1           6 n                                                                                                12/25/97

[from Gary S. Jones, via ALPHA Mailing List]

MAN IN RED
Tune of "Men in Black"

Here comes the Man in Red
It's the Santa C. (ho ho here comes Santa C.)
Here comes the Man in Red
Only in December

Ho Ho Ho
The fat guy dresses in red, rides in a sled
If you ever come face to face, go back to bed,
The title held by me... Santa C.
I'm what you think you saw, in your chimney.
So don't think that Saint Nick is gone
He's now going red suit with the big black boots on.
Pulled by Rudolph, move in silence,
Doesn't put up with any reindeer violence,
But yo I ain't on no government list,
I straight don't exist
No names and no fingerprints,
Saw something strange
Watch your back
Cause you never quite know where the Santa C's is at
Ho and...

Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Holiday defender
Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Only in December (Ho-ho ho-ho)

Now from the deepest of the darkest of night
On the horizon, red light enter foggy night
Rudolph zooms, on the impending moon
But then like BOOM a red suit fills the room up
With the quickness of my helpuz
Christmatize-a, stocking stuff-a,
Vivid memories turn to fantasies
Check my list twice for the good kiddies
Give a toy that's the way to do it
Quickly, so I get home before Mrs. C. gets wicked on me
I'm your first, last and only chance to get what you want
In the whole universe
So don't fear me, cheer me
If you ever get near me, don't jeer me
I'm jolly
Santa C's pleazin' up all the kids
What's my name, yo?
Man In Red.

Ho, and,
The Man in Red
With the Man in Red

Let me see ya just wrap it with me
Just wrap it with me
Just wrap it with me c'mon
Let me see ya just sled with me
Just sled with me
Just sled with me c'mon
Let me see ya take a leave a cookie for me
Leave a cookie for me
Leave a cookie for me c'mon
And make your chimney work
Now sleep.

Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Holiday Defender
Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Only in December (oh nooo)

Alright check it
Let me tell you this in closin'
I know I might seem imposin'
But trust me, if you believe in the North Pole
Your stocking won't be full of coal
Cuz I put the things that are under your tree
And I be places that you cannot see
So go with your break,
Forget that homework dread
Show love to the red suit
Cuz that's the man in
That's the man in...

Here comes the Man in Red (Here he comes)
Holiday defender (Holiday defender)
Here come the Man in Red (ohh here he comes)
Only in December (only in December)
+---------------------------------------------+
[first set is from HAND! - more below these]

If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be?
A Holly Davidson.

What is claustrophobia?
Fear of Santa.

Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.

What is a computer's favorite Christmas carol?
Array in a Manger.

How would you fire Santa?
Give him the sack...

What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
Toys will be toys.
+---------------------------+
[from http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/1330/humor.html ]

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him 
names"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the 
credit.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and 
Gamble?
Its true....Comet cleans sinks!

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said,"No L!"

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about 
their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from HAND!]

Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's
              Syndrome

Source:  North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997

Author:  Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with
complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression,
and general malaise.  The patient's face was erythematic, and he was
in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly.  He
attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO!
HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
many people worldwide.  He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight
reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys.  He has performed
this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and
ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I
believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome
related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial
Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History:  Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his
working hours.  However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic
face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse.  He has smoked pipe tobacco
for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have
forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5
years.  He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past.  He
has no known allergies.  Travel history is extensive, as he visits
nearly every location in the world annually.  He has had all his
immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical diseases.
He does little exercise and eats large meals with high sugar and
cholesterol levels,  and a high percentage of calories derived from
fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec. 25, which
consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies). Family history
was unavailable, as the patient could not name any relatives.

Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates:  The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision.  His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions.  This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.

He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
falls from his sleigh.  Collisions with birds during his flight,
gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites
consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these
wounds.  Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks,
penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by
periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood
pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory
rate of 40.  He has had shortness of breath for several years, which
worsens during exertion.  He has no evidence of acute cardiac or
pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to
his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along
with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for
coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other
problems.  Blood tests subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO
levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent
into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain
for several years.  A neurological examination was consistent with a
mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted
from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and
his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a
swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal
cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years.  I do not believe it to
be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in
his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He
exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5
years ago.  This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he
experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his
existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses
profound unhappiness.  He reports anger at not receiving royalties for
the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name.  Although he
reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
have pedophillic tendencies.  This could be the subconscious reason he
employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his
hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to
body-image problems stemming from his obesity.  The patient feels
annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he
exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if
not dealt with.  He reports great stress over having to choose which
gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over
the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice".
Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during
winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a
contributor to his depression.

Treatment and Counselling:  All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. 
A referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk
problem. On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and
no further cancer has been detected as of this writing.  He was
counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire
chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to a
closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh.  He refused suggestions to
add a helmet and protective accessories to his uniform.  He was put
on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his
smoking and drinking.  He has shown success with these lifestyle
changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be
able to resist the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits
a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

Conclusions:  Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis.  I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/
psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere
depend on effective management of these syndromes.
+---------------------------------------------+
[by Allan Sherman]

The Twelve Gifts Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A Japanese transistor radio.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's a Nakashuma.)

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's the Mark IV model. That's the one that's discontinued.)

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it comes in a leatherette case with holes in it, so you can 
listen right through the case.)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you can stick in your 
ear, and a thing on the other end that you can't stick anywhere, 
because it's bent.)

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
And all that other stuff, 
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An indoor plastic birdbath,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on
television, but not when you get it home, 
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange,
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange:
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on
television, but not when you get it home, 
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter, 
A pair of teakwood shower clogs, 
An indoor plastic birdbath, 
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it, 
A hammered aluminum nutcracker, 
A statue of a lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be, 
A simulated alligator wallet, 
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, 
Green polka-dot pajamas, 
And a Japanese transistor radio.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Don Chesnel, via UGA Humor List.  Remember, this is a JOKE!] 

New computer viruses just discovered:

BOBBIT VIRUS - Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then
re-attaches it. (However, that portion never works again!) 

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 60MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB. 

MCI VIRUS - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T Virus. 

AT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This REVOLUTIONARY Virus does not horse around!
It warns you of impending hard disk attack - Once if by LAN, twice
if by C: 

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS - Never calls itself a "Virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "Electronic MicroOrganism". 

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase one, it first requires you to
see a professional counselor about possible alternatives. 

ROSS PEROT VIRUS - Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole darn thing quits! 

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS - It could be a great virus, but refuses to run. 

TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Absolutely nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine! 

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer. 

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS - Causes your printer to transform into a paper
shredder. 

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to solicit
financial donations. 

ELVIS VIRUS - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then
self-destructs - only to resurface at shopping malls, service
stations and professional football games all across America!! 

OJ VIRUS - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete
two of your files and vows to never stop looking for the virus that
did it. 

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong
and then sends you a bill for $6,000. 

STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from rec.humor.oracle.d]

TEN LETTER METRIC ALPHABET

Tom Harrington <tph@rmii.com> wrote:

> I notice that, while you insist that the metric system is
> a good idea, you nevertheless fail to adhere to the ten-letter
> metric alphabet required by ISO.  Could it be that, since you
> use more than ten letters, you perhaps realize that what
> you're doing is evil?

In fact, the ISO metric alphabet (sic) is composed of 1 die-cast
platinum letter (the "bet"), which is housed in the basement of the
ISO building in Lausanne, just next to the kitty litter.  From this,
a variety of "______bets" can be constructed; the most popular being
the "decabet" (100 letters) and the "kilobet" (1000 letters).  At
present the "millibet" (1/1000 letter) is significantly underused and
a steering committee has been started to try and improve this
situation.

Please note that the prefix "alpha" is not a valid metric prefix,
and as such will be phased out in due time (maybe faster if the 
re-education camps are successful).

We thank you for your interest in the metric system.

Miss Information <misinfo@iso.org.ch> [rec.humor.oracle.d]
Kyle R. Hofmann <rhofmann@crl.com> [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TEN LETTER METRIC ALPHABET (REVISITED)

Miss Information (misinfo@iso.org.ch) wrote:

: In fact, the ISO metric alphabet (sic) is composed of 1 die-cast 
: platinum letter (the "bet"), which is housed in the basement of the
: ISO building in Lausanne, just next to the kitty litter.  From this,
: a variety of "______bets"  can be constructed; the most popular
: being the "decabet" (100 letters) and the "kilobet" (1000 letters). 
: At present the "millibet" (1/1000 letter) is significantly underused
: and a steering committee has been started to try and improve this
: situation.

Here at work we are unfortunately required to use the nanobet, which
contains 1/1000000000 of a letter.  Last week I typed for eight solid
hours and I still had not even a single line of code done.  This is
really making my productivity sink; I type well past the "carpal
tunnel" stage and still have nothing to show for it.  And to think
that someone claimed the metric system *helped* working people. 
Furrfu.  Now you know why I think the metric system is evil.

: Please note that the prefix "alpha" is not a valid metric prefix,
: and as such will be phased out in due time (maybe faster if the
: re-education camps are successful).

Suddenly I have this awful vision of the metric equivalent of alphabet
soup.  Just think of the megabet (1,000,000 letters) -- you'd have a
soup bowl the size of a swimming pool just to cover the entire thing.

Tom Harrington <tph@longhorn.uucp> [rec.humor.oracle.d]
sgf <sfolse@du.edu> [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

The American Secretary of State was sent to Tokyo on an important
trade mission. It was imperative that he make the best possible
impression to the Japanese leaders. On the morning of the presentation
he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the
unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The Secretary was
besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... 

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to
terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a
physician's aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that
there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just
have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs
he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the
same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.

Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any
help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah,
there's the problem" 

"What is it?" the man asked. 

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. 

"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the
Secretary. 

"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess
makes the fart go Honda." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Lee Daniel Quinn, via Bill's Punch Line]

Twas the night before Thursday
And poor Clement Moore
Had his poem being copied
By many a bore

His "Night Before Christmas"
Is perfect in rhyme
His rhythm and cadence
Are wonderfully fine.

But then come the wise guys
With internet cool
Who use Clement's rhyme
As sort of a tool

They pick up the style
>From this poem of "that night"
And they hitch up their sled
to whatever's their gripe.

Now I'm not even saying
That there's something not right
By using Moore's poem
To carry a fight.

I guess my complaint
Is not in their chore
But the number of times
they steal from Clem Moore.

So I say to you all
As I close down this gripe
"Merry Christmas to All
And to All a Good Night!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Once a rich man went on a safari. As he was about to enter the jungle,
his guide warned him, "The jungle is a dangerous place. There are
tigers, poisonous snakes and other obvious dangers. But the most
deadly of them all is the mysterious foo bird." 

"What makes it so dangerous?" the man asked.

"The foo bird is a very territorial animal," the guide explained. "If
you walk under a tree in which a foo bird nest, it will relieve
itself on you." 

"Well, that certainly doesn't sound like much fun," the man replied,
"but it doesn't sound dangerous." 

"There is more than that. You cannot wipe off the feces, or it will
cause a chemical reaction that will immediately kill you." 

As this made little sense, the rich man had trouble believing it and
didn't pay it much mind. A few hours later, they were walking through
the jungle and a glob of foo bird feces hit him on top of the head.
Before the guide could do or say anything, the man reached up and
wiped it off. Sure enough, he dropped dead instantly. 

The moral of the story is: If the foo shits, wear it. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Alan, via UGA Humor List]

The Top 14 Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families

14 "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for
dessert!"

13 "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma
perform another striptease for you."

12 "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with
soap, young man."

11 "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well?
Do You?!"

10 "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the
prom with ya!"

9 "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

8 "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

7 "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at
the Gingrich's house!"

6 "Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

5 "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear
that dress, young man!"

4 "You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

3 "Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the
groin."

2 "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

1 "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen
for you!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Time and Money Saving Tips

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a
handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS.  Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will
allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably
passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that
the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds
in only 2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or
bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to
turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas?  Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell
you're going.

PENSIONERS.  Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go
for a drive in your car.  That way you will be able to see out of the
front window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them
in the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see
which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting
them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you
can give twice as much, at half the cost.  I think.

NO TIME for a bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt
by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con.  Marmalade is a much cheaper
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them.  The red
nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.  (Unless
you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be
selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.

IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!  The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

HOUSEWIVES: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.

MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars for giants.

INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

MAKE your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.

GIRLS. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?  Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.

INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in the head at the first opportunity.  Under no circumstances give him
a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.

NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.
This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make
a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of
getting the job.
+---------------------------------------------+
LADLE RAT ROTTEN HUT (Little Red Riding Hood)

>From "Anguish Languish" by Howard L. Chace, (c)1956

Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner
ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist. Disk ladle gull
orphan worry putty ladle rat cluck wetter ladle rat hut, an fur disk
raisin pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut.

Wan moaning Ladle Rat Rotten Hut's murder colder inset.

"Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an
shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage offer
groin-murder how lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake!
Dun stopper laundry wrote! Dun stopper peck floors! Dun daily-doily
inner florist, an yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet
strainers!"

"Hoe-cake, murder," resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle
basking an stuttered oft.

Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut
mitten anomalous woof.

"Wail, wail, wail!" set disk wicket woof, "Evenescent Ladle Rat Rotten
Hut! Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?"

"Armor goring tumor groin-murder's," reprisal ladle gull. "Grammer's
seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter and shirker cockles."

"O hoe! Heifer gnats woke," setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb
shelf, "Oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groin-murder. Oil
ketchup wetter letter an den -- O bore!"

Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, an whinny retched a cordage offer
groin-murder, picked inner windrow, an sore debtor pore oil worming
worse lion inner bet. Inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honor
bet, pauched honor pore oil worming, an garbled erupt. Den disk
ratchet ammonol pot honor groin-murder's nut cup an gnat-gun, any
curdled ope inner bet.

Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft attar cordage, an ranker
dough ball. "Comb ink, sweat hard," setter wicket woof, disgracing is
verse.

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity bet rum, an stud buyer groin-murder's bet.

"O Grammar!" crater ladle gull historically, "Water bag icer gut! A
nervous sausage bag ice!"

"Battered lucky chew whiff, sweat hard," setter bloat-Thursday woof,
wetter wicket small honors phase.

"O Grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomalouse
prognosis!"

"Batterd small your whiff, doling," whiskered dole woof, ants mouse
worse waddling.

"O Grammar, water bag mouser gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!"

Daze worry on-forger-nut ladle gull's lest warts. Oil offer sodden,
caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard-hoarded woof
lipped own pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt.

Mural: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet
strainers.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stuart, via Just Too Funny!]

  I've never had a love so strong,
  I have been told, it may be wrong.
  Some criticize my love affair,
  I realize they're unaware.
  The joy she brings into my life,
  She's second only to my wife.
  I love to spend my time with her,
  Alone together, I prefer.
  She's always at my beckoned call,
  While with me, she can do it all.
  She stays up with me through the night,
  If I just push her buttons right.
  She responds to my every touch,
  Sometimes, it seems, I ask too much.
  Sometimes, I'm moving, way too fast,
  But, she does everything I ask.
  There's nothing for her, I won't buy,
  There's nothing new, that she won't try.
  There's nothing she won't do for me,
  I'm obsessed with my new P.C.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

MORE WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD

These are my favorites of over 300 new quotes I received including
full lists for X-Files, Star Trek, Monte Python, Computers, and
Babylon 5. Anyone wanting the full list can write me at
<Kegel@fea.net>. Also keep sending new quotes to the same address.

Stan Kegel
----------------
Pete Rose: 9 to 5, he doesn't make it.

Lorell Sprewell: I know I shouldn't have choked him but he had
stepped over the line when he crossed the road. What was I supposed
to do, ignore it.

Mike Tyson: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

Shirley MacLaine: After I was hatched from an egg in 1703, I recall
having to cross the road.

George Washington: We used chickens to sniff out British
Sympathizers. We called the operation "chicken cacciatore".

Rupert Murdoch: We have launched a new channel devoted entirely to
chicken crossings which will rival any channel run by Ted Turner.

Parker Brothers: To go directly to Jail without passing Go and
collecting $200.00.

Ted Turner: Chicken crossing is the most popular show on our TSN-5
Channel, easily beating high school tiddly-winks tournements.

Tevye: As the good book says, "If you cross the road to get out of
the rain, its snowing on the other side."

Darth Vader: She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to
stay out of my personal affairs.

Dr. Peter Venkman: This chick is "Toast".

Brett Maverick: As my pappy used to say, "If someone wants to bet you
that that chicken will cross the road to lay an egg, warm up the
skillet to make an omlette."

Walter Mitty: Staring out into space, he saw himself rescuing the
flock from slaughter, never hearing the approaching truck.

Hobson: He had no choice.

Forrest Gump: My Mama always says, "stupid is what stupid does."

Vito Corleone: We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Mike Callahan: Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased;
shared chicken is soup. Joseph Guillotine: So he could get a
head-start on the competition.

Andrew Comstock: It is shocking for a chicken to cross showing its
breast without dressing. He who stops to observe the chicken will be
damned to spend eternity in Hell.

David Letterman: And the number one reason that the chicken crossed
the road: He heard Disney was casting for its new cartoon version of
Kafka's "The Metamorphosis".

Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Mickey Spillane: She was a bantam bombshell with a body that could
rock Plymouth and a feather on top of her comb, as I watched her
crossing the road slowly slithering towards my cubbyhole I call an
office.

Joseph Heller: The chicken had to cross because not crossing meant he
would die, a victim Milo's black market. Of course, crossing meant he
would die anyway as the jeep zoomed by. So he could have crossed and
died. Or he could have stayed put and died. Those were his only
choices, so he had to cross. Or not cross.

John Fowles: Roosters love to cross the road because it allows them
to look serious. Because it is the one thing that stops hens from
laughing at them.

William Faulkner: The chicken, weighed down by the burden of a
thousand chickens before her who in the swirling dust of the
lightbespeckled dusk of far fields in the long gone time of
Gettysburg and Cold Harbor and Vicksburg, picked her way through the
brown and muddy road as she sought to relive the faded glory and
dying dreams of Grandmother--Grandmother whose eggs were sacrificed
in one swirling raid upon the General's tent one crisp October
morning because Jeb Stuart was lacking coffee.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most meaningful
reality in life is individual freedom, and the supreme expression of
individual freedom is suicide.

Raymond Chandler: She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black
jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew
that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first
opportunity and never look back.

Cotton Mather: She is a witch in league with the devil, who must be
Bar-B-Qued on the stake.

William Harrison Hays: A hen and rooster may be seen together only if
they are on opposite sides of the road. A chicken shall never be
shown crossing the road if another chicken is present.

Newt Gingrich: The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative
and not wait for a government-funded traffic light program.

Al Gore: I wasn't there. I didn't call it. It didn't make a political
contribution. I don't think it's a Buddhist. We didn't let it into
the White House---to my knowledge.

Kurt Weill: Chicken's sneaking 'round the corner, afraid of meeting
Mack the Knife.

William Blake:

        Little chicken, who set thee free
        To wander here on Highway Three?
        "Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
        He is called the Lamb of God."

        Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
        You did not see that auto speeding.
        "Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
        God just had a Tygerish mood."

John Phillip Sousa: He was marching to a different tune.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from the Jewish Humor List - rejected ONLY because it is too long!]

+----------------------------------------------------+
: THIS PARODY IS INTENDED ONLY FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES.:
: IF ANYONE IS OFFENDED, WE APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.    :
: WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS, COMPLAINTS,   :
: AND SUGGESTIONS. PLEASE SEND THEM TO:              :
: KennethGMiller@juno.com or IleneMM@juno.com        :
:                                                    :
: (c) 1997 Akiva and Ilene Miller. Permission is     :
: granted to copy and recirculate, but only for      :
: free, and only if we get the credit (or blame!)    :
:                                                    :
: To get the nicely-formatted Word6 version,         :
: write me at KGMiller@DatacorInc.com                :
+----------------------------------------------------+



Have you ever wondered what Xmas would be like it if were a Jewish
holiday?....

+----------------+
:  LAWS OF XMAS  :
+----------------+



I. PREPARING FOR XMAS
---------------------

1. PREPARATIONS FOR XMAS MUST NOT BEGIN(1) BEFORE THANKSGIVING.(2)
THIS APPLIES TO PREPARATIONS WHICH AFFECT THE HOLIDAY MOOD,(3) BUT NOT
THOSE WHICH ARE DONE IN PRIVATE.(4)

(1) This contrasts sharply with Shabbos, for the mitzva of honoring
Shabbos applies all week long. For example, if one finds a
particularly good food during the week, one should save it for Shabbos
even though it is now only Sunday and Shabbos is a week away. However,
Xmas preparations may not begin too far in advance, in order to
fulfill the dictum, "It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas." (2) This
is because of the principle that two festive occasions should not be
mixed into each other. Note the decree of the great R.H. Macy, who
established that Santa Claus may not appear in the Thanksgiving Day
parade until after all the other floats have passed. (3) Such as
setting up the Xmas tree (some say even buying one,) or playing
holiday music on the Muzak. (4) Such as buying gifts or buying the
Xmas dinner turkey. Cooking the turkey may not be done before
Thanksgiving because it will appear to be a Thanksgiving turkey.

2. SOME HOLD THAT THE TREE SHOULD BE DECORATED IMMEDIATELY AFTER
THANKSGIVING,(5) BUT OTHERS PREFER TO DECORATE IT AS CLOSE TO XMAS AS
POSSIBLE.(6)

(5) For the mitzva of "adding to the yom tov" by beginning the Xmas
season early. (6) As it is said, "Do not put off for tomorrow, that
which can be put off for the day after tomorrow."



II. THE TREE
------------

1. ANY SPECIES OF TREE IS KOSHER FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE, PROVIDED THAT
IT HAS NEEDLES AND NOT LEAVES. IN OUR LANDS IT IS CUSTOMARY TO USE A
FIR TREE.(7) IT SHOULD BE REASONABLY FRESH, BUT NOT TOO FRESH, IN
ACCORDANCE WITH THE PRINCIPLE "A XMAS TREE WITH NO FALLEN NEEDLES IS
LIKE A SUKKAH WITH NO BUZZING BEES."

(7) If the lady of the house already has a fur, then any evergreen may
be used.

2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS
TREE; IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT
FOR GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS TREE,
SOME AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN TREE IS
NOT VALID FOR THE MITZVAH.(8) FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO CHOP HIS
OWN TREE HIMSELF.(9)

(8) One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission
from the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own
backyard. A tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park
(which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as
stolen and pasul. (9) One who is unable to cut his own tree should
make sure to purchase it from a reputable dealer, or one who is
certified by a national kashrus organization.

3. DURING THE SHMITTA YEAR, A JEW MAY NOT CUT THE TREE DOWN, BUT IT
SHOULD BE DONE BY A GENTILE. HOWEVER, SINCE THE TREE IS INEDIBLE, THE
PROBLEMS OF "KEDUSHAS SHVIIS" WHICH APPLY TO THE ESROG DO NOT APPLY TO
THE XMAS TREE.

4. THE TREE MUST BE BRIGHT GREEN. BRIGHT RED, OR A MIXTURE OF GREEN
AND RED, IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE FOR A XMAS TREE(10), BUT BROWN IS NOT.
THERE MAY BE ONE BROWN SPOT NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE,(11) BUT IN
THE TOP HALF OF THE TREE, EVEN ONE BROWN SPOT WILL PASSUL THE TREE. A
TRULY PIOUS PERSON WILL MAKE SURE TO BRING ALONG A XMAS TREE EXPERT
WHEN HE GOES TO LOOK FOR HIS TREE.(12)

(10) Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many Sefaradim
adorn the tree with red poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer
poinsettas. (11) Or even two, provided they are on opposite sides so
they cannot be both seen at the same time. (12) But it is more macho
to pretend to be an expert and pick the tree out himself.

5. THE REQUIRED HEIGHT OF THE TREE IS SUBJECT TO MANY RULES. AN INDOOR
TREE MUST BE TALL ENOUGH SO THAT IT REACHES WITHIN 3 TEFACHIM OF THE
CEILING.(13) AN OUTDOOR TREE MUST BE AT LEAST 20 AMOS TALL.

(13) Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a
smaller tree - even a bonsai - may be used, provided it has toy people
around it who will make it appear tall.

6. THE LAW IS "ETZ ISH U'BEITO" - ONE TREE FOR A MAN AND HIS HOME.
THIS TEACHES THAT INDIVIDUALS MUST HAVE A XMAS TREE AT THEIR HOME, AND
THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE TREE IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE FAMILY,
BUT PUBLIC PLACES ARE EXEMPT. IF ONE WISHES TO PLACE HIS PERSONAL TREE
IN A PUBLIC LOCATION HE MAY DO SO, BUT HE WILL NOT HAVE FULFILLED HIS
OBLIGATION UNLESS IT IS TRULY SEEN BY THE PUBLIC. IN THIS CASE, "SEEN
BY THE PUBLIC" MEANS THAT THE TREE IS LARGE ENOUGH THAT IT IS SHOWN ON
THE LOCAL TV NEWS REPORTS.(14)

(14) This is the origin of the custom of the great tree in Rockefeller
Center, where a shaliach from Lubavitch lights the tree just before
sunset on Erev Xmas, and is then returned to Crown Heights by an NYPD
helicopter in time for the dinner meal.

7. IN RECENT YEARS, THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT CONTROVERSY OVER THE USE OF
MANUFACTURED TREES. L'HALACHA, SOME HOLD THEY ARE PASUL,(15) WHILE
OTHER AUTHORITIES HOLD THEY ARE VALID.(16)  L'MAASEH, HOWEVER, EVEN
THE LENIENT OPINIONS HOLD THAT ARTIFICIAL TREES ARE TOO TACKY, AND
THUS VIOLATE THE PRINCIPLE OF "HADAR". BUT IF ONE HAS ALREADY MET HIS
OBLIGATION BY DISPLAYING AT LEAST ONE KOSHER XMAS TREE, HE MAY HAVE
ADDITIONAL TREES OF ANY KIND, NATURAL OR NOT.(17)

(15) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("A tree is alive"), teaching
that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it
was alive at some point. (16) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("It
is a tree of life"), teaching that some trees have life, and others do
not necessarily have life. (17) Similarly, manufactured trees are
acceptable in malls, offices, and other exempt public places.

8. ORIGINALLY, THE LAW WAS THAT THE TREE MUST BE DISPLAYED SO THAT IT
WOULD BE VISIBLE TO PASSERS-BY OUTSIDE THE HOME. OVER THE CENTURIES,
AS PERSECUTIONS INCREASED, THE PEOPLE INSIDE THE HOME BECAME THE MAIN
AUDIENCE. EVEN SO, IT SHOULD BE DISPLAYED IN A PROMINENT AREA OF THE
HOUSE, TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THIS MITZVAH. WHEN POSSIBLE, IT SHOULD
PREFERABLY BE BY A WINDOW WHERE IT COULD BE VIEWED FROM THE STREET, TO
CONTINUE THE ORIGINAL PRACTICE.



III. DECORATING THE TREE
------------------------

1. AS WITH ALL MITZVOS, THE TREE SHOULD BE TASTEFULLY(18) DECORATED.
POPCORN TASTES EXCELLENT, AND SOME STRING POPCORN TOGETHER (WITH
NEEDLE AND THREAD)(19) TO MAKE LONG CHAINS WHICH ARE WRAPPED AROUND
THE TREE.

(18) In order to keep children actively interested and participating
in all the goings-on, "tasteful" is defined by the youngest person in
the household. This generally results in displaying all sorts of
holiday projects in school, no matter how tacky or amateurishly done,
giving great prominence to "artwork" which is normally allowed nowhere
but the refrigerator door. (19) To remind us of the pasuk, "We're all
connected." (Nynex)

2. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT MINHAGIM REGARDING THE DECORATIONS. THE
MORE DECORATED THE TREE, THE BETTER. ONE MUST BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE
THE DECORATIONS ARE PUT ON SYMMETRICALLY.(20)

(20) This is derived from the law that one's head tefillin must be in
the exact middle of one's head, and the similarity of the words
"tefillin" and "tree fallen".

3. TREE DECORATIONS ARE CONSIDERED "MUKTZA L'MITZVASA", "SET ASIDE FOR
ITS MITZVA", AND MAY NOT BE USED FOR ANY PERSONAL USE UNTIL AFTER XMAS
IS OVER.(21) FOR EXAMPLE, EDIBLE DECORATIONS MAY NOT BE EATEN UNTIL
AFTER XMAS. SIMILARLY, SINCE THEY MAY NOT BE USED FOR PERSONAL USE,
ANY DECORATIONS WHICH FALL FROM THE TREE ON SHABBOS OR ON YOM TOV MAY
NOT BE REPLACED(22) UNTIL AFTER SHABBOS OR YOM TOV.

(21) See Siman 9 below for opinons regarding when Xmas actually ends.
(22) Or even handled.



IV. GIFTS
---------

1. ONE IS OBLIGATED TO BUY PRESENTS, REGARDLESS OF HIS INCOME LEVEL,
FOR EVERY PERSON THAT HE HAS EVER SPOKEN TO IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE AND
THEIR IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS. ONE MAY GO INTO SERIOUS DEBT IN ORDER
TO CARRY OUT THIS MITZVAH. PRESENTS MAY BE EXCHANGED AT ANY CONVENIENT
TIME DURING DECEMBER UP UNTIL THE 25TH.

2. REGARDING A CHILD WHOSE BIRTHDAY OCCURS ON OR AROUND XMAS, SOME SAY
TO GIVE HIM A DOUBLE PORTION OF GIFTS,(23) AND OTHERS SAY TO GIVE HIM
A SINGLE PORTION.(24) SOME RESOLVE THIS BY GETTING HIM A NORMAL NUMBER
OF GIFTS, BUT THEY WOULD BE DOUBLE IN SIZE OR VALUE.(25)

(23) Which may cause others to feel cheated.
(24) Which will surely cause him to feel cheated.
(25) Another idea has been to celebrate "Xmas in August". See Rabbi
Edward's opinion below, in section 9:2.



V. THE OFFICE PARTY
-------------------

1. "WHEN DECEMBER ARRIVES, OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY DECREASES".(26)
BEGINNING AT 9:00 AM ON THE MONDAY PRIOR TO XMAS, ALL REAL OFFICE WORK
STOPS.(27) IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION OF DOING REAL WORK,
EMPLOYEES BUSY THEMSELVES WITH TASKS SUCH AS THE COMPANY NEWSLETTER,
OR PLANNING THE OFFICE "HOLIDAY PARTY".

(26) As it is said, "It's a slow time of year."
(27) When that Monday is Erev Xmas itself, this work stoppage is moved
up to the preceding Monday.

2. IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT ALL COMPANIES CONDUCT AN ANNUAL "HOLIDAY
PARTY" EACH YEAR. THIS HAD BEEN CALLED A "XMAS PARTY" UNTIL 1972, WHEN
THE SUPREME COURT RULED IT TO BE A DISCRIMINATORY NAME. THE TERM
"HOLIDAY PARTY" WAS ENACTED IN ORDER TO MAKE NATIVE AMERICANS, ASIANS,
AND MUSLIMS(27a) ALL FEEL EQUALLY UN-AMERICAN.

(27a) When Ramadan is not in December.

3. THE "HOLIDAY PARTY", IN ORDER TO BE DONE PROPERLY, REQUIRES A GREAT
DEAL OF RITUAL DRINKING AND DEBAUCHERY. "AD'LOYADA" - ONE MUST DRINK
AND CONTINUE DRINKING UP TO(28) THE POINT HE CANNOT TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIS FAT DUMPY WIFE AND HIS GORGEOUS 22 YEAR-OLD
BLOND SECRETARY.(29)

(28) In this case, "up to" means "ad v'lo ad b'clal" - "up to but NOT
including" the point when he cannot tell the difference. Once one has
reached this point he is excused from further drinking. See next note
for more details. (29) The example above presumes that he is a male,
and his secretary is a female. However, if his secretary is male, and
he has reached the point where he cannot tell the difference between
his fat dumpy wife and his handsome 22 year-old blond male secretary,
then he is forbidden to drink any more alcohol until Purim.

4. ALL BANKS AND OFFICES MUST CLOSE AT NOON(30) ON THE 24TH OF
DECEMBER SO THAT EVERYONE MAY BE ABLE TO GET HOME IN TIME TO TAKE CARE
OF THE LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS.

(30) Retail establishments remain open until 4 PM on Erev Xmas, and
Toys 'R' Us until midnight. Denny's never closes.



VI. THE FESTIVE MEAL
--------------------

1. AFTER TZEIS HAKOCHAVIM, THE FAMILY GATHERS TOGETHER FOR THE EREV
XMAS MEAL. THERE ARE VARIOUS OPINIONS AS TO WHAT IS TO BE EATEN AT
THIS MEAL. ONLY FISH IS TO BE EATEN AT THE EREV XMAS MEAL.(31)
ITALIANS HAVE THE MINHAG OF EATING 12 FISHES(32) AT THIS MEAL
CORRESPONDING TO THE 12 DAYS OF XMAS.

(31) When Erev Xmas is on Friday, and the seudah coincides with the
first Shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used. (32) Even on
Shabbos, one can easily reach 12 different kinds of gefilte fish:
Rabbi Yosi HaGlili said, How can we show that four different fishes
can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four different fishes
in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,) but we are now
able to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in
jars, frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it
follows that if there were four different species, then there are 12
different gefilte fishes. Rabbi Eliezer said, How can we show that
each of the twelve fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can
be made with or without salt, with or without sugar, and with or
without matzo meal, and there are eight combinations of those three
options. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared eight
ways, then there are a total of 96 dishes! Rabbi Akiva said, How can
we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually sixteen dishes?
Because each of Rabbi Eliezer's eight recipes can be made either
cooked or baked. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared
sixteen ways, then there are a total of 192 dishes!

2. ONCE THE MEAL IS COMPLETE, THE FAMILY GATHERS IN THE ROOM WITH THE
TREE WHERE THEY SING ZEMIROS AND DRINK EGGNOG.(33) AT MIDNIGHT THE
FAMILY HEADS TO SHUL FOR TIKKUN CHATZOS. SOME OPINIONS SAY THAT TIKKUN
CHATZOS CAN BE SAID AS EARLY AS 8:00 PM,(34) BUT IT IS GOOD TO BE
STRINGENT ON ONESELF.

(33) Eggnog being a milchig drink, some hold that this is the real
reason for eating fish instead of meat. (34) So that the children will
be awake.



VII. SANTA CLAUS
--------------

1. FOR MANY YEARS, THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS WAS A SUBJECT OF
INTENSE MACHLOKES IN THE ADULT COMMUNITY. IN 1897, A TEAM OF
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS WAS COMMISSIONED BY ONE VIRGINIA O'HANLON TO
RESOLVE THE QUESTION. THEIR FINDINGS, CONCLUDED "YES, VIRGINIA, THERE
IS A SANTA CLAUS."(35) THIS WAS REAFFIRMED SEVERAL DECADES LATER IN A
COURT CASE BROUGHT IN NEW YORK COUNTY SUPREME COURT.(36)

(35) New York _Sun_, September 21, 1897
(36) Testimony from the United States Post Office proved to be crucial
in deciding this case, as documented in _Miracle_on_34th_Street_,
1947.

2. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN TO LIGHT ANY KIND OF FIRE IN THE
FIREPLACE ON THIS EVENING.(37) THOSE WHO WANT TO ROAST CHESTNUTS ON AN
OPEN FIRE SHOULD USE A BARBECUE.

(37) DUH! (But see also below, note 39)

3. TO DEMONSTRATE OUR FAITH(38) IN SANTA, EACH YEAR WE LEAVE HIM A
PLATE OF DONUTS OR COOKIES ON A TABLE NEAR THE TREE, WITH A GLASS OF
MILK TO DRINK. SOON AFTER THIS PRACTICE BEGAN, CHILDREN BEGAN TO
QUESTION WHY THE MILK WAS STILL ON THE TABLE THE FOLLOWING MORNING, SO
THEIR PARENTS ADOPTED THE MINHAG OF DRINKING THE MILK AFTER THE
CHILDREN WENT TO BED. HOWEVER, JUST THREE YEARS AGO,(39) WHILE
DELIVERING HIS GIFTS, SANTA ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED TO A YOUNG GIRL THAT
HE SUFFERED FROM LACTOSE INTOLERANCE, AND THAT THIS IS WHY THE MILK
HAD BEEN LEFT UNDRUNK ALL THOSE YEARS. THE FOLLOWING YEAR, SHE LEFT
HIM A GLASS OF PAREVE SOYBEAN "MILK", AND THIS PRACTICE HAS SPREAD FAR
AND WIDE SINCE THEN. (IN COMMUNITIES WHICH ACCEPT THE USE OF
GOVERNMENT SUPERVISED MILK IN LIEU OF RABBINIC CHOLOV YISROEL, LACTAID
MILK IS USED INSTEAD.)

(38) "I believe with complete faith that he knows if you've been bad
or good, so be good for goodness sake." Ani Maamin #11, daily siddur.
(39) _The_Santa_Clause_, by Tim Allen, produced by Walter Disney,
1994. This film also showed Santa's new fire-resistant suit which was
developed just that year. Nevertheless, the principle is that a
protective measure is not abandoned even if the reason no longer
exists, and so the ban on lighting fireplace fires remains in full
force.



VIII. OTHER MINHAGIM
--------------------

1. ONE IS TO RISE EARLY ON THE MORNING OF THE 25TH IN ORDER TO OPEN
THE PRESENTS. THERE IS A SEUDAS MITZVAH WHICH MUST BE COMPLETED BEFORE
SHKIA.

2. MEAT AND WINE MUST BE SERVED AT THIS MEAL. LOTS ARE DRAWN TO CHOOSE
A DESIGNATED DRIVER WHO MAY NOT HAVE ANY WINE.

3. THE MEAT MAY ONLY BE ROASTED. ONE MAY NOT EAT ANY BOILED OR BROILED
MEAT AT THIS MEAL.

4. AFTER THE MEAL, MANY HAVE THE CUSTOM TO RETIRE TO THE FAMILY ROOM
TO WATCH SPORTS ON T.V.

5. KIDDUSH IS NOT RECITED ON XMAS, BUT ONE SHOULD DEFINITELY HAVE SOME
HOLLY.



IX. HAVDALA
-----------

1. THERE ARE MANY OPINIONS REGARDING WHEN THE XMAS SEASON IS OVER.(40)
BAIS HILLEL HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER WHEN THE LAST ITEM IN THE AFTER
XMAS SALE HAS BEEN SOLD. BAIS SHAMMAI IS STRICT AND HOLDS THAT XMAS IS
OVER IMMEDIATELY AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE FOOTBALL GAME.

(40) Many are confused by the term "twelve days of Xmas", implying
that the Xmas continues until and including January 5. Today, this
view is accepted only by the Eastern Orthodox, who hold that December
26 through January 5 constitute Chol Hamoed Xmas. This view is opposed
by both the Modern Orthodox and the Ultra Orthodox (and even the Non
Orthodox) who hold that Xmas is only one day long, and any context
which seems otherwise actually refers to the Xmas *season*.

2. WALLED CITES CONTINUE XMAS UNTIL THE END OF THE WINNING TEAM'S
TICKER-TAPE PARADE. A RECENT ACHARON, RABBI EDWARD, CELEBRATED XMAS IN
AUGUST; FOR THIS HE BECAME KNOWN AS "CRAZY EDDIE".



X. HAGADA FOR XMAS
------------------

This is the fruitcake of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400
years ago. All who are in need, come and celebrate Xmas with us. All
who are hungry, come and partake of this 400-year-old fruitcake, as it
is written, "Let them eat cake!" This year we watch football in the
living room, next year may the Super Bowl come to our city!


Some have the minhag to place the gift-wrapped presents under the tree
so that they will pique the curiosity of the children so that they
will ask the four essential questions:
     How come I have presents and Santa Claus didn't come yet?
     Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
     How much is that gorilla in the window?
     Why did the chicken cross the road?


We were slaves to our employers, working seven days a week with no
benefits, and then the unions were organized, and decreed a five-day
workweek and many holidays in the end of the year. Now if the unions
had not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons, and even our
grandsons, would still have to work on Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas,
and New Years. But our daughters and granddaughters still await their
salvation.


There are four types of children who ask questions on Xmas: the wise
one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to
ask.
     What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand
     him
either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
     What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this holiday to
     you?"
Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him
from your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid
double-time and a half for working on Xmas day.
     What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You
will say to him, "This is dinner."
     As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room,
wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"


If we would have a beautiful tree, but not have stockings hanging from
the fireplace, it would have been enough. If we would have stockings
hanging from the fireplace, but not get today off from work, it would
have been enough. If we would get today off from work, and not get off
on Erev Xmas as well, it would have been enough. If we would get off
on Erev Xmas as well, but not get presents, it would have been enough.
If we would get presents, but not a delicious dinner, it would have
been enough. If we would have a delicious dinner and no dessert, it
would have been enough. If we would have dessert, but not watch the
football game, it would have been enough. If we would watch the
football game, but not see our team win, it would have been enough. If
we would see our team win, and have a hangover the next morning, it
would have been enough.

(Pick up the eggnog and say:) But we do have a beautiful tree, and we
have stockings hanging from the fireplace, and we got today off from
work, and we got off on Erev Xmas as well, and we got presents, a
delicious dinner, and dessert, and we watched the football game, and
saw our team win, and so we will now toast our team, and pray that we
do not get a hangover tomorrow morning: "Yay team!"

Next year is Purim!



Zmiros

Who knows one?
I know one!
One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows two?
I know two!
Two are the turtledoves, and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows three?
I know three!
Three are the french hens!
Two are the turtledoves, and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows four? I know four! Four are the calling birds! ...
Who knows five? I know five! Five are the gold rings! ...
Who knows six? I know six! Six are the geese a-laying! ...
Who knows seven? I know seven! Seven are the swans a-swimming! ... Who
knows eight? I know eight! Eight are the maids a-milking! ... Who
knows nine? I know nine! Nine are the drummers drumming! ... Who knows
ten? I know ten! Ten are the pipers piping! ... Who knows eleven! I
know eleven! Eleven are the ladies dancing! ...

Who knows twelve?
I know twelve!
Twelve are the lords a-leaping!
Eleven are the ladies dancing
Ten are the pipers piping
Nine are the drummers drumming
Eight are the maids a-milking
Seven are the swans a-swimming
Six are the geese a-laying
Five are the gold rings
Four are the calling birds
Three are the french hens
Two are the turtle doves and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.

-------------------

One little reindeer, one little reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a cat and ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a dog and bit the cat,
That ate the reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a stick and beat the dog,
That bit the cat that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a fire and burned the stick, ...
Then came the water and quenched the fire, ...
Then came an ox and drank the water, ...
Then came a shochet and slaughtered the ox, ...
Then came the angel of death and killed the shochet, ...

Then came the Blessed Holy One and slew the angel of death,
That killed the shochet that slaughtered the ox
That drank the water that quenched the fire
That burned the stick that beat the dog
That bit the cat that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Tonya, on Rehu]

Tom the Toad 
(Sung to the tune of "Oh Tannenbaum")

Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
You were my friend, and now you're dead, 
You bear the marks of tire tread. 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 

Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
You did not see yon passing car, 
And now you're stretched out on the tar. 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 

Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
You hopped out to the yellow line, 
And turned into a streak of slime. 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 

Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
It's clear to all you're in a rut, 
We all did see your gushing gut. 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 

Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
There was a loud and awful crash, 
For poor old Tom had just got smashed 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 

Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
Your skin was green, Your blood was red, 
Your eyes now hang, Just by a thread! 
Oh, Tom the toad, oh Tom the toad, why did you jump out in the road? 
+---------------------------------------------+
WHO'S ON FIRST?	
Bud Abbot and Lou Costello

Lou: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the
guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball
park I'll be able to know those fellows? 

Bud: All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball 
players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." 
Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I 
Don't Know is on third --

Lou: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names
of the fellows on the St. Louis team. 

Bud: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know 
is on third -- 

Lou: You know the fellows' names? 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: Well, then who's playin' first. 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: I mean the fellow's name on first base. 

Bud: Who. 

Lou: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. 

Bud: Who. 

Lou: The guy on first base. 

Bud: Who is on first. 

Lou: Well, what are you askin' me for? 

Bud: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST. 

Lou: I'm asking you -- who's on first? 

Bud: That's the man's name! 

Lou: That's who's name? 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: Well, go ahead and tell me. 

Bud: Who. 

Lou: The guy on first. 

Bud: Who. 

Lou: The first baseman. 

Bud: Who is on first. 

Lou: Have you got a first baseman on first? 

Bud: Certainly. 

Lou: Then who's playing first? 

Bud: Absolutely. 

Lou: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets 
the money? 

Bud: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it. 

Lou: Who is? 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: So who gets it? 

Bud: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. 

Lou: Who's wife? 

Bud: Yes. After all the man earns it. 

Lou: Who does? 

Bud: Absolutely. 

Lou: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first 
base. 

Bud: Oh, no, no, What is on second base. 

Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second. 

Bud: Who's on first. 

Lou: That's what I'm trying to find out. 

Bud: Well, don't change the players around. 

Lou: I'm not changing nobody. 

Bud: Now, take it easy. 

Lou: What's the guy's name on first base? 

Bud: What's the guy's name on second base. 

Lou: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. 

Bud: Who's on first. 

Lou: I don't know. 

Bud: He's on third. We're not talking about him. 

Lou: How could I get on third base? 

Bud: You mentioned his name. 

Lou: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is 
playing third? 

Bud: No, Who's playing first. 

Lou: Stay offa first, will ya? 

Bud: Well what do you want me to do? 

Lou: Now what's the guy's name on first base? 

Bud: What's on second. 

Lou: I'm not asking ya who's on second. 

Bud: Who's on first. 

Lou: I don't know. 

Bud: He's on third. 

Lou: There I go back on third again. 

Bud: Well, I can't change their names. 

Lou: Say, will you please stay on third base. 

Bud: Please. Now what is it you want to know. 

Lou: What is the fellow's name on third base. 

Bud: What is the fellow's name on second base. 

Lou: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. 

Bud: Who's on first. 

Lou: I don't know. 

Bud: THIRD BASE! 

Lou: You got an outfield? 

Bud: Oh, sure. 

Lou: St. Louis has got a good outfield? 

Bud: Oh, absolutely. 

Lou: The left fielder's name? 

Bud: Why. 

Lou: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask. 

Bud: Well, I just thought I'd tell you. 

Lou: Them tell me who's playing left field. 

Bud: Who's playing first. 

Lou: Stay out of the infield! 

Bud: Don't mention any names out here. 

Lou: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field? 

Bud: What is on second. 

Lou: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. 

Bud: Who is on first. 

Lou: I don't know. 

Bud & Lou: (together and calmly) Third base. 

Lou: And the left fielder's name? 

Bud: Why. 

Lou: Because. 

Bud: Oh he's Center Field. 

Lou: (whimpers) Center field. 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team. 

Bud: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. 

Lou: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name. 

Bud: Tomorrow. 

Lou: You don't want to tell me today? 

Bud: I'm tell you, man. 

Lou: Then go ahead. 

Bud: Tomorrow. 

Lou: What time? 

Bud: What time what? 

Lou: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? 

Bud: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on -- 

Lou: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!" 

Bud: Then why come up here and ask? 

Lou: I want to know what's the pitcher's name. 

Bud: What's on second. 

Lou: I don't know. 

Bud & Lou: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!! 

Lou: You gotta Catcher? 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: The Catcher's name? 

Bud: Today. 

Lou: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. 

Bud: Now you've got it. 

Lou: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team. 

Bud: Well I can't help that. 

Lou: You know I'm a good catcher too. 

Bud: I know that. 

Lou: I would like to play for the St. Louis team. 

Bud: Well I might arrange that. 

Lou: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's 
pitching on the team, and I'm catching. 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball. 

Bud: Yes. Lou: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher 
-- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball 
and throw it to who? 

Bud: Now that's the first thing you've said right. 

Lou: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!! 

Bud: Well, that's all you have to do. 

Lou: Is to throw it to first base. 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: Now who's got it? 

Bud: Naturally. 

Lou: Who has it? 

Bud: Naturally. 

Lou: Naturally. 

Bud: Naturally. 

Lou: O.K. 

Bud: Now you've got it. 

Lou: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. 

Bud: No you don't you throw the ball to first base. 

Lou: Then who gets it? 

Bud: Naturally. 

Lou: O.K. 

Bud: All right. 

Lou: I throw the ball to Naturally. 

Bud: You don't you throw it to Who. 

Lou: Naturally. 

Bud: Well, naturally. Say it that way. 

Lou: That's what I said. 

Bud: You did not. 

Lou: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally. 

Bud: You don't. You throw it to Who. 

Lou: Naturally. 

Bud: Yes. 

Lou: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it. 

Bud: No. You throw the ball to first base-- 

Lou: Then who gets it? 

Bud: Naturally. 

Lou: That's what I'm saying. 

Bud: You're not saying that. 

Lou: I throw the ball to Naturally. 

Bud: You throw it to Who! 

Lou: Naturally. 

Bud: Naturally. Well say it that way. 

Lou: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! 

Bud: Now don't get excited. 

Lou: Who's gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base-- 

Bud: Then Who gets it. 

Lou: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT! 

Bud: That's it. All right now Take it easy. 

Lou: Hrmmph. 

Bud: Hrmmph. 

Lou: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the 
ball, so the guy runs to second. 

Bud: Uh-huh. 

Lou: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I 
don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow --a triple play. 

Bud: Yeah. It could be. 

Lou: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I 
don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn. 

Bud: What did you say. 

Lou: I said "I don't give a darn." 

Bud: Oh, that's our shortstop! 

Lou: ABBOTT!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Don Chesnel, via UGA Humor List]

Top 20 Replies by Computer Programmers when their Programs Don't Work

20. "That's weird."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong that made it crash."
14. "There is something wrong with your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module for a month."
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just a coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
 9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT!"
 8. "It works, but it hasn't been officially tested."
 7. "Somebody has changed my code."
 6. "Are you sure you don't have a virus in your system?"
 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it FEEL?"
 4. "You can't use THAT version on YOUR system."
 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
 2. "Where were you when this program blew up?"
 And the number one comment was:
 1. "I thought sure I fixed that!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Randall Woodman, via UGA Humor List]

YOU MIGHT BE A "MUSIC THEORY GEEK"  IF . . .

your favorite pickup line is, "What's your favorite augmented sixth
chord?"

you like to march around your room to the rhythms of Stravinsky's "Le
Sacre du Printemps."

you love to quote Walter Piston.

you long for the good old days of movable G-clefs.

you feel the need to end Tchaikovsky's Pathetique Symphony with a
picardy third.

you can improvise 16th century counterpoint with no trouble, but you
frequently forget how to tie your shoes.

you lament the decline of serialism.

you enjoy the tang of a tritone whenever you can.

you like to deceive your friends and loved ones with deceptive
cadences.

you find free counterpoint too liberal.

you wonder what a "Danish Sixth" would sound like.

the "Corelli Clash" gives you goosebumps.

you can hear an enharmonic modulation coming a mile away.

you have ever done a Schenkerian analysis on "Three Blind Mice."

you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on John Cage's "
4'33" ".

you have hosted a "Gurrelieder" party.

you have ever pondered what an augmented seventh chord would sound
like.

bass motion by ascending thirds or a sequential pattern with roots in
ascending fifths immediately strikes you as "belabored."

you know what the ninth overtone of the harmonic series is off the top
of your head.

you can name ten of Palestrina's contemporaries.

you have ever heard a wrong note in a performance of a piece by Berio,
Stockhausen, or Boulez.

when you're feeling particularly prankish, you transpose Mozart arias
to locrian mode.

you keep a notebook of useful diminutions.

those "parasitic" dissonances make you queasy, especially when left
unresolved.

you know the difference between a Courante and a Corrente.

you have ever used the word "fortspinnung" in polite conversation.

you feel cheated by evaded cadences.

every now and then you like to kick back and play something in
hypophrygian mode.

you abbreviate your shopping list using figured bass.

you have ever told a joke that had this punchline: "because it was
POLYPHONIC!"

you know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.

you can not only identify any one of Bach's 371 Harmonized Chorales by
ear, but you also know on what page it appears in the Riemenschneider
edition and how many suspensions it has in the first seven bars.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Lou Alcinder was probably the greatest college basketball player of
all time leading UCLA to three NCAA championships.

After graduating, he changed his name to Kareem Abdul Jabbar in 
recogniiton of his Muslem faith. He led the Milwaukee Bucks and later 
the Los Angeles Lakers to NCAA championships. Along with Bill Russell 
and Wilt Chamberlain, he is still considered one of the three best 
centers ever to play in the NCAA. 

After finishing his basketball career, he became an actor and is
probably best remembered as the co-pilot in the farce "Airplane".

Even in college, he was fascinated by modern biological science and
took part in an experiment whee cells were removed from his mouth,
cultured and frozen where thy will be kept until science is advanced
enough to clone humons. He has been promised that his cells will be 
the first used. Because of this the project at UCLA has always been 
known as Iced Kareem Clone.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bill's Punch Line]

HANDY POCKET-SIZE EXCUSE LIST

I'd love to but...

     I want to spend more time with my blender.
     The man on television told me to say tuned.
     It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
     I'm building a pig from a kit.
     I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
     There's a disturbance in the Force.
     I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
     I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
     I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
     I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
     My plot to take over the world is thickening. 
     I have to fulfill my potential. 
     It's too close to the turn of the century. 
     I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 
     I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 
     I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 
     I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 
     I'm trying to be less popular. 
     I have to study for a blood test. 
     I have to rotate my crops. 
     I prefer to remain an enigma.
     I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
+---------------------------------------------+
rian analysis on "Three Blind Mice."

you have ever tried to do a Schenkerian analysis on John Cage's "
4'33" ".

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"  Q"   Q"  "  "  %#  j#  #  #  :$  u$  w$  $  %  J%  %  %  &  \&  &  &  .'  v'   v'  '  (  M(  (  (  )  X)  )  )  ,*  n*  *  *  *  +  ]+  +  +  $,  h,   h,  ,  ,  8-  z-  -  -  E.  .  .  .  /  X/  /  /  '0  l0  0  0  0  0   0  1  1  @1  ^1  `1  1  1  1  1  1  $2  X2  r2  2  2  2  3  -3  a3  {3   {3  3  3  4  4  ;4  |4  4  4  4  5  S5  5  5  5  5  6  !6  C6  E6  6   6  6  6  7  7  =7  Z7  u7  7  7  7  7  8  8  O8  8  8  8  8  ,9  X9   X9  z9  |9  9  9  2:  ^:  :  :  :  ';  I;  ;  ;  ;  ;  <  N<  <  <  <   <  <  <  8=  :=  =  =  =  =  >  >  R>  c>  e>  >  >  >  >  B?  w?  y?   y?  ?  @  B@  D@  @  @  @  @  @  ,A  .A  sA  A  A  A  *B  hB  jB  B  B   B  B  B  C  C  MC  C  C  C  D  YD  cD  eD  D  D  D  E  (E  YE  tE  vE   vE  E  E  E  E  E  ;F  |F  F  F  F  G  ZG  G  G  )H  pH  H  H  H   I    I  BI  gI  iI  I  I  I  J  ;J  cJ  eJ  J  J  J  !K  iK  K  K  <L  L  L   L  L  L  M  cM  M  M  +N  iN  kN  N  N  O  O  dO  O  O  O  ,P  \P  P   P  P  P  P  &Q  nQ  Q  Q  1R  3R  tR  R   S  DS  S  S  T  T  ZT  T  T   T  T  T  T  U  	U  HU  UU  WU  U  U  U  V  V  :V  RV  mV  }V  V  V  V   V  V  V  V   W  W  -W  @W  BW  ZW  {W  W  W  W  W  W  	X  X  X  4X  KX   KX  dX  X  X  X  X  X  X  Y  @Y  BY  Y  Y  Z  AZ  CZ  qZ  sZ  Z  Z  
[   
[  [  U[  y[  {[  [  [  [  E\  \  \  ]  L]  N]  ]  ]  ]  ]  
^  ^  P^   P^  [^  ]^  ^  ^  ^  	_  _  _  ]_  h_  j_  _  _  _  _  _  7`  9`  x`  `   `  `  `  `  a  a  a  Ma  Oa  a  a  a  a  a  b  b  Lb  Wb  b  b  b   b  b  b  c  Cc  Ec  c  c  c  c  .d  [d  ]d  d  d  'e  De  Fe  e  e  f   f  	f  Nf  f  f  f  
g  g  Qg  g  g  g  g  g  2h  zh  h  h  h  +i  <i   <i  >i  i  i  i  i  +j  bj  dj  j  j  k  k  Jk  k  k  k  l  !l  #l  jl   jl  l  l  l  m  m  Mm  ]m  _m  m  m  m  n  ]n  dn  fn  n  n  )o  +o  so   so  o  o  o  o  o  Dp  p  p  p  p  #q  eq  gq  q  q  ,r  @r  Br  r  r   r  r  r  3s  cs  es  s  s  +t  -t  qt  t  t  t  u  u  `u  u  u  u  u   u  :v  v  v  v  v  w  :w  <w  w  w  w  w  :x  <x  x  x  x  x  y  .y   .y  0y  vy  y  z  z  z  az  z  z  z  {  Y{  {  {  {  |  |  H|  J|  |   |  |  }  H}  J}  }  }  }  	~  N~  ~  ~  ~  ~  0  K  M             2  4  z        L  v  x      J    ΂      0  w         Ƀ  ˃    +  -  s      ׄ      +  <  >      ʅ    I  K   K      І        @  b      Ň      ,  Q  |    Ĉ         7  `      Չ        D  F    ˊ    H  J  V  h      ҋ   ҋ    *  ,  i  k            ;  x  z        C  X  Z       ݎ  ߎ  #  N  P      ԏ      #  %  l    ̐  ΐ    M  O  j   j  l          .  l      Ғ    ;  =    ȓ      *  ,  p   p          H    Օ    B  D    ̖  ߖ    !  _      $  i   i    ٘  ۘ  "  h      ˙    S  u  w    ֚  ؚ    a               f    Μ  М    &  (  8  :  e            B  k         Ϟ     F  H        (  `    Р    @  x         X  Z   Z  \  ^        Ƣ  ڢ            "  $  h    գ  ף    X   X      )  q      @    æ    F      ̧    !  #  h                     L    թ    A  C        ڪ  "  i             S    ٬  !  e    խ  ׭    c          F    ү       ?  A    ð  	  O      Ա    W  Y          U      +   +  r      !  #  k         "  j      7  ~  ÷      @       и    [        )  p      A  b  d  f  h          &   &  k  v  x      G    ֽ    2  4  y        8  y           *  o      0  2  y                  8             :          3  f                  F        ?   ?  A  r          g      !  #  K  M        ]  s  u         J        d        +  M  O                     @        *  ,  q      :        S      #  e         6  z      9  ;        Q  h  j                )   )  +  m      8          ,  o  v  x       "  $  M  O           c      ,  q      <          +  n      8  |   |                  E  M  O          %  '  m                         B      	    O      "  h           .  v                "  h      2  4  6  ~         *  i          	  O      $  k  w  y  {        Q  [   [        ,  o        T          (  o      E           U          D        Z                             	    4  X  Z  l  {            T        c   c              >  Y  y          	  $  B  f  h  }                 ?  j  l              A  b               F            F  n              :  <             `  b        >          :  _        6  [  ~           U  y        1  x       C U q s   , .  . v     " h           G I U W               = ? ~              & ( A C O Q k m             K X Z            3 5 ] _  _ p r      	 	 1	 3	 J	 L	 w	 y	 	 	 	 	 	  	 	 
 
 B
 D
 n
 p
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   _ p r  r         + - W Y p r           %
 '
 W
 Y
 
 
 
 
 
 
     - / K M  M ^ `           . 0 ^ ` | ~       	  % ' Q S k m               : < H J         ) + E G ] _  _ p r         O Q w y          	 # % 1 3 N P ^ `        	 1 3  3 G I }       " $ c e    
 ? A v  v x             - / A C U W c  c e        
  ! - / A C i k             4 6 ] _ q s             " A C b d          	 ' ) h  h j           ? b d s u         " h          D l n       )   )  O        ! /! O! x! ! ! " E" w" " " " # I# u# w#  w# # # # # # >$ T$ V$ x$ z$ $ $ $ % % K% u% w% % %  % % % & & !& J& L& & & & & & & .' 0' s' }' ' ' '  ' ' ' ' =( w( y( ( ( ( ) ) N) g) i) ) ) ) ) ) 7*  7* D* F* * * * * * * 2+ F+ H+ + + + + + , 	, Q, ,  , , - 2- 4- y- - - - 9. . . . . ./ q/ s/ / / B0 0  0 0 0 1 61 81 W1 Y1 m1 o1 1 1 2 02 f2 2 2 3 D3 3 3  3 3 4 [4 4 4 5 *5 S5 u5 5 5 6 
6 f2 2 2 3 D3 3 3  
- 2          
   X      !   .   5  	 <  
 C   L   T  
 Y   `   ng   n   v   ~   t            0      .   b   )   ]   $            !   "   #  $  %  &  '  (  ) % * i + t" , ' - j.    " h           G I U W    	  Atlanta            = ? ~        