10/22/97

[from CathyinTX, via HAND!]

                     Are You A Flamer?

 Since no one admits to being a flamer, and it's always the other guy,
 this quiz will help you determine if you are, in fact, the other guy.

 1. You read a message that contains information you believe to
 be erroneous.  You:

 a) sigh and go on.
 b) reply with a query that elicits more information.
 c) draft an angry response in your mind.
 d) post that angry response NOW.

 2. Have you ever posted a message with any of the following
 phrases: "You (descriptive adjective or pejorative noun)" or
 "You obviously don't understand/know/appreciate ..."?

 a) Never.
 b) Sometimes.
 c) Often.
 d) It's in my signature file.

 3. Your postings ...

 a) what postings? I'm a lurker.
 b) ask what I need to know.
 c) answer questions when I'm sure of the answer.
 d) restate the replies of others, only better.

 4. Within the group or forum that you most often frequent,
 you are:

 a) less knowledgeable than most.
 b) about average.
 c) more knowledgeable, but I don't flaunt it.
 d) without me, the group would fall into an abyss of ignorance.

 5. Everyone else in the group is:

 a) encyclopedic and intimidating.
 b) just folks.
 c) in need of guidance.
 d) functionally incapable of understanding my simple,
    well-articulated points.

 6. Replies to your postings most often take the form of:

 a) sneering silence.
 b) reasonable discourse.
 c) multiple, angry diatribes.
 d) death threats.

 7. When first entering a new group, you:

 a) read all the threads in awe.
 b) read everything but hang back.
 c) engage in discourse where I feel comfortable.
 d) respond to as many messages as possible, so people know
    I've arrived.

 8. Online, you most enjoy:

 a) reading others' conversations.
 b) give and take.
 c) getting a rise out of people.
 d) really making the fur fly.

 9. The most important thing in an online group is:

 a) consensus.
 b) keeping threads on-topic and relevant.
 c) introducing new ideas and asides.
 d) hawking my product or service to a new, ripe audience.

 Score yourself one point for every "a," two for every "b,"
  three for each "c" and four for each "d."

 9-15 points: You're holding back.
 16-22 points: You're a team player, if a bit on the quiet side.
 23-29 points: You probably get on people's nerves occasionally.
 30+ points: Burn your keyboard before you inflict yourself on
      anyone else.
================================================
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

         The Top 16 Signs Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts


16. Claims "road rage" was his idea.

15. Touch his dashboard Jesus? Ride home in the trunk.

14. Makes you stop at every fire hydrant so he can urinate on it.

13. She conducts lane change practice in her Jacuzzi.

12. Conducts the first week's lessons in two chairs using imaginary
driving motions and engine sounds.

11. Insists on sitting in back seat & being called "Miss Daisy."

10. Keeps stopping in the middle of your lesson to deliver pizzas.

9. Fails you unless you can get the airbag to pop.

8. Instead of emergency brakes on his side of the car, he has a
passenger-side accelerator and a mini bar stocked with Wild Turkey and
Ho Ho's.

7. Has "P - R - D - 2 - 1" painted on his fly and keeps yelling,
"Shift!"

6. Has a working saw blade on the hood and mutters about "fixing Speed
Racer for good".

5. Immediately fails you because his Carmen Miranda-style hat doesn't
fit in your Escort.

4. Day One: "Chinese Fire Drills", "Basic Mooning Techniques" and
"Reloading a 9mm at 90 mph."

3. Always divides class into "shirts" and "skins."

2. he yells "England," you're supposed to start driving on the other
side of the road.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts...

1. Insists you turn off the headlights and "use the Force."
================================================
[forwarded by Tom Bombadil]

                   THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The
wife came down with a terrible headache and told her hubby to go to
the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed.  She told him there was no need for him to
miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened refreshed
and without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the
party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought
she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not around.  She joined the party and soon spotted her
husband's costume. He was cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a feel
here and taking a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive woman
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the
new "action". She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he
was her husband! Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her
ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a
little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went
home, and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind
of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what
he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you're not there." 

"Oh, really," she replied. Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance."

"Oh, really," she said again. "Then what did you do, honey?" she
asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible before letting him
have it.

"When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some of the other
guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll
tell you: the guy to whom I loaned my costume said he sure had one
hell of a time!" 
================================================
[forwarded by Brian]

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with
the name "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry".  He thought it seemed out of
place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. 
He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.

He asked the old man, "How in the world did this place get a name
like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

Old Man - "That's the name of the owner".

Young Man - "Who's the owner?"

Old Man - "I am."

Young Man - "How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

Old Man - "Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong,
I was standing in line at Immigration.  A man in front of me was a
big blond Swede.  The lady from Immigration asked him, "What is your
name?"

He say "Hans Olaffsen".  Lady ask me, "What is your name?"  I say Sam
Ting. 
================================================
[from Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

Winners in the essay competition for how people REALLY feel about
their computers.

Runner-up

My computer is like my girlfriend. There I am -- naive,
eager-to-please, pathetically attentive. There SHE sits --
unresponsive, enigmatic and coldly judgmental. I try juicing up our
evening with a tentative touch -- bing! A definite response, but that
warm glow is not aimed at making me welcome. Instead, she primly
reminds me to protect her from "viruses." I hide my indignation as I
grit my teeth.

Once I've convinced her that I've made all necessary precautions
against infection I get to work. But wait! Some thing's wrong. Are my
ham-handed strokes giving her the wrong idea? No. Have I forgotten to
back her up in a time of need? No. Does she want something inserted?
Absolutely NOT! And before I can make amends, she takes "exception" --
fatally.


Winner

Am I angry? Mad? Jaws tighter than a flea's navel stretched over a
rain barrel? I, my friend, am in the middle of installing hardware
with the manufacturer's directions.

It's not enough that the instructions were written by the Marquis de
Sade, translated from the French into Swahili, ported to Japanese,
thence to Aleut, and then translated by the monks into a variant of
English not seen since Chaucer. No, no, my friends. It is that the
author of the instructions never had to use them."
================================================
[from Funny Pages Mailing List]

REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST'S BALL

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply:  "I'll be there on the dot.  Can't stop now must dash."

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space
in his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
================================================
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

The Pandacerus, a history of genetic engineering

In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering
have become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of
genetic experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not
the Dr. Moreau immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but
the real Pierrre Moreau who actually attempted to form new species
from unrelated animals. Most of his experiments failed. Most of the
documents that survived deal with his attempts to cross a dog and a
cat, but none lived more than a few hours after birth. His studies
were ridiculed by the French Academy of Science and he died in
disgrace not realizing he was a hundred years before his time. 

He had only a single success, which occurred when he cloned the
chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China.
Only one of this new species, which he called a pandocerus survived
beyond infancy but with dilegence and care, one did grow to full
maturity. 

This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500
pounds. It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch
hollow cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated
through a canal with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the
elephant which uses its trunk to breathe, was primary used for
feeding. His daily supply of bamboo shoots and berries was placed in
the horn and with the use of a plunger-like devise invented by Dr.
Moreau, the beast could get its frequent feedings as it desired. 

It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This
made commercial production of pandoceri uneconomical, and the process
was never repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples. 

In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau
sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was
the premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from
pneumonia.Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an
opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus
de Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center
in all of Europe. 

Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world's only
pandacerus, there are few still alive that remember their trips to
the circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent
furry with the syringe on top. 
================================================
[from Tony, via HAND! - who mentions he has a friend who calls his 
deer tags California's most expensive camping permit.]

           Deer Hunting Schedule

         ***  The Deer Hunt  ***

   1:00 am      Alarm clock rings
   2:00 am      Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
   2:30 am      Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the
                pick-up 
   3:00 am      Leave home for deep woods 
   3:15 am      Drive back home and pick up gun 
   3:30 am      Drive like heck to get to the woods before daylight 
   4:00 am      Set up camp - Realize that you forgot the darn tent 
   4:30 am      Head out into woods 
   6:05 am      See eight (8) deer 
   6:06 am      Take aim and squeeze trigger
   6:07 am      "Click" 
   6:08 am      Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 
   8:00 am      Head back to camp 
   9:00 am      Still looking for camp
  10:00 am      Realize you don't know where the camp is
  -Noon-        Fire gun for help - eat some wild berries
  12:15 pm      Ran out of bullets - 8 deer come back
  12:20 pm      Strange feeling in stomach
  12:30 pm      Realize you ate poison berries
  12:45 pm      Rescued!!
  12:55 pm      Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped
   3:00 pm      Arrive back at camp
   3:30 pm      Leave camp to kill deer
   4:00 pm      Return to camp for bullets
   4:01 pm      Load gun - leave camp again
   5:00 pm      Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you
   6:00 pm      Arrive at camp.  See deer grazing in camp.
   6:01 pm      Load Gun
   6:02 pm      Fire gun
   6:03 pm      One Dead Truck
   6:05 pm      Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer!
   6:06 pm      Supress strong desire to shoot partner
   6:07 pm      In doing so, stumble and fall into fire
   6:10 pm      Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire
   6:15 pm      Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in woods 
   6:25 pm      Pick-up boils over - discover bullet hole in 
                radiator    
   6:26 pm      Start walking 
   6:30 pm      Started crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 
   6:35 pm      Meet great big Bear! 
   6:35 1/2 pm    Take aim 
   6:36 pm      Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.   
   6:36 1/2 pm  Lose all control of bodily functions. 
   6:37 pm      Climb tree 
   9:00 pm      Bear departing, wraps gun around the tree   
   9:03 pm      Feeling relieved that bear is gone 
   9:04 pm      Start   climbing down the tree 
   9:05 pm      Fall out of tree  
  -Midnight-    Home at last
  -Sunday-      Sitting in bed with cast on leg watching TV, slowly
         tearing hunting license into itty-bitty pieces, place into
         envelope, mail to the Game Warden with very clear
         instructions about what to do with it!!
================================================
[from Naomi, on REHU]

Top 10 Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95

by mike popovic <carpediem@locnet.com>

# 10: The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to
continue"

#9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.

#8: The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee
maker.

#7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA
#900#.

#6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's
computers to keep their system running.

#5: The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper
driver cannot be found"

#4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life
support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.

#3: The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of
the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.

#2: Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95....

#1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg
================================================
[from Jeramie Hicks & Marcus Meissner, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor 
& Weird List]

TOP 10 TRAITS OF THE PSEUDOSCIENTIST

Society is developing a new breed of "intellect":  the
pseudoscientist. Too lazy to do real work to research a topic, the
pseudoscientist is armed with a strong curiosity, an enlarged ego, and
a dose of authoritarian paranoia.  Combined with his patchwork access
to media-filtered science "facts" (if they can be called such after
the media is done processing them) and his desire for profit, the
pseudoscientist is likely to be tomorrow's new danger to the
preservation of knowledge.

YOU MIGHT BE A PSEUDOSCIENTIST IF:

1. You believe your subscription to Analog provides the necessary
background to argue with PhD scientists.

2. You think "real" science is mostly developed in garages or hobby
rooms.

3. You think scientists are inflexible to changing paradigms (using
one of pseudoscientists' favorite terms).  See definition of
"Science."

4. You think the government, big business, or traditional scientists
are in a conspiracy to prevent the pseudoscientists from showing the
"truth" to the rest of the world, motivated by such movies as "Chain
Reaction."

5. You think science is purely to start a business and make money.

6. You think it's cool to announce impossible-sounding claims to the
media without a peer review process (see #4 above), expository
discussion, or other legitimizing process.  You may believe the US
Patent Office is a legitimizing process, if they aren't in conspiracy
with #4 above.

7. You're aiming for the Einsteinian turn-science-upside-down
revolution of thought and universal understanding, based on your two
years of high school physics and a copy of Omni magazine.

8. You think highly suspicious behavior is actually the way people
protect themselves from intellectual theft.

9. Your ego is large enough to tell the world that its understanding
of the universe has always been wrong, and your fantastic,
undocumented, unverified, unrecorded, and unreproducable experiment
proves it.

10. Your college degree (if you have one) and your pseudoscientist
interests have absolutely nothing in common.  For instance, you may be
arguing about fusion with a PhD in nuclear physics (and inflating your
ego by doing so), while you only have a nursing degree.
================================================
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Anonymous Meetings


I was gonna go to Procrastinators Anonymous, but they keep delaying
having a meeting.

Then I wanted to try Paranoids Anonymous, but they wouldn't tell me
where the meetings were.

So I went to Ranters Anonymous, but i couldn't get a word in edgewise.

I went to Control Freaks Anonymous, but they wouldn't let me in the
room.

I went to Blacks & Whites together, but they said I was too gray.

I went to Anonymous Anonymous, but they wanted to know my name.
================================================
A hippie was sending a letter to a friend.  On the envelope, instead
of the usual "By Air Mail", he playfully wrote "Fly it, man!", and
got so carried away with this that he forgot to address the envelope.
Some days later, the envelope was returned to him by the post office,
bearing the official scrawl:  "Like where?" 
----- 
"Hey, man," said one hippie to another, "turn on the radio."  "Okay, 
man", said the second hippie, and, leaning over very close to the 
radio, he whispered:  "I love you." 
----- 
And did you hear about the hippie who starved to death rather than 
eat a square meal? 
+------------------------------+ 
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing 
farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.  After he was 
back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should 
think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't!" replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for the hole."
+------------------------------+ 
"I was reading in the paper this morning about a Texas man who was
struck by lightning while he was swearing.  Remarkable occurrence,
wasn't it?"

"Oh, I don't know.  If lightning was to strike a Texas man when he
wasn't swearing, it would be much more remarkable."
================================================
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                        WHY FIRE ENGINES ARE RED:
                           A Geometric Theory

Fire engines are red.
   Newspapers are read too.
Two times two makes four.
   Three times four makes twelve.
There are twelve inches in a foot.
   A foot is also a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ruler.
   Queen Mary was also a ship.
Ships sail on the ocean.
   Fish swim in the ocean.
Fish have fins.
   The Finnes fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
   Fire Engines are always a-rushin'...
THAT'S why fire engines are red!
================================================
[two from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

SIBLING SOLUTIONS

My four-year-old daughter had a cold on Halloween and was inconsolable
at having to stay indoors.  That is, until her ten-year-old brother
took her by the hand and led her upstairs.  He then went into each
bedroom and closed the door, and she knocked on each for a treat.  She
was all smiles when she came downstairs with a bag of candy.

Michele Klimek
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
PERFECT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

The Dick Morris Costume (go for the tricks, not the treats)

The Ross Perot Costume (preshrunk, looked better in '92)

The JFK Jr. costume (sorry, no longer available)

The Jack Kevorkian costume (it's to die for)

The Shannon Lucid costume (look good in the Mir)

The Joycelyn Elders costume (you'll need a hand to get it on)

The Heidi Fleiss costume (you have to call to reserve it)

The Kato Kaelin costume (rents for free)

The Mark Fuhrman costume (no lie, it's unbelievable)

The Johnnie Cochran costume (if it doesn't fit, well, you know the
rest)

The Dennis Rodman costume (zipper on the front, and back)

The Shaquille O'Neal costume (not selling too well, kinda lost its
Magic)

The Al Davis costume (includes luxury boxers)

The Jim Carrey costume (comes with "Mask")

The Kramer costume (when trick-or-treating, no need to ring doorbells,
just walk on in)

The cast of "Friends" costume (wear this and reject all candy except
$100,000 Bars)

Moe Finch <moe@ici.net>
================================================
[from  Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

WAKE UP AND *FIND* THE COFFEE
by Ian Shoales

Last week I went into a coffee house to get, you know, a cup of
coffee, only to be told that actual coffee was unavailable.  Would I
like a tasty cappuccino, cafe au lait, or espresso?  A double decaf
latte with one of those little Italian biscuits that tastes like
chalk?  They had those, but a steaming java, a plain ordinary cup of
joe?  No way.

This mutant coffee thing is getting out of hand.  It's even hard to
get a cuppa mud at the local convenience store.  It used to be simple:
 Get large paper container, put under urn tap, pour, attach
appropriate lid, pay and go.  Today convenience stores all have an
Isle Du Cawfay or some damn thing:  It offers cinnamon coffee, vanilla
coffee and decaf Viennese, from beans fresh-squeezed by formerly
Soviet virgins.  I'm not against this stuff, but it's not what I look
for in liquefied caffeine: I want a blister on my lips and a knot in
my stomach.  I want my coffee black, bitter and scalding.  Give me
that little pleasure, America.  I promise I won't sue you.

Alas, we're well on the road to tepid exoticism.  Have you tried to
find vanilla ice cream at the grocery store lately?  You could get
frostbite from rummaging.  You have to claw your way past Wally Walnut
Peanut Brittle Supreme, or Cherry Brownie Fudge Syrup Surprise, ice
cream with so much extra Junk crammed into its mass like a tub of
frozen glue with chunks of bark floating in it.  If you find vanilla
ice cream at all, it's usually Milli Vanilla Whole Bean Rain Forest
Saver, with vanilla beans suspended in its depths like boulders in a
glacier.

While we're on the subject, isn't it time to declare a moratorium on
microbreweries?  Walk into an upscale tavern these days, and there's a
12-foot wall of bottles behind the bar, floor to ceiling.  If you ask
the bartender what kind of beers they serve, you'll die of thirst
before he reaches the end of the list.  And all the names have the
same kind of annoying, vaguely macho ring to them:  Ugly Alligator
Ale, or One-Eyed Pete's Pale Porter.  I'll go mad,  I tell you!  Mad!

We've got to nip this thing in the bud, my friends.  We're on the road
to a world where we'll be able to flavor our foods with cumin, curry,
or cilantro, but not salt.  We used to drink water from the tap,
remember that?  Then we switched to bubbly water from foreign lands;
now it has to be cherry-favored bubbly water, or we won't touch it.

We have special shampoos for our individual hair needs.  We need
special outfits to ride a damn bicycle.  We have call waiting, call
forwarding, caller i.d. -- but when's the last time you actually
talked to a human being on the telephone?

Our new culture is all quarters, no pennies, prayer in school but no
education, all croissants and no doughnuts. We're not smoking! 
Tomatoes will stay ripe for centuries.

We welcome space aliens, by not illegal ones.  (As Martians carry work
visas.)  We used to shoot tin cans from stumps with .22s.  Today we
shoot each other with .357s.  We used to drive gasguzzlers,
guilt-free; today we drive little tiny cars with strange names not
found in nature. Do we really feel better about ourselves?  Of course
we don't.

We're just trying to prove that we can control our appetites.  "I
don't have a sugar jones," we say to the world, "I just have a sudden
craving for Huggy-Buggy Sweet 'N' Sticky Health Bars.  That's all."

I don't want to alarm you (well; OK, I do), but it seems like we're
ripe for an invasion.  Lean and hungry barbarians from the east, take
note. You won't even need weapons.  All you need are basic goods: 
sugar, salt, coffee, tea' whole milk, alcohol, red meat, tobacco.  I
don't want to sound like a traitor, but we're a pushover.

================================================
[from UGA Humor List]

Sun vs. Microsoft

As you may know, Sun Microsystems has sued Microsoft over a licensing
disagreement regarding Java. Sun claims Microsoft has violated its
Java development license by extending Java in such a way that it is
not platform independent; Microsoft's version of Java can only work in
a Windows NT environment.

There has been speculation to the effect that it would be more cost
effective for Microsoft simply to purchase Sun, rather than become
involved in a possibly lengthy court battle.

So picture this: You're standing on a street corner by a newspaper
vending machine. People walk by, see the headline on the paper, and
turn their eyes worriedly toward the sky.  The headline read
"Microsoft buys Sun", and the people are wondering when it's going to
crash!
================================================
[all from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

KASPAROV'S BYTE SHOCKS CHESS WORLD

NEW YORK (DWPI) -- After a disappointing loss to Deep Blue in May,
World Chess Champion Garry Kasparov got his revenge in a bizarre
rematch.  In game one Kasparov opened with the same Caro-Kann move
that led to his defeat last time.  This time, though, just when it
appeared that Kasparov would lose, he removed 512 megabytes of RAM
from Deep Blue with his teeth.  The super computer never recovered
and lost on a time delay technicality.  C.J. Tan, the director of the
IBM research team, commented, "We're appealing to the World Chess
Council."  Promoter Don King quickly came to Kasparov's defense,
stating, "This is ridiculacious and preposteral!  There ain't no
rules in chess against using masticationary strategy."

Reported by Billy Everts
The Daily Weekly, August 19, 1997 <daily@walrus.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP TEN WAYS DEEP BLUE IS CELEBRATING ITS VICTORY
David Letterman, May 12, 1997

10. Nailed R2D2

9. Just for the heck of it, told the I.R.S. computers to audit Bill
Gates

8. Went online pretending to be a transvestite:  Had cybersex with
Eddie Murphy

7. Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend, Jenny
McCarthy

6. Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo

5. Called up moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty tickets for
everything

4. Doing a guest spot on "friends" as Monica's "brainy" new boyfriend

3. Enjoying a refreshing game of ping-pong (suddenly -- a video shot
of an OLD PC with a ping-pong paddle taped to side of the monitor
comes up... you guessed it, a ball bounces off it...)

2. Downloaded some pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the ol' mouse a
workout

1. He's going to www.disneyworld.com!

Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
IT'S ALL IN THE TIMING...

I understand that Garry Kasparov has a plan.  He's going to schedule
the rematch with the computer for just after midnight, 01 January
2000.

Dr. Roger M. Firestone <rfire@cais.cais.com> [rec.humor.funny]
================================================
[from HAND!]

Life in the Slaw Lane
                      -Kip Adota

It was Cucumber the 1st. Summer was over. I had just spinached a long
day and I was busheled. I'm the kind of guy that works hard for his
celery, and I don't like telling you I was feeling a bit wilted. But
I didn't carrot all, because, otherwise, things were vine. I try
never to dasparagus, and I don't sweat the truffles. I'm outstanding
in my field, and I know that something good will turnip eventually.

A bunch of things were going grape, and, soon, I'd be top banana. At
least, that's my peeling. But that's enough corn -- lend me your ear,
and lettuce continue.

After dressing, I stalked over to the grain station. I got there just
in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed towards the core of
Appleton, a lentle more than a melon and a half yeast of Cloveland.

No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rutaBaga. Passing my
usual stop, I got avoCado. I haled a passing Yellow Cabbage and told
the driver to cart me off to Broccolin. I was going to meet my
brother across from the EggPlant, where he had a job at the Saffron
station pumpkin gas.

As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam. He told me his
wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches -- a soiled but
radishing beauty with huge gourds (my brother had always been a
chestnut). But I could never figure out why she picked him. He was a
skinny little stringbean who'd always suffered from Cerebral Parsley
-- it was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to weed it out, but the
problem still romained. He was used to having a tough row to hoe, but
it irrigated me to see Arte-choke, and it bothered my brother to see
his marriage go to seed.

Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of growing to do. Shore,
they had sown their wild oats, but just barley, if you peas. Finally,
Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip to your chive,
and if you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm going to leaf you for
Basil, you fruit!" He said he didn't realize it had kumquat so far.
Onion other hand, even though Peaches could be the pits, I knew she'd
never call the fuzz.

So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the MushRoom. Let's walk over."
He said, "That's a very rice place! That's the same little bar where
alfalfa my wife." When we got there, I pulled up a cherry and tried
to produce small talk. I told him I hadn't seen Olive; not since I'd
shelled off for a trip to Macadamia, when I told her we cantaloupe --
the thyme just wasn't ripe. She knew what I mint!

When we left the MushRoom, we were pretty well juiced. I told Arte to
say hello to the boysenberry, and that I'd orange to see him another
time.

Well, it all came out in the morning peppers: Arte caught Peaches
that night with Basil, and Arte beet Basil bad, leaving him with two
beautiful acres. Peaches? She was found in the garden -- she'd be
pruned.

Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes. Me?
Idaho. My name? Wheat. My friends call be `Kernel'. And that's life
in the slaw lane. Thank you so mulch. It's a garden out there!

(the chorus, which is inserted a few times, is sung by his regular
back-up singers. It goes:

  Life in the Slaw Lane
  They say plants can't feel no pain
  Life in the Slaw Lane
  I've got news for you -- they're just as frail as you.  )
================================================
[from Kitty's Daily Mews.  *Some* of them are new!]

I lost a button hole.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a
while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile.
It's a pain to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I
thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of
my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... I wonder how much deeper the oceans
would be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'Do you know the speed limit
here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'Oh, that's OK, I'm not going
that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed
it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part
of the experiment?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks
he can get me five.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station.
Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
================================================
[forwarded by Rev. Cheese on REHU]

The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the
same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout
and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny cooking on the stove, but it's in an
exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with
pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.  

6. The unmistakeable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
leave the bathroom. 

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.  

4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.  

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.  

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffed
in you ears.  

And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:  

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple. 
================================================
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

                Pre-release announcement of XDOS7 (religion)

The Universal Society of Ethics Religion and Spirituality today made a
pre-release announcement of the Christian Deity Ontological System
version 7.0 (XDOS 7.0), commonly known as Christianity 7. The release
(expected 1 Q '00) is eagerly awaited in many quarters. Analysts have
been predicting the new version on the basis of comparatively poor
performance in recent years against religions from other vendors.

The last major version of Christianity, released in the mid 1750's,
was made primarily active only one day per week, in compliance with
the major social architectures of the day. The "Sunday School" feature
made it vastly popular. The new "evangelism" module, the most
effective since the "mission" variant of Christianity 3 in the 800's,
made release 6.0 and its variants one of the most powerful programs
available at the time.

Christianity 6.0 was, however, made backward compatible with previous
versions. 5.0 had been targeted at primarily agrarian architectures
and therefore, while the program was structurally compatible with
active users, the program did not disallow passive types. While this
was attractive to users with large volumes of physical input offline,
it was less well suited to a sedentary population. As the social
architecture moved towards more static cycle times, many complained
that Christianity 6 had serious "downtime" problems.

According to the Society's announcement, Christianity 7 will
abandon compatibility of the user interface, although strict data and
functional compatibility will be maintained. Previous versions were
based primarily on batch input, and users with buffers of insufficient
size often dealt with input problems, due to the lack of an
implemented flow control, by rejecting all input in excess of the
buffer size. This meant that the same batch input could be recycled as
new input several times, and it often was. While this was acceptable
to most users, those with faster platforms found it difficult to deal
with. Over several releases, many of those wishing greater input had
addressed the matter by "piping" input from several sources at once,
but latterly users had been vociferous in their complaints regarding
the bottleneck, and many simply abandoned the program for systems with
greater input options.

The new user interface is stated to be much more interactive. As
well, the user will have greater responsibility for the overall
performance of the system. In the past, most system maintenance was
done either by the vendor or by specially trained system
administrators. As neither the vendors nor the administrators were
able to work directly with applications on the system, requests for
user support were often answered vaguely, if at all. The Society is
calling for more training centres dedicated to user applications
training rather than more training for system administrators. (It is
interesting to note that this type of training was widely available in
the late 1700's and early 1800's; the pinnacle of activity for release
6.)

Because of this radical change in interface, the Society is calling
for assistance from both users and interface design experts in drawing
up the specific features for the layout. All submissions are to be
directed to:

Robert Slade, 3118 Baird Road, North Vancouver, B.C. V7K 2G6
(c) Robert Slade 1990

source: rec.humor.funny
================================================
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

POLITICALLY CORRECT HALLOWEEN

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.  Consider some
old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING:  Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA
types will be on you like stink on shit.  What 30 centuries of white
male authors used to call witches, are today respected as
complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wom... uh, womyn.

WINDOW WAXING:  These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs
and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet
of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING:  This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation
of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the
perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb
their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs
out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin,
soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free)
dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out.  Any
worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their
native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and
tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is
eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the
choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin?  Uh uh, cruelty to
animals or their depictions is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not
separate) opportunity to jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1997 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date.  Casper is clearly a dead, white male,
probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not
to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the
Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended
optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with
lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency
bases. Which is to say, all of them.

Disney costumes.  Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired,

Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby.

Uncle Remus?   You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat.

A cowperson?   Perhaps, but don't pack a gun.  And don't even think
about punching a cow.

So there you are.  The scariest thing about Halloween these days is
that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone.  And if someone
scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory
emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine
and/or jail term.  Whether you can react instead with a sullen but
non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this
term by the Supreme Court.  Until then, do so at your own risk.
================================================
[from Greg, via "Just Too Funny!"]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT.

Life is hard, then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day
annoy them. 

Climb your way to the top-that's why the drapes are there.

Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. 

Find your place in the sun-especially if it happens to be on that nice
pile of warm, clean laundry. 

Make your mark in the world-or at least spray in each corner. 

When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or
thirty times. 

If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several
expensive antique lamps. 

Always give generously-a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells
them, "I care." 

When you go out in the world, remember: being placed on a pedestal is
a right, not a privilege.
================================================
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably
be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at
his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned,
all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put
it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But
how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did
look, but your client didn't." 
================================================
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                           DOS Users Anonymous

The heart of the DUA's suggested program of personal recovery is
contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest
recovering DOS users:

1.   We admitted we were powerless over upgrades-that our computers
had become unmanageable.

2.   Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves - Microsoft -
could restore us to sanity.

3.   Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care
of Bill Gates as we understood Him.

4.   Made a searching and fearless Defrag and Scandisk of our hard
drive.

5.   Admitted to Bill Gates to ourselves and to our list server the
exact version of our current operating system.

6.   Were entirely ready to have Windows 95 remove all these
accustomed benefits of convenience, reliability, and productivity.

7.   Humbly asked him to remove our current operating system's
simplicity.

8.   Made a list of all files (hidden or system) we had accidentally
deleted and became willing to commit to the Window's 95 recycling
feature.

9.   Made direct payment to Microsoft or its agent wherever possible,
except when to do so would require us to use the MS Network.

10.  Continued to struggle with the Win 95installation program and
when we were finally out of time and patience promptly admitted it to
Microsoft product support.

11.  Sought through the Microsoft home page to improve our conscious
contact with Bill Gates as we understood Him, asking only for
knowledge of His will for us and software (conforming to the Active
Accessibility standard) to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we
tried to carry this message to disabled computer users everywhere and
to use Windows 95 (or higher) applications in all our computing.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in
their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so.
================================================
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THE ROMANCE QUIZ THAT OUTCOSMO'S COSMO!
By Kit Lively

Hey you!  Yes you, the one in the coonskin cap drinking ranch-style
dressing straight from the bottle!  Take this quiz!

Guys, How Romantic are you?

1. The most appropriate and considerate gift to present to the lady on
the first date is....

   a. A refrigerator filled with clean-shaven dead monkeys.
   b. A gift certificate for a free tango lesson given by Orville
Redenbacher.
   c. A life-size, nude sculpture of George C. Scott made entirely out
of cottage cheese.

2. The best time to attempt to kiss the lady on the first date is...

   a. After you've had sex.
   b. Four hours after the date is over, by sneaking into her house
and surprising her.
   c. After you've just given her dad a back rub.

3. What was the first thing that attracted you to your
wife/girlfriend?

   a. Her twelve year old daughter.
   b. The way she had been granted the evil, powerful magic of Satan,
so she could get into movie's free and stuff.
   c. The fact that she wore the same dress size as me.

4. Everyone knows that you love your wife/girlfriend, but if you could
change just one thing about her, what would it be?

   a. Her butt cheeks, which are like ziplock bags full of pancake
batter.
   b. Her breath, which usually smells sort of like a slaughterhouse
that's being used to store pickle barrels filled with used diapers.
   c. Nothing.  Not a thing.  She is one hundred percent perfect,
every man's dream.  See Honey?  See, I circled this one.  Now will 
you let me take the camcorder into the bedroom?

5. Which of the following is the famous quote Alexander the Great used
to inspire the weary people of his kingdom after he returned from his
journey to the Endonites of Southern Angola?

   a. Hey everybody, look what I brought back!  Caramel corn!
   b. Do these pants make my bottom look too big?
   c. I hope someone remembered to record "Days of Our Lives" for me.
   d. Hey, alright, it's Polka Time

ANSWERS:  Don't worry about it.  You're the man, so you can never be
right anyway.
================================================
[from Swedie on REHU]

10 Reasons You Know You Live in New Jersey

10 You take a course in landscape painting and your picture is full of
smoke stacks and dumpsters.

9 It typically takes you half an hour to get to the A&P _ half a mile
away.

8 Your pet is named "Swamp Thing."

7 You think Route 95 is the "scenic route."

6 You walk right through a farting contest without even noticing.

5 You have to filter your drinking water through your kidneys 3 or 4
times to purify it.

4 Your annual car insurance premiums cost more than your car.

3 Your garden glows in the dark.

2 The Coast Guard has closed your bath tub.

And you REALLY know you live in New Jersey when . . .

1 Your middle finger starts jumping before you even turn on the
ignition.
================================================
[both from Afterthoughts]

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over
to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like
tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second
vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his
head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the
bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
+-----------------------------+ 
Top 15 Complaints of Modern Vampires 

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling,
"Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are
suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
hardbodies.

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards. 
================================================
~~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~~

                    "MacDonald's Soliloquy"
              ~~              or,             ~~
                    "Parody after Macbeth"
                                                    - Gregory Lam
                                                      Feb. '96

     Is this a burger which I see before me,
     The soft bun in my hand?  Come, let me clutch thee.
     I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
     Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
     To taste as to sight?  or art thou but
     A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
     Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
     I see thee yet, in form as palatable
     As this cracker which now I chew.
     Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
     And such condiments I was to use!
     Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
     The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
     And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
     Which was not so before.  There's no such food:
     It is the bloody diet which informs
     Thus to mine eyes.  Now o'er the Weight Watchers
     Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
     The growling bowels; famished celebrate
     Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
     Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
     Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
     With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
     I move like a ghost.  Thou warm and delicious beef,
     Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
     My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
     And take the present mirror from the room,
     When now suits do not fit.  Whiles I starve, he lives:
     Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.
         [A bell rings.]
     I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
     Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
     That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.
         [Exeunt.]


                  * Archives  * More Food Jokes
~~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~~
* To join, just send the message "subscribe" (without the quotes) to:
  laughalot-request@graceweb.org  - Start your day off with a laugh! *
Compilations (c) 1997 - Permission granted to forward or post jokes
  from website or mailing list as long as this message is included.
~~~~~~ Archives at: http://GraceWeb.org/Laugh-A-Lot!/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby,
final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed
until the end of the year.

Now if I were the contractor with a sense of humor...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for
the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a
little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the
release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into
the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center
on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty
spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you
need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light
fixtures The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll
have to upgrade th the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The
water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other
fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house
and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling
me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release
sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year,
but we've had some delays..."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tom Bombadil]

WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
******************************************************************

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is
called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and
get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported
one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about
Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were
dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus
must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could
stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane,
and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word.
"Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:

     the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
     the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others a
     lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
     is true

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one
reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all
shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo."
When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop
reading email, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including

     Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
     Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
     McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html
     Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html
     The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com
     Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com
     Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
evaluating sources, such as

     Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm
     Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
     Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.

******************************************************************
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it
to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a
chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so
timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're
using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to
some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will
donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you
are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously
thinking too much.)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Lesly Vick via Dear Abby Column
and Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

KIDS START WITH A CLICH

I teach fourth grade at Westlake Elementary School in Ventura County,
California.  As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of
a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings
for each one.  Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human.  To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry, and someone yells, "Shut
up!"

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.
+---------------------------------------------+
[From M.Schyff, via UGA Humor List]

This black guy walks into a barber shop for a haircut, twenty minutes
later he has the best haircut he has ever seen in his entire life.
"How much is it?" he asked. "Five bucks", came the reply. "What do you
call this haircut?" "It's called a Tee-Vee."

Later the black guy meets a white pal of his.
White guy : Great haircut, where did you get it?
Black guy : At the barber around the corner.
WG: Excellent man. I'll get one myself. How much was it?
BG : Five bucks. But ask for the Tee-Vee haircut.

So the white guy goes and gets his haircut.
He too is exceptionally ecstatic with the results. After paying his
five bucks, the two pals leave together.

Later they bump into a colored pal.
CG : Hey great haircut Guys. Where did you get it?
BG : At the barber at the end of the road.
CG : What do you call it?
WG : It's a new style, called a Tee-Vee haircut.
CG : Great. I think I'll go there right now and get myself this
fantastic haircut. How much does it cost?
BG : Only five bucks.

So the colored guy goes and gets his hair cut as well. After the job,
he is also well and truly satisfied with the results. So he was more
than happy to hand over the five bucks.

"Sorry, Pal." says the barber. "It costs fifteen dollars."
"WHAT" exclaims the colored guy.
"The other two guys paid five bucks each!!!!!!"
"Well, yes," replied the barber"
"But everyone knows that a colored TV costs more
than a black and white!!!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[two from Kitty's Daily Mews]

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
old child

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!!"

           >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<         >^,,^<

                             Washing The Dog


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop"
grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The
grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he
hada lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and
if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even
kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him
out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the
dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on
your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the rinse cycle!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[two from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ON HALLOWEEN, BUT AREN'T

1. So... What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.

Stefan N Marsh <snmarsh@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu> [osu.opinion]
David A. Rinke II <drinkeii@erie.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1. Give away something other than candy.  (Toothpicks, golf balls,
bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come.  When they get near
the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,
"Trick or Treat!"  Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.  Write on it, "Top
Secret" in big letters.  When trick-or-treaters come, look around
suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the
briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.  When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in."  When they do,
have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!"  Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher.  Insist that it makes an
unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish.  Immediately collapse, and
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into
the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off.  Slam the door
and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
candy.  Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult.  Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.  Stare at the
trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start
flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.  If anyone protests,
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from
Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.  Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten
candy bars in your hands.  Act surprised, and close the door.  Open it
again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your
porch.  Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the
pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.  Yell and curse from the moment you
open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.

Barb Mattson@nmt.edu
Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Betsy on REHU]

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination

16> Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the
coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

15> Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

14> Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of   
Poland.

13> When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the
Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

12> Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and 
nine suicide bombs.

11> What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose     
step.

10> Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

9> Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to
be blueprint of the UN Building.

8> Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

7> Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and
leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."

6> Then -- dead mice in the kitchen.  Now -- dead third world
dictators in the basement.

5> Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of
"land mine" technology.

4> Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

3> Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.

2> What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for
with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

1> Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Randall Woodman via UGA Humor List]

User Tips for HUSBAND 1.0

HUSBAND 1.0 There are alot of pressures to upgrade from
Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you
understand the implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be
compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management,
garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase
in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many
resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an
increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program
often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the
system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your
commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have
not authorised. If this happens alot, do not respond to any
interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for
extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes
and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has
been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but
unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to
be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and
most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised
would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue
use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so
deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are inpossible
to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and
may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to
use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in
handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space
than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down
correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is
increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband
1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although
these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also
spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently
appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted
interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have
the required result. This generally results in spawned processes
scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More
often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an
inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While
waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to
distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud
2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently
apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ.
There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and
try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more
difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work
ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support
more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a
copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0
before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before
using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which
can be plugged into any of your ports. Zul
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

   What should you say when you meet a ghost?
                "How do you boo, sir.  How do you boo."

   What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
                Ghost toasties with booberries.

   What's soft, moldy and flies?
                A spoiled bat.

   What did the policeman say when a black widow spider
   ran down his back?
                "You're under a vest!"

   What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock
   train home?
                He had to give it back.

   Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
                He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

   What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
                A dead ringer.

   What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
                I'd like to get to gnaw you.

   Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
                "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

   Why do dragons sleep during the day?
                So they can fight knights.

   Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
                In a blood bank.

   How does a witch tell time?
                She looks at her witch watch.

   Where can you see a real ugly monster?
                In the mirror.

   When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
                When you're a mouse.

   Why did the monster eat the caboose?
                The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

   What's the best place for a mirror?
                In a graveyard.  It can double your mummy.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

   HALLOWEEN CAROLS

sent in by Ellen Kaplan Goffin who got it from friends.. they have
either been written or compiled by:  Aaron Hertzmann of Swarthmore

All right, here they are, the Halloween Carols...some were written by
Swarthmore students, some by Palo Alto High School students, and bits
from original Charles Shultz material. And some just kind of
spontaneously evolved.

     -----------------------------------------------
1. JOY TO THE WORLD (to the tune of JOY TO THE WORLD.)

Joy to the world,
It's Halloween.
The night of fright has come!
This time of year we wait.
We hope he won't be late.
The Great Pumpkin will come,
The Great Pumpkin will come,
The Great, The GREAT Pumpkin will come.

He rules the world,
On Hallow's Eve.
He's coming here tonight.
Let's go into the pumpkin patch
They'll put us in the booby hatch,
But we will have such fun,
But we will have such fun,
But we, But we will have such fun.

     -----------------------------------------------
2. HUMPHREY THE BLUE-NOSED PUMPKIN (to the tune of Rudolph the...)

Humphrey the blue-nosed pumpkin had a very obvious nose.
And if you ever saw it, you might even say it shows.
All of the other pumpkins, used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Humphrey play in any pumpkin games.

Then one foggy Halloween Eve, the Great Pumpkin did say,
"Humphrey, with your nose so blue, you'll make all the ghosts say
BOO!"

Then all the pumpkins loved him, and they shouted out with glee,
Humphrey, the blue-nosed pumpkin, You'll go down in history!

     -----------------------------------------------
3. O Skeletons! (to the tune of O Tannenbaum!)

O skeletons! O skeletons!
Rattle down my hallway!
O skeletons! O skeletons!
Rattle in my attic.

Let them know, the day is here,
When your spirit will appear.
O skeletons! O skeletons!
Rattle through your graveyard.

     -----------------------------------------------
4. God Rest Ye Merry Spirits

God rest ye merry spirits, let nothing you dismay.
Witches stirring bubbling cauldrons, smelling of decay.
To save you all from Satan's Po'er before your hair turns gray.
Oh tidings of horror and fright,
Horror and fright!
Oh tidings of horror and fright.

     -----------------------------------------------
5. Spooky Night (to the tune of Silent Night.)

Spooky Night, Halloween Night,
All is cold, nothing's right.
Round yon pumpkin glowing away.
People singing in the doorway.
Sing in devilish glee-ee.
Singing in devilish glee.

     -----------------------------------------------
6. The First Halloween

The First Halloween
The parents did scream
At the children in costumes
Who stole all the treats.

"Go away, go away!"
The spirits did say.
"You're taking our business,
So come back in May!"

     -----------------------------------------------
7. We Three Ghosts (to the tune of We Three Kings)

We three ghosts of Halloween are
Scaring kids who wander too far.
Trick or treating, candy eating,
Watching for the Halloween Star.

Oh...oh...

Star of darkness, star of fright.
Star of every gruesome sight.
West winds howling, cat's a-yowling,
Let us play some tricks tonight!

     -----------------------------------------------
8. Obligatory Solutions (to the tune of Jingle Bells.)

Dashing through the streets,
Meeting goblins as we go,
Wearing contour sheets,
Wishing it would snow.

Bells in doorways ring,
Making spirits bright,
What fun it is to come and sing
And get some food tonight.

Trick or treat, trick or treat, trick or treat we say!
Try to get the treats before the ghost takes us away!
Trick or treat, trick or treat, trick or treat we say!
If you don't have treats for us we'll never go away!

     -----------------------------------------------
9. Ghosties We Have Heard on High

Ghosties we have heard on high,
Groaning horribly o'er the plains.
And the witches in reply,
Cacklin' their eerie strains:

Boooooooooooooooooooooo
On this Halloween Night we cry:
Boooooooooooooooooooooo
On this Halloween Night we cry.

Spirits why this jubilee?
Why your ghastly tunes prolong.
What these gruesome tidings be,
Which inspire your evil song.

Boooooooooooooooooooooo
On this Halloween Night we cry:
Boooooooooooooooooooooo
On this Halloween Night we cry.

     -----------------------------------------------
10. Deck the Halls

Deck the halls with poison ivy,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the season to be slimy,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our strange apparel,
fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient Halloween carol,
fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the goblins rise before us,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
As we sing the Halloween chorus,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Follow them as they ascend,
fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Join with all your loony friends,
fa la la la la, la la la la.

     -----------------------------------------------
11. The Grim Reaper is Coming to Town.

Oh, you better not shriek, you better not groan,
You better not howl, you better not moan.
The Grim Reaper is coming to town!

He's gonna find out from folks that he meets,
Who should have arsenic put in their treats.
Grim Reaper is coming to town!

He'll search in every graveyeard,
Haunted houses far and near,
To see if you should stay alive,
Or die right here in fear!

So, you better not shriek, you better not groan,
You better not howl, you better not moan.
The Grim Reaper is coming to town!

     -----------------------------------------------
12. On the First Day of Halloween

On the First Day of Halloween, my Swamp Thing gave to me:

A hoot owl in a dead tree.
Two trick or treaters,
Three black cats,
Four skeletons,
Five Snicker bars,
Six goblins gobbling,
Seven pumpkins glowing,
Eight monsters shrieking,
Nine ghosts a-booing,
Ten ghouls a-groaning,
Eleven masks a-leering,
Twelve bats a-flying.

     -----------------------------------------------
13. Spirit Wonderland (to the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Screech owls hoot, are you listening?
'Neath the moon, all is glistening.
A real scary sight, we're happy tonight.
Waitin' in a spirit wonderland.

In the streets, we're begging for some candy.
We've been waiting for this night all year.
We've tried to embarrass everybody,
And to make a costume filling you with fear.

Later on, while we're eating
What we got trick or treating.
We'll share all our sacks
Of Halloween snacks,
Waitin' in a spirit wonderland.

     -----------------------------------------------
14. Shivery Yells

We're on sidewalks, we're on porches,
Dressed in costumes to scare.
Through the city we're ringing the doorbells.
Trick or treating, candy eating,
Gooey stuff in our hair,
But the most fun is shrieking out loud,
"Shivery yells! Shivery yells!"
That's the Halloween nitty-gritty.
"Moan and Groan. Leave us alone.
Halloween's just one night a year."

     -----------------------------------------------
Suggestions for songs to convert:
Frosty the snowman
Good King Wenceslas
O Little Town of Bethlehem
We wish you a Merry Christmas
Hark the Herald Angel sings.

An incomplete song so far:

Ooooh - the lurking werewolves howl,
warning us of fiends most fowl. ( to Hark the Herald...)

And a really scary one:

We wish you assorted vegetables,
We wish you the cheddar cheese bake,
We wish you the chili nachos,
And the Rice Croquettes.
(Cheeseless rice...Salad bar...where in the Heck did I park my car...)
+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

VAMPIRE HUNTER

Did you hear about the unsuccessful vampire hunter?

He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart
because steaks were too expensive.

Ali Sayf Ali <alis@inforamp.net> [rec.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HALLOWEEN

"It's tuff having a teacher for a mother," the one boy told another.
"Remember that Halloween costume party we went to?  And I dressed as a
bee?  Well, when I got home, she checked my breath for pollen."

Jim Moore Jr. <jimjr@pipeline.com> [rec.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP TEN SCARIEST COSTUMES IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

10. Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.

9. Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.

8. Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.

7. Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.

6. Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.

5. 93 year-old Senator Strom Thurmond "dressed" as Tarzan.

4. Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kervorkian wearing a
Medicare badge.

3. A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar ("There goes your campaign
financing, Congressman").

2. Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.

1. Senator Ted "Chappaquiddic" Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.

Ron's Top Ten <http://www.bje.com/rons.top.ten/>
+---------------------------------------------+
