11/27/97

[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

6. Historic Figures

John Adams: The crossing of the road is so bold, sop daring, so firm
intrepid and inflexible and it must have so important consequences,
and so lasting, that I can't but consider it an epoch in history.

Marie Antoinette: I told them to eat cake. They had to find it.

Neil Armstrong: It was one big step for poultry.

Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Christopher Columbus: To prove the world was round.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.

Benjamin Franklin: Early to cross, early to lay, makes a hen healthy
with more time to play.

Nathan Hale: He regrets that he has only one road to cross for his
flock.

Hannibal: To avoid the elephants.

Patrick Henry: For liberty or death.

Theodore Hertzel: To return to the promised land.

Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.

Thomas Jefferson: (1)In the course of avian events, all chickens are
created equal, and have the inalienable right of freedom to travel as
they desire. (2) for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Ponce de Leon: He was seaching for the Fountain of Youth.

Abraham Lincoln: We highly resolve that this chicken shall have not
crossed in vain, but that this nation, under God, shall have shall
have a new freedom and this nation shall not perish from the earth.

Charles Manson: It was Helter Skelter.

Karl Marx: (1) It was a historical inevitability. (2)To escape the
bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who must be
Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

Carrie Nation: To do the work of the lord and fight the evils of the
demon rum.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

Rasputin: She did it under my control and orders.

Anastasia Rominoff: To prove her royal heritage.

Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair
than all of Hellas' fine armies.

General Phillip Sheridan: The only good chicken is a fried chicken.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in
1776. But most history books don"t reveal that I bunked with a birdie
during the duration. 
+---------------------------------------------+
"Moby Dick" as Software
By Kenneth M. Sheldon
Excerpted from BYTE Magazine, July 1989

As a fan of great literature, I found myself wondering the other
day, "What if novels were published the way software is?" If they
were, the process might go something like this:

Herman Melville would announce the publication of "Moby Dick" a year
before you could actually buy it. Reviewers would praise it, and
several literary magazines would select it as "Editor's Choice" for
best novel of the year--all before it ever appeared on the bookstore
shelves.

Eventually, the publisher would send out a press release to announce
that copies of "Moby Dick" were actually shipping. The public,
tantalized by the pre-publication hype, would rush out to buy the
books like sharks at a feeding frenzy. The novel would become an
overnight bestseller, thereby confirming the media's amazing
prophetic abilities.

The book would come wrapped in oilcloth, with a long parchment
notice explaining when and where you could read it, that you couldn't
loan the book to anyone, and that the publisher wasn't responsible if
anything in the book were to cause damage to your life, liberty, or
kidneys. If you violated the rules of the reader agreement, you
would forfeit your firstborn child.

After struggling through the first few chapters of the book,
two-thirds of "Moby Dick"'s readers would realize that they had no
idea what it was about. Most of them would put the book away, haul
it out now and then, and one day find a registration card that they
had never bothered to send in. On sending in the card, they would
receive the following letter:

Dear Registered "Moby Dick" reader,

Enclosed you will find a copy of "Moby Dick" version 2.1, which
replaces earlier versions.

1) Version 2.1 restores several key characters that readers reported
were missing in version 2.0, which was subsequently recalled. We
have added several new characters to version 2.1. In particular,
several readers reported that the character of Harold the bookkeeper,
who was intended to act as a foil for Ishmael, simply did not work.
This character has been replaced by Queequeg, a South Seas savage.
Further modifications should not be necessary.

2) Version 2.1 contains corrections to errors reported by readers of
earlier versions, most of whom were being too picky. However, one
misprint on page 127 could make it difficult for you to follow the
remainder of the story. Note that it is a "gold piece" that Ahab
nails to the main mast, not a "cod piece." (Also note: If, beginning
in this section, your version of "Moby Dick" refers consistently to
"the Great White Tuna," you have the original version, 1.0.)

3) Early readers of "Moby Dick" commented that the hardcover
modification (intended to discourage unauthorized copying of the
book) made it impossible to install the book into their libraries.
Version 2.1 contains a modified "key-type" protection. In the
enclosed envelope, you will find a key that will open your copy (and
only you copy) of the book. Attempting to open the book without using
your key will invalidate your readership license.

4) With this version of "Moby Dick," we are inaugurating our
telephone support service, available free of charge to all registered
readers. If you have a problem while reading the novel, please refer
to the "Moby Dick Technical Reference Manual (#MD-1024)," which
contains answers to the most commonly asked questions and includes a
complete table of literary symbols used in the book. If you still
cannot resolve the difficulty, call (800) BIG-FISH. The customer
service representative will ask for the serial number of your book
before assisting you.

5) Finally, (George says, "Yay; my fingers can't take much more of
this!") it has come to our attention that certain unscrupulous
publishers have pirated portions of the "Moby Dick" reader interface
or are producing complete "Moby Dick" "clones." The most flagrant
example involves a pirate captain whose hand has been swallowed
(along with an alarm clock) by a large crocodile. We are suing the
publisher of this work. If you buy it, you could become a codefendant
in the lawsuit. You'll also receive a visit from large men with blunt
instruments.

Please complete the enclosed registration card so that we can send
you information on new versions of "Moby Dick." We will also inform
you of forthcoming products, such as our state-of-the-art novel,
"Ambergris," an integrated tale of daring and intrigue in the perfume
and whaling industries, to be released in the fourth quarter of 1889.

"Melville Press"
Seattle, Washington
+---------------------------------------------+
The Lincoln Seminar
By Ed DeJesus

The Jesus Seminar, having proven first that Jesus never said or did
any of the things the Bible says he did, second that there really is
no such book as the Bible, and third that anyone who claims to have
ever read or even seen a Bible is either insane or hallucinating (a
tough call), has now magnanimously decided to expand its mission to
enlighten humanity about the utter lack of credible evidence for
other famous-though-nonexistent persons. Under the name of The
Lincoln Seminar, we now deal with the alleged Gettysburg Address by
the alleged president, the so-called Abraham Lincoln.

"Fourscore and seven years ago..."
That is, 87 years ago. Since the alleged Abraham Lincoln was 
notoriously bad at arithmetic, it would have been impossible for him 
to have correctly determined the time since the founding of the 
alleged country. One of the followers of the quasi-mythical-
politico-historical figure must have supplied this figure later.

"...our fathers..."
An obvious quotation from the Lord's Prayer, which we have already 
proven that Jesus could not possibly have said. (Many such sayings 
are attributed to Jesus based solely on people having heard him say 
them.)

"...brought forth on this continent..."
By referring to a "continent" this shows that the alleged Gettysburg 
Address must have been written at some time after the breakup of the 
single prehistoric land mass Pangaea more than 100 million years ago. 
But since the document could have been written at any time during 
this immense epoch, the probability of that occurring during 
Lincoln's alleged lifetime is vanishingly small.

"...a..."
Lincoln obviously plagiarized this phrase, as he did so many others, 
from earlier sources. Scholars have found this phrase used in works 
pre-dating Lincoln's alleged life by many centuries, including "The 
Canterbury Tales," "Taming of the Shrew," and "Mrs. Hogsworth's Guide 
to Practical Cookery." It is likely that Lincoln may also have 
encountered it in his earlier claimed legal career.

"...new nation..."
An obvious gaffe by a well-meaning scribe-acolyte-propagandist, since 
the 1776 Declaration of Independence merely separated the alleged 
American colonies from Britain. The 1789 Constitution created the 
actual nation. Despite being hampered by not existing, the real 
Lincoln would have known this.

"...conceived in liberty..."
Not having been present, it would have been impossible for Lincoln to 
have any knowledge of this alleged conception, despite his reputation 
as seer-visionary-cult-leader-high-priest.

"...and dedicated to the proposition..."
All Lincoln biographers agree that Lincoln would have considered it 
impolite to make a proposition in public. But, to be absolutely fair, 
we don't believe any biography of Lincoln, for several reasons. 
First, as we established in our slam-dunk of Jesus, any biography 
written more than ten years after the person's death must be a total 
fabrication and a lie. Even nine years is pushing it. (Eight, we're 
not saying.) Second, just because people may have been listening to 
the most important person they had ever encountered, that doesn't 
mean they were paying attention to what was said. Third, if the 
biography is based on people who were not eyewitnesses, that is 
hearsay and must be entirely incorrect. And finally, if the biography 
is based on people who were eyewitnesses, they obviously have an
agenda to push, so they must be lying too.

"...that all men are created equal..."
Since this equality was not part of the original Constitution, but 
only enacted into law AFTER Lincoln's death, he could not possibly 
have spoken of it in 1863, BEFORE his alleged death. One of his 
followers must have added this to enhance his reputation as an 
omniscient-clairvoyant-mystic-enchanter-ruler-type-person.

"...Now we are engaged..."
Another of many anachronisms, since Lincoln was married at this time, 
not merely engaged.

"...in a great civil war..."
Since the TV show The Civil War did not air until the 1990s, Lincoln 
could not possibly have known its eventual title, despite the 
insistence of his fanatico-symbolicist cult worshipers.

[Phrases omitted here because we couldn't find anything damaging in 
them, so they must not have appeared in the original text.]

"...that this nation under God..."
Clearly, since the word "this" had appeared on many occasions before 
the time of this supposed speech, Lincoln could not possibly have 
said it also.

"...shall have a new birth of freedom..."
Yet another reference to the entire nation-freedom-conception-birth 
post-Lincolnite mythos retroactively shoehorned into an impossibly 
early speech.

"...and that government..."
Government, we have now established, was invented by the Hittites. 
(Is it mere coincidence that the Hittites often wore beards? Or is 
this the inspiration for the mindless obstinacy by the Lincolnians on 
an alleged beard in all depictions of the alleged President?) 
Therefore, Lincoln could not possibly have contributed anything novel 
to the topic.

"...of the people, by the people, for the people..."
An obvious instance of a copyist absent-mindedly duplicating the 
phrase "of the people" two more times. The "by" and "for" are 
therefore later emendations to make the repetition seem somewhat 
plausible, probably made during the 1890s (the Age of Extra 
Prepositions).

"...shall not perish from the earth."
See our forthcoming work calling into question all claimed "evidence" 
for the so-called "earth."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Martha Sniegowski, via "Just Too Funny!"]

"Over the River and Through the Woods" 
           [Grandma's Version]
              Author unknown

  Over the river and through the woods, 
  They're almost here, I know!
  The horse knows the way
  And guides the sleigh
  Too fast over the ice and snow!
  Potatoes aren't peeled, the peas not shelled, 
  The turkey not quite done;
  There's another fly In the pumpkin pie! 
  Who says Thanksgiving is fun?
  If the children are seated all in one place 
  They are sure to raise Holy Ned,
  But no parent will blame
  His Children by name,
  But think it's the others instead.
  Those that get dark meat would rather have white, 
  The potatoes could stand more beating,
  The gravy boat's dry,
  They are looking for pie,
  When will they ever quit eating?
  Now for the pies, apple, pumpkin and mince, 
  Of course they all pick the same one.
  Ah well, its almost through,
  Just the dishes left to do--
  Whats that? You have to run!
  Over the river and through the woods,
  Next  year when they glide o'er the snow, 
  I'll be safely in town
  At an inn of renown
  And they can find someplace else to go!!! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

7. The Religious

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

Buddha: (1)If you ask this question, you deny your own
chicken-nature. (2) It was contemplating the beauty of the world and
enjoying nature.

Confucius: Chicken who first look both way, lives to see another day.

Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous
legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the
silently waiting hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual
desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken
was as beautiful a drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a
partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply
aroused roosters could stand the intensity of its moment no more and
bit off the head of the beautiful courageous chicken-hero, whose wine
blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.

Mohammed: (1) It is the mother of all chickens (2) It is not for the
chicken to cross the road but for the road to come to the chicken.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed
the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its
own preservation.

Mary Baker Patterson: To cure itself.

The Pope: That is only for God to know.

Pope John Paul: Crossing the road is a sin that risks eternal
damnation.

Junipero Sierra: To spread the word to his flock.

The Vedas: It was its karma.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

8. The Foreign Leaders

Ami Amin: A hundred chicken heads will fall for this dastardly act.

Winston Chirchill: Out of blood sweat and tears.

Mahatma Ghandi: It was an act of non-aggression.

Adolf Hitler: (1) A Jewish conspiracy (2) It needed Lebensraum.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my
omelet.

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

Simon Wisenthal: To track down perpetuators of the holocaust against
chickens. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Randy]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo
artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh
right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put
"Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tottoo artist
says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusal tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining
all the time that there's nothing good to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from "Just Too Funny!"]

    OTHER WAYS TO USE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY

  - As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
  - As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says,
    "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
  -  As a hood ornament.
  - As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and
    say,  "How much you've grown!"
  - As a football for the after-meal game.
  - One word... bowling!
  - As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test
    the range of the splatter upon impact.
  - As a gift/bribe for a professor.
  - As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
  - As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
  - Makes a great doggie chew toy.
  - Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
  - An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
  - A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
  - Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.
  - If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on.  See what
    it looks like in the X-ray machine.  Better yet, put it in a pet
    carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
  - Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"
  - Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
  - Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.
  - Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room,r
    amaze your guests with this talking foul!
  - Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE!  Fly! 
    FLY!"
  - Two words: Turkey puppet.
  - Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's 
    stock.
  - Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood 
    in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
  - From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.  When
    they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
  - As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an
    attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Top ten reasons college is like preschool

10.  You cry for your mother.

9.  You cross the street without looking for cars.

8.  Snack time is a necessity.

7.  You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like
(because everyone else looks as stupid as you do). 

6.  You stay at home and play games with your friends. 

5.  You wear your backpack on both shoulders. 

4.  You wear big mittens. 

3.  Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity. 

2.  You take naps. 

1.  You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Les Pourciau at UMem, via UGA Humor List]

 Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

 December 1
 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn
 upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

 December 2
 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
 answering machine.

 December 3
 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
 cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

 December 4
 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

 December 5
 Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.

 December 6
 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
 consideration.

 December 7
 Debug Windows '95

 December 10
 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

 December 11
 Lay Faberge egg.

 December 12
 Take Dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.

 December 13
 Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
 for decorative pie crusts.

 December 14
 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

 December 15
 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
 tires are shot out at mall.

 December 17
 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

 December 19
 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
 height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

 December 20
 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
 add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

 December 21
 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
 cinnamon sticks.

 December 22
 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

 December 23
 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

 December 24
 Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in
 last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
 inadequate than they really are.

 December 25
 Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
 homemade potpourri.

 December 26
 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

 December 27
 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

 December 31
 New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in
 each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
 country.
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

9. The Authors

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Aesop: The grass is always greener on the other side of the
road.

Dante Alighieri: For liberty What is liberty but the
unhampered translation of will into act?

Isaac Asimov: The third law of Chickens states that a
chicken must protect its own existence as long as such
protection does not injure a human being or disobey an order
of a human being.

Albert Camas: (1) The chicken's mother had just died. But
this did not really upset him. as any number of witnesses
can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in
his eyes.
        (2) It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have
no meaning except to him.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Thomas De Quincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: To be great is to be misunderstood. It
embarked on a quest for truth in a society that is in
conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its roosters.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made
it do it.

John Grisham: The phone in the chicken coop was bugged.

Robert Heinlein: To grok.

Ernest Hemingway: (1) To die. In the rain.
        (2) Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They
cross for thee.

James Joyce: (1) Once upon a time, a nice little chicken
named baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming
down.
        (2): To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated
conscience of its race.

H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose,
polypous, indescribably horrible abomination not from our
space-time continuum.

H. C. Mencken: There's no underestimating the intelligence
of the American chicken.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

George Orwell: (1) Because the government had fooled him
into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free
will, when he was only serving their interests.
        (2) To show the cattle and sheep it could be done.
The pigs being more equal did not need the lesson.

Ayn Rand: Every chicken crossing was made in the name of an
altruistic motive. Has any act of selfishness ever equalled
the carnage perpetrated by disciples of altruism?

George Bernard Shaw: (1) The reason is that there are no
reasons.
        (2) Attempting to stop the chicken is an extreme form
of censorship.

William Shakespeare: (1) A chicken with any other name would
cross the same.
        (2) To Cross or not to cross? That is the question.
        (3) I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Gertrude Stein: The road? There is no there.

Hunter S. Thompson: Out of despair and fear.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately... and suck all
the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly
exaggerated.

Voltaire: (1) I dont' believe the chicken should cross the
road, but I'll defend to the death his right to do so.
        (2) Chickens have these advantages over man: they have no
theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no
one starts lawsuits over their wills.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

 Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You


10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your
apartment in the middle of the day

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like
you) on a leash in your living room

8. Ice floating in toilet water

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing
plant

5. You can never find the leftovers

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The
Nature Channel

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"

1. Your apartment keys no longer work
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8873/Laughs/ ]

An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St. Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a
species found in arctic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate cooperation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!  This needs a fixed-size font such as Courier 12 to 
work.]

    saltpepper        marjoram                            cilantro
   sarsaparilla      bay leaves                          coriander!
    garlicsalt        allspice          curry             cinnamon
     rosemary          fennel          parsley            turmeric
     dillweed          ginger           anise              pepper
     tarragon          chives                              nutmeg
     angelica          garlic                              cloves
     parsleysagerosemarythyme          mustard              zest
     basiloreganocuminpaprika           capers              dill
     marjoram          hoisin           relish               Na
     shallots          pickle           garlic               Cl
     woodruff          cloves           sesame 
     mushroom          onions           morels
    peppermint        jalapeno         tarragon             mace
   butterscotch      lime juice       red pepper           garlic
    celeryseed        cinnamon         allspice             sage


                 S E A S O N E D     G R E E T I N G S

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews archives]

The End of the Raven
                        -- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat 

On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, 
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. 
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, 
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. 
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor, 
"There is nothing I like more"

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, 
I made sure that nothing clattered, 
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, 
as I crossed the corridor; 
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor - 
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
"Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore - 
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; 
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty 
Put and end to that damned ditty" - 
then I heard him start to snore. 
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, 
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews archives]

'Twas the Night Before Installation 

'Twas the night before installation
And all through the shop,
Not a program was working
It sure was a flop.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
In the hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came,
And we whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Update!
On Add!
On Inquiry!
On delete!
On Batch Jobs!
On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
>From weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code;
Then turned with a jerk;
And laying a finger upon the "Enter" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closing completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell
With nary an abend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The user's last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Giggles List, via GCFL]

Excerpted from the book "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage
Deceptions of World War II", by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has
been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German
"airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely
of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and
aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied
photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last
wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane
crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped
a large ...............wooden bomb.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews archives]

Philosophy of the Doughnut

Optimist:  Sees the doughnut, not the hole. 

Pessimist:  Sees the hole, not the doughnut.

Realist:  Sees both the doughnut and the hole. 

Diplomat:  Talks through the hole. 

Dreamer:  Only cares for the icing on the doughnut. 

English Teacher:  Checks the spelling of "doughnut." 

Baker:  His job is to make the doughnut. 

Brady:  His job is to make dough for Uncle Sam. 

Mathematician:  Is only interested in the topological properties of
the doughnut. 

Programmer:  Worries that the crumbs will fall between the keys on the
keyboard. 

FORTRAN Programmer:  Name "DOUGHNUT" too long. 

COBOL Programmer:  DOUGHNUT PICTURE 'O'. 

Prolog Programmer:  What is the domain of the doughnut? 

BASIC Programmer:  ? "doughnut"; 

PL/1 Programmer:  DO NUT = ... 

C Programmer:  (void) doughnut() 

Material Res. MTS:  Invents new materials for making doughnut. 

Astrophysicist:  Postulates new doughnut hole in NGC256 galaxy. 

NASA physicist:  Recalls doughnut he forgot on the Hubble telescope. 

Transmission Engr:  Worries about how he can send you the doughnut. 

Traffic Engr:  Worries about how many he can send at one time. 

Provisioning Engr:  Worries about how to pack them in a box. 

Planning Engr:  Opens refrigerator to check how many there are. 

Corporate Assets:  Puts a barcode on the doughnut. 

Project Manager:  Worries about doughnut deliverable dates. 

Businessman:  One who sells you the doughnut. 

Successful Businessman:  One who takes the money, making you think
that you already have the doughnut. 

Very Successful Businessman:  Makes you pay for the hole too. 

User:  Wants a doughnut. 

Systems Engineer: Writes specifications for a bagel. 

Systems Developer:  Produces a tire tube. Then we plan for Release 2. 

Capitalism:  You buy a doughnut. 

Socialism:  The State gives you a doughnut. 

Communism:  The State sells you a doughnut. 

Soviet Communism:  The State sells you a doughnut, only there aren't
any. 

Labour Party Socialism:  The State sells you a doughnut, only there
aren't any, and it's all the Tories' fault. 

Trades Union socialism:  The State sells you a doughnut, and you go on
strike. 

Marxism:  The State takes your doughnut away and gives it to someone
who hasn't  got a doughnut. 

Stalinism:  The State takes your doughnut away, eats it, and tells you
that they gave it to someone who hadn't got a doughnut. 

Bureaucracy:  The State takes your doughnut away and then refuses to
let you buy another doughnut because you already have one. 

Fascism:  The Storm-troopers eat your doughnut and shoot you. 

Islam:  The religious police beat you up and chop your hands off. 

Thascism:  You sell a doughnut and buy a bigger doughnut. 

Thatcher:  Nutritionally, Doughnuts are up 50% in real terms over the
doughnuts produced during the last Labour government, etc. 

Kinnock:  Nutritionally, Doughnuts are down 50% in real terms over the
doughnuts produced during the last Labour government, etc. 

Edwina Currie:  Doughnuts are infected with salmonella, tarantella,
cinderella, valpolicella, winecella, rockefella etc. 

Church of England:  You know, in a very real sense, God is a doughnut.

Buddhism:  God is a doughnut, and God is not a doughnut. 

Confuscianism:  Confuscius he say doughnut. 

Zen:  What is the sound of one doughnut clapping? 

Catholicism:  The priest blesses the doughnut and you mustn't chew it.

Christianity:  I was hungry, and ye gave me a doughnut. 

Fundamentalism:  Doughnuts are an abomination unto the Lord, etc. 

Dictatorship:  Buy a doughnut, or else. 

Mis-spelt:  U bi er donut an u eet itt. 

Scottish Nationalist:  Ye wanna knaa aboot doughnuts? It's cos of they
bloody English, that's why.

Welsh Nationalist:  Onid oes chwarae maesteg doughnut llanfairpwll
defaid. 

Feminist:  Wimmin, doughnut, repressed, sisters, male dominated, etc. 

Loony:  You are a doughnut. I am a doughnut. I am not a doughnut. 

Poetry:  You are/a doughnut./I am/a doughnut./I am/not /a doughnut. 

Football:  'Ere we dough, 'ere we dough, 'ere we dough, 'ere we dough,
etc. 

Swimming:  Blug blug blug blug fluffle doughnublug blug. 

Cricket:  Thanks to Mrs Emily Crunge of Lanarkshire for sending me
these delicious cream doughnuts. I don't think there's been a *chomp*
doughnut article quite like this since Flapjack posted one for the
West Indies in 1823, and he *chew* went on to win the series by four
wickets. He was left-handed, of course... 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")
==========================
Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.
And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Colony on Mars

They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They had landed with
grass seeds to plant and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But the
grass wouldn't grow and none of the calves would survive. The horses
and sheep were doing well, butt there not enough to meet their needs.
So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a
replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an
animal that could be used as meat in place of beef. Earth radioed back
asking if venison would be satisfactory and it was. Finally a space
shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was
rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "we
got everything we asked for. They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes
and little lambs and ivy." 

+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Aditya, on UGA Humor list]

Hello citizen!!! You have been selected to participate in our new
program! Please read below to find out about this special offer!!!

WASHINGTON, DC--In an 86-14 vote, the Senate approved legislation
Monday establishing PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship, an exciting
new program offering special benefits and discounts to select
members of the U.S.

"By becoming a PlatinumPlus citizen, you join an exclusive club of
elite Americans," said President Clinton, who signed the bill into
law late Monday. "And as part of that club, you'll be eligible for
many special benefits, including tax breaks, excusal from jury duty,
and vacations at special PlatinumPlus Caribbean resorts, which are
off-limits to ordinary, EconoBudget citizenry. It's our way of
saying thank you to our best customers."

"And, of course," Clinton added, "there are never any annual fees."

PlatinumPlus citizens--selected according to a number of demographic
factors, including age, race and socio-economic status--will enjoy a
wide variety of other benefits, including immunity from speeding
tickets; separate, no-wait lines at over 50,000 post-office
locations nationwide; and wider, more comfortable window seating.

After just one year in the club, members can also begin earning extra
votes for elections. "Wouldn't you like to earn up to five bonus votes
for the next presidential election?" said U.S. Rep. Roger Wicker
(R-MS), a co-sponsor of the measure. "With your new PlatinumPlus
citizenship, you can."

According to Wicker, those at the highest level of the new program, or
"Diamond Club" citizens, will enjoy additional rewards, including a
pass good for acquittal from one crime (misdemeanor or felony), a
no-interest credit line of up to $500,000 and, for able-bodied male
PlatinumPlus members between ages 18 and 35, excusal from the draft
should a foreign war arise. Above: PlatinumPlus citizens Connie and
Russell Brodhagen of Del Mar, CA, enjoy a round of golf in a
members-only, walled-in golfing facility in East Los Angeles,
undisturbed by the surrounding war zone of urban poverty.

Gordon Alarie, CEO of the Dallas-based Integrated Systems Management
Group, was among the first to receive a PlatinumPlus citizenship
offer in the mail. "As CEO and founder of a Fortune 500 corporation,
I've contributed a great deal to the U.S. over the years," Alarie
said. "It's nice to know that now, with the PlatinumPlus Preferred
citizenship program, I'll finally start getting something back."

Rosalyn Murcheson Biddle, a Scarsdale, NY, art collector, was also
extended an offer to join. "The PlatinumPlus-only express lanes on
the highways are nice, and so are the unlimited drinks," Biddle
said. "But what I really like is the program's Gold Circle Premium
Health Care package, which gets me access to the finest medical care
anywhere. It's nice to know that if I ever get too wrapped up in a
car-phone conversation and hit another vehicle, emergency workers
arriving on the scene will prioritize my injuries over those of any
other people who may have been hurt."

Clinton stressed that those not eligible for PlatinumPlus citizenship
will still enjoy the many benefits of regular U.S. citizenship,
including one free vote in each election, a court-appointed attorney
if arrested, and a number of fully guaranteed constitutional rights,
including freedom of speech and the right to bear arms.

"To our nation's EconoBudget citizens, I want to assure you that you
will still get the same great service from your government that you
always have," Clinton said. "The postal delivery, the voting, the
Social Security checks--it's all still part of the basic citizenship
package. And while, yes, a few certain special privileges will be
off-limits to you, that should in no way make you feel like a
second-class citizen. Remember, we are all Americans here, no matter
how poorly or well we are treated." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews archives]

Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that
    grows?" 
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car 
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville 
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses 
Cut Time -- Parole 
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar 
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family 
    barbecues 
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are 
    low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road 
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll 
    Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of
    when company comes 
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year 
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of 
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off 
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or 
    "Dori-toes" 
Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of 
    formal schooling 
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad 
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor 
    trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul 
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever 
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used 
    Betty Jo 
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone 
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and 
    when 
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you 
    come in at 4 a.m. 
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to 
    sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives 
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock 
    in 
First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy 
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home 
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: 
    "Darn! That was a major scale!" 
Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie 
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Knight of the Round Table

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a
young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body
just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable
forays after the Holy Grail. He ran, panting, into the court to find
King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other
knights on their quest?" 

King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it
is dangerous out there!" 

So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour
to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?" 

The Armourer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel
all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the
same model in galvanised iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting
chain mail for 60 livres ..."

Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said
"What can you do for 20 livres?" 

The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and
Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you will
find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many
as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into
armour for you" 

So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he
could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man then
proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around
Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem
was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step. Sir Notalot walked back
to the court - clankity, clankity all the way. 

He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and
the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to
ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow" 

Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer. The
farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or
this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or...." 

Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres?
That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow"

The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent
(?) Saint Bernard dog which has recently been reprocessed since the
owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?"

Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and
galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went,
with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity, clank. He
reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others have gone that
way" (Pointing to the East) 

So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging
his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). At that point it started to
rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir
Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was
so heavy that the road (Just a mud track, really) started to flood
and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a
clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.

Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had
stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper
"Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "have you a room?"

And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these
round-tablers" In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have
somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St
Bernard he said.... . "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like
this?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Randy of the Wood, via Rehu]

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to
help me.  Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and
come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's
gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! 
What's wrong with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up
and come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor,
Doctor, I'm still not getting better!  Every time I go to the
bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your
change!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

Microsoft (to the tune of "Jingle Bells"
starting with "dashing thru the snow...")
===========================
Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
Man, this program's big--
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
Please don't make me beg
I've got RAM but now I need
over 60 MEG!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

10. The Philosophers

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Francis Bacon: To retain his own dignity without intruding
upon the liberty of others.

Jacques Derrida: (1)What is the difference? The chicken was
merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how
do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does
it exist outside of language?
        (2) Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each
interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be
discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was
dreaming anyway.

Diogenes: It was looking for an honest bird.

Epicurus: For fun.

Eric Hoffer: When chickens are free to do as they please,
they usually imitate each other.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Immanuel Kant: (1) Because it was its duty.
        (2) The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the
road of his own free will.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to
liberty,

Machiavelli: (1) So that its subjects will view it with
admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among
them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of
avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's
dominion maintained.
        (2) The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever
motive there was.

John Stuart Mills: It was a utilitarian function. She had
tasks that were better performed on the other side.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the
Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian
power of the feminine which men can never understand, to
cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not
capable of doing this - their minds do not work that way.
Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference
between them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has
proved....

Plato: For the greater good.

Alexander Pope: To cluck is avian, to cross devine.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true
to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road

Socrates: (1) I will think about it.
        (2) To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road
was made for it to cross.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was
encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and
circumstances came into being which caused the actualization
of this potential occurrence.

Zeno The Skeptic: Did she really cross the road? How can you
be certain?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

Violent Night
(to the tune of "Silent Night")
====================
Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried 'em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac's been silent all night.
Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I'm sleeping in peace;
Thanks, I had it on lease.

+---------------------------------------------+
[from David & Virginia, via HAND!]

   THE GROOM AND THE BEST MAN

Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own
wedding, the University at which Rob Tombes works carried in its
news weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage here to
Mary Beth Snyder:

Mr Robert Tombes, son of Dr. and Mrs. Averett S. Tombes of Fairfax,
Va., became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Snyder today at
Fairfax Presbyterian Church.

Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas Hamilton Tombes as best
man.  As the groom approached the altar he was the cynosure of all
eyes. Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the
clergyman in low but firm tones.  He was charmingly clad in a
3-piece suit consisting of coat, vest and pants.  The coat, of some
dark material, was draped handsomely about the shoulders and
tastefully gathered under the arms.  A touching story was current
among the guests that the coat was the one worn by his father and
grandfather on their wedding days.  Mr. Tombes would neither affirm
nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch.  The vest was
sleeveless and met in the front.  It was gracefully fashioned with
pockets and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of
the same material.

The groom's pants were of some dark material, and were suspended from
the waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor.  The
severe simplicity of the garment was relieved by the right pantelet
which was caught up about four inches from the floor by a Boston
Brighton worn underneath, revealing just the artistic glimpse of
leather, laced with string of the same color.  The effect was rather
chic.

Beneath the vest the groom wore blue galluses attached to the pants
fore and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His
neck was encircled with a collar characterized by a delicate sawedge,
and around the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up
under his left ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks
supreme artistry in dress.

The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and
as the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped
the audience.

As Miss Snyder led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she
wore the conventional white veil and orange blossoms. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

WIFE:     "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
carburetor."

HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE:     "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is.  I'll check it
out.  Where's the car?"

WIFE:     "In the pool."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Laugh-A-Lot!]

REDMOND, Washington -- Microsoft today announced that it will be
changing its name to "Moft" which will clear up space on users' hard
disks.  It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation
contains about 2,842,597 iterations of the word "Microsoft", in
copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, as
well as several multi-megabyte files containing nothing else (the
so-called ego.dll series), etc.  So, after the change, a user will
have about 14 MBytes more disk space.

Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the
announcement.

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk,"
said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft.  "But we have never cared about that. 
The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of
14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs.  We are also
looking at shortening the names of some of our software products;
for instance 'The  Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft
Pit'.

Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged
long filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames
underneath.  He did admit, however, that "MICROSO~1" did look a
little ugly.  Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered
the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft
Off for Moft Win 95'.

~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot!  - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~ *
To join the list, send the message "subscribe" (w/o quotes) to:
laughalot-request@graceweb.org - Start your day off with a laugh! * To
leave, use the same procedure, but use "unsubscribe" * Send additions
and new jokes to: jokes@graceweb.org * Joke Compilations (c) 1997;
Permission granted to forward, or post on other lists/sites; if this
notice is fully included, thanks!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Gwendolyn E Eckman, via UGA Humor List]

                 The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
$80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 

3. The department is giving me so much support. 

2. My job prospects look really good. 

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dan Eggleston, via Bill's Punch Line]

Several years ago there was an Anglican minister from Korea named
Kim Rhee.  He had a wonderful singing voice.  His strong point was
that he could trill.  His superiors decided to send him to Africa to
convert the heathen.  After his arrival, Rhee asked the townspeople
why they didn't attend church. 

They said the local shaman told them not to go or they would suffer
in ways unknown to so-called civilized people.  The minister laughed
and told them to come to church on Sunday and he would sing for them.

That Sunday, while Rhee held the audience spellbound with his famous
trill, the shaman entered the church.  Rhee told the people to
ignore the old man.

The shaman produced a small doll, very much in appearance like the
minister, and placed it, feet-first, in a pot of evil-looking,
foul-smelling, boiling liquid. 

Immediately, the minister fell to the ground and commenced to howl.
He tore off his shoes and those in attendance witnessed eruptions of
small pustules and blemishes on the soles on the poor man's lower
extremities. They knew that the shaman's power had won out.

And, from that day forward, the townspeople committed to village
lore the trill of Vicar Rhee and the acne of the feet. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The Epileptic Prince

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the 
ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known 
as the Shahnee. And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, 
that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the 
heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan. 

It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and
wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They
examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to
write out enormous bills; then they informed the Shah and the
Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was
epileptic. 

Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or
private hospital system such as we enjoy in Australia today; there
was not much that could be done about his condition. So the wise men
got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills
and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards
to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time. And it was
so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too,
watching over him and taking care of him. 

For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had
passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent.
The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in
amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court. And of course,
it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and,
being unattended injured himself. Great was the commotion in the
Palace and the Shah waxed wroth. Summoning the bodyguard into his
presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the
Shan?" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

11. The Fictional Characters

Morticia Addams: He looks so sweet. Looks just like a little entree.

Yogi Bear: He was smarter than the average chicken.

Howard Beele: He's mad as hell and is not going to take this any
more.

Elwood Blues: They're not gonna catch it. It's on a mission from God!

James Bond: World domination. The same old dream. Our asylums are
full of chickens who think they're Naploeon. Or God.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be
assimilated.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Dorothy: Toto, I have a feeling it isn't in Kansas any more.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to
cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would
be lost, the chicken would be lost!

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.
Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to cross the
road and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid does."

Queen of Hearts: It doesn't matter. Off with its head.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson. She was chased across by
a nine-month old white Persian with a broken tail and a rose thorn in
its right forepaw.

Jack: It was a goose and it crossed to lay a golden egg.

Dr. Jekell: She hadn't been feeling herself lately.

Indiana Jones: Fortune and glory, kid. Fortune and glory.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force was strong with him.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into
that kind of thing, you know.

Chicken Little: The sky fell

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, if someone wants to bet you
that that chicken will cross the road to lay an egg, warm up the
skillet to make an omlette.

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's
been a terrible misunderstanding.

Mork: Na Nu, Na Nu. To find my eggshell.

Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't
be able to comprehend the answer.

Ebinizer Scrooge: Baaa. Humbug. It didn't cross the road.

Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmm, chicken.

Hans Solo: I have a bad feeling about this chicken.

The Sphinx: You must tell me.

E.T.: He wanted to call home.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!

Tevye: As the good book says, if you cross the road to get out of the
rain, its snowing on the other side.

Oliver Twist: Please sir, can it cross some more?

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to
stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Molly Yard: It was a hen!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from George, via HAND!]

                    THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM

  You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
  only one parachute. How would you react?

 Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
            the jump anyway.

 Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
           crashes just like this before.

 Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

 Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
 parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

 Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

 Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
   the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

 Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and
 get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

 Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
 with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

 Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
 neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

 Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
 and dental floss.

 Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
 a report on how well it worked.

 Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
 that it will work in all cases.

 Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

 English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
 instructions.

 Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in
 all four languages.

 Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
 parachute as well as a human being could.

 Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
 intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

 Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
 reminds them of.

 Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
 character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

 Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

 Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them
 to work hard and not expect handouts.

 Democrat:  you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
 cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

 Libertarian:  after reminding them of their constitutional right to
 have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

 National Rifle Association:  you shoot them and take the parachute.

 Police Bigot:  you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

 Environmentalist:  you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
 biodegradable.

 Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
 parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.

 Branch Davidian (David Koresh):  you get inside the parachute
 and refuse to come out.

 Sports Fan:  you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

 Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
 it works fine.

 Ross Perot:  you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
 you long to learn how to fix a plane.

 Surgeon General:  you issue a warning that skydiving can be
 hazardous to your health.

 Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
 despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown
 no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Ticket

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled
him over for reckless driving.  Fortunately, another officer had
seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and
recovered the box.  It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Antonio Oliveros Fernandez, via UGA Humor List]

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via
satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern
hemisphere.  In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to
Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition,
Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa
Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1997,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. 
This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS
Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas
great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer
names available to all."  It is believed that the guidelines for
licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been
working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products
for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate
benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and
Office 98."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly
endless video stream of products that make up the deal.  It ended with
a  green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97
trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the
deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first
step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. 
This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year."  She
continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas
98.  It will be bigger and better than last year."  She further
elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network  will
get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first."

Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the
year and may slip into the first half of 1998.  An economist at
Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next
year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the
IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months
after Christmas, whenever that was.  "But it could be good in the long
term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see
it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers.
This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained
that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start
there.  Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining
will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays
with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official
confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's
stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday
market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year
'round products and services.  Others contend that the Jolly Red Man
is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for
comment.
+---------------------------------------------+
[by Chuck Goudie]

l. Do not call Santa's helpers elves.  Such references are considered
rude and ill-mannered ever since Mr. Claus was accused of exploiting
the height impaired.

2. Do not call it X-mas. Members of the gene pool became irate that
there was no Y-mas.

3. If you are a female, do not expect to sit on Santa's lap.  He's
just finished depositions in a sexual harassment lawsuit.  Said
Santa with a tear in his eye, "I only asked her to sit on my knee and
tell me what she wanted for Christmas."

4. Christmas Eve is out.  The term "Eve" carries an overwhelming
gender connotation that might be disturbing to some.  From now on
it's just the night before Christmas, please.

5. The night before Christmas might have to be moved to a different
date anyway.  Animal rights protesters want the reindeer to have the
night off.  And Christmas Day.  And aren't reindeer on the
endangered species list?

6. "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" has got to go.

7. And who named Bethlehem anyway?  Beth?

8. Do not, under any circumstances, give dolls as gifts this year.
They suggest a male-oriented fantasy that little girls could never
up to grow into.

9. And avoid giving fruitcakes.  They are clogging our landfills and
you might get the Environmental Protection Agency after you.

10. Do not hang mistletoe.  Unless you live alone.

11. Do not take your loved one to see any version of A Christmas
Carol. The Department of Children and Family Services is said to be
investigating how Tiny Tim ended up in such dire circumstances.
Scrooge is also reportedly under investigation for money-laundering. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Amy]

A priest was called away for an emergency.  Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to cover for him.  The rabbi told him he
wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over
and he'd stay  with him for a couple of quick confessions and show
him what to do.  The rabbi comes and  he and the priest are in the
confessional. 

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says,  "Father, forgive me for
I have sinned."      

The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed
adultery."      

Priest: "How many times?"  

Woman: "Three times."  

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
more."     

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.  He says  "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."      

Priest: "What did you do?"  

Man: "I committed adultery."  

Priest: "How many times?"  

Man: "Three times."  

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
more."  

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest
leaves.  A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."     

Rabbi: "What did you do?"  

Woman: "I committed adultery."  

Rabbi: "How many times?" 

Woman: "Once."  

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three
for $5." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/5650/ ]

INDEPENDENCE DAY

"Things I did not know until I saw ID4" 
(courtesy of Perry O'Grady) 

I would like to be perfectly clear that I found "Independence Day" to
be a great deal of fun and a thoroughly enjoyable motion picture.

However, I realized that there were a number of things about which I
was completely ignorant until I saw "ID4." The following is a list of
things that I did not know until I saw "Independence Day" 

It is reasonable to assume that the quality of the training of United
States Marine Corps pilots  is such that any Marine fly boy could hop
into an alien spacecraft and immediately be able to  fly it into deep
space 

The White House press secretary has a listed phone number

When stuck in a tunnel and faced with Armageddon in the form       
of a fireball that is capable of obliterating all life in Los
Angeles, simply duck into a maintenance closet and let the end of
the world pass you by 

Despite the fact that we are able to send a fax from a beeper on our
hip while walking down a street in San Francisco to a Range Rover in
Johannesburg, alien spacecraft need to be hardwired to a satellite to
speak to each other 

High class strippers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy
equipment 

It is not beyond the realm of imagination that the President of the
United States would be a fighter jock and would be willing to return
to active duty to do battle with invincible alien bad guys 

Alien spacecraft the size of Australia can be taken out with       
one well-placed sidewinder missile 

Most laptops are configured with interfaces powerful enough to
override the communications systems of the most sophisticated
futuristic societies 

Despite the fact that they wear biomechanical body armor that can
only be removed with a scalpel and the fact that they possess
hyper-developed brains that allow them to destroy their enemies
simply by thinking about it, alien fighter pilots have a glass jaw
and can be knocked unconscious for hours with one punch 

If you are a woman who: 1)survives a blast from an alien spacecraft
that wipes out Los Angeles 2)lives through the ensuing helicopter
crash 3)survives while buried by rubble 4)survives despite being
transported by open backed diesel truck across the worst terrain ever
created...do not check into a military hospital with the best medical
help money can buy because YOU WILL DIE 

Despite the fact that no living person, even on a clear day with a
map and two state troopers  providing an escort, can negotiate the
Los Angeles freeway system without getting lost, nearly-blown-up
women can drive through the shattered ruins of a decimated Los
Angeles straight to El Toro 

When you crash an alien spacecraft into the high desert because you
were hurtled back through the earth's atmosphere by an atomic blast
you set off, the fact that you do not have a parachute or any other
visible means of slowing your fall does not mean that you should not
walk away from the wreckage completely unscathed and straight into
your girl's arms 

The standard trip home from space, when assisted by an atomic blast,
lasts approximately two to three pulls on a cigar 

Although aliens possess technological capabilities millions of years
beyond our own that enables them to embed secret codes in our
satellite network, they can be stymied by Morse Code, which is
generally printed on the front panel of a child's walkie talkie 

The most sophisticated labs in the world have impenetrable vault
doors buried 30 stories into mountains but use regular hardware store
glass panes for observation rooms in the lab nerve center 

Although aliens possess tentacles dexterous enough to manipulate
human vocal cords from outside the throat when the need to speak
strikes them, they can not open a door for themselves 

The correct military honor for a hero who saves the world by       
sacrificing his own life by flying directly into the alien death ray
is to clap and cheer wildly in front of the hero's family
immediately after he perishes 

Any vehicle, including clunkers, can make the trip down from       
Manhattan to Washington D.C. in just a few hours in gridlocked
end-of-the-world type traffic 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

Dateline: Cupertino, 1 April 1997

Apple Releases Jewish System Software v1.0
------------------------------------------

Cupertino: Apple Computer has announced today the release of the first
localizable religion module for their system software. Previous
versions of Macintosh (MacOS) software have been able to support
localizable geographical regions and languages, according to an Apple
spokesman, but no operating system has yet been able to add
customisable support for religion and culture. The module is to modify
the system software to interact with the user's ethnicity as closely
as possible, so as to maximise enjoyment of the religion, to minimise
potential embarrassing conflicts and to increase its overall
intuitiveness and functionality. The first Religion/Organisation
Tolerance and Functionality Layer (ROTFL) to be released will support
the liberal Jewish religion. Others are expected to follow in the near
future.

While Apple has declined to allow demonstrations until an embargo date
some weeks from today, several developers have given inside
information on the beta versions of the software, developed under the
codename "Tsures". Some of the more obvious and useful features are
said to include:

* The Dates and Times control panel and the Calender desk accessory
have been extended to include all major religious holidays.
Notifications can be arranged for these and for the commencement times
of the Sabbath to allow the user to finish in time for prayer;

* The Numbers control panel now has different currency options as well
as interest and exchange rates depending on whether the figure is for
buying or selling;

* The clock menu in the menubar will be set to Jewish mean-time, which
is approximately 0.5 hours later than the default system time;

* Extensions to the Speech Manager include addition of the voices
"Brooklyn" and "Queens" to the dialects in which the computer can
talk, while support for extra nasality and running-together of words
has been added to the speech recognition software. A new output voice
termed "Drescher" was to have been added but problems with the
physical damage it caused some sound output hardware could not be
overcome in time and it will be released in a later update to the
system.

Other changes designed to allow better cosmetic integration with the
Jewish faith include:

* The addition of a 'Nag' feature to the On-Line Help Menu;

* The "OK" button in system dialog boxes is changed to "Nu?";

* The "Welcome to Mac" icon and the dialog alert icons get a yarmulke
and the "Welcome to Mac" message on startup becomes: "So? Why has it
taken so long to see me again?";

* Instead of saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" the system
asks: "Why do you want to do this? You don't want to do this. You
shouldn't do it this way, there's a better way...";

* Instead of offering the restart button when the System crashes, the
Sytem displays a modal dialog saying "That's okay... I will just sit
here frozen...";

* Hypercard is now to be on Prozac and thus will be only "card";

* The GeoPort modem achitecture is extended to offer the
VolvoModem(tm) which has a maximum speed of 300bps with extra
error-correction;

* Extra support is added for the EGED bus, in addition to the SCSI and
PCI buses.

Some other software vendors are reportedly modifying applications to
take advantage of the new features and needs of the ROTFLs. Symantec
and other anti-virus vendors are reportedly updating their hard disk
scan utilities to include the ability to scan your system and
peripherals in El-Al mode, which picks up guns, bombs and knives,
while un-erase utilities now display useful information such as "See?
I TOLD you a million times... if you don't back up..."

However, prospective users should be advised that some developers have
reported problems. One said that the Finder(tm) had been changed so
that it cleans up your desktop whether you like it or not and you will
never be able to find anything again. He also reported unusual
messages in "Tip-for-the-day" startup dialogs, which often seemed
stuck on the same thing every day. Another noted that his network
probes showed that AppleTalk(tm) was much more active than usual, with
short messages being exchanged between a few selected nearby machines
for long periods of time. Also, machines, and especially older
machines, often appeared to send messages repeatedly just to
themselves.

Another reported problems with the 'guide' program designed to aid new
users. Called "Ben" or "Bibi", it is based on the well-known and
widely-used Microsoft(r) "Bob" program. "It's supposed to take me by
the hand and guide me through the intricacies of using the computer",
complained one user. "Instead, its security guards wouldn't let it
near me. When I finally got to talk to it, it spent the whole time
assuring me that everything was fine and asking if I had any babies to
kiss." This does not appear confined to the Jewish ROTFL, however, as
some users reported the same problem with the now-defunct "Bill"
program developed in parallel for US users.

Other complaints concerned the packaged internet explorer, called
"Moses". Some users claimed that it seemed to take forever to access
any address inside Israel, usually crashing just after displaying
images on the screen. More worryingly, computer security experts claim
to have caught it in the act of gathering information about the user's
occupation and forwarding details of doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers
and bankers to a shadowy company called "Shadchan Inc.".

Lastly, some users reported that their computer seized control from
them, started making strange incantations and caused their memory
chips to burst into smoky flames, displaying cryptic error messages
about giving burnt RAM offerings to the Lord.

While Apple will not comment on the release of other ROTFLs, it is
believed that the ROTFL for fundamental Judaism has been held up until
Kashrut certificates can be obtained for the 603e and 604 PowerPC
processors. ROTFLs are also expected to be relased soon to support the
Islamic and Buddhist religions, but the module to support Catholicism
is reportedly being delayed due to negotiations associated with the
acquisition of the Church by Mr Bill Gates (see memo first released in
1994).
+---------------------------------------------+
