8/16/97

[forwarded by Mark Huth.  Some are repeats, some are new - and I'm 
too lazy to weed them...]

GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their
beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by
physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in
mid-sentence.

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.

Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on,
looking for references to one's own name.

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
running .

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an
ill-advised activity. Trashing your  boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM.

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
you've just made a big mistake.

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny .

Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation
from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the
rest were tourists."

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from
the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social
skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered
by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent
six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito
Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line
service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you.  AOL
put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice
that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in
both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the
San Francisco Chronicle..."

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer
that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like
hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and
talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information
effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik
bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative
connotations.

Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a
long time.  A dead web page.

It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish
to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This
one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around
here."

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere
are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
were designed to solve.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and
established.

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located
-- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Stogie (sto-gee)

Slang term for Cigar 

Though the word stogie sounds like it is part of the Hobo vocabulary,
many people who have IQ's above 50 also use the term. the word Stogie
finds its roots in ancient Latin and is a derivitive of Boniphilum
Stogimitimus the Latin term for "Get Help! the Chemical Factory is On
FIRE!" though modern Stogies rarely emit toxic vapors when lit, the
smoke of the tabacco is considered to be both habit forming and
cancer causing. Luckily, for the tabacco companies it takes a long
time to kill the smoker. So smokers can spend lots of money on
Stogies before they loose the will to live and die. Cigarettes though
having tabacco as one the ingredients, has far more toxic man-made
compounds in their construction. So Now, everytime a cigarette is
lit, someone is likely to yell out... 

BONIPHILUM STOGIMITIMUS!!!



Time (thyme)

A series of instants that started hella long ago, and is likely to go
on for a while. Though travelling through time at a different rate of
speed than everything else (typically referred to as "Time Travel")
is not yet a technical possibility, the thought of doing so, is highly
useful in turning otherwise boring movies into at least somewhat
interesting ones. 

EXAMPLE: Without time travel, the hit movie Back To The Future would
have been a 15 minute short subject possibly titled "Marty McFly: A
Goofy Young Man, With A Simple Little Life" The Movie Timecop would
just be Cop and the producers would likely have been sued by the
makers of the fine television program entitled Cops. 



Clock (klok)

Typically, a mechanical device used to measure units of time since
time started being measured.(generally accepted to have been 543
years ago). Clocks prior to 1454, were nothing more than clever
versions of boat anchors, it was thought that the constant ticking of
the anchor would ward off the evil spirits that lurked in the icy
depths below a ship that was stopped. 



Russian Roulette (rushin-roo'-let)

A kids game, ironically, rarely played by Russian's. Unlike it's Las
Vegas counterpart, the odds of winning are very slim. But loosing can
spoil an otherwise perfectly good day. 



Nerd (nird) ... see 'Bill Gates' 
================================================
[forwarded by Maureen Jais-Mick.  Many of these are repeats, but I'm 
too lazy to weed.  Besides, YOU may not remember them!]

PCMCIA    People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN      It Still Does Nothing

APPLE     Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI      System Can't See It

DOS       Defective Operating System

BASIC     Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM       I Blame Microsoft

DEC       Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM    Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2      Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW       World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
  Hangs

PENTIUM   Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect 
  Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL     Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA     A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP      Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS      Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS   Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO      Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only
 (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

When someone says to you, "You don't know Jack Schitt"--You can now
prove them wrong because you'll know all about Jack Schitt.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, the
fertlizer magnate who married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth.  Next came
twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.  Deep Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.  Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt
and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.  Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt
married the Happens Brother.  The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg
Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Cowe Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married his second cousin, Pisa Schitt.  They await
the arrival of Little Schitt.

Now you know all about Jack Schitt. 
================================================
[from "InJesusName", via "A Joke A Day"]

Kids Do Tell The Truth!

In Mexico City, 7,500 feet above sea level, it is rarely hot, but one
day, years ago, was a scorcher. Trying to cope with the heat, our
youngest daughter, Debbie, shed all but her panties. "Debbie, what
are you doing running around half naked?" I asked. "Well," she
replied, "you want me to be half decent, don't you?" --Thomas E.
Fountain~~Vidalia, Georgia

My husband and I teach children's church. I was telling the boys and
girls, ranging in age from four to eleven, that we all are born in
sin, but by grace are saved through faith. One of the younger girls
first looked puzzled, then said quite seriously, "I wasn't born in
sin. I was born in November." --Peggy Jones~~Marion, Virginia

A friend of my eleven-year-old son called one day, announcing he had a
problem with spiritual warfare. I asked him what I could do to help,
and he replied he wanted to speak with my son, Scott. Proud  that my
son was being asked for spiritual advice, I later made a point to ask
him how the conversation went. "Oh, fine," Scott replied. "He just
needed help getting to the next level of the 'Spiritual Warfare'
Nintendo game." --Chris Johnson~~Britt, Minnesota

My four-year-old daughter had just learned to dial the phone
unassisted. To her delight, I gave her my husband's work number and
told her to surprise Daddy.  A few seconds later, she was back in the
kitchen. "Did you talk to Daddy?" I asked.  "He couldn't come to the
phone," she said, "because he's in the bushes."  Puzzled, I called the
number. My husband's voice mail greeting solved the mystery. "Hi, this
is Dave. I'm out in the plant right now ..." --Judie Gulley~~Orion,
Illinois

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four." --Elizabeth Sphar~~Green Valley, Arizona
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

The Blues (the Blooz) 

A popular type of music that is best when it makes you feel bad.
Usually, performed by a seated musician, with a guitar, the Blues can
be just as sad when performed by a young healthy performer who has
good grammar. 



Sea Monkey's (See Mun-keyz)

A community of small creatures that YOU bring to life from a foil
pouch and a cup of water with salt in it. When you get your
Sea-Monkeys home from the toy store, don't be disappointed if your
kit doesn't produce the thriving community that's depicted on the
enticing packaging art. In fact, only 3 out of 100 packages actually
produce Sea-Monkeys intelligent enough to communicate with you, form
weapons and build castles. Fun Tip: Next time you start a Sea-Monkey
community, try decorating the brine with Country/Western boots and
clothing... If you're lucky, You may get a crop that is not only fun
to watch, but will likely be able to teach you to Line Dance! 



Nylon (knie-lon)

A form of plastic invented by DuPont in 1936 that has a tensile
strength 10 times that of steel Not only is nylon 10 times stronger
than Steel...It also tastes 10 times better!

Due to its tremendous strength, light weight, resilience to extremes
of hot and cold conditions (not to mention, the fact most alien space
craft are made entirely of nylon.)

It is easy to see that nylon is the perfect material to use in the
manufacture of both pantyhose and Polaris Missiles.. 



Battery (BAT-er-eeee)

A device capable of storing electrical energy. The first batteries
were used by the Ancient Mayans to run their candles. A typical
candle used 3 AA size batteries (manufactured by Gomez Rayovack, a
prominent plastic surgeon in the tribe). The battery powered candle
was common for nearly 200 years. Then one day, the Mayan King was
visited by a friendly extra-terrestrial named Pohn-Schwey.
Pohn-Schwey, bestowed upon the king many pieces of scientific
knowledge. The most noteworthy being that Candles have a wick, and
will operate WITHOUT Batteries!!! The Mayan King did not believe Pohn
Schwey's "foolish notion" and accused him of practicing Black Magic,
Witchcraft, and Space Travel (all three, punishable by death). After
a lengthy court battle, Pohn Swchwey was found guilty of all three,
and put to death by Pyramid Climbing. Where the victim must climb a
500 foot pyramid repeatedly until they die of exhaustion. A typical
world-class athlete, such as Carl Lewis could withstand nearly 2
climbs. Pohn-Schwey lasted 12 climbs which, ironically, also made him
guilty of being 'super-human' ...a crime punishably by death. (to
carry out the additional sentence, slaves dragged Pohn-Schwey's
corpse up and down the pyramid twice. (the slaved died in the
effort))

2-Weeks later, the Mayan King was admiring the latest shipment of
candles and noticed the string protruding from the tops of every
candle. Curious, he touched the flame from his Bic Lighter to
it...And sure enough, it emitted a flame and continuous light! In
just the way Pohn-Schwey had described..... Though, this 'fire
powered' Candle did not detect Gamma Radiation, as well as it does
when powered by battery the ability to provide light was by far the
most important property of the device.

The Mayan King feeling tremendous remorse for the unfortunate
accusation, and subsequent execution of his dear friend, Pohn-Schwey,
that he took his own life that night...by means of Pyramid Eating.
NOTE: During this period in Mayan history, Pyramid Eating was a
common form of execution. However, Mayan executioners had overlooked
the fact that Pyramid Eating was a crime punishable by death!. As a
result, The Kings body was dragged up and down the Pyramid twice.
Luckily, Suicide was no longer a crime...punishable by death. 

With no other use for the battery, it's popularity diminished and was
soon a forgotten technology. 

Editors Note: 50 years later, it was discovered that 'Communicating
with Aliens' was a capitol offense. And the Mayan Kings body was
exhumed, and his skeleton was burned at the stake (a perfectly legal
form of execution). 

Many Mayans (all but 4 actually) were very concerned that some of
their day to day activities may be discovered to be crimes,
punishable by death. So the fled the city and traveled West in ships
of their own design, until they landed in Hawaii where they were
greeted by friendly natives that had never seen a Ray Gun
before....But the rest is a fact for another day. 
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

     You Dora, Me Tarzan:  E-mail and the Male Organ
            Or, Why is E-mail like a Penis?


Some folks have it, some don't.  
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
They think it gives them power.  
They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but 
think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up,
but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was
to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be
used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day 
if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people.
Some people take this interaction seriously, others treat it as a
lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing
with, until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures,
it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
If you use it too much, 
you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your
behavior.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble. It has its own agenda. Left to its own devices, it will just
do the same things it did before. Later, you may ask yourself "why on
earth did I do that?"

[And this message was NOT sent using Eudora software...]
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Mentosr (men-TOES)

A refreshing Mint Candy Though Mentos are known the world over as The
Fresh Maker. Very few confectioneries are aware of some of the
chemical properties of this treat. 

1) No fewer than 3 Radioactive elements are used in its production 2)
The Sassy teens portrayed in the popular Television Commercials are
actually Men and women in there late 80's who are made to look young
by ingesting vast quantities of the candy. 3) Grinding the candy into
a fine powder and adding in some Ginseng Root, the formula becomes a
powerful aphrodisiac. (as evident when viewing the commercials). 4)
The fresh taste effectively conceals the scent of burning sulfur. 



GHOST (gost)

A Free roaming vapor, typically the tortured spirit of a           
deceased individual. Much that is know about ghosts is from data
gathered by Dr. Peter Venkman in the Early 1980's. Though ghosts can
be very frightening, they will usually go away if you give them some
cash for cigarettes. Usually, $10 is enough to drive a ghost from
your home. (or $15 to drive them away from a friends Home). 



AXIOM (axe-ee-um)

A property that can always be assumed to be true For Example: 5 = 5
is always true! NOTE: There is a team of Scientists who test all
Axioms before they are issued, The Axiom stated above "5=5" has been
designated AX-2346667-BZ. And took 7 years to be thoroughly tested
and proven. 



Bunsen Burner (bun-sin bur-ner)

An outlet to capture and ignite trapped gas in school walls When most
schools are built, a geological survey is conducted to determine
where gas pockets are likely to form. These areas are usually
designed to be Chemistry and Physics labs. The builders of the school
will equip these rooms with Bunsen Burners to help rid the walls of
explosive methane as well as to give the kids something to burn
during school time. 



Chickenium (chi-KENNY-um)

A delicious isotope of Einsteinium. Highly toxic.



Photon (faux-tawn)

A packet of light Photons come in 10oz boxes And in a handy Family
size. They are credited with activating Photo-tint prescription
glasses and keeping the Hubble Telescope juiced up. You can also make
one mean torpedo out of 'em. 



Peking Man (pea-king man)

An evolutionary predecessor to Homo Sapien (Modern Man) Usually
stinking of gin, Peking Man would come home late from hunting parties
empty handed, only to complain about the lack of food in the
community shelter. Fire was introduced during Peking Mans rein on the
planet, But it was only used to remove body hair. Only after a mishap
at the Barber was it discovered that Fire could be used in cooking as
well. Peking Man is also credited with being the worlds first
Cannibals. 



Philosipher (fill-oss-i-fir)

A person (typically) who summarizes human experience into eloquent
description You can recognize a Philosipher by their pale complexion
and frail build. Philosophers spend a lot of time thinking, and not
much doing. Though you would not last long in an argument with
one...you can certainly kick their ass in arm wrestling. 



Periodic Table Of Elements

(peer-ee-odd-ik tay-bel ov elly-mints) A Handy chart listing all the
known elements of the universe. All form of matter is made up of
elements contained in this table: From Diamond To Listeriner . So, one
can think of the Periodic Table as an Universal Recipe without
quantities or cooking times. 
================================================
[from Ace UMC, via REHU]

So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for
a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good
golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for me."

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says: "See you next Saturday. But I
may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine,
so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be
about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us
either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I
play left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers. 
================================================
[from STEPHEN SMITH, via EcuLaugh]

>From a friend of our church secretary:


I have noticed with growing alarm a growing state of confusion
surrounding the distribution of communion.  As someone with a keen
interest in the correct  and  proper procedures, let me take a few
moments and explain EXACTLY how things are supposed to work.

All baptized persons are welcome to receive  Holy Communion as long as
they believe in the Real Presence of Christ as either Risen Lord,
Rabbinic Authority, Holy Spirit Person, or Great Ethical Teacher.

After this is confirmed by recitation of the Catechism and Augsberg
Confession  from memory, you may proceed to the altar rail.

If  you  prefer  to  receive communion under the conventional species
of Bread (St. Mary's   Convent,   Wahoo, Nebraska) and Wine (Ernest
and Julio Gallo  Classic  Port, California, 1994) please stand or
kneel with your hands by your sides at the rail.

If the nitrates in the port induce nasal congestion a light Chablis
(Sutter Home, 1993) or Zinfandel Paul Mason, April) is offered
depending on availability. Please indicate this preference by placing
your right hand behind your head.

Two  non-alcoholic  selections options are also offered. For red grape
juice (Tucker's Berry Farms), place your  left hand behind your head.
If you prefer a white, pasteurized grape juice product, kindly place
both hands behind your head.  To express solidarity with oppressed
farm workers in the grape industry, place both hands tightly over your
mouth and hum "Les Marseille".

To receive an ordinary, unleavened communion wafer kindly wink your
right eye as the minister approaches. For a certified organic,
whole-grain wafer, wink your left eye. For low salt, low fat bread,
close both eyes for the remainder of the service. For gluten-free
bread, blink both eyes rapidly while staring at the ceiling.

Children may receive a blessed animal cracker by showing the minister
that they can cross their eyes. Parents who are concerned about the
violence implied in eating animal shaped foods may join a support
session that will try, to lobby the church for change. It meets in the
Parish Hail on Tuesday evenings after the C.S. Lewis Reading Group.

Unfortunately, we have had to discontinue the distribution of blessed
Gummy Bears to the children after Billy Watson's recent diagnosis of
A.D.D.   We are sure everyone understands how traumatic it would be
for him to receive his toasted rice cake while all other children were
chewing their Gummy Bears.

Next, a word on consumption of the host.  If it is your custom and
preference to have the Precious Body placed in your hands, please cup
them together in front of you. If you are expressing a wine
preference, the minister will allow you ample time change  postures.  
If you  feel uncomfortable holding the Lord in your hands, simple
assume the baby bird  position  as  the  minister approaches. Be sure
not to extend your neck so far that the server cannot see your eyelids
by which you will express your bread preference.

Finally, for those with airborne allergies you should know that the
Associate Rector wears large amounts of Royal Copenhagen given to him
by his mother at Christmas.. The Rector may or may not be wearing
cologne, but her mother has been known to wash her cassock in scented
laundry detergent and dry it with a Downy sheet in the machine. The
Deacon is wearing all cotton garments washed in pure, organic soap and
rinsed with mountain spring water. She is wearing no scented products
and  scrubs  her  hands  with antibacterial soap approved for use in
neonatal intensive care nurseries.

At St. George's it is our commitment to see that the worship
experience will be as meaningful, efficient, and error free as
possible.  In this vein, an electronic billboard will soon be
installed in over the altar outlining these instructions.  Please note
that traditional options flash in blue and organic food options flash
in orange for easy reference.

If anyone has any additional questions about worship, please join me
for coffee in the Parish Hall where I will be beginning a 32 week
series entitled "Identifying 13th Century Monastic Communities Through
Hair and Garment Analysis"
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

From: Ask Mr. Science Man:


Q: Dear MR.Science Man,

With all the wonderful medicines and drugs that are now available, what
can be done about Mickey Mouse's (Should that be Mice?) voice? Is this
the side effect of some terrible experiment carried out by uncle Walt?
Can they never have children? Should we tell Chris Carter?

                 Andrew 

A: Boy, you have a lot on your mind! 

First Off... YES, you should notify Chris Carter. Next, NO Walt and
Mickey cannot have children together... Walt is dead. And Mickey is an
drawing. Mickey's voice is a product of genetic imagine-eering (a term
coined by Walt), A standard human being was forced to look at a picture
of Mickey Mouse then speak as he thought Mickey would. At precisely this
same time one of Walts henchmen would take a 4 pound sledge to the bare
toes of the unsuspecting speaker. Some of the voices that were rejected
were, Bob Denver (of Gilligan's Island fame) and Jim Neighbors (the
legendary Gomer Pile). Though the final voice was perfect, it did
require the actor to receive many sharp blows to the feet and other
body part's as time went on.

And the final part of your question regarding 'wonderful drugs'. Many
drugs can be quite effective in correcting Mickey's voice if you take
them at least 30 minutes prior to watching a Mickey Mouse Cartoon. 
================================================
[from Gregory Singleton, via REHU]

How long, O Sysop?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide my URLs from me?
How long shall I have perplexity in my
Netscape And grief in my TCP, day after day?
How long shall "Forbidden" triumph over me?

Look upon me and answer me, O Sysop;
Give permission to my pages, less I sleep in death;

Lest those who seek me on the Web say,
"Netscape has prevailed over him"
and my foes rejoice that I am "Forbidden."

But I put my trust in your mercy;
My heart is joyful because of your saving help.

I will sing to the Sysop,
For he has dealt with me richly;
I will praise his name.
================================================
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

COLLECTED QUOTES FROM READER'S DIGEST

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you.
When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.  -
Alisha Everett

Overheard in a brokerage:  "I worry about economists who are so young
that they think the Great Depression was ended by Prozac."

When a friend asked his six-year-old brother why babies are spanked
when they are born, the youngster replied, "To get them used to it." 
--Doug Belknap & Chad Goodwin

Veterinarian examining cat to cat's owner:  "I'm afraid we'll have to
keep him overnight.  Are you going to need a loaner?"  --M. Twohy

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where
they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.  --P. J.
O-Rourke

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how
close to the road the stuff is placed.  --Mary F. Lindahl's Husband

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. 
--The Lion

Bank officer to couple:  "Do you have any collateral other than this
letter from Ed McMahon?"  --Martin J. Bucella
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

..The Barnacle...

This fun loving, calcium encased creature of the deep, makes a great
pet! That is to say, they make a better pet than meal. Most of the
recipes I've found for baracles all seem to start with removing the
shell. This can be a time consuming process, and there is very little
meat on a barnacle. It is also difficult to not to snack on the
little darlings while shucking them. 

But, at least it's easier than shucking a pound of coral meat. 



...The Spitting Box Turtle...

Unlike, his sedate, non-toxic brethren The Spitting Box Turtle is
perhaps, One of natures most sublime killers. Stalking its prey with
the stealth and grace of a Peregrine Falcon. The 'Spitter' can strike
at a moments notice. It's effective spitting range is an impressive
30'. When the Spitter spots a potential victim he'll rear back on his
Formidable, yet petite, haunches (The Spitting Box Turtle measures
only 4 inches in diameter) and let loose with a powerful shrieking
fury venomous, orally aspirated, spray that Would put to shame any of
the most wicked of hell-spawned demons ever imagined my mortal men
(with the possible exception of Phyllis Diller). This species of
turtle is indigenous to the Mountains of Iowa and is migratory. 

"... And with disdainful wave of his majestic hand, the lord set upon
the Earth, a beast of unimaginable terror. May heaven help the
creature who falls out of favor with the Spitting Box Turtle. -
Audubon 4:27 



...The Crane...

Named after the popular piece of construction equipment, The Crane
has little in common with its iron and steel counterpart. In fact,
besides the use of titanium alloy in their beak's there in no metal
at all in a crane. This subtle nuance is what makes the crane so hard
to pick-up on radar. Their sleek bodies and lack of metal skeletal
structure make the crane as lovely as they are deadly. Sometimes
Cranes are confused for Terns. However, the Tern is composed nearly
entirely of Iron and is no match for a Crane in battle. In fact, if
in doubt during an attack, see if a magnet will stick to them. Another
useful tip is to keep a compass handy, as while a flock of Terns are
swarming a compass needle will spin wildly, BUT, during a Crane
attack, the needle will hold steady on North. So let the needle
pointing North remind you of your impending doom, otherwise relax and
watch the beautiful Tern Swarm. 



...The Killer Marmoset...

This rare breed of marmoset is indigenous to New Hampshire, The
average specimen weighs in at nearly 3 oz. with almost 2/3 of that
being Tooth and Claws leaving a scant 1 oz for other organs such as
Brain, Bones, Skin, Blood, Pancreas and muscle tissue. Though the
Killer Marmoset has razor sharp teeth, it lacks the strength to open
its mouth wide enough to bite. This is a lucky thing for the Grizzly
Bear since the favorite prey of the Killer Marmoset is the Grizzly.

In a typical hunting formation of Killer Marmosets consisting of 4 to
5 hundred thousand Bull Males and 15 juveniles a Grizzly is stalked,
Linking elbows a strand of marmosets form a trip wire. The
unsuspecting bear stumbles over the line and topples helplessly into
the waiting jaws of the clan. With any luck the Grizzly is not angered
by the action and allows the clan of marmosets to feast on its fur
for several days. By this time the Grizzly tires of the ordeal and
moves on, while the Killer Marmoset's that survived, congratulate
each other in a 'High-Five' ritual that has been adopted by many
sports fans in North America.

Killer Marmoset Serving instructions: 
   1) Remove Teeth, Claws and Bones. 
   2) Now that the animal is disarmed, you may interrogate the 
creature (otherwise continue cooking preparation). 
   3) Batter-Dip and Deep Fry 
   4) When a golden brown hue is achieved, remove from oil. 
   5) Serve over a bed of white rice. 

Strangely enough the favorite food of the Grizzly Bear is 'Deep Fried
Killer Marmoset'! So invite a bear over for dinner and enjoy the
feast. 
================================================
[from Paul Reps' _Zen Flesh, Zen Bones_, via Tom Bombadil]

Provided he makes and wins an argument about Buddhism with those who
live there, any wandering monk can remain in a Zen temple. If he is
defeated, he has to move on.

In a temple in the northern part of Japan, two brother monks were
dwelling together. The elder one was learned, but the younger one
was stupid and had but one eye.

A wandering monk came and asked for lodging, properly challenging
them to a debate about the sublime teaching. The elder brother, tired
that day from much studying, told the younger one to take his place.
"Go and request the dialogue in silence," he cautioned.

So the young monk and the stranger went to the shrine and sat down.

Shortly afterwards, the traveler rose and went in to the elder
brother and said: "Your young brother is a wonderful fellow. He
defeated me."

"Relate the dialogue to me," said the elder one.

"Well," explained the traveler, "first I held up one finger,
representing Buddha, the enlightened one.  So he held up two
fingers, signifying Buddha and his teaching. I then held up three
fingers, representing Buddha, his teaching, and his followers, living
the harmonious life. Then he shook his clenched fist in my face,
indicating that all three come from one realization. Thus he won and
so I have no right to remain here." 

With this, the traveler left.

"Where is that fellow?" asked the younger one, running in to his
elder brother.

"I understand you won the debate."

"Won nothing. I'm going to beat him up."

"Tell me the subject of the debate," asked the elder one.

"Why, the minute he saw me, he held up one finger, insulting me by
insinuating that I have only one eye! Since he was a stranger, I
thought I would be polite to him. So I held up two fingers,
congratulating him that he has two eyes. Then the impolite wretch
held up three fingers, suggesting that between us we only have three
eyes. So I got mad and started to punch him, but he ran out, and that
ended it!" 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

...The Woolly Mammoth...

Rarely in the animal kingdom is an animal named without actually
having a real name. Typically, you'll encounter descriptive words
followed the animal type as in: Silver Back Mountain Gorilla. The
name of the thing is Gorilla, while Silver, Back and Mountain,
describe, what it is made out of, where it stores its young, and the
time zone where they live (respectively).

In the case of the Woolly Mammoth there is no actual
name...essentially, the creature could just as well be called a
"Furry Big". 

Though the name implies the presence of Wool the Mammoth is actually
covered with a variety of grass that thrives in Icy conditions.
During the Ice Age man would harvest this grass in a shearing process
much like that used on modern day sheep. The tasty grass was
collected and brewed into a fine tea, and shared among the clan. 

The Bald mammoth would be returned to the wild where the grass
quickly grew back. Later it was discovered that the enormous tusks
could be used to fashion musical instruments like the flute and
banjo). At this point the Mammoth was hunted to near extinction. And
today only a few specimens remain usually disguised as Museum
exhibits. (if you watch long enough...they'll move) 



...The Mummy...

Though commonly mistaken for a "dead" person, Mummies are primarily
arboreal. Indigenous to the more heavily forested part of the Giza
Plateau. Mummy-young don't leave the nest until adolescence
(typically 4-6 Months in age). At this time in the Mummies life,
career opportunities are scarce, as humans in management positions
have a primal fear of that which looks like a dried and long dead
person. This unfortunate stereotype, only serves to foster the
adolescents interest in crime and prostitution. Many Mummies adopt
this life style while others join the ranks of professional
wrestling, following the wrestling great known simply as La Mumia. La
Mumia struck terror into the hearts of many an opponent. Famous for
his unceasing stalkc, La Mumia could crush an opponent with a single
blow. Needless to say this kind of charismatic role model, though not
the best for a growing Mummy, it is preferable to life in the seedy
underbelly the rest of the Mummy population is forced to endure. 



...The Rhinoceros...

The two main varieties of rhinoceros are the White and Black Rhino.
Strangely enough, These species are NOT named for their color! 

A White rhino is actually, a Greyish-Tan and the Black rhino is Blue. 

Both of these majestic beasts are named for their discoverers; Col.
Jessep Black and Sir Philip Write. You are probably asking
yourself..."...Why isn't Mr. Writes rhino called a Write rhino?"... 

Well...It's like this: You see, Mr. Write was suffering from a severe
case of Malaria at the time he discovered his rhino...And as a
result, his penmanship was suffering horribly...when his New Animal
Registration Form was received at the Beaurau Of New Animal Registry
(BONAR), The Clerk mistook the "R" in Write for an "H" and entered
that into the computer...

6 to 8 weeks later when Mr. Write received his Confrimation Of New
Animal Naming (CONAN) he was unable to read it, as he had died 2
weeks earlier (having succumbed to Malaria). 

So now we enjoy the 'Black' and 'White' Rhinos...And now only you and
I (and a Clerk at BONAR) know the truth of this mis-named creature. 



...The Cat...

Very little is known about Cats. Except that have lots of fur and no
brain.

Here are some handy uses for cats!

1) Arrange them in harmonic order and play songs by stepping on their
tails. (This works best if they are still alive) 

2) Restring your fiddle. 

3) Take the 2 Marbles (cleverly named after their optical receptors) 

4) Some cultures consider Cat Feet to be good luck... Find one of
these cultures and sell them the feet. 

5) Rub their fur and watch sparks jump from their nose to metal
objects. 

6) Count the number of lives...(See if any actually have 9) You'll
probably find the average is 1. 

7) Place them behind the tire of your car to keep it from rolling
down hill. 

8) Oven Mitts. 
================================================
[from HAND!]

             History of Mathematical Education

 1940: A farmer sells 1 sack of potatoes for 2 dollars...
                      2 sacks for 4 dollars
                      3 for 6
                      4 x 2 = 8
                      5 x 2 = 10 ...
       How much would the farmer receive for 9 sacks?
       (show all arithmetic work)
       How much would the farmer receive for 3.5 sacks
       at 2.75 dollars per sack?
       How much would the farmer receive for 4.2 sacks
       at 3.02 dollars per sack?
       How much would the farmer receive for 7.67 sacks
       at 5.98 dollars per sack?

 1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00.  The cost
       of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit?

 1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00.  The cost
       of producing it is $1.60. Please figure out the profit.

 1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of
       money (B).  B is the set of all parts of B for which
       is: B is a dime.  In the dash-set, you have to for
       the set of B, do (////////////////////) twenty small
       dashes, one for each dime. The set of the cost of
       producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes.
       Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give
       the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the
       question: What size has the profit set.

 1980: A farmperson sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00. The cost
       of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is $1.60.  The
       profit is 1/5, equal to $0.40.
       Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your
       math study group.

 1990: A farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of $2.00.
       These potatoes can not be exported due to foreign trade
       barriers and New World Order global policy.  But, the US
       Government will buy them for $1.60 at taxpayers expense and
       ship them to any country that is at war with itself and/or its
       neighbor. How many potatoes will this farmer have to fry at
       MacDonalds in order to qualify this as a career move after
       retraining at the government's expense? 

       Multiple choice: 
        a). is that a LARGE fries? 
        b). this answer will be considered a correct answer by all 
who have been deprived of the background experiences necessary to 
know the difference between growing potatoes and frying potatoes.     
        c). would ye lik somthin to drink with that?
        d). there are insufficient facts to derive more than a 
theoretical exegesis of the presently evolving social structure.      
        e). is that fer here or ta go?

 2000: A US farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of
       2000 yen......
================================================
[forwarded by Mark Huth, via REHU]

8/6/97

Jobs, Satan announce deal

"The era of competition between good and evil is over," Steve Jobs
told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today.  "We have to let go
of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish."

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac
community, Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and
Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan
will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the current
market price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use his
control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any
way." Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in
any of the immortal souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits
of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing
major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for
at least the next five years.  A collaboration on destroying the Sun
is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that
an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The
Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock lept 30 pieces of
silver over the previous day's high.
+---------------------------------------+ 
[From: Paul Littlefield, via REHU]

There will be a special screening tonight of the classic movie
musical, "No, No, Listette," starring the inimitable (fortunately)
Doris Day and Mickey Rooney.  The showing is to benefit the Royal
Rehuvian St. Jude Home for the Cyber-Deficient.

The film the story of a group of bored kids who decide to put on a
network in the barn, in order to have some- thing fun to do. 
Produced and directed by "Data" Bus Berkeley, the movie is noted for
its beloved production numbers, of which "T-2 for Two," "That's Why
the Data is a Tramp,"  and "Mary Had a Little RAM" are the best known.

Berkely, who went on to direct more serious work in later years, is
perhaps best known for another classic, the thriller "Video," which
starred Kim Novak and James Stewart as the PCI bus driver. 
+--------------------------------------+
[From Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

Portion of court transcript from a murder trial:

Defense Attorney interrogating witness (the coroner):  Before you
signed the death certificate, did you check the man's pulse?

Coroner:  No.

Attny:  Before you signed the death certificate, did you check the
man's breathing?

Coroner:  No.

Attny:  Before you signed the death certificate, did you check the
man's heart?

Coroner:  No.

Attny:  Then can't we safely assume that when you signed the death
certificate, you were not really sure if the man was, in fact, dead?

Coroner:  Well.......his brain was in a jar on my table....BUT!!---I
suppose it could be possible that he was still alive and impersonating
an attorney..... 
================================================
[forwarded by Maria Rocco]

	        SAM'S VERSION OF THE GOOD SAMARITAN

A young man in a Southern state desired to enter the ministry. He
went to a Minister to be exacmined, and the following conversation
took place.

Can you read, Sam? No sir. Can you write? No but my wife is a pretty
good writer. Well Sam, do you know your Bible? Yes sir, I am pretty
smart in the Bible sir. And what part of the Bible do you prefer? I
like the New Testament sir. And what part of the New Testament do
you like? I like the book of Mark sir. And what do you like about
Mark? I like the Parables, sir. And what one of the parables is your
choice? Well sir, I like the parable of the good Samaritan the best,
sir. Well Sam, will you tell us the parable of the good Samaritan?
Yes sir!

Once upon a time a man was going from Jerusalem to Jericho and he
fell among thorns. The thorns growed up and choked him. And he
didn't have no money, and he met the Queen of Sheba and she gave him
one thousand talents of gold and one hundred changes of money. He got
into a chariot and drove away furiously, and while he was driving
under a big juniper tree, his hair got caught in a limb of the tree;
and he hung there, and he hung there for many days, and the ravens
brought him food to eat and water to drink, and he ate five thousand
loaves and two small fishes. And one night while he was hanging
there asleep, his wife Delilah came along and cut off his hair. And
he dropped and he fell on stony ground, but he got up and he went on.
And it began to rain, and it rained forty days and forty nights, and
he hid himself in a cave and lived on locusts and wild honey. Then
he met a servant who said, "Come take supper at my house", but he
made excuses and said, "No, I married a wife and can't come." So the
servant went out into highways and hedges and compel them to in.
After supper, he went on and on and came to Jericho. And when he got
there, he looked and saw Queen Jezebel sitting away up high in a
window. And he said, "Throw her down out of there: and they throwed
her down. And he said, " Throw her down again, " and they throw her
down again. And he said, "Throw her down some more." And they throw
her down seventy times seven and said, Blessed are the peacemakers.
Now whose wife do you think she will be on the judgement day? 
================================================
Remember a while back, when I sent out a description of a program that
Tom Roush had tried to send me?  It had a bridge on it, and when you
tried to exit, you got about 20 successive messages before you
*finally* got out.

I now have a COPY of the PROGRAM, thanks to Brian!  It runs on Windows
3.1 and Windows 95, but not on Macintosh.  If you want a copy, just
ask.
================================================
[From E. Fischer, via "The Humour List"]

Subject: Top 15 Signs That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple

15> Apple's stock fell only 25% last week.  

14> Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.

13> Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."  

12> Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates
as toilet paper.  

11> Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"  

10> Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now,
even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.  

9> Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored
worm.  

8> Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac
technology... uh, wait a minute...  

7> Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's
corporate HQ.  

6> Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.

5> Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple
pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic
act of global  domination.  

4> Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in Gates's driveway.  

3> Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at Bill's
house.  

2> New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of 
B. Gates" tattoo on butt.  

1> Bill Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no  
longer attends.
================================================
[the first is from David A Danforth, via "Just Too Funny!"]

I read this on a copy machine in church. I tried to copy it but I
coulden't (see below) so I memorised it.

       Warning!

This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical
needs.

A special circut in the machine called a 'critical detector' senses
the operator's emotional state in termes of how despret he or she is
to use the machine. The 'critical deector' then creates a
malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator.
Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation.
Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also
malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice
things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.

Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry. 
+-----------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, via REHU]

An Israeli train was recently robbed.  The thiefs got a way with $200
in cash, and $50000 in pledges............
+------------------------------------+
[from Bunny, via "Wit & Wisdom"

Dr. Cutter is a Veterinarian in Maine, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.  After almost an hour of prying,
pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who
asked what she owed.  "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.  "Why
that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's wrong with you
Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

...The Dragon...

Only 6 species of Dragons are actually carnivorous. Though depicted
in folklore as cold-blooded man-killers, only 13% of the entire
dragon population ever actually consumed humans (on a regular basis).
Most are actually, vegetarian or only eat small sheep. The
carnivorous 'Red' Dragon is far more dominant than other species and
can usually persuade the more peace loving 'Green', 'Howler', 'Pigmy'
and 'Pot-Belly' dragons to eat a person or two, using peer pressure
and the threat of violence. 

These benevolent dragon's would much rather knit you a rug than bite
you, thus they typically live in guilt for a week or so after a
hearty meal of human. 

SAFETY TIPS:
How To Identify A Dragon That WILL Eat You
1) Predominantly Red in color and drooling when they look at you. 
2) Molars are more jagged than flat. 
3) They don't laugh if you tickle them. 
4) They look angry, even after you've complimented them. 
5) And If they strike at you with lightning speed, like a gigantic
rattlesnake with mouth agape this should raise a 'red flag' that you
are in danger. If this behavior persists.....move away.



...The Caterpillar...

Despite its name the Catapillar is not a member of the Felinus (cat)
Family. However, when it rears up on its haunches and assumes Attack
posture...It does resemble a pillar.

>From their first day of life, The caterpillar will consume up to 27
times its weight in excess stomach acid. This voracious appetite is
to allow the caterpillar to absorb enough nutrients so it can survive
its Crystallis Phaser . 

The caterpillar (when in its chrysalis form) has many predators,
including the Walking Stick, Praying Mantis and Spotted Owl
thankfully, the spotted owl is nearly extinct giving the beautiful
butterfly a better chance at survival. Though the non-dormant
caterpillar is more than a match for these opportunistic hunters,
they are quite defenseless while in there metamorphic hibernation. 

This is where nature plays one of its dirtiest tricks... Scientists
estimate that approximately 1 out of every 150 chrysalis yield not a
colorful butterfly but rather a 

Fully grown 800 pound Saber-Tooth Tiger!!! (which ironically, IS a
member of the felinus family...) 

This Hell-begotten Beast will serve to protect the rest of the colony
while they emerge and seek their fortunes. 

None of these Sabre-Tooth Cats has ever been found, leading experts
to believe that there is an ancient Sabre-Tooth Cat Graveyard where
ALL of these creatures march to die after the colony has emerged and
their role as protector has ended. 



...The Dik-Dik...

Smallest member of the Antelope Family, the Dik-Dik is just about as
cute as can be. But don't let there cuddly appearance deceive you,
for this is the very feature that makes The Dik-Dik Natures Most
perfect killer! 

Usually hunting in Packs of 30-40 the Dominant Bull Dik-Dik will set
the trap for an unsuspecting Elephant or Lion. When the Lion catches
sent of the helpless looking Dik-Dik, he'll come closer, lured in by
the Crafty Dik-Diks method acting, (Usually portraying an injured
fawn). 

When the time is right, The pack will move in and attack, in a fury
rarely seen in the antelope family. Using their 4 razor sharp horns,
the poor lion is no match for a hungry pride of Dik-Diks. 

The kill is quick but savage, within minutes the pride is gorged and
the gleaming white Lion Skeleton, glistening in the sun is the only
reminder that the Dik-Dik's were just in town. 

Usually after a large kill, the trophy pelt will be given to the
eldest Male for use as a through rug or robe. 

A word to the wise...Next time you visit the Serengheti plain and you
see a cute would-be pet. Think twice, if you value your skin. 
================================================
[from ravenwoman, via Maureen on REHU]

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.

Example: I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.  

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: 
	a. violet 
	b. beige 
	c. mauve  

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.  

10. Good places for the Blues: 
	a. the highway 
	b. the jailhouse 
	c. the empty bed  

Bad places: 
	a. Ashrams 
	b. Gallery openings 
	c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.  

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?  Yes, if: 
	a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia 
	b. you're blind 
	c. you shot a man in Memphis. 
	d. you can't be satisfied.  

No, if: 
	a. you were once blind but now can see. 
	b. you're deaf 
	c. you have a trust fund.  

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.  

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. 
Other blues beverages are: 
	a. wine 
	b. Irish whiskey 
	c. muddy water 

Blues beverages are NOT: 
	a. Any mixed drink 
	b. Any wine kosher for Passover 
	c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)  

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues 
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. 
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment 
in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a 
liposuction treatment.  

16. Some Blues names for Women 
	a. Sadie 
	b. Big Mama 
	c. Bessie  

17. Some Blues Names for Men 
	a. Joe 
	b. Willie 
	c. Little Willie 
	d. Lightning 

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to 
sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.  

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) 
	a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) 
	b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) 
	c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) 
Mix and Match 

Added by Elizabeth T. Knuth:

The following are not blues instruments:

  The accordion
  The flute, the piccolo
  The bagpipe
  The hammer dulcimer
  The harp

Added by Allan:

OK, I'll agree that the xylophone is, perhaps, not one of the better
instruments for authentic blues.

The guitar is second best for this purpose.

But for REAL down-home, gut-bucket, authentic Mississippi blues, you
just can't beat a tracker-action baroque pipe-organ.
================================================
[from Brian]

The Tech Support stories that Brian sent recently were found at these 
URLs.  Lots more there, too!

http://www.ecis.com/~weasel/support/stories.html

http://www.ecis.com/~weasel/support/techsup.html

+-------------------------------------------+
Steps to Successful Software Installation

Following a few simple steps can ensure that your experience with
each and every program you purchase can be an absolute nightmare. If
you follow each of these simple steps, you will have a great story to
tell the folks at the office. You know, the one about the software
company that went out of their way to make the software unusable and
then didn't even try to help you resolve the problem. 

So, here are the steps you should follow whenever you get new
software: 

First, open the package and pop the disk into the drive. CD-ROMs
should always be placed in the ROM drive with the printed side down.
Be sure to put the unopened manual at the bottom of a desk drawer. This
will help to put you in the proper mood to call technical support. 

Next, "putter" around with the program, run Windows installation
programs from DOS, and vice versa. Installing from 3.5"? You may want
to format the disk. 

Wait until well after business hours and call the number in the
catalog for credit card orders (only, hmm, what exactly does only
mean?). Explode when the order taker explains that you have to call a
different number for Technical Support, and that Technical Support is
open from 8 AM to 6 PM PACIFIC TIME. Curse out the Operator and hang
up without writing down the Tech Support number. 

Wait until 11:30 that night, then dig the manual out of the desk
drawer to look up the Tech Support number you didn't write down. Call
the Tech Support number, and reach voice mail. Get upset because Tech
Support is closed. Leave an acrid and sarcastic message, but don't
leave your area code. 

Now that you are completely frustrated, go to bed so you can be up and
fresh for the Tech Support call back. 

Get up at 6:30 and "putter" with the program some more. At 7:15 call
Tech Support and get voice mail again (don't these people ever
work?). Leave another blistering message, but don't leave your name or
the title of the program. After all if it's morning at your place in
New York, someone in California should be available to answer your
call. 

Play Solitaire on the computer until 11:15, using the program's
manual as a mouse pad. Step out for "just five minutes" to grab coffee
and a doughnut. 

Get back at 11:55, and retrieve the message from the Tech from your
voice mail. Because you didn't tell the Technical Support voice mail
which program you had, the message simply says that a Tech called at
7:53 (That wacky time thing again). 

Call Tech Support and wait on hold. After Call Tech Support and wait
on hold. After holding for 45 seconds, hang up. Dial Tech Support
again. Wait 35 seconds and hang up. Dial Tech Support again and get
even more frustrated when you are asked to hold for the next
available technician. Surely redialing will help you get to the front
of the queue. Hang up after holding one full minute. 

Call the front desk of the software company at 2:15. Berate the
receptionist because you've held on the Tech Support line for
"forty-five minutes" and no one ever answers. (As you rant the
receptionist checks her console and sees that the longest holding call
of the day was four minutes, and that took place between 9:03 and 9:07
AM (local time, 1:03 to 1:07 your time) and that the average abandon
time is sixteen seconds, that crazy redial thing). Demand that the
receptionist have a technician call you back within five minutes,
because you need to use this program for a presentation you have to
give in an hour. If you "don't get a call immediately, there'll be a
lawsuit!" 

Answer the phone at 2:30, and immediately insult the technician and
his ancestors, be sure to swear like a sailor because it took
"forty-five minutes" for the receptionist to relay the message. Tell
the tech that you are outraged with how you've been treated. After
all, you just "paid $59 for this program (MSRP $19.99)!" And you
can't believe that "a company who charges hundreds of dollars for each
program (MSRP $19.99) doesn't offer no-wait toll-free 24 hour
technical support. Every other software company offers no-wait
toll-free technical support." 

After you've vented your spleen, expect the Tech to answer your
questions and address your problem in a courteous, professional
manner. 

At 2:32 inform the technician that "every other program" works on
your computer, and resist every attempt the Technician makes to
diagnose the problem. After all, you've "already tried everything." 

At 2:33, place the Technician on hold, so you can answer another
phone call (that is far more important than the presentation you
claimed to need the software for which is now less than 45 minutes
away). 

At 2:45, get back to the technician, only to find that he isn't there
(inconceivable!). Call the Tech Support number and swear at a
different technician who happens to field the call. "How dare the
Technician hang up" on you. Berate the new technician when he
suggests that you follow along with the installation instructions in
the manual, which you have to dig out of the desk drawer (again). After
all, if the answer was in the manual, you wouldn't have called in the
first place. 

At 2:50, with all the difficulties resolved (who would have guessed
that the answer could be on page 4!), discover how much easier it
would have been to read the manual in the first place (although you'd
never admit it). Inform the tech that it should have worked properly in
the first place, tell him how unprofessional he has been, claim that
you'll never buy another XYZ product and hang up. 


Besides ignoring the documentation, there are a few other things you
can do to make your experience additionally excruciating... 

Ignore the system requirements on the box. They're only
recommendations anyway, and they surely don't apply to your computer.

If you only have a 3.5" drive on your 386SX-16, be sure to buy the
CD-ROM version of the software. Hey, the Mega-Compu-Superstore Sales
--->CLERK<---- (that should have set off a warning bell, now
shouldn't it have.) told you that you could get the 3.5" version from
the manufacturer, and now you find out that you first have to register
the software by mailing back the software registration card. Then, go
ballistic the greedy manufacturer wants you to pay the shipping and
handling charges for rush service and overnight delivery. (Off on a
quick tangent, part of my job consists of sourcing and selecting
equipment for our company. We were looking for a flatbed scanner, and
had decided on the HP 3C, but I wanted to get some additional info. At
Mega-Compu-Superstore, when asked for feautres the CLERK proceeded to
read the sticker on the side of the box to me. The sticker said
something like '8 bit scanning with 24bit enhanced scanning mode' when
I asked him what that meant he told me that '24bit is better than 8
bit' Gosh. I'd have never guessed. Thanks so much. If you insist on
shopping at the Mega-Compu-Superstore that always promises the lowest
price and be damned the consequences, be prepared to deal with the
lowest IQ employees.) BTW, you can bet that if the title isn't
available on 3.5" (let's see, 1.44 MB versus 650 MB, hmmm, why do
software publishers offer some titles only on CD?) the
Mega-Compu-Superstore won't let you return the title because of
"copyright" reasons. 

Never make an attempt to understand how to use you computer. After
all, you didn't have to take driver's ed to learn to drive a car. You
didn't have to take some lessons to learn to fox-trot. And you never
read the instructions when you do your taxes. While Windows makes the
computer much easier to use, there is no substitute for some computer
experience. If you take a few hours in the beginning to learn to use
Windows, and a few DOS commands, you will save yourself hours and
hours of frustration. 
================================================
[from Tom Bombadil]

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling
a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and
it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do
for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by
 private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for
feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on
Vaseline petroleum jelly. Do you have time to answer just a couple of
questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young
man", says the homeowner.

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first,
you do use Vaseline, correct?"

"Yessir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker
with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans
forward and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very
thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped
lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our
bedroom doorknob." The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face
and takes a step backwards. Then the homeowner continues, "It keeps
the kids out."
================================================
[from Ann, via Dick Gorrell]

As An Emotion
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

 A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, 
 telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts,
 "Theme Party - come as a human emotion!!"

 On the night of the party, the first guest arrives. He opens the
 door to see one of his friends covered in green paint with the
 letters N and V painted on his chest. 

 He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
 as?" 

 His friend tells him, "I'm green with envy."

 The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

 A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
 door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather
 boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman,
 "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" 

 She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

 The host says, "I love it; come on in and join the party."

 A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes off for the third time
 and the host opens the door to see two guys, stark naked, one with
 his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis
 stuck in a pear.

 The host is really shocked and says, "Geez, guys.  What the heck do
 you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like
 that out here in the street. What emotions are you to represent?"

 The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm
 fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair."
================================================
[from GCFL]

         THE "GUYNESS QUOTIENT"
         ----------------------

OK, all you guys out there, take this test to determine your
"Guyness" Quotient.  And I am sure all of you ladies out there will
find this more than amusing, since you have to put up with all of the
men in the world.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
   you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
   intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
   incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
   disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
   hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
   violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
   miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
   for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
   really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
   reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
   case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
   trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
   home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
     (1) He is legally within the basepath,
     (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
     (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
         cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
   cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
   and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One
   leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it
   easy--you're watching a football game;she's reading the
   papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you
   that she thinks she really loves you,  but, she can no longer bear
   the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
   She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
   whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
   What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
   you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
   honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
   commitment, and  you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
   hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
   seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
   to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do
   you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
   and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and
   the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to
   her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
   holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
   intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
   has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
   checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
   naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
   discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the
   guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with
   her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
   fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
   years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
   finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
================================================
[from Brian]

     KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--

U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the Mir
space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever
been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness
and mortal terror.  "By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated
space station with faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning
air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created
extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly
terrified beyond numbness.  Among the groundbreaking experiments
conducted on board Mir: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that
depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power
shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of
"dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. 

All have been deemed a huge success by space agency heads. "They are
in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian
mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used
the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet.  We have
also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created
when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov
said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we
did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale asked
ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?" "Please tell me the access
code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin
said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and
widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment
at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren
lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts
them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such
variables as open weeping, involuntary, gravity-freee defecation,
hair loss, and complete cordiographics records of the first known
case of what scientists are calling 'chronic, non-debillitating
myocardial infarction' (shortened to 'Tsibilyev's Syndrome').

In the true Russian spirit of blaming everyone, the entire population
of Kazakhstan will be shot while the government bureaucrats in charge
of the space program will be sent to the Siberian mines and replaced
by an arm of the efficient Russian Mafia. 
================================================
[from HAND! and GCFL, but BY Emo Phillips]

I went to school, ya know.  I went to grammar school and once we were
taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess
the teacher heard my xerox machine.  She said, "Emo, am I stupid or
were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no."  She sends me to
the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me
and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo."  I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you
drunken slob."  He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth
grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could
try."  He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and
eat me first, ya wierdo."  He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the
school psychologist."  And I said, "But why do I have to see the
school psychologist?"  So he shows me the petition.  So I went to the
psychologist and he says,  "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to
you?"  I said, "Well, it's kind of embarassing."  He said, "Emo,
everyone sees something silly.  Don't be embarassed.  Tell me, what
does this inkblot look like to you?"  I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it
looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to
test obsessive compulsiveness."  And he got kind of depressed, so I
said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up.  "And what does this
inkblot look like?"  I said it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of
pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and
degredation."  He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there, that's a
photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh, was I far off?"  He said,
"No, that's the sad part."  And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny
and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't easter.  "Is this
a test?"  And he said, "Yes."  "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had
you eaten the ears first you would have been normal.  Had you eaten
the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex.  Had you
eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies
and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent
oedipal complex."  "Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out
the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'"  He said, "It means you
have a tendency towards self destruction."  I said, "Well, what do you
recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

...The Poodle...

Though hunted to near extinction in the mid 1800's, The poodle lives
today in vast numbers. Early settlers in North America saw Poodles as
a disease carrying scourge of the prairie. Entire herds of the beasts
were cut down in their tracks by sports hunters from passing train
cars. 

Poodles are considered quite intelligent (by canine standards), they
outperform most species of marmoset in both Mathematics and Written.
Unfortunately, not all Poodles use there considerable intellect in
the pursuit of good. 

Considered to be the masterminds behind The Great Buffalo Takeover Of
SmoothRock, Wyoming, Where a 60,000-strong heard of Buffalo marched
into town seeking political asylum from range hunters. The Poodles
convinced the dim buffalo that they deserved better treatment.
However, the plot did not end here. The poodles accurately calculated
the number weapons in town and assessed to total number of bullets.
Realizing that there was substantially fewer bullets than 60,000,
they knew that the march on city hall would be successful. 

However, the Poodles had a far more sinister plot in mind. You see,
while all the 'Men-folk' were busy squeezing off round-after-round to
quell the invading masses... The Entire Purinar Gravy Train shipment
was left unguarded! A small gang of poodles reportedly made off with
nearly 3,000 pounds of the prized feed. Included close to 200 pounds
of the coveted Beefy Chunks Dinnerr 

Since that day the entire Poodle race has had to bear the burden of
the crimes of a sad few. 



...The Marine Hyena...

This little understood creature shares many traits and habits with
its land-locked counterpart... The Standard or Laughing hyena.

Though, unlike the 'land' hyena, the 'marine' is a savage predator. 

Rather than wait for a meal to become available, the Marine Hyena
stalks its prey in a fashion reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition.
Feeding primarily on Sea Cucumbers and Sponges, The hunting technique
is spectacular. Despite the fact that Sea Cucumbers and Sponges are
slow moving and lethargic, when cornered they become ferocious. And
can easily prove more than a match for many would-be assailants. 

The tenacious Marine Hyena is one of the few who can subdue this
hostile prey and enjoy a well balanced meal.

The main food groups for the Marine Hyena include "The Basic Two Food
Groups"...Vegetable and Sponge... 

Part of the enigma of the Marine Hyena is that while the Land Hyena
is indigenous to the African Continent. The Marine Hyena is an
inhabitant of the Tropical Regions of South America. 



...The Salamander...

This amphibian comes in over 6,500 varieties including the Giant
Salamander of Japan and The Texas Blind Salamander of Ireland. They
range in size from approximately 2 centimeters to a whopping 4
Meters. The larger specimens are carnivorous and can carry away a
small calf. While the smaller ones are usually timid and are used as
snake food at pet shops. Still other species have venomous saliva and
can kill with a lick. 

Though sometimes confused with lizards, Salamanders can be
distinguished from the reptilian lizard by 1) the fact that Lizards
are scaly and dry and Salamanders are smooth and slimy, more commonly
2) By their names. While lizards tend to prefer common American names
like Joe or Frank. Salamanders stick with Biblical names like John,
Peter, David, Job, Jesus, Noah or Moses. 

Many Salamanders are edible, but make sure not to eat the poisonous
ones. This Simple Rhyme will help you remember which ones to avoid at
supper time: 

	Black, Brown and Yellow, 
	Will Kill a Stout fellow. 
	But, Green And White Stripes 
	Are A Connoisseur's Delight. 
================================================
