12/7/97

[from Bill's Punch Line]

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going
to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white
striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and
then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle,
and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds
to get off of the field.

The student is reported to have written his thesis on this....and
graduated.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Art Hill, via UGA Humor List]

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclause@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
(ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
>From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

          Christmas Carols
  <Star Trek : The Next Generation Style>
 -----------------------------------------------------

  FROM JEAN-LUC PICARD (to the tune of "Let It Snow"):

  Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
  Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
  But still we must boldly go--
  Make it so, make it so, make it so!


  FROM WILLIAM RIKER (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):

  Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
  (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
  Why must I play second fiddle?
  (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
  How can I impress Deanna
  (Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
  When I'm number two banana?
  (Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)


  FROM WESLEY CRUSHER, Starfleet Cadet
 (to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"):

  I'm at Starfleet Academy,
  And I'd just like to say
  I miss the opportunity
  To weekly save the day--
  To make things worse, I have to be
  In some dumb Christmas play!
  Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
  Only a boy,
  And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!


  FROM DATA:
 (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
  Jingle all the way!
  Oh, what fun it is to ride
  In a one-horse open sleigh--
  or so I am reliably informed; lacking a subjective
  and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun,"
  I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
  by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the--
  yes, sir.


  WORF E-MAILED two different greetings.
  The first appears to be to the tune of "White Christmas":

  I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
  Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
  They all think they've hidden,
  But this one didn't,
  And I'm using him as bait.
  I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled--
  Their mental skills are rather lame.
  May your foes die sonless, in shame--
  And I hope you're wishing me the same!


  The second is most easily sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song"
  ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"):

  Phasers flashing in the depths of space,
  Ripping up an airtight hull;
  Signs of fear on your enemy's face,
  And life-support signs reading null!
  Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
  Who lacks the Klingon will to fight!
  Phaser beams set his torso aglow--
  He'll find it hard to breathe tonight!
  He knows that Worf is on his way!
  And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"!
  And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
  Will soon become the subject of the verb "to die"!
  And so I'm offering this simple threat
  To Roms, and all Ferengi, too:
  You'll be as dead as a life-form can get--
  Merry Christmas to you!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

NAME THAT CHRISTMAS TUNE
------------------------
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time:2400 hrs - Weather:Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals


* * * * * *

ANSWERS:

1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

COMMENTS ON BUSINESS

  Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company a head start on the
  competition.

  Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

  Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the
  department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by
  one.

  Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new
  things.

  Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing.  On my last job I
  downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several
  countries.

  Macbeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of
  guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion.?
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley, via REHU]

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a
convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check
out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the  madame, "Is this a union
house?" 

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The  house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such  unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a  more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until  finally he reached a brothel where the
madame responded, "Why yes  sir, this IS a union house." 

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room 
and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.  "I'd like her for the
night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an
obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from A Joke A Day]

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions

What they say versus what they mean...

 1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
 (We are still guessing at this point.)

 2. Close project coordination.
 (We sat down and had coffee together.)

 3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
 (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

 4. Major technological breakthrough!
 (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

 5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
 (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take
 anything.)

 6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
 (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

 7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
 (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

 8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
 (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

 9. It is in process.
 (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely
 hopeless.)

 10. We will look into it.
 (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

 11. Please note and initial.
 (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

 12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
 (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
 with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

 13. Give us your interpretation.
 (We can't wait to hear your baloney.)

 14. See me or let's discuss.
 (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

 15. All new.
 (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

 16. Rugged.
 (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

 17. Robust!
 (Rugged, but more so)

 18. Light weight.
 (Slightly lighter than rugged)

 19. Years of development.
 (One finally worked)

 20. Energy saving.
 (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

 21. No maintenance.
 (Impossible to fix)

 22. Low maintenance.
 (Nearly impossible to fix)

 23. Fax me the data.
 (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

 24. We are following the standard!
 (That's the way we have always done it!)

 25. I didn't get your e-mail.
 (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

12. The Businessmen and Businesses

American Express: She wouldn't leave home without us.

Walt Disney: It was a Mickey Mouse idea.

Michael Eisner: To see the Mighty Ducks at the pond.

General Electric: For a better tomorrow.

Henry Ford: Chickens are bunk.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000 which
both crosses AND balances your checkbook though when it
divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.499999999938.

Samuel Goldwyn: It created an excitement that swept the
country like wild flowers.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other
side of the road.

Frank Perdue: It takes a brave chicken to make a chicken
tender.

Patek Phillipe: It is a tradition that transcends time.

R. J. Reynolds: It would walk a mile for a camel.

Col. Sanders: Did I miss one?

Charlie the Tuna: To taste better, not for better taste.

United Airlines: for frequent fryer miles.

Dean Witter: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop
the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Dean Witter, in a partnering relationship with the client,
on a best chicken basis, helped the chicken by rethinking
its physical distribution strategy and implementation
process. Let us show what we can do for your chicken today!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Chuck Corley, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

TODAY'S CHRISTMAS TECHNOLOGY

This year I bought several new strings of Christmas lights, the fancy
kind that flash multiple different light patterns.  Several days after
putting them up on the Christmas Tree, I noticed that one string was
"stuck"; the lights did not flash.  I thought it was somewhat strange
that the lights would be "stuck", as I knew that the light controller
was electronic, with no mechanical parts to get "stuck".

I unplugged and plugged in the lights, and pressed the button on the
light controller box until the lights started working again.

I had walked a few steps away when it struck me what had just
happened:

The light string was controlled by state-machine firmware.  In other
words, it was run by computer software.

I had just experienced a Christmas light firmware crash.

I had just rebooted my Christmas lights.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Airlines and Mistletoe

It was slightly before Thanksgiving.  The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back.  The airport on the other end had turned
a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe.  Not
real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort
of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a
ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd
have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)
"Ok, I give up.  Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Larry Chester, via Geoff's Joke List]

There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl
one night.  The papa,  Geronowitz;  the mama,  Pocayenta;  and the
beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz.

"So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."

"What?", says the mama.

"Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."

"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"

"I said 'Yes.'"

"You said 'Yes'?"

"I said 'Yes.'"

"That's wonderful," says the mama.  "She said 'Yes'!  Did you hear
that Geronowitz?  Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!"

"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling.  So who's the lucky boy?"

"Sittin' Bialy."

"Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"

"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.

"Oy, Geronowitz!  The SoSiouxMe's!  There are so many of them!  How
can we feed them?  How can we get them all in our teepee for the
wedding?"

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.

"Geronowitz!  Get me a buffalo!"

"What, at this hour?"

"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding!  I can make buffalo tzimmes from
the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a
buffalo!"

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo.  A day goes by, and a
night, and Geronowitz has not come back.  Another day and another
night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and
Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted.  Staggering.  And empty-handed.

"Geronowitz!, I've been worried sick.  Where have you been?  And
where's my buffalo?!"

"It's like this," he says.  "On my first day out, I hunted high, and
I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo.  But this buffalo, he
made Mickey Rooney look strong.  It was a tiny, scrawny little
buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely
enough hide for a rain hat.. So I settled in for the night to try
again the next day.

"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and
that way, and I finally found a buffalo.  He was a big buffalo, with
lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was
the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life.  'This,' I thought to
myself, 'is not the buffalo for MY daughter's wedding.' So again, I
settled in for the night to try again the next day.

"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low,
from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I
found a buffalo.  It was a big buffalo.  It was, as buffalos go, a
beautiful buffalo.  It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. 
'This,' I says to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for
Minihorowitz's wedding.'"So I reach into my backpack quietly for my
tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo.  raise  my tomahawk
slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of
lightning from the sky, I see it.

I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line.  I sent the first part out several months 
ago.  The REJOINDER is new, so if you remember this one, scroll down 
about half-way!
 ------------------------------------ 
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for 
the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

****************************************************************
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

****************************************************************** 
Now The updated version for the '90s woman.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]


                            A CAT'S CHRISTMAS

                    'Twas the night before Christmas
                        and all through the house
                      Not a creature was stirring,
                            not even a mouse.

                     'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
                           and tore him apart-
                        Ate his mousey intestines
                        And chewed up his heart.

                   Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
                       which made him take pause-
                       He stopped daintily lickng
                        the blood from his claws.

                      "Must be Santa" thought Kitty
                         (that quite clever cat)
                      'Cuz nobody else climbs down
                         the chimney like that.

                        Indeed it was ol' Santa,
                            so jolly and fat
                         With a load of presents
                          and all for the cat!

                     "Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
                       Kitty thought with a purr,
                      Then he coughed up a hairball
                         and shed some more fur.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

 --- SCIENTIFICLY EXPLAINED NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ---

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
 annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
 kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
 potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
 musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
 the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
 pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
 philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific
 title,of St. Nicholas.

 The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
 accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
 hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
 through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
 nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage
 of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of
 the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
 compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the
 purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

 Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
 the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
 reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
 precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
 itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a
 miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of
 diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule,
 aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
 apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
 undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more
 vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
 loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
 addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ...
 "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost
 exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily
 distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
 extremities.

 As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
 performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
 with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the
 smoke passage.  He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the
 ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had
 accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor
 I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he
 bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

 His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
 submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
 amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
 were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
 former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
 latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub-
 and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and
 their ambient hirstute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular
 and columnar crystals of frozen water.

 Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
 fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
 of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
 it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent
 abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup
 in a hemispherical container.

 Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
 aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from
 his  aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
 Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
 placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
 olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
 leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in
 reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short
 vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air
 through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
 burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
 chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
 overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
 vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to
 the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my
 sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
 pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews archives]

How *Does* The Chicken Cross The Road

NT Chicken: 
     Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2
Chicken: 
     It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that
     nobody noticed. 
Win 95 Chicken: 
     You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it
     and it still tastes like ... chicken. 
Microsoft Chicken (TM): 
     It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the
     road. 
OOP Chicken: 
     It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken: 
     First it builds the road ... 
C Chicken: 
     It crosses the road without looking both ways. 
C++ Chicken: 
     The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer
     to him on the other side. 
VB Chicken: 
     USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) 
Delphi Chicken: 
     The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other
     side. 
Java Chicken: 
     If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
     download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)
     
Web Chicken: 
     Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken: 
     Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken. 
Newton Chicken: 
     Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it
     across the road in your pocket! 
Cray Chicken: 
     Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in
     liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
     
Quantum Logic Chicken: 
     The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
     road until you observe it on the side of your choice. 
Lotus Chicken: 
     Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do! 
Mac Chicken: 
     No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
     road, so there's no way to tell it to. 
COBOL Chicken: 
     0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. 
     IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN 
     PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD 
     VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL 
     ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE 
     ELSE 
     GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Ronald Veenker, on Rehu]

NATURAL LAWS

"The Law of Volunteering" - If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" - When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse

"The Law of Common Sense" - Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality" - Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice" - When you starve with a tiger, the
tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation" - Creativity is great, but plagiarism is
faster. 

"Boob's Law" - You always find something in the last place you look. 

"Weiler's Law" - Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have
to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal" - Whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.

"Law of Defactualization" - Information deteriorates upward through
bureaucracies.

"Law of Volunteer Labor" - People are always available for work in
the past tense.

"Conway's Law" - In any organization there is one person who knows
what is going on.  That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution" - Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" -  There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness" - You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law" - The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law" - Variables won't; constants aren't. 

"Mrs. Murphy's Law" - Whatever can go wrong will;  and when it does,
Murphy won't be home.

"Main's Law" - For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program

"Weinberg's Second Law" - If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would have destroyed civilization. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List archives]

Prove It's So!
(to the tune of "Let It Snow")
========================
Oh, the papers say Apple's dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
"Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!"
They say "Mac OS software's scarcer."
We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!"
When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb,
We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?"
We can win our PR reversal--
Make the Mac be universal--
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided
to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to
plant"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied
in a letter:

"Darling, "Whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That's
where I hid all the gold." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You
wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the
house, and dug up all the back garden." 

The prisoner fired off another letter:

"Darling, "Now is the best time to plant the lettuce." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

            The X(mas) Files

 Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

 Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

 Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir,
 truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls
 decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney,
 with care.

 Scully: You really think someone's been here?

 Mulder: Someone or some THING.

 Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake.

 Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

 Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out
 who's naughty and nice."

 Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

 Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

 Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity
 who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by
 antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice,
 this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward
 its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of
 anthracite.

 Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents
 to frighten children.    Surely, you don't believe it?

 Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite
 marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate
 of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

 Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk
 glass has been completely drained.

 Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

 Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

 Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop
 its wilding.

 Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The
 doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

 Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

 Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge
 creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're
 crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get
 through there.

 Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

 Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

 Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was
 a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white
 strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated
 torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away,
 and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of
 my father.

 Scully: Impossible.

 Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It
 brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A
 MR. POTATO HEAD.

 Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
 of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who
 soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and
 boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the
 repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

 Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It
 knows when you're awake.

 Scully: But we have no proof.

 Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes
 detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White
 House ordered a Condition Red.

 Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

 Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
 vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C.  Nobody - not even
 the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people
 to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved
 to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income
 in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse.
 Scully,they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's
 too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another
 silent night.

 Scully: Mulder, I --

 Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

 Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

 Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                      THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me........
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab
the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara
climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady
mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net
loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of
butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline
ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print
Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me........
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has
feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36
for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara
had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot
of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly
less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me........
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain
the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room
to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How
was I to know the was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value
of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me........
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a
head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me........ The
kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident.
She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she
used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost
of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty
donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must
remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You
haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you?
Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me........
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While
doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip
mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as
catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement
costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for
two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me........
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring
but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of
matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95
plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me........
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could
fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar?
Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got
those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear
end couldn't get out the way I came in. After paying through the
whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to
leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except
that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing
home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar
strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me........ My
Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still
don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me........
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a
disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a
week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite,
"It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2;
purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it
never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me........
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was
my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words:
"Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost:
Christmas Dinner.

On the 12th day of Christmas........
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Justin Sheehy, Eric Osborne, and Keith Bostic; via Keith's 
Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

A supposedly true story ...

In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada
received a phone call from the CBC (CBC Canadian Broadcasting Company,
a Canadian TV station).  The CBC representative on the other end of
the line thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at interviews
etc, and for a generally good year.  The ambassador returned the
thanks.  The CBC representative then asked the ambassador what he
wanted for Christmas.

Thinking that it might be inappropriate for him to accept a gift, the
ambassador said that he didn't think that it was a very good idea.
However, The CBC representative insisted, and in the end the
ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallised fruits.

The CBC rep seemed a little puzzled at this answer, but they ended the
conversation and the ambassador thought nothing more of it.

Later that month, on Boxing Day, the ambassador was sitting watching
the news on TV with his family when he was treated to this item at the
end:

"Before Christmas, we asked three foreign ambassadors what they wanted
for Christmas.  The French ambassador said that he wanted world peace
and an end to suffering, the German ambassador said that he wanted a
cure for cancer, and the British ambassador said that he wanted a
small box of crystallised fruits...."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from The Top Five List - see bottom for details]

THE TOP 16 SIGNS CHRISTMAS HAS BECOME TOO COMMERCIAL

16. You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying,
"Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before
year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"

15. Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."

14. Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary
"4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.

13. The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"

12. Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's
Indy 500.

11. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia
Pet.

10. WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise
Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

9. Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier
Cecil Fielder.

8. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.

7. Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing
amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.

6. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On
Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy.  Now Bashful, now Dopey, now
Eisner and Sleepy."

5. $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas

4. Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat
during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.

3. The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)

2. Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an
injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter
not exceeding two syllables."

1. Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] 
[ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at
the local university.  Like many such freshman courses, it was
designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the
class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that
was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and
the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came
rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student.  He then took a seat and began
writing.  After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and
the students filed up and handed them in.  All except the late
student, who continued writing.  1/2 hour later, the last student
came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for
his next class.  He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that.  It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of disdain..

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again..

"No, and I don't care," the imperious professor sneered.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
room. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                      Calling For Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring...


Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please
hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now
estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to
expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification
number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial
number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your
computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest
typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you
sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have
at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and
original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you
in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be
helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem
to the technician.  Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be
immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication
with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable
us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you
and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you
have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If
not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters
on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent
and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up
your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the
time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring
Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two
hours.

(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may
be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following
questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have
forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been
suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help
before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I
sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual?
Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my
know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix
this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central
processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not
honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line
immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly
desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the
reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the
form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that
this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM
titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn
Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet
twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to
you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not
cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it
may jump you ahead of several other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic
starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food
and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your
telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as
not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you
will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully
must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember,
we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not
hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any
further technical problems arise.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jim Moore Jr., via UGA Humor List]

CHRISTMAS CONTROVERSIES & VARIOUS SOLUTIONS

  CONTROVERSY:  Should the tree be real or fake?
       YUPPIE:  Live tree, planted after use
         MALE:  Fake tree, discarded after use
       FEMALE:  Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
      REALITY:  Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

  CONTROVERSY:  Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
       YUPPIE:  Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
         MALE:  Bulbs flash logo of football team
       FEMALE:  Elegant flickering candles
      REALITY:  Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

  CONTROVERSY:  Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
       YUPPIE:  Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
         MALE:  Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
       FEMALE:  Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
      REALITY:  Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

  CONTROVERSY:  Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
       YUPPIE:  Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
         MALE:  Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
       FEMALE:  Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
      REALITY:  More icicles on floor than on tree

  CONTROVERSY:  Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
       YUPPIE:  Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
         MALE:  Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
       FEMALE:  Anytime the entire family is present
      REALITY:  Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

A very weird thing has happened.  A strange old lady has moved in to
my house. I have no idea who she is,  where she came from, or how she
got in.  I certainly didn't invite her.  All I know is that one day
she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She's very clever.  She manages to keep out of sight for the most
part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I  catch a glimpse of her there;
and when I look into a mirror directly to check my appearance,
suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my
gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting. I've tried screaming
at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She's
really rather frightening.

If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay
rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills
on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the
floor, but that certainly isn't enough. In fact, though I don't like
to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly.  I
go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later,
it's gone.  I certainly don't go through it  fast, so I can only
conclude that the old lady pilfers it.  You'd think she'd spend some
of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it.

And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking.  Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate.  Especially the good stuff--ice cream,
cookies, candy--I just can't keep them in the house.  She really has a
sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. 
I think she realizes that, and to makeherself feel  better, I know she
is tampering with my scale so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too.
 
For an old lady, she's really quite childish.  She also gets into my
closets when I'm not home and alters all my clothes.  They're getting
tighter every day. Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my
files and the papers on my desk.  I can't find a thing any more.  This
is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and
organized ; but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is
where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape
something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it
records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. 

She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me.  She gets to
my newspapers, magazines and mail before me---and blurs  all the
print; and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on
my TV, radio, and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.  
She's also made my stairs steeper, my  vacuum cleaner heavier, all my
knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge
to climb into and out of.

Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and
applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just
about impossible to open.  Is this any way to repay my hospitality? I
don't even get any respite at night.  More than once her snoring has
awakened me.  I don't know why she can't do something about  that. 
It's very unattractive.

As if all this isn't bad enough,  she is no longer confining her
malevolence to the house.  She's now found a way to sneak into my car
with me and follow me wherever I go.  I see her reflection in store
windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping
because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing
rooms.  When I try something on, she dons and identical outfit--which
looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I
can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she
proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have
somepassport  pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the
camera just as the shutter clicked.  Disaster!  I have never seen such
a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now?  No customs official is
ever going to believe that that crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice.  If she keeps this up, I swear,  I'll
put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. 
First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a
dependent.
+---------------------------------------------+
[From Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

13. The Rest (Addenda and Corrections)

Peter Abelaird: It was the intention to cross and not the crossing
itself that is important.

Saint Augustine: It reflects the presence of the divine reason.

Francis Bacon: (2) Only a child can know.

Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

George Berkeley: It is immaterialistic and a conceptual absurdity
that a chicken would cross the road for any other purpose than that
being God's will.

Jeremy Bentham: For the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

Martin Buber: The reason the chicken crosses the road is irrelevant.
All that is important is that I observe and judge the crossing.

Bukowski: To go to the bar, pick a fight, and find a good hen.

John Calvin: So God can reveal his goodness, glory, wisdom, power and
justice.

Eddie Cantor: To make whoopie.

The Cypher: The observant general elected to travel on the helicopter
entering on the highly elevated revolving staircase invoking damaging
editorials. (Needs to be decoded.)

Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full
explanation.

Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road because one
side and the other are not really opposites in the first place.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most meaningful
reality in life is individual freedom, and the supreme expression of
individual freedom is suicide.

Jonathan Edwards: It is foredained by God's prescience and
omniscience.

Bobbie Fisher: It was just a Bishop's pawn in a Queen Knight's game.

Friedrich Froebel: To teach the brood.

George Gershwin: It aint necessarily so.

Charles Gorin: It was an endplay, a Chicken Coup.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why chickens crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good
enough for us.

Thomas Hobbes: By its own free will in the drive for
self-preservation in the absence of external impediaments.

Al Jolson: For Mammy. You aint seen nuthing yet.

Magic Johnson: It was showtime.

Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for object A.

Gottfried Leibnitz: It is a necessity in this best of all possible
worlds.

Vince Lombardi: To cross is not the important thing, it is the only
thing.

Martin Luther: It is a matter of faith not reason.

John D. MacDonald: In any emotional dilemma, the thing a chicken must
do is the one that's the hardest.

Thomas More: For the good life and pleasure of all chickens.

Edward R. Murrow: That's the way it was.

Robert Ripley: In Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, a chicken
crossed the road 76,392 times. Believe It Or Not.

Spider Robinson: Glad. Sad. Mad. What else is there?

George Santayana: Animal faith.

Baruch Spinoza: To affirm his essance as a part of nature and God.

Theodore Sturgeon: 95% of what's written here is chickensh...

Henry David Thoreau: (2) To be wild and free like all good things.

Jonathan Winters: It didn't. It was too chicken.

Tiger Woods: To get to the next green.

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

Corrections and Comments:

I would appreciate receiving any quotes I have missed by e-mail at
<kegel@fea.net> to keep my list complete. I would be happy to send
the revised list to anyone who requests it.

The Moses quote to be theologiclly corrrect should read: Moses: "Know
ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road
part-way and becometh unclean, though it resemble in its flatness the
bread which is unleavened or the blintz which is unfilled, and that
the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation."

The quote: "Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They cross for
thee." should be attributed to John Doone who wrote it, not Ernest
Hemmingway who used it as the title of his book.

Howard Beele: "He's mad as hell and is not going to take this any
more." should be attributed to Peter Finch as most do not remember
the character's name in Network.

Clark Gable: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." should be more
familiar if attributed to Rhett Butler as most remember the
character, not the actor.

Gene Roddenberry : "To boldly go where no chicken has gone before."
in most lists is attributed to Captain Kirk. However, I feel Gene
Roddenberry is more appropriate.

The Dean Witter quote is atttributed to various financial advising
firms on different lists. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Gregory R. Maes, via UGA Humor List]

A Software Developers Version

                         The 12 Bugs of Christmas

  1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     See if they can do it again.

  2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

  9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

 10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

 11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

 12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
     Tell them it's a feature
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

Name That Christmas Tune #2

  1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas

  2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres

  3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a
   precipitous darling

  4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors

  5. The apartment of two psychiatrists

  6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist

  7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis

  8. Decorate the entryways

  9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element

 10. Oh small Israel urban center

 11. Far off in a hay bin

 12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole

 13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season

 14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation

 15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your
      yuletide season

 16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming
      tunefully

 17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their
     charges in the dark hours

 18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction

 19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe

 20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my
     auditory sense organ?

 21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels
     which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck

 22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster

 23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans

 24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of
     precipitation, darling

Translations:
    1. Oh, Holy Night
    2. Jingle Bell Rock
    3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
    4. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
    5. Nutcracker Suite
    6. The Little Drummer Boy
    7. Silent Night     (Knight= Sir Lancelot)
    8. Deck the Halls
    9. Silver Bells
   10. O Little Town of Bethlehem
   11. Away in a Manger
   12. We Three Kings
   13. 12 Days of Christmas
   14. Go Tell It On the Mountain
   15. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
   16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
   17. As Shepherds Watched Theit Flocks By Night
   18. I Saw 3 Ships on Christmas Day
   19. Joy to the World
   20. Do You Hear What I Hear
   21. The Bells of Christmas Are Ringing
   22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
   23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
   24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
                (knows rain, dear?!)
+---------------------------------------------+
[from JackFrei, via UGA Humor List]

Dr. Charles Albert Hallsworth had dedicated his entire professional
life taking care of the medical needs of a small town on the Southern
coast of England.  The townspeople, for the most part were poor, and
often could not pay for Dr. Hallsworth's services. Consequently,
despite many years of practicing medicine, he was a contented, but not
a wealthy man.

As the aging doctor approached retirement he decided that he would
like to leave a legacy to to the town and to the townspeople who he
had come to love, and who greatly respected and admired him.  He
wanted to build a monument to them.  The problem was finances - he
simply was unable to afford to build a the type of ediface which he
thought the town deserved.

As he was pondering the alternatives he happened to hear of a
freighter which had very recently shipwrecked off the coast of
England, very near the town he served.  With the meager savings he had
acquired over the years he purchased the salvage rights to the vessel,
hoping beyond hope that in the contents could somehow supply the funds
required to fulfill his dream.  Alas,  however, he found that the
freighter was carrying a shipload of balsa wood. The wood which could
be salvaged was not even worth the price he had paid for the salvage
rights. Dejected but undaunted the good doctor turned all his spare
time and energies to trying to find a use for this wood.  After
studying engineering and archetectual manuals he  was convinced that
he could still fulfill his dream.  He would build his marvelous
monument out of BALSA wood.

Of course everyone told him that balsa was too light and unstable to
build with,  but he would show them all.  He was convinced that his
plans were sound, despite conventional thought to the contrary.

With renewed vigor and inspiration he single-handedly built the
monument - a beautiful ediface, the most magnificant structure most of
the people of the small town had ever seen.

Unfortunately, as the winter winds began to blow,  and the seasonal
storms buffeted the coast, the magnificant structure was unable to
stand up to the gale forces. The beautiful building,  the result of
one man's dream, the monument he had wanted to leave as his legacy to
this town, was leveled completely.

The people of the town,  rather than showing compassion,  mocked his
efforts and jeered him. They had forgotten the lifetime of caring
service which he had provided to them.  The doctor became dejected and
became a recluse, eventually dying penniless.

To this day, as the Winter winds begin to howl along the coast of this
small town on the Southern coast of England, the townsfolk still
recall this poor dejected man's quest.  However instead of remembering
the love and dedication he had for them they mock his one failure. 
Children still take to the streets and sing of "Doctor Hallsworth's
Balsa  Folly, tra-la-la-la-la   la-la-la- la."
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Barbara Sheele, on Rehu]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a
unique gift for his wife.  The store manager tells him he has just
what he's looking for!  A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings
Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.  The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much
for singing.  The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left
foot.  Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities  and
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot.
Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."  The
husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately.  He presents Chet and starts to explain
the parrot's special talent.  Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under
Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."  He then moves the
lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle
Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin
asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's
legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the
bird begins to sing-

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Brian]

In a very small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that
showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small
feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing Firemen's
helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a
"Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets. 

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do
read the Bible!" 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about
firemen in the Bible. 

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some
pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my
face she said "See, it says right here, The three wise man came from
afar...." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/4827/holiday.html ]

Eat the last piece of fruitcake

sung to Last Train to Clarksville

by Chef Frank

Eat the last piece of fruitcake
that we got from Auntie Mabel
We can't keep it in the kitchen
'cause it broke right through the table
and the floor
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
"Cause your father lost a filling
and your sister broke a cap
And I lost a half a filling,
the rest is on a string tied to the door
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
And I don't think I can chew gum anymore
Eat the last piece of fruitcake
that came via forklift
Or use it for a doorstop
Might as well get some good use out of this gift.
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohohoho
Eat the last piece of fruitcake
That we have in our home
I don't know how old it is
But I bet that it was baked by Wilma Flintstone
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
And I don't think that I like her anymore.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://www.zip.com.au/~lyallg/virus.html . Note: this is a 
JOKE!!!!! ]

BEWARE - 

   Buddhist Viruses are Lurking

                         on the Web

Professor Richard P.Hayes of McGill University in Canada has compiled
a list of known viruses inhabiting Buddhist's computers. These viruses
have been around for thousands of years and they even defy the skills
of McAffey.

THERAVADA TERROR (often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known
as BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU.
While relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has the
effect of making your computer refuse to intake or process any hard
data after noon. (Female scholars need not be concerned about this
virus, since female CPUs are not entitled to receive full ordination.)

MADHYAMAKA MONSTER: systematically replaces all data on the hard drive
by a bit having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not
neither 1 nor 0. The screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the
operator taps a key, an information box pops up saying "There are no
statements in this information box."

VIJNANAVADA VEXATION: is the only known computer virus that has no
effect whatsoever on your software. It does, however, make all the
hardware and peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software
that there is no real distinction between a computer program and the
data it processes. One extreme version of this viral scourge (also
known as SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of making your software believe
that it is the only software in the universe.

VAJRAYANA VIRUS: attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to
emit a radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's
heart. The computer itself sustains no damage, but the operator's mind
is transformed into mush with the inane message "The passions
themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation itself is data." The
operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to upload billions
of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of incomprehensible mandalas
onto Web sites around the world, for the benefit of all sentient
machines.

INDRAJALA INFECTION: which causes all sentient beings to be networked,
all information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is
removed from the network neither it nor its previous context can be
said to exist. (Also known as the 'ten coins terror'). Rumour has it
this was the by-product of a marketing slogan coined by a lama doing
contract work for Sun Microsystems, "the network is the operator".
Once this virus has infected any machine, everything is instantly
affected, and it is no longer posible to conceive of the universe in
the absence of the virus.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Jon Bisbey, via UGA Humor List]

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I've known you
since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know
you."

The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too.  I used to babysit him for his parents.  And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, he has
a drinking problem.  The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state.  Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail
for contempt within 5 minutes!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from  Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

QUIPS & QUOTES

A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go
against it.  --G.K. Chesterton

Sometimes, on a cold, clear night, I like to stare up at the evening
sky and pretend that those tiny winking lights are actually stars,
millions and millions of miles away from Earth.  --Lev L. Spiro

I don't like to use the phrase "it's like kissing your sister,"
because kissing your sister is really sick and bad, if it's like with
tongues and everything.  --Jim Rosenberg

Access to power must be confined to those who are not in love with it.
--Plato

Texas is known as "The Lone Star State."  I say it should be called
"The Home Repair State," because everyone's always fixin' to do
something. --Chris White

If angels existed, they'd probably be considered big game.  --Don
Swain

Give a man a fish, he has a meal.  *Teach* a man to fish, and you both
get out of work around the house for at least a weekend, maybe two.
--Jim Rosenberg

One often-overlooked easy way to make money is to travel back in time
to the library and demand money for returning books before they were
published.  --Paul Paternoster

I'm high and dry in my stilts and pampers.  --Kurt Beyer

I'd like to teach the World to sing, In perfect harmony.  Especially
Bob Dylan.  --Jim Rosenberg

I've adopted a highway!  Well, technically, I just drive like I own
it. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road)
+---------------------------------------------+
