone. Almost every teacher that used the copier fell for it.
Some even returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It
will be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great idea.

--- end of report ---

[Editor's note:  I am wiping a small tear from my eye.  I couldn't
be prouder.]
================================================
[From stuh, via "The Humour List"]

Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and
    ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips
    on that."

 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks
    the silence with a bodily function noise.

 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!  My glass eye!"

 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then
    drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height
    of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

 9. Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it
     erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors
     while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy boy!"

 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a
     wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall
     wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could you
     kick that back over here please?"

 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me."

 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall
     with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy
     vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and
     splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and
     blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
     Now what am I gonna do?"

 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on
     your butt cheeks.

 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down
     your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor
     visible to the adjacent stall.

 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust
     it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and
     sing "Born Free".

+----------------------------------+

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's
safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. 
================================================
[from John Mazarella, via "Just Too Funny!"]

DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG

I met her __________  _____;
             (1)       (2)

 1.                            2.
on the highway          in September
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators
on probation            all hunched over
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant
incognito               with joggers
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal
in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin
in a gay bar            dead all over


I can still recall _________ she wore;
                     (3)
3.
that purple dress
that little hat
that burlap bra
those training pants
the stolen goods
that plastic nose
the Stassin pin
the neon sign
that creepy smile
the hearing aid
the boxer shorts


She was ______  _____,
         (4)     (5)

 4.                                  5.
 sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
 drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
 weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
 breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
 crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
 smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
 crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
 chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
 talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
 drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
 slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


 and I knew _______;
              (6)
 6.
no guy would ever love her more
that she would be an easy score
she'd bought her dentures in  a booze store
that she would be a crashing bore
I'd never rate her more than "4"
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
it was a raven, nothing more
we really lost the last World War
I'd have to scrape her off  the floor
what strong deodorants were for
that she was rotten to the core
that I would upchuck on the floor

 _______ I'd ______ forever;
   (7)        (8)

       7.                  8.
I promised her         stay with her
I knew deep down       warp her mind
She asked me if        swear off
I told her shrink      change my sex
The judge declared     punch her out
My Pooh Bear said      live off her
I shrieked in pain     have my rash
The painters knew      stay a dwarf
A Klingon said         hate her dog
My hamster thought     pick my nose
The blood test showed  play "Go Fish"
Her rabbi said         salivate


She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
               (9)                                (10)

 9.                           10.
our love would never die     run off
there was no other guy       wind up
man wasn't meant to fly      boogie
that Nixon didn't lie        yodel
her basset hound was shy     sky dive
that Rolaids made her high   turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out
she loved my one blue eye    blast off
her brother's name was Hy    make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out
that birthdays made her cry  bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie    grovel

 ___________;
    (11)

 11.
with Tony Thaman
in my Edsel
on a surfboard
on "The Gong Show"
with her dentist
on her "Workmate"
with a robot
with no clothes on
at her health club
in her Maytag
with her guru
while in labor

_________ goodbye.
(12)

12.
You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
================================================
[from James Shearer, via HAND!]

25 Rules For Women

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great
time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
going out to dinner.

3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our
friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or
the local Patagonia store.

4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

5. Butthead is the smart one.

6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
"the relationship."

9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking
out the beer.

11. Socks never work as a gift.

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want
to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always
some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this
happens.

15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense
to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of
yours.

19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just
accept that.

20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary
Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

22. Making love on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of
conversation afterward is not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a
ball game are even better.

24. No, you can't have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only
add to our discomfort. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]


LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
 
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
 
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
 
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
 
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.    
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?        

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."       
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.       
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.        

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.     
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.       
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.        

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.       
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.       
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV. 
       

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."       
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."       
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.        

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.     
LUST - When you only see each other naked.       
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.        

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.       
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.       
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.        

LOVE - When nobody else matters.       
LUST - When nobody else knows. 
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. 

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.       
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.        

LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to think about.       
LUST- When staying together is something you try not to think about.  
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.  

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.   
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score. 
================================================
[A True Story sent in by Bob Sinclair, via HAND!]

           Pretty Bird
               by Bob Sinclair

Recently I was reminded of a story which my mother swears is true
(though she doesn't call me Bobby much anymore): Back in 1958, when I
was just past four years old,  my parents gave me a young parakeet .
My mother determined that our parakeet would learn to talk,  and to
this end sat at the microphone of a borrowed tape recorder for a full
1/2 hour, saying over and over again:  "Pretty bird ! Pretty bird !
Pretty bird ! Pretty bird !...." and so on. The resulting taped
message was played for our parakeet at least once per day. For weeks.

One of Mom's friends often dropped by for an early morning cup of
coffee, and was well aware (due to the incessant taped message) of
her attempts to teach our bird to talk. And one day, while the friend
was at the kitchen table, the bird began to speak, but very quietly
and indistinctly.  She excitedly called my mother into the room, and
told her that the bird was trying to say something. The two women
carefully leaned  toward the parakeet's cage, and heard him say, very
clearly now - "Bobby!  Stop that!" 
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

          THE COOKIE THIEF

A woman was waiting at an airport one night, 
With several long hours before her flight.  
She hunted for a book in the airport shop, 
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see, 
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between, 
Which she tried to ignore, to avoid making a scene.  

She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock, 
As the gutsy "cookie thief" diminished her stock.  
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I'd blacken his eye!"  

With each cookie she took, he took one too.  
When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.  
With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh, 
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.  

He offered her half, as he ate the other.  
She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother.
This guy has some nerve, and he's also quite rude. 
Why, he didn't even show the least gratitude!"  

She had never known when she had been so galled, 
And sighed with relief when her flight had been called.
She gathered her belongings and sped to the gate, 
Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate".

She boarded the plane and sank in her seat, 
Then sought out her book she thought to complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise.
There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!  

"If mine are here." she moaned with despair, 
"Then the others were his, and he tried to share!"
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

+----------------------------+
I've seen two other versions of this urban legend make their
rounds on the net, but, as I happen to be a Dr. Suess fan,
this is surely the most creative of the lot in my opinion.

However, there is a little more to this story.
I know, because I was there!

The other one, who shared, also found *his* box of cookies
with his belongings as well. You see, I was at the airport
at the time, and, noticing that both parties had purchased
the same kind of cookies, I just couldn't resist.

I bought a third package, and then slipped it onto the table
between them, while distracting them by asking for directions.

Then I sat at the next table and watched them both squirm,
as they both sat there thinking that the other was stealing
their cookies! Of course, this cost me a bag of cookies, 
but I squeezed far more entertainment out of the situation 
than I would have had I bought a newspaper...

The Cookie Monster
================================================
[found at 
http://www.smu.edu/~mbonilla/stories/new/elephanttrunk.html ]

Elephant's Trunk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and
by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father
left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on
the elephant? "

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom.  Down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a
soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the other
end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No.  Down there."

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that
woman."
================================================
[found at http://www.masterm.com/humor.html ]

Astrology for the Easily Amused 

Auglust, 1997 (8th month, starts with "A", go figure)

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) Between 1967 and 1997 a lot happened. But you
already know that. Between now and the end of 1997 a lot of other
things will happen. Am I good or what? 

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) Desirest thou opulence? Or were you just
looking at a new pair of glasses? Those diamonds in the rim are
definitley you. But wipe your feet, okay? 

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) I know how you can get that new Lexus you've
been admiring. Take that $9,000 Takamichi stereo out of your Pinto and
hawk it. 

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) It's very necessary to follow through on
business opportunities. Sort of like the follow through when bowling -
make sure your thumbs not still stuck in it. 

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) Whoa, Tiger! Er, Lion. That Leo chick with the Big
Hair's too much for you. Need I remind you of those scratches on your
back? Go find an Aquarius and play mind games for a while. 

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) You have other relatives. Forget that Pisces
schmuck. Who needs her anyway. Tall, slender, attractive while you're
short and dumpy. Hey, I'm just repeating what she said. 

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) Time to put relationships aside it seems.
Concentrate on yourself. There's a new horror movie playing in your
life - "Return Of The Living Single". 

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 22) So, now that you've skipped town with half the
sherrif's department looking for you, keep an out for those new
opportunities I was talking about. 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 21) Half horse, half man. Being a Sagittarius
myself it always bothered me which half of the horse it was until I
finally realized, Hey! Go get 'em, Stud! 

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Okay, so fame and fortune, infamous and
misfortune, whatever. They look very much alike in the stars. Except
one has that lil' sort of curly que at the top and that lil' hook at
the bottom. Kinda cute, actually. 

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) Now that you have all the questions AND the
answers, does that make you an authority? (Notice this was in the form
of a question) Be on the lookout for a Leo guy. He wants you for your
big, uh, brains. 

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) Who said what? No, honest, Virgo didn't say a
thing to me. Really. Forget I mentioned it. Move along. Next question.
================================================
[a flowchart for this can be found at
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/3456/h_men_dress.html 
I rewrote it as BASIC pseudocode to spare font incompatibility 
problems]

The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit

100 IF THERE ARE CLOTHES IN THE DRESSER GO TO 200
110 IF THERE ARE CLOTHES IN THE HAMPER GO TO 200
120 IF THERE ARE CLOTHES STREWN IN RANDOM PILES ON THE FLOOR GO TO 200
130 BUY MORE CLOTHES 
140 EXIT 
200 TAKE WHATEVER IS ON TOP 
210 IF IT IS CLEAN GO TO 300 
220 IF YOU ARE NOT SURE GO TO 240 
230 IF IT IS NOT CLEAN GO TO 240 
240 PERFORM SMELL TEST 
250 IF "OHMIGOSH" THEN SPRAY WITH DEODORANT; GO TO 300
260 IF "NOT BAD"  GO TO 300 
300 IF UNDERWEAR GO TO 400 
310 IF NOT TOO MANY HOLES GO TO 400 
320 IF HOLES WILL BE NOT BE VISIBLE GO TO 400 
330 PLACE ITEM ON DIRTY PILE; GO TO 100 
400 IF IT IS NOT WRINKLED GO TO 500 
410 IF YOU DON'T REALLY CARE GO TO 500 
420 BUT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A TICK ON YOUR EYEBALL THAN IRON A 
SHIRT?; GO TO 500

500 IF IT MATCHES GO TO 600
510 IF IT KINDA MATCHES GO TO 550
520 "DOES IT WHAT?"; GO TO 550
550 IF IT IS DARK OUT GO TO 600
560 SEEK THE ADVICE OF A FEMALE; EXIT
600 PUT ON CLOTHES
700 EXIT
================================================
[found at
http://www.smu.edu/~mbonilla/stories/storys2/cartoondrugs.html ]

Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)

Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to
do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway? 

9. Olive Oyl

Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?!
She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her
friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? What is it her personality? NOT! 

8. Snagglepuss

Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
suspicious. 

7. He-Man

This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF
ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle,
hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in
his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse". 

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo

We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to
the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look
at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that..... 

4. Droopy

The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an
upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he
sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder. 

3. Dopey Dwarf

He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are
under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra
scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat. 

2. Daffy Duck

If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work
for him. 

1. Shaggy

By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy
converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per
episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way
him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude. 
================================================
[from BJ Birdie, on ReHu - which has now changed servers and is 
called RelHumor....]

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from
when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was
a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations
with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased
with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

DAY 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.  She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. 
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I
think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten
points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a
little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is
going to be GREAT.

DAY 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air.  Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile
made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

DAY 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long
as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other
club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise
would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

DAY 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya.
The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room
until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.

DAY 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body
not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a
good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I
don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't
hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame.  The treadmill
flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?

DAY 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.

DAY 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at
the dentist's.
================================================
[from George Gregory]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated,  waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get on
their way.  The pilot and copilot finally appear from the rear of the
plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. 
Both appear to be blind.  The pilot is using a white cane, bumping
into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the
copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
sunglasses.  At first the passengers do not react:  thinking that it
must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start spooling up and the plane starts moving down the runway.
 The pilots clearly are blind.  They are not even looking out the
windshied.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance. Then the plane starts  accelerating rapidly and people
begin panicking.  Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming
more and more hysterical.  Finally, when the airplane has less than 20
feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the
shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the
airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sign of relief and turns to
the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream and we're all gonna get killed!!!!"
================================================
[from Doug McNees via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (but probably wishes he had)

--Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if 
  they already know everything

--Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs
  $10 just to repair

--A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell

--The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep

--Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer.  It's
  called a clothes line

--Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others

--Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the
  bill for them

--Four-word story of failure:  Hired, tired, mired, fired

--For every judge operating in an official capacity, there
  are 100 who are self-appointed

--It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are
  most likely to be remembered

--The more you know, the more you know you ought to know

--The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet

--The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

Excerpted from the book _A Collection of Personal Ads From
Alternative Newspapers_, by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996,
Simon and Schuster:

Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea
of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy
leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb
Alpert albums.

Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to
give me a cigarette;  you--choking on my odor, tripping over your
purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. 
Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?

Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to
fiddle with while Rome burns.  You bring marshmallows.  No.  I make
joke.  You like laugh?  I like comebacks and confessions.  Send photo
of someone else.

I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt.  I am angry bear. Grrrrr.  I am
large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm.  I am small
biting spider in your underwear.  Yub yub yub. No mimes.

Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder.  Like
screaming and marking territory with urine?  Let's make banana
enchiladas together in my bathtub.  You bring the salsa.

Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?)
in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup
is good food.

I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain,
watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and
licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed
Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.

Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love.  You grind your
axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a
bureau.  I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks.

Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying
scars, any age.  Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of
high-pitched, screeching noises.  Must like being bored and lonely. 
Must not touch the squids, EVER.

There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where
you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them,
and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and
red geometrical designs on them.

Mmmm Pez!  Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin
tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue.  You
look like Linda Carter?  Big plus.  Know all words to theme song? 
Marry me.

Sanctimonious mordacious raconteur seeking same for hijinks and
hiballs.  SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't be tall.
Or, if you can't help it, enjoy laying down.  Wanna swim upstream?

Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how
mad you were that they made you go?  And how you were hopelessly
bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered
strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your
skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes?  And how you spent the last
month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating
feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did
because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail?  That was me, and
you just turned 18.

Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy
with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks
exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either
sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks. 
================================================
[from Arlene E. Jacobs, via HAND!]

              LIFE LESSONS FROM THE SOAPS

  1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week,
  sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to
  wait around forever.

  2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You
  should do both, often.

  3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to
  build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven
  large glasses of straight vodka.

  4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody
  in the face, really hard.

  5. Pretend you're pregnant.

  6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

  7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce
  isn't convenient, fake your own death.

  8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

  9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding!
  Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.

 10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning,
 be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

 11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...
 or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in
 some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

 12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up
 and try to choke you.

 13. If you get fired, get drunk.

 14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

 15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your
 shirt and do it by the pool.

 16. Randomly insult the people around you.

 17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes
 they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable
 insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily
 sedated.

 18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an
 even better job at twice the salary.

 19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom
 liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a
 bunch of times.

 20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career
 doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

 21. Don't phone ahead. Assume the person you want to see is in,
 and just show up at the door.

 22. Keep a portrait of your family next to the telephone.

 23. Be sure to turn your back whenever speaking to anyone important
 to you and/or of something momentous.
================================================
[from Tom Roush]

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a make-shift
campfire, and to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle. The man is
consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the
conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down
at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could
maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a
tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he
would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened
condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his
poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what
had happened, but figured that since I killed it it I might as well
eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the
ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind
my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe
it is: somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
================================================
[from Brian]	Tech Support Stories

1)
User: "My computer's locked up, it won't do anything."
Tech: "Ok let's boot your computer. Turn it off and then back on."
User: "No it didn't work. It's still locked. I did this before I
called and it just doesn't work." 
Tech: "What happened when you turned it back on?" 
User: "Nothing it just came back to the same screen. Wait I'll do it 
again. (Click) Off. (click) On, see nothing, the screen is exactly 
the same when I turned it off." 
Tech: "What button are you using to turn off your computer?" 
User: "The one on the monitor of course!!" 
Tech: "OK, lets turn off the base of the computer...."

2) We're in the process of moving from an antiquated mail system to
one with all the bells and whistles. Yesterday I installed the new
software on a users PC and showed her how to use it. 

This morning she came barging into my office, panic stricken and
frantic. "All my mail I saved in one of my folders is gone!!!" 

I asked her which folder she had saved it to. 

"Deleted Items". 

'Nuff said. 

3)
Fom the days when 5.25 disks were still very common. A user said he
could not get his drive to read his floppy. I asked him to let me try
it in my computer. He unfolded the disk from his back pocket and said
"here." 

4)
At a software store we had a customer who brought a program back
saying that the diskettes would no longer read on his Apple ][. We 
tried, and sure enough, we couldn't read them either. We exchanged a 
new set of diskettes for him. A few days later, he comes back with 
the same problem. We exchange again. A few days later, he has the 
same problem. 

This time, we send one of our people to his place to see if there is
something strange about the way he uses the computer. We gave him a
free diskette case, so he wouldn't continue to store his diskettes by
pinning them on his refrigerator with *magnets*. 

5)
Here's a good tech support tale: 

I work for an ISP, and a customer of ours has problems installing
Netscape. He said that he had 12 megs of RAM, and I was stupid enough
to believe him. After unsuccessfully trying to install Netscape many
times, he decided to bring his computer in for us to take a look at
it. This is what the POST said: 

640K Conventional, 01280K Extended. 

Around 1.9 megs of RAM, total. It wasn't pretty. We installed Netscape
1.22 (hey, it would RUN). It took 25 minutes to install, 15 minutes to
get fully loaded. We also put a very old version of Eudora on so he
could get e-mail. When he picked it up, we told him that it was below
the minimum requirements for both Netscape and Eudora, so he might
experience problems. We also innformed him, of course, that 1.9 megs
was a longshot from 12 megs, and that he would need to go to at least
8. Well, as soon as he got the computer home he forgot all this and
instantly called asking why Eudora wasn't working properly. I
contacted the person who has installed Eudora, and asked if it was
working okay. He told me that it was working intermittently (Because
it didn't really have any memory to work with, perhaps? Gee, I
wonder.) I got back on the phone with the person: 

Tech: "The technician that worked with your system said that since
Eudora was operating below its minimum requirements, it was working
intermittently." 

User: (on lousy speakerphone) "whhhhhh tha mee?"
Tech: (hoping he wasn't saying "What's that mean?") "I'm sorry, what
was that?" 
User: "WHAT'S THAT MEAN?" 
Tech: (about ready to break something) "Every once in awhile." 

Well, at least he learned SOMETHING out of that experience. 


6)While working in the SoftKey support dept, I was helping to train
one of the new techs. I listen to this one: 

Tech: "SoftKey product support, this is Ken, how can I help you? User:
"I have the American Heritage Talking dictionary and the talking part
does not work."

(the customer sounded something like a 90 year old lady) 

Tech: "Ok. Can you look up words, do other parts of the program work
properly?" 
User: "No. It just doesn't work." 

(We go through about 5 minutes of troubleshooting, figuring that there
was something wrong with her sound configuration. Nothing seems to be
wrong, so finally...) 

Tech: "Ok, why don't you take me step by step through the program when
you try to use it." 
User: "Ok, well first I click on the Icon and the program comes up. 
Hang on a second. Tree. Tree. TREE! See, it doesn't work." 
Tech: momentary pause, mute out the caller so we can laugh "Ok. Try 
this. I want you to click on the line at the top of the screen that 
says "Entry" and type in T-R-E-E." 
User: "Ok." You hear the computer saying "Tree" "OH. Is that what it 
is supposed to do?"" 
================================================
[two jokes from Dickibus, via REHU]

 Sex and Numbers

You MUST try this! It really works.

(For those of you who are not mathematically inclined, you might need
a calculator)

1.   First  of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like
to have sex.

2.  Multiply this number by 2.

3.  Add 5.

4.  Multiply by 50.

5.   If  you  have  already had your birthday this year, add 1747. If
you haven't, add 1746.

6.  Last step:  Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

RESULTS:

You  should  now  have a three digit number, the first digit of which
was your  original  number  (i.e.  how  many  times you want to have
sex each week).  The second two digits are your age!!!

It  really  works.   If it didn't the first time, try again! this is
the only year it will ever work. 
+------------------------------------+
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble.  His
business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.  He's
so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.  He goes  into the
synagogue and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get  some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me  win the
lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.....................

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've  lost my business, my  house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue..................

"My God, why have you forsaken me??  I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving.  I don't  often
ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to  you.  Why
won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my
life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open  and
Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET!". 
================================================
[two from Tom Bombadil]

There was once a tranquil forest.
All the animals lived and played peacefully and happily.
In the middle of the forest was a glade with two majestic
trees growing into the sky.  One of the trees was a birch 
tree, the other a beech tree.  Then one day a tiny sapling 
sprouted up right between the two trees.  It was perfectly
spaced in the center between the trees.  

The birch tree gazed down at the sapling and proudly said,
"Ah, there grows the son of a birch!" 

The beech tree replied, 
"Why you are mistaken!  There grows the son of a beech!"

This started a terrible argument until the trees were both 
screaming. "Son of a Birch!"  "Son of a Beech!"  And so on.

The animals were very distraught, as the once peaceful forest
was filled with the roars of the trees.  They knew that they 
must do something.  Finally, they asked the trees if they 
would both accept an expert`s opinion on the species of the
sapling tree.  The Birch and Beech trees agreed to let the
expert decide.  The animals called in Woody the Woodpecker.
He flew all round the sapling and viewed it from all angles.
Then he pecked at the sapling a few times, then pecked some
more, and then flew into the trees with a smile. 

"Well??"  they all asked, 
"Which is it?  Is it a Son-of-a-Beech or a Son-of-a-Birch??"   

Woody replied, "Why, it's neither one.  Actually," he added,
"it's the best piece of Ash I've ever put my pecker in!"
+-----------------------------------+
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son 
playing with his new electric train in the living room. 
She heard the train stop. Her son said, "Ok, all of you 
sons-of-bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, 
'cause this is the last stop!  And all you sons-of-bitches
who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the
train now, cause we're going down the tracks!" 

The mother went into the living room and scolded her son. "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and
stay there for two hours.  When you come out, you may go back and
play with your train, but only if you use nice language." 

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember
to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for riding
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.  We hope you
will ride with us again soon." 

She hears the little boy continue, "For those just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about
the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen." 
================================================
[from Brian]

Tech Support: Ten Reasons You Know It's Going To Be A Long Call

10. You ask for their name and phone number and all you get is
silence. 

9. You ask if they have a Pentium and they reply, " No its a Vivitron
!!! " You rephrase the question, and they say, "Oh, I know, I have a
28.8...." 

8. You ask if they have Windows 95 or Wfw, and they say, "Whatever
come with the computer.." 

7. You tell them to open up the control panel and click on display,
and they say, "I only have six things and none of them say display."
You ask what they have in the control panel, to which they respond
with, "I have some squares and arrows and one with a little sun above
the dial." 

6. You ask them to click on the start button and go to programs to
which you hear, "Everytime I do that my screen goes black." After the
third time you calmly say, "You are hitting your on/off button !!!" 

5. You start to do an ORR... and you keep getting error messages. They
read back to you what they typed...ATTRIB SPACE SYSTEM DOT FIRST SPACE
MINUS ARE !!!!!! 

4. You ask them to restart the computer... they say, "I've never
restarted my computer before. I read in a magazine not to do that
because it could wipe out my hard drive." You gently reassure them
that it'll be okay, then you mute them and laugh hysterically. 

3. You have a customer that states the faxworks won't fax out. You
uninstall, reinstall, upgrade, whack the modem and ports, put them
back, check settings in BIOS, change acceleration speed.. all this and
then you ask... where is the document located???? Word?? Excel???
Faxworks??? To your dismay, they reply, "I slid the paper under my
computer and it's still there. It won't fax out." 

2. You say your spiel and say... can I have your name please and you
hear... "Hi.. I am eight years old and my dad just bought me my very
own computer. My parents thought I needed more memory so can you help
me install all 64 mg...and can you make my Epson scanner transfer
scanned bitmaps onto my zip drive. I have a resource conflict with my
com port I, and my modem won't connect me to the Internet video game
line in under three seconds. Are you ready to begin???" 

1. "PRESS "C" TO CONTINUE...should I do that ???? Oopps.. I pushed the
"Q" TO QUIT. Can we start over???" Then after the fourth time... you
say, "Hold one finger over the "C" key and DON'T TOUCH THE Q...." 

                    We love our customers, don't we??????
================================================
[From Chris Bovey, via "The Humour List"]

Dear Marj -

I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am
facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines,
and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi
literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail
for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under
anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself
and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket
Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known
streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful,
sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are
going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To
support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake
Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to
bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that
my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a
chance to meet them.

In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know
about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Worried in Altoona
================================================
[from http://www.esosoft.com/bestofhumor via GCFL]

Television should include an Emmy for best acting performance by a
television preacher.

I bet Mars had lots of water and lush vegetation before they cut down
their rain forest.

I'm so old that when I was young the Dead Sea was just sick.

Sign in a barber shop: Intelligent people talk about ideas, ordinary
people talk about things, and all people talk about other people.

My boss is on vacation this week and so am I.

Just wondering. Does a person ever get sick without being tired?

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will
leave a stain.

The world is full of willing people--some willing to work and some
willing to let them.

The latest news from Mars is that hundreds of Martians are phoning in
UFO sightings, but the government says they are just parachute test
dummies.

Mike Tyson said he has kids to raise. Now, that's a scary thought.

Slow bumpers in fast lanes attract tailgaters.

Why is it that the only place I can get grass to grow is in my flower
garden?

I received a bill for 35 cents. The company used a 32-cent stamp and
two of their printed envelopes. Should I tell them about their net
loss?

I don't know which is worse, a person who will argue about anything or
a person who is argue about nothing?

If Honeywell and Fairchild were to merge, would the new company be
called "Fair Well, HOney Child?"

My grandson asked me if I still look at young women and I said yes,
but I can't remember why.
================================================
[from Brian]

More tech support stories

(It quickly becomes obvious that some callers are severely
"mouse-challenged," and it can often cut call times to simply take
the mouse away from them and glue them to the keyboard with keyboard
shortcuts and cryptic command line entries. But it doesn't *always*
help....) 

Tech: "Thank you for calling [Megalith Software]. How may I help you?"
User: (kindly old grandmother type) "I can't install your software. I
tried to follow the instructions, but it just isn't working. Can you
please help me, young man?" 
Tech: "Sure! Are you using the diskette or the CD-ROM version of our 
software?" 
User: "The CD-ROM version." 
Tech: "Are you using Windows 95 or Windows 3.1?" 
User: "Windows 95." 
Tech: "OK, thanks. Please insert the disk into the CD-ROM drive, and 
close the tray." 
User: "OK, it's in there." 
Tech: "Please press Control and Escape...." 
User: "My Start Menu is showing...." 
Tech: "...and press the "R" key..." 
User: "I have..." 
Tech: "...and type "d:\setup" and then press the enter key." 
User: "It just gives me an error message, saying it can't find it."

[It has taken 10 minutes to get here. After another ten minutes of
working up the alphabet through various drive letters, making sure
that the colon is actually a colon, that the backslash is really a
backslash, and verifying the spelling of the Run line command, the
tech is struck by an inspiration....] 

Tech: "Let's remove the CD from the drive, and then I would like you
to inspect the shiny side for visible scratches or smudges. If we
clean them, you might be able to get the computer to read the setup
file." 
User: "I've taken it out. Do I have to slide this little metal 
shutter out of the way to see which side is shiny?" 
Tech: (after hitting mute and banging head on cubicle wall for 20 
seconds) "No, let's just insert it back into the computer and try 
typing a:\setup."
+---------------------------+
User: "I bought your fancy graphics card and my Windows display is
not better than it was before." 
Tech: "We had better look at the installation then." 
User: "You mean I have to install it?"

The graphics card was still in the box!
================================================
[two from Tom Bombadil]

  The Top 10 Surprise Revelations from the UN Earth Summit

10. Clinton stunned to learn that strip mining isn't a nudie card
game.

9.  Warring countries agree to post sign: "Second Hand Nerve Gas
Kills."

8.  Just what we all suspected: the highly endangered Komodo Dragon
tastes like chicken.

7.  Effects of nuclear winter can be reversed by giving Roger Ebert a
can of beans.

6.  "Greenhouse effect" replaced by more nice-sounding "sauna effect."

5.  Oddly enough, global warming gets worse during the Summer.

4.  In ten years, the lease is up and the Earth goes back to the
Chinese.

3.  It's a world of laughter, a world of tears; it's a world of hope
and a world of fears.

2.  At a conference on saving endangered whales, President Clinton
kept asking all the women if they'd like to see him free Willie.

And the #1 Surprise Revelation from the UN Earth Summit...

1.  It's round!
+----------------------------+
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and
President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them
thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to
the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the
fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz.  The Wizard is known
for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." 

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." 

Clinton speaks up. "Where's Dorothy?" 
================================================
[from Moatman and Brenda Daverin, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Some codewords used in magazines and newspapers. 

* Ruddy complexion: He's a drunk
* Formidable: She's a real battle-ax.
* Feisty: Short, female.
* Flamboyant: Homosexual.
* Controversial:  Did something bad we can't prove.
* Scandal-plagued:  Guilty.
* Informed source:  Reads the newspaper the reporter works for.
* Confirmed bachelor: See "flamboyant."
* Knowledgeable observer: The reporter.
* Recently: The reporter lost the press release.
* Self-styled:  Phony.
* Beloved:  Someone who's been around so long that nobody can stand
them anymore (e.g., Bob Hope). 
* Guru: See "self-styled." 
* Symptomatic:  Used to buoy a larger trend where no other evidence
exists. 
* Embattled: He should quit. 
* Venerable: Should be dead but isn't (e.g., George Burns, Barry 
Goldwater). 
* All-American: White kid in trouble 
* Troubled youth: He lit something on fire" 
* In recovery: Down to half their original dosage. 
* Good friend: Lover. 
* Power broker: Pushy bastard. 
* Wunderkind: Pushy bastard under the age of 35. 
* Can do no wrong: We wish he'd screw up and prove he's human (i.e., 
Tom Hanks). 
* Item: Went to dinner together in public once. 
* Whirlwind romance: Went to dinner together in public twice, then 
stopped. 
* Waif-like: Anorexic. 
* Pencil-thin: Bulimic. 
* Svelte: The fast is over tomorrow. 
* Getting chubby: Gained five pounds. 
* Fat: Gained ten pounds. 
* Free spirit: Ten pounds heavier than Sharon Stone and still wears 
knit dresses (i.e., Fran Drescher).
================================================
[ 3 short ones.  First is from Mark Huth]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride
slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on
the couch.  

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." 

"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she
exclaimed, close to tears. "To whom, and for how long?" 
+-------------------------------+
[from George]

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure.  Due to the fact that it had been hours
since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.  He ate and ate
and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly
away.  He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the
ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a
pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the
handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got  airborne, he would
be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a
rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

The moral to the story is:  Never, ever fly off the handle when
you're full of shit. 
+-------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth]

This practical joke works especially well if the groom has new shoes
for the wedding. Chalk or paint a simple but moving message on the
soles of the groom's shoes before he puts them on. Some- thing like
=Help= or =Take me away= would be appropriate. The message should be
written up by the heels of the shoes, where the sole doesn't touch
the ground, and where won't be scuffed off. As the couple kneels at
the front of the altar, the message can be read by all interested
parties. 
================================================
[from Fiona Marsden, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and starts
growing in the middle

Andes: Things at the end of your armies

Armies: The things you've got up your sleevies

Bashful: Retired Boxer

Bird Cage: Home Tweet Home

Blazer: Jacket that's on fire

Blooming Idiot: Stupid Florist

Cactus: Overgrown pin-cushion

Chair: Headquarters for Hindquarters

CID: Copper In Disguise

Cloak: Sound made by Chinese Flogs

Coconut: Someone who is crazy about hot chocolate.

Conceit: 'I' Strain

Diet: A triumph of mind over platter

Divine: What di grapes grow on

Double Dutch: Language spoken by twins in Holland

Egotist: One who likes mirrors but can't see what others see in them.

Etc: A sign used to make others believe you know more than you really
do

Eve: What you shout at the beginning of a tug-o-war.

Everest: Worlds laziest mountain

Flying Saucer: A dish that is out of this world

Friend: Someone with the same enemies as you

Half Wit: Someone who spends half his time cracking jokes

Hippies: The things you hang your leggies from.

Ice Cream: When you shout at the top of your voice

Jack-in-the-box: An open and shut case

Lesson: What you have when you take some clothes off.

Normalise: Good vision

X-ray: Belly vision

Zing: What you do with a zong.
================================================
[from Brian] Even more Tech Support stories

1)
How about this one. I was working in the lab (late one night :) and a
luser walked up and said her disk wouldn't work. I ask her for the
disk figuring i'd try it on my PC. 

It ends up the user had cut the disk from a 5 1/4 to a 3 1/2 and
thought it would still work.... I want to know how she got it out of
the drive 


2)
User: "My computer doesn't seem to work, the screen is blank."
Tech: "What's the monitor light status."
User: "It's orange and flashing."

(There's no signal from the pc to the monitor) 

Tech: "Please, check if the monitor cable is correctly plugged to the
computer." User: "Yes, it is." Tech: "Turn your computer off." User:
"Ok, now it's off." Tech: "Turn it back on." User: "It's on again, but
the problem persists."

(After having the customer turned his pc off and back on for several
times, another voice is heard by the phone:) Dad!! you are turning the
monitor on and off. You need to turn the PC on!!!

[Clank!] 

3)
Tech: "O.K I can help you install the software. Would you like me to
do that." 
User: "Yes." 
Tech: "Alright, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?" 
User: "How?" 
Tech: (Thinking quitely - this is going to be a long call) "Place the 
disk in the opening at the front of the computer." 
User: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do 
this?" 
Tech: "Um Yes, that might be an idea." 
================================================
[Several short ones from Dickibus, via REHU, followed by other short 
ones]

Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and
profits tell us what did happen.


Personally, I have a diversified portfolio. That's when your money
goes down the drain in six different sinks.


Employee:   "When will my raise become effective ???"
Boss:          "As soon as you are !!!"


One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the
belief that one's work is terribly important.
(Bertrand Russell)
+--------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]

What did the hamburgers name their baby girl?
Patty

What did the chefs name their son?
Stu

What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff

Where do books sleep?
Under their covers.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog - - a building can't jump.

What runs all over town but never comes inside?
The street.
================================================
[from HAND!]

On Lawyers and Politics

  My Attorney is brilliant. He didn't bother graduating from law
  school. He settled out of class !!!

  Only a lawyer could write documents with more than ten thousand
  words and call them briefs !!!

  "Do you believe in capital punishment ???"
  "Only if it's not to severe !!!"

  A Lawyer comes in handy when a felon needs a friend.

  A man walks past a grave and reads the writing on the tombstone. It
  says, "Here lies an attorney and an honest man." The man muses, "How
  did they get two of them in one Grave ???"

  One lawyer's client believed in reincarnation. In his will he left
  everything to himself !!!

  The most important thing in a campaigning is sincerity,
  whether you mean it or not !

  "Sir, if elected, what will you do about the prostitution bill ?"
  "I'll pay it !!!"

  A political machine is a device invented by men who
  don't like to work !

  You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time.
  During an election is just about often enough.


  It was shortly before the election. Reporters seemed
  to be having trouble getting one candidate to give straight
  answerers to questions. Finally they corned him and
  demanded a straight response to any question, not
  necessarily even a political question. One reporter asked,
  "What is your favorite color ? You can give us a straight
  answer to that, can't you ?"
     The candidate said, "Certainly. My favorite color is plaid !"

  Our candidate for Congress always puts his best
  foot forward -- as soon as he can get it out of his
  mouth !

  Nowadays a politician is a guy who divides his time
  between running for office and running for cover.


  Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six

   - 14 White House aides to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
        denying that the bulb is burned out.

   - 8 White House aides to blame the previous administration
   - 4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.
   - 243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of
        burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
            Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness
   - 1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.
   - 9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
        movie role in which they changed light bulbs.
   - 15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.
   - 103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
        really knows how to change a light bulb.
   - 1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
     federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
     has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
     childhood in Arkansas.
   - 42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb. - 1
   campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs. - 1 Vice
   President to inform us of the environmental impact of
        changing a light bulb.
   - 2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
        able to change their own light bulbs.
   - 1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
        can't be pinned on the Republicans.
   - 1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no
       one else knows anything about.
   - 5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
       correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the
       environment, doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't
       harm anyone during the installation, and is up to 1945
       specifications for light bulbs.


Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A: Four hundred and seventy one:

   - 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure
       of the old bulb;

   - 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry;

   - 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D;

   - 34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs; - 9
   to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start
        buying more 110-volt bulbs;
   - 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb; -
   41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in
        the building with night-vision gear instead;

   - And 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs,
        or screwing anything, on the Internet.
================================================
[forwarded by Theodora Davitt-Cornyn]

Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier


Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the
living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat,
but not in the living room.

Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but
not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats,
and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown
provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats
you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups,
you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry
such therein.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet
begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may
you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then
may you eat in the living room.


Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they
were.  Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.  Yes, even when you have an
interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an
abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,
nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if
you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be
sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table,
and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your
face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you
will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister
what is within; I say unto you, do not so, even if your brother or
your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize
the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to
wipe your lips. I say again unto you, do not touch it, but leave it as
it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw
not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that,
that is why.  And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not
do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the
other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed me; for
if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.  And now
behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.


Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have
dessert.  But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:

If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with
each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total
six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of
your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see,
then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the
potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas,
yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not
even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with
a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will
fall into iniquity.  And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.


On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.  If you are
given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other
are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling,
while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand;
but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the
server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning
is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain
from screaming.  Though the vileness overwhelms you, and causes you a
faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat,
neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose.  For
even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself,
yet do not die.


Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off.  For the stains are upon
you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.  And
in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to
see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.  Give each finger in
its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.  Lo, how
iniquitous they appear.  What I do is as it must be; and you shall
not go hence until I have done.


Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.  Neither drink of your
own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet
on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against
cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
afflict it with tape?  And hum not the humming in your nose as I
read, nor stand between the light and the book.  Indeed, you will
drive me to madness.  Nor forget what I said about the tape. 
================================================
