11/18/97

[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

Letter to the Editor, The Cave Mail, circa 1,000,000 BC:

SIR -

I was literally horrified by the amount of space you gave to
the invention of the so-called "wheel".  Those who buy these unsafe
objects have more money than sense.  Anyone in their right minds can
tell it's just a passing fad.  And for your information, my mother
agrees.

        Cromagnolia Vox-Pop, 5th Cave Along.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Giggles List, via GCLF]

This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to
remind non-skiers why they do not ski:

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
    freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to
    warm up.

 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
    your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
    poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
    shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
    sure to wait in the longest line.

 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
    motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
    snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
    blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
    snow maker!

 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
    them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Lies

3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bugfree.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any
files. 
- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door. 
- The new machine's on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
- Some day this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:
- Money...it's just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest Hardware Lies:
- We always design for testability.
- It worked fine on the proto board.
- That would be much easier to implement in software.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from "Cleanstuff: 10 Rounds Of Humor" via "A Joke A Day"]

Quick, Get Help, I'm Holding My Brains In!!!

Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder.

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws,
and while there, went to a store.  She parked next to a car with a
woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head,
apparently sleeping.  When Linda came out a while later, she again
saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes
open.   The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window
and said "Are you okay?"

The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my
brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store
officials called the  paramedics.  They had to break into the car
because the door was locked.  When they got in, they found that the
woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in
the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her
in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains.  She passed out from fright at
first, then attempted to hold her brains in.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David Burns, via UGA Humor List]

There is a new virus that is being sent via e-mail. Do not open any
e-mail that contains the subject:  E-Mail Virus Alert. This e-mail
will scramble the second paragraph of any e-mail you receive.

If you do open an e-mail with fadfds gfg gfg fdgsf dgfdsgdfgf
rstrehgfhgf cvbh gdfhgd gfgfjnhg nbcv fdgfdhgf gfsag
trtrtyhthfbfdbvcnvhbmf gfsdhgeh  fdfdhcvnvc wrewgfdb zxbcfdhg mhgkrrt
fdhfdshgdfs 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.butterball.com/butterball/gr-hits.html]

BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE "GREATEST HITS"

(or, "Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;" or, "Out of the
Mouths of.... Turkey Trauma Victims")

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their
share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd
because they're heartwarming or amusing.  We asked some of the
veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up
a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. 
Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his
Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster
if I drive faster?"), but some of these come pretty close.  Warning: 
do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents,
true stories -- from the front lines!

* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called
the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line.  While preparing the turkey, her
Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out.
She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked.
She and the dog became more and more distraught.  After calming the
woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting
the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider.  It worked and Fido
was freed!

* Birdie, eagle and turkey?  Roasting a turkey doesn't have to
interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian.  He
called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to
tee off from the 14th hole.

* Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered,
"How do you thaw a fresh turkey?"  The Talk-Line staffer explained
that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.

* Don't wait until the last minute!  On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian
woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart.  She had just agreed to
host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of
time for turkey tips.

* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton!  A Southern woman called to
comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is
more important than the President.  He can take the day off, but the
Talk-Line staff can't."  (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open
Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run.  A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to
find out how long it would take to roast her turkey.  To answer the
question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird
weighed.  The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running
around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey.  A restaurant owner in California
wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* White meat, anyone?  A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to
extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach.  Afterward, she called
the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach.  To her
dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting
advice.  To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist
asked what size the turkey was.  Without asking her mother the
little girl paused, then replied, "Medium."

* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting
and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting.
Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist
responded, "Yes," then offered complete roasting directions. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Gwendolyn E. Eckman, via UGA Humor List]

                           PROCRASTINATION

P is for the popcorn you pop so you have something to eat in your
     hands so you can't type your paper

R is for all of the reading that you are afraid to start because you
     know that you won't remember it tomorrow anyway

O is for the overwhelming amount of time that one can manage to waste
     in an evening instead of doing work

C is for the crying you will do when you realize what types of grades
     you are going to get because you haven't done your work

R is for the radio dial that you are playing with so that you know
     when you do start your work there will be good tunes on

A is for the grade that you won't be getting on the paper that you
     are trying to avoid writing

S is for the soup that you make when you are done with the popcorn so
     you continue to have something to occupy your hands

T is for the test that you have at 9:00 am tomorrow and you haven't
     yet began to study for

I is for the insane amount of time that you are wasting by reading
     this email

N is for the nodding off in class that you will be doing tomorrow
     after staying up all night avoiding your work

A is for the amazing typing skills that you have developed since you
     have become an email freak

T is for the terrible grade that you know that you are going to get
     anyway, so why bother studying

I is for the inevitable fact that you just know that your work isn't
     going to get done tonight

O is for the outstanding organization of your desk that you have
     managed to accomplish while "getting ready" to work
     (we all heard that one before!)

N is for never giving up on the belief that you will eventually do all
     the work that needs to be done.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Steve Sanderson, via HAND!]

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended
up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby
bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge
wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with
either of his parents. 

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly." 

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother,
right?" 

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear
does." 

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to
do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives
you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. 

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in
Chicago." 

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the
judge. 

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat
anybody." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Gordon Foreman, via HAND!]

             IF THE BEATLES USED COMPUTERS
              new lyrics to Beatles Songs

YESTERDAY

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Janine A Lovekamp, via Randall Woodman and UGA Humor List]

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned-- the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.......
happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, please!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                         Flying In The Hot Seat

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire
fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to
photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved
and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport
where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag
and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the
wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said,
"Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take
some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Susan Polizzi, on REHU]

MANUFACTURER'S NOTICE:

It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was
shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect
necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance
of your unit.

1.  It is necessary to inform her/him of any members who are
hospitalized.

2.  It is necessary to inform him/her of any members who should be
added to the "shut-in" list.

3.  If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor's
prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the
prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or she/he won't
know.

4.  If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service
from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him/her.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause.  If these special
procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit
back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as
one becomes available. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List.  A lot of these are NEW!!!]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

2. The Politicians

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working
American.

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of
headlights.

Jimmy Carter: It had lust in its heart

Bill Clinton: Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?

Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. It was
planted there by the police as part of a conspiracy to frame
the species!

Thomas E. Dewey: It was time for a change.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the
black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to
trample him and keep him down.

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and
couldn't stop its forward momentum.

Michel Foucault: It did so because the discourse of crossing
the road left it no choice; the police state was oppressing
it.

George Gallop: Hen Party 42%; Dare 18%; Whim 12%; Business
2%; Undecided 26%.

J. Edgar Hoover: Our investigation reveals his Red contact
had left a drop for him there..

Martin Luther King: (1) It had a dream. (2) I envision a
world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

Rodney King: Why can't the chicken just cross the road?

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would let it take.

Douglas MacArthur: He promised to return.

Senator Joseph McCarthy: He was a Rhode Island Red
conspiring against the U. S. of A.

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I
repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

J. Danforth Quayle: Ite sawe ae potatoee.

Ronald Reagan: (1)I forgot. (2) What cat?

Will Rogers, Jr.: I never met a chicken I didn't like, If he
wishes to cross, it is his right to do so.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.

Sununu & Kinsley:

John Sununu: I would argue that the chicken never crossed
the road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton
Administration to distract attention from their failed
agriculture policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken
crossed the road? Where, Michael?

Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the
chicken crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's
obvious that the chicken crossed the road. Your whole
argument is just a smoke and mirror tactic to distract us
from the fact that most chickens polled now back the
Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.

Harry S. Truman: She couldn't stand the heat in the kitchen.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List - and most of THESE are new, 
too!]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

3. The Entertainers

P. T. Barnum: Because there is a foul born every minute.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken? 

Yoga Berra: The road's not crossed until its crossed.

Bennett Cerf: The lions on that side were more friendly; he crossed to
get to the other pride.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one to the most astonishing
events to grace tne annals of history. An historic unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurence.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Clint Eastwood: Cross. Go ahead. Make my day.

W. C. Fields: The only good chicken is a dead chicken.

Clark Gable: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs,
which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Greta Garbo: It vanted to be alone.

Hugh Hefner: To express her sexual freedom.

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Marcel Marceau:  ...

Groucho Marx: (1) Chicken. You said the secret word and have won
              $100.00
        (2)Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
        uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced 
        him, but we needed the eggs.

Joe Miller That was no chicken, that was my wife. 

Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Annie Oakley: She was doin what comes naturally.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken! 

Gene Roddenberry : To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone think to ask "What the heck was the chicken doing walking
around all over the place anyway?"

O. J. Simpson:  It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time. 

Siskel & Ebert: 

        Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.
        Thumbs up!

        Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience
        wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly 
        explained and the chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't 
        even speak English! Thumbs down!

Red Skelton: He was a baaaad boy. 

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Flip Wilson: The devil made her do it.

Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Melisa]

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she
was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out.
She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as
she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a
shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of
the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be
in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it
in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair,
Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him.  He picked it
up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat
and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was
told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her.
 Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills.  When she asked
what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have
coming.  Don't Despair paid 5-1."
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Fred Carlin, via HAND!]

     45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About

1.  Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big
    fonts with really small fonts.

2.  Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3.  Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in
    by sticking them all over the professor's door.

4.  Switch the names of prominent history figures with the
    names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your
    roommate led the Spanish Armada.

5.  Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a
    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss
    whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

6.  Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and
    sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

7.  End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

8.  Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to
    keep your dog from eating it.

9.  If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you
    can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class
    really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions
    created by your subconscious.  If you do end up writing the
    paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what
    the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture
    is worth 1000 words, right?

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
    crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the
    original.

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your
    bibliography.

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages
     of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's
    desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and
    explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains
    sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to
    know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get
    an 'A'.

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say
    that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
    confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the
    letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in
    as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so
    it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for
    chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
    primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you
    until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say
    that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and
    it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on
    the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When
    questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual.
    After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
    perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
    paper and correct all your typos.

22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
    opera-style, and hand that in.

23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
     might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
    several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several
    different perspectives on your work.

25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it
    and hand it in as your paper.  Explain that the topic was such an
    emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly
    express what you had to say.

27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and
    Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the
    other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
    member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous
    slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in
    writing assignments.

30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
    words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at
    the time.

31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only
     a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by
    crows on the way to class.

33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
    overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
    "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why
    Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both
    philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.

35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
    pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and
    other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example),
    an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence
    {[_-\|/??!]}.

37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
    picture as a resource.

38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
    screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class
    a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and
    yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this
    all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in
    the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
    horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.  For
    example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
    Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman
    empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
    example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin 
    "Sparky".

42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's
    whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty
    Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the
    outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote
    it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via HAND!]

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in
creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred during
the development of a hog weighing over one ton. To take care of this
huge animal, Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to
carry out the mundane daily tasks. The hog had terrible bad breath.
It was necessary after feeding the beat to force over 100 Chlorets
down his throat before anyone could go into the lab. On the day of
the doctor's death, one of the gorillas had spilled the deodorant
tablets onto the ground. He became enraged and began beating the poor
ape, and his brothers rioted. The police report detailed the event.
... Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and
ten Chlorets close at hand.
+---------------+

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears.
They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would
never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a
masked man appeared before them. I think I can help you, he said,
handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. Because
the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address
on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your
mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby
for you. This is the answer to our prayers! the wife exclaimed. Then
she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. Who do you think
that was? she asked her husband who answered, That was the Clone
Arranger.
+---------------+

It was the best piece he had ever written. His masterpiece. The story
of a classic chess match told from the point of view of the lest
significant piece, the black queen's knight's pawn. So he was
devastated to receive the letter of rejection from his publisher. You
should have known better. It read,  Our firm will never publish
pawnography. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                    A Glossary of Your PC's Messages
                             By Kevin Pease

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the
"A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E" 
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to 
be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." 
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting 
your work back."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from The Seattle Times, Wednesday, November 27, 1996]

SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE
By Jean Godden, Times Staff Columnist

It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki
Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and
the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.

(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans
when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers.  But they probably
were too polite to laugh out loud.)

In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have
worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style.  Here they
are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:

DRESS CODE.  Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle
tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with
weathered ski-lift tags.  Hiking boots are optional.

CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT.  Topics will include:  1) the election; 2)
previous elections; and, 3) the next election.  Several arguments will
ensue before the host or hostess declares politics "off-limits."

CLEANERS' COROLLARY.  Spills will happen in direct proportion to the
staining capacity of the dish (cranberry sauce rates high) and the
expense of dry cleaning the garment.

CHRISTMAS CONVENTION.  If you are attending a family gathering, expect
this reminder:  "Don't forget to bring your Christmas list to
Thanksgiving dinner."

MEOW'S MOMENT.  The family cat will appear long enough to 1) shed hair
on anyone wearing a black or navy-blue sweater; 2) perch on the lap of
whoever most dislikes cats; and, 3) insist on sharing the
smoked-salmon hors d'oeuvres.

OLD-TIMERS' LAMENT.  Some oldster in the group will remark that it's a
rotten shame there's no longer a Turkey Day football game between
Puget Sound and Seattle high-school champs.

ELBOW'S LAW.  Local custom calls for every left-handed diner to be
seated to the right of a right-handed diner, maximizing chances for
spills.

PORCELAIN'S PROGRESS.  At least two different patterns of dinnerware
must be visible on Puget Sound tables during every course.

SALAD LAW.  Tossed salads supplied by guests will arrive with an
excess of moisture, supplied by ambient rainfall.  If the day is
merely overcast, the host or hostess should add water before serving.

MOLDED SALAD LAW.  Guaranteed to do one of three things:  contain
miniature marshmallows, fail to unmold properly, or slide off the
serving plate onto the lap of one of the diners.

GRAVY'S CONSTANT.  The silver gravy boat -- a wedding present from
Great Aunt Emma and Uncle Ed -- will vanish before the meal.  It will
show up next summer when you're searching for beach towels.

TURKEY'S GRIPE.  One vegetarian guest will complain about the fare,
saying, "Why can't we ever have tofu au gratin?"

PIE'S PARADOX.  Provide two kinds of pie and diners will either
decline or ask for "a sliver of both."

POLLYANNA'S PRINCIPLE.  Guests will include one orphan, someone from
out of town who can't make it home.  If no orphan is available, the
family oddball can substitute.

REFRIGERATOR'S RULE.  After all guests depart, at least one
never-served dish will turn up in the refrigerator.

DEPARTURE'S RULE.  Some guests will arrive very early; some will show
up late.  But they'll all leave at the same time.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

OVULATION VERSUS CRETINISM

(Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and
Stork Science, University  of Helsinki -- English version by Jopi
Louko, Institute of Stork Research, University of Alberta)

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children:  the
theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.  Many
people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have
been taught this theory at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in
favour of the theory of the stork.  If the theory of sexual
reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory
and not as the truth.  Alternative theories, such as the theory of the
stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist.
This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human fetal development contains several features that
the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is
approximately nine months old at birth.  This is an absurd claim.
Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a
result of sexual intercourse.  There are, however, several well
documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of
a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive
correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks.  Both are
decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific
methods.  The only assumption involved is that children are delivered
by the stork.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Ward, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY ICE CREAM IS BETTER THAN PSYCHOTHERAPY

10. Don't have to talk if you don't want to.

9. No sexual advances.

8. You probably won't fall in love either.

7. You can enjoy with your friends.

6. No long term commitment.

5. Immediate results.

4. Your therapist won't care if you see another therapist.

3. Has a label on the box, so you know exactly what help you're
getting.

2. Can get it on weekends.

1. $3 a pint vs. $100 an hour.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Robert C Oshinsky, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN
by Jack Prelutsky

The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
-------------------------
 1. The Poets and Artists
-------------------------

e. e. cummings:
         chicken
      legs moving
           road
       car
         missed
              safety

Salvador Dali: Fish.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

T.S. Eliot: (1) Do I dare to cross the road?
 (2): Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  (1)It didn't cross the road; it
transcended it.
 (2) Because all life is an experiment and the more experiments
you make,  the better.

M. S. Escher:That depends upon the plane of reality the chicken
was on at the time.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Theodore Geisell (Dr. Seuss) :
 Did the chicken cross the road?
 Did he cross it with a toad?
 Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
 But why it crossed, I've not been told.

Mother Goose:
  Mary had a little chick, its comb was white as snow.
  And everywhere that Mary went, that chick was sure to go.
  It followed her to school one day, at least that's what is told. 
  So she became famous in her own way, as the chicken that
     crossed the road.

Edward Lear: (1) There was a chicken from Rome
  Who had a most beautiful comb
   You must cross the road
   Is what he was told
  Otherwise, you will never get home.

  (2) There was a chicken from Del Mar
  Who decided to travel quite far
   So she became quite bold
   And ran across the road
  And jumped on top of a passing car.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: To be bold. Deeds are better things
than words. Actions mightier than boastings.

Dorothy Parker: Chicks that cross the road. Are never served
cold.

Cole Porter: It was just one  of those things:  just one of
those avian flings.

Dylan Thomas: To not go gentle into that good night.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in
tranquility.

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
+---------------------------------------------+
[By Patricia Ann Rivers, via "Just Too Funny!"]

I am a Senior Citizen...

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, Beano, and
antacid.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for; long term care, eye care, private care, dental
care...

I'm not grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children,
politicians...

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm anti-everything now; anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise,
anti-inflammatory...

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm going to reveal what's going on behind closed doors - absolutely
nothing!

I'm sure that they are making adults younger these days.

I'm in the initial state of my golden years  SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

I'm wondering...if you are only as old as you feel, how could I be
alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, raisins.

I'm a walking store room of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
AND I THINK I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!!

                 --By Patricia Ann Rivers
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Mike Avery, via Giggles Mail List]

CAT TEST

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST.  This simple, yet
novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and
aides. It involves three simple steps.  (1) place testee in empty
room facing far wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and
latch door; (3) after 10 minutes, open the door.  Algozzine, et. al.,
note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between
subclassifications of emotional disturbance.  They offer the
following guidelines for interpretation of results.

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -- four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be
found in the corners of room -- cat alive, but cold.

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT -- fur scattered randomly about room and on
testee -- cat alive, still cold.

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) -- pieces of cat scattered randomly
about room -- cat terminated.

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) -- pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room -- emotional stability of cat suspect.

4. PARANOID REACTION -- testee cowering in far corner of room -- cat
alive and sleeping in center of room.

5. PSYCHOPATHOLOGY -- only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely
about testee's head -- cat assumed terminated.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION -- testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat -- cat alive, but confused.

7. NEUROTIC REACTION -- testee asking cat for advise about migraine
headache -- cat alive and still confused.

8. CATATONIC REACTION -- testee in corner of room with back arched,
hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat --
cat alive, confused, and sexually aroused.
+---------------------------------------------+
[floating all over the net, apparently.... ]

Mom's Dictionary

AIRPLANE:What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained
beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a
child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for
cupcakes.

BABY:  1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except
Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be
explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for
themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud
off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always
winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have
had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids
eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about
the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into
a battle zone.

DUST RAGS:  See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST:  See"WISHFULL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can
be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly
handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
"What's for dinner tonight?" See"SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food.
2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with 
a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing
herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but
not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves,drapes,etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap
and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of
the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and
the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic
tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of
putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once
Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go
outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends'homes for the night.

JEANS:  Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!" : Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you
can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish
that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the
seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and
net a profit of .15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's
papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning
experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom
look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK:  A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants
something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.     
2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army
men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN:  What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for
kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen
toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of
company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Elliot Abrams, Joe Potter, Kevin Shaw, Jokemaster, and Jack 
Kolb, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if
you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates.  Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other.  Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.  During the
evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping
to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established.  Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.  We expect
a warming trend where soup develops.  By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                    Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers


1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and
need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the
farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be
delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence
as soon  as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the
seats  on the aisle and the window while you are still in the
boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go
to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to
you.

9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is
never seated next to you - even if the guy at the check out counter
guaranteed you a "good" seat

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the
more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

4. The Scientists

Andre Ampere: To keep up with current events.

Archimedes: She was buoyant and excited at the thought of
new adventures.

Alexander Graham Bell: To get to the nearest phone.

Robert Boyle: She had been under too much pressure at home.

Marie Curie: She was radiating with enthusiasm as she
crossed the road.

Charles Darwin: (1)It was the logical next step after coming
down from the trees.

(2): Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now
genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

C. J. Doppler: For its effect on passer-bys.

Thomas Edison: She thought it would be an illuminating
experience.

Albert Einstein: (1) Whether the chicken crossed the road or
the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of
reference.

(2) It was a relatively easy thing to do.

Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole
principle. . Jean Foulcault: It didn't. The rotation of the
earth made it appear to cross.

Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.

Karl Gauss: Because of the magnetic personality of the
rooster on the other side.

Werner Heisenberg: (1) We are not sure which side of the
road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

(2)It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try
on general principles.

Gustav Hertz: Lately, its been crossing with greater
frequency.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

Friedrich Mesmer: It had been suggested when she was under
hypnosis.

Samuel Morse: She had an appointment. She wanted to be there
on the dot so she had to dash.

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.
Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Georg Ohm: She resisted the idea at first.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other
side of the road.

Linus Pauling: To get some Vitamin C.

George Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's
lectures.

Erwin Shrodinger: She had to get to the farm, or did she?

Alessandro Volta: There was a potential difference in her
future on the other side.

James Watt: It thought it would be a good way to let off
steam.
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Christine Gill, from The Funny Bone Mailing List]

Definitions For My Husband
   On Thanksgiving Day
         by
Shan Kish (Skish71392@aol.com)

PLAYBOOK:  Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all
times, if the book gets moved, the game could get ugly. 

OFFSIDES:  Silverware is to be set next to the plates... off to the
side dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to
scramble for.

GAME TIME:  This is when the food must all be on the table, at the
same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot)  so that the
*teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer. 

TEAM SPIRIT:  That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. 
When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying
that she's had enough to eat)

COMMERCIAL BREAKS:  There will be NONE for us, until I deem them
totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!

PENALTIES:  will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the
game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain
*televised* football game engaging your attention!

HOLDING:  may be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may
pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse.  And keep in mind
dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;)

TOUCHDOWNS:  Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched
down on the table, do not spike them, do not dance when the mission
is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY:  when something is spilled, PLEASE by all means
throw a towel down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING:  What we will be doing a lot of!!

and last but not least...

GROOMING THE FIELD:  Dear husband, if you help me through this meal,
as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean
up, and YES...in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Randy]

             FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASON
            (and it's not even Thanksgiving yet)
          
Santa was very cross.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was
going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves
were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they
had while making the toys.  The reindeer had been drinking all
afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had
taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had
crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -
all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even
have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree
and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says
"Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas
trees came to  pass........
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List]

101 uses for AOL disks

Part 1

It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks...but with a little
imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky
white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal
   door for knife).
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter. 
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge. 
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg. 
5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case...the
   "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as
   re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
24. Wrist slicer -- after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table. 
26. Destroy them -- smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress. 
27. Light switch cover. 
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together). 
29. Clay pigeons for target practice. 
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end). 
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long). 
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness). 
33. Firewood. 
34. Bird house. 
35. Paper weights. 
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top). 
37. Post-it notes holder. 
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back). 
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when
    parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the
     sun/moon -- actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by
     the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the
     incense).
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture. 
48. Hand them out as party favors. 
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then
     place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?).
50. Vertical blinds.
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Chalapathi Rao Poduri, via UGA Humor List]

101 uses for AOL disks

Part 2

It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks...but with a little
imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white
platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

 51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
 52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
 53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
 54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
 55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
 56. Brake shoes.
 57. House insulation.
 58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
 59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seattle (walk all
 over the competition).
 60. Hockey Puck.
 61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
 62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable
 baseball cards).
 63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk...makes the
 perfect pet.
 64. Poker chips.
 65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the
     bat).
 66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes
 and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office). 
67. Mail to 10 friends -- start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with  
   each link). 
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece 
of bent coathanger to both disks).
 69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
 70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
 71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
 72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
 73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of
     cards.
 74. Use them to fill potholes.
 75. Hood ornament.
 76. Snow blower replacement blades.
 77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
 78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
 79. Rubik's cube case (make into box). 
 80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the 
mail). 
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans. 
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties). 
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you 
mad. 
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2"
     apart and apply honey to disks).
 85. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket
     protector -- thanks, Lewis).
 86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard.
     Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
 87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
 88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
 89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under
     water.
 90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
 91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
 92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
 93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
 94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans,
 peas....). 
 95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony. 
 96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use 
about 100).
 97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
 98. Baby mobile.
 99. Fence (may need a few thousand).
100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer
nerds. 
101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

5. The Social Scientists

Alfred Adler: The feeling of inferiority rules the mental
life of the chicken. Crossing the road is an expression of
her will to power and a rejection of passivity.

Gordon Allport: It is an intergration of environmental
influences with its own inner potentiality and spontaneous
dynamisms.

Eric Ericson: To resolve internal crires and develop an ego
synthesis, and by doing so, become a functioning part of its
society and culture.

Sigmund Freud: (1) The chicken was obviously female and
obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign
was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious.

(2) The fact that you thought the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity

(3) A classic example of rooster envy! (Clean Version)

Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a
sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged
in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the
fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics
of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the
specific behaviors that figure most prominently in
sociobiological speculation.

Heinz Hartmannn: It is an adaptive mechanism to fit in with
the environment in order to gain satisfaction of its
instinctual needs and drives.

Karen Horney: To find her self-realization and
self-actualization, it is necessary to deal with the here
and now represented by the road and not with the past
experiences associated with the egg.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this
historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought
such occurrences into being . Melanie Klein: She was driven
by a primitive death instinct, an internalization of
significant object relations.

Heinz Kohut: It is a narcissistic transference due to
failure of parental empathy and acceptance.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: It is an emotional adaptation to the
environment, a final accptance of the necessity to cross
after periods of shock anddenial, anger, bargaining and
depression.

Kurt Lewin: Because it is a part of his life space.

Margaret Mead: It is a pubertal rite of passage, a
manifestation of coming of age.

Murphy: The chicken will invariably cross the road at the
worst possible time and the worst possible place.

Ivan Pavlov: He was conditioned to do so.

Otto Rank: As a rejection of the separation anxiety
resulting from the birth trauma of leaving the eggshell.

Willheim Reich: It was an attempt to resolve repressed
infantile conflicts over incestuous desires.

Carl Rodgers: (1) Why do you think the chicken crossed the
road?

(2)How do YOU feel about the chicken crossing the road?

B. F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had
pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop
in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even
while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Harry Stack Sullivan: To establish an interpersonal
relationship with the environment.
+---------------------------------------------+
		Fiscal Fitness for Everyone
		  by Swami Beyondananda

"You know, we are living in a competitive world, and this has been so
for a very long time, especially in the so-called civilized world. 
It is said that one of the first sign of civilization was people
decorating their bodies.  They would put on jewelry, various forms
of make-up, clothing, armor, ceremonial garb--and the more people had
on, the better they would feel about themselves.  In fact, many
anthropologists believe this was the origin of the word 'moron.'

"Now we can look at a great person like Gandhi--who was one of the
most significant beings of our century even though he had less on
than most people--and we can see his 'less-on' was more valuable to
us than the material wealth of all the 'more-ons' in history.  The
truth is, no matter what we wear on the outside, our inner beings
shine forth who we really are.  Now before you go looking for an
interior decorator to find hangings for your intestinal walls, relax
a minute!  Forget about re- decorating, about changing yourself.  You
are a unique, one-of-a-kind masterpiece.  When you were made, the
Creator threw away the mold.  And it is a good thing because a lot of
people are allergic to mold.

"In the FUNdamentalist religion, we don't celebrate Christmas, per
se. To us, every day is Christmas because every day is the day to
give our gifts freely.  In fact, we ARE the gift.  So if you're
looking for a stocking stuffer, look no further than your own feet.
Because you, my children, must step forward to share your gift.  Now
a lot of people say, 'I would love to share my gift and do what I
love to do, but I just don't seem to have the financial energy to
get over the hump.' Well, that is a common problem, children.  And
that is why you must learn the principles and practices of Fiscal
Fitness. And while in our hearts we want to make sure no one goes
hungry (unless he is dieting because he has experienced *too much*
abundance), it is more practical to teach Fiscal Fitness to the
masses than to try to take care of them ourselves.  It's common
sense--you can fuel some of the people some of the time, but you
can't fuel all of the people all of the time.

    HOW SWAMI BEYONDANANDA MASTERED THE FISCAL PLANE

"I have not always had what you people would call a prosperity
consciousness.  I tasted poverty at a very early age.  And it tasted
very much like Spam.  You laugh at Spam, but while you are laughing,
there are people who are making millions of dollars selling Spam
through a multi-level marketing system.  The company is called
Spamway, and they are promoting Spam as the ultimate survival
food--because it is guaranteed to be the last thing on your shelf.

"Anyway, I was not prepared for prosperity during my early years. For
example, I hold my high-school football coach responsible for my
early financial difficulties, because he told me repeatedly that I
had an inability to receive.  As a result, some years later I found
myself in New York City going through what I call my "Baroque
Period." I was so Baroque, I was Haydn form the landlord.  Anyway,
one month I received a notice that said if I did not pay my electric
bill, they would shut off my power.  Now at that time, I had just
begun working with the power of thought, so I began affirming that a
large check would arrive that very day.  Minutes later, the doorbell
rang.  It was a huge Czechoslovakian guy who said he had come to shut
off my electricity. It was then that I learned an important
lesson--the Universe cannot spell.

"But I knew I was on the right track.  I began to read everything I
could about prosperity.  One day my guru, Harry Cohen Baba, handed
me a copy of "Reader's Digest," and there I found the article that
would change my life:  "I Upped My Income, Up Yours," by a man named
Midas Welby-Rich.  One affirmation in particular jumped out at me: "I
am literally bowled over by prosperity."  For three days, I repeated
this mantra every waking minute.  On the fourth day, it happened.  I
was crossing Lexington Avenue near 37th Street, and I was so absorbed
in my mantra that I didn't see it coming.  Suddenly, from out of
nowhere, this Brinks truck turned the corner and knocked me silly.

"And that, children, changed my life.

"I was able to live quite comfortably on the settlement money for
several years, and this enabled me to support my personal growth
habit, not to mention two lawyers and a chiropractor.

"I have subsequently learned a far less painful way to bring money
into my life, which I will share with you absolutely free.
(Actually, I am not as altruistic as you might think.  I've run up
quite a karmic debt over the centuries and I figure this might handle
at least some of the interest payments.)

"Do you want to turn money from a medium of exchange into an extra
large?  Would you like to turn cash flow constipation into generous
runs of prosperity?  Then listen very carefully and repeat this
mantra before every meal:

"Everything I eat turns to money--and my drawers are full of cash."

"May prosperity move through you always."

Swami B's Fiscal Fitness Quiz

          "ARE YOU FISCALLY FIT?" TAKE THIS SAMPLE QUIZ

1. Does most of your fiscal exercise come from bouncing checks and
   running up large tabs?

2.  Do you wait until the last minute each year to pay your taxes and
   then go numb and clammy when you see how much you have to hand over
   to the IRS (taxic shock syndrome)?

3.  When a store clerk tells you: "We take credit cards," do you say:
   "That's okay, mine have already been taken"?

4.  Is your idea of an affordable vacation watching "Lifestyles of the
    Rich and Famous" on TV?

5.  Has your savings account been cancelled due to lack of interest?

6.  Did you give you last $5,000 to your broker to invest, and now
    you're broker?

7.  Are you so overwhelmed by bills that you're beginning to hear
    invoices in the night?

8.  Did you turn you mutual funds into parimutuel funds--and your
    horse failed to finish?

9.  Did you follow you banker's advice and put all your money into
    CD's and now you have no money left to buy a CD player?

10. When you were told to convert your holdings to liquid assets,
    did you go out and buy beer?

0-2 "Yes" answers: You're in great fiscal condition.  In fact, your
  ticker is in much better shape than Wall Street's.

3-5  "Yes" answers: You're in pretty good shape, but your buy-ceps are
  a bit overdeveloped.

6-8 "Yes" answers:  You'd be in better shape if you exercised your
  restraint more.  I'd suggest finding a shop-arone to accompany you
  to stores to make sure you don't spend too much.

More than 8 "Yes" answers: You're a fiscal wreck.

   THE PRINCIPLES OF FISCAL FITNESS

Principle Number One: No Matter How Spiritual You Are, You Have to
Learn to Live on the Fiscal Plane

The truth is, there is no way for those of us in bodies to separate
the fiscal from the spiritual.  Sure the best things in life are
free-- the sun, the sky, the clouds, rocks.  But food, that will
cost you extra.  As will a place to stay, for that matter.  And
something to drive around in.  As my guru, Harry Cohen Baba, was fond
of saying, "The lilies of the field toileth not--nor do they drive
BMW's."

Principle Number Two: Make Sure You are Doing the Right Fiscal
Exercises

I hate to say this, but our economy is really out of shape.  And the
exercises we're doing to try to get into shape--like stretching a
line of credit--are making it worse.  You see, we all do it.  We see
something we like and say "This seems like a good buy," and we buy
it. Then we see another good buy, and we buy that.  It's a good buy
here, and a good buy there, and pretty soon it's goodbye money. 
Meanwhile, the merchants are doing push-ups.  They are pushing up
their prices because they know we're gonna buy anyway.  But anyone
who's studied buyology knows the buying has to stop when we run out
of money.  And I'm afraid we're now on the brink of fiscal
exhaustion.

Fortunately, there is a solution.  I suggest we give our spending
muscles a break and exercise our self-control instead.  You might
experiment with the sell-a-bit lifestyle.  Instead of buying,
buying, buying, you should try to sell a bit of what you own.  We can
also improve our circulation by giving away what we can't sell.

Principle Number Three: If You're Going to Play the Stock Market,
Commitment is the Key

People often ask me if I think the stock market is going to crash.
Well, I am strictly nonprophet, so I don't usually make predictions.
But I will say this, when I visited the New York Stock Exchange this
summer, they were installing seat belts.  Now of course, there will
still be those of you who insist on playing the stock market.  So I
will give you some valuable information.  According to Yuan Tibet,
the great Dowist finance-seer, the secret to success in the stock
market is, in a word, commitment.  "Anyone who puts his hard-earned
money into the stock market," he says, "should definitely be
committed."

Now I will offer one very specific tip that he passed along to me.
You know the 3M Company; the one that makes Scotch Tape?  They're
about to merge with the company that makes M & M's and become the 5
M Company. They'll be making a new kind of candy called M & M & M & M
& M's and it's guaranteed to stick to your mouth, your hands, and
even the walls. So investors, take heart.  There is still plenty of
bull left on Wall Street.

Principle Number Four: Raise the Interest Rate

Yes, I know that most financial experts believe that raising the
interest rates at this time would lead to depression, but I think
just the opposite would happen.  With all the interesting things to
do on this planet, it should be at least 80 or 90 percent!  You see,
if people began doing more of the things they were interested in,
there'd be no depression.  They'd be too busy having fun to feel
anxious about money.  So I say, stop sitting on your assets, my
children.  Invest in whatever interests YOU.

Principle Number Five: Don't Get So Caught Up in the Fiscal that You
Neglect the Metafiscal

There is the ridiculous rumor going around lately that the inter-
national bankers are plotting to buy up the entire world.  I mean,
wake up!  Who do you think OWNS the world, and they're in a big
hurry. They want to unload it before the cleaning bill comes.

And who would they sell it to?  Two main groups--the 
Extra-terrestrials and the Channeled Entities.  What the government 
hasn't told us about those ETs is that they generally are reported to 
be wearing gold coats.  In other words, they are intergalactic real 
estate agents! As for the disembodied entities, they are trying to 
drive the real estate prices down with all their doomsday talk.  That 
way, all the humans on earth will move to Oregon and Washington.  
Think about it.  You don't hear them telling folks to move to Hawaii 
or Palm Beach, do you?

You know, I get a lot of these doomsday prophecies.  People ask me
all the time, "What is the best investment for the coming years?
Should we be buying futures?"  And my advice is, don't worry.  Be
here now! Forget about buying futures.  Buy presents instead.  You
know how some of the self-sovereignty people suggest we invest in
diamonds and hoard food?  I say, invest in hearts--and give food
away.

                   THE COMIC-KAZE PATH

So, assuming that the TuT Sea Rolls are most probably correct and
Nonjudgment Day is near, what can the average guy do?  Well, he he
can wait passively for Nonjudgment to come from heaven.  Or he can
get out of there, spread the fun and who knows--maybe help bring it
about faster.  For those who feel they are on a mission from God to
raise our planet's laugh expectancy, I offer a unique challenge. 
Become a Comic-kaze.  A comic-kaze is someone who uses lightness to
illuminate darkness, levity to overcome gravity.  Someone who enjoys
laughmaking as much as lovemaking.  You know how boy scouts help
people across the street?  Comic-kazes do the same kinds of good
deeds, only they help people to the sunny side of the street.  And
they are full of surprises, too.  They are the kind of people who go
to shopping malls and, when no one is looking, pour bubble bath into
the fountains to remind people that the only kind of pain worth
having is champagne." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Doug McNees, via UGA Humor List]

               THINGS WILL ROGERS NEVER SAID - 14
                  (But probably wishes he had)

--A millionaire requested he be cremated and his ashes sent to
  the IRS wish this message:  "Now you have it all."

--The only people who really listen to an argument are the
  neighbors.

--Sign on high school bulletin board:  "Free every Monday through
  Friday - Knowledge.  Bring your own container."

--Music has been called medicine, but some of it is hard to take.

--Anyone who corrects all his/her mistakes is probably writing
  his/her memoirs.

--How in the world could  buffalo fly with those little tiny
  wings?
+---------------------------------------------+
