9/8/97

Subject: The Game of Romance...

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them)
from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from
Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115.

Simple Duties

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy: -2 
Named Tiffany: -4 
Tiffany is a dancer: -6 
Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons

You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear:
-6 
And you didn't even go to college: -10 
And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals

You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You

You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close &
personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression: 0 
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the 
television or picking up a newspaper: +10 
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
================================================
Top Ten Reasons
Why Trick or Treating is better than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
else, because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!
+------------------------------+
[from Geoff's Joke List]

 What do you call 100 white guys chasing a black guy?

 The PGA tour
+------------------------------------------+
[from Lynn Brecka]

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure
that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights
and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus 
can see you, too!"

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around
the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"

The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

"Hah! So What?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.

"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a
Doberman!"
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that
it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her
instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he
would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my
head and say, 'Can't.  It's all booked up for a year.' 
================================================
[from HAND!]

The Goodbye Luncheon

To: Jim
From: Jodi
   If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me know
your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices are:
   --Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and
     served with rice pilaf
   --Popcorn Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a
     baked potato
   --Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast
     served with rice pilaf
OR
   --Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all
     in a light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over
     linguini with fresh brocolli

       Thanks! Jodi

To: Jodi
From: Jim

       Dear Jodi,

Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what to
order, and I have a question.

What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to
lead it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I
don't want anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken
Fresco". In fact I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see
me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and potatoes by
God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine,
with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to think about Eastern
Europeans making this wine for slave wages and making it badly. I want
the whole bottle. I want several. I want it served on a white
tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so soiled when we're done
that it can't even be used for rags. I want a meal to remember, in the
midst of bawdy company. I want someone to tell off-color jokes and I
want us all to laugh till we cry. I want some of us to discover that
the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls these last 5
years is a sexual rogue. I want several people to fail to return to
work afterward. I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from the
director's office in the wake of all this. I want the restaurant to
refuse to serve anyone from the Lab for the next two years. I want to
generate gossip. I want media coverage. I want arrests. I want some
careers launched and others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide
time into a before and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at
all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and stay.

That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I
can't have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
================================================
[from Parul, via GCFL]

To realize the value of ONE YEAR
  Ask a student who has failed his exam.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH
 Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK
 Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realize the value of ONE DAY
 Ask a daily wage labor.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR
 Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
 Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND
 Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
 Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND
 Ask ISRO's  PSLV  Team of scientists

To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
 "Ask a Hardware Engineer"!

And even then if you don't realize the value of time
 you must be a Software Engineer !!!
================================================
[from Allan, via REHU]

I continue to be disgusted by the lack of logic, the sloppy thinking,
and the sheer ignorance displayed by the world's poets. I have spoken
before about William ("Big Bill") Blakes absurd poem about the sick
rose and the invisible worm. For heaven's sake, Bill. It wasn't a
worm. It was an aphid. An aphid that could have been killed by any
number of readily available garden sprays, thus obviating the need for
the whole silly poem. But then, Blake was the poet who had to ask if
Jerusalem was builded in England. No, Bill, it wasn't. And Billy-Boy,
tigers don't spend a whole bunch of time burning, brightly or
otherwise. And it is spelled TIGER and not TYGER. Next time, use your
SpellCheck.

Even worse is the poet who wrote about Cortez viewing the Pacific
Ocean from a peak in Darien. Good grief. There is no way in which is
would be possible to see the Pacific Ocean from a peak in Darien, or,
for that matter, from anyplace else in Connecticut.
================================================
[from HAND!]

                 Top 10 Ways to Get Fired


10  Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being
    considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the
    promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.

 9  Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks,
    it doesn't mix well with thorazine."

 8  Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit
    jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your
    jacket and whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good
    quality stuff; who needs white-out?'

 7  Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way
    with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously
    around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you
    are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up
    with to.cut down on the time employees spend away from their
    desks.

 6  Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time
    by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time
    'planning' your vacations.

 5  Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new
    Folger's Crystals.

 4  Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. When
    you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and
    start a weekly pool.

 3  Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party. Dress like
    a pirate every other day of the year as well.

 2  Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The
    Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of
    the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America,
    Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

 1  Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

  Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

  "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
  "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
  "What sort of trouble?"
  "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
 away.",
  "Went away?"
  "They disappeared."
  "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
  "Nothing."
  "Nothing?"
  "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
  "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
  "How do I tell?"
  "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
  "What's a sea-prompt?"
  "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
  "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
 type."
  "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
  "What's a monitor?"
  "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
 have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
  "I don't know."
  "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
 power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
  ......"Yes, I think so."
  "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
 into the wall."
  ......"Yes, it is."
  "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
 two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
  "No."
  "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
 other cable."
  ......"Okay, here it is."
  "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
 back of your computer."
  "I can't reach."
  "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
  "No."
  "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
  "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because
 it's dark."
  "Dark?"
  "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
 in from the window."
  "Well, turn on the office light then."
  "I can't."
  "No? Why not?"
  "Because there's a power outage."
  "A power...  A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
 you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
 came in?"
  "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
  "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
 it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
 from."
  "Really? Is it that bad?"
  "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
  "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
  "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
================================================
[forwarded by Dave Wigley, on REHU]

 INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover.  By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.  You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights).  You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then
enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you
have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the
dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package
label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking
and press start.  The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook
the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted.  This is a simple procedure.  Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter 
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to 
be repeated.  Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold 
reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty.  These are for future menu items.  If the tray is
too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment.


Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners.  Future releases will only be in the larger
family size.  Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. 
================================================
[from Brook Waddell, via "Geoff's Joke List"]

THE 5 TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK - AND THEIR ANSWERS   

The five questions are:
  1 -  "What are you thinking?"
  2 -  "Do you love me?"
  3 -  "Do I look fat?"
  4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"   
  5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

 1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
 beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
things:
     a -  Baseball
     b -  Football
     c -  How fat you are.
     d -  How much prettier she is than you.
     e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died. 

2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is "Yes." 
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may 
answer 'Yes, dear.'

Wrong answers include:
    a -  I suppose so.
    b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
    d -  Does it matter?
    e -  I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if 
         you died.

 3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is
to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room.

 Wrong answers include:
   a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
   b -  Compared to what? 
   c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
   d -  I've seen fatter. 
   e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your     
        insurance policy.

4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the 
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at
so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a
movie you just saw.  In any case, the correct response is, "No, you
are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
   a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
   b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things. 
   c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
   d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
   e -  I'm sorry, what did you say?  I was thinking of how I would 
        spend the insurance money if you died.

5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning
for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the
first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This might be the
stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following
stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"      
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why do
You ask such a question?" 
"Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. 
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. 
"Of course I do, dear" he said. 
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"  
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." 
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. 
"Yes" said the husband. 
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long  
pause. 
"Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.     
"I see," said the wife indignantly.  "And would you let her wear my 
old clothes?" 
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. 
"Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the pictures 
of me and replace them with pictures of her?" 
"Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do." 
"Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose 
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." 
"Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed."    
================================================
[forwarded by Marsha, on REHU]

   COMPUTER TERMS

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "our son's computer
cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time
bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer
screen for more than 15 minutes. Also, what computer magazine
companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to
avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too
much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to
perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer
keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer
showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to
house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half
hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment
you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like
to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because
you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this
word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see
your hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before
you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week
and a  half.

TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good
deals on hot computers.

WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally
erase  a program that took you three days to set up. 
================================================
[from D1TrueGod, via "Geoff's Joke List"]

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? 
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
      guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
      the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
      single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man
      thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
      hunger.  What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or
      5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for
life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and
a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies    
about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will
      ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares???

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
   2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through
      windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
      and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
================================================
[from Aynalem, via HAND!]

This collection was selected from the "Weird Reference Questions"
thread that ran on LIBSUP-L, the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv in
July 1997.  Names and locations have been deleted partly because it
was a lot easier to do it that way and partly to protect the
reputations of all concerned. All of these situations are real and
some of them were mighty embarrassing.  Enjoy!

   Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
           library reference desk workers of various levels.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, Waltzing through Grand
Rapids."  (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?"  (Actual title:
"Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?"  This was asked of a person sitting at
a desk who had hanging above her head a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost
$39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on
National Park Sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus,
King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of
important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm
having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me
back to jail for a couple of months."

=-=-= Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by American and
      Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"

===
   Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I
   forgot to write down the author and title.  It's big and red and I 
found it on the top shelf.  Can you find it for me?"
   Mental answer: "Books classified by color are shelved downstairs in
the [non-existent] third sub-basement."
   Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you found the book
the first time?"

=====
In an art library:
   Patron: Do you have any books on Art?
   Ref: Yes.  Did you have a certain artist in mind, or a period or
    style in mind?
   Patron: No.
   Ref: I guess you'll have to look through our 120,000 books and
      see if you find anything.
   Patron: OK.

=====
   Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
   Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up:
 "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

=====
Telephone patron:  Do you have books on leaves?
  Library worker:  Nope, we keep them on shelves.
(She then hung up.  Can you tell she's not too fond of Reference
duty?)

=====
   Caller: "I have a painting by Vincent Van Gogh.  It's all blue with
 swirly stars on it.  Can you tell me where I can get it appraised?"
   Ref.  :  "Sir, does it say 'Metropolitan Museum of Art' on the
 bottom?  It does?  Well, what you have there is a poster that
 they sell in the gift shop.  I think they're about $10.00."

=====
  Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
     Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
  Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life size?"
     Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use right now!"

=====
  Patron: "I have to write a two-page paper on the Civil War, can you
  help?"
     Ref: "What aspect of the war interests you?"
  Patron: "What aspect? You mean I have to choose something in
  particular about it? I thought I'd just write about the whole 
thing"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Part 3: Wendall: a special case (Used with permission)
                 written by Christina Frankenfield
Before I moved to Roanoke, I worked in a public library in Richlands,
VA (about 1 1/2-2 hours southwest of Roanoke -- where the new Miss
Virginia is from, as a matter of fact!). We had "regular" patrons as
does every institution. One of our regulars was named Wendall. Wendall
was one of several self-proclaimed "town drunks." He was a sweetheart
of a guy, but he was an alcoholic. Everyone knew who he was.  Everyone
knew where he lived: Under an overpass on the outskirts of town. 
That's right; Wendall was officially homeless. One day, he walked
through our door, obviously drunk, but not causing any problems, and
asked if he could get a library card. Logically, the answer was no.
However, standing there looking at him, you couldn't make yourself say
it. So we made a deal with him. We would give him a "special" card
that he could use for any of our old paperbacks (these were items
which had ever been/would never be catalogued, donations mostly).
Wendall thought he was really something with his "special" card. He
carried it proudly and never came through the door without it. He read
old westerns and an occasional romance (he remarked several times that
his favorites were the ones with "them perty women on the fronts"). In
the two years I worked there, Wendall never had an overdue item,
either. And he _was_ an avid user once he got that card!

What was my point here? I think it was just to remind all of us that
even the dumbest questions can lead to something positive (not
usually, but every now and then). A homeless man walks in to apply for
a library card. You know he doesn't have anything with a current
residential address on it. But you make an exception, limiting his
choices to freebies, and you've made some sort of impact on a man's
life. That's what libraries are supposed to be about, right? Opening
doors, making accessible opportunities for people? As I read the
thread about "weird questions," I couldn't help but think of Wendall.
Perhaps some of you have a Wendall, too. If so, take good care of him.
Wendalls are treasures of a special kind! Have a good evening!


Editors Note: Find a Wendall in your life. Paraphrasing the Talmud:
     To change one man's life is to change them all..
================================================
[forwarded by Chuch Cole, on REHU]

What is a woman curmudgeon called?

Attila the Honey
+----------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the
druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.  This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up.  I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house
with both house and car keys inside.  I had to break a window to get
my keys.

Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.  Then, about
three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.  When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.  I
got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.  I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still
ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it.  It was your wife - she wanted to know how to
use a rectal thermometer.  And Mister, I TOLD HER!"
+--------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on REHU]

O.K., there are three mental patients are being considered for
release, so this professor comes to ask them all a question. The first
patient comes in and the professor says, "What is 2+2?" and the first
patient says, "5,000!" and the proff. says "I'm sorry that's not
correct". 

The second patient comes in and the proff. asks the patient, "What's
2+2?" and the patient says, "Tuesday!". The proff. says "Sorry, your
wrong!". 

The third patient comes in and the proff. asks the same question and
the patient says, "4". The professor is amazed and asked how he got
the answer. To that the patient replied, "I divided 5,000 by
Tuesday!" 
================================================
[from GCFL]

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:

 Pat Buchanan:
  To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

 Machiavelli:
  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why? The
  ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

 Thomas de Torquemada:
  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

 Timothy Leary:
  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it
  take.

 Carl Jung:
  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
  individual chickens cross roads.  This brought such occurrences into
  being.

 John Locke:
  Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

 Albert Camus:
  It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to
  him.

 The Bible:
  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
  "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and
  there was much rejoicing.

 Fox Mulder:
  It was a government conspiracy.

 Freud:
  The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals
  your underlying sexual insecurity.

 Darwin:
  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
  in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross
  roads

 Darwin #2:
  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

 Richard M. Nixon:
  The chicken did not cross the road.
  I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

 Oliver Stone:
  The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is
  rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we
  overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

 Jerry Seinfeld:
  Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think
  to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
  over the place anyway?"

 Martin Luther King, Jr.:
  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
  without having their motives called into question.

 Immanuel Kant:
  The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of
  his own free will.

 Grandpa:
  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone
  told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
  enough for us.

 Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
  I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my
  bathroom.

 Bill Gates:
  I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross
  roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it
  gets 1.4999999999.

 M.C.Escher:
  That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the
  time.

 George Orwell:
  Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was
  crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only
  serving their interests.

 Colonel Sanders:
  I missed one?

 Plato:
  For the greater good.

 Aristotle:
  To actualize its potential.

 Karl Marx:
  It was a historical inevitability.

 Nietzsche:
  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
  across you.

 B.F. Skinner:
  Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium
  from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would
  tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its
  own freewill.

 Jean-Paul Sartre:
  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
  found it necessary to cross the road.

 Albert Einstein:
  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
  chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 Pyrrho the Skeptic:
  What road?

 The Sphinx:
  You tell me.

 Buddha:
  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

 Emily Dickenson:
  Because it could not stop for death.

 Ralph Waldo Emerson:
  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

 Ernest Hemingway:
  To die. In the rain.

 Saddam Hussein:
  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
  in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 Saddam Hussein #2:
  It is the Mother of all Chickens.

 Joseph Stalin:
  I don't care.  Catch it.  I need its eggs to make my omelet.

 Dr. Seuss:
  Did the chicken cross the road?
  Did he cross it with a toad?
  Yes the chicken crossed the road,
  but why he crossed, I've not been told!

 O.J.:
  It didn't.  I was playing golf with it at the time.
================================================
[from IlanaBenMa, via HAND!]

WAYS TO DESCRIBE OUR MORE CEREBRALLY CHALLENGED FRIENDS
   (how to say someone is a bit stupid -- sayings beginning P-Z)

 Paged/swapped out.
 Paralyzed from the neck up.
 Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
 Pedalling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
 Permanently out to lunch.
 Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
 Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
 Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
 Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
 Playing hockey with a warped puck.
 Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
 Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
 Plays solitaire... for cash.
 Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
 Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later. 
 Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
 Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
 Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
 Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't 
annoying.
 Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like    
putting a pea on a six lane highway.
 Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
 Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
 Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
 Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
 Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
 Receiver is off the hook.
 Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
 Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
 Reset line is glitching.
 Result of a first cousin marriage.
 Room for rent, unfurnished.
 RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
 Running at 300 baud.
 Running on empty.
 Running U.S. appliances on British current.
 Runs squares around the competition.
 Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
 Sailboat fuel for brains.
 Sat under the ozone hole too long.
 Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
 Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
 Several nuts short of a full pouch.
 She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
 Short a few cards.
 Short-circuited between the earphones.
 Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
 Single-sided, low density.
 Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
 Skylight leaks a little.
 Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
 Slinky's kinked.
 Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
 Slow as molasses in January.
 Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
 So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
 So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
 So dumb, he faxes face up.
 So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
 So slow he has to speed up to stop.
 So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
 Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
 Some bugs in his software.
 Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
 Some pages missing.
 Someone blew out his pilot light.
 Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
 Someone let the air out of her lock.
 Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
 Source code is missing a few lines.
 Stocksy-babes (a truly vile British-slang insult).
 Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
 Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
 Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
 Surfing in Nebraska.
 Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
 Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
 Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
 The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
 The butter slipped off his noodle.
 The cheese slid off his cracker.
 The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
 The going got weird, and he turned pro.
 The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
 The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
 The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his 
ears.
 The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
 There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured
      with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
 Thick as a brick.
 Thinks at 5 baud.
 Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
 Thinks e=mc^2 is a rap star.
 thinks in lower case and types accordingly
 Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
 Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
 Three chickens short of a henhouse.
 Too many birds on her antenna.
 Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
 Too much yardage between the goal posts.
 Top paddock is full of rocks.
 Toys in the attic.
 Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
 Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
 Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
 Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
 Two bits shy of a word.
 Two chapters short of a novel.
 Two degrees off square.
 Two inches taller than spherical.
 Two pages short of a novel.
 Two saucers short of a tea-service.
 Two sheep short of a sweater.
 Two socks short of a pair.
 Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
 Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
 Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
 Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
 Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
 Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.
 Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
 Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
 Vacancy on the top floor.
 Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
 Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open. 
 Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
 Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
 Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
 Wasn't strapped in during launch.
 Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
 Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
 With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
 Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
 Zero K memory.
================================================
[forwarded by Lela Lowe, on REHU]

This is the first in, I hope a series of posts over the long term to
update the liturgy for the modern age.  Let me begin with the
Exhortation from Morning Prayer (adapted from BCP (Canada), 1962).

Dearly beloved users, the Scripture moveth us at sundry terminals to
acknowledge our manifold bugs and "undocumented features;" and that
we should neither anonymise nor submit the under a false username
before the server of Almighty God our heavenly Techie; but confess
them with humble, lowly, penitent, and obedient fingers; to the end
that we may obtain debugging of the same, by his infinite goodness
and tech support.

And although we ought at all times humbly to acknowledge our bugs
before God; yet ought we most chiefly so to do, when we assemble and
meet together to render thanks for the great benefits we have received
at his hands(1), to set forth his most worthy praise, to receive his
most holy Download, and to ask those things which are requisite and
necessary, as well for the hardware as the software.

Wherefore I pray and beseech you, as many as are here connected, to
accompany me with a flawless download and humble fingers unto the
website of the heavenly grace.

___
1. "at his hands" obviously refers to benefits gained through God's
most heavenly Keyboard, and "the great benefits" refer to upgrades to
registered users. (-:
================================================
[from Aynalem, via HAND!]

I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not
dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond.
  - Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy.
  - Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't even want to do
anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
  - Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my
job.
  - Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
  - Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That
was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
  - Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a
macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
  - Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him.  He told me he was pregnant
  - Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
  - Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
  - Sue Grafton

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
  - Gilda Radner

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
  - Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't.  So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
  - Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next
door to an amusement park.
  - Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet.  My mother told me it's
because it's cold in there.  And I'm like: How did my mother know
THAT?
  - Wendy Liebman

I think -- therefore I'm single.
  - Lizz Winstead
================================================
[from Barbara, on REHU]

I never took hallucinogenic drugs, because I never wanted my
consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. -- Fran Lebowitz

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis
is alive? -- Irv Kupcinet

The time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering!
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-- H. L. Mencken

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. --
Bob Wells

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less
ambitious project. -- Anonymous graffiti

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana. -- Lisa Grossman

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana ... The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what
they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's "Today show", August 22 [1997?]

Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a
   ball in the 1934 World Series
================================================
[from Heidi Thompson, via "The Humour List"]

The top 10 ways to get kicked off a jury:

10.  When the prosecutor approaches the jury boc, attempt to give him
your drink order.

9.  Snore so loud that it wakes the other jurors.

8.  Ask for a conjugal visit with the judge's wife.

7.  When items are held up to be entered as evidence, shout out a bid.

6.  Snicker loudly whe witnesses swear to tell the truth.

5.  Wear a rainbow wig and hold a JOHN 3:16 sign.

4.  Leap from your seat and try to wrestle the service revolver from a
court officer.

3.  Show up three consecutive days with pie on your face.

2.  Every time someone objects, knock back a jell-o shot.

1.  Refuse to remove your Walkman.
================================================
[from Alexis van-L-Maas, via HAND!]

            An Artistic Personality Test

        On a blank piece of paper draw a pig.


  It spoils it if you scroll all the way down before sketching.

  YOU MUST NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE.  NO CHEATING,
  NOW.  YOU WILL FIND THIS MORE INTERESTING IF YOU DRAW YOUR PICTURE
  FIRST!

  So, on a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read
  the interpretation of your pig!!

  C'mon, Draw your pig first!  And don't look at the next part until
  you are done!  It won't be fun if you look first.











  The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the
  drawer.

  If the pig is drawn:

  Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
  Toward the middle, you are a realist.
  Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to
  behave negatively.

  Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember
  dates (birthdays, etc.) Facing right, you are innovative and active,
  but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
  Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's
  advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

  With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
  With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for
  details and are a risk-taker.

  With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living
  through a period of major change.
  With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your
  ideals.

  The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are.
  The bigger the better.

  The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life.
  (And again more is better!)
================================================
[From Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

        APPLICATION FOR CITIZENSHIP TO THE STATE OF KANSAS

Name________________________________________________________
        Last            First                   Middle

Real Name___________________________________________________
        Last            First                   Middle

Other aliases_______________________________________________

             _______________________________________________

             _______________________________________________

Address         Route #_____________________    Box #_______

                Village ____________________    State ______

                Zip Code ___________________

Schooling       Highest Level Completed         Preschool______

                                                Kindergarten___

                                                First Grade____

                                                Other__________

Sex     Yes______       No______

Telephone Number    Yes_______          No_______       Don't
Know________

Reason for Requesting Citizenship

                _______Fleeing the law

                _______Fleeing the wife

                _______Fleeing those out to get me (you know who you
                are)

Occupation      _______Cowboy

                _______Buffalo Gal

                _______Oil Tycoon

                _______Roustabout

                _______Aviator

                _______Aviatrix

                _______Pleading the Fifth

Species         _______Little Girl

                _______Tin Man

                _______Straw Man

                _______Lion

                _______Witch

                _______Wizard

                _______Munchkin

                _______Flying Monkey

                _______Winky (the guards at the evil witch's castle)

I plan to live in

                _______The Emerald City

                _______Munchkinland

                _______Dodge City

                _______Boot Hill

                _______Abilene

                _______Kansas City here I come!

                _______Smallville (Superman's hometown)

I am a          _______free-stater

                _______slave stater

Political Affiliation

                _______Republican

                _______Posse Comatatus

                _______Aryan Nation

                _______Militia Movement

Religious Beliefs

                ______I believe in God

                ______I am God

Who do you think would make the better president?

                ______Bob Dole

                ______Jesus Christ

Which of the following is your role model?

       If male:

                ______Buffalo Bill

                ______Bat Masterson

                ______John Brown

                ______Dwight Eisenhower

                ______Frank Dalton

       If female:

                _____Carrie Nation

                _____Amelia Earhart

                _____Annie Oakley

                _____Nancy Kassebaum

                _____Belle Starr

Favorite Music Group

                _____Kansas

Favorite Artist

                _____John Steuart Curry

Favorite President

                _____Dwight Eisenhower

Favorite Vacation Destination

                _____Colorado

Most Detested State

                _____Missouri

I Support

                _____KU

                _____K State

        I hereby request permission to live in Kansas.

        ________________________________________________
                Signature (Real or Forged Permissable)

After completing application, put it in an envelope and address it to
State of Kansas. Then take the letter, throw it away, and move here
whenever you want. We have no way tracking you.
================================================
[From Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

****************  APPLICATION TO LIVE IN ARKANSAS  *****************

Name:_______________________________________________________________

Nickname:___________________________  CB Handle:____________________

Address (RFD):______________________________________________________

Daddy (if unknown afix list of 3 suspects):_________________________

Neck size:____ [] Light Red   [] Medium Red   [] Dark Red   [] Other

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:_______  Upper:_____ Lower:____

Make of Pickup:_________________________ Tire Size:_________________

Hounds:_____________ Type: [] Blue Tick  [] Beagle  [] Black and Tan

Length of right leg:__________  Length of left leg:__________

other:_________

How many cars/makes in front yard? _________________________________
How many on blocks? ________________________________________________

How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ________________________
back porch? _________________________

When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _____________________
____________________________________________________________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags?  [] Yes   [] No

Are you married to any of the following?  (circle all that apply)

-Sister   -Cousin    -Cousin's Sister
-Other, Explain:____________________________________________________

Have you EVER had more than one bath a week?
[] No   [] Yes, Explain:___________________________________________


*Medical Information*

Do you have at least two (2) of the following:  [] B.O.  [] Lice
[] Crabs  [] Bad Breath  [] Hoof in Mouth  [] Scabs  [] Fleas
[] Infected Tatoos  [] Crossed eyes  [] Runny Nose  [] Green Teeth []
Yellow Teeth  [] Any Teeth  [] Speach Impediment

*General Information*

Can you count past 20 without stripping?  [] yes  [] no  [] never
tried

Favorite Weapon: [] Tire Iron  [] Pick Handle
[] Log Chain  [] Shotgun

Favorite Pastime: [] Drinkin'  [] Coon Huntin'
[] Fishin'   [] Fuedin'[] Other

Truck equipped with:  [] Gun Rack  [] Fuzzbuster  [] 8-Track
[] Rebel Flag  [] Roll Bar  [] C.B. Radio
[] Beer Cans  [] Squirrel Tail  [] Bull Horns

Favorite Vocalist:  [] Elvis (the young Elvis)
[] Elvis (the old Elvis)
[] Elvis (dead)

Cap Emblems: [] John Deere  [] CAT  [] SKOAL  [] Budweiser
[] Bud Dry  [] Jack Daniels  [] Teamsters local


Merberships: [] NRA  [] VFW  [] KKK  [] 700 Club
[] B.P.O.E.  [] Sine-aid Society

Do you vote?  [] Yes  [] No  [] What's that?

Have you ever been in jail?  [] Yes  [] No  [] Born there

Your Signature (one X will do):____________________________Date:_____
================================================
[forwarded by John Hanscom, on REHU]

Beer-Driven Etymology

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the brides's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer,
and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or
finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast.
Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would
die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of
thumb."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get
the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear
from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer
looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the
pasengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the
seamen might have the more beer."

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or
ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without
armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt"
in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and
called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog," after the stiff wool grogram coats
he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink
itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy," a word
still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the
phrase inspired by this practice. 
================================================
[from HAND!]

Alexis van Lutsenburg Maas sends some one liners:

 I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of
 her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

 This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop
 for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

 The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know
 everything.

 The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and
 making meetings end.


>From Mmcxii who received it from  M. T. Kerns:

     After the Great Britian Beer Festival, in London, all the
  brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
     The guy from corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would
  like the world's best beer, a Corona."  The bartender dusts off a
  bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
     The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the
  world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."  The bartender
  gives him one.
     The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with
  Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."  He gets it.
     The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
  The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
  ordered.
     The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask
  "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"  and the Guinness president
  replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."


A joke those of you with young kids may appreciate:

  One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard
  of a Kindergarten. When he finally struggled out of the
  wreckage, the astronaut shouted, "I'm free! I'm free!!!"

  At this point, one of the little children standing there
  shouted back, "Big deal, I'm four!"
================================================
[from Tigerman, on REHU]

There was a fellow who applied for a job as a press aide for a
Congressman. Not long after he submitted his application, he received
word from the official's office: "Your resume is full of
exaggerations, distortions, half-truths and lies. Can you start work
Monday?"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in
the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared
at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised, buddy, this is part
of my job." "Incredible!" muttered the man. "I can't believe it! I'm
going to tell your boss what a prize he has in you -- an animal that
can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that bum finds
out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phones!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

>From the Financial Times

A man Carrying a pole, enters the Olympic arena, but is stopped by the
guards. "Are you a pole vaulter?" queries one of the guards. "No --
German, but how did you know my first name?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Once upon a time in a rural English village, there lived a large and
frisky tomcat. He outshone all the other tomcats in the village and
was constantly getting the female members of the feline population
into the family way.

The villagers eventually got fed up with all this, and after a village
meeting, they decided that the cat should be apprehended, taken to the
local veterinary surgeon, and castrated. This was subsequently done,
and village life once more settled down into dull routine.

Late one night, one of the villagers was walking home from the pub
when upon approaching the village green he heard a large commotion. As
he came nearer, he saw our friend the (ex) tomcat, standing in the
middle of the green communicating something -- in cat language -- to a
gathering of young tomcats who were sitting around him in a circle,
and there the story ends.

But there is a moral in this tale, and that is, if you can't do the
job yourself, become a consultant !!!
================================================
[from Allan on REHU]

OK, Cliff, I don't mind your learning a little humility, but don't
for a moment even DREAM you will ever achieve as much humility as I
have. I have won Humility Awards at 6 county fairs and am the holder
of the Donald Trump Humility Medal WITH OAK-LEAF CLUSTERS. Gaining a
little humility is a desirable aim, but don't you forget for a moment
that I've got more modesty and humility in my little finger than any
dozen REHUvians put together.

So there.
+-------------------------------+
[forwarded by Aditya, on REHU]

"The preceding program portrayed New York City police officers engaged
in the vigorous pursuit of lawbreakers.  Viewers are reminded that
only fourteen laws are actually enforced in New York City, and that
nine of them are parking violations." (Proposed disclaimer for NYPD
Blue.)
+-------------------------------+
[from Walt, on REHU]

"Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they have six bullets of .45
caliber."
+-------------------------------+
[from Aditya, on REHU]

 One day God was looking down on the Earth and realized it was
 overrun with bad people.  So God wrote a letter to the few good
 people left telling them how to turn all the bad people into good
 people like themselves.


 What do you mean, "what did it say?"   ... Didn't you get one?
================================================
[all three were forwarded by Ivan]

A farm boy accidentally turned over his wagon-load of corn on the
side of the road.  The farmer who lived nearby came out to
investigate. 

"Hey Willis!"  the farmer called to the boy.  "Forget your troubles
for a spell and come on in and have dinner with us.  Then I'll help
you get the wagon up."  

"That's mighty nice of you,"Willis answered, "But I don't think    
Pa would like me to." 

"Aw come on." the farmer insisted.  

"well OK" the boy finally agreed, "But pa won't like it." 

After a hearty meal of chicken fried steak, cream gravy, black-eyed
peas, corn on the cob and sweet potato, topped off by a double
helping of pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream all over it,
Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I just know Pa is going to be real
upset."  

"Aw, don't be foolish!"  the neighbor said smiling.  "By the way,
where is he?"  "Under the wagon."

 #2

>From 2011 to 2029, more then 70 million baby boomers will become
eligible to collect Soc. Sec.  The generation that had it all is
getting up there, and it's starting to hurt.  

It's like the story about the old man who was crying on a park bech
one afternoon.  A young woman happened to walk by, and feeling sorry
for the old guy, she stopped to talk to him for a few minutes.  

"What's the matter, old fella?"  she said smilling, "Don't you have
any money?"        

"No, no, it's not that, he cried.  I cahsed in my 401 K yesterday and
have $10 million under my bed."  

"Don't you have any friends?"  "No, no, it's no that, he sobbed,   
I've got dozens of friends who drop by every week."  

"Don't you have anyone to love?"  "No,no it's not that,he bawled as
tears began to flow.  I have a beautiful wife who was last year's
playboy playmate of the year."  "Well, then, what's your problem?" 
she asked.  

"I can't remember where I live!"

 #3

Some pro golfers at the PGA Championship this week  are notorious
womanizers.  Every Tuesday morning, they have to leave home for the
next tournament. 

One touring pro said goodbye to his wife with the same set of
instructions every week.  "Whatever you do," He'd tell her, "Don't
look in the top dresser drawer."  

After a year of this, he flew home one Sunday night and his wife   
had 'That Look' on her face.  "You looked in the drawer didn't you?"
he asked. 

She replied: "We always promised to tell each other the absolute
truth, Honey.  Yes I looked in the drawer.  I found three golf balls,
and $94,600 in cash.  Now, what's this all about?"  

"Well," he said, "each time I cheated on you, I put a new golf ball
in that drawer." 

"OK," she replied.  "Thanks for leveling with me.  Now what about the
$94,600?"  

"Well,"  he said sheepishly, "every time I got a dozen golf balls, I
sold them." 
================================================
[forwarded by Greg, on REHU]

Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned
to mangle both.  Historian Anders Henriksson, a five year veteran of
the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman
students' more striking insights into European history.  Possibly as
an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured
fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the
present.

During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged.  Church and state
were co-operated.  Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords,
and surfs.  After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared.
Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big
fairies in the countryside.  The Crusades were expeditions by
Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of
Christ) from the Islams.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular.  Finally,
Europe caught the Black Death.  It was spread from port to port by
inflected rats.  The plague also helped the emergence of English as
the national language of England, France, and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt.  The renesance bolted in from the
blue.  Life reeked with joy.  Italy became robust, and more
individuals felt the value of their human being.  Italy, of course,
was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. 
Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads
had to roll!  It became sheik to be educated.  Europe was full of
incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. 
Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were
going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures.  The popes were
usually Catholic.  An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a
church door.  Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation.
Anabaptist services tended to be migratory.  Monks went right on
seeing themselves as worms.  The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th
century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal.  If the
Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold
throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central
Europe and India thus surrounding France.  The German Emperor's lower
passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louis XIV became King of the Sun.  He gave people food and artillery.
If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the
rest of their lives.  Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.

In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of
the serfs.  Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. 
Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests
became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltaire wrote a book called
Candy that got him into trouble.  Philosophers were unknown yet, and
the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused
with defeatism.

France was in a serious state.  Taxation was a great drain on the
state budget.  The French revolution was accomplished before it
happened.  The revolution catapaulted into Napolean.  Napoleon was ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History started in 1815.  Industrialization was precipitating in
England.  Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a
population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the
loose.

The middle class was tired and needed a rest.  The old order could see
the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake.  Among the goals of
the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon.
Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the
north.  Culture formented from its tip to its top.  Dramatized were
adventures in seduction and abortion.  Music reeked with reality.
Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat
"historical."

World War I broke out about 1912-1914.  At war people get killed, and
then they aren't people any more, but friends.  Peace was proclaimed
at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of
England.  President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers.  In 1917, Lenin
revolted Russia.

Germany was displaced after WW1.  This gave rise to Hitler, who
remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and
France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and
invaded Hi Lee Salasy.  Germany invaded Poland, France invaded
Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody.  War screeched to an end when a
nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima.  A whole generation had
been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the
peaces.

The last stage is us.
================================================
[from Tigerman, on REHU]

The Blind Salesman

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod
to give to her husband for his birthday.

A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and
asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?"
she answers.

The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see
the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter
I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the
counter.

He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with
ultralight tackle - $20."

Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise
as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is
blind and has no idea who she is.

Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for
the fish bait."
================================================
