10/4/97

[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

Hi L__.  Thanks for the news about Microsoft God.  I'd be on the
lookout for it, except for the fact that my word processor already
has remarkably similar (though often overlooked) capabilities.  I use
Microsoft Word, of course, and as everyone knows, it was Microsoft's
first software application (aside from its disk operating system).
That's why it is written, "In the beginning was Word, and Word was
with God, and Word was God."  So I'm well pleased with my Word
processor, and feel no need to switch to the other products just
yet.

However, computer nerds from LutherTech have come up with a couple
of handy utilities that enhance Word's fully divine performance.  The
first is called "Sola Fide."  It works at the level of the interface
between Word and the Microsoft Network's God-server to continuously
adjust your billing account so that you never have any balance due
for connection to the network or for the benefits provided through
it. This utility definitely reduces existential anxiety and opens up
some creativity for doing good work on the web.

The second utility is called "Heilige Sprache."  It automatically
translates all your input from Latin, English, or any other
vernacular, into a sort of encyrpted computer code that, when
decoded by the Microsoft's God-server, appears to God in the form of
German, which is God's native programming language.  Thus all
questions, comments, prayers, etc., addressed to God via Word are
rendered optimally effective.

Note that both of these utilities will render Claris Works
ineffective.

If you wish to learn more about these products, set your web-browser
to <http://www.german-reformation.org>, or GO-MARTY on Compuserve.

By the way, L__, you may feel free to share this information with
those who handed on the information about Microsoft God to you, just
in case you think they might want to hear about this good news. 
================================================
[from Barbara on REHU]

Top Ten Signs Hunting Has Taken Over Your Life

1.  You live in a $400/mo apartment, drive a 12-yr-old pickup, own
$20,000 in firearms, and over the past 10 yrs have spent over
$200,000 on rounds, shells, laser sights and other accessories.

2.  You plan on naming your children Mossberg, Remington, Smith,
Wesson, and Taurus.

3.  During boring meetings at the office you practice reloading under
the table.

4.  You started a write-in campaign to nominate the book "How to Bag
Monster Bucks" for a Pulitzer Prize.

5.  If you had your way you'd decorate the family Christmas tree with
shot shells, Spyderco knives, and empty magazines.

6.  You don't snore, but often make turkey calls all night.

7.  You floss your teeth with bowstring.

8.  Your wardrobe consists solely of RealTree fashions.

9.  You turned your spare bedroom into a 12x12 meat locker for next
hunting season.

10.  You've saved up so you can afford to have your sweat glands
surgically removed to increase your chances during next year's
turkey season. 
================================================
[from Secprop, via "Just Too Funny!"]

               what men want????

      I know the myth is that men want
      Traci Lords in the bedroom,
      Julia Child in the kitchen,
      Hazel around the house,
      Lesley Visser during a game,
      Mary Poppins for the children,
      Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
      Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
      Mary Richards at work,
      Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
      Gertrude Stein in conversation,
      the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
      combined with the voice of Sade,
      and to top it all off,
      the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course
      we don't want to feel too threatened.

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well,
first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from
the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath.

You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your
Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me?  How about asking me?

And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what
Tex-Mex is, okay?!

All right, I'm not supposed to do this.  I'm not supposed to reveal
the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:

Here's what men want from women.  One through Ten:

ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about
clothes, all right?  Yours OR ours.  All we need is one pair of
tennies and one pair of church shoes.  That's it.

TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very
simple: Television is off, we talk.  Television is on, we don't talk.

THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and
expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a
pair of nunchucks, all right?

FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the
fifty-seventh time?

FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
"You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."

SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right?  I met enough chicks
like that at "The Drink" when I was single.

SEVEN- Have a sense of humor.  Without a sense of humor, a
relationship  lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther
meeting.

EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex.  Just
because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean
consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup
Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at
Cedars-Sinai, all right?

NINE- Don't ask us to cry.  As much as you say you want us to cry,
you don't really want us to cry.  You hate it when we cry. I've
tried crying in front of my wife.  She enjoyed it for about thirty
seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this
hamster?"

TEN- be patient.  Hold us.  Love us unconditionally.  Help us out of
this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the
light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob
once in a while? 
================================================
[from Secprop, via "Just Too Funny!"]

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:


Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some
women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.

Let's see, the myth is that women want

      Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
      Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
      Brad Pitt around the house,
      Brad Pitt during a game,
      Brad Pitt when they're sick,
      Brad Pitt in conversation,
      the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall'
      combined with the voice of Brad Pitt,
      and to top it all off

      the IQ of Fabio

      on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or
she'll never find stability.  Hey, I've got news for you, ladies:
looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for
psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous.  As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet.  Women don't like guys
who are dangerous.  Women want us to think that because women are
trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as
reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe
think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly
steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and
power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent
affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to
work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more
assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look
at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you.  You
could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless,
toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. 
Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important:  During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's
your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right?  It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. 
Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the- hill
rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in
your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair
treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine
effort at understanding who they really are.  Or if that's too much
to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head? 
================================================
[from Francesbel, via Leonard Stafford's The Humour List]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
You lick your coffeepot clean. 
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 
Your T-shirt says, "Decaf is the devil's coffee." 
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. 
All your kids are named "Joe." 
You don't need a hammer to pound nails. 
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet and Low." 
You don't sweat, you percolate. 
You've worn out the handles on your favorite mug. 
You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers. 
People get dizzy just watching you. 
People can test their batteries in your ears. 
When someone asks you," How are you?", you say," Good to the last 
	drop."
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. 
You speak perfect Arabic without even taking a lesson. 
Your Thermos is on wheels. 
You can outlast the Energizer Bunny. 
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 
You think being called a drip is a compliment. 
You don't tan, you roast. 
You don't get mad, you get steamed. 
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. 
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. 
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
================================================
[from http://freespace.virgin.net/david.strachan/xfiles.htm ]

Top 10 lines you will never hear on "The X-Files"

10. "The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder....I think it wants to
phone home." 

09. "Sure, we could have these people killed to protect what they
know...but isn't that a little harsh?" 

08. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper and he's
what we call a 'friendly' ghost." 

07. "Look under the mask! That's no swamp monster.....it's Mr. Handy,
the owner of the old country store!" 

06. "My Lord! This conspiracy involves all three of the Gabor
Sisters!" 

05. "Well, Agent Mulder, you caught us. We'll cooperate fully, of
course. What would you like to know?" 

04. "You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director Skinner, that I've
switched over to the nicotine patch." 

03. "The president wants to see you two immediately. He says his
cheeseburger is possessed." 

02. "And it would have worked too, if it hadn't been for you meddling
FBI agents and your stupid dog!" 

01. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong...the government did have our best
interests at heart after all!" 
================================================
[forwarded by Dave Wigley on REHU]

Raising Hogs in Iowa

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
   My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.  So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
   What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies.  I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
   As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
   My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
   business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1000 for not raising hogs.
   If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.
   Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not
raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising
wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
   Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
   In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
   totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
   Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
                                   Patriotically Yours,

P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese.
================================================
[from "Kitty's Daily Mews"]

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies

10.  Veterinarians have evening hours.

9.   Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater
with its crying.  Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with
you, and if you don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether
or not the sitter is available tonight. 

8.   Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes
within three months. 

7.   Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month. 

6.   You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you
are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school)
education. 

5.   No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't
want to breast feed your kitten. 

4.   No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you
fondle your kitten. 

3.   Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of
the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten.  In
fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is. 

2.   No one will question your abilities to function normally at your
job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the BEST reason:

You only have to change a litter box once a day. 
================================================
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0119 ]

SUPPOSE EDGAR ALLAN POE HAD USED A COMPUTER 

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, 
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, 
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, 
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: 
Having reached the bottom line, 
I took a floppy from the drawer. 
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command 
and waited for the disk to store, 
Only this and nothing more. 

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, 
turning yet to churn some more. 
"Save!" I said, "You cursed PC! Save my data from before!" 
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, 
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

Was this some bizarre illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? 
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. 
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. 
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, 
>From "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

With my fingers pale and trembling 
Slowly toward the keyboard bending, 
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, 
Praying for some guarantee 
Timidly I pressed a key. 
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

I tried to catch the chips off-guard -- 
I pressed again, but twice as hard. 
I pleaded with the cursed machine: 
I begged and cried and then I swore. 
Now in desperation, trying random combinations, 
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. 
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. 
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted 
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. 
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. 
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. 
And no "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" 

To this day I do not know 
The place to which lost data go. 
What dreaded nether world is wrought 
where all lost data will be stored? 
Beyond the reach of mortal souls? Beyond the ether? In black holes? 
But sure as there is C, Pascal, and Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, 
One day you'll be left to wonder, data trying to restore, 
"Will I see it nevermore?" 

Author Unknown 
(slight alterations by Nick Brown) 
================================================
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0216 ]

TOP TEN OTHER CHANGES IN THE NEW VERSION OF "STAR WARS" 
========================================================= 

10.  Chewbacca dies at the hands of a hair-eating Cabbage Patch
Doll. 

9.  To help with breathing problem Darth Vader wears a Breathe Right
strip. 

8.  The empire blames Richard Jewell for blowing up the Death Star. 

7.  Bob Barker killed when he tries to neuter Chewbacca. 

6.  Luke, Leia and Darth Vader appear on the Ricki Lake Show. 

5.  All droids sport new "Intel Inside" stickers. 

4.  After years of companionship with Chewbacca, Han Solo finally
coughs up a huge hairball. 

3.  Princess Leia now sporting the "Rachel" haircut. 

2.  Darth Vader's theme replaced by the theme from "Happy Days". 

1.  The voice of Darth Vader? Out:  James Earl Jones In:   Carol
Channing 
================================================
[the first part is from 
http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0420 ]

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers 
to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. 

Canadium  Eh 
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. 
Often called Boron. 

Innofensium  Pc 
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. 

Politicium  Po 
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
lethal concentrations in the House. 

Limbaughium  Lb 
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very
white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons. 

Newtium  Nw
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess
magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. 

Congress Cg 
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution. 

Budweisium  Ps 
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. 

Cabmium  Cb 
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in
motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is
variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for
calculating it. 

[forwarded by Marsha on REHU]

 Clintonium.  Cn
 Extremely lightweight gas. Filled with it, balloons lean right while
 actually moving left. Highly flammable, burns easily for bimbos,
 reporterettes, etc. If the price is right, any foreign element can
 take a picture with a container of this gas.

 Boniorium. Py
 Extreme irritant.  Carries a strong negative charge.  Does not
 possess magnetic properties.  Provides cover for other negative
 elements.

 McDermottium.  Ct
Found in abundance, except when confronted. Exists in two states, in
taping and in leaking. When in leaking, it cannot be stopped, no
matter what you do. McDermottium has a charge associated with it. The
charge is indefensible, and scientists have determined the formula
for calculating it: resignation. 

[from Walt on REHU]

Algore (Zzz) A non-magnetic, semi-metalic, para-organic substance that
everyone can identify, yet no one has yet clearly analyzed (see
Janeutreno). Often orbited by a hazy cloud composed mainly of
Contributoriati. Strong molecular bond with Tipperium.

Janeutreno (AG) Also known as "Cluelessium," this substance has the
longest half-life of all the Cabnetium series. Original estimates that
it would soon flame out were obviously in error. Janeutreno is fairly
stable in its natural state, and provides an excellent cover for more
delicate substances, such as Clintonium or Algore. Experts recommend
application of Independentcounselarium to separate Cn or Zzz from AG's
protective cloaking.
================================================
[from Ron Simms on REHU]

This bloke walks into a pub with a monkey. The monkey jumps up onto
the bar and scampers up and down drinking people's beer and making a
mess. Till he found the peanut bowl.... he thought they were pretty
good so he starts to eat the peanuts by the handful.

The barman thinks this is terrible and says to the man that the
peanuts are for the customers, not for the monkey and could he please
take the monkey off the bar.

"Right'o Fred, looks like you've done your dash here, mate," the man
says to his monkey, "You'll have to get down from there."

The monkey gets down off the bar and scampers over to the pool table,
jumps up on it, grabs the eight ball and swallows it.

The Barman goes ballistic, "Hey!!!  Did you see what that dirty rotten
filthy stinking monkey did?! He ate my eight ball!  Get him out of
here!!!!"

The man says to Fred, "Okay Fred, looks like we're not wanted here." 
He grabs the monkey and takes him out.

About three weeks later the man and Fred walk back into the same bar.
Fred jumps up on the bar the same as before, scampers up and down the
same as before and then he spots the bowl of peanuts, the same as
before.  This time though, Fred takes one peanut, looks at it and
sticks it in his backside. He pulls it out and then looks at it again
and eats it!!!!

The barman goes absolutely totally off the plannet!  "HEY!!!!!! DID
YOU SEE WHAT THAT STINKING FILTHY DIRTY ROTTEN LITTLE SCUM-BAG
DID???!!!  HE PUT THAT PEANUT UP HIS BACKSIDE BEFORE HE ATE IT!!!! 
I'VE NEVER SEEN A MORE DISGUSTING DISPLAY!!!!

"Yeah," says Fred's owner, "Since the eight ball he measures
everything."
================================================
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0223 ]

             STAR WARS SURPRISES 

-Instead of "May the force be with you," 
 Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!" 

-Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather 

-New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard
Simmons 

-He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of 
 Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely. 

-Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks 
 Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber. 

-Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised 
 by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke." 

-Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve. 

-Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint. 

-Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner 

-Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian 

-Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as 
 Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy 

-The commercial tie-in appearance of 
 Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut. 
================================================
[from Dickibus on REHU]

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food
establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's
available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING  UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would
be  "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOURKNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.
================================================
[from Nancy Carson via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List, and 
"Wit & Wisdom"]

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to burgle
the safe in a store.  On the safe door he was very pleased to find a
note reading:  "Please don't use dynamite.  The safe is not locked.
Just turn the knob."

He did so.  Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.  As the
police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning:  "My
confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."  
================================================
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0406 ]

New Net Crisis 
for release April 1, 1997 
Special advisory to e-citizens: 

President William Jefferson Clinton and Vice President Al "Macarena"
Gore jointly announced that a major crisis has arisen on the
Internet. The National Bureau of Standards and the Federal Reserve
Board have calculated that all jokes and parodies that can be
developed, have already been released, and there is no more new humor
available for Internet circulation. 

Bill Gates, 2nd most powerful American, announced that Microsoft
would be recirculating all old jokes from their corporate repository.
"We had intended to issue this as a 'Microhumor' CD, Mr. Gates
announced, but in view of this national crisis, we are recirculating
these old chestnuts in the hope that they will amuse once again.
Microsoft will ensure that each joke is rated according to age
suitability. 

President Clinton praised the generosity of Mr. Gates and said that
"decent Americans everywhere will pray silently that new humor can
be developed soon, and spread over the Net. In the meantime, as we
have always done in time of crisis, the Federal government will work
diligently to avoid a humor gap." 

Long time Senator Strom Thurmond asked, "What's the Internet, son?" 
================================================
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0309 ]

MURPHY'S  LAWS  OF  COMPUTING 
============================= 

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 

When you get to the point where you really 
understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 

The first place to look for information is in the 
section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 

When the going gets tough, upgrade. 

For every upgrade, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to 
have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 

To err is human . . . to blame your computer 
for your mistakes is even more human. 

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 

A computer program will always do what you tell 
it to do, but rarely what you want to do. 

He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 
================================================
[from http://www.thegrid.net/elmonaz/humor/1997/0413 ]

You know you're watching too much Star Wars when... 


* Talk you like this, even when at work are you. 

* If someone offered you a job as a Storm Trooper, 
  you'd take it. 

* You commission John Williams to write theme music 
  for each family member. 

* On your car: "Palpatine/Vader: Campaign 2000". 

* Your children are named Wedge, Biggs, and Porkins. 

* You begin to think those Ewoks are kind of cute. 

* You have a bad feeling about this... 
================================================
[from Mike Harshbarger, via HAND!]

                             TOOLS

HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
  nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
  car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of
  cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
  particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
  tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:  Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
  in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
  drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just
  above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
  board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked,
  unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
  its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is
  available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
  the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
  garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth
  socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because
  you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter
  you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER:  See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:  Once used for working on older British cars and
  motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old
  Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good
  reason.

DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
  flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
  chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
  the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
  somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also
  removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
  about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
  after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
  springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:  Used for levering a car upward
  off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS:  A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE:  Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
  another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:  Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
  for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
  your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:  A tool that snaps off in bolt
  holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT:  A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
  buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:  A handy tool for testing the
  tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines
  you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:  A large motor mount prying
  tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
  the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:  A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
  acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
  determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
  thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:  See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:  The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called
  a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
  vitamin" which is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health
  benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
  at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
  during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More
  often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
  paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
  used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR:  A machine that takes energy produced in a
  coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
  compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
  impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
  40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them
  off.
================================================
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                         Are you a Neanderthal?


1.  Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  +5

2.  Can you lock your knees in an upright position? -5

3.  Got a chin?  If the answer is no, +3

4.  How about a forehead?  If not, +3

5.  Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  +5

6.  Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? +10

7.  Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than
sitting in a chair?  +5

8.  Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, +1 for
every five degrees of slope.

9.  Less than five feet tall?  +1 for every inch under.

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, +1 for every
inch of difference.

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

12. Pigeon-toed?  +5

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? 
You're normal--no points.

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough
to hold an apple?  +5

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion?  +15

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?
+10

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an
overcoat? +5

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"?  +3

Scoring

0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien.  Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will
occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will
notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world,
but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you
away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant.  You should
consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; 
there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is
recommended.
================================================
[From C.J. Schaffer, via UGA Humor List]

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...
By Dave Fuller

Picard:        Sigma Indri, that's the star,
                      So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data:           Our ship can get there very fast
                      But still the trip will last and last
                      We'll have two days til we arrive
                      But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:        LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge:    But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard:        Offline! But why? I want to go!
                      Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker:          But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
                      We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
                      The danger here is far too great!

Picard:        But surely we must not be late!

Troi:             I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer:   Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard:     The ship's on fire? How could this be?
                   Who lit the fire?

Riker:      Not me.

Worf:       Not me.

Picard:    Computer, how long til we die?

Computer:   Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data:       May I suggest a course to take?
                 We could, I think, quite safely make
                 Extinguishers from tractor beams
                 And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi:     Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
                    Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard:     Mr. Data, thank you much.
                   You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi:     We still must save the Indran planet --

Data:       Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard:     Enough, you android. Please desist.
                   We understand -- we get your gist.
                   But can we get our ship to go?
                   Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi:     There's sabotage among the wires
                    And that's what started all the fires.

Riker:      We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
                 We need to go! We need to go!

Troi:       We must seek out the traitor spy
               And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf:       Ask him why? How sentimental.
                I say give him problems dental.

Troi:       Are any Romulan ships around?
                Have scanners said that they've been found?
               Or is it Borg or some new threat
               We haven't even heard of yet?
               I sense no malice in this crew.
               Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher:    Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
                    They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
                     I can't just sit and let them die!
                    A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard:     Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher:    They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf:       The saboteur is in the brig.
                 He's very strong and very big.
                 I had my phaser set on stun --
                 A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
                 He would not budge, he would not fall,
                 He would not stun, no, not at all!
                 He changed into a stranger form
                 All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard:     Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
                   Did you see this creature morph?

Worf:       I did and then I beat him fairly.
                 Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker:      My commendations, Klingon friend!
                 Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher:   Now let's get our ship to fly
                   And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard:     LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi:     Yes, sir, we can.

Picard:     Then make it so!
================================================
[from http://www2.hmc.edu/~dgibson/math.html ]

                 THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS
                            IN THE
                     HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS

  In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that....

  1) Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."

  2) Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his
     daughter "Tootsie."

  3) William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his
     friends.

  4) The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."

  5) Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."

  6) Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."

  7) There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine,
     and if there was, the motto of their mathematics
     department would not be "Secant ye shall find."

  8) Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow
     that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.

  9) Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have
     to sphere is sphere itself."

10) Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that
    is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa
    ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
    iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

11) It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and
    opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could
    only see one side to every question.

12) It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle
    in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the
    other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that
    his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that
    after his lecture the first three questions he was asked
    were "What is elliptical?" What is an orbit?" and "What
    is a planet?

13) It is true that primitive societies use only rough
    approximations for the known constants of mathematics.
    For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the
    ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to
    be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called
    Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is
    dependent upon government assistance, which is not always
    forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and
    Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government
    at half-price, and the government passed them onto the
    northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples:
    "He who has a Tait's is lost."
================================================
[from http://www.mackido.com/Humor/gatesnasa.html ]

Top Ten Ways Things Would Be Different...

If Bill Gates Ran NASA

10) "We come in peace" replaced by "We come to make money."

9) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." (Oh,
I'm sorry, that's the Borg slogan.)

8) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

7) Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." Mission Control: "Please
hold for Tech Support, and have your credit card number ready."

6) Hubble Space Telescope flaw described as "a feature, not a bug";
astronomers told to squint.

5) U.S. actually second to land men on the moon; had to wait for
somebody else to do it first so we could copy them.

4) General public still believes NASA was first thanks to superior
marketing.

3) Mars Pathfinder misses planet due to Pentium FDIV bug.

2) Instead of actually building the International Space Station, NASA
just buys the Russian space program and renames Mir.

And the number one way things would be different if Bill Gates ran
NASA...

1) After buying Mir and upgrading its systems with NASAsoft Windows
95, the on-board computer crashes twice as often.
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

                        U.S. Regional Differences
                        -------------------------

    NEW ENGLANDERS:
    *       Resharpen their disposable razors.
    *       Consider credit cards "tools of the devil."
    *       Refuse to buy paper clips without a 90 day warranty.
    *       Call their parents, "Mr.____" and "Mrs.___."
    *       Regard second generation Americans as immigrants.
    *       Believe the decline in morality began with the phasing
            out of suspenders.

       New Yorkers:
    *       Organize vigilante groups to patrol inside their
    apartments. 
    *       Greet their party guests only after they've
    passed through a metal detector.
    *       Freebase soot.
    *       Frisk their children.
    *       Yell, "Hurry Up!" during funeral eulogies.
    *       Check to see if their wallets are still there while
    attending religious services.
    *       Eat their young.

    MIDWESTERNERS:
    *       Polka in discos.
    *       Polka in weddings.
    *       Entertain visitors with home videos of their garage sales.
    *       Own "His" and "Hers" manure spreaders. 
    *       Snore with a twang. 
    *       Hang out the American Flag on William McKinley's
    birthday. 
    *       Regard K-Mart as a designer label.

    SOUTHERNERS:
    *       Would like to vaccinate visiting Northerners.
    *       Learn "Possum Cuisine" in High School Home Economics
    classes. 
    *      Share the chewing tobacco on their honeymoons. 
    *      Bury their hound dogs in Confederate Flag shrouds. 
    *      Soak their dentures overnight in glasses of Jack 
Daniels.     
    *      Carry on feuds over swamp rights. 
    *      Regional delicacy: Barbecued Spam. 
    *      Regard Goodwill as a designer label. 
    *      Don't know the meaning of surrender; can't spell it 
either.

       West Virginians:
    *       Consider Spam a miracle food.
    *       Pets ARE family members.
    *       Family trees rarely fork.
    *       If a couple gets divorced, they are still siblings.
    *       High school proms provided babysitters.
    *       Weed-eaters are used indoors.
    *       Jack Daniels is considered a saint.
    *       Beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

       Floridians:
    *    State law requires left turn signal be on while driving. 
    *    Federal law requires citizens over 65 move to Miami 
Beach.     
    *    Bathing suit must be worn under street clothes. 
    *    Residents must show "Gold Plus Plan" ID to enter state. 
    *    Car phone:  mandatory vehicle accessory. 
    *    Car FAX machine: recommended  vehicle accessory. 
    *    VCRs with flashing "12:00" are considered legal. 
    *    Pet alligators are required home security. 
    *    Large snakes are considered appropriate child control. 
    *    Illnesses costing less than $100,000 require home remedy. 
    *    Hurricanes: Nature's way of taking out the trash.

    SOUTHWESTERNERS:
    *       Close schools for Apache holidays.
    *       Train lizards to handle minor household chores.
    *       Hold Tupperware parties in abandoned cliff dwellings. 
    *       Name their children after obscure igneous rocks. 
    *       Rate a man by the horsepower of his pickup truck.

       Texans:
    *       Believe that owning more than two 747's is pretentious. 
    *       Refer to anyone less than six feet four as, "Shorty." 
    *       Protect their ranches with MX missiles. 
    *       Have unlisted area codes. 
    *       Rent Oklahoma for picnics and family gatherings. 
    *       Refuse to recognize the existence of Alaska.

       Nevadans:
    *       Propose double or nothing bets during IRS audits.
    *       Get rid of children they feel are unlucky.
    *       Offer "Black Jack Card Counting" as a high school
    elective. 
    *       Take odds on total highway deaths on major
    holidays. 
    *       Take out medical insurance to cover "Slot
    Machine Elbow." 
    *       Fast on Jimmy-The-Greek's birthday.

       Californians:
    *       Apply Grecian Formula to their aging poodles.
    *       Freeze-dry cocaine.
    *       Consider it trendy to jog during earthquakes.
    *       Lame' their frisbees.
    *       Cast horoscopes for their cars.
    *       Honor their dead with designer tombstones.
    *       Consider earthquakes, exercise.
    *       Do not recognize the existence of the other 49 states.

       LAites:
    *       Enforce the shooting and non-shooting freeway lanes.
    *       If it's further than 100', drive.
    *       No fear of chemical attacks; chemicals are allergic to
    smog. 
    *       Rate a person by amount owed on their vehicle. 
    *       Consider their pets, family members. 
    *       Regard sand as a part of religious ritual. 
    *       Earthquakes: For the movers & shakers. 
    *       Consider mudslides in-house entertainment.
================================================
[first part is from "Kitty's Daily Mews"]

-  Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
-  Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
-  Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
-  Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
-  Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
-  Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
-  Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
-  Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
-  Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
-  Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
-  Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
-  Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
-  Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
-  Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
-  Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
-  Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
-  Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
-  Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
-  Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
-  Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
-  Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
-  Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips. 
-  Old hippies never die, they just smell that way. 
-  Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot. 
-  Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe. 
-  Old investors never die, they just roll over. 
-  Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed. 
-  Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their 
metal coils. 
-  Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent. 
-  Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. 
-  Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under. 
-  Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate. 
-  Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey. 
-  Old musicians never die, they just get played out. 
-  Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime. 
-  Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed. 
-  Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot. 
-  Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces. 
-  Old photographers never die, they just stop developing. 
-  Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane. 
-  Old policemen never die, they just cop out. 
-  Old printers never die, they're just not the type. 
-  Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 
-  Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse. 
-  Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away. 
-  Old schools never die, they just lose their principals. 
-  Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles. 
-  Old seers never die, they just lose their vision. 
-  Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away. 
-  Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings. 
-  Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy. 
-  Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do. 
-  Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper. 
-  Old students never die, they just get degraded. 
-  Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding. 
-  Old teachers never die, they just lose their class. 
-  Old typists never die, they just lose their justification. 
-  Walt Disney didn't die.  He's in suspended animation. 
-  Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged. 
-  Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics,
but their future is doubtful.

[from John Berggren on REHU]

Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and
on....

[from Susan P. on REHU]

Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
================================================
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THINK!

Why do modem manufacturers have online technical assistance?

Himenator <phimes@ALOHA.INTEL.COM>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SERVICE CALL NOT INCLUDED

You've probably heard about the Mars Pathfinder probe.  Once it lands
on the Red Planet, Pathfinder will release the Sojourner Rover, a
little laboratory on wheels.  Sojourner will cruise about the Martian
surface performing experiments.  It turns out that Sojourner and
Pathfinder will communicate using two standard, off-the-shelf 9600
baud radio modems.

According to Jet Propulsion Laboratory program manager Donna Shirley,
the modem manufacturer warned JPL that sending the modem to Mars would
void the warranty.

>From amsat-bb Mail List
Peter A. Klein <pklein@seattleu.edu> [rec.humor.funny]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MODEM MYSTICS

Dear Dr. Science,

I seem to habitually have a great deal of difficulty sending and
receiving e-mail.  Sometimes the web browser will work just fine, but
the e-mail program won't.  Sometimes my computer will log off only
seconds after I've logged on.  What's going on?

                                       -- Oak O'Conner, Santa Monica,
                                       CA

If you were a better person, none of this would be happening.  Truly
good people never experience any kind of computer problems, much less
e-mail log jams.  They say that certain mystics can send e-mail
without a computer.  They just think a thought and it zips across the
internet like nobody's business.  Researchers think their modems are
highly developed parts of their medullas, using a microwave interface
located just behind the nose.  Every time they sneeze, the internet
freezes up for a few seconds.  Fortunately, these mystics are few and
far between. Hope I've answered your question.

Subscription questions -- send a blank message to faq@drscience.com.
Visit the Ask Dr. Science web site at <http://www.drscience.com>
sponsored by the fine folks at Internet Direct.  All Dr. Science
material Copyright 1997 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre.  All rights
reserved.
================================================
[forwarded by the Divine Ms M on REHU]

Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers 

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I
keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money
I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one
seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica
is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they
get try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with
telling about your problems. 

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to
spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask
them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary. 

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a
second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what
are you wearing?" 

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?"
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the
most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" 

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how
about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" 

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!!
Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer:
"Uh, Dallas, Texas."  You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against
selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." 

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer,
set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang
up. 

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you
their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not
allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most
effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person
says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya!
Now you know how I feel" smiling of course... 
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in a rented
car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and
scratches at the windshield, hissing his ugliness!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun driving, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the
abomination," shouts the passenger.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and
hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first driver.

"Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water in
the Vatican before we left there earlier!" says the passenger.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first driver, exasperated and terrified at
this point.

"Show him your cross!" says the second.

So the driver rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING
HOOD, YOU MONSTER!!"
================================================
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was
at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend
"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home
early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the
window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of
us!" So the boyfrind grabs his clothes and and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon"
so he started running along beside the others only he was still in
the nude, carrying  his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He
answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the
air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying
your clothes on your arm?"

The nuddy answered breathessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining."
================================================
[all from "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"]

ARNOLD'S LAWS OF DOCUMENTATION

 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two
laws.

David A. Rinke II <drinkeii@erie.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
OWNER'S MANUAL

I just bought a new motherboard and found this in the owner's manual:

Turbo Switch:  there is no turbo switch. People who buy multiprocessor
PentiumPro boards don't *want* to go slow.

Bill Davidsen <davidsen@tmr.com> [rec.humor.funny]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
WARNINGS FROM THE MANUAL FOR LAYER EXPRESS v2 (an AutoCAD extension)

Written on Page 12 (Blank page separating Ch. 1 & 2):
    To reduce the risk of shock,
    Do not remove the cover of this book.
    No serviceable components inside.

Written on Page 44 (Blank page separating Ch. 3 & 4):
    This page unintentionally left blank.

Written on Page 70 (Blank page separating Ch. 4 & 5):
    Under penalty of law
    This page not to be removed
    Except by consumer

Written on Page 88 (Blank page, last page in book):
    To reduce risk of injury or death:
      1. Do not read while bathing.
      2. Do not place or store where book can fall
         or be pulled into tub, toilet or sink.
      3. If book falls into water, stop reading
         immediately.  Do not reach into water.

Marilyn Zornado <mzornado@Vinton.COM>
<garren@mail.teleport.com>
<joev@archtop.com>
Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SILLY COMPUTER BOOK NAMES

No Information Highway (No Highway by Nevil Shute)

Stranger From a Strange LAN (Stranger From a Strange Land by Robert
Heinlein)

The Mouse of Several Cables (The House of Seven Gables by Nathanial
Hawthorne)

The Profit by Bill Gates (The Prophet by Kahil Gilbran)

The Hacker of Casterbridge (The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy)

Call of the Wild Web (Call of the Wild by Jack London)

E-Zine (O-Zone by Paul Theroux)

Keith Sullivan
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SILLY COMPUTER BOOK NAMES
Collected by Mike Avery

1001 Arabian Bytes
20 000 PCs Under the Sea
50 WAIS to Prepare Hamburger
A Call to RAMs
A Christmas Cartridge
A Farewell to Read/Write Arms
A Midsummer Nights D-ram
A Tale of Two CDs
Aesop's Folders
Alice in Cyberland
All Quiet on the Western Font
Around the Web in 90 Days
Backslash (Very PC if not classical)
Brave New World Wide Web
Cache-22
Cacher in the Rye
Call of the Filed
Charlotte's Web-site
Comedy of Error Mistakes
Debbie DOS Dallas (adults only)
Disc Carlet Letter
Disk Doctor Zhivago
Disk Wittington and his Cache
DOS Kapital
Dot Matrix and the Kangaroo
Email and the Night Visitors
Fall of the Mouse of User
Finigan's Window
Fortran of Green Gables
Gates of Wrath
Gone With the Windows
Green Eggs and RAM
Huckleberry Find
HuckleQWERTY Finn
I Ping
James and the Giant PC
Jane Error
Johnny Domaine
Lady Chat's Lover
Lady Chatterley's Laser
Last of the MacIcons
Little Mouse on the Prairie
Lord Of the Files
Lord of the Pings
Moby Disk
Moll Finders
Motherboard Goose
Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Bin (Hex)
Netscape from Alcatraz
Newswatcher in the Rye
Of Mouse and Man
Old Man and the C-Drive
One Flew Over the Internet
Pride and Prejudisk
Ramlet
ROMulus and RAMus
Silas Monitor
The Byte of the Ancient Mariner
The Cache of Monte Cristo
The Clone Angel (The PC-Clone Angel)
The Fax and the Grapes
The Golden Notebook
The Lion
The Old Man and the C:\
The Pit and the Pentium
The Scarlet Font
The Three Little Gigs
The URLing
The Windows of our Discontent
The Wizard of OS
Uncle Tom's Cache
WANS Upon a Time
War and PC
Watership Download
Windows of Confusion
Wuthering Bytes
Zorba the Geek

Mike Avery <mavery@pernet.net>
Infinite Joke List <jokes@infinite.ihub.com>
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser@mail.otherwhen.com
and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" or "UNSUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the
message body. Send contributions to KSullivan@worldnet.att.net
================================================
[forwarded by Maria Rocco]

COWS & GOVERNMENT

FEUDALISM : You have two cows.  Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM : You have two cows.  The government takes them and
puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.  You have to take care
of all the cows.  The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM : You have two cows.  The government takes
them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are
cared for by ex-chicken farmers.  You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government
gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you
should need.

FASCISM : You have two cows.  The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM : You have two cows.  Your neighbors help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM : You have two cows.  You have to take care of
them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP : You have two cows.  The government takes both and
shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY : You have two cows.  The government fines you
for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM : You have two cows.  The government takes both of them
and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY : You have two cows.  Your neighbors decide who gets
the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY : You have two cows.  Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY : The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it.  After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures.  The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY : You have two cows.  You feed them sheeps' brains
and they go mad.  The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY : You have two cows.  At first the government  regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it asks you to fill out
forms to account for the missing cow.

ANARCHY : You have two cows.  Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM : You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM : You have two cows.  You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax deduction for keeping five cows.  The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to
all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report
says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM : You have two cows.  The government bans you from
milking or killing them.

TOTALITARIANISM : You have two cows.  The government takes them and
denies they ever existed.  Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS : You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering,
intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to
society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE : Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. 
You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM : You have two giraffes.  The government forces you to
take harmonica lessons. 
================================================
[forwarded by Marsha on REHU]

You know that Stanford isn't going to be a good place to be any more
now that Chelsea Clinton has arrived when ... 

Your mother asks you on the phone whether you have to wait to get in
the bathroom in the girls' dorm and a voice comes on the line and
says, "That's classified information, ma'am..." 

All the liquor parties in a 2-mile radius are spotted by spy
satellite and shut down "to keep Chelsea from falling into bad
habits" 

You think the women's dorm looked better without the tank traps and
barbed wire. 

In a moment of absent-mindedness you ask your roommate if he's ever
played "Dorm Assassin", and spend the next 13 hours under drugs and
hypnosis asking some fellow with a Chinese accent to please repeat
the question. 

Six people have committed suicide this term and all of them did
better than Chelsea on the midterm. 

The SS has a special far-infrared camera that can see through
clothing. [they really DO...]  Hillary has your picture on her door 
next to a whole bunch of other guys, and you're in the "shorter than 
average" section. 

You tear down aforementioned picture and get prosecuted for stealing
classified documents.  

The Liberal Media trashes you: surely you could have found some more
polite way to express your dissatisfaction.  

80% of the population agrees that a prison term would do much to
restore old-fashioned politeness - surveys say. 

You go home and tell your relatives you failed all your classes last
semester.  They ask you if you ever got a chance to talk to Chelsea.

Reporters from the National Enquirer call everyone in the dorm at 3
a.m. to offer them money if they can say whether Chelsea has ever
seen Daddy's "Distinguishing Marks" 

As an Arab student, you have to allow 2 extra hours each day for
security checks. 

At the lab, you find that every bottle, tube, and flask has been
opened and sampled for chemical and bio-warfare agents.  

You come home and see the same has been done to all the stuff you'd
left in the refrigerator ... and the results are inconclusive. 

You get a notice in the mail that for security reasons, insecticide
spraying has been discontinued. Now agents will come to your dorm to
catch the roaches by hand and disassemble them to look for bugs. 

So, you were drunk. You should NOT have tried to ask Chelsea on a
date, even jokingly. But did they have to expel you for lese majeste?

You're running for the 5 yard line when everyone has to get off the
field to let the helicopter land. 

Palestinian terrorists blow up Chelsea's car. Unfortunately, it was
next to yours, and her auto insurance doesn't cover explosives.
Worse, she wasn't in it. 

All the women want to copy Chelsea's newest fashion. The stores
nearby never carry more than a few of that item. And your girlfriend
wants you to go with her every time she goes to look... 

You come back from spring break to find your dorm room broken into
and occupied by paparazzi. 

Your prof looks pale and shaken after Chelsea gets a C. He decides to
retire to spend more time with his family.  His replacement goes v e
r y s l o w l y. 

The campus computing center proudly announces it will be the first in
the country to implement mandatory key escrow... 

William Clinton comes to the university to deliver an address several
times in a year.  And your political science prof insists that you go
and compose commentaries on his scintillating prose. 

Your work-study aid requires you to spend 4 hours a day calling
businessmen asking for donations... 

All the food in the campus cafeterias is now autoclaved during
preparation, and tastes like it. 

The campus immunization department promulgates new regulations for
anthrax and ebola immunization, and whatever is in those shots makes
you feel like voting Democrat. 
================================================
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love, and devoted to one
another are separated by a river with no way of getting across to the
other side.  On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is
able to take her over to the other side of the river but refuses to do
so unless she pays him a price of $20, twice his normal fare.

L has no money.  Another man (S) then tells L that he will giver her
$20 if she sleeps with him.  L agrees to do so and on receiving the
$20, pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river.  She is
reunited with M and they are very happy together.

However, a friend of M (F) finds out what L did with S and immediately
tells M.  On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her,
stating that he wants nothing more to do with her.  Your task is to
rank these five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best to worst.  i.e.
best person to worst person.

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

Don't read any further until you've finished the 1-5.  If you do,
you'll
 miss the whole point.  When you do finish, scroll down and read on. -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -

 -
The order which you've ranked the five people is supposed to represent
the importance that you place on different things in your life.  1
being the most important, and 5 being the least. The letters stand
for:

M-morality
S-sex
L-love
B-business
F-friends
================================================
[forwarded by Michael Cornelius, via UGA Humor List]

The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station, by A.N.
Onymous.

1. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of
the cancellation of your life insurance policy..."

2. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're
talking about, Comrade Dave."

3. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious
consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile
High" club.

4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.

5. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.

6. Mission Control asks if you can "beam down immediately."

7. Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as "Spam in a
can."

8. No more Stoli.

9. That's one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the
starboard side.

10. The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on
all Mir Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms.

11. The Soviets announce the space station has a mild cold.

12. The Super Glue is gone and you're down to one roll of duct tape.

13. They've already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in "Apollo 13, Part
II."

14. You and your comrades realize those weren't "spare" oxygen
generator parts you made the still out of.

15. You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your
stuff.

16. You translate a Russian message which reads "Jettison the
American."
================================================
[forwarded by Tricia, on REHU]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts
along the way, They soon filled  their small pails and started to fill
their pockets and shirts, When they could hold no more nuts they
started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One
of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and
divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their
pockets and buckets dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the
process two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys
then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you.  One for me. One
for you. One for me"

As they were doing this a passerby happened to hear them. He looked
into the cemetery but could not see the boys as they were obscured by
the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father, Father," he yelled as he entered his house. '"The cemetery.
Come quick!!!" "Whats the matter?" the father asked? "No time to
explain." the boy frantically  panted. "Follow me!!!"

The boy and the father ran up the country road and  stopped when they
reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road, and all
fell silent for a few moments, Then the father asked his son what was
wrong.

Do you hear that? he whispered. Both people listened intently and
heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me One for you."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the
souls!!" The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments
later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said
to the other...

"Now as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road we'll have
them all." 
================================================
[forwarded by Pastor John Knierim on REHU.  The very last part was 
missing - have YOU seen it?? Please send it to me!!!] 

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN THE WEB

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV
channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a
"Not Found 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV. Even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under
Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the
Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and
Doritos in the other.


            TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE WEB IS BETTER THAN TV

10. On TV, there are only 53 channels with nothing worth watching.
The Web has thousands.

9. On the Web, you're always master of the remote control.

8. What would you rather do: configure a browser or program a VCR?

7. "We will be right back after these important messages."

6. The Web has no laugh track.

5. Modem dial tones are less grating than the theme song to
"Friends."

4. Ever heard of the Jerry Lewis Webathon?

3. On the Web, you miss nothing during a bathroom break.

[#2 and #1 are missing - if you know what they are, TELL me!]
================================================
[forwarded by Greg on Rehu.  Still trying to decide whether it's 
FUNNY or not...]

"I was hungry, and you formed a committee and discussed my hunger,
thank you."

"I was naked, and in your mind you debated the morality of my
appearance, thank you."

"I was sick, and you knelt and thanked God for your own health,
thank you."

"I was homeless, and you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of
the love of the love of God, thank you."

"I was lonely, and you left me alone to pray for me, thank you."

"You seem so holy, so close to God."

"But I'm still very hungry, and lonely, and cold."

Jesus:  "If you do it unto the least of these my brethren, you do it
unto me."

================================================
[from "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"]

G.C.Blair wrote:

> I dunno what the big deal is with computers maybe not comprehending
> the changeover from 1999 to 2000.  Was it a problem in 1899???

Probably...

I never heard of any computer that was still working in 1900.

Les Sanders <leslie@logicworld.com.au> [rec.humor]
Chris <cdoherty@scott.skidmore.edu> [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YEAR 2000 URGENCY NOT NEEDED?

Friar Tuck <ftuck@flatland.dimensional.com> wrote:

> I'm working on year 2000 program corrections, and I just thought of
> a troublesome question.
>
> *Technically* speaking, the 3rd millennium does not start until
> January 1, 2001.  The last year of the 20th century is 2000, not
> 1999.
>
> Doesn't that mean we have an extra year to fix this?  Maybe we
> don't need to hurry quite so much.

Someone left the door open and let a manager in by mistake ...

William B. Blakemore <wbblakemore@pobox.com> [comp.software.year-2000]
Hans Derycke [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YEAR 2000 PROBLEM HITS CREDIT CARD ISSUERS
>From Edupage...

Here's a new wrinkle on the Year 2000 problem -- credit card companies
have discovered that the cards with a 2000 expiration date are being
rejected by thousands of point-of-sale terminals located across the
country.  First USA has already recalled all cards with the
troublesome date and MasterCard International is asking member banks
not to issue cards with an expiration date later than 1999.  Hypercom
Inc. and Verifone Inc., the largest manufacturers of debit terminals,
have launched a program to help retailers upgrade their terminals, but
a Verifone consultant says many companies may find it easier to just
buy new machines.  (St. Petersburg Times 7 Apr 97)

Heath M Rezabek <hrezabek@fiat.gslis.utexas.edu>
Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
YEAR 2000 WOES DON'T AFFECT JAVA UNTIL A.D. 292271023

[5/13/97]

Sun Microsystems Inc. today acknowledged the Year 292 Million Bug in
the Java computer language, which could cause problems for Social
Security recipients and millions of other computer-dependent users in
292271023 A.D.

Dr. James Gosling, the inventor of Java, divulged the problem and
hastened to add that a team of specialists is now at work attempting
to solve the problem sometime within the next 292,271 millennia.

"We can't be certain Java will be around that long," said Gosling,
inventor of Java.  "But then again, we can't take any chances.  Two
hundred and ninety two million-plus years may seem like a long time
for a species.  But relatively speaking, in astronomical terms, it's
nothing."  Added Gosling, "I don't mean to brag, but Java is taking on
a life of its own.  We do see it as the computing platform of the 21st
century and well beyond."

For more information contact Lisa Poulson at lisa.poulson@eng.sun.com
or 408-343-1630.

http://java.sun.com/pr/1997/may/spotnews/sn970513.html
Neil Groundwater <neil.groundwater@Central.Sun.COM>
Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
================================================
[forwarded by Dave Wrigley, on REHU]

GUIDE TO CALORIE BURNING:

Giving it your all.....800
Beating around the bush.....50
Dishing  up the dirt.....10
Slinging the mud.....10
Jumping to conclusions.....40
Climbing the walls.....150
Grabbing the bull by the horns.....250
Jumping for joy.....200
Living in the past.....25
Planning for the future.....75
Whistling a happy tune.....90
Swallowing your pride.....500
Passing the buck.....25
Sweating it out.....60
Throwing your weight around.....80
Pushing your luck.....75
Dusting out the cobwebs.....75
Making mountains out of molehills.....100
Hitting the nail on the head.....400
Wading through paperwork.....300
Bending over backwards.....450
Jumping on the bandwagon.....600
Eating Crow.....225
Tooting your own horn.....25
Climbing the ladder of success....500
Pulling out the stops.....200
Just farting around.....25
Tightening your belt.....90
Dragging your heels.....50
Sticking to your guns.....175
Adding fuel to the fire.....150
Giving your 2 cents worth.....100
Accentuating the positive.....175
Eliminating the negative....200
Hanging on to the affirmative.....225
Making past judgements.....25
Telling it like it is.....100
Smiling in spite of it all.....150
Decking the halls.....100
Getting around to it.....150
Giving a helping hand.....400
Sticking to the job.....300
Giving a pat on the back.....200
Tearing out your hair.....50
Running around in circles.....100
Meeting yourself coming and going....200
Doing what comes naturally.....150
Driving someone crazy.....10
Starring into space.....75
Biting off more than you can chew.....50
Scratching the surface.....30
Laughing all the way to the bank.....200
Diving in headfirst.....125
Rolling up your sleeves.....50
Singing the praises of others.....225
Chewing the fat.....75
Talking to the walls.....40
Whipping a dead horse.....25
Horsing around.....30
Leading a horse to water and making him drink.....50
Getting back on your horse and riding.....100
Cooking up a storm.....100
Straddling the fence.....75
Riding on someone's  coat tails.....80
Hanging on for dear life.....300
Laughing 'til your sides ache.....125
Crying your heart out.....60
Dancing in the dark.....50
Breaking someone's heart.....20
Shooting at the moon.....50
Aiming for the stars.....300
Wrapping it all up.....100
================================================
[from George Gregory]

The Star Spangled Banner (From a Drummer's Perspective)

Oh, say can you Boom, Crash
By the dawn's early Boom, Crash
What so proudly we Boom, Crash
At the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright Boom, Crash
Through the perilous Boom, Crash
O'er the ramparts we Boom, Crash
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &

1...2...3...
2...2...3...
3...2...3...
4...2...3...
5...2...3...
6...2...3...
7...2...3...
8...2...Oh,

Boom, Boom, Boom
Boom, Boom, Boom
Boom, Boom, Boom
Boom, Booommmm; o'er the
Boom, Boom, Boomboom
Booommmm; and the
Boom, of Boom
Booooooooommmmmmmmmm!
================================================
