9/25/97

[first is from Brenda, on REHU]

Okay, if Star Trek's got chickens, Babylon 5's *got* to have chickens:

IVANOVA: No crossing today, crossing tomorrow. There's always a
crossing tomorrow.

KOSH: When the crossing has already started, it is too late for the
chicken to vote.

LONDO: For the glory of the Centauri Empire.

G'KAR: To free Narn from Centauri oppression.

MORDEN: My associates had what it wanted on the other side. Pity it
didn't see the car.
+------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dave Wigley, on REHU]

JOHNNY COCHRANE:  There is no proof that the poultry (hereinafter
"Chicken") did, indeed, cross the byway (hereinafter "Road"); this
is all hearsay evidence and, as we all know, hearsay evidence is
incontrovertibly inadmissible in any court of law in this
jurisdiction.  Beyond this, it is speculative at best whether or not
Chicken, walking on his or her alleged feet, could cross the road,
dependent, of course, upon the relative size of the pure asphalt
used in the particular Road's construction.  We therefore submit our
motion to have a portion of the asphalt of the Road in question
brought to the court whereupon the feet of Chicken would then be
compared to the asphalt.  We would then prove unequivocally that
Chicken's feet could, in no way, be accountable for crossing the Road
for the simple but undeniable reason that had Chicken crossed the
Road, Chicken's toes would have disappeared into the crevices between
the jumble of asphalt conglomerate which makes up the Road, causing
Chicken to become irreparably entangled and thereby causing
detrimental and deleterious -- and possibly fatal -- damage to
Chicken by any motorcycle, car, truck, bus, lorry, eighteen wheeler,
or any other vehicular mode of transportation legally able to
traverse the Road in question (dependent entirely upon the weight of
the vehicle and the stress-bearing load capabilities of the asphalt
and the substrata beneath it).  See, Little Red Riding Hood, LLC v.
Wolf, Big Bad & Co., Inc., (N.D. Cal. 1935), denied on appeal.  It is
obvious that this frivolous case should be dismissed on merit. (I've
worked with lawyers too long -- I need a life. -- Laura V.) 
+-------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg, on REHU]

MOSES:  And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto  the
       Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed
       the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many
       more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the
       chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't
       anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
       walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
       crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:  I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
       will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
       important documents, and balance your chequebook.
TYSON:  I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!
OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
       road?"  Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same
       time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
       crossing?"
DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
       selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed
       to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will
       be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
       question.
GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
       Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that
       was good enough for us.
MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
       cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
       motive there was.
EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
       beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA:  Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road; it
       transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?
DILBERT:  To establish asynchronous file transfer protocols.
+-------------------------------+
[from Dionicia Johnson, on REHU]

DR SUESS: Did the chicken cross the road? Would a chicken take a toad?
The chicken took the load across the road with a toad.

REDNECK: That was a chicken?! Oh damn Bubba, turn around!

MOTHER ANGELICA: Honey, Chickens just can't cross roads.

DIONNE WARWICK: Now even chickens can call for their free 10 minute
reading. "your sign is coming into the 3rd house of Peterbuilt, I see
you crossing a path of some sort, there are lines on the path. . .umm.
. . your lucky number is 14 (click!)"

ROBERT FROST: I saw the chickens gently drifting from the trees,
              Fall had stolen the last of their green 
              The chilly breath of the first fall freeze 
              Now to wait for the buds of the chicken in spring
================================================
[from Swedie, on REHU]

A Teacher was asking her young children to think of something happy to
share with the class.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Saturday's my birthday, and
I'm having a big party with lots of cake, and I'm getting lots of neat
presents."

Thank you, Johnny," said the teacher. "That's a happy thought.

She called on Susie. "My mommy and I went shopping yesterday, and I
got a new dress and a new doll. Then we had ice cream."

"Why, Susie, how nice! That's a happy thought."

Robby was next. "I'm getting a new puppy."

"Well, Robby, how nice! That's a happy thought!"

Little Mary could hardly contain herself. "I think I'm pregnant!" she
announced.

"Why, Mary! Why do you think you're pregnant? You're a little young
for that. Anyway, we're supposed to be sharing happy thoughts."

"Well, this morning at breakfast, my mommy said to my Daddy, 'Honey, I
think I'm pregnant,' and my Daddy said, 'Well, THAT'S a happy
thought!'"
================================================
[from David and Virginia, via HAND!]

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some
ice fishing.  They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off
up there.  The lake was frozen nicely.  They stopped just before they
got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off.  In about two hours, one of them
was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice
picks."  Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,
but he didn't.  He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back.  Said, "We're going to need all the
ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer.  "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said.  "We don't even have the boat in the
water yet." 
================================================
[from http://edmonton.shaw.wave.ca/fowler/dcf/Think56a.htm ]

1. Do Viruses ever get sick? 
2. Do witches run spell checkers? 
3. Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck? (Neil Enns) 
4. Does fuzzy logic tickle? 
5. How come programmers find it so easy to master the special 
language that runs computers, yet those same folks who write the 
technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English? 
(Kerry Diotte, The Edmonton Sun)     
6. How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the     
programmers or analysts? 
7. How do you press F1 when your P.C. has a keyboard error or no 
keyboard present? 
8. If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word 
processor do? 
9. If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren't there more happy Windows 95 
users?    
10. If we can make semiconductors, why can't we make complete 
conductors? (James Terris) 
11. If you access the Internet from the country, does that mean you 
have a down home page? 
12. In DoubleSpace, can anyone hear your data scream? (Vanbooven) 
13. In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing 
the word 'zzzz' to 'sex' ? 
14. Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free 
disks?
15. Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key? 
(Neil Enns) 
16. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? (Ryoga) 
17. Just where is the "any" key anyway? 
18. Was Jimi Hendrix's modem a Purple Hayes? 
19. What kind of locks do computer keys open? 
20. When you turn your computer monitor off, does the screen saver 
still work? 
21. Which one is the fatherboard? (Alistair and Gordon Smith) 
22. Who actually clicks on the "No, I am not over 18" links on 
"adult" pages? 
23. Why are disks called floppy and paper is hardcopy? 
24. Why can't they make mainframes PC compatible? 
25. Why do computer users only blink an average of 7 times per 
minute, while the average person blinks 22 times per minute? 
(D.Cashman) 
26. Why do most software developers call bugs they can't fix, 
features? (Vanbooven) 
27. Why do some on-line modem access software programs tell you to go 
and download the latest version of the software if you can't get the 
product to work? Just how are you going to do that? 
28. Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest 
impact? 
29. Why do we call it downloading when as often as not it's 
freeloading? (BoogieMan) 
30. Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two 
seconds as 20 people working 20 years make? (Ken Booth) 
31. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many 
stupid users? 
32. Why does the "save" icon on Microsoft Word show a floppy disk 
with the shutter on backwards? This is not very reassuring! 
33. Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete? 
34. Why doesn't the 'esc' key work in Leavenworth? 
35. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"? 
36. Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little 
buttons? 
37. Why is it that whenever a system becomes completely defined, some 
damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or 
expands it beyond recognition? 
38. Why do people insist on telling everybody to go and check their 
homepage but don't actually let you record your checkmark? 
39. Don't you just hate it when you've completely finished 
your newly created web page.....and the server goes down as you're 
uploading? (Jill) 
================================================
[from David and Virginia, via HAND!]

     An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his
  doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to
  sleep at night!" "Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried
  counting sheep?" "That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend
  the next six hours trying to find it!"


     As found in the Ottawa Citizen, July 9/97:
   Law firm closed after billing mother of dead partner
   By Maurice Weaver / The Daily Telegraph
   London - A British law firm that billed a dead man's mother
   $350 an hour for finding his body after he committed suicide,
   has been closed by regulators.
     The firm's two senior partners, including John Westall,
   who presented the final bill totalling more than $28,000,
   have had their licences suspended and have been summoned
   before a disciplinary tribunal, which has the power to fine,
   suspend or disbar them.
     Mr. Westall, 53, and David Waterhouse, 47, were partners
   in James Beauchamp.
     The incident occurred last November when Christopher Bryant,
   54, a property lawyer at Beauchamp's offices, was found hanged at
   his home.  A coroner recorded a verdict of suicide.
     Beauchamp sent a bill to Irene Brierley, the dead man's 80-
   year-old mother, demanding payment for professional services.
   The itemized bill included sums for "attending Mr. Bryant's
   home when he failed to attend work."


      Mike, a reporter from Philadelphia, was visiting an old
   colleague who now edited a newspaper in a small town in Maine.
     "I don't see how you do it," Mike said.  "How can you
   drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows
   what everybody else is doing?"
     "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the
   newspaper to see who got caught at it."


   -Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors?
      Over the apevine.

   -There's a dog that loves to be scrubbed three times every day.
      The owners aren't sure of his breed, they think he's a
      shampoodle.

   -A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup
    for her birthday.  An hour later, while wandering through the
    house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the
    kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."

   -A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to
    make a long-distance caw.
================================================
[from http://edmonton.shaw.wave.ca/fowler/dcf/Think29a.htm ]

1. Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway! 
2. Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much 
artificial sweetner? (Born Loser) 
3. How young can you die of old age? 
4. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide'n'seek, does 
he automatically lose because he can't find himself? 
5. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation? 
6. If you hire Dr. Kevorkian to assist with your suicide and you
live, can you sue him for malpractice? 
7. Is death just nature's way of telling us to slow down? 
8. Is diarrhea considered hereditary since it runs in your genes?
9. When a child is sick, why do they NEVER throw up in the bathroom?
(Don Woods) 
10. Why are hemroids called "hemroids" instead of "astroids"??
11. Why are some people afraid to die? Why don't they just not be 
there when it happens? 
12. Why do men get hiccups more often than women? (Alice Yucht)
13. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 
14. Why do toothaches start on Saturday nights? (Don Woods) 
15. Why do we itch? 
16. Why is it called a "hysterectomy" and not a herstectomy? (Vickie 
Porter)    
17. Why is it that whenever we see someone who has just had an   
accident and is bleeding a lot, we ask them Are you hurt? 
18. Why is it that whenever you've got a virus and you're going to be 
sick a lot, you always throw up first at two in the morning? 
(Lzrdbrth98) 
19. Why when you throw up does it go everywhere but in the toilet? 
20. Should we worry about dying, since it's not going to happen in 
our lifetimes? 
21. Wouldn't the best cure for insomnia be to get a lot of sleep? 
22. Is it not true that if you treat every situation as a life and 
death matter, you'll die a lot of times? 
23. Why does a funeral start with fun? 
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Lewis]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the
16th hole.  He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods  on the side  of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball
and comes  across this little  guy  with this huge knot on his head,
and the golf  ball lying right  beside him.  

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds  to revive the poor little
guy.  

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square.  I am  a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."  

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't 
hurt you too badly," and walks away. 

Watching the golfer depart, the  leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well,
he was a nice enough guy, and he  did catch me, so I  have to do
something for him. I'll give him the  three things that I would want.
I'll give him unlimited money, a great  golf game, and a great sex
life."  

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at  the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same
woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he
sees the  same little guy and asks how he is doing. 

The leprechaun says, "I'm  fine, and might I ask how your golf game
is?"  

"It's great! I hit under par every time." 

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The  golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in  my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."  

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" 

The golfer looks  at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once
or twice a week." 

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"  

"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." 
================================================
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

 Top 15 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

15. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

14. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

13. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.  

12. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.   

11. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 
  
10. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.    

9. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing       
www.pethouse.com instead of working.    

8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.   

7. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.    

6. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail       
wagging.    

5. Three words Carpal Paw Syndrome.     

4. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, *cats*, on the other hand...     

3. SIT and STAY were hard enough; GREP and AWK are out of the        
question!     

2. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver     

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.        
(Too Damn Hard To Type with paws!)   
================================================
[forwarded by Greg, on REHU - in response to his postings about 
Sandra Boynton's book&CD called "Grunt: Pigorian Chant"]

Greg, this work (GRUNT) walks the razorback's edge between levity and
liturgy.  I'm pleased to tell you that I am  familiar with this
liturgy, because we have already been using it at Roger's Park
Lutheran Church for Sunday worship.  We have not yet seen the
published version of the book and CD set, however, because the entire
text of the work was transmitted to one of the congregational members
digitally over ham radio.

The use of this liturgy marks a significant turning point in the life
of RPLC, because the eucharistic portion of the liturgy is so sublime
and revelatory that the church is on the verge of moving to weekly
communion, insteady of its normal twice a month schedule.  Numerous
folk at RPLC have told me that the most compelling, epiphanic point of
GRUNT's eucharistic liturgy comes as the celebrant intones the words
of institution "Hog est corpus meum,"  in response to which the
congregants literally squeal with delight at the sight of the Holy
Feed set before them.  It's music to a pastor's ears.

Perhaps not surprisingly, after taking up this new liturgy, Bible
studies also have taken on a new savor.  Some have focused on
re-interpreting the matter of precisely why Christians do not follow
the Jewish dietary restrictions on eating pork.  Others have explored
the dominical injunction not to throw pearls before swine, in search
of the deep allegorical or mystagogical meanings.  It's a pig-turesque
image, but we have yet to root out a satisfying explanation for Jesus'
perplexing words.  Perhaps you would be able to offer some guidance in
this regard.

So if you and Jeannine wish to experience the fullness of GRUNT as
fine liturgy in a Lutheran setting, I encourage you to come to Rogers
Park Lutheran Church on any of the Sundays remaining in the season
after Pentecost.  You may believe me when I say that the folks at RPLC
enact the liturgy with great sty-le.  Indeed, you'll think you've died
and gone to hog heaven!

================================================
[from GCFL]

This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of
IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a
special list of the strangest of these calls.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you
  want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
  thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the
  decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to
  relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we granted to someone else we could get a
  lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
================================================
[from http://edmonton.shaw.wave.ca/fowler/dcf/Think53a.htm ]

{remember, this is a JOKE, and Teresa didn't write it!}

1. Can God make a rock so big that even he cannot lift it? 
2. Can God undo the past? 
3. Did God have permission to experiment with DNA? (Jacob) 
4. Did God make man superior to woman because she was made from     
the rib, a cheaper cut? (RSK) 
5. How could God make man in his own image, if mirrors weren't
invented then? 
6. How did Noah get the whales down from the top of the mountain? 
(Bill F.) 
7. If God is everywhere and everything, what need is there for God to
have consciousness? 
8. If God sneezes... what should you say? 
9. If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 
10. If God was a Japanese auto designer would an Elephant be a Mouse? 
(Neil Enns) 
11. If Jesus is the answer, what is the question? (jb)
12. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the
box? 
13. If there's Life after Death, are we going to die or have we
died already? 
14. If you are religious, why is it that kneeling keeps you in good 
standing? (rlr) 
15. If you were accused of being a Christian, would there be enough 
evidence to prove it? (rlr) 
16. If you worship the devil but don't do a very good job of it, do 
you go to heaven? 
17. Is it true that all monks think about is Sects? 
(Vanbooven) 
18. Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, does that make my pet dog 
Satan? (Vanbooven) 
19. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"? 
20. When the Bible was written was the whole story included? 
21. Who created God? 
22. Who did Cain and Abel marry? (Bill F.) 
23. Why are some Catholic churches named "Our Lady of Perpetual Help" 
not open 24 hours? (Lynn S) 
24. Why be Born Again? Couldn't we just grow up? 
25. Why did Noah only allow two of every other kind of animal except 
humans? Was this the first discrimination? (ryoga) 
26. Why did Noah put WATER based animals into the Ark? Surely not to 
protect them from more water. (Bill F.) 
27. Why do Christians worship a God who violated a virgin's civil 
rights? 
28. Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know 
what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon? 
29. Why do they ask you to give your money to God, but then give you 
THEIR address? (Vanbooven) 
30. Why do they call it a Holy Bible? Does this mean there is an 
Unholy Bible? (Pat F.) 
31. Why does the Vatican have Lightning Rods? 
32. Why does the word "girl" appear only once in the Bible? 
33. Why is it that everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants 
to die? 
34. Can God create a square circle? 
35. Is it possible for God to commit self-destruction? 
36. Did God really create the world in 6 days, or did he goof off for 
5 and then pull an all-nighter? 
37. God made pleasurable things sinful! Isn't that strange? Why 
didn't He just make them unpleasurable? 
38. If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 
39. Is it true that God made man before woman to give him time to 
think of an answer for her first question? 
40. If God condones the gay life, why didn't he make Adam and Bruce? 
================================================
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

CARMEN POSSUM

The nox was lit by lux of Luna,
And 'twas a nox most opportuna
To catch a possum or a coona;
For nix was scattered o'er this mundus,
A shallow nix, et non profundus.
On sic a nox with canis unus,
Two boys went out to hunt for coonus.
The corpus of this bonus canis
Was full as long as octo span is,
But brevior legs had canis never
Quam had hic dog; et bonus clever,
Some used to say, in stultum jocum
Quod a field was to small locum
For sic a dog to make a turnus
Circum self from stem to sternus.
Unus canis, duo puer,
Nunquam braver, numquam truer,
Quam hoc trio nunquam fuit,
If there was I never knew it.
This bonus dog had one bad habit,
Amabat much to tree a rabbit,
Amabat plus to chase a rattus,
Amabat bene tree a cattus.
But on this nixy moonlight night
This old canis did just right.
Nunquam treed a starving rattus,
Nunquam chased a starving cattus.
But securrit on, intentus
On the track and on the scentus,
Till he trees a possum strongum,
In a hollow trunkum longum.
Loud he barked in horrid bellum,
Seemed on terra vehit pellum.
Quickly ran the duo puer
Mors of possum to secure.
Quam venerit, one began
To chop away like quisque man.
Soon the axe went through the truncum
Soon he hit it all kerchunkum;
Combat deepens, on ye braves!
Canis, pueri et staves;
As his powers non longius tarry,
Possum potest, non pugnare.
On the nix his corpus lieth.
Down to Hades spirit lieth,
Joyful pueri, canis bonus,
Think him dead as any stonus.
Now they seek their pater's domo,
Feeling proud as any homo,
Knowing, certe, they will blossom
Into hereoes, when with possum
They arrive, narrabunt story,
Plenus blood et plenior glory.
Pompey, David, Samson, Ceasar,
Cyrus, Black Hawk, Shalmanezer!
Tell me where est now the gloria,
Where the honors of victoria?
Nunc a donum narrent story,
Plenus sanguine, tragic, gory.
Pater praiseth, likewise mater,
Wonders greatly younger frater.
Possum leave they on the mundus,
Go themselves to sleep profundus,
Somniunt possums slain in battle,
Strong as ursai, large as cattle.
When nox gives way to lux of morning,
Albam terram much adorning,
Up they jump to see the varmen,
Of the which this is the carmen.
Lo! possum est resurrectum!
Ecce pueri dejectum,
Ne relinquit track behind him,
Et the pueri never find him.
Cruel possum! bestia vilest,
How the pueros thou beguilest!
Pueri think non plus of Caesar,
Go ad Orcum, Shalmanezer,
Take your laurels, cum the honor,
Since ista possum is a goner!.
Anonymous
================================================
[from Juggy via HUMOR Digest and "Wit & Wisdom"]

RIDDLES

1. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?

2. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

3. What is it that no man ever saw and which never was but always will
be?

4. Why does a dog bite its tail?

5. What looks like half an apple?

6. What 3 letters change a girl into a  woman?

7. What  happened when the wheel was invented?

8. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?

9. Why does a bike rest on its leg?

10. Why is the letter E like Death?

11. What goes up but never comes down?

RIDDLES with answers:

1. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today? Ans :
Because he is dead.

2. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? Ans
: Wet.

3. What is it that no man ever saw and which never was but always will
be? Ans : TOMORROW

4. Why does a dog bite its tail? Ans : To make both ends meet.

5. What looks like half an apple? Ans :  The other half.

6. What 3 letters change a girl into a  woman? Ans : AGE.

7. What  happened when the wheel was invented? Ans : It caused a
revolution.

8. Why is it easy to weigh a fish? Ans : Because it has its own
scales.

9. Why does a bike rest on its leg? Ans : Because it is too tyred.

10. Why is the letter E like Death? Ans : Because it is the end of
'LIFE'

11. What goes up but never comes down? Ans : Age.
================================================
[from Chivist]

Signs that you are over-the-hill:

At night your bedroom smells like Ben Gay instead of cologne.

Instead of saying, "Good morning," you ask, "Have you taken your
medicine."

You offer to buy your yuppie daughter a Slurpy and she just looked at
me and says, "They're called Smoothies, Dad, Smoothies."

About all you know about yuppies is that they are younger than you and
that you are sure they aren't hippies.

The large majority of your compact discs are "remastered."

At least half the musicians recorded on those CDs are, at any given
time, dead.

When you purchased your CD player, you were more anxious about how
long it would be before CD technology is obsolete rather than whether
it is state-of-the-art.

You hate end-zone dances.

You hate them even worse when the players doing them are still 40
yards from the end zone.

You think the proper placement of a cap bill (it should be forward) is
a moral issue.

You think the Grateful Dead are the coolest.

Most of your co-workers whom you think of as contemporaries have
parents your age.

Co-workers you thought of as contemporaries come to you for sage
counsel just because you're so much older.

You despise rap even more than you despised disco--something you
never thought even theoretically possible.

You're not sure whether rap is still cool.

You don't know what your "comfort zone" is, but you're pretty sure it
isn't anywhere in the vicinity of people who use phrases like "comfort
zone."

You think of Tom Petty and Van Halen as "new" rock.

You still think "access," "impact," "reference" and "message" are
nouns.

You don't consider your boxers or briefs to an item clothing for
public display.

You find yourself humming or singing to yourself "You are my
sunshine" when you are around your significant other.

Yes, you know what a "significant other" is, but you are worried that
only a fogey would still use the expression.

In regards to your intimacies with others you believe that privacy is
an important value.

Owning a Corvette is sexual status symbol.

You can't for the life of you figure out what makes anything and
everything about Madonna newsworthy.

At least half the items in your refrigerator have the NutraSweet logo
on the packaging.

If you have a tattoo, you feel obligated to say that you were drunk
when you got it.

You start actually liking "Seasons in the Sun" (If I ever qualify for
this one, I hereby beseech my friends to please just shoot me).

The names Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow mean nothing
to you.

You no longer go to church primarily for the children or for economic
motives, but in consideration of your soul.

When you hear the word "grass," you think about your lawnmower.

You read the obituaries as least once a week.
================================================
[from TobermoryM]

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed
a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so he
thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip
the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect
working order.  So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously
awaited the results.

The day he got his test score back he got quite a surprise, he
received 150%!  He quickly  phoned the instructor for an explanation
where he was told that in fact the test score was correct. First he
received 50% for stripping down the engine and doing a very thorough
job.  Second he received 50% for reassembling it, a fantastic job
really, and then a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler. 
================================================
[from Lynn]

You Know You're a Mother When . . . .

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're
equal.

2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.

5. Some one else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

7. You've mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes
and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in
the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, your child
chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your
child eats.

11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

13. You find yourself cutting your husbands' sandwiches into cute
shapes.

14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you
say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get
that disease.

18. You hire a sitter because you hven't been out with your husband
in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but
you know you wouldn't trade it for anything. 
================================================
[from Chivist]

Vasectomy

After having their 10th child, a couple decided that that was enough,
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.  The doctor told him that
there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb,
put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 
The man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I
don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going
to help me."

So the couple drove to another state to get a second opinion.  The
doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed wherethey were from.  This doctor also told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold
it next to his ear and count to 10.  Figuring that both doctors
couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4,
5..."at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand. 
================================================
[from Tom Lewis]

What do you call the sweat between two hillbillies making love?
  Relative Humidity!
+-------------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

The lush called out to the waiter, "Hey,waiter, bringme a dish of
prunes." Said the waiter, "Stewed sir?"    "Thash none of your
business"

+-------------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

After years of scolding her husband for coming home drunk, Mrs.
Jackson was counseled to treat him only with kindness.  The next
morning, when Jackson came staggering home,  his wife greeted him
affectionately, seated him comfortable, embraced him, and asked him
to kiss her. "I may as well," he muttered" " I'll get hell when I get
home anyway." 
================================================
[from Brian]

Redmond WA (AP)

Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a $54 million lawsuit against
Tomagotchi maker, Bandai.  Microsoft is claiming that the
Tomagotchi, the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage
with the kids, is an infringment of its intellectual property.

"Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else
it dies?  Sounds like Windows to me", stated MSFT spokesman
Eric Longford.  "This is clearly an infringment on our technology."
================================================
[from PABrantley, via "Just Too Funny!"]

She/He Definitions

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
  female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
          psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
          in a relationship.
    male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
  female: Any part under a car's hood.
    male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
  female: A woman who makes love to other women.
    male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can
          watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
  female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
          to the upper levels in business.
    male: What would really be great at work since that hot
          babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
          another.
    male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
          partner.
    male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
          a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.
  female: The body part that every item of clothing
          manufactured makes "look bigger."
    male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
  female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
    male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
          one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
    male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
  female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
    male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
          and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
  female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
          achieve.
    male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to
          boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
          another.
    male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
          every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
  female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
          cooking, to make sure it's good.
    male: Something you must do to anything you think has
          gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
================================================
[forwarded by Lela Lowe]

ten commandments for a new computer

I. I am the Geek; thou shalt have no other Geeks before me; for I the
Geek am a jealous Geek, wreaking vengeance on the files of those that
flout my laws. 

II. Thou shalt not blindly accept the word or advice of another Geek; 
I am the Geek. 

III. Thou shalt not take the use of thy computer in vain; for it is
vouchsafed first for the making of money, then the doing of
schoolwork, then the checking of email, and only then for the
surfing of the Web and the playing of games. 

IV. Thou shalt not shelve thy human companionships and duties to
merge with the computer. 

V. Honor thy mother and thy siblings, that thy days may be long upon
the earth; yield thou to their needs with a good grace and bright
countenance. 

VI. Thou shalt not erase nor change another's work, nor game, nor
mail; neither shalt thou read anything that pertaineth to thee not. 

VII. Thou shalt not add a single byte of software nor a chip of
hardware that hath not the blessing of thy Geek. 

VIII. Thou shalt not pirate software. 

IX. Thou shalt not deal mischievously with system settings to avoid
accountability for a mishap. 

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's hardware nor his software,
neither anything that pertaineth to thy system not. I am the Geek. 
================================================
[from David House, via HAND!]

REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name:			First name:

[_] Billy-Bob			[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe			[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray			[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue			[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae			[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack			[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer			[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser		[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed		[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name:		__________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:      __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name:      __________________________
Lover's Name:		__________________________
2nd Lover's Name:	__________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister			[_] Aunt
[_] Brother			[_] Uncle
[_] Mother			[_] Son
[_] Father			[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin			[_] Pet

Number of children living in household:	___
Number of children living in shed:	___
Number of children that are yours:	___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck		____ kitchen
____ bedroom		____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer   [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide                [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth?	___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow		[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown		[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
================================================
[from Brian]

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
+----------------------------------+
[from Ivan]

Two winos were employed on a construction site.  One day, the forman
grabbed one of them and yelled,  "how come you only carry four
bricks and your buddy is carrying eight?"

Said the wino,  "I dunno, maybe he's too lazy to make two trips." 
+-----------------------------------+
[forwarded by Trefor]

A man, curious about Catholicism, approaches a Dominican.  He asks the
Dominican about various subjects, and eventually the conversation
turns to religious orders.

         "So, you're a Dominican?"
         "Yes."
         "What can you tell me about the Dominicans?"
         "Well, in short, we were founded by St. Dominic as an aswer
to the Albigensians."
         "I see.  What about the Jesuits I keep hearing about?"
         "They were founded by St. Ignatius of Loyala as a response to
to the Protestant Reformation."
         "Hmmm...so which is the greatest order?"

The Dominican ponders this question for a second, and replies: "Well,
when was the last time you met an Albigensian?" 
================================================
[From Mikey's Funnies, via "A Joke A Day"]

Jargon Watch

Here are some modern jargon examples, from the book "Jargon Watch",
just published by Wired magazine:

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper
goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in
midsentence.

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we
gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are
useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull.
Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of
how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience
Shackophobia.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning
to leave a company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404, man."

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually
forgot what city we were in."

Going Postal--Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.
Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees
who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in
order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they
are solvent again.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying,
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials
were a prime example.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards.

Midair Passenger Exchange - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a
head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by
"aluminum rain."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Ohnosecond - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book The
Electronic Traveller.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and
Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've
submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless
users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another
variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his
system.")

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crud out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
"cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up
over the walls to see what's going on.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
"poops" over everything and then leaves.

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of
a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven
digits.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class;
the rest were tourists."

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a
vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the
number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number
and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all of
the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot
for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the
Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We
all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Roush]

When I was a Kid ...

 Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went
 barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
 traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
 
 First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or
 any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled
 roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play
 right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters,
 which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so
 we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were
 taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our
 skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels
 would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads
 had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland,
 Springfield)
 
 And the winner is:
 
 In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek
 and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis,
 Columbia)
 
 
 Honorable Mentions:
 
 In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty,
 my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
 
 In my day, your mama was so ugly, we walked 15 miles to school
 because she was the bus driver. (Rob Cramer and Fredreka Schouten,
 Arlington)
 
 In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing,"
 "one," "twain" and "multitudes." Or you could hold up digits to show
 how many, maximum 20 for women, 21 for men. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
 
 In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like
 sex. At least that is what they told me. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
 
 When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real
 doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.  (Brendan
 Bassett, Columbia)
 
 When I was a kid, 2K RAM and 2 Hz was good enough. 36 Megs and
 300 Hz?  You can't even type that fast. (Dan Chaney, Clinton)
 
 Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all
 excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
 (Russell Beland, Springfield)
 
 In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work,"
 "time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around
 and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
 
 In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet.
 (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
 
 In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day
 we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes
 drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong
 as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
 
 In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do
 addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers
 amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
 
 In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only
 had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get
 to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a
 thousand times, dadgummit. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
 
 In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice
 saying `Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and
 if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the
 damn way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end.
 But the base fare was only a dollar.  (Russell Beland, Springfield)
 
 In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own
 hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
 
 In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ...
 (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
 
 Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun
 revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of
 a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
 
 In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous
 wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
 
 In my day, we didn't have Dilbert or Zippy, we had the mindless
 sentimental drivel of Family Circus and the stilted banality of Mark
 Trail. Now that was suffering. What? You must be kidding. Never
 mind. (Chris Kaufman, Lanham)
 
 In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff
 just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse. (Barry
 Blyveis, Columbia)
 
 Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired
 liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal
 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo,
 Kensington)
 
 In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
 barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope
 you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
================================================
[from Sosimo Sotelo, via "Just Too Funny!"]

Take the hippie quiz and discover your hippie quotient. Your hip Q?

For each inch your hair reaches past your shoulders- give yourself 2
pts.

If you are male, multiply that score by 2.

For males- if you have gotten flack for having long hair- add 2 pts.

Females- if you have gotten flack for wearing no makeup- add 2 pts

If you are over the age of 40 and still have not cut your hair- add 10
pts.

If you have a brownie recipie that includes ingredients you 
can not get at the local A&P- add 5 pts. 

Add 2 points if your dwelling is decorated with any of the 
following: beads hanging from the door, a lava lamp, fillmore posters.


If you have a bean bag chair in your "groovy pad"- add 2 pts.

If the bean bag chair is the only piece of furniture you have- add 5
pts.

If your dwelling has all of the above- add 10 pts.

If your home is decorated with homemade art- add 10 pts.

If you do pottery- add 2 pts.

If you know how to do macrame- add 2 pts.

If you know how to do the macarena- subtract 2 pts.

If you were at Woodstock- add 10 pts.

If you think you may have been at Woodstock, 
but aren't entirely sure- add 15 pts.

Who is your favorite Beatle?

If it is John- add 4 points

George-add 3 points

Ringo- add 2 points

Paul- add 1 point

If you have fire drills to practice getting all your 
Grateful Dead tapes out of the house- add 10 pts

Add 2 pts for each state line you've crossed on your 
longest road trip to see a 60s era musical artist or band in concert.

If you have traveled to another country to see such a 
band or artist- add 10 pts

If you were affected personally by Jerry Garcia's death- add 5 pts.

If you know what bag you're in- add 2 pts

If you own an incense burner- add 2 pts.

If you own, or have owned a VW bus- add 5pts.

Add an additional 5pts. if the bus is painted multiple colors

If you play the sitar- add 2 pts. 

If you have written a song protesting war, bucking the establishment,
or containing a reference to illegal drugs- add 5 pts

If you have written songs about all three- add 10 pts.

If you were actually alive in the 1960s- add 3 pts

If you really, really wish you had been alive in the 1960s- add 1 pt

If you believe that "All You Need is Love"- add 5 pts. 

Subtract 10 pts if you add the phrase "and a good medical plan"

If the word "trip" does not make you think of a vacation- add 2 pts.

If the word "man," peppers your conversations- add 2 pts.

If you've used the word "groovy" or the phrase "Can you dig it?" with
a straight face- add 5 pts.

If you have used both in the same sentence- add another 5 pts

If you've taken part in a peace march-add 2 pts

If you've started a petition- add 2 pts

If you've taken part in a sit-in- add 2 pts

If you have done all three- add 5 pts

If you've ever received junk mail addressed to "dear radical"- add 5
pts

If you think "social action" is a frat party on a saturday 
night- subtract 10 pts

If your children have names like Windsong, Freedom or 
Peace Love Understanding Smith- add 10 pts

If you wish your parents hand named you 
Peace Love Understanding Smith- add 5 pts

If you say "thank you" when someone calls you a hippy- add 2 pts.

If you say "Groovy man, like, you think I'm a hippy? 
Far out, can you dig that?" - add 10 pts.

If you wear Birkenstocks- add 2 pts

If you make your own sandals- add 10 pts

If you have a bumper sticker reading "save the whales", "think green"
or has dancing bears on it- add 2 pts

If such bumper stickers are holding your car together- add 5 pts

If you're a vegetarian- add 5 pts

If the only reason you call yourself a "vegetarian" is 
that you stopped eating Big Macs- subtract 10 pts

If you smell like patchouli- add 2 pts

If you have sold any hand-made item in the parking lot
of a concert- add 2 pts

If you think money is the root of all evil- add 2 pts

If you add the phrase "and may the devil smite me with it" -subtract 5
pts

If you think Jim Morrison's poetry is profound- add 2 pts

If you think John Lennon's drawings are art- add 2 pts

If you like Bob Dylan's singing voice- add 5 pts

If you've never heard of Jim Morrison, John Lennon or 
Bob Dylan- subtract 10 pts

If you have a necklace with either wooden beads, seeds, a peace or yin
yang symbol- add 2 pts

If you have all of the above- add 5 pts

If you used to have all of the above but you gave them away or traded
them for concert tickets- add 15 pts

If your computer screen name or password is related to a 60s musical
performer- add 2 pts

If the only cds or records in your collection that were recorded after
1980 were recorded by artists who were most famous in the 60s or 70s-
add 5 pts

If you've been to San Francisco- add 1 pt

If you wore flowers in your hair- add 2 pts

If you've lived in a commune- add 10pts

If you quit the commune because you were tired of being 
the one to do all the work- subtract 5 pts

If you own a tie dyed article of clothing- add 2 pts

If you did not dye it yourself- subtract 1 pt

If you own any clothing items made of hemp- add 2 pts. 

If you have practiced Transcendental Meditation, have seriously
studied Eastern religion, or been a Jesus freak- add 5 pts

If you have done all of the above- add 5 pts

If you have had a chemically induced spiritual experience- add 5 pts

If you voted for Ronald Reagan- subtract 200 pts

If you got this far and realized you haven't been keeping score- add 1
pt.

Scoring 

Anything under 10- You are the establishment

11-79- You've got some hippie in you, hang out a while

80-100- Yes, my friend, you're a hippie. Isn't it far out?

100 and above- Wow man, now I don't want to put any labels on you, but
you're absolutely a hippie.
================================================
[from Mark Huth on REHU]

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

Author unknown
+------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth on REHU]

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with
her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by
the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his
hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did
hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd
appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a
good gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way
at Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I
thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection
plate!"

 And the Reverend said, "NO S**T?!"
================================================
[two from HAND!]

A little Shakespeare sent by Richard Wimer
 to the computer jokelist  <JOKES@why-not.com>

     To Compute...
     Or Not To Compute...
     That Is The Question...
     Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..
     To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...
     ...Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of..Transistors, Or Rather
     Transponders... Transcondu-- Trans... Er...
           Oh, To Hack With It.

and more sent by David & Virginia:

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
  1. Word processors never display a cursor.
  2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
  4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some
such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical
interfaces.
  6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly
     powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand
     and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any
information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on
any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
 10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen
     changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen
     so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced
     computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have
explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are
indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of
sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without
saving the data.
13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive
computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the
"OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average
2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems
that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to
transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all
control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the
file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present
Danger"). 
19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you insert it. 
20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the
manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and
all software is usable on any platforms. 
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have.
(See "Aliens".) 
23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers
because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT"
button. 
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics
capabilities. 
25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities
and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer. 
26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".) 
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking
for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission
Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and
"computer" and 3 results are returned.) 
================================================
[from HAND!]

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.  "How was your
summer?"asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea.  "Hey, why don't you go down the corner
and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers
and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?" 

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a 
wasp." 
================================================
[from http://www.halcyon.com/zylstra/comedy/star/enterprise-end.txt ]

Top 21 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner
    of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w". 
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
    from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
    through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
    side become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
    people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by
    ten thousand care bears.
 9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
    macaroni and cheese.
 8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
 7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
    stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
 6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
    Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
 5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related
    problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing
    with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
 4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
    "Pretty please with sugar on it".
 3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes
    and loses access to nude volleyball program.
 2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
    exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
 1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
================================================
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on REHU]

You might be a Wisconsinite if .....
  you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
  your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar... 
  snow tires come standard on all your cars... 
  at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm... 
  you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week... 
  you can identify a Michigan accent... 
  you know what "cow-tipping" is..... 
  you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off 
your bike...
  "Down South" to you means Chicago...
  traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee...
  the "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR a brat is
something you eat ... 
  you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat..... 
  you have no problem spelling Milwaukee.. 
  you got a passport to go to Minnesota... 
  you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon... 
  you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school 
holiday... 
  You know that Gotham is a real city...
  You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc... 
  you know what a bubbler is..... 
  the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do... 
  your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to
your blue spruce...
  you think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every
car north of Madison...
  a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer... 
  you  go out for fish fry on every Friday... 
  you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing 
shorts...  
  when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought
that was part of Canada...
  your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
  you know how to polka.... 
  you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions..... 
  formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap... 
  your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a  
"trip to Door County..."
  you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...
  you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
  your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost... 
  you know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it...  
(by the way, Waunakee is a village!)
  you have more fishing poles than teeth...
  you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a
weekend...
================================================
[forwarded by Bill Koch, via EcuLaugh]

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase,
copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named,
predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to
consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from
God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's
new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more
accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him,
making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." 

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a
multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: 

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah. 

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God
with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord
accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser
interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including
Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the
poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server. 

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this
product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a
minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed
delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards
enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum
learning curve. 

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval,
the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a
clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God
server. 

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of
complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance
the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based  on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is
expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism,
Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc. 

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning
to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt
to render Microsoft God installations inoperable. 
================================================
[from Bargainldy, via "The Humour List"]

 Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man...

 Name: ____________________________________
 (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
 "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

 Age: _____

 Inner Child's Age: ___

 Age in Dog Years: ____

 Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ____

 Sex:
 _____ M
 _____ F
 _____ Hermaphrodite
 _____ Still working it out in therapy

 Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

 Condition of Feet:
 ____ Wash Daily
 ____ Wash Weekly
 ____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

 Occupation:
 ___ Massage Therapist
 ___ Astral Counsel
 ___ Pet Psychologist
 ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
 ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
 ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
 ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
 ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
 ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
 ___ Rent-A-Mob protester
 ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
 ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
 ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
 ___ LA rock star groupie
 ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
 ___ Professional Emotional Victim

 Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________

 Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
 ____ Astral Soulmate
 ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
 rent was cheap ____ My dog's massage therapist ____ "Just Friends"
 ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
 as tax deduction(s)

 Number of Children in Commune: _____

 Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____

 Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
 Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

 Mother's Name: ____________________

 Father's Name: ____________________

 Where were you were conceived:
 ____ Woodstock
 ____ Monterey
 ____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub
 ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

 Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
 __________________

 Number of copies sold: ____

 Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____

 Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
 wind chimes: ___

 Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

 Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

 Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
 ____ Donahue
 ____ Ricki Lake
 ____ Geraldo
 ____ Sally Jesse
 ____ The morning news' surf report

 Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

 Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals:
____

 Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____
 (if all, enter "on tour")

 Number of bongs you own: ____

 Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed
 ran out: ____

 Political Party Affiliation:  (Choose as many as you have
 personalities)
 ____ Green Party
 ____ American Communist Party
 ____ Socialist Party
 ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
 ____ Hemp Party ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
 Hotline Party ____ New Age Goddess Party

 How far is your home from the waterline:
 ___ Miles
 ___ Yards
 ___ Feet
 ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth,
 in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

 Number of surfboards owned: ____

 Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
 "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, 
totally don't know)
================================================
[forwarded by Barbara, on REHU]

Kid's View of Politics

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?"

Father: "Sure son. What is the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your mother is the administrator of
money, so we will call her the 'Government'. We take care of your
needs so we will call you 'The People'.  We'll call the maid 'The
Working Class', and your baby brother we can call 'The Future'. Do
you understand, Son?"

Son: "I am not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong.  Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his
diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound
asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the
keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking
went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned
to his room and went back to sleep.  The next morning he reported to
his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

Father: "Good Son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored
and the future is full of sh*t." 
================================================
[forwarded by Barbara on REHU]

"Movies" about composers

The recent hit, COPLAND, is the first in the newest and hottest
Hollywood  genre,  films based on the names of great composers.  Some
of the other films  that will soon be arriving in a theatre near you:

  Moe's Art

      Moe (of Three Stooges fame), deciding that he's tired of a
      life of eye-poking  and nose-tweaking, abandons his colleagues
      and sojourns to an uncharted South  Sea island to pursue his
      dream of becoming an artist.  After  soul-transfiguring
      experiences, Moe realizes that performance art is his true
      *metier*, and with a grant from NEA, he is reunited with his
      Larry and Curly  in a movingly emotional climax.  This is a film
      that's not afraid to ask the  question, "What's the big idea?"
      (and the answer is "Nyuk, nyuk").

  Shoe Man

      A charming romantic comedy about a idealistic young shoe
      salesman who falls  in love with a candle-maker's daughter
      (Miss Wick). Basically a good movie,  though it gets a little
      crazy at the end.

  Barely O's

      The comic yet heart-warming saga of the inept 1988 Baltimore
      Orioles (locally  known as "the O's"), who set a major league
      record for consecutive losses at  the beginning of the season.
      The majority of critics are calling this film  "fantastique"!
      (although a dissenting critic asserted, "If there hadn't been a
      title change, it would simply be Much Ado About Nothing!")

  Mendel's Son

      The illegitimate son of the famed geneticist Gregor Mendel
      (remember, he was  a monk) attempts to build upon his father's
      legacy by experimenting with  cloning, with predictably horrific
      results. A Scotch-Italian production, the film is characterized
      as having a "puckish"  wit.

  Catch a Turian

      In the tradition of The Ghost and the Darkness, big-game
      hunters venture  forth to darkest Armenia in pursuit of a
      mythical beast, known as the Turian,  that demands to be "set
      free". The critics agree that, although this film  borrows too
      heavily from other sources, it has a certain trashy charm to it.

  Hinder Myth

      A meek mild-mannered scholar totally dedicated to truth adopts a
      super-hero  guise to battle falsehood, prejudice and myth where
      ever they lie.  In spite  of its overly earnest style, the film
      wins us over through the sheer  integrity of its craft.

  Messy Anne

      A French film about a deeply religious but somewhat disorderly
      woman. The  critics say that this movie is "for the birds".

  Bar Talk

      Filmed in a *cinema verite* style, this film brilliantly
      depicts the  conversation between several famed inebriated
      composers, as they all  coincidentally converge for an evening
      at a neighborhood bar and grill. Steve  Buscemi as Mussourgsky
      and Brad Pitt as Sibelius are stand-outs in an all-star  cast.
       Rock Man, Enough!

      American audiences finally decide that they are sick and tired
      of hearing  nonstop rock music used as a sonic backdrop for
      every conceivable occasion  (obviously, this film is a fantasy).
================================================
[from
http://www.halcyon.com/zylstra/comedy/star/more-than-tribbles.txt ]

STAR TREK V - The EMAIL Message

(or More Trouble Than Tribbles)

The following was gleaned from a ship's log adrift in space near the
new nebula LANpoop, named for the Starship LANpoop, which disappeared
at about the same time the nebula appeared in the Atlanta Cluster in
the Georgia galaxy, Sector 3, Quadrant 7.

"Stardate 3.1.415.927, Admiral George P. Burdell, MIS Starship
LANpoop.

"We recently ran out of space on our F: drive (a networked DOS
partition on STIATL (our unix isolation ward hardware), which is
networked to some VAXen via TCP/IP). We realized we were silly to tie
ourselves to 1 drive with limited potential, and soon schemed to
create a truly virtual F: drive from our available resources. Steve
Lyle, our Systems Administrator, 1st class, carried out the operation,
without consulting the Captain of the Starship LANpoop."

Captain: "Status report, Mr. Spock?"
Spock: "I'm querying the new NetManager, now, Captain."
Sulu: "Captain! All dialup ports frozen solid!"
Captain: "Mr. Scott! Whats happening down there?"
Scott: "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona e disks, forsooth?"
Captain: "Huh???"
Chekov: "Sir, I believe he said, "I dunna ae tellee burra syncing ona
e disks, forsooth?""
Captain: "Say what?"
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said the disks are full, and backfeeding
bits onto the BI bus. I've got the NetManager query response coming 
in now."
Admiral: (smiling) "Mr. Chekov, may I remind you that baiting an
officer is a dangerous game?"
Sulu: (whispered) "It's better than no game at all."
NetManager: "VAX01 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX02 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX03 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX04 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Spock! What could have happened?"
Spock: "Insufficient data, Captain, but the ship's disk log seems to
indicate that the F: drive has broken out of the UNIX isolation 
ward and grown to an incredible size. It must have eaten all of our 
spare disk to do this."
Sulu: "Captain, we've got inbound WATS customers on TTYs 1, 5, and 7.
All of them say their respective Commtasks are dying, and they have 
gone to Condition Red. LANfleet command is on the LA120 with an 
urgent message to help them."
Captain: "Spock?"
Spock: "Not without more resources, Ron."
Captain: "Mr. Scott!!! I need more disk! Giga factor 2!"
Scott: "Huh???"
Spock: "Allow me, Captain. Mr. Scott, thah captain sesd heanz seasd na
ha mure spece onha deesk ana hea musthef 2 gig or mure."
Captain: (head in hands, quietly) "Why did I ever leave the Equifax?"
Scott: "I canna dewit! We hefna thah moolah allocayhted theys
fiscahlyeer!" 
Captain: "Huh???" 
Chekov: "I believe he said..."
Captain: "Myester Sulooh shuhht hyim oop! Iya ken heeyear tha noiz
mahself!" 
Spock: "Sir, I believe he said we can't afford it." 
Captain: "Beam me to finance, Mr. Scott." 
Spock: "Wait, captain. Not yet. Dr. McCoy and Lt. Anderson have been 
training a new F: drive expert over in PD. Corporal Lyle, I think. 
Maybe he can help."
NetManager: "...VAX318 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX319 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
"VAX320 : %SYS-F-NODISKSPACE" (pause)
Captain: "Mr. Spock! Can you shut that thing..."
Spock: "Wait!"
NetManager: "STIATL - urgent msg for lyle: F: drive full"
Spock: "Fascinating. Here's the trouble. The STIATL drive filled up,
and a virtual F:olator kicked in, allowing the other drives on the 
net to consume themselves. Even the Warp drive is full. All the 
dilithium crystals got archived to tape to make room for DOS 
programs." 
Captain: "DOS!!! I thought we pawned those off on the Klingons. We 
did!   I remember. The MS plague wiped them out!"
Spock: "Yes, sir, but DOS are like tribbles, but MUCH less friendly,
and MUCH more dangerous."
Captain: "This is the Captain! Prepare to abandon ship! Mr. Spock,
activate self-destruct sequence..."

The recorded conversation is followed by a noise suspiciosly similar
to that made by a mongo EMP applied to the recorder circuits of a
Starship's log. The investigation is proceeding apace.
================================================
