9/16/97

[from Henry G. Keyser]

Husband comes home from work one day to find his car parked in the
driveway.  Wondering why he gets in and turns the ignition  on and
the car goes "bang, bang, pop, pop , sputter, sputter, rattle,
rattle. At this point his wife comes out and the husband turns to her
and says: "You've got to take better care of this car"  

To which she replied:  "Honey I was just waiting for you to come
home because you just wave your hand and it's all fixed."

The husband replied:  Who do you think that I am Mr. Goodwrench?"

The wife continues. "Also Honey the washing machine is not level and
when it gets into the spin cycle it jumps all over the laundry room."

Husband:  "I'm not the Maytag Repair man" and he proceeds to lecture
her on her duties in taking care of things mechanical around the
house. 	 

Scene two: Next evening Husband come home from work finds car in
driveway and again goes and turns on the ignitionand the car just
goes purrrrrr, purrrrrrr.  He walks into the house and washing
machine is on and is the spin cycle and is steady as a rock.  He then
compliments his wife and telling her that's what he expects. So he
doesn't have to be bothered with trivial details.  

He said; "Who fixed these things"? 

His wife responded : "Dear you know that new man that just moved in
across the street - you know the one WHO JUST GOT DIVORCED!!! It
ONLY TOOK HIM ABOUT 15 MINUTES."

"How much did he charge you" was the husbands question. 

"That's what I asked him" the good wife said.  "How much do you 
want."

The man across the street answered that she could either have sex
with him or bake him a pie. 

The husband looked at her and said: "What kind of a pie did you 
make?"

to which the wife responded: 
"WHO DO YOU THINK I AM---BETTY CROCKER"?. 
================================================
[forwarded by Mark Huth]

Things you wouldn't hear a southerner say

 We don't keep firearms in this house.
 Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
 You can't feed that to the dog.
 I thought Graceland was tacky.
 No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
 Wrasslin's fake.
 Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
 We're vegetarians.
 Do you think my hair is too big?
 I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
 Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
 Who's Richard Petty?
 Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
 Deer heads detract from the decor.
 Spitting is such a nasty habit.
 I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
 Trim the fat off that steak.
 Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
 The tires on that truck are too big.
 I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
 I've got it all on a floppy disk.
 Unsweetened tea tastes better.
 Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
 My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
 I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
 Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
 Checkmate.
 She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
 Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
 Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
 I don't have a favorite college team.
 I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
 Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
 Elvis who?
 Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
================================================
[forwarded by Barbara Scheele]

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the letter you sent informing me of your Adult
Web site.  My brothers and sisters weren't too happy with your site's
contents.

I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new altar boy that
just moved into town.  We contacted your local parish and the local
Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.

He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and see that
you attend the next prayer meeting.  He has reserved this Sunday night
at 7 so that you can explain your business to the fellowship.

I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group, which will
bring you 200 holy e-mail messages everyday.

There is no need to thank me.  The Lord works in wondrous way!  Your
sending that e-mail to me was the Lord telling me that you are calling
for help.

--Father McDonnell

(source:  Christopher Ryan <aksdjklf@akjdkl.njkl;s> and posted on
 Joke-L <listserv@lserv.com>)
--------------------------------------------------
One piece of spam is too much for many people. -- Sanford Wallace
--------------------------------------------------
There once was a man of St. Jude, 
Who tried to cook SPAM in the nude. 
He cooked it too long, 
And unless I am wrong, 
You expected this line to be lewd.

(source:  Joke-L <listserv@lserv.com>)
====================================================
>From two sig. mottoes:
----------------------------------------------------
English--phooey!  Why do I need that?  I'm never going to England.
--Homer Simpson
----------------------------------------------------
The difference between truth and fiction:  fiction has to make
sense. -- Mark Twain
================================================
[from the JokeMaster Funnies list, via HAND!]

                             VANITY PLATES
                               Thanks to
                              PAULA in NH

   Plate:   ICNCYDU
   Meaning: I see inside you, a radiologist's plate

   Plate:   CYIMBRK
   Meaning: See Why I'm broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck

   Plate:   OH2B39
   Meaning: A woman in her early 50's has had this plate for about the
            last ten years

   Plate:   YURNEXT
   Meaning: On the car of an undertaker

   Plate:   1DFOAL
   Meaning: Wonderful on a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse

   Plate:   2PCME
   Meaning: To pee, see me! Urologist's plate

   Plate:   2QT4U
   Meaning: Too cute for you, the driver was a beautiful woman driving

   Plate:   4SAFETY
   Meaning: on a Volvo, what else?

   Plate:   6ISENUF
   Meaning: "6 is enough".  6 kids is enough

   Plate:   80 INCH
   Meaning: Yes, this guy is vain, but he's not exaggerating. The 80
            inch refers to the 80 inch motor on a '82 Harley Davidson

   Plate:   9MPGWOW
   Meaning: 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille

   Plate:   AV8RX
   Meaning: Aviator-X.  Wife of a pilot who is also a pilot

   Plate:   GO TPLS
   Meaning: Go Topless! On a 1968 Camaro Convertible
            Owner has been flashed on warm evenings

   Plate:   KPASAMDK
   Meaning: (Que) Pasa MD, What's up doc?

   Plate:   NOMODO
   Meaning: No More Dough, on a Veerrrry expensive car

   Plate:   OL FART
   Meaning: The loving family presented the old fart with a new
            plate for his 95 911 Porsche

   Plate:   PP DR
   Meaning: This plate belongs to a urologist in the Detroit area

   Plate:   PULN GS
   Meaning: Pulling Gs, on a 300ZX

   Plate:   EX WIFE
   Meaning: That says it all and was on an old Volvo

   Plate:   2ND WIFE
   Meaning: On a new Mercedes

   Plate:   3RD WIFE
   Meaning: On a beat up Ford

   Plate:   MYREVNG
   Meaning: My Revenge (Divorcee)

   Plate:   HESMINE
   Meaning: On a Porsche driven by a male model

   Plate:   TOOLONG
   Meaning: On a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine
            Seattle, WA

   Plate:   W8N4FRI
   Meaning: Waitin' for Friday...join the club!

   Plate:   WNDWS95
   Meaning: Windows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van

   Plate:   XITHWY1
   Meaning: Exit Highway 1.  a trucker's plate, Highway 1 was old
            CB slang for trucker heaven

   Plate:   XKWIZIT
   Meaning: Exquisite, on a '56 speedster

   Plate:   ZMEGOBYU
   Meaning: See me go by you!

   Plate:   CME4AD8
   Meaning: See me for a date

   Plate:   CME4DK
   Meaning: See me for decay, on a dentist's car

   Plate:   CME4LUV
   Meaning: See me for love, Dr. Ruth Westheimer's car?
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the
Star Trek Universe

10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on
"stun".

9)  The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit
    and a crew of twenty just to go into warp-- the Millenium Falcon
    does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8)  After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader,
    Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable-- after pithy
    Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7)  Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his
    action.

6)  Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
    encounters.

5)  One word: lightsabers.

4)  The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
    Slave I.

3)  The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

2)  Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1)  Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
    one-quarter impulse power.  Han Solo floors it.
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

Here are the latest viruses known to the PC World:

The Windows NT Virus: 
It does everything the OS/2 Virus did two years ago but not as well. 

The Chicago Virus: 
It pops up, threatens to totally change the way you use computers, and
then isn't heard from for another six months. 

The Alpha Virus: 
It makes your PC run twice as fast as it does with a Pentium, but
nobody cares. 

The Word for Windows Virus: 
It won't let you save files when system resources are running low.
Whoops, sorry.... That's not a virus, that's the program. 

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus: 
It lets your clipboard cut- but not paste. 

The Geraldo Virus: 
It won't let any multimedia applications talk, except about
cross-dressing. 

The NAFTA Virus: 
Your system goes south, and prices for replacement parts go up. 

The Liz Taylor Virus: 
One month it says your hard disk is 350MB, the next month it says it's
128MB, the next month 410MB.... 

The Tonya Harding Virus: 
It crashes your favorite applications but says another virus did it. 

The Menendez Brothers Virus: 
After ruthlessly attacking your data, it blames the attack on another
virus, and then it claims it was only defending itself from abusive
.EXE files. 

The Clinton Virus: 
After each Windows dialog box appears, a second dialog box appears,
telling you that the first dialog box didn't really mean what it said.


The Jurassic Virus: 
Reactivates WordStar, VisiCalc, FrameWorks, dBASE II, and other
programs you thought had been wiped off your hard disk eons ago. 

The Multimedia Virus: 
It makes you figure out the budget with a pocket calculator while it
lets your kids play Doom. 

The Video for Windows Virus: 
It reduces the size of all application windows to 3 inches by 2
inches. 

The Home Improvement Virus: 
It changes the Windows interface so your toolbars are never where you
left them. 

The GUI Virus: 
It activates only when you are on deadline and won't let you do
anything else until you have spent three hours designing new icons and
reorganizing your applications groups. 

-These were taken from Windows Sources, May 1994, Vol. 2 Number 5.
================================================
[from Sue Smorra, supposedly found at
http://cyberjester.home.ml.org  ]


In Clarendon, TX., it is illegal to dust any public building with a
feather duster.....

In Borger, TX., it is against the law to throw confetti, rubber
balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive
firecrackers of any kind.  (Real party poopers)

Portland, ME., makes it illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a
feather duster.

Georgia law provides that it is a misdemeanor for any citizen to
attend church worship on Sunday unless he is equipped with a rifle and
it is loaded.

It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon,
revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.

In Racine, WS., it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

In Fort Madison, IA., the fire department is required to practice fire
fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street
unless they are on a leash.

In Normal, IL., it is against the law to make faces at dogs.  (hmmm,
canine or human??)

Hartford, CT., makes it illegal to educate dogs.  (see above)

A Belvedere, CA., City Council order reads:  "No dog shall be in a
public place without its master on a leash."

In Paulding, OH., a policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

A law passed in Denver says that the dog catcher must notify dogs of
impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree
in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

In Tennessee, you can't shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.

In Cleveland, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Kansas law prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.

Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
================================================
[from Dustin Breese, via "The Humour List"]

	Texasisms!

She could talk the legs off a chair.

He's all hat and no horse.

So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.

He's so busy, you'd think he was twins.

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

Cold as a cast iron commode.

She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.

Ugly? Why she's so ugly that she needs to sneak up on a glass of
water else the glass breaks.

Confused as a goat on astro-turf.

Handy as hip pockets on a hog.

So ugly that his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't
have to kiss him goodbye.

Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.

So buck-toothed that he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket
fence.

If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a fly.
================================================
[from Kevin Earnst, via GCFL]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.  He looked
around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.  A genie appeared and
thanked the man for letting him out.  The genie said, "For your
kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."  The man thought
for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have
never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me
claustrophobic and ill.  So, I wish for a road to be built from here
to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can
do that.  Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed
to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the
bottom of the ocean.  Think of all the pavement that would be needed. 
No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing that I have always wanted.  I would like to be able to
understand women.  What makes them laugh and cry; why are they
temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically,
what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two
lanes or four?"
================================================
[from Mary Felix]

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of
being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, take out 10% of the beans.  Men: to prepare for paternity, go
to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter,
and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go
home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the
last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.
At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to
sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up
again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until
4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful!!

4. Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fishstick
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick  your fingers
in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayons.  How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all
morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last,
take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco
Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations.
You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Corvette and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them
down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue
and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've
had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare
at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about
ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
soggy Zweiback crackers and attempt to spoon them into the swaying
melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the
Zweibacks are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a
lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month
old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam
and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
================================================
[forwarded by RONALD A. VEENKER]

Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone. 
========== 
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them 
down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." 
========== 
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when 
you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a 
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 
========== 
One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to 
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old 
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke.  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late. 
========== 
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the 
face. 
========== 
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet 
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it 
shoot farther?"  "No, I'm sorry.  That's as far as it shoots." 
==========
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful 
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's 
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very 
beautiful painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk. 
==========
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our 
children's children, because I don't think children should be having 
sex. 
========== 
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 
is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute 
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 
========== 
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the 
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. 
========== 
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first 
instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant and she 
fell on me.  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 
========== 
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no 
choreography and the dancers hit each other. 
========== 
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they 
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with 
some good ideas. 
========== 
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons 
(maybe by shoving them down his throat). 
========== 
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call 
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, 
can't we all be brothers? 
==========
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort 
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 
========== 
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out 
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I 
was thinking about doing that anyway. 
========== 
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. 
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real 
quick and hand it to him. 
========== 
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word 
itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words 
"mank" and "ind."

What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and that's why so is
mankind. 
========== 
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying 
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. 
========== 
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I 
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy.  Just sitting there, 
rocking back and forth, wanting that money. 
========== 
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I 
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. 
==========
To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda scary.  I've 
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I 
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. 
========== 
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red 
again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a 
bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way. 
========== 
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never 
expect it.
========== 
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in 
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but 
it's just eggs hatching. 
========== 
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, 
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good 
books. 
========== 
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing 
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get 
drunk?

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
sleep. 
========== 
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out 
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait. I guess that's like 
a regular window. 
========== 
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not 
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the 
corner." 
========== 
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, 
like I am now. 
========== 
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call 
the police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and 
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. 
========== 
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and 
whittle all day long.  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger 
toy boat I had.  It was almost as good as the first one, except now 
it had bumpy whittle marks all over it.  And no paint, because he had 
whittled off the paint. 
========== 
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know 
anybody: First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any 
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and 
take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy 
garbage guy.
========== 
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, 
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is 
you're talking to.  Then on the way out, slam the door.
========== 
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet 
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was 
reading a magazine. 
========== 
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think 
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to 
teach him to do some tricks.  But only if you're serious about 
adopting the vulture.
========== 
Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe 
me? 
========== 
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while 
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it 
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to 
tell you. 
========== 
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run 
with a wooden stake. 
========== 
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think 
a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust me, 
it's not. 
========== 
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a 
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd 
look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in 
that." 
========== 
Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over 
here, looking through your stuff. 
========== 
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add 
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? 
========== 
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a 
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the 
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a 
documentary. 
========== 
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a 
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and 
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute!  I thought we won!" 
========== 
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for 
yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly 
Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person 
who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air.  
But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?  
I'm afraid some people might actually think that. 
========== 
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are 
losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and 
nobody got scared. 
========== 
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed 
me a lot of money." 
========== 
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, 
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. 
========== 
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat."  It's a fake baby 
duck, which you strap on top of your head.  Then you go swimming 
underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies,  and you join 
them.  Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar 
like Godzilla.  Man those ducks really take off!  Also Baby Duck Hat 
is good for parties. 
==========
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. 
That's a common mistake.  You have to let nudity "happen." 
==========
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of 
the watering hole and started to drink.  But then he looked around 
and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought.  "This 
watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
================================================
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

  I've talked with the author, and if you forward the following
  Please leave his name on it giving credit where credit is due.
  I've titled it

         EMAIL, NO SPAM
         SAYS DAN, I AM
                -- by Daniel E. Macks

  I do not want your MLMs;
  I don't want to see nude teenage femmes.
  I do not want psychic advice,
  So there's no need to mail me thrice.
  I do not like New Jerseyan swearing,
  And I don't want the panties you're wearing.

  I do not want your Asian chicks;
  I don't care about your lame stock picks.
  I do not want to see Pam's bod,
  Don't care about your views on God.
  I don't want calling cards prepaid,
  Nor Herbalife's new diet aid.

  So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter,
  And the "I am so great" ranter,
  And all you others who have no name--
  Whether small-time or of nanae fame:
  I do not want to sound too crass,
  But I think someone should kick your /dev/null.

      dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have procmail
================================================
[found on the back of a box of Kroger Frosted Flakes.  Where THEY got
them????  Supposedly all were at one time true, some are still
current.]

No catching whales in Oklahoma.

Spitting against the wind in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan, is
unlawful.

It is an infraction of the law to let rubbish collect on your roof in
St. Louis, Missouri.

It is against the law to sleep in a refrigerator in Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania.

Startling a baby is illegal in Molie, Missouri.

In Louisiana, it is against the law to whistle on Sunday.

There was once a law in Iowa against women wearing corsets, and an
official job of corset inspector, who went around poking women in the
ribs to make sure they weren't wearing one!

It is illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room in California.

In Gary, Indiana, you're breaking the law if you attend the theater
within four hours of eating garlic.

You may not take your shoes off in a public theater in Winnetka,
Illinois.

A son or daughter could receive the death penalty for disobeying a
parent in 17th century Connecticut.

In Pocatello, Idaho, it is illegal to look unhappy.

You can spend a night or two in the Dunn, North Carolina, jail if you
snore loud enough to disturb your neighbors.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road in Quitman, Georgia?  Because
it's illegal.  [I assume for chickens....]

After dark in Berea, Ohio, dogs and cats must wear a red tail light.

It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in Massachusetts. 
[However, if they call it something ELSE, I suppose....]

In Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are not allowed to eat onions during
working hours.

No drawing funny faces on your window shades in Garfield County,
Montana.

You are disobeying the law in Alabama if you wear a false mustache to
church and it makes people laugh.

A legal kiss on the lips in Riverside, California, would require both
parties to first wipe their lips with carbolized rose water.

In New Orleans, a fire engine must stop for a red light, even if it's
on its way to a fire.

It is against the law to put pennies in your ears in Hawaii.

If you win the game, you can't keep the marbles in Ashland, Wisconsin.

You may not shoot clay pigeons during the breeding season in Kentucky.

Carry an unwrapped ukelele on the street in Salt Lake City, Utah, and
you're breaking the law.

It is against the law for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub in Brooklyn,
New York.

You cannot fish for trout from the back of a giraffe in Idaho.
================================================
[from Sean Andrus, via "The Humour List"]

Retirement: From a child's point of view

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holidays.  One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma.  They
used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and
they moved to Florida.  Now they live in a place with a lot of other
retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes.  They ride on
big three wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they
don't know who they are.  They go to a big building called a wrecked
hall, but if it was wrecked they got it fixed because it is allright
now. They play games and exercises there but they don't do them very
good.

There is a swimming pool there.  They go into it and just stand
there with there hats on.  I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man
sitting in it.  He watches all day so they can't get out without him
seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick
up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff but I guess she forgot
how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out.  They eat the same thing every
night, Early Birds.  Some of the people are so retarded that they
don't know to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into
the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his
retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the
little man in the doll house won't let them out. 
================================================
[forwarded by Rev. Cheese, on REHU, from the Jewish Humor list]

World's Reaction to Lady Di's Death

The following illustrates how Diana's death was reported in various
parts of the world:

English Channel:a tragic event has afflicted  Great Britain today,
Lady Di and her multimillionaire companion had a fateful accident.
The United Kingdom morns the beloved princess. Prime minister
resigns.

German Channel: The German people expresses its deep sorrow for the
tragic accident and wishes to remind that the Mercedes car was left
almost intact. A spokesman for the German car industries reminded
that if the road had been made according to GERMAN standard none of
this would have ever happened.

Hezbollah Channel: A zionist commando has brutally murdered a Muslim
multimillionaire and his converting western girlfriend. The action
commanded by the Mossad was designed to impair a fruitful relation
between the Arab world and the repenting members of the Royal family.
In the action, two Hezbollah fighters were slightly wounded and a
Israeli gunship was downed. Seven [occupation] soldiers were also
reported killed.

Jordan TV: Chairman Arafat calls for an international conference talk
in order to stop the Zionist expansion in the territories and all
acts of violence from any side, referring to the Israeli involvement
in the brutal murder of Princess Diana.

Israeli Channel: A terrible event stroke the Royal family today: Lady
Di dies in an apparent accident. The remains of an Arab suspect was
found besides Lady Di's body. Shaback is investigating all
possibilities and first elements of inquiry points to Iranian links.
The suicide terrorist is said to have come from Egypt but his
identity remains classified for the purpose of the inquiry.
Fortunately, no Israeli casualty is to be deplored. The security
cabinet will meet tonight late in the evening, deciding if further
steps against the Palestinian Authority must be taken, but meanwhile,
taxes will be raised by 17%.

French Channel:  A Frenchman, Jean-pierre Lardel, father of two, was
killed in the line of duty, driving a couple of French-non-speaking
foreigners. Jean-Pierre was a devoted husband, a kind person, and
friendly to everyone. President Chirac considers awarding him the
Legion d'honneur post mortem. As far as the brit and her arab
boyfriend are concerned, they crashed in their German made car.
================================================
[forwarded by GCFL, copyright info at bottom]

The final leg of your cross country drive finds you curiously divided
between stupor and rage.  You sit in a layer of dried french fries and
eviscerated taco innards and listen dispassionately to the ongoing
intellectual debate between your children:

"Could you PLEASE stop doing that with your lips?"
"Stop doing what?"
"Making those gross wet noises.  You keep LICKING YOUR LIPS."
"You mean like this?"
"DAD!  He keeps LICKING HIS LIPS!"

Though your "good parenting" training calls for you to urge upon your
children the adult traits of reason and compromise, your impulse is to
open the back door and fling everyone out onto the pavement.  How can
it possibly matter that your son is licking his lips when the dog is
riding with its nose sticking into the jet stream outside the window,
sneezing so explosively every two miles that everything in the car has
become covered with dog mist?  And if you roll the window up, the dog
whines, sobs, and ultimately barfs.

Your wife is no help in adjudicating the dispute:  you've been having
a raging argument with her for two days, though neither of you has
spoken a single word to one another since East St. Louis.

Okay:  just how much farther can it possibly be?  That damn Jefferson
and his stupid Louisiana purchase, buying up all this land between
your house and the ocean!

"Dad, he licked his lips again!"

The maniacal glint in your eye shocks them into silence as you twist
in your seat.  "Stop licking your lips or I'll rip them off!"  you
hiss.  "And you, stop hitting your brother!"

"I'm not!"  she protests.

"But you will, and when you do, stop it!"  you snarl.

"Wow, Dad's really lost it," your son admires.

"Is Mr. Mugster in the car?"  you demand for the hundredth time in the
past hour.  Mr. Mugster is a stuffed gorilla whose accidental
abandonment at a Stuckey's restaurant forced you to backtrack two
hundred miles.  These were hard, Missouri miles, where  corn has
overtaken all other life forms on the planet.  You have the feeling
that had it been you at the Stuckey's, the vote would have been three
to one to press ahead anyway.

It is with a sense of unreality that you finally pull into the
parking lot of Big Al's Beach Resort.  After all these days of being
propelled, your body can't quite adapt to being stopped.

For some reason you were deluded into thinking that Big Al's hotel
overlooked the ocean.  Perhaps you were misled by the brochure, which
depicted a smiling and attractive couple completely unlike yourselves
holding little paper umbrella drinks as they admired the view of what
you now discover was the back of an automobile dealership.  The only
way Big Al's will ever be on the beach is after three decades of
global warming.

Maybe by then your automobile will be fixed.  You admitted it to
intensive care shortly after arriving at Big Al's and from your room
you can confirm that they haven't done anything to it since.  In fact,
it appears they are using parts from your engine to fix other cars.

Should you be concerned that the name of the place is Jack Kevorkian
Ford?

Well, you're here.  Time to relax, enjoy your vacation.  Time to be
spontaneous, to live for the moment.  Naturally, this means you must
immediately compile a list of Fun Things To Do.

This is what Dad's do:  make lists.  No one reads the lists after they
are made or listens to you as they are being written or notices that
you are talking, or breathing, but that has never stopped you. When
you pass on you would like your headstone to read like this: 1.  Live
2.  Die (Don't forget!) 3.  Get buried here

Vacations make for particularly wonderful lists, but no one is
listening except the dog, who has finished drinking out of the toilet
and has come over to lick your legs.  Your oldest daughter picks up
the telephone to initiate what will become a six hour conversation
with her best friend back home.  She begins with the words, "you
wouldn't believe how boring it is here."  Your other daughter wants to
go to the mall because, despite her three suitcases, she "brought
nothing to wear."  Your son plops down in front of HBO, a study in
Flatline Response Syndrome.  Your wife, muttering, tromps off to find
a washing machine so she can tend to all the laundry that has piled up
over the past three days.  You tell her you'd like to help, but it's
not "on the list."  Her look indicates that you'd better add
"celibacy" to the list of Fun Things To Do. The mechanic from the car
dealership sends word that you need to hurry right over to look at
your vehicle's transmission, "never seen anything like it since the
war."

You begin looking forward to going home.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Cameron Column
A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
This newsletter may be distributed freely on the internet but PLEASE
include subscription and copyright information. If you want to
subscribe, write majordomo@cwe.com and send the message "subscribe
cameron <your e-mail address>" all lower case with no quotes.

- Searchable archives for the lists are available at:
http://www.reference.com/cgi-bin/pn/listarch?list=cameron@cwe.com
================================================
from a thread on REHU

[unmarked parts are from Elizabeth, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & 
Weird List, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

BIRTHDAY BELIEF SYSTEMS

IDEALISM:  Happy Birthday.

CAPITALISM:  I shopped all day for your birthday.

COMMUNISM:  We only celebrate Lenin's birthday. (Trefor)

CORPORATE AMERICA:  Happy birthday. You're fired. (John B.)

AGNOSTICISM:  I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not. (Trefor)

ATHEISM:  I can't believe it's your birthday.

HINDUISM:  Holy Cow!  Is it your birthday?

HINDUISM:  Ever get that feeling you've been born before? (Barbara)

TAOISM:  It's everybody's birthday.

BUDDHISM:  If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody
came... would it make a sound?

CATHOLICISM:   Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes. (Trefor)

CATHOLICISM:  If your parents used birth control, you wouldn't
              even _have_ a birthday, so there! (Barbara)

CATHOLICISM:  It's your birthday but you don't deserve a cake
              or even this greeting card. (Barbara)

EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you!
                 Care for some Dry Sack?      (Swedie)

LUTHERANISM:  I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't
				need to send cards and gifts, right?  (Barbara)

EXISTENTIALISM:  Your birthday means nothing to me.

FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?  (Susan P)

SARCASM:  You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:  Knock! Knock!  Happy Birthday!  (Teresa)

MORMONS:  Which birthday are we talking about?
          the spirit world or the current one?  (Trefor)

QUAKERS:  I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday. (Brenda)

UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS:  Have any kind of birthday you want. (Brenda)

WICCANS:  Have the Earth Mother of all birthdays! (David S)

SATANIC CHURCH OF AMERICA:  It's not my birthday, so screw off! 
		(David S)

GNOSTICS:  It's your birthday, but don't tell anyone--
         It's a secret! (David S)

KABBALISTS:  Another step on the tree of life? Geez,
             how many branches up are you?           (David S)

MASONS:  I'll wish you a happy birthday, but first
         --show me the sign.              (David S)

LEWIS CARROLL:  A very happy unbirthday to you! 
		(and you and you and you).		(Trefor)
================================================
[from Just 4 Laughs, via "GEOFF'S JOKE LIST"]

Three pieces of rope walk into a bar.  The bartender tells them, "We
don't serve ropes in here.  You'll have to leave."  Dejected, the
three pieces of rope leave the bar.  They're talking outside when
one of them says, "Hey I know how we can get served at that bar."   
"Just do what I do," he said.  "First, tie yourself into a knot. 
Then, pull all of the strands in your head until they are all messed
up.  Now, follow me into the bar and do what I do."  So, they all go
into the bar and ask for a drink.

The bartender pours them a drink and they sit down.  Then, the
bartender goes over to one of the pieces and asks, "Aren't you that
piece of rope that came in here a little while ago?"  The piece of
rope then replies, "Nope frayed knot!" 
================================================
[from OwenKL@aol.com, via GCFL]

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer.
The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids.
 No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made
of brown wrapping paper.  Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and
vest were also made of paper.  As were his chaps, pants, and even his
boots, including the paper spurs.  Truth be told, even the saddle,
blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
.
.
.
.
.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
================================================
[from SUSPECTS, via "A Joke A Day"]

Highway Signs

A state trooper pulls over a car driven by a young blonde woman.

"Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"  

"Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." 

"Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway
you're on!"

"Oh! Silly me!  Thanks for letting me know.  I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the passengers are
shaking and trembling, and says, Excuse me, miss, what's wrong with
your friends back there?  They're shaking something terrible."

"Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
================================================
[from Mary Felix]

I was sitting in the cinema watching a comedy film, when I couldn't
help noticing that next to me was a large alsatian.  What was more
surprising was that the dog was having the time of it's life,
laughing at all the jokes and nearly dropping its stick with
excitement.  I turned to the woman holding the dog's lead, and said,
"I  hope you don't think I'm being rude, but I'm very surprised to
see your dog enjoying the film so much.""You're surprised?" she
replied.  "I'm amazed - he hated the book." 
+-----------------------------+
[from Mary Felix]

Clinton and Gore are heading back toward the clubhouse from the
eighteenth green one fine afternoon. Clinton looks over at Gore and
remarks, "God, I tell you something, Al, the first thing I'm going to
do when I get home is to rip Hillary's underwear off!" Al looks
askance at Bill and asks, somewhat taken aback,.. "B-But Bill.. I've
known you and Hillary for years,.. Don't you think you should, uhh..
I've NEVER known you to be so aggressive in the bedroom!" Clinton
looks at Gore, then shrugs. "Well, I guess somethings just slip past
you, buddy. But I'll tell you something.. These damn panties ahve
been creeping up my ass for the last six holes!!" 
================================================
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

  Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
  I'm doing my best, sir.

  Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig.
  I'll take it back, sir, and bring you some that is.

  Waiter, how long have you worked here?
  Six months, sir.
  Well, it can't have been you who took my order.

  Waiter, this food is terrible. I want to see the manager.
  I'm sorry but you can't see him at the moment. He's out
  to lunch.

  Waiter.
  Yes, sir.
  Have you got asparagus?
  No, we don't serve sparrows and my name's not Gus.

  Waiter, do I have to wait here until I die of starvation?
  No sir, we close at six o'clock.

  Waiter, if this venison, I'm an idiot.
  Yes sir, it is venison.

  Waiter, has the chef got pigs' feet?
  I can't tell, sir. He's got his shoes on.

  Waiter, do you have fried liver, boiled brains and stewed kidneys?
  Yes, sir. Well, you'd better go and see your doctor.

  Waiter, this soup is cold. Bring me some that's hot.
  Do you want me to burn my thumb, sir.

  Waiter, this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen.
  Yes, sir, it has. But how did you know?
  All the food tastes of soap.

  Waiter, do you serve crabs?
  Sit down, sir. We serve anybody.

  Waiter, there's only one piece of meat on my plate.
  Just a moment, sir, and I'll cut it in two.

  Waiter, will the band play anything I request?
  Yes, sir.
  Well, tell them to play cards.

  Waiter: Looks like rain today, sir.
  Diner: Yes, but it still smells like coffee.

  Waiter: And how did you find your meat, sir?.
  Diner: Oh, I just lifted a chip and there it was.

  A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
  thumb over the meat.
  "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on
  my steak?"
  "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the
  floor again?"
================================================
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

The problem was his poetry, which was of the Naturalistic school and
leaned heavily on the S alliteration:  "Sad, sorrow-sunk survivors
of a sadistic society, saturated with strong, stiff stench of
stifling strife..."  --Patrick F. McManus

I don't think you can really know how heavy something is until it
has fallen on you.  --LeMel Hebert-Williams

Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into
philosophers.  Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent
tackle on a philosopher's salary.  --Patrick F. McManus

I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.  --Alan Smithee

They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down
your door.  But usually, it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably
quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.  --Dave James

I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.  She's
thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed. 
--Jonathan Colan

The best evidence I've been able to come up with that the human race
is increasing in intelligence is that parents no longer give their
kids hatchets for Christmas.  --Patrick F. McManus

Scars are often interpreted as evidence that a man has lived
dangerously.  I totally dismiss my wife's assertion that they are
more likely proof that he has lived dumbly.  She knows nothing about
the masculine mystique.  --Patrick F. McManus 
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they
could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting
everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still
unsatisfied.  Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your
prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children
shortly.  In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am
visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything
will work out just fine for you.  My stay in Rome will be for quite
some time - 15 years.  But when I return, I will be sure to pay you
a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the
States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he
remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years
ago.

Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought
his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying
and screaming children filled the air!

Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he
entered the house.  More than a dozen children filled the house from
top to bottom!  In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered!  And
where is your husband?  I wish to congratulate him too on your
miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome?  Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out,
"TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They
got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not
know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver
offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker
jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he
yelled. 

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand
that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." 

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this
time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you
to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." 

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out." 

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,
something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'". 

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He
started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet
Jesus help me." 

At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns
looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!" 
================================================
[first set is forwarded by RONALD A. VEENKER, via REHU]

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the
house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious insensitivity.  Instead,
this coming Rosh Hashannah, consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than 18 minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly Doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davening off tune, Flat Bread
For acting holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

[added by Swedie]

For sins of pettiness and meanness, Crumb Buns
For watching too many porn films, Cherry Danish
For the sin of masturbation, Pita or Hot Dog Rolls
For abstinence, Naan
For lame excuses, Limpa
For womanizing, Tarts
================================================
[from HAND!]

MORE VANITY PLATES -- #0573
    (license plate:  it's meaning)

T. Dave Gowan sends

   ML8 ML8  This tag was on a white VW Rabbit (a la Cinderella,
            the White Rabbit, so was saying "I'm Late (ML8),
            I'm Late (ML8), for a very important date!"

   GSNDHT   Geseundheit! (on an Isuzu!)

From: Thomas J Heyman
   6UL DV8    Sexual Deviate (Found on a college Jeep)

From: Steve Miklavic
   WAS HIS    Another Divorcee (spotted in OHIO)

From: Sean Chatham
   DR BONES   Sean's uncle, a chiropractor

From: Richard O. Mann, an alternative interpretation
   Plate:     AV8RX
   Meaning:   Aviator-X.  Wife of a pilot who is also a pilot
   Rich's comments that it could also be:
      "aviatrix," a lady pilot, as it were.  Yeah, I know, it's
      archaic usage (but it's not more than 30 or 40 years out of
      date), but it makes the X fit right into the word.

From: David Harris
   RUNVS      Are You Envious?   (seen on a Rolls Royce)
   BEYOND     seen on an old Plymouth Horizon, blue of course
             (the old song, "Beyond the Blue Horizon")
   SNAAB      seen, of course on a Saab.

From: Lee Kirk
   BAABAA     on a sheep truck in southern Oregon
   2THDK      tooth de-cay: on a dentist's porche
   BOXBOY     stock clerk at supermarket
   CRJEEP     on classic Jeep
   TUFNRS     tough nurse
   VROOOM     on sports car

From: Rakesh Sadera - spotted these in Southern California:
   IXAMINU    I examine you, on a doctor's red Mercedes car
   H8MYXYF    Hate my ex-wife, on a Mercedes Sports car
   SLEEP EZ   Sleep Easy, on the Mercedes of an anaethesiologist

From: Colin Zealley
   EIEIO      A farmer in Ohio: (his name *was* MacDonald)

  some plates he's seen in the UK, where vanity plates as such are not
  available, but people manage a lot on the "official" ones. These
  used to be three letters with 1-3 numbers, and more recently you get
  one extra letter at the same end as the 3 numbers. The plates are
  permanent, and go with the car for its lifetime normally, but it is
  possible to switch them to another car by paying a fee.

    JC 2      on an old Rolls Royce (presumably the Archbishop
              of York, the 2nd highest prelate in the Church of
              England)

    15 ELL    on car of a very successful salesman who now makes
              his living teaching others how to do it.

   1974 MG    I saw this plate in 1975, on a new flame orange MGB GT,
              This form of plate had to be at least 30 years old, so
              the owner must have been keeping it until he had the
              right car to attach it to!

From: Shawn S Barnes
    IFIXBAX   I fix backs - seen on chiropractor's car

From: Susan Nixon spotted in Phoenix Arizona
   CME4DK     See me for decay, on a dentist's car

   her tagline: Life is what happens to other people while
                we're reading e-mail.    --The Bull
================================================
[from HAND!]

Re: HAND #0572 Microsoft TV Dinner

the Fenways ask:
    What do you get when you cross Microsoft and Apple?

    Microsoft


And now more on Microsoft TV Dinner:

 ----------
 Addendum to MS TV Dinner News, from the Chief Technology
 Officer, MSTVD:


None of this will be an issue for MS TV Dinner98.  A paradigm shift
has changed the way we think of TV Dinners and Microwaves, and the
new MS interface to TV dinners now owns the entire Microwave desktop,
which will be henceforth known as the ActiveMicrowave*. This will
allow a wide bandwidth for merchandisers and financier markets to
gain a new and unique foothold on the consumer, providing access and
services to every user in every home, right next  to the julienne
sliced carrots, corn bread and refried beans. Low-level interfacing
with Web TV is now being beta tested in a local market of
barca-loungers. 
---------- 
Addendum to MS TV Dinner News:


In case you were looking for the Manual, Microsoft no longer ships
manuals with TV dinners. You must now use the Oven Help file which
will be displayed on your microwave oven's 20-character information
screen. This is actually much better than having manuals because it
will always be current and you won't have to find a place to store
it. You may, however, need to add more memory to your microwave
oven, but it will work better with more memory anyway. You may also
wish to consider getting a monitor for your microwave oven so you can
read more than 20 characters of your helpfile at a time, and if you do
that you might as well get an OvenCam so you can watch your food cook
on the monitor.  That's much easier than trying to see your food cook
through all those holes in the radiation shield. Your neighbors, who
you know to be power cookers, probably already have one and are
already enjoying their oven experiences more than you are.
----------------- 
Follow up news article:


MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif.-Aug. 1, 1997 - Sun Microsystems, Inc. and
Netscape Communications Corp. (NASDAQ: NSCP) today announced the
developer release of the Java TV Dinner SDK, a comprehensive set of
meal components and services designed to simplify preparation of
dinner.  Unlike platform-specific solutions, Java TV Dinner lets
developers "cook once, eat anywhere."

"I cooked dinner on my wristwatch and then crawled inside my
microwave to eat it," said Marc Andreessen, Sr. VP of Technology at
Netscpae.  "Damn near busted the door off, but boy, was it ever
convenient."

Meal components include beans, peas, zucchini, nonfat blueberry
frozen yogurt, penne pasta, and some leftover beef panang. IBM will
provide a great big huge rare steak with potatos and gravy and
hollandaise sauce, and Oracle will provide that icky green stuff that
you find inside a lobster shell.

Services include spoons and knives. Forks will be provided in a
future version of the product. 
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

 HARASSMENT UPDATE

Here is a list of things that are now against the rules of harassment.
Read -- and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal
from work, expulsion from school -- or worse.

LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and
more)  are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors"
distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park.

STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of
"harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution
us "have been reported in U.S. high schools."  (Others are MAKING
"VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.")

ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official
Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and
Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love
story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten
to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned
altogether.)

EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor
Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a
female student.

INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in
New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact
with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a
biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel
discouraged and/or physically threatened."

RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss,and
 her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of harassment, according to
 Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this
 underpublicized offense: "receptive non-initiation."

FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the
University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a
pernicious form of discrimination.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education
discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that
such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist."
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

Dear Dr. Science,
The opening line of our beloved "Star Spangled Banner"
is "Oh, say can you see by the Don Zurrley light?"
Who is Don Zurrley, anyway?

------------- Dan Satterberg, Neosho, MO

Don Zurrley was a cousin of Richard Stanz.  You may
recall Rich; he was the founder of our republic
commemorated in the Pledge of Allegiance: "...and to
the republic for Richard Stanz." Messrs. Zurrley and
Stanz were the actual authors of the Declaration of
Independence. Being Canadian, they sold their work to
Thomas Jefferson, who was himself said to be a Jamaican.
One of Jefferson's many inventions, besides electricity,
was the reggae beat, which he named after one of his
farmhand/associates,Reggie. The Star Spangled Banner
was actually the first reggae tune, but that's another
story.
-----------------
Subscription questions for Dr. Science -  send a blank message to
faq@drscience.com. Visit the Ask Dr. Science web site at
<http://www.drscience.com> sponsored by the fine folks at Internet
Direct. All Dr. Science material Copyright 1997 Duck's Breath Mystery
Theatre.  All rights reserved.
================================================
[first part is from Allan, on REHU]

A note of scientific interest appears in the book London Under 
London, by Richard Trench and Ellis Hillman.

The first recorded use of electricity was in April 1746, when the
Abbe Nollet wired up a number of Carthusian monks in a 5400-foot
circle. The contortions on the faces of the monks, all of whom had
taken their Vow of Obedience, were judged sufficient proof that power
could be transmitted.

Obviously, further research is called for. Would the electrical
transmission have worked as well with Capuchin monks? Would it work
at all with Jesuits? With Anglicans? Primitive Baptist preachers? In
any event, subsequent research appears to have demonstrated that
copper is a somewhat more efficient transmitter of electricity than
Carthusian monks. Furthermore, copper is less expensive, even making
allowance for the Carthusian Vow of Poverty. Consider, for example,
the number of monks it would require to supply electricity to a city
of moderate size, such as Knoxville. In a way, this is a pity. It
would be inspiring to see the streets of Pigeon Forge bordered with
Carthusian monks, with lines of monks stretching along country
roads, bringing light (both electrical and spiritual) to the most
isolated farm-house. 
+-------------------------------------------+
[rest are from Swedie, on REHU]

Actually, they were *conducting* a prayer meeting. ;)
	------------------
I think it would have worked very well with Baptists. Imagine a couple
hundred gathered in one big circle, shouting, "I see the LIGHT!"

The Pentecostals would be pretty similar, but shouting instead (while
dancing to the volts): "I've got the POWER!"

Lutherans: "But we've ALWAYS used Carthusian monks."

Anglicans (high churh) would probably be standing ankle-deep in holy
water. Today's episcopalians would compare the conductive powers of
copper with, say, Harvey's Bristol Cream or Bloodies.

Methodists: "I want to be PERSONALLY wired. I don't need a group to
get turned on."

Jews: "Can we do this on the Sabbath? Let's check the Talmud."

Unitarians: "What turns YOU on?"

Catholics: Standing in a giant circle with the longest string of
rosary beads you can imagine . . .

Eastern/Greek Orthodox: Can you imagine standing like that for 5
HOURS?
	-----------------
> Would it work at all with Jesuits?

Absolutely. They are so well grounded in their faith.

For obvious reasons, it would NEVER work with the Amish.
================================================
[from Nancy M. Piatkowski, via REHU]

YOU MIGHT BE IN THE MEDICAL FIELD IF:

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to
you. 
Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change. 
You find humor in other people's stupidity. 
You believe in the aerosol spraying of Prozac. 
Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose 
restraint. 
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis. 
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce. 
You believe that chocolate is a food group. 
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 
"Boy, it sure is quiet around here." 
When you're out in public and you compliment a complete stranger on 
their great veins. 
You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the 
"Eternal Care Facility." 
Your idea of a really good time is dueling shock rooms. 
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevokian is inappropirate for this 
patient. 
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, getting it 
right the first time." 
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing 
uncontrollably. 
You think caffeine should be available in IV form. 
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. 
The most commonly uttered phrase on your mind is "What changed 
tonight at 2 a.m. that makes it an emergency after six months?" 
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. 
You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab. 
You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium 
salt lick. 
When ordering labs, the doctor want to order a "dumbshit profile." 
When you mention vegetables, you are not referring to the food group. 
You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English. 
Your patient states, "I have no idea how that go stuck in there." 
You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in your 
caseworkers hearts. 
You can identify the "positive teeth to tatoo" ration. 
You have your weekends off marked and planned for a year. 
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out a.m.a. just so you 
don't have to deal with him anymore.
================================================
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]


 10**12 Microphones   = 1 Megaphone
       10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
      500 millinaries = 1 seminary
    2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
             10 cards = 1 decacards
         1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
          10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
          10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
       10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
           10 rations = 1 decoration
          100 rations = 1 C-ration
        10 millipedes = 1 centipede
       3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
         5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
          10 monologs = 5 dialogues
          5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
          2 monograms = 1 diagram
            8 nickles = 2 paradigms
         2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
            2 wharves = 1 paradox

[added by Grady]

1 millihelen = the amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship.
================================================
     Aaron Spelling
        in Association with Fox

        present:	
          LES MISERABLES, 90210
      a new musical


PROLOGUE - 1991, Beverly Hills
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
TEENS:
We're rich, we're rich,
We're famed aristocrats!
We're rich, we're rich,
We're spoiled little brats!

TEEN 1:
The sun is strong,
It's to the beach I go...

TEENS:
We're rich, we're rich,
They'll serve us escargot!

TEEN 2:
I broke a nail--
Lee Press-On's, hear my prayer!

TEENS:
We're rich, we're rich,
We've Press-On's everywhere!

TEEN 3:
I know she'll wait,
I know that she'll be true!

TEENS:
We're rich, we're rich,
She's not forgotten you!

TEEN 4:
I can roam free--
Come ride with me
In my Porsche...

TEENS:
We're rich, we're rich,
We're famed aristocrats...

TEEN 5:
How long, O Lord,
Before we're autocrats?

TEENS:
We're rich, we're rich,
We've lots of cash to spend.
We're rich, we're rich,
We'll buy another friend...

  ...........................................

I CHARGED A CHARGE
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
KELLY'S MOM:
There was a time when clothes were cheap,
When the prices were low, 
And the sales--there were many.
There was a time when cash bought a heap,
And the brand names were few,
I could shop JCPenney.
There was a time, 
Then it all went wrong...

I charged a charge in time gone by
When debts were low and cash was flowing.
I charged whatever I could buy
Without my husband ever knowing.
Then I was young and so unthrift
Expensive things were in my price range.
I often charged myself a gift,
Receiving gifts was such a nice change.

But financiers come at night
To reclaim all your possessions.
As they tear your house apart,
As they strip you of your card...

He let me use his Visa Gold,
I bought a TV and an Ab-Flex.
He bought me anything that sold,
His limit we would disregard...

And still I dream I'm pre-approved,
That Visa offers me a gold card.
My credit history's much improved,
I'm not that same old credit retard...

I had a dream that I could have
A credit limit with no ceiling.
A credit line that's just for me!
A card that has 
No annual fee.
================================================
[from Jim Bier]

A priest was visiting her brother, and arriving at the house from the
airport took off her clerical collar.  A young child was watching and
on examining it wanted to know what the printed message (WASH IN MILD
SOAPY WATER) said.  The priest, wanting to engage the child in
conversation, asked "What do you 'think' it says?"  The child replied
"PROTECTS AGAINST FLEAS FOR SIX MONTHS."
+-------------------------------+
[forwarded by Anne on REHU]

Did you hear about the 2 guys who decided to try duck hunting? They
bought new outfits, equipment, and a hunting dog; then went out to a 
place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But
after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said,
"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't
caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?"  "I
don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog  up
high enough." 
+-------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr. via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List, via 
"Wit & Wisdom"]

Some tourists were stranded on a deserted island.  All but one of
the men were extremely upset at their plight.  Finally a man asked
the guy why it was he didn't seem the least bit concerned.   He just
smiled and said, "I just pledged over $110,000 to the United Way
Campaign. There is no why they're going to leave me stranded on some
island." 
================================================
[from Greg on REHU]

MANIFESTO OF THE UNITED RED-NECKS OF AMERICA

The struggle for equality and dignity has been a long and difficult
one. Nevertheless, various gender, racial and other groups in the
United States have received the protection of law against those who
would bar their access to full participation and deny the basic
dignity of their human worth.

YET, there is one group which, in spite of the invaluable
contribution it has made to this nation in times of war and peace, is
the recipient of the most vile, demeaning and continuous degradation
in the annals of American History: the Red-Neck. We are the one group
that has been and continues to be the target of humor. From Al Capp
to that race traitor, Brett Butler, we have been accused of sub-human
mentality and behavior. In college class rooms across the country, we
have been systematically and unfairly stereotyped in sociology,
history and literature courses. One only has to mention the Jukes,
Scopes and Tobacco Road to get a cheap laugh at our expense.

THEREFORE, we make the following non-negotiable demands, which, if
not met, will result in increased enrollment at this so-called
institution of higher education by those of us you have vilified. We
will see how well suave, sophisticated, Northern professors perform
when faced with a sea of angry Red-Necks! 

1. YOU WILL STOP USING THE RED-NECK AS THE UNIVERSAL STANDARD OF
INANE CULTURE. 

2. YOU WILL STOP USING OUR LEGITIMATE EXPRESSIONS OF CULTURAL
SOLIDARITY, SUCH AS THE KU KLUX KLAN, AS EXAMPLES OF "CORN-PONE"
TERRORISM. YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THEM AS BEING AS LEGITIMATE AS SIMILAR
EXPRESSIONS OF CULTURAL SOLIDARITY FOUND AMONG OTHER POPULATIONS. 

3. YOU WILL STOP USING THE EXPRESSION CORN-PONE AT ALL. YOU YANKEES
DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CORN-PONE IS. 

4. YOU WILL CEASE YOUR ASSAULT, THROUGH THE THINLY DISGUISED CAMPAIGN
TO REDUCE OR ELIMINATE SUBSTANCES SUCH AS SUGAR AND FAT THAT ARE
BASIC AND PLENTIFUL IN OUR CENTRAL CUISINE, AND WHICH ARE LEGITIMATE
CULINARY EXPRESSIONS OF OUR CULTURE. PECAN PIE, YES! BEAN SPROUTS,
NO! 

5. YOU WILL INSTITUTE COURSES TEACHING THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF OUR
CULTURE AND OUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO AMERICAN HISTORY. SUCH COURSES WILL
BE A MANDATORY PART OF THE GENERAL EDUCATION CURRICULUM AND WILL BE
TAUGHT ONLY BY THOSE OF RED-NECK HERITAGE AND ONLY BY THOSE WITH A
RED-NECKCENTRIC ORIENTATION. 

6. YOU WILL DISCIPLINE ALL FACULTY AND STUDENTS NOT OF RE-NECK
HERITAGE WHO USE EXPRESSIONS SUCH AS "SHO' 'NUFF," "HONEY 'CHILE,"
AND "AH DO DECLA-UH." 

7. YOU WILL DETERMINE THE PROPORTION OF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED
STATES THAT IS OF RED-NECK ORIGIN AND TAKE IMMEDIATE STEPS TO INSURE
THAT THE PROPORTION OF THE STUDENT BODY AND FACULTY OF RED-NECK
ORIGIN REFLECTS THE NATIONAL CONFIGURATION. GIVEN THAT WE HAVE, AS A
GROUP, ACHIEVED A LOWER LEVEL OF EDUCATION AND HAVE PARTICIPATED IN
20TH-CENTURY CULTURE FOR A SHORTER PERIOD OF TIME THAN ANY OTHER
GROUP OF AMERICANS, THIS IS A MANDATORY STEP TOWARD FULL INCLUSION.

8. YOU WILL PROVIDE BIBLE-BASED ALTERNATIVES TO SATANIC STATE
MANDATED SECULAR HUMANIST SCIENCE COURSES, WHICH ASSAULT OUR CULTURE
AT EVERY TURN. 

9. YOU WILL INCORPORATE THE BIRTHDAY OF TOM WATSON, HUEY LONG, OR
SOME OTHER RED-NECK SO THAT WE MAY HAVE APPROPRIATE ROLE-MODELS FROM
OUR OWN CULTURE. WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ROBERT E. LEE OR ANY OTHER
ELITIST NON-RED-NECK SOUTHERNER. INDEED, REGION IS NOT THE KEY
VARIABLE, IMPORTANT AS IT IS. WE RECOGNIZE MOST WHITE ETHNIC LABORERS
AS FELLOW RED-NECKS, AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT CATHOLICS, JEWS,
LUTHERANS, OR ANY OF THOSE OTHER ALIEN RELIGIONS. 

10. YOU WILL REFRAIN FROM REFERRING TO OUR LEGITIMATE CULTURAL
CHOICES AS RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY. WE ARE SIMPLY MAINTAINING THE INTEGRITY
OF OUR OWN CULTURE.
_________________________________________________________________

RED-NECK STUDIES PROGRAM SCHEDULE OF COURSES

   ART 231 TOPICS IN RED-NECK VERNACULAR ART
   An intensive study of the form and function of yard cars as lawn
   sculpture and expression of culture. Particular attention will be
   given to a comparison with the artistic use of yard cars in other
   neo- and paleo-peasant cultures.

   BIO 362 POSITIVE ASPECTS OF IN-BREEDING
   A review of recent research from the Yazoo Institute of Technology
   an Family Cohesion.

   ESC 284 SCIENTIFIC HOAXES OF THE RECENT PAST
   This course will systematically dismiss scientific hoaxes from 1859
   to the present. The required text for the course will be Billy-Jo
   Buddy-Bob Watkins, Six Days, By God!

   GEO 379 GEOGRAPHIC SIGNIFICANCE OF RED CLAY
   The course title says it all.

   HIST 332 HISTORY OF THE SOUTH: A VIEW FROM THE SWAMPS
   This course is a revisionist approach to Southern History. We will
   begin by surveying the existing literature which gives
   disproportionate attention to elites and slaves at the expense of
   Red-Necks. We will then move to a discussion and analysis of
   sources from which we may begin to construct the true History of
   the South.

   JUD 101 OLD TESTAMENT FOR RED-NECK FUNDAMENTALISTS
   The Hebrew scriptures, divested of their Jewishness and re-cast in
   a TRULY Christian way.

   LIN 287 SOCIO- AND PSYCHO-LINGUISTIC CONSIDERATIONS OF RED- NECK
   CULTURE An exploration of the communal and emotional functions of
   five hour conversations about the weather, polite indirection, and
   repetitive phrases such as "Boy 'howdy."

   MUS 321 THE CULTURAL ORIGINS OF BLUE GRASS
   An analysis of the Celtic origins of the modal melodies and
   depressive themes of Blue Grass music, and a historical account of
   the influence of that music on the adultery, death, and
   socio-pathology themes which dominate Country-Western music.

   PHL 231 PHILOSOPHICAL FOUNDATIONS OF RED-NECK CULTURE
   An exploration of the philosophical benefits of pre- occupation
   with adultery, death and socio-pathology.

   PYS 000 PHYSICS? PHYSICS? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING PHYSICS!

   PSY 146 I'M FEELIN' POORLY/YOU'RE FEELIN' POORLY: FOUNDATIONS OF
   RED-NECK AFFECT The course is limited to Red-Necks. We will explore
   our poorly fellin's.

   SOC 390 RED-NECK SOCIAL THEORY
   We will explore the various Marxist and Re-Neckcentric theories,
   constantly asking whether Red-Neck culture is a specific
   manifestation of rural poverty, or whether it soooo-eeeee generis.
================================================
