11/9/97

[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                       Fishing with Ruth Ginsberg

Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend
invited her on a fishing trip.  They got to the lake and he suggested
they rent a rowboat.

"No, lets just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she
said. He continued arguing for a while on the merits of both having a
day in the rowboat together.

Finally, she answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading
boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it."

"Why so emotional about a rowboat?" her friend asked.

Justice Ginsberg said:  "I think its long past the time to put the
Rowe vs. Wade argument behind us!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara, on REHU]

You know you live in SF when... 

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings and none are
visible. 

When someone says TENDERLOIN, you don't think steak. You think
danger. 

You make well over $100,000 and still can't find a nice place to
live. 

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. 

You keep of list of companies to boycott. 

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English. 

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than the
CA.State Flag.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, your plumber is gay.

The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady
is gay. 

Old friends you haven't talked to in years call suddenly wondering if
you have a spare bedroom for the weekend?

You think anyone with a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the
Midwest.

You can't remember if pot is legal or not.

You go to your office manager's baby shower and the parents are named
Judy and Becky. 

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a FREE TIBET bumper
sticker--and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and
are willing to fight about it. 

A really great parking spot can move you to tears. 

You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV because the guys are hotter. 

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from
Ohio.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You
don't notice. 

You still can't believe a company doesn't offer domestic partner
benefits. 

You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute
guy/gal who is looking puzzled at a city map. 

When you drive under an underpass you think "earthquake".

You and your boss run "The Bay to Breakers," nude. 

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".

You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved
to the Bay Area.

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class, but can't decide
between Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Own Web Site. 

Your new neighbor goes to temple but you are still not sure if they
are Jewish or Buddhist. 

You realize the only Republicans you know are on t.v. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/3220/ ]

Top 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One word: Hair.
96. Another word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and d$#@ the consequences!! 
92. Kirk never drinks tea.  Ever. 
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. 
89. Two words:  Shoulder Roll. 
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals
arrive for lunch. 
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." 
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale 
population. 
83. Kirk says, "Prime Directive?  What Prime Directive?" 
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the 
Federation. 
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively 
healthy. 
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical 
advantage. 
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off--even around those 
pesky Yeomans. 
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon 
Hill. 
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 
74. One word:  Velour. 
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess. 
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to 
climbing rocks. 
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, 
Stargazer.  When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship 
Enterprise. 
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. 
69. One word:  Iman. 
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and sh$% 
down its neck. 
66. Kirk says, "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." 
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. 
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get 
him out of intergalactic scrapes. 
62. Two words: Funky Sideburns. 
61. Kirk nevers asks his bartender for advice. 
60. Kirk never once said, "Abandon ship!  All hands abandon ship!" 
59. Kirk is not politically correct. 
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic 
busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood 
Forest. 
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely 
be dead. 
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called, "Make it so?"  No?  How about 
a "Beam me up Scotty" then?  See the difference? 
54. One word: Miniskirts. 
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. 
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red 
shirts. 
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the 
trombone. 
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. 
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be 
roughly translated as, "GO F#@! YOURSELF." 
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. 
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan. 
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius 
is. 
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. 
44. Picard never met Joan Collins. 
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. 
42. Picard hasn't fathered any children;  Kirk --probably millions. 
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. 
40. Two words:  Line Delivery. 
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing 
grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay in 
Iowa to put himself through school. 
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. 
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium 
nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his 
enemies. (Need we say more?) 
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. 
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. 
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god.  And won. 
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions.  And if he does, he asks Spock 
only. 
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. 
31. One word: Fisticuffs. 
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. 
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but doesn't let it show. 
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. 
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. 
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for 
resources. 
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to be a musician. 
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries tube and fix anything. 
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. 
22. The Klingon didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met 
Kirk. 
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige. 
20. Two words: Crane Shots. 
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing 
it. 
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really 
cute things, like Tribbles. 
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really 
nice. 
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. 
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL. 
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares 
to call him "four eyes." 
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- 
easily. 
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. 
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them.  When 
Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. 
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana 
hammock on shore leave. 
9.  Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply 
acting ensign. 
8.  Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. 
7.  When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it. 
6.  Three words:  Flying Leg Kick. 
5.  Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. 
4.  Kirk travelled through the Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't 
even impressed. 
3.  Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. 
2.  Kirk would never Chief of Security wear a ponytail. 
1.  One word: Balls.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/7946/ ]

Computer tag lines [part 3]

     Avoid temporary variables and strange women. 

     Close your eyes and press escape three times. 

     Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. 

     Disc space, the final frontier! 

     From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* 

     Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be
     kicked. 

     I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac
     Asimov 

     I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. 

     IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh 

     IBM: Idiots Became Managers 

     IBM: Incompatible Blue Machines 

     IBM: Incredibly Boring Manuals 

     IBM: Install Bigger Memory 

     IBM: Invented By Murphy 

     If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 

     It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! 

     Know Thy User. 

     Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... 

     Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix. 

     One man's constant is another man's variable. 

     Programmers do it bit by bit. 

     Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ... 

     Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. 

     The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program
     in any language. 

     The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 

     There can never be a computer language in which you cannot
     write a bad program. 

     This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. 

     Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who
     cannot teach, HACK! 

     To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. 

     USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue. 

     WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... 

     When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read
     the manual. 

     You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. 

     grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat) 

     How do you make a Mac go faster? Throw it harder 

     Macs accelerate best at 9.8 meters a second. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara on REHU]

Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz,
Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly bored.  She spent her days
just floating around in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz,
hoping for someone to help or inspire.

One day, while floating around in her bubble, she passed over a pond
and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lilly pad. He looked
extremely depressed... She floated down to the toad and asked him what
could be the matter.

"Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are right.  I AM horribly depressed.  I am
completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the
pond are green.  Won't you please help  me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her
magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to green...  That is,
all except his 'private parts.'  They remained bright yellow.

"Good Witch Glenda!  Thank you so much, but my lower extremities!
They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad.  My powers are strong, but
apparently not strong enough.  The only person who may be able to help
you  might be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz."

So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle,
where the Wizard of Oz resided.

Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz,
floating around in her bubble.  As she was passing over a pasture, she
looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed.

"Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are right.  I AM horribly depressed. I am
completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the
pasture are gray.  Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her
magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray...  That
is, all except his 'private parts.'  They remained cheerfully pink.

"Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities!
They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant.  My powers are strong, but apparently
not strong enough.  The only person who may be able to help you might
be the Wizard, the powerful Wizard of Oz."

"Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this fabled 'Wizard
of Oz?'"

And Glenda, The Good Witch said:

"Just follow the yellow-pricked toad!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Maria Rocco]

The Way Named Straight
Tarsus, Province of Syria

My Dear Corinthians:

I, Paul, by the will of God an Apostle, having written twice to you on
several matters of great importance now find myself compelled to write
a third time.

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more.

SHAPE UP!

Paul, by the grace of God, Apostle to the Gentiles
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley]

A POEM

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute
that all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok
life could be so sweet
if we had those special keys
ctrl-and alt-delete

Your boss is mad your bills not paid
your wife, well she's just mute.
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot.

You'd like to have another job
you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew
     ctrl and alt delete

-- Author Unknown
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mark Huth, on REHU]

50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join
in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray
air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down
narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in
so long!..." See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it
for a test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet
away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as
your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized  and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite  them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside
down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why
won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between
them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there
are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the
clerk  if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,
etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart, quickly make off with it.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the  store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't
get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Heidi and Anthony Callahan, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor &
Weird List]

CHRISTIANS AND COMPUTERS
by Anthony Callahan

Being in the technical support industry, you get to experience some of
the most amazing and hilarious examples of human stupidity.  Most
everyone has heard about the Macintosh "cupholder" incident, as well
as the mouse "footpedal" FUBAR.  I, myself have a favorite story about
a man who called himself a "hacker" who managed to delete his
system.ini from Windows 3.1.  (For those of you that are uninitiated,
the system.ini file is required for Windows 3.1 to be able to run at
all_)

Recently I have heard a rash of stories about fundamental Christians
who have had some serious spiritual problems with their computers.  A
woman called a friend of mine in tears because her computer was
"possessed." She told him that all she was trying to do was install
some new software, when suddenly a robed character calling himself
"The Setup Wizard" appeared on her screen.  Of course, this must have
been a demonic minion of Satan!  More likely, a demonic minion of Bill
Gates. You form your own conclusions.

Another call I heard about was a man raising Hell wanting to know why
he had all these icons on his screen.  When the agent tried to explain
why they were there, the man informed him of what a good, God-fearing
Protestant he was, and how he did not hold with all this icon
business.

It seems to me that these people would do better to call a priest than
a technician.  Their problems, after all, are spiritual, not
technical. You wouldn't call a plumber to fix your car, would you? 
And it's not as if the clergy knows nothing about technology -- the
order of monks that originally transcribed the Bible from Hebrew to
Latin have now made it their business to code the holy tome into HTML.
 I know for a fact that the Pope has been spotted in chat, and several
of the churches in my area even have their own web sites.

Wouldn't it be great if you could just have your minister come by and
bless away the bugs in Windows 95?  Or if prayer could improve your
connection speed on the Internet?  Unfortunately, though, I don't
think god ever intended a 56kbps connection.  It should be clear that
the ability to type 80 words per minute is a sin punishable by carpal
tunnel syndrome.  Even the forbidden fruit was an Apple.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is either that deeply religious
people should never involve themselves in computing, or that local
churches should establish their own help desks.  While it might
entertain me immensely to help someone remove a fetish bundle from
their floppy drive, it's obvious that the pious have no need for an
instrument can calculate the Nth digit of Pi.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Doug McNees, via UGA Humor List]

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID
                  (But probably wishes he had)

--You are making progress if each mistake you make is a new one.

--If dogs can think, how can we account for their love of man?

--Maybe the reason we have traffic problems is because the
  traffic has become as dense as the drivers.

--A person isn't really educated unless he has learned how little
  he already knows.

--Many self-made men made their heads oversize.

--One solution to the energy problem is to bale up all the
  Government red tape and use it for fuel.

--Sign on a company bulletin board:  "To err is human, to
  forgive is not company policy.

--Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste a little
  bit like chicken?

--Be careful about calling yourself an expert.  An ex is a has-
  been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

--Many of us would be better off financially if it weren't
  for the extravagance of our neighbors.

--An ounce of facts is worth a ton of arguments.

--Keeping peace in the family requires patience, love, and under-
  standing -- and at least two TV sets.

--A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking so much.  A tactful
  man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her
  lips are closed.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Alice Bryan, via "Wit & Wisdom"]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS I LEARNED FROM MY CAT

Be finicky.  They'll try harder to please you.

Give attitude.  Get attention

If you don't like your presents, sulk

Never tell your age.

If you get bored at your party, just curl up for a nap.

Don't stress out over your first gray whisker.

Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.

Paws and reflect on what life has given you.

Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you you're allowed to
hiss and spit.

Take the day off and lie in the sun.

Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.

It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.

Act catty.

Toy with your presents before you tear them open.

Spend some quality time in the litter box.

Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.

If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen yours claws on
somebody's leg.

Don't let anything or anyone put you out.

And remember, curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

Bunch of Nonsense (various mathematical and scientific groups
contributed by readers).  Based on The Book of Saint Albans,
published in 1486.

a residue of complex analysts
a polygon of geometricians (unspecified number of geometricians)
a pentagon of geometricians (5 geometricians)
a circle of geometricians (the limiting number of all geometricians) 
a manifold of topologists (a large group) 
a knot of topologists (a small group) 
a confidence of statisticians 
a figment of Newtonian mechanics 
a quantum of mechanics (the smallest group) 
a vice-presidency of algorithms 
a following of corollaries 
a pit of adders 
an assortment of combinatorialists 
a partial of derivitives 
a snipe of null sets 
a growth of exponentials 
a web of internet users 
a fusion of nuclear physicists 
a cross-section of sub-atomic particle physicists 
a wave of radiation physicists 
a universe of cosmologists 
a bond of chemists 
a compound of synthetic chemists 
a measure of analytical chemists 
a tarball of organic chemists (contributed by an inorganic chemist 
:-)) 
a precipitation of thermodynamic chemists 
a structure of crystallographers 
a cell of microbiologists

and the elegantly pithy contribution of David Jones
sum nerds
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called
MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer
writes JMP or even BRA (branch).  These instructions are frequently
abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary.  Anyone who
has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers
can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. 
Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user
can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers
have a certain set of them in common.  As a service to humanity, I am
here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG     : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM     : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN     : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS     : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR     : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO     : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE     : Fake Serious Error
GSI     : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS     : Go Quarter Speed
HEM     : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD     : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI     : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU     : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF     : Jam Paper Feed
JUM     : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP     : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM     : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW     : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI     : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU     : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG     : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF     : Quit Working Forever
QVC     : Question Valid Command
RWD     : Read Wrong Device
SCE     : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ     : Send Data to Japan
TTC     : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC     : Use Bad Chip
VDP     : Violate Design Parameters
VMB     : Verify and Make Bad
WAF     : Warn After Fact
XID     : eXchange Instruction with Data
YII     : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM     : Zero All Memory
PI      : Punch Invalid
POPI    : Punch Operator Immediately
RASC    : Read And Shred Card
RPM     : Read Programmers Mind
RSSC    : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB    : Rewind Tape and Break
RWDSK   : ReWind DiSK
SPSW    : Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD    : Seek Record and Scar Disk
WBT     : Water Binary Tree
+---------------------------------------------+
Why Captain Janeway is better than Captain Picard...?

1. One word: hair

2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.

3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.

4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.

5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.

6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.

7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0

8. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit they're lost and pull over for directions.

9. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her
way through.

10. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.

11. Looks better in sleepwear.

12. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.

13. Isn't French with an English accent.   **** !! **

15. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering
experience.

17. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly
way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who can't
wake up for morning bells.

18. The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.

19. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.

20. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.

21. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.

22. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of
trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.

23. 15 episodes without surrendering the ship.

24. 15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.

25. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again
take over the ship.

26. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.

27. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in
Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!

28. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network
television.

29. Cheese

30. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to
blend in with a primitive planet.

31. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms
in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

32. Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.

33. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.

34. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).

35. Her telepath only lives nine years.

36. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has
gone before" and took them to the extreme.

37. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day
come to a greater understanding."; Janeway threatens them with "the
deadliest of force."

38. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.

39. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only
Worf could stomach.

40. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.

41. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess
Leia.

42. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy,
Paris, are YOU ever stupid."

43. Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!

44. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.

45. Has a more manly voice.     *** !! **

46. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight
spot.

47. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!

48. Kes. Troi. No contest.

49. Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.

50. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.

51. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.

52. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.

53. Her CONN officer can use contractions.

54. Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.

55. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all
humankind.

56. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.
+---------------------------------------------+
[Composed by Jud McCranie, forwarded by Lee Bradley, via UGA Humor 
List]

Dear Editor,

Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed
Service what he did in the military.  He said, "I was in the Pacific
Theater."  I asked him if any other GIs were with him.  He said "Yes,
there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater."  I asked him how
much time he spent in the Pacific Theater.  He said that he was in
the Pacific Theater every day for five months!

I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I
think that they don't need to be in the movie theater that long. Back
in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on
the beaches of Norway - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the
movie theater who could have been helping out.  And as a Concerned
American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at
the picture show every day for five months.  Of course, all Veterans
were not in the Pacific Theatre, and we should be proud of those who
fought and who made sacrifices.

A Concerned American
+---------------------------------------------+
[from "A Joke A Day"]

Dogs and Restaurants

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinchers and a guy with a Chihuahua. 
The guy with the Doberman Pinchers says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there; we've got
the dogs with us!"

The guy with the Doberman says, "No problem; just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant; the guy with the Doberman puts on
a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. 

The maitre d' says, "Sorry sir, but there are no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This
is my Seeing Eye dog."

The maitre d' says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good."

So the maitre d' tells him that he can come in with the dog.

The guy with the Chihuahua sees his friend's success, so he puts on
a pair of dark glasses and walks in, as well.

Once again, the maitre d' says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You don't understand -- this is
my Seeing Eye dog."

The maitre d' takes a look at the puny little pup and exclaims, "A
Chihuahua?!?"

The dog owner replies, "What!  You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mark Huth, on REHU]

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis,
I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was
discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued
the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So
how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the
professor.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from "A Joke A Day"]

SIGNS!

Maternity Clothes Shop:  We are open on labor day

Non-smoking area:  If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action

On Maternity Room Door:  "Push, Push, Push" 

On a Front Door:  Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog

Optometrist's Office:  If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place

Scientist's Door:  Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:  We really know our stuff

Podiatrist's Window:  Time wounds all heels

Butcher's window:  Let me meat your needs

Used Car Lot:  Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence:  "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive"

Car Dealership:  The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment

Muffler Shop:  No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming

Hotel:  "Help!"  We need inn - experienced people

Auto Body Shop:  May we have the next dents?

Sign in an office:  We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just
left

Veterinarians Waiting Room:  Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

Garbage Truck:  We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Computer Store:  "Out for a quick byte"

Restaurant Window:  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up

Bowling Alley:  Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop

Cafeteria:  Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.  Socks can eat
any place they want

Music Library:  Bach in a minuet

Funeral Home:  Drive carefully, we'll wait
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Greg on REHU]

I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman,
or a sysadmin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts"
were just made to answer:

PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut:  Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman:    Saving lives and property. 
Sysadmin:   Assuring uninterrupted access to 
            alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.

ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
Astronaut:  "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Fireman:    "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Sysadmin:   "DON'T DO IT!  RUN AWAY!"

QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
Astronaut:  "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
Fireman:    "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes
            off?" 
Sysadmin:   "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've
            been getting?"

WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
Astronaut:  Yes!
Fireman:    Occasionally.
Sysadmin:   Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count
            as TV.

WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
Astronaut:  As computers get more and more advanced and able to
            control more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes. 
Fireman:    As more and more people install smoke detectors in their  
            homes, yes. 
Sysadmin:   As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet,  
            absolutely not.

INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut:  "The Right Stuff"
Fireman:    "Backdraft"
Sysadmin:   Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here...  
            "Wargames"?

YOUR WORK HOURS
Astronaut:  Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots
            of time between missions to relax.
Fireman:    24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
Sysadmin:   Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like
            "work millenia."

FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
Astronaut:  Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
            opposite sex.
Fireman:    Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
            opposite sex.
Sysadmin:   You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."

NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut:  A few, from people who think the government should be
            spending its money in different ways.
Fireman:    A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive
            following a 911 call.
Sysadmin:   You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be
            able to count them all.

YOUR VEHICLE
Astronaut:  Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop
            multimillion-dollar rocket.
Fireman:    Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
Sysadmin:   1978 AMC Gremlin.

In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing
in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.

Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting? 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mary Burnett, via REHU]

The Latin Tourist Phrase book

Quid pro quo ... the Sterling exchange rate

Post hoc propter hoc ... a little more white wine wouldn't hurt
us

Ad hoc ... wine not included

Adsum ... small extras on the bill

Exempli gratis ... token tip

Infra dig ... terrible accommodation

Primus inter pares ... the stove has fallen in the fire

Compos mentis ... mint sauce

Carpe diem ... fish frying tonight

Non anglii, sed angeli ... fishing absolutely prohibited

Curriculum ... Indian restaurant

Causus belli ... gastro-enteritis

Sic transit gloria mundi ... the nausea will pass away and you'll be
fine by Monday

O tempora! O Mores! ... The Times is no more, alas

Quis custodiet custodes ipsos? ... Do you keep the Guardian?

Post meridiem ... the mail does not arrive untill midday

Fiat lux ... car wash

Rara avis ... car hire available

Volenti non fit injuria ... the accident was caused by a badly
fitted steering wheel

Reductio ad absurdam ... road narrows

Nil abstat ... River Nile impassable

Nil desperandum ... River Nile overflowing

De minimus non curat lex ... Lex garages cannot undertake to
service small cars

Terminus ad quem ... bus station for the small Romanian town,
Quem

Cacteris paribus ... restuarant facilities are available on the
Paris coach

Post mortem ... mail strike

Expostfacto ... not known at this address

Sub rosa ... a rather unattractive Italian girl

Sal volatile ... a rather attractive Italian girl

Gloria in excelsis ... a very attractive Italian girl

Noli me tangere ... I do not wish to dance with you

Ars longa, vita brevis ... unsuitable bathing costume (literally: big
bottom, small briefs)

Hic jacet ... old-fashioned coat

Ecce homo ... gay bar

Timeo Danaos et Dona Ferentes ... that nice couple we met in
Portugal

Mens sans ... male massage parlour

Ex libris ... dirty books

Ex cathedra ... ruined church

Inter alia ... an Italian airline

Summa cum laude ... peak holiday period

In loco parentis ... railway family compartment

Quondam ... part of Holland reclaimed from the sea

Dum spiro ... stupid Greek person

Festoma lente ...shops shut on Continent for Lenten holiday

Aut Caesar aut nihil ...an italian football result

Tertium quid ... 33 pence
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Sue Sevin, via UGA Humor List]

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy
saw a honey bee.  He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee,"   his father said, "one of our friends, and
for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

A little while later, the boy saw a butterfly.  He ran over and
stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our
friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his
plain toast (no honey or butter).  Suddenly, a cockroach ran from
under the stove and his mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said,
"Are you going to tell her or should I?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Terry Galan, via UGA Humor List]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but
she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband
says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then
let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot
even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go
to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all
this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want
you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she
is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune
with my financial needs as a Man!!!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley, on REHU]

A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
          =============================================

  Phrase:  It has long been known
  Translation: I haven't bothered to look up the reference

  Phrase:  It is believed
  Translation:  I think

  Phrase:  It is generally believed
  Translation:  A couple of other guys think so, too

  Phrase:  It is not unreasonable to assume
  Translation:  If you believe this, you'll believe anything

  Phrase:  Of great theoretical importance
  Translation:  I find it kind of interesting

  Phrase:  Of great practical importance
  Translation:  I can get some mileage out of it

  Phrase:  Typical results are shown
  Translation:  The best results are shown

  Phrase:  3 samples were chosen for further study
  Translation:  The others didn't make sense, so we ignored them

  Phrase:  The 4 hour sample was not studied
  Translation:  I dropped it on the floor

  Phrase:  The 4 hour determination may not be significant
  Translation:  I dropped it on the floor, but  scooped most of it up

  Phrase:  The significance of these results is unclear
  Translation:  Look at the pretty artifact

  Phrase:  It has not been possible to provide definitive answers
  Translation:  The experiment was negative, but at least I can
           publish the data somewhere

  Phrase:  Correct within an order of magnitude
  Translation:  Wrong

  Phrase:  It might be argued that
  Translation:  I have such a good answer for that objection that I
           shall now raise it

  Phrase:  Much additional work will be required
  Translation:  This paper is not very good, but neither are all the
           others in this miserable field

  Phrase:  These investigations proved highly rewarding
  Translation:  My grant is going to be renewed!

  Phrase:  I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for
           useful discussions on the interpretation of the data
  Translation:  X did the experiment and Y explained it to me.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tina Gunther via Nick's Humor List and "Wit & Wisdom"]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne da bathtub; I'm dwownding!

================

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Wayne.
Wayne, who?
Wayne, wayne, go away; come again some other day!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe, who?
Canoe come over and play?

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amos
Amos, who?
A mosquito bit me!  Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Andy.
Andy who?
Andy bit me again!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish, who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas; Irish you a Merry Christmas!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, it's only me!!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive
Olive, who?
Olive you (I love you.)

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hands.
Hands who?
Hands up! You're under arrest!.

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Itsa.
Itsa who?
Itsa me, silly!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Is there an owl in here?

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wanda..
Wanda, who?
Wanda come over and play with me?

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Is there an echo in here?

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce out!  It's cold in here!

================

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel! Little old lady-hoo!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Brian]

With those dreary days now upon us, what better time to check out
these self-improvement courses for winter!

SELF-IMPROVEMENT
  RI 500 - Creative suffering
  RI 501 - Overcoming Peace of Mind
  RI 502 - You and Your Birthmarks
  RI 503 - Guilt Without Sex
  RI 504 - The Primal Shrug
  RI 505 - Ego Gratification Through Violence
  RI 506 - Moulding your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
  RI 507 - Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
  RI 508 - Whine your Way To Alienation
  RI 509 - How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence and
           Ostentation
  RI 510 - How to Cope with Jet Lag
  RI 511 - How to Improve your Horoscope
  RI 512 - How to Relax and Let your Lawn Grow
  RI 513 - Classic TV Guide Literature
  RI 514 - Recalling Bad Jokes
  RI 515 - Reciting Monty Python
  RI 516 - Repair and Maintenance of your Virginity

BUSINESS AND CAREER
  RD 01 - How I made $100 in Real Estate
  RD 02 - Money Can Make You Rich!
  RD 03 - Packaging and Selling your Children
  RD 04 - Career Opportunities in El Salvador
  RD 05 - How to Profit from your Genetalia
  RD 06 - The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business
          Opportunities
  RD 07 - Tax Shelters for the Indigent
  RD 08 - Looters' Guide to American Cities
  RD 09 - Mortgage Reduction Through Arson
  RD 10 - Retirement as a Career for Ages 16 through 26
  RD 11 - Reading Between the Lines
  RD 12 - Profit from your own Funeral
  RD 13 - Tricking your own Mother for Money
  RD 14 - Daring to be a Beggar
  RD 15 - Gambling your way to prosperity
  RD 16 - Making money from TV Guide Study
  RD 17 - Piracy

ECONOMICS
  LJ 401 - Europe on $5000 per day
  LJ 402 - Pen and Pencil repair
  LJ 403 - Convert your KIRBY Vacuum to a Fully Automatic Rifle
  LJ 404 - How to Convert your Family Room into a Garage
  LJ 405 - Burglarproof your Home with Cement
  LJ 406 - Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
  LJ 407 - Sinus Drainage at Home
  LJ 408 - 1001 Uses for your KIRBY Vacuum
  LJ 409 - Financing your KIRBY Vacuum
  LJ 410 - How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
  LJ 411 - Christianity and the Art of R.V. Maintenance
  LJ 412 - Cat Hair Macrame
  LJ 413 - What to Do with your Conversation Pit
  LJ 414 - Inexpensive Lawn Care Through Cement

HEALTH AND FITNESS
  JC 201 - Itchy-gitchy-goo-Kwon-Do: The Martial Art for frady cats
  JC 202 - Creative Tooth Decay 
  JC 203 - Exorcism and Acne 
  JC 204 - The Joys of Hypochondria 
  JC 205 - High Fiber Sex 
  JC 206 - Suicide for your Health 
  JC 207 - Understanding Female Nudity (already full) 
  JC 208 - Biofeedback and how to Stop your Heart 
  JC 209 - Skate Yourself to Regularity 
  JC 210 - Understanding Male Nudity 
  JC 211 - Tap Dance your way to Ridicule 
  JC 212 - Dressing Right/Dressing Left - it can  change your life 
  JC 213 - The Braille System of Anatomy 
  JC 214 - Impersonating a Doctor

ARTS AND CRAFTS
  BD 301 - Bad Modern Art Appreciation
  BD 302 - Old Architecture: GOOD! New Architecture: BAD!
  BD 303 - Self-Actualization through Macrame
  BD 304 - Needlecraft for Junkies
  BD 305 - Cuticle Crafts
  BD 306 - Gifts for the Senile
  BD 307 - Bonsai your Pets
  BD 308 - How to Draw a Navel
  BD 309 - Stained Glass for your Car's Windshield
  BD 310 - Sculpting your Facial Hair
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Top Ten Things To Say To Wake Up Your Shrink

10. "Enough about depression, let's talk about my abduction by space
aliens"

9. "Did Luke and Laura find the "Ice Princess" yet?

8. "Wanna go out for some beers?"

7. "I know you didn't ask for one, but I brought you a stool sample."

6. "Boy, that Paxil makes me sleepy, I've had to cut back to one quart
of vodka a day."

5. "I've been getting these intense cravings for human blood, is that
normal?"

4. "You know, that Jeffery Dahmer wasn't such a bad guy."

3. "While I'm here, would you mind having a look at my hemmoroids?"

2. "Is that a hair-piece?"

And the Number One Thing to say to wake up your shrink: (Drum roll
please...)

1. "Is that diploma real?"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Funny Town <feedback@funnytown.com> via "Keith's Mostly Clean 
Humor & Weird List]

THE BATHROOM DECENCY ACT OF 1997

Funny Town Media (http://www.funnytown.com/), in response to the
Communications Decency Act of 1996 would like to hereby propose that
we take the next step towards a family-friendly society.  Please read
the following summary of our intended proposal and then show your
support by writing to your local government representatives:

Since the first public bathrooms were installed under government
contract in the early 1900's, their potential was realized and traffic
became too much to adequately maintain with limited government
funding. Therefore it was decided, with the intent to provide the
highest quality facilities to consumers, the public bathroom network
should be commercialized.

Today in the 1997, even though the government still owns and operates
a significant portion of the public bathroom network, the majority of
the public bathrooms in use are privately held.  Along with this
transformation to a more commercialized public bathroom network, these
popular public resources have become ports for drug trafficking and
terrorist activities, galleries of sexually explicit artwork, and
generally a disgraceful blemish in the fabric of this great nation of
ours.

Parents today are faced with the impossible challenge of raising
children in a safe family environment, without any control over what
their children might encounter in one of these essential facilities.
This problem extends from public schools to the popular Denny's family
restaurants.

Only through government regulation can we put in place the safeguards
required to keep minors from being exposed to this seamy underbelly of
American society.  Therefore legislature is required to force bathroom
providers to keep their facilities wholesome and family oriented, or
restrict access to minors.  Such regulation could make America's
thunder mugs again a shining beacon of our country.

Now, we realize the burden to implement such regulation ultimately
falls to the public bathroom providers and to them we propose the
following solutions:

A Public Bathroom Rating System:

The current "Men"/"Women" rating system is woefully inadequate to
gauge the activity found in modern bathrooms.  We suggest "G", "PG",
"R", "X", "XXX" be applied to the current bathroom ratings.  Monitors
will be required to enforce these ratings.  (An experimental "V-Chip
for Kids" is already in production.)

An Adult Verification System:

Adults may apply for an "adult password" and after providing proof of
their age, they will be issued a password that will grant them access
to "adult" public bathroom facilities.  Non-passworded facilities will
be required to maintain a level of decency as set by current social
standards.

If you would like more information about the Bathroom Decency Act of
1997, please write to "bda@funnytown.com" or visit
"http://www.funnytown.com/", before the iron fist of the government
shuts us down.
+---------------------------------------------+
PROFILE OF A NETAHOLIC
copyright 1997 by Tracy Marks
Windweaver Web and W95 Resources  http://www.windweaver.com
(May be reproduced as long as above credit is given)

PERSONAL STATISTICS
name: cybercyndy@cybernut.net
address: http://www.alwayspluggedin.com
phone number: 613.432.3415
domain: login cabin at Homesite, Geocities in the Netherlands
language:  html, binhex, javascript, cyne language
birth: Juno, 1969 in Arpanet
death: January 1, 2000

FAMILY
married: don't remember; once was cyngle
   still searching for my mirror site
   can't find any embodied persons with whom I click
children: archie@cybernut.net,  veronica@cybernut.net
mother, Tilde, Ms.Dos, died in 1995, now in the Netherworld
father: My I.S.P. is cybernut.net; he was Pop3
siblings: 731 cybersiblings, gender unknown
pets: Browser, a cyberdog; a moo-cow named Pegasus;
      Arpa, a gopher

BODY AND APPEARANCE
sex: cybernecking
operating system: baud, mousey, but often a hot bot
height: 480     width: 640     stature: compaq
unusual features:  webbed feet
number of feed: dos
health problems: recovering from a virus; prone to a hacking
     cough; frequently cyck; terminal diagnosis;
vision: eyecyte 600/800 pixels
clothing:  always wears a zipped macintosh; known also to
  to wear shareware, softwear, hardwear
doctor: Dr. HTML

EDUCATION AND OCCUPATION
education: got my scroll at Virtual University
major: ergonomics
grade average: c++
occupation: uniform resource locator; net work
previous occupations: school monitor
publications: ask my agent

POSSESSIONS AND INCOME
net worth: 5.2 gigabytes
income: POP3
means of transportation: cable modem
vehicle: explorer
license plate http www

PERSONAL PREFERENCES
favorite color: Eudora green
hobbies: lurking, surfing, browsing, chatting, flaming,
       filing, trashing, downloading, uploading, reloading
favorite activity: searching
favorite place: iquest.net
favorite music: opera, Iomega jaz
creative talents: mime
reading: OpenText; cybrary books
favorite tv show: Dragnet
travel: by webcamera; to Java, various ports and netscapes,
      and alta vistas
sports: metacrawling; surfing; playing cache
relaxation: MUD baths;
favorite restaurant: Hard Drive Cafe
eating habits: downloading applets, cookies, bytes of spam
affiliations: Mouseketeers
memberships: 371 mailing lists
Friday night activities: hanging out at the toolbar
what you want for Christmas: an optimized gif

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE
diagnosis: hyper; easily nettled; fuzzy logic
attention span: c-span, 3 seconds
speed: 450mhz; known to drag when network is slow
favorite sayings: ICQ; Yahoo!; I think Icon I think Icon;  No Wais
least favorite saying: faq you 
traumatic experiences: when there was no mail in my inbox;
      when I was framed
happiest experiences: double clicking; pressing the escape
      key;  linking urls
gender orientation: attracted to hotmail connections,
      prefer men inclined to drag
sense of humor: baudy
earliest memory: ibm
strengths: a committed server
flaws: lacks resolution;  lets go of the control key prematurely;
    shift too easily; too quick to press the send button; takes
    too much download time
criminal record: once arrested for palette flashing
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

The experimental salt-water algae farm was having difficulty
because of the depletion of the plants by hundreds of sea gulls.
An ornithologist was hired to solve the problem. His solution
was to grow cannabis sativa plants along the rim of the algae
tanks. The terns would nibble at the cannabis and leave the
algae alone. Cost was the only factor. He was sent to the Chief
Financial Officer to get approval. "Certainly, spend all that is
necessary" he was told, "Leave no tern unstoned." ...

And then there was the naval commander that ordered that all
band practices take place aft. He wanted to be certain that he
left no stern untoned.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Dick Gorrell]

Big Busted Women...

.. can get a taxi on the worst days
.. have a neat place to carry spare change
.. have always been the center of the arts (art)
.. make jogging a spectator sport
.. can keep a magazine dry while laying the tub
.. have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
.. usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
.. can always carry a little extra
.. always float better
.. know where to look first for lost earrings
.. rarely lack  for a slow dance partner
.. have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless 
recliner

Small Busted Women...

.. don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
.. always look younger 
.. find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap 
.. can always see their toes and shoes 
.. can sleep on their stomachs 
.. have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars 
.. know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts 
.. know that everything more than a handful is wasted .
. can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle 
.. can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking 
themselves out
[from Nermie, via UGA Humor List]

Aim High, drink beer
--------------------

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and
validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and
engineering performance.  It also explains why, after a few short
years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers
cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those
few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic
consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved
during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its
technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  Get back
into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to
be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you
could have.

Aim High, drink beer! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Maria Rocco]

Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

 The Best and Worst Comments Received
 ====================================

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all
on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?  That's the
way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. 
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
class."

"Help!  I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."

"Recitation was great.  It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then
solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching.  My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started
drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in
all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have
used the text."

"What's the quality of the text?  `Text is printed on high quality
paper."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                           BEST RUM CAKE EVER

Ingredients:
1 C butter 1 tsp  baking soda
1 C sugar  1 tsp salt
4 large eggs  lemon juice
1 C dried fruit  1 C brown sugar
1 tsp baking powder nuts
1 or 2 quarts rum

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. (Pretty good,
huh?) Now go ahead.

Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again as it
must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the finest quality, pour
one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat, if
needed.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 C of the butter in a large fluffy bowl
and add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Cry
anuther tup. Open second quart, if necessary.

Add 2 arge eggs. 2 cups fried druit and beat til high. If druit get
stuck in beaters, just pry loose witha drewsciver.

Sample rum again to check for tonscisticity

Next, sift 3 cups od salt oar anythink. it really doesn't matter.

Sample the rlum.

Sift half pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained
nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can
find, and mix mell. Grease over an turn cake pan to 350 gredees.

Now poor the whole mess into the boven and ake.

Check the rum again and bo to ged.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr, via UGA Humor List] 

The Yuppies in Columbia Maryland have yet another game to impress
people.  Forget all about name dropping.  I mean any lowbrow with a
couple of thousand dollars and a few McDonald's coupons can get into
the White House. I mean, "Heavens dahling, circle the Beamers, the
great unwashed are everywhere these days."

Anyway this is a new status symbol called "Place Dropping." The
object of the game is to work the name of some a foreign city very
casually into the conversation.  If nobody else has been there, you
are given 10 points and can talk without interruption the remainder
of the evening.

The trick is to slip in the fact that you've been to a place w/o
actually coming right out and saying so.  For example, you'd say, "I
just can't get used to the speed of air travel these days.  Why this
time yesterday, I was having lunch in Wein-- pardon, or as you
probably know it, Vienna."

See, part of the game is to also sprinkle the conversation with
foreign words too; you would say Munchen instead of Munich. One lady
said she had put on 7 pounds with good old German dunkles Bier.

As a rule, female droppers are subtle.  At a cocktail party I was
attending, a guest asked the hostess if she had gotten her
tablecloth in Portugal.  Getting a negative response she said with a
smile, ever so condescending, "You really ought to go to Lisbon
sometime. They have the most beautiful linen."

Men on the other hand prefer the direct shot.  My host stood in the
center of the room and said, "Pretty good stuff, huh ?  Brought it
back from Scotland myself." as he toasted his guests.

A discussion then broke out over whether fermented seal blubber from
Iceland or Mongolian yak milk was tastier; a coconut drink from
"Ind-juh" and a distilled cactus juice from "May-heeco" were also in
the running, but pretty much tied for third place.  The Caipirinha
from Brazil seemed to be running last.

I didn't hear how the game came out.  I ducked around the corner for
a beer.  The bartender said it wasn't like the stuff one can get in
Dublin, though. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

QUICK CHECK
author unknown

You just awake... your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus.....still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee......can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker.....and put the mug to your lip

The feeling is warm.... just what you need
But you know you need more....and its something to read
The paper you say??? no...dont think so.. not it...
Its much more exciting... you cant wait to "click"...

You boot up your puter.......you click that icon...
Cant keep from grinning.... your really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted....all the friends that you'll meet.

And then you see it.......you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "youve got mail" waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!.... you look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail.... and you knew you were right!!

So you go thru the mail..... knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that....as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click
You know you must hurry......you gotta be quick!

It is then that you hear it.... You cant wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter... who's name will it be?
And then there it is..... covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound....Oh..you know what that means!!!

"Quick mail check" you promised....you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM.... and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to.... and respond  you will
So you stop what your doing.. and go for the thrill!

You "LOL" and "BRB",  give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words... refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Allan Hjerpe, on REHU]

With the festive day fast approaching, perhaps it is not too early
to pass on my invaluable hints on achieving the perfect Thanksgiving
Feast.

First, if you so desire, the turkey can be plucked before cooking,
and the feathers can be served separately, as a garnish.

Most importantly, the turkey should be stuffed BEFORE it is boiled.
Thus, the dressing will be kept moist.

Many epicures suggest that in making cherry pie, the dish can be
improved by first pitting the cherries. Apple pie may be improved by
cutting the apples into smaller pieces rather than using them whole.
The same applies to pumpkin pie.

Lastly, if you are having strawberry shortcake to finish off the
feast, be sure to use NO SUGAR in the whipped cream, as the sugar
will mask the flavor of the anchovies. 
+---------------------------------------------+
