12/31/97

[from Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>

READY-MADE RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNETers - 1998

* Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names & birthdays

* Read all of the mail from all of the groups I've subscribed to

* Limit my subscriptions of e-mail jokes to a maximum of fifty

* See if there's anything on those 5 1/4" disks really worth saving

* Back-up 5 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly

* Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta

* Insist that all "ten best" lists be strictly limited to ten

* Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk

* Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail

* Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway

* Promise when I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't laugh

* Think of a password other than "password" to use on web sites

* Try to keep "Hot" Bookmarks under 1,000 entries

* Remember people who use low baud and mhz rates have feelings too

* Stop using  =-)  in all inter-office memos

* Start deleting stuff I haven't used in over 5 years

* Engage in small talk & not mention computers for at least 10 minutes

* Try to think up some new resolutions before next year
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

One New Year's Eve a beautiful young woman stood up at the local pub
and announced that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of
midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one
person who made his life worth living.  

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  The bartender was almost crushed
to death. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[forwarded by Mike Dimond, on Rehu]

What If Food Was Dirty And Sex Was Clean?

When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make
people.  You got to have sex.  You got to have food.  That's it. You
don't need clothing, shelter, or TV.  Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise,
it's sex and food.  But for some reason, sex is dirty.

Maybe God was a Republican.  Somebody said, "All right, you want to
propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors
closed, man on top, once a week, that's it."  But not only can you
eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it
in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck,
why don't you come over on Sunday?  We're going to kill a pig, cut
him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a
time."

What if they had been switched around?  What if, through a simple
twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty?  Our entire culture
would change.  Food would become a four-letter word.

-When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food
you.  Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." 

-Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. 

-Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's
a pepperoni." 

-Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this
weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." 

-Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. 

-Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry
section. 

-Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and
day-of-the-week paper plates. 

-Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. 

-Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right,
put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."

-Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of
them would move to the Bay Area. 

-Most suburban school districts would ban home ec. 

-Hookers would become cooks.  You'd be accosted on street corners by
plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot
meal? Wanna crack some crab?" 

-Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious
tenet. 

-Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. 

-Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or
they'll go blind. 

-Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them
marinating. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

A mineralized fruitcake received as a gift this holiday season by a
California geologist was examined and found to have become petrified
at a date markedly earlier than any previously examined example.

Radiocarbon dating of calcite within the specimen yielded an age of
3.1 million years (+/- 0.2 million years). This extends the record of
mineralized fruitcakes far beyond the late paleolithic examples
previously dated, apparently establishing the baking of fruitcakes to
be independent of domestication of grains, and casting doubt on past
attempts to use petrified fruitcakes as indicators of early
agriculture.

The remarkable date was also supported by the discovery in the
specimen of an embedded chip from a tooth tentatively identified as
belonging to a Homo Habilis, suggesting the behavior of recirculation
of gift fruitcakes has not been confined to one species.

More specimens are being sought as a more systematic examination of
larger numbers of gift fruitcakes may recover information about early
hominid development and culture. Please send your fruitcakes as
uuencoded e-mail attachments to Jack Shea (as administrator of this
list for several years, Jack clearly has considerable experience with
the occasional fruitcake).

Happy Holidays to all, and may Santite Claus fill your stockings with
rocks!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

"And then the programmers came to Jesus and asked:  'Master, which is
the greatest language of them all?'   And Jesus responded, saying 'The
greatest language is the Language of Love.'

And lo, the programmers did scoff and bicker among themselves,
because they had never heard of this language.  They had used COBOL
and Fortran and even PowerBuilder, and did not see how a language they
had never used could be better than all the languages they had studied
all their lives.

So they confronted Jesus in an effort to trick Him and asked 'In this
new language called love, what are the most powerful commands
available to You?' And Jesus answered them, saying 'The language has
but two commands altogether:  Love God and Love Man.'

And the programmers were further incensed and proclaimed to one
another:  'Perhaps he has developed a new RISC system with an
instruction set of two?  But how can these two instructions, which we
have never used before, be so much better than all the instructions we
have spent our lives learning and which we use every day?'

And so they confronted Jesus again, and said:  'How is it that Your
two-instruction language can be so powerful?  Our languages have many
instructions, with many variables associated with each instruction.
The more instructions available, the more combinations of instructions
you can create and the more you can accomplish.  What can You
accomplish with only these two commands?'

Then Jesus asked the programmers:  'If a man truly loves God with all
his heart and soul and mind, and truly loves his brother as much as he
loves himself, is there anything that such a man cannot accomplish?' 
And the programmers were sore perplexed and confused, for they had
never thought of it that way before.

As the programmers continued to debate and discuss these issues,
Jesus asked:  'Are there those among you who would like to learn this
language called love?'

And one programmer spoke right up, saying 'What is the training
schedule for this language?  Surely with only two commands, we can
learn this language in a matter of weeks, or with off-site training,
only a few days!'

But Jesus responded:  'I can place the basic principles of this
language into your life in the blink of an eye, but to master the
language will take you a lifetime.'

And a great uproar was heard among the programmers, for these were
bright programmers  and could master any set of commands in a short
time.  The roar turned to laughter as they joked about how foolish
anyone would be to start learning a language that took them so long to
master.  Then they slapped each other on the back and sauntered back
to their cubicles, knowing that this language must not be for real, or
if it was for real, it was not for them.'

[VERY loosely based on Matthew 22:34-46]
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

New Year's Resolutions for Induhviduals

Here are some New Year's Resolutions you can suggest to the
Induhviduals around you:

* I will not lick the flagpole on a freezing winter day even if
someone swears it tastes like cinnamon. 

* I will not comb my eyebrows over my head and try to pass it off as
a full head of hair. 

* I will not park in the handicapped space at the bowling alley no
matter how low my bowling average is. 

* I will never again joke with flight attendants about the explosive
device in my pants. 

* I will not use correction fluid as a condiment. 

* From now on, when giving my subordinates positive strokes I'll do
so verbally. 

* I will not try to send three-dimensional objects via email. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Marsha, via Jewish Humor List]

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who
was the most religious. 

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the
Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly
thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were
being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my
faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a
hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I
am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by
memory." 

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little
dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared
from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy
was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my
faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300
metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a
devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him." 

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in
my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city.
Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from
nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I
truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not
allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith
in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all
around me, it was Tuesday... " 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Bobby H, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

BIG SHOT

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.  For
a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the
staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about
the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather.  Typical bigshot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take
your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally
opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy
finally rolled over and bared his butt.

After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and
don't move.  I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar.  The guy's back is to the
door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the
hall, sniggering and chortling, some belly-laughing out loud.

At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his
bare ass in the air and gawked.  Finally, he asks, "What's going on
here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?"

"Not with a petunia."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

Windows 95 Error Codes

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found.
Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be
spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded: System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error: Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error: Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted: System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error: Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error: Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window: Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered: Only God knows what has
happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow: Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space: Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error: More Ram needed. More! More! More!...

WinErr: 00D Window closed: Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open: Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error: Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error: Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked: Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error: System has been destroyed. Buy a new
one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error: Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten: Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry. (snicker)

WinErr: 01B Illegal error: You are not allowed to get this error. Next
time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error: Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash: We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Timing error: Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes: Additional errors will be
lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error: A virus has been activated in a DOS-box.  The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be
closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found: A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow: Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error: Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory: Only 50.312.583 Bytes available and

WinErr: 625 Working Error: The system has been working perfectly for
the past ten minutes. Please reboot.

WniErr: 902 Screen Error: The system is working perfectly, Windows is
not lying, your monitor is wrong.

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt: Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error: What? Tell Windows again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: Although your disk is in perfect
condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't like it any
more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error: The files on the hard disk were neatly
arranged and fully optimised, so Windows had to mess them up and put a
couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error: Send $200 to Gates or your computer will
get so messed up it will never work again.

WinErr: 394 Memory Error: You have been attempting to run this on a
Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough.

WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from William Conway, via GCFL]

                   The Real Programmer At Play

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with
computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him
to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful
not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real
Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a
beer or two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the
computer room:

       At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner
       talking about operating system security and how to get around
       it.

       At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing
       the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold
       paper.

       At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing
       flowcharts in the sand.

       A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows.

       At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor
       George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the
       coronary."

       In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who
       insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner
       himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get
       it right the first time.

       The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in?
This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers.
Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff,
it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his
work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:

       Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked
       on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface
       in the office.

       Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
       Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the
       coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.

       Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL
       manual and the Principles of Operation open to some
       particularly interesting pages.

       Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the
       year 1969.

       Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter
       filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the
       bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending
       machine.

       Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of
       double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.

       Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by
       the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write
       programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintainence
       people.)

The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a
stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad
response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a
chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not
enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make
things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part
of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in
the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only
inpresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever
getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for
not doing the documentation. In general:

       No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at
       night.)

       Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

       Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.  [But you
       *never* know!]

       Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

       A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He
       does, however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code
       table.

       Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores
       aren't open at three in the morning.

       Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Michael A Dimond, on Rehu]

The Butchers Dance...

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every
single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film.
He winds up in Alice Springs so he pops into a pub for a well earned
beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborignes and tells him about his
project. The Aborigne asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher's
Dance". The guy's a bit cofused and says "Butcher's Dance? What's
that?"

"What? You no see Butcher's Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
see Butcher's Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher's Dance much more important than
corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher's Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher's Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see
Butcher's Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these
dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin.  After you
drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt
track for 126 miles til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree
you ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days til you hit
creek.  You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find
where creak flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross
mountains here though. You now head south for half day til you see
pass through mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2,
maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west
for 4 days til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's
head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here
you see Butcher's Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking
state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he
doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for
the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His
spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on
film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after
three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky
mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take it's toll by this
time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on
until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him
from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said
and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment
through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they
finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running
low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves
and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the
natives feed them and and give them fresh water and they begin to feel
like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the
village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher's
Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher's Dance last night. You too
late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not til' next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance
for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher's Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher's
Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated. But he has no other option but to head back to
civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite
willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed
in order to ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year
have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few
miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the
creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through
the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which
rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling
forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide
to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage
elements. Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the
mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down
the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been
travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher's Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too
late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher's Dance
performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon
setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual
on celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in
white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a
circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over
performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate
swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins
to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy
and he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most
sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the
spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them
through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so
gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding
of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to
the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself.
This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not
been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of
rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
voice, starts to sing:

"You butch yer right arm in. 
You butch yer right arm out. 
You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

ANGST: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon
probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns a recreational vehicle.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their
backsides; a closed circle of asses. 

CONNOISSEUR: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio
equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of
inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment
to Spanish music. 

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any
business or romantic  enterprise. 

FAD: A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon
it the badge of status. 

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so
that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume
wood-pulp. 

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually
receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain
them. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel]

This is the story about a guy who loved to fish off the shores of the
Gulf of Mexico near Galveston. He ran a gas station during the day
and went surf fishing in the afternoon. As much as he loved surf
fishing, he had one disadvantage: he could not cast more than 10
yards to save his life. Nothing he tried worked.

One day, after a particularly bad afternoon of short throws, he came
to the end of the line and vowed to give up surf fishing. However, in
the midst of his despair, he saw a vision on the, by now, deserted
beach. Out of the Gulf depths and through the surf came an old woman
carrying a load of heavy surf tackle directly toward him. She spoke
to him in a rough yet kind voice, saying, "I have watched you for
weeks now, and I am here to help. Let me teach you my way, and you
will never again leave this beach frustrated."

He was stunned by this strange situation, but he agreed. The old
woman stayed with him until moonrise, teaching him her techniques. At
the end of the lesson, she wished him luck and returned to the sea
through the surf, never to be seen again.

The man decided to try his new skills out at first light on the next
morning. When he woke, he gathered his gear and went to his gas
station. Instead of opening for business, he hung a sign on the door
which read:

"THIS STATION IS CONDUCTING A TEST OF THE EMERGING SEA-BROAD CASTING
SYSTEM." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

HOUSEPLANTS: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely
bite or throw up on the carpet. 

IDEOLOGUE: Typically, an obscure humourless zealot who finds
fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots. 

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a
paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable
background for entry into politics. 

LECHER: A stud with liver spots. 

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from
Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Albanian.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching
each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. 

MIRROR: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and
aging fashion models. 

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice
shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. 

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when
enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. 

REPRESSED: Sitting on one's inner demon to keep it decorously
immobilized, as practised by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who
attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to
become an oppressor.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Lowell, Massachusetts, is an old New England Mill town. Many of the 
Mills have been declared National Historical Sites and are included 
in a Federal Park. The problem was what to do with the other mills, 
and how to attract more tourists to the area. 

One bright young marketeer pointed out that Germans like to travel
with their dogs, and this was difficult in the U.S. Why not make the
mills into canine hotels? he suggested. 

The plan was adopted on a trial basis, but not without some
skepticism. Several months later, the skeptics approached the young
man to ask how the experiement was going. 

"Just listen!" he said. "The Mills are alive with the hounds of
Munich!" 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Paul & Joan Blumstein, via Jewish Humor List] 

THE NEW ARTSCROLL SHAKESPEARE

Introducing the New Artscroll Shakespeare...........
The complete works of the Gaon of Avon are brought to you in one 
beautiful imitation leather-bound volume.

"All that glistens ......."
Printed on shiny white paper with a little gold leaf on the edges, no
family can afford to  miss the Launcelot Gobbo Edition printed in
memory of "my old master the Jew z"l ".

"Gifts of rich value, yet have I not seen"
Never before have the Histories, Tragedies, Comedies and Sonnets been
arranged with such attention to the classic style and the modern
reader. The Artscroll Shakespeare combines the original texts with the
commentaries of the classical meforshim. Annotations and foot-notes
will help both  the scholar and relative newcomer develop chochma and
Ahavos Shakespeare.  Stage directions by the leading Poskim are
incorporated into the texts with a full reference section at the back,
based on the Sheilos and Teshuvos of the Yorick z"l.

The Artscroll Shakespeare is complete with diagrams, charts and
pictures.  An extended essay section shows how to refute the claims 
of the scoffers , may the witches' curse be upon them, that the works 
were not the revelation of one man or that the Midsummer Nevuoh is to 
be understood in any than a purely allegorical sense, cho ve'sholom. 
The Artscroll Shakespeare will be released this Purim iy''h with its
companion volume from our Famous Lives series "The Iluiy of Avon",
which tells how William ben Chaim Shakespeare mastered Iambic
Pentameters by  the age of three and had written his first sonnets by
the age of five. Make your bookshelves complete. No Bar Mitzvah should
be without it


1) THE ARTSCROLL  SHAKESPEARE  -   MACBES
Soliloquy  (the following lines are said with special intensity)
Macbes: Is this a dagger I see before me
        The handle toward my hand?
        Come let me clutch thee:    (It is customary to raise the
                                     right hand toward the dagger at 
                                     this point)
        I have thee not, and yet I see thee still
        Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
        To feeling as to sight? Or art thou but
        A dagger of the mind, a false creation
        Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
______________________________________________________________________
Macbes 2,1 Soliloquy     the soliloquy is a common device in
Shakespearean drama for portraying the innermost kavanos of the
G'dolim. Alone on the stage, their thoughts call out to us across the
generations. The physical world is in total bittul. All we have is the
intensity of the battle of the yetzer within. Other notable examples
include the To Be Or Not To Be soliloquy in Hamles, the Denmarker
Prince.

Is this a dagger......... Macbes here ponders the possibility of
pre-empting his Hashgacha Pratis, that he will become the Scottischer
Rebbe. The dagger symbolizes the overthrow of power and a lack of
trust in Divine Providence (Medrash Et Tu Brute). According to most
commentaries it would be inconceivable that a Tzaddik of the stature
of Macbes might have so little bitachon after experiencing the Nevua
on the Blasted Heath. The stabbing of Duncan Harosha is of course
merited as Duncan was not worthy of the malchus as he placed his trust
in human beings over Hashem. This can be seen from the possuk "Go, get
him surgeons". (Macbes 1,2)

Is this a dagger........ Macbes is given Ruach Hakodesh and sees the
dagger that he will finally seize to slay Duncan Hamelech. This is the
same dagger that was seen by Shylock "Thou stick'st a dagger in me"
(Perush Shylock Ish Yehudi Tos. Anshei Venizia)

the handle toward my hand.....  So beloved is Macbes that the dagger
is given to him in a state of readiness (Medr.)

I have thee not...... Compare with "And do not go after the desires of
your hearts and your eyes". Here we see Macbes reaching to fulfill his
yetzer represented by the dagger. What your heart desires, your eyes
see. As Macbes attains true kavonno, the dagger becomes real before
him.

A false creation...... This is a reference to women. The Macbesian
paradox, which defines Macbes as a godol amongst tragic characters, 
is that his destiny is influenced by women. From the hags (which has 
the same g'matria as "gash", thereby symbolising both the stabbing of 
Duncan and Macbes) and Eishes Macbes, who tempts him, we see the 
powerful control that women exert on his life. Aside from the G'marah 
(Shtynos 11b) "Kol mi she'amar Macbes chato eyno elo to'eh" (anyone 
who says Macbes sinned is mistaken), we see that he is concerned that 
he should not follow their advice or respect Nevua that comes in 
female form. Macbes finally adheres, mindful of the example of Yakov 
Avinu who trusted Rivka regarding the deception and the b'chora 
(B'reishis 27,6). In all such cases today, a respected posek should 
be consulted.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful
employment on local TV news broadcasts. 

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also,
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. 

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes
everyone in the group  to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity,
serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the
question "How are you?" in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: An intelligent alternative to overwork. 

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the
gods but who now merely lives in disgrace (A rare species, though).

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2.
What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do,
especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. 

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the
ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be
colour-blind hemophiliacs. 

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature  beloved by teenage horror movie fans
and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Linda Branagan and Peter Langston, via Keith's Mostly Clean 
Humor & Weird List]

1997 LESSONS LEARNED - 1998 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

New Year's Resolution #1
  Try to avoid transmission of inter-species diseases

New Year's Resolution #2
  Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet
  (especially when they are less than 1000 feet above the ground)

New Year's Resolution #3
  Stay off the Mir space station

New Year's Resolution #4
  Don't eat cloned meat

New Year's Resolution #5
  Try not to have seven children at once

New Year's Resolution #6
  Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants

New Year's Resolution #7
  Don't give real name when making campaign bribes

New Year's Resolution #8
  Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the spare
battery.

New Year's Resolution #9
  Don't get so drunk that you think cutting your penis off and blaming
it on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.

New Year's Resolution #10
  No more spaceship rides behind comets, even if the lemonade is free.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was
devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly 
on how it was to be found. 

One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to moult, and soon lost
all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an
ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure
the chicken. 

Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on
ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the
answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels
of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the
chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of
his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and
told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!! Ming,
aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was
quantity. He gathered whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels
of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At
the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling
ball.

Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make
gum tea refeather a hen! 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from GCFL]

Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9  He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years
   running.

8  When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7  Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6  Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5  Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

4  Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3  His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
   turn-ons.

2  Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
   Morning, Mr. President."

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker...

1  You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor
   I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free
time.

PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or
find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion
to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve
from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.

6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first
step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about
forever.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

The Internet FAQ

Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online,
which will give you their program disks for free.  Or, if you just
leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install
their programs on your computer when you're sleeping.  They really
want your business.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer
experience - to provide the online services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course!  You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out.  Some of us have been trying
for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we
do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.  We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to
the online service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm
connected to an online service? 
A. Millions of things!  An incredible array of things!  No end of 
things!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK!  I have one!  You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat.  I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all
over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom
are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great!  How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. 
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People,
Homosexuals, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of
course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports.  At any given
moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who
use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real
identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages,
in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from
writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking
to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No.  You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old  boys.  But they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of
who is entering and leaving the chat area.  A secondary, but equally
fascinating, topic is where everybody lives.  Also, for a change of
pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a
hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One
was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from
Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did
for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the
guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you
guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor.
He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said,
"Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400
for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do
this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100
profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much
as moving the contractor says, $2700." The guard, incredulous, looks
at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you
come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for
you and we hire this guy from Missouri." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from TrashLaughs, via Chris Gill]

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes
across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad
replies, "Well  son, those are condoms and they're for protection
when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in
it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.  One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for
Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same
question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March...."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Nick's Humor List]

The media is filled with the news that Sonny Bono died in a ski
accident Tuesday 1/6/98.  I remember enough of the old the Sonny and
Cher TV show to think of "I Got You, Babe" as a familiar tune.  So
when I taught a college chemistry class a few years ago, it seemed
appropriate to write a parody song about electron sharing ("cher-ing",
get it?) using that tune.

But first, for those of you whose chemistry is a little rusty: 
hydrogen (H) atoms have room for two outer (valence) electrons but
have only one; chlorine (Cl) atoms have room for eight outer (valence)
electrons and have only seven. One H and one Cl can bond to form a
molecule of hydrogen chloride (HCl) gas by sharing a pair of electrons
so that each atom can "pretend" to have a full valence shell.  When
HCl dissolves in water, the H and Cl  separate forming charged
particles called ions: the H has a positive charge and the Cl has a
negative charge.  A water solution of HCl is sometimes called muriatic
acid (swimming pool acid); in a dilute form it is human stomach acid.

So in memory of Sonny.......

THE BALLAD OF MURIATIC ACID
The tune is Sonny Bono's "I Got You, Babe."
Lyrics (c) 1994 by Nick Brown.

They say that we can't make a pair,
But we'll be fine if we just learn to CHER (share).
Oh things are SONNY (sunny), we're in heaven;
'Cause you've got one, and baby, I've got seven.
Babe, you need two babe; I need eight, babe.

But one and seven's only eight;
They'll serve as ten if we cooperate.
So put your little hand in mine;
Covalently our love will last through time
Babe,  you've got two babe; I've got eight, babe.

(bridge -- this tune is less familiar)
  Oh and honey, as you see;
  We're not sharing equally
  And our life can be dramatic;
  'Cause you and I, we're muriatic.

But when we come near H2O,
It's time to split; oh baby, I must go.
'Cause water's polar (big surprise);
And sad to say it's time to ionize.
Babe, you're plus one, babe; I've got all eight, babe!
+---------------------------------------------+
[from http://pubweb.acns.nwu.edu/~bil874/comedy/misc/stress.htm ]

**How to Stay Stressed**

Although the Health Center has long been an advocate of stress
management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints
of students, faculty and staff alike. On account of this, we have
come to the following conclusion:

YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!!!!!!

The following provides you with a few reasons why.

* STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be
working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very
crucial.

* IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY:
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form
emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much
fun to be around anyway.

* IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too
stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for
all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.

* IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful, when by
simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your
performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.

* IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap
thrill, and you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose. But,
be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.

* STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE:  
The authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally   
permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a     
permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an
authoritarian style all of the time.


Are you now worried about how to stay stressed? You'll have no
trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods: 

* NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be
spent worrying.

* EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your
system, a balanced diet isn't likely to either.

* GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your
recommended weight.

* TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine, nicotine,
sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

* AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that
meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to
reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is goof for everyone,
Protestant or not.

* GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are
willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with
friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few
people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

* PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your
work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't
take the time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

* THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

* MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if you
want it done right, do it yourself!

* BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure to
take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that
vacations are for sissies.

* DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities every
day than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever
you get a chance.

* PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always
produces a marvelous amount of stress.

* WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL: Worry about the stock market,
earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.

* BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS:
and wither beat yourself up, or fell guilty, depressed, discouraged,
and or inadequate when you don't meet them. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

Benjamin Shapiro was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art,
although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and
polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian
exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He
got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous
genie appeared before him. 

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can grant
you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you
must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you
will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever." 

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition
for three wishes. So Benny wished for 51% of the total Microsoft
stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most
beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was.
Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became as a
worldwide celebrity. 

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it
almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more
and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became
worse. 

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it
off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. 

The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[Reported by Jonathan Colan, via The Daily Weekly, Tuesday, September 
2, 1997 <daily@walrus.com> ]

DUSTBOWL, KS (DWPI) -- With the recent announcement of a strong
resurgence of the El Nino phenomenon, meteorological experts warn
that weather conditions for the rest of 1997 may strongly resemble a
small Spanish boy.  A minority of experts are instead predicting the
appearance of a slightly overweight Nordic woman in her late 40s. 
The National Hurricane Center, in Miami, has put out a statement
predicting that most, if not all, of the members of the University
of Miami football team will likely be indicted later this year.  As
to the possible effect of these various phenomena, the Daily Weekly's
crack team of experts, who we emphasize are not actually on crack,
speculate that we can expect our weather to be "extremely
meteorological." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Dave Wigley, on Rehu]

Beowulf Redux

Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele / monstaer lurccen
Fulle few too many drincce / hie luccen for fyht.
Den Hreorfneorhtthhwr / son of Hrwaerowthheororthwyl
Aesccen aewful jeork / to steop outsyd Phud! Bashe!
Crasch! Beoom! / De bigge gye 
Eallum his bon brak / byt his nose offe 
Wicced Godsylla / waeld on his asse
Monstaer moppe fleor wyth / eallum men in halle 
Beowulf in bacceroome / fonecall bemaccen waes 
Hearen sound of ruccus / saed "Hwaet the helle?" 
Graben sheold strang / ond swich-blaed shcharp 
Stond feorth to fyht / the grimlic foe 
"Me," Godsylla saed / "Mac the minsemete."
Heoro cwyc geten heold / with faemed half-nelson 
Ond flyng him lic frisbe / bac to fen 
Beowulf belly up / to meadehalle bar 
Saed "Ne foe beaten / mie faersom cung-fu." 
Eorderen cocca-colha / yce-cold, the reol thyng.
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Brian Myers, via UGA Humor List]

An individual residing somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic,
and suffering from that most American of diseases, obesity, reached
the point of despair recently.  Having tried almost every diet going
(and being unwilling to haul themself off their oversized arse to do
some exercise), this individual decided to try a different approach
to development of a dieting plan.

So was born the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years it had been
noticed that most two-year-olds are trim.  After consultation with
paediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, the new diet
was formulated.  It is inexpensive, offers great variety and
sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on this diet, however, be
sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see
him afterward.  Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with apricot jam.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jam over your face and clothes.

Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of pre-crushed crisps,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a 5p, 4 sips of stale beer.  

Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen    
floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to
be eaten, not smoked).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack - Lick a lollipop until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril.  Pour coke over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub
in hair.  Glass of milk:  drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. 
After breakfast, pick up yesterday's lolly from rug, lick off fuzz,
and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch - Three matches, peanut butter and jam sandwich.  Spit several
bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a
half-cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to dog.

Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that lolly and finish eating it.

Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball  
on plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert. 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from David A. Rinke II, via Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird 
List]

YOU'VE BEEN A CONSULTANT FOR TOO LONG WHEN ...

You refer to the yield of the tomato plants in your home garden as
"deliverables."

You can tell the copier repair person at the client site exactly
what's wrong with the machine and what parts need to be replaced.

The new client staff come to you for information on how to start the
coffee machine.

You've succeeded in memorizing the morning and afternoon schedules of
two major airlines' flights to your client's site.

You can execute five complex tasks simultaneously, but you can't
remember what you had for breakfast that morning.

You have enough "vendor" ID badges for a royal flush and two pair.

You know all the late night security guards at the client site on a
first name basis (replace "security guards" with "cleanup staff" or
"swing-shift mainframe operators" as you choose).

You use so many acronyms you no longer know which are your company's,
the client's or the software vendor's.

You feel naked without a laptop hanging from your left shoulder.

The project partner tries to hire you.

You forego the opportunity to fly home on the weekend, because you
really like it in Darmstadt.

You say "Whoopee!  Half day!" when you leave at 10:00 PM.

Your kids point at the phone and say "...that's the one that's broken"
when you get home, thinking you must be from the NYNEX, 'cause you
sure don't look familiar.

You start thinking that life in the US Navy Submarine Corps would give
you more time at home.

You start referring to your laptop by a cute name.

You are upset when you come home on Friday night and the lights aren't
on, the bed isn't turned down, and there are no chocolates on your
pillow.

You fantasize about zero-billing.

"Vacationing" is spending an entire weekend in your own home.

You can call room service and order multiple entrees without looking
at the menu.

Writers for the OAG call you to verify flight numbers and times.

You have seen more movies at 35,000 feet than you have at UA Times
Square.

You have had more phone numbers than Imelda Marcos has pairs of shoes.

The media phrases "telecommuting" and "virtual office" have very real
(and frightening) meaning for you.

You forget how to turn on the windshield wipers in your own car.

New staff point at you and say, "... that's him, that's the old guy
... "

Your resume looks like a phone book.

The client says your rates are too high, and you blush.

You introduce yourself to your next door neighbors ... again.

Your spouse flies home (to your hotel) for the weekend.

You use the word "paradigm" in a sentence.

You use the word "granularity" in a sentence.

You use the word "robust" in a sentence.

Someone mentions a 7:00 meeting and you say, "AM or PM?"

You cry when your laptop won't start.

You carry on a 5 minute conversation about data warehousing, then you
ask what it means.

When other people speak of vacations in warm sunny places, you get a
lost look on your face, cock your head to one side like a dog hearing
a whistle, and say, "...my last vacation was, um, it was, ah, um, er
...."

You have a day off, and you call work because you miss it.

You write a workplan for your weekends.

Someone asks you what you do for a living, and you can't answer the
question.

Before starting the car, you insist on telling everyone where the
emergency exits are.

Before stopping the car, you insist that everyone stay seated until
the fasten seatbelts sign is off.

You call CTG (computer support group) with a support question just for
the entertainment of hearing their answer.

A good dinner consists of vending machine snacks.

A good lunch consists of vending machine snacks.

You insist that your friends submit time sheets at the end of the
month so you can see what you missed.

You can tell the hotel staff what their room-rate policy is.

You believe that e-mail is as good as a conversation can get.

Instant coffee tastes good.

You can remember 15 client and hotel phone numbers, but you get
stumped when asked for your home number.

You file more state income tax returns than Microsoft has trademarks.

You've been staying in the same hotel, you instinctively call it
"home".

The hotel staff recognizes you and gives you the same room every week
(this is not always good).

The room service staff feels free to nag and fight with you because
they know you'll be back next week anyway.

You know all the favorite radio stations of all the valet parking
guys.

You get more calls from the hotel staff to see if you're OK than you
do from your friends then you realize the hotel staff are your
friends.

You can list fifty-seven (and counting) reasons why you have been a
consultant for too long.

You really think you understand the difference between "optics" and
"perception".

You try to find friends to fill you personal "white space."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Maurizio Mariotti, via UGA Humor List]

In medieval times, people suspected of belonging to a cult, after
making a spontaneous confession with the help of red-hot pokers,
were burned at the stake on the public square, for the edification of
the unwashed masses. The good news is that these days you can belong
to a cult without being subject to those forms of cruel and unusual
punishment. This is called progress. The bad news is that demons
have not changed over the centuries; do NOT expect New Age creatures
that will engage you in polite conversation, tell you amusing
anecdotes and witty jokes that you will post to HUMOR, passing them
off as your own. The following hints and tips and general remarks are
meant to help cultists avoid the most common pitfalls.

* Pick one cult and stay with it. Only amateurs move from one cult to
another.

* Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of
your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it
in public. Flash cards are often helpful.

* Neophytes should never invoke anything bigger than their heads. 

* Even expert conjurers should not invoke anything with fangs, claws
and tentacles, in any combination.

* If the creature that you have summoned looks like Demi Moore,
starts stripping and invites you to step out of the pentagram, DON'T.
Use common sense: a) demons change shape easily and b) do you
seriously believe that Demi Moore digs nerdish cultists? 

* Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight -- it
attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various
supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during
thunderstorms.

* Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this
enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like
beacons to the weirdest demons.

* Never make flippant remarks to a demon ("Hey, Belial, you look
like hell, ha ha."). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like
tearing your limbs apart.

* Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver
knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change. 

* When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

* If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body,
ask for an advance --- freeloading sex fiends abound. 

* If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money,
chances are that you got your summoning spell backwards. 

* Never summon Surd demons; they will shatter your mind with (ab)Surd
jokes (ask Max). 

* If the creature you invoked requests that you send to HUMOR a
lengthy  repost, with a signature, ASCII art and a personal message,
don't follow its advice. Larry does not accept any longer "The devil
made  me do it", as a valid excuse.

* Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in,
while still affording ample concealment.

* Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not
absolutely comfortable with.

* Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are
not absolutely comfortable with.

* If you suddenly find yourself in front of a nerdish-looking guy who
wears funny robes, weird jewellery and stands inside a pentagram,
don't laugh: you have probably turned into a demon.

* When a strange artefact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just
remember this simple safety tip.

* Never cast a spell on your mother-in-law. She will strike back at
you, with a much more powerful one (Well, mine did and my wife said
it was my fault because I started it).

* Never teach summoning spells to your wife, lest you find gorgeous
young men mysteriously appearing in your house. 

* If other members of your cult ask you whether you are a virgin,
always answer with an emphatic "NO". Don't ask me why --- just trust
me on this one.

* After ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is not
regarded as proper etiquette and asking the High Priest for a doggie
bag is downright gross.

* Contrary to widely-held beliefs, mind-expanding drugs and
invocations do not mix. When the stuff hits the fan, it is vitally
necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to
throw the holy water at and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade
away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.

* If, after a night of heavy partying and drinking, you see a
frighteningly repulsive creature in the morning, don't bother to
address it as Beleth or Forcas: you are probably looking into the
bathroom mirror

* Never play strip Tarot. If you do, be prepared to lose an arm and a
leg. Quite literally.

* Vampires are handsome, dress well, are articulate
conversationalists  with a posh British accent, yet they suck. Try
and remember that. 

* For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not  
feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled  
by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of turkey. 

* Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can
stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own
soul. (This politically correct statement is totally spontaneous and
has not been written under duress. Are you happy with it? Will you
unchain me now and give me some food? I say, that's a big pile of
wood! Are you going to have a barbecue or something? It is in my
honour? Cool!) 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Barbara Scheele, on Rehu]

I don't know if you all heard the bad news, so I'm sending it
along....

BARBIE AND KEN SPLIT UP:  Thanks to a secret time-travel machine at
Caltech, we are now able to bring you tomorrow's news today.  This
is the first report from our time-traveling journalist, who returns
with news from March 1998...

"After a 20-year marriage, Barbie and Ken (they have no last name)
have finally called it quits.  A spokesman for Mattel says Ken was
distraught over Barbie's recent redesign, which included a reduction
in the size of her chest. However, close friend Chatty Cathy claims
the marriage had been on the rocks since Ken began a clandestine
affair with GI Joe in 1989.  The breakup ends one of the toy
industry's longest partnerships.  Barbie and Ken met in 1961, then
lived together for six years, unable to marry until Mattel
manufactured the Barbie Wedding Ensemble in 1967.  Under a proposed
divorce decree, Ken will keep the Malibu Beach House, while Barbie
will live in the Mattel Dream House.  The couple is disputing custody
of the Barbie Motor Home." 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Kitty's Daily Mews]

                  Puns

- Hangover:  The wrath of grapes.

- Income Tax:  Capital punishment.

- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

- "Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that
all you think about?"

- Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet
seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

- Middle Age:  When actions creak louder than words.

- Egotist:  One who is me-deep in conversation.

- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

-  Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on
hard tines?

- Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

- Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
  A: They both involve sandy claws.

- Archeologist:  A man whose career lies in ruins.

- Kleptomaniac:  One who can't help himself from helping himself.

- Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

- Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him
a pizza my mind.

- The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer
type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel'
syndrome."

- Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"

- Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He
strained himself.

- California smog test: Can UCLA?

- The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

- Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.

- A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln
Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a
pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool
tunnel syndrome."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Stan Kegel, via UGA Humor List]

If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he would have become a baseball
announceer before starting a career in politics, I can hear his
strong voice on the radio stating, "Yes folks, the Yankees were once
in this game But that was FOUR SCORES AND SEVEN ERRORS AGO.

A hearse was taking a man to a cemetery on top of a mountain
overlooking a small town. The driver took a curve too quickly causing
the casket to roll out of the back and down a very long hill. There
happened to be a pharmacy at the bottom of the hill and the casket
rolled through the open loading dock door, down one of the aisles and
right past the drug counter. As it rolled by a customer asked the
pharmacist, "DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO STOP THIS COFFIN"?

Current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the
nickname "Bibi". His wife, in contrast to most Israeli "first
ladies", plans to take a more activist role in her country's affairs.
Thus, it would be appropriate when the first summit conference is
held between Israel and the PLO to have Mrs. Netanyahu introduce her
husband to the PLO leader Arafat by saying, "YASIR, THAT'S MY BIBI"

Three brothers went out west to start a cattle ranch. They couldn't
think of an appropriate name for it so they wired their father for
suggestions. He wired back, "CALL IT FOCUS, FOR THAT'S WHERE THE
SON'S RAISE MEAT."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank ... proving once and for all that YOU CAN'T HAVE
YOUR KAYAK AND HEAT IT, TOO.

The story concerns a butcher who went into a petshop. He fell in love
with one the seabirds in the shop. Alas, he had no money to spend,
but the shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some
of that delicious German sausage. It seems HE TOOK A TERN FOR THE
WURST!!

Police in Kinshasa, Zaire have arrested a duck suspected of sorcery.
The duck was taken into custody after shattering the windshield of a
minibus. Passengers apparently blamed the "evil duck" for the
accident... POLICE SUSPECT FOWL PLAY...

The Crist family worked at a zoo.  Each year they predicedt the
overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu's who, if their ears
were forward, predicted a successful, joyous year, but it their ears
were laid back flat, predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year
it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animals and come up with the
prediction.  It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she
forgot to check on the gnus.  Well, she botched it, predicting a bad
year, when in fact it was quite good.  In explanation, the next
winterthe local newspaper ran the following headline: MARY CRIST
MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

There are some happy medical sciences (pediatrics, obstetrics), but
others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who
tend to be a morose and saddened group. No wonder. One of the first
things they learn is that OUR LIVES ARE OVA BEFORE THEY'VE BEGUN.

A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating  recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam;
then I'm a  teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's
wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. YOU'RE TWO
TENTS."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make
the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked
their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead
raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she
asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "THEY'RE CARRION."

After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and
retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she
became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency
specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong
nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her
sign proudly. It read:  "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC, EXPERT HALITOSIS."

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good
rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his
head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't
think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. IT
WENT IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER.
+---------------------------------------------+
*** REALISTIC STATE MOTTOS ***

   Kansas: Toto isn't here anymore.
   Wisconsin: Wear cheese or die.
   Oklahoma:  Rather Sooner than Later.
   Hawaii: Try our lei-away program.
   Mississippi: Elvis was born here, but heck, even *he* left.
   California: Hey, with this many of us, we can make it legal!
   New Jersey: Waste not ... send it here instead.
   Nevada: Two to one you'll come again!
   Washington: If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid.
   Massachusetts: Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums.
   Tennessee: To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer!
   Alabama: At least you're not in Mississippi.
   Idaho: And don't even joke about the &%$#)%^ potatoes!
   West Virginia: Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio...
   Florida: Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees...
   Montana: Where men are men and sheep are scared...
   South Carolina:  Settled by prisoners, what do you expect.
   North Carolina: Furniture out the wazoo.
   Maryland: The best place to get crabs.
   Nebraska: Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it.
   Alaska: Colder than a polar bear's patoot.
   South Dakota: To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS.
   Michigan:  Where cars used to come from.
   Arkansas:  Send us your contributions, we'll send you our Bill...
   Wyoming: More elk than people, but not much traffic. 
   Delaware: Parking for Dupont employees only. 
   Ohio: The pillow state -- round on both ends, hi in the middle and 
         full of fluff.
   Missouri: We love company...
+---------------------------------------------+
[from UGA Humor List]

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father,
I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and
last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls.
Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Just Too Funny!]

You Know You're In Arizona When

1.  You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent. 

2.  You notice your car overheating before you drive it. 

3.  You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.

4.  You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. 

5.  You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River. 

6.  You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. 

7.  You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

8.  You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be 
over 100 degrees. 

9.  You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves. 

10. You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive
your car. 

11. You can make sun tea instantly. 

12. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can
use your fireplace. 

13. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead
of distance. 

14. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. 

15. Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one. 

16. You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend",
"San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and
"Tlaquepaque". 

17. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one
person is moving on the streets. 

18. You actually burn you hand opening the car door. 

19. Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K. 

20. Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other
fools will actually buy them. 

21. Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside. 

22. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car. 

23. You can understand the reason for a town named "Why". 
+---------------------------------------------+
[from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List]

QUIPS & QUOTES

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.

It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:  People are always available for
work in the past tense.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.

Immortality -- a fate worse than death.  --Edgar A. Shoaff

Pig, n.:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human
race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The
Devil's Dictionary"

Genius, n.:  A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes
with "bright".

Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be smart
enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.

Gold, n.:  A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. 
It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men
who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although
gold hasn't done anything to them.  --Mike Harding, "The Armchair
Anarchist's Almanac"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.  --Andrew S. Tanenbaum

"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"  "It's
simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?" --MacNelley, "Shoe"

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:  When confronted by a difficult
problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had
to be discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized
that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
finding mistakes in my own programs.  --Maurice Wilkes discovers
debugging, 1949

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.

No good deed goes unpunished.  --Clare Boothe Luce

You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.  --Bumper Sticker

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:  The first bug to hit a clean
windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
--Friedrich Nietzsche

You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+---------------------------------------------+
