8/31/97

[from Gregory H Singleton, via REHU]

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do indecisive squids discharge erasable ink?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Do those poker playing dogs own paintings of humans playing "fetch"?
Does distressed leather come from very tense cows? 
How do you throw away a garbage can? 
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? 
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he 
automatically lose because he can't find himself? 
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is 
it considered a hostage situation? 
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2? 
Is it legal to run into a crowded fire and yell "Theater!?" 
Isn't it unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
+--------------------------------+
[anonymous]

Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he
decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's
house. "Hey Batman", he says."Wanna' go out tonight?" 

"No I can't", replies Batman. The Batmobile is broken and I gotta
stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime". 

"You loser", says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by
Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight,
you and me", he says. 

"I'd love to, but I can't", replies Spiderman, "My web is broken and
I gotta' fix it to fight crime". 

Superman all disgusted says, "You loser. Stay home on a  Friday night
and fix your damn web". So he flies away. While flying from up above
he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread
Eagle. Superman thinks, "Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at
the speed of light, have a quickie and fly back out and she won't
even feel it." Superman flies down, does his lightning fast deed and
flies back out at the speed of light. 

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?" 

The Invisible man says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell."
================================================
[from Alexis A van-Lutsenburg-Maas, via HAND!]

   Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?

 Favorite Food
    Dogs: kibbles
    Computers: bits
 Method used to end undesirable behavior
    Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
    Computers: hit control-alt-delete
  After destruction of personal property
    D: dog not found
    C: file not found
  Favorite trick
     D: roll over
     C: play dead
  Comic-page hero
    D: Dogbert
    C: Dilbert
  Fun way to mess with their heads
    D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
    C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
  Consequence of virus
    D: replace valuable carpeting
    C: replace valuable data
  Widely ignored government mandate
    D: leash law
    C: Communications Decency Act
  Waste disposal tool
    D: pooper-scooper
    C: uninstaller
  Sensitive internal procedures
    D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
    C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one
         kind of like this once
  Method of marking territory
    D: lifting leg
    C: "Designed for Windows 95"
  Unique behavior
    D: lick and drag
    C: click-and-drag
  Inexplicable physical feature
    D: dewclaw
    C: scroll lock key
  Estimated lifespan
    D: 12 years
    C: 12 months
  At end of useful life
    D: euthanasia
    C: tax deduction
================================================
[from Mary Felix]

A preacher wanted to earn money for his church in Texas. He had
heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase
a horse and enter it  in the race.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too
steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey.

The preacher figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter
it in the races. The next day the donkey came in third place. 

The following day in the racing form, the headlines appeared: 

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey the he entered the donkey
the next day also. The donkey won. The racing form read: 

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The ranking Bishop was so upset with this type of publication that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore.

The headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a
nearby convent.  The following day the paper read:

NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nuns to get rid of the animal so
they sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day the paper
read:

TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Simply put... women speak in estrogen and men listen in
testosterone... by Matt Groening 

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have
emerged. 

RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship --
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a
semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled
"All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. 

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate
You / I Love You" drunken phone call that 99% of all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help
men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. 

SEX:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds
of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay. 

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females
can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is
why high school romances rarely work out. 

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body isa beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit
laughter from women. 

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley
face at the end of the note. 

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out. 

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from
the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items. 

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches
the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from
going to the 10-items-or-less lane. 

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her
feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
day. 

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the
dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is
auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes
putting on her makeup... 

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats. 

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh,
gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and
actually FEELS the pain. 

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the
face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who
always has a bad haircut. 

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". 

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But
if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless. 

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators. 

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. 

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche. 

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They
use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will
call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will
never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for
hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new
way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I
recognize that 7-11 store." 

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The
last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 
================================================
[from Virginia & David, via HAND!]

Did you hear about the dizzy boy scout?
 He spent all day doing good turns.

What were the Chicago gangster's last words?
Who put that violin in my violin case.

What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey?
A sigh is oh dear.
A car is too dear.
A monkey is you, dear.

What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.

What's the difference between a Peeping Tom and someone who's
just got out of the bath?
One is rude and nosey, and the other's nude and rosy.

What happened to the  dumb man who tried to iron his curtains/drapes?
He fell out of the window.

Why did the robot act stupid?
Because he had a screw loose.

Why did the lazy idiot apply for a job in the bakery?
Because he fancied a long loaf.

What do you call crazy fleas?
Loony ticks.

What feature runs in your family?
Noses.

What happened when the school band played Mozart?
Mozart lost.

Did you hear about the stupid shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
================================================
[from Brenda Daverin, via REHU]

         Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names

                          Intro

In the Olde Days, when our pagan ancestors were going through the
persecutions we now invoke to justify various kinds of current
silliness, witches took craft names to conceal their identities and
avoid those annoying visits by the Inquisition. In the course of
years, it was noticed that these aliases could also be used as a
foundation for building up a magical personality, carrying out various
kinds of transformative work on the self, and the like. It's clear,
though, that these were mere distractions from the real purpose lying
hidden within the craft name tradition. It took contact with other
sources of ancient, mystic lore - mostly the SCA, role-playing games,
and assorted fantasy trilogies - to awaken the Craft to the innermost
secret of craft names: they make really cool fashion statements.

It's in this spirit that Lady Pixie Moondrip offers the following
guidelines to choosing your own craft name. Such a guide is long
overdue; the point of fashion, after all, is that it allows you to
express your own utterly unique individuality by doing exactly the
same thing as everyone else. (Those who are particularly drawn to this
element of the craft name tradition will find the Random Craft Name
Generator near the end of this guide especially useful.)

The approaches given here can be used separately, or
combined in a single name to produce any number of interesting
effects. Given enough cleverness (and lack of taste), the
possibilities are endless!

                      Starting Off Right

Whatever else you do, you should certainly begin your craft
name with "Lord" or "Lady." First of all, it's pretentious, and
that's always a good way to start.  Secondly, it makes an
interesting statement about a religion that supposedly has its roots
in the traditions of peasants and rural tribespeople. Thirdly, since
most Craft groups use exactly these same words for the God and the
Goddess, this creates a (by no means inappropriate) confusion about
just who it is that we worship.

                         Divine Names

Along the same lines, you can always take the name of a god, a
goddess, a mythological being or a legendary hero as your craft
name, thus putting yourself on the same level as the powers you
invoke.

Having once watched two fifteen-year-old boys get into a
fistfight over which had the right to call himself "Lord Merlin," Lady
Pixie has a high opinion of the possibilities of this approach. She
notes, however, that there seems to be an unwritten law among those
who have made use of this type of name already, and it's no doubt
wisest to follow suit: the more grandiose the name that you choose,
the more of a complete nebbish you should be. Nearly anyone can carry
off, say, "Lady Niwalen," but it takes a special kind of person to
handle a name like "Lord Jehovah God Almighty." Fortunately, there are
those among us who are equal to the task.

                          Nonhumans

A related approach involves taking a name that implies (or, better
yet, states openly) that you are an elf or some other kind of
nonhuman, magical being. This works best if you are willing to act the
part obsessively, and to get really petulant when anyone fails to
respond accordingly. Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch
something like "Lord Elrandir" unless they know Tolkien inside and
out. Try something more like "Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live
Elf."

                       Fantasy Fiction

The burgeoning field of fantasy fiction offers another source for
fashionable craft names, and in many cases, for interesting
complications as well. One popular approach is to choose the name of
your favorite character; as with nonhumans, this works best if you
play the part, and throw a tantrum unless everyone else plays along.
Given luck and a sense of the popular, you may be able to choose
everyone else's favorite character, too, and end up tussling over a
name with a dozen other people. (Mercedes Lackey is a good author to
try if this is your goal.) Both this and the last category have the
added advantage of making it clear that, as far as you are concerned,
the Craft is simply a setting for make-believe games; this can help
spare you the annoyance of actually having to learn something about
it.

                  Inventing A Name From Scratch

The best way to do this is to come up with something that sounds, say,
vaguely Celtic, perhaps by mangling a couple of existing names
together, and then resolutely avoid looking it up in a Welsh or Gaelic
dictionary. Luck is an important factor here, but there is always the
chance that you'll manage something striking. It took one person of
Lady Pixie's acquaintance only a few minutes to blur together Gwydion
son of Don and Girion, Lord of Dale, into the craft name "Lord
Gwyrionin," and several months to find out that the name he had
invented, and used throughout the local pagan scene, was also the
Welsh word for "idiot."

                       Following a Grand Tradition

Though the ink is barely dry on most of our modern pagan "traditions,"
there's at least one ancient European tradition that many people in
the Craft follow: the tradition of stealing things from non-Western
peoples. Fake Indian craft names are always chic, especially if the
closest thing to contact with Native American spirituality you've ever
had is watching Dances With Wolves at a beer party. Better still, mix
whatever Craft teachings you've absorbed with a few ideas you picked
up from a Michael Harner book, break out the buckskins and the
medicine pouches, and proclaim yourself a shaman. Mind you, there are
people out there who have received real Native American medicine
teachings, and they may just turn you into hamburger if you piss them
off; still, that's the risk you run if you want to be really trendy.

               The Random Craft Name Generator

On the other hand, if you are individualistic like everybody else, you
may be looking for a name that expresses the uniqueness of your
personality but still sounds like all the other craft names you've
ever heard. Fortunately, this isn't too hard. Several years back, a
gentleman of Lady Pixie's acquaintance told her that the best way to
get laid at a pagan gathering was to have the PA system announce,
"Will Morgan and Raven please come to the information booth?" Since
the resulting crowd would include at least a third of the female
attendees, he went on, it wouldn't be too hard to meet someone
interesting. While Lady Pixie has not tried this out herself, she has
tested the principle behind it in a series of controlled
double-blinded experiments, and discovered a rule that she has
modestly named Moondrip's Law: 80% of all craft names are made up of
the same thirty words combined in various not particularly imaginative
ways.

The discovery of this principle has allowed her to make the once
difficult task of creating craft names easy, by means of the
Random Craft Name Generator, release 1.0.

To use the RCNG, take either two or three of the following words
(using any convenient randomizing method, including personal
preference). If you take two, simply run them together;
if you take three, one of the words becomes the first part of the
name, and the other two are combined to form the second.

Wolf    Raven   Silver  Moon    Star    Water   Snow
Sea     Tree    Wind    Cloud   Witch   Thorn   Leaf
White   Black   Green   Fire    Rowan   Swan    Night
Red     Mist    Hawk    Feather Eagle   Song    Sky
Storm   Sun

Try it out:  "Rowan Moonstar." "Raven Blackthorn." "Silver Ravenw.."-
uh, never mind.

For the expanded version (RCNG 1.01), come up with a name by any of
the methods covered elsewhere in this guide, or take some ordinary
American name, and add a two-word name produced on the RCNG to the
end: "Gwydion Silvertree." "Sybil Moonwitch." "Squatting Buffalo
Firewater." The possibilities are endless!

(Note that this list will change with shifts in fashion;
Lady Pixie expects to bring out an upgrade to RCNG 2.0 in a year or
two.)

                                Outro

It may be objected by the narrow-minded (who are probably all
covert Christians, anyway) that members of the Craft have
better things to do with their time than the above guidelines
would suggest. This shows a complete lack of insight. First of all, in
an increasingly blase and tolerant culture, it's becoming hard for
white middle-class Americans to get that rush of self-righteous
gratification that comes from pretending to be members of a persecuted
minority; we may not be able to get burned at the stake by calling
ourselves silly names, but at least we can get laughed at, and that's
something. Secondly, if we keep on treating craft names (and the Craft
as a whole) as fashion statements, that spares us the unpleasant
drudgery of actually learning magic and making it part of our lives.
Finally, if we're pretentious enough, those people who actually know
enough to magic their way out of a wet paper bag will roll their eyes
and go somewhere else, and we can keep on fighting our witch wars,
casting vast astral whammies and invoking powers we don't have a clue
how to control, all in the serene certainty that no one is actually
going to get hurt.

On the other hand, we could take the Craft seriously...but who wants
to do that?

- Lady Pixie Moondrip
================================================
[from several different people, posted on REHU]

Gross ice cream name challenge

Ice cream flavors I'd rather not sample:

Rocky & Bullwinkle Road
Picasso's Ear Crunch
Jock Itch Pecan
Toad Surprise
Anchove Pizza
Pickles 'n Cream
Kitty's Hairball and Litter
Wet Antelope
Lasagna Ripple
Statutory Grape
Bird Turd Curd
Rhubarb Ripple
Squirrel Brain Swirl (with crushed acorns)
Olive & Pimiento
Spam Surprise
Ramps & Lard Roulade
Bagel Chip Bonanza
Garlic & Onion
Pepperoni Potpourri
Squid Ink Squirt
Booger Bazaar
Spinach & Bacon
Almond Vinagirette
Chilly Chili
Mushroom Teriyaki
Vanilla Sludge

And Betsy claims: "Up here in Maine, we got a new ice cream flavour
for the Toor-ists. It's called "Lobster".  They tell me it's got bits
of real lobster meat, and a buttery base."
================================================
[from Tony]

Dr. Seuss' version of the Tyson-Holyfield Fight:

 Evander's Ear

Would you eat Evander's ear?
Would you, Mikey? Tell me clear.
I would not like that ear to eat.
I do not think it would taste sweet.

Ears are flavored bitter, friend,
and they've been known careers to end.
Could you eat that fleshy thing?
Would you eat it in the ring?

Would you bite it on a dare
and store it in the Fridgidaire?
I could not store it in the fridge.
It is mostly cartilage.

I will not bite Evander's flesh
whether frozen, fried or fresh.
You could be tempted, this I know
If things do not the right way go.

Your tiny brain will start to shout,
"This is a way to get me out!"
I will not eat it on a dare,
I will not eat it hanging there.

Even if the fight I lose
that's not a mouthful I would chewz.
Would you eat it in the ring?
Would you eat it for Don King?

Don King can ask, and ask, ask he
won't goad me 'cause that is nasty.
But what of head butts from Evander?
He'll knock your noodle, you know he can, sir.

He can butt me all he likes.
That does not mean his ear I bites.
Oh no! He butted Mikey's head!
He butted it just like I said!

Bite his ear! For vengence sake!
Nibble on it like a snake.
I would not, could not bite his ear!
It would cost me my career.

Bite it, Mikey! Bite it off!
Or are you starting to get soft?
OK! OK! I'll bite that thing!
I will bite it in the ring.

Hey... Tastes just like chicken from Colonel Sanders!
I like this chunk of ear Evander's.
Now I would like a second bite.
A guy gets hungry in the fight.

You bit it! Geez! You bit his ear!
Our lust for blood ain't that severe.
You need control inside the ring.
Now there's two Mikeys who'll eat anything!

One bite is fine, but two's too much.
You make us want to toss up lunch.
We shelled out big for Pay-per-view
To watch a fight, not have to spew.

You'll be fined three million smackers.
And have to refund all your backers.
They paid to see you beat him bloody.
Not bite his ears. That's yucky, buddy.

Why did you bite him? What's the scoop?
Why to gnawing did you stoop?
It was anger! I saw red!
When he butted on my head!

Things just happen in the ring.
When boxers snap, they do weird things.
We don't buy it. You're a pro! We
Must know all! The whole damn story!

OK, OK. You've earned the right.
You paid fifty bucks to watch the fight.
Why did I bite him? Here's the tale --
I got a taste for it in jail.

Wow. What a story. Now tell us, Mike,
What your future plans are like.
I think I'll sell off all the rights
To market various merchandise.
 We'll sell action figures! What a trip!
Like "Iron Mike" with "Kung Chew" grip.

So you bit him on the ear.
That's all we'll hear about, I fear,
until some other news breaks clear
And pushes biting to the rear.

I guess we like it when we see
People biting on TV.
We only have ourselves to blame
for watching such a bloody game.

Would YOU decline his ear to bite
If you got paid 10 mil per fight?
Let me! I'd bite it in the ring!
I'd bite it off! I'd eat the thing!

I'd swallow it with Gatorade --
For one tenth of what Mike got paid.
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]  

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a
dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that
slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. 

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. 

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their
obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more
expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little
miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to
operate. 

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six
days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this
happens. 

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000
for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course,
women always end up taking better pictures. 

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex.
And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie. 

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates
in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided
benches in garages. 

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the
movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. 

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away
with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Vic. 

SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around
stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men. 

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting
time outs, commercials, or replays. 

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g.,
"Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an
Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those
Mafia guys", etc. Women,not having this problem, try to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by
the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. 

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a
boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are
"Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" 

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a
word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?" 
================================================
[first set is from Greg, via REHU]

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
+-----------------------------------+
[from Tom Lewis]

Tommy O'Reardon went to confession to Father Delaney. "Bless me,
Father, for I have terrible sinned," says Tommy.  "And what be your
sin, son?", replies the good father. "I've had fierce sex, Father",
replies Tommy. "Begorah," exclaims Father Delaney, "Wit' who, pray
tell?" "I canna answer that, Father", replies Tommy. "Was it Mary
Roarke?" asks Father. "Nah", says Tommy. "Was it Fiona Cleery?" asks
Father. "Nah," replie Tommy. "Was it Coleen O'Malley?" inquires
Father. "Nah," replies Tommy. "Very well, then, son. Say four Hail
Marys and that'll do it," sighs Father Delaney. As Tommy was walking
out of the Church, his friend Paddy McDermott meets him and asks,
"Well, what did ye get in the box from Father?" "Four Hail Marys and
tree real promising leads," replies Tommy.
+--------------------------------------+
[from John Berggren, via REHU]

Fellow walks into a bar, sees the picture of the president (choose
your own administration) and says , "why do you have a picture of that
horse's rear up there?" After being severely beaten he regains
consciousness and moans - "I didn't realize this was a center of his
supporters." To which the bartender replies - "It isn't, this is horse
country."
================================================
[from Rev. Cheese, via REHU]

This just in!  The French authorities have announced that they are
sparing no efforts to find out what happened in the crash that killed
Princess Dianna.  They have assigned their best man to the case --
his name?









 Inspector Clouseau
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

    Freshmen:  Are never in bed past noon.
    Seniors:   Are never out of bed before noon.

    Freshmen:  Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can
               cut. 
    Seniors:   Read the syllabus to find out what classes they
               need to attend.

    Freshmen:  Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
    Seniors:   Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a 
               recitation class.

    Freshmen:  Calls the professor "Professor."
    Seniors:   Calls the professor "Bob."

    Freshmen:  Would walk ten miles to get to class.
    Seniors:   Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.

    Freshmen:  Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
    Seniors:   Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

    Freshmen:  Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the
               university. 
    Seniors:   Knows where the next class is.  Maybe...

    Freshmen:  Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
    Seniors:   Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and
               a box of pop tarts in hand.

    Freshmen:  Have to ask where the computer labs are.
    Seniors:   Has 'own' personal workstation.

    Freshmen:  Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
    Seniors:   Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the
               street

    Freshmen:  Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
    Seniors:   Worry about the last GRE essay.

    Freshman:  Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first
               week 
    Senior:    Starts to think about buying textbooks in
               October... maybe.

    Freshman:  Looks forward to first classes of the year
    Senior:    Looks forward to first beer garden of the year

    Freshman:  Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
    Senior:    Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis
               midterm

    Freshman:  Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
    Senior:    Calls Domino's every other night

    Freshman:  Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
    Senior:    Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over
               the summer

    Freshman:  Conscienciously completes all homework, including
               optional questions
    Senior:    Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite
               sex...

    Freshman:  Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving
               onto campus 
    Senior:    Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

    Freshman:  Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
               him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, 
               the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a
               contribution to society
    Senior:    Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

    Freshman:  Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
    Senior:    Occasionally stays awake for all of class
================================================
[all from Tony]

*What's an Ethiopian?
Hungry.

*How many people can you REALLY fit into a phone booth?
About 500.  But U have to mince them up first.

*If you had a lettuce, a camel and a monkey, what would you have? The
basis of a great salad.

*Put one or more scientists into one room and what do you get?
Bored.

*Get a group of at least four Ethiopians together and what do you
have? A paperweight.

*Wanna lose at least 10kgs in one day?
Get one of your legs amputated.

*Sex education in Third World countries is a waste of time.
They already know about it.

*When your pet dog unexpectedly has a litter of 12 puppies, what
should
      you do?
Put petrol in the car and find a REALLY big sack!

*The police force is just a fancy way to waste atoms.

*Charity flies in the face of Darwin's "survival of the fittest".

**Are Olympic-class sprinters really so cool??
         Hell, even my labrador can run faster than they can!  

**Inner city kid spots an old lady.  What's he thinking?
         "Easy pickin's"

**Inner city kid spots a baby.  What's he thinking?
         "Is that one of mine?"

**Adam gave Eve one of his "ribs"???
         Ha, ha.  I think we all know WHICH "rib" he gave her, huh?

**Music might soothe the savage beasts, but a gun will stop 'em
          in their tracks!

**Umpires are a species of public sado-masochists.

**When you think about it, relatives are just a pain in the ass.

**Forty acres and a mule???  Say, bud, can I just take the cash??

**I once read that piranhas have been clocked stripping a wildebeest
carcass to the bone in just 45 seconds.  I thought that was amazing
until I saw 3 Indians drink a beer tanker dry in 50!!

**Advertising is kinda like "in your face" begging.

**When things go wrong, everyone always blames the Jews.  Look,
sooner or later, everyone will be right!

**Black people are all talk. When white people are angry, they don't
just talk; they blow things up!

**Let a woman out of the kitchen and what happens?
       You don't get dinner.

>> "Fee fi fo fum..."  - Mike Tyson

>> "Just one more country, and THEN I'll stop - promise!"
              - A. Hitler

>> "There sure IS a sucker born every minute!"  - A. Hitler to his
            aides shortly after the departure of Britains PM,
            Chamberlain.

>> "I'm tired of guys kicking sand in my face!" - A. Scwarzenegger
            at a very early, comic-reading age.

>> "'Range' ain't everything, you know!"  M. Monroe

>> "I don't need to check everything; I've done this a hundred times
         and I know what I'm doing."  A. Erhardt.

>> "Family movies suck."  - A. Hitchcock.

>> "I'll just tell him I'm his father.  That oughtta slow him down."
          - D. Vader

>>  "I'm fine, it's just this damn mask that makes me sound like
>>  this."
         - D. Vader

>> "Always write from experience."  - S. King

>> "With an army like this, who can stop us?"  -  S. Hussein

>> "We fight Iraq for freedom and democracy.  The oil has nothing
           to do with it."  G. Bush

>> "Marriage is a serious commitment."  L. Taylor

>> "Capturing the model's personality is my main concern." - a Playboy
          photographer
================================================
[forwarded by Bill Cairns, on REHU]

The Three Little Pigs 
by James Finn Garner

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual
respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that
were indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house. One
pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of
dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a
small kiln.  When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big bad
wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry ,
in both a physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the
wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house
and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs
defending their homes and culture."

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest
destiny.  So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot
pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood,  other wolves bought up
the land and started a banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and
shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic
oppressor!"  At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought
to himself : "They are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame
to see them go, but progress cannot be stopped."

So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The
pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share
condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a
fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native
curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and
shouted ,  "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote
letters of protest to the United Nations.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the
situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and
puffed, and huffed and puffed,  the grabbed his chest and fell over
dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many
fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a
little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to
liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs
who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas
attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers
and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to
the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education,
universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No
actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story. 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand 

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the
best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the
minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim
our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying
that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of
cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why
they'll never understand... 

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version
of just about everything. 

Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use
corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is
well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like
"professional"or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the
germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at.
Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish
wish-fulfilment played out at a higher testorerone level. But
occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that
he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre-quality
air". I kept him away from my surgical-steel steak knives. 

2. Why we are so bad at shopping. 

We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like
giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to but
eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home
with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree. 

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship. 

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start
with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us
going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock,
and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our
reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have
trouble talking about The Relationship. 

4. Why we think we can fix things. 

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a
little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely
good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique
clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no
time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off,
and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over
newspaper on the kitchen table. 

5. Men and video games. 

Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their
lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his
girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two
in the morning all glassy-eyed, she will usually take this as
evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of
Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office. 

6. That sometimes we really are ill. 

When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we
are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men
will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no
sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the
record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of
feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a
misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to
go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of
the only thing that ever makes us feel any better. 

7. The way we watch television. 

Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the
right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including
commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you
crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state
without a firm grasp on the remote. 

8. Our sense of humour. 

When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of
humour, they tend to mean something different from what we mean.
Women never understand the comic genius of your mate who makes beer
come out of his nose. 

9. Why we're so boring. 

Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession,
technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that
women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match
length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a
scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a nose for gossip,
but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women.
Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or
"Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team
boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still
probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway. 

10. The male menopause. 

Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch, whatever you like to call it -
women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead
seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a
Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his
age. Like there has to be more to it than that. 
================================================
[from GCFL]

Signs Your Execution Isn't Going Well

12> The poison gas is bad enough, but pumping laughing gas into the
    audience chamber is just plain cruel!

11> The anti-capital punishment demonstrators are carrying signs
    reading, "Okay, but just this once."

10> Wacky guards post sign outside your cell: "Elevation -6"

 9> At the last minute, the governor calls, but only to ask if you
    have Prince Albert in a can.

 8> Firing squad of Ted Nugent, Charlton Heston, and Barry Switzer
    replaced by Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, and Yosemite Sam.

 7> That burning smell doesn't mean they ruined the Steak Tartare,
    Chester.

 6> The electric chair operator asks you to turn over so they can do
    the other side.

 5> Guitar-carrying executioner says not to worry, he'll be "killing
    you softly" with his song.

 4> You wake to a muffled voice saying, "Let's get the dirt back in
    there and call it a day!"

 3> Supreme Court Golf Tournament scheduled for day of your
    execution.

 2> The jolt from the electric chair only manages to give you "Don
    King hair."

 1> In the viewing room, Martha Stewart's gingerbread electric chair
    cookies are getting more attention than you are.
================================================
[from Carol Chan, via "The Humour List"]

The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks 

1.  I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home
page. 

2.  You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. 

3.  Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and
time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you. 

4.  My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always
increasing. 

5.  Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy. 

6.  Wanna come back to my room?  ...and see my 166mhz Pentium? 

7.  How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond? 

8.  You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum. 

9.  You're sweeter than glucose. 

10.  We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes. 

11.  Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between
you and me? 

12.  Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX? 

13.  Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen. 

14.  Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com 

15.  You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny".  I think some are repeats, but worth it...]

Dilbert's Laws of Work

  If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
  nights.

  A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in
  the butt.

  Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't
  be promoted.

  It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
  you've done and what you're going to do.

  After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
  of the month than you did before.

  The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going
  to get.

  You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
  clipboard.

  Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
  worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

  When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
  never talking about themselves.

  If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use
  being a fool about it.

  There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
  car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

  Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

  Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

  Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a
  cocktail hour.

  To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

  Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
  he/she is supposed to be doing.

  Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors
  in the mail.

  If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you
  are really good, you will get out of it.

  You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops
  by your desk.

  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

  If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

  At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional
  to the number of pens that person is carrying.

  When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

  Following the rules will not get the job done.

  Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the
  rules.

  When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
  easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
  handle this?"

  No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

  The last person that quit or was fired will be held
  responsible for everything that goes wrong.
================================================
[from Tony]

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

 "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 "Tiger Woods."

 "Tiger Woods the golfer?"

 "Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry.
I was going to call room service and get some food."

 "Tiger wouldn't do that. "

 "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes
over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."

 "Tiger wouldn't do that."

 "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to
his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He
drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.  The wife asks,
"Are you calling room service?"

"No!" exclaims the exasperated husband, " I'm calling Tiger Woods to
find out what's par for this hole !" 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

How Can So Many People Fit In Such A Small Space?
Author : Don Edward Goodman, Jr.
(dgoodman@sparc.msms.doe.k12.ms.us) 
Date : 19940720 
From: Project Galactic 

The ladies' room has always been much of a mystery to humans (Earth)
of the male persuasion. Many questions have appeared over history, but
none so burning as how do so many of them fit into such a tiny space?

Dr Steven Moore, in his book "Transdimensionalism and the Ladies' Room:
Warp Lanes to Infinity", traces the history of mans' search to reveal
the truth: 

If one has ever been to a restaurant with a group of friends, a
sizeable quantity of which are female, then one must surely notice
that, at some point, all of the women will get up and migrate to the
ladies' room for some reason totally incomprehensible to any man. But
what is utterly baffling is how so many people can fit themselves into
such a small space with no apparent discomfort. Many theories have
been proposed, however, in an attempt to explain this bizarre
phenomenon. 

One famous early hypothesis, proposed by the late Dr. Sergei
Ivanovich Sarkonov, states that the lighting and arrangement of
mirrors in the powder room makes it appear smaller than it really is.
Unfortunately, after a daring expedition made by a group of all-male
scientists into a typical ladies' room in 1905, this theory was
struck down through careful observation and study of the lights and
mirrors. They concluded that the room really was as cramped as it
looked, and the "Powder Room Puzzle," as it was now known, became one
of the greatest scientific dilemmas of all time. 

In the early 1940's, however, after Einstein's concept of relativity
became popular among theoretical scientists, one young, fresh mind,
Dr. Georg Schlaufel from the University of Berlin, conjectured that
there was a confined disturbance in the Time-Space Continuum in each
of these locations, allowing, somehow, more people to fit into a
smaller space than previously thought possible. However, this line of
thought was ill-fated, as Dr. Schlaufel was drafted into Germany's war
machine and was killed shortly thereafter in the destruction of
Berlin by the Allies. As he was the only one able to read his
handwriting, his theory, unable to be understood by anyone living at
the time, was soon forgotten. 

With the advent of the third-generation supercomputer and superstring
theory in the mid-eighties, modern physics has been able once more to
delve into the mysteries of the ladies' room. Robert Matthews, a
computer programmer for the National Center for Supercomputing
Research, after nearly a dozen years of research and tedious
programming, managed to write a simulation program that attempted to
describe what actually occurs when large numbers of people filter
into the women's restroom. 

He found that the time-space continuum is actually compressed in
small pockets, all of which amazingly seem to coincide with the
placement of ladies' restrooms, and that after the capacity of a
bathroom is reached, any additional people entering the room appear
to occupy the same point in the continuum as the people already in
the restroom. Of course, this is mere illusion, because as it turns
out, the room is actually dimensional transcendental: it contains
more space than it occupies. 

Unfortunately, the government soon found out about this interesting
phenomenon and obstructed the publication of Matthews' findings for
national security reasons. However, the information leaked out of NASA
and other government agencies. The public, through the media, became
acutely aware that a ground-breaking discovery had been made, and they
petitioned the government to make public the information. With the
passing of the Freedom of Information Act in 1990, the mind-bending
truth was revealed to the populace, and physics as we knew it was
changed forever. 
================================================
[Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, Saturday, June 14, 1997
(Shared by Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List, via "Wit & 
Wisdom")]

OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up

A Frenchwoman is keeping in her freezer a chunk of ice that fell out
of the sky, hoping to trace its owner and get him to fix the roof of
her home.

A Swissvale, Pa., man is paying $300 a month to rent a huge billboard
that urges his wife to give up smoking.

Boston police sent letters to 3,800 people wanted on various charges
and invited them to make $200 a day as extras in "The Rocky Marciano
Story."  Fifty-four people showed up and were arrested.

Milwaukee County District Attorney E. Michael McCann was caught in a
police crackdown on jaywalkers.
+--------------------------------+
[from Richard on REHU]

 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
 Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
 If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
 Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
 I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
 I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
 How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
 Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
 I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
+----------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed
with another man.  So he dragged the man down the stairs to the
garage and put his Umm, well, you know...in a vice.  He secured it
tightly and removed the handle.  Then he picked up a hacksaw.  The
man, terrified, screamed, "Stop!  Stop!  You're not going
to...to...cut it off, are you???!?"  The husband said, with a
gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope.  You are. I'm going to set the
garage on fire."
================================================
[from Allan on REHU]

Communism, Marxism,  Fascism, &
the Metric System

We often hear people speak of the Metric System as if it were
nothing but a harmless Continental fad--like the mini-skirt or
bell-bottoms. We have even heard Americans--good, patriotic
Americans, albeit dreadfully misguided--suggest that the United
States adopt the Metric System. Obviously, such people are ignorant
of the history and the dire consequences of such action.

The Metric System is a child of the French Revolution. It and the
custom of killing large numbers of people with brains, money,
education, and good family. It was no coincidence that the Metric
System and mass murder went together. They have been nearly
inseparable ever since. Just consider. The Nazis used the Metric
System and perpetrated the Holocaust. The Russian Communists adopted
the Metric System and murdered millions. One of the worst mass
murderers of all times is Pol Pot, head of the Khmer Rouge. And where
did Pol Pot get his education? In France, that's where. He absorbed
the rich tradition of the Metric System and the French Revolution,
went home, and did his level best to kill every educated and/or
prosperous person in his country. It goes without saying that the
Chinese Communists, the North Vietnamese, the North Koreans, etc.,
all are firm believers in the Metric System. Indeed, it is difficult
to think of a dictatorship in this century which has not been
hand-in-glove with the Metric System. Mere coincidence? Hardly!

See how nations have been driven downhill by the insidious Metric
System. Great Britain was the world's leading power when she remained
true to the system of inches, feet, miles, ounces, pounds, pints,
quarts, etc., with which a Beneficent Creator had endowed her. Then
Great Britain abandoned her God-Given Heritage and went to the Metric
System. Look at England now--a mere shadow of her former greatness.

Canada was once the most stable of nations. Dull, perhaps, but     
stable. Then Canada went metric, and is on the verge of breaking up.
Coincidence? Get real!

It seems that most of the population of South and Central America is
trying to get across the border into the United States. Why? Because
we have remained true to the measurements God gave us and have become
great and prosperous. They have gone Metric and sunk into economic
ruin.

What has happened to great nations can also happen to corporations.
General Motors has gone metric, as has IBM. Need we point out the
consequences?

Aside from other problems, the metric system is far too inexact for
scientific purposes. A yard is "approximately" a meter, a quart is
"approximately" a liter. No -- precision is required in science and
not the approximations of the metric system.

Do not remain silent when you hear subversive or misguided people
speak in favor of the United States adopting the
Marxist-Communist-Fascist-Degenerate Metric System. Next it will be
gun-control and fluoridation of water. Speak up! If you do not, our
great country is in danger of being lost. 
================================================
[forwarded by Jun Lee]

 A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY
VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE
ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.


The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver
of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car.  You got a phone in
your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool!  Hey, you got a fridge in there,
too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man!  Hey, you got a TV
in there, too?  You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of
course I have a television.  A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car
in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car!  Hey, you got a bed in
there, too?  I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped
away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that
a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.  The next morning, the
driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb,
with satin sheets and brass trim.  It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the
Yugo, and he drove all day.  Finally, late at night, he finds the
Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The
driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.  When there
wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner
stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the
shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
================================================
[from GCFL]

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a
savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it
correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
+-------------------------------------+
[from Maureen, on REHU]

> Emily also said it would be a could of days before she would think
> about "posting"...

And please tell her not to trot, canter or gallop either.
+---------------------------------------+
[from Kristina Smith, via "Geoff's Joke List"]

 Q: What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?
 A: "You gonna eat that?"
================================================
[from John Hanscom, via REHU]

These are some of the newest viruses you need
to watch out for on the internet.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Refers to itself as an "electronic
micro-organism".

THE GALLUP VIRUS: 60 percent of the personal computers will lose 30
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (with a 3.5 percent
margin of error).

THE AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

THE ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then
self-destructs.  It later resurfaces at shopping malls accross Rural
America.
================================================
[From Mr.BOO!, via "The Humour List"]

 There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course,  perfect.

 One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving
along a  winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in
distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood
Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and
his toys into their vehicle.  Soon they were driving along delivering
the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

 Only one of them survived the accident.

 Who was the survivor?  (scroll down for the answer)














 The perfect woman.

 Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a
perfect man.

 ===================================
 *  A Male's Response
 *  (Page Down )














  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. 
================================================
[from GCFL]

BLOWING SMOKE IN FRONT OF A FAN

BY DAVE BARRY    August 10, 1997


Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure!  Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is
killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it
will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its
products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the
group most directly affected.

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of
money?

A: Of course.

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the
whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency
task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to
finance the historic tobacco settlement.

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it
doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely
selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of
something far far worse.

Q: Failure to make large political donations??

A: Yes.

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in
which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast
clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct
this under the historic tobacco settlement?

A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by
special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one
example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final
speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying
Squirrel.

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who,
despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a
single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the
Whitewater investigation.

Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually
winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be
taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning
pubic spectacle?

A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an
electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an
electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President."

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose
spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose bodies are now
being kept in top-secret government freezers?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?

A: I have my own.
================================================
[from DBreese, via "The Humour List"]

Cannibal Jokes
--------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.

What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A box of farmer's fannies.

What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
buttering up his teacher?

Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like.

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my
mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating
yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There,
people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked,
"How come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do you know
how hard it is to clean one of those?"

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with
spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy
calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but
I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
================================================
[from Ace, on REHU]

A fella from Nu Yaaak was traveling in GA with his pet dog, a
vicious, though purebred, animal.  The man spied a small lad walking
along the streets of Rochelle with a funny looking little dog.  "Hey,
sonny, does your dog fight?  My dog needs some exercise, and I'll be
$20 my dog can whip your dog."

"Well, I don't know, but if you want to put money on it, I guess we
could let them have a go at it."

The metro dog made a fast dash for the small boy's little dog.  The
little dog just stood his ground, and when the metro dog came close
simply opened his mouth and bit the metro dog in half, then
proceeded to eat it.

"Great Scott, kid.  I have never seen such a thing.  What do you call
that dog, anyway?"

"Well, suh, I don't rightly know now.  But before he got his nose
and tail cut off by the train running over them, we just called him
'Gator'. 
================================================
[from Greg on REHU]

 THE TOP TEN LIES TOLD BY GRADUATE STUDENTS

 10.  It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
      $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

 9.  I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

 8.  My work has a lot of practical importance.

 7.  I would never date an undergraduate.

 6.  Your latest article was so inspiring.

 5.  I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

 4.  I have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

 3.  The department is giving me so much support.

 2.  My job prospects look really good.

 1.  No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
================================================
[from HAND!]

The Written Word...

      As director of communications I was asked to prepare a
   memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.
   In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
   "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.
      The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee,
   I was called into the HR director's office, and told that
   the executive vice president wanted me out of the building
   by lunch.
       When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for
   "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her
   copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the
   word "pedagogical" circled in red.
       The Human Resources (HR) manager was fairly reasonable,
   and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made
   a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not
   to worry. He would take care of it.
       Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out --
   directing us that no words which could not be found in the
   local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
       A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy,
   I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
   the Sunday paper.
================================================
[from Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

For those of you not taking Andrew Hewitt's course on "The
Literature of for those who need help in the "hey I want to take you
home" department here's a sample of action around the new LOVEMAKER
V3.1 SOFTWARE.

                         LOVEMAKER V3.1
 By: Jeff MacGregor


  Welcome to the LoveMaker! (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (c) 1997)

  At the prompt, please enter your response.

  I am the LOVEMAKER.  A personalized, interactive poetry assistance
program.  What is your name?

>JOHN
  What a nice name, JOHN.  You must be a man.

>YES
  How nice for you.  Who is your poem for, JOHN?

>SHEILA
  How nice for SHEILA.  She must be a woman?

>YES
  SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN.  Is she?

>YES
  What is the occasion, JOHN?

>VALENTINE'S DAY

  SHEILA is a very lucky woman.  I will need information about SHEILA
  for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN. 
  What color are her eyes?

>BLUE
  Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Are they blue
  like the sky after a clearing storm?  Are they the icy blue of the 
far flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery? Are they the steely 
blue of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks?  Are they a 
cornflower blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?

>THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY
  Thank you, JOHN.  What about SHEILA'S hair?

>BLOND

  Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Is it ash blond
  with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel? When the sun 
hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun 
gold? Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the 
dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?

>I THINK SHE DYES IT
  Thank you, JOHN.  Are there any other characteristics we should
mention in our poem to SHEILA?

>
>
>
  JOHN, are you still there?

>SKIN?
  Thank you, JOHN.  But could you be more specific?  Is it fine and
alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by
master craftsmen? Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished
silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving
strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

>SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK
  SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN.  You must have deep
feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.

>YES
  How nice for you, JOHN.  What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would
like?

>?
  My MENU (Alt+M) offers the following styles.
  At the prompt, please choose ONE:

+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral |  Sonnet | Elegy
| |-------------------------------------------------------------- | | 
 Epic  | Ballad  |  Lyric   |   Ode   |   Idyll  |  Haiku  | |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+

>?
  That's O.K., JOHN.  How do you see yourself?  Please choose ONE:


+---------------------------------------------------------------+
|  Laureate | Bard | Sonneteer | Troubadour | Meistersinger |
|
|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 
Jongleur |  Versifier  |  Rhapsodist | Lyricist |   Other |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+

>OTHER
  Can you be more specific?

>I GUESS...
  Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, >

  JOHN?

>
>
>
>
  JOHN?

>I'M THINKING
  May I make a suggestion, JOHN?

>SURE
  Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN.  A man who
lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite. A man who grabs
great platters from the groaning board of  this world and eats his
fill.  A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes
it his own.  A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and
commands it.  A man with a reckless bent and the courage of fire.  A
man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in
t  destined to be the envy of other men.  A man that few can  ever
understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom
it might be said...

 Would that Alexander in his age had but half the measure of his
 strong stout heart or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true, pooled 
with azure purpose.  No earthbound mortal he, but master o'er each 
and all...

  Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?

>YES
  I thought so.  I'll use my random SEARCH MODE (Alt+S) to choose an
appropriate style for you, JOHN.  One that truly expresses your deep
feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.

  Please wait...

  To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.

>Alt+P
 Dear SHEILA,

 Roses are red
 Violets are blue
 Your hair is blond
 And your eyes are gray (when angry)

 JOHN


  Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
================================================
