11/1/97

[forwarded by LOTS of people, but Tom Roush was first]

MICROSOFT PURCHASES THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced
today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United
States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with US President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal
government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest",
according to Microsoft president Steve Balmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice
president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how
it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates,
Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say
that Gates has a "proven track record", and that US citizens should
offer Gates their "full support and confidence".

Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000
annually he has earned as US president, in his new role at
Microsoft.  Gates dismissed a suggestion that the US Capitol be
moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make
executive decisions for the US government from his existing office
at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and
Senate would "of course" be abolished.

"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're
doing".

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.

About Microsoft
-----------------

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader
in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making
it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the
full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States
--------------------------

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
Nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of
democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, DC, the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Persson Mattias, via UGA Humor List]

The Top 15 New Names for the Mir Space Station

15> The AMC Spacer

14> Uncle Boris's Last Chance Galactic Truck Stop & Fireworks Stand

13> I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Space-Station

12> Skylab for Dummies

11> Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6

10> Absolut NightMir

 9> The New, Improved People's Deathtrap 2000 ("Now with leaks!")

 8> Space Toast Coast-to-Coast

 7> The S.S. Minnowsky

 6> The Black Cat, Walking Under a Ladder, Broken Mirror,
    Spilled Salt, Friday the 13th Space Module

 5> Kaputnik

 4> Cattlecar Galactica

 3> Spacey Spice

 2> The Amazing Orbiting Barge O' Death


    and the Number 1 New Name for the Mir Space Station...


 1> Deepshit Nine
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Edwards, via UGA Humor List]

Since science tells us that sound will not travel through a vacuum,
why is my Hoover so loud?

I thought I had seen everything that can be done while driving a car.
But this morning, I saw a guy playing a bugle while at the wheel.

It's not officially an empty nest until they get their stuff out of
the basement.

To the girl who waited on me at the Gap: My T-shirt said YALE, not
y'all.

Why isn't there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants?

The two worst years of marriage are the first year and the year you
are in now.

I know why beer passes through you so fast. It doesn't have to stop to
change colors.

Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out
of debt!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My girlfriend asked me if I'll love her in the morning. I told her it
depends on what happens tonight.

You know you're in trouble when your wife checks out Playgirl
magazine then looks at you and laughs.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Allan Hjer3pe, on REHU. I suggest you imagine Marvin the 
Martian speaking, here.  Handy thing to have the day after 
Halloween...]

On the front page of the October 23, 1997 issue of The Wall Street
Journal is an article which will make the heart of every American
swell with pride. The article concerns an amazing device developed in
Morton, Illinois, and which was developed entirely by Free Enterprise,
without any government subsidy or other aid.

To describe this amazing invention, I shall quote a paragraph from The
Wall Street Journal article:

"The invention is an 18-ton, 100-foot cannon made of 10-inch diameter
plastic pipe, powered by compressed air and mounted on an old cement
mixer. Dubbed the Aludium Q36 Pumpkin Modulator, it has already set a
world distance record, flinging a pumpkin 2,710 feet -- at a velocity
of more than 600 miles per hour, literally faster than some speeding
bullets."

The rules of Pumpkin Flinging require that the pumpkin be intact when
it leaves the launcher and that no explosives be employed. The next
challenge facing these intrepid pioneers is determining whether or not
the pumpkins can remain intact at and over the speed of sound. If they
are successful, they will be able to shatter the 2,710 foot record.

Here is American ingenuity at its best. These dedicated volunteers
were working in the finest American tradition -- the tradition of
Thomas Edison and Thomas Jefferson, of the Wright Brothers and Millard
Fillmore, of Alexander Graham Bell and Champ Clark.

In the highly competitive world of Pumpkin Flinging America's lead is
insurmountable. The Japanese and Germans have not risked humiliation
by so much as showing their faces at the annual Pumpkin Flinging
Competition in Lewes, Deleware.

It is only a matter of time before the Aludium Q36 Pumpkin Modulator
technology directly benefits the consumer. Imagine, for example, how
much easier garbage and trash disposal would be if every household
were equipped with an Aludium Q36 Garbage and Trash Modulator.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Andychap, via "A Joke A Day"]

Politically Correct Statements For Students

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure
prohibitive." 

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed
bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook
experience." 

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "re-scheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome." 

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic
footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned mediations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building." 

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of
near-factual information." 

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[the first is from Barbara on REHU]

from a greeting card:
     Top Ten Least Scary Halloween Monsters

10.  The Hatless Horseman
 9.  The Quarterback of Notre Dame
 8.  The Creature from the Blue Lagoon
 7.  Vampire Batboy
 6.  Frankenstein's Bride's Bridesmaid
 5.  The Incredible 50-Inch Woman
 4.  Children of the Darned
 3.  The Fan of the Opera
 2.  The Glad Scientist

And the #1 Least Scary Halloween Monster:

 1.  Werepoodle
+------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on REHU]

Q - Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween?

A - They don't like all those strangers coming up on the porch and
ringing their doorbells.
+---------------------------------------------+
[Compiled from various sources by Bert Pasquale, via "A Joke A Day"]

You know you're addicted to the internet when...

Surfin'

* Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice
  all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're
  halfway through Lycos.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
  think it  sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack
  for "surfing the net".
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
  engines useless.

Staying Connected!

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or
  phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
  cellular modem and a laptop.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
  connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
* When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling,
  like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net
  and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Actually, you secretly distain them.
* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS
  on your favorite IRC channel.
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
  allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
  ISP... because you never log off.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to
  your IRC  channel.
* Your modem isn't working, and after a few minutes you begin to
  sweat, your hands start to tremble...
* You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate
  with your ISP
* You succeed.

Walk the Walk

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
  a word processor.com
* Even your night dreams are in HTML.
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
  see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though
  you've never had heart problems before.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
  hear if new e-mail arrives.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages."  So you check
  it again.  There were 84 new ones ...last hour.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. *
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. * As your car
crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
  your 1st instinct is: search for the "back" button.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check your
  e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html *
You actually tried that 123.elm.street address. * You get a tatoo that
says "This body best viewed with Netscape
  1.1 or higher."
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.
* When channel surfing the informercials, you grab a remote control
  and double-click.

Talk the Talk

* You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net
  dot au."
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Serious Warning Signs!

* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
  and your child in the overhead compartment.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
  moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
  idea where your children are.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
  of what she looks like.
* Your son tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
  games from Apogee.
* Your wife or husband says communication is important in a
  marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second
  phone line so the two of you can chat.
* You forget what year it is.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you
  landscape.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "You've
  got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
  in front of your computer with a toilet.
* Your spouse's new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You don't know what gender over three of your closest friends
  are because they have neutral nicknames.
* You email this message to your friends on the net.  You think
  about printing it out to show it to your others and... what
  others?!?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List]

National Health Insurance, Inc.
ATTN: Claims Review
PO Box 17342
New York, NY 12276

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing in response to your request for additional infor-
mation. In block number 3 of the accident report form, I put "trying
to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your
letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the date of the accident I was
working alone on the roof of a new 6-story building.  When I
completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick
left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was
attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out, and loaded the brick into it.  Then I went back to the
ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow
descent of the 500 pounds of brick.  You will note in block number 11
of the accident report that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.  Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers
of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground -- and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight
of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. As you
might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs
and lower body.  The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to
lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and,
fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.

I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in
pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above
me -- I again lost my presence of mind, and I let go of the rope. The
empty barrel weighed more than the rope as it came back down on me and
broke both my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the
accident occurred.

Sincerely,
Billy Wohlnut
+---------------------------------------------+
Answers to "Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?" - Teresa's
latest COMPLETE collection [trying to eliminate duplicates].  Star
Trek & Babylon 5 answers are in separate messages.  Last revision 
date: 10/8/97.

Have I missed any?????

+------------------------------+
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Anonymous Aggie: To demonstrate to the armadillo that it COULD be
done!

Mother Angelica: Honey, Chickens just can't cross roads.

Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.

Aristotle:  It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

The Bible:  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
"Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God."

Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
You did not see that auto speeding.
"Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
God just had a Tygerish mood."

Pat Buchanan:  To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Albert Camus:  It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no
meaning except to him.

Raymond Chandler:  She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black
jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew
that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first
opportunity and never look back.

Johnny Cochrane:  There is no proof that the poultry (hereinafter
"Chicken") did, indeed, cross the byway (hereinafter "Road"); this is
all hearsay evidence and, as we all know, hearsay evidence is
incontrovertibly inadmissible in any court of law in this
jurisdiction.  Beyond this, it is speculative at best whether or not
Chicken, walking on his or her alleged feet, could cross the road,
dependent, of course, upon the relative size of the pure asphalt used
in the particular Road's construction.  We therefore submit our motion
to have a portion of the asphalt of the Road in question brought to
the court whereupon the feet of Chicken would then be compared to the
asphalt.  We would then prove unequivocally that Chicken's feet could,
in no way, be accountable for crossing the Road for the simple but
undeniable reason that had Chicken crossed the Road, Chicken's toes
would have disappeared into the crevices between the jumble of asphalt
conglomerate which makes up the Road, causing Chicken to become
irreparably entangled and thereby causing detrimental and deleterious
-- and possibly fatal -- damage to Chicken by any motorcycle, car,
truck, bus, lorry, eighteen wheeler, or any other vehicular mode of
transportation legally able to traverse the Road in question
(dependent entirely upon the weight of the vehicle and the
stress-bearing load capabilities of the asphalt and the substrata
beneath it).  See, Little Red Riding Hood, LLC v. Wolf, Big Bad & Co.,
Inc., (N.D. Cal. 1935), denied on appeal.  It is obvious that this
frivolous case should be dismissed on merit. 

Confucius:  When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence,
and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen
may cross any road in the kingdom safely.

Vito Corleone:  We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.

Darwin:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to
cross roads

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Jacques Derrida:  The question admits of limitless answers, since
there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy
over all others.

Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.

Dilbert:  To establish asynchronous file transfer protocols.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

T.S.Eliot:  To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay
there for a while And then to move onward to a third place.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Epicurus:  For fun.

M.C.Escher:  That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on
at the time.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. 
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep
him down.

William Faulkner:  The chicken, weighed down by the burden of a
thousand chickens before her who in the swirling dust of the
lightbespeckled dusk of far fields in the long gone time of Gettysburg
and Cold Harbor and Vicksburg, picked her way through the brown and
muddy road as she sought to relive the faded glory and dying dreams of
Grandmother--Grandmother whose eggs were sacrificed in one swirling
raid upon the General's tent one crisp October morning because Jeb
Stuart was lacking coffee.

Basil Fawlty:  Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.

F. Scott Fitzgerald:  The chicken stood at the side of the road,
intent upon the green light glowing at day's end.

Sigmund Freud:  The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like
all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously
interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a
phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Freud:  The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Robert Frost: I saw the chickens gently drifting from the trees,
              Fall had stolen the last of their green 
              The chilly breath of the first fall freeze 
              Now to wait for the buds of the chicken in spring

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs,
which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Bill Gates:  To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway
(NOT road) and into a world where there's a computer in every home.
Its just where he wanted to go today.

Bill Gates:  I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will
both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3
by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):  I'm not exactly sure why, but right
now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost.
The chicken would be lost!  (sing that one)

Newt Gingrich:  The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative
and not wait for a government-funded traffic light program.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

The Great Gonzo:  Camilla, come back!

Al Gore:  I wasn't there.  I didn't call it.  It didn't make a
political contribution.  I don't think it's a Budhist.  We didn't let
it into the White House---to my knowledge.

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological
explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct
evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to
obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in
sociobiological speculation.

Grandpa:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. 
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.

Joseph Heller:  The chicken had to cross because not crossing meant he
would die, a victim Milo's black market.  Of course, crossing meant he
would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by.  So he could have crossed and
died. Or he could have stayed put and died.  Those were his only
choices, so he had to cross.  Or not cross.

Ernest Hemingway:  To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

Heisenberg:  Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either
observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do
both.

Sir Edmund Hilary:  Because it's there.

Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.

David Hume:  Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein:  It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the
road.

Thomas Jefferson:  All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God
with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

James Joyce:  Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova
eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into
any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.

James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named baby
tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...

James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated
conscience of its race.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences
into being.

Immanuel Kant:  The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross
the road of his own free will.

Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:  I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.

The Kingston Trio:  The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there
is always alone.

Lao-tzu:  The chicken both crosses the road and not-crosses the road
because that is the way of Tao.

[see also Lao Tse, under the T's]

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?  He's into
that kind of thing, you know.

John Locke:  Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

H.P. Lovecraft:  To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of
the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived
save in the dreams of madness.

Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
 also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with
such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely
chicken's dominion maintained.

Machiavelli:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who
cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there
was.

Groucho Marx: Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I
had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced
him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Karl Marx:  She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed
the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its
own preservation.

Fox Mulder:  It was a government conspiracy.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Newton:  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion
tend to cross the road.

Jack Nicholson:  'cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the
(censored) reason.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Friederich Nietzsche:  There was no chicken, no road, no crossing.
There was only an interpretation.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Flannery O'Connor:  The chicken, tail feathers spread, crossed the
road seeking the face of God.

George Orwell:  Because the government had fooled him into thinking
that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really
only serving their interests.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the
road.

Plato:   For the greater good.

Plato:  The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road.
Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads,
imperfectly.

Plato:  Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined in
as much as they are chickens, to cross roads.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:  What road?

Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice
to do so* There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique
to each individual.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Redneck: That was a chicken?! Oh damn Bubba, turn around!

Mr. Rogers:  It wanted to be my neighbor!

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Sappho:  Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair
than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Jean Paul Sartre:  To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

Jean-Paul Sartre: because there was NO EXIT. [from Swedie on REHU]

Jerry Seinfeld:  Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"

Dr. Seuss:
  Did the chicken cross the road?
  Did he cross it with a toad?
  Yes the chicken crossed the road,
  but why he crossed, I've not been told!

Dr. Suess: Did the chicken cross the road? Would a chicken take a
toad? The chicken took the load across the road with a toad.

O.J. Simpson:  It didn't.  I was playing golf with it at the time.

B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences, which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that
it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own freewill.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care.  Catch it.  Crack its eggs to make my
omlette.

Joseph Stalin:  I don't care.  Catch it.  Put it in prison.  I need
its eggs to make my omelet--for the good of the many, of course.

Oliver Stone:  The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.

Lao Tse:  Those who cluck do not know.  Those who know do not cluck.

[See also Lao-tzu, under the L's.]

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Tyson:  I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

Darth Vader:  She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Virgil:  Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the
road To the other side driven by fate, came at last to the foot Of the
"don't walk" sign...

Dionne Warwick: Now even chickens can call for their free 10 minute
reading. "your sign is coming into the 3rd house of Peterbuilt, I see
you crossing a path of some sort, there are lines on the path. . .umm.
. . your lucky number is 14 (click!)"

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in
1776.  But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie
during the duration.

Oscar Wilde:  This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them
are equally shallow.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being
which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Xeno:  The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an
infinitessimal number of segments between him and the other side.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Brenda, on REHU: Babylon 5 answers to "Why did the chicken 
cross the road?"]

G'KAR: To free Narn from Centauri oppression.

IVANOVA: No crossing today, crossing tomorrow. There's always a
crossing tomorrow.

KOSH: When the crossing has already started, it is too late for the
chicken to vote.

LONDO: For the glory of the Centauri Empire.

MORDEN: My associates had what it wanted on the other side. Pity it
didn't see the car.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Raymond Plummer, via HAND!]

Tips from the Real World

 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

 2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem
    cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to
    hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is
    mixed with water.

 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
    heavier.

 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
    underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

 6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.

 7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
    Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both
    fit in there.

 8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail
    room and look for a package.

 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
    language web pages into French.

10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get
    an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have
    to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
+---------------------------------------------+
[Star Trek answers to "Why did the chicken cross the road?"]

Dr. Bashir:  It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to
mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

B'Elanna:  I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations
of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Bones:  Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

The Borg:  Crossing the road is irrelevant.  The chicken will be
assimilated.

Chakotay:  Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect
its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Nurse Chapel:  Oh, Spock!

Charlie X:  Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

Chekov:  It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for
the billionth time..did I scream this time?

Dr. Crusher:  If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be
something wrong with the universe.

Data:  The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of
the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate
goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by
an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am
unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to
perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage
of...yes, sir.

Dax:  To get to the other side.  Kurzon might have disagreed with me,
Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...

Geordi:  Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with
women than I do.

Gul Dukat:  Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can
work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will
be to everyone's satisfaction.

Harry:  I don't know, it's my first mission.

HoloDoc:  How should I know?  No one tells me anything around here.  I
didn't even know we added chickens to the crew.  All I know is that it
would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the
road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Mr. Homn:

Hugh the Borg:  Maybe it just needed a big hug!

Jake:  Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Janeway:  Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha
Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Kes:  It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed
roads all the time!  They lost those abilities because they stopped
using them!

Khan:  With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Kira:  It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Kirk:  You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD,
you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Lwaxana:  Oh, Jean-Luc!

Harvey Mudd:  Chicken?  I don't remember any chicken.  No no no,
there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

The Grand Nagus:  Stupid chicken!  You don't cross the road all at
once!  You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Neelix:  Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens
in this system.  But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

O'Brien:  No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Odo:  I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Paris:  Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're
wearing.

Picard:  There are four lights!

Q:  Wouldn't you like to know?  Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't
be able to comprehend the answer.

Quark:  Who, me?

Riker:  I don't know why, but I know how:  with pleasure, sir.

Gene Roddenberry:  To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

Sarek:  Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

Scotty:  Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Sisko:  It was seeking deeper meaning.  Jake, do you see what we've
learned from all this?

Dr. Soran:  His heart just wasn't in it.  (Scenes of chicken torture
with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Spock:  Fascinating, Captain.

Sulu:  Don't call me Tiny!

Tasha:  That depends...was it fully functional?

Troi:  I feel the chicken's pain!

Tuvok:  That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior
officer.  It makes the junior officers nervous.

Uhura:  Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

V'Ger:  To join with the Creator.

Wesley:  I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these
systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal
whootchacallit on the computers and...

Worf:  KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by BJ Birdie, on REHU]
Cross Bred Dogs

 Pointer + Setter
        Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

  Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
        Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

  Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
        Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

  Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
        Peekasso, an abstract dog

  Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
        Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

  Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
        Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

  Newfoundland + Basset Hound
        Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

  Terrier + Bulldog
        Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

  Bloodhound + Labrador
        Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

  Malamute + Pointer
        Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

  Collie + Malamute
        Commute, a dog that travels to work

  Deerhound + Terrier
        Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

  Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller
        Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

  Bull Terrier + Shitzu
        Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
+------------------------------------------------------------------+
[added by Paul Littlefield, on REHU]
Dachsund + Terrier
 Dachter, a good pet for physicians
+---------------------------------------------+
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task
in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the
following agreement:

 Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and
 the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do
 hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the
 second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position
 as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties,
 i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
 area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way,
 terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
 demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
 being at the option of  the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
 not required by the  aforementioned agreement between the parties. 
 The aforementioned removal  transaction shall include, but not be
 limited to, the following steps: 

  1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
  elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder or
  any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
  (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
  a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. 
   Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light
  Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
  with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
  to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part
  (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the
  party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned
  customary and agreed upon duties.  The foregoing notwithstanding,
  however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party
  of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
  aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the
  first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural
  failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the
  non-negotiable directional codicil  (counter-clockwise) is observed
  by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 

  2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
  Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
  ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
  option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
  a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
  statutes. 

  3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
  the first  part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
  installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). 
  This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
  reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame
  document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
  clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part
(Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons
authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of
illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front
(north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for
the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]
Linguistic Lunacy 


Harlez-vous francais? (Can you drive a French motorcycle?) 
Idios amigos. (We're wild and crazy guys.) 
Veni, VIPi, Vici. (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered.)
J'y suis, J'y pestes. (I can stay for the weekend.) 
Cogito Eggo Sum. (I think, therefore I am a waffle.) 
Rigor Morris. (The cat is dead.)
Repondez s'il vous plaid. (Honk if you're Scots.) 
Que sera, serf. (Life is feudal.) 
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. (The King is dead. No kidding.) 
Posh mortem. (Death styles of the rich and famous.) 
Pro Bozo publico. (Support your local clown.) 
Mon age a trois. (I am three years old.) 
Felix Navidad. (Our cat has a boat.) 
Haste cuisine. (Fast French food.) 
Veni vidi vice. (I came, I saw, I partied.) 
Quip pro quo. (A fast retort.) 
Aloha oy! (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should 
never know.) 
Mazel ton. (Lots of luck.) 
Apres Moe, le deluge. (Larry and Curly get wet.) 
Porte Kochere. (Sacramental wine.) 
Ich liebe rich. (I'm really crazy about having dough.) 
VISA la France. (Don't leave the chateau without it.) 
Ca va sans dirt. (And that's not gossip.) 
Merci rien. (Thanks for nothin'.) 
Amicus puriae. (Platonic friend.) 
L'etat c'est moo. (I"m bossy around here.) 
L'etat, c'est Moe. (All the world's a stooge.) 
Fui generis. (What's mine is mine.)
+---------------------------------------------+
  BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!
   THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, and tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year.  Most of these deaths are
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen
monoxide do not end there.  Prolonged exposure to its solid form
causes severe sweating and tissue damage.  Symptoms of DHMO ingestion
can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated
feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.  For those
who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

 Dihydrogen monoxide:
 * is the major component of acid rain.
 * contributes to the "greenhouse effect".
 * may cause severe burns.
 * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
 * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
 * may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
 * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today.  But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice.  In
the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property
damage.

 Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
 * as an industrial solvent and coolant.
 * in nuclear power plants.
 * in the production of Styrofoam.
 * as a fire retardant.
 * in many forms of cruel animal research.
 * in the distribution of pesticides.  Even after washing, produce
remains contaminated by this chemical.
 * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal.  The impact
on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

 THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED

The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance
to the economic health of this nation."  In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it
during warfare situations.  Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network.  Many store large quantities for later use.

 IT'S NOT TOO LATE

Act NOW to prevent further contamination.  Find out more about this
dangerous chemical.  What you don't know CAN hurt you and others
throughout the world.  Send e-mail to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE
to:
 Coalition to Ban DHMO
 211 Pearl St.
 Santa Cruz, CA 95060
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau, via UGA Humor List]

HOLLYWOOD YES MEN

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose
job it is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB," "Right,
CB" and so on.  Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in
fact that he was unable to function.  So he consulted a psychiatrist. 
The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man
that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings, and say
"No."

"But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.

The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to
the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can
yell 'NO!' to your heart's content and no one will be the wiser."

Well, the Yes Man decided to try it.  He went to the Grand Canyon and
found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said,
"no."  It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No."  Even
better!  Soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of
his lungs and feeling great.

He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the
proper enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand
Canyon and say "NO!"  Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon
every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"

A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a
release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of
them seemed to be taken.  He hunted and hunted, but every place he
found was already taken by another Yes Man.

Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of
its size.  Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said
"No." It felt great!  So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!"
and in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death.  Which just
goes to prove "A Little No Ledge Can Be a Dangerous Thing."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Doug McNees, via UGA Humor List]

                THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (And probably wishes he had)


--The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

--The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the
  government will find a way to tax them.

--One problem with some of the new wonder drugs is the side
  effects -- like near bankruptcy.

--Every man has a secret ambition to outsmart horses, fish,
  and women.

--The trouble with doctors is that when they make a mistake,
  it is usually a "grave" error.

--It seems to me that this new Republican Congress has really
  been NEWTERED.

--My doctor calls it Rheumatism, but Im prefer to think of it as
  "twinges in the hinges."

--Middle age is the time of life when everything starts to wear out,
  fall out, or spread out.

--The news reported yesterday that someone had turned up missing.
  Well for heaven's sake, if he "turned up," how could be be
  missing?

--The one book that always has a sad ending is the check book.

--Visitors from "The Society to Beautify our Neighborhood" came
  by our house yesterday.  They asked my wife to keep me indoors
  as much as possible.

--Sometimes a movie hero is the one who sits through it.

--If you're good in this life you'll merit everlasting bliss--
  if not, you merit an everlasting blister.

--The only way you would know that my Dad has a glass eye is if
  it comes out in the conversation.

--The resident psychiatrist at Yellowstone Park uses sleeping
  bags instead of couches.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8873/ ]

Death Star to Open Day Care Center 

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the
Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-distroying space station,
has added a new, state-of-the-art day care centre to its already vast
array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care centre, which,
according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning
environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already
begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by
July 1. 

"Nothing can stop the SunShine Death Star Play and Learning Centre,"
the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms,
outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care
power." Though still several weeks away from full strength, the
popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck
Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel the hatred flow
through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically
chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside
of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!" 

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities,
children at the SunShine Death Star Day Care Centre have already
witnessed the destruction of several planets out the centre's giant
bay window. Last Friday, in the middle of colouring activity, the
planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who
witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole
exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in
Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the
loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother,
father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron
of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room
and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her. 

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the centre sprang up
after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality,
affordable child care options on the Death Star. "As a storm trooper
and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care
centre," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe,
nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn." Added Gail
Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work with me becuase I
couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to
operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?" 

As excited as most are about the new day care centre, a few
extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death
Star's reactor core. 

"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to
the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small
rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and
enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a
single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space
station." Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such
a shot as "a million to one." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Barbara, on REHU]

"Happily Addicted to the Web"
(to be sung to the tune of "Winter wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
>From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered Letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

WORK RULES

1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept
your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all
of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed
certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange
for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can
let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach
someone else your job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with
"A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable
to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do
enough.

7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Cherise]

Have you seen these signs?

Art gallery
   We speak: English, French, Spanish, German, Russian - American
   understood

Butcher shop
   Fresh kosher meat - We kill ourselves two times a day

Clothing & Linen shop
   Sale - women's panties - tablecloths to match

Clothing store
   Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

Corset salon
   1) We have fits
   2) Budapest Corset Salon - Fittings in the rear

Country shop
   We buy junk and sell antiques

Doctor's office
   Women - and other diseases

Dress shop window
   Don't stand outside and faint - come in and a have a fit

Florida maternity ward
   No children allowed

French hotel
   In the event of fire, the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down
   the corridor to warn the chambermaid

Funeral parlor
   Ask about our layaway plan

Garden shop
   Up these steps for the sunken garden

Health Food store
   Closed due to illness

Japanese hotel
   Sports jackets may be worn, but no trousers

Laundromat
   Automatic washing machines - please remove all your clothes when
   the light goes out

London department store
   Bargain basement upstairs

Los Angeles dance hall
   Good clean dancing every night but Sunday

New York convalescent home
   For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church

New York restaurant
   Customers who consider our waitresses rude ought to see the
   manager

Newly painted park bench
   Wet paint, watch it or wear it

Office
   Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring
   it back or further steps will be taken

Oregon store
   Why go anywhere else and be cheated when you can come here?

Pennsylvania cemetary
   Persons are forbidden from picking flowers from any but their own
   graves

Pet shop
   No dogs allowed

Restroom in a London office building
   Toilet out of order - use floor below
+---------------------------------------------+
[all from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List]

The President

In the old days, it was simple.  Take the "Hot Line" telephone
between us and the USSR for example.  All the President had to do was
pick it up and say, "Sorry, it seems a Dr. Strangelove has just
launched 172 ICBM's your way." and everything was fine.

Now though, with the break-up of the Soviet Union, and countries in
upheaval and changing names and all, we gotta have umpteen of the
damn things.

Can't you just imagine how it might be ?  Clintin picks up a phone
and a recording sez "I'm sorry, you have just reached a disconnected
nation.  Please hang up and try another phone." 
- - - - -

And then the bean-counters in the GAO step in, all worried about the
costs of all these lines and try to insist the President only use
them after 9:00 P.M. when the rates are cheaper. 
- - - -

The President planned a news conference this week to try to calm the
jitters of the investors over Wall Street's antics.  He had planned
to have a lot of charts and graphs to show everything was alright.
The session had to be canceled though.  Seems Chelsea took all the
crayons in the White House with her when she went away to college. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Ancient Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial
revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to
communicate:

This fire help.  Me Groog

Me Lorto.    Help.  Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn
Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill Edwards, via UGA Humor List]

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down
and look comfortable.

You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer
recliner.

I called the suicide hot line yesterday and when I told him how much
money I lost in the market, he told me to just go ahead.

Would it be racist to have a white million man and a white million
woman march in Washington?

If you really want a gourmet meal, try Beanie Weenies with soda
crackers and a big dill pickle.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I
don't care.

Beauty is in the eyes of teh beer holder.

Wouldn't it be great if there as an "edit undo" button in life?

If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years
you'll be in upper management!

I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is
until I found out that her first name was Always!

No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad
example.

I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up!

I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches
too short.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/7946/ ]

Computer tag lines

     Not tonight, dear. I have a modem. 

     "Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates 

     My poor mouse only has one ball. 

     Bugs come in through open Windows. 

     Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups! 

     COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer. 

     I am built for comfort, not speed! 

     I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. 

     "I am logged in, therefore I am." 

     The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL? 

     Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> 

     Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip... 

     WINDOWS ERROR #004: Operator fell asleep while
     waiting. 

     Windows NT: Only 16 megs needed to play Minesweeper! 

     Windows NT: The world's only 80 megabyte Solitaire game! 

     Wanna flirt with disaster? Become a SysOp! 

     Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time. 

     Now available: Windows for Windows! 

     What's so great about humans anyway? 

     586, 32Mb 40ns RAM, 4Gb 2ms HD. Now Windows will
     beat DOS! 

     All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? 

     Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS. 

     WindowError:01F Reserved for future mistakes. 

     Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE] 

     Windows isn't a virus... Viruses do something... 

     WindowError:005 Multitasking attempted. System confused. 

     Double your drive space - delete Windows! 

     B.Gates : quality software :: R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine 

     Break up a relationship - buy a computer!! 

     Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows. 

     My other computer is even slower. 

     Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers! 

     All programers are optimists. 

     Bus error (Passengers dumped) 

     Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo! 

     ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive. 

     Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. 

     HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave.
     DAVE! 

     Multitasking causes schizophrenia.. 

     Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

     One person's error is another person's data. 

     I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked. 

     Who needs a virus when we've got OS/2...? 

     (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza 

     *NO CARRIER* -- A Naval Aviator's worst nightmare! 

     Happiness is a BIG hard drive! 

     The name is Baud......, James Baud. 

     E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. 

     Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS 

     Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 

     Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic 
+---------------------------------------------+
~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot!  - The daily clean-jokes-only list! To
join the list, send the message "subscribe" (w/o quotes) to:
laughalot-request@graceweb.org - Start your day off with a laugh! *
Joke Compilations (c) 1997; Permission granted to forward, or post
on other lists/sites; if this notice is fully included, thanks!
+-------------------------------------+ 
Bach once went horse riding and fell off, but he knew quiters never 
win, so he got up and tried again.  He was Bach in the saddle again.
+-------------------------------------+ 
At the celebrity costume party, two men showed up as classical
musicians.  Arnold Schwarzenegger seeing the other, said in his thick
Austrian accent, "You be Motzart... I'll be Bach!"
+-------------------------------------+ 
Bach Lives On!  [As told by by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org]

A story is told of two German men in the 1870's who sneaked into the
cemetery where Johann Sebastian Bach is buried.  You must first
understand that there is a rumor that Bach was buried with
unfinished scores he was working on when he died, and these men were
eager to see if they could be retrieved for their personal gain.

In the dark of night, they began digging at the gravesite and soon
reached the coffin.  But, as they cleared away the dirt, they began
to see a small amount of light emitting from cracks in the coffin! 
They continued clearing until they could crack open the lid -- only
to find *Bach himself*, by the light of a small candle, carefully
erasing the unfinished scores; note by note, line by line!

They just stood there aghast, frozen at the sight of the almost
skeleton-like figure.  They began to tremble, making their shovels
clatter against loose stones among the dirt.  Bach slowly turned his
head up to the men, raised a finger before his lips and whispered,
"Shhhhhhhhhhh!  I'm.... deeeeeeee-commmmmm-pooooosing!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the "Manchester Guardian", via HAND!]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam",
he replied courteously. "Is the resturant open still?" inquired
Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all
night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and tood the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he
replied. "And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple
of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order,
Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night
passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check
out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep
well?"  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food  to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really
weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well,
perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest  Comments
Book. We are always looking to improve our srevice and would value
your opinion," said the receptionist. "Ok I will...thanks!" replied
Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment
into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written.  Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!'' 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

There are SEVERAL ways to solve a problem.  For example, consider the
following from "The Teaching of Elementary Science and Mathematics" by
Alexander Calandra:

The process of creativity is a mysterious and interesting one.  It is
brilliantly described in the following story.  A student refused to
parrot back what he had been taught in class.  When the student
protested, I was asked to act as arbiter between the student and his
professor.

I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question:
'Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building
with the aid of a barometer.'

The student had answered:  'Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street
and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope.  The length of
the rope is the height of the building.'

A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the
answer did not confirm this.  I suggested that the student have
another try at answering the question.  I gave the student six
minutes, with the warning that his answer should show some knowledge
of physics.  In the next minute he dashed off his answer, which read:
'Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge
of the roof.  Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch.
Then, using the formula S = 1/2 a t^2, calculate the height of the
building.'

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up.  He
conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit.

In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said
he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

'Oh, yes.  There are many ways of getting the height of a tall
building with the aid of a barometer.  For example, you could take the
barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer,
the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the
building, and by the use of a simple proportion, determine the height
of the building.'

Fine, I said.  And the others?

'Yes.  Take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs.  As you
climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the
wall.  You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the
height of the building in barometer units.  A very direct method.'

'Finally, there are many other ways of solving the problem.  Probably
not the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the
superintendent's door.  When the superintendent answers, you speak to
him as follows:  "Mr.  Superintendent, here I have a fine barometer. 
If you will tell me the height of this building, I will give you this
barometer".'
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Omitted Definitions From the Dictionary

In 1831, Mr. Webster published the first dictionary of the English
language. Unfortunately, he omitted several definitions - mostly those
related to the daily lives of women. The following definitions,
written from the viewpoint of Mrs. Webster, are to help correct that
oversight.

Aaaack (aak) interj
An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in
the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now.

Airhead (er-hed) n
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n
You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions,
marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner."

Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n
An anti-burglar device.

Children (chil-dren) n
What men become when they get the flu.

Computer (kom-pew-ter) n
The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it
to.

Dog (dawg) n
A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hide in the closet.

Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n
The last two minutes of a football game.

Four Food Groups (for food groops) n
Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips and ice cream.

Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n
What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to
the store.

Home (hom) n
A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.

Idunno (i-dun-no) n
The person who broke your favorite vase.

Jeans (jeenz) n
Blue: Casual wear          Black: Formal wear

Kiss (kis) n
A small token of affection, usually chocolate.

Lipstick (lip-stick) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his
collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Men's Sale (minz sal) n
It's OK to get one on sale, just make sure the store has a good return
policy.

New Age (noo aj) n
The age a woman gives instead of her real age.

Opinion (o-pin-yen) n
Advice you get whether you ask for it or not.

Park (park) v, n
Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After
children, a noun meaning a place with a swing and slide.

Pizza (peet-za) n
An excellent breakfast food.

Pregnancy (pre-nan-see) n
You gain 30 lbs of water weight, but he says "we're pregnant."

Romance Novel (ro-mans-nov-el) n
A completely believable story in which an arrogant, boorish, rude,
cold-hearted cad by day turns into a sensitive, caring, thoughtful,
passionate lover by night.

Screwdriver (skrew-dri-ver) n
A hardware tool designed to be turned around and used as a hammer.

Significant Other (sig-nif-i-kant uth-er) n
A husband, fiance, live-in boyfriend, or someone you've introduced to
your parents.

Stretch Marks (strech marcs) n
Badges of honor.

Teddy Bear (ted-ee bare) n
A companion who gives you a hug whenever you want, never snores,
doesn't bother you when you're talking on the phone and doesn't eat
the last chocolate chip cookie.

Valentine's Day (val-en-tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candelight dinner, diamonds and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Weight Lfting (wate lif-ting) n
What every woman does when she carries her baby, purse and two bags
groceries.

Yippee (yip-ee) interj
What a woman thinks when a man says he'll call--then does.

Zillion (zil-yen) n
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up
doing it yourself anyway.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith Bostic, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

SYMPTOMS OF SEMESTER BURNOUT!

1. When your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the cookie
monster song (C is for cookie, that's good enough for me...)

2. You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on
the final to pass than you have actually spent studying.

3. When you are swamped with homework and spend your time making up a
list like this.

4. When you start showering after class rather than before.

5. The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.

6. When the campus drunk tells you that you should study more.

7. When your favourite paperweight says "Bud Light."

8. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through Monday.

9. When your absence exceeds your attendance.

10. When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you
"might" actually die before the test!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/7946/ ]

Computer tag lines [part 2]

     Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

     Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
     conversing with inanimate objects. 

     ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error... 

     11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 

     Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! 

     DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and
     automate errors. 

     Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny 

     As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 

     My software never has bugs. It just develops random
     features. 

     "Bother," said Pooh, and promptly vanished. 

     Manuals come out, after all possible keystrokes fail. 

     Your password is pitifully obvious. 

     Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G??? 

     It works better when you turn the brightness up. 

     DDT: Debug Program 

     Taglines that make you go "Hmmm..." 

     It's not a bug, it's a feature. 

     "Bother," said Pooh as he reached for the reset button. 

     #define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare. 

     Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? 

     "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is
     coming from. 

     'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' 

     'Profanity: the universal programming language' 

     ... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe 

     A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1,
     1, 1 

     A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what
     you want it to do. 

     A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. 

     ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. 

     After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 

     An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 

     Another megabytes the dust. 
+---------------------------------------------+
